F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 225 - Stephanie, Come Get Your Boyfriend

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

If you get real desperate for a date, I highly recommend you swing by the Wal-Mart boyfriend lost and found.  Topics include labeling what belongs to you, AirPod espionage, afraid to add sex into the perfect relationship stew, body shaming dynamics, assuming you're dating a Chill Guy™.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations.

Oh God. I took them into sexy, sticky situations. Killing it. Absolutely killing it. Simply put, we are a sex and dating advice podcast that either sources questions from the wild, wild web, or we find them from our wonderful, wild web, or we find them from our wonderful wild listeners, such as yourself. I never understood why they panned that movie from Will Smith.

Wild, wild web, yeah, I know. Well, everyone hated it. I don't get it. I thought it was pretty fun, outside of the non-stop ableist jokes. Yeah, well, like, I think our appearance in it was really good we start stealing all those questions we're the villains i want to make a show where the villain it's just like two people making podcasts or two groups making podcasts if one of them just keeps stealing each other's ideas we could do that if there's a podcast out there that wants to steal

that idea so we can have beef let's yeah and then we can make a documentary because people right now i've noticed people love documentaries about really stupid shit that doesn't really matter right like if you make it like f1 racing nobody cares whoa but you make a fucking documentary about it and you put a couple attractive race car drivers who like to go fast in their little cars now all of a sudden everyone loves F1 racing. We can't keep coming for F1. Well, actually, I guess we can, because everyone who likes it has already tuned out long, long ago. Yeah, exactly. Are you ready for a question?

Yeah. Pick a number between one and the third number. Three. Okay. This is by Based Alaskan. My, male 26, girlfriend, female 21, wants me to write her name in Sharpie on my stomach before I go out. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, and I love her more than anything. We've spent almost every day of the past year together, so much so I rarely hang out with any of my other friends anymore.

And if I do, she tags along. There's a show I've been looking forward to going to, and she's unable to make it, so I'm going solo with some friends. Up until today, she acted like it wouldn't be a problem. Until this morning. She said she doesn't want me going out unless I sharpie her name right above my dick. I thought it was ridiculous and childish. I've never cheated, nor would I, with the person I love so much. Now I've been arguing all day because I won't do it and she thinks I'm going to be unloyal because of it. I'm just looking for advice because it's ruining my day and I don't want to be with someone that can't trust me. I have enough faith in our

relationship that I'd never ask her to do that if she wanted to go out with some friends by herself, but apparently the feeling isn't mutual. She's gone partying without even telling me before and I wasn't even upset. I trust her and love this girl more than anything. I mean, we've said it a million times. If you don't trust your partner, you shouldn't be with them. I know that in this case, the partner is not trusting you, but I think you need to posit that to them flip it around and say if you don't trust me then we shouldn't be together if you absolutely think that i there's no way that i could be outside of your cone of vision and not fuck someone else then you it's a huge disrespect to me it's a huge disrespect to our relationship and it also shows that you're not ready to trust someone.

And the best relationships are the foundation is trust. And if it's not there, then it's like, what the hell are we doing? What are we building right now? Because anything it is, anything we're erecting here, anything we're building together is going to crumble because our foundation is not one of trust. Now, you do make a really good point by saying that we always say if you don't trust your partner why are you with them or you know don't be with them but we do also say

every episode if you don't trust your partner get them to write your name right above their genitals so conflicting principles here the thing is is i support that that you should be doing everyone yeah like essentially when you get into a relationship with someone you need to treat them like it is an article of clothing that you had as a child like an elementary school that your parents probably spent a lot of money and didn't want to lose right so like a a really cool hat or you know a backpack so you do have to write your name on those things should you find your partner with someone else you could be like ah nice try you dirtbag i've already wrote my name on it and then

you can you know pick them up and carry them home yeah when he just like wanders off like he gets distracted by some legos or something at least you know which one's yours at the lost and found partners um yes when the the walmart employee finds someone has to get on the intercom and be like uh yes we found a uh caucasian male with a red hat uh stephanie stephanie if you could come get your boyfriend please stephanie like eight white girls are like damn is that me exactly you know i think the real issue with this question is that after a year it shouldn't just be permanent marker anymore. You should sew it into them.

Right. Cause they're not quite. Yeah. Tattoos year three. And then chipping is four. So like, I'm wondering why they haven't moved on to the stitching. That's like,

everything is the longer you're together, more permanent is. And like, you could pull threads out if you wanted to. Right. It's not hard to, to like unseam something. Is that what it's called? I believe it is, yes. Good job.

Thank you. It's very unseemly to do. Obviously, this is all a joke, and this is so garbage, and what Dane says stands. It's like you can't have a relationship if you're not trusted in even the most basic way. You also can't have a relationship

if you don't have a life outside of them. So if there's no trust, no life outside of them, and just blatant disrespect, and let's be fair, wildly inappropriate thing to request, this needs to stop immediately or the relationship needs to stop immediately. Yeah, we actively talk about how we're not property of our partners

and you're literally treating another human being like it is your property like that's what that's what this is you do with things right you write your name on it you get a label maker and put your name on it so someone doesn't steal the stapler off your work desk you don't put your name on someone or demand that someone put their name on or their name your name on them and be like you're my property that sucks that this is just a bad play because what you're saying is like you can do nothing for this man you just have to hope that inevitably when he cheats on you the girl sees a name written above his genitals on his stomach thinks wait a minute that must be his partner

and then has the decency to be like i will not claim what is stephanie's so it's like you're not even like trusting your partner in at all in the plan it's just a stranger who's cheating on him hopefully you're hoping they see the name and are decent what like just just none of this is good if that's the only your last ditch effort to not have your boyfriend cheat on you is have your name near his dick like it's not a good situation you're in and you touched on it briefly and we've talked about it before so i won't get too into it is is you spent almost every day together for a year or two years or whatever it was that is a long time and that is a lot of each other.

And I get it. Spending time with the person you love is great, but also you need time apart. You need time to yourself. And if you don't have that time, you don't have a chance to develop yourself. And then you become codependent and a codependent relationship is a bad one. It doesn't matter under what circumstances, if you guys require each other to function, you are in a bad one it doesn't matter under what circumstances if you guys require each other to function you are in a bad relationship just flat out you're just fucking yourself over in a number of ways as well because if this doesn't work out you're gonna find friends increasingly less and less likely to welcome you back with open arms when you've just abandoned them for a year yep and even if they do you're gonna feel awkward because they're going to talk about

all the rad things they did the last year that you weren't there for. Best case, they're like, hell yeah, come out, buddy. And then you feel like an asshole because they all went to Peru without you or they went to three comedy shows that, you know, like it's you're going to fuck yourself over because if things go south and by the sounds of it, very possible in this relationship, you won't have friends. And that's how people end up in their 20s with no mates. And that's very hard to rectify at that point.

So do yourself a favor. Do your relationship a favor. Because time spent with your loved one, as Dane said, is great. It's better if you have breaks to really come back to them and enjoy it. You know what I mean? It's like hunger is the best sauce. If you're never hungry, eating food's not going to be that great. If you don't get time apart from the people you love, coming back

to them isn't great. Enjoy yourself. Be with your friends. Trust your partner. And don't let them fucking scrawl on you like you're a fucking seven-year-old pencil case. No, no, I don't like to do this on air, but I do have to disagree with you. Cadillac gold is the best sauce.

That's true. That's true. Damn, I want that so bad. I want them so bad. I can't believe you mentioned that it's wing night, and now all I've been thinking about, and then you did it again. Fuck you. Now I did it again.

Fuck you. Hit me with another one. My questions, I don't love. I'll just fucking go, man. I got so many. I know. You know what? Let's keep it.

Let's keep it in the distrustful zone. This deleter has, this deleter, this user has deleted themselves. Probably because, well, I don't know. It's a good question. And everything got resolved and everything is okay. Perfect. I guess they're not the, anyway. Just found out my girlfriend has been tracking my location through the AirPods she's bought me.

Don't know if I can let it slide. Let me preface this by saying I've never cheated or given her any reason to believe I have. There are times after arguments I can become distant, but I've always been transparent with her. She bought me these AirPod Pros as a gift last week. Even though I was curious why she bought them when I hadn't asked for headphones, we do tend to gift each other like this throughout the year, so it's not that random. They were brand new, at least that's what it looked like. Still had the wrap on the box, so I'm assuming she went out of her way to re-wrap it.

During the week, I was getting tons of, your AirPods can be seen by the owner notifications, and when I went to configure them, I realized her iCloud was connected to them. She doesn't use AirPods, so I know this wasn't her passing me an old pair. I have a gut feeling it was intentional to see my location. I haven't disconnected her account yet, but I will today to see her reaction. Thing is, I don't want to lose this girl because personally our relationship has been so good and I feel as though she's out of my league, lol. But I can't justify her doing this. Am I being too drastic confronting her or should I just charge it to the game

and disconnect her account and just act like nothing ever happened? Edit. If it helps, a month ago she was heavily insisting that for safety reasons we both share our locations together. I told her I didn't feel comfortable doing it, so we're in a relationship. Is it possible she created the assumption of me hiding something or being unfaithful for disagreeing?

I think the double edit is, or the first edit is important, because there's, like, it's already bad, and then that makes it worse. Yeah, because originally my stance was, like, it might just be a thing that, like, I don't know how these work, but, like, maybe they set it up for you in the store. Yeah.

And I've looked into it and they can. So you can have it registered to your account before it's even out of the box. Yeah. So that was my thing. It was just like, hey, maybe it is just one of those things where while they were buying it, the Apple smart guy genius, Apple genius was like, I could get these set up for you. Bingo. And like they did that and it was just easier to put on her account and whatever. No malicious intent.

Add into the new the mix when you throw the edit into the pot of being like she's already asked to share locations. It becomes a little bit less likely that it is an innocent yeah or at least it is it's now i i would believe it to be a possibility far more um i do not think that you should try to play i mean like if we want to play like go to weird places and see if she says anything go sit outside of like a massage parlor for half an hour one day on your lunch break and do that for a week and just get some fresh air while you while you have your lunch and see if she says anything. Just like and be like, no, it's just a really cool bench that I like to sit at. Double edit influenced by some of you. I handed it to a friend to duper into thinking I'm somewhere else.

And we'll come by later to see if she confronts me about my location or not. Okay. Is there a triple edit? There's not a triple edit. And they have deleted their account. So who knows what happened next. So, like, I don't think, I think it's funny. And as a third party where this doesn't really affect me at all i think that's an

interesting experiment but as someone who wants to ensure that you have a successful loving relationship i wouldn't suggest it i would suggest however having a conversation and being like hey i noticed that uh the airpods are registered to you and that you can see my location and i just want to make sure that like i know you asked about this before but are you like is this a way to keep tabs on me and i think being upfront and honest about it is a great way because you will quickly find i think most people are not good enough at lying or being called out that brazenly right i think anyone or most people would kind of crumble at that and i think there'd be a lot of ums, uhs,

scattered responses. And if you just press the subject, people just like, look, I already told you I'm not comfortable with this. It is saying that you're tracking me. So I, I would just want to know,

like, is this why you did this? Is this why I got a gift? Because I don't feel comfortable that every time I get a gift from you or we do something nice to each other, I don't want to assume that there's an ulterior motive that sucks and I think being honest and open about it is the best way to do it because the two ways it can go in my opinion are she's like I mean I guess there's three there's she just says nope didn't even think about it they set it up at the store and I didn't know

your email address cool two she says yes that's why I did it I'm really sorry I understand it's a breach of trust I won't do it again. And you guys hatch it out. Or she gets really shady about it and either gets super defensive or heavily denies it or any of that kind of stuff. And then at that point, you kind of have to determine if this is something you want to pursue. And going back to everything, if in the third scenario, you don't trust what she said then maybe don't keep seeing her yeah i'm i'm imagining that it'll go wait what no and like innocent and like on and then almost very quickly as she starts to settle into the situation get more and more defensive and

accusatory because that's how a lot of guilty people act. But like, I don't really think it is a bad thing to, I would be very curious. I would want to give it a week and see if, as Dane said, if I went to a massage parlor or something like dodgy or went out of my way, would I get called on it? Because the curiosity would, would kill me. And it's like, if you have a very easy way to do something that looks weird, I would give it a week. The the curiosity would kill me and like the possibility of them lying i would really want to know if they are actually tracking my location and if they are i think i would end that relationship then and there because that's such a shit thing to do considering you've already talked about it such a gross violation of privacy and it's doing it in such a fucked up way i would i would be out then and there if if there was proof

of that if you guys hadn't already talked about it i think there'd be a little bit of leeway of like overstepping bouts like i agree it's a breach of trust and privacy regardless of what it is but if someone is just like in their head like oh i just want to make sure they're safe or whatever i think it's pretty fucked up but it just gets worse when they're blatantly ignoring what you've already discussed because then they don't give a fuck about your input either yeah i think it's pretty bad even if that's what they're doing without talking to you but it's so much worse if they have anytime you say oh hey i'm not comfortable with that or no i don't want to do that or blah blah blah it's like

are you just going to ignore it like what's the point of having conversations what's the point of being having an open line of communication about things and stuff that matters and our boundaries if you're not going to listen? If you're just going to do it anyway in a sneakier fashion. Yeah, exactly. How are you going to live your life going forward? It's going to be like one of those toxic two spies dating each other movies where they just keep fucking each other over in more creative ways. It's like it's like i don't know well now that sounds fun niall does sound fun in a movie but not in a life uh so yeah and also if she's weird about taking it off her account or anything you also know there's an issue here but i think you really need to as dane said bring it up i

don't think there's any harm because you don't care that she knows your location for another week right i don't think there's any harm in playing with it a little bit and actually just seeing also it's very possible she's cheating on you and is using this as a way to know when you're not going to be home yeah maybe i mean maybe leave them at work one day and come home at work yeah but again like i i don't know i don't want to promote that because that promotes like it's it's like game playing. I know. Yeah. But like the best thing is like you can take them off right now.

Like you said, you can cancel them from the like disconnect your account from them. So it's like you can do that at any point, but you need to have the conversation. Yeah. And then be able to be ready to make the hard choice of being like you didn't respect my privacy. You didn't respect my boundaries.

All these things are bad and very rarely are they a one-time thing yes and that's the thing something like this i will guarantee to you right now is not a one-time thing yeah you don't even know what else is like maybe there's a tracker on your car those things are super for sure yeah yeah or even like the the little like i i uh whatever they're called the little like iphone tracker things that people have been getting a lot of trouble over in america just like slipping them in people's pockets i would not be able to trust somebody who did this i would be like then and they are out so don't be afraid to make those hard calls right for another one yep also deleted she wanted to wait before having sex so we can connect mentally now she's ready but i'm not sure if I am.

We're both in our 20s. We've been dating for a few months, and honestly, in all my past relationships, sex has happened immediately and easily. But with her, it's different. She asked for time to connect, be emotionally intimate, and feel comfortable with each other before we actually have sex. Honestly, I said, sure, but we are dating anyways, and I figured, I'm sure it'll be worth the wait,

and sometimes sex can complicate things, so why not? But honestly, sex was big on my mind. I figured, sure, I'll wait a bit and see what she's about. She explained she's demisexual, which I had to read to understand. So we waited two to three months, and although I admittedly wanted to make moves, I respected the boundary and just connected, although it was annoying to work with at first. She took me by surprise, because we started doing things I never enjoyed or even experienced with, without sex clouding things. We would stay up late and talk, and I mean really talk, about who we wanted to be and what we shared our views on deep past traumas. We had days where we

would have nap dates, naps in her room with movies. When something good happened, we were the first person to share with each other. We shared our goals, came up with plans to how to help the other person reach them. She even held me when I cried, and I held her when she was scared. We took a bath together, with no sex. She washed my back and kissed my shoulders and we listened to our favorite songs and fell asleep in the warm water. I even let her pop my pimples when she asked. She met my parents and they love her. She showed me things I needed to unlearn and grow from and with and I'm focused on being a better man. She's the only woman I realized I didn't have to try with and I could just relax and just be. No games, no presentation, no trying to earn affection. Just be.

Last night was my birthday and I spent the day with her. We cuddled and played video games. We made out. We even had a small conflict and talked our way through it. We stayed up late drinking coffee and relaxing. She lived an hour away and asked me to spend the night. She let me know she's ready to have sex. After two months.

But I told her not tonight. She was confused and honestly so was I. I realized sex in the past complicated things. I had such a good day with her, I wanted to stay connected and just enjoy it all without clouding it today. I'm a guy. I have a high sex drive and I'm highly attracted to it, but sex isn't a priority anymore. And now I'm hesitant because I don't want to ruin it or cause an imbalance on what we were enjoying and building. We aren't even official yet, but we aren't talking to anyone else or seeing anyone else. What's going on? What's wrong with me? Huh? This is a really interesting

question for me because i think there's a lot of layers and i think there's a lot of things to talk about first this sounds incredible this sounds very very lovely i think the downside to this is that you've now put sex sort of on a pedestal not even on a pedestal it doesn't sound like you're because that that's not the end goal I think what you've done now is kind of like the reverse of things where you're now worried that sex is going to diminish all these lovely connections you've made. And I think that in and of itself is indicative of your past sexual history, right? Where you, I guess, never had this kind of connection, emotional and, uh, you know, mental connection with someone where your, your sex was probably what kept the relationship going. And like the sex drive was probably like the core

of the relationship. And now you have this, uh, this really lovely, uh, meaningful relationship with someone else. And you're worried that adding something into the mix is going to break it. And I think that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I think it's a lot of pressure to put on both of you. So I would say my advice to you is try not to overthink it. And I know that's an incredibly difficult thing to do, but I think that you need to listen to yourself i think doing what you did is a very very positive thing i think it's a very brave thing i think it's a very hard thing to be like i've wanted to fuck you for two months and now i want to make sure

like do a check-in with myself and make sure that when we do it it's it's going to be what i want i think that's i think that's indicative of some pretty solid growth and introspection. That being said, I think at this point in time, it needs to be on the table at all times. And I don't mean that you should be ready to have sex always. Or you should want to have sex always. But I think that you have to do two things. You can't plan it. I don't think.

I don't think you should be like, Hey, today's have sex Tuesday at seven 30. Yes. I've never good. I think that's, I mean, there's a time and a place for that. Very rarely.

But I think that, um, you need to, to just be like, okay, when you're in the mood, be like, Hey,

I would like to have sex with you and follow through with it. And just know that that is now on the table and now an option. And do it when you're ready and you're both feeling it. As opposed to try to manufacture a time where this is the big moment. We're going to light all the candles. We're going to put on the music. We're going to do that. It might be the middle of an afternoon when you just got your ass beat an elden ring and you're taking a

break and you're just kind of like you know the light hits are in the perfect way you're like okay i need to fuck you like we need to have sex right now and that might be like that might be it right but i think trying to manufacture anything else i think it's going to put way too much pressure and way too much weight on it and that is that is how it will go bad, I think. Yeah, I think one of the problems here is you're putting too much weight on sex. Because, like, sex doesn't change anything unless you're willing to have it change stuff. You have the power to have sex and keep things good. People do it all the time. Arguably, you have the power to have sex and make things so much better because you will only get more intimate and more connected. And, you know, I think it's important to remember that sex doesn't have its own

like power to just change things. The control is still with you because I think a lot of the time people assign all this weight and importance to sex and then, you know, they get scared of it. And that's not what it is, which is this fun or not what it should be, which is this fun, like physical act that two people do. They can bring them really close. So I think it's important for you to remember that it has no power, you don't give it. And secondly, this person seems to be wonderful. You seem to be able to open up to each other in a lot of ways. And she was pretty clear with you where she stands with sex. I say,

return the favor and tell her, hey, the other day I wanted to have sex with you. Honestly, just things are so incredible that it kind of caught me off guard. And I was worried that, you know, it might change things because things are really good. And then at least she'll know where you're coming from. And hopefully you guys could talk together and reassure each other and move forward because it sounds like you guys are already there. And this is only fair to her because I'm sure she's a little confused if you haven't explained what happened the other night and also then at least she knows where you're coming from that she means a lot to you etc um so i think there's no harm in doing that and don't forget that sex isn't just pen or shiv of penis and vagina

you guys pump away until you've come like that's not sex that's part of sex that is a sexual or sexual act but maybe you start slow maybe it starts with mutual masturbation maybe it starts with you guys just going down on each other maybe it just starts with i don't know how it sounds like like kissing and making out is probably as far as you've gone so maybe you just take a day and just like kind of get to know each other's bodies because you haven't done that yet. And that's, that's something, a big part of a good sexual relationship is really understanding how each other works and ticks and you know, where everything is and what, what you like. So I don't think there's any harm and you've already taken it really slow. Maybe take it slow moving into sex as well. Maybe take a day and be like instead of a nap date it's a foreplay date and you guys just kind of like play

around with each other and i promise you that will in and of itself almost naturally lead into sex because i think you guys are going to get so absolutely fucking horny for each other that even if the plan is to just go down on each other, finger each other, hand jobs, all that kind of good stuff. I think there's going to be a tipping point of just being like, OK, we need to do this. We got to do this. I need you. I want you. And I think that's a great position to be in where you let passion and attraction and all those things inform your decisions instead of getting too too up in your head about it and like also if it doesn't

lead to sex i think all the better because as dean said you're gonna get to learn each other's bodies you're gonna get to like build that tension and still have a lot of fun it's like if you come from someone's hand or mouth it's still coming it's still wonderful you know and you're gonna get to know each other be more comfortable and the more you know each other and the more comfortable you are, the better the sex is going to be. You just need to step away from this, this thought that sex itself is this negative force because it's not. Yeah. And as I was saying before, maybe take a really hard look at your past sexual relationships and think about why that, why you're maybe putting a little too much weight

or why you're scared to introduce sex to this. Because if it is a matter of perhaps you weren't sexually compatible with a partner, maybe you struggled with stress and performance issues or anxiety, any of that kind of stuff. Those are all great things to talk to your partner about, especially if, if you guys have waited this long and there might be something, you know, like weighing on your mind. It sounds like you guys can talk about shit. So talk about it. Don't be afraid. Be like, hey, I'm a little nervous or hey, I'm very excited, but there's something I don't know what it is. And then just work through it together. That's a great position to be in

in a sexual relationship. If you already starting being confident, talking about sex, whatever it is, and then just, just follow your gut instinct. It sounds like you have given everything else a chance. So don't run away. The second sex is on the table, give it a chance as well. The same amount of trust and time you've given everything else, uh, your sex and your sexual life and relationship with this person requires that same sort of time and ability to breathe and explore. So do that. Don't run away from it.

So yeah, good luck. Again, do your best to step away from this toxic mindset of sex having its own negative power and talk to your partner because it sounds like you already can. So capitalize on that. Use that. And I hope you guys have the best sex. Yeah. All right. This is by Nefariousness Top 9062. Girl I've been talking to called me skinny. So I've been talking to this girl for about a month or so. We get along really well. We matched on a dating app and now frequently text and call.

Due to her work, we haven't been able to meet up, but we have a date set for next week. Anyway, sometimes we send photos of whatever we are doing to each other. On more than one occasion, she has commented on how skinny I am, which I know. I'm 177 centimeters tall and 67 kilograms. I've always found it difficult to gain weight, but I've been working hard to do so. Last year, I was only 57, so I've made a ton of progress. Naturally, the comments she makes really get to me. First few times, I would ignore it or laugh it off, but most recent she said i looked twig like it's really annoyed me so i sent a

message along the lines of i'd appreciate if you stopped making comments like that as i find them quite hurtful now since i've sent that she stopped initiating texts it's pretty much one word or one sentences back that are killing the conversation doesn't seem interested anymore she also mentioned she's a doctor and prides herself on being considerate of others was i wrong to react the way i did should i just laughed it off? What do you guys reckon I should do now? No, hell yeah, dude. I think that's fucking ballsy as hell.

Yep. I think you made the right choice. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. If someone makes comments about your body that you're not comfortable with, and man, woman, everyone outside of it, in between, it doesn't matter. If someone makes comments about your body, you are 100% in your right to be like, be like hey not a big fan of that and i would like to ask that in the future you don't make those kind of comments it sounds like you were polite it sounds you were respectful

it sounds like you were honest and direct i don't know what else you could want from someone you are interested in to do that i would love to know if she apologized i know i could see her saying skinny and not meaning it in a bad way and it coming off in a bad way and i get that but i can't exactly see her saying twig like in any way that is positive i feel like that is like that there's no good connotations to that and i wonder is it some kind of nagging thing or i don't know it's i think it's pretty shitty so one fair play for you for sticking up yourself two like fuck her a little bit for that. That's not cool.

And three, it's like if she can't take you being kind and setting boundaries, fuck it. If she doesn't like you shouldn't probably want to date her after this. That's the thing. And like, I get it. You know, there is this online date drought. It is difficult for dudes to get dates and to get attention and to get matches and stuff because of the things we've talked about in the past the fact that these apps actually make and manufacture a false drought for men so that you pay for their apps and yada yada

so i get the fear of being like fuck should i have just let this woman make fun of me so that i could have gone on a date and maybe get a girlfriend or maybe have sex like that's like that like that shouldn't be our state of of being as a guy you're also always taught to like suck it up don't get offended don't let people get to you like especially with like comments about your physical appearance you know what i mean you're not allowed to be upset by that you're not allowed to you know so i get it it's like you feel like a fucking asshole both in that you are doing what you shouldn't be doing and then you also feel like you're being like a little coward or less of a man like it sucks but you're socialized to deal with that shit and like suck it up so you did a really hard thing fair play though you did the right thing you did the right thing and it's like if this person is either so fragile that they can't take kind

boundaries or so into toxic masculinity that she feels like as a man you shouldn't do like fuck that you don't want this person and like it may not feel like it but a bad date or seeing a bad person is far worse than no dates yeah you chose you in this scenario and that is the most important thing because and i will tell you this boosting your confidence on stuff like that, and trusting yourself and taking care of yourself and putting yourself first in these kind of situations will only make you more attractive to the right people. Yeah, the people who would actually respect your boundaries because i i really really want to know what her response was because we've heard that like oh since that happened she hasn't been all that interested yada yada but like did she apologize when you said it or was it just like okay right because i think that really really lends itself onto like what you do after that as

well obviously this person has whatever like taken a fence to being called out and i know a lot of women have a hard time processing that because it doesn't happen a lot you know yeah there's a lot of especially online dating yeah i feel like a lot of women have a mentality that like because men are hey well we've said it here we all know it men are fairly fucking shit in a lot of ways, especially in the dating sphere. So it's like women have to trawl through so much shit on the daily. And we all know it. And I think a lot of the time they then feel like women can do no wrong.

And I don't think they like to be called out when they do because all of a sudden it's like all those times are like, man, fucking suck in the dating world. It's like, oh shit, now I'm the one that sucks. And a lot of people can't deal with that you know like we've called out women for fucking sticking their hands down their trousers at bars and then when you try to like be like yeah you're like oh it can't be creepy i'm a girl and you're like yes it fucking can it's like it doesn't matter and they get so upset so i think it might be that kind of thing which again you don't want to be with someone who's like unwilling to admit that they're doing something wrong. So I think it's, it's important to say, and this goes for both and all genders, but I think it's important to, to talk about in this sense, women, if you

make comments about a man's body and he asks you not to, please have a little bit of empathy and think about all the times that people have made comments about your body that you didn't like and it is the exact same situation and we can talk about you know historical and societal pressures that are put on women but we can talk about those as well for men yeah and let me tell you we talk a lot less about it for men yeah and we never wanted to be like an either or you know we're not like oh men have it. And we never want it to be like an either or, you know, we're not like, oh, men have it tough. So we're not like, no, we can like help everybody. It shouldn't just be like, oh yeah, let's, let's stop people being shitty to women. Let's fucking do that. But let's also stop people being shitty to men and everything in between and outside of, I don't want to talk

in binaries, even though situations like this, it is easy to fall into that trap. So I'm sorry if that seems like what I'm doing. Everybody deserves the right to not have people put them down and comment on their body in ways like this. So let's not exclude other people from the conversation when we're fighting for ourselves, you know? Yeah. And everyone has the right to dictate the language that we use about their body as well.

And it's like, if you're not cool with that if for whatever reason you get annoyed by that or if you get triggered by that or if you get upset by that then that is a you problem that you need to reflect on and be like hey why do i think it's okay to do this because there is no good answer and if your answer is well it's happened to me that's a bad shit yeah yeah that's it's it's not a good answer so if your answer is well it's happened to me that's a bad yeah yeah that's it's it's not a good answer so come up with something else and if you want to i'm happy to talk about this i'm very you know the the idea of men's mental image of arms of ourselves is is a really important topic to me because you know i know a lot of dudes who suffer through

body dysmorphia i know a lot of dudes who have eating disorders. It is more common in men than you think. And it was also something we literally never talked about in the early 90s up into the 2000s when we talked a lot about anorexia and bulimia and all those things. The conversation was predominantly about women, mostly because of like the fashion industry and the way that was influencing women uh through

media and again we know that it's a gigantic problem for women and we're not in any way downplaying that at all and we fully support making this better but at the same time even today it's like there have been times where things have been mentioned and people are like men don't have that and you're like what really you're you're gonna stand there and say that and it's not bad enough i've once had a woman tell me that enough men haven't killed themselves over uh body issues for it to matter which is wild considering the level of suicide in men is just so high so one of the craziest things anyone's ever said to me also a very fucked up thing because even if one person killed themselves for i'm gonna count that as too many too many too many people if if self-esteem is the cause of death that is too many that the number

should be zero yeah um so i know we actively try not to have a us versus them mentality and now made a very good point of being like, this isn't a pissing contest. This isn't the misery Olympics of being like, well, you know, we understand you're going through it, but there's this, it's like,

no, we have to look at the big picture of being like body dysmorphia and body images and all these problems surrounding how we feel about our bodies affects everyone. They affect everyone differently. And the root causes of them are different. Do we look at men differently in the media? Absolutely. Does the way media portray men affect men differently than the way the media portrays

women and how it affects women? Absolutely. And now that we're finally getting representation of, you know, trans bodies and non-binary bodies and things like that in the media, those are now going to have as much as we love to see representation. We also have to be very, very careful that that representation is fair and honest and positive, kind and positive, because we have to make sure that we don't just sit there and be like, oh, wow, that's, you know, I would never would have guessed that was a

dude. You know what I mean? Like that, I think that kind of conversation when we start seeing trans bodies and it's one i hear a lot where i have to like actually talk to people who i know are allies but forget that like people in the media are not consumable objects if that makes sense the way that we do and have done with pretty much everyone in the media always, where it's like, they're not up for like, that is a human being doing a thing, and it's not

up to us to deconstruct their physical appearance for any purpose. A rising tide floats all boats, so it's like, the little shithead who's like, fat-shaming people and commenting on women's bodies and being shitty, it's like the little shithead who's like fat shaming people and commenting on women's bodies and being shitty it's like i think they would be better if they didn't live with the fear

of their own body as well so i think if you're helping women and if you're helping men you're helping everybody like everybody is then more likely to anyway i think we all hopefully are on the same page here and we just just want positivity, inclusivity for everybody. And like, let's not do things like this. And if for whatever reason you have done something like this, I'm hoping you didn't mean poorly by it. People make mistakes. People can use clumsy word choices. People can be ignorant, whether that's malicious or not.

If somebody calls you out like this, have the grace to be like, I am sorry. And to move on and to atone for that, you know? Don't you out like this have the grace to be like i am sorry and to move on and to to atone for that you know don't be shitty like this because even if they said sorry if their recourse then is to be cold and distant and like one word text and disinterested like that's not sorry actions speak louder than words can't just say sorry and then be shitty, right? Yep. I just want people to be good out there. Nice. Be nice. This is by Cool Andrew.

Today I, 28-year-old male, learned that my girlfriend, 27-year-old female, goes and has been going on hiking trips with her ex for the past six months we've been together. Me and my girlfriend, let's call her Anna. I've been together for six months. She's an experienced hiker and goes on a lot of weekend hikes without me. I'm a bit of a couch potato, but she knew that since day one, has not had a problem with that, just as I don't have a problem with her going with her friends on hiking trips

without me. We've talked about us doing a hiking trip together so I can share this with her, and because it also sounds fun. But just me and her, something easy to start me out, because her and her friends are kind of experienced and it's clear I can't keep up. She has this ex-boyfriend, let's call him Dan, with whom she was together for two years. It was the love of her life at the time, but it ended two to three years before we met. This was the guy who introduced her to hiking and that was their thing and they used to go on lots of hikes together. I get that. I had a thought we were going to marry and grow old together, but it ended years ago sort of relationship as well. Two if you count my

girlfriend at 17. Today she told me, totally casual, that she wasn't going to go on her hike next week because Dan's current girlfriend, call her Lisa, is uncomfortable with him going hiking with his ex, Anna, my girlfriend. As my girlfriend told me, now Dan, my girlfriend's ex, and Lisa, his girlfriend, fought hard because Dan thinks Lisa is overreacting as he and Anna have been broken up for years and there's nothing going on between them. Anna also says there's nothing going on between them but Anna also says there's nothing going on between them, but that she, my girlfriend, 100% understands why Lisa would not be uncomfortable with this, because Dan is going on a trip with his ex, a trip on which Lisa is not coming,

and that, although Lisa has nothing to be worried or jealous about, she is justified in having these feelings, because they are feelings, subjective, not rational, and if Lisa has these feelings, Dan should be considerate of them and not go. Dan still thinks Lisa's thoughts and feelings are unjustified, so my girlfriend decided not to go herself because she agrees with Lisa. So after listening patiently, I say, wait, so you're going hiking with your ex, the one who introduced you to hiking and it was your thing? Her. Yes. Me. And all the times we've been together, the friends you were going with included your ex? Her. Yeah, but there were other people there. We're all friends. Me. Okay, you

don't think you should have mentioned this? I mean, we've talked a lot about your hiking trips and you mentioned your good friend Maria a bunch of times, so much I feel I know her. You mentioned another guy, but somehow you failed to mention him. Well, I know you're chill and stuff like that's not important to you. Me. Yes, but while it's true from your story, it's very clear it's important to you, so now I feel like you've actively been hiding this from me. Her. I wasn't hiding it, etc. I'm sure you can understand how it goes.

Yes. Essentially, his point is that unlike Lisa, he didn't get to make a decision about how he feels. She made the decision of how he feels for her by assuming he'd be cool and not mentioning it. She kept saying she knew I'd be cool with it. Why does it matter? Over and over. Didn't reach a conclusion, etc. Now, as I said, I trust her and I'm not mentioning it. She kept saying she knew I'd be cool with it. Why does it matter? Over and over. Didn't reach a conclusion, etc. Now, as I said, I trust her and I'm cool with this.

I think exes can be friends. But it's clear that he considers this important. I've no idea how to interpret this whole thing. Should I let go? Should I insist on this? Help me. Huh? I agree with a lot of the things that are being said by all of the parties.

Hmm. Right? being said by all of the parties right like i think that the the girlfriend is right to be like okay well if his partner isn't comfortable with this then i'm going to take a step back and not exacerbate the situation i think that's a very mature thing to do i think the boyfriend being upset that he didn't get to make that similar decision. Also a very valid point. Yeah. There's failings, I think, in every category. Obviously, this is something that Anna should have told the question asker, right?

I think this is something you should disclose, especially, does it say how long they've been dating? Six months. It's a fairly new relationship. And I think this is something that you definitely need to test the waters with. I think you definitely need to be like, hey, just so you know, I go on hiking trips. One of the guys that goes with me is my ex.

There's nothing going on. We go with a group of people, but he is there and he's just part of the hiking group. I just wanted you to know so it doesn't feel like I was hiding anything from you. That conversation would have been completely easy. And you would have learned that this dude hopefully would have been like hey thank you for telling me i don't have a problem with it or he could have been like that makes me a little uncomfortable and then you could have talked about it and tried to resolve the issue or it could have ended the same way that lisa and dan

had where you could have been like hi hi, that makes me really uncomfortable. Here are the reasons why. And I don't really know if that's something I'm cool with. And then again, getting to have the conversation. But it sucks to be cut out of that conversation. Yeah. And if it's a deal breaker for her, the sooner she learns, the better. And then she can make the choice to which is more important and move on with her life. And it's all great.

Now, I will say I completely understand where he's coming from because even if you would be cool in a situation it is weird to have what looks like something be specifically hidden from you yeah even if you trust your partner which like obviously he says he does it so, it's a shitty feeling to have been manipulated or lied to, even if it's just a lie by omission. And I think in a similar situation, I, despite trusting someone would be like the very clear omission is itself just massively suspicious, regardless of whether you trust them or not. It's like, it's hard not to feel that way. And it's, it's a principle thing, right? It's, it's, it's a, it's an issue of if you're doing this now, what else are you going to be comfortable not telling me about later? That's where I would sit and be like, okay, well, if you're just going to make the assumption that I'm cool with something, are you just going to do whatever you want under the assumption that I will be cool with it? Because's unfair also it's a little suspicious that she very casually starts talking about this all of a sudden when she knows full well you don't know about dan because she specifically avoided mentioning dan so it's like that's kind of a cheap way to go about this if it's either

one that you actually finally want to come clean come clean don't say it like i should know and then pretend it's not your fault that i didn't know you know what i mean or is it because something worse happened and she's trying to get ahead of it you know yeah i mean we could speculate forever so i'm saying i fully agree and also to her credit maybe at the start of the relationship, she was like, oh, it's too early to get into this X drama. I don't even know if anything's going to happen with this guy. And then as things progress, she's like, oh, fuck, I didn't mention it the first three times. Yeah, I can't now. And then it got longer.

And, you know, that could have happened. Right. It could be innocent and stupid and awkward in that way. I will say, going forward, I think you do have to press the issue a little bit in the sense that you do need to establish the boundary of being like, I understand this might have been a difficult thing to broach early on, and that it's an awkward thing,

and then as it went on, it just gets harder and harder to bring up casually. I get that. But I want to know, and I want you to agree that going forward, you're not going to make judgment calls based on how you think I will react. Right. If there's something that I need to know or something that you're doing that

you think that maybe we should talk about, I want to have that conversation and I want to have the opportunity to air how I actually feel instead of you projecting, I am chill guy TM. So therefore I will be automatically okay with this because I might be okay with it. And I probably will be okay with it, but I want to get to have that say, I want to get to make that decision without you sort of already putting me in that camp. And then when I want to fight my way out of it, you just keep being like but no you're there

but i figured you would be there because that sucks it's also kind of like asking someone out it's like you're not dating until you have the fucking like conversation so he's not okay with it until he knows about it right you know you can't be like oh you i knew you'd be okay with it's like cool but until i know i'm not so i can't be it's like what do you you know you don't get to just avoid hard things like that yeah so i i think those are the two things you need to i think you need to press the issue and have them agree to the fact that like yeah maybe they goofed a little bit and it might be hard to like pull that teeth because again we've talked about it like when people make mistakes they tend to double down on the fact that everything they did is right and it's hard to get people to acknowledge it.

I would try to not go in super confrontation. I think you need to go in with the idea and the mindset and the intention that you are negating worse fights in the future by having slightly more uncomfortable conversations before their conflicts. And I think a lot of people would be okay with that. I know if I could avoid a fight by having a half hour discussion with my partner, I would do that every time.

Yeah, it's just like a maturity thing, honestly. It's better for everybody involved. And hey, maybe do that hike sooner rather than later. If it's an important thing for her, you'll probably feel better about it. And maybe do a double date with the ex and their partner. Yeah, I mean, fuck it i i did karaoke dates with uh my ex and it's fine like like i she's one of my my big karaoke partners now and and no one really gave a shit yeah i hey i would be down but

i'm not particularly friends with a lot of my exes. So, I mean, yeah, like that's the thing is that, I mean, this is also an ex from what, 13 years ago. So time does change things. It is possible to be friends with your ex. It is. Oh yeah. Like I've bumped into my first girlfriend who let's be fair. Things did not end well.

She did fake being pregnant because she was upset at me. So that's a pretty shitty thing to do, especially because I was 15. And we're good now. It's fine. We had a drink together. No hard feelings. Before we get into tenders, we have some big news. It's not super solid news yet, but just know that Niall has manifested one of his big goals.

If you remember from our New Year's resolution chat. What did you want to do, Niall? I want to do a live show this year. And literally while we were recording that episode, I don't know if you left that part in, we were reached out to, and people inquired about us doing a live show. So if you're in Toronto, just prepare yourself.

Keep your eyes on our social media and in the podcast. We will have details. We don't have a for sure time yet, but it's going to be in February. Yes. February, we will be doing our first live show. We are very, very excited. We have some really fun things planned. And if you're in the GTA and Toronto area, we would love to see you come out,

have a good time. We'll do all of the things. Hey, if you want to fly in from the Philippines too, we got you. Yes. If you want to take, uh,

take a vacation and enjoy the Canadian winter by all means. Yeah, we have, uh, we've also been flying up with charts and Thailand. So if you're from Thailand, you want to come, I fucking love Thailand.

So we're, we're welcoming to want to come, I fucking love Thailand. So we're welcoming to all. I will say also thank you to those who are supporting us on our Patreon. We do have an extra episode every week for those in our mid-tier. Every month. We love you. Oh, every month. Jesus, sorry.

As patreon.com forward slash fbuddies, there's a $3 tier if you want to just do a little support. And then we got some higher ones. And we appreciate each and every ounce of support because it lets us do the thing, which is this. And also, if we have live shows, which we will, maybe we'll have fun props or prizes. Who knows? It gives us a chance and stops us going poor. So thank you. All right. Now let's get into some tinders because this episode is long.

I got one. It's him. He's 18 apparently. And his profile picture is him completely naked, holding a lightsaber point down. And it's the only thing obscuring his penis. Hell yes. I smoke meth. If you're looking to fuck, go somewhere else.

My dick don't work. I enjoy nice sunsets and cock a ball torture okay i mean i assume it's not a real profile i assume it's not a real profile but if it is at least you know what you're getting descriptive i will give that you know we know a lot going in is it the profile for me it is not now here the thing. We do talk about red flags. And while everything else is up to your choice, I think full on being a meth addict is a red flag because I don't think that is sustainable for a healthy relationship. That is fair. So I think I'm going to give this a two. A two?

I'm going to give it a one. I'm going to give it a one. I'm going under the assumption that this is a real profile. It takes a hard hit for the meth because I think you need to focus on sorting that out first. But I'm giving it a plus one for being honest about your kinks. Fair. I'd send you a picture of it, by the way. Perfect. Can't wait to see it.

This is Chris, 25, about me. Don't make comments about my personality, because I don't make comments about yours. Hit me up if you're trying to experience Tornado BJ. What is Tornado BJ? I don't know, but hey, let me tell you, I think I need to know. You know what? I either do or do not. Yes. Is it like Tornado BJJ?

No, I'm, in my mind, here's what I think. When someone says Tornado BJ, I'm thinking like a two-hand going opposite directions, really, really messy, really sloppy, a lot of suction. To me, that's a Tornado BJ. Is it? I don't know. Are you actually just like spinning around me? You know how the there's that game where you put the broom

handle on your forehead and you spin around and get really dizzy? Is it like that where you're sucking my dick and I'm on sort of like an elevated surface and you're running around me? What was their name again? Chris. Okay. So, apparently, did they say Majestic Tornado BJ or did they just say

Tornado BJ? This is Tornado BJ. This is like the... Apparently it's a scam. Oh. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but apparently tornado blowjobs are synonymous with scammers. But what do you scam them? I guess they ask you to pay money to like see or whatever. I don't know.

Apparently it's the thing where they lure you in with the promise of the mythical Tornado BJ and then at some point ask you for money. The fucking siren song of Tornado BJ. I mean, it worked on us. We were both like, what is it? It's a massively provocative term. You almost got us, Chris. Almost. Zero for being a scam. Zero for also, if you do specialize in Tornado BJs, not knowing it's apparently linked to scams.

This is Aaron. Toxic black male. Lives alone. Nice car. Well mannered. Good hygiene. Bonus. Only colored person at work to be recommended for racial sensitivity training.

Good lord. I'm going to play my white privilege card and pass on this. I'm not going to, I'm not going to comment on this because I feel like there is no way that I can say anything that won't be bad. I will say various things such as like, I don't know if it's a joke because the term he uses at the end is obviously not a term that's cool to use. So like, is that the joke that he's been sent in for racial sensitivity training because he you know like is it funny or is it

really just shit but i guess he can use it yeah maybe we should just pass on this one hey hey i played by card this is julie she's 41 looking for my ride or die in the meantime you know what no i'm going back to it don't list good hygiene like it's impressive, right? It's like when you say, oh, I want someone genuine and honest. It's like, yeah, we know. Well-mannered. Yeah. Fucking good hygiene.

Well-mannered. Yeah. That should be the baseline. The fact that you're listing that like it's a good thing makes me very worried. Also, if you're calling yourself toxic. Yeah, I know. It's just it's probably not-mannered. I'm giving you a 1. Still not rating it.

This is Julie. Looking for my ride or die. In the meantime, just ride, I guess. I'm fun, red, well-traveled, sex-positive, and over-gender. Not into desperate attempts to hook up. I like good communication, integrity. I'm looking for someone who owns their sexuality and knows the difference between prowess, predator,

and potato. To be clear, I am looking for the former. Tinder says I'm a year older than I am. Classic. If you're not going to chat slash meet, please delete yourself in general. Locals only. Looking for my ride or die just ride for now. I assume it's a sex joke, but it's just kind of funny. They're like, well, I guess I won't die for now.

Yes, I assume it's like, yeah, they're just looking to ride for now. I thought it was funny. It was funny, but it's funny because I because i'm like yeah no one wants you dead presumably i mean maybe uh i i really like this profile up to the point where they suggest killing yourself if you don't want to chat and meet up wait read that bit again if you're not gonna chat slash me please delete yourself in general locals only now okay i assume it's like on the app i hope yeah maybe like delete yourself from the app in general not even just don't follow and that's fair so hopefully not because that's not a funny thing to joke about um but yeah it's mostly okay i'll give it a seven i like the sex positivity

i like the it is a little generic what they're looking for, like, oh, good communication, whatever. But, like, those also are important things that are sadly missing. So I'll give them a pass for knowing those things are important. Yeah, I feel like at this point in time, like, wanting good communication shouldn't be a red flag because I feel like it is something that you do have to specify. It's not like being like, I want a good person. It's like, yes, of course you do. But you could have to specify. It's not like being like, I want a good person. It's like, yes, of course you do. But you could be a good person who's bad at communicating.

So I'll let it slide as well. I will give this, I'm going to give it a seven. If you're not telling people to kill themselves, I'm giving it a zero if you are. Yes. Depending on, I don't know how that last line is meant to be read. So that is my spread. Let's do one more. I'm going to sing us out with Anne, who is in her 80s.

Scorpio. Cat emoji. Nail painting emoji. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Tongue, like, and crossed eyes emoji. Age is just a number. All caps.

Still some juice left in this box. Anne, why? Anne. Anne, please. That cut to the core of me the thing is she could be so sweet that she's just thinking of like juice as it looked like the life you know i don't i don't think so but the the box the juice and please one, even you could be the most attractive person in the world. And I wouldn't want you to say this phrase to me. And I'm not trying to be ageist.

I'm not trying to shame this woman for trying to get her fucking freak on at 80. And I love you. Good for you. But there's got to be a fucking better way to say what you're saying. In fact, I know that there is. But that being said, giving this a fucking 10 because I hope she gets it. We can only hope so. I hope you're out there just fucking slaying,

slaying Rod. I hope they've juiced your box. Yeah, I hope your box is drained dry. Ugh. Like saying that out loud may be uncomfortable. Thank you very much for listening, friends. It has been an absolute pleasure. We've had a blast. We love you. And we can't thank you enough for for listening friends it has been an absolute pleasure we've had a blast we love you and we can't thank you enough

for all the support and we cannot wait to see your lovely faces in person next month yeah we're very excited it's going to be a lot of fun so if you're in any way tempted titillated curious come out it's going to be a blast and we love you guys

thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars. And I do have some bad sex writing to sing us out. Perfect. This is from A Cornucopia of Dunderheads by John Kennedy Toole Jr. Even though the area was warm, Myrna's breasts felt very cold, like ice. And her nipples had stiffened because of that. Myrna told herself they were soldiers, erect, ready to do battle for the sake of the revolution.

And, if necessary, to die for it. Huh. Now I wonder, this is the real question, I'm not sure how it is, I wonder if your boobs can get, cause you know, like, you could be fine, but your hands be really cold. Or your feet be really cold. I wonder if your, like, just your boobs, they're still extremities, right? Can they just get cold? It's possible.

Could happen. Especially if your nipples have to fight in a revolution hell yeah hey let me tell you i always salute my little titty soldiers godspeed little guys and then i eat them all the tit leon the titallian that's it italian we did it uh my name is dave miller and i'm I'm now Spain we've been your fuck buddies