F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 217 - Go Read a Book!

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Hey, idiot! Are you bad at dishes? Go read a book. Can't solve complicated math problems? READ A BOOK! Topics include underground platonic cuddle group, how to know if your date went well, underage Grindr extraction, a cold first experience, requiring a trip to the sex library.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are an award winning dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either in the wild, on the internet, or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, collaboratively, together award-winningly. And if you are getting ASMR tingles right now, that is because I have a very, very happy cat purring his goddamn brains out. He was sick. Oliver was sick for a while, and he's now feeling better, and now he likes to let me know by making noise constantly. Remember the days where he used to be upset when we'd podcast? And be like, what are you guys doing? And then that didn't last very long. And now he's obsessed with getting his own voice on the air.

Now he only wants to be on podcasts. I want to know what he conveys with his purrs to all the cats of the people listening. Because what if it doesn't align with our values? I imagine it's sort of like a Manchurian cat. I think he's activating all of his little, his cat sleeper cells. His com-crat cats? Com-cats? Cat rats?

His sleeper cat nappers? Yeah, they are probably sleepers. All right, ready for a question right now? Yeah, I think so. Right here? This is by Masterplum3678. I, male, 19-year-old, am part of an anonymous cuddling group, and my mother, 50-year-old female, who I live with, disapproves.

All right, let me try my best to explain i live in new york city i found an underground cuddling network in my local neighborhood damn basically you find someone of your preferred gender and spend the night cuddling with them and having a platonic hookup most of the time i just cuddle with the girls and watch netflix or a scary movie but occasionally they'll leave the room and we can have a nice night out that's a really weird way to say it. Like the girls will just leave like you're in their house. I assume they mean occasionally they will leave the room together and have a nice night out, such as watching a movie or going out downtown. Plus,

I'm kind of socially anxious around women and this gives me a lot of much wanted hands-on experience with them. I found there are a surprisingly high amount of women near me interested in platonic hookups. But when I tried to explain this all to my mother, she got really mad at me. Said the whole thing was weird and pervy, and that didn't sit right with her. Said I shouldn't be cuddling with girls older than me, and that I should just get a girlfriend like a normal boy my age. She hasn't outright told me she forbids me from doing it. She does give me funny looks when she sees women pick me up and drop me off.

I can't drive yet. What can be considered weird and pervy about it? How old is he? 19. Okay. My only initial concern with this is you've called it underground, which I don't know if you just mean that it's like, you know, not super well broadcast or whatever. is that this could be a potential place for predators and that the people who are saying that they are who they are, aren't who they are, or, you know, these women are going to bring you back to a dangerous location, so on, so forth. That is my big concern. I imagine that you are taking precautions to avoid that because really there's no difference than getting on Tinder or

whatever and being in the same predicament, right? right well i would say that the one difference is that we say like we've talked before about how it can be risky to go over to someone's house before you meet them right so best to go and meet them outside whereas with this it seems very much like one people are picking you up and dropping you off so you're in a car with them you're kind of under their power at that point and secondly the dates seem to be specifically going over to someone's house to cuddle so a little bit more vulnerable than your maybe your average tinder date so that is that is my initial concern and one i understand a parent would have for their child who is just entering into like independent adulthood 19 is very young so like i get it i if if i had

a kid and they were like yeah i'm going over to a stranger's house that i met on the internet in an underground cuddling ring yeah i'd be like let's pump the brakes on that for a second so i understand her apprehension now do i think it's pervy well i'll say on top of that it's like she's 50 when she was a kid fucking tinder didn't exist it's like i know most people of that age think tinder's fucked up and weird online dating in general so that's probably contributing to to their view on it and on top of that it's like my first thought is like really is it just cuddling that's probably what she's thinking too she probably thinks that you're just like sugarcoating it like oh mom i'm cuddling with these women like she just thinks you're boning down every day and also like let's

take into consideration the fact that like we as a society still don't recognize that men could use physical affection of not a sexual nature right like on the priority of affection and physical touch for men, platonic nice cuddling is pretty low on the list for everyone. We don't talk about it a whole lot. We don't talk about the benefits of physical touch, especially not for men. Yeah, for sure. Men wanting platonic cuddling is basically the flip side of what the media tells you, which is effectively like men want sex all the time. And you know, that lends itself to a lot of harmful stuff, like people being upset if men ever say no and vice versa

here where it's like, people probably don't think that's what you actually want a platonic cuck up. Yeah. So there's, there's a lot of, of, of valid concerns, I think, from a parental caretaker point of view. But now, are we going to say it's perverted or whatever? No. If what you are doing is actually going over and having very nice, intimate platonic cuddles, that's lovely. And honestly, I would love that. I would be so down for that. That would be so, so incredibly pleasant. It's funny for me that like they say they've social anxiety and then they go and do this because like this seems like something a brave, confident person would do. You know what I mean?

Oh yeah. Let me tell you. No, I'm, I'm, you know, the extrovert of extroverts and I would be nervous to to do something like this i think that's exactly what i'm thinking it's like a date great a hookup wonderful going over to cuddle i'd be like hmm i don't know i don't know how to handle this yeah especially like as i said like with a stranger and with it being like platonic and just like it would be this new realm i'd have to like tread whereas like i'm comfortable in the other ones. Yeah, exactly. And I think this is great. If you can do this and you can like, because unfortunately, I think a lot of the problem with men that we hear of in this podcast and from our friends and blah, blah, blah is like the inability to put sex away sometimes.

And the, you know, proliferation of like fucking seduction, treating women like nothing but sex objects. And, you know, the whole thing, it's wonderful that this person can get out of their comfort The proliferation of fucking seduction, treating women like nothing but sex objects. The whole thing. It's wonderful that this person can get out of their comfort zone, go meet people, do it in a platonic way, and hopefully enjoy it and be a good platonic cuddle buddy. Because I think those skills are going to stand to you so much when it comes to dating and life. If you can go and do this and hang out with someone and be chill, you can make friends. You can go to a party.

You can do anything. So if it's as good as it sounds on paper here hell yeah and why did you tell your mom about it yeah i mean i know but like i get i you know it makes sense if you're you know if you're close with your mom and and they want to know where you're disappearing into in the strange women's cars on a regular basis. Like, yeah, I get it. Um, but I think you make a very good point. I love it, but it's just confusing to me. And you make a very good point about being able to, I think being able to transfer this into a dating and romantic and sexual sense of being able to say like, oh, hey, there are multiple ways that I can spend time with women and not all

of them need to be sex focused or sex oriented. Like the end goal doesn't need to be, I'm spending time with a woman and therefore I have to have sex with them. And I think you're going to find a lot of success later on when you do start dating women, when that's not the end goal for every interaction that you have with them. Because I think that gets really exhausting. And I think that gets really tiring for women to, to constantly be like, okay, I'm going to be spending drink or like going out for drinks with them. They're probably going to try to get me back to their

place or whatever, or, you know, like any interaction or any time that you spend with them, they assume that there's going to be an angle. But I think being able to be like, this was a great night, thank you very much, or just being chill and like allowing things to progress naturally as opposed to being like, okay, I'm going out, we're going to spend four hours together at a bar and then we're going to go back and we're going to have sex. And I feel like a lot of people when they go on dates,

that's how they think, right? Like they think date, sex, hanging out with women, sex, and you're able to sort of divorce those ideas. And I think that's going to be very, very handy for you. Now, I will say, we kind of mentioned the safety thing before. So just once you're being careful with that, because just because you're a guy doesn't mean you're safe from these things. And secondly, there was the throwaway mention of girls older than me. And I know if it was a 19 year old woman, we would be discussing that, you know, if it was like a 35 year old man picking you up to go cuddle with you, we would be worried there. I assume that like, like there is always kind of the worry with age imbalances that like you kind of take what the other person says for gospel because they're

older and more experienced and you can, that can to like abuse so i would be wary of that but again if things are going well and you're you know being safe then for all by all means keep going the only thing i think you really need to to figure out here is is safety concerns and you seem to be doing it safely so far so as long as long as it's something in the back of your mind to consider and realize that like, oh, maybe I should take precautions and maybe I shouldn't just take everything for granted that like assume everything will be safe. Follow your gut. Really, that's like a big thing with online dating or any sort of like online interactions.

If something doesn't feel right, give it a pass. And, you know, it's way easier to be like, I could have missed out on something great than like, I'm in the back of someone's trunk right now and i'm missing my liver so you know consider consider the safety but i i think there's nothing perverted or creepy about any of this as long as everyone is consensual and adults and having a good time oh yeah this is from thor odinson yeah the real get i can only assume. Now is this Chris Hemsworth Thor Odinson or like the actual like boy?

You know? I don't know. Okay. This is first date. Need advice. I just got back home from the first date with a girl I met on Tinder. We had coffee at a popular cafe. Details about the date. We hugged at the start. We did laugh a lot with each other. We did go deeper than just small talk.

We had some common interests. We had a ton of eye contact. The date lasted about two hours. At the end of the date, we hugged and she said, let's keep in touch. How do I know if it went well? Should I text her or wait to see if she texts me since I invited her to this date? Well, it sounds like it went pretty fucking well, didn't it? How do you know though?

How do you know? I would say because they did say that everything was good, that that's a good thing. On top of that, I would say that why would you wait for her again? Like fuck, fuck the games, right?

If you would fun, mesh them and say, Hey, I had fun. Yes. I, that's kind of, I think this is going to be a very quick one,

but I think there's two things to talk about here. One, you never know if a date went well, like you can think like I've been on dates where I've been like, oh, that was a lot of fun. I had a great time. And then they've been like, I just wasn't feeling it. For sure.

How many questions have we gotten where it's like, why didn't you write back? We had the best date. And it's like, no, you had the best date. Yeah. You had a good time. Yeah. It's great. Leaving a date and feeling confident and good about yourself.

I think that's a really, really good place to be. And I think that's something to like hang on to and not be, have it beaten out of you after multiple rejections of that you will inevitably go through dating. I think keeping a positive outlook and being like, Hey, that was a really fun date. And whether it progresses any further than that or not, it's kind of irrelevant because you had fun as long as you felt confident in your behavior and you know, all that stuff.

Like if you're not looking back and be like, Ooh, maybe it was a little, I came along a little too strong. So there's a, there's a bit of like introspection that kind of comes with it, but have a good date and a good date is a good date. But that being said,

there's really no way you could think you had a great date. And then they'd be like, ah, not really feeling it. they'd be like, ah, not really feeling it. I would say like, you probably have an idea if you're aware and like self-reflective and like sharp, you'll probably have a good idea. It's like if you talk to someone and you can tell someone's bored or annoyed or whatever, like you pick up on these things, but no one's perfect. And other people can be polite or they can be good at faking it or

one thing can turn them off after or whatever so like you probably have an idea yeah but you know i would say way more important is like if you what are you worried about reaching out and then being like oh he had a good time what an idiot oh he wants to see me again yeah if you reach out to someone you're like oh i had a good time and they are upset by that or offended by that or like that turns them off you would you want to date this person because i'm gonna guess no or at least the answer should be no i've been been talking to to a woman i work with and uh she was seeing someone or starting to see someone or wanted to see someone and uh she kept talking about being like oh when should i message them

should i message them i don't want to do this i don't do that should i and that's like a big thing we get here on the show as well and i'm always like if you feel like you need to change the way that you want to communicate yeah in order to appeal to someone then you're you're already setting yourself up for failure right like if you are now like communicate the way that you want to communicate because that's not going to change and it shouldn't change unless you're doing wild shit but like if you're the kind of person that's like date one i love you let's get married like yes you need to change the way you communicate but that's because of like the fact that you're wild. Yeah.

If you just are worried that like, like there is no, oh, you can't message her. There's like, you have to wait X amount of time. You blah, blah, blah. That's all bullshit. And I hate it. And anyone who thinks that way should either be 12 or should be getting over themselves. Yeah. So it's like, if you want to message this person and ask them out on a second date message them and ask themselves or ask them on a second date i think a lot of people appreciate

initiative and you know showing that you do want to like be the the amount of times i get compliments on from women because it's like oh we did i didn't have to guess and him and ha and like discuss where we're going you asked a few questions and then you told me, set a place. Just show a little initiative, show a little bit of decisiveness. And I think if you, as Nell said, if you message them and like, hey,

I had a great time the other night. I would love to see you again. What are you doing on Thursday? And they're like, ew. Where are you going to go elsewhere like what's the what's the alternative is to just wait yeah and hope that they message you or hope that you crack the arbitrary formula in which they require communication yeah because like if that's the alternative are you going to do that with them forever and be like oh i really have this issue that i want to talk to them about but it is you know full moon tomorrow and the stars haven't aligned correctly also i'm pretty sure

i saw them with an iced coffee and iced coffees usually mean that they're not in communication mode yet so i do have to wait until they get their you know frappuccino or like trying to guess the arbitrary reasons why someone isn't responding to you or whatever or is it a good time to message them like message them when you want to message them and how you want to message them as well yeah and also like people tend to forget in situations like this it's like the person's probably feeling pretty similar to you so she's probably like oh fuck did he have a good time i had a good time he hasn't texted me should i text him and she's probably like, oh, fuck, did he have a good time? I had a good time. He hasn't texted me. Should I text him? And she's probably hearing a bunch of people say, oh, don't text, blah, blah, blah. Which, again, is stupid. But if you don't reach out and maybe she doesn't reach out,

you might be like, well, it was a bust. But she's also maybe thinking, oh, it was a bust. And then you never know. If you reach out and say, oh, I had a great time, again, it's a win-win situation. Either she also had a good time and things go well or you find out that she's a fucking weirdo that gets offended by the fact that you enjoy the date and both things are good because one way you continue and another way you cancel out what's gonna be shit anyway yeah i own another question yeah uh this is by throw ra 26627 should i 38 year old male tell my friend that her son 15 year old, is using an 18s plus gay hookup app? I came across the profile of my friend's son on an 18 plus gay hookup slash dating app.

He's actually only 15. I feel like it's something I should tell his parents about, but I don't want to tell them if they don't already know he's gay. Any advice? Oof. That is a tough one. And this, like, it's also like, mmm. It's, It's difficult. I think you have to do some undercover work. I think you really need to see if you can suss out if they know he's out.

Yeah. First... Well, I figure if you're friends with someone... I guess it depends how close you are. I figure you would know. But it might also be maybe they just came out to their parents and the parents are respecting their privacy and not telling everyone. Maybe. Right.

So like, like they could be very good parents and be like, Hey, thanks. You trusted us. You can come out to the world in your own time, or they might think it's none of anyone's business. Right.

So like the parents might be keeping it close to the chest too. So I feel like, Oh, I assume this person is also out presumably if they're using gay apps, maybe not. But I feel like if they're willing to talk to their friend about it then they would also have to out themselves by being like hey i saw your son on grinder you know that i was just looking at for fun yeah at the end of the day you do need

to tell them somehow or have a conversation with the sun but i think that enters into territory that could be dangerous for you if you know if if you try to approach the sun and be like hey this is dangerous if they don't want if they're having a good time presumably they are uh then they might use this as ammunition against you being like oh you know steve hit on me or something like that and then you're in murky waters because obviously this kid doesn't give a shit about legalities right yeah well it's it's not a big deal when you're a kid right it's like you don't think about that shit you're just like this is fun and dangerous and men are attractive like women are attractive anyway

like when you're that age like the risk's also not on you right it's like exactly you're it's risk-free it's exciting you're dumb because you're a kid like and you're fucking ravaged by hormones so yeah so it's there's a lot of danger like this is kind of the same as the the cuddling thing in the sense of like you're entering into this world of you know potentially meeting up in dangerous spots like i know grinder it's it's not the same as like oh let, let's grab drinks. I mean, sometimes it can be. But I also know that Grindr has a subsect of people just being like, meet in this area behind this bar. Well, also, yeah, like cruising is not too far off from Grindr. So it's like maybe he's also on squirt.org.

Maybe he's on other stuff, which again again it is unfortunately unsafe for someone who's 15 and unsafe for the people he's lying to as well like you know it's not just that they might be a victim it's pretty fucked up for a lot of people that's the thing is if if it is like a public thing which which cruising tends to be because a lot of the times it is it is people who aren't out or you know hiding sexuality or stuff so like they do a lot of the times it is people who aren't out or hiding sexuality or something. And a lot of the time there's not even a conversation involved. You know what I mean? It's very down to business-y.

So they might not have any chance to verify. So there's dangers for a lot of people here. Yeah. And so it's like all it takes is to meet up behind a bar, but a cop happens to walk by and that dude's life is ruined hopefully most people can like clock a 15 year old i would hope so but people are looking older and older these like the amount of times i id people at bars and i'm just like you look like a child and then i'll id them and they're like fucking 26 and i'm like oh for sure no like there are people who've come in i'm like are you actually taking the piss and when i ask them for idea i expect them to like go red and leave and

then they hand me their idea and they're 28 and i'm like the fuck or like vice versa where like i know people like you know friends brothers or sisters and they like come into the bar i'm like oh do they want to drink and they're like they're 15 you're like what they look like 23 so i'm gonna throw a few ideas out there what do what do you think about messaging messaging them on the app and being like hey it's your parents friend i don't think you should be on here because it is 18 plus uh i don't want to tell your parents because i don't want to out you but like this is obviously a risky position for you to be in yeah it's i i don't think the benefit is that you do get to screenshot the conversation so if allegations come forward you know you have to prove except i could take any conversation you and i've ever had and easily photoshop yes but that's everything you know i

mean you could also just show them your side you know like it would be weirder if if you were like hey i unphotoshopped it to look good brought it up to you yes i think that it probably is the best way to do it because you you aren't running the risk of outing them right i think that is sort of like step numero uno is to make sure you don't preemptively or prematurely out this kid because there's the reason he's probably on this is because of like, you know, he might be driven here because of shame or or as you had just like hormones or is wants to date when explore his sexuality, but doesn't feel safe doing it in at home with like someone at school or you know what i mean like bringing yeah we've talked about like outing people and it's a very fucked up dangerous thing to do so i think we can both agree that the most important thing here is to or you know among the most important things here is to make sure that you don't out this kid by accident or on purpose you don't out this kid by accident or on purpose. You don't out this kid. Yeah. I think the important thing I think is tied actually. I know I just said that not outing this kid is the most, but I think his safety comes parallel.

Yeah. That's why I was in the process of saying the most important thing and then said among the most important things because I think their safety is very important. So I think messaging on the app is an option. I think there's probably a way to report them on the app as being underage. And I think that is also something you should do. Because I think that might be a little scare for them. If it probably is more effective if you don't message them. If one day they try to log in, it's like you've been reported as underage. That might get in their head and they'd be like, fuck, how'd they know?

And I think maybe, because again, we don't want to out them. But like maybe just saying you saw them on a dating app is a way to do it. And again, you raised the point, if the person who saw them is known to be out, it's harder to do it in a way that doesn't implicate them. But maybe if you have a friend that you trust, or you have a way, like you were on Tinder and you have it set to men and women or something, I don't know. You could just say you haired or you saw or something like that because if they know they're on a dating app maybe they could talk to the kid and the kid doesn't even necessarily have to out themselves it'll just be a conversation they can have yeah it's a dangerous one because i can't imagine most parents would be like i imagine it'd be like give me your phone open it up and then like yeah yeah

maybe right that's i like i feel like that's what i would do be like hey make sure like i need to see you delete this app and i i'm also going to take your phone and like put a password on the on the app store so that you can't download this shit uh which might which might out the kid no i think messaging them on the app and being like hey i understand why you're here and i'm not going to say anything to your parents out of you know respect for you and whether or not you're out but you need to understand that there is a lot of danger and a lot of a lot of risk being taken here on everyone's part the fact that like if someone gets caught with you and they're unaware of your age you've ruined their life right like that

person's life is fucked and usually nine times out of ten when someone gets put into these allegations these positions it ends in suicide like it's it's not a pretty picture right because there's really no way of coming back of being like you know i i i don't know how to else to be like it's a he said she said sort of situation and there's plenty of there's a ton of precedent of men being caught with underage people who had lied on dating platforms and stuff. And even after the fact with the, with the,

you know, the kid being like, yes, I misled him. Yes. I said it was 19 or 18 or whatever. And the parents of the kids being like, it's not his fault.

He was misled. Like there was a stain is like almost, but like, it's still a crime right like he still committed a crime a lot of places don't overturn like i think it was in the uk somewhere a software engineer got caught with a 16 year old who was pretending to be or younger uh i don't think anything ever happened i think it was just one of those things where they got caught and he was charged with it and uh he's not allowed to use like the internet and shit so it's like literally can't do his job like like all of his all of his schooling all of his you know degrees and

career history was pointless because of the sanctions put on him because of the the charge i think we we all know the dangers. So I think you do have to reach out and I think reaching out and there's also the possibility that it's a fake profile. If someone just found their fucking pictures on social media. That happens to fucking my friends

every week where some fake profile of theirs will message me on Instagram, you know? But I think their safety is paramount and that includes not outing them. So it's, this one's so tough because like, there's like, all you have to do,

like all this kid has to do is be like, okay, sorry, Steve. And then block them for sure. Yeah. And that's, that's the thing or just block them,

you know? And then if they're blocked, I don't even know if they'll show up for you to report them, but I guess you just gotta, you gotta try. You know what? Maybe reporting just straight up, getting them banned banned it might be the best way yeah and then maybe trying to talk it also depends it's like are your friends chill are you know how well do

you know them are you going to be over at their house is steve going to be around because it might be really cool for steve to if you get a minute alone with them to just be like hey i did see you on this app and like maybe they don't know that you're out. And then at least someone knows, but like it's someone safe and someone in the community, you know? Yeah. But I do think you have to do your best to try to help this kid in a way

that doesn't endanger them. 100%. This comes from Reddit user cheap human being. What does it mean when the guy doesn't touch me during sex? I, an 18-year-old female, had my first time a few weeks ago, and I kept wondering why the guy I had sex with barely ever touched me. I know porn isn't a real representation, and anyway, I rarely watch them, so I don't really know what sex should look like.

I came to his house, we got undressed, and he asked me to give him a BJ, and I did. It was a horrible one. I felt so sorry. And then he undressed, and he asked me to give him a BJ, and I did. It was a horrible one. I felt so sorry. And then he fingered me and penetrated me. He grabbed one of my boobs once and strangled me a bit. When he was done, he told me to go home. So I was wondering, does it mean that he thinks I was ugly or something? Or is it because I didn't satisfy him with the BJ I gave him?

I've become quite self-conscious since then. Also, is sex always this boring? He claimed that he had experience and that he was good, beside pain i didn't feel anything or is it because i should have done more myself in case you were wondering why i had my first with a stranger instead of a boyfriend because i never had a boyfriend and i was afraid of i would still be a virgin at 40 what age are they 18 okay firstly let's get rid of the notion that you didn't feel anything because you didn't perform a blowjob well enough and that this person found you unattractive because, again, they were having sex with you. So don't take anything that happened and turn it inwards like that because that broke my heart. And obviously, it's easier said than done, but let's just establish that straight out the gate. Secondly, people lie about having experience and even people that have quote unquote experience can be really bad at sex.

We all know the figures, the orgasm gap between men and women is astounding. The amount of women who've not had an orgasm after having multiple partners is astounding. There are a lot of men out there who fucking suck at sex. So this person may have lied about their experience to seem cooler, or they may just have experience and still suck. As for why he didn't touch you, I don't know what you mean by that, because you said he did finger you and that he did grab a boob. I guess you mean that he was like cold and like didn't touch you in any other way that wasn't sexual. Yeah, I'm not too sure. I assume it just like means, yeah, i feel like it's

it's more of a detached thing and not necessarily a physical touch thing because like i thought it was just going to be like he stuck his dick in and that was it but again who knows what the fingering entailed right so you know it could just be this person's bad at sex i mean it sounds like you were taken advantage of really yeah yeah because it was also like it doesn't they don't make at the end, it's obviously, like, this seems to be the first time she had sex. Yeah. Which, call me old-fashioned, but I don't think strangling should be involved. Well, yeah, I meant to get onto that as well. We've talked about that, and, like, you know, this person might not know it was her first time.

Like, I don't know the scenario. It could have been they met at a bar, right? have been drunk they could have gone home i will say first off we've talked about this before strangling should not happen without a lot of communication and probably just shouldn't happen in general the first time you sleep with anybody also the phrase strangling like there's just i think there's a difference between choking and strangling you know i mean Yeah, but it could be clumsy usage on this person. Yes. I will say, apart from that, it's possible that she just went home with someone, had bad sex, and feels bad about it now. Because if it had been good sex, what would differentiate this from a decent one-night stand?

Telling her to leave at the end? You know, people do that. Yeah. So it could literally just have been this person's bad at sex. And because you say that it's with a stranger, like I'm not necessarily expecting more connection. Like, I mean,

on an emotional level, like at a deeper level, because again, it's like, if you guys just met out at the bar and decide to fuck, like, you know, whatever.

Does that excuse him having bad sex? Not necessarily. Does that excuse the having bad sex not necessarily does that excuse the choking definitely not but it could literally just have been this guy is not not good at sex yeah i mean like the question of what does it mean when a guy doesn't touch you during sex look the guy doesn't seem great right flat out combine that with also your inexperience probably your nerves probably your awkwardness you don't have a recipe for a good time no in this scenario right i assume minimal to no communication as to your experience or your pleasure or anything this guy was probably like hell yeah i'm gonna get a

blow job and then you maybe the first blow job you've ever given also probably not going to be great first time around this guy's probably also not giving you any sort of feedback or communication he's probably just sitting there being like this blow job sucks and getting frustrated and was just like now i'm gonna fuck you and then tell you to leave like there's no again we try not to put a whole lot of pressure on the idea of of losing your virginity, because virginity, as we always say, is a societal construct. But at the end of the day, it is also an activity that you've never done. So it'd be like walking onto a baseball field

and then walking into a fucking game against the Yankees and being like, man, this sucks. Does baseball always suck this bad? Yeah, for sure. I didn't enjoy myself at all. That sucked. It's like, yeah, of course. You're just inherently good at sex. You're not born with blowjob instincts. You're doing it for the first time. You're nervous. Of course, it's not going to be great. It is good when you're on the same page and there's communication and care and all the things we've talked about. Because again, we've also talked about virginity before. You're inexperienced.

Of course it can be bad. You didn't feel like the blowjob went well. I'm going to trust you on this one. Because again, if it's your first time, it probably wasn't great. You're also done in your head after that. So that's going to be bad. And to top it all off, the guy doesn't sound great. So yes, it is a perfect recipe for a bad time is it always going to be like that not at all yeah i do want to jump in and say that like niall and i aren't perpetuating the myth that your first time isn't enjoyable no that's not that's not what we're saying what we're saying is in this scenario you have you do not the odds are so stacked against you to having a good time whether

it's your first time or any time it just doesn't like you don't have the the benefits of what makes sex good or fun it doesn't seem like this guy gave a shit about you one way or the other you were awkward you were uncomfortable you're inexperienced you were insecure whatever like all those things pool together to make a not great experience regardless of whether you're a virgin or not so i don't want i don't want people to think that like we're saying or still sort of reinforcing that idea of being like oh don't worry your first time always sucks it's like no that's that's not the case it doesn't help anyone no and we've definitely talked about that before and that's like the bad part is that we have discussed these before. So it's like,

I don't really want to have the same conversation we had before, but that's definitely not it. And the best part is we're not even hypothesizing. We know it was a bad time because she told us, I'm just pointing out the reasons why. Yeah. So like, it's not going to feel like that all the time.

Hopefully now that you won't like now that it's over, because I know a lot of people can be very in their own head because of virginity and virginity gets built up so much that like, hopefully that's a weight off your shoulders now that that's gone. And hopefully with your next partner, they will be somebody who is, you know, more experienced and is more caring and is a better lover. And hey, you now have a baseline of what sex of what you don't want right you now have a level of being like hey this is that sex isn't the sex i want to have so now you can start focusing on things that like you know you don't want and they're i'm reframing it into how do i get it how do i get better sex and

a lot of it might come down to getting to know someone a little bit more before hooking up with them being a little bit more communicative letting people know about your experience and letting people know that like hey i haven't slept with a whole lot of people i'm i'm kind of figuring out as i go and like uh you know see if someone is willing to or or at least letting people know so that if if someone said that to me i wouldn't my expectations would be tempered and i would base my my experience and my expectations of them and i would then also be a little bit more forgiving if the blow job wasn't great i would try to either give tips or just be like, okay, let's do something

else. You know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't just sit and suffer through a bad blowjob and then get all pissy about it. And communication is key. So feel free to be like, what do you want me to do? Because one, that's hot. And two, it's helpful for you. And on top of that, don't be afraid to

ask them to do X, Y, or Z. Right? Like, if you want them to rub your clit while they're fucking you, say that. If you want them to grab your boobs, say that. If you want to finger, like rub your own clit while you're like, you know, you mentioned earlier, did I not enjoy it? Cause I didn't do much. Do what you want. Get involved. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Don't be afraid to ask what you can do better yeah yeah absolutely that's it that's how you be a better lover look if someone ever told me and they were like oh no one's ever gone down on me before i'd be so excited oh yeah no like i would i would be i'd be like oh oh this

is this is too good this is too good to be true right now i'm so excited one i that sucks i'm sorry well yeah that's the thing it's like we talk a lot about how guys really need to step up their game and we all know it everyone knows it the sad part is the fact that guys haven't been is so good for the guys that do or are because you're just a different world and like when someone's like oh i don't i don't like when people go down on me it doesn't feel good and i I'm like, when they're like, you can try it, but I'm like, this is going to be great for both of us. I love it. All right, ready for another one?

Yeah. This is Content Raven 1. I, 34-year-old male, was just told by my partner, 34-year-old female, that I need to read a book after 16 years of sex. I'm sad she feels this way the entire time, and I'm humiliated slash embarrassed at myself. Background. Partner and I have been together for 16 years. We met when we were 18 and have been together ever since. We don't have children, but we've gone through everything together. Moving across the country, buying our first house, etc. We do everything together. I love her and love spending time with her. We've only ever been sexually intimate with each other. We have not had other partners. We usually have sex two to four times a month. I'm almost always the initiator. This has always bothered me. If she doesn't feel

like it, I ask, what is wrong? The answer is usually, I am too tired. I am thinking stressed about other things or some other variation. I always just accept these answers and think to myself, okay, that's fine. There's always next time. Whenever we do get it going after some foreplay, et cetera, normally we both climax. Sometimes I will ruin the mood, which stops everything dead, by doing something stupid like going home base too quickly because I get too excited. I ask what I did wrong, she tells me, and I take note for next time. Tonight, though, we go to bed like normal and I start falling asleep. She said she's cold and wants cuddles. I think to myself, this is one of those rare unicorn events. Let's do this.

I turn around and spoon her and start the usual caressing the thighs slash top of the breasts, etc. I get too carried away and excited and went right for it. I fucked up. She aborts abruptly. I ask to talk about it and she says I was too fast. I acknowledge this. She thought I was being defensive. Then her tone changed and she said, you should read the book.

I was blown away by this and I asked if she thought this the entire time. She said, yeah. I'm sad you have not taken the initiative and done some research. I said that whenever there was a problem, I asked what was wrong and made a note of it so I didn't think about doing research. I tried to explain where my thought process was coming from and told her I wish she'd communicate this earlier on. I was told I need to grow up and I should have known and taken initiative. Usually arguments about everything end this way with us. It is always, I shouldn't need to tell you, you should have just known, grow up. If this is about doing

the dishes more often or laundry more often or something else that's bothering her, I agree with her and just do it. I try to be conscious about doing it more often. For some reason, this comment really hurt because I know she said she had to tell me, I'm embarrassed she had to tell me, and I'm frustrated she didn't tell me earlier. If I tell her this though, the conversation is shut down and she says she shouldn't have to and I need to grow up. How do I handle this situation? The tone she used made me really feel she's disgusted with me. I feel like she'll always be this way even if I do read a book. When I try and explain how I feel, I'm told I'm being defensive and she won't talk it out with me and she ends up saying you should have taken initiative. I feel like I'm

in a lose-lose situation here and do not know what to do okay you seem to be contradicting yourself a lot in this question where you keep saying like oh she tells me these things but i'm just supposed to know but i make a note of them but then i keep doing them right yeah he very specifically at the start is like sometimes i go to home base too quickly like what's the exact term i think he says he makes an accident oh i ruined by doing something silly by going to home base too quickly because i get too excited and guess what happens here that exact thing it's like are you an a dog are you an animal like do you just like oh oh god i'm just gonna shove it in like what what are you doing dude i'm like i guess that kind of like there's something to be said about moments of of passion where you both are really turned on and you just kind of fuck like

that's great that's a good thing but it seems like she's clear this is not it yes yeah so i i just don't want to talk in absolutes of being again like being like you should never just go for sex because like that could be hot sometimes and if the mood calls for it and the the occasion calls for it it could be really great to just be like you know getting ready to go out and then next thing you know you guys are you know the skirts up and the pants are down you guys are just fucking on the kitchen counter right the best and the thing is after 16 years you should know when that time is yeah i mean like it also seems there's a lot going on here i'm not gonna say that this guy is faultless like the fact that after 16 years you're the only one who instigates sex is you yes that that seems to be a problem that seems to be something that you need to address

and it seems to probably contribute to you know you getting too excited and and forgetting foreplay i guess or whatever so like there's a lot of stuff that both of you need to fucking work on. On the flip side, it's like, if this is your idea of sex, it seems very self-serving. It seems to be just about you. Especially when, even in this case, it's like she didn't ask for sex. Well, it does say that they both climax, though. So, like, it seems like...

Do they, though? I mean, I don't know. I'm going by what this man's saying. Yeah, I'm just a little hesitant to believe that, considering it seems like he has no idea what he's doing and doesn't seem to care in a way. He also says he cares. So there's that contradiction.

Yes, I think at the end of the day, what the real issue here is, you're a lot of talk and not a lot of action or not a lot of follow through, right? If the conversation has been had of being like, Hey, you need to do the dishes more. And then she gets angry and you're like,

yes, absolutely. I understand. I've made a note of that. Thank you for telling me. And then you don't do the dishes more often. Then you haven't made a note of it. And she shouldn't have to tell you because you've already had the

conversation. And it's not like you're supposed to fucking you know read her mind and be like oh what is she upset about it's like no you guys had a problem you talked about it she told you like hey i don't want to do the dishes all the time i don't want to be the only one doing the dishes it would be nice if you helped out do the dishes and then you just never do it it's not a matter of like oh what's she mad about now? How could I ever know? It's like, it's a rolling fucking ball that keeps getting bigger of all the things that you're like, I've made a mental note about this. And then don't do anything about it.

And especially like if they are simple things like, you know, doing the dishes and taking the garbage out and foreplay. Like I can understand the frustration and her telling you to grow up because none of these are secrets. None of these are things she should be the one to teach you because they're all pretty basic. Yeah. So, I mean, like if your wife has said, hey, I don't like it when we go straight from zero to a hundred, I prefer a little bit more foreplay or i require more foreplay to enjoy sex and you just kind of gloss over that like it's your fault man you you fucked up it just is plain and simple

performing over and over again that you don't care about their comfort or enjoyment or pleasure because like if you go for it too fast to the point where she's immediately aborting sex, you might've hurt them. It upsets me to think that this has happened multiple times. And like, look, we're also getting it from just one side of things, right? Like we don't know the whole, we don't know the whole dynamic of the sexual relationship. For all we know, she could be an abusive partner who like gaslights you on all kinds of you know what i mean but it's like i will say like there are a lot of issues about the fact that she's shutting down the conversation telling you to grow up which is

very infantilizing and not fair especially if it's like again i could see why she's saying it if you've had this conversation 19 times but if it's just like her go-to for anything that you do wrong, not great. So there is a lot of complexity to every question. Unfortunately, we're never going to get the whole answer. I think it's very clear a few things. One, stop the thing you're doing that you seem to do all the time. That's an easy one. And we shouldn't have to tell you that because she has told you.

Two. That's the thing. If you're doing a thing that they've told you not to do repeatedly and that you've clocked yourself that you know she doesn't like don't do it anymore yeah like it's not like oopsies like you've been with this person for fucking 16 years if you can't tell when they're ready to fucking go you do need to read a book and pay more attention secondly what, what's wrong with reading a book? I'm always trying to get better at sex, no matter what. It's like you always should be.

You don't just reach a point and you're like, that's it. You should always be trying to do things better, like adjust to your partner, make things more exciting, etc. Here's where I diverge a little bit from yelling at this man. Telling someone to read a book doesn't mean fucking anything. Right. Being like, you should do more research on what I could read. I could read five different books about sex and come up with five different things that this person might not like either. No, for sure. For sure. For sure. I think the fact that they're saying that probably stems from not like,

oh, you're not doing specific things that I want. And more like you're doing everything so wrong, you need to start from the start. But I think, so my point with this is your partner, if you're just looking to like brush up new techniques and like expand your worldview, yeah, great, read a book. But if you're trying to zero in on the relationship you've been on for 16 years, the only way that's getting better is through actually talking about it, which she seems to not want to do outside of like the, the surface level of like this. I don't like that.

You know, it's like, okay, great. You, you don't like going from zero to a hundred. Cool. Like, did we talk about foreplay techniques? Did we talk about nonverbal consent? Have we talked about things that like you do need as opposed to just being like, that's not it.

Nope. That's not it. Like, cause that's not helpful. And then when, if, if he is being like, Hey,

what do I need to do? And you're like, you should just know, read a book, grow up. That's not helpful. That doesn't help anyone in any scenario ever. And that's what I was going to end with is that communication. We said it before. We'll say it

again. You guys don't have it. It doesn't seem to say that you talk to her about the fact that you only initiate. You obviously are bothered by that. Obviously you're not having enough sex. Talk about that. I understand she's shutting you down and that could either be, it's not great. It's never great. But if it's just that she's had this conversation with you 19 times and you haven't listened, yes, I can understand where she's coming from. If it isn't the case, maybe you guys just shouldn't be together. You've been together since you were children. If you can't talk, your relationship doesn't sound great. So you really need to talk. If it is stuff that you are not doing in bed with her you need to like communicate about that she needs to tell you specifically where and why you can improve

because as dane said there's not a book with a chapter on fucking you know kira it's not like oh this is what kira likes everyone's fucking different if you're beefing the basic shit though yeah of course she has a right to be annoyed it's been 16 years yeah honestly it sounds like you guys might benefit from like a sex counselor you know because like look being together for 16 years is incredible keeping a sexual chemistry going for 16 years very difficult it's not uncommon that after a relationship of this length that the sexual tension and sexual chemistry and everything dwindles a little bit. And, you know, sex becomes a less important part or less focused part of a relationship. So if it is important to both of you, it might be worth talking to someone who has the tools and the backup for

you in the situation of being like told to grow up or whatever. Like if you're trying to have a conversation and that's all you're getting, then you're not going to make any progress. But if you're somewhere where someone can be like, Hey Kira, that's not useful. Rephrase it. Like let's talk about it as opposed to getting defensive or shutting down or stopping the conversation.

Like it might be helpful to have someone in, in as a neutral position, either calling you out on your bullshit and egging her on to be more specific with what she's looking for. Yeah, that's the thing. If she won't have this conversation with you at home and you're not putting in enough effort, this is a good way for you to put in effort. And then you guys have to talk. And that's the thing. It's like it's not a book, but you being like, hi, I'm so invested in this and I've taken what you've said to heart so much so that i would like to see a professional that can help us work through

this and i also think better than a book oh for sure i think another issue might be here that like again your partner said she was cold and wanted to cuddle and not only did you ignore that you then tried to fuck her in a way she specifically told you she doesn't want. So it's like even if you were having good sex. You ignoring what she asked for and wanted is still kind of shit. Unless that is like establishing their relationship that like that means sex. You know what I mean? Like that could be. Maybe.

Maybe it is. It might not have been. I don't know. So it may be just like if you can't give your partner any kind of physical intimacy without trying to fuck them. Maybe that's an issue too. So I just you guys have so much to work on that you really need to communicate. You really need to move forward in a positive way because none of this is good. Yeah.

And also fuck the embarrassment. Like you say, oh, you're embarrassed and you think she'll never look at you again, even if you do put the effort in. That's an insane way to look at things. You know, I understand. That's how you truly feel. Then your relationship is done. That's the thing, right? It's like it almost feels like this is a way out for you.

Like, oh, well, she's always going to feel this way. So even if I do it, there's no point. No, like that's maybe she didn't communicate it in the best way. Obviously not. but at the same time your partner has told you what they want what they need there is an issue here and it's like you can't just be like she'll never get over it if that's the case break up if it's not the case put in the work deal with your embarrassment get over it it sucks it's hard but like at least now you know because it'd be worse to not know yeah that's another thing there's a lot here yes uh at the end

of the episode we like to pop on to social media and online dating platforms such as tinder bumble hinge in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable by looking through profiles combing them for red flags seeing what works and doesn't work so this is one that i interacted with on reddit uh it was a person was like, basically had a post saying that they were a very attractive tall man who could not seem to get Tinder matches. I didn't get a chance to see their actual photos and whatnot, but because of the segment, because the main things that we have discussed on here, I asked them what their bio was and they said they didn't have one because they didn't think it mattered. They also said they used to have one. They sent that to me and we're going to review that.

I have a dog that's a spaz, a job where I get free sushi, and a laugh like Seth Rogen. That's it? Yep. I think it's a good profile. It's okay. We can pick it apart and be real fucking laser focused on because this is a person that we've interacted with. But I

think if we got this on just the regular feed of things that we get i think it would i think it's going to rate higher than what we're actually going to give it now i think we're going to be a lot harder on it because of because of the circumstances i think this is a seven i think you've got like do you have your hobbies and shit no but i don't necessarily think anyone really cares too much about it despite the fact that we do talk about like you know oh we want to know a little bit more about you i think if we could extend the list to like two more things that are a little more tailored to to who you are i think you'd have a

really solid profile i think you show uh you know you've got dog everyone loves dogs great hopefully you have a picture of him on your profile that's a like easy win i think the seth rogan laugh is funny i think you know there might be some people who are like that's unattractive but fuck them that's your laugh what are you gonna do about it lace let them know early on right and to the sushi thing like i think it's playful and it also opens up the thing of being like what is your job that you get free sushi because i can think of a bunch of different places i assume it's just working at a sushi restaurant or maybe he's like a works out like an airport or something oh you know what he's a doordash delivery driver he eats everyone's order yeah uh i honestly yeah i would definitely

add stuff about your personality i would also maybe not use the term spaz for your dog that's true i would you know i think if like a dog that's a goof or something is a lot more positive and like there's less chance of like you seeming like you actually don't like your, you know what I mean? Like, I just feel like you'd be a little bit better there. And I think like if you were like, oh, I can get you free sushi. That's a little bit more inviting than a job where I get free sushi. You know what I mean?

Just a little twist. Because as you said, we're nitpicking now because we've interacted with this person. It is generally a decent profile. And I think if you just did those little, little changes, it'd be great. Yeah. What I would suggest would, I would say like what you do

is you put in something that you enjoy doing, being like, you know, or what you're looking for, being like looking for someone to share this free sushi with and watch House of the Dragon or whatever you're into. You know what I mean? Like give them something or like, you know, are being like looking for someone to share this free sushi with and watch house of the dragon or whatever you're into you know i mean like give you give them something or like you know eat sushi

while we hike to the top of a mountain even though i don't think sushi is the most travelable food but you know like something like that of some sort of idea of like what you're into outside of a dating app and i think you'd be i think you'd be swimming. The fact that you are so attractive and tall, maybe people are either one, intimidated, two, think you're a douchebag, or three, think you're a bot, right? So it's like a bio goes a long way towards dispelling those things. So I think it is actually pretty important. So I'm not going to bring a specific profile, but I'm going to talk about Facebook dating for a second. Oh, yeah. I gave you the quest to join facebook

dating yeah and it's a nightmare it's bad it's a bad scene guys and like maybe that's just for who i am and what i'm looking for currently but everyone on it is hyper focused on religion and i don't know if this is what i'm being sent but like the ones i'm seeing like the the commonality the the common thread i'm seeing is like looking for a good Christian man. I value loyalty, honesty. I'm looking for a reason to delete this app. I'm looking for a mature, genuine connection. And it's like, those aren't bad things to look, right?

I mean, other than the Christian thing, I think, you know, we getting hung up on religion can be dangerous and i'm not a fan of but it's like it's so it's like someone just took the most cliche tired say nothing profiles and put them all on one place like every profile i could look through 50 of them and then you could try to like get me to match profile to picture and be like they're all the same you could put literally any of these profiles on any of these profiles on any of those pictures and you would have the exact same result so i don't know if it's just because of the people who think that you know because they're on facebook it's not bad to be on facebook dating and who would then also like kind of poo poo tinder and bumble and hinge because they're dating apps yeah maybe i don't know i don't know what it is but the the scene there at least what

i'm being shown is uh is very boring it's a very boring dating app i didn't see a single profile that i was like that's not true there was a there were a few standouts that i've matched with but for the most part i was just like oh this sucks i'm sad I thought we'd either get gems or... No, just so boring. Just absolutely boring. That good Christian girl. Well, hey, I'll put it out there. If you're a Christian man who's looking for a long-term serious relationship,

you need to get on fucking Facebook dating. Because that's your market, my man. I promise you. Thank you for listening. We love you. That's the end of the episode. If you want to support us on Patreon, we would love you even more.

Head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the Patreon link. Sign up for whatever you want. At the $7 level, you get an extra episode every month called Pillow Talk, where we do all kinds of wild and crazy shit that I think you'd really enjoy.

Also, you get all the episodes we've already recorded, which, as of this episode, or this month, I think there's going to be 16 up. That's a lot of episodes. That is, yeah. Maybe too many. Go find out and judge for yourself. Thank you Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song, Paper

Stars. And this is going to be a one-sentence bad sex writing. Ooh. Beneath the contour jewelry, her breasts lay like eager snakes. Wait. Now, hold on. I understand that bodies come in all shapes and sizes. But I would be incredibly worried if someone's breasts were shaped and or moved like snakes. Especially eager ones.

Yeah, because eager ones usually are like coiled up and like poised. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, or like, even like if it was like a sleepy snake and it was all coiled up, still wouldn't really quite get there. But I guess that's probably as close as you could get. And eager is the opposite of sleepy. Unless they're saying that the coil is the boob and the like upright snake face. I'm thinking like a cobra, you know what I mean?

When they're getting ready to like sting. And like maybe that is the nipple, the erect nipple. It's not. Hey, I think it's it's good yeah that's why it's bad sex writing my name is not true well what i'm dade miller and we've been your fuck you