F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 190 - James McAvoy Strikes Back

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

This episode contains a revelation that will absolutely make you see hell.  Topics include marrying the wrong royalty, choosing who takes your virginity, embracing your past and sharing it with your partner, a new red flag litmus test, James McAvoy is back at it again and, as always, more Tindies.

I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and when I'm trusting, I love you. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And my name is Niall Spain. We are your fuck buddies. I was being charismatic and you turned into a robot.

We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations, turn them into sexy, sticky situations. You kind of sound like a robot. I was just matching your energy because I didn't want you to be by yourself in there, you know. Bloop, bloop. Simply put, we're a six-day advice podcast. We take questions either online, we find, you know,

we scour the internet, we find them, we wrangle them, and we drag them back to present them to you, or we get sent them in by our wonderful listeners. We're like cats. We find, you know, we kill a bird, we kill something, and then we bring its cold dead carcass, and I'm like, look, we love you something and then we bring its cold dead carcass and like look

we love you yeah we bring you little gifts we hide them in your shoes and then we throw up on your socks can we just talk about i know this is a sex and dating based podcast has nothing to do with cats but i'm on the show so it has something to do with cats why do cats whenever they have to throw up find like literally like go into seeking target mode and find the worst thing to throw up on. Cause it's an opportunity. They don't want to waste it. I guess every, every, every puke is a possibility. Imagine if humans were like that. And I feel like there are some humans that are like that, but like, imagine if like the second you start feeling sick, you're like, okay, I know the toilet is over there and And I know worst case scenario, the sink is there as well.

But maybe I'm going to throw up in this microwave. Yeah. I once was in a taxi with two girls and one of the girls needed to puke. So she reached past her purse and picked up the other girl's purse and puked in it. I was like, you like one person, terrible place to puke to you have your own. She was not happy. That's self-preservation right there at its finest. Cold.

That's cold. Speaking of cold, let's hit the questions. Because we need to keep the lights on in this place. And the heat running. And the heat, most specifically, in summer. This is Troll Ray 00000454. I married a princess. All right. This better be literal. I married a princess.

This better be literal. I, third-year-old male, married my wife, 26-year-old female, a few years ago. We dated for eight months, and I was certain I wanted to marry her. We had a quick engagement. Almost at once, she devolved from a queen, independent, self-controlled, responsibility for her own mistakes, doesn't freak out when disaster strikes, to a princess, dependent, emotional, screams at me, won't lift a finger if she can make me do it instead. First I was confused. Then I was horrified when she quit working because I don't like driving stick shift. We were destitute. I fought through it. I was determined to love the real her. I made it work for the past few years. There have been ugly moments. I'm determined never to have kids with her, but I'm also committed to the relationship.

I believe divorce should be the last option. I'm getting struggled with depression, hopefully unrelated to her. She recently self-diagnosed as mildly autistic. And this is the thing that brings me here. The other day, she openly bragged to a friend. Yeah, I'm a princess. I know we didn't want to marry a princess, so I hid it from him until we were married. This felt like a punch in the gut. I didn't make a mistake and misread her nature.

She deliberately misled me. I didn't say anything at the time, but it's been chewing me up inside. Couples counseling seems imperative now, but I'm not sure how to start that. How do I express my concerns and intentions? How do I separate my depression from my frustrations? Should I seek treatment for my depression first and go to counseling once I've improved? What do I do next? Oh boy, there is a laundry list of things that you've got to do here, friend.

I mean, look, you said divorce was the last resort. You didn't want to do it willy nilly. But I think once you've gotten to the point of being absolutely broke because she refuses to work, you are in mental health shambles. And you just found out that she deliberately misled you and lied to like who she is as a person like you said that like oh i want to you know fall in love with the the real person who she really is not this not this like character but it's like you just found out who she really is and that doesn't seem to be the person that you fell in love with or the person that you want to love so also like how can you love someone who's like i lied to this guy to

fuck him over to make him do something he didn't want to do to benefit myself that's not good if if someone is being that misleading about who they are as a person imagine what other little things are lying about right and we've we've said every episode probably since the time dawn of time that trust is the foundation of a relationship and you don't have that anymore. That is gone. That is so far out the window on top of all the other issues that you're dealing with. You know, the fact that you're broke, the fact that you're depressed, the fact that they're self-diagnosing themselves with, you know, pretty severe medical conditions as well. Like you can't just one day decide be like you know what i am autistic and that's why i'm doing these things because if it's true if that is something

then like they should go and get proper properly diagnosed and like properly treated yeah and figure out what that means for them and not just be like i've decided i'm autistic and i'm going to take it out on you yeah what that What that means. Obviously take the form of like, you know, therapy or counseling or like actually just being informed or, you know, because if you don't know where you're at in terms of diagnosis, you don't know where you're,

what you need to do and look out for and blah, blah, blah. I do want my advice. Yeah. Go in a time machine, go back and don't only date someone for eight fucking months before you marry them you idiot yes this person is not going to be able to fake being a fucking queen for you know

the regular amount of normal time normal people take to get married but eight months yeah people can fake shit for eight months and also let's not like let this guy off the hook entirely as well because you're not entirely innocent to you projected on this like queen and princess persona like it's also very weird that he like capitalizes them like as if he like you know as if like they took ranks in queen you know like like they're a video game and not a person. Yeah. And hey, my dude, let me tell you right now. Royalty is not. That's not something we should be striving for. Historically, if you look at the historical context of any sort of royal person, pretty much across the board, they are collectively terrible people.

So I don't know why. Lazy as fuck too. Yeah. It's like at no point in time are these people hardworking or independent. They literally have everything handed to them and then delegate every responsibility to other people. Their only claim to fame or reason they're in any sort of power is because they won the fucking genetic lottery and were born from someone. Like, you don't earn the title of queen. Unless you get a bunch of dragons and invade

westeros to be fair she was also still the next in line she was the rightful heir to the throne shut your mouth couples counseling do you want couples counseling with someone who actively wants to mislead and fuck you over for their own ease of life you know what i mean like i feel like this isn't a like oh we've kind of fallen out of our blah blah blah or like the relationship souring or like we need to fix things it's like there was nothing to fix because you never were in a good place you went from being lied to to being fucked over it all stems down to it's like this relationship is over and the only reason it's not over is because you've arbitrarily decided that you don't want to get divorced

yeah which is funny because it's like you're like oh it's a last resort but it's not over is because you've arbitrarily decided that you don't want to get divorced. Yeah, which is funny because it's like you're like, oh, it's a last resort. But it's like you were quick to get married. Why not be quick to get divorced? You know what I mean? There's a lot there. There's a lot of being like, what is your last resort? Like, okay, you go to couples counseling and they either fake their way through it or don't go or don't want to go or whatever. Or don't want to change, which clearly they don't.

Like, that's the thing. This is their whole jam. They want to be in this situation. So why would they change? They've, like, checked all the marks in their column of being like, cool, I've got a dude who's working for me. I've got a dude who's going to do everything for me. I don't have to work anymore. And this guy isn't going to, like, he doesn't have the backbone to to get out of this so like

why i'm not gonna go to couples counseling or i will and i'll just sit there because like someone wouldn't talk to their friend and brag about lying to like tricking someone into marrying them if they wanted to be married to you or if they wanted to change things like they like couples counseling only works if you both one go to listen and three work at the relationship they don't want to work they never want to work at the very least recognize that there's a problem yeah exactly so like for them counseling is gonna be a waste of time because they don't give a fuck because again this is what they want so yes for sure go get your depression treated when you do probably a lot of it will be oh yeah i'm in a miserable relationship i hate i'm poor and the person i love lied to me to get

me into this position so they can use me for my work and money and provision which again will lead us to what we're trying to say here, which is get a divorce. I mean, I think you're right. I think that, yes, first and foremost, focus on your own mental health,

your own wellbeing, go see a therapist because I can almost guarantee you they will help, or at least I hope they will help sort of connect the dots to the logical conclusion that this is a bad relationship that is doing bad things to you. And the only way for those bad things to stop is for you to end the relationship yeah so hopefully like that is the path that they will take and and through that path you become you know your mental health gets back on track so i think that is ultimately the right course of action because if the therapist is worth their fucking salt they will hopefully help you rationalize getting a divorce.

I don't think we would be so gung-ho for divorce if it was, you know, a marriage that over time something changed or degenerated somewhat or blah, blah, blah. But it's like you were never there. This person actively manipulated you and lied to you to get you into this position and is gleeful about that. There is no fixing that marriage counseling as you said only works if or like any sort of relationship counseling only

works if like someone recognizes there's a problem and then wants to rectify it but this person doesn't you know they don't see that this is a problem they've done a good job in their eyes and they don't want to change it as now said so yeah i think refocusing on yourself instead of the relationship will be beneficial in the long run yeah and finding a new relationship where you're not being taken advantage of and yelled at and abused and shit like yeah that's what you need this comes from a red throwaway account. Who do I pick to take my virginity? Late bloomer male, 23 years old. I've matched online with two women who explicitly asked me for sex.

I'm serious about both. So I did tell them I'm a virgin. One is age 38. The other is 21. Now, this is my first time. I don't want to have a terribly embarrassing encounter. At the same time, I want it to be enjoyable for me and whoever I end up picking. Who do I pick? And that's

it? Just the ages? Yep. Wow. Well, I'm glad they made this an easy decision for us. I mean, I know. In my mind, go with the older person because they're going to hopefully be more empathetic, hopefully been around the block more, and if it goes badly, they won't know

how to make a TikTok about your awful performance. Right? Right? Which, for a 21-year-old, when you bomb, you're going to be the next trending sound on TikTok. Yeah. Oh, no! Wait, who sent you that clip of me?

Oh, no! There you go. I did it again. Twice. Make that a TikTok song, y'all. Blow it up. Oh, no. Yeah, just like just like that yeah that's my one um so i brought this question because i think it's i do kind of want to like help and give an

actual answer in the way that you did because i also agree i think that like if if this is the information we give or we've we've been given i think the 38 year old they're like hyper they're going to be far more aware that you're a virgin and they're going to remember what that's like as opposed to a 21 year old where like i feel like the the idea of being a virgin is still like embarrassing or like taboo or whatever whereas like i don't like the the concept of virginity to me as a 34 year old man like fuck it it means nothing there's no you know there's nothing there and hopefully this 38 year old is also on the same page just being like whatever and might actually

be interested in sort of like nurturing and and giving you a positive sexual experience a first time sexual experience of being like oh okay you don't worry about if you're not getting hard right away and like i'll show you how to put the condom on and, you know, guide you through a bunch of stuff. And like, maybe she'll even be like, okay,

you're going to go down on me now. And she'll give you pointers on how to do like, there's a lot of opportunity to be with someone who's more experienced and someone who might actually be interested in fostering your sexual education as well. Whereas I feel like a 21 year old just wants to fuck yeah i feel like there's the possibility and of course none of this might be true but the possibility of being like more mature more emotionally intelligent more kind empathetic and like

experienced and all those things are going to be good and on top of that it's like you're probably not going to pursue a relationship with someone who's, you know, a fair bit older than you. So it goes poorly. Fuck it. They're not going to know people running in the same circle as you. So they're not going to like bad mouth you to anybody. Then if it goes well, you can call up the 21 year old.

Now here's, here's my, my suggestion. Why not both? Well, yeah. If it's like one after another right like if if both these people are trying to hook up with you there's literally nothing saying that you can't sleep with both

of them now the question is who do i choose to take my virginity so he never said he wasn't that's true i think you take the skills you learn from the older lady and then you implement them on the younger lady yes i i think that is that is a course of action now you fucking both moving forward i will say the reason i brought this was again to reiterate that like virginity is a construct the idea of of virginity is as like something to be lost is is bullshit but i I feel like this person isn't necessarily obsessed with like, Oh, once I have,

once I've lost my virginity, something, a part of me is lost. It seems more like I want to do a good job, but I wanted to just, you know, throw that out there because you can't say it enough. Oh yeah,

no, for sure. It's good that this person seems to be like positive about the situation and just in the happy situation where they have options and they just don't know where to go and i will also say on the flip side of things don't have sex with like i don't know why you haven't had sex yet but don't just have sex because it's now on the table if you're not ready to have sex then continue waiting if you are ready to have sex that's fine great i feel like a lot of people jump into sexual relationships especially dudes

as like the age ticks up at the first opportunity they get because the sexual experience is going to be so much worse than no sexual experience exactly but on on top of that it's like we were given basically no fucking information here so it's like you know there could be so many more things that would make your decision for you that we're not privy to and it's like if you aren't really into one of these women don't choose one just because you think it might be better for reasons if you're into someone go for them if you're more attracted to one you know what what I mean? Like, there are so many things, if one of them's nicer, like, what

if the 21-year-old's super nice, but the other one you think, oh, because they're older, it'll be a better experience, because, you know, they know more. Go with the person that's nice to you. There are so many things there, we can only speak on the one very vague, very unhelpful piece of information we were given. I don't understand

why there isn't like it doesn't seem to see that he's also been on any dates with these people it seems to just be contact on apps so like go on a date with them get a feeling for them because like you we're using arbitrary information being like the 34 38 year old hopefully they're cool and mature and whatever but like they also might not be some people fucking suck no matter what age they are you might meet them and they might just really be creepy and just be like, just, you know, hyper fixated on the fact that you're a virgin. And that might be like a weird kink that they might have. Or like, you know, I know it's more prevalent when women are on online dating, but it's like your safety is still paramount.

So it's like, yeah, meet them in a public space, grab a drink at the very least before and then if you're not into their vibes if they're wildly different to how they presented themselves on their dating profile if they're weird if you feel uncomfortable then you can like gracefully leave when there are people around and it's safe to do so as opposed to you know being in their fucking home and having a far less kind of like possibilities of getting out yeah i mean probably you know that she's married and cheating on her husband and you're gonna go over to their house and like there's gonna be a dude with a fucking shotgun who finally caught his wife cheating on him you know i mean like you you don't know the situation so like i really do suggest that you don't just like jump into a sexual relationship with anyone um especially

not for the first time so i i would say yeah meet up with a drink and and like chat with them and actually have a date with them to see if there is some sort of compatibility because like like i said just because there's an opportunity to have sex doesn't mean it's a good opportunity yeah especially not without like doing your due diligence and making sure your bases are covered so So, you know, be safe. Have fun. Hopefully it goes well. Yeah, good luck. And next time, give us more fucking information. This is by LegitimateCoach5520.

I have a secret. I, 30-year-old female, just started dating an amazing, successful, loving, caring 28-year-old male. He's everything I look for in a man, and things have been going so great. I'm so happy. But I have a secret. Hmm. I was an exotic dancer for six years prior to meeting him i've been out of the game for almost two years and i'm a completely different person i used to be i made a great living and set up a beautiful life for myself from dancing and then got out i now have a career own a boutique and own a home in the bay

area and live a very comfortable life guy i talked to has all the same but he owns a strip club i wanted to give him the chance to get to know the real me without the prejudgment of thinking I'm a gold digger, ex-prostitute, or any other stereotypes about strippers. I really want to take this to the grave with me, but I'm worried that when I go to a strip club, the girls will recognize me and call me by my dance name or one of his friends will recognize me. What should I do? Am I wrong for wanting to hold out the secret and just let them get to know me for me? I mean, I guess I don't know how the dancing situation works in is this san francisco is that the bay area that is right i believe so i mean one fuck it you bought a house in san francisco that's fucking crazy good for you and if anyone has any bullshit to say about

what you did to earn that money they can go fuck themselves because you own property in your 30s i understand your concern about like the judgment that comes along with anything in the sex industry but there also seems like you also seem to have it as well of being like you know you want to take it to your grave like i would would understand, or like, like I said, I do understand your hesitancy to share the information because you know, all it takes is someone to sort of like start saying stupid shit. And it's enough. We still live in a society where that's enough to discredit a woman, which really sucks. But at the same time, I don't see why if you really like this person and you think they're a cool person and they're loving and caring and compassionate, I don't see why you should have to hide it. It's a part of your life.

It's something that sets you up for incredible success and an incredible amount of accomplishments owning your own business, owning your own home. Like all those things are, are incredibly impressive. And if dancing was the way you accomplish that, there's nothing to be ashamed about that for sure and the thing is it's like you know in any other circumstance if it was like oh this is a wall street banker blah blah blah it's like yeah maybe there's more of a possibility of him being oblivious ignorant and kind of like unaware enough to take that information badly this guy owns a fucking strip club if he is going to take that shitty you need to know

because if he literally is like founded his fucking career off the backs of these people and thinks they're you know thinks less of them as a result of that that he's a fucking scumbag and you don't want to be dating him you know what i mean it's like of anybody he should be the person to to understand the most and it's like if he isn't then do you really want to be with someone who looks down on people who've done these things all while making him a shit ton of money yeah and like i guess i was gonna say like you know if if the possibility of you running into people that that you guys have like mutual connections with that also know of your dancing history like surely at some point

in time you guys would have crossed paths as well yeah possibly maybe i don't know i but like i was gonna say it's like you know chances are if they know you he knows you but i understand that like most strip clubs operate on a like rental situation or like rent or like a time slot rental thing so it's like you pay for your slot to go. So like you don't necessarily work at one club. And I assume that's the concern is that like, you know, someone who used to dance at the same clubs as you did might be working at his clubs now and would recognize you. Yeah.

But no, I think as now said a very good point. Yeah. If he's going to be like, oh, gross, you danced. I can't believe I'm dating someone who's that disgusting. It's like, cool, those are your employees, and those are the people who are making you your money. And if you think of them as less than human, then I'm out. Yeah, and that's the thing.

It might suck that this relationship ends, but one, you seem good by yourself no matter what, so that's great. And two, better to learn that he fucking sucks early on than to you know bury the secret deep down and like when it comes out the longer it's hidden the worse it's going to be kind of thing so it's like and the less time you waste with him yeah exactly if it comes out now and it goes poorly you get to learn he's a shithead early on and you get to set yourself up for success because if he is cool about it the sooner he knows the better it's going to be right i don't think anyone is going to appreciate being like oh you actively

hit this for me for like two years because you know you thought i was going to freak out like that kind of sucks i don't know i feel like it's the more natural and like soon it comes out the better for everybody and better for you because you're not going to waste time yep exactly so tell him hopefully he is you know a good person and if he isn't then you've done yourself a favor and you've gotten out well the going is good uh this comes from evie mao a guy i'm dating said dot dot dot i got my first model gig but it was nude i told the guy i'm dating about it been dating for a few months just via chit chat on the phone regarding what's been going on. His response was, I'll come with you,

drive you there and look after you for the day. But I expect 35% of the daily rate. Do you agree that this is a bit controlling or is it just me? He also used an analogy that he wouldn't leave a Porsche unlocked in the middle of the city. When I mentioned going out for some drinks with friends, he wouldn't be able to take me seriously if I did this and that there would be consequences. These are red flags, right?

So many red flags. It makes me laugh every time I read these questions where people are like, hey, the person I'm dating just said consequences to me. Yeah, he reads kind of like a script from a villain in a bad movie. Is this bad? i feel like this needs to be the litmus test that we now use to determine if something's a red flag like imagine you are a character in a movie and the person you're trying to figure out if they're doing

red flags now imagine if you were watching said movie and the boyfriend of the you know the hero of the story walks out and says hey if you go for drinks with your friends there will be consequences and be like hey is that a cool thing to say yeah and you like because when you say that i can hear the music getting darker you know i can hear like the ominous like like it's not good. The lighting goes down. There's red now all of a sudden. It's zooming in on his face very quickly. Oh no. So quickly.

It's too quick, man. Hey, we don't use zooms anymore, dude. This isn't the 80s. I'm going to fire this camera, man. Yeah, I know. Also, comparing you to an unlocked car is not flattering or cool. It's also what, like, creepy people, like, say about, like, women who've been assaulted.

It's like, well, if you leave the bank unlocked, can you be annoyed at me for running in and taking bags of cash? It's like, yeah. Can't be angry at a shark for eating the meat. Yeah, like, that's, you're not a car. And even if you were, that wouldn't give, like. You're also not his property to be stolen. Exactly, exactly. Also, he's trying to extort you for money.

Is he your pimp now as well? I need 35% to keep you safe. Here's the thing. When I first read this question, I was like, okay, when I was in the acting game and I was, you know, still dating someone who was also acting and auditioning, there would be times where we would get auditions and we would be like outside you know what i mean so like if and we she would you know text me and let me know that like everything's good everything seems fine if it was particularly like we went to one where it was like a dude casting for his like very small movie in like the the room of his condo like the you know the room you can rent out in condo buildings and stuff like the the meeting room or whatever and i was was like, okay, well I'm going to go up with you because God only knows, like all it takes is like two dudes to grab you and drag you into,

as you get out of the elevator into a room. Right. So I was like, I'll go up with you. And like, you know, I think it's a pretty common thing, especially when you're young and just starting into the industry to have

people you care about go with you to protect you so like that's not a red flag i don't think the fact at no point in time he was like i'll charge you yeah i was like okay it's like i was on board with the question and i wasn't really sure what was going but i didn't think it was going to go to negative city and then all of a sudden he's a shithead pimp and she's a car and that's not good. Yeah. It's like to then ask for, you know,

presumably again, I don't know if she has an agent. I don't know how she got the job, but like with an agent and a manager, especially if this is the States, cause like in Canada you have an agent in the States, usually have an agent and a manager. So that's like 25% right there. Plus this guy's going to take 35%.

So like you're walking around with 40% for a nude modeling gig that fucking sucks that's a terrible percentage and he's basically making the exact same as you just for doing nothing yeah um no this is fucked up this guy sucks uh like the threats reducing you to a mere object that he has

possession over uh the like inherent slut shaming I guess with the unlocked car reference the fucking trying to extort you for money no this is all awful and like we talk about all the time like the two big things that psychotic sociopaths try to do is cut you off from money and cut you off from friends and like those are the two things he's trying to do he's trying to like actively weasel his way into your income to reduce it and probably try to make you feel like you can't do any job without him coming along to protect you and also

and he's now being like oh if you go with your friends they'll be consequent like what does that mean what kind of consequences that's terrible like physical is he physically threatening to hurt you is he gonna you know put your hamster in the microwave like what the fuck does that mean what are consequences and the thing is consequences are never good no he's not like if you go well don't be fucking consequences i'm gonna cook you dinner when you get Yeah, you just let me know when you're 15 minutes away, and I'll order you A&W, so it's here by the time you get home. Nice hot burger for you.

Look what you've done. What have you made me do? I made you mac and cheese. Run. That's it. That's the answer, is run. Like I said, we need to start determining whether things are red flags or not by imagining you're in a movie and the things that someone just said to you

were said to like by another character to the hero. And if it would seem either comically laughable or incredibly threatening, it's probably red flag. Yeah. All right. You ready for a, maybe a little jog down memory lane? Maybe?

Maybe not. This is tricky.micky. Where the fuck are the condoms? I, 25 year old female, have been casually dating this guy, 25 year old male, for about two months. As far as I know, we aren't seeing other people and he's mentioned he has deleted all dating apps. Now when we have sex, he's very adamant about wearing condoms, even though I have an IUD, which I fully respect. We all have boundaries. That's not the issue. My worry is,

he will finish in the condom, then go to clean up his business, as they do, and then the condom disappears? I expect it to be in my trash, so I went to empty it after he left the next day, and found it empty. I found it weird, but didn't think twice about it he's been to my house three or four times now we've probably been through an entire pack of condoms and they are nowhere to be found when he leaves i hope he's not flushing them down toilet but i don't know how to bring it up to him i don't want to embarrass him does anyone know what the fuck is going on i mean he's probably flushing them down the toilet i mean there is a very good chance he's putting them in his pocket and saving them and it's kicking them home but like most likely he probably hasn't learned the lesson of like don't flush condoms

on the toilet and yes now continue i'm just saying the easy way to broach this is be like you know just tell him be like oh hey um just double checking my i had to get a plumber and fix my toilet got really clogged i just want to make sure you're not flushing condoms on the toilet do you mind just throwing them in the garbage so that you know it doesn't fuck up the pipes yeah before we get to that question one are you sleeping with james mcavoy it's very true what if it's a james mcavoy cum box too nile nile how are you gonna know the man is a master actor fuck you're right unless he wanted you to know that he's james mcavoy you would have no idea that it was james mcavoy it's true but what if we've had

another james mcavoy con box someone won james mcavoy once hired a james mcavoy look-alike and went as james mcavoy's girlfriend to like family thanksgiving i understand he's i'm pretty sure he's british and they don't do thanksgiving that's how much of a con he had going he convinced them that thanksgiving was british he convinced them his entire family that they were american um wasn't the whole thing for that question that someone was storing a lot of cum to do a very ill-advised prank by covering someone's car and cum. I literally don't remember if that was the same question or if we made that assumption or. No, I think we had an update and it was literally that all the sorority girls were stealing the condoms to to coat a car and cum.

See, I feel like there were two different questions. I feel like there was. I don't know either i don't remember we we say a lot of things and it's been so long that i can't remember what what's the joke and what i i do remember us specifically being like don't use come as a as like a carry dropping pig's blood on someone moment because that is super unsafe yeah that's sexual assault um i'm pretty sure it's the same question okay if someone out there knows and wants to message us i would be so proud of you if you can actually remember or if you are

arsed enough to go dig back through the questions uh yeah i feel like you could just ask him if you're just like hey i noticed there was no condom in the trash the other day when you left i just want to make sure you're not flushing them down the toilet. Yeah. And like, that's pretty easy. I don't see why he would take them necessarily. A lot of people in the comments seem to think that he's worried of her baby trapping him. Right. With the condoms. And then they get into a really weird thing I'm going to talk about right now. Have you ever heard the old hot sauce trick?

Hot sauce trick. Apparently it is a commonly employed stratagem where you take hot sauce to someone's house and you dump hot sauce in the condom when you're done with it because the acidity of the hot sauce not only kills the sperm, but then I guess is a deterrent when someone tries to scoop it out and put them inside themselves to get pregnant. I mean, I believe the second part more than I believe the first part because i imagine putting hot sauce in your vagina probably is an unpleasant experience now i don't think hot sauce works as a incredibly potent spermicide yeah but guess again hey i don't know i'm not a scientist so so many people are like oh yeah that whole thing

wild and apparently drake did this to someone and she suffered an injury as a result. Because she tried to baby trap him. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't also be surprised if Drake was just like, yo girl, my dick is fire. I'm going to put hot sauce on and then have sex with you. Maybe. And then was like, no man, she was trying to baby trap me. I didn't try to use hot sauce as lube.

He is a shithead. So yeah. Yeah. That was just a weird detour in the comments. I was like, oh, this just keeps going. trying to baby trap me i didn't try to use hot sauce as lube he is a shithead so yeah yeah that was just a weird detour in the comments i was like oh this just keeps going and everyone apparently seems seems up on the old hot hot sauce trick which i didn't know so yeah i like the thing is i don't think i've ever slept with someone who i thought would be so malicious that they would attempt to scoop old semen out of a condom and impregnate themselves with it yeah i also am pretty sure there's very little chance of that happening ever let alone

after 10 minutes or 20 minutes or however long it takes them to sneak into the bathroom and find the condom in the bin yeah i don't understand what kind of level of either distrust, fear, or arrogance would lead you to believe that someone wants a baby with you that badly. Imagine how concerning it would be if that was your plan and you go and you're like, why is it red? Yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe it's just the coloring of the hot sauce. It's like, nah, I'll wait for non-bloody semen. Yeah, no thank you. Is that scotch bonnet, though?

No. We've done it. That might be the most disgusting thing we've said in this podcast. Oh, there's no way that's the most disgusting thing. There's no way. Hey, how about this advice? If you think someone's trying to do this to you, maybe don't sleep with them in general. Yeah.

If you think that someone is crazy enough to fucking try to scoop, you know, do a little semen scoop from you. If you think that that is a valid possibility that you have to bring a condiment to your sexual endeavors. Yeah. Then perhaps this isn't something you should be sleeping with. Yeah, For real. And if you actually believe this for like you know

just out of general fear and like they've never done anything to make you believe that then maybe you do need to see a therapist and take a minute to not have sex because that's not a normal fear. Yeah. I don't remember what the question is. Just make sure he's not flushing them down the toilet. That's it.

I don't think he's going to freak out. And hey, if he does, maybe you need to know that he's going to freak out about you asking him a simple question. I mean, yeah, just time it so that when he goes to the bathroom, you go right in after him. And if that's a good way to notice, be like, oh, hey, notice there was nothing in the garbage can. I have old pipes like this is an old building I just want to make sure you're not flushing it because these things get fucked up real easy also like it's just going to be a

shitty day when your landlord has to come scoop old condoms out of your toilet I ever tell you about the time the idiot upstairs hit a baby and was flushing diapers down the toilet to a point where my apartment flooded with old shitty diaper water.

Damn. Was there hot sauce in them? No. Thankfully, I don't think anyone was trying to... Someone really didn't understand what baby trapping is. He baby trapped you. I don't think I've ever been so angry at someone's

own stupidity, like someone else's stupidity. That's wildly dumb. How do you have a child and not know that basic thing? Hey, I feel like that's probably how he got a kid. Maybe. Being that fucking stupid. Yeah, probably forgot his hot sauce. Yeah.

You idiot. Or we got one more. You know what? I'm going to hit you with one more, just because it's not really a question, but it's a fun trend I'm seeing lately. I feel like I'm watching the real-time dissolution of seduction

because, do you remember I brought you the question a while ago that's like, wait a minute, my friends don't know game, but they're happy. Now, this question keeps popping up every two minutes. We got another one here. Why do most guys not need to do any of this stuff to find relationships with women? My circle is made of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Most of the men I know have relationships. They're attractive women who seem to be into them. They're happy. I tried to watch from the sidelines to see the great personalities they must have, but none of them are funny. And none of them have anything interesting going in their lives. If they're ever funny, it's when they recount some joke they heard from Netflix. Most of them stand there with dead-eyed expressions and make small talk.

That's it. They have no charisma and they aren't push-pulling or talking about emotions or anything. That's just one paragraph. One, this is his friends, I guess. It's like, damn, you really hate your friends, I guess. Man, imagine being like, yo, here are these people that are meant they're supposed to be like you know a second family to me and i think they're uncharismatic zombie men yeah they're idiots he also says they're normal boring chubby guys whose main hobby is watching some sport on tv maybe the

reason you don't have a relationship is because you suck i assume like this can't be his friends you know what i mean like this has got to be him projecting onto, like, he's at a bar and he sees a dude that isn't, you know, Chad McChatterson. Well, he says, my circle and extended circle. I mean, I'm just, I'm trying to live in a world where this isn't reality.

Most of the women I see with them are on a level I'd never even hoped to match with on an app. Or probably not talk to me for more than five seconds. Despite the fact I go to the gym a lot, I'm in much better shape than them all actually have interests, et cetera. My entire dating life consists of going to first dates with fours. And it seems the average guy is doing much better with no effort while

doing everything wrong. And look, I'll give a little bit of creases again, as a bartender, I see there are times where like dudes will come in and I'll overhear the date. And I'm just like, how, how did you get here? Because it is, there are times where it is quite bewildering where I'm not going to judge you know physical characteristics or whatever but like i've listened to people's conversations and just be like where how did you

meet how did you meet where did you like how did this happen how did anyone agree to spend any amount of time with you i think one it's very funny that these posts keep popping up on seduction almost constantly and it's like they're so close they're so close to realizing that all this bullshit is not working damn he didn't push paula and send her on an emotional roller coaster before shoving a jacket over her head and sweating on her it's like yeah gosh i wonder how he did it and so i do find that funny but too it's like your bitterness and your shittiness is coming through i can sense it from from here. And that's like, if I can sense it on one post you made in the internet, pretty sure the women you meet can. You know, the fours

that you go on dates with. Don't be a shithead. If you've gotten a date with someone and then all of a sudden you sit down and you're just like, another fucking four. I'm sure you're a real fucking joy to be around. It'd be like me going into a meeting at work at fucking 10 AM on a Monday.

I like, I gotta go. I gotta be there, but I don't want to be. And I, and I'm not exactly Mr. Fucking fun when I'm there either. Like I'm there to get it to,

to absorb what could have been a fucking, you know, two paragraph email and then go home and be annoyed for the rest of the day. But like, if that's the energy you're bringing to dates yeah no wonder you're not successful dude if you're going in being like this is a four which is below average which is not what i deserve then like yeah people are gonna pick up on that energy because you're probably rolling your eyes and like checking your watch and being like when's the time where i get to like try to get you home and have,

you know, mediocre sex with you. Also like if you're not attracted to people, don't fucking dates with them. Don't go on dates with them. Yeah. All right. Tindy time.

Tindy time. Speaking of online dating, uh, at the end of the episode, we like to jump onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, uh, comb through profile,

see what works, see what doesn't work. Try to find those red flags that everyone seems to have a very hard time discerning. And we tell you what works, what doesn't work, in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Hell yeah. Ready for Jess? I'm ready for Jess, sure.

Not interested in reading or hearing about your sexual desires, wants, and needs from your profile or within the first five minutes of chatting. There's more to relationships than sex. I feel as though you can only gauge sexual compatibility based on an in-person connection. Johnny Bravo's to the left. You know, I kind of feel

it's definitely someone who's probably been on online dating for a little too long. I imagine there's a lot of dudes' profiles who are, you know, the pussy licker man or whatever the fuck his name was. Do you remember what I'm talking about? Oh, I do. Muff Muncher or whatever the fuck his name was do you remember what i'm talking about oh i do muff muncher whatever the hell's coochie gobbler was a coochie gobbler it might have been that actually which is honestly the worst one that i said just there

it's like you know i i imagine it is probably quite exhausting the only downside to this is there's no personality in who you are all you've done is tell you tell us like this profile or this platform is terrible in terms of cultivating a you know fun atmosphere i don't know anything about you no it's it's very negative and that's like while i understand that online dating sucks for a lot of people especially women it's like you just seem very negative and also like maybe you just don't like sex much i don't know and hey look any guy who's gonna hit you with this shit right off the bat isn't gonna listen to this warning no no so like you'll just have to be very liberal in your use of unmatching and blocking and hope that the people like i don't know you put out a vibe like a different vibe of like what

you're looking for as opposed to what you're not looking for and what you hate about the platform because like just like unmatched the people who do that shit like you don't need to tell them in advance because as dayton said they're not gonna listen yeah you know like dude dudes know this isn't the right thing to do now my worry is that she you know isn't necessarily specific she's like i don't want to hear about your sexual wants or whatever from your profile and i'm worried that she's being turned off by people who are like clear about what they want in terms of like the relationship they're looking for which is generally something we worry quite highly on profiles if they're clear and respectful right so my fear is that that's also on her list you know

and it's like being open with your sexual way you know what you're looking for sexually is is good so it's like that's just my fear it's probably just people who are like i want to come on you yeah i want you to sit on my face uh yeah i'm gonna give this a i'm to give this a three because it's not like, I don't think you're particularly showing red flags, but I think your profile isn't going to do you any favors. I don't think there's anything good there, but

you're not a one or a two. You know what I mean? You're not outright offending me. How about now? Don't be a shithead. I mean, same profile, different energy and brevity is the soul of wit. So unfortunately, like, you know, I agree. Yes, don't be a shithead on dating, but it's not a good profile. So I'm getting another three.

It's yeah, three. This is Julia. Not athletic, but good with balls. Fun fact. I've never been on a boat. Okay, that's funny. It's an interesting conversation starter. Athletic, but good with balls. Fun fact, I've never been on a boat. Okay. That's funny. It's an interesting conversation starter.

A glimmer of humor and a little sexuality. I'll give it a seven. Yeah, I'm going to give it a six because I think they're really fishing for that boat life. Because for whatever reason, women in Toronto live and die on the summer, whether or not they can get on a boat. I was figuring that we'd just, you know, do a little boat trip to the island. You and me? Oh, well, hey, we should.

We should. This is Sarah. Interests include, in no particular order, sad girl music, annoyingly iced coffee orders, bullying men, Call of Duty but only zombies, murder shows, pugs, books about, like, wizard vampire queens, tequila, Seinfeld, and leaving my clothes all over the floor. You know, I don't hate it.

I was a little, like, eh, bullying, man. But then I'm like, I'm also kind of into that. You know what I mean? Like, as long as it's not mean-spirited and you're not going after, like, you know, dudes who aren't doing anything. But if you're bullying dudes who are, like, fucking sed fucking seduction bros yeah that is kind of half the show right like if you're just going up to a dude who's a little you know overweight you're like hey fatty then like no i'm not that's not the vibe but if you're bullying the guys who are sending you crude messages on tinder within three seconds absolutely i'm there for it. And I think that's more,

if I'm going to, if I'm going to make a judgment call based on everything else in the profile, I'm going to assume that's the vibe she's going for. So I'm going to give this a seven. Yeah. I do find books about like wizard vampire Queens, a very charming sentence.

Yeah. I'll give it a, did you do seven? Cause I was going to say seven. Yeah. Well, I you do seven because i was gonna say seven yeah well i'll do seven as well just again that there's the possibility for shittiness um this is morgan hey i'm down for hookup 24 7 i'm willing to give you the best erotic sex to make you see hell when i'm in bed with you babe add me and then there's snapchat to see hell yeah that's not good i assume this is a bot because it is it does have strong butt energy strong body energy but i just fucking love the

idea of being like i'm gonna make you see hell it's a very terrifying thing um yeah i'm gonna give it two i'm giving it i also think it's just a bad call to be like i'm down 24 7 because like some people might take that very literally and then again i i do think this is a spam account for like the escorts like the like the fake escort accounts so yeah i'm giving it a one because because I'm almost positive this is a fake account. And also, the last thing I want to see during sex is hell. Yeah. Okay. Ready for Athena? Yeah, great name. Psych nurse.

Kind of a handful. Hmm. Hmm. Your name isn't that cool. This profile fucking sucks. You give me a bland descriptor of your job and then just a red flag. Because kind of a handful is not a good thing unless you're making like a sexy booty joke or something. I don't know.

That's exactly what I was saying. I was like, man, I was really hoping that like kind of a handful is a reference to, you know, getting a handful of booty or something because otherwise it's not good. So yeah, I agree.

This is, I'm giving this a two. Yeah. I'm going to keep giving it a two as well. Um, this, I agree. This is I'm give this a two. Yeah, I'm going to be given a two as well. This is this profile. I actually hated when I first read and then I read it correctly. So I will read it correctly. Don't talk to me unless you're a Capri Sun rising aquarium moon.

Tell me your most controversial opinion. OK, well, I like the joke because no one's a Capri Sun. Well, I mean, if you think about it, if you took a very large, hollow, metal-pointed thing... Yeah, you could puncture my skin, but there's more to a Capri Sun than the ability to be punctured. Because I am not a good, good orange drink on the inside. You don't know. Fuck. You ever impale a man and drink his juices fuck are we hey hey are we all just capri suns damn i i'm seeing hell right now

that revelation is making me see hell yeah what if it is a bunch of people with very long long straws just puncturing me and drinking my good, good orange stuff. Damn. I think we are just Capri Sons. Holy shit. Capri Sons and Capri Daughters. Have you heard the theory that almost everything is ravioli? No, but I get it.

Yeah. Now I do have red sauce inside of me so yeah okay back to the thing i'll give it a seven i'm giving it a week it's funny but like the controversial opinion thing it's an opener i guess but like i don't know yeah i i think it's a good profile i think it's enough there that like we you know we don't like the horoscope stuff. So someone actively lampooning it, it's good. I like it.

Ready for M? Yes, this is our last one. M apparently works at Eating Dead Animals at Too Yummy. I guess their job is eating dead animals and their work location is at Too Yummy. So that's a rad start.

I usually psychoanalyze people from their bios. Are you doing that now? Yes. I think often and deeply, but deliberately. I prioritize journeys over outcomes. Uninterested in small talk. I'd rather explore what your concept of self is based on. Sometimes I'm just a rascal too.

Oscillate with me. I'm hoping your hobbies have explored why you are the way you are. I'm prioritized your wellbeing, no social media, really uninterested in how many countries you visited. There's so much like in here that just like kind of sucks a lot. And it's like, it's exhausting that people think that this is interesting,

but this is an interesting vibe to have. This person is contrary to how it sounds. 33 as well. No, that sounds right. Really? I figured more like 19 just got out of like, you know,

182 show. And it's like, I prioritize journeys and other outcomes and i hate small talk talk to me about your soul and the journey of the stars there's something that happened to people our age during the pandemic where we've like they've slipped into this sort of like toxic spirituality which i think we might have mentioned we talked about briefly at one point in time of like this sort of like you know people who were really scared and felt helpless and you know didn't know what to do or how to react and so they just decided that they were way smarter than they actually are yeah and now that is their like main personality trait, because I see a lot of this in people like in the like late twenties,

mid thirties of people who now think that they are either spiritual gurus or have hit some sort of like enlightenment or way smarter than they are. And it's just like, you're not though. I do love though, that like the whole, I hate small talk thing is regularly shared by like the most basic people I have on like Instagram and it's like don't give me small talk tell me about your hopes and desires your fear of death and the star you know all this bullshit but yeah like small talk is kind of key there's a difference between smallane shit, you know what I mean? Or like bad small talk. And I get it.

On like on Tinder, I don't want to do the, hey, how's your day going? Good. How's your day going? My day's going good. What do you do? Or like I was at work. Oh, what do you do for work? Like I get that.

That is, that sucks on Tinder because you're probably doing it with like literally everyone. So give people a prompt to something that is interesting. Don't be like, i want to know what makes you you because like hey we're all fucking trying to figure that out you know what i mean like this isn't therapy i'm you know most of us are probably spending a lot of money talking to someone who's went to school for a very long time trying to figure out what makes me me but hey tell me what my favorite like what's your favorite marvel movie what's like choose any prompt at all that you are passionate about that you can have a conversation that you actually want

to have great that's how you that's how you avoid small talk don't tell people that you don't want to do small talk because there's literally nothing in this profile that i can respond to with any sort of fervor or interest i I can't be like, well, I'm time to write a fucking, you know, novel as my first message to this complete stranger as to what I think my, you know, inner workings are.

Yeah. I just, I doubt that you have anything interesting to say about that either. You know what I mean? Anyway, this profile sucks. I give it a one. Yeah,

this is going to, I think this is our only one today, which is weird, but I think it's deserved. Yeah. Uh, that's going to I think this is our only one today. Which is weird, but I think it's deserved. Yeah, that's going to do us for the show, friends. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. As we always say, it means the world to us that you chose to spend

an hour of your time hanging out with us. And hopefully you learned something. Hopefully you laughed. Maybe you cried. Maybe you're also in an existential spiral figuring out that we are, in fact, all just Capri Suns. Oh, God, I'm seeing hell again. Oh, there's that hell.

Thank you to everyone who supports us on our Patreon. If you would like to join, please do. There's no time like the present. It's going to be patreon.com forward slash fbuddies. If you have a question, head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com and click the contact page. You can also access the Patreon from there if you want to do a two-for-one situation.

Send us a question and then go support us. If you hit us at the $7 level, you get a bonus episode every month called Pillow Talk where we do a bunch

of cute things. You also get all the ones we've done for almost a year now. I guess we're coming up on that in a few months. We're creeping. Either way,

you get a whole bunch of fresh new episodes with maybe a little slightly different energy. Who knows? Can't be us. We would never know. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. Are you ready for some bad sex writing?

Yeah. It's pretty bad this week. Okay. This is a poem, or as someone put it, a poem from 1916. Nice. As the first comic puts it, a vintage incel. And this is Mario de Sal Carnero is their name.

I assume I butchered that name. Sorry if you're a descendant for more reasons than one. This is To Be a Woman. I would like to be a woman so that I could stretch out beside my friends on the bench seats in the cafes. I would like to be a woman so I could put rice powder on my face in front of everybody in the cafes. I would like to be a woman so as not to have to think about life and to meet many old men who I could ask for money. I would like to be a woman in order to spend the entire day talking about fashion and gossiping. How amusing. I would like to be a woman so as to be able to play with my breasts and arouse them in the mirror before going to bed. I would like to be a woman so as to be able to play with my breasts and arouse them in the mirror before going to bed. I would like to be a woman so I

could act suzably bewildered, something which, in a man, frankly, could not be excused. I would like to be a woman in order to have many lovers and betray them all, even my favorite. How I wish I could betray my blonde, most handsome lover with a fat, ugly, and extravagantly mannered boy. I would like to be a woman to excite those who would look at me i would like to be a woman so i could say no to myself at first i was like i don't think this is an insult thing i think this man just uh you know might really find the cafe experience just not satisfying enough quite yet well i was just like the man just wants to put on some makeup and get close to his boys. But then, you know, it's very obvious he's a jilted lover.

Obviously, the woman that he was sleeping with did bone down with a fat extravagant man. Boy, sorry. Extravagantly mannered boy. What does that mean? Is he very well mannered? Because maybe that's it. Maybe you need better manners, Mario. I'm imagining bombastic.

I'm imagining he is flamboyant and gaudy. I love it. Either way, he sounds like a lot more fun than you, Mario. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Miles Payne. And we have been your fuck buddies.