F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 226 - Stop Answering Our Questions

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

I'm sorry that we didn't make it clear sooner, but when we ask a question on the show it is intended to be rhetorical.  Topics include increasing your luck stat, our secret is revealed, when it feels too good, fine dining meal ticket, leaving the past where it belongs, postpartum pal problems.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I am Lyle Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and we turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners on the topics of sex and dating. We answer them right here, right now, in your ears, collaboratively, as a fucking team. And we got an award for it once. We did get one award. We have a lot of nominations we got an award for it once we did get one award we have a lot of nominations but one award hey we teased something last weekend or last week we did we talked about something before you do it let's tease it more you're not gonna find out till later in the episode how about okay i think that's bad choices but but okay. Not too much later, but later. We're not going to tell you when in the episode, but we will tell you something in the episode.

We could just tell them now. I think telling them now would be a good choice. Well, pity we already made the other choice. You ready for a question? Yep. This is by SirTurtle91. I'm intending to ask a girl out next Friday. What can I do to increase my chances of getting a yes Between now and then

I really like this girl She's very nice and really cute However, I have absolutely no game whatsoever What can I do to increase my chances of getting her to go out with me You just gotta grind and get your luck stat up Boy Yeah, you gotta like farm all week Yeah, a lot of people are gonna be like

Oh, you need charisma, you need charisma But a lot of people don't realize this but like when it comes to date getting it's actually they're like the hidden stat is actually the luck stat so you're actually going to want to get like uh gear that increases your luck chances or you know anything like that um you want anything sort of like blue and over none of this fucking gray common shit none of this fucking gray common shit. None of this fucking green uncommon shit you want rare or higher. Now, Dan's being silly and talking about unrealistic things. I'm saying become a farmer for the next week. Girls like men that have land. Girls like men that have them whole muscles. And I mean, because you're hoeing out the earth on a semi-regular basis.

And also the more sex you have, the more muscular your dick gets. Exactly. That's the other type of whole muscle. Now, in all honesty, what can you do between now and Friday? You could get a hair, get a nice haircut. I mean, it doesn't say he's asking them out in person. He doesn't. Hey, look, there's nothing wrong like you know if you look good you're gonna

feel good and your confidence is gonna radiate right that'll make you that'll make you feel good it's not a bad idea it might be in person there's nothing you can really do to change yourself dramatically in a few days you're not gonna hit the gym and get absolutely shredded

no I know but I'm going through all these things going through a bunch of things right okay you go you go then i feel there's the problem with this question is there's no context of like how long have you known this person right like where did you meet them how are you asking them out what's your plan because maybe your plan is is to like drive your car full speed through their front door and be like date me and that in which case you need to spend the next few days reinforcing the hood of your car right like that's that's a bad plan that's not going to get you a date or like maybe you're showing up at their class with a big fucking thing of flowers and you're doing a big grand romantic gesture also probably not going to work it might but like it's it's weird don't do that so like

that i think is crucial information to to give when when trying to increase your chances i need to know what your chances sort of like baseline because this could also be like the cashier at your grocery store that you've talked to twice so i think okay if we're going to i think in order to answer this question the way that we need to answer it let's assume that they have a pre-existing relationship some way right we don't have to assume that so what i was going to do was just point out the things you could change that might have even the slightest bearing on this to eventually lead up to the point that realistically nothing is really going to change between now and next Friday. There's very few things you can do in a few days. I think it's one of those approaches that is very

much like pickup artistry, where it's like, oh, there's no shortcuts. There's no magic like, oh shit, you haven't eaten your three grams of ginger. You're fucked. That's not it. So I was going to say there are minor things you could do. You could get a nice haircut. You could make sure you're feeling yourself. You can, you know, be confident, blah, blah, blah.

But we were going to probably end in the same destination, which you are about to, which is like the more important thing is like how you're doing it, who they are, what your relationship is. And even then, it's like nothing you're doing between now and then is really going to change that. I think you can ramp up attraction and flirty banter prior to asking someone out. Yes. But like what I'm saying is that's a minor, a minor adjustment of the dial, right? There's no cheat code here. Just like, oh, well, no. No, I honestly, I think you run the risk i think you have

a more likely to spook a person trying to like increase chances yes then you are to make your make your case better there's so many variables here that i want to like and like so many avenues that i feel like we can all go down um because like yes we could talk about all the things you could do that would be bad but that's a lot of like yes we could talk about all the things you could do that would be bad but that's a lot of things we could also talk about all the things you could do that are good which is a lot of things so I think what you like in

my mind the way to distill this is like Nell said I think you really need to like go in with the confidence that they're going to say yes and as we've talked about before be fucking cool if they don't yes you need to go in not just with the confidence that they're going to say yes and as we've talked about before be fucking cool if they don't yes you need to go in not just with the confidence that'll go well but with the humility and strength to be utterly fucking lovely if they say no um if you're doing

this and that's like regardless of whether it's in person or online in person it's a little harder it's a little a little more difficult to take rejection like just a square on the chin like that are more important oh 100 yeah you know oh it's like that's the the bad thing is like anything you do in person is gonna be far more threatening and terrifying towards them especially if you do take it poorly so definitely don't if you're in person right i think we need to like i would really stress to not make this a big deal. Yes. I think a lot of people try to like make these big, huge gestures or they like rehearse a speech in their head or like, you know, you build up this idea of like what this is going to mean. And ultimately it means nothing until they say yes.

So don't, don't get yourself like, don't have this big flowery speech because you're not going to remember it. You're going to flub it up. And, like, nothing's weirder than someone trying to remember what they're supposed to be saying when they're talking to you. Or they stumble on something because they've rehearsed it so much that, like, they get all flustered and turned around. Like, don't do that. Go in. You know, the person in question says something in the middle of your speech, and you're like, shut the fuck up. Let me finish. I'm not done. Are you stepping you're like, shut the fuck up. Let me finish.

Are you stepping on my lines? What the fuck? So go in knowing your intention. Go in knowing what you want and let that inform what you're going to say. And be willing to listen and be receptive to environmental stuff. Don't be like target locked date, acquire acquisition mode, boop, boop,

boop, bleep, bloop. That's it's not, I mean, it might still work if they like you. Right. Um,

and that I think is ultimately what it comes down to is it doesn't matter how much you prepare or how chill you are or how confident you are or how, if they're not into you, they're not into you they're not into you and there's really nothing you can do about that and that's like again kind of what i was trying to say was like there isn't there is no cheat code here there's nothing really that can change your shit from you know a no to a yes over this week there's a lot of shit that can make it into a no and i will say that like it kind of worries

me that there's this deadline on friday especially with the what can i do between now and then to make it better because like if you're gonna see this girl every day and you've just kind of established friday for no reason just ask her tomorrow what uh does this how old they are no yeah that feels it gives me strong turtle 91 energy. Just say Sir Turtle 91 though. Right? So it's like, if he was born in 91. Yeah.

He ain't young. He ain't young. It does give me fucking high school energy of being like, giving yourself time to like, psych yourself up. Yes. And Friday's the big night. And like,

or Friday's like, you know, the weekend. And there's a little bit of buffer time. If it goes wrong, that you can like, you know, hide for the weekend and hopefully. You know what? buffer time if it goes wrong that you can like you know hide for the weekend and hopefully okay you know what i think they're 18 okay i went i went through the

post history and they're talking about homecoming being four months ago okay yeah so maybe like just started college it's when it's home is it's homecoming if hey you're the one from over this side of the world i don't homecoming is not a Canadian thing. Homecoming is an American thing. Either way, Spider-Man, Homecoming, they were still in high school. Yeah, he was in high school, and that was the first movie, but I also don't know if that was his first year in high school. I don't know. Either way, they're young enough.

So I would just say, unless there's a good reason for Friday, maybe you know you guys are going to hang out after school on Friday. Great, because you don't want to do it in school, surrounded by people, embarrass yourself or them. And that's fine. But unless there's a very good reason for it to be Friday, if you're thinking every day you'll do one thing to make it more likely that Friday will work,

that's not going to work. Yeah, I feel like we can spin our wheels here forever, telling you all the things uh so just i think what niall said is the best advice do it tomorrow do it right now right like that's how you're going to increase your chances because the longer you think about it the more freaked out you're gonna get yeah the the more opportunities you have to like fumble it or like you know overthink or or do something that you shouldn't do just just fucking pull that band-aid off and this is my advice to everyone who wants to ask anyone out yeah just just do it in a friendly non-creepy way but like if there's someone that you've always

wanted to like ask out like there's i don't think anyone no one should be upset barring you know obviously exceptions of like power hierarchy or age and etc etc stuff like that i don't think anyone would be upset if someone was just like hey i really like spending time with you would you like to grab a drink with me on thursday right because it's so low energy so non-committal so it's also just like flattering yeah it's just someone if they're not into it they're not into it and if they're into it they'll say yes that's like great cool yeah and once you're chill once you do it as dane said in a normal cool way you know no grand gestures no ambushes no public spectacle just like respectful person to person not rehearsed speech don't say i love you you know

unless you do no especially not then 2023 is the year of honesty oh no but yeah there's there's no hidden secret here you just got to be confident and chill and nice and if the time is right do it don't set an arbitrary date yeah all right is it time for the secret no it's not next but no is it time for secret secret i think it's time for the secret we talked about doing a live show now i want to do it he put it on his vision board he made a collage about it and he went into his manifestation chamber and he did it he done did it no it's my collage chamber and my manifestation board ah okay sorry i. Sorry, I was a bit confused. I know. So, we're doing a live show, February

16th, just after Valentine's Day, at Black Sheep Cocktail Bar in Liberty Village in Toronto, Ontario. It's true. It is at 8.30. The tickets are free. It is a free event, but we highly, highly recommend that you make a reservation ahead of time, because the space is not big. It is a free event, but we highly, highly recommend that you make a reservation ahead

of time because the space is not big. It is a fairly cozy bar. It's a cool space, but if you want a table and you want to be able to sit down, we highly recommend making a reservation and also help us out by mentioning when you're making a reservation that

you're there to see Fuck Buddies. Yeah, that would be incredible. It's going to be a fucking blast. A bunch of people have already said they're making a reservation. That you're there to see Fuck Buddies. Yeah that would be incredible. It's going to be a fucking blast. A bunch of people have already said they're going to go. Hopefully you also will if you can. And we're very excited. Because this is going to be our first live show ever. So yeah I'm pumped.

It's going to be a blast. So if you are going to come. And you want a question asked at the show. As always we keep it anonymous. We might ask questions questions while we're there rhetorically don't feel like you have to answer those questions and out yourself if you want to keep yourself enough if you want to answer them that's fine too but it's also you know how we do we throw questions hypothetically on this and you do not need to feel like you are under blast or

required to there is one dude who's just like, oh, fuck, why am I supposed to be answering those questions when you ask them? There's one guy who's now either horrified or relieved that he no longer has to answer our questions while he's listening to our show. I just imagine someone on the subway like, oh, no, I wasn't there.

Dude, I don't know. I didn't send in this question. So yes, February 16th, Black Sheep Cocktail Bar, Liberty Village, Toronto. Once again, it is a free show. So make your reservations to make sure that you have space for you and your friends. Bring a partner. Bring a loved one. Bring someone that you think might need some dating advice.

Just be like, hey, man, I hear this is a really fun place to go. And then we can give some advice and maybe send it a question that would help them. Ask a really pointed question that's going to make them very uncomfortable. And last but not least, we'll lock eyes with them the entire time. So if you have a question, please send it over to fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com or head on over to our website, click the contact form, fill it out. Just be sure to note that you will be at the show so that we know to save that question for the show

and not do it on air. Yeah, if you don't have it on, we'll just assume it's a normal question. But if you do have it on, we'll save it. And yeah, hopefully we'll see you there because we're very excited. It's a big deal for us. This is from a recent ad and a bunch of numbers.

I was giving him a BJ, but he stopped me basically was hooking up with this guy we had sex already an hour ago he asked me to go down on him so i did his legs were shaken and he was throwing his head back saying it feels good and he was squeezing my arm real tight then out of nowhere he said oh my god that's enough and complimented me again i wondering, why would he ask me to stop if it feels so good? It was either too good or I'm assuming because they didn't mention that they came the second time. Right. I'm assuming they didn't. They didn't.

Yes. So it could be just like he was enjoying it. But like, because you just had sex that like he realized that he just wasn't going to get there. Yes. I mean, you know, like you just hit that point, which,

which sucks as anybody who's ever reached that point, because you know, the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. Yeah. I've definitely been in situations where like I've gone from round two or round three or whatever, and it feels really good. And I feel like I'm on like the precipice of orgasm and

like i just can't cross that line and so i eventually come to the point where it's just like hey you let me know when you're good and we will call it because it ain't gonna happen for me and like god love them sometimes the partner's like okay well like maybe i can finish off my mouth man fish off my and they you know a new tactic is introduced. And like, I've been in this exact situation where it's just been like, it feels so fucking good, but you know, I'm starting to get sore and I'm starting to like,

maybe feel a little bad for you because you're working very hard. Especially when you're thinking about the point, it's probably at the point. Once you're in your head being like, fuck, am I going to come? Like, that's not a sexy place to be. And then you're going about the point it's probably at the point once you're in your head being like fuck am i gonna come like that's not a sexy place to be uh and then you're gonna feel bad for someone and like the longer it goes on that you don't come probably the worst it is for everybody so it's like if you're enjoying it but you know that that's that's it for you it's it's the kind thing

to do to stop it and to for for everyone involved and there's nothing wrong with that it's it's the kind thing to do to stop it and to for everyone involved and there's nothing wrong with that it's no shame on you it's just how dicks work sometimes yeah and look i would say you noted all of his body language you noted he was like freaking the fuck out you were doing a great job he also complimented you so there's no reason to believe that it was anything on your end it was something on his end and like again we've given you a bunch of options as to what it could be. We don't know. We're not him. But I wouldn't be concerned about anything.

If the first time you guys hooked up, everything sort of went off without a hitch, and then just round two or this second situation, I wouldn't be too concerned. Yeah, no, for sure. Again, if the next time it happens, he's doing the same thing, maybe you're doing something that is too much just because you're,

you know what I mean? You might be like sucking too hard or he might be particularly sensitive or something. And then that's kind of where the question comes. But in a situation like this, I would be very confident that the answer being he just knew he wasn't going to finish. I'd like, I've been on the reverse side of things where I've gone down on a woman, you know, after sex or I've finished and I've been like, Hey,

is there something I could do for you? And they'd be like, yeah, go down on me. And then I start going down there. I'm like, actually, no,

I am still too sensitive. Nevermind. Oh, for sure. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Just don't take these things to heart.

Like don't take them personally because then you're kind of like punishing a partner for their honesty and that's no you should wear them as badges of honor right sure and also like at least for me as a man i wear them as like a a thing of being like well i've done everything that i could oh yeah right if you if your partner's saying i am good you have done your job i am closed for business great you've ticked every box they could have thrown at you i love when people are like i can't take anymore i'm good it's like it is so sensitive i am tapped out i've reached the orgasm limit great yeah because then like then there's no after worry of being like oh did i do

enough i hope they were satisfied. Because then you just know. And then you guys can just snuggle a little bit. Get all those good chemicals that you get for snuggling after good sex. Get all those things that help our body and our mind. Yeah. I do want to just throw that out there. If you don't know how many health and mental benefits there are to a good, quick cuddle after sex, I think it's like all you need is five minutes of skin to skin cuddle contact after sex.

It's so good for you. It's so good for you. Don't be weird about cuddling after sex. Even if it's a hookup or one night stand, get those benefits, babies. Yeah, people don't realize this, but me and Dane are actually 87. Yeah, we look great for our age. Absolute dog shit for the age that you might think I am,

35. I've been ridden hard. You look good? What are you talking about? Whoa, let's take a minute. No. Beautiful boy. But for 87? For 87, we look good. We look good. Want another question?

I do. Right now. Does she act... Oh. Spurto 8820. Does she actually like me or is she using me for fine dining? So I began dating a woman who I've known since we were kids. I first started to talk to her back in June and spent the night during her B-Day weekend.

We made out all night once and afterwards never again. Since then, I've gone several dates with her since August till now. She's a single mom, very successful, travels a lot and says she's busy. I've been taking her fine dining about six to eight times now since August but granted it's maybe a date or two in a month since we started seeing each other. She says she doesn't want a relationship but has me take her out. I've spent the night twice now with nothing physical since that night of her birthday back in June. Am I getting played? Or does she actually want more? Because we hit it off very well, but she has terrible initiating conversation

because she said she's busy with her kid throughout the week. She hasn't tried to be physical with me since then. She mentioned she wants to take it slow, but it's been almost five months since dating here and there. I feel like I'm being played. Give me some advice as to what I should do for my next step. Are you trying to initiate physical interactions and sexual chemistry or anything like what are you doing that's what i need to know it really does feel like that is

maybe a thing we should have been told as the people answering the question there's a guy on the subway like i don't know i've already told you i don't know yeah it's i you need to let us know whether or not you're initiating sexual like if you're going back if she's like thanks for dinner bye and then like hops in her fucking bentley and peels out then yeah you might be getting fucking played a little but if you if you know if you were like hey you want to come back to my place and then you guys go back to your place and then you guys just sit awkwardly at the couch on opposite ends of the couch and you don't try to make a move or you know try to initiate anything then i i don't know what to tell you take a little bit more initiative try to go for a kiss try to invite them back to your place

if this is something you like and then have the conversation of being like hey what what are we looking for here like are are you cool like do we want to have sex do you obviously don't have that conversation that's very blunt and to the point but there's no harm in being like hey do you want to come back to my place you look beautiful tonight and i like sitting here and not being able to get my hands on you is driving me crazy and there you've, you've set the stage of being like, I would like to get you back to your place and I would like to be physical with you. Not necessarily have sex.

That's a, that's a constant negotiation of consent that you can have at any point in time during this interaction. But you need to like, at least put it on the table and be like, hello, I find you attractive and would like to have sex with you. Yeah. Well, like there's a lot here. One, why haven't you talked to her? She's your friend since you were kids. Can you not talk to her? you attractive and would like to have sex with you yeah well like there's a lot here one why haven't you talked to her she's your friend since you were kids can you not talk to her you should

be able to talk to someone you're dating anyway but if it's someone you're dating who you've been friends with forever you should be able to talk to again there's so much here that we haven't been told that we need to know but like if you're worried that fine dining is the thing she's using you for maybe next time you hang out don't do fine dining you're clearly upset fine dining is the thing she's using you for, maybe next time you hang out, don't do fine dining. You're clearly upset about it. And it's like we kind of talked before about how when you're going on dates, it's like doing stuff like this is really bad for your wallet. Even if things were going well, it's like we wouldn't recommend doing fine dining every day. Do something else.

Invite her out for a fucking movie. Go for a hike. I don't know. But like if she refuses to see you unless you're bringing her out for fine dining you have your answer that's a very good point and i think like i understand why he's doing this because a lot of people fall into the pitfalls of like if you're really into someone and the first time you finally got to get them to go out with you was you know a high-end fancy dinner people kind of fall into the the trap of thinking like oh this

is the this is how i prove my worth this is how they see me as a valid partner i'm gonna keep doing this so probably every time he messaged her and when he's he gets a little skittish and desperate because you know she's busy dealing with a kid and a full-time job and everything she's he he hail marries instead of being like hey do you want to come over mine for a drink or hey do you want to grab a drink he's like i need to i i want to see her so it's like hey do you want to go get a fucking fine dining dinner and you're going from like zero to 100 instead of like you know tone the line there's nothing wrong if you have the money and you like spending time with her and you enjoy these dates there's nothing wrong with like

spoiling yourselves for sure. No, not at all. But I'm judging by this question. There is something wrong on his end. So yeah, change it up. Talk to her. Like there are so many very simple things you can do here to figure out where you're at. You say she doesn't want a relationship.

Does that mean she just doesn't want a date? Or she fully does not see a relationship with you? Because if she told you this and you're ignoring that and are now upset that nothing's happened, then you're an asshole. That's the other thing. Does she know these are dates? make out on her birthday that maybe you've never mentioned again or she might not even remember or you know maybe you guys thought it was a mistake and and just thought it's better to keep it unspoken yeah especially if she says she doesn't want a relationship since that happened you know what i mean like there's a very much a difference being like oh i'm down to like fool around but

i'm not i don't want to like make this into like a long-term thing, but like I'm down to fuck buddy scenario or something like that. Great. But if that happened, you would have your answer. So the fact that she only said she doesn't want a relationship and that's all you seem to know. But then since then, nothing's happened or been clarified and you're upset. I'm very worried that she in fact did tell you her answer and you were like, cool, cool, cool. And then completely ignored it. Yeah.

So I think the important thing here is to clarify your relationship and that's not to hit her with the what are we it's it's it's a way to state your intention right yes i think you don't put it on her yeah no it's not her job right it is your job to be like hi i've really enjoyed the time we're spending together i know you're not looking for relationship i'm very happy to do a casual thing but i'm very attracted to you and i would love to spend more time with you and i'm happy to keep going on dates but like the the amount of times i've wanted to kiss you or the amount of times i've wanted to bring you back to my place is like every day or whatever you know i mean like i don't know what your situation is but let them know that you are attracted to them you want a

sexual relationship and that that is something that you are looking for. And then gauge the reaction. And also be honest with us, yourself and them. Because if you want more than just this casual thing, maybe don't pursue this any further. Also, a very good point. Don't still like Trojan horse your way into her bed only to try to, you know, bust out and claim the Troy of her relationship. What a wild analogy. It works.

Figure out your shit, get your ducks in order before you start making up nefarious plans as to like what people say, you know, deep dark intentions are with you or like ulterior motives. Just lay it on the table and then see what they pick up. And if it's not what you're looking for then carry on this is adorable horror how to go over husband's past

now the way this is written it's like so dark like ghosts past like like ghosts of girlfriends past as in like husband's past like p-a-s-s-e-d like like the one you know it's like no like p-a-s-t but it's it's not a possessive husbands it's a plural husbands okay right so it sounds like how do i get over multiple husbands husbands that i've i've once had um but it's not it is it is their their sordid history i, after about a year of marriage, learned that he's been to bathhouses, etc. and had an uncountable number of sex partners, including numerous gang bangs and orgies. We had talked about past relationships earlier in the relationship and I knew he had more partners than me, but I guess I didn't think it was anything like this. I'm quite old-fashioned

and prudish when it comes to sex and to be honest, I can't help but feel extremely uncomfortable. This is all up to the point where knowing this makes me uncomfortable around him especially sexually and i find it hard to get turned on by him knowing what i do i know past is past and i don't have a doubt that it's all behind him how do i let this go and then edit should probably mention i'm a guy too we're gay look you're slut shaming think, because what matters in a relationship is, you know, how they act. Do you trust them? Are they a good partner?

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And presumably these are all boxes they tick because you've gotten this far without any issues. He does turn you on, presumably because it's only a problem. Now you've gotten married. Like, so obviously everything is good. And the only thing that's changed is that you found out about their sexual history,

which clearly you don't agree with, but like that doesn't change anything. It's now just tarnished your view of them because you have opinions on it that are in my opinion, kind of slut shaming. Yeah. I think that's like, you say you're old fashioned and prudish,

but I think now has nailed it on the head. And I will reiterate, this is of slut-shaming. Yeah, I think that's... You say you're old-fashioned and prudish, but I think Nell has nailed it on the head, and I will reiterate, this is a slut-shaming situation. This is no different than if you were like, oh, I found out that he's had five boyfriends, and if five is the number you're uncomfortable with, then

five is the number you're uncomfortable with, and it doesn't really change who they are or what they are or how they met you. All those things are are constants you know what i mean like his behavior and all that like that is who he is yeah and if you think he's also like you say at the very end that you're sure that he's put it all behind him which is even more damning it's like cool so you are agreeing that you don't even have any doubts you're just literally basing this off a thing he did in his past and you know what's fucking annoying this is such a hot topic on reddit right now where every question of like i found out my girlfriend slept with seven guys and

all of a sudden i don't think she's wife material and people are like yo you're slut shaming and then there's this like crazy like brigade of people who are like well actually no it's not slut shaming it's just that you're incompatible sexually because blah blah blah blah blah blah and it's like no if you were incompatible sexually that would be a problem that would have come up before when you were having sex because your sex was incompatible not oh now that i found out a thing about their past everything about them has been tarnished in my eyes where i'm judging them and changing my behaviors it's so frustrating to see this like weird reddit movement to try to like make slut shaming okay and really pisses me

off well i mean let's let's face it the only reason it's happening over is because it's prevalent in society so it's yes i know but like i can see it very clearly when it pops up question after question after question you know but like it's this weird resurgence of like trying to reframe slut shaming in this way where it's like no i'm not a bad person i'm not a bad person i have traditional values our values are mismatched it's like pisses me off because the value in this specific instance is like you're you're in a like a monogamous you're in a monogamous mystic monogamous monogamous wow there it is you got the monogamous relationship and you trust them so no values are being broken there and it's like presumably you guys have been with each other long enough that like you know

health concerns aren't a thing it's not like you even want to play that card where like hopefully they've been safe and checked because it's been so long that that's not a concern either so what is the issue here yeah it's it's one thing to like find out that like oh my husband was incarcerated for human trafficking yeah great that is something that like even if they've reformed and has changed, might be something that like, ooh, I don't know. Like that's a pretty fucked up thing to do. And that makes me uncomfortable. Okay, I get that. Not to say people with criminal past can't be reformed or changed or anything.

But I think the point given here is that human trafficking is a horrendous thing. I hate that I have to. I know. I don't feel the need to explain to people everything they get it yes i i chose that's why it wasn't like he smoked marijuana what the devil's lettuce finding something arbitrary about what someone's done in the past within their own body that they are allowed to have complete control over and their decisions of. And, you know, there's no difference in being like, whoa, hold on a sec. Wait, what? You were a brunette in college? I only like blondes. I'm very traditional in my hair color

choice. And I don't like that you dyed your hair brunette. I could never be with a brunette. I'm not attracted to them. And it's like, well, but, but they're not brunette anymore. You know, like it, it's so arbitrary. And like, I honestly feel like some people might think that is sort of like reductive in terms of my analogy,

but I literally think they're the same thing. I think if you look at someone's sexual history and you get upset by it, as long, again, as long as it's consensual adult relationships and no one's done anything horrendous shit yeah if it's just the fact that they've slept with more people than you feel comfortable with if that's why you're upset about someone's sexual history then you might as well be upset about you know their style like what kind of pants they wore in high school you might as

well be upset about like what kind of music they listened to as a kid you know like all these things are like what movies they want like as a child like any of those things being like oh i can't i can't be with my husband he he liked beauty and the beast yeah that's like fuck off all those things are are building blocks that created the person that's standing in front of you that you loved before you you know took a magnifying glass to each individual block yeah so what he got a little freaky once or twice or a few times who cares it's just so bizarre that people think that like stains a person so basically what you need to do is get over whatever it is about this like find out why this bothers you like does it make you feel lesser like do you feel like you aren't sexually

compatible because you're the boring one or like that you didn't live an adventurous life or like do you have shitty thoughts where like you now think he's like sullied or dirty or something because you got a little slut shamey prude bone in you and deal with those my answer to you uh question asker is go to therapy it sounds like saying that you're old-fashioned and prudish often translates into, I've repressed things. I have toxic learned behaviors from bad social structures or bad parents, right? That's really what old-fashioned and prudish means. No one who's old-fashioned is translating into good societal standards right link that it's stuff i don't know if you know this me just in general i was asking

the man on the subway but old things were bad society was yeah society was mostly bad and we made a lot of progress incredibly fucked up if you look at like the dates of things that we kind of like take for granted and then you're like holy shit that was like 20 years ago or 30 or like it's very very very recent i wouldn't even call them old-fashioned because they're so recent and then you want to go further than that and base your personality there. Also, like as a gay guy to turn around and be like, hey, I'm a prude and old fashioned. That's like that's what the people who fucking come for gay people and try to like be homophobic. Say, I don't know how you could turn around and say that's your partner with a straight face. And that is why I think therapy will help you. I think talking to a mental health professional will really benefit you in working through why someone else's personal history that didn't include you whatsoever prior to ever meeting you or even prior to you guys getting together is impacting you so much.

I think that is 100% of you problem. And I think that is something that you have the onus to deal with. It is not your partner's. And thankfully, it seems like you know that. It does not seem like the partner needs to do anything in this case. In this case, the work is yours to be done. So go get yourself a therapist. Talk to them about this.

Maybe even talk to your partner about getting like a couples counselor to sort of like help help you like guide you guys both through it so you can become accepting as a unit but at the end of the day the problem is yours and the solution needs to be yours as well i feel like in when we're doing this show in 10 years time when we're both 97 the answers will just be like communicate, therapy, communicate, therapy, break up with them. We'll just get robots to say that while we smoke cigars on some retirement home rooftop. Or a super yacht. This is by ValuableWorry9095. My 27-year-old female best friend, also 27-year-old female, wants to come from out of town to help me with postpartum, but I don't trust that she won't make a move on my husband, 33. My best friend and I have been close for six years, but recently we are in such different points in our life, I feel distant from

her. She's moved into new age spirituality and believes that polyamory is more enlightened than monogamy. She's very proud of herself for being sexually liberated because she slept with over 100 men. While I 100% believe a woman's sexuality belongs to her alone to decide how to express it, as long as it's ethical and consensual, it does concern me that she sleeps with any man she goes on a date with, is not getting tested regularly, and isn't always using protection. She also says she wants a relationship, but the men she's engaging with don't. I've expressed some of these concerns for her emotional and physical well-being, but it's only getting more frequent. Meanwhile, my husband and I have been together for two years, are expecting a baby, buying a house, and in therapy

to learn how to communicate better and be more regulated parents. So my friend and I are in a very different place in our life. She lives across the country and wants to come help me during postpartum, but there are a few warning signs that make me really uncomfortable. Three years ago, I broke up with someone who I was with for seven years. It was an amicable, loving breakup we'd just grown apart. Six months after the breakup, my friend was visiting town and asked me how I'd feel if she started a sexual relationship with my ex. I was okay at the time and gave her the go-ahead. The next man I dated after, she kept teasing about us all having a threesome. She never met him, it was a short relationship, and she doesn't love here, she would just ask a lot of questions about

our intimacy. She's met my husband twice and has been respectful, but she's trying to become a tantra sex coach, so she's brought up to me several times wanting to do sex coaching with us. We don't need it, and I have no interest in being involved in our sex life. Since I told her about the baby, she seems to be really wanting this life for herself, wanting to find a partner and be with someone she can see as a father, and instead she wants to find someone like my husband who will let her be in an open relationship. She's told me several times polyamory is healthier and more natural, and I should consider opening the relationship with my husband. I don't want her around my husband while I'm healing from birth. I also feel conflicted if I even want friends who I don't

trust. I don't know how to approach the situation or how to handle it if it's worth having a conversation with her or if I should distance myself. What do I do? Follow your gut. If you don't want this person around you or your husband or your baby don't have them around you it's really that simple uh we talk about all the time if you don't trust your partner don't be with your partner and i think that transcends the you know sexual and romantic relationship boundaries and flows into any relationship you have if i didn't trust any of my friends i wouldn't be friends with them yeah no and i should i certainly wouldn't call like if i didn't trust any of my friends, I wouldn't be friends with them. Yeah. No. And I certainly wouldn't call.

Like, if I didn't trust you, every time I had a partner or whatever, and, you know, I was like, oh, I don't know if Nell's going to fuck my girlfriend. Yeah, that would be a bad person to hang out with. You wouldn't be my best friend. It's really that simple. Yeah. Now, like, what you're saying isn't wrong but like i feel like there's more to this situation because from what i can see the person in question hasn't done anything to earn the ire of the question asker it seems very couched in slut shaming i i understand your your phrase or your like your uh point of Or your Point of view

Your point of view, yes But there is precedent of her making moves on Past partners One past partner who was an ex Who she asked about and was given the go ahead Yeah, but wasn't there Sorry, wasn't there another one? No, she teased

Next man I dated after she teased about us all having a threesome She never met him and it was a short relationship Doesn't live here So it's like, next man I dated after, she teased about us all having a threesome. She never met him, and it was a short relationship, doesn't live here. So it's like, was it a joke? If someone wanted to bring it up, but, like, they're being chill, and you just say no, and they're like, okay, like, you know. Because, like, even if she'd gone and slept with this person a few months

after you broke up, that would be one thing. I still think it's quite a leap to go from there to she'll fuck my husband in my home while helping me after birth. Sure. The woman asked and was given a go ahead and did it. And other than that, her only concerns are that she's polyamorous, sleeps with a bunch of guys and is now becoming a sex coach. As if these are all bad things.

Now, I will also say, I don't know if I'd want a sex coach who doesn't get tested regularly and doesn't wear protection that's for sure yeah mad coaching um so like then again this is all filtered through the question asker who does seem a little shall we say perdition old-fashioned sure but i also we can't do this show if every time someone says something we don't you know what i mean like we keep i i'm going to take the fact that if she knows that her friend is sleeping with hundreds of men and is it you know i mean i don't see why i would not believe that um when we're reading questions we can tell there's more to things and we've done it many times i mean they're best friends so i assume that she knows that she's not getting tested and and isn't wearing protection it seems like a wild

best friends to me it seems like a wild thing to put in if you didn't have that information uh regardless i at the end of the like again if you don't trust them don't have them in here's my stance on it and i understand how this does come across as slut shaming and i i think there is definitely elements of that i think this woman definitely thinks less of this person because of their sexual preferences and their sexual activity but i do also understand that there is definitely elements of that i think this woman definitely thinks less of this person because of their sexual preferences and their sexual activity but i do also understand that like the last thing i would want if i had a new fucking kid in my house is some woman in my ear constantly trying to enlighten me in her new age bullshit and i'm not saying polyamory is new age

bullshit i'm saying that it said that she got into like new age spiritual and i'm not saying polyamory is new age bullshit i'm saying that it said that she got into like new age spiritualism or something right that is the last thing i would fucking want when i have a baby screaming and i haven't slept and i haven't eaten a real meal and my boobs are sore because i'm nursing like the last thing that i also want is this woman who hasn't gone through this experience telling me that like you should be you should be more sensual with your husband you should be having sex with your and now is the most important time to be fucking you know what i mean like i feel like that would be absolutely fucking nightmarish torture yeah i i agree because the thing i think the friend does the worst in this

question is that she seems to kind of cross that boundary of trying to prescribe her lifestyles onto other people like it's all it's cool to be polyamory or whatever monogamous but like if you're a monogamous person going to a polyamorous person and being like oh it's actually like way less sinful to love one partner or you're a polyamorous person being like wow like you really need to open up it's bad like like fuck off let people do their own things that's kind of annoying but so yes i i agree it sounds like she would make a bad postpartum partner or whatever she wants to be but like do you need her why is this even a question just be like hey what's the arrangement

is she gonna stay at your place because that's i would absolutely i don't care how much like the last thing i want to do when i have a new like if i had a new kid and again i don't have kids but i have a lot of friends who have new kids and i can't imagine also having a person there as well that you also kind of have to like take care of because like they're a guest in your house right so you're you're not just going to be like i don't like having a guest in my house when I'm hungover, let alone when I have a new child. Which is an 18 year hangover. Yeah, basically. So just one, if look, if you don't need her to do this, why would you have her do this when you don't want her to?

So that's one. Two, if you don't trust your friends, again, it does sound like you're being very slut shaming. Then don't be fucking friends if you don't trust them. It's fair's not fair on her it's not fair on you so get that out of the way three it's weird that you don't really mention your husband in any of this because it's like if you trust them this is still a non-issue right and four i don't know just like it's this this whole question stresses me out even if i trusted my husband i would also be like i don't want someone around who's constantly trying to be like hey you should open your relationship look how much fun i'm having like i'd also be like you just leave him alone he's trying to raise a child right now

yeah i don't know just something about this question asker rubs me wrong and it's like you can just feel the disdain dripping through it and maybe there is more background that you know obviously us as not the person who's known this person is more background that, you know, obviously us as not a person who's known this person for years don't have, you know, access to, but I don't like the way how it sounds. But at the same time, just don't have this person over. You don't fucking want them to. Yeah. That's probably it for questions, but it's not it for Tinder. Yes. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms. This is Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, an effort to make to online dating platforms such as tinder bumble and hinge

in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable by combing through them and trying to find red flags to see what works and what doesn't work i got you with basima and she says unvaxxed unmuzzled unafraid and you should be too purebloods only no libtards or p dojo supporters lions only no sheep straightforward and honest be mentally stable don't waste my time old school no hookups god first praying emoji heart i enjoy swimming the beach live music comedy clubs dancing experiencing new restaurants motorcycles and guns i was gonna say the second half of the profile is okay. And then we got to guns.

So, I mean, obviously not for me. Red flags, plenty. Almost all of them. But I feel like that's a profile for a very specific kind of person. What was that? The right stuff? I feel like this is a right stuff profile. Yeah, maybe.

It looks like a Tinder. But yeah, it's garbage. I feel like it's probably from Tinder. I'm just saying. Oh, yeah. No, it looks like a tinder but yeah oh i feel like it's it's probably from tinder i'm just saying oh yeah no it feels like they yeah that's the that's the app for them uh yeah it's gonna be a minus one for me yeah i'm gonna give it a minus one as well uh this is max uh 28 so anyway who trying to be friends with benefits and the benefits are we're dating and you would love me with all your heart and you would die for me i feel like we've had this one before i don't know if it's the same profile or if it's just like a new trend i don't like it because i've seen it so many times okay so you give it a three or four you have the four i'm giving it a six because i don't remember it that

much and i thought it was funny yeah no we've definitely read it before and i've since had at least two sent to me well i don't know if it's the same person maybe if it is i'm sorry you played yourself or i played who knows for being on different data gaps yeah but if it isn't you then it's on it's on original i'm sorry uh this one well we'll see what you think about this one is unnamed and it's a hinge that It says the prompt is swipe right if, and they say you are racist, homophobic, or hateful towards anybody simply because they are different than you. Uh-oh, found the person who doesn't know what left and right is. Yeah, I really don't think, like, there's a picture of them just smiling right above it. And like, I don't know. I don't think this is what they meant.

No, this obviously sounds like they meant left swipe. Also, you don't swipe on hinge so that's a weird prompt. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it's something else. It's one where if there's maybe not Bumble, does Bumble have the prompt? Yes, yes. Is it yellow? Yeah, it's like a yellow heart with a heart.

A yellow question thing with a heart in it. Yeah. Either way, you goofed. You goofed. You're going to get a lot of weird matches. Yeah. Finally, someone. Oh, man. Yeah.

I will give this a one because even if you meant it the right way, you did it so wrong that you said the worst thing. Yeah. This is Ren. I don't have an ego my facebook photo was a landscape old enough to realize that the meaning of life is just getting high and watching bad movies would really like it if people stop bragging about their height on here i get it you're taller than me do they say old enough to realize the meaning of life is getting high and watching movies yeah it doesn't seem like a thing that constitutes being old but okay. I think they're saying they've lived long enough to realize

that like... I guess, yeah. Burning away the pretense, you know? Yeah, I'll give it like a 6. Oh, you fool. This is an 8. It's very good. It's funny. We've got one, a community reference and one of my favorite jokes in community. I don't have an ego. My Facebook photo's a landscape.

Yeah, okay. See, I just, like, the. I don't have an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape. Yeah. Okay. See, I just like the people who don't have their face as their profile are the worst people on Twitter. And I spend my entire life on Twitter between our two podcasts. So that was like a negative in my book. No, it's a funny joke and I love it.

Well, it's also very deep cut. So I respect it. Okay. Old enough to realize that the meaning that you don't take yourself very seriously you just want to chill i like that yeah great and then this has strong me energy at the end of being like really wish people would stop praying about their height i get you're taller than me it's very similar to the way and my profile being like if i super like you

it's not a mistake it's a power move sure i like that yeah i feel like i get i feel like i get a lot from them if i got the community joke it would have been higher but i didn't and it's a six for me i'm giving you a six how about that yeah six out of six full marks on our wild grading metric of six you know it uh this is amy 29 all men are pigs but I do love me some bacon. Okay. I'm giving it a 3. It's kind of funny, but it's... That's what you got? That's it? It's like

Facebook mom coffee mug comedy. You know what? No, I'm giving it a 2. 2. You're not a racist, but it's not good. Yeah, it's not good. And we end it on that one. That's it, friends. That is the show. Thank you very much. Once again, a racist, but it's not good. Yeah, it's not good. And we ended on that one. That's it, friends. That is the show.

Thank you very much. Once again, a reminder, February 16th, our very first live show at the cocktail bar known as the Black Sheep in Liberty Village in Toronto. Make your reservations. Make sure you're staying there for the show. It's 830 p.m. is when it's happening. It's going to be a fucking blast. It's going to be a fucking blast. It's going to be a fucking blast. Thank you to everyone who is supporting us on our Patreon.

If you want to get over there and join the squad, you can do Patreon forward slash F buddies and come support us. It's going to be great. Appreciate it. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for their song Paper Stars. This was going to be brief. And this is apparently what would have won worst bad sex writing of last year uh but they decide not to hold it uh and it is an intimate memoir by salika dawson about her dalliance with the author john le carre and she said they had sex

only the hero and heroine can have sex for for the cameras. Sex for the gods. And that he drove himself into her like a plowshare. I feel like that's bad sex. Yeah, like plows not known for anything but destroying the earth. Not even that. Just destroying it. I'm not talking about the plow. I'm ignoring

the plow. We should talk about the plow. The plow's entire job is to fuck the earth up. Yeah. That's all it does. it does sure why would you want to fuck your partner up but like the sex for the camera and sex for like the hero like if you watch a movie the the sex that you see most main characters having isn't that good no like it might be temporarily hot you know slamming someone against a counter and like fucking them on against the wall or whatever it does usually last like less than a minute and that's how good it is kind of fizzles like i feel like like good sex is the sloppy stuff it's where you're laughing and rolling and there's rolls and there's you know

like and you're not being watched. Like, I feel like that's the good sex. Sex for the gods. Like, I don't think anyone's fucking being like, watch me, God. Watch. Everyone's like kind of fucking. And then you might think like, oh, shit, Jesus is looking. And you kind of like, you get a little more shy.

Historically, anytime there's sex and gods combined, it's really bad for everyone involved. Usually. Sex for the gods is just when you have a hand over your eyes so that you don't go blind by looking at them. Because that happened a lot in ancient Greece. You can't look certain directions or else you have to yell cut and start again. Yeah. Or it's like, you know, one of you is dressed up like a fucking goose or whatever Zeus was always doing. Zeus was always like an animal fucking someone.

Yeah. The original furry, Hala. Hello. Thank you very much for listening, friends. My name is Day Miller. And I'm Noss Bane. Come see our live show. We're Fuck Buddies. you