F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 192 - Slam Down Donger

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

Happy Pride Month, y'all!  I'm strongly considering changing my name to Potato.  Topics include a very steep ask, going down and throwing up, a real Stacy's mom situation, an interesting thought experiment, being jealousy with a man you're not fond of, the fine details of asking for a hook-up and, of course, a new batch of Tinders.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Milesiles Bain. And we're your fuck buddies. We're a dating and sex advice show where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we are a sex dating advice podcast where we find questions either online, roaming the wild, or get them sent in by wonderful listeners such as yourself. And we answer them. On the topics of sex and dating there it is wait for that one should we just do the spice the spiciest issue today let's do the spiciest issue today all right pick a number between one and four unless you get something to say dane i don't have anything to say i mean i think this is the first episode of pride month i believe yeah so uh happy pride it is you know we are always allies and we always celebrate our queer lgbt plus community but uh this is the the month where we where we actually acknowledge and and take a little extra time out of our days to be like we love you we

care about you we protect you We're on your side. So pick a number two, one, and four, Dane. Three. A happy pride, everybody else. Three, let's do it. This is I Need Therapy, Bruh. Boyfriend, 21-year-old male of one month asked me, 19-year-old female, to marry him

or else he'll have to leave the country. Hi, my boyfriend, 21 male, nine, 19 female, been together for less than a month. We met in university and he just graduated, but he's not from the US. His student visa expires in July. If he doesn't get this OPT, temporary employment visa and job by July,

he'll have to go back to his country. I don't know what happened, but he still didn't get his papers for some reason. We were discussing this issue yesterday and suddenly he asked me, if I don't get my OPT, would you be willing to sign some papers? I mean, he knew what that meant.

I thought he was joking at first, but he was serious. Now, he told me he assumed I'd be totally down to sign these papers, but I obviously would not be willing to sign some papers? I mean, he knew what that meant. I thought he was joking at first, but he was serious. Now, he told me he assumed I'd be totally down to sign these papers, but I obviously would not be. Now I'm confused on how to move forward. Initially, I considered marrying him, but then I realized it's completely crazier. And even crazier, he assumed I'd be ready to do it.

No questions asked. Don't know what advice I'm looking for. If you guys can provide some insight into how you view the situation, it'd be very helpful. I'm very lost and confused about how i feel if it wasn't something as potentially legally and like financially devastating as marriage then like you know you could do it yeah i'll do you a favor whatever but one you've only known the dude for a month well i guess you probably have known him for a little longer but like getting a marriage annulled and or divorced or whatever like nullified is expensive that should cost money

and if this guy turns out to be a fucking asshole he could also take half of your assets yeah and also that's assuming he even like you know wants to get it annulled then once it's happened. You know what I mean? Like people could be shitty and not go along with this, meaning more time, more effort, more headache. That's not good. And I think you're also putting yourself in legal liability if you have like a false marriage. You know what I mean? Yes, that is a crime, I believe, is like to like that is fraud if i'm not mistaken so like yes even further legal troubles of like

ice knocking on your door and being like hello you're harboring you know an illegal immigrant and you are also like you know responsible for fraudulent paperwork yeah like i don't know the ins and outs but i'm pretty sure i've seen you know tv episodes with similar plots and they have to like have x amount of pictures together and like a paper trail and proof that they like had a significant and like real relationship before the marriage was kind of like a thing well even if i've i have friends who have married like canadians who have married americans and the the process that it it's not super simple also if you're not living together it doesn't matter if you're married they

will call that out right away you need to be like living together they will ask you questions of like hey what color is your partner's toothbrush like how many shirts does he have in the closet like stupid bullshit like that or either of those i don't think it's that specific but like the toothbrush one is like that is a very common question to prove that like you are just doing it for a green card and like a bunch of things to prove that you guys live together you've spent time together the marriage is official the marriage is you know real there is like a screening process that people will come in and do and i can only imagine if they did that here in canada that it would be far more stringent so the word i'm looking for far more scrutinizing far far more scrutiny i think is the word i was looking for on the the marriage in the states considering their position

on immigration either way i think we all gotta just, don't do this, right? The only, I guess, benefit to you is you help someone out, but it's not your place to have to do that. And if you, for some reason, felt an overwhelming, burning urge to do so, we wouldn't be having this question sent in. So just don't do it. And it sucks. But even, you know what what i'd even have slightly more sympathy for the person if they were like look i realize i'm asking you something kind of insane but they were like well i'll tell you 100 do it that feels manipulative to me that feels like he's trying to downplay your reaction to it by being like wait really you

know and that itself is so shitty and a red flag that i don't think he's going to be great through the rest of the process i think the bare fucking minimum he could have done here is be like i acknowledge that this is a very very heavy ask of me yeah 100 i think this is a big ask i think it puts you in a lot of risk i think it puts you in a position where like the the return for you and i know this is supposed to be like an altruistic decision but like the there's really no upside for you other than you get to keep your one month boyfriend in the country whereas like the the con list is sort of like a in in a cartoon we know when they open up a scroll and it like hits the ground and rolls across the table and then it rolls to the floor and it keeps going out the door. Like that is the con list for all the potential things that could go wrong for you. And I think that like we need to get into a place where we don't feel like we're the

bad guy if we don't do everything everyone says and realize be like, oh, hey, this is a really, really, really bad decision for me so i'm really sorry as much as i'd like to help you out like maybe you can look into immigration lawyers because of paper if he's supposed to be getting paperwork like it because they said something about working paperwork or like work visas and stuff and it's like oh it hasn't come in it's like well did he look for a job did he get a job and that paperwork didn't come in or did he just not look for a job and was banking on the idea of because like if that's the case if he had a certain amount of time to get a job or whatever in order to get his visa and he didn't do it then sorry that's not your problem

yeah and also it's an indication on how fucking much effort he's going to put into getting your marriage annulled in the future. Right. And like, it also shows how little he wants to actually stay in the country. Yeah. Like if it's something as simple as getting a job, and I know there can be challenges with getting a job, especially as, you know, an immigrant in the country. I get it. But if if there was really no effort made to get a job, but like I said, if he did get a job and that paperwork is sort of like in limbo, I'm sure there are a ton of different agencies that you can reach out to some like immigration agencies that have,

uh, most of them I feel like are pretty like either affordable or free resources. Um, and, and seeing if there's anything you could do that way. But I think putting your entire financial stability and future as well as like, you know, your,

your criminal record on the table for someone you've known for a month not worth it also like he knows he has x amount of time left you didn't when you guys start dating so it's like part of me is a little suspicious of that even too right but anyway i don't know it's all bad and no just't do it. It's not your burden to bear. I'm sure there are like if he's from university or like if he was here on a student visa, I'm sure they have like an international office or something who can advise him. As Dane mentioned, there are immigration lawyers. There are a lot of avenues and you dating for a month and then throwing away your life and possibly getting a criminal record, etc. Not worth it. Not the way to go. Once ICE was established, a lot of advocacy groups popped up to assist in this

kind of stuff. So there are options. This is from Wheelie Birds. Advice on if it's gross to throw up while giving head? I'm a woman who loves giving head and my partner is on the larger, such longer side want a deep throat but if i have food or liquid in my stomach i gag so bad and once or twice i've thrown up around his dick is it gross that i'm able to contain and swallow it back down he was impressed that i did but i literally didn't know what else

to do as it would have been messy and more gross to not keep it contained it was just liquid but still is it gross to swallow it back again i enjoy pushing myself but this gagging is bugging me uh is it gross to swallow it i don't think so and the alternative is to just let it go because then that's a bunch of cleanup and whatnot is it gross that you're throwing up in general i think that's going to be a partner to partner thing. I could say personally, I would not enjoy that because your comfort would be high in my mind. And also I don't want someone to puke on my dick, you know, doesn't think like acid can burn.

So it's like the wrong puke. That's a sore dick. Yeah, it's, I think that's would be my first and foremost thing is I think I would have a very, very hard time, uh, My first and foremost thing is I think I would have a very, very hard time remaining aroused after someone had just thrown up on my dick out of just sheer concern.

And like I throwing up is never a fun experience for anyone. I mean, again, I'm sure there's someone out there that likes it. But for the most part, it is such a sort of like just outright garbage feeling and last thing i want to do is be like okay cool your throat's all fucked up now i'm gonna continue to fuck it um so i think i think let's not say it's partner to partner i'm sure there are some people who like you know i know there is a ton of porn that you know has people throwing up during oral sex and stuff like that so there's a market for it there's people out there who like it but um i think what it really comes down to is

knowing your limit if you don't like gagging but enjoy pushing yourself then just figure out what your limits are and yeah there's probably a fucking sweet spot in between those two yeah and like there are ways to simulate that sort of like deep throat feeling um we've talked about it before one just making hands on lips yep putting your putting your your you know your mouth as far down as you can but then have your hand wrapped around and then once you reach your limit of how far you can go. Continue to move your hand down even further. And that gives a very close simulation of, you know, finishing the movement. Things also like one of the nice things about deep throat is like sort of the sounds that go along with it. So just be a little more sloppy and be a little more vocal with your your blowjobs.

And I think that will also give the same sort of like sexual satisfaction of having like a sloppy deep throat blowjob i'm unsure as to whether this person is chill with puking or not because they're kind of just like is it hot or not like it's doesn't i don't know whether they want to stop or or not and i think like if you want to stop then just don't do it and if you don't want to necessarily stop then talk to your partner and be like hey when this happens does it gross you out like i think it's pretty cut and dry there it's like if you don't enjoy this then that should be where it ends it shouldn't be like oh but is it hot or not it's like don't put yourself through

what is not good for you in general and not enjoyable, presumably, if you don't mind it and your only concern is that you would turn off your partner and then talk to them. But like, you know, I don't think we can blanket statement say yes or no. I would probably imagine in the majority of cases it would be a no. Yeah, I think this is 100% one of those things of being like, hi, here's a situation I really like deep throating and I really like, you know, pushing myself, but you are larger, which, hey, great compliment to hear oh yeah no one's gonna be sad um and just be like if i try too hard i will throw up and if that's something that you're not cool with i will scale

it back but as nell said if it's something you're not cool with then don't even put it on the table just be like hey i really want to deep throat you but unfortunately you know my gag reflex is killing me so you know i will do my best and i think any reasonable partner would be like this is fine and you also have the beautiful situation of being like oh you're too big or whatever and it's like oh no a nice compliment like it softens the blow of the conversation again unless they suck and if they suck they shouldn't be deep throwing them anyway exactly so yeah have the chat and look after yourself all right dane picking over two one or three three three okay buckle in this one's gonna go before begin my 25 you know i'm just gonna well okay my 25 year old female best friend 25

year old male is friends with benefits with my mom. Their relationship is making me jealous. Okay, hold on. Give me the genders again. Okay, 25-year-old female best friend is 25-year-old male. Okay. The female's mom is friends with benefits with the 25-year-old male. Okay, thank you.

No worries. My BFF, Jay and I have been inseparable since 10th grade. He's the funniest, most caring, charming person I've ever met in my life. Tried to date for a while, but he flat out told me he did not want to cheat on me or ruin the friendship we had.

Cause he was not ready for monogamous relationship at the time. I was hurt. But two days after he dumped me, we became even closer. He put more effort into our friendship than he had into our relationship. He invited me to everything he went to as text and called me every day for the past 10 years, and been loyal no matter what, if I am right or wrong. He has had my back in every situation I think of. Without a doubt, he is the perfect friend. Mom had me when she was 14. She was

stereotypical, had sex the first time I got pregnant. Dad isn't involved, went to the military, and permanently moved to Asia. Despite being a teenage mom, we are very much middle class. She had her own home at 20, owns her own business as an accountant, and because she had me at 14, she's still very much in her youth and is not even 40 yet. My mom is very beautiful, constantly gets male attention when we go out, and has no problem getting a man. She recently got a BBL, which I guess is Brazilian butt lift, and breast implants, and now she looks like an Instagram model. Why she hasn't remarried, I have no clue. Now Jay and my mom are also close. He does man stuff around my mom house and basically that is his second home. My mom has helped Jay

as a business partner of two of his businesses and generally plays a big role in all the important decisions in his life. Jay works as an event promoter and interior house designer. Now Jay is an extreme extrovert. I swear on those 5,000 people. Those people everywhere we go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He has only had one serious girlfriend in his life, ended one year after dating when he was 22. All my girlfriends try to hook up with him, but he politely rejects them because he does not want to break the bro code with me and my friends.

Well, eight months ago, my mom asked how I feel about her and Jay being friends with benefits. She told me her and Jay hooked up, and it was the best time she'd had in their life. Jay told me as well the next day because he didn't want to have this big of a secret withheld from me. They both explained they were purely friends with benefits. This works because they know each other and are completely transparent with their intentions.

Not going to lie, I was hurt because Jay refused to be friends with benefits with me at least 20 times. However, Jay and my mom are the closest people I have in my life, so I'm not going to do anything drastic like go no contact, especially because they haven't personally done anything wrong. Issue. Friends with benefits situation seems more like a committed relationship than just hooking up jay has disabled and removed himself from all dating apps and been exclusively dating and seducing my mom they go to dinner two nights a week took a vacation together to vela luca and recently just attended a domination workshop like what the fuck my mom has always been a

feminine woman but her femininity has gone from 50 to 100 sundresses dolled up every up every day of the week, new perfume, and caters to Jay like his wife. Compliments of every chance she gets, can't keep her hands off him. Hugs, kisses, affectionate. They're happy, and honestly, I am envious. They've gone out of their way to keep their relationship with me the same, if not better. I have not been treated badly or neglected at all, but I am extremely bitter and jealous. Help me. What can be done to fix my resentment towards them? I feel like Jay broke the bro code for hooking up with my mom furthermore i feel like my mom broke the mom code for hooking up with my best friend i have been to therapy about this and it has not helped oh boy that's a lot it's like this is one of those questions that i have a lot of feelings about because one yes i

think from his point of view is sleeping with your best friend's mom a bad idea? Yeah, I would say so. From the mom's point of view, is sleeping with your daughter's best friend a bad idea? Yeah, I would say so. But at the same time, you can't really help who you kind of like fall for. And it seems like these two are a pretty good fit like they seem like they like they mesh really well they're doing real cool shit i mean like they're doing stuff that like that i think most couples don't do well so it's it's tough for me because like

i do want these people to be happy because i I'm now invested in this. But I understand where the question asker is coming from about feeling shitty about this. So I'm really, really torn. Because I can feel like I can say, yes, absolutely. What they did really sucks to do to someone that you care about and you're supposed to take care of. Because it is a bit of a breach of trust. But at the same time i'm also like yeah but they didn't keep it from you they told you almost immediately they were upfront and honest about it and you kind of like i feel like had your chance to be like hey i'm not cool with

this and actually i think it's really really shitty that you did this to me and actually hash it out and see where they have gone from there. Because if you had that conversation, maybe they would have been like, hey, you're right. We're sorry. We didn't mean to hurt you. We'll break off. Yeah, I feel like definitely it would be a different question if it was like, I'm, you know, a 37 year old woman and I've been seeing this 25 year old guy and we're having the best time. Like that would be a situation where we'd be like,

yeah, fucking, if you guys are getting on well, treating each other, right. And like, everyone's consenting adults and you're having fun, whatever.

I will say I'm a little concerned about the fact that she has been helping him with his businesses as well. I feel like that's also adding to the difficulty pile. Not only is it a fucking best, the best friend or the mom of your best friend, it's also like your business partner or helper. That's your accountant. That's worrying, but whatever. Now, whether or not the age gap is a good or bad thing, or the fact that she presumably has a lot more power in this relationship, considering her age and experience

and influence in his life and all that shit whether that's negative i guess that's not the question the question is you know what does this person do and i think you nailed it on the head where it's like unfortunately in a situation like this when people come to you and i i got to applaud their openness and communication even with the friend being like you know what i don't actually want to date you because right now i'm not going to be able to be monogamous monogamous and like i'll hurt you and i don't want that to happen it's like yeah maybe not the nicest thing to hear but like better than not doing that you know what i mean yeah um so it's like yeah is it a bit harsh and maybe it's shitty that he's in that position sure but like the fact that he came out and said it and did it and was a good friend.

Like I appreciate that. It seems like this person has good communication and is honest. I do find it confusing. It's like bro code can't hook up with anyone who knows you. However, Hey mom. Yeah. Um,

which makes me feel like that, like there is an actual genuine spark between these two. You know what I mean? And that's why, like I, that's why like, I, that's why I'm so torn about all this. Well,

I think the issue you, you raise a good point when they came to you, that was your, your chance to kind of like nip it in the bud, which I also understand maybe what you didn't, because I think it's a lot to take in and no one wants to be that shitty person who's like now. And then like seeing it in reality can, you know, it really hammers at

home and then you start to actually feel how you're going to feel about it so i think there's also something to think about is you said oh we tried to date didn't work out fine but then you said you tried to be friends with benefits with him for 20 times which makes me believe that like despite the fact that he said he didn't want a relationship with you you have hung on to the hopes that maybe at some point in time he would which is an unfair expectation to have of someone when they have made it clear that they don't want to and after 10 years i feel like if he was going to pursue you. He would have pursued you. Especially after you asking 20 times to fuck.

And him being like no. Like it seems like you didn't take the hint. And are now upset that he's pursuing someone. Yes. It's an added burn that it's your mom. I get it. I don't. Like you know I understand.

But like, you know, I understand. But like, would you I wonder how much of this would still feel like how much or if you would still feel this way, regardless of who it was. You know what I mean? Like, would you still feel jealous and bitter if he just met someone else and started dating someone? Because I get this. I get the sense that you probably would yeah friends with benefits at least 20 times is what she's saying which is a crazy amount to ask somebody and if it had been a guy asking a woman we would be like dude you're a piece of shit like that would be abuse almost you know what i mean like it's funny I kind of like glossed over that

a bit but you make a great point it's like that's an insane amount even once or twice I would say even twice after the relationship didn't work out that's more than enough yeah like after like shifts and changes right like maybe there was like maybe he

had a big breakup you had a big breakup two relationships and maybe there was one of those nights where you guys were drinking and like should we yeah you kind of met eyes and you're like hmm you know like i get that i understand like 10 years is a long time so i understand that like you know if it came up once or twice and you you know maybe thought things situations had changed sure but 20 times again like we're talking on average twice a year you were like hey should we fuck and he was like no and then you know six months just like okay no that's that's a lot yeah so i think step one is you need to get over jay because you don't even like specifically say that

you're into him at any point here in fact you kind of very heavily be like he's a good friend at the start i think it's pretty clear you're into him you know if you're trying to fuck him well yeah twice a year yeah yeah and you say he's the closest person in your life and it's like okay is he though because if you have these feelings that you're not getting past it's unfair to him it's shitty to you and it's like i don't know if you can really be proper friends with him if you still have this like ulterior motive yeah i think what you need to do is have the conversation that you probably should have had when this first broke and just be honest with

them just like sit them both down and be like hey so i'm really struggling with this you guys you know you are both two very important people in my life you're my best friend and you're my mom and to have you guys sort of not think that that would be a big deal really stings and and like have a conversation with them because hearing it from them if they're both just like we understand that and we knew it but like we get along really well blah blah blah whatever their reasoning is as to why they because both of them seem to clock that this might not be the best idea but still decided to do it anyway so there might be like there might be that moment of them just being like we're really into each other

and the sincerity of that moment might be enough for you to be like okay i actually care enough about you guys that if you're happy then i'm happy yeah and that doesn't mean you can't step like set up boundaries right because it's like you mentioned you know caters to jay like a wife compliments every chance can't keep her hands off him you know if you guys are hanging out and she's coming in and like stroking him and like you know i feel like even like if you were hanging out with two people that weren't your mom and your best friend, it would be kind of weird if like someone was coming in and being like overly sexual and like whatever, when you guys are just trying to hang out.

So maybe even like setting kind of boundaries and like, give me a heads up if you guys are like fucking or something so that like you don't come home and you're not like having a throne in your face the whole time. So I think like all three, all three ways are good, right? Bar, all three things need to happen, which is one, you need to confront your feelings about Jay because clearly they're there and you need to get over it. You know what I mean? Because he has made it clear at least 20 times that he doesn't want anything to happen. And the fact that it's gone even past two is insanity. And you need to address that and get over it, which you clearly haven't done.

Step two, talk to them. Again, tell them that you're having difficulty with this. And maybe, as Dane said, there'll be a moment of sincerity and you'll find out that they actually do care about each other in one way or another. And that'll help you move past it because I'm sure you love them both. Or maybe they'll be like, you know what? Yeah, we kind of figured. And like, you know what? Yeah, we kind of figured. And honestly,

it's a fling, but it's not worth upsetting you. And maybe that'll be it for them. Right. And three boundaries, you know, if this is to continue, that doesn't mean it has to continue unchecked,

right? What those boundaries are, are between the three of you. But like, I think it's not much to ask for that. Your mom doesn't come in and just start like groping him in front of you. Cause I don it's not much to ask for that your mom doesn't come in and just start like groping him in front of you because i don't want to see my mom do that to anyone let alone my best friend yeah um or like again even if i was hanging out with you

and like your girlfriend was just like fucking all over you it'd be weird for everyone in the room yeah so i think that's it face your fucking unrequited love. Chat to them honestly, openly, and set boundaries. And I will say, once again, jealousy is a normal thing. We feel it. Everyone feels it. But it's very easy to rationalize if you take a couple seconds to not feel sorry for yourself and think about things rationally and logically. So stop for a second and be like, hey, am I allowed to be jealous that Jay is with someone? And then you can stop and be like, no, we gave it a try.

He said he didn't want to. I've shot my shot way too many times, and he's rejecting me every time. So he has made it very clear that we aren't going to happen. He should be allowed to pursue people. And then you need to be like, am I allowed to be jealous that it's's my mom yeah i think so i think i think a little bit of jealousy in that category is 100 justified i get it you know and that is and that's where you kind of need to like have the conversation and and like you know address it with both of them and then i think

you need to be like is what they're doing enough for me to consider that they're doing it maliciously and no longer have, you know, my best interests at heart. And that's something that I think will come out of the conversation. If they're just like, actually, we don't care.

Like we don't care what you think. It doesn't matter that you're upset. We're getting our fuck on and it's great. And that means more to us than how you feel. And maybe that's enough for you to be like, all right, well then you guys have kind of shown your true colors and have chosen, you know,

a sexual relationship over me where I think you do have some grounds to be upset about, you know, they had that chat with you and they're like, is this okay? And you said, yes, I don't think that has to be set in stone for the rest of your life,

especially. And like the sooner you revisit that topic, the better. If now that you've seen it, and now that you're dealing with it, it isn't okay. You could also just say that, be like, look, I said it was okay. I wasn't really thinking, or like, I thought it would be okay. But honestly, this is super weird. If that's where you need to go. And I think you need to deal with your feelings for Jay first and make sure you're not just doing this out of like pettiness or whatever that's also valid just because you said yes doesn't mean you can't rescind that yes you know what i mean well that's this is a an overreaching problem in every relationship ever where people think that because they've agreed to something or because they've said they like something or because

they've you know whatever like relationships are dynamic because we are dynamic. We as human beings are not static. We're not the same. We don't choose one thing and then never stray from it. We change, we grow things, you know, our situations change. So like to, and this is like in every relationship, in regard of being like okay i used to really like x and now i'm not really into it anymore that's fine you're like if you used to love you know deep throating and puking on someone's dick and are no longer feeling that you know two years later

you're allowed to be like hey i'm kind of like this is out of my system now it's not really something i want to do anymore yeah um and it's like you're allowed to do that you're allowed to change your diet or your parameters and you're allowed to change your you can change your diameters i mean you can yeah if you want sure you know for going to calorie deficit or going to calorie uh abundance that's my yeah that's what i've been doing for the past two and a half years. That's my life. So like, yeah, you can change. And this is something that goes across all relationships,

friendships, sexual relationships, romantic relationships. Just because you said something at some point in time doesn't mean, as long as you're not like changing your mind every fucking three minutes, and it's getting impossible for your partner to sort of like you know figure out what you're about but like or changing your mind and not telling them and getting upset about it you know exactly it's it's important to know so it's like yes as now said it is it's totally fair to be like look before i was really in it i wanted you guys to be happy it was something that was important to me and i chose to say i was cool with it but now that i'm now that i'm in it and

now that it's like real and it's affecting me, I don't think I'm comfortable with it anymore. And again, it is up to them and you to sort of figure out what that means and how you move forward for it. And that's something we can't guess or predict or tell you how it's going to go because we don't know. But, you know, that's that's the nature of human relationships okay here's one because let me tell you i i thought about this pretty much all weeks since i found it um this is from sailor poots guy asked me to rate his dick he said on a not measurable scale how big could you say it is what the fuck how do i answer this he doesn't want me to compare it to an object, but I've got to be descriptive. Who asks this? Oh man.

I feel like you have to be, it's like when you're writing and you write different characters and like they obviously experience the world through their experiences, if that makes any sense. So like the assassin in a room will be like, they'll note the exits and the egress and the fucking one guy with a bulge under his jacket like possibly a weapon whereas like the architect in the room will notice the arches and you know blah blah blah the crown molding yeah exactly so what do you do that specific like for me i'm like looking down and glancing i'm glancing at i'm like it's like a table of eight you know

what i mean like it's not a table of 20 i'm not gonna puke in my mouth but damn you know what it's not too tough this boggles my mind like all week just being like okay he doesn't want a measurable scale he doesn't want to compare to an object but like you you've done it. You did do it. Nailed it. Yeah. It's, you know, this is a, this is a chip with, with five cocktails on it. Exactly. Boom. There you go. Which is like, not like, like it's not five beers.

Right. Which is an even more like a deeper kind of like layer to it. Right. It's not just, oh, five versus five cocktails are hard to make them beers. Right. It's a longer shit. Technically. Yeah. It's not. Yeah. It's like, if it was a small dick i'd say oh it's a vodka soda there you go boom right if it was any of it was like you know if it was a if it was like just an

absolute just slam slam down you know hit the ground leave a mark longer damn okay i was i would episode title i would say i would say oh i you know it's it's fucking like it's it's 10 shaken cocktails with mods yeah exactly the mods at at least two inches yeah yeah and that's the thing i think you get more points if it's an even more vague profession because the thing is like bartenders and servers hear what we say and they have a fair idea it's not it's not really that specific because the table of eight will vary person to person you know cocktails will vary depending on the bar but you have an idea and i think even as another bartender server you have an idea and that's i think what this guy's looking for for some fucking reason mind you

I love how we still haven't talked about that what are you doing bud I hope it was like a funny weird like jokey like we're chill together like just a weirdo but fun moment and not like a serious I'm a fucking lunatic

what a crazy thought experiment this man came up with. He both wanted a sexy conversation starter, but at the same time really wanted to make you think. Yeah, and he did. You know what I mean? He did a great job. It's also funny because I was going to sedge way into a Pathfinder,

medium, large, gargantuan kind of thing but i felt like the serving analogy worked better yeah because you'd be like oh it's a kobold you know it's small but it's very crafty it's small but it's got a necklace full of fireballs um i would say like you know if someone was like oh it's a goblin i'd be like like, fuck, you've cut me deep, Brenda. Yeah, but like it's classic. Yeah. There's a lot of it. It's usually where everyone starts.

It's yeah. What would I want to crush it 40 times until I get to level two? Yeah. I'm going to spend a good amount of time with it, but I will quickly surpass it. Yeah. All right. We will quickly surpass it. Yeah. All right. Are we ready for one more? Yeah.

This is by Apprehensive Bag 5406. I'm not my boyfriend's ideal type, and I get frustrated whenever I see a woman that's clearly his type walk by. For about six months, I've been dating a man whose ideal type is women who are well put together and give great importance to their appearance. I'm very far from fulfilling that criteria, and yet after hooking up a few times, he confesses his love to me and assists we give dating a shot. I'm not that attracted to him, but I decide to give him a chance. A few months down the line, I found myself feeling sick to my core every time a well-groomed woman would walk by and a feeling of inferiority would wash over me. Now, I'm pretty sure that feeling

doesn't stand for me being afraid of him leaving me for a woman that's more his type. I'm not particularly fond of him. Yet, why do I feel inferior to women he'd be more attracted to? I know the relationship essentially doesn't make sense, but I want to understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I'm going to assume it's because you're a piece of shit. Excuse my language, but you sound terrible. It's not great. Am I overreaching here? Am I overreaching here am i am i overreacting here to start dating someone because like oh they showed me a little bit of attention i don't really like them i'm not

super fond of them couldn't care less about them yeah that's not great i was gonna say it's massive insecurity because why would you date someone you don't like? Probably because you're terrified you can't do any better or like you just need that validation. And it's like, oh yeah, your character trait is being cripplingly insecure. Of course, you're going to feel insecure when women walk by you. How is that surprising? Because that's your whole bag. But honestly, I don't even think it's insecurity. I think it's like cruelty. I cruelty i think like i mean like i'm sure there is a little bit of insecurity in there because like they usually go hand in hand like people who are usually really mean are also very usually insecure but like i think this is just like straight up like cruel in the sense of like oh i don't like

this person but i also you know i also don't like people that i think he likes yeah like it there's just so much negativity and so much like hate and malice and vitriol like i just like you just sound so miserable and i try to keep it positive i try to like look on the bright side of things i'm usually on the side of like well i get it but like i just don't get it here if you don't want to be with someone don't be with them like you're wasting this poor dude's time and then also i guess making yourself feel like shit and shooting dirty glances at women who've done literally nothing other than you know like there's no talk about him turning his head and watching these women there's no talk about like why you think that's his type, despite the fact that he's with you.

Yeah. And also, like, let's be fair. I doubt this person isn't also taking it out on him. Yeah. It's just it's so I don't like it. And I don't like you. I think you need to do a lot of work on yourself. It's definitely not good.

How about like don't fucking date somebody you don't want to date. Don't like that's not fair on them. Straight up. It's not good for you. If you don't find someone attractive and then also consider yourself not fond of them. Don't be with them. That is so rude. Yeah.

Like that's awful. And then on top of that, it's like, oh yeah, you basically said it all. It's like, get your shit together. Break up with this poor person kindly and work on yourself and delve into your insecurity issues and stop shooting glances at people and making that their problem and his problem i don't know this is i imagine is just crippling insecurity which is why she's in this situation and why then this is like manifesting the way it did but either way it's not good and you need to get better.

You know, I think we actually have enough time for another cheeky one. Hit me. Quick one. This is Tate Davis 2016. Tate Davis? Tate. Tate Davis. Is there a polite way to ask someone if they want to hook up?

I, 24-year-old male, am a virgin. I would love to have sex with a woman someday. Wouldn't we all? I do want to end up in a long-term relationship yeah i do want to end up in a long-term relationship at some point but i would like to hook up with someone so i can lose my virginity i consider myself a respectful person and someone who can take no for an answer is there a polite and respectful way to ask a woman if she wants to hook up that won't make me seem like a creep. My goal is to be direct and honest, while at the same time be cordial and respectful. Uh, there is, but like, it doesn't work like I fear he thinks it does, which is you walk up to someone and go, hi, would you like to hook up?

Hello, my name is Tate Davis, and I would like to hook up with you. Would you be interested? Yes, I assume that's exactly what he's going to do, and that is not in any way it. Unless you are incredibly attractive even then it's like i i knew a girl who was incredibly attractive and had just broken up with someone and wanted to to hook up and was in a bar full of like college people who were you know all just so horny and some of them had been like making some like creepy remarks or like i tried to like hit on the girl i was dating at the bar and she was like oh great they're like down to fuck and went up was

like hey do you guys want to fuck and they were like what's the catch they all get so scared they're like this isn't how it goes this is how it works they all just kind of like left and that's a girl going up to idiots you know what i mean i feel like a guy going up to girls it's like that's no i don't think there's a way you can do it even if you're and hey tate davis it's a pretty sexy name i like it yeah unless tate is short for like potato potato davis but then that's disarming that's cute damn it damn man i think i think potato davis would actually be better how about that just go up and be like i'm potato davis and wink and i think that'll get you there yeah hello my name is potato hello it's nice to meet you if you need me just

call for potato i'll be over there minding my own business just being a potato yeah the good thing is it's like there is a world between a long-term relationship and everything else so it's like you don't just have the option of being like, can we hook up? Fuck, it didn't work. It's like you can get to know someone. You can kiss at a bar and then ask them if they like. That's kind of it. You go, you find someone, you establish rapport with them.

You go on a date with them. You hang out with them all night at a bar or club or pub or whatever. You kiss them and then you ask them if they want to fucking go back to your place or their place. That's pretty much it. or a club or a pub or whatever, you kiss them and then you ask them if they want to fucking go back to your place or their place. That's pretty much it. See, I also kind of felt like this was more of a, you know, oh, there are women I'm attracted to that I already know, you know, and I think there is like a way to do it.

But it's so hard for me to sit here and tell you how, because it's so circumstantial, right? Like the amount of times that I've gone from very sort of like acquaintancy or loose friendship to sleeping with someone through a couple flirty messages that I had no intention of going in that direction. But, you know, I saw my shot and I shot it and I did it. There have been so many times where I've been on Instagram and someone will post a funny picture and I'll start talking to them and within like a couple texts i you know

i get kind of flirty vibes and i'd be like i i throw out you know some sexy banter and it's seriously right it's like yeah there's a difference between like you make a joke so it makes a joke and it's like ha ha ha or like you make a joke and they're like but really and you're like well yes right that's it you know like uh and again unfortunately unlike what most pickup artist communities would have you believe there is no exact science to it there's not these five words you say or this is you know it is so loosey-goosey that's why i'm so nervous to say that because i don't want to encourage people to just spam instagram stories of of women thinking that like these are just trying to do it right no i'm no i absolutely not um but i'm just saying it's like i don't want people to think that's what i'm suggesting as

an option i'm saying that like there is ways to initiate sort of sexy suggestions outside of like meeting people on online dating or like meeting people at a bar or like that kind of stuff like and there is ways of being like like should we just do this should we should we just do it i would say that for a first timer it's probably best to do it the other way um or again like as dane says if there is someone if you guys are vibing like there's no harm in lightly you know prodding and again it's not just you want fuck like you can make a slightly sexually charged joke or like a sexually charged emoji and like if they respond like you know the more kind of reinforcement you get the more you can take it a little bit further and that's like they'll either like lol okay and like back off and then you don't pursue and be

weird or they will match your level and your energy or escalate it and that's like yeah that's pretty good you know and once you're not weird and once you can take no for an answer like you seem to think you can uh then it's fine but unfortunately it is one of those things you just got to feel out but like i wouldn't cold ask is basically the advice here. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I don't think that I really hope that's not your plan is that you think that you can just be like, hello, I would like to sleep with you. Are you interested?

And look, I promise you that that has worked for someone at some point in time. Absolutely. I don't think that's the way to go about it. I do think that there is you. You at some point in time. Absolutely. I don't think that's the way to go about it. I do think that there is, you, you need to take your time and like the, the short version of us being like, ha ha,

you know, you can't walk up and be like, you want to fuck that can happen over a much shorter period of time than, you know, a whole courting process. Like you can get that done in like a text exchange. Sure. But it's not that cut and dried.

And it really is a matter of like feeling out the person and how you know them and how your relationship already is and like is it an online dating thing is it a you know you went to you worked with them for a while now you don't work with them anymore but like you still kind of like send each other funny memes like there's so many things that like it's really hard to tell you how to do it you just need to do like i would say it comes down to three things you need to get the vibe if you don't think there's any interest if there's literally no reason for you to think that this person would sleep with you then they're not an option yeah right now like broaching it will

probably make you seem creepy yes it's coming out of left field, it's too much, too fast. So cool it. So you definitely need to get the vibe. You need to be confident. You need to like be willing to shoot your shot when you have it. Because it's weird if you don't. If you wait, if like if that door opens and then you don't do it because you're a little. Yeah, you're kind of nervous.

And then like, you know, two days later you walk through and be like, hello. People are like, oh shit, I thought I locked that. Damn it. Where'd you come from? So you need to be ready to make your move when it's time to make a move. And if you don't, then like learn your lesson and try again next time. And three, I think it comes down to knowing when to back off and that is you know if you're not getting reciprocation if you're not getting responses if you're if you are only getting lols

or like people liking your comment or that kind of stuff like where there's really no other interaction or another like engagement then you need to be like okay i've shot my shot and if they're interested, they'll pursue. But like, I'm not going to keep running down this road. If I don't think that one I'm, I've been invited to, or if they're cool with it. Yeah. You don't want to be asking someone by annually to fuck you.

Exactly. You know? Yeah. And honestly, with online dating,ame mentioned we're about to get into tinder profiles in a second it's great you can just be like looking for something casual and that's like people who take you up on this offer you'll know are at least tangentially interested in that too or didn't read your profile so it's you know that's a pretty easy way to kind of like put the cart before the horse in a good way. Yep. All right.

Tinder time? It is Tinder time. At the end of the episode, we like to jump onto online dating platforms such as Tinder and Bumble and Hinge and look through the profiles. Comb them for red flags. Tell you what works, what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. This is Mar. Fun fact. I'll invite you over and pour a cheap bottle of wine into an expensive bottle right before you show up and then say I opened it to let it breathe.

That's how I roll. Even funnier fact. I just pinch myself and I'm quite real. Unless we're in the Matrix. In that case, none of us is. It should be none of us are. I know. Thank you.

I was going to get into it and I was like, it's so douchey if I, I don't know. Thank you. It's a great profile. Immediately one down. It's a great profile. I like it's so douchey if i i don't know thank you um it's a great profile immediately one one down it's a great profile i think it's very funny i haven't heard that wine joke before and i don't i'm sure it's in a tv show i'm sure it's like a curb your enthusiasm big um but i think it's i think it's fun it tells me a lot about you it tells me about your sense of humor you're you know i get your vibe it. I'm going to give it a 7. I'm going to give it a...

I was going to give it a 9, but then they fucked up the grammar, so I'm going to give it a 4. No, I give it an 8. This is Wan. I'm that woman who will not follow your demands until you deserve it. Please tell me that's it. Oh man, that sucks.

I don't want someone to follow my demands you know what i mean and i don't want to have to desert like no this seems shit it seems like their idea of a relationship is like being told what to do but like being i don't know in other ways like well you did buy me that dress so i will obey it's no, it's not like this weird, toxic give and take like that. So it's one. If it just had a disclaimer as to what you're looking for, if it was like looking for Dom sub, I'd be like, hey, love it. I think that's what I mean. Like, what's the best?

That's not what they're talking about. No, absolutely not. But what I'm saying is like this profile alone is bad. But if it had if you gave me a disclaimer it's like what you're looking for what kind of relationship you're looking for i would at least be able to know like where you stand but this alone not good i'm giving it a one yeah uh this is ali you're so hot i whispered as i took my plate of food out of the microwave middle school teacher molding the minds of the future one sarcastic comment at a time.

Dog mom too. And then her dog's Instagram talking person beats texting. Nice. I like that. That's funny. It's a good one again. Yeah. I'll give it like a seven.

Yeah. It's a seven. This is Emma. So exciting to see who wants to waste my time and completely disappointed me again. Clown emoji. The real clown is your bad grammar. Yes. Super negative.

Doesn't add anything. I don't like it. One. Yeah. I mean, the grammar is bad enough, but then to like come in with the vibes of just being like, this is bad. Everyone's bad. I hate everything.

I'm not happy. All right. Hey, let me tell you, you're out of here. Left swipe. That's going to be all one. Here's alright. Hey, let me tell ya. You're outta here. Left swipe. That's gonna be all one. Here's Amelia. Men are useless, but I'm willing to be proven otherwise. Mmm.

Hey, not my job. A1. Yeah, A1. Same issue. It's like you're miserable and you haven't given us anything. Like, no. This is Alice. Taurus. Korean. Don't use Tinder when we're in a relationship. I'll be really, really sad. Well, Alice. Taurus, Korean. Don't use Tinder when we're in a relationship. I'll be really, really sad.

Well, yeah. Yeah, that's usually how it goes. That's the deal. It's kind of adorable, but it also gives me nothing and is kind of pointless. I give it a two. Yeah. I'm sorry, Alice. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Yeah. This is Desiree. I really love it when men take the lead in the convo. pointless i give it a two yeah i'm sorry alice i'm sorry that happened to you yeah this is disarray i really love it when men take the lead in the convo i'm happy to follow up ask questions in return this means that men who expect me to ask them questions only gives me a super unattractive vibe hoping to connect to someone at the same level i so like no i don't like it and it just sounds like like i don't like it. And it's, it just sounds like, like, I don't know.

I want to say that they're not putting in much effort, but it sounds like they like want to put an effort, but they don't want to like put an effort, you know? A hundred percent. It's like, no one likes it. If the other person isn't responding.

So to point that out seems weird. So I guess it's just that you don't want to have to put in effort until you deem them worthy of it. Mm-hmm. Like, just no. Like, stop. This is my last one. This is you. Not you.

You. Deal with my fat fucking belly and depression. Is that it? Actually, it's deal with my fucking fat belly and depression. I preferred fat fucking belly. Yeah, me too. I really wanted it, but no. I have to be true to the source material.

It is deal with my fucking fat belly and depression. No, I kind of like the energy. I like that it's very fight me, you cowards. Yeah. Or date me, you cowards. I don't really like the self-disparagement that feels a little bad. And then also like the depression. I don't know.

It feels like it's always kind of a red flag when people are like, the only thing I'm going to tell you is like, I have a mental illness and you have to deal with it. You know? So I don't love kind of that self-disparagement. It feels a little too genuine. Yeah. It's the little too genuine. Yeah. It's,

it's the right energy, the wrong message, I think for me. Yeah. And, and I think you, you explained why I'm going to give it a four. Yeah.

Cause I worry if it's maybe just like a mistranslate or like you're mistranslating like the, the gist behind it. Cause it could just be super confident and like funny, or it could be super not. and like funny or it could be super not. So I'm giving it a three because I am unsure but I shouldn't be unsure. This is

I guess our last one. This is Brittany. I'm 4'11 and good things come in small packages. Cat emoji. If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best. Just an immediate zero. The second anyone quotes a fucking Marilyn Monroe quote zero it is a garbage it is a garbage quote and I think it takes like a four off it the high thing seems unnecessary and good things come in small packages is that a cream pie joke like I assume I assume so because of the cat emoji

the pussy yeah I don't know I just it doesn't matter the second anyone thinks that that Marilyn Monroe quote is worth repeating in a any sense of of like validity or like I believe this it's like no I shouldn't have to

deal with you being absolutely terrible to be rewarded with. Yeah. Like, no, sorry. That's not how that works. That is that is abuse. What you're describing is abuse and gaslighting. Anyone should ever have to deal with you at your worst.

Yeah. Ever. At least. Look, I get it. We all have bad days. So, like, you know, if you're with someone long enough, you might deal with them with the worst, but not in exchange for, you know what I mean? Like, it's not like, oh, you have to deal with this so that you get the good parts of me. It's like, no, no, no, no, no.

I should get the best parts of you that you're able to give. And if it gets bad, then we'll weather it. But it's not a trade off. It's not a, well, I gave you two good days. So here's me being an absolute fucking monster yeah and like on either side of the equation you know what i mean it should never be that way so no so it's zero for me the second i hear that quote it's a zero i'll give it a two i would say it's probably one of my biggest universal red flags it is garbage

and the thing is it's like it's not even fucking original it hasn't been for a long time no no like people used to write that on their fucking like social media like myspace like i'm sorry if someone was quoting this on my well i guess i can't that's the whole point of quotes but But still, it's bad. If someone quotes this in fucking stone back in BC, bro, it's old. Oh, you're quoting Shakespeare? People used to do that hundreds of years ago. It's been done, bro. I went to school.

Thank you very much for listening. That's going to do us for this week. It's been a pleasure. It's very hot again in Toronto, and I'm in a very hot closet, so I can't wait to get some of that cool cool fresh air um but we get in here and we sweat for you because we love you and we appreciate you and we couldn't be happier that you've joined us today i do love that in the middle of the recording a little notification flashed up my laptop to tell me it is in fact humid. Thanks, laptop.

Thank you, laptop. What would we do without you? My wet, wet skin didn't give that one away. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for song Paper Stars. If you're not part of our Patreon yet, why? Why? No. But for real,

we did just release a new Pillow Talk, which is our Patreon-exclusive episode the other day, which was dealing with years. We were basically doing a deep dive into porn stats for the last few years, which was very interesting. And there were definitely times we weren't doing so well. So if you're interested as to what that kind of unveiled, we also do some questions, some games, the usual.

Feel free to come support us. Patreon.com forward slash FBuddies, I believe. If you're interested as to what that kind of unveiled, we also do some questions, some games, the usual cut, feel free to come support us. Patreon.com forward slash F buddies, I believe. Um, and we just love absolutely every single one of you guys who does support us. And not always monetarily. If you want to share us, send us to friends,

you know, that all helps everyone who comes by. We love you guys. So thank you. You have some, uh, bad sex writing for us? I got a nice poem for you, Dane. Cool. This is a poem by Clément Marot.

It's an excerpt of it. And it is called The Beautiful Breast. A little ball of... Singular. Yep. A little ball of ivory, in the middle of which sits a strawberry or a cherry. When one sees you,

many men feel the desire within their hands to touch you and to hold you, but one must satisfy oneself with being near you, for my life or another desire will come. For every reason, happy is he who will fill you with milk, turning the virgin's breast

into the breast of a beautiful, complete woman. Right, because the only way a woman can be complete is after childbirth. Thank you. And, as a result of a beautiful, complete woman. Right. Because the only way a woman can be complete is after childbirth. Thank you. And as a result of a man filling him with milk. You're welcome. Which isn't how it works. Wait, what?

I'm pretty sure. Hey, you don't know. Hey, is that what the milkman does? Niall? Hey, Niall? Is that what the milkman does? Is that why everyone's like, oh, he just comes with like a jerry can of milk? If you're not paying attention, you

go, go, go, go. Fuck. Damn it. Fuck. Did you just fill my tits, dude? Did you do that? Fuck. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm, as always, Niles Bay. We've been your fuck buddies.