F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 174 - Erection Stealth 101

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

It's Tumbler 2's favourite podcast back again with another episode that the kids just CANNOT get enough of.  Topics include the best way to prevent and hide your incredible erection, sexually escalating too quickly, parsing exactly what it means to be a simp, escaping a toxic friendship before it's too late and more of those sweet dating profiles you love.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. And we're your fuck buddies. Welcome back. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners such as yourself and we answer them. On the topics of sex and dating. Well, you already said we're a sex and dating advice podcast, so I figured that was clear. I just always wait for it. I like to shake it up you know i like to do things let me smang it girl let me smash and bang it let me smang it girl oh this is our musical episode so this is our musical episode welcome we're gonna do what riverdale does and just every now and then just be like tumblr likes it when when we when we sing right all right cool we're going to do what Riverdale does and just every now and then just be like, Tumblr likes it when we sing, right? All right, cool. Does Tumblr still exist?

I mean, did I age myself? Is this just TikTok now? Yeah. Well, the thing is, Tumblr loves us. I've kind of lost the amount of things they love us for. They love when we start the episode slow. They like when they can hear the cat, but come on, who doesn't?

Love my awful jokes. God, they just can't get enough of them. Can't get enough of those little boys. They hate when I said I'm Niles Spine. They didn't like that at all. That was a no-go. That was a no-go. Yeah, we did get cancelled for a while for your Spine

related jokes. Yeah, which to be fair, I while for your spine-related jokes. Yeah, which, to be fair, I didn't even fucking intend, so thanks, Tumblr. The spine of you guys for that. All right, come on. You want me to go first? Yeah, you go first. This is by UserDeleted.

How to prevent having an obvious boner when we get close together while flirting? This already sounds like it's been written by an alien but please go on that's it that's the question yeah that's it i don't have any any details that's it okay cool um so can you give it to me one more time just how to prevent having an obvious boner when we get close together while flirting like i need to know what you consider flirting my man like are you touching are you literally just like talking to each other and you're just fucking like how old are you because that also has a bearing i think if you're a 14 year old boy with with raging hormones coursing through your veins and everything gives you an erection then okay i understand that but if you're

like a 40 year old man who can't talk to a woman without becoming erect that also seems to be a problem i like i also like if you're i'm gonna open the door for you no this is this how it works i say it you go first um but i will add to what you were saying there are definitely situations where it's like if you're on a date and you're like arm around each other and you're, you know, in a bar and you've had a few drinks and you're like flirting, it's kind of okay if you have a boner. If you're of age and you're at an appropriate like time and whatever, like I imagine in a lot of situations, it doesn't really matter if they notice that you have a boner. In some situations, such as when you're a kid, it's always going to be mortifying so be aware of that too if you just started talking to someone

that you were intimidated to be like look at my boner and like three if it becomes an issue for other people around you who aren't involved i also think that's weird you know like how obvious is this boner i think like are you at the beach that that's always a fear are there are there children nearby are there children are you flirting next to a playground because dude doesn't matter how much you guys know each other you got to strap that boy down i'm going to wager that this is a younger man i i'm to hope that you are in the high school sphere where, you know, trying to contain your erections is as futile as trying to, to count every grain of sand on a beach.

Like it's just not going to happen. You have no control over it. Your dick has a mind of its own and it will get hard for whatever goddamn reason it wants. That's just, that's just what being a teenage boy is. Some things you can do is make sure you don't wear sweatpants. Cause let me tell you,

that'll be a fucking, I was going to go straight to that. Sweatpants are, they don't, they don't even just show your boner. They display your boner. They accentuate your boner. Like your boner will probably be less obvious if you weren't wearing anything.

Um, yes, sorry. It sounds fun. The fuck is that thing? The fuck is that? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, sorry, it's a silence for phone. The fuck is that, Dan? The fuck is that? Yeah, yeah. I made a funny joke,

and you start clicking away on your phone. Sorry, I'm silencing it so it doesn't ruin the thing. But ironically, you ruined it anyway. I mean, but Tinder loves it. Or not Tinder, Tumblr. Yeah, well, you know what they won't love? My wilting boner right now. It's wilting, and you can see it

because I'm wearing sweatpants. Well, there you go. Just have someone constantly negging you while you're flirting someone. Are you not into degradation play? Then have someone just like, are you like me and hate having people touch your nipples? Just have someone, have your best friend hiding his hands under your shirt. And every time he notices a little stiffness in the pants region he just gives your your nipples a little tweak now this won't work if you're really into nipple play

this will make it much worse for you yeah you gotta so clothing i think is very essential right we all learn the little adjustments and tricks of the trade as to where to put your boner so it's not obvious as you grow up yeah they're gonna have classes of milk times and places put them right in there you know freeze the milk then it's like what's bone or what's ice what's milk no one knows yeah you gotta invest in some some pants that one aren't skin tight so that your dick shape isn't always visible but to have enough rigidity to them uh ridges rigidness rigidity sure rigidity i don't i don't know um rigidity is a social construct and and it's uh you know that that will give your your dick space to grow but won't let it really sort of you know be like hey look at me um it'll like tie it down a little bit

maybe get really into yoga so that when you start feeling it just hit like a cool warrior pose with the one where you like cross your leg you know what i mean so so you've got like you've got something to cover over it maybe always have a very cool like really long hanging uh messenger bag that you can just kind of casually slide across the old dicker room. That's the thing. It's like if you have a t-shirt or a jumper, it'll probably go down low enough that it'll like obscure it somewhat. Again, unless you're wearing like those gray boner amplifying sweatpants. You know, if you're at the beach, wear a second pair underneath. you go do you have a

mortifying boner story from high school no not really oh so i lived like i it never really like came to pass that was terrifying but uh in the moment it was like just the fear because we were waiting to get into science class so i was like sitting in this like carpeted hallway just like waiting and we had this super cute like japanese exchange student um and whatever happened she was talking about how she used to ballet and she was like oh i used to get this like massage done and i don't know what happened but she was like i'll show you so she was like put your leg out so like i'm lying on the ground or sitting on the ground stretched out my leg and i'm wearing like school pants i don't know if you guys had like school fucking uniforms over here but like i mean they they exist yes for sure my my old high school actually like recently switched over to

yeah uniform but yeah so like the weird like school uniform slacks are also very like boner amplifying like hugely which is not great as a young boy. I was probably like 15 or something at this point. I don't know. Um, and so she starts like giving me this massage from like knee to like upper inner thigh, like very upper inner thigh.

And the one good thing is that like, it was an agonizing, like it really hurt. So like what she's doing, she's like, Oh yeah, it's meant to like rip the bone rip the muscle off the bone and like help you be more like flexible or whatever but that did nothing to me as a as a young man so like thank god my dick was going the

other way or i would have literally poked her or she would have come across it maybe mangled it because it was a pretty sore massage and i was just like there's nothing i could do there's nowhere to like hide and like the only kind of benefit was that like i had my left leg kind of like up and it's like it just kind of like squirreled away in the folds of my trousers and i was like this is this is the nightmare you're trapped but no one really called me on it wasn't that thing i just panicked internally the entire time yeah 100 oh like you you got you got a spicy boner story oh 100 yeah there was a time i was uh i was going to my high school girlfriend's house like every weekend we would like every saturday night we i would go over to her place because she had like a finished basement that we would

watch movie in and like make out and kind of like you know do do teen things a lot of over the finishing rubbing um uh and i got along very well with her parents like i when i would come in i would usually have like a pretty decent like 20 minute chat with her in yes um you know i would talk with the parents and and blah blah, blah. And we got along well. So there was a night where we were fooling around. And it was getting pretty hot and heavy, considering where we were and how open the base was. All the parents had to do was walk past the stairs, and they would be able to see what we were up to. But her dad was like, someone just dropped something off, but wasn't able to help him.

And with it was a big old fucking table saw or some shit um and he was just like oh hey Dane come come give me a hand bring this table saw in and we were just like uh and I just had this you know just raging teenage boner the best thing about boners for those that haven't had one is

the more you think about them the less they go away which means when you want them to be gone they're like oh you want to stick around you want me i'll just i'll just hang around a little bit more and you're like no the terror the awkwardness everything why are you here it's like you're thinking about me i'm like i'm like a magic spirit that like you're giving me power by by acknowledging my presence they will not go away if you're thinking of them so i remember being like i stood up and i was like is it obvious and she was like yeah it's fucking obvious and then she tried to like push it down and i was like don't touch it like yeah because we hadn't uh we hadn't done like any actual like hand on dick stuff so that was the first time she had actually like touched my dick

but it was like her sort of like stroking my time trying to like push it down i was like hey can you fucking not do that when i'm about to go hang out with your dad yeah thankfully it was i was like a scene scene kid and it was the early 2000s so i had a very large sweater that was just long enough to sort of to cover the situation and he was already carrying the thing so i was able to like get in front right over and then it's like it actually probably worked as a support too to help you so in the end the dad thought you were a little stronger than you were i could have carried that thing by myself let me tell you i was pretty much a one-man trolley you could have just put it on there and wheeled me off um so it was it was very nerve-wracking where i was like oh no yeah

i've had a girlfriend's dad is gonna have to look just just dead eye stare at my dick i've had a lot of like just you know close encounters of the boner kind but i got away i was i was like a boner ninja like you know and that's the thing is like you learn to like to work it in the space that you have you know you know how to do the like the old pocket shuffle if it's a if you've got jeans and they're going you know down the leg more than like you know you can like move them around a bit and like you know make your jumper go down a little bit like hoodies again i was a little rocker kid so i had those big hoodies with like you know that one big pocket in the middle put your hands in there and the pocket goes down and no one sees your phone you know um maybe always try to flirt with them when you're sitting it's way easier there you go yeah if there's a table

um put a pillow in your lap and lean on it i know a lot of people used to do that the pillow oh yeah very obvious in a way but yeah yeah yeah the pillow move was instrumental to like the high school teenage parties absolutely i think pillows every dude was rushing to the love seats to get a get a grab one of them pillows yeah so again this all matters this could be anywhere right if you're a kid listen to kind of what we've said if you're an adult you know if you're talking to someone if you're flirting like if you've kind of reached a point it's like they're not gonna be weird without you or the boner you know what i mean because there's also like when you're a kid there's that shame of i remember the first time i fucking made out with someone and i it was at like a fucking

water park uh and we'd gotten into like changing rooms so we were like in a secluded like area we're making out she's in a bikini i had just changed into my jeans because i was leaving and i remember being so thankful that i didn't have my swim shorts on because it just would have again been the most obvious thing in the world but it's like i was making out with this girl i don't think she would have fucking cared if i had a boner but like the shame and fear because i was like oh she can't know which is insane so it's like i'm worried that this question comes from that level of like, still ashamed of your boner and not a,

because I'm hoping it happens at a point where it's reasonable. So it's like, if you're flirting with someone and you're like on a date or whatever, there are certain times where like having a boner is okay and feeling that shame is bad, or like you can work through it and be all right. But I'm worried without context to say this and have this person just proudly walk up to people, rock hard and harass them. Like that scene from Anchorman. Yeah, exactly.

That's, you know, just tipping stuff over. So, yeah, I think we've kind of like, you know, cluster shot at a lot of advice out. It's probably enough. You know, I'm going to say something real quick. It does say prevent, but then it says obvious. So yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I don't think you can prevent your boner.

You can prevent it by being obvious. Just don't wear sweats. That's the number one. Yeah, absolutely. Don't, if you're wearing sweatpants, you need to stop immediately. Any sort of loose fabric, tear away pants, workout pants, anything like that. Nope. Get them out of here.

Sweatshorts. No. I remember there was a time in drama class, one of the guys was wearing those Adidas tearaway pants. And we were doing scenes from Romeo and Juliet, like the final, like, with this kiss I die. I mean, when you're pretending to kiss cute girls in drama class, it's enough for any teenage boy. And like, the boy, the man fucking made a tent in his pants.

And like, he was lying down because he had just killed himself. And she did the like, with this kiss I die, or like on the lips, when she kisses the poison off him. And just, fuck man. R.I.P. The rigor was very mortis. Yeah. This comes from Reddit user Sumferatu. Did I, 18 yearyear-old male,

go too fast? My parents have given me a little bit more privacy this year. My bedroom is connected to my brother's, so I'm not allowed to have girls in my room, but they're still pretty cool

about us being in the basement. On Saturday night, we were watching movies down there. She ended up halfway lying on me, like I was sitting upright and her head was on my shoulder. My hands were just in my lap. Then she moved

and put my arm around her lower back. I was kind of just rubbing her back and decided to go for it and rest my hand on her ass. She seemed down and I was literally just moving my hand up and down. Again, still cool with that. Came kind of close to her vagina, but just from the back, but didn't actually touch it. No big deal. The minute I put my hand on her ass under her tights, she freaked out and got up. I don't get it. And she kind of cut and run from the whole thing immediately. Like just sitting next to me

with her arms folded and not wanting to talk about it at all. She didn't respond to any of my texts after that. Then I started this morning, tried to talk to her about it and she kind of brushed it off and asked if I wanted to hang out again on Saturday. I said, yeah, but now I don't know because I'm so confused about what I did wrong. Man, I wish we had more context because like, are they dating? Have they kissed yet? It seems like from what we've gotten, it seems like a weird move to go like, you know, hand on ass over clothes is like a flirty step, which presumably would then lead to a kiss. Like, that's pretty much, like, the fucking seduction is, like, Kino or whatever,

where it's like, is that it? I don't know. I don't really know their terms. It's like, you've kind of gotten, like, it's a good sign that you're touching them, and touching them somewhere, like, you know, risque. So that's probably, like, a green enough light to, like, progress to the next step, which isn't to just try to fucking touch their vagina. You know what I mean? I don't think that was like even his because he was saying like he

was saying he had his hand on her ass and then almost touch her vagina while having his hand over her clothes like from behind and then yeah then he put his hands under the skirt leggings but yes onto her ass so i don't know if he's still trying to but what you're saying is correct i think the the act from going over clothes to you know under her clothes or down her pants is is a pretty jarring escalation yes especially if like he seems to think it's a very big deal to have had his hand on her ass at all which means he's new to things she's probably new enough and they're also new to each other but they never mentioned like kissing or making out or anything like that so it's like yeah dude you skipped from like step two to step like i don't know six seven eight like depending

like you don't just like she was probably right now now okay uh step one basement movie step two touching somewhere risque above the clothes step three kissing step four kissing while on each other's laps step five touching the titties but above the clothes step six fingering them from behind like he's trying okay just double checking just yeah no i definitely don't want to like say there's steps because like there isn't rules for this shit but at the same time there kind of are and rule one is like you don't just finger someone before you kiss them kind of deal so it's like yes i will say you have gone too fast you know you got excited about what you're doing but it's like you'd kind of reach the

threshold for where you were at and it's like the next step was probably like kissing again unless this happened he just didn't mention it but it feels like someone's so excited about touching a butt over clothes would probably have mentioned if they start fucking making out yeah so yeah you know it's the the funny thing is is he seems to have clocked that and then tried to talk about it and wasn't able to um which i think you need to, if you want to pursue this person as someone that you're going to potentially sleep with or do whatever with, you need to really sit them down and be like, Hey, I understand that I might've crossed the line last time we hung out, but I would like to talk about it and make sure that we're on the same page about how to, you know, talk about consent and how to talk about like when

you're not comfortable to let me know. And I will like here on out, be sure to check in with you about these things so that I don't do it again. And I think you really need to like drive that home early on because one, if this is sort of like your guy's first sexual experience, it one sets the tone for how you want to conduct yourself in a, in a relationship. And two, we'll hopefully set the standards for how she expects to be treated as well,

because someone who shuts down like this might have been with people who were very pushy in the past. And if she finally gets a partner, who's willing to talk about consent and who's willing to listen to her concerns and is is actively trying to open that conversation that might be you know a gold standard in which she now considers like the bare minimum so even if you guys don't work out in the long run even you guys just fool around a little bit in high school or college or wherever you are right now this might be a great experience for both of you to understand how to like move forward in sexual relationships. Do we get their ages? They're 18.

Oh, okay. Okay, cool. I was like, man, I want this to happen. But I don't think 13, 14 year olds are going to have that conversation, which again, is something we hopefully will change through this podcast and through all you wonderful people just pumping positivity out into the world. I feel like 14 and 13 year olds would, I feel like young people now have a far more literate or like, like sexually literate than we ever were because they have one, they have shows like big mouth and they have shows like sex education where even if they're state funded, you know, sexual education is failing them in a lot of the world. And,

you know, Canada and the U S included there, there is, there's resources available to them that sure as fuck wasn't available to me. Like I always understood consent, but I, I couldn't put a word to it. It was more of like a general decency thing,

which sadly not a lot of people have as opposed to like a firm like concept and term and like yeah i think being able to see it in like positive role models in a very non-didactic way such as like sex education big mouth etc would have been wonderful for all of us growing up and to be fair like our tumblr following they're all quite young so i assume they're all very sexually literate as well. Yeah, the kids love Tumblr. The kids are all right, and I think in a large part because of our famous Tumblr. If you guys find it, we're not on Tumblr.

We're actually on Tumblr 2, which is the new TikTok. It's three-second videos with just audio. It's Tumblr 2, TikToker. Tumblr 3, TikTokistist coming soon to talk to furious tockers to talk to furious but yeah you're 18 and it's like look i get it you're excited about what you did and you want to go for like further but it's like you were kind of disrespectful by like jumping too soon and it's like that person probably felt like you didn't give a fuck about them but you did give a fuck about their vagina or like their their butt or whatever like their physical assets without like

putting in any work or communication or like consideration you know what i mean it's like you jump too soon for sure so talk to them if they want to hang out it means you haven't burned a bridge yet but like you know you're old enough by a long margin to be like hey uh i'm sorry i feel like i made you uncomfortable last time uh do you want to talk about it you know, you're old enough by a long margin to be like, hey, I'm sorry. I feel like I made you uncomfortable last time. Do you want to talk about it? You know, if she just says, oh, yeah, you like push the bound or and if she's like too shy or anything like I just felt like I pushed the boundary and I just like I don't want to do that.

You know, I like you. I'm really attracted to you. I'm like, blah, blah, blah. She's not gonna be upset about that. And if she is, then great. Find somebody else. I mean, that might also be something where it's like this could be a a warning sign for you that perhaps pursuing a sexual relationship with someone who refuses to talk about their comfort levels to refuses to talk about like how they want to

express consent with you that sounds like a nightmare and that sounds like a really problematic and toxic situation to be entering into, especially if you seem to be actually willing to discuss these things. If someone is just going to put you in the guess zone in which they refuse to sort of express how they're feeling and you just have to guess all the time, including on things like consent, might not be worth the trouble. Yeah. So if you have this conversation and they aren't willing to engage, that might well be a sign that you shouldn't continue this relationship but you should have this talk and try to like i don't again there's no real rules but like at the same time things do progress in a certain way and it's like you're not gonna fuck someone before you kiss them

presumably especially when you're this young right and especially if you like care about them in in a way that's more than just sex so don't jump hurdles that aren't even there yet you know don't take shortcuts respect people all right also throw on stardust uh it's your turn uh it is this is a question i really like because i feel like it was written by johnny lawrence from cobra kai yeah this is by banished from all why Kai. Yeah. This is by Banished From All. Why are guys seen as cool or more masculine or even attractive when they're not swayed by lust slash a woman's beauty? Sorry if this is not the right place. Guys are usually seen as cooler and respected and envied by other guys, and they have lots

of sex with women, especially beautiful women. However, I've noticed how guys are also seen as cool when they show they're unimpressed by a beautiful woman and their feminine wiles. For example, there's an animated show called Fillmore, and in the comments, a lot of people were idolizing this guy and saying, he ain't no simp. Then there's a news story on YouTube where an adult woman texted the underage boy she wanted to have sex with him. The boy replied with, I don't care, and he fell asleep after.

A lot of the commenters were praising the boy and saying he ain't gonna be no simp when he grows up, and laughing about the boy's response to the woman. There are just a few examples, and I've also seen situations like this in real life as well what happened to guys banging hot chicks and being glorified for it okay yeah that's definitely oh it's definitely some johnny lawrence energy it feels like some kind of like weird like alternate way to promote the show or they have fake accounts of all them but i don't think it's true i would love to know if this is like a freshly divorced like 50 year old man yeah i'm kind of confused as to like what really the question is is like why why don't we idolize the like womanizer anymore as opposed to like why why are we worshiping people who

aren't throwing themselves at women is that like the i feel like he seems to or he's saying that people are still respected and cooler if they have sex with women i guess he's confused that people are also seen as cool if they're unimpressed by women i think for him the idea of being a simp is confusing right and like we've already talked about how simp is a terrible word especially if you use it to refer to someone that is currently lusting after you. Because simp stands for, what is it again? Like idolizing mediocre pussy? Oh, sucker idolizing mediocre pussy. Which if you're a woman and you call a man who's lusting after you a simp, you are referring to your pussy as mediocre.

Now, like, of course i agree but on the other hand i feel like it's just taken like it's such a term these days you know what i mean that like i don't even think most people know what it ever stood for it's i don't think that everywhere and the meaning itself is usually nothing to do with the woman and all to do with the man. Yeah, it was quickly co-opted from guys trying, like, you know, the seduction bros trying to belittle men who actually put an effort to, and it's quickly co-opted by people making fun of people who, like, tried really hard, which were, ironically, usually the seduction boys. Yeah, yeah. Because that's the thing. It's like, I've seen obviously the term itself problematic, but like, I've seen a lot of people simping and it ain't great. The question here is like, what is that?

Like, what, where's that line? Maybe where's the delineation between being this proactive fucking whatever, or just being like a simp? I mean, I think it comes down to like self-confidence right it comes down to knowing your worth and when you're actively pursuing someone who might have mutual interest with you as opposed to pursuing someone who's repeatedly shown you nothing but disrespect or no interest or hasn't reciprocated any of the energy that you've been putting in i think that's where it comes down to if you're constantly chasing after

someone and every time you ask them out they're like no maybe next week no maybe next week it's like eventually at some point in time you're gonna have to be like okay i've put in the effort if they want to hang out if they actually want to hang out, they'll message me. And if they don't, then I'm, I'm not wasting any more energy on this. And I think that's kind of like the, cause like I would, I respect people who aren't going to chase someone forever.

I, I feel bad for the people who think that constantly commenting on people's Instagram posts is going to eventually they're going to look and be like, Oh wow. He left three heart emojis. I'm going to DM him and see if he wants to fuck. It's not going to eventually they're going to look and be like, oh, wow, he left three heart emojis. I'm going to DM him and see if he wants to fuck. And even then it wouldn't be like that. It would be, oh, they've left three heart emojis on every picture I've posted for the last three years. He did it.

That was the limit. You know, I've been I've been counting them. Now he's reached that, you know, and that's the thing. I think it's like it's self-respect. It's like people and it's actually, obviously, again, super weird term and all that shit, but this criticizing of what is objectively toxic masculine behavior is itself quite positive. They're telling people to stop with this unending chase, to stop this weird self-debasing in the face of like no kind of like participation.

Right. It's like if it's all one sided and you just won't quit it and you're kind of like pathetic. It's a thing to be totally stepping away from. And I'm glad that people are doing it. The problem is in the danger of like that mentality is that you then will have people who try to like weaponize it of being like oh people are into people who have self-respect but it's not self-respect it's actually not not giving people the time of day it's playing hard to get that's not being it's like you know i mean and then we get the whole obfuscation of you know a whole new layer of toxic masculinity of people being like

oh in order to be desired you have to make sure that you put no effort into your relationship they want you you know i mean and it's like it's that horrible goddamn spiral of the second we we like crack open one nut someone else is like ah but there is an even smaller nut in that one yeah well i think it's like when we were growing up like the term whipped right that's now simping i guess so it's like you're gonna have people be like oh he's fucking whipped when they're just legitimately being a decent partner or like oh this guy's a fucking simp and it's like no he's just being nice to someone you know yeah you're right there's always gonna be people who swing so far that like they think any kind of consideration is simping i mean look look how like negging progressed there is something to be said

about having like flirty banter in which you're kind of like mean to each other in a joking way and then seduction rolls in and it's like you gotta treat women like shit insult their shoes tell them their hair looks bad it's like well did negging ever start that way because i thought negging was always very specifically like you insult to like draw them in or whatever i think its origin started from like if you like pretty much literally anyone i've ever been romantic with and that i've met like without previously knowing like anyone i've met at a bar i will definitely tease them about things you You know what I mean? The same way, like if someone orders a fucking, you know,

Jaeger and Sprite at a bar, if a woman orders that next to me, I'm going to make fun of them from it because that's disgusting. And like, that's, that's not negging, you know, that's,

that's fun banter. And I think seduction and pickup artists notice that that was, that was successful because it's a fun way to break the ice and a fun way to let your guard down and kind of, you know, ha ha, I'm going to poke you back. They just bastardized it massively.

Yeah, it's negging. You have to insult them. Because, yeah, if you look from a distance, I just insulted her drink choice, and it might not go well. Maybe, you know what i mean depending on the person um yeah but it's a jaeger they do deserve it they do deserve it 100 but from like you know someone who's clueless on how to interact with human beings from from their point of view watching it's like oh that man just insulted her and now they're

talking so that must be the way to do it and i feel like this is how it's going to sort of like backswing with simping where people are going to be like, Oh, women don't want simps. So I have to put no effort in. It's like, well, okay,

you're go, I guess. Yeah. I guess like for anyone else confused about what's happening here, it's like, like people are just debasing themselves for possible gratification at some point, whether it be sexual or relationship or whatever. And it's like there are people who haven't learned to take a hint and are then just unceasing and, you know, I guess pathetic. So it's like, yeah, of course they're being criticized for that.

Like there's nothing wrong with being nice to someone. And, you know, but it needs to be reciprocated and it needs to be not this one sided like eternal chase. So it doesn't seem like a mystery to me why people would not applaud men for that. All right. Yes. I think this is this is kind of a long ish question. Not really, but I think it's got a very, very short answer. This comes from Sparkly Butterfly.

My guy friend, 20 year old male, has feelings for me,-year-old female, and I don't know what to do. I have a guy best friend, and a few months ago he asked if he could kiss me. But I said no initially, but after a few weeks I kissed him because I felt like it. But later he started touching me at places I didn't want to be touched at. Even after saying no multiple times, he forced himself upon me. Yesterday he told me he had feelings for me, and he wanted me to become his girlfriend because he said I was his dream girl. But I didn't want to say yes because he is really toxic, even in the friendship, because he would tell me what to wear and not to hang out with the losers and try to control everything in my life. He would get pissed off at the dumbest things.

Once I was on a video call with him and he told me to strip and I said no and he got really pissed. I just don't know what to do. Somebody please give some advice p.s he's my only friend in college and losing him would make me a loner yeah a loner's better than hanging out with this douchebag right like he's a garbage friend let alone everything else and like oh my god there's so much wrong the fact that you said no and he fucking forced himself on you like hey that's a crime you know yeah the fact that you said no and he fucking forced himself on you like hey that's a crime you know yeah the fact that he will tell you to strip and get pissed especially when you guys are friends like this is an always shit thing but like there'll be a terrible boyfriend you know what i mean this is an even worse friend like i don't yeah the the idea of like asking your friend

like i can't imagine being on a video call with my friend and being like hey take your clothes off like someone who in which i've never had you know any there was no like romantic or whatever i mean i guess they kiss but like that doesn't give you permission to do any of this also we don't even know if that happened before or after yeah it's it's so bad also can i just go through like. Definitely shouldn't have kissed the guy. But again, it's like we're not going to victim blame here. You know what I mean? Like she wanted to kiss him. Just like, yeah, I guess.

I wonder why. Okay. She wanted to kiss him. I mean, like the dude is. I'm not victim blaming. I'm not saying she deserves these things because she did what she did. I'm just saying she should not have, which I think we can all agree. This person is not worth it.

You're saying you're a loner. Do you think it's because he's telling you not to hang out with the quote-unquote losers to keep you isolated so that you are his only friend? That's the thing. He's legitimately manipulating you to the point where he is your only thing because presumably that's the only reason

you're still fucking friends with him. That's like if you had the option to hang out with these people, when he's gone, you're going to have that option again. And I can tell you being by yourself is going to be immensely better than this because it seems to be only escalating. And I don't think it's going to stop anytime soon.

Yeah. And unfortunately I'm going to tell you right now, the likelihood of the second you say, Hey, you're kind of a shit person. I don't want to hang out with you or whatever. However means you end this friendship. Uh,

he's probably going to say some stupid bullshit about you. Almost. I could almost guarantee you he's going to be like, Oh yeah, she blew me in the bleachers. Oh yeah, she's this, she's that.

Oh yeah. Blah, blah, blah. As a means to hopefully further isolate you because I'm going to tell you right now, this guy didn't like you stripping or didn't, you you know flipped out when you wouldn't take your clothes off for him he's not gonna like being told that you don't want to be his friend anymore and he's probably gonna do something fucking shit so i would say be prepared for that i don't know how but like

hopefully you haven't sent him any sexy photos or nudes or anything that he can weaponize against you there's also if there's like on-campus security, maybe let them know and be like, hey, I've been having trouble with someone I'm going to be breaking off. You know, maybe don't necessarily mention him if you don't want to, you know, exacerbate the situation. But letting an authoritative figure know that like, should the worst happen happen you've got your bases covered and like no harm getting their number if you live on campus or even for when

you're on campus like i think what dane's saying is in being prepared is always a good thing hopefully if it's universally like there there isn't that same kind of like intimate rumor mill network that like high school tends to have so like hopefully his ability to spread shit is is going to be limited but like just avoid him don't continue this friendship because again even if for some reason you are completely alone for the rest of your university you're going to be so much better off than being with this fuck so go places he won't be make new friends and hopefully he will move on to some other victim because this guy is a piece of shit i'll tell you that that's an awful thing to say i mean hopefully he will leave you alone i obviously don't want him to find anybody else and be awful for them that came out so wrong um

alternatively start making friends now go talk go hang out with the losers that he didn't want you to hang out with and and hang out with them and and sort of like give them a heads up be like hey just so you know it's like there's this shit dude who I'm probably going to end my friendship with and might say some terrible things about me. You know what I mean? Like you might not have to go that heavy, but like certainly start amassing a friend group now before you do it. So that should he try to turn people against you, you've already got people who've got your back. But yeah, just, you know, be careful. But don't made stay in this awful situation because that's what as dane said he's actively

doing you know what i mean he's manipulating you so you have nowhere else to go and no one else to confide in like he's trying to make himself your everything so that you kind of have to do what he says and stick around which is fucked but this person is a scumbag and you need to get out yeah he's literally using the like the abuser's playbook uh page by page your safety and your mental health are paramount over everything else this person is not gonna be good for either of those things so be safe but get away from them and that is going to bring us towards the end of the show but before we wrap up we like to jump on some online dating platforms like tinder Bumble, and Hinge, and peruse online dating profiles and

figure out what works and what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Ready for Ivy? Yes. Yes, like the poison. Kiss emoji. Voted most likely to ice you on the first date. You've been warned. Culinary industry professional works in the finest of fine dining, can

transition seamlessly from dinner service to a date and back again slightly bratty black coffee white flowers and love letters um you know what i i kind of like this i i don't hate it uh i don't think the only thing that really like pinked for me was kind of bratty oh yeah right that uh that could be so bratty is also like a kink thing so that could just be a little sort of like tip of the nose kink sort of thing i hope so i worry it isn't but i mean like even if it's not i don't think it's enough for me to like really be like oh boy this person at all costs so i'm gonna give it a six. Yeah, it's not terrible. Although when they say most likely to ice you after having just mentioned poison, do they mean murder or do they mean Smirnoff icing?

Who knows? I hope Smirnoff icing. I'll give it a six as well. This is Aaliyah, young successful entrepreneur that learned to be more than one source of income after the pandemic took most of our jobs and salary cuts, living happily and more independently. Proud of my achievements made through hard work and also working smart through innovation, smart apps, and also real life investment and shares that generate healthy revenue. I'm young. I'm financial free. I'm independent women,

decider of my life. Don't we all want the freedom that comes with multiple sources of income? This is a fucking crypto bro pretending to be a girl to get you to invest in his Dogecoin. It's so fucking weird. I'm like, are you making like a LinkedIn investor profile? Or are you making a dating profile? What the fuck are you talking about? I will bet you 100% this is just some way of like oh yeah come join my crypto thing like it's not a dating profile maybe yeah maybe it is like a

catfish sort of oh 100 it gets a one yeah i'm also giving it a one i like i'm not even like there's no doubt in my mind this is some kind of crypto catfish thing this is Rebecca is anyone else getting weird ads for like saran wrap on here someone normal please talk to me I have dogs that's an excellent question I haven't seen saran wrap ads also a very strange thing to advertise on a

dating platform like yeah I don't like that one bit but I will say isn it really a good dating profile so i'm gonna give this a three because there's nothing there that gives me personality i yeah it's kind of boring and i don't understand like is the most important or exciting thing about you that you got saran wrap ads like and dogs like that's the other thing is like okay like i love dogs but i'm not gonna fucking hook up with someone to get to their dogs that's the thing is like a lot of people do so like i would rather go with the

people who have personality and have interested me in in some way that also have dogs if that's really like a deal breaker for me, it's like must have dogs. I just don't understand. You're capable of telling me what ads you see. That's all I need. It's super bland. Yeah, three. Because it's bland but not offensive. Yeah. This is Caroline. Families stay together

from this day to the end of our days. Fast and Furious? I have no fucking idea. Fast and Furious? I have no fucking idea. Fast and Furious? Although it says families, and they only deal with family. Shit, yeah, there's only the one. Damn it, I was almost ready to like it.

Yeah, that's going to be a fucking two, because not everybody has the luxury of having a supportive family, and also, that gives me nothing about you. Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about, Caroline i'm sorry like it feels like at best you're a little ignorant and like boring because this again is is there's no no and we got e looking for a serious relationship communication respect and loyalty is very important to me i can only date someone with a university degree with interest in working out and healthy lifestyle.

I don't have kids, but I want to have them in the future as well as pets. I can't date a man who is divorced or has kids. I'm an extrovert. Love animals. 1.6 meters long. I am not religious. And I can't date a religious person. Politic?

Right. Only non-smokers. Thanks no to egoists narcissists. Strange that they're not religious but refuse to date a divorced person. Because like what other reason do you have to not date someone? I guess but how old is this person? 35. Yeah you think you're going to find someone who's, who's 35 that doesn't have baggage.

And by that, I mean like who doesn't have traumas from previous relationships being married does not absolve you from, or not being married doesn't absolve you from, from relationship based trauma. Yeah. It's, it's kind of wild.

Also like a half reads like a job degree or a job uh description like oh need someone with a university degree it's like really like it's a really strange thing to base this on because you could have a bullshit degree you could have a very high degree or you could have no degree and there's probably not going to be any difference between the three people i've met people who've never been to university that fucking rock i know a bunch of people have degrees who are dumb as shit so yeah man one of the smartest people i've ever met in my fucking life was a line cook that i used to work with at a sports bar and he had he dropped out of high school he was so fucking smart and also just like

a really good person as well so like the the sort of like random or, you know, arbitrary desire. I need a university degree for what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is going to be one as well. I love that. Instead of saying they're 1.6 meters tall, they say 1.6 meters long.

That, that was very funny to me. Yeah. It's like a two again. Uh, this is June looking for sexy sexy rich well endowed i wonder if we can have some fun uh it's actually january uh that's it another joke tumblr loves yeah true uh it's just super boring it's like great okay cool for me june you're asking for a lot you're

asking for sexy rich and well endowed and you don't know if we're gonna have fun you gotta offer something june i want a if i'm sexy rich and well endowed you better be like we'll have some fun not like oh i wonder we might be able to maybe we will it's like sorry june what do you bring to the table? If not the promise of fun. Have you heard of the female dating strategy? Six, six, six approach. No. Is that just selling your soul to the devil? Effectively.

It's that the thing they put out where they're like, you should only date a man who's over six feet, make six figures and has over six inches. And like they got torn. It's still perpetuating itself in that hellhole of a sub but uh everyone was like are you are you insane like one you're like there's very few people that are gonna match that description and probably none of them want you guys because you're the most toxic garbage people yeah i feel like this is the kind of person that would want that uh it's super boring and bland it's like cool you want that but what about you what about you do you have dogs do you get ads for saran wrap let me tell you their profile only had one picture and it wasn't it was just

like of them from behind no no like you have no idea what they look like don't really know what their body type is so it's like like, again, you're asking a lot. And you're giving nothing. Offering nothing. Yeah. So this is going to be my zero of the day. Yeah, I'll give it a one just because some of the others were pretty garbo as well. But it is pretty garbage.

This is Victoria. Teacher, translator, tutor. Graduated magna cum laude. Therefore, I consider intelligence to be immensely attractive oxford in the streets urban dictionary in the sheets mommy raised me to be praised on my intelligence not my appearance i play every sport imaginable i dance like beyonce and cook like betty crocker likely the silliest girl you'll ever meet i laugh a lot mostly in my own jokes man there are some things that i really like about this and then other things where i'm like i'm not sure also isn't betty crocker like all all in boxes like isn't that well any crocker

thing is it all just like or is it like i guess i don't really know anything about a woman it's named after yeah i assume they were like a cook and their food is the stuff you know what i mean it's like their brand isn't necessarily what they cook i i appreciate the confidence i like the like that sort of thing but the constant bringing up of intelligence and how smart they are and how like they need to be sort of like worshipped for this intelligence gives me some real strong elitist vibes that i don't love i also feel like if you are secure in your intelligence you don't have to mention it so many times in a dating profile like i don't know i feel like it's very weird it's like if i was like i'm attractive and as an attractive person blah blah also it's like i graduated therefore i consider intelligence to be immensely attractive it's like okay not

really therefore like you do or you don't it doesn't matter how you graduated you know yeah it really strikes me as like the people who want to like really be known that they travel a lot and every second like every chance they get they mention like oh that reminds me of this one time when i was in brazil it's like we get it we get it i used to work with someone who like like lived in jamaica for two months or something and And no matter what you said, it was like, Oh, when I lived in Jamaica,

it's like, I'm talking about fucking cutting lemons. Like fuck off. Yeah. Like if this was anything, I think it would be a red flag. Like, Oh,

super funny. Therefore I find humor, whatever. I'm the funniest person you'll meet. Like we'd be like, okay, we get it. Shut up.

Um, however, Oxford in the streets, urban dictionary in the sheets. That's very good. That's very, very good. So that goes back up thing of being like,

Oh, I'm, I dance like Beyonce. It's like, great. That's I like that confidence. I want you to feel like you're, you're,

you know, the pinnacle of whatever you are. Great. Cool. But again, like the whole elitist vibe, I'm going to put it at a five because I don't think it's enough for me to say no, but it stops what could be a very good profile from being great. Yeah, I would be hesitant, but curious.

Yeah. You know, like it's not good to be kind of like walking on eggshells because I feel like I would be like I'd be waiting for the elitism. Right. like i'd be waiting for the elitism right yes i'd be ready for like the eye roll if i said something or if i used a wording correctly or if i you know said that a place was in the wrong country i i feel like i would get or the opposite like the fear of having to be like oh like you don't want to be that guy who's like actually that's incorrect you know what i mean like i wouldn't be sure which way would go probably both you. Or just people who use big words for no reason. Anyway,

I think it would be middle of the road five. A cautious approach. And that's going to be it. That's going to do it, friends. That is our show. Thank you very much for listening. If you have questions that you would like to send in and for us to answer, and let me tell you, I'd way rather

answer your guys' questions than have to troll through Reddit to find them. Please head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the contact form, fill it out. You can choose your agent name. We'll give you one if you don't. We keep things completely anonymous so you can bare your souls to us

and know that we will never let anyone know any of your secrets. If you'd like to support the show, same website, fbuddiespodcast.com click the patreon link and uh join the show support us a little bit it helps keep the show running it helps let us do other things uh pursue other projects um and at the seven dollar tier you get an extra episode every month called Pillow Talk on the topic of other projects. We have a new show out called No Quest for the Wicked. You can check it out at noquestcast.com. It's a Starfinder actual play podcast, which is us playing essentially Dungeons and Dragons in space.

I tell the story. Niall and two of our very good friends are players in it and they are absolutely incredible it's a lot of fun we're just starting a uh like a new thing where every week this month of february we're releasing an episode every week instead of every two weeks so now is a great time to to jump on the the the no quest train yeah um like some people who haven't listened to dnd and haven't even played the game before have been kind of like reaching out and they're like pleasantly surprised that it ends up kind of like coming across more like a radio play than needing kind of any in-depth

knowledge on anything else so it is essentially just like a narrative that's a little bit improv we roll some dice which can let me tell you really spice up the story when they fuck us over dane's done an incredible job it's a blast uh and i think you guys will enjoy it and you get to meet two of our very close friends and expand your boy circle that sounds wrong either way come expand your boy circle with us also we have a patreon if you want to go support us on that we would love that and you'll get extra stuff like pillow talk which i think did you mention i might go crazy you did just mention didn't you and we're actually about to go record that now so we might be a little loopy because we've just going from one recording to the other that always knocks a few edges off

we're loosed up you know what i mean we're fucking yeah bendy we're flexible so uh if you want to see us all looped up and ready to go expanding ouranding our boy holes. I'm going to stop. Why is it holes? Oh, shit. I'm not all spine. Oh, stop it. Thank her. Thank our good boy.

Oh, thank you, Tumblr. We couldn't have done it without you. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. Do you have some bad sex writing for us? I do. And this one comes in at a review from a restaurant in Edmonton. Okay. Unexpected.

I want to read out this fucker's name, but I won't. So it's a one-star review. And they say, I saw one of the waitresses from here at the Canadian brew house tonight. Not professional to be attending other restaurants during COVID. Also, she ignored me when I tried to talk to her. Customers should be treated better, even when you're not at work. It's true. It is very, very true that if, especially as a bartender, I know this. If someone I serve sees me out in the wild, I do have to continue serving them.

And whatever they ask for. Also, this person who skips from restaurant to restaurant, that's fine. But this person who works at one one how dare she go to a restaurant how dare she not professional I should be allowed to harass her wherever she is also sorry she didn't ignore him she basically ignored him is what he said

so I'm sure like you know a polite hello she wasn't yeah I'm sure it was like what you would probably do in fact probably more than you need to do to someone you fucking served at your place once. So if the person who did this review is listening, fuck you, dude. Fuck you a lot, you dumb shit.

The fuck's wrong with you? My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. We've been your fuck buddies. Go expand your boy holes. Thank you.