F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 193 - Potato Baby

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Don't ever talk to me or my potato son again.  Topics what preparation style best suits your child's potato-esque qualities, where did all the gentle lovers go, Harry Styles first date bankruptcy, building up exes to be impossible comparisons, overstepping your neighbourly boundaries and, of course, Tinders.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Day Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And I'm your fuck buddies You singular are

Yep, I cut you out Damn Sorry That's okay, I've got another podcast You gave me all that power No one man should have all that power That's fair, we're your fuck buddies, it was a joke We are, we got you

Look at your face, you look so stupid right now That was far too tense to start the episode man did you know that cloud bursting is real what are you talking about also finish the introduction oh we're dating a sex advice podcast where we take a sticky sexy situation turn the sexy sticky situations cloud bursting is but we find questions either online or through our wonderful listeners we have some other topics of sex and dating. Cloud bursting is, it was like a machine that they used to like pop clouds to control the weather. Like apparently a hurricane.

Well, everyone was too much of a coward to let Trump do that. You ready to hop in? I'm ready to pop on in. Yeah. Hold on. Let me just get my pants on and just hop on in. My pants are on.

There you can go. Man, I got some weird questions. Pick a number. Let's go with three. Yeah, hold on. Let me just get my pants on and just hop on in. My pants are on. There you can go. Man, I got some weird questions. Pick a number. Let's go with three. Oh, perfect. I had it open anyway. This is by Put Back the Potato. My 29-year-old male wife's 28-year-old female potato obsession is alarming me.

I've been married for just over two years. Oh, that's it. I'm gone. Goodbye. That's how I cut you out. Now I'm the fuck buddies. Oh, he's left. I'm gone. Goodbye. That's how I cut you out. Now I'm the fuck buddies. Oh, he's left. He put his headphones down. Oh, he let me close the door. Hey, he'll come back. He always comes back.

Anyway, let's talk about cloud bursting. So there's a great song by Kate Bush. Hello. I've been married for just over two years. Dated the missus for two years before that. And when we met, and we met when we were in college. From the start, she's had a thing for potatoes. I actually met her in the library reading a book about them. She works them into almost every meal she prepares, gets mad or at least disappointed at me if I cook something without potatoes,

and she keeps a collection of books on the history and cultivation of potatoes on our bookshelf. I always thought it was weird, but kind of shrugged and mentally filed it away under a personal idiosyncrasy. Our son, Jacob, was born a few months ago. No fake names here, his name is Jacob, and that's what we agreed on, and it's on his birth certificate, but my wife refers to him as Spud. She's also been correcting me if I call him by his actual name. And maybe I should have seen it sooner, but this is really freaking me out.

I don't know if she'll do anything dangerous because of it, but to connect him with potatoes is raising my hackles. I should try to get her in some kind of therapy. I'm sure she will not want to go, so I need some kind of argument to convince her it's necessary. I'm also not even sure what kind of therapy would be appropriate here. Can anyone advise? I'm confused as to how obvious your wife is Irish. Gotta be. I'm out.

There he goes again. It's so fucking weird. But you know how there are those people, I can't remember what they're called, but the people who fall in love with inanimate objects? Potato fuckers? No, there's like a woman who loves big like inflatable plane or some shit i don't like i honestly don't know how to answer this question because like it's so weird and specific one i don't know does this man think that he's his wife is going to cook his son well that was the thing

it's like i thought the issue was going to be like oh she actually seems to think his name is spud and like you know i could understand why you'd be pissed off or weirded out if like she corrected you for using their actual name but to jump from that to i don't know if you can do something dangerous it's like whoa oh pardon you actually think your wife would harm your child because that's a big issue hey like think about it potatoes have skin potatoes have eyes kids boil real well. It's true. Now, the thing is, what you need to do is start to figure out what their exact plans are so you can combat them.

And the way to do that is to figure out what potato he is because certain potatoes are, for example, best for mashing. Some are best for roasting. Yeah, you're not going to mash a fingerling potato those are those are those are roasty boys for sure exactly right if it's a yukon gold she gonna mash it she gonna mash that kid up real good i do need to give him maybe armor you know on unmashable armor what you need it's okay here's the thing she gets mad when you make dinner and don't have a potato involved in it. I think what you need to do is whatever you make for dinner, have like a little thread of whatever your child was wearing that day and be like, oh, no, a little bit of spud got in there. And she was like, what? Well, you love you said his name was Spud and I have to make potatoes for every meal.

So I figured if he's a potato why don't we have him for dinner and then just take a big old scoop of your like red food coloring potato eat it maybe she just really loves potatoes and this is actually a good thing she really loves her son i'm almost positive my dad called me spud yeah that's fine that's why i like you so much yeah you've got a lot of potato qualities. I've got strong. Oh, man. Tate Davidson? What was his name?

Potato? I don't know. Is this him? Maybe it is him. Maybe this is his origin story. Fuck, man. I keep losing my train of thought. Basically, actual real problem.

If your wife is correcting you over the name of your son. Yeah. Talk to her about it. Be like, look, hey, he has a name. We didn't agree to change the name of your son yeah talk talk to her about be like look hey he has a name we didn't agree to change the name to spud so you correcting me is you know kind of shitty it's like if you want to have a cute little nickname for him great but like bring that up and if she loses her shit and is like he's a potato yeah go talk to your gp go escalate this to therapy if she's like oh i was i thought it was funny

great maybe you you should go to therapy because you think your wife is gonna harm your child because she gave him a stupid nickname yeah it's it's one of those things where i don't think there's nothing there like like i want potatoes with every one of my meals although it's potatoes are the best starch but here's the thing is like as carbs unless it's unless it's gnocchi like i don't want potatoes with my pasta like there are there are things where like i can't imagine being like gotta have potatoes on this pizza oh i want sushi can you make can you make potato sushi please i mean i guess you can get yam sushi so yeah also you can get potatoes on pizza it's

great i know you can but like i wouldn't be upset if there wasn't right yeah i know you can get like sliced you know sliced potatoes get pizza with fries on it all right either way i think like you need to talk to her about the name thing and that'll give you a pretty good indication on whether or not you need to escalate this. And if you do, you do. And if you don't, maybe you need to go see someone because that's a wild leap to make. And I don't think you should have a child with someone you think is going to harm said child.

I think you just need to find a novelty-sized potato masher and just stand there and be like, I'm going to mash him. Call him Spud one more time. I'll mash him. I'll mash this baby. That's too much. Hold the giant masher over him,

and when she walks in, just look at her and shrug. Or you could, as Niall has just previously suggested, find one of those farmers who has, like, the world's biggest potato whatever, get two identical outfits, and slowly, or make like a scarecrow and slowly stuff transition him into a just a potato baby just a baby made of potatoes and see if she notices yeah see if she can tell the difference between the living potatoes have three three different

kids one is your son one is made of like of like a bunch of little potatoes with toothpicks that you have constructed. One is just a big potato that you've put the exact same outfit on top of. And be like, which one's our son? Hey, you know what? Dane messaged me just right there and said that if we hit 25 subscribers on the Patreon, he will construct a toothpick potato baby. I will. I'll do it.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, I know. You just mentioned me saying that. No, hey, I'll make this even lower stakes. If one person signs up for the Patreon at any level and stays signed up for a month, I will make a potato baby.

Okay. You know what? I'll buy you potato baby clothes to put on it. Perfect. How about that? We will actually spend more money than you get from the Patreon. That's how serious we are about this. This is why we need your support.

Because we do things like this. Yeah. Alright, hit me. Oh, you're pausing too long. I'm going to hit you. 3, 2, 1. Okay, here we go. This comes from Amber Shine. This comes from Ew. Three, two, one. Okay, here we go. It's your boy DJ Asked. This comes from Amber Shine. This comes from Reddit user Amber Shine and a bunch of numbers.

Why do most people being intimate want to be rough, fast, rather than slow, sensual? I like things sensual, slow, and romantic. I can't help but feel every date I go on just wants to bang like rabbits. What the hell happened to everyone? What the hell happened? What the hell happened what the hell what the hell happened you know what you know you know my thoughts why would i know your fucking thoughts dude how would i how would i do that i'm not even in the room yeah i just thought you cared i care just caring about something doesn't mean it happens i care about potato baby and we still don't have one more patreon oh potato baby what would we call him his nickname could be jacob

yeah we'll call him jacob like no he's a spud dane he's a spud guys i think dane might harm our baby he keeps calling him jacob no no no i'm gonna love the baby you have to be scared i'm not gonna eat him oh no yeah that would actually be the worst the worst option is that instead of us having like our weird roast potato baby viking funeral you actually keep him around and he starts to smell yeah and i've raised him as my own i'll bring him to boston all right i just did. Okay. So look, I think there's nothing wrong with a good old slow fuck, but I think maybe it's a thing from one, just like a porn holdover where it's like very rare that there's like a slow fuck porn and people learn a lot about sex from porn.

Sadly to the slowness is a certain amount of like intimacy, which like when you're hooking up or like having one night stands or at the beginning of relationship you're not kind of there yet so it could feel a little strange to like force it in that sense three it's like friction and stuff like that it's kind of what gets you off in a lot of regards so it's like the more of it the better maybe you know like when you're finishing, you usually go quicker. You don't go slower. I also think there might be something to think about here in the sense of women are starting to reclaim their sexuality and and want what they want in terms of sex. And for a very long time, women were told that they weren't supposed to like it rough. You know, that made them a slut or a whore or whatever like they were meant to be

demure and like conquered and used and blah blah blah like women taking an active role in rough or fast or hard sex was often treated negatively like a lot of dudes would be like oh like no she's a freak or whatever despite the fact that this is something that some people want so i think there's there's a bit of like this new sexual revolution that we kind of find ourselves in currently i think women are starting to be like no actually i i do want to be fucked hard i do want to be fucked rough i'm like i like being choked i like having my ass slapped and i'm not afraid to ask for it and i'm not afraid to enjoy it i think what you said is also right i think people who there are a lot of dudes who think

like it's porn so i fuck hard and i fuck rough but i think there is also uh women not being afraid to want these things as well is also becoming mainstream and and women asking for what they want which comes to the the point of this question. If you want to be fucked soft and slow, tell them. Yeah. Right. Like if I,

if I was ever having sex with a woman and they were like, Hey, can we slow it down? Absolutely. It's a lot of fucking work. Oh, hard. Right.

So if someone's like, Hey, let's just bring it down for a second. I'd love to take a rest get you know get off my hands give my wrists a break get get down on the elbows get nice and close and just like just catch my breath regulate my heart rate a little bit give me that chance i'd love it and honestly i'm a big supporter of like shaking it up anyway you know what i mean like if you guys always meet up and fuck fast,

it's like, unless that's very specifically what you both want all the time, take it a little bit passionate or like shake it up or like make it even faster. It's like, I'm all about like changing it up all the time. Anyway, no one needs to stick at the same fucking thing all the time.

It's like turning it into like a big, intense, like passionate kind of slower version of what you previously had that can be a lot of fucking fun so it's like and a lot of people i think like correlate slow with boring or slow with less passionate or slow they haven't done it right right it's like you will go slow and still fuck hard so i think i think there is plenty of options to to explore with speed and slow but again if you're going on dates and this is all you're getting it might be because you're not making what you want like you're not verbalizing what you would like you're not verbalizing your wants your needs what you would which how you would like to fuck and if you're not doing that what you would like. You're not verbalizing your wants, your needs, what you would,

which how you would like to fuck. And if you're not doing that, there's no way of anyone knowing or, or guessing. So, and as now said, like a slow romantic fuck on a first date might send the wrong message and might be,

you know, something that rattles people or scares people or, or spooks them a little. So like people might just be like, cool, this is a first date fuck. So, which is ironic because my first date fuck my getting to know you fuck is very sort of like building from the ground up i think it's very strange to go right in just like jack

hammer someone i think you've got to like really like take your time figure out things you know learn the lay of the land so like the first time i have sex with someone usually is quite slow yeah at least i he's outside taking notes well let me tell you slow and steady was the race that tortoise didn't go fucking just zipping through no sir you took it nice and slow and i do move like i'm in slow motion that's kind of part of the spudness. Because spuds aren't particularly swift. I think that's an unfair characterization. I bet on a steep enough hill, a spud could

pick up some speed. It's true. I've seen it. Of course you did. Ireland's national pastime. Don't make me. Dane, I took you to Hill Spud for a reason. And it wasn't so you could mock me on a podcast. That's what they call rugby in Ireland.

It's just everyone just goes to a really steep hill and rolls down their favorite potato. Spudby. Ready? Yeah. It's your boy DJ. Is taking her to a concert for a first date a good idea? We've kind of been friends for a couple years now, so we know a lot about each other,

and I know she adores Harry Styles. Turns out he's coming to town in a few months, and I want to invite her to this concert, but I'm not sure. It will be my first official date, as other dates have been more casual, with strangers, basically. I already know her family and everything,

so this wouldn't be like that. I don't think going on a concert first date is it's a bad idea particularly here's the thing you already know this person you've spent a lot of time with this person so i think that's okay i think if this was a first date in the sense of like you guys met on tinder or whatever or like you know you don't really know this person i think going to a concert is a bad idea because it's like going to a movie. You can't talk really. You can't really get to know each other. It's just sort of like you guys standing in silence while you watch a band or a performer or a movie.

And that's just not a great first date. But if this is just sort of like another cool hangout that you've been on and you're already quite familiar with them, I think going to a concert is a pretty cool thing thing especially if this is kind of like your first date i think it would be kind of cool to do something big to sort of set a divide between like oh those are friend hangs out hangouts and this is like this is a romantic night so i disagree for a number of reasons uh firstly it's expensive as fuck like har Harry Styles in Canada, tickets are two grand for bad seats. Okay, yes. I think, yeah, I think it also does depend heavily on the price of the concert.

Like if you're going to, you know, like a $60 concert, I think that's, you know, you'd spend 120 bucks at dinner and drinks. Yeah, but we also don't say to go to dinner on the first day, you know? I think like if it's more of like a local kind of like gig 20 to $40.

Sure. Again, this all depends on your own like personal fucking finances and all that. But the fact that it is, it looks like cheap. Like I think there's a Harry Styles gig in Texas in two months and you can start with tickets are 250 US dollars each. That's a lot of fucking money, right? One. Two, it's in a few months and that's going to be your first date like are you guys dating yeah it's weird to be like hey would you like to go on a first date four months from now yeah so it leads me to believe you guys have never talked about escalating this relationship because if you were

i don't think she'd be down to wait a couple of months even if it was for Harry Styles and if you're not then you definitely shouldn't get it for her because after spending all this money and then her being like oh you're my friend you're probably going to be double bitter so I think look ask her out right now if if for some reason you think this is going to go well ask her out great if it goes well then you can start to consider the harry styles concert right and then go on dates in between which is wonderful it seems like you're putting the cart so far before the horse that the horse it doesn't know where the cart's gone anymore i feel like that metaphor was putting the cart

before the horse the horse has no idea where it is dane there's like it's a rolling landscape of hills it could be over the next hill could be over the following hill or by the time the horse gets there someone might have jacked the cart hell it might be so far in in the future on this road that the wood has started to rot and all the potatoes fall through the cart and then the horse and the horse the horse can't fix it because the horse has hooves and i mean so it just has to look at this rotting cart. And what's it going to do now? It can't get another job.

So you're being really judgmental. You're saying spuds can't be fast. Horses can't fix carts. How dare you? Find me one horse that can fix a cart and I will make a second potato baby. There's a fucking horses that can count and shit. You don't think that there's I guess it depends on the damage damage but i bet there's a horse that could like fix a wheel yeah but like i'm talking about something that's rotting from disuse because it was put so far up this road by it's your

boy dj anyways i feel like you need to first be able to date even if you were dating and it's like it's in a few months it's a lot of you know what if you're solidly dating fine great if you were dating and it's like, it's in a few months, it's a lot of, you know what, if you're solidly dating, fine, great. If you have the money and it's not going to hurt you financially, I think it's a really nice, cool date. But it seems like you're not dating and you've already constructed like what we've talked about before. Like you have a script in your head or that you're... Yeah, I didn't clock the whole, like, 40 or, like, a couple months away and it's going to be the first date kind of thing. Yeah, but, like, literally, there's nothing in this that says anything romantic. We've kind of been friends for a couple years, know a lot about each other. It would be my first official date, as other dates I've been on have been with strangers. I already know her family. Like, okay, what about her, dude? No, no,, I already know her family. Like, okay, what about her, dude? No, no. Okay. They know his family or her family. It's fine. Also, anybody who has

commented in any way non-positively, he has lost his shit at. Very cool. Very, very cool. Yeah. As people are like, wait, what about like, you know, are you guys actually dating? And he says, me wanting to be more than a friend is pretty much out in the open. And if she says yes to the concert, I'll know she's at least interested. Probably. It's like, what? Yeah. So, hmm. Okay.

There's a problem. There's a problem with all of that. Yeah. But that's a whole different question that you didn't ask. This comes from Philip J. Fry 120. Have you ever lost your best sexual partner? I just did. Are we just done?

Are we just done? Well, I mean, yeah. Why not? Oh, okay. Don't do it. Hit me. Broke up with my girlfriend a couple weeks ago. She's the best I've been sexually.

That's a weird phrase, but okay. Yeah. She's the best I've been sexually, and I watched her grow from inexperienced to unimaginably freaky. The girl worshipped me sexually, and I her, and eventually we fulfilled all of each other's kinks and fantasies and continued to explore every day. Just beat my meat for the first time since the breakup, and was thinking about how upset I am about the whole thing. But in that moment, after the nut, I was thinking now how i'll probably never be with her sexually again and that sucks so bad okay this is really a question so much is it as it is just gotta like comfort this man hey hey dude i'll put my arm around you even though you just nutted

it's okay yeah just keep your hands away from me um so the question he asked was have you ever lost your best sexual partner and that's not what i'm gonna ask you okay the reason i brought this was i think it's a whole a smoke screen for a whole other question just wanted to lull me into a false sense of security much like that horse with that cart full of potato babies and now he's fixing it because he's not just a horse what do you mean just a horse let Let's not disparage. I actually do. I hate horses. Now you're on Team Horace, huh? Damn it. Where do you stand? Where do you stand, Niles Spain?

On four legs behind a cart. In my hooves. The whole, the reason I brought this was because I think, I think there's a danger in this mentality of being, of, of, of you know like taking breakups and then romanticizing the person you're with to the point of being not able to move on yeah it's like for sure you can recognize me like damn that was i i was you know she was great sex but you guys did break up for a reason and you can definitely think fondly back to sexual encounters. Absolutely. But I feel like this mentality is going to pose a huge problem for you in the future where you're only going to exaggerate in your head how good it was.

Because, like, if it was great, great. But now every time you watch a porn where it's someone really attractive, like, damn, she would have done that. And you will you'll start constructing like the imagination or like like an imaginary version of this person on top of the person. And that will be so unobtainable for any actual real person that in your next relationship, you're going to be like, well, I can't help but compare you to one, this other person and to this other person that I've now projected so much shit onto because I've deemed her like the best sexual partner. Yeah. Shawarma would have done this. Shawarma? I'm really hungry.

Don't mind me. Oh, man, I'm so fucking hungry. Why did you have to talk about potato babies uh yeah no 100 because i think a lot of the time when we see issues it's because people have built up someone in their head either in the case of your boy dj where he's built up an entire narrative where this person knows and cares about him as a part of a bitch who brought him back i brought him back so the thing about harry styles concerts is um also we never talked about how she's gonna want to date you get to the concert and then be like oh no i want to date harry styles shit you're dj no styles where was i yeah people build up their their exes or people in general into like this thing that you know roast into

glasses it's not as good as you're imagining or else you guys would still be together you know what i mean although in this case he never talks about her personality just her sex and also weirdly says the best he's been but okay um and it's worrying that's already happening so quickly yeah so i think like look i'm giving you the same advice i would give for someone who just said i And it's worrying that it's already happening so quickly. Yeah. So I think like, look, I'm giving you the same advice I would give for someone who just said, I just broke up with my soulmate, like the best partner I ever had. It's like, look, it fucking sucks, right? You're obviously going to need to take a minute and feel what you're feeling. It sucks to lose a partner.

It sucks to lose someone you're romantically attracted to or someone you are very much sexually attracted to or fit so well sexually, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It all sucks. Is that the only person in the world who's going to fill that niche? No, not at all. We've all felt heartbroken and we've all felt like, oh, that was it. That was the person who was the best. But you go on and you find someone who's as good, if not better. And I think that's just what you got to remember. You'll go on and you find someone who's as good if not better and i think that's just what you gotta remember you'll go out and you'll have more fun sex once you don't fall into the trap of like immortalizing this person in your mind as like this unobtainable sex god yeah because i promise you that the the sex not to disparage it wasn't as good as you're now remembering it and not to

say that the sex wasn't incredible not to say the sex wasn't the best you've ever had but it's it's so easy easy easy to think back at something that you no longer have and be like it was the best it was it was so good and then like i said like you snowball what it actually was and then you start imagining what it could have been and then you don't remember what what was what it was was what it could have been or what it was yeah been and then you don't remember what what was what it was was what it could have been or what it was yeah um and then you're just like then you're you're so fucked because yes no one can compete with the imaginary perfect sex goddess that you create you just can't and and like everyone will be disappointing to you and you're going to miss out on actual really great opportunities and sexual partners and potential relationships because you're holding people to a benchmark that doesn't even exist.

Yeah. So again, it sucks, but you unfortunately have to move on. And like pining after this thing is not going to help you do that. Yeah. So good luck. I'm sorry, but try not to try not to inflate this this imaginary person up too much it also like quick detour there does seem to be a worrying dehumanization of his partner where all he gives a fuck about is the sex and like maybe that was your guy's

whole deal but like it worries me a little bit yeah this is a deleted user new neighbor 20s 30s male follows me 24 year old, on all my walks, slash invites himself along, slash gets my mail for me, and I'm getting annoyed and uneasy. About four months ago, I relocated from one major US city, New York, to another, Austin. I'm a 24-year-old woman. I live with two male roommates. I have a large breed dog about a year ago. I got a large breed dog about a year ago.

It was pretty massive. As an irresponsible dog owner should, I take him on a few runs a day and spend a fair amount of time outside with him, letting him go to the bathroom, tiring him out, and playing in allocated areas and trails around my apartment complex. About a month after I moved in, a new tenant started living in my building right above us. I hadn't really talked to him, but he would smile and wave to me from his balcony, which he was seemingly on every hour of the day, or at least every time I was out there. I would smile and nod back to be polite. He eventually began leaning over his balcony to talk to me. Wouldn't be much, just things like, I like your dog, what's his name, he's huge, is he a

service animal, can I ask why? Or once asking me if I read my horoscope and offering to read it for me, just really specific and random things. I always decline to move along with my walk. About a month or two ago, however, every time I go out to walk my dog, or on morning runs where I don't bring my dog, he comes off his balcony in like jeans, so he's definitely not trying to go jogging himself, and walks slash runs alongside me and talks to me about random shit. His political opinions, conspiracy theories, intellectually exhaustive topics, which I don't mind in general, but I don't want to talk about subjective realism while jogging. He doesn't just stop and turn around after a few minutes, even if I'm like, okay, bye, which I have tried. If I jog slash walk three laps, he does too. If I jog out of the complex, he does. If I run too fast for him,

he trails behind me and follows me, completely uninvited. A few times I've purposely left him in the fucking dust, and later when I see him outside, say nothing and walk by thinking he'll get the hint, but he doesn't. I've even told him, can't talk, gotta get this done and get back to work, and he will proceed to climb over his balcony and follow me all the way to my door. Sometimes if I have an Amazon package and it gets left in my door, he'll grab it and knock, and when he answers, it says, mail time, didn't want to get stolen. It's pretty annoying, and I'm extremely put off by him. My roommates have no issue with him, so I should speak to the leasing office about it, but what do I say? Hey, the guy above me is too friendly and nice? There's no way they can do anything about that. I can't even walk to my

car without him tagging along. He also got a dog last week and will approach me and my dog now when we're playing, and our dogs will end up playing together. They get along really well, and my dog stops once I call for it, but why isn't he at least asking first? It's multiple times a day. He forces me to spend time with him. I cannot get away. For context, he's not that far off my age, 30 at most. If he wasn't trying to talk to me all the time, I probably wouldn't mind being friendly with him. This is too intense. I don't like the attention. It's like I can never be alone.

No clue what he does for a living aside from cybersecurity or some kind of ethical computer studies. His words, not mine. I don't think he's socially inept either because he doesn't do this to my roommates or other neighbors who also are women around my age. How should I go putting an end to this and getting my independence back? I mean, I don't like going to the leasing office. I don't think you're saying, hi, my neighbor is really friendly. It's like, hi, my neighbor is stalking me. Yeah, because this isn't a this isn't a thing of being too friendly. Like being too friendly is he notices your dog leash is getting a little old and fraying. And there's a,

you know, a new dog leash sitting on your doorstep and that's it. Or, you know, he's baked you with your whole roommates, like cookies or no, like that's friendly stuff. Jumping over his balcony.

That is above yours to go. I will say, Hey hey if he's jumping off the first floor every time you do anything that's a fucking cool move bro that's like i'm confused as to the like the geographic situation of this but like going for a run like the the fact of like being like can you not just put headphones in and just be like sorry and then just run like is he just gonna run alongside you i think he's read that incredible dan article so he's negated the the headphone defense yeah i mean it's one of those things where it's just like i i think you do have to be very blunt with this guy and hope it doesn't go poorly of being like hey i when i go on my morning runs i like to do them alone

i'm i would just like that uh some alone time when i'm on my run and if he doesn't understand that if he doesn't get it then i think you do have to sort of get the leasing office involved to be like hey i've asked this guy to leave me alone he follows me on my runs i don't feel safe i he touches you know he touches my mail he's you know jumping over balconies and shit and it's it's starting to become a problem where like i can't go to my car without him tagging along and i've asked him not to but until you ask this guy to stop yeah it might be one of those things where he might think like he might just be so fucking you know either head over heels for you and has to be crushed that he's like doing stupid shit and thinks that this is okay and thinks that you guys are like best friends or it is something more malicious. But like until you actually have the conversation, be like, hey, dude, it's becoming a little bit much like you follow me to my car.

You come out when I'm with my dog. You follow me on my runs like I do need some space and I need some time alone. If I want to hang out with you, I'll hang out with you. But you can't interpose yourself into all of my social interactions. You can't interpose yourself into my life every time you see me. It's too much. And the worst thing is it's like even if it's not this ignorant kind of like dumbass shit, he's then going to use the fact that you never said no

as like a defense right so i think you really do unfortunately have to say that i do think the headphones is a good like a good call right because like if you come out and he jumps down i would say just like hey i listen to my favorite podcast fuck buddies sorry this is kind of like my time and it's like i cannot imagine someone being like, no, I'm going to keep talking. I'm going to run with, like, you know. But you do, unfortunately, need to be clear. And that sucks because that puts you in a scary position. I get it.

But I don't think, obviously, nothing else is working so far. I'm like, hey, fuck it. If you say it and he ignores it 100 straight to the leasing office yeah and there it might not be worth or it might not be a bad idea to get one of your male roommates to like come for a morning run with you the day that you plan on you know what i mean like have him sort of like waiting in the wings in the door where you can't see him so that he doesn't you know come down just because there's another guy there like go down and if when that guy comes out he can come out through the the thing and be like you just because there's another guy there, like go down. And if, when that guy comes out, he can come out through the thing and be like,

you just, just there for backup. He doesn't have to like mean mug them or whatever, but like, in case it goes sideways, he can come out and be like, Hey dude, like she's,

she's kind of laid it out for you and you're going to need to back off. Cause at least one, he'll know that there's a dude living with you too. He knows that like someone's there and has your back and three, that there's a dude living with you two he knows that like someone's there and has your back and three that there was a witness yeah so he can't he can't try to say that you did anything stupid he will hopefully be discouraged from taking it any further in terms of like physicality or anything because a lot of these guys do unfortunately only sort of recognize the the threat of another dude so hopefully the idea of like being like this is my my roommate fuck off and hopefully that is

enough to get this guy to leave you alone otherwise yes you do have to go and be like hey this guy has is following me to my car is going on my morning runs comes out every time i'm out is leaning over the balcony like i have no peace from this guy yeah like yeah 100% what dan said like go outside and like do your like minute stretch while a roommate kind of like waits in the hallway because you know he'll fucking jump off his balcony come say hi then you drop it on them and then at least they're there and as i said they've witnessed it so if you talk to the leasing office you have had someone who's haired it and then they'll know someone haired it etc but like this isn't good behavior even well-meaning which i doubt it fucking is uh this person needs

to i'm like that would fucking suck aside from all the creepiness and the kind of like implicit threat and like all this other awful shit which is very clear like i just know like you need time for yourself you need to be able to walk your dog without it being scary and uncomfortable it sounds like an actual nightmare like yeah i i bartend for a living and in my job to have small talk with strangers i cannot imagine every time i left my house i was then forced to talk to someone i had no interest in talking to and being like this is always this is like every facet of my life now has this guy interposing himself into it it like it's just so that sounds like a fucking nightmare i would be so stressed all the time i would be so anxious

all the time of being like i want to take the garbage out but i can't yeah or just like having to like look out your window and be like fuck like are they there like or are you seeing them and like you have that relief as they leave that you can finally go bring the trash out and not you know like fuck that yeah unfortunately like the other thing is like just not entertain it so like when you take your dog out be like okay cool thank you and then put your headphones in and like pretend to get on a call or actually call someone you do want to talk to put in music and if he tries to talk to you just be like point to your headphone shake your head yeah give him like that that finger and then not the other finger which hey maybe you could progress

to that but just like oh sorry, sorry. And then just go. Yeah. And it's like, if you're going for a run, just like, just go. And if he tries to talk to you, be like, sorry, I'm running right now. Yeah. And if he tries to talk, just be like, no, sorry, I'm running right now. And just keep like saying that, cutting him off and just like, unfortunately, like that is kind of how you have to treat people.

Yeah. People like this, they eat off that politeness because that it's like every inch they take a mile you know what i mean so like unfortunately being nice it's it's what we all want to do and try to do for various reasons you know what i mean initially i'm sure out of actual kindness and later on out of probably awkwardness and fear and discomfort but it's like fucking unfortunately that's not going to cut it in this situation i think you just gotta like what dane said headphones in as little of a response as possible especially if you've actually told him to stop yeah like if

you're taking your garbage just be like sorry i can't talk and just like garbage in and just go back inside and just like eventually hopefully he will get the hint But I do think you do need to be very specific about, about like being like, Hey dude, you need to cool it. It's becoming a bit much and I'm stressing me out. You need to relax. I think one thing that might be good is like get a GoPro or something.

Cause I know a lot of people like film their runs or I guess you could even just use your phone. But like that first time when you say, please, can you leave me alone? I record it. You know, I think subtly works better. You know, that's why I was saying like, if you have a GoPro, like strapped to like your running gear, maybe it looked like you're just trying to like record your jog or whatever. But if you have it running when they talk to you, at least then, you know, you'll have like a little bit of stuff to fall back on. i don't think there's

any harm in documenting and then the next time you go to run if he follows you you'll have that you know etc so i think do that for sure and good luck i'm sorry this sucks yeah that's like my actual sort of like nightmare situation and not not funny just having to talk to someone i don't want to talk to all the time well even then it's like honestly i don't think this person means well at all and i think like i don't know there's a lot of creepy things he's doing like in general but like getting friendly with his dog as well as her dog is weird because it's like then that's kind of one layer of protection stripped back if your dog actually likes this guy right it's not going to do anything if we want to talk about nefarious things it's like one he now knows your running routes

yep he knows where you live he knows your schedule he knows when you're coming and going he knows he's now made friends with your dog so if he does try to do something shady your dog won't immediately identify him as an aggressor um like There's so many things here that are huge red flags. The fact that he knows you run early in the morning and he knows the routes you take. He knows how fast you are. Everybody in the building probably sees you guys together. So it's like if you say something, he might be like,

oh, we hang out all the time. You know what I mean? To them, they probably see you too every day of every minute, of every moment because he's always on you when you're in the public. Either way, this needs to end. And unfortunately, being polite isn't going to do it. I'd say be direct, take records, and do not hesitate to report him the second your boundaries that you've now established are in any way tested. I would also say bring your male roommate with you when you make the complaint and have him like,

because unfortunately women still aren't believed or taken serious for a lot of things. If it's like, especially with like condo and apartment complex people, like those dudes don't give a fuck. As long as the people are paying the rent, they don't give a shit about any of that stuff. Right.

So they're probably just being like, oh, she's just being sensitive. She's just being whatever. She's just being that she's stuck up. She's like, you definitely could get a shitty person. I think the more people there to witness what they say to you and also to kind of drive home the import is better. It's always best to err on the side of caution. So, yeah, for sure. Unfortunately, having a male voice

when it comes to making these kinds of complaints, I think will be beneficial, unfortunately. It sucks that that's the case, but I would rather you get this resolved with a nod to the patriarchy than not being believed and something happens. No, for sure. Again, if there's something you can do,

the best you can do the best you can do it do it that way anyway good luck i'm sorry that fucking sucks and if you recognize anything you're doing in anything that guy has been just told to have been doing stop you know what i mean don't be that fucker please i can't imagine you're listening to this podcast and also doing that but if you are just don't if you're inviting yourself on a run for someone like that you you haven't been expressly been like oh hey let's go for runs together and are just chasing after someone and talking at them yeah it's bad it's funny as well like i wanted to joke about just being like you what you got to do is get so fit that you just like leave them in the dust and i just kept reading i'm like oh no you've you've

done it and this fucker i don't know it's insane so i hate questions like this so i really hope that this gets resolved in this fucking bag of dicks can learn to start being a real fucking human all right that's gonna do us for the episode. Before we leave you, we like to hop on online dating platforms at the end of the episode to see what people are putting on their profiles. Comb them for red flags. See what works. See what doesn't work. In an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. This is Jasmine.

Here for a long time. A good time. A short time. All the time. No time. Back in time. Time travel. A short time. All the time. No time. Back in time. Time travel. I like it.

There are increasing amounts of ellipses between the towards the end. I think it's very funny. I think it's funny. I'm giving it an eight. Yeah, I'm giving it an eight as well. This is also Jasmine. People are still straight? grow up rainbow emoji

man let me tell you there is nothing more upsetting than being straight like I'm just like it's the most boring option but like you know you can't change who you are I'm a straight guy but

I do like look and just be like I feel like I'd have more fun if I wasn't. But I'm just not attracted to anyone else. Yeah, we're on the shit team. We really are. I think it's very funny. I think this is going to be an eight for me as well. Is it just jasmines are hilarious? It could be.

This is Anissa. Brown sugar beauty with a juicy booty looking for my 40th kill on my 40th birthday tonight. We'll be downtown all night. Are you ready to party with me? I really hoped the rhyme would continue, and you really disappointed me when it didn't. Kill. 40th. Why such violent language? I don't know. It's it's weird but hey they know what they're about i'm sure for someone that's the perfect profile

uh and i gotta applaud her for shooting her shot you're saying that assuming that she doesn't literally mean that she would like to kill her 40th person tonight that also true i did have a man stop me on the street the other day and tell me that he was a serial killer. And I was like, cool, bud. Nice. And as I walked off, he muttered, I'll kill you. And I was like, that's horrifying.

This is like 430 in the day. It was very sunny out. They didn't seem all that fucked up. It was really strange. The perfect serial killer. What do you do? What do you do to that? I'm like walking off. I'm like, what if he is he is but like do i just citizen arrest him and be like yes police

that's what he said to me also then i probably get stabbed anyway uh i'm gonna give it a six okay again for what they're looking for probably a great profile profile. Yeah, I guess. I'm going to put it at a five. The thing is, they're just going to go bone. They want a bone. They want a bone tonight. That profile is going to lure in the people that want a bone or be killed. It's the kill. The 40th kill is what's not selling if it was 40 as fuck 40th lay 40th whatever like use whatever whatever you

know what i mean even if it was just like 40th head count like i don't know i think just the number specification is weird i think it would be infinitely better just being like want to get laid on my 40th birthday great maybe they have to fuck or kill one person a year to survive. That's what I'm thinking. Like Concord going. Right? Like maybe their mother died during childbirth, so that was her like level, you know,

right out the gate, perfect. And then by two, she was like, look, I've already got it. Like, I can't ruin the streak. We're just getting going. I'm pretty sure I just mixed up contract and accord and said Concord. But either way, you know what I mean? No, no, no. But again, is it a red flag to me?

Yes. Is it probably a good profile for someone else doing what it intends to do? Yes. So I give it a six. You dropped out one. Okay. I did. I'm giving it a five.

I mean, teetering on a four. Okay. Are you ready for Megan? Mm- one. Okay. I did. I'm giving it a five. I mean, teetering on a four. Okay. Are you ready for Megan? Mm-hmm. 31. Looking for a serious, committed relationship. If you're about friends and hobbies, it won't work. Do not waste my time.

If you don't own a home and car and have a career, swipe left. Golfers, swipe left. If you're here to see where it goes and grab a drink swipe left the oh man you had me at friends and hobbies like yeah what i don't understand what you think life is yeah if you want to have an enjoyable life get out of here i will not date you you need to be miserable but also have a home and a car and a career. And never golf. Jesus, this is so bad. This is a zero.

It is a pretty emphatic zero. This is Jenna. Short person. Decent runner. Terribly cute. I'm into art, education, direct sunlight, good design, running and cycling, affordable housing, apocalypse movies, chess, craft dinner, my pup Ruka. I like it.

It's solid. I think it's like a nice eight. Yeah, I think it's good too. It's cute. I get enough of them. There's like a hint of humor there. They have a dog. They actually give us information about themselves, which is sadly rare.

Yeah, it's one of those like list profiles that I think is done well. Yeah. All right. Ready for Josephine? Mm-hmm. Full name's Josephine, but please call me Joey. I'm a witch and my favorite type of magic is lesbomancy. Scissors emoji.

When I said I wanted to be fucked by demons, I meant like a succubus with big tits, not clinical depression. Sad face. Just kind of looking for someone to vibe with. If we end up doing the horizontal bop, that's cool too. Shrug emoji oh this gives me so much cringiness i cringe i cringe real hard it just seems like it's trying so hard to be like i'm sex positive i'm a witch like it's no this is gonna be a three for me you know what i get where you're coming from but i do kind of find it like funny like i feel like a lot of the like bringing up depression

or whatever stuff is like not like this is kind of funny it's not it's not terrible like i don't hate it lesbomancy is funny but like it just that's. I think I'm going to give it a six. It's just not... Maybe I'll bump it up to a four. They are very much like, I'm a goth and I like sex. But you know what? They did it in a way that's acceptable. It's a six. That's fair.

I'm keeping it at a four. This is my last one. This is cat. It's hard out here. Here's some cat photos. Little treat for you on your Tinder grind. And then it is just a bunch of pictures of cats. Well, I know for sure that you've given this ten. It's hard out here. Here's some cat photos. Little treat for you on your Tinder grind. And then it is just a bunch of pictures of cats. Well, I know for sure that you've given this 10.

It's a 10. Hey, I appreciate what they're doing. It's also objectively a bad profile because they give us nothing about them. So, 7. Any pictures of them? No, it's literally just a cat. It's a cat break. 6. They're not trying to date.

They're just trying to give you a little pause from the existential horror. Exactly. They have a little pause, a little cute pause. A little fuzzy pause. Jelly beans. Ready for Jess? Yes. Chubby leftist angel.

Part-time artist. Terrified bisexual. 5 p.m. stoner. Childless cool aunt. Longboarding menace. Taurus Leo Leo. sexual 5 p.m stoner childless cool aunt longboarding menace taurus leo leo lover of coffee and gossip an entire sunday spent in bed on long walks rewarded with drinks down to kiss or be friends or be friends who kiss no cops biggest zionists anti-vax conservatives turfs swerves crypto bros etc there's a lot in there i like and there's a lot in there i don't like and i don't know how

i feel about any of it it's a pretty powerful profile i have to give this just a five right down the middle because like some of it i'm like yeah hell yeah and then other stuff i'm just like no you know what i think i'm giving it a six as well okay i don't mind i don't mind the negative list at the end because they're all objectively shitty things so that's fine yeah i'm on board with that don't kiss your friends i like that torres leo leo is i think the worst thing on this profile because they're doing that like what's your rising sign but like coffee and gossip entire Sunday spent in bed. I love long walks rewarded with drinks. Yeah.

Okay. Seven. It's a seven. And I'm going to bump it up to a six. Okay. You did it, Jess. You did it.

That's going to do us for the show. Friends. Thank you very much. It has been a pleasure. We love doing this. Thank you for spending an hour of your time every week with us. We do it for you. So it means a lot when

you hang out with us. Thank you very much. We adore the heck out of you guys. If you want to see us make a potato baby, head over to Patreon. We are dead serious whenever we say things like this. Just a heads up. Thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars.

Yeah, head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com Click the contact form if you have a question you want to send to us. We keep it anonymous. You choose your agent name. We will never reveal your secrets to anybody except for the podcast, but again, they'll never know it's you. Also, the Patreon link is right there, so click that. We have a bunch of

different options. 3, 7, 13, and 50 I think. There's another higher one. The $7 one gets you a bonus episode every month. Any of them will get you a very amazing picture of my potato baby that I will create for you. So all you got to do, just head on over to that Patreon and support us for a month. So for bad sex writing this week, there is a male novelist description generator where you have a sentence with blanks and you have columns of things that fill this in and you basically go through it with the letters of your name and figure out what the sentence reads. I've done a spell.

Are you ready? Yep. So you are. She had lips like a silken popsicle and I shuddered to hire her. I would absolutely believe that sentence. So, good job, generator. And mine is, she had mammaries like a luscious kitten,

and I expected to emotionally manipulate her. Yeah, again. This sounds like we're reading that Japanese novelist guy. It really does. Maybe I'll post this, and listeners can give us their fucked up shit. Thank you very much for listening.

My name is Dave Miller. And I am an emotionally manipulated kitten. Meow. We've been your fuck buddies. you