F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 179 - My Girlfriend’s Secret KFC

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

I'm very sorry, Mr. Murray, I didn't mean to slander you.  Topics include Niall's terrifying crow trivia, anal-safe condoms, a sexual history PowerPoint, using other senses as a means for arousal, the cuckification of oral sex, encouraging your partner to reciprocate, your girlfriend's mysterious hole and more Tinders.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niall Spain And we're your fuck buddies We are a dating and sex advice podcast Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies.

We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them on the topics of sex and also the topics of dating. I realize that there was fun sex news that came out recently that we didn't talk about is that sometimes when crows find dead crows on the ground they will have sex on top of them with their partner having some kind of dead crow sex sandwich now are they having sex with the dead crow or are they just having sex on top of the dead crow uh depending on the crow either and or both could happen so yeah there you go there's a little i was listening to the whole thing on crow funerals and it sounded like it was gonna be really wholesome because they're one of the few creatures that like react to death in

specific ways and like there's been reports of them like dropping off twigs or like finding wrappers and like leaving little gifts for them after they've died but then the fucking podcast just turned very quickly and they were like oh yeah sometimes when they find them they just dismember them or they have sex on top of them or with them i was like what i wanted a nice pleasant crow podcast and i got this creepy hell podcast yeah doesn't it suck when you're trying to listen to a podcast and enjoy it and then all of a sudden they start talking about fucking weird shit? Yeah, I know. But no, that is not the sex news I was going to talk about.

It's the sex news. Is it about anal condoms? It is about anal condoms. Thank you. I don't want to talk about anything. You go ahead, please. Carry on. All right.

So I'm sorry I always have to bring sex news to the podcast, but for the FDA grants the first condom approved for anal sex. You know, it's crazy. I didn't realize that other condoms weren't approved for anal sex. Yeah, I know. I saw that and was like, hmm. But I think it's just like because of the lack of anal lubrication like produced on the butt's end there's like increased chance of it ripping and like increased damage and blah blah blah so it's like they never managed to get a condom that would stand up to that to i think over 95 percent effect of this which is what the fda requires

so regular condoms are they could be 94 but still not enough i mean i don't have enough anal sex to to really adjust it, but I feel like we would have talked about this more. Like, like why have I never heard from like the gay community that, that like our condoms are constantly ripping? Well, 94% is still pretty, uh, pretty high. I don't know.

I mean, how many times do I roll one in D20? It's the same odds. It's true, but yeah, I don't know. I'm just, you know,'m just you know i just it was interesting to me because i was like man we have been using regular condoms for anal sex for a very long time probably since the inception of the condom and not once have i ever heard anyone say oh yeah those aren't really made for that yeah part of me wonders if it was a lack of people going out and getting it a pretty you know what i mean like word directs every year being like hey this is our

year fuck we didn't get it damn it we just want like you know or did they just not care and then this company were like oh this is our thing if we go and get marketed like specifically around this then that's kind of our brand like i like that's kind of where i'm at it's like i can't it seems weird to imagine that all this time it's never been all that safe of an option i just wonder if maybe no one went out of their way to get that certified that's what i'm guessing because like i said like we're in a time of like social change and people demanding equality and people and with the internet were able to put messages out if i feel like if the gay community was having using condoms that were anybody who

or yeah or anyone but i feel like you know that community uh of anal sex havers would be like hey can we get a condom that's meant for this, please? So I imagine, like, I think you're right. It's got to be that. Where, like, Durex and Trojan and all that just weren't, like, all too, you know, they were like, hey, it works. We got good condoms. You're fine. We don't need special certification for various holes.

I imagine that's how it is. Not to say that there's anything wrong with this brand. I think it's great that they're actively trying to make a safe condom for people who either don't want to or prefer to have anal sex or just have anal sex for fun. I think it's great. So good for you. Yeah.

No, I think even if that's the case, it's like really cool that they're going out of their way to, you know, certify their product and make it actually you know like well i was about to say 100 effective i don't think anything is but you know in that in that upper quadrant now if you want to sponsor us one condoms because that's what they're called right i think so we should probably you know name them yeah one condoms if you want to sponsor us one condoms we'll take everything back about being like, I'm sure every other condom is just as good.

I was going to say. I will actively disparage every other brand if you pay me to. I'll tear them apart in my own butt. Just to prove a point. Ready for a question? This is by Anonymous3628.

My girlfriend, 22, told me she made a PowerPoint about all the guys she's hooked up with. That literally sums it up. Like, I don't know whether to laugh or be upset. She told me it happened before we started dating, but just don't know how to react. I don't know if I'm comfortable. That's it. Now, I think it would depend on why they did this, because I know that there is i i don't know if it's still a thing but there was like the that powerpoint party thing where um i don't necessarily know i the only time i ever saw

it was women sharing it so i don't know if if if it was like targeted at women of being like you know grab a bottle of wine everyone does a powerpoint presentation and that's why and then like if that's the reason a bunch of different non-women who have shared it yeah cool i mean like so that like there was there was a thing a while back where everyone was doing or not everyone but like you know there was a meme going around every single person everyone's making these crazy powerpoint things um of like people making powerpoint presentations and you you you know get a little drunk and you perform or you you present your your powerpoint slides and which was it was honestly pretty fucked up because it was just a power move by big powerpoint big slideshow yeah

once we realized that you know they were using bots on twitter to share this meme just so people would go and buy microsoft office again um so i think it depends i think if they did it like for this as a joke with their friends i think whatever who cares it's it's literally no different than gossiping about the people that you've hooked up with with your friends it also could just be very funny you don't know the point of the powerpoint yeah i think i think context we've said it before it's fucking key here and it it weirdly i'd love to know how it it weirdly i'd love to know how it came up i'd love to know how you reacted i'm like i'm guessing by this not very well um and it's like did the conversation end there did you not clarify well i also don't think he's

seen it it sounds like he hasn't seen it it sounds like he just is aware of the powerpoint 100 but it's like even if i didn't see it i'd be like like, why? Or like, what is it? And again, like you said, I like how you went to the positive aspect where it's like, oh, it could be for one of these reasons that makes this not weird. If it's just a personal PowerPoint where it's like, this is my sex list. I do think that's quite weird. I mean, it is. But at the same time, it's like it's really no different than like, you know, having it in your head. Like, again, I think it really depends on what. No, no. Okay. No, it is different know having it in your head like again i think it really depends on what no no okay no it is different than having it in your head no it was like it is no it was like that guy who made that power that spreadsheet about all the times his wife refused sex for him

and that was just like his his coping thing of like living in a dead bedroom. And then when it got weird, when the wife released it, like, I don't think like, yes. Is it weird to have a PowerPoint or like a notebook with the names of everyone you've ever slept with? Yeah, a little bit. But at the end of the day, like it really doesn't mean anything unless there's really gross things in said PowerPoint. No, I'm not saying it's like a crime.

I'm not saying it's like a crime i'm not saying it's awful but the step to literally create a physical like monuments to it versus just being able to remember it yeah it's definitely a step further but i mean like i i don't think there's any reason to think that this person is some sort of sex criminal again unless i'm not saying there's i'm not saying it's weird i'm saying this person i think we can Yeah. I'm saying this person is like, I don't know how to react to it. It's like, yes.

Well, unless there is something in there that is like really gross about being like, Oh, small dick, useless person. One, you know what I mean?

Like that kind of shit. If that's in the, if that's the nature of it, then yes, I think it's bad. But if it's just like, this guy was great. Then like,

fuck it. Like, it doesn't matter. It's so inconsequential. Okay, so I, where I'm kind of on the same page, I think, you know, step one, it exists. If it exists just because they're like, here's my sex PowerPoint, it's kind of weird.

Is it awful? No. Is it like a relationship ender? No, it's still weird. You know what I mean? Just kind of like, like okay why'd you do that and then you're right it is flavored by the contents like if it's their nudes and like if it's just weird shit like that's as you said like cruel or kind of sheds more of an indication

on like them because if they're like oh this person sucks here's his here's the ways to get to him here's like his deep fears and his nudes and his address. That's kind of creepy and weird. If it's just like, we met here, here's a key memory and whatever, that could be kind of almost sweet. It's still, I think, a little weird from the get-go, but the contents definitely do kind of flavor it. Yeah, I think the only reason to be, again, unless depending on the contents, I think the only reason to be weird about this is if like you have some sort of like idea

that you don't want to or you want to pretend like your partner doesn't have a sexual history. Because like really that's all this is is like a transcript of a sexual history, right? That's why I think this person is so uncomfortable. It's like, and again, I'm on their page person is so uncomfortable it's like and again i i'm on their page i do think it's a little weird i don't think it's make a post about it on reddit

weird or like i don't know how to react don't know if i'm comfortable weird it's like your partner you need to know this we'll say this until the cows come home because they just they stay out real late do you guys have that saying here till the cows come home yeah great it's weird that or no you need to be able to know that your partner has hooked up with people and has had relationships and things before you if that's the root of this you need to get over that but yeah you need context get some context and then unless there's something harrowing and like cruel and ultra weird it's fine there's a very simple solution to this and it is buy a bottle of wine, make a PowerPoint yourself, and have a

PowerPoint night. That could actually be very funny. That would be so much fun. Invite some of your friends over, everyone does a PowerPoint of their sexual history, and a go. Now, I think if you're doing that with your partner, you need to do double, triple date kind of deal.

I don't think you two as the only couple and like four single friends because that's going to be like they're going to have fun but you guys still have that potential for conflict whereas like if you're with two sound couples who can also be positive then hopefully that will eradicate any possible like oh really david big cock david really you know like and hey maybe there's a you know you can come up with a That will eradicate any possible like. Oh really? David? Big cock David? Really? You know like. And hey maybe there's a.

You know you can come up with a rule. Being like we'll change names. In case there's you know crossover. In friend group and stuff like that. To avoid awkwardness. Like we don't want to. Make anything uncomfortable. For people who aren't present. You know what I mean?

Because like at the end of the day. Like the name. And who specifically was. It doesn't really matter. So, you know, maybe make that clear and like, Hey,

this is a great, do you have a friend who's got a terrible partner and you know, they're, they're not good for them. Invite them over, blow that relationship up, get free. The relationship will be gone instantly.

So yeah, I think whatever, like share these PowerPoints with each other. I think it'd be a really fun bonding moment. It'll be a moment for you to sort of like address your jealousy, come to terms with the fact that your partner has a sexual history and just like laugh it off. Because I really don't think again, unless it's like really, really gross stuff in there. I think it's such a non-issue. Now, or you fight fire with fire.

What's weirder than a PowerPoint document? A scrapbook. I don't think that's weirder at all. I think that's such a non-issue. Now, or you fight fire with fire. What's weirder than a PowerPoint document? A scrapbook. I don't think that's weirder at all. I think that's actually less weird. It is if it's made up, like if all the pictures of people are made up of various magazine cutouts in which you've constructed their face using very different people. No, that's, yeah, that's definitely. I mean, that's how I do it.

Okay, yeah, no, that's fine. I usually just take samples of their flesh and draw pictures of them on that. Like, I cure it like leather. It's like vellum, really, but it's peepalum. Peepalum. Peepalum. Yeah, I actually really like that joint PowerPoint night idea. Please, someone do that.

I know what we're doing for our next double date. I'd be down. Ours would be long. Mm-hmm. Well, I assume it would be like, oh, yeah, it's who you've hooked up with. Never mind. Ours is like, oh, the people you've dated. That's a shorter list.

Yeah. Well, it's a sleepover. This comes from Reddit user bmlocha. Help. I want to blindfold my boyfriend to highlight sensations other than visual during foreplay and sex, but I need ideas on what. My boyfriend heavily relies on visual elements of sex to get turned on, which is fine because I love being adored visually and feeling sexy and beautiful.

But I would like to showcase how enjoyable all the other senses can be during foreplay and sex, like touch, sound, and scent. What kind of things can I offer him while he's blindfolded? I've thought about having music the sound of my voice and breath ice cubes feathers talking dirty but i'm open to ideas please it's a weird question there's a reason i brought it and we can talk about like what they're actually asking but the reason i brought it is at no point in time do you seem to say that this is something that he's interested in yeah and if someone is

reliant on certain stimuli to be turned on to remove that from the equation simply because you want to might lead to a very frustrating experience for your partner 100 but also it's like some of the things they listed it's like music what like I mean I get that like no one's like hold on sit there listen to the sexy music it's like oh I'm still turned on listen that sultry like bass hmm really there's not there's not songs that like make you want to fuck not in a like comparable to foreplay way I mean I don't think that's not I don't think they're saying we're gonna remove because she says like during sex and foreplay way. I mean, I don't think they're saying we're going to remove because she says like during sex and foreplay, what are some other things I

can do to looking at. So it's like putting out a really sexy song is a very powerful trigger for me. What sexy song? I will tell you right now. Hold on. Let me open up my playlist. Hypnotic by Zella Day. Regardless by Jared James and Julia

Stone. You're going gonna send me these later By Gangly, Better by Banks Because, I don't know, it's like songs are Fine, like, to put on the background or whatever But like, I wouldn't be like, oh yeah Six in the Morning by Tender I mean, no, like Is the song giving me an erection?

No, absolutely not Does it heighten the enjoyable Does it sound like it is In fact giving you an erection? Yes, it does. What? It sounds like it is. That's all I'm saying.

I wish a song could give me a fucking erection. That'd be great. Well, it seems to be that this person... I don't know. To me, just the list that they were given and the fact that... I don't know. The way they put it, it seemed really weird. And it seems like they're going to be like,

Okay, lie there. Don't do anything. Listen to this music. And two minutes pass.'s like okay that's done now it's voice time she's like no you're you're taking this to the extreme they literally say highlight sensations other than visual during foreplay and sex i know but i just the way they said it they sound weird i think they're gonna to do it weird. But yeah, you raised a really fine point. I think that's part of why I'm looking on the worst side of this is because it just seems like I'm going to do a thing because I want to, and I'm going to take away the

thing he specifically likes. Yeah. This is something that you need to clear with your partner first. Be like, hey, would you be interested in doing this? Here are some of my suggestions. I would like to sort of like treat you to sort of a, you know, a sense experience thing here. And at any point in time,

if you're not feeling it, that's fine. I would also suggest if this is something you want to do, let him get turned on first because nothing's worse than being hyper aware of being like, okay, I can't rely on the thing that usually helps me get erect, but I'm going to try to get erect anyway. Because then you're so in your head at that point.

So you're like on stage almost, right? Yeah. that he likes normally and then break up the blindfold and try to heighten the experience that way as opposed to starting from zero being like you get nothing that you enjoy we're gonna figure this out use it as a little spice and not like in lieu of everything you know because i think like we talked about this uh on our on pillow talk, our Patreon exclusive episode where things like tying people up and blindfolds and stuff. There's a very fine line that you walk when you introduce this kind of stuff when it's fun.

And then to the point of like being like, okay, I'm done with this now as the person who's getting it done to, you know, taking that thing away is like almost like creating a tease and like tension and you know but at a point it becomes just shit yeah it becomes like an inconvenience yeah or you just want it so badly that it's it's not good anymore you know what i mean it's a fine line to travel also importantly when you're talking to him about whether or not he wants this ask him what he would

like you know i mean or ask him what he wouldn't like you know i think they mentioned ice cubes it's like some people fucking hate the cold i would hate don't do the fucking ice cube i don't know what dude i mean like again i'm sure there is a dude fine i don't want ice cubes on me the only thing about ice cubes is they're just awkward because they melt and you get water all over the bed. And that's not fun. But I'm just like, I don't know what point of being cold is a sexual experience for me. Yeah, I can get it. You ever gotten a cold blowjob? Where like they sucked an ice cube and then go down you?

It's fucking crazy. Hey, it's a blowjob though. Yeah. I mean, you can pretty much do anything with a blowjob and it'll be great. Fair. But even just like, I don't know't know I get it I'm not mad about them but like I've done it before and had no complaints I just yeah I mean I just

don't think but again this right here is why you need to talk to your partner because like you know if you're with now you bust out the fucking ice cubes and he's only rock hard but ice cubes he loves them so much and it's the only thing that he does enjoy and the only way he could finish,

if you bring out an ice cube for me, my Dick reverts back up into my body and we'll never be seen again. And then you have to stuff the cavity with ice cubes. God. But no, I think, I think there is something sexy to be like, you know,

if, if you take your time and set the stage and like, let him, let him get turned on first blindfold him put on that sexy song and sort of like you know let lots of touch that kind of stuff like i think that would be really hot but again i think like the key is also to go slow when you're in the moment and when you're all hopped up it's like you always like you're going quicker than you think you are always you know what i mean so it's like really take your time and like savor it and like if you're doing those neck

kisses like take it some fucking time like when you're traveling south take some time like i think it's all about those lingering touches and that slowness you know you're not gonna put a blindfold on then just start fucking jerking it like crazy but it may be good that'd probably be fun too again it's a hand job yeah i think i think there's i think there's room here for enjoyment but there definitely needs to be communication beforehand and during to make sure that it isn't just a frustrating experience for him in which he feels like he's got to get hard based on what you're doing even if what you're doing isn't arousing to him and that will that uh that'll fuck him up i promise you that is going to be something that he will think about and could cause potential problems down the line uh from a mental standpoint it'll also suck for you because like you'll have

done this like cool, sexy thing and like failed and then won't feel particularly sexy about it. So like for both your sakes, just like be chill, talk to each other, communicate. Don't just whip it out, put them on the spot and like upset you both.

All right. Maybe go the other way around and do like the clockwork orange thing where like he came and blink now. So you're overloading his visual elements. Yeah? How about that? Just pry his eyes, staple his eyelids to his face. No, stop. Hit me with a new question. I stapled my boyfriend's eyelids to his face. Stop it. How do I... Okay, this is a seduction by JasonGuy22. Serious question.

It says it in brackets so you know. Is it sort of a turn off if I go down on the girl I'm dating really often? Been dating her for a few months. I like going down on her. And every time we have sex, I tell her I want to taste her and go down on her and all that. I'm pretty good at it. Is doing that too much kind of cookie? Cookie or cookie?

Cookie? C-U-C-K-Y. Why would that be cookie? Does this guy not know what cookie is? Like what cuckold means? Why would that be? Well, being a cook has become shorthand for being like, you know, whipped or like. Which makes no sense.

No, not at all. Like words have meaning for a reason folks different things mean different things um i i'm just so bewildered by that it's like you're having sex with this person frequently that also makes you a cook by the way if you pleasure her sexually yeah it's like you're you're having sex with this person enough times that you are concerned that you're doing it too much. Would you maybe not think for two seconds that the reason you keep getting invited back to have sex with this person is because of the things that you're currently doing? Just the fear of like being somehow like not an alpha or something. I don't know.

It's just absolutely baffling. Flip it in your head. If she was giving you a bunch of blowjobs all the time, would you think any less of her? Would that not be amazing? The problem is they would, they would probably be like, Hey,

how, how did she get so good at blowing blow jobs? Like, well, there's only one way that someone could get this good is lots of practice, which means that there's been a bunch of man meat in her, in her mouth and i i refuse to have the the residual dicks in her mouth touch

my dick that's gay probably like you know like that's we had a question not not that far off from this a while back remember where they were like, yes. So like 100%, they would be all freaked out if someone was very, it's seduction is the craziest fucking place. Yeah. It's this weird hellscape where you're just caught between extremes all the time. But to answer the question, no, what the fuck? You're a part like, that's like saying, oh, I was nice to my girlfriend all week. Is that too cookie? Was I too good to, it just sounds like i'm talking about cookies now why do you keep saying cookie like cookie it's very confusing the same same word dude cookie and cookie are very two different

things if so cookie cookie cookie i think i'm just saying i'm more high pitched either way you know what i mean also seduction probably think you shouldn't be nice to your girlfriend for a week straight or your boyfriend. But no, be a good partner. And that includes sexually, socially, etc. If you weren't checking the boxes for this person, chances are they wouldn't keep sleeping with you. So what you're doing is working.

You're having sex with someone that presumably you're enjoying having sex with. They're enjoying having sex with you so what you're doing is working you're having sex with someone that presumably you're enjoying to you're enjoying having sex with they're enjoying having sex with you so just keep doing what you're doing if you're good at oral sex i don't think there's a person alive who would be like oh this person is too good at oral i can't stand it he always wants to pleasure me yawn and if they are like that they're a garbage person that's the thing if they're like uh i think less of you as a person because you're so eager to go down on me like one that person sucks you've done yourself favor by getting out of there and two when they go to their next fucking relationship where the person won't touch their vagina with a 10-foot pole that's gonna be them being like oh shit yeah because the reality is out there people are so weird about going down on people because they suck

so you're one of the good ones and you're worried that you should stop that don't go down on her right now in fact anybody listening go down on your partner right now not if you're in the car or like you know around kids or something but you know what I mean? Later when you can. Um, this is a perfect segue into and four Oh four zero one three guy. I'm seeing won't go down on or finger me. I've been seeing a guy. Hmm. You serious? Yeah.

Hell yeah. I've been seeing a guy for a few months. Anytime we have sex, he will rub my clit for a while and I will usually orgasm. Sometimes I do. And sometimes I don't, I will give him oral sex and then we go and have PIV sex. He has never tried to go down on me and has only ever fingered me twice for about three seconds. The last time we had sex, he was rubbing my clit and I gently moved his hand down so he could finger me. He quickly moved his

hand away and said he was forcing or said I was forcing him to do something he didn't want to do. Of course, I would never want to force anyone to do something they were not comfortable with, but it did genuinely confuse me. Is this normal? Do guys not want to finger or perform oral sex on women? My last boyfriend always wanted to do it because it made me feel good, slash ready for PIV sex. I've thought about not giving him head until he gives me head, slash fingers me,

but I do enjoy pleasuring him, and I would feel bad if I didn't do it. I have never been with a guy before that expects me to be ready for piv sex just by rubbing my clit how do i go about the situation should i say something any advice i see this is tough because he's not a cook so yeah yeah how do you turn him into a cook? It's, uh, what do you think we should do here? Well, I think bring it up. Like, so far, it seems like the only kind of overtures have been you grabbing his fingers and moving it down, which, let's be fair, was a fucking wild response on his end, being like, you're forcing me to do something I don't want to do.

And, like, that's, I think, the kind of the crux of these situations where it's like, you should never be forced to do something you don't want to do, obviously. But at the same time, it's like, you should also go down on your partner if you expect them to go down on you. You know what I mean? You can't have it both ways, I don't think. Unless there's some crazy reason, you know what I mean? Or some very dramatic reason why you can't or don't want to or whatever.

And also if your partner's cool with that, you know what I mean? So it's like, you need to talk to to them tell them how important this is for you if they don't want to do it then sure i guess they can decide to not do that if they want and then you need to i guess leave that relationship if it's that important to you which it probably is or else you wouldn't be writing about this and also oral sex is the best so i get it um yeah because you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do um unfortunately a lot of men seem to have this weird aversion to vaginas um and like you know it sucks but at the same time you cannot again force people to do shit so

you need to one actually talk about this like for the old move the hand while you guys are in the act and not really discuss it isn't covering your bases. But if you just let them know that you don't feel like you've been kind of appropriately given attention, meanwhile, you're doing the thing for them,

like hopefully they will understand. And if not, you need to just figure out how important it is for you in a relationship. Yeah, it's one of those things where you do need to sit down and have the conversation. Definitely have it not while you're having sex, as we've talked about

before, uh, removed from the bedroom situation, have this conversation, explain why it's important to you and maybe ask them why they're not comfortable, you know, be like, Hey, last time we were sleeping together, uh, I tried to get you to finger me and you said you weren't comfortable. I just, I just want to kind of understand why so i can learn your boundaries and and know you know what you are and what you're not comfortable with and why that is because it's something i really enjoy and if it's not something you're comfortable with um we're gonna maybe need to figure out a solution because i would also like to receive the same amount of pleasure that you do and this could be something as simple as like,

you know, maybe he doesn't feel like he's good at fingering or he's been insulted in the past about his fingering skills and therefore would rather, you know, if he's making you come playing with your clit, then like why risk stepping into territory where he might disappoint you? Again, there could be any number of reasons why he doesn't want to.

Maybe he just needs me. Like maybe you need to buy a toy in which he can use to, you know, warm you up a little bit, a dildo or something like that. The type of men who are like not going down on you are usually really comfortable with toys. And I know,

but like maybe, maybe it's a tactile sensation. You know what I mean? Like maybe he doesn't like the, the, the feeling of the insides. Maybe like it turns his stomach. Maybe he wants to do sensation. You know what I mean? Maybe he doesn't like the feeling of the insides. Maybe it turns his stomach. Maybe he wants to do it.

There's any number of reasons. I've never heard of someone not want to finger somebody. You know what I mean? I've never heard them be turned off by that. So immediately my mind went where you did to someone you know mocked him for it or said he was bad and now he's just like nope not for me yeah um but it could be what you said yeah there's some reason there and like getting to the bottom of it and i think a lot of like we say this all the time i think an important thing about this conversation because insecurities are going to be running high

is to be kind and like not phrase it in a like way that could be misconstrued or like upset anybody which you know it's some people are going to get upset no matter what but like if you phrase it in a way like not why don't you ever go down to me more like hey i would really like you to do that like i think it would be really hot or you know like phrase it and twist it as positively as you can just to kind of like head off any arguments i think that's probably essential yeah absolutely but you got to talk about it you know you can't just be like well i tried moved his hand once and also if it's important for you don't don't feel the need to stick around in the relationship because like again like your sexuality and your

pleasure is hugely important and if it's an issue now it's only going to grow in terms of being an issue. You know what I mean? It's not going to be better in five weeks. It's going to be worse. And then a year, it's going to be even worse. And like, that'll build, that'll slowly but surely poison the relationship anyway. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'm sure if you told him he wasn't going to get head anymore, he'd be out.

So that's the other thing I want to talk about is don't use like have the conversation and if he's like no i'm not going to do it because i don't want to don't play the game of being like well then i'm not going to blow you anymore make make the choice of being like okay cool you're we're not sexually compatible then if you're not willing to you know at least sort of make compromises or figure out a way in order to reciprocate the attention i've been giving you if that's not something you want to do then this isn't a sexual relationship that i want to be a part of so i'm out have a great day take care it's been fun but this isn't something that i want to pursue to do that is way better than being like,

then I'm not going to blow you. Cause the only thing that's going to happen after this is you're going to get half-heartedly fingered or, you know, pensively eaten out or like, it's not going to be an enjoyable experience. Most likely it's going to be someone going through the motion so that he can get his blow job treat at the end. And that's like,

you're also going to hate to do them as well. It's just going to poison everything. it's such a like gross way to operate in a sexual experience like everyone needs to be on the same page everyone should be you know actively trying to enhance your partner's pleasure in any way that you can or any way that you're comfortable and if that's not something that you and your partner want to do then adding in these like games of oh i'm not you know i'm not going to do this unless you do that unless that is specifically a game that you guys have agreed to play which is fine but if you're into merchant play that's cool but otherwise like that transactional kind of like yeah sexual bartering yeah not not gonna be great nope so yeah don't don't play those games and the worst thing is like it feels

like you should almost because when you think about it you're like i do this but you don't do that so if i didn't do that like you'd know where i came from but like it's that's not helpful you could say that if you want you could just be like it would be like if i didn't do this thing but like in practice it's just a one-way trip towards bitterness and weirdness so unfortunately it's one of those things you just gotta like if it's that important to you which it presumably is if he's not willing to meet you where you need to be met then that's's the end of that relationship. That's okay. We have a guy who wants to go down you all the time. We just convinced him that's okay to do. So we'll send you his number. Yeah. This is, I'm not going to read the name or the title. I've been with my girlfriend for five years and we've been living together for three.

I pay rent. It's her house. Yesterday I discovered something strange. We wanted to replace the floor. It's scraped and uneven with new hardwood flooring, and immediately my girlfriend was acting strange about it. She wanted me out of the house, insisted she'd call someone, even though I know a good contractor that could help us. It's on the far side of the house, in a neglected room, so I never really had reason to go in there. My girlfriend had a carpet over everything and kept it clean anyway. She told me we'd have someone come tomorrow and went out for a few hours to help her brother with his car. Me, wanting to help, cleared everything out of the room for the floor person. I removed the carpet, and lo and behold, I see grooves in the floor along with a fold-out handle.

At this point, I freaked out, as I knew nothing about this room and wondered if my girlfriend even knew about it. I pulled up the latch and looked in to see a ladder. It didn't look old, but it went down at least 10 feet. On the back of the door was a note written in my girlfriend's handwriting about the last time she checked it about three years ago. So I know for sure she knew about it, but why didn't she tell me? Why was she so secretive about it? I really want to go down there, but I don't know if I should. She's going to be gone for a couple more hours.

So I feel like now is the time. Well, what the fuck did the note say? Yeah, that's the best part, because it's like, you know, when you are leaving like a bathroom at a restaurant and it's like last cleaned by dave yeah like was it that is she is it her job like is there a kfc underneath you and like three years ago yeah like what like that i need to know what that note said of it was it just like cassandra was here 2020 2019 like is that like is that what it said like what what note was it and how did you like why was it dated what did it say yeah is there any answer to this uh i'm trying to find out now but like how could you not tell us that so upsetting also what kind of question is should i like you will be eaten alive for the rest of

your life wondering what was down in that fucking room if i don't think i would be excited to go down into my girlfriend's secret floor room but i would definitely go in there or at least shine a light in there you know what i mean and like take a look Yeah. I would have the heebie jeebies for sure. But my heebies would be GBN, but I would go down myself for sure. And then I would, you know, creep down all sneaky after telling people, of course,

where I'm going and what's going on. Like, I'd be like, yo Dane, this is what's happening. You'd probably come with me. Oh, if you,

if you told me that I would be in an Uber. If I, like, if I was free, I would be over there immediately. If I was free, I would be over there immediately. So I think step one, tell us what the fuck this thing said. Step two, you got to check. Because again, what if this is a whole other apartment?

Then you should not, like, you know, wait, they're not moving. They're redoing the floor. Never mind. I take it back. If this is an extra room, you need to know about it too. This could be like an underground D&D pub. It'd be incredible. This could be a games room.

It could be a gym. This is real estate you deserve to have a part in. This could be a prison. Maybe there's a person down there. For real, if their girlfriend is some kind of crazy creep who keeps people down there you need to go liberate them yeah or or realize what you're into and run if if they you know if i was like oh hey i figured out your rooms your your weird floor secret and they were like yeah i'm gonna be right back i'm gonna be back in a bit i'd be like okay cool this is she's going to get supplies to put me down in the room

for three years yeah and write a helpful letter the note I mean like the fact that you didn't tell us what the note is is so frustrating now people are saying that there's an episode of Malcolm in the Middle where Lois finds an extra bath

or how Lois finds an extra bathroom in their house and they don't tell the kids. Well, if she just has her own private bathroom is what they ask in the comments. And I throw that question to you, Dane. Well, so here's the thing. If they had a rug on the whole room and he emptied the room out, like, how would you get in there? It's true. You'd have to pull the rug out from.

And like at that point, if this guy hasn't noticed by now that like every now and then the girlfriend goes into a room they never use and just, just like, if, if that's what's happening, maybe you deserve to be locked in a fucking, you know, weird cellar room.

Yeah. Every time she's like, I'm just gonna hop in the shower but then you go to the bathroom and like she's not there yeah but like she comes back and she smells great she's got that wet hair you're like whoa how did you do that um yeah okay let's say that is the because that's got to be like the least weird even though it doesn't make any sense that's got to be the most positive option for this. And I'm going to say, even if that is the case, it's pretty fucked up because Malcolm in the Middle is a show that is a comedy and everything is an extreme.

And, you know, the kids are so awful that they need to keep this bathroom from them and blah, blah, blah. It's like if your girlfriend doesn't think you could be trusted with an extra bathroom, then she's shit and she doesn't like you that much. So even if it's on the best part of this, it's still pretty bad. There's so many things that don't line up. Like is a contractor actually going to come? Because at that point, there's no hiding this room, right? Like if someone's coming in to fix, they're going to be like, okay, well well you do have a room underneath this like would you just be yeah they're gonna need to also presumably put in another trap door right yeah i mean like i don't know if they were just expecting like did

they make the contractor appointment when you were supposed to be out at work and hoping they could just be like hey seal that bitch up just cover it up i needed it gone there was a time in my life three years ago handedly noted by this scrawling message i put on the door just in case anyone ever found it brb sarah 2019 yeah like i there's so many questions i have about this and none of them will be answered and it's so frustrating now what if she is like a doomer you know i mean like and it's her like survival survival whatever they're called well what happened what happened three years ago covet started no that was two years ago well maybe they meant three years ago yeah maybe it's 2019 when we got those rumblings from wuhan yeah exactly well gotta go down gotta

stock it up oh maybe it was like when everyone started taking toilet paper. She was like, no, not on my watch. I mean, it could be like, hey, I last stocked this three years ago. Maybe she is a doomsday prepper, and that's what it is. Maybe this was like an inventory check of being like, okay, I went down here, I checked the list, I made sure all of my stuff is still good, everything's great. I don't know why she wouldn't have gone in there during the past couple years but you know yeah maybe they have to note when they were in there for like you know

i don't know what degrades because presumably you would put things that don't but like i don't know well you could go in and check like batteries and generate you know what i mean like all that stuff that you need. So like maybe this, this could, I think you might've solved it. Maybe this was like a maintenance check on her sort of like little doomsday bunker that she wasn't, she doesn't, you know, like if the, if you're just her boyfriend, the last thing she wants is for, you know, if something does go buck wild, you being like, hey, I know Cassandra has a bunker under her place. Yeah. And then you bring your new girlfriend. Yeah.

We're coming over. And then you've got another hilarious sitcom in which you now have to live in a bunker with your new girlfriend and your crazy ex. I'd watch it. Not a bad idea for a show. I will keep an eye on this in case there's updates because people are freaking out and they want to know more i mean it's like anytime anytime someone posts on like reddit or like you know instagram or something of just being like i found a hatch like most of the things i follow on tiktok now is it's like dnd memes uh like puppies and like cute animal videos and then people uncovering trapdoors that is like my algorithm on tiktok right now and it's

wow i'm away from the i'm away from the the very young looking women jiggling and dancing and stuff i'm out of that i'm into weird trapdoor tiktok they're like oh you this wasn't what you wanted how about this oh you're you're not creepy this way but are you creepy in this way oh you're not creepy you're creepy i think it's time yeah we should probably do some tinders at the end of every episode we like to peruse online dating platforms such as tinder bumble and hinge and look through online dating profiles to see what works, what doesn't work. Code them for red flags in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. This is Hananzil.

I don't know how to tell you about myself. If writhing about myself is incomplete, you can ask me whatever you want to know. I consider myself faithful friends because I always have experienced joyful and sad moments of my friends. I like with the clear conviction that life has given us to study, to comprehend, to travel, to constantly develop ourselves, and most importantly, to benefit the world and people to make the spaces around us happier. And I am looking for who brings the soup for me.

Aw. It's a bit disjointed. I assume English is not the first language situation in this one who brings the soup for me is a very cute thing like it's powerful it's right it's not a profile that really speaks to me until that line and i think i would right swipe i don't think there's i'd like it again not a great profile but who brings the soup for me is it's just so powerfully adorable it's the question of our time that i'm gonna give this an eight who does bring the soup who brings the fucking soup the people yeah i'm gonna it's honestly it's all about that line i've forgotten everything else because that line is

just so beautiful yeah 100 i couldn't tell you a single thing outside of like friends developing or something there you go wow i ate I'm going to give it an 11. This is Rushda. So their only profile picture is a tweet, a screenshot of a tweet that says, imagine meeting a woman. And then like a woman emoji. Then boom, a business partner and a wife, hard eyes, smiling. That's her profile picture. Wonderful.

Her profile is- I'm already swiping right, because wow. Can you imagine? Want a serious relationship. I mean, friendship. I love adventure, currently obsessed with hiking, and I'd also love skydiving one day, though gives me goosebumps thinking about it.

Love eating a lot, love cooking. Burgers are my weakness. My dream is becoming a successful YouTuber. I love fashion and beauty. My all. My dream is becoming a successful YouTuber. I love fashion and beauty. My all-time dream is becoming an actress. There's some conflicting messages there. I don't know how you'd be a business partner if you want to be an actress or a YouTuber. And friendship and marriage, they should be both on the cards.

It does seem like she corrects herself. Yeah. Want a serious relationship i mean friendship that sounds like are they being coy like lol yeah i don't know there's no ellipses or anything to imply that i'm confused that's not good that's not good look for a profile no not crazy about it give it a four because it's on the bland side of bad. Yeah, I'm putting it like a three because it's not really, like, you're not really saying, like, we get a little bit of information, but none of it really seems to be cohesive and kind of personality-less. Yeah, no, like, hey, I love a good burger, but, like, being like burgers like burgers are my weakness is like that's the most bland thing you could say.

Yeah, this is Jessica. Hey there. Since online thing is a hot tamale right now, I thought I would join and see if I meet my Prince Charming lol. I'm not on here for hookups or one night stands, and hopefully I've made myself clear in that regards. I would like to meet someone I can get along with and feel that connection with and see where things would go if you are interested swipe right and i look forward in talking to you okay i mean it's kind of a cute profile in terms of like they seem like they've never done this before you know like it seems a very new to them and i can i can sympathize with that um the over pecking of the like no hookups is a bit strange like again i don't think it's i don't love when people write no hookups because it's so like if you don't want

to sleep with someone don't sleep with them it's just that simple it's problem solved so you don't really need to broadcast that and then like the doubling down on it being like i really hope you understand that that's not what i'm here for so okay cool but other than that like it's not a great profile. I don't really know a whole lot about them. I'm going to give it a six. Yeah. I can give it a five.

Cause it was just like, I want to meet someone and get along with and feel that connection with and see where things will go. It's like somebody gave you the bland phrase book and you're just going page by page. It just sounds like the first thing someone would say on a dating show. I guess. you know what i mean like it just sounds like the safest thing to say about why you're on the bachelor i'm just

looking for a friend and make a real connection here and it's like yeah everyone is no one's here to be like hope it's all fake and bullshit can't wait to meet a catfish let's go um we need to do like a love is blind watch through by the the way, for the podcast or something, because that last season is. I haven't seen any of it. This is Chloe. If you were a bullet, I would shoot myself to have you in me. Powerful. Like I this can go.

This could either be a two or an eight for me depending on like how ironic they're being like if they think this is like a really sexy thing it's a two if they realize this is an absurd crazy thing to say it's an eight you know what i mean i yeah i'm assuming they think it's absurd and crazy but like i'm also leaning towards that i hope that. That's my deep, maybe my optimistic nature is saying that this is meant to be a joke. Yeah, I like it. Eight. Funny. Yeah.

This is Janice. Angel face. Devil heart. Looking for something intense. Knife emoji. Fuck, marry, kill vibes. Which one, though? Which one?

I don't like it.'ve got you said knife and kill in the same dating profile angel face devil heart looking for something intense knife emoji terrifying fuck marry kill vibes yeah yeah no i'm gonna give this this is this is a red flag for me so i'm gonna give it a one i think it honestly is because like what like what are fuck marry kill vibes unless you mean she's going to fuck you marry you and kill you if you have a knife and use the word kill in the same profile i'm not interested yeah i'm gonna give it a five because i'm wow i'm intrigued not in a good way, necessarily, but I have questions. Okay, I will say. This is almost like the equivalent of me finding a secret door.

It's probably bad news, but I kind of want to have a look in, you know? Okay. I'm confused by your rating scale, because you did just give the one that had, like, no real red flags five, and this one is a hard red flag. Yeah, but the one with no real red flags was super fucking boring. Whereas this one, hey, it's getting the people going. Okay. Okay. Okay.

The scale is how likely I would be to swipe. Sure. So I would swipe... Hey, you're right. This is probably a six. I would swipe less on the planned one. Christ. Okay.

I'm out. So it is your show. That's planned one. Christ. Okay. I'm out. So it is your show. That's my show. Yes, finally. Okay. I guess this will do the last one. Sure. This is Ingrid.

It's a picture of someone wiping the kitchen floor with the text, no woman gets an orgasm cleaning the kitchen floor over it. And it says, I don't want your money. Let's just fuck. Yes, I'll make you sandwich and Uber you back home. But don't immediately assume I'd jump at you because, girl, you swiped right, unless you're hot and jacked.

A man with respect and great humor screams a big dick that I want in my face. Not a feminist, not a sapiosexual. It's bullshit. But good combos intrigue me. Make yourself fuckable physically and or cerebrally. For he that desireth a pussy must also deserveth the pussy.

John, 230. Ugh. I was on board at the start when it was just like they seemed to just want to fuck, you know what I mean? That's fine. That's what some people use dating apps for, and that's great. Good for you. Have fun.

But then like in the whole, like not a feminist, the whole, it, it got real gross real quick. And then just like slid down a slide of sludge into a pool of more sludge. Yeah. It's not great.

So I'm going to give this a two. Yeah. I think I'm about there with you. And last one. Okay, this is the last one. Ready? Yeah. Emily, she, her.

Live fast, pet dogs. Sunflower emoji, rainbow emoji. Men are trash, but I'm into recycling. Oh, man, that's tough. That's, hmm. I don't love men as trash. But that punchline is very funny. I'm going to give this a seven.

Yeah, I'm going to give it a nine because I'm pretty sure they're playing off the men are trash. You know what I mean? I don't think they believe it as much as they're using it for the pun. No, for sure. Also, live fast fast pet dogs great fantastic that's going to do us friends thank you very much for hanging out with us spending an hour of your time

your precious valuable time it means the world to us we hope that we have given you some entertainment and escape from the day to day grind whether we're with you on your commute or, you know, chilling in bed with you. I don't know where we are or what you're doing,

but we are so, so very happy that you have allowed us to spend some time with you. So thank you. Yeah, we love it. We've been getting a little influx on Twitter and in general with our listens lately. So if that's because you told some people or recommend the show thank you so much if you're one of the new people who's joined thank you so much um if you're

on our patreon thank you very very fucking much we really appreciate that uh you guys got lucky again and had two episodes in one day i wonder how many times it's gonna happen this year i don't know it's a lot of work for me so i really hope not much yeah yeah you guys are slowly killing dane but um speaking of slowly killing me um we also have another show if you haven't checked it out it's called no quest for the wicked it's a actual play podcast where we're playing a game called starfinder which is sort of like a space opera dnd kind of situation. It's a mix of improv and narrative storytelling and cooperative storytelling where I'm running the show and the boys, Niall included, and two of our good friends,

Terry and Ryan, are playing the game with us. It's been a lot of fun. And we just did a weekly episode for all of February. So there's a fair chunk of content for you to go enjoy. So please check it out. Head on over to no quest cast.com. If you would like to support this show, the one you're currently listening to consider heading over to our patron at Patreon F buddies podcast.com and click the Patreon link.

It'll take you right over there and you can sign up. And if you have a question you'd like to get on the show, F buddy podcast.com, click the contact form and shoot us a message and we'll get it on the show, fbuddypodcast.com. Click the contact form and shoot us a message and we'll get it on the show as soon as possible. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars. You have some bad sex writing for us? Oh, you know it.

Oh, dear. Is this a different Bill Cosby or is this actual Bill Cosby? Oh, no, it is actual Bill Cosby. He wrote a book called Fatherhood. Are we surprised that it's bad? Well, at 11, a girl stands in the window a lot and stares out into space. She's

waiting for her breasts to come. The strange look on her face moves you to ask, are you alright? Well, sort of, I guess, she says. They didn't come today. When the child is 12, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock damn

got him i bet you are a wonderful fucking father i mean you do know that bill murray is a rapist right sorry do you want to sorry yes i do but we all know that okay i was just like you just seem so shocked that i i feel so bad that i just disparaged bill murray yeah i know that was wild no i was just shocked that it was actually them i was like it's like i didn't know they wrote some fucking shit oh i mentioned they have a ton of books he was all over the place yeah but like i don't know i think it's a novel i don't know either way what a creep fuck that guy and also a terrible writer so there we go also bill murray i'm sorry i'm sure you're lovely i hope you're lovely we all want to love you bill murray so you know sorry again i again i don't know he could be problematic i feel like everyone's problematic i'm sorry i

don't know i'm spiraling my name is dave miller and i'm now sp And we've been your fuck buddies.