F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 19 - The Baked Beans Betrayal

Episode Date: January 28, 2019

In effort to divert menacing social media messages, we've made sure to get this episode to you in the promptest of fashions.  We dive into a new bottle of whiskey this week and, keeping tradition, things get real weird.  I mean, real weird.  I mean weirder than that scene in 2004's rom-com hit, Shall We Dance, when Bobbie accosts Vern for sweating too much.  Topics include loving yourself, first date sensitivity training, slip and slide sex positions, a shitty blowjob, the baked bean betrayal, finding your dance partner and being ready for a relationship.

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Daniel And I'm Mal Spain And we are, of course, each and every week Your fuck buddies.

That was a subtle one. I think it's just like, I think I'm thinking it's going to be worse than it is. Or I just can't hear it through these god awful headphones. I don't want to hear it. Huh? Huh? What? Welcome back to this very pod in this very closet.

Is it? Yeah. We got a new whiskey to enjoy during our recording. Oh, that is nice. Okay. I'm glad. Because we've just worked our way through all the others. Too many.

Dane now has no booze in his apartment. Sorry, Dane. Whatever. Yeah, thanks for coming back every Monday. Yeah, we have to apologize for the blizzard that delayed our post last week. Oh, yeah. Is that what we're going with? I did that part out.

Yeah. So the blizzard, unfortunately, it was so cold that the communication wires for the internet just couldn't handle the sheer amount of advice we were trying to push through them. Yeah. The Wi-Fi got frozen. Yeah. Yeah. The Y was still working, but the Phi is actually necessary to get the whole thing together.

That's true. But, you know, we got there. We're sorry for those who missed us on their morning commute. Thank you for your kind, vaguely threatening messages. Sort of sarcastic messages as well. Yeah. We see you, 8th Dimension. We see you.

Thanks, 8th Dimension, because you guys, I woke up to that and was like, oh, no. I get yelled at in work. Yeah. Sorry, Adriana. Sorry, guys. But I usually schedule it the night before. Mm-hmm. Wow.

Usually. And then there's like a thing that says like, oh, you know. You know what? Last week we could have said always. Now we have to say usually. Yeah. Soon it'll be fucking rarely. So I saved the draft, but I didn't schedule it to publish.

So whatever. I'm so disappointed right now. All the times that it's been up an hour early, because for some reason Podbean is like an hour ahead. So anytime I schedule it to release on midnight, it actually comes out on Sunday. So we're really like a day ahead at this point. Yeah. Stop complaining, you assholes. God, guys, if you had all that extra time

that you've got in episodes, I was still on time. And I'm going to stick with that. I blame the blizzard. Just edit out the other parts. Re-omit to it. Yeah. Okay.

Ooh, it's a blizzard. Blizzard. All right, let's... Well, you have a thing to say. Do I? What are we, Dane? Oh, we're a Dating and Sexes Byte podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations

and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Oh, you got so good at that. I know, I'm getting better. I kind of miss it. I'm going to have to... Good news, the Raptors are playing today, so I can do some... Oh, well, good,

because we've been trying to remove all the b-ball quotes we constantly make. I know. I can't remember where I saved my questions this week. Well, then I'm going to start off, I guess. Yeah, do it. Okay. 22-year-old female went on a date and saw his 25 male. What the hell did you just say?

What was the first thing you said? 22 female. Oh, okay. Sorry. What the fuck did you think I said? I have no idea what you said. Okay. Put your phone down.

Start listening. Okay. Put your phone down. Start listening. Okay. Good boy. 22-year-old female went on a date and saw 25-year-old male's face drop in disappointment by user Dismal Baker, which makes sense as we get further into this. It's kind of long, but I feel I need to read the whole thing because it's a journey. All right. I'm here.

Comfy? Yep. My insecurities have slowly been destroying my life and relationships, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm 22 and currently in grad school. I've never felt good about myself, never felt pretty because, quite frankly, I'm not, and never felt smart. I've always felt so embarrassed to go out into public, now transitioning into not caring because no amount of effort could fix my face. I almost always feel as though people are being just polite when they talk to me. I have a good group of friends, all of whom are very pretty in dating slash relationships, and last Friday they convinced me to go on a date with some guy they

found for me on Bumble, made an account, and were swiping. He was tall and handsome and had just graduated grad school, and I knew it in my heart that he'd be way out of my league. I was absolutely dreading meeting him and none of my friends could relate since he wasn't out of their league. I walked into the bar and made eye contact and I immediately felt like I'd been punched in the gut. No smile, no nothing. He hugged me and I immediately felt guilty for wasting his time

but we started talking and I realized he was going to be polite and stay. When he went up to go to the bathroom, I immediately felt he was going to walk out, kind of hoping, but he didn't. We had our, I don't know why it's in caps. triathlon June, aka out of my league, in brackets again. He went to the restroom a second time, and when he came back, drinks must have set in, plus bar environment, he stared at my legs with noticeable bedroom eyes. I was so shocked as I'd never experienced that before, especially from such a handsome guy. He walked me into my car and tried to kiss me, made me super uncomfortable because I've never been kissed by anyone, so I swerved and left. He still texted me, but he wants a casual relationship, aka you're not good-looking enough to date, but you're in shape and healthy weight and I'm horny, so let's fuck, and I feel so worthless.

No one ever look at me and think I'm beautiful. I'm the girl you fuck in secret, not the one you take home to mom. It's so painful knowing that. As a woman, I feel like my worth is largely based off of how I look, and it is, to be frank. My friends and I are all very similar personality-wise, but they're gorgeous. We go out, and I'm the friend, the cute guy who's flirting with my friends, asks his friends to flirt with. I'm the girl who doesn't get hit on until closing time. I'm having such a hard time coping. I can't stop thinking about that initial look of disappointment on his face. Advice, please.

That took forever. I'm sorry. Yikes. Yeah. I love, like, when I read the first question, though, like, when the date saw disappointment on his face, I was like, oh, no. Like, that sucks. And i was waiting for that to

happen and like it seems like the date went pretty well yeah that sounds like the start of pretty much every date like yeah i mean i don't know you the thing is is like i don't trust anything that she's saying yeah in terms of like what he was doing no because she there's she has no backup for any of it and like also like her her vision is so skewed her perception is so skewed yeah based on her own insecurity so like he might have you know what i mean like there any number of things he could have done and she could have just automatically assumed it was because he wasn't attracted to her more could he have done it seems like they had a good date and he tried to kiss her and she didn't

want that and then he wants to keep chatting and like yeah he mentioned something casual i guess but like you've been on one date it's always going to be casual at that point unless and it's also like he's allowed to want to cause yeah and that's also where you can be like oh sorry i'm looking for something a little more serious like but if you're looking for something that serious after one date you're probably crazy so yeah but i mean it's one of those things where like he's hasn't done anything wrong you know it means like you should always try to like set the parameters of what you're looking for during a first date or around it you know what i mean so they're not waste people's time because like if someone's like oh i'm not into casual

relationships okay great then you know you're not be fucking doing anything you know what i mean like or it's not a good match um but also like but then she just automatically assumes it's because she's not good enough which is yeah it's like i met a ton of girls who are admittedly out of my league and i was always like there's no such thing as i mean you know what i mean but like women who are very attractive yeah um and and I was always like, Oh, I'm not looking for anything serious. Yeah.

I mean, it wasn't because they weren't attractive or I wasn't attracted to them or that, you know what I mean? They had any less value because of, like, honestly, it's almost the opposite. If you want to just have a casual thing with somebody,

it's probably because they're hot, but maybe not. You know what I mean? Like if you really want to get negative about things you're hardly gonna be like yo i only want to fuck you because you're ugly yeah you may like what it's like oh i'm so ugly man only want to fuck me it's like yeah it's probably also one of those things where she's like oh i never get hit on it's probably because you're like freaking out well yeah if you're fucking barrel rolling out of a kiss because she's like totally creeped out like

you had a date and the guy tried to kiss you and like sure if you don't want to that's fine but what's creepy about that yeah again like maybe he tried to do the sweat cave yeah she was like creeped out oh yeah i mean that might just be because she's like might not have been in relation to oh i guess she said maybe super uncomfortable but like just everything sounded so dramatic that like yeah um i think it's one of those things i see this all the time like i've always wanted to like bring one of those questions in uh but it's also usually uh i've seen like guys doing it being like i'm hideous i'm so ugly i can never hear pictures of me and like it's just a it's just a dude like he's not he doesn't have any sort of like horrible facial features he usually has terrible quality photos or like bad staged photos

but like him himself is like a decent looking dude yeah and like and then like you tell them like nine times out of ten those posts are being like dude just get someone to hold your camera for you or like you know use something like use a high def camera instead of this like 1998 fucking webcam that you're using yeah um and and you're fine and like get your hair out of your face or like smile yeah and you'll be okay whoa you're telling them to smile yeah smile you're prettier um yeah but like they're so convinced that they're not or like they're not, or like, they're so desperate for validation that they continue to say like, oh, I'm the worst. I'm ugly.

I'm horrible. And people like, there's maybe this like sort of weird perverse, like, oh, like they like the fact that people are fighting to tell them they're attractive. I guess. Um, but I think a lot of people also just like, yeah. What is it? Body dysmorphia? Is that what it's called i think so um where it's

like they're just convinced that they're hideous well that's the thing you can tell like even from the first like sentence or two in this i don't want to leave the house because nothing can fix this face yeah like if it was that bad i don't think your pictures would have gotten any dates on bumble like let's be fucking fair and also like it's like those those apps are very visually based based on like whatever your friends might have written your bio i highly doubt that's why they probably didn't write much yeah um so it's like so unless those are literally a catalog of physical first impressions yeah um and like yeah i guess maybe he didn't jump to his feet and like hail jesus when you walked in but like newsflash that'd be fucking weird also if he was nervous yeah i don't know like everyone wants to play a cool i don't like you know i don't know imagine

you walk in he just smiles that's creepy i mean yeah like i would, I don't know. I'm pretty quick with a smile, though, but, like... You're too quick, almost. Almost. Oh, this whiskey is good. Yeah, I just, like, it kind of broke my heart reading that, because, like, again, like, if you cut out all the, my face is unfixable and like all that shit and you just literally went step by step through the date, it sounds like it went pretty well. I love how at one point she mentions like booze, but then also that she's driving. I'm like, I doubt he hammered back nine drinks and you had one. Yeah.

So like, don't blame the booze. Like one drink's not like, well, she was horrendous, but now. Yeah. And he's still drunk a week later wanting to see you. Yeah. Like some people just, it makes me sad. It's almost impossible for anyone to be as ugly as this person says she is. Like, I don't think there is anyone out there.

It's just like, my face is just, it's a lost cause. Everything about me, lost cause. And I promise you, she's attractive. Oh, I bet, yeah. So what's the advice here? What would you say if she was here in this closet with us? I'd say, oh. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, no, no. Just like, oh, I wish, and I know anything I did say would probably be a fucking, like, I don't know. Probably wouldn't come through but like that you need to get out of your own head and like stop having preconceived notions in your head because she like and just like work on what's happening someone's out on a date with you based on this visual like dating app like they're not going like oh fuck it's you know this is my pro bono like dating thing where i have to take one ugly person out a month like no one's wasting their fucking time like that so clearly like look at

that and realize it might not mean you're the most attracted person in the world but it means something right take fucking solace from that the fact that you like he could have left he could have been like look i'm sorry your pictures aren't indicative of what you look like or blah blah i'm not feeling it he could have left at any fucking time he could have not messaged you he could have not tried to kiss you could have done all these things these are all good signs yeah and you're avoiding all of them for some reason so like try and distance yourself from your own misery you know and i think just i know it's it's super cliche, but maybe stop trying to validate your self-worth based on how you think people should perceive you and your beauty. Because it's one of those things where not everyone is going to find everyone attractive.

There are some people who are like, most people will agree universally. Even then, I'm sure there's someone who's like, or you get to know them and they're either hotter or less hot as a result yeah there there's like there are people who i can acknowledge are attractive but i'm not attracted to yeah you know what i mean like most like traditional models like the megan fox type you know what i mean like she's hot yeah but like doesn't really do anything for me because it's just not my type yeah um so it's it's one of those things where like you have to acknowledge be like okay i'm not everyone's cup of tea and i might be like no one is i'm more yeah and there's a thing it's like

i might be a more niche person's cup of tea if you are a unique looking person but like there's someone out there that is going to find you attractive the same way that like you probably don't find everyone attractive. Like, you don't walk down the street and just be like, she's so hot, he's so hot, he's so hot. You know what I mean? There are going to be people out there that you're just like, no, that doesn't do it for me. Yeah, and that's okay. That's okay because people are going to do the same thing to you.

Yeah. Also, like, again, cliche, like, you have to love yourself. Like, if you're going out in this pit of like self-deprecation like you're not going to be acting yourself you were miserable the second you walked in for no other reason than like you were just overthinking everything and getting fucked up you were like falling before you went over the first hurdle yeah it's like you if you think you're ugly get over that because like you're you that's not going to change so like literally like you just got to get over it you need to look at yourself and be like fuck it like i's not gonna change so like literally like you just got to get over it you

need to look at yourself and be like fuck it like i am who i am and like that because not liking it is fucked like you have to deal with you your entire life so if you don't like you you're not gonna have a good time yeah and like again riding the cliche train um fuck what was i gonna say uh uh confidence is blind um love is blind um you know i mean like so like even i've seen people who are who like to me i'm like i don't understand how you are sexually uh successful but you you walk in like you own the fucking place and it works for you stop talking about me um and it's one of those things where like yeah you know i mean a woman who walks in it doesn't matter whether i think they're attractive um especially at the bar like there are some women who just walk in and

just like you're like fuck okay like you have my attention i might not be attracted to you but like you've certainly like earned anyone who's confident confident and yeah it's 100% confident and it's 100% and honestly it's 9 times out of 10 women who don't fit the like traditional archetype of who is attractive you know what I mean it's usually like bigger women

and it's people who have been like this is who I am and I'm fucking awesome and if you don't like it deal with it because I'm going to walk right through you. Good. Because that's the thing. Like no matter what you look like, that's what you should feel because like, you're going to be attractive to somebody and you're going to be unattractive to somebody.

Everybody. Yeah. Uh, also you're you, we can't body hop yet. You know what I mean? And generally like, I'm not getting into plastic surgery but i think often that exacerbates the problem you know what i mean but like just fucking you you have to deal with it you know and love yourself also maybe it's it's tough um because you'll probably think everyone is condescending or like trying to make you feel

better but like there might not be any harm talking to your friends and be like, hey guys, this is how I feel about myself. There's no point in letting it brew and stew inside you, because you are always going to say the worst shit to you. Oh yeah. You're a super mean to yourself. The voice in your head is the worst person to listen to. Because you know all your weaknesses, and you're just going to prod them with sharp knives.

Exactly. So it might not be a bad idea to sit down with your girlfriends and you're just gonna prod them with sharp knives exactly um so it might not be a bad idea to like sit down with your your girlfriends and be like hey guys like i went on this date and this is what i felt and and here are these things and like maybe get some support from your comrades you know like some camaraderie amongst strong women hopefully uh is is a great idea and i think it's it's something that should be encouraged yeah just go easy on yourself as well like I don't know because it seems like

these girls are going out of their way to help you they've made a Bumble account and found you a good date yeah

with an attractive guy like it'd be one thing if they set you up with like you know just some fucking slob who's an asshole yeah

but like they found a decent looking dude yeah also like he's brand new to the city like it makes sense that he'd only want a casual relationship you know what I mean like he just fucking he's brand new to the city. It makes sense that he'd only want a casual relationship.

You know what I mean? Yeah. He's fresh off the boat wherever the fuck y'all are. Anyway, good luck out there. Love yourselves, guys. Mm-hmm. Here we go. I think this is an interesting question.

This is by Reddit user BumblingIdiot86. He says, how can I not be an idiot going on a date with someone in a wheelchair? Hello. I match with someone on an app who seems super interesting and wants to grab drinks. They are in a wheelchair, and I want to make sure I'm not a total jerk or ignorant buffoon about it. What are some things that I should know? What are things that I should definitely not say or do? What kind of questions can I ask without being offensive?

For instance, I'm curious as to why they're in a wheelchair, but I'm not sure if that's rude or invasive to ask. Thanks so much. Yeah, that's a good question. First off, there is 100%, because I've definitely read one, there's an article online by someone who's in a wheelchair and is like, hey, don't ask these 10 questions. Go find it.

There's someone on Reddit who's like, hey, I'm in a wheelchair and this is my experience. Go find it. Yeah. Like, I've read one and I wish I could remember better what the things were that they said, but having not remembered any of it, I think err on the side of caution. In that, just treat them like a fucking normal person because they are.

And just act like how you would in a date. And if something comes up organically, sure. But no one wants to feel like they're a specimen. Yeah what i mean novelty yeah or like a fetish like you start fetishizing them like if you're like asking like really it's the same with like if you're dating someone of like a certain ethnicity or like from a culture and if you focus really heavily on like oh this and like people start to feel like that's not why you're like they're not why you're there it's their stuff like their condition or their background or their like race or whatever so like just fucking go and like i i you know just ignore it for the most part because like that's what they do all the you know what i mean like they

just live their life they're not always like look it's a chair so if you are that's gonna be annoying yeah i think i think just play it like a normal fucking date yeah because it is you wouldn't you wouldn't look at someone be like why'd you pick those pants today so how are you how are you walking yeah it's it's such a strange and i get it because like um you do want to be sensitive about these kind of things but like this is the reality that's their day-to-day life this is i don't know if they've been there forever or if it's like something that happened in life but um it's like they it's as it's their way of getting around it's the same way as people just walking around it's the same way as people who use other mobility devices um and yeah i'd imagine that they will

probably at some point break it up yeah um but if it doesn't happen or if like if the situation arises where you can sort of like ask go for it you know i mean it's not i think it's it could also be just as uh ignorant to completely avoid yeah you know what i mean and be like and act like they're not in a wheelchair yeah and that's why i say like if it's brought up or it comes up organically like if they're like oh it's cool i like this place because they have like uh you know wheelchair access you might be like oh yeah is that tough like are there a lot of places that don't and like you know you can do something like that that's not just like hey what's up with your legs you know like and i feel like yeah you don't want to like and once you're like aware of

something it is like once it's in your head it is kind of hard i guess to act natural about it because you don't want to yeah say something out of the blue we also don't want to ignore it but like you do that by like working off what they say you know what i mean like if they bring it up sure don't ignore it yeah like if they say something and you're like so the eagles game or sorry the raptors game raptors game they were balling explosive hoops out of midfield um god damn it uh yeah i would also if you're picking the spot make fucking sure that yeah to make sure it's wheelchair accessible yeah and also like if you're uh if you're like like make a reservation and let them know because some places only have like high tops or like benches like fucking you know like boots that it's a little harder to like yeah slide into

and all that shit so like yeah if you're making it like fucking make sure if they're doing the date that's on them yeah yeah i'm sure though hey meet us you meet me at this place then fucking cool but like if if you're the one suggesting a place go there first and make sure that there are like tables with removable chairs and they can get through the fucking door yeah because i know like a lot of places that i go or i used to go on dates like would not be yeah well sure even in my bar a while ago uh everything downstairs was a high top like literally everything uh so we had someone come in once and we literally had to open up one table upstairs for them to go to and like luckily they they were cool they didn't give a shit they went up there they had a great time um and. Um, and like, it was fine, but at the same time, it's like, cool.

You're relegated to upstairs completely by yourself. Like that's kind of shit. Right. So make sure that the place you're going isn't like that. Yeah. I think that nailed it. You know, hopefully, hopefully. Okay.

My girlfriend told me to go vegan or she will break up with me by quite, sir. She's obsessed with this vegan thing and I'm not vegan. Yesterday. She told me to go vegan or she will break up with me. By Quiser. She's obsessed with this vegan thing and I'm not vegan. Yesterday she told me to go vegan or she was going to break up with me. What should I do? Well, fun fact. My girlfriend's vegan. And while she has suggested healthier alternatives to things, she has never given me shit for not being a vegan.

Because she has a good girlfriend. Yeah. This person, on the other hand. A decent person. Yeah. This person, though? Nah. Yeah, because here's the thing.

This is one situation where your views have not aligned and she is emotionally blackmailing you. Yeah. And it's going to happen again to the point where every time you do something that isn't in line with what she thinks is either right or what she wants she's gonna throw this ultimatum at you again so your whole life is just gonna be a culmination of like sacrifices and compromises to stay with this person like the more sacrifices and compromise you make the easier the next one's

gonna be because you're like well fuck i already became vegan and cut my hair and killed my dog so fuck it's like i haven't talked to my parents in 10 years yeah i don't have any friends anymore is going to be because you're like, well, fuck, I already became vegan and cut my hair and killed my dog. So fuck. It's like I haven't talked to my parents in 10 years. Yeah. I don't have any friends anymore. I've sacrificed that for two years. So what is, you know, burning my TV? Yeah.

What is stopping being the biggest Raptors fan out there? What? What is it? She's like, yo, no more basketball for you. Oh, no. I break basketball for you. Oh, no. Deal breaker. If Amanda was like, you don't get to watch a single one of these B-boys slam another fucking round pigskin through the score hoop. Oh, no.

I would be like, I'm out of here, man. Yeah. You need to see those sweet air goals. Yeah. Yeah. Those vertical basket. That 3D puck. The baskets are already horizontal.

When he drops that 3D puck through the air hole. Yeah. If he's just thinking mad triples, then, like, I need to see that. That's a part of my life. Yeah. If he's getting free throw home runs from the midfield quarter. I need to see every period.

Just like the guy last week. I need to keep every period of a Raptors game in a jar by my bed. Exactly. Yeah, no, this is... We've had a bunch of questions that are in the same sort of vein where it's just like, this is emotional blackmail. Yeah, if someone's giving you a hard

line threat, it's like calling someone, like this is a blackmail. Yeah, if someone's giving you like a hard line like threat, you know, it's like calling someone like if you don't do this, I'll kill your dog. I don't know why I've mentioned killing a dog twice in this question. It's weird. It's getting real dark.

Yeah. I just got to get out of my system. Do you have a dog? I don't. Oh, not yet. Not anymore. Nope. I do have two cats.

No. I don't need one of them. I can staple them together. Yeah. No, it's just like that's fucked up. If anyone does that to you like this shouldn't be a question it would be one thing if he was like a super shitty racist and she's like look you need to like stop being racist or i'm gonna break up with you yeah i'll accept that

yeah there are things where like the if you're asking them to give up something that is like violent and and volatile and hostile and like but like it's like it's just like a lifestyle to demand a lifestyle it'd be like almost being like hey you need to be bisexual and if you're not gonna be bisexual then we're gonna be breaking like it's not gonna work yeah um it's it's just so shitty and manipulative. Yeah. Um, and it's such a common thing, I think that like, and people just look over it or like, just do it. Mm-hmm. Um, I once had an ex, uh, tell me she would, this one, I was like 16. She told me if I didn't get an EEM over, she would dump me.

Uh, I did not. And she did not. I flat out refused. She got very upset, went went home and then the next day acted like nothing happened i was like ha called your bluff probably should have broken up with her at that point but uh i'm gonna quit this podcast if you don't get one right now snip snip i look so proud man i gotta fucking find a teenage picture of you and photoshop that hair on you my hair was too long for that i need to see see it. But yeah, just dump her ass.

Just say, bye. Then you're gone. Yeah. That's where she got beef. Make her like a pizza, but then on it it just says, we're done. That's a kind way to do it. Right? But it says it in bacon, so she can't even eat it.

Yeah, yeah, no, it's done with meat and cheese. Hell yeah. Oh, I didn't even think about that. Oh, man. I threw out an easy one so we could get back on track. Yeah. This is from Reddit user... Oh, they deleted their username.

That's a weird name. Does it bother men when a woman gets, quote unquote, too wet? Sometimes I fear that I'm distracting from my boyfriend's experience if I get too wet, which sucks for me because I tend to get extremely wet. Lol. He's made comments in the past that sometimes he can't really feel as much due to it, but he's never complained or shamed me for it. What's the consensus?

Is it a damper? I think that's a pun. I hope it is. Is it a damper on the experience or an enhancement knowing you've made your partner absolutely soaked? I will say if you're super wet, that is so fucking hot. So hot. Like, it's super.

It's a massive turn on. And, like, yeah, you might, like, feel a little bit less, but, like, never enough to make an issue. And also, that's more than made up for by the fact that it's so hot. Also, again, we've talked about sort of the science of penetration. Like, male pleasure comes from friction um and if if you're if you've reduced that friction that just means you're going to last longer yeah um and i highly doubt it's the point where like you're not feeling anything yeah

so i mean so you're still being stimulated and you're still remaining hard hopefully um and and you just last longer which is going to be beneficial for... Everybody. Everyone. You get to fuck longer, which is what everyone wants to do. Yep. And it's a win-win. Until... Until... You get to slipping out territory. Yeah, but I mean like...

That's the only danger. I feel like that's a very specific position. There can be a few, or depending on how you're doing it like the danger just gets heightened and no one wants to hit that bone off that bone and it's happened that's the only downside but you just got to be a little bit more careful yeah you just have to like pretend there's a caution slippery wet floor sign and then in bed yeah if you don't though you could get sued if you fall down oh yeah for sure yeah it is a massive legal liability yeah so make sure like that's the only issue if you're getting that wet uh you can tattoo yeah yeah you can tattoo a sign or even just have a little pop-up one we actually sell

them on our website um but that's the only issue is like make sure he's not one of those pickup scam artists where he picks you up to get you so wet to slip next thing you know he's got one of those fake like penis braces around it fucking oh we also saw that um but uh so here are some solutions and i was thinking about this it's like you can just you can manipulate the sexual position to increase vaginal tightness to offset the lack of friction. Close those legs. Yeah, exactly. Put the legs either straight up and over your shoulders.

Or if she's flexible, you can lean forward on them while her legs are closed. Yep. Or even if she's lying down and you're doing it from behind, close those legs again. Very simple. Or even doggy style. Close the legs. Another thing you can do is prone. Is that doggy style. Yeah. Close the legs. Another thing you can do is like prone.

Is that what you meant? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Another thing to do is, and this is like one of my favorite positions because you get to see everything

is missionary, but like take the legs and pull them over to one side. And then that way you're getting sort of like the closed leg tightness, but then you get to see their face. You get to see their boobs. You get to see the boobs.

You get to see the ass. You get to play with the boobs. You get to do everything. Like everything is there to, to enjoy. And like, cause like I love doggy style, but I also like seeing my girlfriend's face and it's, you know, you can only crane your neck back so long. Exactly. Yeah.

Um, so like it's, it's one of those, those, uh, positions that like one feels really good um you can still maintain like an intimate closeness because you can lean on top you can get on the side with her and you can work some interesting angles as well yeah and and you get to like see everything that she's working with um so it's it's a matter of just like manipulating all you need is those infinite sex arms yeah oh man day. We also sell them. Damn it, we don't. I wish. I wish. It's just like the Dr. Octopus of fucking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think it's the best when a girl just gets fucking soaked.

Yeah. No, it's like being like, is it wrong if this guy is too hard? Yeah. It's like, no, unless he like- My boyfriend gets too hard. Yeah. Okay. Like, there's no downside.

Yeah. Unless it just becomes stone. And it's so heavy it rips off his body. Ow. Ugh. What the hell's wrong with you today? I don't know, man. It was a rough ride on the way over here.

I was on the smelliest bus. Like, somebody farted in a bag full of old vegetables and let it marinate for, like, five minutes and just opened it. And the bus driver fucking closed the doors and wouldn't move. I was like, do one or the other. Let this fart smell out or let us go. Maybe it was him. Maybe. Maybe that's his game.

It was so bad. He's just like, I hope you guys are ready for Brussels sprouts. It was not fun. Speaking of which. Oh, no. You ready for this? Yep. Not fun. Speaking of which. Oh, no. You ready for this? Yep.

So next on our men can't clean, men can't work with their own buttholes in real life segment. Boyfriend sharted in my bed by GreenEyedGoddess314. My boyfriend and I have been together five plus years. He's smart, sexy, respected at work, has a great work ethic, takes care of his kids. Oh, he has kids. Myself, his mother, siblings, friends, etc. He's clean, healthy, extremely attractive, all-around amazing man. Multiple times, however, when he has spent the night at my place, he has kinda shit the bed. Like, not shit shit, but streaks on his side of the bed kind of thing.

A questionable fart shart type thing. When he gets up in the morning, he immediately takes his boxers off, throws them in the laundry, and hops in the shower, apparently not noticing what he has done in his sleep. Aside from stained sheets that I have to keep replacing so he And I find this kind of like the old question but different because I think it's easier to say like hey your butt is in a constant state of not being clean can you clean it but it's less easy to say hey you shit yourself while you're sleeping and don't know yeah but like does he not know yeah maybe that's his thing I mean he getting up immediately, ripping off his clothes and jumping in the shower. Hmm. Also, think about this. It doesn't seem like they're together, right?

Like, as in they're not, like, living together. They're living together. So they're probably only, like, dating. Oh, five plus years. Five years. Maybe he's just, like, he's leaving his mark. Because you haven't taken that next step. And he's worried.

Oh. So his shard is, like, a placeholder. Yeah, yeah. Because, like, you can't taken that next step and he's worried oh so his shard is like a place holder yeah yeah because like if you can't bring another guy home no you can't my shit stained like yeah you you get either one of you's lying in the poop yeah he's he's preemptively cockpocking you crafty gentleman uh or maybe he's just he's got like a health thing yeah i i would say like because like he knows like obviously he knows this happens because you would assume also i won't like she says like he wakes up takes off his boxers and then goes to the shower like does he shart so bad it goes through his boxers onto the sheets that's horrific yeah that's something it's like is it does he sleep naked shart and then put his boxers

on afterwards? Like, what? What is the process here? I don't know. Also, like, that's not a factor of, like, a dirty butt. That's, like,

actual poop coming out. Yeah. But, like, where does he leave the boxers? If he's just taking them off, like, satisfy your curiosity and just take a look in there. Like, just take a peek.

Yeah. You know what I mean also like if he shit his pants you'd smell it like it doesn't just go away yeah does he bring a second pair of boxers

I don't know is he just putting on his old shitty boxers I don't know this is you know what I would do stop bringing me these questions never

we need to clean the butts of the planet of men we just have our own brand of butt wipes on our website. Yeah. Alongside our fake dick casts. And butt hygiene.

Wet vag signs. Yeah. No. Like. What I would do. He wakes up. He goes to the shower. You're worried that he thinks it's you if you leave it there.

When he comes back in to get changed. You say. Oh. Hey. Look at this. Was this. Like. Who did this?

Yeah. Where did this come from? I haven't moved yet, but I see poop here. Maybe. And just, like, bring him... Like, literally show him and be like, oh, I just noticed this. Yeah, just look at the dog, grab him by the face, and just rub his face in it. Rub his broken dick in it.

Why is his dick broken? Because he's got fake cast on it. Yeah, just, like... I would just, like, point it out while he's there and be like oh are you good like i noticed this and if he's like oh sorry like my stomach wasn't the best or anything right then you go oh yeah no worries but then the next time you're like hey are you feeling ill again and just keep it keep going and then be like you probably need to go see a doctor or have him be like oh wow i keep shitting myself every night. Or, here's the thing, just don't change the sheets.

Get brown sheets. Just leave them. Let them just collect. Yeah. And then if he, that's on him. You know what? We're going to find a question in two weeks being like, my girlfriend keeps leaving skid marks on the sheets all of a sudden.

But the thing is, it's obviously going to be on his side of the bed. Yeah. You know what I mean? What if they are heathens and they change sides occasionally. Ugh. Ugh. The sequester's got even more disgusting. Yeah.

Ugh. I hate it. It's the worst thing you've said today, and you've talked about killing dogs. Yeah, I think you just got to bring it up. It's harder thinking about it and trying to come up with a natural way to do it. But I feel like if you've got evidence, it's a lot easier.

And when it's fresh, not that it needs to be fresh, but when it's still there and you can just be like, hey, when he comes back from the shower, be like, oh, I just noticed this. Just bring it up. Also, if you can see it, pull one of the blowjob tricks.

You said that you want to wake him up with a blowjob, and you're worried about what you're going to find down there. Like, oh, yeah. Be like, oh, I smell something real weird. Yeah, what is that smell? Or even just be like, before he gets up, you know what I mean? Be like, oh, I'm going to like... What?

It's still the worst thing. What? What is your thing? Just get ready to cut this Take his boxers off Blow them But then sexily put them back on But accidentally put them on backwards

No one's shitting their dick That'll learn them Oh boy I don't even know what to do In this situation I've upset Dan guys Do you want me to move on to my baked beans question? Oh, boy. I don't even know what to do in this situation. I've upset Dan, guys. Do you want me to move on to my baked beans question?

Do you actually have a baked beans question? Baked beans question. You ready? No. You ready? Go. Okay. Are you ready?

My 25-year-old male girlfriend, 26-year-old female, baked all the beans. Now I consider to end our relations? What does I do? Hello. My girlfriend and me have done dating for five months. I thought, this girl is very good. And became of love with her. Yet even so, on this Monday, I come home and found she has baked all my beans. Yes, all. Oh brother.

In my cupboard I store several bag of bean to make soft and to bake on some days. To have a bit of baked bean on my dinner or heck a lunch too some days. But on the Monday I find this girlfriend baked all the beans. I say why do you bake my beans and she says something as I bakes them good to save time so I bakes them all now. I am astonished and full of dismay. I say, I can't not eat all the beans. She says she has froze many of the beans, so as we can unfrozen the on a later day and eat some at a time. But if a bean is frozen unfrozen, the very good and very nice flavor of bean has gone far. A bean is best if baked fresh as a Sunday pie, not to be frozen unfroze. I told

my girlfriend I am so sad of this, as to my opinion the baking of the beans and to freeze them has ruined all my beans. She say I am gone haywire by my enragement and sad manners. But I hates what she did to my beans. On the days before Monday I thought, will we marry the girlfriend? Well, it might be so. But now I am so sad she baked them beans. I'm considered to end our relations and not be the boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. But is my idea wrong? Could my girlfriend make promise to not bake the beans?

I do not know what doing to do and how to feel forgiving on her. What can I do on this situation I said here? In the text I write above this. Thank you. I'm almost 100% positive that you just read the lyrics to like a reggae song. My girlfriend said me.

No, don't do that. No, that is not okay. You need to just get your soundboard out. Isn't that? Yeah, break up with the bitch. Get rid of her. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's just so good.

I don't even know how we can answer that other than being like, yeah, clearly. Like, if someone fucking baked all my beans, like, he's right. You frozen, unfroze the beans, the good and very nice taste has gone far. Oh, no, it's not even in the same country as you. No. It has gone so far. Yeah, like, what the fuck? And they were good and nice beans.

Yeah, no, like, I agree with him. You have to treat baked beans like a fresh sundae pie. Yeah, exactly. Like, if you don't bake them fresh, like, fuck, man. That's a hell. Imagine having a dinner or even a lunch without fresh baked beans. Yeah. Imagine just, like, pulling them out of the fucking freezer.

Oh, brother. And just microwaving them. Who is this? And that's I think it's something that doesn't really get mentioned a lot. You know what I mean? Like people

like societally it's not you're not meant to talk about it, right? But like Well that's the thing it's like if a guy did this it would be a fucking shit show.

You know what I mean? Like fucking the world would burn out. J.K. Rowling would be fucking tweeting about it. Yeah, yeah. She'd write another book yeah harry potter and the bean fiasco woman fucking she can go bake beans any day she fucking wants it's like gillette said it's one of those double standard things yeah um we're like women just try to get a free pass yeah well i'm glad somebody came out and said it um you just you gotta be fucking careful like look

look turn around examine your life examine your partner's closet and uh their cupboard even like are there enough beans still in there like did you bake all their beans or have you left them the adequate number of beans and yeah you might think you're freezing them you might think that's the same thing but it's not it's not like you lose a lot of bean flavor i agree with all the words that you've said before this yeah right the ones i spoke with my mouth yeah yeah um just like take a minute like put yourself in their fucking perspective like i don't like nobody can fucking do this man like beans are they're fucking they're they're sacred like they're it's it's a tough thing to say as like white straight guys yeah like or you get a bad rap for talking about beans um but and like we you know it's a it's a fine line to walk being like you shouldn't really tell women what to do

with with beans like i'm not mr bean here but when it's when it's not your beans you still have to get bean consent whether you're a man or a woman. And women just seem to sort of like throw that to the fucking wind. Yeah, or the freezer. Am I fucking right? Yeah, pretty much. Like their concept of bean consent is far away. Yeah, just like the taste. I'm sorry.

I found the question. I had to. You go. No bean, no cry. No, no bean, lots of crying. Yeah, true. This comes from user BlueHoleLoad. Ew, what?

I already don't like this question. Back to the beans. He asks, if someone from work asked you to go to a dance with him, would you consider this a date? I've developed feelings for a co-worker that I've gotten to know over coffee and lunch for the past four to five months. We text a couple times a week and always take time to chat with each other if we pass each other in the hallway. We've gone out as a group several times before. She used to dance in college and I've been doing ballroom for about a year. I recently asked her if she would like to join me for a social dance I go to and she agreed it would just be the two of us. I know this is sort of vague but if you were in her shoes would you consider this a date? Well I was gonna ask what kind of dance they meant and I'm

very glad they like qualified that because no I wouldn't. If you're both professional dancers or at least you have both done dance often people who do like they just partner up or they're like oh hey like you usually have a dance partner who is often like platonic yeah um like i used to date a dancer and she had like a regular like guy she would dance with all the time totally platonic and like at other times would go and dance with other people and it was just you know people would be like oh i need to dance i need a partner oh i want to dance too it's like rock climbing and belaying somebody you know what i mean because you're not going to do ballroom by yourself so it's like when there's like a functional aspect to it as well i would definitely not

just automatically assume yeah that doesn't mean it can't transition to a date it totally can but i would i would be like the least likely to think this was a date than any other type of dancing 100 um like in fucking 2004's smash it shall we dance with richard gear uh the animate gear what it's just a gear? A floating gear? I'm thinking of the cartoon. Never mind. Continue. Richard Gere. Fucking Stanley Tucci's character is... He's like a guy who goes out and he tries to pick up, but then he finds a platonic dance partner. They might actually end up together in the end of the movie.

I don't remember. Well, this was enlightening. Back to the Raptors. So, what's the update in the score? I'm just saying that, like, yeah, ballroom dancing doesn't have to necessarily be, like, a sexy thing. You take that back. I mean, it's a sexy thing. You take that back.

It's a dance of passion, as Jennifer Lopez's character Paulina shows in the 2004 smash hit, Shall We Dance? When she finally, like, takes Richard Gere in the dark studio. Takes him. Yeah, she, like, brings him in and she's like, donere in the dark studio. Takes him? Yeah, she brings him in and she's like, don't talk, just dance. And then they have this really intimate dance scene. But it's not... Spoiler warning.

But it's not sexual, because he's married to Susan Sarandon. Whose name is what in the movie? Fuck you. I don't remember. That's a really strange name for someone in a, what sounds like a PG film's name.

But, hey, the 90s were crazy, man. It was 2004. The 90s plus four was crazy, man. So, when the smash hit

Strictly Ballroom, there are many different dances shown. One of which is the Paso Doble. If you're inviting someone out to dance the Paso Doble with you, there's no way it could be. You know what?

It's not even a date. It's just pure raw sex because that dance is the sexiest dance of all. So that is a point. Did they mention which type of dancing? They didn't. But in the 2004 Smash Mesh Dance the three dances were uh the waltz the quick step and the foxtrot i don't remember what the third one was because it was the foxtrot maybe i don't know foxtrot's pretty good but no this this guy he needs to slow his three-pointer

because you know what like the ball isn't aimed directly for the net with that one. You know what I mean? You can't mix dancing metaphors with Raptors sports ball metaphors. They're the same thing. Have you seen those ballerinas of the ball out on the field? Have you seen those dribbling boys on the ballroom floor? Ballroom? Basketball? Fucking QED, motherfucker.

Why do you think it says ballroom? Why do you think people have balls? Shit. Yeah. Didn't think about it, did you? They're trying to score those 3.2 on the floor. Exactly. Exactly.

So that's the thing. You've taken a shot, right? That's the thing. You asked her out. She said yes. That's the shot. Is the ball heading for the net? As in, does she know it's a date?

Does she think it's a date? You don't know. However, if it goes well, even if you miss that net, you might still get that alley-oop. Right? Bounce off that backboard. The rear wood. Get that rear wood rebound. Get that explosive dunk.

So, fucking bring her to the dance. Enjoy the dance. If things go platonically, fuck it. Maybe you have a dance partner now. If go well you can maybe transition but no i would not assume automatically that that was a date and you gotta be careful when you're doing like legitimate dancing stuff like that because i think it's pretty reasonable to assume that it might just be like i need a dance partner or we both love dancing yeah like in shall we dance i'm gone berger gear ends up dancing with bobby uh and that's strictly like a it's just because bobby needs a dance partner bobby ends

up with uh stanley tucci i remember it now whose name was uh link link link i believe i love the Legend of Link. My girlfriend has baked all the beans. That's actually a really well done subplot in Shall We Dance. The bean baking? Yeah. That's why most of the movie, fucking Jennifer Lopez just looks sad. And it's because her ex-dance partner baked all her beans. And that's the thing. It's not just a problem that affects guys.

And like I know we came down pretty hard on it. We're just saying like it doesn't get as much recognition on the guy's side. And like girls have to deal with it too. Everyone talks about men baking women's beans. Yeah. Everyone talks about that. Exactly. We know it's a fucking problem.

But like where are the people advocating against men's beans being baked without their fucking consent right like i mean or frozen for that matter like what like let's not fucking forget that issue yeah he fucking had his beans frozen where is that good nice and good bean taste gone far away far like oh brother we're doing another one or we wrap now let's do one more all right we are killing it oh we love you guys we're so sorry if this one's uh okay uh somebody posts up in our dating advice shameful owl says girls if he says i'm not ready for a relationship don't try to stick around unless you're in for a world of pain trust me i've been there he got into a relationship two weeks after he dumped me he strung me along for months thoughts it depends

on everything there's so many variables like but he's saying it doesn't so do you agree no or sorry i guess i think it's i don't know who it is i think maybe it's a girl or a guy i don't know either way i think it's bullshit yeah i mean i think we've talked about, I think it's, I don't know who it is. I think maybe it's a girl or a guy. I don't know. Either way. I think it's bullshit. Yeah. I mean, I think we've talked about it before where it's like, don't take people's, if people are like, hey, I'm not looking for a relationship, don't take that as a personal challenge and try to convince them otherwise. Also, don't like get upset if they end up being with someone else.

Yeah. Cause like situations change. If he says, I'm not ready for a relationship and three months later gets it with someone, well, guess what? Now he's ready for a relationship. That's the thing. Like, if you say,

I'm not ready for a relationship, it doesn't mean you can never be in one. It's like saying, like, oh, the, you know, the raptors aren't playing this week. Yeah. It doesn't mean they're never going to play.

Oh, the beans aren't ready yet. That's not, that's not to say that the beans will never be ready. Well, they won't be if you fucking bake them all. I mean, that's just, that's just making them all ready too soon. No, they're already ready.

They won't be ready. I'm honestly, like, I'm trying to bean in the moment here. And, like, it's just bringing me down. But, yeah, like, I feel like you can't put one hard and fast rule on everybody. Like, legitimately, some people aren't. That's the hard and fast rule of dating is there are no hard and fast rules that's the only hard and fast rule um you you can't just like some people aren't ready for relationships that's okay the fact that they're telling you that it's kind of nice you know what i mean like if someone's honest enough for you to be like hey and like it just because they're not

ready doesn't mean they ever will be with you you know what i mean it Like if someone's honest enough for you to be like, Hey, I'm like it just cause they're not ready. It doesn't mean they ever will be with you. You know what I mean? It also doesn't mean they never will be with you. Like when I started dating, like my, when I met my current girlfriend, I wasn't ready for a relationship. Yeah.

I told her that she told me that. Guess what? We both fucking meant it. Guess what? Later on we were, and guess what? We had one. Guess what?

We still have one. Exactly the situation with me and Amanda, where it's like, when we first met and first started sleeping together, we were not ready. And it's not even the fact that I wasn't ready. I just didn't want one. Well, that's the same thing. Yeah. It was something that I had no interest in doing.

And it was one of those things where I was seeing other people. And there were people who got really upset with me afterwards because they were like, well, I thought you weren't ready. And it's like, I wasn't. Yeah. But it's a fucking process. It's not like it just happened. It's not like you're like, look, I'm not ready.

And then the next day, and even then, like you might realize you're ready when you meet the right person. And like, I'm sorry if that's not you. Yeah. But like that happens. Right. Just because someone's ready for relationship doesn't mean it's with anybody. It's with a person.

Exactly. Like you're not just, oh, I'm ready for a relationship. Like first person to the line wins. It's like, no, the person I want to be with wins. So like, and you could still be incredible, but like not be that person. I think it's kind of crazy to be like, I'm ready for a relationship without having met someone. That is insane. That is literally insane. That's the definition of fucking insane you you date a person

you don't date like an idea yeah you're not just like relationship time yeah like fucking come at me like what because that's that's when you get into the whole like i have a square hole and now i'm gonna try to slam this triangle in there yeah even though triangle would probably fit in a square because squares are just two triangles. It depends how big the triangle is. It's very true. Yeah. No, like shit like this pisses me off, especially because in the comments, so many people are like, yup, yup, yup.

It's like, cool. Somebody said that to you once and it didn't work out. But like, guess what? The fact that it didn't work out means they're not ready for a relationship. Yeah. QED. What the hell does that mean? It means like this is,

it's like we put at the end of like math theorems. It means like proven. Oh. It's like Latin. Yeah. It was like in Shall We Dance

when Miss Mitzi Well, so I'm going to take this away. Oh no. Oh God, what have you done? What did I do? I don't know. Is this still working?

If it isn't, I'm sorry. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Now I get to tell my secrets now that the mic is off. Well, off. Yeah, like, there is no hard and fast road. Like, if it is cripplingly painful enough, imagining not being in a relationship with this person, then don't continue like that. If you don't want to do something that's casual, get out of there.

If you're okay with waiting and seeing, stay in. And that's as simple as it is. You can't wait being like, I'll get them eventually because you might not. And then you're going to be bitter and upset about it. Yeah. And that's not to say that there aren't shitty people out there who like string a bunch of people along being like, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm still trying to figure this out. And like lead those people on no totally we're not saying

that doesn't exist but if you're willing to like if you want to stick around you need to be well like ready for that possibility right it needs to be okay by you that it might not become a relationship if you're only sticking around because you think it's going to be or like whatever like sure you can want it to be but you need to be realistic with yourself and know that like that's the risk you're taking by staying like they've told you what they want and that might never change so if you're okay with that cool if you're not don't do it yeah and don't make excuses for people in the hopes that like what's happening isn't actually you know what i mean one of those things where it's like if they spend most of their time with another woman and then like you know only occasionally see you yeah

it's like you're it's kind of like he's kind of shown you his hand and been like here are my priorities and you're not really at the top of that list you gotta base base shit around the evidence you have but also just like if you're making a choice you gotta be okay with it going well or going badly yeah and like you you always have and it's uh it always sucks to be like i'm interested in this person and they're not that interested in me or like their level of interest doesn't match mine that fucking sucks yep and so you can either choose to continue to input like the same amount of commitment that you've been putting in or you can choose to like sort of match their commitment and and maybe search elsewhere for what you're actually looking for or to get out of the situation or just get out yeah like if something's not making you happy

there's no reason to continue doing it exactly um yeah just take care of yourself yeah your happiness should come first well as long as your beans come first. In Shall We Dance, you see Richard Gere is John Clark. Well, this is, thank you to Joss Eagle and the Harvest Cities for his song Paper Stars. You can reach us on fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Facebook and basically on most podcatching software by typing in fstarstar CK buddies podcast to narrow it down a little bit more. So what we're going to do now is actually read some bad sex writing because that hurt my ear. So I'm going to unplug Dane. Damn it, you're still going to be haired.

Yeah, you can't unplug me, baby. Okay, I'm going to... All Damn it You're still gonna be haired Yeah you can't unplug me baby Okay I'm gonna uh Alright let's wrap this up I'm gonna go cook his fucking beans Way ahead of time And I'm gonna throw Don't you fucking dare Alright

Are we ready for uh Yeah we're ready for war Some bad sex writing Well should we Redo the Emails and shit Cause I don't know No we'll do that again at the end.

I don't know. Okay. Let me get comfortable. Oh. Sorry, I'm trying to pick which one. I probably should have done this before. That's okay. I'll just listen to The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel, which is featured on the soundtrack.

Get the fuck out. Did you research this, you p***? By the way way we are actually this our first sponsor 2004 movie Richard Gere is a big fan of it and

he just didn't think it got enough pop okay are you giving me a are you giving me a musical background for this no okay we don't have the rights to

that then why'd you play it I'm gonna cut it out don't cut it rights to that Then why'd you play it? I'm gonna cut it out Don't cut it out Whatever Fucking sue us you 2004 bitch That's Peter Gabriel

He's kind of a big deal I'll fucking Bake his beans What up? What up Peter Gabriel We'll bake your beans What up PDP? Didn't get

Didn't think you were gonna get dunked on so hard Did ya? Straight out of T-Dot Alright Fates and Furies By Lauren Joff The party was loud She pushed him back Straight out of T-Dot. All right. Fates and Furies by Lauren Joff. The party was loud.

She pushed him back on the sandy tar paper. He was looking up at her face in the glow, and she lifted her skirt and moved the crotch of her underwear aside, and Lotto, who was always ready, who was ready at the most abstract imaginings of a girl, footprints of a sandpiper like a crotch, gallons of milk evoking boobs. It was not ready at this oh-so-abrupt beginning. It didn't matter. Gwenny shoved him in, though she was dry. He shut his eyes and thought of mangoes, split papayas, fruit tarts

and sweet and dripping with juice. And then it was off and he groaned and his whole body turned sweet. So let me just, I want to clarify some things here. One, the guy's name was Lotto? Apparently. Two, she was like, I'm going to take this soft dick and just jam it in my dry vagina. And then he was like, I'm going to think of some desserts. I'm going to think of some tropical fruits. It's funny because one of the questions I had had this week which i didn't get to was what's the most random

thing you've ever gotten hard over so i think lotto just answered that yeah mangoes uh does it i think blueberry porn is the answer to that um this person, the question had the tag fuck puberty and the description was, it just got hard thinking about ice cream. To be fair, as someone who's given up dairy, I'm pretty hard off

thinking about ice cream right now too. That's fair. I actually have a bunch at home. I'm going to go eat it. It's going to be great. Hey, fuck yourself. I will.

While eating ice cream. That's going to do us for today I think guys am I apologizing for this week I don't know I'm not sure

what happened tonight it is a new whiskey I think that's what we're going to chalk it up to well it's a whole bottle we got a whole bottle of this

we got at least three more episodes of this shit maybe two you're not even done no I'm not. If you have a question, first and foremost,

thanks for listening. Yep. Thank you very much. We appreciate it. We will endeavor to be on time this week. Yes, I will make sure that it is ready to go

right at the stroke of midnight on Monday. So you will not be left cold and alone on your Monday commute. Second, if you haven't done it already, maybe pop over to iTunes and leave us a review and rating. That would be great. And like tell your friends.

Yeah. And if you're on Reddit and you're on the podcast thing, feel free to like suggest us. I've had a bunch of people who weren't listening, finally started listening to some of the Instagram posts I'm putting up. And they were like, oh oh this is actually pretty good and then listened to a like couple episodes and they were like oh you guys are actually like you guys actually give good advice and i was like yeah we like to think so yeah we that's kind of our thing yeah um i had a close friend be like oh it wasn't super broey i was like well you know me like when am i super bro she's like i don't know i just thought i was like god damn it

yeah no I think there's I think there's this connotation that like so maybe if you if you listen and you tell people like kind of nudge them in the direction that like

we're not like pick up boys you know what I mean we're actually trying to like get you a healthy fucking bean supply

yeah yeah just like maybe tell them to skip this episode like if we're shit let us know and if we're not shit let your friends know yeah and like it's if you like an episode um you can always pop over to our pod bean site which i'll post up on the facebook group um and you can like link directly to that also i'm pretty sure i have it set up where all of our episodes are going up on the youtube now so if you uh if you like an episode and you want to be like, this is easier than going out to iTunes and downloading a fucking podcast.

Because a lot of people, I had a bunch of people just be like, I don't know how podcasts work, which is fair. That's fair. It took a while. So there are different options if you really want to help us out. Yeah. And please do. Yeah. It's super appreciated.

And the people that have been sharing us and talking about um yeah it's super appreciated and uh and the people that have been sharing us and talking about us are all the best you're the best we love you yeah um if you have a question and you want it to be answered by us um or whatever the fuck happened today um you can send it to us at f buddies podcast at gmail.com. You can hit us up on Twitter if you don't mind the entire world seeing it. At fck underscore buddies. Or even if you just want to say hello. Or share our tweets. Yeah.

Or help us badger Travis McElroy to listen to our podcast. I need to send that boy another badger. And then if you want to join us on Facebook, we usually post supplemental little things based on our podcast. If you enjoyed the horse question last week, there's a little nugget on Facebook for you. Yeah, there's a little video that you can go and enjoy based on that. It's called The Pony Zone. Is it actually? Yeah.

Oh, boy. Well, they talk about a lot in that, which is also the name of our dnd group yeah dnd podcast you can uh you can also find that uh group at facebook.com slash fck buddies podcast thank you josh eagle and the harvest city's first song paper stars and again because i already said all this shit i don't think you did. Last but not least, Dan has a little nugget of wisdom for us. Every week, Niall reads a tweet or an article or just some other piece of shit that our mortal enemy Dan has written. You know what, guys? He still hasn't posted this entire year.

I think. Should we see if he's okay? Yeah, maybe. posted this entire year i think should we see if he's okay yeah maybe maybe i'll post him later just say you okay hon but like as of this moment considering these are now officially not a renewable resource we every time i read a dad tweet that's one less tweet we can read on this podcast for good we're running out officially it's become a non-renewable resource 2019 dragon dandruff dragon i was gonna say drandrout drandrout but i meant dandruff well okay dan posts up about holding on to a woman who doesn't want you i can only assume he means that literally and literally everyone

thank you for listening I am 2004 smash it shall we dance and I am a surplus of beans where are your fuck buddies seriously go watch the movie it's great I know