F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 185 - Jack Nasty Face

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Hey baby, I'd love to slam my twiddlehonker into your butterfly contraption apparatus.  Topics include ye olde genitalia guessing game, the m'lady curse, vaginal uniqueness, how to squander the best chance you have at the most dramatic moment in your life, dating while short and a completely uncooperative partner.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them. Is it weird that we start every show, like every episode? At least in the beginning we were very bad at introducing the show. But we do start with a cum joke every episode. Do we? Yeah. That's the sticky part. It's that sticky cum.

I guess. It's that G is. I figured it was maybe sweat. No. I mean, in my mind, every time I say it, I'm thinking of just a big old sticky load. That's fair. Well, speaking of sticky loads i do have a game for us oh you know i thought i thought channeled that that pillow talk energy

which is our patreon exclusive podcast and i thought bring a little game and i'm gonna read you archaic names for genitals and you're gonna tell me whether they're referred to penis balls or vagina uh and roughly what time period they're from. Okay. We'll start with a kicky wicky. A kicky wicky. I think that's a dick. Okay.

And I'm going to say that is like the 1700s. Ooh, it is a dick, but it is the 1600s. Ah, fuck. I knew it was like a long time ago because they said wild shit back then. Pretty good, though. Not bad. Okay. How about a whim-wham?

Hmm. I'm going to say that's a vagina. Okay. And I'm going to say that is from like the early 1800s. It is also a penis and also the 1600s damn how about a two-leaved gaze wow okay i feel like that one see i'm gonna overthink this but i i think that's a vagina because okay yeah you're right you're right labia yeah okay um that i mean i feel like that's real poetic and shit so i want to go like way earlier, I'm going to go with the 1700s again.

It's 1500s. Late 1500s. I was right. I should have gone earlier. I know. I heard you say it. I smiled, but you couldn't tell. How about a rough Malkin?

By the way, can we also use these now instead of like penis vagina? They're out. Yeah, they're out. I'm done with them. Dick balls. No, I was like a rough Malkin. A rough Malkin. I'm also, I'm going to say vagina again.

Interesting. Because here's why I'm thinking. Cause like Merkin is like a pubic wig, rough Malkin. I don't know. I'm okay. That's like, that's where I'm. And I know dudes can wear merkins as well but traditionally they were used merkin merkin is a pubic wig so in like in uh in like films and stuff when you would have like a a naked woman you would put a pubic wig over their the genitalia so you could have you could have the simulated sense of having

uh a naked person without full-fledged obscurity okay interesting and give me time period i'm gonna go 1800s 1500s but you're right it's a vagina i thought for sure you would have gone for penis on that one no okay how about nuggins this has got to be this has got to be balls yeah you got it uh the matrimonial peacemaker matrimonial peacemaker now see i feel like this is another vagina okay time period i'm gonna say hmm see i feel like i feel like this is something that someone would have said early on but it wasn't actually called this until much later on so you know i'm

gonna say 700 17 i'm gonna get it right eventually so you think it's a giant in 1700s yeah it's a penis in the 1700s you're at the time period though it's a bold name for a penis though yeah see my at a time where men did not historically care about women's pleasure but okay see i thought like the peacemaker was like, oh, your husband's upset, so just give him some sex. Yeah, that's how I would have figured it. Yeah. How about an old salda crackers?

Huh. Now, I'm going to go with balls again. Damn it. How do you do this? Fuck. There's no time period on that one. I will just briefly go through the other two ball ones I have, which I'm going to tell you right now. The time period is 2022 because Salted Crackers is the new name for my balls.

Whirly Gigs and Terry Wags are the other ball names. Okay. That's balls out of the way. So now it's just penis vagina, right? Okay. Contrapunctum. Hold on. Give me all right? Okay. Contrapunctum. Hold on. Give me that one more time.

Contrapunctum. Could you use it in a sentence, please? Nice contrapunctum. Can I get the origin of the word, please? Could you spell it, please? C-O-N-T-R-A-P-U-N-C-T-U-M. I'm going to go vagina. Okay.

And I'm going to vagina and I'm gonna go I'm gonna go 1600s oh nailed it absolutely nailed it how about Mrs. Phub's parlor I mean that's yeah that's definitely a vagina and I'm gonna say

that is, no, parlor. It could be. I feel like that's something that like an 1800s, like New Orleans, you know what I mean? Like a debutante kind of, I'm going to say 1800s. Damn. How are you so good at this? Nailed it. It's definitely not a penis, which was kind of obvious of obvious but 1823 dude uh how about the nether mouth

if that's not a vagina i'm gonna be really upset it is a vagina and i don't have a date for it the silent flute okay that's a penis all right the. The kidney wiper. I mean, also a penis. The shove devil. Okay, I'm going to assume this is also a penis, yes. Rump splitter. Okay, well, now we're just getting a little too on the nose. Arbor vitae. Ooh, I don't know.

Are these all penises? I don't know what that, like, I don't know. I assume that's a word in another language That I'm not familiar with I gotta go vagina I believe it's Latin for tree of life And it is in fact a penis Well yes okay if I knew that I would have said Tree of anything

1732 The mark of the beast I feel like that I'm gonna go vagina because we Had some pretty fucked up views of women's sexuality. How about the mouth that cannot bite? I mean, obviously before the time Kegels were existed. Exactly.

Uh, and lastly, cause I think we all know what an aphrodisiacal tennis court is, right? We all know Cupid's warehouse. A warehouse is such a terrible that's got to be like the industrial revolution probably i don't have a date on that one but like a warehouse is not a good a good place like it's dusty it's stuffed it's very business oriented you know what i mean like a warehouse is a terrible word you know not that nethermouth is good but yeah like mrs fubbs parlor that that could be nice you know what i mean i feel like you might get a cup of tea maybe a nice cocktail candle lit it's probably comfy cozy i'm not mad at mrs fubbs parlor like we hate them these would be terrible for us but like cucumber sandwiches like

very like yeah yeah you know like someone's gonna to come around on a platter and offer you things. Maybe like a salmon sandwich, lox. I don't mind that, but Cupid's Warehouse gets me. I don't like it. So finally, because yogurt spitting sausage is too obvious. Was that like the 1950s? I don't have a date on that one. And Master John Goodfellow, I assume.

Yeah, it's a penis. So we have Jack Nastyface. Damn, this could be a fucked up way of being like, oh, vaginas are ugly because they're all flippy flappy. Or it could be a penis because the dick and the balls together could be face-esque. Jack nasty face. I feel like this is a penis because I don't think they would have attributed a man's name to a woman's body. It was a vagina.

Fuck. Damn it. Well, there you go. You're weirdly good at this game. That's what I'm here for. Well, you're allowed to use any and all of these. Honestly, my brain has completely erased them from... Don't worry, I'll pull them up every now and then.

Are you ready for a question? Yeah, yeah, let's do it. This is by Electro522. how does someone who enjoys wearing a fedora not come off as the typical fedora wearer hey i'll admit it i own one i like how it looks on me things are starting to thin out up top so i wear it on special occasions when i want to feel good about myself thing is i picked it up without realizing the stigma around it and didn't learn about it until well after I bought it. Once I finally did learn, I realized I could definitely see you like your typical m'lady creep. So how do I avoid it? Or is it unavoidable? I've seen plenty of extreme examples that are obvious things of what not to do, but what are the more subtle things?

Things that one would only pick up on? Or should I just go with the nuclear option? Because this hat's image has been damaged so badly. Now this might be hard to believe as someone who's had as much sex as I have. But I wore a fedora almost all through high school. Oh, man. Yeah. I know. But you also didn't have sex in high school.

It's true. I didn't. But I was still quite popular with the ladies. And I was also not all that cool in high school, perhaps as a result of the fedora. I'm not sure. The thing is fedoras didn't have that reputation back then though. So are you telling me you crafted it?

Did you say the lady a lot? Was I the godfather of the fedora cringe? I hope not. This would be such a like wonderful, like development tale if you were, and then this is how you ended up with an award-nominated, highly acclaimed sex and dating advice podcast. back into greener pastures um yeah it's the thing is look i don't i think there's a time and a place for for a fedora and to be fair i think never and nowhere i i think you know i don't want to be that guy again but the hat most people refer to is actually a trilby trilbies are the you're sounding more like a typical fedora wearer i know know. Milady, I just wanted to quest to your nevermouth.

Milady, would you, per chance, grant me access to Mrs. Fub's parlor this evening? Oh, there's one I forgot because I had it on a different page. And I'm just going to read it out because it's great. And this is what set me off on the quest. What's a tippity-witchet? Tippity-witchet? That's a dick for sure. It was a vagina.

Fuck. I've lost it. I got too confident. Somebody named one of the first Venus fly traps that they found a tippity witch or something. And it was for vagina because they were like, your vaginas eat meat. Yeah. Terrible. And we've come a long way.

Also, did you know cunt was one of the first words was like uh 12 20 and it's just stuck around i mean that kind of makes sense i mean like that word is also derived as like a a word of power like it is i don't remember what uh what uh culture it is but like the and i'm not gonna say anything because like i don't know but like there is yeah but there is a a tribe of people i believe it's an indigenous people of somewhere and uh it's like kunta or something like that and that was the they were like revered female elders um and like i think that is kind of where the word comes from, where it was a strong, powerful female word that ended up being perverted by stupid white men, most likely. Okay, back to this fedora.

Okay. As I get older and realize that the things that make us happy, the list of things that make us happy dwindle by the day. That's madly depressing. I think if you put on a fedora and you feel fucking great, I say wear the fedora. As long as you're not, like, if you're going out to a party and your intention is to, like, you know, not be the guy in the fedora, then don't wear it.

But if you're going for a walk and you put that bad boy on you're like fuck yeah wear the fedora own it i like i i i don't i like i'm kind of done with the with the whole sort of like if it makes you happy over the past two years we haven't been able to leave the house and we've all probably felt like little couch gremlins so if putting on a fedora when you leave the house for the first time in two years makes you feel like a badass, put the fedora on and feel like a badass. Yeah. The thing is, it's like any kind of dip in positive feelings when someone looks at you and sees a fedora is probably going to be countered by your upswing in positive feelings by how good you feel wearing it. Right. So like that kind of like confidence boost is going to be good for you. Now, how do you offset people's kind of, uh,

negative feelings towards fedoras? I think you need to make sure that whatever else you're doing doesn't also match that stereotype, right? Yeah. Make sure if you have facial hair, it is, you know, trimmed and styled and not just at the neck yes exactly like the old neck beard thing it's like boom that's one easy thing to get out of the way i just wear no vests yeah are you wearing a poorly fitted black t-shirt with anime on the front get a good fitting t-shirt with anime on the front because i feel i don't say females don't exclusively refer to you know women as females i think those things will go a long way towards uh making sure that you don't seem shitty yeah like like I said I think like you also have like an innate conversation starter you know I don't

know what it is even to this day like women are obsessed with hats in the sense of like taking them and wearing them like i don't know why this ever became a thing but from the time i always wore hats i'm a hat guy and from the the dawn of my like you know being able to remember and have memories and form coherent thoughts people have been taking my hat women have been taking my hat so and it's like a stranger a more easily accessible hoodie i can't just snatch a hoodie off someone because if they could they would yeah you know i like i i think you will as long as you are like a cool person who's not being creepy and like whatever i think if you have a social interaction i think there's

a good chance the fedora might actually help break the ice sometimes 100 i do think you should be ready for fedora jokes like if someone's like oh you know neckbeard over here or like fedora or whatever or if they say something about it like be willing and like able to admit that there is the stigma around it and like yeah by you realizing that and being able to respond positively to that you're gonna like completely dismiss any apprehension someone's gonna have if you get defensive or weird about it or like ignore it then that's probably not gonna go well but it's like you seem to know let people be like yeah come on and also i guess just make sure the rest of your outfit like goes with it because i don't know to me it's like not every piece of clothing is gonna go with what to me

seems almost like a formal hat you know what I mean yes I think if you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt it's time to find a new hat but I think like if you're wearing you know a nice pair of jeans good shoes and a button down maybe a blazer or something you could wear a fedora I think that like you said

but I think like like you said like I think if you're wearing cargo shorts and you know fucking sandals and a like a baggy t-shirt or a tank top, now's not the time for a fedora. It's not fedora time. Yeah, like imagine you're at the beach in your swimwear and you've just got a fedora on. You know, like sometimes it doesn't. Now you're taking it back. I've covered a route.

I think we'll get down to the beach. Jack Nastyface is twitching, looking at you. Yeah. If you've got like a wicker fedora. Oh yeah. That's, that's a beach fedora right there. That's different.

But yeah, I just think like, be aware of the rest of your outfit, be aware of the stigma and like roll with it. And honestly, it could probably, as Dan said, be a good conversation starter.

And if you're worried about it, like just be the guy with the hats, buy a bunch of suit, buy like one of those like paper boy hats like the flat caps buy a fucking bucket hat wear a get a visor and wear it upside down no no no one no one wears bucket hats i'm drawing the line there this is i i just like bring it back just be like i'm the i'm the bad hat guy that's what that billy eilish song is about bad hat guy do do do do do do do do do yeah have you watched ultimatum yet team no you keep talking to me about ultimatum no it's it's it's a powerful reality tv show on netflix right now uh it basically everything we've said about

marrying too early it just backs up constantly every second of every episode it's like hey fuck buddies was right it's always right but there's a guy in it who wears a cowboy hat and like you'd be forgiven for thinking it looks stupid in certain situations but everyone fucking loves it so there you go get a cowboy hat be colby hey that one time i fucking i mean granted we are at a country bar but i did steal someone's like i think it was pretty tacky like it wasn't a real cowboy i think it was a canadian flag red velvet or something yeah and like i'm almost positive it had like a canadian flag on it like it was like a novelty cowboy hat people fucking loved it yeah people people can also the

reason i had that hat was because the woman who was originally wearing it took my hat. So, again, like women and hats, man, I don't know what it is. If you can enlighten it to me, if you could, if you're a woman out there or female presenting and you want to illuminate this mysterious hat obsession, I would love to know because it is it has plagued me for ages. Even when we were in chicago remember that woman took my hat yeah that's fair i had a hat at a music festival because it was just so goddamn sunny and i needed to like not keep getting heat stroke and someone took my hat i'm like god damn it so i had to go buy a cowboy hat and guard it jealously man we should wear cowboy hats tonight let's do it fuck i had like, I have a pink cowboy hat with rhinestones on that lights up. I think it's in Ireland.

Yeah, I don't have a cowboy hat. I have a lot of hats. No cowboy hat. All right, we need to keep it going. People are starting to not care. Although all the women love it because of the hat. Okay, go. This isn't so much an advice question, but it's something I thought was interesting.

This is from LM1900s. Do vaginas feel different from each other? I asked my boyfriend. He says all vaginas feel the same. I feel a little disheartened, I guess. I guess it just makes me a little disappointed that sex is the same for him as it is with his exes. So, man, do all vaginas feel the same? No.

What? To your dick? See, I fingered vaginas and they felt different i've had sex with people and they've like felt different but the thing is like this person's concerned about sex with her feeling the same as everybody else and if you think the only differential is how your vagina feels then yeah maybe it won't feel great. But like, there are so many other things to sex than how your vagina feels on his dick that like, that's where you should be focused. I would, and this might be a crazy thing to say. I would say that the actual like penetrative part of sex is the thing I paid the least amount of attention to. Does that make sense?

Yes and no. Like obviously I'm aware of it. It's not happening. It's not, obviously i'm aware of it it's not happening it's not you know but like while it's happening everything else like compounds it you know maybe someone's like kissing you on the neck or like saying something dirty or like you know they're all these things make it better or if it if it was just a vagina and i'm just like casually pumping into it and like nothing good is happening then obviously yeah it's going to be just a way less good experience yeah like if i had like if there was a woman on the bed and then there was a sheet

separating it and all i had was like my penis inside the vagina and having sex with them that would obviously not be great for a number of reasons but like it wouldn't excite me you know what i mean i i think i would drive like an almost an infinite amount of, or less pleasure than like even something as simple as like being able to actually touch them. Like being able to get your hands on someone, watching boobs bounce the faces that someone makes while they're, you know,

having sex with you, the noises they make. Like there's so much more to a sexual experience than being like, damn, that's a tight pussy. Because I've been with, you know, people whose vaginas aren't, you know, the tightest. Has the sex been incredible? Absolutely.

Because like the penetrative part of sex, at least for me again is so like it's it's on like the hierarchy of of needs it's kind of like the base of the pyramid it's there it's supporting everything else but like if there's no enthusiasm if i like you know what i mean like if if all the other things don't stack up you've just got like a flat piece don't call it pyramid you may as well have a wank earlier you know what i mean it's like if it's so far removed from all the other shit you may as well just jerk off yeah you know in a way so like yes do they feel different yes do they feel drastically different to a point where it's going to affect anything not really i think you were saying it earlier it's like to our penises no yes but and that's 100 like if you're using protection and shit

it's like you've got a condom in there that's gonna separate you from like the intricacies and it's like again you're not there for like every little thing it's it's you know it's a thing and that's it but like everything else is what makes sex good so it's like just because your vagina feels similarly to someone else's that doesn't fucking matter and the fact that you think that's the be-all and end-all is worrying me and i so i don't think like i think this is kind of a trap question for this poor guy you know yeah him being like i mean he could have very easily been like nah baby your pussy's incredible it's mind-blowing um and like yeah that's a safe answer it's not necessarily a lie or a truth. It's just kind of like, you know, what she probably wanted to hear.

Uh, but in reality, if we want to talk about, you know, we're all about, you know, being honest and sex positive and discussing the realities of sex. Yeah.

Uh, to a lot of people, uh, with, with protected penises, a lot of vaginas are going to feel very similar. Are there going to be ones that feel different? Of course.

But at the end of the day, I don't think I would be able to dip a dick in and be able to tell from person to person to person. No, not at all. I'm like, again, one,

obviously your boyfriend doesn't, you know, he's not complaining about your vagina because obviously your Jack nasty face is more than good enough for him because he's still sticking around right he's not thinking that someone else is tippity wicked yeah i mean like yes i i don't i wouldn't try to also like conflate the two of being like well if my pussy feels like her then he might he's practically having sex with her or i'm not i'm just as good as her or i'm not better than her and it's like that's don't go down that path because that's a path that's only going to

lead to you know unnecessary fights and insecurities and it just it's so he's he's with you he's he has apparently according to the question like no complaints with the sex so like if the sex is good the sex is good don't worry about also the best thing is it's like you can't change how your vagina feels right so like this would suck if he was like yeah they feel different and you know theirs was great and yours you know it does it does what it does this is a good answer this is great you don't that's a one thing you don't have to be self-conscious about right you have to don't have to be like, damn, how does my vagina feel? You're good. You don't have to worry about that. What you do have to worry about is the things that you can change, such as enthusiasm and confidence and care for your partner and doing the things they want and

multitasking and kissing him in the places that arouse him and dirty talk and all these other things that are very easy to explore and work on, as opposed to a thing you'd never be able to change. You're good. You don't have to worry about how your vagina feels in 99% of the time, I'm sure. I don't want to talk in absolutes, but you're good. This is a good answer. And you don't have to worry about anybody else. But the important shit is all the stuff that you do.

And that's easy to alter. So worry about that yeah 100 how spicy do you i i want it spicy as hell i want it so spicy i need to stop and go get a glass of water okay i want it so spicy that i'll drink a glass of milk my lactose intolerant ass will drink a glass of milk because it's so spicy spicy enough but we'll see this is throw a why the hell my best friend told me he's in love with me two days before my wedding. As the title says, I've been with my fiance for three years, engaged for over a year. Best friend and I have known each other since freshman year of college, all in our early 30s.

This morning, I wake up to a long ass text from him that had been sent at 6am. Basically, he poured his heart out. Says he's in love with me for years, but always hoped I'd end up breaking up with my fiance and finally noticing him. He asked me to call off the wedding and run away with him. It's sad. I needed to tell you before it was too late. I feel gross and sad. I have no feelings for him beyond platonic love. I've drafted a response and deleted it over and over. I haven't told my fiancé. I don't want him to worry about me so soon to our wedding.

I know I need to, but I don't know what to do or how to phrase it. What's worse is he's become my fiancé's friend too. I'm also pretty pissed my friend chose an unfortunate time to cause me such distress. There were many times over the years he could have just bucked up and told me how he felt, but waiting till right before I married, like I'd cancel it and leave my fiance because of a goddamn text? I want to tell him not to come to the wedding. I can't trust he wouldn't try to pull something. I don't even know if I want to talk to him again, but the thought of losing my best friend is heartbreaking. Hell, the thought of not having him at my wedding sucks. He's put me in an uncomfortable,

impossible situation. Wish it wasn't on me to deal with his feelings, but I wish he had either stopped being friends with me when he realized us ending together would never happen, or told me a while ago. I don't want to kick him while he's down, but I need to make it clear I have no feelings. The wedding is on, and I don't want him to attend. We've been friends for over a decade. I've been crying all day. I feel almost disgusted knowing this whole time he had ulterior motives. How do I go about dealing with this? I'm getting married in under 48 hours. This is so frustrating

because this dude had the opportunity to stand up when the priest says, does anyone have any reason why this shouldn't happen? This man could have stood up and had his fucking moment in the sun. Thank you. Like like the poor priest

now is gonna say that for no reason yeah he's gonna say it everyone's gonna be like no we love these two we can't wait for you to have a lifetime of happiness together and this motherfucker sends a text at six at six a.m yeah everyone who goes to a wedding always is waiting for someone to jump up at the right time and yell this. Every single person, every wedding, all the time. It doesn't matter if they love the bride and the groom. It doesn't matter if they're like the groom's mom wants it. The groom's dad wants it.

The bride's mom wants it. The bride and groom probably want it. You know what I mean? They want to have that wedding. You know what I mean? The priest is like, this is the moment. I'm finally going to be like. They go back to their priest's hangout, and there's a fucking scoreboard on the wall and poor fucking jeffington he has never even scored

once and they all mock him every day this was his moment you fucked it up it's so it's so frustrating but yeah i i definitely like because as someone who's like if i was in a wedding party or if i was a bridegroom or like i i related to them, I would probably be a little chuffed. But as someone who's just kind of like there because I'm the friend or like a good friend or whatever, because no matter how it works out, it's like it's drama. It's drama, baby. And I'm there for it. Like either this dude stands up or woman, someone, someone stands up and is like, I love you, Claire. It's, you know, I've always, Claire. I've always loved you.

It's always been you. And then it could go one of two ways. They could be like, no, this isn't going to work. And this man's life is ruined. Or they're like, I love you too. Sorry, Steve. I'm fucking out. Either way, wonderful drama.

The boring ass ceremony is now exciting. Either way, it's a story i'm gonna tell at every wedding i go to after that and probably any chance i get to be like hey you know that scene in the movies where someone stands up and says hey don't get married i love you i was there when that happened for realsies so fuck this guy that wrong and like if you're gonna send a text at least call like right before they're about to walk down the aisle no slip them a message like in a letter right before they go down the aisle like replace their vows with your vow of love and then when they start like have her fiance read out your love letter to her but have it so specific that like initially she's like oh my god this is so cute and as he gets more and more confused she's like wait a minute this was

steve huh okay for real times uh this sucks and don't be this guy this sucks a lot and and like you need to again could you even consider this person a best friend because how much like i can't like i consider you my best friend and imagine if all the time i spent was just being like man i really hope you break up with your partner for whatever reason that would be pretty fucked especially because like it would just color every single interaction and like every every time you ever asked for advice of being like oh you know you know greg did this today and he's like hey you should break over there exactly maybe you should end your relationship with him please because i can't believe you did that that's also just like that nice person now

wasn't a nice person it was someone kind of trying to get in your pants you know what i mean especially because like i think even if a stranger is doing nice things for you but like wants to get in your pants it's like not that like sinister because they're a stranger and it's, like, you get it, right? If someone you don't really know is being nice to you, it's, like, I kind of get it. Whereas, like, this person is fainting. Yeah, their role in your life is, like, it doesn't exist. They're just sort of, like, oh, this person is trying to sleep with me. That's fine.

Yeah, yeah. Or, like, trying to get to know you better or whatever. But this person is pretending to be your friend while then doing all these things and it's like i don't know also he had 10 fucking years they've only been together for three right so it's like i don't know man this just sucks it's like if you're with someone long enough if you're friends with them for even i'd say a year get over it yeah you know what i mean get over it or move on like there's there's a fucking window of opportunity before you become this kind of pathetic person.

Just don't do that. Be, be genuine in your friendship or shoot your shot. Don't kind of like live this half life and then, you know, bring the hammer down on someone who trusts you. Yeah. And I think, I think you've nailed it right there. You have two choices in this situation, or I guess three choices. One, you shoot your shot and and you make your play after that you either choose to be like cool i i

don't know if i could be a genuine friend because i do have a lot of feelings for you and trying to pretend to be your best friend would be troubling for me and unfair to you okay fine that's good or you'd be like okay this isn't gonna go anywhere i'm gonna process that whether through my own means or through therapy or whatever and i am now your friend and this ship has sailed and i know that and i'm no longer like i will not keep a little secret pining for you i will not have a little shrine dedicated to you hoping that you break up it's like no like you can't live in this half-life of of secretly wishing that someone's life implodes so that you can have a chance at happiness because again like at the end like if you care about

someone like actually really care about them you shouldn't want them to go through something terrible so that you might have a shot at happiness a hundred percent and you if you were her friend you wouldn't have tried to fuck up her wedding even now that she's like not running away with you you've kind of fucked her up on this because now you're not coming there's all this drama with her like husband like they probably a hundred percent have like you know a seat set aside for you and have paid money for you know your meal and yes done all this shit maybe your date who knows it's pretty fucked right so it's like if you actually were a friend and you cared about them you wouldn't have done

this you know and it's funny that you think like oh it's this romantic i needed to tell you like you've watched too many fucking rom-coms i I think. But like you weren't a friend in this moment, which cast doubt on every time you've been a friend before. So I think for you, question asker, I think I don't think it's there's a bad thing to be like, hey, so what you did was really shitty and really sucks. I was really looking forward to you being a part of my wedding. And now I don't think it's appropriate. Yeah, it's it's you know ethical of me to have you there one because now i know how you feel it's it's only going to be painful for you and two it's not fair to me or my husband of of this person who's like you know sitting in

the audience hoping that this fails that's not the energy i want at my wedding when they say does anyone have a problem speak now or forever hold your peace it's like oh you stand up and was like we know fuck off like yeah i've already ruined the moment the likelihood of you of now that it's out in the open like you getting fucking trashed at the bar and doing a shitty speech or you know just doing something really fucked up like room yeah it's just like you guys aren't going to be able to interact in any way that's natural or good this soon to this coming out if you're at the wedding she either has to avoid you all day which is going to suck for both of you or she's going to have to come pretend things are

okay and have awkward small talk which is going to suck for both of you so it's like yeah so question asker this sucks you're totally fine to tell him to fuck off from the wedding and that you need time to think about it and you'll talk to him at some other point. I think a lot of this hinges on how he takes your rejection too because for all you know, he fucking implodes because he's obviously not the best at being straightforward and honest and kind.

Secondly, I do think you're going to have to tell your partner because they're going to be like, hey, why didn't you bring my friend flesh, your best friend? Like, there's no way that goes unnoticed, right? Also, I think it's fair for him that like that's not a he's not a friend of his if he tries to steal you the day of your wedding. Yeah. And like, also, this is a great test for the old marriage to be like, hey, remember my

best friend? So this is the text. And like, I don't think there's any harm in like showing the text and being like, this sucks and I'm really kind of bummed, but I'm not going to let it ruin our wedding. You know, it's... Yeah, 100%. Like if he handles it badly,

maybe you should second guess your wedding and maybe go marry your best friend. God. Yeah, what a fucking nightmare. Guys, have a little respect for your friends and the people that you supposedly care about please please that's just the irony it's like you obviously don't care about this person hey i'll tell you right now i bet this guy wears a fedora oh my god probably all

right let's get one one more quick boy in here this is more of of of a preventative piece. This is a quack-wap. Oh, wait, wait, wait. 1500s vagina. No, I do believe this is a dick. Being a short man in the dating market is a nightmare. Everywhere from social media, podcasts, women's magazines, romantic novels, dating apps.

I mean, everywhere. Women talk about how much they love tall men no matter what the height of the woman is. All over Tinder and Hinge and Bumble, I see women saying that they only attract men over six feet tall and don't message them if you're under six foot. It's like being tall is a requirement. And for what? I think the dumbest thing I've seen is a feminist try to say women want tall men because of the patriarchy.

It's like, no, they want tall men because they like feeling small and submissive with their partner. Most heterosexual women are sexually submissive, and tall men help them feel that way. Not like that. No. Hey, maybe your issue is your sweeping generalizations of women and not your height. And your complete

inability to comprehend what the patriarchy is. Because like, hey, this woman woman this feminist this evil feminist who was saying stupid shit was actually 100 correct and it was the patriarchy like the the patriarchal structure of society that has you know dictated what a man's man is it's 100 at fault here also both of us are under six foot, so there you go. And like, hey, I'll tell you, like, I understand. I've definitely been spurned for not being tall.

100%. I get it. I understand your frustration and the amount of profiles that we see, even just doing our Tinder thing of people being like, you have to be six feet or, you know, a height requirement or whatever. I get it. That can be disheartening. That can suck. Sorry, but but you know,

it's the kind of the fact of the matter. But as now said, I'm, I'm five, seven, five, eight on a real good day and good shoes. And I've had no problem in the dating world based on my height. So maybe it's the generalizations. Maybe you should look into that. I think, yeah. And that's, that's kind of of like it went from being like, hey, this sucks. I'm small and or I'm short or I'm not six foot or whatever height you are. And like, you know, I feel kind of gatekept or whatever. It's like that's a very fair thing. But to then devolve into your rant of being like women just want to be small and submissive.

It's like. Yeah. Like, dude. I don't I don't think the height might be the issue here it's like that other guy with the the females i don't remember what his problem was but all being like all right can i be too ugly it's like i mean you can be ugly but it doesn't necessarily have to yeah it doesn't have to be your looks so i don't know man you gotta take a deep breath and and realize that these things are, while superficial, not a be all and end all.

Also, maybe look into what the patriarchy is all about, because toxic masculinity is something that affects men very negatively. Okay, this is I'm trying to be better. I won't read the title. I, 25 year old female, seeing a guy, 30 year old male. And we decided to stop having sex today because I asked him to put in effort to make me finish. He said he wasn't comfortable with oral, him to me, me to him is fine, or using my vibrator on me. He said he's only comfortable with penis and vagina sex. I explained that only 8% of women can finish from penis and vagina alone. I said he could use his hands or tell me to use a toy,

but he said it was making sex too complicated and he'd rather not have sex if I was going to add steps for him. I'm not the best sex ever, I'm sure, but I will say I take criticism well, and I'm enthusiastic. I'm also a blonde, thin gym girl with DDs. I also do the majority of work during sex. He straight up doesn't get why it's a big deal for him to not want to make me finish. He puts in so little effort. I'm self-conscious to make noise or show pleasure. He told me outright to masturbate after sex. He leaves for this. I've suggested mutual masturbation.

He says it's weird and said people don't actually do that. Like he'll legit come, get off immediately, leave and shut the door for hours. He just wants me to handle myself silently. If I tell him I didn't finish after, he'll say, okay, I'm not hard to get off. He could absentmindedly use one finger for three minutes and I'd be good. I've offered to buy vibrators to do myself if he'll just make out with me or touch my chest. He says it's awkward. I don't fake it either. He's uncomfortable with me expressing any pleasure, so if I moan,

he'll stop. I try to be quiet, but I don't understand how it's enjoyable for him to know I'm not finishing. Ever. I'm sorry, is this her boyfriend? Uh, yes. See, if this was a hookup, I'd be like, fuck this dude. If it's your boyfriend, hookup, I'd be like, fuck this dude. If it's your boyfriend, if it's your actual partner,

super fuck this dude. Because like constantly being like, Hey, I need more. Here are some options. Here are some more options. Here's another option. Here is like the bare minimum and them not caring or,

or even making an effort to do anything about it is the sign that like this dude sucks and you shouldn't be with him like it's a whole fucking novel it's a movie it's a a fucking vision scape i don't know this guy sucks especially like not it's not even that he doesn't want like he's not into putting an effort he actually seems uncomfortable at the thought of you having fun. If I express any pleasure, he'll stop. What the fuck? Like, is she talking about sex there? Or is she talking about, like, fingering her after the fact?

Also... Which he doesn't do. He's like, no, I'm going to leave. That's a you thing now. Like, I almost want to be, like, hit him with the old, oh, actually, I don't do sex anymore. That's a you thing now like i almost want to be like hit him with the old oh actually i don't do i don't do sex anymore that's a you thing just hit him with the i don't want to see you and say because you won't make any effort to get me to finish and like even like the baseline most inept lover does better than this yeah like i'd rather have a dude who's not great in bed but tries

then yeah then this maybe someone who even sticks around after while i use a toy or any like just no this is the worst i think okay you know what to sum it up in the words of the first comment by wanky stanky usa they just say no. Just no. Yeah. This is the worst. It's, uh, this is, yeah, it's one of those things where it's like, if sex doesn't matter to you, if it means nothing to you, which I assume that is not the case because

you're making a post about it, this is like such a glaring sort of incompatibility that you need to address and not be okay with. This is something that you need to be like, hey, just so you know, maybe one final chance of being like, hey, this is very important to me. If you're not going to make an effort, then this ain't going to work. Or, I mean, it sounds like you've already done that. It seems like you've communicated thoroughly what you want

and how to get it. I think you'd just be like, Hey, look, you're not meeting my needs at all. Like you don't even try. So I'm going to pursue partners that will. Bye. Yeah. It's just, he's the worst and he does not deserve any of you. So kick him to the curb. Yep. Tinder time. It is Tinder time. At the end of the episode, we like to jump on online dating platforms, such as Tinder, Bumble and Hinge to peruse profiles, see what works, what doesn't work, comb them for red flags in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Are you ready for Fatima? Ooh, yeah. I want to meet new people. I love to take walks, sightseeing, reading, listening to music and movies. Let's talk about

our favorites. I want to get to know someone and talk about everything and anything. I'm easygoing and relaxed. Reach out and let's hang out. Last picture is how I've been spending most of my Friday nights lately. Someone helped me stop. Lol. And their last picture is them in bed looking kind of sad. You know, I don't hate it. I don't think there's anything there that really grabs me, but I don't see any red flags. I think it sounds like a fun person that i would i would certainly not say no

to so i'm gonna say that's a that's a seven yeah i agree it's it's bland but it's not bad i think specificity in terms of music and movies like even if they were just like my favorite music is this my favorite movie is this like that would add at least a point, if not two, to the profile. You know what I mean? Because so far it's very vague. It's the I like friends and Netflix of responses, right? I will say, what do you think about the sad picture in bed? I think it's a little downery. You know what I mean? Like a little of a like, I'm a little pathetic and needy.

I think it's it's almost a minus one. I could also see it going the other way of being like cute and funny yeah and like sad in bed maybe you can make me happy in bed yeah it's i'm on the fence about i'm not sure yeah which is why like i don't think it's enough for me to if if more of the profile was dedicated to like how miserable they are then yes maybe and if they were somewhere other like if they were somewhere other like if they were sitting well no actually that'd be fun i was gonna say if they were sitting on the couch like in big frumpy sweats covered in like takeout i'd be like that would also be

funny i think that'd actually be funnier fair um but yeah no i i don't i think a seven is is good cool uh this is elka garbage given the female form former psw slash chef now a linguist 5 9 and then 13 12 i don't know what that is that's when uh linguist as a term for vagina came out 13 12 uh garbage given female form kind of funny but i also don't like it yeah it's one of those things where i was like you need to that's that's a bold to say, but you need to stick a landing. There needs to be another joke in there so that I know that like, this isn't how you actually view yourself or this isn't like your personality of being like, I'm just a garbage. I'm just a garbage person. I need one more line.

There's nothing else that funny and like bold in tone that kind of matches that. So it's like, oh, do you just suck? Yeah. Like I like if you're going to say something like that, I think it could be very funny. And I'm all for self-deprecating humor. But you need another something in there either of the same sort of like very obviously a joke, but the same sort of like, you know, self-deprecation or something to bounce back and you know show that you aren't you don't actually believe you're garbage yeah so i'm gonna give this a i'm gonna give it a four yeah i was just about to say four damn uh this is nameless i'm a fan of

jordan peterson and the intellectual dark web oh they have a t-shirt with a Jordan Peterson quote on it. Oh no. Now this is someone who would love to wear a fedora. It is a girl. This is someone who would love to steal. It is a female. This is someone who would love to steal your fedora.

Yeah I'm just going to go and say one. Yeah I'm going to give it a one as well because Jordan Peterson, not great. This is Twix. And like Candy Crush, this is a stupid but perfectly designed game. I'm going to use this space to be entirely honest. 10 out of 10, I would have preferred meeting you in person. I'm celibate.

I'm looking for at least one person that is more interesting and attractive than my ex and my current tortured romantic interest. And I don't drive because I don't like it. So do not take it lightly. If I actually leave my house for you, I don't mean to be crass. Sorry. I don't even know when they were crass, but this is awful.

Like bitter mentioning your ex being like, if I leave my home, it's a big deal. I get it. Her current tortured romantic interest? What? Just, just no. Everything about this sucks. Zero.

Mm-hmm. Even just like, I would prefer to meet you in person. Yeah, we all would. Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed this uh friend but it's it's been increasingly more difficult to to get out and mingle with people the last two years some people but you have zero also zero okay you ready for this also nameless just swipe left i already know you don't match anyway because i'm deadly allergic to latex and can't take birth control because i have an iron deficiency and heart beating disorder and you'd have to have an update date up to date STD HIV test and sign an abortion agreement

because I don't want to be baby trapped by someone. I don't believe in love or forever. Just people waiting to leave at some point. Is this a man or a woman? Woman. I mean, they know that latex free condoms exist, right? Evidently, they don't. Like I'm also allergic to latex and that has not stopped me at all it's like it's come to

the point where like i often encourage people to use latex free condoms regardless of whatever like like allergy or not because like they're just better for the environment be be be uh ecologically friendly so you're giving this 10 uh yeah 100 love this one this is a great one this is everything that we we want in a profile no it's so bad it's so bad wildly wildly terrible also what's an abortion agreement is that thing i don't think so i assume that's like that they're allowed to have it like there's but like you you can do it like it's your body. I mean, like I know there, I know that I know that it's a very bold statement to say it's your body, but like, as,

as far as I know, like maybe there are places that require like both parties to be present and, and sign for, I'm not sure. I don't know. Either way. Awful. Um,

this is my last one. It's secret. They're 40 older woman looking for a discreet and ongoing pleasure with someone much younger. I will show photos after we match on a different platform. I'm not ugly or anything. Due to work purposes and not wanting other coworkers who are on this app to see me and know my business. That's why I didn't add my real photos. Strong bot energy.

Well, you know what? I have one more. And it's funny you mentioned that this person is just called bitcoin i'm already interested and that's all that they don't have a profile just bitcoin i that could be the best profile ever if it's a joke it's that's gonna be i don't know i get strong bot energy also it's like, it seems like a lot and another like, yeah, no, it's,

it's bad. You're going to get scammed. I just don't understand. Like, I don't know what you do for a living, but presumably you're working with like the same people or like the same age range. Maybe like, just put your filters down lower,

like your age range. You're like, you know, if you're looking for a younger man, do like 20 to 26 or whatever you're looking for. Yeah. And even then it's like, what's wrong with it's if they're on tinder unless you're married or you actually have something worse to hide you know what i mean like there's no no one's gonna be like wait i was on tinder but then she was too yeah i mean like that's that's the thing it's like if someone's gonna be like hey i saw you on tinder and it's a big taboo

at your office that someone's on tinder he's like yeah well how'd you see me yeah i don't know it seems like a lot of red flags for the possibility of someone who is attractive and not crazy and not a scam etc it's like fuck it's not worth it yeah seems like a lot of hoops to jump through to match with someone that like you could probably match with someone that you know exists all right last one this is ask love to laugh my passions are shopping and being gorgeous if you're not six five don't talk to me i never message first no facial hair not looking for a hookup music is life don't ask me on a date if you're poor i'm the broke bitch in this relationship if you can handle me at my worst good for you for setting healthy boundaries. No BJs without a ring, no sex, still Facebook

official. Ugh, it's bad. It's bad all over. It's bad from beginning to end. And the only thing I can think of is that this is so bad that it is a joke. Yeah, I wasn't sure, but like, you know, passions are shopping and being gorgeous. Kind of funny. Don't ask me on a date if you're poor. I'm the broke bitch in this relationship. Kind funny if you can't handle it worse good for you for setting healthy boundaries that's great that's the thing that's like that's positive and funny so like some hints of like self-awareness which makes me think that like like also six five is very tall yeah right like that is that's that's setting your your market very or your net very very very very small yeah like it's almost like they're parodying other people's height requirements

because it's so extreme no bjs without a ring it's like i could see someone do some weird shit like that but then no sex still facebook official is really funny i think i hope yeah there's and it almost makes a joke that like, you know, sex is fine, but blowjobs, nah. Now I will say, I would still say no to this person because we've seen enough profiles that are too similar to this that are real. Now I will say, and this might be the make or break for you,

there is one more thing at the end, and it is seven stars the letter l a space then the word floss followed by five stars like you know like stars in like they start out letters so it's something l floss stars i don't know what it means that someone looked it up and apparently got clown porn so So I don't know. I mean, it's just a mystery to me. I mean,

I'm still saying no to this person. I'm confused. I can't tell if it's bad or good. So I'm going to give it a four. I was going to say, I'm going to give it a four as well, because like there is the chance that, that this is a joke,

but it's still not good enough for me to say yes. So I'm saying no, get out of here. That is the end of our show. Thank you very much for hanging out with us for an hour we cannot express how much it means to us and we love that you are here and we hope that you come back um if you would like to reach out and ask a question or support the show head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com click the contact form fill it out we keep it completely anonymous and we'll answer as soon as we can or click on the patreon link and

head on over to patreon and support the show in any way that you can uh we are still doing a push that if we hit 25 patreons uh we will do a live show and it'll be fun so if that sounds like something you're into maybe pop on over and you don't have to do you can do the lowest amount three dollars a month less than a coffee a month you get a no you don't get a free episode you gotta do seven dollars for the for the extra episode but you get four free episodes why four a month you get basically one a week oh yes let's see what you say wink wink and we we would appreciate uh these citizens the people who are over there already supporting the show are are the reason that we were able to do another show. The reason why we're not losing money, uh,

hosting this anymore. It's, it's very nice. And if you, if you appreciate it and you like it and you've got a little extra, a pocket change and you want to help the boys out, uh, we would,

we would greatly appreciate it. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the harvest seeds for the song paper stars. And thank you everyone who is supporting us on Patreon and, you know, help make this possible. We love you guys. Remember some bad sex, Ernie?

I sure am. This is more sex in terms of gender than it is about sex, you know? And this is by A Winter Haunting by Dan Simmons. Of more interest to me now than Dale's imperfect memories of past lovemaking were the images

and recollections of his two daughters. Perhaps it is only with one's mother and girl children that a male human can really hold any hope of knowing and understanding women. Yep, that is pretty much the only way to do it. Yeah, if you don't have kids, who fucking knows? Yeah, women aren't real until you've had one. Yeah, then you're

like, damn, they're people! I should give a shit! These are people? Whoa! They came from somewhere and they feel things. And they grow and like our kids and stuff. Damn. I regret my life decisions. And here I was just thinking that they were walking Mrs. Fub's parlors.

My name is Tane Miller. And I'm now Spain. We've been your fuck buddies.