F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 194 - Summer Sex Toy-A-Palooza

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Head on over to http://lovehoney.co/Fbuddies and use our limited time code: FUCKBUDDIES20 This week we're talking all things sex toys thanks to our friends over at LoveHoney.  Topics include choosing a vibrator over sex, requiring toys to get the big O, discrete toy purchases, the perfect solution to spicing up a long distance relationship, using toys to meet your sexual needs in a relationship and the ethics of using toys with multiple partners.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice show where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them on the topics of sex and dating. And for the first time I think ever, we have an actual specific themed episode because this week we are sponsored by the amazing people over at Love Honey. And if you're unfamiliar, Love Honey are the world's largest online sex store and have been for the past 20 years. Not only are they famous for offering the widest selection of lingerie and sex toys, including the revolutionary WeVibe, but also for their unparalleled customer service and yet because of this uh pretty cool opportunity we've been sponsored and we're going to do a full episode just about sex toys we're going to be talking about them we're going to be answering your questions about them we're going to be maybe giving you a special little treat at some point in time in regards maybe maybe um and once again, this is all thanks to the wonderful and lovely people over at Love Honey.

Now, do you want to kick us off, Dane? No, I don't. No, you don't. You do it. Wonderful. I have so many questions. I don't know where to start, which, as you know, is not usual for me. It is.

How do you want to start? Let's start slow. Let's low ball, like slow ball, you know, is not usual for me. It is. How do you want to start? Let's start slow. Let's lowball, like slowball, you know, underhand pitch. So we just like crank it out of the park and then get spicy. This is by Public Performance 780. My girlfriend, 28-year-old female, complains about frequency of sex, but won't communicate her needs to me, 28-year-old male, but will grab a sex toy without hesitation.

My girlfriend, 28, and I, 28-year-old male, but will grab a sex toy without hesitation. My girlfriend, 28, and I, 28-year-old male, have been together for some years now. We know each other intuitively and have great sex when we do. We both agree on this. It's not just my perspective. If anything, she complains we don't have sex enough. Our normal amount is two or three times per week. I respond to this complaint simply asking her to speak up slash communicate and say she's in the mood.

She gives horrible nonverbal cues or no cues at all and is unwilling to just say when she's in the mood. She gives horrible nonverbal cues or no cues at all and is unwilling to just say when she's in the mood. Try to make it easier for her or more comfortable for her to say she's in the mood or give me some nonverbal signals but still nothing. But I will often walk in the bedroom when she's using her toy or come in the room to find it lying on the bed. I don't care that she masturbates. I do also. I just asked her to let me know when she's in the mood, in whatever she will, so I can at least have the opportunity to satisfy this complaint of not enough sex. After asking her multiple times to speak up or trying to make her comfortable giving me some signal, I'm getting frustrated with her just using the sex toy as her go-to choice instead of getting more comfortable communicating her sexual needs. What should I do?

I have to add this as a final point of clarity for those who will reply. I don't care if she masturbates. I do also. Masturbation is not the issue. The sex is not even the issue. Communication is the issue. Especially when there is a complaint about the frequency of how much we do it what should i do it i think this is might be the first time we've ever had a question where they actually acknowledge the importance of communication yeah it is funny to

to be like oh they're not communicating 193 episodes we finally have someone who i feel like has a real problem not that the other people didn't have problems but a lot of people just hadn't talked about them yet 193 episodes of nothing and now finally well a lot of those problems could immediately be solved with a simple conversation but this one it's it's nice to have to go a little deeper i like this one first bravo you guys seem to have a go a little deeper. I like this one first. Bravo. You guys seem to have a pretty solid relationship. It said just years of being together, right? Yeah. Some years.

So I think it's the trouble with this one is I think it's tough to determine when she wants to have sex and when she wants to masturbate. Yeah. Because those are two very distinct needs and wants and things that need to be satisfied in different ways i think where it gets tricky is when with the complaint of not having enough sex but then this like frequent use of the the thing i think that's where we we start to sort of like you really gotta like i like i would love to know what the answer is when he said or like what she says when he's like, Hey,

if you want to have more sex, all you got to do is ask for it. You just got to let me know. Like, what does she say at that point in time? Like that's, I feel like really crucial information that we have not been given. Well,

I think like one important thing to communicate is kind of what you said is that like masturbation and sex are very different things. So like every time she masturbates isn't necessarily a time that she wanted to have sex. Absolutely. Yeah. And we've talked about before, because there is like a certain kind of like alone time and like comfort and all these things that are wrapped up in masturbation that aren't necessarily related to sex, right?

So I know this person says he's fine with masturbation, that it's not the issue, but it does seem to be almost some bleed over there where like, either he's equating masturbation and sex or he's, you know, not sure where that line goes. Cause yeah, I'm sure maybe there were times where they wanted to and didn't feel comfortable announcing their horniness. Yeah. It's, it's, this is, I think we really like in order to really suss this out we do need to know her response of this conversation um but i think what you need to do is at least what i would do is tell them be like hey so you've said that you would like to have more sex also i don't know how long you guys been dating but it was like what three or four times a week yeah it's

not bad it says two to three times but still you know i think two to three is pretty good after a couple years of dating like that is that's a pretty solid track record in my opinion but again everyone has different needs everyone's sex drive is a little different so if she would like to have sex more than that what i would suggest here is one have that conversation again and really kind of like don't let it go of hey you want to have more sex and I would be willing to you know fit slot that into my my timetable I just need to know you know if if there's a moment where I might not necessarily be angling for it it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to have sex or I couldn't be convinced so you know

give me give me some concrete evidence that you would like to have sex that being said i also understand that sometimes you just want to crank one out by yourself because you're stressed or you just kind of like are so horny it just needs to get done or you know like not feeling the like you know the need to be with somebody else at that moment you know what i mean or she's got that good sex toy yeah so i think you need to maybe try to initiate some more if you're willing to have more sex and it's not putting you out to have more sex then maybe take take a little initiative here. And maybe that is like a need that she's looking for is for your initiative here of being like, okay, you know, we're kind of just chilling, doing our thing and maybe go over and like, see if she needs something. Even if it is just something as simple as like, you know, mutual masturbation or fingering her or going down on her and then being like, okay, you good?

I'm out. Bye. masturbation or fingering her or going down on her and then being like okay you good i'm out bye yeah i also think like that's a very important thing if you're also like if she's the one that usually initiates then you definitely need to to look into that you know what i mean if you're the one that usually initiates i could understand why you don't want to do that all the time especially when you're not getting those signals maybe maybe a safe word or like, you know, a secret word that isn't, Hey, I'm horny, but is just a phrase that like, I don't know if it's an embarrassment thing or like a repression thing, but it's like, if it's just one inane

phrase or word that she gets to use, maybe that'll be slightly easier for her. Yeah. You could do even like non-verbal stuff like maybe you have like get a bandana and put it on the doorknob if if it's like if she's like in the mood and you guys are doing your thing and if you walk by and see it you'd be like oh okay she's uh the sex is on the table here and that way like you also as as a man are obligated to provide sex every time and like we've talked about this a lot of being like you know you're allowed to not want to have sex so if you're not in the mood just because the fucking you know bandana the the pink bandana is on the the doorknob you don't have

to go in and be like all right here we go like i don't want to do this but i'm a man so i gotta um but it's nice to be like okay the signal's there she is she is in the mood and would be okay with some sex right now and you know what yeah let's go or if you want to just you know hang out and play video games because that's what you're doing or you know get some work done or whatever else is happening in your life then you can make that choice as well. And maybe even just like, you know, if you come in and she's either using her toy or has used her toy, you could even just let her know, be like, Hey, if there's ever a point where you're doing this and you want me to come join in, you can let me know. Or again, maybe there's a different bandana for that. Like I'm going to go to town on myself. If you want to come join great, because

then it will leave masturbation to its own thing and it'll give you this kind of like hybrid model where like if she's just horny and wants to get you and the toy in on the action great yeah get a whole color code system of being like blue is is masturbation time do not disturb pink is come on in and let's fuck you know yellow is is i'm masturbating but you can join if you want and then it's like then you that like because i i get it i don't think a whole lot of women have a whole lot of experience about or with being rejected for sex so i don't know if there's something in her past or something with your past of her asking for sex and you being like, actually, I'm really tired.

And that being something, you know, when your face was something you're not used to, it kind of impacts you a lot more than something if you're used to or acclimatized to. So, like, maybe there was a day where you did refuse sex and that was really embarrassing for her or that was really you know it really rattled something in her and she was just like oh i don't want to do that again fuck that sucked even then it's like some people don't like whatever way they brought up or whatever way their relationship is to sex like they don't necessarily feel comfortable being the initiator or they feel like a lot of awkwardness around the situation which again isn't necessarily fair to dump it all on you so i think you know, you guys have been communicating pretty well so far, just continuing that conversation and not

just giving it up now that you're a little bit of the way through talking about possible like safe words or even like the bandana idea or joining in or, you know, just letting them know that the reality is either they communicate with you or else you kind of have to initiate all the time which is not great and lastly if they are the one who always initiates maybe that's the problem is that they find that you're not the one doing it and that can be demoralizing and kind of a bummer so good luck yeah this comes from agent averro um they we put out a blast on our instagram and we got a few questions sent in um so this is one of them from y'all i've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now prior

to being single for a very long time with a pretty consistent long-term fuck buddy sex with my boyfriend is super fun and passionate but i found it's difficult to orgasm with him and then in brackets it says not just him but anyone my previous fuck buddy always used my vibrator on me during sex, or I used it on myself during sex to help me come during penetrative sex. However, my boyfriend gets really weird with sex toys and I can tell it hurts his self-esteem. What can I do to let him know that this,

that me using a toy has no bearing on his abilities as a lover, but rather as a requirement for my body, not just with him, but with everyone I've had sex with. That's a very good sentence to explain it. First off, step one, say that to him. Yeah. Cause like, you know, it's, it's funny. I feel like a lot of the times writing out a question, it crystallizes it almost in your own mind. And then we just have to be like that, that right there, you know, that's what you need to do. And I think the only help you're going to need is if that doesn't go well,

in which case you send them to this episode. So we can explain the variety of, of ways that this good one, when your partner finishes, that's good for everybody. It doesn't matter that it was you or a fucking toy. And like the weird ego that people have around that needs to end. That's what this episode is going to do. partner finishes that's good for everybody doesn't matter that it was you or a fucking toy and like the weird ego that people have around that needs to end that's what this episode is going to do

it's going to eject that into the sun yeah we're putting it in the box we're adding it to the box and shooting it to the sun yeah the sun box but like secondly as a guy it's like on top of the fact that like that again i'm finishing the best it's great it frees you up to do more you know what i mean? Sometimes it can be really awkward to like maintain your balance in certain positions or, you know, get that arm in when you want to be doing something else. And it's like being able to take that pressure off yourself, whether by them using the vibrator or like you just kind of having to hold it in place while it does the leg work.

It frees you up for so much more. It's like you're then going to have more coordination to like grab a boob or like kiss a neck or like get into a position that's more comfortable for you and these are all great fucking things it's always wild to me that people are okay like if a woman said to a dude oh hey i can only come when i'm on top do you mind if i ride you to finish myself off? They'd be like, yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Not a problem. And no one would get worried about that. But if someone's just like, oh, hey, the only way I can finish is with a vibrator. Can we use that?

Oh, so I'm not enough for you? It's like, that's not what they're saying at all. Because you could make that argument if they were like, oh, the only way I can come on top is on top. You'd be like, oh, so isn't i can't do it like oh you gotta be in charge it's like there's a lot of different stimuli and a lot of like whether it's mental whether it's physical it doesn't matter but there's a lot of things that people need in a checklist sometimes to orgasm or even just like lube if someone pulls out lube and everyone's like whoa whoa whoa these are all tools that are just going to make everything easier and better for people. There's a time and a place for them. And it's just like, people need to step away from that, like kind of just reactive fear.

And also it's like the funny thing about like, oh, like I'm not good enough or you don't need me. It's like, they want you. That's why they're here. If it was a case of like the sex toy over you, they'd just be at home using the sex toy. I think that really needs to be what people focus on. And I think you've absolutely fucking nailed it in the sense that sex is and should be a consensual decision between two people. Not because it's needed, but because it's neat or like needed but because it's wanted because you have chosen someone and been like hey i connect with you on whatever level that you're currently looking for and

i've chosen you to have sex with and that is like just that alone should be enough of an ego boost that you should be riding that high for a very long time. You know what I mean? You should be like, cool, this person wants to get naked with me and have sex with me. One of the most fun a human being can have. And one of the most potentially intimate moments that two people can have together. So you've got to focus on that. And it's like anything else that happens during that time, you need to realize that, oh, hey, all of this is happening because they want me here. And the alternative is me not being here at all.

So if you ever get weird about sex toys or, you know, lighting or positions or whatever, you know, it'd be weird. Like, it'd be like someone getting really upset. If I was like,

Oh, this blowjob feels incredible, but like, can you use your hand? That'll help me come well and then be like oh my mouth isn't good enough it's like i've seen so many questions where people are like so scared of toys yet i've never had a question where it's like oh she used her hand to work her clit while i was fucking her no one gets upset about that well i'm sure there's

someone but i've seen people get upset about well okay but less people yeah there's something about it being a an actual physical object that they can like attach their fear to um and we're just here to say don't do that don't do it because you're gonna miss out on a lot of fun the gamut of sex toys there's a whole bunch of them and they can be really great and it's like to close off that door out of just like fear of not being enough is, is not the way to do it. And look guys, I'm,

I don't consider myself a lazy lover, but if I got the option to not have to like crank my wrist down and angle in the right, the right, you know, angle for my dick so that I can also, you know, sort of massage the clit with my finger. If I could just have a little cool fucking

toy and just be like, boop, and not have to worry about, you know, pacing or rhythm or anything like that, and I could just keep doing what I'm doing, why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? It would be like someone being like, oh, hey, do you want this paint roller?

And be like, no, no, I've got my tiny miniature brush. Thank you. And why would they even buy a brush when I have a toothbrush at home? It'll do just as well. Yeah. So people need to just take a breath. And I think this is probably going to come up in a lot of questions, depending. But just I feel like it's a common issue.

And it's like, no man this is these are toys they're for they're fun they're good i used to hook up with someone who specifically had i mean it was a it was a a pretty like intricate toy but they like would specifically be like okay after we have sex it's like there's no way i'm gonna come it's just like i just it just doesn't happen for me but i'll bust out my toy afterwards and you can you can do whatever you want with me as long as you're using this toy i mean so it was like after sex i got like another blow job while i used this toy on them and that was like that was what they wanted i was like this is the best but i know there's a lot of people out there who would

be like oh i'm not enough i'm like nah it's dumb it's something to think yeah it's like if your partner asks for something that's not them criticizing you right if they're like oh a little bit harder a little bit faster a little bit slower or like oh this position is uncomfortable or i love this position like those are all things that are accentuating your fucking sexual experience making it better toys are no Okay, you ready for another one? Yeah. This is by Jixxishizijidaba. It's a lot of letters.

How do I buy a sex toy without my parents knowing? I'm 17, turned 18 in two weeks. I've been thinking about buying one for a long time, planning on getting it on eBay. I'm scared. What if my parents get to it before me? And usually when you buy something off the internet, it says on the package what you bought. I have the money, but I've been so hesitant on what if on eBay. I'm scared. What if my parents get to it before me? And usually when you buy something off the internet, it says on the package, what you bought. I have the money, but I've been so hesitant on what if it arrives and I'm not home. If I do buy it, my anxiety will

be really high until it comes. So I'm going to go and give you one thing that will make like just ease your anxiety immediately in one regard. So, so for example, uh, we vibe by love, honey, cursory glance at their shop and you will see that they do, you know, I think it's incredible. It's literally the first thing that pops up when you went to the shipping and delivery tab, which, you know, they know, they know what they're doing, uh, discrete shipping. So when you get stuff from their online store, it's packaged in plain boxes with a street label and they are shipped and from biotech Canada limited. So already that's one thing you don't have to worry about if you go through love honey i mean like it just makes sense it absolutely makes sense to have a discrete shipping option

and love honey is and this is what we mentioned you know customer service at the beginning this is kind of like one of the facets of it because whether you're ashamed of your sex toys or not like i think a lot of people are happy to embrace sexuality. That's a great thing that's currently happening in society of people being like, one, women are reclaiming their sexuality and their eagerness to use toys. And that is becoming far more acceptable as it should be, as it never should have been unacceptable. But alas, we're working on it but at the same time it's like you don't want your business especially if you work at or you live at like a condo where someone like signs for it like a concierge has the package like last thing that dude wants or that person wants is like

a box of just like this is a big box of dildos or vibrators or whatever sitting on on the concierge desk and then you have to go and be like hi can i have my my box of vibrators please it's it's just removing that from the social contract again there's nothing wrong with it but at the same time you shouldn't have like you don't need to have your personal sexual life broadcasted to strangers and that's the thing it's like it's not even necessarily about like being ashamed or anything. It's just about like making things easy for you and the people involved in packaging your post. And it's like, they don't have to have awkward chats with your neighbors or your concierge, or in this case, your parents. So that's one thing off the tape. Now, the second thing I'm

thinking about is I know a lot of post offices or post post boxes you can like use drop-off locations to like you know rent like a p.o box and have that go there so you could pick it up without it even like arriving because I don't know about you guys but if I got a box back when I was at home my parents were like what's that I may be open it depending on the day slash parent that's the thing it's like yes you there might not be a like a label being like oh it's my cool vibrator i got it let's go but you would still have to be like your parents would still be like hey what's in the box and then you'd have to come up with something yeah elaborate ruse which is gonna maybe take some like close close-up magic so that you open

the box in front of them and sub out your sick vibrator with like i don't know a drone probably because wow tech sounds pretty fucking cool you gotta wow them that's got to be tech that's the thing it's like you have to pretty much coincide this or like make it a purchase of another tech thing either a hard drive or something that you might need you know like you'd have to buy something tech related because like if you're like oh yeah it's my new whatever. And then they never see this new, whatever you just bought. They'd be like, didn't you, didn't you buy something?

Where is it? Um, so yes, I think there are, um, I know in Toronto there's, I don't remember the name of the company. Um, but there is like a, an option to get it sent to like a delivery service or a drop off service where you just get a show, you know, ID and go and pick it up with your like your little email being like it's arrived. I did that with a bunch of shoes the other day. Yeah, so I would look into that. This comes from Agent Nomad. And sorry, you know, send it to a local post office if you can or like a pickup location and it'll be great. This comes from Agent Nomad. I have to travel a lot for work and I'm often gone on long stretches of time, usually between two to four weeks at a time.

My girlfriend and I do a lot of sexting and sometimes phone sex slash Skype sex. But neither of us are super into the Skype phone sex stuff. Is there something we can do to keep sexy times fun and actually existent when I'm traveling for work? Boy, do I have something for you. And friends, we teased a little something, something earlier in the episode saying we might have a gift for you. Well, let me tell you about something that is quite possibly,

and this is like, I'm not exaggerating when i say this has revolutionized like sexual health and well-being especially for couples in long-term situations and what i'm talking about is the we connect app and more specifically how it functions with the we vibe nova 2 and this is a a fairly new rabbit vibrator from Lovehoney, available through Lovehoney. And it is the coolest fucking thing. So Nova 2, which is the name of the WeVibe, is compatible with something called the WeConnect app,

which lets you or your partner take control of the toy with the touch of a screen and includes long distance connectivity. So you guys can play together regardless of whether you are together or not. I was in a long distance relationship when I had to move back from Canada to Ireland to finish university. And if I had had this, it would have been so much better because like there's such a level of disconnect when you're doing a long distance thing that like the interactivity of being able to like pop up an app and actually like customize what you're doing to your partner and with your partner is so great that like this would have made everything better. Maybe,

maybe it would have worked out. So it's funny you mentioned customization. So just to give you a little, like an idea of what we're talking about here, the Nova 2 goes beyond sort of the classic rabbit vibrator design. The improved Nova 2 offers nonstop pleasure even during your wildest moves. The Nova 2 combines the pleasure of G-spot stimulation

with the powerful clitoral vibration. The unique design flexes with your movements to stay in constant contact with your clitoris so you can focus on interactions with your partner without suffering any loss to their pleasure. You know you've made a good sex toy when you have to specifically engineer it so that it stays in contact with your clit

when you're writhing around in pleasure. Like that's a good problem to have. Right. And it's incredible because so the way it works is it's, it's a perfect gift for pretty much anyone because it is incredibly customizable. Well, you can like adjust the shape, right. To fit like anyone's body. And then it stays in position kind of like once you've got that fit. Yeah. It's, it's like a rear view mirror, you know, once you get into a car and you. It's, it's like a rear view mirror, you know, once you get into a car and you get everything in the right place and you're like,

perfect, this is where it is. You never have to worry about doing that ever again with this bad boy. It's got connectors and stuff that, that lock into place once you get it where you need it. And then they just, they stay there. So you can absolutely go to town on yourself or your partner can go to town

on you. And there's no fumbling around. There's no, oops, did I lose the spot? It just, it's just there. And you're like, we all know there's nothing worse than losing the spot. It's the worst. No, for sure. Like, it's funny because we don't even need to give more advice right now.

That's it. That's it. Just get the WeVibe nova 2 and then pull up that app and like again it's just gonna add that extra intimacy and like customization and like connectivity to what can be kind of impersonal so and i'll tell you i've done like the skype sex calls you know like i've done i've done those things and it's weird because like you are kind of like focusing on a screen but with this bad boy it's not like you guys are just staring at each other through a monitor you can be they can have the toy and are using the toy and you could be focusing on what you're doing

and they don't have to worry about it you know what I mean like they're they're now not performing if that makes sense like it's it's it a, it's almost as if you guys are together because what they don't know what's about to happen. So it's not, it's the thing. It's like when it does happen, it's literally you. So there's,

there's a far more connective experience and you could be across the country. You can be wherever and still be able to do this. And, and I think that is, uh, like I said, this bad boy has literally revolutionized sex toys. And,

uh, the app is, is something that like, if I ever have to do a long distance trip, like we were in, uh, Europe for six weeks and I greatly missed my partner during that time. If I could have,

you know, carved out half an hour to go somewhere private or quiet and played with one of these bad boys with them, that would have been amazing. I would have missed them far less if I knew I could have done something like this during that experience. Yeah, I literally craved something more kind of like personal and like, again, that I could actually like participate in to more of a degree. And like this would have been perfect when I was doing long distance relationship. So and the best thing is doesn't even need to be a long distance relationship. It could just be like, if you're busy at work, and your partner lives halfway across the city, and then I mean, it's like, that's a fun thing to bridge the gap before you see them on the weekend, right? So either 2 super cool check it out at the beginning of the episode we said we

had a little treat for you and that is because we're offering you a incredible discount on not only the nova 2 but everything that love honey has all the toys all the accessories everything that they have we're giving to you at 25 off so head on over to lovehoney.co slash f buddies that's lovehoney.co slash f b u d d i e s and use our limited time promo code fuck buddies 20 to receive 25 off the entire store that is our limited time code buck buddies 20 f u c k b u d d i e s 2 0 and receive 25 off the entire store so once again please head on over support the show treat yourself to something fun at lovehoney.co slash f buddies and use our promo code fuck buddies 20 okay so this is kind of similar to when we already talked about but

with a little different twist so i'm gonna hit you with uh drumstick balloon heads question and they say conflicted about telling my partner about the sex toy i female 26 am conflicted about telling my partner male 36 about the vibrator i just purchased we've been together for more than two years now and of course our first intimacy was great two to four times a day hours and that lasted for the first year and a half over the last six months it dropped a week they were having sex two to four times a day for hours i i hey i don't know man that like i i know some people say things like that and they think it's cool but that sounds like a nightmare yeah like again every now and then especially at the start

of a relationship but like if it was every time okay let's two two to four times a day let's say max they're hitting their four hours and they said four hours so even minimum that's two hours that's eight hours a day of sex like what else are you getting done like how are you how are you surviving when are you working when are you, how are you surviving? When are you working? When are you eating? What are you doing other than just locked in a room? It's like that episode of Buffy where they're in that house that makes them have sex forever.

Maybe it's two to four times a day for hours, but they only saw each other once in that first year and a half. Okay. So it was one day. That would make sense. And they just stored up all their bits for that. So over the last six months, it dropped to once a week for a much shorter period of time.

I don't need sex that often. And that's not the most important thing in our relationship. I love him completely. And I also find him irresistible. He says the same thing to me, but he doesn't initiate much anymore. He's working much more often than he used to. And we usually spend a lot of time just cuddling. I'm a sub and I've taken a step to initiating more often, even getting dolled up for when we're just staying at home, but he usually ends up with either nothing happening at all or a short session and me not being satisfied. He finishes every time we do, and then just stops now. He doesn't even touch me much beforehand anymore. I've talked to him about this seriously more than a handful of times.

I can tell he feels bad, and he apologizes and says he'll work on it, which he does the next time, and that just goes back to routine. I also feel a little humiliated having to ask him to touch me every time. I don't anymore, I've grown a little tired of having to. And all other aspects of the relationship were great, but I wish I could share my satisfaction and be more intimate with him. Ultimately, I decide it's not his responsibility to make me finish, so I just purchase a vibrator. I hate the idea of not being open and honest with him. If you were to ask, I would tell would tell them would you recommend i go forward and tell them right off the bat i don't want to seem like i'm petty but i would also like to reach a climax more than once every few months i appreciate any advice just trying to do the right thing i don't necessarily

think you have to be like hello greg i've bought a i bought a vibrator because i feel like that is kind of pointed and kind of out of left field i don't know if there's anything you can gain from that but i think that you might be able to broach it in the sense of being like hey so during sex would it be cool if i used a toy don't whip it out during sex unannounced and just be like here's this bad boy let's go but bring it up like outside of sexy time as we have talked about before like during sex is not the time to discuss things about sex because because you're not you're not like you're either gonna have to stop and like ruin the mood or just kind of give a quick answer to get it over with without thinking about it you know what i mean

yeah so there's no harm in like sitting down if you've had these conversations before he should have a fairly good idea that you know you guys are are working through some stuff in your sexual relationship so i don't think there's any harm of being like hey um the next time we have sex are you cool if i bring or i introduce a sex toy into it so that like you know i i can get a little more attention to myself yeah we mentioned earlier it's like in this case i feel like there a little more attention to myself yeah we mentioned it earlier it's like in this case i feel like there are things that need to be fixed in the relationship in general but like in this way that's kind of taking a burden off him in this issue if again if he's finding it difficult to you know maintain what you guys used to do in terms of sex this could

be a weight off his shoulders and maybe it'll help you guys you know talk about the relationship a little bit more honestly and let's be real eight hours of sex a day is a burden for literally anybody maybe maybe it's worn to a nub at this point and that's that's what's going on the man has been drained of all of his fluids and has been on an ivy drip since but like i gotta say props to you for prioritizing your pleasure and like going out and like doing this and it's like fuck yeah girl get it well for real one of the things that i thought was strange was i know it's not his responsibility to make sure i finish and i'm like yes and no there should be a mutual interest in both partners reaching climax or at least satisfaction because an orgasm doesn't necessarily mean we have done

sex right you know i mean like you can have a quote-unquote successful sexual experience without an orgasm if you finish the encounter satisfied then great that might not necessarily mean that both partners have orgasms or either partner have orgasm i've definitely been in situations where like i've been too tired or too hot or whatever to finish but at the end of it i'm very happy i'm a happy man i got to have sex it was fun you know the partner seemed to enjoy it like that is usually enough for me to be like okay like it's not like i'm like i didn't finish this sucks i hate it it doesn't matter that's the thing like fun is is is it right you don't need to come to i've had a good time but at the same time you're completely right it should be like it's not necessarily their responsibility to make you come, but it also should be their priority.

You know what I mean? They should care about your pleasure. And we say this all the time. It's like good partners are partners that really give a shit about their partner's pleasure. So it's like, that's why I'm saying there are issues here. You know what I mean? I don't think this is solving them. I think it's definitely helping her and might be able to alleviate some of this person's guilt, which might open up, you know, the dialogue. But I do think you guys need to talk because something is, has changed here in the relationship. You know what I mean? It's like, if my partner just stopped caring about my pleasure and started getting what seems to be very blasé during sex like i would think there's a deeper issue you know i would also like to know if your frustrations are becoming apparent during sex and what is actually you being frustrated that you're not getting enough attention might come across as apathy or an enjoyment so that like he might just be like, oh, you don't like this.

You know what I mean? Like if it's one of those things of you being like, oh, he's not touching me again, that might come across incorrectly of looking impatient or disconnected or not into it. And that could be also throwing your partner for a loop a little bit. So I would say 100% you've bought this toy. You're excited about it. Presumably you've used it a few times by yourself and have been satisfied by it. So talk to them, be like, Hey,

do you mind if we introduce a sex toy into this, um, you know, to enhance my experience? I think it'll be a lot of fun. I think I'll really enjoy it. And you can use it on me. You know, it won't just be me using it. Like, we'll find ways to play with it together and make sure that it's not like try to really enjoy it. And I'm not saying perform. I'm not saying go out of your way, but make sure that the feedback that you're giving either verbally or non-verbally is positive so that it's not misconstrued as like your

frustrations and disappointment are misconstrued as apathy or unenjoyment or displeasure. Cause that could be also factoring into his his behavior as well i think there's there's a way to bring it up where it's exciting and it's like i have this new thing i want to do with us in bed as opposed to like do you mind if i bring this because you've been terrible yeah exactly there's definitely a lot of positive ways to spin it and again it's like it's your it's your, it's your body. It's your choice. You could get this.

Like, I don't think you ever have to ask permission. Obviously, sex is collaborative, but like to get one and to use it on yourself, definitely not. So it's like, if he's upset that you didn't run it by him, that's ridiculous. If he doesn't want to incorporate it in the bedroom, again, I also think that's ridiculous. We already talked about the pros of that, but like like then you need to really have a serious chat and like i think if for whatever reason he's unable to really commit to like probably having good sex with you this could be something again a weight off his shoulder so i think it's a great thing for you to have done

and i hope it is the beginning in opening the dialogue and trying to fix what is clearly wrong here because there's something is off and you guys need to get to the bottom of it this is by fionic is it ethically right to use a used sex toy with someone new hello i 26 year old male about two months ago broke up my girlfriend and she gave me back a remote controlled vibrator i brought i bought for us to use clit stimulation there's someone new i recently met online and she's into risky public things we meet so i thought to myself to suggest her i bring that toy with me when we meet up close is it ethical is it safe health-wise of course i'll sanitize it before using it as always that's all i want to know yeah i mean this is kind of like

the question of being like oh you you're wearing that lingerie and you wore it for someone else as long as it's been washed and cleaned properly there is no harm in it and might i say um love honey has a incredible list of uh various cleaners and wipes uh that are sex toy safe which is something that you do have to be worried about and think about because just using like cleaners might leave residue that could be very very detrimental to someone's health like you can't put bleach on these bad boys you can't use household cleaners on these things because if you're using them inside or on genitals, the likelihood of them causing irritation

because of that stuff is very high. So make sure you get a proper sex toy cleaner. Make sure that the toy you're using is compatible with that cleaner. And in the first place, make sure they're from a reputable like place that does good high quality products because like that's step one you know what i mean and thankfully it's almost like we've brought you on a silver platter love honey which is there's a reason

they are the biggest sex toy online sex toy company uh and there's a reason why we are partnering with them as we've said before we will we've had sponsorship options that we have turned down uh very recently in fact because we didn't believe in the products and we didn't believe in the services we will never we're not gonna try to sell stuff that we don't think is one like on brand with what we do and like high quality and good for the people who listen because we love you guys uh like we're gonna not put ourselves behind something we don't believe in um so head on over to love honey and and check out through the uh both so there's two things i

would recommend one they have a ton of cleaners so just make sure that the the toy and the cleaner are compatible and make sure there's no degradation or anything like that because of it. And then consider getting yourself a, like a sanitized case with it as well. You don't want to be sticking a vibrator in your pocket, collecting dirt and lint and God knows what else is in your pocket. And then presenting that to someone's genitals so getting you can get things as simple as like little satin bags you can get lockable cases you can get a small discrete cases there there's a bunch of different options for that the last thing you want to do is be like all right i'll wash it off now let me stick it in my dirty ass pocket yeah um. So I think as regards to cleaning like that is fine. You know what I mean?

That's what you do, right? Now, I think as for whether it's ethically right, I don't think it's ethical seems like a dramatic word to use. But I do think it comes down to personal preference. I think being open and honest, in a sense, is the way to go. And that's up to them, right? Some people might not be okay with that some people will be and that's kind of all it comes down to really yeah i don't know like i'm trying to think how i'd broach this subject because i think that like if i had a toy designed for women and women presenting people i think it would be pretty obvious that it is not that has been used for other people yeah right like i i think that would be very clear that it's like if i had a a women's vibrator

i've probably used it on other women so i think it's the thing there's almost that implied like i i can't imagine you would have like the only other option was that i i just bought it right now for our date later on which i think you would be saying if that was the case. So I think rather than explaining that you've used it on other people, which is not the worst thing, but I think it's also sort of like a strange mental image to put into people's mind i think if your focus is more on hey it's been thoroughly cleaned and i make sure like i i my upkeep of this toy is high i think he says the exact same thing without being like this has been inside someone you know what i mean also think like if you just recently met them maybe bringing the sex toy on the first date is a little too much i mean i again i i think yeah that's that's a 100 a vibe check for sure where but yeah if hey if if they're into it that's cool that's the thing if you guys have talked about this

already great you know what i mean like obviously you've talked about some sexual things they say they're into risky public things so that's cool if you guys have discussed this great then just let them know you have this toy and you know go from there if you just show up and pull out your bag might be the wrong message it might be a little too much too quick yes and because especially there's no conversation that's been had of being like this is clean yeah unless you want to do that like 20 seconds before like now i'm gonna use it on you which i think there's a level of tact that sex toys require and especially public usage of sex toys and i think that sort of should be cleared long before the act takes place yeah so thank you very much for listening friends.

That's going to do it for this week. It means the world to us that you're here. Also a big loving. Thank you to love honey for sponsoring this episode. We hope it was informative. We hope we have opened your mind and your eyes and the door to a more adventurous sexual experience. Hopefully someone who might've been a little weary of sex toys is now

considering popping on over to love honey and checking it out. Yeah. A hundred percent. Feel free to use our code and have the best time. Thank you to love honey for reaching out and saying this up because it's pretty, pretty cool. And yeah,

I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvard Studios for their song, Paper Stars. If you have a question that you would like to send into the show, again, you could do another sex toy question if you have them. If this sparked something deep in your belly

and you're like, now's the time, I must ask this. We'll do it. We'll answer that question for you. No problem. Just head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com, click the contact form and fill in your question. It remains completely anonymous. We will never reveal your identity. You can choose an agent name to cover your identity and we will answer it as soon as we can. This is the Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix. It's just a small snippet.

Slick's breasts were small and pale, and the way she was hunched over, the way her ribs stuck out, the way her breasts hung lifeless, she reminded Patricia of a plucked chicken. Now, this has got to be... I can't imagine this is a a not comedy novel like this has got to be a like a satire of sorts like with a name like southern baptist guide to what was it book club killing vampires yeah the i'm sorry the southern book club's guide to slaying vampires i don't know it's just, how do boobs hang lifeless? Well, you know. Usually they're still full of life.

We've definitely had bad sex writing where boobs have been bouncing exuberantly. Or like swelling with sarcasm or shrinking with... Yeah. Didn't one change color when they lied? Yeah, I think that was definitely something that happened there's

definitely been some nipples changing color for sure yeah uh it scares me that people people are doing this the the things that people have attributed to breasts there's probably nothing out there that hasn't been oh for sure for sure breasts are the universal everything they're like the universal donor but can do anything and everything a male author needs them to do and or convey. That's so powerful. So powerful. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain.

We've been your fuck buddies. Thank you.