F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 223 - Niall and Dain’s Dark Desires

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

If I pass you on the street and you're holding something... just know: I thought about it.  Topics include resolutions and setting yourself up for success, good girl/bad girlfriend, not okay with "are you okay?", not bailing when booty called and old timey Tinders!

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I, of course, am Niall Spain. And we, of course, are your fuck buddies. We, of course, are a sex and dating advice show where we won an award for doing this.

We did. And we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Award winningly. Simply put, we are, of course, a sex and dating advice podcast. We're fine questions either online. I said it fucks you up when you throw in that. Of course, just throw it.

It really does. Cause we are a well-oiled machine. That's highly professional. So any kind of japery is really gonna wait. Can I, is that, I don't know. We're going to educate ourselves together.

I feel like I haven't used that word in a long time. I searched japery problematic. It seems fine. I don't know why I got worried about time. I searched Jeepery Problematic. It seems fine. I don't know why I got worried about it. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Great.

Either way. Whew. There we go. Any kind of mess and just throws us up because we never throws us out. Whoa. What's going on, buddy? I haven't even started drinking yet. I know.

It throws us out of whack. Apparently. Should we just redo all that? No. No. This is new year, new us. Well, how about I hit you with a question then? Before you do that, I do want to talk about something,

and I think it's pertinent to our whole brand situation. I was working on my New Year's resolutions. I don't know. Do you do New Year's resolutions? I know you do your big end-of-year wrap-up thing. It involves resolutions, both looking back on how i did my last year's ones and the ones that i'm gonna do this year cool so i think there's been a really cool shift in the uh presentation of uh resolutions in the sense of like i love that people are just sort of embracing the fact that it's just it's not like these cut and dried like i'm gonna save money i'm gonna eat healthy i'm

gonna lose weight i'm gonna do that like there's there's more of a culture of being like those are are okay like goals i guess but they're not necessarily revolution or resolutions um that's not really actionable. Yeah. And I think there's, uh, a really cool shift and I just wanted to talk about it with our listeners. And I think for us as well, I think we would both benefit from hearing it out loud.

At least I do. Um, is that like, I don't think you need to stress too much about changing your life on the start of the new day or the new year. I think that's, there's a lot of pressure there. If you're not ready to make big changes, you don't have to. And I feel like the new year is kind of like virginity where there's a lot of weight put

on it, but realistically it is just a day, you know what I mean? It's no different to the 31st or the second, you know? And I think it can be a really powerful tool to like set that day and like to think about things. I don't think there's anything wrong with that once you do it in a healthy fashion. But I think there can be a lot wrong with it if you don't do it in a healthy fashion. Yeah, I find it to be a very like handy motivator. You know, I do. I find that like the changing of seasons and like all that kind of stuff.

Like I love a good spring cleaning and there's something about spring that motivates me to do it. And like, I just love doing a deep clean. The second it starts getting nicer out. I understand that, you know, the new year is a great motivator for me, but I'm also lucky enough to know that like my holiday season isn't as stressful as a lot of other people's as well right like i know there's a lot of family trauma i know there's a lot of turmoil i know there's a lot of stress and stuff that you have to deal with over the holidays thankfully that's very minimal for me i i understand like the idea of going from a very very sort of stressful month of december with the holidays and family and, you know, probably financial troubles of like pulling things together so you can buy

gifts and all that, which is a whole other bag of capitalistic nonsense. And then going from that into, you don't get to rest after that because now you have to, now you need to go to the gym every fucking day, I think is, is a troublesome and potentially dangerous state of mind. And I like, I like the conversation that that's not necessary anymore. I think is a troublesome and potentially dangerous state of mind. And I like the conversation that that's not necessary anymore.

I think, again, use it in a positive way or don't use it. You don't have to. Don't be too hard on yourself and do try to make things actionable, like lose weight. Not very easy to do because that's nothing. That's very big. Whereas if it's like join a club or join a gym or go for a walk once a week, those are a lot more kind of like manageable and they achieve the goal of presumably losing weight. But like you can actually go tick. I did, you know, my 5,000 steps on a Wednesday more

than I usually do. And like, that's something you can do. It's something you can stick to. And it's something that's actually like, as I said, actionable. And you will see more progress that way than if you set something nebulous, like lose weight, because that's nothing. You need to do the things to lose weight. Now, do you, I don't want to put you on the spot and you're welcome to not share it. But like, do you, do you have a resolution that you're really excited for that you want to share that may inspire or help guide people? Um, I have a lot of resolutions. So for those who don't know, I write novels and I've been trying

to work more on the getting them published side than the just writing them side. So sending out more novels is one of mine. Sending out more short stories is another and writing more because short stories are one of those things where I do them if I have a very specific idea, which I rarely get because I tend to think more in terms of long format. But recently, I've actually been really enjoying doing them. So that's kind of a thing on the non related stuff. I really want to play a live show, whether it be this podcast or no quest or both and you know reduce drinking a little bit gem a little bit more and keep an eye open for jobs other than the one i have because i'm not necessarily happy in that industry but i haven't really been open to to moving out of it those are

great that's great those are all great i i don't have a whole. I think you've got a much wider berth. A big one for me is, and this is something I've been struggling with for, I would say, like, probably since the pandemic. It's two things. It's kind of twofold. One, I want to experiment with my style, my fashion. That's a big thing for me to share. I want to like try new things because I've recently felt this. You know, I'm not going to give all of the credit to my boy Harry Styles because I know there are a bunch of people who have done it before him. But like the idea of sort of shedding, I'm very bored with men's clothing.

The idea that we have more right. Like we have pants, shorts and then like a T-shirt or a button down. And they're like that's that's kind of it and that sucks for me um and i don't necessarily think i want to wear a dress or skirt or like any that kind of situation but i i want to find something else and i don't know what that is yeah but it's it's one of those things where and i think it really is going to kind of come to a head in spring and summer because i feel like winter's hard yeah canadian winter it's like it's it's much more function over form at that point i just want to be warm

so i think uh that's one of my big things is to is to explore my my fashion identity and kind of carve out a uh a unique style that i am comfortable in and i'm proud of and something that really resonates as me because right now it's just like my closet's a lot of like h&m an american eagle and and that's not really it for me yeah my closet is uh in both a good way and a bad way a lot of shit i was also wearing 10 to 15 years ago and like the bad thing is maybe i should have developed more more different clothing and style since or the good thing is that i'm not fucking up the environment because i don't buy new clothes really i mean yeah it's like i yeah yeah it's like some people buy a whole new outfit every week. And then the other thing is I want to find a, a workout like schedule that works for my life.

Yeah. Because I keep coming up with like, I was spoiled in the pandemic when we were in lockdown because I, you know, we both work in bars. We were out of a job for a lot of the lockdown period in Canada. Yeah. And it was, I was working out five days a week and I loved it. It was great. It was, it was something that really, I forgot how much I enjoyed it. And I guess it's twofold in this one as well, where it's like, I know I'm not going to have a six pack, right? Like I just know I won't. And that was something I, I kind of came to the realization in the pandemic of being like, I'm working out five days a week fairly like consistently and pushing

myself and and doing everything i can and i never got shredded because i like to have beer and i like to eat chicken wings and i like to so it's like i i want to get off the idea that my working out is going to lead to a a fucking jacked body or a typically the like Chris Hemsworth body. Yeah. It's like, I know I'm not going to look like that. And setting the expectation that like, maybe if I do, cause like, I don't want to count my calories. I don't want to count my macros or my micros.

I don't want to give up a bunch of stuff that seems like not fun. And that's not something I want in my life. Like, I think really, unless you're super committed and that's kind something i want in my life like i think really unless you're super committed and that's kind of your whole bag it's like you gotta gotta be rich to do it because you need the money and the time and the outside help like you need the personal trainers like was it uh rob mclehenney the guy from always sunny you've seen that he like between seasons like put on like a hundred pounds and then for the next show or next season became like incredibly shredded have you seen all that yeah so he came out and was like yeah

it's super easy all you need to do is be super rich and do nothing else that's like yeah that's fair because a normal person can't do that i know you know quote unquote normal people who look like this but that is also like, that's their goal. That's what they want. But it's also like you put in a lot of effort and I'm not disparaging that. I'm just saying, I think we're on the same page of not wanting to put in that much effort. You know what I mean?

Because it's like, I don't want to do that. Yeah. And that's okay. It's okay to realize that like, cause I'm sure like with me, it's like when I worked out, I never thought like, oh, what body do I want? I go, yeah, I want the Chris Hemsworth body because we all do. And we're also kind of socialized to be like, oh, that's a good body. Everything else kind of sucked. But you never realize that like, that's not an attainable body really without just an insane amount of work and dedication and all these things, which again,

nothing wrong if that's what you want to do or if you're able to put that in, but also nothing wrong if realizing that that's what it takes. You also can be okay with having a different body type, which great. And let's face it. A lot of the people we see in the media are also taking steroids, right? Like there's liver King would never do that. He would never do that. That's another. So a big revolution resolution for me is to one, find a schedule that works for me and, and commit to it. And that's like the hard part of it.

That's the actionable part of like where I'm actually going to have to work at it. Be like, I have a schedule. I've, I've specifically made one that works with my schedule. And there's always going to be times where like, yes,

I might take a day off, whatever. And two, I want to focus on what I need to do to get into a body that I'm proud of and comfortable of and whatever that means. And I think a lot of it is going to just be like making dinner a lot more, right? Like I, my, my diet is admittedly absolutely fucking terrible because there's three days of the week where the easiest thing for me to eat is chicken fingers at, you know, like 12 or like midnight at work because it's I'm busy and I don't have time to like grab a knife and a fork and eat something or have a sandwich or something. It's just like, nope, chicken fingers are easy because I can grab it, dunk it in some

sauce and slam it in my mouth and then go back to to slinging drinks. So it's just a matter of like, you know, treating my body with the respect that it deserves ultimately yeah but it is tough when you work and get off at fucking 4 a.m yeah and then that's like a i don't get break you know what i mean like unfortunately it's it's just it's fucking hard and that's it right like? Like for me, I need to like really accept and be like, yes, there are three days a week where I work 12 to 13 hours and I get home at 4am and I'm probably not going to want to work out the next day. No. Because I have to do it again, right?

So it's like, yeah. And that's the thing. I think another part of your situation and everybody's situation is like, be kind to yourself. And I'm not saying like make excuses or anything, but situation is like, be kind to yourself. And I'm not saying like make excuses or anything, but it's like, don't do the opposite where you ignore reasons that are very pertinent to your situation. It's like, if these things are there, you need to acknowledge. Yeah. Like don't make the solution or don't leave your problems out of the solution because then you might as well have just solved someone else's issues.

I think that's a big part of it. And you're just going to demoralize yourself further when it doesn't work out. But of course it's not going to work out if it's not suited for your situation. Exactly. We don't have to talk about this any much longer. really important, really useful to hear that. Like we can get away from the traditional idea of what a, you know, resolution and new year's resolution and what that looks like. And, and ultimately you've talked about it a lot. Uh, and you mentioned a lot of just being like, be kind to yourself.

These resolutions are meant to better your life, better yourself, uh, find new opportunities, et cetera. There's it. They're not there to berate you or make you feel bad or to guilt you. And if any of your resolutions, you should do the start of this new year is make life harder for yourself or be at odds with yourself. You know what I mean?

And that's why, again, that's why I love doing like new year's wrap wrap ups. Like I go through month by month. I write down everything good or sometimes bad, if it's big, that happened because you can see what you've surpassed and you can look back and be like, because sometimes it's easy to be like, oh, this year fucking sucked. And then you look back, you're like, oh shit, me and Dane went to Boston and it was amazing. And that happened right

after I went to a college with some friends and that was amazing. And Oh, that happened the same year. Like it's, I love it. I love doing it. I recommend to everybody because there's probably gold nuggets that you've let slip between your fingers because we're human. Our brains are not perfect. There's a lot going on in the world. I, at the end of the day,

you really got to take care of yourself. And, and if you're not making goals, if you're not setting goals specifically with caring about yourself, then you're not setting goals, if you're not setting goals specifically with caring about yourself, then you're not setting the right goals. I think that's the lesson I really wanted to talk about. So thank you very much for indulging me on that. I know that probably went longer than I thought it was going to, but I think it was. I hope someone out there needed to hear something that we said, because I think it's worthwhile talking about.

I think it's important. And I think January can be a tough time for a lot of reasons. And unfortunately, I think resolutions, uh, pay off or not pay off, but like play a role in that. Um, like blue Monday is coming up probably two weeks after this episode or a week. Uh, it's usually what second, third week in January. And like, I think resolutions are a big part of that. Money is also the weather, but mental health is something we always advocate for, and I think thinking about what we just talked about was important. Now, are you ready for some bullshit? Let's go. Let's do it. This is by Antique Cheetah778. Red flag if girlfriend is mean to your dog? Yes. Well, that's it. Next question girlfriend nine months has gotten increasingly more and more distant since towards my english bulldog baby girl since we've gotten together my dog

is a loving affectionate human interaction seeking puppers she doesn't see it as a big deal and it hurts my heart for my dog it makes me sad when she visibly shuns her and yells at her to get away from her constantly my doggy loves attention i can see it making her really sad every time she's completely a dog person is she so i'm confused on what mine did wrong. Yeah, she's struggling recently with going number two in the house and scratches herself, which annoys my girlfriend, but she's a dog. It starts constant arguments when I have to ask her to please just be nicer. I asked her when the last time she pet her was and she answered, I don't know. I don't like her and I won't stop until she's not a bad dog anymore. Just hurts my heart. She also has a puppy that does the exact same things.

I can't complain about hers though. I don't, I understand your frustration and your heartbreak about this. And it sounds like you've already talked to her. And if it really is causing you and this poor dog distress, I think you do need to be like, not the vibe. Sorry,

I'm going to move on. And it seemed, i know that like i i it might seem like we jump to breaking up with people right off or fairly quickly but the the the step for me in every like sort of problem in a relationship is talk about it and if you can come to a conclusion great and if you can't and it's something that is going to affect you negatively for the duration of the relationship then it should be over i i can't so to put a little personal spin on this i uh hooked up with someone and as we were going into my room they literally like stopped all sort of interaction and like went over to pet my cat who was in his little

cat bed and she's like sorry i had to and i was like oh yeah i don't think you understand yeah how much that's made me more attracted to you like how much that has sort of like boost it doesn't matter like how attractive physically or what you're wearing that little aspect of being like oh your cat is here and i would like to say hello to him i gotta gotta say hi to that cute little orange guy. Right? That for me is a huge benefit. So I feel, I get this dude's problem of being like,

if you're being shitty to my dog, I'm gonna find you less and less attractive and that is a huge problem in a relationship. I honestly don't think I could get to the point of, I don't think I could get to the end of that day. If you were not nice to my dog, I'd be like, what is wrong with you? What is happening here? My dog is the bestest girl or

boy, depending on the dog we're talking about. Not that I have multiple dogs, but I mean, you know, past dogs. And if they didn't have a very good answer, I'd be like, cool. I don't like you. You're mean to my dog. Like, fuck you. I'm sorry. Look, if your dog is scratching herself, that's fine. That's what dogs do. I don't understand what the issue is here. And if they're taking shit to the house, it's like, that's probably a you problem. Unless there's a deeper medical issue, again, maybe with the scratching too. So it's like, if instead of going to the vet or talking to you about it, she's just like, fuck this dog. This person sucks. Especially if they're also

hypocritical and their dog does the same thing, but you can't, you know, return fire. Not that you should because dogs are angels. So this person doesn't sound like a nice person or a good partner. You have talked to them, which again is an important point. If you hadn't, we would advocate for that. But if you have, and you've just kind of like gotten nothing and nowhere, and she's being mean to your poor angel, fucking dump this person i don't yes it's a red flag yeah 100 it's also a red flag if they're mean to women or people who are younger than them or servers or like if they're mean it's a red flag like yeah a person being bad to another thing another human living caring loving thing like yeah that's it's straight up a red flag not to say like you can't

stand up for yourself or have conflict with people but that's not being mean you know what i mean yeah like if somebody attacks me and i shove them i'm not being mean if i walk down the road and just fucking push someone smaller than me over yeah that's being mean and i fucking suck so it's like do you ever have the urge and like this, this is going to make me seem terrible, but like my, my mind has the urge to do everything and anything. It's awful. It's like anything I shouldn't do. It's like, Hey, you should fucking do that.

And I'm like, no, please mind. The amount of times I'm walking by someone who's like eating a piece of pizza or has a coffee, I should hit that out of there. Yeah. But I think, I think everybody has that to some degree um and it's just it's the same urge that makes you like when you're up somewhere high it's like just jump off it's like no or at the subway just be like i should just walk in front of that yes 100 or like reach out the hand as it's going by and just see will i just slap it out of the way or do you lose your arm i remember the first time

this happened to me i was i had just won a like multimedia award in high school for a cartoon i made and i was invited to not intern but like job shadow a animator at the cbc and we were way the fuck up there and it's like off front street i think but it's like this huge building and i was at like near the top floor and we were sitting at this like dude's sick like corner booth not an office but like his cubicle was in the corner and he uh he had this big old computer and i was like the whole time i barely paid attention because i i just want to throw this fucking computer out the window like the whole time i was just like man i just want to just grab that fucking i'm sure very expensive computer and just yeet it out this goddamn window and i was like what's wrong with

me and ever since then it could just be me and you i think everybody has this why did we get like why is this the last episode that ever got downloads i would please please if you have these inclinations i don't if you do them i don't want to hear from you i don't really unless they're like funny ones yes but if if you ever are just like waiting for a subway or a bus and you're just like should i um and not in like a sad way just like a curious way in a way you're like mind what are you doing yeah it's uh i don't know i i don't know how we got here but yeah oh we're talking about me people yeah like i saw a dude and he just looked like he was really into his pizza and i was like i damn it man i want to slap that so badly it's important to say that i didn't no yes we don't do these things i think we're

great this person sucks break up with them it's's a red flag. That's the question. The answer is yes. This is. Welcome. So I don't know how to read this name. I'm going to give it a couple of readings and I'll let you and the listener decide. Okay. Welcome to Ask Jack.

Welcome to Ask Jack. I'm not sure. I'm not sure which one. Is it a place called Ask Jack? Yeah, I think so. Okay. Again, the question might make me reconsider. No, the question has nothing to do with it. Okay. That's probably probably for the best i don't really want to know what an ass jack is

yeah um it is a like a car jack that you put in your ass sideways to spread your cheeks oh okay that's fine a wife turned off by are you okay during sex wife 37 year old ass jack did come up immediately when i when I started to type. Okay. What is it? So, according to Urban Dictionary, Ass Jacking is kicking someone directly in the asshole, perhaps so hard that the big toe gains insertion.

Ass Jack is an American heavy metal band. Yeah, Hank Williams III. And Ann Ass Jack is the inversion of Jackass when calling him a jackass is just not enough. So there you go. Okay. Maybe it's the guy from the back.

Maybe it is. Wife, 37-year-old female of 14 years. I'm 36-year-old male. And I were opening up. I think there's a word missing. Opening up about different things tonight. She told me when I ask her sometimes during sex, you okay? It's a huge turnoff for her.

And I should have more confidence. To be clear, I'm talking about asking in response to maybe going a bit hard and accidentally pulling out and stabbing her outside of her pussy or noticing that she might have grimaced in a certain position. She also remarked about asking her, does that feel good? And that she'd definitely tell me if she didn't. I honestly think I was being kind of respectful, so it kind of took me aback. What should I take from this other than, well, just don't say those things anymore if anything i kind of get it i i feel like this person obviously coming from a good place i'm glad you said that because i was really worried you were going to come hard and fast at this woman no no i i feel

like you know if it's been 14 years and she's only bringing up now, not great. But like at the same time, are you okay? I feel like it's hard to pull off a, are you okay ever? Because you're either very much not okay. And you're like, why are you fucking asking me? I just got hit by a car. Or it's like, yeah, I'm fine. Why? It's very hard to be like, just upset enough that someone notices, but you haven't admitted that they say it. And you're like, oh, realized you know what i mean i think well i think it's a hard hard thing to to get through have you never have you never asked a partner like are you okay because like i've definitely had moments in sexual relationships where again as i said like maybe i slipped out you know particularly if someone was riding me fairly aggressively yeah and you know and like

or or like the guy says like if there's that face every now and then like there's like a face and you're just like you got to check in i think even just like like i'm thinking of it in terms of repetition and staleness and as a concept as a whole because i think what i said was fair yeah no absolutely i'm just i think in those in those instances i've usually been more specific like oh, oh, shit, did I hurt you? Or like, you know, and their incidents, they're not constant. And if this has become a problem, he's obviously doing it so often that it has become weird. So it's like, look, the good thing is moving forward, hopefully you can get this worry out of your mind to a degree where it's like she said, I'll let you know.

So, yes, it's great that you can now hopefully trust your partner you've been with for 14 years. And presumably, you know, enough, like for me, it's like, unless I was doing something new, or I got a reaction that was so different to usual, it's like, I know what I'm doing and how they're feeling. So it's like, I can't imagine that she's making an expression you haven't seen before, or you're doing something new that often. Maybe you are. Great, I guess, depending. You know what, I get his point of view, or like his stance of, because like, some people are more like, I think you and I are both very confident in both our sexual abilities and our ability to read nonverbal clues.

And, you know, we usually are like like i'm trying to think of a way to phrase this correctly we're far we're far better at connecting with our sexual partners on a level of understanding was is that i don't know if that's just a lot of words you know what i mean like i've see it's just yeah i agree to me, it seems impossible to have been with someone for any amount of time. That's significant. Let alone 14 fucking years and be confused by situations like this. But I don't think it's with regularity. I don't think it's confusion.

I think it's it must. I think it's no. I think it's like a personal like response. Right. Yeah. But like, you're still misconstruing what's happening. Like they're confused with like, oh, you're hurt when they're saying they're not. But this is the first time the wife has said it as well, right?

This is the first time she's told him like, I will let you know. True, but even then it's like you're kind of then ignoring a history of 14 years of her being like, no, I'm good. But we're also assuming that it's the same thing right like if you if i'm jackhammering someone and i come out and and hit them in the wrong spot or they make a face i don't think it's unreasonable to like just because you've asked them once before no i know i know you know like to me where like i'll break it down just so it doesn't seem like i'm being over the top here it To me, for it to have been a problem, it has to have happened, I would say, quite a lot of times. Yeah. Right?

Maybe they have a wild, adventurous sex life. Most people don't, especially people who cannot figure out their partner's cues this way. more likely that this is a regular problem, not because they regularly switch it up and regularly do, you know, different things and have come into different problems every time. I'm imagining it's like she makes a face while he's jackhammering her. And then the next time he's jackhammering her, it's the same. And the next time, you know what I mean? Like, I don't think it would be a problem if they were always doing something new and he was checking in. Well, that's a very fair point. And here's the way I'm approaching it. If you and I were sparring and I clipped you in a way that maybe I've clipped you before, I would still check in. For sure. But if we were sparring for 14 years and every time you hit me, you were like,

oh, are you good? I'd be like, what are you doing? You know what we're doing here. I've assured you, I'm a competent partner, you're a competent partner, like I wouldn't want to spar with you if that was the case. remember someone tried to fucking heel kick me and I thought they were doing something else. So instead of them hitting me, I leaned very heavily into the kick and they probably kicked a little harder because they were probably hoping to pull it. So they hit me way harder, right in the jaw. Then they wanted to, then I wanted to, and like probably the closest I've ever come to being knocked out in like a gym or ever. Like I saw red, i had sparkles and they were like oh shit because they knew that should have gone wrong every other thing that we did from them trusting me as a sparring partner me trusting them and just everyone kind of knowing their thing it wasn't an issue so this is every three hits i was like are you okay it would get very frustrating and it's also kind

of disrespectful in a way because it's like you can't either you can't gauge my responses or what your output is or you think I can't handle it. But what I'm saying is it's not every hit. It's the one where like you do clock it. Right. Because I just like the only thing that's taking me out of what we need to determine is, is it every time you have sex? Yeah. I'm just assuming it's so much if it is this problem. But again, it could have just been like a weird week. Maybe it happened three times

in a week. Or even law of large numbers, right? 14 years is a long time. So even if it happens once a month, once a month for 14 years is a lot of times, right? And even then though, I cannot imagine they're doing something different every time. But it doesn't have to be something different. But if it is the same issue repeated, I feel like that is an issue. Either way, I feel like we're getting off track. We're both cycling. So here's the thing. And I think this is an important part of this question is Niall and I have both fairly different stances on this.

Right. Like I, you know, despite the fact that I agree with what Niall is saying, I see it in one way, he sees it in another. So I think it's also important to not only listen to the criticism and, you know, internalize it

and listen to it and appreciate that she's being honest with you. But I think it's also important to give her your side as well and be like, okay, fair. I will keep that in the back of my head. But please know that I'm not doing it out of insecurity. I mean, you might be, I'm not sure, but like, let them know.

It's like, it's all out of concern and respect and safety. If, if the only reason I'm saying it is because there is a trigger that I notice that I feel like I need to check in on you. So it's not necessarily like, and I think any good partner would hear that and be like, hopefully like, okay with it, or at least understand where it's coming from. And then you guys work together to figure out the middle ground, right? A combination of you reading the nonverbal clues and understand, and like, you know, wanting to make sure your partner is safe and not injured and also abiding by her needs of being not taken out of it. Cause it's called, what is it called? When you're forced

to remove yourself out of a sexual situation to identify, I don't remember what it's called, but it's, it's, there's a name for it. So like, yeah, like, I think it's called like context switching. Either way, it's not fun. You know what I mean? And like, again, I think it's called, like, context switching. Either way, it's not fun, you know what I mean? And, like, again, I think, like, are you okay? It is obviously sweet, and I think this person attends it sweetly, but it isn't sexy. And on top of that, it's like, if you're just kind of lost in the moment, like, no one wants to think that their, like, their orgasm face or their sex face is not good. So it's like, if you're enjoying yourself, and someone's like, are you okay? That sucks for your not good so it's like if you're enjoying yourself and someone's like are you okay that sucks for your confidence and it's definitely gonna take

you out of it and then going further you're not gonna be in it because you're gonna try to like regulate your face and not look like that ugly hurt person you were a second ago you know i think that's also like the we haven't talked about it but the other one of like does that feel good is so I think I think you and I can both agree that there are better ways to ask that question yes and I think like if it came up in a rotating cycle of things it wouldn't ping but I think it's the only thing he says you know you could be like oh you like that or how does that feel or like are you gonna come for me or like you could say so many other things and it's like yeah if you say the one thing over and over again you just start to sound like an npc here's what i would suggest and here's something

that i like to do phrase your question as a statement so if you're really enjoying something tell them make it make it known so that hopefully that they can, they will reciprocate. They will be, you know, if you're like, fuck, that feels really good. Hopefully they will say yes or respond positively. And then something we encourage all the fucking time afterwards, once sex is finished, if you notice they were making a face during a position and they haven't stopped you, there's no harm in being like hey i i was really enjoying fucking you from behind on the couch did you like that after the fact right because sexy time is

over and hopefully your partner would trust you enough to be like if something didn't feel good they would stop or they would readjust or whatever so that would then open up the door for them to be like actually i didn't love it or actually the next time we do it can we try this and that's how you fine-tune a lot of people think that like when sex is done it's done and we don't talk about it anymore and that's it but it's like no the the moments after sex is a great way to sort of debrief and figure out what worked and what didn't work and and fine-tune the things like sometimes you sleep with someone and they don't love a certain position. You're like, great. No, vice versa. Again, we I really don't want to seem like we don't advocate with checking in on your partner.

My only fear is that he's done it for way too long. Yeah. Ad nauseum in in similar circumstances, which, again, is kind of hyperbolic because I don't know. I'm just assuming because I can't imagine getting to be a problem otherwise. And I definitely check in with partners. And I think, like we said earlier, you don't want to fall into NPC-ism where you always say the same thing, because I think that can become tiring no matter what we're talking about. But even just like, oh, too much? Or like, am I in too deep? Because sometimes if you've lifted their legs right up, you can get in a lot further than you normally would. There are some positions where that's a danger. So you can like check in and I highly recommend it. I just think you do have to learn your partner's body and trust them

at some point. It just does kind of baffle me that that has continued for so long, but like check in and be like, was it too much? Or at the end, you'd be like, you seem to like really like, there was a strong reaction to this position, which I've asked before. And a lot of the time it's, yeah, that was really good. Or for a second it was like too intense, but then it was really good. Or yeah, I wasn't loving it. Great. It's good to check in.

And again, trusting your partner and checking in in the moment if something important seems to pop up, like if they do seem uncomfortable or you've kind of broken them out of their like sex trance or whatever, you know what I mean? I advocate, and I know Dane does, check in with your partners. And I do kind of disagree with her saying it's because he's an unconfident lover in a way, because I think people who are unconfident tend to not want to bring things like this up because they don't want to hang a lantern on their failures. Yeah. They want to put their heads down and pound away until someone comes. So I think it is actually the hallmark of a confident lover to want to care about their partner, to realize that they're not perfect, right? Because the more you know about something, the more you know you're never perfect. To want to change it, to be open to criticism and

adaptation, blah, blah, blah. So long story short, I think you guys, as Dane said, tell your side of the story, let them know that you care about them. You're obviously sorry if you took them out of the mood at any point, but like you were just looking out for their health, wellbeing, and in future, maybe have a safe word so that you know that they know they can throw this out if anything goes wrong. And hopefully you can take a step back and not have that in the back of your head all the time because you trust them because you've been dating them for so long and on top of that shake up your regimen of like sexy talk because just saying the one thing all the time is never going to really get you there yeah and i can't think of a worse option than does that

feel good yeah because hopefully like the bare minimum is yeah, is that sex should feel good even when you're doing like the bare minimum, right? Like sex should always just sort of like baseline feel good. So asking that question is just sort of being like, are we having sex? Yes. Yes, we are. Yeah. It's like those dating profiles where it's like, want someone nice and honest. It's like, no shit.

Yeah, you don't need to say that. Okay, you know what? The actual question has been deleted, but I know enough of the deets to delve into it. Okay. This is by a deleted user. Guy turned down date so he could be gaming instead. Fresh enough thing. They met off Tinder like two or three times.

She last minute had a free night, invited him out. He said he isn't coming out because he's gaming with his boys and set another date for like a few days later. She thinks she's been burned horribly. Right. And yes, before you ask it is the day Warzone 2.0 came out. Hell yes. horribly right and yes before you ask it is the day war zone 2.0 came out hell yes okay i think we can all agree that spending time with friends is very important and if you have plans to spend time with friends or if you're currently spending time with friends the allure of sex shouldn't

trump that right and i think sometimes it does that's okay but yes it's fine i there are situations right like if there is ever a time where we're just doing some like unplanned you know chill hangs if we're playing dmz or something and i get booty called i might be like hey you know what guys i'm i'm i'm gonna go meet up with someone for sure and as good friends you're hyped for that you know i mean it becomes a problem if every time you want to hang out, they're like, fuck you guys, this person is more important, whether it be a stranger or their partner. But that's a different question.

Right? And so I think it's a very different situation, whereas Monday nights, that is our Pathfinder, Starfinder, that is our RPG Monday night. If I got a text halfway through that and we're in the middle of a boss fight and I'm like, actually guys, I'm going to bail.

I would be a bad friend. Yeah. Or even like Monday day. If someone was like, Hey, now you like want to go out tonight. I'd be like, Oh,

I'm meeting the guys, you know, we're having a boys night. And it's not like, I think what's important in this question is to get gaming out of that and put in, hang out with friends because i think a lot of people yeah i think they disparage gaming like that's not a valid excuse whereas like you know

if you're like oh i'm gonna go play football with my friends they'd probably still be upset but less so i think i think gaming is looked down on when in reality what's happening is you are hanging out with your friends you have plans with your friends you are a new relationship and they are doing the right thing here in not canceling last minute on the people who've known and loved them for years and rescheduling you for a time when they are free and i think it's that simple to reiterate it was they didn't have plans right it was like a last minute sort of like yes hey are you free and the guy was like no like it wasn't like they had plans and he canceled and was like i can't do it i'm gaming with my boys yeah so i mean i remember there was a day where i had gone on one date with this woman and she was really cool i had a great time and it was like

canada day or victoria day or something and it was you me and a couple of the other guys from work i think at that point in time we're out watching fireworks and she was like hey what are you up to i was like watching fireworks with the boys and we're like you know we're gonna have a night and she's like cool you should come over and i was like well i did just say that with the guys so like i'm sorry but like you know i would love to but unfortunately like i'm hanging out with the guys right now and she never talked to me again you see i'm okay with that story until you press the issue if they're like oh i'm out with that story until you press the issue. If they're like, oh, I'm out with the guys watching fireworks.

I was like, hey, you should come over. And they're just like, ah, not to deny them with the friends. You go, oh, no worries. Have fun. Great. You know, actually a shot. Nope. No issue.

Maybe they're horny. Maybe they'll see after. Who knows? But if you get offended by the fact that they value their friends, it's like, cool. Do you want someone who doesn't? Because talking about red flag territory, it's not even like valuing a friend it's the fact that like people have lives and you shouldn't and i think this is a a fairly unique experience for men that women don't often get refused when it comes to offering sex right there's this idea and it's it's a deeply faceted in toxic masculinity that if you offer a man sex he should he has to say yes because that's all we want and i think there's a pretty negative and

shitty reaction for women who perpetuate this facet of toxic masculinity that they get angry or all of a sudden we're a bad person or we're using them because they take it personally uh and it sucks because for everybody involved because now they're feeling hurt when you're just doing a very normal thing you feel hurt because you're also doing a very normal thing arguably the correct thing and it just sucks for everyone involved and it's like that's another facet of toxic masculinity we need to jettison into the sun. But I just think it's important to not disparage a certain thing. Like if this was a friend's birthday party or a family party or whatever, boil it down to its base components,

where what you have is he already has plans and that's it. You don't get to judge their plans. It's like an employer being like, Oh yeah. What are you sick with? Like, you know what? They're not coming into work.

Like, fuck off. I will even go as far as to say is he didn't want to i think that's also a valid excuse if he even if he was just like oh i'm actually just chilling at home i had a really long week and i need to rest yes for sure you're also allowed to just not want to yeah but like you know this context i i think they did because they rescheduled right it's like you're two days in you last minute tried to organize something and i'm like the least likely scenario here is that they're free so why are you now upset that that came to pass and again yes as dane says if you don't want to go out with someone 100 so just everyone calm the fuck down yeah take a deep breath we're all busy

we're all tired we're all doing our best yeah The whole situation out here is bad for all of us, for most of us. So like, let's look after each other. And, and look, I will also say this. If schedules don't align, it's okay. And if for whatever reason, cause like, look, I know this firsthand. I'm a very busy person. My schedule is fucked and making plans with people can be difficult. And sometimes there are times

where it's just like, I just won't be able to make it work. And that sucks because as much as I may want to see someone, I have other obligations. I have other responsibilities. I have other plans that I've been putting off for like months. Like there are times where I might have a Tuesday off to hang out with someone, but I've also been telling this person that I'm going to hang out with them since, you know, September. And it's like, this is the one Tuesday where both of our schedules line up. So I'm going to prioritize that because I've been putting it off for so long. So like I, we do need to one, understand that people's schedules can be fucked. I think a lot of people's are these days with the amount of stuff that like, we're all trying to juggle, it's going to happen. And two, it's also

okay to be like, Hey, I've tried to hang out with you i need a little bit more consistency and this i don't think this is going to work that's fine too if that's something you need like if you're willing to actively clock be like considering our our track record and the scheduling and everything is like i do need someone who's a little bit more consistent that i would like to see like once a week and that might not be something you offer. That's fine. That's an okay expectation and, you know, something that you want. But you can't expect that from it.

You can't expect the same level of consistency or freedom that you may have. Yeah. Just be kinder to people out there. You know what I mean? And don't disparage their friendships or pre-existing plans or hobbies it's like you're not the fucking main character they're not some fucking side characters has to pop up at your every whim people have lives and like the more you respect that the better you're gonna do for yourself and others out in the dating world yep at the end of the episode we like to hop on to online dating platforms such as tinder bumble hinge in an

effort to comb them for red flags, see what works, see what doesn't work, to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. You want to start us off? Okay, this is Amy. I want someone who, and it's like a Hinge prompt, I want someone who is funny, food, and coffee lover. Okay, Amy, I think you think you're being sneaky, but you did just out yourself as a cannibal. Yep. That's the thing. Those commas don't lie. The famous Shakira song.

It's pretty fucking bland. I'm sorry. Like funny. No shit. You want funny? You like someone who likes food? No, no. She wants someone who is food.

Who is food. Yes. Which is pretty unique. I will say. This is either a one because it's nothing or it's a one because you will try to eat me. Yeah, either way, it's not great unless you want to be eaten, in which case, perfect profile. So a friend of mine has sent me a Instagram account that shows, I guess, like very old dating profiles. I love it.

Thank you, whoever you are. I will read a few choice selections of them. This is, I don't think, there's no name here. This is from a man from Wagner, South Dakota. Single, male, 41, 5'8", weight, 200, brown eyes, blue hair, financial worth over $100,000. Lo eyes. Blue hair. Financial worth over $100,000. Love female supremacy sexually. Seeking beautiful, dominant female.

Perhaps strong Amazon wrestler? Love being sat on and forced to serve French. Love all tastes and smells. Smells is bold. Will do Greek if desired. Will marry if suited. If wrestler, maybe professional or not. Douglas W. Cabernet, and then their address and phone number.

You know, it's not worse than a lot we see. I'll tell you that. That's the thing. Like, you know what? You know what, my dude, Douglas? You did it. It's not a bad profile. Yeah, I will say, I think maybe more of who he was, aside from his net worth. And hey, that was a lot of money back then. Yeah, I will say I think maybe more of who he was aside from his net worth.

And hey, that was a lot of money back then. Yeah. Now I wouldn't even buy you half a condo or a quarter of a condo. You know what? It's not for me because I'm not an Amazonian smelly woman, but it's not the worst. It's like a seven, six. Yeah,

I'm up there with you. It's not bad. I really thought we'd get some worse stuff. Are you ready for CJ? Mm-hmm. Pansexual, solo, poly. That's it. That's it. I mean, I'm going to give it a five because it is sort of like the base.

Like, you've given me... You've got literally nothing. I don't think a five. No, I'm vetoing this five. It's worseing this five. It's worse than a five. For me, it's like there's a,

cause five for me is there's no red flag. There's no green flag. There's nothing for me to say yes or no to. Yeah. But like having nothing is inherently just bad, right? That's fair. Okay. I will bump it down to a four.

I'm, I'm giving it a three. Like it's not offensive, but it is basically just your... You know what I mean? You could just be like, this is my name, and you're kind of getting the same effect. Yeah, that's fair. It's nothing. I'm sorry. Do something. Give me anything.

This is... Again, I don't know. No, it doesn't look like there is a name. Courteous. Hugh Trailer Truck Driver. White. Healthy. 6 six foot 190 pounds of action country mobile home red gto convertible love swimming dancing flying nudism polaroids seeking affectionate broad-minded well-endowed mini skirt gal to be my swinging partner for lively weekend house parties plus tender loving care and home cooking daytime

dates in noic area would be gorgeous marriage minded not interested in males discipline or bondage these are all better than modern profiles what the fuck it's yeah so this is also the photo of this man is also him in like a leopard i wouldn't say like g-string but like tidy whitey sort of bathing suit holding what could be like a rum and coke or a jack and coke sort of situation with a uh like tinted sunglasses and a pipe in his mouth hell yeah uh was he saying he wanted a woman to cook him home cooked meals or he wanted to cook home cooked meals that's my only kind of real pain he says i mean i also don't know what quote unquote gal and quote unquote swinging partner means i'm not sure yeah also well i usually think of as

like a dick not well that's that's why i'm wondering if he's looking for a cross dresser maybe but either way he doesn't want man at the end so i don't know but either way it's like it could just be a a sign of the times where slang has changed and we're out of the loop. But he seems to know what he's looking for. Yeah. I also do like the 195 pounds of action because I feel like that's a callback to how movie trailers were like 180 minutes of pure action. I would love to know when this is when these were from. There's no dates on them, unfortunately.

I'd give it a 7. Maybe even an 8. I'll give it an 8. Unless there's something I'm missing. I really hope there's not some hidden disparagement. Yeah, I don't know. Are you ready for Kayla? Yes. It's always sunny on a date with me. Dark humor and roasts are the

key to my heart. Not to brag, but my mom called me an 8 out of 10. Satisfied face. I'm still a disappointment to my dad. How I met your mother is better than Friends. No cap, as the cool kids say. I'm vaccinated, caffeinated, and freshly masturbated. Ready to take life by the balls. Consensually, of course.

I like it. I mean, we could talk about how shit How I Met Your Mother is, but Friends is also very problematic, so, you know, well, it is what it is but in terms of I feel like content friends has more of an excuse though being older and I don't I don't know I haven't watched all the friends

and I it's been a while I don't understand that it's always sunny reference at the at the top it's always sunny when you're on a date with me well like they capitalized it like the show I don't know so I. I don't know. So I just, I don't know.

It's like, it's weird that there's those TV, like, you know, how many other friends and it's always sunny. All mentioned. Is there like a hidden cipher we're missing? Yeah,

I don't know. Or like if it's an always, are they just trying to be like, I like always sunny, but they're too scared to say it. Cause they're going to say that the, the date is going to be so fucking unhinged. Yeah.

Like maybe you're going to do that the date is going to be so fucking unhinged. Yeah. Like maybe you're going to do meth. That's the thing. If it is anything like the show, I don't want to go on a date with you because they are not even arguably. They're objectively garbage people and only people who are very, very misled think otherwise. Yeah. I think they're fine. I like the consent is important, obviously. Yeah.

They're vaccinated. They seem fun. It looks like there's some stuff you could chat about. Obviously, they're fine. I like the consent is important, obviously. Yeah. They're vaccinated. They seem fun. It looks like there's some stuff you could chat about. Obviously, they like TV. Yeah, I'm down. It's like seven. Yeah, I'm going to give it the same thing. This is the last one I'm going to do from this Instagram account.

They're from Maryland. Good looking American woman. Age 34. Height 5. Weight 120. Dark brown hair. Bluish gray eyes. Fair complex complexion i have a nice form pretty good disposition protestant experience in housework and cooking i am a widow have two girls age 6 and

8 i love the outdoor life flowers pets i'm not hard to get along with wish to correspond with a tall man dark hair and eyes and good disposition Kind and true if he is poor. One who loves children. See photo above. So if he's not poor, he could be a dick? That certainly sounds like what they're saying. I also like how they're just like, I have a pretty good disposition. It's nothing

special. But you gotta have a good one. Unless you're rich. Unless you're rich. Unless you're rich. It was mostly good. I don't really like the rich thing. You know, bump it down to a five.

Judging by the picture, I'm going to say this is like 40s, maybe 50s. Damn, it's wild that like if you got rid of the rich thing, I'd be giving this like a seven or an eight. It seems pretty nice. I like that they're pretty open about their their stuff i do find it funny just that they're like a pretty good disposition like i found that charming less than i found it bad you know what i mean yeah so aside from the like weird will sell my soul for money issue it's not that bad yeah oh sorry it's 1927 jesus how is that better than most profiles with you? It's almost a hundred years old. Guys, we're doing a bad job, I guess. I can finish off with S.

Okay. Five, six, computer nerd, originally from Miami. Yes, my boobs are implants and I realized they're not for everyone. Eyes up here, rolling eyes emoji. And I will say from the pictures she's provided her boobs are i would say between 25 to 45 percent of her entire mass oh so they're comically large they are they are wild like someone would look at them and be like no those are real they're like it's impossible i sent the picture to you again i don't you know yes we try not to judge people based on body but like if that's all oh yes like i can't tell if it's a joke profile or not but like yeah you do yeah i don't think

you needed to point out that they were fake but yeah i also think like something that obvious i think is one of the things where like look if someone who's into that they're gonna be into it and someone who isn't is gonna it's like it's so there's no gray area when it's that extreme. So I think the fact that your entire profile is now made about it as well as being like, I have big boobs and they're fake. I hope you like it. It's just like one picture would be more than enough to, to determine that. And I don't think. Give us more.

Yeah, because right now it all seems like your entire identity and who you are is your big balloon boobs. And I don't want to date big balloon boobs. I want to date a person. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like if that person has big balloon boobs, you know, probably not for me, but still like whatever. That's going to matter far less than who the person is so on your profile tell me who the person is yeah let me know who's attached to those big balloon boobs yeah that's it we did it it's not it but it's mostly we still got some news and then we

got some bad sex writing i don't know who sticks around for that part you better because i work hard you do i want to say firstly uh we have had a few people up their Patreon subscriptions lately. And I want to shout you out because that's amazing. And we really, really massively appreciate it. It's just a huge compliment. And, like, it makes our day. And I just really want to say thank you for that, first off. I also want to say thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvard Cities for Songpaper Stars.

You got some bad sex writing for us? Sure. Aside from that, if you do want to go over to our Patreon, it's patreon.com forward slash fbuddies. You can support us in a variety of ways. And you can even get our access to our secondary podcast, Pillow Talk, which has a last day of the month release date. And you'll get all our back catalog of that as well. And if you go onto our website, you can submit questions and we will always answer them. And it is fbuddiespodcast.com.

And I got some bad sex writing. This was a note somebody found on their car. Ooh. Who am I? Just some who hopes brightens your day by reminding you of how beautiful you are. Who am I? I am the one who wonders if I would ever be so lucky. Who am I?

I am the one that daydreams about you a little more than I should. Smiley face. Who am I? Probably a little more broken than others. Who am I? I am probably someone who doesn't deserve your precious time. Who am I? I am the one who would disappoint you if you knew who I was.

Damn. That's fucking terrifying man yeah i hate that all i could be thinking was like that i can't remember the name of the the next lyric though it's like the who am i is that that song yeah it is that song isn't it yeah that's all i could think of the whole time i don't know i'm I'm not sure either. It was certainly those two songs. If they're not the same one would get mashed up at the underground all the time. Um, yeah, I hate that.

And I don't think the way to anyone's heart is cryptic letters in which you paint yourself in worse and worse. Yeah. Like, like, I don't think anyone's going to be like, Ooh, a broken man. Ooh,

a man who would disappoint me if I knew who his vague identity. He's not broken. He's just more broken than others. OK. And he knows where you live and he watches you and he thinks about you more than he should. And all the cool things that you want from a stranger leaving notes on your car. Yeah, please, guys, please don't do this. Please don't go back to the 1927s where people apparently knew how to write dating profiles.

Yeah, it's wild. I'm so disappointed. I thought you were going to come with some fresh hell and it was just disappointing. It was like the 1920s aren't angry ass. They're just disappointed. Yeah, really. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Miles Payne.

We've been your folk buddies.