F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 220 - Step Outta Your Own Ass

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

If anyone needs me, I'll be hanging with my mom for the next three weeks.  Topics include your boyfriend's cool horse friend, ex's engagement effect, kept under lock and key, how to not ask for a woman's number, get me cheating, got you cheating, not being as cool as your boyfriend's mom, a confusing text.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. And we're your fuck buddies. Okay, I like that. The late night radio host.

Well, what's actually happening is it's the opposite to most episodes because it's kind of chilly in the office and things are getting real cool. Oh, alright. I wish I had a saxophone that I could just bust out and stand on a bearskin rug and just like...

I messaged you about the saxophone earlier, man. Did you know that I used to play the saxophone in high school? I didn't, but you just became infinitely cooler. Hey, let me tell you, I was bad at it. It was also the alto saxophone, which in my opinion, I think is the sexy saxophone. That's fair. Should we continue telling people what our podcast is about?

I think they'd rather hear about my junior high band experience. sexy saxophone. That's fair. Um, should we continue telling people that our podcast about, uh, I think they'd rather hear about my junior high band experience. So they gave me winning sacks and dating advice. They gave me a broken saxophone. I feel like that's a Christmas song. You know what I mean? It's like the, the mother's shoes or whatever. And then broken saxophone.

Yeah. Either way. We're sex and dating advice podcast. As you could Yeah. Either way, we're Sex and Dating Advice Podcast as you could probably tell. Obviously. We take questions from the internet. We take them from our wonderful listeners. We answer them here. We keep things cool. We love you.

We have a Patreon. If you want to buy us a Christmas gift, there's no better way than to support us, which is really supporting you because we make more episodes. And if we hit 25 patrons, you'll get my sexy, short Christmas bad sex writing, which is atrocious. Or is it excellent?

Maybe we'll find out. I think we're going to do a Blitz episode, because I just have so many fucking questions. It's true. Niall has a backlog. He's all backed up. He's all bricked up with questions. You know, Reddit fucking gave me my stats,

and I spent 258 hours on the relationship advice Reddit alone this year. That's insane. That's like days. That can't be right. What's that? Hey, if a website on the internet said it, it's got to be true. All right, let's do it. I'm bumped within. This is by TA59002.

Friend? In every picture with my 27-year-old female boyfriend, 32-year-old male. Boyfriend competes on national circuit with horses. Means he goes out of town and travels a lot to compete. He recently went to a big national championship event, and there were photographers at the event taking lots of pictures for the event page. Some are of the competition, some are candid shots of random people, and some are parties slash auctions slash sales.

My boyfriend is well known on the circuit, so when pictures of him were posted, they'd tag him and lots of people would comment. I thought it was really cool, so I searched for all the pictures he was tagged in. There were quite a bit. It was a two-week event. But in almost all of them, there's the same woman. Many of them are posing together, arms around each other, pictures of them hugging after him beating, in pictures with each other's horses, pictures of them at parties, pictures of

him picking her up or her on his back, and several pictures of them at a very formal event, posing like they were on a date, sitting next to each other at dinner. Pick was just the two of them. There are other people in some of the pictures, but she's the only one who stands out in the vast majority. When I asked, he said it was someone he knows from the industry. I asked why I had not met her, and he said she lives in another state, so he only sees her a few times a year. I asked specifically about the pictures that look like a date. He said it was an awards event they went to together because they used to ride for the same barn. I jumped on Facebook and stalked her page, and there are posts with pictures of my boyfriend or mentions of boyfriend from every

single day he'd been out of town. He has tagged in almost every one of her posts, including a selfie of him kissing her cheek and the caption, it's been way too long, reunited, with literally over 200 likes and a ton of comments saying, love you guys, too sweet, two of the best, and you guys are a great team. Any posts with pictures of them are full of hearts and hug reacts and comments that really make it seem they are a well-known couple. But a few months back, he changed his relationship status to in relationship with me and a ton of people on his page congratulated him. When I i asked more questions he told me all these posts have always

been there for me to see he's never hidden anything and if i scroll back this is what they do every year at this event i have heard her name a few times but he didn't make it sound like they had this kind of relationship do you think it's possible they actually are friends and not something more? I think... I love... Hmm. I love how that's the thing and not like, you know, I'm insecure. And, you know, do you think that there could be something going on? It's like, no, you've made up your mind. There is something going on.

Is there a chance that it's just friendship? Like, literally, no red flags here. Not literally no red flags here not a single red flag not a single there isn't like he didn't try to hide it at no point in time has he tried to hide it all of his answers check out of being like yeah i know her i only see her a couple times and she's not going to come into town just to meet you we're not that close and it's like if you go out of state and there's one person that you know of course you're going to spend all your time with it yeah or with like it seems like not only a business but also a personal relationship so yeah you're definitely going to be in the pictures with the person

for those two reasons independently let alone together and okay you get invited to an awards ceremony fancy thing you know one person there are you gonna be like oh sorry you probably don't even have the choice of seats maybe but again like if i was going to a fancy dinner event i wouldn't be like hey you know what i want to do sit at a table where i don't know anybody when there is actually one person that i really do enjoy and just be like nope i'm not going to sit with them yeah okay why there isn't even like tangential red flags you know what i mean like oh he never like years ago he never decided to make me facebook official so you know where we could be like look some people aren't into that

or it's not a big deal but i can understand blah blah blah he literally has you on his profile people congratulate him you are a known entity this person is a friend like people are like oh you guys are a great team that's that's just that's the other thing is there's no like it's not like there's a bunch of comments like i would get feeling uncomfortable it was like what a cute couple you guys make a great couple you're so adorable together you guys would have adorable babies like if there was those kind of comments even though they are from like third parties that have nothing to do with it and they probably don't know the dynamics of your relationship you know i would understand feeling like a little insecure you know i wouldn't

want to hear comments like that being made about my partner with someone who's i assume an attractive person um so like sure but like all they're saying is like reaffirming everything he's saying. And also the fact that they aren't lovey dovey, just, you know, coworkers. How wildly dumb would it be to be like, yep, I'm cheating.

And there's this like slew of photos that pop up like law. Like it again, the fact that it's so open makes it very unlikely that they are in fact cheating. Cause that would be really dumb. So look, the, the end of

the story is you either have to trust your partner as we say a thousand times because if you don't trust them then you shouldn't date them and two you need to understand that like this is all your issue right and and it's great that he has accommodated you by calmly and you know compassionately explaining the situation and being like no that's not's not the case. Here's this, here's that, here's this, here's that. You know, he didn't get angry. He didn't get defensive. He didn't accuse you of snooping. You asked him questions and he answered them. And they all seem to be answers that can check out and that you can research. This is your insecurity that is making you spiral. So you need to deal with that. It is not his, his prerogative now to fix this for you.

Yes. A hundred percent. And like, you'd be messing with not only his career, but also his personal life. And neither of those should you do now you're ready for a comment dive. Oh no. The kissing on the cheek pick is sus to me.

Like, no, get over it. She's like, I think he has an emotional relationship with hers is on the road wife says the original poster that's like okay that's called having a friendship it's friends um then other people are like if my husband oh sorry the kissing on the cheek picture after you two are confirmed in relationship makes it obvious he's cheating what obvious it no does he text her

or something i gotta say seems like he's hiding something. He says they talk a lot about horses and stuff. Yeah. Like, yeah. Specifically, the, like, core of their relationship. And she apparently asked if, or he offered to come meet her at an event in February. So, like, again, where's the sus? No sus. You need to rein in your massive

insecurity and just let your cool horse boyfriend do his horse thing with his friend. Yeah, he's jumping through hoops to make you okay with this. That's not what horses do, but it's close. No, they don't jump over hoops. They should. Really big hoops. Horse hooping. Uh, I refer to question two.

Mm-hmm. This is by ObviousDycon8765. How do I respond when my girlfriend is sad because her I refer to question two. was like 26. As far as I know, they broke up because they were not on the same page about their future. She wanted to make it official while he was happy with the status quo, and eventually they split. She told me she started therapy after the breakup and didn't date for a year, but all that seemed to have gone out the window now. She was surprised when a mutual friend told her he was getting married and she stalked his social media. Now she's been sad for almost a week. The fuck's going on? I think she never really got over the breakup, and that's why it hit her very hard. Because in some corner of her brain, she was hoping to get back together with him, and that news trashed all her dreams. Am I off the mark here? I asked her to hang out, and she said she's not feeling well and will stay in bed today.

Help me out, Reddit. I'm a little lost on how to approach this. It's a wild assumption that, like, you think that she's going, she wanted to get back together with him. I think what's really happening here is probably the fact that they broke up because he didn't want to get married. And then hearing that the person who didn't want to marry you is getting married to someone else pretty quickly after the breakup. If they like, you know, presumably like two years ish can be troubling. It can be hard to handle of being like, you know, you get hit with that insecurity of being like, why wasn't I good enough? Right. Regardless of whether you're with someone and no matter how you feel about the person you're with, there is always like,

I don't fault this person for feeling a little bad about being like, cool. I was with this person for almost 10 years, nine years, and I wanted to get married and they had absolutely no interest, but they found someone and spent less than two years with them and wanted to marry them. What's wrong with me? That's the most logical answer that I went to too. And it fucking sucks that you instead have gone to, not you, Dane, but this person, to be like, oh, they wanted to break up with me and get back with me. Like, no. Like, why would you think that? And the thing is, if you haven't talked to them as well, you don't know if maybe the girl is

someone they were close with. So there's like that kind of betrayal, or maybe the fear that their relationship was going on longer, or like, you know, you don't know who the person is, you don't know, kind of anything about the situation, because you haven't talked to them yet. You should be empathetic and care about your partner being hurt instead of taking this as a moment to be insecure. And look, I get it. You can also be insecure because at the same time, you know, the flip side of the coin is someone's ex is now strongly emotionally impacting your relationship, which can can be a triggering thing of being like, oh, maybe you still have feelings for them right like that's that's a fair thing to assume or to worry about for sure but as now said you need to sit

down and be like hey i've noticed that since you heard about your ex getting married you've been really upset and if you want to talk about it i like i feel like this is important for us to address and talk about because otherwise i'm going to start assuming the worst. And that's not fair to you because I don't know how you feel. So let's talk about it. Let's see how you feel. I want to know why it's bothering you so much. And depending on how that conversation goes, you can raise up your insecurities and your

feelings as well. Be like, cool. Like when you got this upset about it, I couldn't help but to feel like maybe you still had feelings for him and like actually have an emotional mature conversation about this instead of jumping to a conclusion digging your heels in and then not like okay you've gone to you know you've asked the question to a bunch of strangers who don't know your situation are you then going to take their advice as gospel like no you need to talk to your partner. That's the only person who can ever answer these questions.

Yeah. And like, it is, it is understandable for them to be upset. Look at it from their point of view. And again, this isn't about their ex. It's probably just about them. So be there for your partner. And like, when you have this conversation, don't go into it with like a, oh no, no, you like him.

Oh, so you like him now, you know, like don't't be combative don't let your insecurity get the best of you just be there for someone because they're hurt yeah you presumably like them quite a lot or love them you know whatever step out of your own ass for one second step out of your own ass i feel like it fits it does i love it Yeah. You need to approach this conversation as from a place of compassion, empathy, and the goal should be to understand your partner's feelings, right? It shouldn't be to make them feel bad about them.

It shouldn't be to guilt trip them or accuse them. It should be like, Hey, you don't feel good. And I want to help with this. I don't necessarily want to fix it, but I want to be a part of the solution and not a part of the exacerbating problem.

And hey, if worse comes to worse and they're like, you know what? Yeah, I did have feelings for him and I'm realizing that now. It's still better for you to know that. If they're like, yeah, I realize I want to be with this person or not with you or whatever. Yeah, that sucks. But what sucks more is to not find that out for another month or year or whatever just fucking talk to them are you ready

yeah actually you know what i want to throw in and i think what you just said i think is the reason why so many people don't have these conversations because it's you know it's kind of like schrodinger's box in the sense of like hey if we don't have this conversation, right now it could be good or bad, and if we have this conversation, I might open the box and it could be bad. Right? So it's like the same reason why a lot of people don't go to the doctor when they're worried about

something, right? Because like, you don't go to the doctor because it's like, oh, if I go and I find out I have cancer, then I have cancer. It's like, well, I hate to break it to you, but just because it's not diagnosed doesn't mean you don't have it. Exactly. And I think a lot of people – Once it's diagnosed, you can actually work on combating, stopping,

alleviating, et cetera, as opposed to just being like, well, I guess we'll see what happens. And I think a lot of people don't have those conversations, those hard conversations, because they're worried about what the diagnosis is going to be. And, hey, I get it. I've done that. There have been hard conversations I've put off because, you know, status quo is fine. But when you have them, it's always better,

no matter which way it goes. Okay, this is by Belianocci1. My female 24 boyfriend, male 23, locks his bedroom when we sleep together and keeps the key. So as you can read in my title, my boyfriend of two years, out of nowhere, started to first lock his bedroom when we sleep together, and now keeps the key with him, hides it under his pillow. He says the reason is because he wants to wake up with me when I wake up in the night to check my blood sugar, because I have type 1 diabetes, but I really don't need him to be awake, because I can totally care for myself since it's been 10 years since I had this health issue. The thing that really creeping me out is the fact I have an anxiety disorder and him locking and keeping the key makes me feel very anxious because I keep thinking that I can feel sick and I'm stuck in that room. I told him that he says he doesn't care that he wants to be near me and wake up when I wake up. How can I explain to him that I don't need his help? The question should

be, how do I make sure I don't get locked in this room forever when I leave him? Yep. I'm sorry. The second you tell someone, hey, I have a disorder. I get really anxious when you lock me in this room. I don't care. I want this. Yeah.

You don't need any other explanation or reveal to realize that this person does not care about you. Also, what if you need to piss? Oh, yeah. This is absolute insanity. like reveal to realize that this person does not care about you. Also like, what if you need to piss? Oh yeah. This is absolute and sad. I would laugh my way out of the fucking room. If someone even suggested doing this, I'd be like,

what are you doing? No, you're not locking the door. What if I wake up and I'm like, really need to piss. Like, fuck you. Also,

the reasoning doesn't even track. I have to lock the door so that you wake me up when you wake up it's like i could just wake you up without the door being locked also do i want you awake like do you want them awake why why does the door have to be locked it's none of this tracks none of this makes sense and it's not good and this is like weird controlling bullshit fuck this yeah yeah no this is bad like again just the fact that you've explained like anytime someone says i don't care which i think was his answer to like oh i have an anxiety disorder i don't care i want to be close to you okay bad bad news terrible it would be like having a shellfish

allergy and him being like oh i don't care i really want to make you this fucking lobster dinner it's like yeah it's just kind of like weird to like tie her medical needs to him. Like he really has to give you permission to treat the condition you have because he's the one letting you out of the fucking room to do it. Like it's absolutely bizarre and fucked dump this person when the door is unlocked. This is the thing. It's like, okay, you wake up and you, you don't even need to test. Maybe you just feel that you have low blood sugar and you need to get a snack.

And he's just like, no, I want, I don't care. Sorry. I want you to stay in bed with me. Right? Like, what are you going to do? Fight this guy for the key now? Yeah. It's so bad.

You have two issues, two medical and mental issues that require you to be able to move around and get out of this room and he is not letting you do either of them because of his own personal preference, control like whatever he's up to leave him, you got it and the thing is, even if you didn't have those issues this would be fucked, we thought it was even more

fucked, so like just there's no redeeming this, this is a bizarre creepy red flag if i've ever fucking seen one don't think they live together yes okay they do live together it just says lock his bedroom when we sleep together so maybe because it's his bedroom that's what i'm thinking it's there it's like i my stance is like okay cool this is how he's being when you're not living together like are you all of a sudden not going to get a house key and the only time you can leave and lock the door is when he's with you

like there's this this problem is only going to get worse this is the kind of guy who's like oh we'll do a joint account that i only have access to so i can help you save because you're bad with money and like you just have to ask me don't worry i'll always give it to you but then the second you guys get in an argument you don't have your cows keys you can't leave he's taking your phone because you're on his plan and then you're completely cut off and under his control yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah get out of here this is garbage this guy sucks there's no reason or excuse beyond what he's doing gtf oh gtf get the fuck get the fuck uh this is by Krugit of Linres why do I have to wait to text a woman

I 25 year old male am very new to the dating game having finally worked on my own inferiority complex and confidence I don't understand why I have to wait to text why do I have to play this strange mind game shouldn't my enthusiasm be a positive and not a negative that I'm not wasting my time and trying to go after I want

PS this is a post about after asking a girl for her number i texted her that night and made her lose interest i've been stewing over it for a while okay i don't think you do have to wait that's that's an old thing and i think it's something we need to work on together as a society and with people giving advice waiting to text people is dumb and we need to get over the the idea of like you know it used to be you got to wait three days before you call her again. Back in the day, we live in an age of instant technology. We live in an age of instant communication. So thinking that you have to wait is dumb.

And if you want to message someone and we've talked about this a thousand times, if you want to message someone and they get weird by the way that you want to communicate, then it's not going to work because you've already shown like a communication incompatibility. Not to say that spending 25 messages every hour unanswered. Like, you know, I don't want to give people carte blanche to just be like, oh, yeah, they said do what we want. Be enthusiastic. thing like i don't want to give people carte blanche to just be like oh yeah they said do what we want be enthusiastic it's like there is obviously a level of enthusiasm that's like creepy or overbearing you gotta use your best judgment i can't lay them all out for you but you know what i mean it's the same thing as like saying oh i love you after one date fucking insane don't do that right if you send someone nine messages and you just met them they're probably going to be like okay this is weird so you don't

have carte blanche do whatever you want but there's a reasonable kind of fucking middle ground and these kind of things is it's hard to say because i don't know what you sent right like if i get a phone number the first thing i usually send is like hey it's dang right just just so you have my number as well presumably you gave me yours so now you have mine and usually there's a little bit of a conversation after that being like you know whatever but if your first thing is like you know you ask them out and you'll be like hey cool can i get your number you get the number and then you're like want to see my dick sure that's not gonna work or if you say something weird like i don't know i don't know what you've said i don't know what the conversation's like i

don't the parameters of the you want some context right here oh i'd love it so in the comments people have been asking uh and effectively he saw her on the street walked up and said hey could i maybe get your number she gave it to him and he texted her asking if she wanted to go on a date which okay like i think we could talk about that for a second because cold approaching it's kind of shitty like i don't think most women actually enjoy that at all and if you're kind of on the spot and someone's talking to you and you give them your number that doesn't mean you're interested so it's maybe not that they lost interested firstly or lost interest because they might not have had it which is no criticism of you but it's not, I don't think the best way

to approach people. And secondly, to just be like, Hey, I'll go for a date. It's like, you've skipped so many steps. You never got to talk to them. You never got to know them. You just approached them on the street and now you're like, go for a date. Like that's not it. Yeah. Okay. That, that explains a lot because if this was something like Tinder or Bumble or whatever, and you've matched, then you know that there is a romantic interest, right? They have matched with you on a dating site. You know that there is some sort of something there that they have said yes

to. If you go and get a number off the street, they might just be doing it because they don't know if you're going to be crazy. If they say no. Yeah. So there isn't like, unless again,

unless you had like a really cool 30 minute chat and you guys really hit it off, then okay, sure. Maybe. But if you literally talk to her for five minutes tops just to get her number, don't be like, yeah, it doesn't really mean anything. You need to temper your expectations. If you are just going to approach a bunch of women on the street because you think they're cute get their number you need to assume that most of them

don't actually want to give you their number they're doing it because they don't know how you're going to respond especially if you're a bigger dude okay you know what you want more i'm getting more details as we go down i I love it. She was working at the time. Okay. So not also that you're just adding more shit. And the exact text he sent was, hi, this is name. I asked you your number earlier. I would be very interested in dinner this weekend if you are up for it.

And she never replied. And then he found her in work again and was like, sorry, I blew up your phone. And she was like, Oh, not interested. So like, and I will say one more snippet. They say, I haven't asked a girl for a number since I was

a freshman. My crush said, ew, it shattered my self image for over 10 years. I'm just finally getting out of my shell now. This is an experience I think I have done well, not letting it destroy my sense of self again. Oh, I thought it said the opposite. Okay, great. Good for you. But at the same time, you did a bad job. You pretty much went down a checklist of all the things you shouldn't do to ask someone their number one you're cold approached two you got them while they were working and three there's no reason to assume that they wanted to talk with you right and then you go and find them again at work that's fucking crazy that's so scary yeah that's not cool this poor person's probably like oh jesus fuck that guy and then you came right up and we're like hmm like and also you skipped to just like let's have a date it's like you barely fucking

talked presumably yeah and even if you did talk when you asked for her number initially one yeah but she was also working. So like that's already you're losing points no matter how good your fucking conversation is. But two, if you did get on that well open up with something about that. Don't be like date because it's almost like you're just trying to get through all the shit as much as possible. It's like she doesn't matter. Her being yours does, you know? Yeah, this is bad.

You did a bad job. I'm sorry. You dealt with this insecurity does, you know? Yeah, this is bad. You did a bad job. I'm sorry you dealt with this insecurity thing and you know, whatever, but doing approaching this way is only going to further ruin your self-esteem, I think, because you're going to find so little fucking success doing this. So you'll, you'll blame women or you'll blame somebody else i don't think you'll blame yourself and it's not even necessarily your fault most men out there tell you that this is the way to do it that's why we're here i mean immediately why do i have to wait right immediately they're shooting the blame elsewhere yeah it's not like oh i asked a woman while she

worked for her number i never responded that. That wasn't the question, right? Like, did I fuck up? Did I do the wrong thing? Is that okay? No, they don't care about that. It's, oh, why didn't this work? And then the victimization. Shouldn't my enthusiasm be a positive and not a negative?

Like, no part of your enthusiasm was bad here unless you're like i got too enthusiastic to treat someone with respect yeah in which it is a bad job yeah so maybe we're being a little harsh actually we're not but maybe it's harsh to hear but you really gotta like fucking take a step back and it's like you doing something the wrong way is never gonna go like it's not gonna go well so don't put the blame somewhere else and don't just like throw your hands up there and give up just do good and like honestly it's perhaps start on some online dating apps right and i know look we've talked about the the dangers of self-esteem that these apps have and the way that they are manufactured to make you desperate to pay for the premium services. Go in knowing that.

Go in having a good time or hell, you know, spend the fucking, I don't know what these things cost anymore, but, you know, $20 a month for a month of tinder gold, premium, whatever. Premium gold. Premium gold. And just see, just see what's out there. And don't go in being like i'm gonna find her i'm gonna get her just go in and like have a couple chats try to find your rhythm try to find

what what works for you and then you'll have a better idea of what's going on but for the love of god do not treat people at their job as a fucking dating pool They're just trying to get paid so they can pay their rent. Please have a modicum of chill. Now we got some. By a unknown person. Throwaway 556575. Boyfriend said he should get to sleep with someone because I cheated on him 11 years ago.

When my boyfriend, 35, and I, 32-year-old female, first started dating, I was 21. We were dating for three months and I, 32-year-old female, first started dating, I was 21. We were dating for three months, and I hooked up with a fuck buddy I had before my boyfriend and I started dating. We only hooked up that one time while I was in the relationship. Boyfriend found out, and we decided to try to make it work. I cut all contact with my friend with benefit, and we dated for another two months and ultimately decided it wasn't going to work out.

In hindsight, I know it was 100% my fault, and I broke his trust. We reconnected four years later when I was 25. We hit it off, we talked about our past, and decided to start seeing each other again. Our entire relationship has been monogamous since we got back together. I have never cheated on him since we got back. I thought our relationship, since being rekindled, had been very happy and healthy. We've been talking about getting married lately, and that's when I noticed he was being secretive about his phone. He would hide what he's looking at and change his passcode. I thought maybe he was planning to propose. Instead, last week, he told me what he was really doing. He said he's been talking to this girl he thinks is attractive. He said there's no emotional connection, but he wants to see where

their physical attraction would take them. And since I cheated on him when I was 21, I should give him a freebie and not get mad if he sleeps with her. He said it's only fair and that after this, we're even and we can get married and start a family. He's never thrown my cheating in the face like this since we got back together. I told him it was disrespectful. He got mad, called me a filthy cheater, and walked out, hasn't spoken to me since. What should I do with the situation? I'm scared

he's with her. How can I end this relationship because of him cheating if I did it first? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you did end the relationship because of you cheating the first time you dated. Right dated right like presumably that played a big role in you guys breaking up the first time well she says it's 100 my fault and i broke his trust which seems pretty clear yeah so hey guess what he already broke up with you because you cheated on him now what he's doing is no better the the just because he hasn't, you know, as far as you know, actually cheated on you.

Essentially going through all of the fucking steps to do that. I would say it's arguably worse. Like, we don't really know the context of the fuck buddy that she hooked up with. But on the bare facts of it, it's like they were only dating for three months at the time. So, you know, still not fucking great, but much better than 11 years and an impending marriage. And on top of that, it's like, even if you don't take that into account and you want to count both things kind of equally, you didn't try to like blackmail slash guilt slash pressure him. You know what I mean? Like what he's doing sucks.

Right. You know, we can all agree that cheating on someone is terrible. So obviously he felt bad. It was a bad thing to do to him. But now he's like, you know, we can all agree that cheating on someone is terrible. So obviously he felt bad. It was a bad thing to do to him. But now he's like, you know what? I understand that it hurt me. Now I would like to hurt you, the woman I supposedly love and want to marry because you did hurt me. I'm all about this tit for tat hurting. Like that concept to me is troubling, right? Because is there, is it always going to be like that like maybe you know one day you mess up again i don't know what but is it always going to

be like well you did this you know well you stayed out you said you're going to be home by midnight you did stay out until 2 a.m so this weekend i'm gonna do that. I'm going to do that because it's my turn to do it. Or he says, oh, my cheating didn't count as much as yours did because you knew the person. You had a previous relationship. So, you know, this one, it was just a one night stand. So I get three. That equals what you did. You know, like you can't really quantify that.

But also, this would still be shit if he had said all this and was proposing that he go out and find someone. He's already found this person and has been talking to them and is being secretive and hiding it. And then retroactively was like, oh, I mean, this is my excuse. So he's clearly just willing to fucking do it anyway. It's bad. And I think it's very clear that you guys should not be together. You know, you've tried your best and it seems like for whatever reason, either this guy's freaking out over the idea of marriage or he is just a piece of shit and has found someone

he's more interested with. And here's the question you have to ask yourself. You agree to this. Great. Are you really going to believe that this dude will sleep with this person once and then delete all contact with her? Do you really think that he's going to sleep with her once and then never think about it again or never want to do it again or never keep her in the back pocket do you really think that if you really think that then i think

it's still bad do you like obviously that's gonna suck for you and look i'm not at any point saying that you cheating was okay it's fucked we all know it is but one it was 11 years ago two there seems to have been growth and reparations and discussions and consequences and all sorts of things in the ensuing years right but like you're obviously gonna feel shitty about this and you know it's a really bad way to start a marriage and a family feeling shitty about stuff yeah you imagine just at your wedding being like god damn it and on top of that i assume this person was like hey i forgive you we're fine you don't get to say that for seven years and turn around and be like

lol jokes i don't like that's shit you know what i mean so how do you how do you trust him going forward with kind of anything this is a really good point you guys had the conversation before you started dating again that you guys have moved past this presumably seems like that's what happened so to then all of a sudden now have like because if he's gonna do it now seven years after the fact or however long he's gonna do it again i would love to know what other things he thought he was allowed to do as a result of this guilt since because that kind of entitlement i think lets you get away with some shit morally right you're like oh i can do this because she fucked me over so like this could literally just be the one time you caught him yeah i i don't like it i don't think it's a strong foundation for a relationship sure as fuck not for a marriage or a family all this when he brought it

up as a discussion and you said no he called you called you a filthy cheater, threw it in your face, got mad and walked out on you. Even that, probably not the kind of person you want to marry. And lastly, can I end this relationship because of him cheating if I did it first? I hate this. We've talked about stuff like this before. It's like you're allowed to end a relationship whenever you want for whatever reason. It's not like, oh shit, I cheated. Now I'm stuck.

God damn it. Like, it doesn't matter. He might be mad. He might call you a hypocrite who cares you're not in a relationship with him anymore yeah like there's no you know panel of judges who are like oh sorry we're revoking this you're back in the relationship like you can do what you want if you want to break up with him don't marry him yes right if if there's a part of you that's like, oh, I don't want to be with him anymore, and I feel kind of guilty and shitty about feeling that way, I guess I should marry him and have some kids with him. Yeah, just don't.

What? You know what I mean? Don't let the fact that you've spent a long time with this person ruin the rest of your life. It's a sunk cost fallacy. It's obviously harder to leave a relationship you've been in for a while, but it's going to be much harder to live a life with someone you don't like, especially when you're financially, legally, and, you know, childly tied together. So just, just don't. This is by 777cherries. Got caught with Tinder downloaded. Now I need advice.

So I'm expecting to get my ass handed to me in the comments, but quick summary. Me, a 22-year-old female and significant other, 27-year 27 year old male been together for three years living together for two last year things were rock for a period of time due to my significant other constantly hanging out i felt like i was single for months by this i mean no affection he would leave to hang out and come back at night when i'm about to sleep the two times i've went to text other people it's been due to him pretty much going mia with his mom or uncle he continuously hangs out with his mom more than me and it's odd and frustrating. Good or bad days, I had no one to talk to about it. He wouldn't even ask how my day was, like I do for him every single day. So I ended up downloading Tinder and texting

this girl, but I never met up with her or even texted more than a few messages. Long story short, this happened and I got caught texting someone, but once again, only a few messages. It was during another chunk of time that he was never home except to sleep to the next day. Now everything is good. We communicate so well. Haven't argued in months. Everything has been so smooth. Now he's talking about getting separate places, but still being together. I don't trust this. I told him if we do that, we're broken up. He's saying that since I texted people last year, the relationship has been broken and unfixable since. This was a surprise because since this happened, everything is normal and smooth, or so I thought. Of course, I did text other people, despite his blatant neglect at the time. I know cheating is never okay, but does anyone at least understand?

I never had sex with anyone else. The two times were solely texting due to pure loneliness. Am I the only one in the wrong? I mean, the whole thing sounds bad. All of this sounds bad. Who just like disappears for days on end because they're hanging out with their mom what like it doesn't matter even even if that is true even if this guy is going over and just having solid mom hangs i would be like hey like where what are you what are you doing over there and i would it's like oh we communicate so well did you ever be like hey i miss you

why don't we ever spend any time together i feel like you spend too much time away from me i would like to spend more time with like have you had that conversation because if he's like okay cool we have this conversation i understand that you're getting lonely and you feel lonely and and i might be neglecting a little bit anyway gotta go chill with my mom my mom bye maybe maybe i wasn't clear so the thing is he's spending all his time with his mom and she's really lonely at home so what she does need to do is obviously download tinder and start flirting with other people because he's with his mom all the time and like look i would also be i would also be suspicious be like are you actually being hanging with your mom like or

is that just like a safe thing to say she doesn't seem at all suspicious about this well she does she says it's like she's curious about the fucking like getting your own place thing yeah but that isn't the mom thing i i don't know i i the whole thing is bad like if like all of you have done a bad job at being a partner it's wild to me that other questions like oh this person has a work colleague that they were at an event together and they were pictures taken of them and was like could they be friends and this person's like my boyfriend spends months hanging out with his mom and not me well that's normal so like if you are upset in your relationship

the step you take is not i download tinder to flirt with people like fill the gaps to fill the gap and or punish them no that's not how it works you talk to them and if they are unwilling to change or if you guys can't work together you break up with them that's it's it's that simple you don't just be like now i'm gonna deepen the misery pool this sounds so shit for everybody you've spent a year being miserable and flirting with people on tinder to either assuage your loneliness or get back at your boyfriend who is spending all his time with his mom like and uncle and uncle and uncle it's just is he is he a porn actor and you think his mom is actually his mom when really it's a stepmom

well i mean more like maybe the actress that he works with is titled mom there's there stepmom doesn't exist anymore that's not an actual family unit when i when people say stepmom and stepsister and stepbrother those are strictly sexual entities now they're just because i refuse to live in a world where those things are now synonymous with fucking and also families. So I've just removed, there are no stepmothers, there are no stepbrothers, no stepsisters outside of porn. That's fair. Either way, did you fucking end this fucking relationship? At least you know you can find some people on Tinder.

Yeah, that's the thing. Just like stop doing toxic things to yourself and your partner. It doesn't matter if they're not great. What you need to do is be good. If they're not great, fix it or move on. Don't don't be like, cool. I'll also be shit. Why men great till they got to be great.

Don't text me hanging out with my mom. That's true. Famous Lizzo song. At the end of the day, if you're not happy in a relationship, you either take steps to fix it or you leave. Those are your only two options. You either attempt to fix it with your partner

or you leave because you're not happy. There isn't like this middle road, this middle sort of like slurpy highway of swampiness where you get to... It's not like, oh, if I'm really shit, my shitness will meet his shitness and either cancel him out or fix him no no no no you're just making yourself miserable and sustaining this shit

situation i feel like this is like the cartoonish sort of byproduct of all the questions that we've answered today maybe right like if all the all the anxieties and problems and frustrations of all the people who ask questions today formed sort of like a interdimensional relationship monster, it would be this question. Well, ready for some more? Yeah, we could do one more. This cute disaster 1157. Friends with benefits who ghosted me three weeks ago, just message me. I have friends with benefits who I, 24-year-old male, was seeing, 40-year-old female, for about six months until she deleted me for seemingly no reason and stopped talking to me. Just message me this. If you don't want to talk to me ever again, can you please just block me so I don't have to keep hoping? She also knows I have feelings

for her, but she still let me see her and I thought she ghosted me to avoid an awkward emotional mess. Can anyone shed some light? I'm just so confused. Hold on, I'm confused. Yep. she ghosted me to avoid an awkward emotional mess can anyone shed some light i'm just so confused hold on i'm confused yep she ghosted him and then sent a message being like if you don't want to talk to me yep okay this sounds like to me that she might have sent a message to the wrong person you didn't get it and then when you didn't respond, she got upset. Or she sent this message to the wrong person. And the person she's still worried about is not you. Yeah. I mean, did you talk again? I know I've I know I've said this once or twice today.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you before you go, before you go, could you leave all your mom hangs download tinder and start messaging other people do you think this is the mom 40 years old shit could be the mom shit maybe that's where she's been for the last six months she's been having rad hangs with her son if someone sent me that message i would be like what are you talking about right like i don't understand people like when people get weird shit everyone's like what does it mean and they get all like fucking paralyzed by you know analysis paralysis as like it's some kind of riddle i like why don't you ask people anything why why is everyone so afraid of being like what does that mean yeah what are you talking about what are you talking about it's like you haven't talked to me

in was it months yeah six months you haven't talked to me in six months oh no sorry they were seeing for six months uh they ghost them for three weeks okay same thing why have you haven't talked to me in three weeks i'm not ignoring you if there was a message that maybe i missed or didn't get sent let's talk about it i would still very much like to see you but this message makes no sense to me so an interesting thing she deleted me for seemingly no reason and stopped talking to me is like did you guys meet on tinder because back in the day tinder would randomly delete people every now and then or at least it seemed that way so I mean if if they have your number and they delete you off something like i would just love to know did they see the delete go down and be like well this person hates me and maybe the other person feels the same way and that's

why she reached out some other way because like depending on how the fuck you're communicating i don't know how she undeleted you to message you this but like even just the everything here is so messy if you want to see this person try even just the everything here is so messy if you want to see this person try to clarify what's going on be like hey you didn't message me for three weeks so i don't know why you're now accusing me of not wanting to talk to you again and maybe they'll be like oh shit this thing happened and you guys will be like ha ha ha you'll move on but if they're shitty and they're fucking you around and lying to you and like pulling this dramatic shit maybe just don't especially if you're like oh i have feelings for her but like she doesn't i guess i don't know just like if you're confused what

dane said ask clarify talk and then don't be afraid to be like no you suck or oh this was a funny misunderstanding i guess we're still friends with benefit and make choices that benefit you right you say that oh you have feelings for if it's not being reciprocated or if you find this is this relationship is now becoming more painful for you to be in because you do have feelings for them but they don't want to explore those feelings with you and so you now you feel a little sort of dejected to being like cool i'm just i'm just a dick tour uh then like then make the hard choice to make a beneficial choice. Be like, cool. I'm starting to get catch feelings for you. And I know that you're not looking for that.

So for my own sanity and mental health, I've got to call it quits here. I'm sorry. And I understand it is very difficult in the modern age to turn down good sex, especially good, you know, recurring sex. And you might be like, well, great. Now makes you sad. Yes, it is. It is, well, great. It makes you sad. Yes. It is not good sex if it makes you sad. It's a great idea or great sentiment. I think that's going to do it for us this

week. But before we leave you, we like to jump onto online dating profiles such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge. See what works, what doesn't work. Comb the profiles for red flags in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. I feel I can feel the power of Facebook dating coming from your side of the table. I don't have anything saved this week.

OK. But I'm going to I'm going to go through right now. OK, here's a nice long one. I don't know if it's any good, but this is Brittany. They're 32. Who reads these? OK, well, here we go. I took a break from this for a bit to work on myself, but guess who's back?

Punch emoji or like fist emoji. Here it goes. It's Brittany, bitch. I have a son and a cat. So you have to be a good with animals and kids. I'm not looking for a father figure or none of that crap, but an independent single mom or been an independent single mom since the day he was born. Just looking to vibe with someone who's looking for the same goals.

Let's chat. Not into hooking up and ghosting. The start's garbage. You don't need to tell me you took a break from the website and went to work on yourself. That makes it seem like you still need, like, no one cares. That doesn't matter. Get rid of that. Yeah.

Like the rest of it is fine. It's not exactly exciting to me, but like it's a six or a seven probably a little bland maybe a six but like the start get rid of that why are you saying that why would that be a positive in your favor yeah i'm sorry no one wants to hear that so eject that into the sun uh do you have one oh we did okay this is raquel i'm very have into very heavy metal big on lord of the rings and anime don't match me if you main captain falcon and smash i tour sometimes as a photographer okay i like that i like that energy there's enough personality there's a a lot of like you know you get there into video games

you get the nerdy heavy metal scene yeah i i'm gonna say it's a that's a seven it's a it's a 9.5 it's great i feel like there's just like there's room for more i think like i i'm not left but but like i think there's enough there that makes me like hell yeah nice well like for me i love metal lord of the rings and anime i think it's funny that they have such a strong opinion on smash and obviously it's cool that they're gamer and they tour as photographer which is one cool two interesting and three a nice tidbit to know. So I like it. It's good. This is Shabana, 35. Never been lucky in love, but lucky in all things I control. Successful business operator who may be a workaholic. No pets, no kids, no exes. Looking for stability, someone who's like-minded. May want kids, but also getting to an age where that may

not be, and that's cool cool fun and spontaneous because i carry no baggage old school morals family over everything no flings please i'm pretty i don't need the dating app for when i assume they ran out of characters and they mean sex old school values always are old school morals i think morals is better than values but they still get the ick from it i also don't love no x's it's like yeah you're 35 and you don't want to hook up so it's like do you have like it just seems weirdly inexperienced again nothing wrong with having not you know had a relationship by the time you're 35 but to be so rigid in what you're looking for seems strange right like if i was 35 and had never had a partner i think i wouldn't be so like this is the very

narrow hole that i'm looking for it's like no i'd want to experience things right i would like to because i don't know what i want right i have no idea because i haven't done it yet what if she just killed all her exes i mean hey that could be true too like she you know it's like the girl who's like you don't have to worry about impressing my father she's like you don't have to worry about my ex they will never breathe again but like even you know for me it's like the girl who's like, you don't have to worry about impressing my father. She's like, you don't have to worry about my ex. They will never breathe again. But like even, you know, for me, it's like, yes, there's nothing wrong with having that inexperience. But like, I don't even know if you should be touting it like that on your profile because you're giving off first impressions. You're giving people like a little flash of what you are.

And it's like if what you're flashing is going to become a large part of what you're doing. So it's like if that line is 5% of your profile, that's a pretty big thing to give someone, if that makes any sense. Now, 20% of you is inexperienced. Yeah, I'm going to give this a, I'm giving it a four. No, five. Yeah, I'll give it a five. This is Hillary. Being on Bumble is like going to a work function.

I don't want to do it. I see too many people I already know, but don't want to talk to me. I'm hoping I'll have a good time and I'll most likely need to get drunk to get through it. Yikes. Then don't be on Bumble. Yeah, this is very miserable. And I think they think it's funny or cute, but like you sound dour and miserable. It's like, why are you here?

Are you that desperate that you need to date that you need to be on here being miserable? Yeah, no, nothing. Nothing good happening here. Here's Irma. I'm going to give it a two. Yeah, I'm giving it a two. This is Irma. Fun and love laugh.

Life is easy. Now, Irma. Is life easy? You know, I feel like you might be being a little flippant. I think life can be quite challenging for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. And while I love your mentality of fun, love and laugh, I think there might be a little bit more depth to the reality of life than you might be. I think if you are some magical person where life is easy, then you should probably spend the extra time you don't have to spend worrying or struggling,

being empathetic and understanding that it's not easy for everybody. So to me, you're either lying, you're very stupid, or you've had an easy life and decided just like it's all easy and ignore for everybody else. What are you doing? Yeah, I'm going to put this at a two. Yeah, it's also a two. This is Andrew, just a straight bro looking for buds new to my area and want to meet new people. OK, I don't hate it. I hope New to my area and want to meet new people. Okay. I don't hate it.

I hope they're on like Bumble BFF or whatever. They're not. Okay. Again, you know what? I don't hate it. If you've just set your whatever settings to all, you know, men and women, and you're just out there looking for pals, and that's actually what you're looking for,

I'm going to give this a seven. I hope you do meet some cool people because I feel like maybe you would yeah well it's sure why not it's not offensive is it the wrong place maybe but hey it reached the guy who sent it in so there you go yeah and i feel like him being like you know i think some people might say straight bro is throwing red flags but i think it's important to put out if you're putting yourself into every category yeah yeah i think it's important to be out if you're putting yourself into every category. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's important to be like, look, I am straight. I am just looking for friends because I think it's funny. I think like straight guy looking for buds has less douchey energy than straight bro. Yeah. But Hey, this is my last one. This is Eve looking for a

long time partner. If you are a loving person, family oriented, responsible, honest, outgoing to build memories, then you are the right person. If you are a playboy, family-oriented, responsible, honest, outgoing to build memories, then you are the right person. If you are a playboy, don't bother to message me, lol. I'm not here for chit-chatting or flirting, like crooked, sad face. Don't waste my time. Sorry for being straightforward. So how are you going to get to know someone without chatting or flirting, firstly?

Like, what's the step? Do you just go, we are married? We are now long-term partners. Even when you're dating, when you are long, long when you're married you should be chatting and flirting yes this is an impossibility secondly fuck these stupid lists of like i want someone who's nice and oh let's see yeah we all kind of want those very generic broad boring things tell me about you wait you actually want to find a responsible, loving person? Exactly.

Is that something you want? Sorry, you want someone who's honest? Whoa, wait, wait. Guys, guys, guys. What is it? What is it, Nahal? I finally found someone who wants someone who's honest. It's like, what?

A fucking weirdo. Damn. We've been telling you for years to be very dishonest to finally get a partner. Yeah, we've been telling you for years, Niall. Look, no one's going to love this honesty thing. This whole honesty thing that you do? This whole, like, not lying all the time? No one's going to want that.

No, boys, I swear. I'm just a straight bro i'm so honest are you making dinner again tonight i'm so responsible no god guys i just i just want to be i just i'm so outgoing to make memories uh yeah this is it's gonna be a four for me i think it's not three the worst but i'm yeah i think i think at this point these like as you said these like lists of very obvious qualities that everyone wants in a partner shouldn't be listed we don't need to say that we want an honest person because no one wants a dishonest partner yeah unless you're just wild like you're just a wild card and you're just you want to live in that chaos and if that's the thing

for you why just why that's gonna do it for this episode friend thank you very much for listening uh if you would like to support the show we would love for you to do that head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com click the patreon link and you will be given the opportunity to choose a level that is comfortable for you we have three tiers that you can choose from ranging from uh as low as low as $3. Uh, the $7 tier will give you access to pillow talk, which is our Patreon exclusive show. We do a episode at the end of every month right now, I believe there are 16 episodes out there just waiting for you. And episode 17 is coming shortly. Uh, it is creeping towards the end of the year. Creeping on its way.

And it's what lets us keep going. It's what lets us grow the show. Stop driving us into financial ruin. And we know times are tight. You know, it's the Christmas season. Everything is expensive. If you want to help out and want to support the show, but don't have that extra cash,

you can do that by sharing it with a friend or posting it on social media and telling someone that you think might need it. Or if you get a bad Tinder match and you think that they might benefit from listening to our show, maybe send it to them. That way you don't have to, you know, insult your friends and be like, Hey, you are bad at dating. Here's someone who might be able to help. You can tell the people you're trying to date and slowly but surely, we can infect the minds of the dating pool and make it better. And you could do all the things we just mentioned.

You don't have to just do one. And on top of that, feel free to reach out to us at any point with questions, just to say hi, if there's anything you enjoyed, anything you disagreed with, or if there's, you know, anything. If you got some bad Tinders you want to send us, or some good Tinders.

We need more of the good ones. We do. If you want your own profile reviewed, send it in. But anyway, we love you guys. We appreciate everybody. Thank you to everyone who's already supporting us. You guys mean the world to us. And thank you for coming by every week.

Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvard Cities for his song, Paper Stars. You got some bad sex writing for me? No, I do. And it breaks my heart because I read these books ages ago, and I enjoyed them. But every now and then I see snippets from them, and I'm like, dear God, because they do kind of read very in Sally.

She sped her pace. So did I. We raced one another towards the front door with increasing speed through the puddles left over from last night's rain. My legs were longer. I got there first. I opened the door for her and gallantly gestured for her to go in. It was an old contest of ours. Maybe my values are outdated, but I come from an old school of thought. I think men ought to treat women like something other than just shorter, weaker men with breasts. Try and convict me if I'm a bad person for thinking so. Wait, he thinks he's old school for thinking that women aren't just shorter, weaker men with breasts. Try and convict me if I'm a bad person for thinking so. Wait, he thinks he's old school for thinking

that women aren't just shorter, weaker men with breasts? Now, look, I understand that's a bad take, but I feel like that's more progressive, right? I think it's this weird thing where he thinks, like, you know when people are like, oh, feminism is bullshit because women

are just, you know, men and women are the same, but like, you know when you try to use equality the bad way? are just You know men and women are the same But like you know when you try to use Equality the bad way You know so he's like I'm not one of those people that treats Women like they're just men They need more but again in this situation It's like there's nothing wrong here but even then

It's like it's weird It is weird my name is Dave Miller And I'm now Spain I am a stronger larger larger man without breasts. Than me? And than everyone. I am the biggest man with no breasts. And we've been your fuck buddies. you