F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 187 - Wield the Perfect Penis

Episode Date: May 2, 2022

Imagine the absolute power you would if your penis was always... perfect.  Topics include not even knowing if you're in a hole or not, marital status as relating to creampies, catching the ick, coping with past traumas, triggers and partners that don't understand them, and as usual a WHOLE slew of Tinders to round us out.

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast that takes questions either we find, you know, in the wild, roaming around the internet, or from our lovely listeners. We answer them on the topics of sex and dating. You ready to get into this? Yeah, let's just fucking do it let's just get into it all right i'm gonna hit you with i guess the first one on my list huh sure this is revolutionary cap 967 guy didn't know where things were is his lack of experience not caring laziness or what seeing a guy and things eventually progressed to physical he's shy introverted, not sure if that has anything to do with it. But when the moment came, no pun intended, in the bedroom,

I was put off by the fact that he didn't know where things were. For reference, he is 34, male. He has had past partners, girlfriends, etc. when he was in long-term relationships with. So I'm very confused on how that worked out. He was rubbing an area absolutely nowhere near target site, rubbing corner where my leg connects to groin. He then asked if he was fingering the right hole. Sorry for being graphic. When I asked what he liked, he said, I don't know. Things didn't progress, but I was left very, very, very confused. I didn't want to pry,

but I wonder what his sex life was like during the relationships. Can't imagine dating someone for over a year and not knowing what area you're touching, especially as a male above his 30s. I'm not trying to berate him, I just haven't come across this before and didn't know what to say or do other than you're way off and correct his hand placement, which when he'd go back was still off target. I don't want to make him self-conscious, but it was a bit of a turnoff. I can't tell if it's a lack of experience, him being selfish slash lazy. I did manage to get him off, not through sex, in like three to four minutes. Or what? Thoughts?

I mean, I don't know if it's being lazy because he was still doing something specific. Like he was still rubbing. If he was lazy, I imagine that the interaction would have just been like him trying to get a blowjob and then sex and then roll over and call it quits for him to like be participating in foreplay, albeit very bad, poor foreplay. I don't know. So I don't think it's easy. I think this is like, I don't know if it was like a sexless relationship or if it was very, you know, just sort of like, oh, it is sex time. Now we put sex together and we don't worry about any of the other stuff like i don't really know yeah like exactly what you said we've seen enough examples of men being lazy and

it's not that they do the thing but in a different place it's just that they don't do the thing they'll just be like oh i'm i'm a guy so like you know they'll dj call it it up and be like i've got money i don't need to touch a vagina uh unless this is the tactic of like when your partner asks you to make the bed and you don't want a bad job that they never ask you again exactly so you just like you just tank it so it never at no point in time will she ever be like oh let's do foreplay because it's like no i don't need my knees fingered yeah that's like one play yeah i don't need my knees fingered. Yeah, that's like one play. Yeah, I don't, I can't imagine it is.

And there's a simple way to figure it out, right? If it is laziness or not caring or life experience, you need to sit down and talk with him. And also, hey, let's point out the fact that he might've been lying about his previous relationships. Maybe he's a virgin who's ashamed of it because he's 34. So yeah, like maybe it was like a sexless relationship maybe it was long distance maybe it was like he was saving himself for marriage or she was saving herself for marriage or maybe they were asexual and the guy well you know a million things could

have happened so we haven't talked about it in a while communication we never talk about that it's great i think it's finally time to bring it back into the podcast yeah it's it's one of those things where unfortunately like if you like this person there might be a lot of work ahead of you there might be a lot of you like a lot of patience is going to be needed here to be like just like has he never watched porn like i i don't understand the question for me of am i fingering the right hole while not touching a hole is confusing to me well i wonder like you know what that was such a bizarre thing to read that i just like auto corrected it in my head to like later on when he did find the hole but like i guess they never specified yeah i mean even you know the way there's like that little kind of like, not like a pocket, but like a little indent between your leg and your groin.

You know what I mean? Maybe he thinks that's the hole. And on that note, maybe we shouldn't fix anything until he tries to stick it in. Because if he just puts his dick in that divot, I need to hear about it. They said they didn't have sex, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. i like i don't know i think you do need to sit down and be like hey so we need to discuss you know our sexual experience because you are having a lot of questions and if you need a guiding hand i'm happy to do that if you are willing to do that and kind of run him through

but like i don't think that it's your job at 34 to teach people basic human anatomy yeah and for like i just don't and i know that like sexual education has failed a lot of us and i know that it's continuing to do so and with the way that you know education in at least north america where people are reverting their sexual curriculums yeah um i i know that like maybe it'll get worse but i still think there needs to be some sort of onus on a person to be like if you don't know how sex works if you are completely baffled by it there are so many readily available resources to go to and at least start putting pieces of the puzzle together. Yeah. Now I was going to suggest not bringing up his sexual experience or lack thereof, because I feel like that could upset somebody or make them go defensive

or like make them feel more insecure and just focusing on, Hey, imagine a world where that was exactly what his partner did like, you know what I mean? And you just come from a position of like, I'm not criticizing what you're doing. I'm telling you what I like. So when you're having like these interactions, you know, if he starts to like,

just be like, Hey, you know, honestly, that doesn't really do it for me. Like if you put your hand here and just like slowly building up in a positive way. And I think the conversation about sex and experience will probably happen. But like in this way, you're not making the focus like them being bad.

It's them learning you. Like, I just I think I'm just so curious. I just need to know how this went so wrong so fast. The thing is, I think that one could be great as well because like if you get down to it like if he's been lying about his previous early ships or knows that he's inexperienced and is positive and able to like you know take that criticism or like not not necessarily criticism but like take that on board this could be a super positive situation where she admits that she's caught on to him he goes yes here's this thing and they work together

but like i think we know where most people's egos are at with regards to like sex and insecurity. I think it's probably likely it gets volatile. Yeah. But I think either route is good. Maybe in the moment, don't talk about inexperience and out of the moment do. Whereas like if someone's trying to get down and dirty with you and you're like, wow, you really suck. That's not great. But if you're like you're like hey i like this then you're not talking about them you're making about you which i think is positive do think that like you are 100 within your right

if you don't want to have to teach someone the ins and outs of sex like i think i think if you're a grown adult and you know they don't know where a vagina is then i think there's something fundamentally wrong and i think that that is a kind of an exhausting thing to go through of being like you must know that it's not on the side of my leg because presumably i would have two right there'd be one on either side of me and like you know that's not right right like i don't know it's just a snowball effect of being like i can't understand like i don't know where you've been living that you aren't sure where a vagina is located i also think like as a partner it's fair for you to want honesty from someone as well. So it's like, you know, if you're going to engage in sex with someone that's like,

they've been lying about their past with regards to it. Like that's not wonderful either on you. So yeah, I mean like, I also think like a valid answer to this question is ending it with them and being like, Hey, you have a lot of work to do you have a lot of questions that like you don't like a lot of basic anatomy stuff that you don't know how it works and that is something that you're going to have to kind of figure out and i'm not really willing to be your anatomically correct model that you can poke and prod and try to figure out how this all works unfortunately um. Because you are also a human being with sexual desires and needs. And you know what I mean?

Like you're not that plastic model that you can pull apart in the hospital or the sex clinic or whatever to sort of like really figure out the inner workings. It's like, you're not that. You're a person um so i i think there is you know it is a valid answer to be like hey sorry you got a lot of work to do and maybe you sort of like be like don't turn to porn because that's not going to be the thing but like but hey maybe turn to it a little bit because you have no idea just a basic of like where things go yeah um maybe find some of the like the feminist centric porn that is, you know, consent focused and not about, you know, objectification and, you know, using women as sexual objects and is a little more sensual and and, you know, a cohesive sexual experience. But like, again, just like there are so many resources available that you aren't required to

be this 34 year old man's like teacher, biology teacher. And that's the thing. I think a lot of how this question shakes out, like we've given you a few kind of things. It all really depends on what you feel and what they feel, right? Because you might not be arsed, right? You might just be like, okay, not any effort, whatever. Like if it was good, it was good. But like with this additional shit, it's not worth

it. Or you might think this person is absolutely fucking wonderful. And the thought of spending a little bit more time and effort and attention and, you know, helping them along this journey is something you're willing to do. That's great. It then also matters whether this person is able to learn and admit their shortcomings in a positive way or whether they're just going to be an insecure little piece of shit. I think those all matter. And I think we've given you kind of like the building blocks to pick a route. And I think they're all valid.

But it really just nails down to what you want to do and what they want to do. And I will say, we're, you know, sex dating this podcast, we believe in an education. And, you know, I'm not saying that this person is so far gone, or that if you're listening, and you're 34, and you're not super aware of things, I'm not saying that you are a lost cause, or, but I'm just saying that you are a lost cause or but i'm just saying that you have to take responsibility and and have a little bit of you know the onus is on you at this point to sort it out and not on your partner to teach you so i think in general honestly it's like yeah if they want to great but like your sexual development you know and that's hey it's part of the reason why we do this podcast that people have a resource to to hopefully grow and build from but it's like the point

dane's making is it's not someone else's responsibility especially with something as like fumbling as like is this the right hole like yeah what i like i like chances are you don't have your hand or your finger up a urethra and i i would really hope you could tell the difference between a vagina and an anus you know so it's like that kind of question is shocking to me because i don't know what like what could you possibly be getting confused here yeah like i like i just don't know so i i think like I said, if you are someone who you think are too old to not know these things, that's fine. Don't get insecure. Don't freak out.

There's plenty of resources. Look up literally an anatomical model or, you know what I mean? Like, look up how does sex work? I'm sure you could find plenty of things that will show you where the clitoris is, where the vaginal opening is. And, you know what I mean? Like, I'm sure you can find pretty cohesive guides on how to finger and fingering techniques. Weren't Pornhub actually doing like sexual education videos

back when like they were under fire in America? I'm almost positive they have several resources. I would have to go and look. So I can't guarantee right now, but I'll take a look for our next episode i guess um but they also used to have like a sex position trainer where they would like they had like videos and then they also had like a really fun thing where it was like almost like a like a roulette of being like how long do you want to spend in a position and then it would like you would put it up on the screen and you like every two minutes it would show you a like a transitionable position to go to from where you are.

And it was meant to be like a fun like game you could play with your sexual partners. But yes, I think there were also like I think it was like porn stars and like just sexual educators who are being like here are the things like here are fingering techniques. Here are oral techniques. Here is sort of like the things that you should be looking for. Here are things that you could be doing. Here are safe they like a whole bdsm course as well but like you don't have to turn to born like i like i promise you like tickle dot life a partner that we've been working with for years i'm sure i can almost guarantee you has not if not one but many articles on fingering etiquette, fingering techniques, how to do it safely, how to do it cleanly, how to do it, you know, respectfully, like all those things. And

it's like, it's your job now. You're an adult, take some responsibility, go out and teach yourself, like seek out things and not just sit there and be like, you know, posting on Reddit or whatever, and being like, Oh, look, I'm a 34 year old and no one wants, will let me like just poke and prod around down in their, you know, lady bits so I can figure it out. How am I supposed to learn? It's like, there's ways. No, a hundred percent.

So if you feel like you are not at the top of your game in terms of like knowledge or experience, that's fine. That is absolutely fine. You can do so much by yourself without anybody ever knowing you can look up stuff to read you can look up stuff to watch there's every resource imaginable you just need to put in the effort if someone wants to help you great it's never there the onus shouldn't be on them do what you can by yourself and you will reap dividends like this person would presumably have been very happy if this guy was even slightly capable you know because even now it's not like fuck this guy i'm never coming back it's i'm confused

right yeah so put in the work yeah and like i also don't want to what we're saying here to discourage people from checking with their partner to make sure that what they're doing is enjoyable or you know letting letting your partner know what is and isn't working. Like all those things are great and key parts of having a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. So if you see that your partner isn't really reacting to something you're doing, there's no harm in being like, does that feel good? Do you want me to go harder or softer, deeper, faster, slower? Like there's no problem with checking in with your partner like that. But if the question is, is this right? Like, am I in the right spot? Like, is this the hole I should be in?

I think there's, you need to, you know, get a little bit more foundation in terms of information to. I honestly think that like this person and like, hey, the good thing is that they do care. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like that energy. Great.

This means that this person, if they put the steps in, I'm sure will be a wonderful part. But yeah, that is definitely a way off target. Much like his hand. Yeah. All right. Hit me. This is I don't have the user. This is from someone.

He insists on finishing inside me. My boyfriend, 33 year old male, prefers to ejaculate inside me. 20 is from someone. He insists on finishing inside me. My boyfriend, 33-year-old male, prefers to ejaculate inside me, 20-year-old female. I told him I don't prefer this because I plan to stop birth control and it throws my pH balance off for days. For me, it's very intimate, something I prefer to do when married, especially

since he is not ready to start a family. He argued that he prefers to finish inside me because it allows us to connect and feels better for him, and that I should stay on birth control of the patch. So I told him I would like for him to provide for me financially and as a woman, that's a way that a man can connect with me. He paused and said it's something that's reserved for his wife. Please make it make sense. Why am I expected to give him full access to my body when he can withhold his finances for his wife?

Have we done this question before? I don't think so. I think we've done this exact question before. Maybe I did did this one it's been on my list for a while i feel like i brought it though maybe but you know what hey fuck it let's do it let's do it again yeah the fans know this we'll get like a you know uh maybe completely different advice as well and you know what older and wiser now you're his sperm slave and he's your money slave we've done it next question yeah yeah it's a one-to-one ratio and let me tell you he ejaculates quite a bit if he's you know the average person so that's like a

that's a lot of money you're getting per ejaculate yeah like cent Like cent per sperm? Oh, I'm thinking dollar per sperm. Nah, man. That's a lot. Bankrupt this man. In one, in one cummage? Yeah. Look, he's being a dick. Let's start with that. The fact that he wants you to stay on birth control, a thing you want to come off of just

so he can feel a little better when he comes, that's shit. That's not the thing a good partner does. Your body, your choice. If you want to do a thing, you should do it. Your partner should be supportive of that. Especially, you know, like there's a different, I don't know, like there are varying degrees, but like birth control is not a fun thing to take for a lot of people and can have a bunch of different side effects.

The pH balance thing alone, like these are all very valid reasons to not have this happen. And it's just, this person sucks for wanting to take your freedom away just to feel a little better of a cum you know like the thing is i can't you're already coming right so coming inside someone like if that's the feeling that makes it feel better you could do that with a condom on yeah if you just want to be inside of them while you ejaculate that's something you do with a condom and presumably they're not using it or using condoms if yeah and i understand condoms reduce sensitivity a little bit but like but he's coming yeah right so like the the the

sensitivity thing doesn't really matter anymore because the man is like if if one thing if like oh i can't finish like if it was a condom thing, then like, you know, we can discuss why that's bullshit anyway. But like if he's just like, oh, when I come, which presumably you would be able to do wearing a condom. I don't like short of being like, oh, the second I start coming, she runs across the room and I have to kind of like just come with no more sensation being provided. Like, OK, but that's not what's happening yeah i i understand like again i'm i don't want to support anything he's saying because it makes me sound like i'm anyway on his side it's like you have slightly you have more sensitivity when you're not wearing a condom and like while you're coming it is the best part right that's like the

whole ruined orgasm thing where like you'll jack someone off to just about or like when they start coming and then leave it you know like while you're coming that is a very important time so it's like if you continue to come doing what you were doing with no condom on it's going to feel that little bit better than if you were doing it with a condom on to the same degree that having sex with no condom feels better than having one with a condom does Does it matter? No. Does it matter to the point where you should be dictating what somebody takes like in a medical sense? No, not at all. And on top of this, it worries me that this person seems to think if they go off birth control and he continues to hit it raw, but just pulls out that things are going to be fine. That's also not okay. If you're not of a family, you need to practice safe sex and the pullout method

is not safe sex well let's talk about it just in general of being like if you're not ready to start a family don't ejaculate inside someone at all regardless of what they're relying on birth control which at least is you know a form of safe sex but yes you're not being as safe as you can but if you go off birth control the the pull off method is far worse. So especially if you still want to come inside them. Oh, well, that yeah, that's absolute insanity. That is off the table. I'm not even considering that one.

But it sounds to me like the woman in this question, if went off birth control, would be OK with that being the it just kind of sounds like she's like oh i want that to happen but he's insisting i stay on it and it's like no that also isn't a good thing yeah no the the but like okay we can both acknowledge that this guy's in the wrong for sure yes of being like um but her and then like i don't know if this is something she truly believes or if this was just sort of her trying to prove a point of being like well then you have to pay for everything if that's what like you know if that's what like men and women do then okay great you can come inside me but you have to pay for everything just to get him being like well actually no i'm reserving that for a wife if i don't know if this is something she actually believes or if this is something that she she was just trying to like prove a point with

i i imagine it was trying to prove a point. It just seems really weird to me. To equate monetary support with ejaculating inside somebody and to have one be a man thing and one be a woman thing. The whole thing is toxic and shitty. To be like, oh, I reserved that for my wife or my husband. I hate the whole thing. Be better to each other.

Don't try to control someone's body, especially not just so you can feel a little bit better when you jizz. Like, fuck that. Do have safe sex, especially if you're not ready for a fucking family. That blows my mind of being like, hey, I don't want to have kids at all, but I am going to repeatedly ejaculate inside you. And exclusively, this is how I'm going to finish.

It's like birth control is great but if you're not ready to have a kid you should not be ejaculating inside anyone regardless of what i mean condoms aside but like you know if you're not using a condom you shouldn't be ejaculating in anyone if yeah like if a condom breaks it's pretty easy to tell but like birth control can be affected by so many things like diarrhea and like charcoal tablets and certain medications and you know there's there's a lot that goes into it even aside from the fact that's not 100 effective because nothing really is yeah whereas at least like if a condom breaks you know to go get plan b but it's hard to tell if that

dodgy thing you ate earlier made it so ineffective that this one will slip past the goalie i think we can agree this guy doesn't have any right to tell you whether you can go on or off birth control if you do choose to go off it then you also get to decide what kind of contraception you would like to use in order to continue having sex if he doesn't respect that then it's time to move on it is that simple this is is by Maker of Poor Decision. Got the ick. How do I proceed? Sorry about my formatting.

It's my first post on my mobile. Secondly, feel free to judge me because I know I deserve it, lol. I recently broke up with my partner of two years and pretty much immediately clicked with a coworker of mine. We became friends first and then our relationship became flirtatious.

Long story short, we moved way fast, way quick. He wants me to meet his family, which isn't a big deal. I really like the guy. Problem is, and I'm a shit person for it, I got the ick tonight. We were having sex, not the first time, and I guess now he's tapping into his more dominant side, because I think he tried to be intense, but overdid it, as when I looked up at him, he was staring down at me, like boring into my soul, with the most psychopathic face I've

ever seen, and I can't ever look at him the same. I guess my questions are, am I a douche for wanting to end it would be acceptable to just tell him i'm not ready to date yet it's not long since me and my partner separated he knows that any advice criticism etc is welcome i've never heard the phrase the ick it's a new thing i guess that like epidemic is it like the like oh no i don't really like this person like the realization yeah it's what happens when like one thing generally something very minor or small just kills a person for you like attractive was i mean i get it i understand that those exist i'm worried that it'll become a catch-all excuse for everything but we'll see how it pans out it's funny because like all the ones i've haired seem to be like really bizarre i saw him you know squeeze a ketchup packet onto the plate and like

a little bit got in his finger and he licked it off and i was i got the ick i can never see him again it's like okay that's like you know it never seems to be like oh he abused our wait staff while we went to a restaurant i got the right it's like, no, that's, that's good. That's fine. You know, this one, however, I kind of get if like,

if the man makes a demented face while he's having sex with you, I 100% understand you not being able to vibe with that person anymore. It would be the same way as like, if I was sleeping with someone, they were kind of like, you know, holding it together pretty well. And then one night they were just like, oh, I'm a screamer, actually.

And I'm just going to start screaming in the like really obnoxious nonstop. The only thing I think about is the noise complaint I'm going to get. Now, would you really be like this happened once? I'm not talking to you about it. I can never see you the same way. Goodbye. Hey, it depends on the face. I, man, I wish we could just like mind link sometimes with some people we get questions

off. And a lot of the times I'm sure that would be awful, but like, even just to get like a snapshot and be like, cause again, you're right. It depends on the face. If we had the face right here, I'm thinking like, have you ever seen that? It's the meme of the guy who kind of looks like young Shia LaBeouf and he's like holding his breath or something. Oh, yeah. With the like vein in his forehead.

Like if it was that, like if that's the if that's the fucking face he's making with like, you know, bloodshot crazy eyes and veins bulging and like he's all red and like. See, then I'd be like, are you OK? Is something happening this one time i wouldn't just assume ah damn it he's finally letting his true color shine and like this is the thing he wants to do like dominant side he just stares at you like that's i don't know i don't know it seems like a little no now my not my worry but my you know i have an inkling and i'm wondering if they are not ready for where it's at and they're looking for something to take them out of it because they go on a little bit of a

tangent talking about how you went way too quick and now you're seeing the family and they're just out of a relationship. And it's like, none of those things really have to do with this question unless you're hinting almost yourself maybe that that plays into it yeah i think no matter what the like real answer is or like what's actually happening that's the answer of being like you are as now said you moved into something too fast and now you're actively looking hunting for the ick or you have found the ick and if you need a way to sort of like get out of here without causing too much trouble, you could just say, oh, hey, look, I didn't really take time to process my breakup. So I as much as I like you, I feel like I've rushed into things with you a little too much.

And I need to take a step back, take some time to to process my breakup, to figure out, you know, how I'm feeling, how how I want to move forward and then you know if if things work out i would love to pick this back up but at this point in time i do need to take a break and take a step back from all this because you know i i need i need a second to process and that i think is a a very diplomatic understandable way to end this without hurting his feelings without being like hey your weird sex face makes me uncomfortable now we did already uh like you know prove that that was a false excuse remember so she's basically saying he sucks it's true yeah dating you're saying you're not ready today just means they're not ready to date you yeah because you're terrible uh no i think it's

like what dane says you have the perfect excuse're terrible. No, I think it's like what Dane says. You have the perfect excuse, locked and loaded. And honestly, I think it's probably the way forward anyway, because like you have moved pretty quickly. You're like showing all the trademarks of a rebound. And it's like, hey, maybe the time will make you realize that the ick wasn't there and things are moving too fast. And you do want to pursue this person or it'll give you the time to clarify why you felt the ick so strongly which is probably because you got right back into it or maybe you'll end up missing that very intense face and no one else will do it for you yeah so i think you have uh you have like now said you have the perfect excuse to get out of

here um i would also say it's like now said the the rebound thing is a very strong thing so like take some time to to process anyway that's that's a very healthy suggestion regardless of what this is even if you do want to take like a quick break from them and do want to get back to them if you don't want to get back to them that's also fine but make sure that one if you are going to pursue other relationships whether they're sexual or whatnot that you are going to pursue other relationships, whether they're sexual or whatnot, that you are ready to, you know, it getting into these like really intense relationships and then just being like uh nope at the first sign of you know a couple veins on someone's forehead during sex and again you don't really need to mention their face when you when you break up with them but depending on the face they did make yeah if it's i don't know man i feel like

if it's a real crazy face that's kind of something something you don't want to trigger that crazy face outside of sex. Yeah. Do you think it was like Morbius' face? I fucking hope so. Actually, no. Obviously, that would be too erotic and not weird. Yeah, no. If it was Morbius' face, then obviously this would not be a question.

The question would be, we're going pretty fast. How do I go faster? Question is, my partner's Morbius face makes me come too hard. Okay, let me- It's your go, I believe. It is my go. You think we'd remember being here twice. My 23-year-old male girlfriend, 26-year-old female,

accuses me of still years ago having feelings for my passed away ex. I used to have a really good friend back in middle school and we started dating in high school. She unfortunately suffered from depression and despite my best efforts to help her, she ultimately intentionally overdosed on pills and killed herself. I blamed myself for a long time and will never really get over her death, but therapy did help

me think clearly. A year ago, I met my current girlfriend who I thought was sweet and lovely. However, I worry our relationship could be over after last night. We were watching a horror movie last night called countdown however near the end where the lead sacrificed herself to beat the demon by overdosing herself with a drug i couldn't take anymore the scene reminded me too much of how my previous girlfriend died and insisted she turn it off as i was sobbing hysterically she kept telling me it was just a movie and that the lead survived she read the plot online apparently she then telling me it was just a movie and that the lead survived. She read the plot online. Apparently she then accused me of still having feelings for my ex and to get

over when I tried to remind her that that was how my ex died and couldn't handle scenes like that. She insisted I'm doomed unless I can recognize she's in the past and that she doesn't want to talk to me. How do I convince her that I still love her? Oh man, that's not, I think where this question should be going,

right? Um, that's a horrible I think, where this question should be going. Right? That's a horrible thing. Look, I can understand people being jealous, right? Jealous is not a rational emotion. Being jealous of the dead is a weird one, but we see it more than once on this podcast and in general. Is it also rational? Not at all. This person, though, took those feelings and decided to abuse you while you were like suffering through something pretty horrible. And that's not okay for a partner or anybody,

really. I don't think the question should be how can you show your girlfriend that you love her? It should be how do I break up with my girlfriend and move on to someone who's better? Or how do I explain to my partner that what they did is wrong and hopefully they will get better and we'll move on from there because when you're going through something that traumatic having gone through something just impossibly traumatic the last thing you need is somebody getting jealous and upset and abusing you while you're in that episode like that's fucked yeah the onus isn't on you to make this situation right you have done nothing wrong you had a traumatic experience when you were young you're 23 and you were dating them in high school so presumably this happened probably when you were still a teenager

yeah and you're still young you know yeah so like you had a a traumatic event when you were young and you understandably have a trigger and it is a very specific and very like it's not like oh anytime you see medication you freak out you watch someone essentially reenact the way that someone you cared deeply about died and if someone can't understand why that would be upsetting for you, and that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with leftover feelings, but rather reliving a traumatic experience, then I don't think that that person can really, like really cares about you. Like it is a, I would would imagine a very very easy empathetic exercise to look at someone who's literally just essentially re-watched a dramatic reenactment

of the death of someone important to them and be like i understand but at no point in time does it seem like that your partner did that it seems like they were just like immediately went to i'm thinking about me now this is this is bad for me you do have emotions about this person you do have emotions about this situation so it's like aside from the fact there's a traumatic event it's like you're allowed to have emotions and feelings and all these unresolved things for this person it's not like when somebody dies you're just like oh that's it it's all gone well i was gonna say when you mentioned that like oh jealousy isn't you know a rational emotion and how we've seen it with people it's like i feel like

jealousy jealous jealousy of like people who have died like i understand that more than jealousy of people who are living because when someone died like you had no control over that right like it's not like you guys had a big fight or broke up and you know should hate each other it's like you loved her and then she died it's not like you stopped loving her you know i mean so like i understand like from from her point of like from her stance or like anyone's stance who's dealing with someone who lost a partner i understand that there is that sort of like shadow or cloud hanging over your head of being like well they never stopped loving them it is just by circumstance that it ended so like i get it but that doesn't mean it's also dead and are not in the picture so for sure irrational um and i could understand it more if it was like hey

i have a partner and everything we do they're like i wish dave was here i wish you know yeah your dick was as big as dave's i wish you know hey let's name our four children dave you know because again we've seen shit like that where like whether it be a past relationship or a dead partner like they they perpetuate in this unhealthy way but this is like the most understandable yeah thing and to not be understood and let alone that like be abused like it's it's absolutely awful uh you need to figure this out one way or another and i think the figuring out is either in the form of you break up with them and you find someone who is kinder or you really sit them down and hammer home the fact that they are them i would strongly recommend that you move on because sitting like i can't imagine sitting with my partner while they're like a sobbing mess

and being like you need to get over it you need to get over this like ingrained trauma that really fucked you up that you had to go to therapy for. Just get over it. Yeah. But like even if you were next to your partner. Having a breakdown. Or like sobbing uncontrollably about like anything. Even if it was like less serious than this very understandable. Very real thing. I think you'd be garbage. I think I would find it very hard to ignore their pain.

And focus on myself. And like I brought up earlier. Like the possibility of talking to your partner, just because I don't know where this, you know, question asker is with regards to them. I think for me, I would be out of there instantly. You know, I think this is a pretty shitty thing to do. And I think you're well within your right to do it. But like, I think as you said, there are kind of only two ways this can go down on. That's you leave or you get a very sincere apology off them. And even then, it's like if you have the conversation and they don't very sincerely apologize, I think you just you have to leave because you're just going to end up being in an abusive, shitty relationship.

Yeah, the the onus you've done nothing wrong here. So the onus isn't on you to prove that you still love her. At no point in time during this episode would the implication that you no longer love her, that never happened. So it's not your responsibility to show to her that you still love her. It is her responsibility to acknowledge that what she did was shit and she needs to apologize or understand that either hopefully on her own accord or through a very very serious conversation that you have with her being like hey look i've put in the work i've gone to therapy this isn't something that you know is is something i can just move on from it's not that simple this is something i've been working on for a very long time and there are very specific triggers.

So maybe if you read a fucking synopsis, don't watch a movie with me that has a dramatic reenactment of how my last partner died. You know, you make a good point. I was going to joke about what monster reads the synopsis of a movie before watching it because, you know, but the question was too heavy. So I decided not to but this actually leads to the very real possibility that they knew this was here and we're like testing her or needling her with it or something because it's like i assume they know if while this partner's in tears they're able to figure out what's happening right so it's like to then have read the synopsis it's like oh so you fully knew that was in here so not only are you ignoring their trauma you might well have just provoked it yeah

it'd be like you know knowing your partner went through some traumatic sexual abuse and then being like hey let's watch girl with a dragon tattoo it's like i know i've read the synopsis and i know there's like a very graphic rape scene in it for like 13 minutes. But it's like it's just like you should have the foresight to recognize being like, like, unless she doesn't know how your partner died. But I assume that you might have brought it up at some point in time. So, you know, we can cut some slack there. We can give the benefit of doubt of being like, oh, you just know that his partner committed suicide and you didn't know the method fine but they're like you know it's it still comes down to the fact of being like they watched something very traumatic and very visceral and brought them to

a place that they weren't ready to confront again and you need to recognize that so as now said it goes one of two ways you get a very sincere apology or you bounce and like that apology would have had to be like the best apology ever for me to stay i think and you deserve so much better you deserve at base level a partner that cares about you and getting upset when you're going through something so understandable and so painful and making it about like attacking you. And it's insane. That's absolutely awful. You don't deserve that. No one deserves that.

Find a better partner. And for all the partners out there, be better. Don't be this person. Yeah. At the end of the show, before we end it and wrap it all up for you, we like to jump on online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, improve online dating platforms to see what works and what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable okay so how about this one it's called f buddies patreon uh-huh great

name right it's excellent um so apparently they're offering three different tiers uh looks like one's something casual for three dollars uh we can support the show um they have something for seven dollars called friends with benefits where you get bonus episodes whoa that's a green flag if i've ever seen one and a third one called fuck buddy uh 13.50 a month but it gets you not only the episodes and supports the show gets you priority list for the questions oh sorry i didn't scroll down far enough there's another one called sugar parent that one sounds really interesting what are your thoughts i think it's great and i think everyone should head on over to fbis podcast.com click the patreon link and maybe consider signing up for one of those excellent options oh wait there's another thing where if they hit 25 they'll do a live show

oh also i feel like we should we should start one where we get people in the running to make us release that erotica we have just tucked away in in the in the snow banks yeah now this has been a very thinly veiled plug for our patreon uh but imagine if there was a dating app where you could set tiers of being like oh seven dollars will get you you can message me you can send me a message that's only fans i guess but like only fans has the idea of like it's a it's a transaction in terms of like you're buying goods this is like this is a dating app i understand maybe this sounds awful yeah no i know it know. It'd be absolutely terrible. But I feel like if I made it and took a service fee, a little slice of the pie, you know.

Then eventually you could get Elon Musk to buy it, much like Twitter. Hell yeah. Or I could buy Twitter from Elon Musk. Are you ready for Julia? Let's do it. About me. After our meeting, your life will never be the same. I will bring new colors into your life. can stand person who breaks their promises uh i think we could assume that they mean can't stand but hey maybe maybe they're just really cool liars maybe they just

absolutely hate promises um this gives me strong murder vibes because people be anytime anyone says like oh i'll change your life like the only way i assume you would be able you a stranger on the internet could change my life is by doing something terrible to me and taking a limb perhaps and by adding new color to my life being the color red as my blood seeps out into the floor because you've stabbed me to death yeah also i will bring new colors into your life it's just about the most boring sentence i've ever seen in my life it's gonna be what are you what are you gonna give it i'm gonna give it a zero okay you know what yeah fuck it i'm gonna give it a zero as well are you ready for this i think this is a fuck buddies

first and certainly i think i have an audio clip from a dating profile because i don't know if you know this but hinge allows you to share like you can answer one question with an audio clip and it's meant to be like oh you get a sense of their voice and you can be a little more charismatic and yada yada so this is uh i don't know if i have their name and i don't know if i will because i'm already you know outing them with a voice. Now, I am expecting the most charismatic thing ever now that you've. Oh, hey, let me tell you. That's great. OK, so never have I ever put a girl in doggy style, a.k.a. Bacchus.

Like I've never done it. So, yo, if you're trying to be the first to take my doggy style slash Bac virginity you already know message me directly show me wild going with the wild going like i'm down what is bakas i assume it is slang in you know whatever culture he's from yeah okay i just wasn't sure if i was missing something there like it might be like you know like back shots it might be like a slang of. Yeah, yeah. What I love is that, like, I think he's trying to be all like sexy and like, ooh, like, you know, but like doggy style is so basic that this isn't exciting. This isn't like, oh, shit.

It's just kind of like, wait, you've never done doggy style? Like, are you good? Have you never fucked? And like, it's also like being like, oh, hey, the one thing that you might be able to do for me is let me fuck you. That's not a selling feature for women usually. You know what I mean? Of like being like, hey, I'm so inexperienced in this one sex thing. Let me do it to you. Yeah.

Isn't exactly like a big, oh, hey, yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me do it to you. Yeah. Isn't exactly like a, like a big, oh, oh, hey, yeah. Oh yeah. Let's do it. Yeah. I feel like it's much in the way that like, I think men hope when they send out dick pics, they get the response that a titty pic would, would give them where they'd be like, I'm, I'm horny. Let's fuck.

Like, this is great. Yeah. But in reality, it's like, oh no. Yeah. That was, that was wild. I can give that a zero also i'm also giving this a zero i will say that is that is uh from a good dear friend uh agent golden skull hell yeah love the name love the addition and also just like these sound bites

are great i want more of them yeah i need to start listen the only problem is like i can't save them how did they uh this was on an instagram post oh okay yeah yeah that's fair ready for michelle uh nsa no dating kissing etc in a relationship so just a short-term thing faced with hearts about it so did they say what was the kissing thing nsa no dating kissing etc in a relationship oh just a short-term thing what's nsa no strings attached no strings attached yeah so that's weird so like i get what they're coming from but like again kissing why can't you kiss if you're hooking up yeah that's like the best part of hooking up i mean not really but like it's a very like i, I enjoy a good makeout. Making out is incredible. And if I couldn't kiss someone I was having sex with, I would feel so weird.

Yeah, I was with a girl once who at one point was like, I'm just not really into kissing. And the next time we had sex, that was like kind of in my mind. And like, she didn't go for it. And then I didn't. And it sucked. It wasn't fun. And it's like i i don't understand it so to me that's weird also like kissing etc it's like what's the etc hand holding eye contact

any other contact other than penis inside vagina yeah i don't know it's like people i think can lend too much importance to things like oh i'm dating someone you can't kiss me like that's that's emotional but you can ram your dick at me it's like okay i don't know just have fun this sounds like it would be very bad sex i imagine it would be yeah for sure i mean like not being able to kiss during sex i think would automatically make any sex bad for me yeah unless the game was of like you know oh i can't kiss you and like we're doing it one time like oh your hands are tied also but i think i also don't think i would enjoy that so yeah it's bad fuck it if if a kiss didn't happen for for some reason sure but like just having it

be a rule and it's just like okay this is because like what do i do do we just like do you just immediately start that's when you get that's when you get the well you probably can't do that she's in a relationship i feel like that's when you get intense ick face that's when you get the bulging eyes and the things you have nothing to do but stare i like i don't even know if i could get going i mean i guess like like maybe hand job like is that how we're foreplaying because like yeah, yeah, you're right. They probably wouldn't do oral for, you know, not in a relationship. So it's like, I wouldn't be able to go down on you. Like, can I finger you?

All right, it's bad. I'm giving this a zero as well. Let's do it. All zeros all day. Man, that doggy style thing's haunting me though. That's just such not a cool move to do. Such a bad move, man. It's just so lame.

Okay, I feel like we need something to... We need a ladder out of this hole we've dug. This is Kai. If you can make a bitch laugh and giggle, you can make her cheek clap and wiggle. Peace sign. I have this one. I loved it.

It's very fun. I thought it was very good. It was one of the first profiles that I was actually like, and that I think is kind of like the highest compliment in my opinion. So this is getting a 10 from me. It's funny. It's charming. It rhymes.

It's sexy. It's new. Yeah, I'm giving it a 10. It's funny. I have that one as well. I'm just going from my list down. There's no picking and choosing here. So you're just going to get what comes to you, whether it be trash or not. This is Farah. Used to be a nihilist and a cynic and decided to fight my ur down. There's no picking and choosing here, so you're just gonna get what comes to you, whether it be trash or not.

This is Farrah. Used to be a nihilist and a cynic and decided to fight my urges, ironically, by being on here. Someone's told me that I do a good job conveniently treading the line between insanity and charm. Be educated, interesting, cultured, and chivalrous. Is this the woman?

Yes. This reads like a fucking, like, MySpace page that a 16 year old would write yep i'm charismatic and insane no you're not you're not insane and if you are that's not something i want to balance up i when when i date someone the amount of insane that i want is zero very very little yeah also just like i'm a nihilist and cynic and now it's so ironic that i'm on tin or bumble it's like what is ironic about that yeah it's like it just reads and reeks of like like someone had just found out what nihilism is and they're like this is my whole personality now now this person is 29 which is far too old for this way too old and they also just be educated interesting

cultured and chivalrous like toxicity oozing out of every pore there's a term in ireland called the anti-crack because like crack means fun anti-crack like antichrist she seems like the anti-crack she seems like she's a black hole of fun there would be no banter yeah 100 i would have accepted like 22 years old would have been the only age where i would have been like all right i get i like hey it's still not acceptable but i would have been like i understand that you still think this is cool no but 18 wearing wearing a My Chemical Romance hoodie and like, you know. Yeah. And even then I'd be like, you need to grow up.

So zero. Zero, yes. Now, okay, here's Tori. Bright social woman seeks stable girl summer. Looking for easy chemistry plus news and analysis I don't already get from my day to day. Let's meet for yoga in the park or snacks and drinks out. Kindness is a priority, but eventually I'll roast you. No one would call me anything but direct.

6-1, but you don't have to be. Okay. Stable Girl Summer's funny. Yeah. Like, yes. I think that's very funny. I like that they seem to want to do stuff. I like that they're aware of the hype thing but like not weird about

it the looking for news they don't get from other sources seems like a weird thing to say see i thought that at first too and then i was like you know what i kind of like the idea of like being like oh i would love to like grab drinks with someone who's got a different perspective than me no you probably don't though because that different perspective is bill gates is coming us through a vaccine but i think there's like i think there are people who like focus on news and stuff that i don't really follow you know i mean like i would like to sit down and someone like if they had interesting things to say about a topic i generally don't follow i think that'd be very interesting for me you know what i mean if she wants to hear about our pathfinder games great is that's what she means wonderful otherwise maybe a little weird i don't know yeah but overall

i think it's it's a pretty bright nice unique enough kind profile that i'll give it like an eight yeah i i think eight is also a very good number for this like it's good i just there's like inklings of like something i don't know i'll hit you with this nameless person uh a pro and a con of dating me i'm serious and independent i do not love sarcasm or being your source of entertainment huh i mean it depends on like how literal they mean that of like i don't want to be your you know primary sort like everything doesn't have can't come from me i respect that but it sounds like you just aren't fun no no dane this is a really good prompt wait what this is a this is a really good response oh i see you're being

sarcastic yeah it seems again anti-crack right here. Yeah. Even like a two. Yeah. Sarcasm is a weird thing to be upset about because it's like, I don't know. It just seems strange. Yeah. Yeah. I don't love it either. There's not a whole lot to talk about there, but like, it's just not good.

And I think that's the problem. But that's going to do us, friends. That is our show. Thank you for hanging out with us. Thank you for spending the hour with us on our end, hey, this episode was a nightmare to record, but we made it through. Oh, God, it sucked so hard. It was very, very, very difficult for us. We had to restart three times. It was a challenge, but we do it because we love you and we feel the love from you and and that's why that's why we do this

so thank you very much it means the world to us if you do want to support the show as now mentioned earlier uh f buddies podcast.com hit the patreon button it'll bring you there you can join anyway at 25 patrons we will start or we will do a live show um and if you want to send in a question f buddies podcast.com click the contact form. We'll keep it anonymous. You can choose your agent name and we'll answer it as soon as possible. Thank you to everyone who is supporting us on the Patreon. We really appreciate it. Thank you for supporting us in other ways, such as giving us reviews, sharing us, interacting with us on the old Instagram or Twitter.

You guys are all the best. We got a good fucking crew here. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars. Ready for a little bad sex writing? I would love to hear some. We got good old Frank Herbert back again with a little dune. So the context

for the scene is I believe this person is running for her life. Probably in a desert. Yeah, probably. In the way genes occasionally do, her features copied those of a long dead ancestor. Gently oval and with a generous mouth, eyes of alert awareness above a small nose. Her body had grown lanky from years of running, but it sent strong sexual signals to the males around her. Yeah, hell yeah.

That's a normal thing to say. I don't think there's any sexual signal that doesn't get sent to me when someone is running for their life. Because presumably, if I'm also not running for their life because presumably if i'm also not running for my life i could probably be helping right like chase or run it like i i could help whatever she is running for her life from right like if if that's something that i'm just chilling you're not gonna solo a fucking sandworm bro well that well all i'm saying is if the sandworm is there i should also be running and not fucking you know, ogling

Zendaya. Now, I will say this does give us the perfect come on at a gym. You go up to a girl, she's on a treadmill, and it's like, damn, girl, your body's grown lanky from years of running, but it's a strong sexual signal to me. Yeah, hell yeah, your oval's hell.

Do your genes occasionally copy a long dead ancestor? Also, am I supposed to believe that these motherfuckers were wearing jeans in Dune? I assume. Are you joking? Oh, you mean jeans as in. Yeah, like her jeans. Oh, I'm Dane Miller. And I'm Miles Fade. Or Jean. I'm Dane Miller.

And I'm Miles Spade. We've been your fuck buddies.