F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 21 - Will You Pee My Valentine?

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

Another holiday means another themed episode!  In what could possibly be our most contentious episode to date, we butt heads on the significance of Valentine's Day and how to act during it.  Topics include how soon is too soon for Valentine's Day celebrations, what to get your casual partner for Valentine's day, V-Day confessions, gifts for parents and a pee surprise!

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends. How are you doing? My name is Dave Miller. And my name is Niles Payne.

And you know we're your fuck buddies. This is our sexy, sexy Valentine's Day episode. No. Nope. Oh, shit, is it our Super Bowl episode Fuck Yeah man We're gonna be sending crunchy fly balls From the red zone

Deep into the pig sticker Oddly enough that's what I Call my famous sex move for Valentine's Day Throwing crunchy pig skins From the red zone Into the pig stickericker. All right. Yeah, guys. Welcome. Welcome back. Happy Valentine's Day, guys. It's that week. It's got that Valentine's grind on the way. You know, we're all out cutting out roses, hunting wild roses in the

cracks of the city. Yeah. Making everything into the shape of a heart. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Including our own hearts. Yeah, I was sick of my heart not looking like an actual heart, so I've done a little trimming. Makes you wearing a heart in your T-shirt. Oh, yeah. It's two bird skulls, I believe.

That's weird. It's two skulls of some sort. Anyway, we're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. We sex questions. I had a hard time finding Valentine's Day questions. I've got like 20.

What do you do? Well, I found a bunch, but they were all shit. Oh, mine are probably shit. I hated them. Well, I'm going to start us off. You ready? Yep, let's do it. All right.

This is by Sucker4Sucks, Reddit user. And they say, I'm going to confess. I need male advice, please. I've known this guy for almost eight months. We're not friends, but very good acquaintances.

Uh, acquaintance. Nope. That's not how you spell that. We talked the times are, we've talked the times our friends go out and I've noticed we have a lot of things on common. Oh God,

this is hard to read. We've talked to, we've talked the times our friends go out and I've noticed we have a lot of things in common oh god this is hard to read we've talked to we've talked the times our friends go out and i've noticed we have a lot of things in common i'm just gonna like correct instead of reading it out yeah he's very passionate of his career funny smart and opinionated i like him a lot i could stare at him all day he's beautiful anyway i'm confessing on 14th of february i'm buying a rose and i'll ask him to meet me in one of the campus gardens i'm just gonna say hey i like you lot. I would like to get to know you a lot better, I assume is what it is meant to say. Would you like to go out with me? I'm not planning the date yet because

I'm afraid he'll reject me. But when I ask the man if I'm being a little too intense, maybe tone it down a little. I want to be a good girlfriend to him. I don't want to scare him. Please help. First things first, uh, we didn't. Oh, shit. Man, what are we doing? I'm very tired.

Yeah, it's because we're not recording on our usual day. I've been, like, all fucking turned around. Oh, yeah. I didn't even fucking know.

I was, like, I thought it was our usual day, and I was, like, getting ready to do my usual Wednesday thing,

and... The question. I just, I, like, I don't want a blanket statement this early in the episode but like

do it do it but fuck Valentine's Day for grand romantic gestures like it's the worst fucking day to do it it makes no sense to me and I hate Valentine's Day

I said it oh no here's the thing I'm gonna I'm gonna give a little more detail on that Valentine's Day is supposed to be like

the romance day and the day in which you show people that you love them and stuff like that. But there's nothing more the antithesis of romance than a day where you're expected to be romantic. It's so counterintuitive to its purpose. And I'm all for it. Because you could say a thing about Christmas and being like, well- Or birthdays.

Yeah. Giving people gifts is like you should always do random extra calendars and on days where you're expected to do it blah blah blah

but like there's something about Valentine's Day that just sort of like cheapens the whole experience eh for for like things like this

you know what I mean like oh well I think for this like have we both agreed that this isn't a great idea cause I mean I think it's not a great idea.

I think, like, if it was on any other day, I would say fucking, yeah, go for it. I don't know. I feel like, I think she's doing the, like, you know, love that neighbor as you would like to be loved. I doubt this guy really cares about meeting in a garden on campus and getting a rose. Like, you know? Yeah. I think maybe you're,'re like someone's watched too many romantic comedies i don't think like again if i really like the girl i'd be like yeah sure

cool i'm glad you like me but none of the rose and like the theater of the whole thing would really appeal to me you know what i mean you say that do i yes i did but has anyone ever have you ever been met like rendezvoused in a garden, in a little secret garden, been given a rose? Not a rose, but I wouldn't know what to do with it. I'd be like, oh, it's a plant. Cool. Is it?

You just put it in the garden, just shove it in there. Yeah, shove it in the, yeah. Like, if they met me there with, like, food. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, the roses. But I mean, again, I think that's just, I think that's like a Valentine's Day thing.

True. I think she's making that call. Would you want a rose? No. I don't want anything for fucking Valentine's Day though. Okay. See, I disagree with you. I think Valentine's Day, like, fuck it.

It's just any excuse to do something nice, right? Like, why not? But if you care about it, why don't you be doing nice things all the time? Exactly. But am I going to just abstain for one day? Yes. So you're like, I care about people so much that on the day that I'm usually expected to do something, I'm just going to be mean. Yep.

Okay. That's fine. You can do that if you want. I've got an air horn set up in my girlfriend's pillow. Hell yeah. So that you can come Valentine's Day. Because Valentine's Day, she gets the present of deafness. Yeah.

She's never never gonna hear anything ever again at least out of like one side yeah well don't get both that'll be weird yeah yeah honestly i i like valentine's day because it's just an excuse to you know yeah i mean like i get it and i like i'm sure you guys are gonna do something maybe oh okay i don't know i think i'm working we're gonna cook it's gonna be fine um this question i think like fucking go for it but like no don't go for it is this the first time we're gonna like i say disagree on it i think it's a little weird it's a little coming on strong and like just like do it in a chill way like don't put all this like weird shit on this person it's not like they're even like have been hooking up

and they want to take the next level and that could be kind of cute and kind of whatever it's sort of like they just know each other and she's gonna like fucking bum rush him in the garden on Valentine's Day maybe he's like

you know what my favorite movie is the Valentine's Day no Shall We Dance and you know what the end of Shall We Dance

how do I turn this off Richard Gere how do I turn this off comes up an escalator to his Susan Sarandon's his wife and you know what

he's holding you know what he's holding he's dressed in a tuxedo there you go he's dressed in a tuxedo he's holding a single rose I think I think no I think tone it down uh I think if you're gonna do this on Valentine's Day you have to go big yeah go bigger yeah make it a dozen roses make it the actual secret garden make make it a dozen roses. Make it the actual secret garden. Make it a rose garden. Oh. Paint all the... Yeah.

Yeah. Paint all the flowers red. Change your name to Rose. Like, if you're going to fucking make this grand romantic gesture on Valentine's Day, which is so fucking cliche, then go... Like, yeah. I would say, you know, know fucking dress up wear a ball gown or a fucking tiara yeah i'm serious like lean into it yeah like that's the thing it's like if

you if you're like i'm gonna confess my feelings for him on valentine's day like don't fucking half-ass it because you're just like why why did you wait today i think honestly don't do it just like let him do whatever he does on val Valentine's Day, and then next time you guys meet up, like, do it casually without this weird weight of this arbitrary day on top of it. Yes, yeah. And just be chill. Yeah.

Like, if it's the kind of thing. That's the ideal situation, is like, Valentine's Day, he doesn't play into it. Yeah, exactly. And that's the thing. If like, if it's natural, if it's the kind of thing you can do, you don't need to do it in this big grand way on this day. Just fucking do it. But if it isn't natural and you feel like you have to do it, then you probably shouldn't

do it. Okay, I agree with you on that. Yeah. Cool. Next one? Yeah. All right. You got one or will I plow through?

No, hit me with some more Valentine's Day. I want to yell about this. Is sending flowers to girlfriend's mom on Valentine's Day weird? By I have good work ethic. No, I think that's sweet. I've met her before, and I think it would boost my impression of myself to her. Been dating my girlfriend for about four months. You know what's funny?

I misread it initially, and I thought he said he hasn't met her before, and I was like, no. Oh, yeah. You fucking lunatic. And now I'm really sad that he has met her before because now it's less weird i say just like honestly if if you haven't really like you've probably met her once or twice i wouldn't because it might come off a little try hardy you know what i mean like if it's not natural and like he literally states he's doing it to boost the mom's impression of him, she's probably going to know you're doing that, and that'll probably lower her impression of you.

Yeah, but I think every parent knows that every guy is doing everything he can to make himself look better in their eyes. True, but there's a natural way to do it, and there's a, ugh, really? I don't think this is a bad idea. Okay. I think it depends on the relationship they've already established if there's already sort of like fun banter if like the only time you've met her is like you know dropping your girlfriend off at home or something and it's just like hello mrs wow zowitz um and like if that's if that's like your entire interaction

is just saying hello and goodbye in the span of 30 seconds yeah maybe not but like if you guys have gone out for dinner and have like a bit of a rapport

I think it's a sweet gesture I think it's nice to be like you know I think of you guys as like extended family extended

extended girlfriend I mean that's the thing it's like if you and your girlfriend break up, maybe... Yeah, maybe Wowza Witch is going to wow your bits. Yeah. Maybe move up the scale.

Yeah. Okay, I think the delivery is important in this case. So, like, if you're picking her up at home to go out for, you know, your Valentine's Day dinner, and you open the door, and you give her the flowers, and then the mom's like, oh, goodbye, honey. You're like, oh, I got you this too. Cool. I think that's nice.

If you, like, post it to her work and she's kind of not expecting it and she's like, oh, what the fuck? Is it from Jerry Clinkaboo? Like, no. We're fucking terrible at names. Yeah, we need to, like, get a name generator. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't send it to her work because that would cause all sorts of suspicions.

But I think like, I don't know. Especially if you're going to move in on her after. Maybe like send fucking flowers and a fucking, I don't know, box of chocolate or something for dad. Maybe bring the dad flowers and don't bring the girlfriend or the mom anything. Ooh. That's a killer move. Yeah. Fuck the patriarchy right there.

Literally, maybe. Play that progenitor and just, ooh. Ooh. That's a killer move. Yeah. Fuck the patriarchy right there. Literally, maybe. Yeah. Play that progenitor and just, ooh. Ooh. Ooh. This is Valentine's Day. Fuck your girlfriend's dad. Yeah.

Right? All right. Here we go with some more Valentine's Day questions. So you think, okay, so it's very possibly okay for you to get five or seven. The thing with, like, if it can be done naturally. I've always really really really been bad with fucking my significant other's parents and not like bad in the sense of like they don't like me but like i i'm so uncomfortable with like parents for some reason like i can i can talk

to fucking anybody but the second i'm talking to like parents i'm just so um and luckily like amanda's family i'm the most comfortable i've been with anyone um but like i think there's there's a point where you just sort of have to like commit to something with with parents you know their offspring no i mean like you know that point where like if you've been dating someone for like three years you know you still can't call them mr rogers. Damn it. So you gotta go, yo, Anthony. Yeah, you know what I mean? And it was like, I think everyone,

the first time they call their significant other's parents by the first name, there's that, like, initial dread of being like, what am I doing? I don't think I ever, like, call them anything.

I'm just like, oh, hey, like, how are you doing? Like, I don't use, like, names or honorifics. Yeah, I do. That's weird. Mr. Rogers. Mrs. Rogers.

Like, that's weird. I've never done that. I've literally never done that. It's one thing, like, when you're first meeting them, fine. But, like, again, like, I stay over at my girlfriend's parents a bunch of times during holidays. And, like, you can't spend that amount of time and never say someone's name you definitely can no i i have it's weird i don't think it is i think it's almost weirder like if you're like well definitely if you're like mr rogers miss rogers i definitely

called her parents by their names and like again i avoid it like the fucking plague like i just never see a point when it comes up, unless you have to, like, yell across the room to them. Well, like, yeah, sometimes, like, you have to get their attention and stuff, and you can't just be like, you! Like, hey. I just clap in their face. This is, like, the epitome of, like,

what all the questions I could find about Valentine's Day. Yep. Well, I do have a user submitted one, which is probably what you're about to read out. Well, let's see. This is from user Bluehole Load. Whoa. Do we have a question from them before?

I think so. Because I remember being really grossed out by that. Yeah. Yeah, I think that is. Yeah, definitely. They ask, what do you get someone for Valentine's Day if you're in the early taking it slow phase of dating?

And they say, anything. She likes Reese's. Would a heart-shaped Reese's be too much? I don't think so. I feel like it all depends. This is like the question that everyone has. It's like, I've been dating them for like a year. I've been dating for three years.

I've been dating for ten years. I've been dating for two months. And everyone's like, what do I get them? Yeah. Well, I don't know who the fuck you been dating for two months. And everyone's like, what do I get them? Yeah. Oh, well, I don't know who the fuck you're dating. So it's up to you,

bud. Yeah. Also like, you don't have to get anything. Yeah. You know what Valentine's, you know what the best fucking Valentine's day gift is? Like spending some time with them and like,

yo, making dinner together and then fucking dicking them into the mattress. Yeah. Like, um, so the user friend of the show ali asked and it was actually echoed by a good few people um online and off which is like how soon is too soon to do something for valentine's day which is kind of similar in the like yeah i've got the same yeah uh they're kind

of different but kind of the same because doing doing something for Valentine's Day is either going out together or getting a gift or whatever. I feel like if you're at all, like, exclusive, then you should do something for Valentine's Day, unless you have decided, like, together not to. You know what I mean? So if you're, like, literally boyfriend and girlfriend, yeah, like, do something. If it's new, just, like, a rose or, like, you know, like, just go out to a movie or, like, stay in. Like, you know, just go out to a movie or like stay in like you know just hang out that night like do something it's up to you how extravagant you want to get although i would err on the side of caution you don't want to get someone a fucking ipad and they'd be like oh i

thought we were just gonna like chill i think getting gifts like monetary gifts outside of like traditional things like a box of chocolates and flowers and like that kind of shit like being like rolling up and being like here's a thousand dollar bracelet like fuck that shit and it's like i know for a fact that there are people that enjoy that like there are several girls at my work who all they talk about is like my boyfriend's getting me this for valentine's day it's like fuck off like that doesn't mean anything it means literally nothing yeah um and i understand that people like that exist and like cool if that's the relationship you have then fucking do it but like that should be the last thing on your mind on something like valentine's day like just just focus on doing something that's gonna be really nice like yeah commit to something that

like you wish you had time to do every day. Yeah. Even if it's like making dinner together or like having a meal together. So that's my Valentine's Day plans. We're just going to cook. We're going to have a nice night in. We're going to get some wine. We're going to like pick some cool recipes and like cook.

That's going to be great. Yeah. Maybe watch a movie. And it's like one of those things where it's like, yeah, it would be nice. Like I bet you wish you could do that every fucking night with her. Exactly. You know what I mean? Yeah, it would be nice. Like, I bet you wish you could do that every fucking night with her. Exactly, yeah. And that, like, that I think means way more than being like, here's a bracelet that it took me 30 minutes waiting in line. I asked a dude what to get, and I just put my card down.

Or you told me exactly what I want, or what you wanted, and I just went out and bought it with money. It's like, okay. Yeah. And this will be my plea. If you are one of those people or like are dating someone like that suggest an alternative and be like if that's what you really want for sure great but can we like maybe make valentine's day about something other than some arbitrary material

yeah exchange of things like have a have good times together instead of just being like yo it's a thing and it's one of those things where if like if they get mad and they're like no i want this i can't believe you i can't believe you're not like getting me my valentine's day gift it's like maybe they're a shit person yeah like that's your like like if that's what you need out of a relationship is just them to buy you expensive things, I don't know if you're doing it right. Yeah, if the offer between, like, a monetary value and, like, something that you wish you could do with them every day. Like, if the monetary value means more to you than quality time or anything to do with them. Then it's fun.

Yeah, I think it's a good time to be like. Maybe I should get a girlfriend that respects me or a boyfriend who respects me and not my wallet. Sorry if we just ruined a bunch of people's relationships, but I think we made your life better. But yeah, so I guess too soon. When is too soon? I think you know right and like if you're at all like on the like fence just like you can be like hey do you guys like do you want to do something for valentine's day and like if they're like oh no i'm busy you're probably getting a chance to give them anything anyway

but if they're like yeah let's let's hang out like get him something small like get him a rose or like get sorry get her or him if he wants it personally i'm oh now you're okay with guys getting i said personally personally i'm not partial um or like chocolates or something small like a card like i feel like it's the thought that counts in the early stages you know and that's like the time that counts no that's just bare money later on you know what i mean the thing if it's a year or two and you're not dropping 200, you're doing Valentine's Day wrong. Yeah, it should be the years you've been together times two. Sorry, times 200.

So two years, if you're not dropping at least 400. Yeah. Why bother? Yeah, yeah. My thing is I don't think there is a too soon. I think it's one of those things where even if you hooked up with someone three times and Valentine's thing is, like, I don't think there is, like, a too soon. I think it's one of those things where, like, even if you hooked up with someone, like, three times and Valentine's Day is rolling around, like, obviously you're not going to be like, let's spend the night together. You know what I mean? But it's like, you can definitely booty call them on Valentine's Day and just be like, Valentine's Day fuck? Question mark?

You know what I mean? It's like, the parameters of what you do on the day kind of matter but like doing something on valentine's day doesn't mean shit exactly so just like be chill and you'll know like if i don't know just like you know yourself whether doing something is weird or too much for what you guys have like you don't need to ask the internet yeah it's like would you do it would you do it on a normal day like would you go on that date if you wouldn't then don't do it on val normal day? Like, would you go on that date? If you wouldn't, then don't do it on Valentine's Day. Exactly. If you're in a fuck buddy situation where like, maybe you meet up for a couple drinks

beforehand and that's it, then like, yeah, maybe don't be like, I've made reservations at a really fancy dinner and then I've got like a horse-drawn carriage to bring us back to my, it's like, what are you doing? That's not, that's not what your relationship is. Yeah. And if that's what you want it to be, don't make Valentine's Day the fucking, because it's like,

there's so much weight on Valentine's Day and there's so much, there's like, no one's doing what they want on Valentine's Day. I don't know if that's true. Well, it's like,

it's one of, like, there's so much obligation. Yeah, there's obligation and there's pressure. And it's like, the irony is that you're choosing to do something on that day because you know these things. Yeah. You know there's obligation and there's pressure and it's like the irony is that you're choosing to do

something on that day because you know these things you know there is this pressure this obligation whatever but that's gonna make like the weight of it worse for the person in question right so like if they're not down on a random tuesday they're definitely not gonna be down on valentine's day because then it's it's kind of like got this weight so if you're all I don't know yeah there's like more severity to it yeah even if even if you are literally just having fun even if you're just like bug it I got some money to blow like I'm gonna get us a fucking horse-drawn carriage because I think it's hilarious yeah there's still sort of that like they're gonna think that it means a little more than it does exactly regardless of what you think it means

yeah there's no harm in chatting about it. And like, if you guys are, if you're like, hey, you want to meet up? And they're like, oh, it's Valentine's Day. It's a bit weird. Or like they've plans, like, fuck it. If they do want to meet up, there's no harm in bringing a small gift. I don't think. Yeah.

Cool. Next one? Yeah. So we mentioned a lot of things that could trigger my next question. Okay. We're not going to answer this question because we're just going to, out of context, read the title because it's the best. And the title of this question is just New Dad, square brackets, blowjob. Can't you just say something like that and not tell me what it's about?

It's the best title out of context. It's about, like, the wife just gave birth and he wants a blowjob. Right. Basically. Okay. You know what? You mentioned the horse-drawn carriage. So I'm just going to go for it.

Ready for another segment of horseplay? Oh no. This is by going ham sandwich on rye. Advice. Valentine's Day surprise. Not so good. So this might come off a little strange, but I want some opinions on how I should handle this. My boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day, and I said I didn't

need anything. I'm not the type that needs a gift. He went ahead and surprised me anyway. Now he doesn't know I know. He left his email browser up on his computer, and I saw an email regarding pony rental. The pony is only rented for a few hours on Saturday. Normally I wouldn't think much of it, but I also saw an email below that from Adam and Eve. This is a sex toy website. Curiosity got the best of me, so I clicked and he ordered several torture items.

I've never expressed any interest in pony play. Should I approach him? I don't want to make him feel bad or ruin the surprise, but this is something I feel we should talk about before things get out of hand. Thanks in advance. Wait, did he rent a real pony? He rented a real pony, and he bought a lot of BDSM torture devices. Are they going to use it on the pony?

I don't know. Is the pony going to use it on them? Are they going to be on the pony? I don't know. What mixture of these that isn't horrific is there? Is he going to bring her for a jaunty ride to a meadow and then just fucking dominate her? Like, that's the best case scenario I can see. Yeah.

And like, apparently she doesn't like horses, has never expressed an interest in horses, so it's not like a, baby, I got you like a horse ride because you're one of those weirdos who's into horses. I love, like, she doesn't seem too worried're one of those weirdos who's into horses. Um... I love, like, she doesn't seem too worried about this. I think I'd be a little terrified. Well, I mean, she went to the internet to be like, what's going on? Yeah, but, like, she didn't seem worried enough.

I'm sure you could read that in a more frantic tone. Damn you, text. Why don't you have emotions? Um... I think you... You say that you found them, right? No, no, no, no, no. You get on Amazon Prime. You get next day delivery.

And you get, like, the grade up from what he got. So you get a stallion. Yeah, if he's got, like, a fucking, like, gimp suit with, like, a mouth, and you get one of those, like, vacuum seal fucking suits. You ever seen those things? No. They're fucking scary. It's, like, you lie down on, like, it's like a Harun Solo, like, carbonite thing,

and you, like, you lie down, and you get, like, vacuum sealed into this, like, thing. This sounds amazing. I know what I'm getting my girlfriend for Valentine's Day. And, like, if he's got fucking, like, whips, get, like, a chain flail. If he's got, you know what I'm getting my girlfriend for Valentine's Day. And like, if he's got fucking like whips, get like a chain flail. If he's got, you know what I mean? Like step everything up. Yeah, a fucking cat of nine tails. And then when he's like, oh, I'm just going to go slip into something more restrictive.

And then you go. Yeah. You'd be like, you know what? Actually lie down. I've got something for you first. And then you vacuum seal him into the fucking bed. And then you're like, i hope you like being hooked we sorry i just got distracted by something you said uh we have since so two updates on old things we know one person listening is into knife play actually

or her friend is jesus but it is not the girl so it wasn't the one you mentioned before and secondly remember the nudes thing where she wanted to learn there's two of them out there how the yeah there's two of them out there at the nudes thing the guy finally deleted the nudes he says he says yeah of course they're on his computer yeah but yeah apparently his niece uh took his phone and like tried, tried to go in, and he was like, I got to get rid of them all. Scorcher's policy, no nudes. He's probably lying. Yeah, they're off his phone.

Yeah. Anyway, sorry, back to the question. They're on the drive now. You just got to exceed all sexpectations. Yeah, you've got to one up and be like, you know what, I'm really sorry. I saw your email. I know you're into this,

so I'm going to, you know, take care of this for you. And then, you know, go to town on him. You know what I'm thinking? What if he's taking her jousting? Oh, shit, maybe he's not BDSM shit. Maybe he's like leather armor and like a whip. Like maybe that's his weapon of choice. She's like, it's a flail.

Worst jester ever. Maybe like a flail, like a spiked thing that she thinks is for whipping her, but it's just like a mace. Ah. Maybe he's fucking... Maybe he's taking her to like a renaissance fair. Yeah. That could be great. Yeah.

Fuck, I want to go to a renaissance fair. I'll bring you. I've never been. Yeah. Fuck, I want to go to a renaissance fair. I'll bring you. I've never been. Yeah, me neither. Go into fucking costumes to pull it off. Let's do it. Did they do that here? I'm sure there's somewhere we can go to a renaissance fair.

That's fair. Well, this question got weird. That's fair. Let's do it. So, yeah, I guess, but honestly, do you think she says it? I feel like the fun of just not knowing, like, the terror of showing up and validating it, I mean, like, I think just leave it for yourself to be. That's my thing. Because it's either going to be.

My morbid curiosity would be, like, I need to see how these pieces go together. I feel like that's either going to be a great day somehow. I don't know. Or like just the best story. Like, oh, you think you had a weird Valentine's Day? Yeah. Let me talk to you about my torture pony. But is it like, are we sure it's a real pony and not like a pony, like a person pony?

The pony is only rented for a few hours on saturday like that's pretty specific you can rent out people ponies sure i think that's like i don't see why your mind would go there when there's like i'm pretty sure she'd know because i've seen videos you've posted videos of people being ponies and they call it pony play does she not call it pony play she doesn't call she says I'm not into pony play, yeah. So, maybe it's like fucking Jared dressing up as a pony. No, no, go back. Sorry, it is.

Maybe it's Montana Peacock. Yeah, Montana Peacock does actually sound like somebody who would be into pony play. Also, that's a pretty fucking sweet burlesque name. Is it? I don't know. I feel like it. That'd be Alfredo vocabulary. Alfredo Marinara.

Alfredo Marinara. Nobody wants Marinara unless it's on a meatball sub or a pizza. Yeah. So, I guess just fucking go through with it. Like, ride this sex torture pony into your amazing future and fucking, like... Yeah, I don't know. Maybe have like a... I'm going to message this person and be like, what happened?

Please tell me. How do these pieces go together? Yeah, I'm going to message them right now. Also, did Dan ever reply to you? Nope. Is he dead? I don't want to say... I hope so.

Yeah, I don't want to say I hope so because that's bad mojo to put on the universe. I just hope he's really giving himself a good hard think. And this comes from Reddit user Paradox497. Girl rejects me on Valentine's Day 2018, and now I hear she has feelings a year later. You know what? I saw that one, but I didn't read it. Okay. Oh.

A year ago on Valentine's Day, I asked out my best friend of many years, in brackets, female. Oh. We have been together as friends practically since the start of middle school. Anyway, I asked her out on Valentine's Day, and she rejected me, saying she would prefer to just be friends and how nice of a guy I am. Flat forward one year, I am still great friends with her and I'm now finding out that through a friend we both share that she talks about me a lot and has caught feelings

for me. With Valentine's Day coming up, I don't know what I should do. I still have feelings for her. She's always extremely firty, very touchy, listens to music with me while I work. I don't know what I should do or how I should even approach this. Help a brother out.

Well, you go on ponyrental.com. Try, because at this point, like, what date is it? It's, I mean, when the seventh, right? It's the seventh right now. But by the time we get off, fuck, it'll probably be like the 10th, right? It'll be the 11th, I believe. Shit, yeah. You know what?

All the ponies uh they're probably all going to be rented out by then yeah i mean like to get someone as high quality as montana peacock like good luck yeah he's booked up you've got your your horse down oh yeah yeah i got mine like what's what's their name months uh milo hutton oh yeah i've got arona sprentis um who's actually like he he kind of hurt himself in a race last year so it actually downgraded him to a pony even though he's a show horse so like i won't be this year like yeah yeah like and the thing is like the average pony sometimes if you load them up with a lot of whips and chains and shit like you can you know you've heard the saying the uh the chain that

broke the pony's back so uh it can be fatal out there you don't want to destroy your horse on valentine's day so it's no it's good to get like sturdy one and the thing is like by the time this comes out you're either probably going to be shit out of luck or you're going to get one of those weak ponies you're getting like a miniature horse maybe a. Yeah. And the thing is like, you don't, that can put a dampener on the mood. Like a fucking broken spine equine creature just in the middle of your fuck fest of torture. And let's hear into that. Yeah. That's the thing.

And they do charge you a little bit more, but you can recoup the losses in glue. Okay. this person. What does he do? They just sound so immature and stupid and young. I say you just have a wank at home instead of doing Valentine's Day things because you're not mature enough. And just give up. Just give up.

No. He put his heart on the line. And she said no. Last Valentine's he gave her his heart. And the very next day she fucked it away. Gave it away. This year, to save him from tears, I say, give it to the

friend. Oh, the mutual friend. Yeah. Or the pony. Swing it around. Get them both. Or the pony. Swing it around. Get them both. Or fuck her dad. Yeah, power play. Yeah. Be like, hey, I know

we gave, or I wanted to give this a go and I've heard that you want to give this a go, but I don't think that's appropriate because I'm balls deep in your father. I'm now fucking your father. Yeah. I'm sorry, Jodyes i'm i'm fucking mr hayes mr or oh uh ned ned hayes ned hayes yeah i don't know i i say leave ball in her court man but like Okay, I'm sorry. I'm thinking from a cynical, older you know, whatever.

We've got to, like, we have to take We have to regress right now. We have to do some capoeira. Take ourselves back. Oh, hey! Bring ourselves back into 14-year-old us. Hey! How are you doing? I haven't hit puberty yet. I'm a late bloomer.

What would I be doing? I would be too busy brooding with like hair over my face i'm a little bit smaller than everyone else right now thank fuck i'll grow i think i'd actually grown by this point so it's fine um you were brooding with hair oh man i was like are these like your headshots? Oh, worse. I will... I'll try to find some. My hair was longer than yours, though, for sure. Uh... My hair was pretty fucking long.

Uh... I don't know. Sorry, I gotta go. My power metal band needs me to get back on the guitar. I gotta go. My fucking Bright Eyes convention is starting right now.

The fuck is that? You probably haven't heard of them okay i'm sorry i'm gonna be over here actually playing a sold-out show because i was a cool kid if you need me i'll be poorly playing an acoustic guitar while trying to cover some shitty like emo band okay on point uh you know what man fuck we can't go to a bar we're 14 um fuck we live at home do you have an attic perfect he's not trying to fuck her yet no but like you still need you still need that space right i'm gonna be sitting in the living room with the parents you know what you do sort of

and this is patented this is i'm gonna give going to give you my trick. This was my, like, just hallelujah from when I was like 13 until I was about 18, 19. This always works. Get them over. You go to the attic and you put on the DVD Stardust. That's all. The Brendan Fraser movie? No. Oh, no. The Neil Gaiman adaptation? No. Oh, no?

The Neil Gaiman adaptation? Yeah, with the unicorn? Yeah, there's a unicorn. Yeah. Is Brendan Fraser in that? I'm pretty sure he's the main character. Isn't he? No.

Your one from Homeland is the main female, and the main dude is just some random... Oh, I'm thinking of that other real shit. The Mummy. No, Inkheart or some bullshit like that. The Mummy. I always think about The Mummy. The Mummy's amazing. But you put that movie on,

I'm like, fuck, man. You know what my trick was? Everyone loves that movie. I put on Donnie Darko. No. Nobody gets wet to Donnie Darko. They do, because no one understands it.

So they're so excited to do anything other than watch that movie. Yeah, but you watch Stardust and it has the humor. It has the action. It has, like, it's a fallen star finding love, man. It's heartwarming. There are witches.

Jake Gyllenhaal. There's gay pirates. It's like the best. Being stalked by a hallucinogenic. Bunny. Murder rabbit. No, no. Okay, try them both out

get back to us see which one works I promise you you will fuck after Stardust no no one's gonna get people are gonna watch Stardust now and be like this is hokey as shit

you watch Donnie Darko no okay you take that back no they will you take that take that back right now and it's like a cult classic no it was never

yes it is it was never good Donnie Darko is it was like the the cream of the like teenage crop because like it was it was so bro it is it was never good donnie darko is it was like the the cream of the like teenage crop because like it was it was so broody and it was so like not all of us were broody and had hair over our faces and just like everyone listened to hawthorne heights crying in the corner yeah i bet you right now i fucking hated hawthorne heights actually i don't know who they

are um just know their emo shit okay we are this kid. That was a brand new kid. I say go for it. Look, if you are... If you have the fortitude of heart to go again this year, to put yourself out there, all fucking power to you, man. Like, fuck yeah. Go for it. Yeah, that's the thing.

Just be like, look. I heard. Just like, okay. Maybe because this is real life and you're a kid and you already have this go-between action, maybe get a little bit more insider information. Be like, oh, do you think she'd be, you know, down for a val- like, use that link. If you got that link, I'm sure she's not admitting these things to you without the other girl's knowledge. So milk that source, right?

Be like, oh, tighten down what you think she'd want for Valentine's Day. Yeah. And fucking do it. And yeah, good job. You got shut down and you're not, you didn't get weird and shitty, I hope, or else she wouldn't like you now. And you're fucking ready to get back in the ring. And that is sick.

Those are two very good traits to have. There's nothing to hold against this girl either. Like, I was reading all the comments and people were like, she sounds like a manipulative bitch. I'm like, one, she's probably like 12. So calm the fuck down, Reddit. Two, it's like people can change and people's opinions of people can change. And like, if like, just because you're not into someone, then it's like, you know, hormones hit and people start spurting hair and shit.

Maybe he was like, hey, what about this? And she was like, no. And he was like, okay. And still was a cool fucking person. And she was like no and he was like okay and still was a cool fucking person and she was like oh that's actually really mature and awesome and like a year later she's like you know what this guy's the best because there's nothing he mentioned like bitter or shitty he wasn't like that fucking you know yeah so you know what all power to him i take back all my cynical bullshit uh this is great i say you know give it another shot and if it doesn't pan out test the water

with the friend like you said and then and then just make a move i'm like you know what if if that's the way like if it doesn't work out again like keep doing what you're doing don't be better don't be shitty just okay move on because that's the way to fucking be so this guy he's beyond his ears yeah all, you ready? Uh-huh. Asked a girl out for Valentine's Day. She said she's going out with friends, plural, for a movie by Lord Blueberry. Probably into blueberry porn.

Texted me later to have fun. I thought you meant the movie was by Lord Blueberry, and I was like, I don't know what that means. Texted me later to have fun playing. Should I take the hint or pursue further? I know for a fact she is single or was till last week. Sorry, what was the first bit? That's the only kind of confusing part for me. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what that means. Was she like, hey, have fun playing tonight? Yeah. Or maybe he was playing PlayStation? Yeah. the field tonight yeah like maybe he was playing playstation yeah um now the thing is he like there's no information on like when he asked her but from the comments he seems to be really upset that she has plans and it's clearly not true and it's a diss and it's blah blah blah blah blah but like it just said he asked her out like it wasn't like this girl i'm seeing It's clearly not true. And it's a diss. And it's blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, like.

It just said he asked her out. It wasn't like, this girl I'm seeing. Right? Yeah. It was just like, it's just a girl that he asked out. Yeah, ask her out for Valentine's Day. He says she's going out with friends for a movie. But, like, let's be fair. That's not a fucking immediate, nah.

Right? Like, when we were single, what did we do? Valentine's Day. Woo, woo. Yeah, like, we went out. Because we were like, yeah, it's one of those whatever days. Like, we may as well make a thing out of it. We went out.

You have scars to literally prove it. For everyone confused by that, Dane decided to cook me and our good friend a 3 or 4 a.m. meal of various, various it was like chicken wings and chicken nuggets and chicken fingers and fries and onion rings and shit yeah in the oven at like 4 a.m after we went out drinking garlic bread and garlic bread uh but he ended up like making skin on like burner content or skin on like it was the girl i dropped the fucking uh garlic bread and it landed face down like in the like gross bottom of the oven

so I went in to reach and I burnt myself cause I was hammered all we hear is like ah fuck but the garlic bread was still there so I reached

and then silence and then ah fuck and he comes back and he's got two stripes of massive burns on his arm uh

so be careful when you're cooking but like i feel like it's totally reasonable for someone to have single plans for valentine's day it's such a thing like valentine's day is like a huge fucking thing for like single girls to go out and fucking yeah just do something be like fuck it we don't need dudes or like we don't need a relationship it's like that's that's not like an unheard of concept so like i don't know when you've asked this person this thing but don't be like well she's being weird she says she has plans like that fucking is fine it makes sense and don't hold it against them like yeah because i wouldn't bail on the guys even if some girl was like hey like you want to do

something i'd be like sorry like if we've already solidified plans like i don't got fucking bail i don't know you fuck off yeah and it's like even if it wasn't valentine's day like if someone if someone already has plans they're not obligated to like date you just because you asked and they show the fucking world works you know what sophia bryant back off i have friends my plans with my friend oh okay it's a it's a name yeah I guess some more and that that leads into another question I guess which is basically like some people are fucking miserable about Valentine's Day

and I would say don't just don't be yeah it's just a day it really means shit and man i have so many questions like this so this is my first lonely valentine's day in 15 years by milf for boys i've been exhausted i've been an ex sorry i've been with my ex-husband for the past 15 years we used to have a very romantic valentine's day tomorrow my first valentine's day since our divorce about a month ago. He was everything to my sex life. In fact, he's the one who taught me how to embrace sex and not be shy about it.

We did stuff I thought I'd never do in my life. Now I'm not sure how to approach tomorrow other than to be depressed and get drunk. I mean, if you are a self-described MILF, or boys, just go to a bar. Go find some boys. Yeah, like...

Not literal boys. Yeah, like boys. B-O-o-i-z like boys to men you know like some 19 year old boys to men that should be your you know category yeah it's it's weird that people are like fine and then valentine's day rolls around this is the worst i can't believe i'm alone it's like okay look at All of a sudden, they're just like, this is the worst. I can't believe I'm alone. It's like... Okay, look at the positives. You're not going out to, like, fucking spend

a shit ton of money on some stuff in a packed restaurant while, you know, you're just fucking trying to do your thing, right? You're not dropping four hundos on a stupid bracelet.

You're not obligated. It would be $300. It would be $3,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. dropping four hundos on a stupid bracelet you're not obligated you can do 300 it'd be three thousand dollars yeah yeah that's why he broke up with her probably yeah he was like i can't he's like i can get a new girl and only pay 200 you know that's the thing is like that's the only reason the divorce rate exists as it is is because you have to scale and like if you don't have the financial portfolio for that like do you know the choice right um because if you also get half the money it's like to pay for the valentine's day you you would miss out exactly yeah and the thing is like if you if it's your turn to spend the 15 000 or the 30 000 or whatever it was uh and you only spend like

even even like 1000 less than that, divorce just automatically happens the next day. An owl arrives with your divorce bomb. It goes off and all of a sudden you're drunk and depressed on Valentine's Day the next year. Fucking no. Like do something positive. It's just a day, firstly. But secondly, if you're going to be feeling this shit,

do something positive. Also, there's nothing wrong with being alone. And, like, I understand that, like, you know, after a relationship or whatever, it's tough the first time. Yeah. It's like, it's the first holiday after you break up with someone or, like, lose a loved one or something. There's always, like, that first. And I get it. There's a hump.

But, like, hopefully you have some friends that you can be like, hey, I'm feeling kind of shitty. Like, want to grab a bottle of wine and just watch you know some fucking stupid movie and that's the thing like donnie darko see what happens yeah this is a stupid movie you're right um but yeah like you can always channel your shit into something positive if you want to right yeah you can sit at home be drunk and depressed if you want to but i'm sure there's someone who will hang out with you or like something you can do like you know maybe you like set yourself a project like do a crafting thing or cook yourself a nice meal or like like practice some self-love take yourself out for a date you know the thing is yeah it's like when i was single going out like taking

myself out for a date was like the most fun like i still do that i used to like i haven't done it in a long time and like i kind of miss it um we're like yeah you just go to a restaurant that you want to go to like or you've always wanted to go to and be like i've never been able to get someone just like fucking go yeah or like a movie you've wanted to watch or like a fucking project you wanted to do or like anything like take take any of these opportunities do something positive and also get your friends have a valmentine's day get your fucking best friend to burn himself constantly trying to make you garlic bread um and then laugh at him all these singes like i'm sorry it was very funny though yeah you just just buy yourself a vibrator

and here oh but here's the thing if if you're missing the sex, I would imagine it's not hard. Like, go somewhere and pick someone up. Yeah. Get on Tinder. I promise you, there is a guy out there who's sitting at a bar who would like to also fuck or who is also feeling alone. And it's like, it doesn't need to be the start of any sort of brilliant new romance. No, but you can have some good, good sex.

Yeah, just fucking clit him into the mattress for a night and then get rid of him. Wear him down to a knob. Yeah. And I don't think anyone would give a shit. If you get in quick, you might still be able to get one pony at least. Yeah. I mean, we're counting it real close.

Yeah, and like pony window. And honestly, we probably should have done this last week when there were all those fresh, fresh ponies up for grabs. Last week? Man, I booked mine like two months ago. Yeah, but we're not fucking noobs, right? These fucking idiots. They don't even know about ponies. Don't put this in.

Oh, I'm back. Is that 14-year-old Al again? Hey! What's this pony doing? Oh, God! But yeah, like, there's a lot of... Everything seems to be... The majority of the Valentine's Day questions are either, what's too soon?

What do I do? Or, like, why am I so miserable? Like, how do I blah, blah, blah, blah. Let me show you this one. Okay. This is, like, the epitome of Valentine's Day misery, or just, like, ignorance. So, single people, what will you be doing on Valentine's Day

by help, help, help 34. Lots of people, including me, will probably be alone on Valentine's Day. Something's hard to think that on that day, everyone else will be spending with someone they love who loves them back. Yet some people are not loved by anyone in the world in that way.

And those that are will be kissing, cuddling, eating, having sex, etc. with someone that loves them fully and it's them against the world together when you're single you are really alone you can't go out alone that day or you look pathetic because you're the one no one really loves everyone else has a mate it's embarrassing i'll probably watch movies by myself we can all admit being with someone very attractive who's attracted to us and love doesn't treat us as well as the ultimate happiness nothing compares to the love of another person what a miserable shit yeah but like you can't go out that day dane it'll be embarrassing there's a shit ton of people who believe that i know and that's what i wanted to

bring up like it doesn't fucking matter nobody cares like i've worked in bars on valentine's day and if i see someone come in by themselves, you know what I judge them on how they act. I don't give a shit that they're by themselves. You know what I fucking hate? The two people in the corner who dropped $200 on a meal they can't afford and didn't tip. That's who I fucking hate. I don't give a shit that you're in by yourself, having a good time, reading a book and are cool. Like no one fucking cares. And if you're relegating yourself to your own home to just like stew in misery you're not gonna do well and also like if you put that much importance

on another person you're probably fucking your own prospects for relationships up anyway that's the thing is like people seem to correlate like their self-worth and and like their happiness with being in a relationship and it's like it's not true like you can very happily be single and very successfully be single and still like be loved by multiple people like you can still be in love and feel love and be the recipient of love yeah just because you're single doesn't mean like you are unlovable but also like even like think of people who have like you know those fucking amazing romances and like they're together forever and blah blah blah blah blah, blah, blah. The week before they met that person, they were still the same person.

They just hadn't met that person yet. Are they worthless that week and fine the next week? Because, oh, someone found you. Now you count. Like they're the same person. Yeah. And that's what people need to get in their fucking head. It's like just because you have or haven't found somebody doesn't mean shit about you.

And if you're using that as your metric for fucking happiness it's not gonna go well and like i'll tell you right now the the only reason i'm with my girlfriend like the only reason i'm capable of loving another person is because i was lucky enough to find myself a group of friends who were willing to deal with my bullshit like guide me through the shit that i was going through like like you and and our other close friends were were the first people to like really love me in a very long time um and that and that like kind of opened the doors and was like i was like oh okay like love is is a good thing love it like i don't have to block myself off and like i'm capable of, uh, loving other people and it doesn't have to be like a romantic.

It can be a platonic friendship. It can be, you can just be like loving yourself, which you need to do. I'm sorry. It's a fucking requirement. Well, yeah,

yeah. Like I, I really, I really do not think that like you can, you can honestly love someone if you don't love yourself. And like, I know that's a fine line to walk with like things like depression and mental illness and stuff like that.

But I think, I think that's sort of like a different gray area where like you can, you can, you can love yourself, uh, in spite of a mental illness. Like even if you have depression, you can still love who you are and you can still, you can see, still, you know, and have a, have a sense of worth to yourself. Loving yourself doesn't mean you're not down or you're not depressed or you're not whatever. Just because you're having a shit day or you're really, really down or whatever, people who love themselves, it's not like they just have everything. They're perfect.

Every day is golden. No, that's not true at all. You have the fucking worst days and you have whatever. And anyone who thinks that is wrong like you it's not like this golden ticket you just like pop into this area and you're like oh shit now i'm not sad anymore yeah now i'm not whatever now i've solved everything um that's not true uh you just need to be cool with you yeah that's my that's Day gift to everyone. Before you give anything to anyone, take a good solid 10 minutes and just spend some time with yourself and be like, you know what? Me, you're my Valentine.

Be like, I'm pretty fucking great. Yeah. And if you're single and don't have a romantic partner, that doesn't mean shit. That's fine. Literally, it's no bearing on you. Look at the fucking world. The amount of different things that are at play all the fucking time.

Any one of those reasons could be the reason why you haven't met somebody yet or the reason why you're about to meet somebody or whatever. It literally doesn't work like that. It's not like someone's just like oh you're shit nope next oh you're good here here here's here's a partner yeah like that's not how it fucking works yeah you just just take a moment and and uh realize you're fucking awesome and and if you're listening to the show you're definitely fucking awesome and embrace any difficulties you're having maybe maybe you do have problems Maybe you do have problems. Maybe you do have things going on in your life. That's fine.

That's cool. You're still very capable of loving yourself and you're still very much worthy of love. And if you have a partner, take an extra moment and be thankful for them and re-educate yourself on how lucky you are. And also, like, your friends. Like, take a moment to fucking love them. Yeah. So, I think it's one of those things where, like, it might be nice to take a moment on Valentine's Day and just send a little message of being like, hey, man, I love you. And, like, everyone.

Everyone that you love, send it out there. Because I promise you there are people who need to hear that. And there are people who know you do, but, like... It's always nice to hear. It's always so nice to hear. And I love you, by the way. I love you, too. Yeah, I know. But I promise you there are people who need to hear that and there are people who know you do but like it's always nice to hear it's always so nice to hear and I love you by the way I love you too yeah I know

but I love you you said a really nice thing a minute ago I just wanted to make sure you know alright girl has on her snap story happy valentine's day baby

with a dude in the pic we were planning on meeting up tomorrow by dcruzo95 we met on tinder about two weeks ago. We are scheduled to meet up at her house tomorrow.

We've had a lot of chemistry, so I'm excited to meet her. After seeing her Snap story, though, I'm a bit paranoid. Is it just a good guy friend? Need some reassurance so I don't drive myself crazy. I mean, like, regardless of whether it's a good guy friend or not, like, just abort. It's a weird one, right? Like, like i mean i don't think there's any problem with you being like hey man i'm like people are shit on tinder and people are just

shit in general um to completely counteract every nice thing i just said no people fucking suck don't love yourself you're worthless um i think like there's no harm in being like hey so sell your snap story i just want to make sure like are we good yeah yeah you know what I think you have to be friends with someone on snapchat to see their story right yeah okay cool so at least they're on that so like it would make sense I figured it might be like uh he was like doing that little extracurricular stalking and was like oh shit and then can't really bring it up without seeing creepy no I'm pretty sure you have to like add each other before you can see any of that okay yeah i don't i don't feel like there's any real loss i mean like you know like you can jokingly be like hey like do i have some

competition or like hey like please tell me you're not like dating someone lol like ha ha ha and just like actually get an answer offer yeah you know i feel like that that's reasonable because that's kind of a weird well yeah it'd be one of those things where like even if you like you know popped on their instagram and it was just like 100 pictures of you and the and the same guy like cuddling and shit it's like i don't think it's it's you know a bad thing to be like hey i'm just just double checking like yeah it's because like they might just be in an open relationship you know what i mean like yeah polyamorous and and fine great you know what i mean it's like that's cool great do that but like if if it's one of those things but also like even if it is just a really good guy friend like that's weird that's coming

with a lot of baggage i'm sure you know what i mean because like if you start seeing this person like i promise you that guy is like gonna hang around like he's not gonna something tells me he's probably not gonna give you much space yeah considering he's being like happy valentine's day baby yeah it seems a little uh so just on the similar topic uh someone posted up a thing this girl on my instagram and it was like a picture of her and a guy and I don't know who it was, but it was like, oh my God, like such a nice night out with you or whatever. And he's like, I'm real happy.

And she's like, hashtag not a couple. Oh yeah. I was like, no, you're... It was pretty funny. But yeah, I say like either find a way to ask her or abort because that's kind of strange. Yeah. Especially if you haven't met the person like have no real context or context in like their outside like friendship or relationships i think it's totally fair to be like are you seeing someone and like again if the

parameters are like yeah no i'm i'm like i'm with them but like we're we're an open relationship it's like oh okay cool great yeah but like i also think like if you're in an open relationship like that's something you kind of have to disclose yeah because a lot of people are sure you're about to meet up yeah um because i know i know a really lovely young lady who is in an open relationship and like she's the best and she's adorable um but like the amount of guys who are like oh you have a boyfriend yeah no and she's like well i mean it's it's no different than like if you're seeing other people yeah yeah um and then people are just like they're so weirded out by that so yeah it is something you do have to be but it's one of those things where like it's

it's worth bringing up yeah okay i 22 year old female have a brackets p fetish and i would like to explore my boyfriend 25 year old male but I'm not sure how. Guess what their username is. P-lover89. I like P12. Close. This is long. Whoa, this is long. Okay.

A little background on our relationship. We've been together for a little over two years now. We're the best friends. Very much in love. Great communication. We talk out all of our problems. Fewer patches here and there. Rarely fight.

We go together like things that go well together. Anyway, he knows I'm into pee. We were talking one day a year ago if we had weird fetishes and I told him. Doesn't bother him. He wasn't excited by it. He teases me now and then about it. Like he says he's gonna pee on me in the shower and I say don't. He says, oh, but I thought you were into that.

Lighthearted stuff. I think it's funny. I'm into wetting, peeing on things that shouldn't be peed on like carpet and furniture, peeing on other people, etc. I watch videos and stuff. Other than peeing my panties once in the bathtub, I never experimented with it let alone with another person but i've always fantasized it i'm gonna skip a bunch because like you know anyway we're getting a hotel for valentine's day and i'd like to explore a little with p i just don't know how to bring it up with

him he's somewhat open to try my fetishes he's an anal so i told him blah blah blah he's so i know he's a little willing to try new things uh we've also experimented with like bdsm blah blah i'd like to try being tied up and forced to wet myself peeing on him him watching and filming me pee on the floor i just don't know how to bring it up i would also like some suggestions on some good intro to pee fetish type things i'd be a little sad if he was totally against trying it but it's not a deal breaker i still have my porn god this got long i apologize that's me and the poster uh basically yeah want to hear what people think thanks i think you gotta like ease into it i don't think you open with i want to pee on you um i thought it was what like if it's the other way around to be like pee on me

i think it would be an easier easier sell but to like if he's not, it'd be like, pee on me. I think it would be an easier sell. But if he's not into it, to be like, hey, you're going to be on the receiving end of this. But you being tied to the bed and peeing yourself and you peeing on the carpet and shit like that. Also, don't pee on a carpet in a hotel. Yeah, please. I was just going to take a moment for the workers here. Don't pee on the carpet in a hotel. Yeah. Don't pee in the carpet in the hotel. Yeah.

Don't pee in the bed on the hotel. Yeah. Like, can we just get that clear? Like, no. That's not okay. Someone's got to clean that up. Someone has to clean that up. Like, I'm sorry.

Like, whatever you're into, that's cool, but don't do that. Because you're getting an unwilling participant involved, like, real deep in your shit and piss or your piss like but like no don't like can we just go to the bathroom that's the thing i feel like if you're gonna do any of this bring it up and and then do it in the bath yeah for everyone's sake like nothing's less sexy than like she does mention cleaning it up at one point but like are you gonna bring like a bevy of fucking like like mops and fucking scrubbers and deep carpet clean no you're not probably but also i doubt it's gonna be very sexy for him to be like oh you're gonna just go spend 20 minutes and rubber gloves and foam up that carpet real good while i lie here awkwardly like no so let's get that out of the way yeah i

see just like bring it up with him. He seems cool. At least you have spoken about it before, so it's not going to come out of nowhere. You know? Yeah, there's nothing wrong with, like, maybe, you know, handcuffing you to the fucking shower curtain if it's dirty enough and being, you know what I mean, and making you pee on the fucking bath mat. At least that you can, like, throw out. They're not going to fucking charge you for the bath mat or towels or whatever.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, it's better than the fucking carpet or the mattress. Like, pee on your own accoutrements in the bath. Yeah. Like, I feel like just don't have any collateral damage is the first thing. But, like, just talk to them. You guys seem pretty open.

And, like, you have mentioned it before. So, you know, all good things. Yeah. seem pretty open and like you have mentioned it before so you know all good things yeah it's it's one of those fetishes i think where like you gotta start slow yeah you know what i mean and ramp up and like start with the the least amount of thing it's like which i imagine would be you peeing yourself yeah because like no one's getting harmed there and then move on to like maybe him filming you peeing on things yeah um again that you own you fucking monster yeah don't please don't make a poor hotel worker clean up your stuff yeah um like come on and then you know what i mean like maybe seeing how happy

it makes you or like the rush of it all maybe he'll then be like yeah i'm gonna lie in the bathtub and i'm gonna let you pee on me. And then just move it up. But yeah, I feel like at least you're open to starting with things that don't necessarily involve more than their presence. That's cool. That's a good way to start. Yeah. But keep the hotel workers out of it. Yeah, please.

Please. Because you can wash bedsheets. You can wash carpets. Even then, though. But you can't fucking wash a mattress. So either they're replacing that or someone's going to sleep in your stupid fucking piss mattress. Yeah. Would you want me to come to your house and piss all over your mattress and not tell you?

She might. Yeah, she might. Fuck. No, it seems like she's all about her own pee. Yeah. It doesn't sound like she's into other people's pee. That's fair. But, yeah, just, like, think into other people's pee. That's fair. But yeah,

just like, think about other people when you're doing these things and then just communicate and, you know, hopefully it goes well. Yeah. I'll have more power to you.

Good luck. Be respectful. Yeah. All right. I think we're done. This has been our podcast anyway. Happy Valentine's Day,

everybody. If you never listen to this podcast again, I don't blame you. I might stop myself. Do you never listen to this podcast again, I don't blame you. I might stop myself. Do you want me to read some of the lyrics from the Book of Love? So what we're going to do is let you know

all our stuff. So fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. Send us an email. Please let us know if you have any questions. You can find us on Twitter. And you can find us on Facebook. Oh, shit. FCK Buddies Podcast on Facebook.

It's the Book of Love, actually, by Megan Outerfield. And we... Our Twitter, again, if you're looking us up, FSTARCKBUDDIES is usually the best way to find us on any of these platforms. Please let some friends know. We're trying to, you know, expand. And the more questions we have the more people listening

the better this all goes but yeah guys like let us you know what if you listen send us an email send us something like do you agree with something we've said do you disagree with something you've said do you want to just tell us a funny situation you've been in do you have an idea what they're doing with the torture equipment of the pony let us know something this can be social week send us a thing. That's what you can do on Valentine's Day. Ignore your partner. Just send us something.

Yeah. Yeah. Not a nude. No. We don't want your nudes. We don't. I'm sorry. There's someone out there that does

and it's not us. So send them after. Yeah. I like that idea. I like the whole social week idea. If you send us a tweet or a Facebook comment or a message or any sort of, if you reach out to us in any sort of way, we're going to, we'll give you a little shout out and thank you for listening on the next episode.

Yeah. All right. Dan says, new post. I want to get my ex back before Valentine's Day. It's like he's a man obsessed. Well, the post before, what does it mean if your ex kisses you on the cheek when she sees you? Like, he's stopped giving fucking advice

and he's just, like, desperately seeking answers. What does it mean if your ex texts you randomly to say hi? Why does my ex text me if she doesn't want me back? I don't know what to say to my ex if I contact her. My ex-girlfriend blocked me on Facebook. What can I do? Those are six in a row. I'm actually really worried for Dan.

I'm going to send him another message and be like, Dan, please. Yeah. Just let me know you're okay. Okay, well, we're going to message him. Yeah. I'm going to save Dan. Hashtag save Dan. This is social save week, save Dan week.

Yeah, maybe send Dan a message. You know what? On Valentine's Day, I want everybody here to send Dan a happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. It's Dan. Will I give out his? No. Okay.

Find him. Hunt him down. Give him your roses. Let's fucking end this. Yeah. My name is Dan Miller. My name is Niles Spain. Happy Valentine's Day. We're your fuck buddies.

I am that surprise rose. And I am 14-year-old Niall. Potatoes. Last question. Quickfire. Which song would make you instantly fall in love if a guy slash girl sends it to you on Valentine's Day? This is how we do it. This is how we do it.

Brrm, brrm, brrm, brrm.