F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 228 - Seeking Hot Panera Managers

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

We're not ones to push conspiracy theories, but has anyone ever actually gone inside of a Panera?  Topics include retaliation vomit, a long overdue check in, bed time routine trouble, the correlation between sex and dating potential, Panera is a liberal hoax.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Miles Spade. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice show where we take your sticky,

sexy situations and turn them into sexy. I don't know what happened there. Your worst one yet. That was my worst one. It's because I said, I usually say we're a dating and sex advice podcast. But I said show. And then all the S's that were in my body wanted to come out all at once. We are a 60 podcast or whatever you fucking said.

It's sticky. We take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we are a sex and dating advice podcast and we find questions either roaming the wild or we get them from our wonderful listeners we answer them right here right now as a team for you with you in you your ears and guess what what in the future which will be the present of this podcast we will be doing our first live show in a smattering of days it's true for all you who might enjoy going out and having a wild time with some cool people, great drinks and funny questions and your two boys, it's February 16th. It is in Black Sheep Cocktail Bar in Liberty Village. It is at doors are at eight and it is free and it's going to be fucking great. It's free.

Yeah, free is a good thing. Free is great. Now, I will say space is very limited and space and tables are snatched up almost entirely. There's a few tables left. I think there's one or two tables left. And then we've opened up the bar seating to reservations as well. So you can still snag your spot for sure. But once those are gone, it'll be standing room and whatever we can muster up at the time uh so if you do want to come if you think you're coming do not be like ah there'll be space

for me because there probably won't be yeah we've been uh we've been running that room in a flattering rate actually so thank you to everyone who has already booked and i'm fucking hype it's gonna be fun i'm terrified i'm gonna fuck up the sexy sticky part god yeah because you'd never do that on this oh wait i know i'll write it down for you if you want no that it would just make it worse are you ready for a question uh yeah before we get into it i want to talk about i'm not a neat freak but my desk right now like my yeah my whole studio space right now is a fucking disaster and it's stressing me out so much well if you want to clean it we could just put that recording on instead of uh yeah well we'll just hear the the dulcet tones of you clicking and clacking all your

general mess off each other. I'll go get a toffee. So I've got, here's what I've got on my desk right now. I have a chunky cable knit sweater, much like a Knives Out Chris Evans look that I've worn. That's exactly what I was thinking. Maybe once because I hung it up incorrectly and it's fucked the shoulders up. I've got the case that I have. Surely there's a way to fix that.

Say by hanging it properly. No. It's like it stretched the fabric out. Damn. You fucked up that sweater. I fucked it up so good. What's this? What's under here?

I got a spool of twine. I have my roll box for No Quest for quest for the wicked the first thing that made sense i've got a box of tissues also okay yeah we all know what that's for a video monitor i have a battery from my dslr camera i have a bunch of c clamps uh a whole shit ton of loose dice i will say nothing is going to convince people to come to the show quite like you listing the things on your desk instead of us doing the podcast. There's just so much shit, Niall. But it's your fault. How did it happen?

It's no one's fault but yours. It's true. Like, I don't know what you want me to say, dude. There's some fucking advice. Get your shit together. Okay, let's do this show. No, it's too too late now we're talking about your desk related problems yeah i've got pillow covers there's a shoe box filled with paints you don't even paint shit i used to yeah used to being the operative word yeah you know what actually happened is when we were in your house doing the hot wings i snuck

a bunch of crap in your lock in your closet so i got all the boys it was like the scene in shawshank where like you have the sand and the dirt in your pants and you walk around we were doing that but with just generic shit you know how hard it is to fit a box full of paints in your pants i've got two pictures okay it's question time and this one's by WienerEater5000. Hell yeah. Girl I'm dating just told me she puked on a car as a joke. Not really sure how to handle this. Been dating her two to three weeks. She's 27.

I'm 25. Male. She said her friend lied about not being able to hang out. So her and her other friend went over there and puked on their car as a joke. Then she unsent the message and said it was funny until she sent it and then she regretted it but i saw what she said before she unsent it what do i do this is somebody's dating two to three weeks yes i think that you have been given a great gift as an insight into this person who this person is and i don't necessarily think that this is all bad because hey did you all did you find this joke funny did you think haha she got him she sure showed him because hey maybe you guys are compatible in that sense maybe you

guys both think throwing up on things it's a funny joke that you both can like giggle and laugh at but also if you're not into it you have learned that maybe this person is a little more immature than you or i i think there's something fundamentally wrong with someone who throws up on purpose because it is i can't think of like a body act that is less enjoyable. A lot of people – okay. Well, it's spicy waters to say people who throw up on purpose is there's something wrong with them even though it is a condition. But you know.

You can say it more tactfully. No, I know what you mean. You don't enjoy that sensation. My thing is if you're throwing up on purpose it's because you either have an eating disorder or some other issue but if you don't have it's really funny yeah or if you don't have an eating disorder you've then decided like hey you know what actually i'd like to do throw up on this car and i think that it's pretty fucked up it's kind of funny it's kind of awful i like

the funny thing is there's a few things here because like she might have been a wild child or an idiot or had weird friends or whatever and she could be different now but she did tell you about it now and then she took it back so there's a lot going on here if yeah dayton makes a good point if you're into it if you find this funny great if it's not a deal breaker for you you do have information if it is a deal breaker for you then deal broken great just be like hey so i once was seeing someone and i had probably one of the best first dates i've ever had with this person we had a blast it was great and then shortly after she messaged me and being like, hey, don't judge me.

I'm like out taking a bunch of MDMA with like a bunch of 16 year olds. And I was like, what? And she was like, haha, yeah, like, lol, don't judge me. And I was like, so this like this isn't a weird joke. Like, what are you doing? She's like, we're all fucked up. I'll mess you later. And like, I guess she was just hanging out with a bunch of 16 year olds doing them and i was like we're we're in our 20s it

does sound like you're judging her though and she did ask you not to oh i chose not to acquiesce to her request yeah i could do that uh nope you can't someone asked you not to judge them you legally have to not judge them damn well i guess i'm i gotta go date her now we got them boys round them up i was just like why would you do that one why would you mess with me that too and it kind of just ruined the whole thing i'm like i'm not like i can't imagine being on a date with someone under me like oh there's a bunch of 16 year olds around the corner who can't come into this bar legally so we gotta go meet them and then go do m like it's just no so i get it if this is a deal breaker for you by all means that's great she gave you a peek behind the curtain use it how you will

and hey maybe move your car for a few days if you break up see i think that's the thing for me is just like i like i would need to know if that is that a thing of the past or is this still her main form of error and grievances? Because I wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone who are like, hey, so I've noticed that like you don't text back when I text back. And especially when you say you're going to. And I do worry about that. She's just like, is that is that how conversations are going to go with her every time you need to sort of solve a problem? Or if you guys get in a fight, is she just going to puke on something you own? It's like how serial killers start with small animals.

What's to say by now she's not pooping on things? I thought you were going to say that she's now throwing up in larger quantities on larger objects. I was like, start with the cars. That too. Yeah, that's the thing. If she started with a car, you're going to go home and like open the door your apartment and just the fucking flood's gonna come out it's gonna be like that scene from the shining with all the blood but instead it's your girlfriend's vomit i feel like this is going to be an incredibly triggering issue for people so

i'm happy to move on hey sorry i saw something in the comments that changes everything. This she did it two days ago. Hmm. She didn't do it when she was in high school, which I assumed. No, see, that's the thing. I like I didn't assume that it was a long time ago thing. Oh, no, it was two days prior. Wow.

Sorry. I don't know why. I just kind of filled in the gaps. It was like when she was 15, she did a dumb thing. I don't know, man. That's weird. filled in the gaps. It was like when she was 15, she did a dumb thing. I don't know, man. That's weird. That's real weird. It was already weird, but it's far weirder that she's 27 and two days ago she puked on

her friend's car. You imagine I was like, hey, Dan, you want to hang out? And you were like, no. And I just like threw up on your cat next time I saw you. Yeah. I mean, does he know it was them? Because it was also a tandem attack too, right? Wasn't it her and a friend went and threw up over her car?

Her friend was there. I don't know if they both did this uh either way i think look unless this is like hey i love this this is hilarious i think yeah you could totally have this be a deal breaker especially if the fear is that she will then perpetuate vama crimes on your things which i think is a it's a possibility a fair yeah i mean like hey there's a good chance that breaking up with her as you said like i would maybe move your car park it at your parents house for a week yeah maybe maybe put that bad boy in a garage somewhere get a paint job like do a grand theft auto so like you come out of the garage and it's now purple and she can't tell what one to puke on. Yeah, like I said, it's completely up to you.

If this is your level of like, if you are also living in that South Park style, he he he vomit funny lifestyle, then great. You're also a Team America puppet. Yeah, you've found your match. And if this is not for you, then there ain't no rules saying that you got to stay here, especially with like two or three weeks or whatever. Yeah yeah this is the best time to break up with someone yeah and you can

even like trick you don't even have to have like a big breakup two to three weeks isn't that much presumably maybe you've seen like three times like once a week so i think you could definitely just be like peter it out and hopefully negate any any vomit attacks on your personal belongings sometimes when i think about him what happened my head hurts and then i'm happy again when i feel his presence oh my god when i first walked in and saw him i did not like him i did not like the seat then i sat down and felt hey he is prettyselfish. No germs on that seat with some air. What? Then when he started giving me comfort and he was being funny, I really liked this guy.

Some questions he answered, I was like sad because we are not a match. But I think he makes me happier in general. He pulls me higher just by seeing me. I feel like I did something right. When I hugged him and he hugged back. Instant sparks. Something I haven't felt before. It was natural. So natural.

It wasn't a loving feeling, but sparks. Even when he touched my arm, just sparks. Bad sparks? If it's not a loving feeling? Are you touching a metal grinder? That could explain the stink. If it's like, maybe it's like gasoline and like, like gasoline and the hot smell of cutting metal. There is no smell.

I've not mentioned smell. Please do not bring smell into this. That's fair. It might not be the stinky X. Is this a new boy? Is this no longer car boy or stinky X? The first time, it was like whatever, a naggy flamboyant man doing that. But this time, it was different.

I felt the man in him. I felt him looking at me like I was a beautiful angel. This is a very different feeling. I think there may be someone else that I am longing to feel from somewhere else. But who knows? This one, the eye contact and hugs, all sparks. I think this is real. And the thought is, all from fucking music and delusional this is real what the fuck one of the questions is or one of the comments of this post is this is so interesting

what's the background to these stories and hey that's the worst question you could have asked how long is the response like does it fit on a full laptop screen uh it's actually very very mundane the answer so i'm not gonna read it that's fair man every time you read these i feel like that's what sanity damage feels like it actually makes my brain hurt because just the way of like constructing sentences and thoughts and like it's just so it's it's certainly something if for those of you who might be new to the show and cause we haven't done this in a while, there's a Reddit member,

how long it's been. It's been a while. There's a Reddit user who goes by the name of better betch. And we've been following her saga for quite a while. We referenced her last week, which made me want to check in on her. Cause I haven't, I haven't done so in a while.

She had an ex who was very stinky and gave her a disease uh which is unfortunate very bad and then uh the ex got hit by a car and died but then didn't die it wasn't dead but there were a lot of dreams about stinky pools oh tons of dreams with stinky pools and slutty girls. It was it's a wild ride. But now it seems like she's on the rebound. I like that. This has been a lot more positive than some of the other ones we've read, because there's far less stinky boys. There's far less death fakery.

And like, I'm here for it. One day we get to have her like to a live show or something and just give her a bottle of wine i moved on from my nasty ex but the new guy isn't that much better same type of guy likes only fan girls online makes me insecure and no communication for days i feel like it's a waste of my time but But the new guy, when we meet, I feel very dramatic pull and electrical vibes. Is he also some kind of machine? I didn't want to fully move on from my ex. But the moment the new guy kissed me, it was full on.

It was over with my ex. I can't go back. That was the first thing I thought about. I can't go back. All the work I've done. LOL. It's gone. Probably for the best i got a

bit mad at the new guy and asked him why did he kiss me without consent and he didn't say much he just left consent is important guys and if somebody asks you a question like this don't just leave what the fuck i felt like the new guy was just a big ass per perverted drunk. That's all I think of him now. A big-ass perverted drunk. I don't even think he was drunk. Now, was this before or after the last vaguely positive update? Is this the new guy? This is the same guy. This is the new guy.

Is this the same post? No, this is another post after. Damn. For one second, I was like, this guy seems positive. And now he's a big drunk who's not even drunk. He's not even drunk. He's not even drunk. It's so evocative, though, you know? I don't even think the new guy wants anything serious with me and did that.

I don't know. I was saving it for a perfect moment. Whirlwind romance. I went crazy the last few days because this man and I barely had a conversation. I need to get out of the better batch zone because. Yes, i just wanted to eroding it's eroding my sanity i didn't want to leave you on an optimistic note because you seemed really happy for her and i just i just wanted you to know that no no it didn't happen

that way unfortunately better betch is still on her quest for love. Still chasing the wrong man. I honestly think it's like it's a YA novel that someone's just writing a really particular style. I think so. I think it's performance art. Ready for another question? Yeah. This is a little bit long. This is by Soccer Girl. My boyfriend, 26-year-old male, and I, 22-year-old female, have a bedtime routine that used to be cute but is now killing me.

Context. My sleep schedule, 10.30 a.m. to 6.30 a.m. I assume that's p.m. Yes, 10.30 p.m. to 6.30 a.m. My boyfriend's schedule, 1 or 2 a.m. to 10 or 11 a.m. Early on, after my boyfriend and I moved in together, we established a nighttime routine. 10. We get ready for bed. 10.15. In bed to cuddle and chat and connect to end the day.

10.30. I'd go asleep. I wasn't clear about this. My boyfriend does not have to go to bed at 10.30. I go to bed at that time, but neither of us have to. In fact, I prefer that he doesn't because he stays in bed and keeps me up. He chooses to go to bed with me, but then stays up for hours afterwards. I am in no way forcing him to go to bed several hours earlier than he goes to sleep. It seems pretty simple and sweet, and it used to be,

until my boyfriend started a new education, which messed up his sleep schedule and adopted a few bad habits. Now it's above a nightmare, honestly, and I hate it. Here's how it usually goes. Problems. He's always late, then begs for more time. He'll watch TV, clean the house, etc., instead of getting ready for bed, then come in at 10.20 or later and ask if we can start our 15 minutes from then.

When I tell him no, he pouts, and we have to stay up even later to talk about his feelings. He uses this time to bring up serious issues that have been on his mind. In the past week alone, we've stayed up till 2am twice to bring up issues he brought up immediately before bed. We stayed up later than 10.30, 6 out of the 7 days. If I go to sleep without telling him, he gets upset. A month ago, I had a long day and fell asleep at 9.45, whipped my clothes on and everything. At 10.20, he came in to wake me up to get upset with me that I went to bed without him because our connection time means a lot to him. He stays in bed for hours after and often keeps me up. After our connection time, he, knowing he won't fall asleep for several hours, stays in bed, plays on

his phone, reads, fidgets, etc. instead of moving to a different room. He won't let me sleep during connection time, no matter how tired I am. Just last night, I was actively falling asleep, and he blew on my face and touched me and made loud noises to keep me up. He isn't flexible about the time. I get tired at different times. He always makes a big deal when I try to move the time earlier. Just last night, I told him I'd been tired because he's been keeping me up. I needed to move our time 15 minutes earlier. He resisted, then intentionally took a while to get ready for bed and begged for us to start our 15 minutes when he was ready. He often tries to initiate sex during this time, even though I've asked him not to.

When I'm tired, I want to go to bed. I'm not the type whose horniness overpowers her tiredness. Regardless, he will climb on me, kiss me, touch me, etc. during this time, then pout and tell me how he feels rejected because physical touch is connecting. Here's what I've tried. Suggesting to move our connection time earlier. I've suggested doing this, we can both get what we need. He's denied the request, stating he prefers it to be the last thing that happens each day i've also tried having the schedule be more strict he disagrees said he didn't want to feel so

scheduled because that makes it seem less genuine he also points out several times when i've been late this whole thing sucks i genuinely feel much more about control like it's more about control and connecting last night brought several options to help work it out and he denied them all today i'm planning on telling him i want to cancel it entirely had enough of this i'm so sick of like it's more about control than connecting. Last night, I brought several options to help work it out, and he denied them all. Today, I'm planning on telling him I want to cancel it entirely. Had enough of this. I'm so sick of it. It's just weird. I would like to go back to what it was originally, but I'm not sure if that is what is possible. If anyone has any insight into what might be motivating

him to behave this way or what I can do to have it actually be connection time, I am open to it. I wish I knew what this medication was for. Because, presumably, it's a mental health thing. I'm, because presumably it's a mental health thing. I'm going to assume it's a mental health thing. I know I've kind of been defaulting this quite often, but this seems like something that needs to be addressed by a mental health professional. I think from what you've laid out, you've done a lot of the necessary steps.

You know what I mean? Like you've tried to make compromises. You've tried to set boundaries. You've tried, you've been clear and concise about what you want and don't want in terms of like, I don't want to have sex. And yet he still initiates or like tries to initiate every time.

Like there's been a lot of boundary setting for you and it's, it's now starting to have a detriment to your mental and physical health. The fact that you're getting up at 630 and he's keeping you up until two, you're getting four and a half hours of sleep almost every day of the week. That's rough. And it sucks that he feels that, you know, there are these issues in his life that you guys need to talk about. But you're not his therapist. And if he's capable of talking to you other times, right? Like, presumably, you guys, this isn't the only time you guys get to spend together.

Here's a little more on that comment. We are with each other and talk to each other all day. We both work from home in the same room, even. So, like, it's not like that 15 minutes is the only time they get yes yeah because i was gonna say if it was that if that's all the time that you have to spend together and you don't do anything else but this like connection time that's a failing on your part as a couple that like you guys need to schedule time to like do something other than this because i understand why someone would become very dependent on that kind of connection if that's all they're getting like if all you're getting is an allotted 15 minutes a day to be with someone you care about i get it but to reserve to

like fully know that there is something bothering you and then be like i'm not going to talk about this and instead i'm going to wait and keep you up until 2 a.m. Despite the fact that I know you have to be up at 630 a.m. It shows from his stance, like it shows a lack of empathy. It shows a lack of care about your consent, about your mental health, about your physical health. There's a lot of disregard on his end of the issue. And I'm sure if I really want to nitpick, I could find things that you're doing wrong. But I think that the main problem here is the fact that he's putting all of his needs way before yours and your needs aren't even being considered. And that is a terrible,

terrible position, especially to want to bargain from, right like to to start a conversation of being like hi i don't want to do this anymore if he's already not listening to your needs he's probably not going to listen to what you're saying yeah that's the thing and you're right like maybe it's it's interesting that starts with the medication so i would wonder like maybe is it to do with whatever it's treating or a side effect of the medication that's possible either way like he should still give a fuck about you and what you say and it seems that he's very specifically going out of his way to avoid giving a fuck about you and that sucks because sleep is one of those things that's like it's not a negotiable like you really need it in in every way and it's like the thought of somebody fucking with my sleep schedule, you know, it sucks when it happens in a non-purposeful way.

Like inadvertently, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I couldn't even handle it if it was someone doing it on purpose or just like willfully disregarding things I was saying about it. I would fucking hate that. So, Dane made a good point. You've kind of been doing all the right stuff. I don't know exactly how strict you've been about these chats or whether you've been like kind of mentioning it and just like letting the issue slide. That's up to you. If you want to jump ship immediately, which I think is fine because you've had a week of him trampling all over his care for you and your self-care. But like if you want to continue with this, try to work it out. I would say first step is, OK, look, last week, six fucking days out of seven, I didn't even get to bed by the time I want to go to bed to two of them.

I was up and got like four fucking hours of sleep. So for this week, I need to sleep. We're not going to do our connection time. Just no, you know, no half and half. No, like, oh, I'll do it with you. And then he shows up late. No, whatever. Just like, yeah, we're just not going to do it this week.

Like, I really need my rest. And see if he fucking freaks out. Maybe that's a time to have a conversation. More than likely, that's another red flag that shows that this isn't going to work. Yeah. Right. But if you can dial it back for a week, maybe then you can start to, you know, if you can respect that boundary, because then there's no gray area. Right.

Where it feels like with a lot of these compromises, he's like pushing and, you know, moving the goalposts a little and like just trying to, which could be a personality thing, could be a super red flag, not giving a fuck about your thing. Either way, it's very easy to see in a cut and dry. We're just not going to do it thing. Right. Cause you need your sleep. And it's like, I don't know. I don't like sleep rules. Like I don't like when you're with someone and they're like, Oh,

I don't want to go to bed by myself. Like you have to come to bed now. Cause there's nothing worse than going to bed when you're fucking not tired. Yeah. And also vice versa. Like if you're trying to sleep and someone's in bed fucking around, like that sucks for you.

So I don't know. I think the next step is you need to cut it off for a week for your own sanity. And also to see if he can handle that and really, really talk about it and be clear, like be hardcore about it. And that's, again, if you want to continue with this,

because I think at this point I wouldn't. Yeah. I think you do have to sort of like go toddler or new puppy route of being like, I've told you, I don't want to do it this week. I understand that it's important to you, but I need to recap or like, you know, re-up on my sleep that I missed all last week. All last week you disregarded my needs. And so I think it's only fair that I refocus and focus on my needs this week. Unfortunately, that means that your needs are going to have to be put on pause for a little bit. You seem to have no problem doing that to me last week. So cool. And then be like,

I'm going to go to bed now. And you go to bed. And if he goes over and he starts like hemming and hawing and sighing and moaning and fidgeting, just I know it sucks. You're not going to get sleep again. Just power through it. Don't talk to him. Just leave him. Right? Treat him like a puppy in a crate who's crying.

And this is your... And it sucks to treat a partner like that. I don't like giving this advice. But it's a good way to gauge a partner like that. I don't like giving this advice, but it's, it's a good way to gauge where you're at. Because I think if you then address it the next day and be like, I did not sleep well because you kept trying to wake me up or blowing in my face or anything like that. Be like, I asked you very clearly, I would like to get some sleep tonight and you didn't let me. Yeah.

Right. And then, then you can like, then you go bad dog. Then you use your mean voice and be like, you didn't let me. Why? Like, what do you, what, what do you want? Right. Why do you not care about me? Why are you actively going against the things I want and need? Like, what's up with that?

What is it about these requests that you are so unwilling to? And if the answer is, I want this, I want that, then be like, okay. Unfortunately, it does not seem like you're in a place in your life that you can work with another person. And that's fine. You know, like we all go through phases of times where, like, we're not ready to accommodate our lives for another person. Yeah. But it also means that's not a relationship you should be in. Yeah.

Or him for that matter. That's what I mean. Like if, if this guy is only with you because he needs that 15 minutes of, of comfort time of connection time. Or even more specifically, he's only with you to satisfy his will, his needs,

because like at that moment, that's what it is. But I'm sure this doesn't stop during the day just in different ways right yeah and that's the thing if all he cares about in this relationship is him and his needs and like you're trying to tell him something important and he's like but i need my 15 minutes at the end of the day even if that means you don't get to sleep like fuck him yeah and that's that's a and you can translate this issue which is why i think it's important to talk about you can translate this obviously this isn't

something that most couples are dealing with but if it's making dinner together or whatever you know me like if if for whatever reason you're you have a thing where it's like oh at eight o'clock we have dinner together every night and for whatever reason your partner has now started like having after work drinks and showing up late but is mad if you've eaten without them it's like well yeah i'm not going to sit here and starve because you're out being social it can translate to anything right yeah yeah so very very toxic he clearly doesn't give a fuck about you so it's again, I would probably not even try to address this because it seems like you have. But if you feel there's room to be more specific, more firm, by all means, give it the old college try. And if it doesn't go well, then I would get the fuck out of this relationship because you don't need a partner that doesn't give a fuck about you.

And you do need sleep. So, yeah, I think you need to, if you do want to give this a try, you need to be very clear about your needs because a lot of this does seem like reactionary to him and what he wants. So don't be like, hi, I'm doing this because you, it's like, no, I'm doing this because I, I need to sleep. I'm tired. I feel bad. And unfortunately you might have to like, these are the things that I need right now. And if he's not willing to, to lend you those things

and it's the same thing again, in any relationship and it doesn't have to be dramatic and it doesn't have to be purposely malicious. If your needs aren't getting met in a relationship and the other person isn't willing to work on it with you to make those needs get met, then it's not a relationship that serves either one of you. If one person feels like hot garbage for whatever reason, either they're not being sexually satisfied, they're not getting enough sleep, they're not getting enough attention, whatever. If one person's needs aren't being met in a relationship, it's not a relationship. It's codependency. And like, maybe this is a moment for you to like grow and learn as well. Because like, I think you probably need to set better boundaries. You say he's late and he begs

for more time. I tell him, no, he pouts. We have to stay up later to talk about his feelings say no don't talk about his feelings ignore when he pouts you know what i mean they bring he uses this time to bring up serious issues say hey i'm tired i can't do this if he pressed me like look i'm telling you i'm tired like we can talk about this tomorrow if you want but i have to go to bed right now if i go to sleep without telling me he gets upset it's like okay then you need to be like again don't address it when you can't right if it's nighttime and he's upset you'd be like hey i, then you need to be like, again, don't address it when you can't, right? If it's nighttime and he's upset, you'd be like, hey, I have to go to bed. We can talk about this tomorrow if you want. Then the next day, be firm. Be like, why were you upset? I told you I need to go to bed. Is that hard to understand? If he wakes you up, say, hey,

you can't do that. I need to go to bed. Be firm. Set boundaries. I think that might be a problem here too. And be like, hey, if you want to go to bed go to bed if you don't do you mind leaving the room so i can sleep like these are all very very simple things and like if you're unable to communicate them or he's unable or unwilling to like honor them there's going to be a huge problem here yeah and like i said like unfortunately it sounds like this guy has like it sounds awful, like almost infantile. Yeah. Right. Like the way that kids fucking deal with bedtime of stomping around, having to fight them to like brush their teeth.

And if I'm in a relationship, I don't want to feel like I'm your parent. And that's what it sounds like here. And that sucks. I would like to know, like what your your sex life is like as well you know like i would love to see the rest of this relationship because i imagine it probably can't be good and if it's not good like i don't understand why you're still together other than you know sunk cost fallacy or you know it's hard it's difficult to break up with someone you live with etc etc but you definitely need to do a hard look at being like, is this relationship serving me?

And if it's not serving you, you need to get out. Yeah. I had a dream. No. A stinky dream? Such a stinky, stinky dream. Here's a hat. No, I don't want to do this one.

We've already done some pretty not fun questions. Do you have a later question? Yeah, it's pretty normal. Okay. This is OK Personality 9856. Men who are looking for something serious slash long term, would you still try to have sex on the first date? I have a couple of dinner dates coming up and all are by the men's homes. Should I assume this is because they want to sleep with me after?

I've had two dates like this in the past and each time the guy asked me afterwards if i want to come over should i assume that guys who schedule first dates near their home are trying to hook up after and if they do hook up after should i assume they're not looking for anything serious men would appreciate your perspective of course i could just ask these guys what they're looking for but i have not found that to be a clear indicator in the past all these guys already have looking for relationship checked off in their Bumble profiles. Well, the thing is, is you are very, very lucky that hopefully these guys will listen to you. If they say, hey, do you want to come back to my place? You can say, no, thank you. Well, I don't even think that's the point here.

Right. But like if because the other idea is just like sex equals not wanting a relationship. Yeah. Which I think is just emphatically wrong. Yeah. This is clearly something she's unsure about. So this has no bearing. I don't say, oh, I like this person.

I'm not going to sleep with her. That's the opposite thought. It's like I'm far more likely to sleep with you if I like you. And if I like you, I'm more likely to date you. There's no world in which I sleep with someone and go, oh, definitely not going to date them now. Like, what? Well, I think there is a world. No, as in just for that reason.

Yes. I mean, there are people I sleep with I don't want to date and people like, well, there's no one I date I don't want to sleep with, which I almost said. But yes, what I mean is like for that reason. It's not like that would either tick the box or be the reason why. No, that's insane. That's not to say that there aren't people who are going to try to go to dinner with you, have sex with you and then like ghost you. For sure. Those people exist for sure.

But you can't operate under the assumption that like that's what's going to happen. And if it becomes a common thread, then perhaps you need to tailor like you might need to like you're the common denominator in that situation. So perhaps the people you are going after are very specific type of person. Again, not trying to be slut shaming or anything, but like it's it's a pattern, right? We all date in patterns generally so if you notice that if you constantly keep finding yourself in the same situation with a similar type of man over and over and over again you do need to do a little self-reflection and be like okay are we going to assume that every man is like this or perhaps my my scope is only looking at these types of men yeah for sure like i've been in like negative

cycles in dating and had to kind of like reevaluate the people I'm hanging out with and hooking up with and the red flags I'm ignoring and stuff like that. So I think it's a pretty good piece of advice in general. A few things. So one, obviously there's no reading into it. There's no guidelines here where it's like, oh yeah, you, if you fuck someone on the first date, it means you don't like them. That's wild. But two, it's like, you should be having sex for you. You know what I mean? Yeah, we talk about it all the time. Yeah. If you want to have sex, have sex. If you don't want to have sex, don't have sex.

And that should be it. You know what I mean? It shouldn't be this trading chip in the game of dating, right? It shouldn't be like, oh, when do I cash in the sex that I can provide so that someone will date me like that's such a miserable way to look at sex and it's such a miserable way to be because you're just like this weird product or something like what are you doing yeah so like i said like originally like what i said i think also like has bearing on this where like if you don't want to go home with someone don't go home with someone and you're welcome to like if you don't want to go home with someone, don't go home with someone. And you're welcome to, like, if you're nervous about trying to, like, gauge what they're into. If you're just like, oh, I'm not super.

Like, I like to get to know someone a little bit more before I have sex or before I go back to someone's place. That is a completely okay stance to have. And you also then get to see how they react to that. Hopefully you're still in a place that's safe and hopefully you're not relying on them to drive you home or something. I think you should always have a backup plan and never rely on your date to be your sole way of getting home safely. That just throw that little advice to the side. If you if he's like, oh, hey, I just live up the street. You want to come back to my place?

And you're like, oh, no, thank you. Like, I had a great time. But, you know, I like to get to know someone a bit more before I go back to anyone's place. That way, you're not assuming that it's a sex thing. I think in this day and age, anyone would understand that, like, presumably you're meeting these guys online dating because you mentioned Bumble. So it's like life is scary. Yeah, that's a very, very, very reasonable thing to say. And if the person has an issue with that that's a really

good way of you finding out like because even if they are looking for something serious or long term you probably don't want it with them exactly right so if you say let alone anything else yeah so if you're like oh sorry i'm not comfortable right now or like i like to wait i think that's a great way because then you're not like putting it on them you can just be like i like to get to know someone a bit more before i go back to anyone's place and that way you're not like putting it on them. You can just be like, Oh, I'd like to get to know someone a bit more before I go back to anyone's place. And that way you're also not being like, I wait three dates or I have it just like it is. It's a vibe, right?

Like I vibe check. And right now I had a great time, but I'm, I need a bit more vibe checking to do. And I think you might fall into the trap of being like, Oh, I don't want to have sex. And then at that point you'd like,

the guy could easily be like, Oh, we're not going to have sex and then at that point you like the guy could easily be like oh we're not gonna have sex you know which might be true might not be true but by then you're going back to their place and like it's a whole thing so it's like if you don't want again by all means if you want to do that that's fine but i think this is a very good way to as dane said like test the waters because you're saying i don't want to go back and like going back to someone's place is essentially shorthand for sex in a lot of ways. And it's like, if they're chill with that, great. You know what I mean?

And if you want to go back and say you don't want to have sex, by all means, that is okay too. But I mean, this is a good way. If you don't want to go back, just say that. Because if you say, oh, I don't want sex, but what you mean is I don't want to go back to your place, and then they say, oh, we're not going to have sex, you might then be kind of backing yourself in the corner

where you have to be like, oh, we're not going to have sex. You might then be kind of like backing yourself into a corner where you have to like, oh, okay, cool. And then you go because you don't want to look like an asshole or whatever, right? So it's a very safe way to get out of that situation. And if someone's shitty about it, they're being completely irrational. Yeah. And white lies in those situations also never hurt.

If you don't want to go and you are getting sketch vibes, just always be like, oh, I've got a really early morning and I've got to turn in for the night boom great like those kind of things we we always promote honesty but at the end of the day like that's not hurting anybody safety trumps pretty much everything so and also it's a fucking white lie they're called that for a reason you're good at the end of the day if you want to have sex have sex if you don't want to have sex don't have sex if you like, you're vibing with them, and there's passion, and you just want to go bone down with them, go bone down with them. And then let things progress naturally.

Don't get weird about it. Don't assume that because you guys have slept together on a first date, you're going to get married. Also, don't assume if you slept together on a first date that he's going to ghost you or that he doesn't care about you or thinks you're a whore or something weird like right like none of those like the there's no correlation you might have known a man at some point in time who thought that oh if a woman sleeps with me on a first date she's not wifey material and guess what if that's the case you won't you don't want to be that guy's wifey so it's like it's a win-win if you sleep with him on the first date and he writes you off. Because do you really want to date someone with shitty views like that? Do you? I don't know anyone who would be like, slept on a first date, now she's worthless. Like, not at all. It doesn't fucking matter. But again, don't sleep with them on the first day if you

don't want to. It's literally, it boils down to do what's safe and do what you want to do. Yeah. And that's the only way to do it right. I think that's going to bring us into Tinder's. Oh, yeah. At the end of the episode, we like to hop on to online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge,

comb through the profiles, see what works, what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. This is blank, but it's a 29-year-old male. And they say, I grew up ugly, so a lot of my points are in humor

and sarcasm right now i'm a nerd okay uh i like i get i like the the like you know rpg video game reference i think it's funny um i guess it depends on what you look like now they are objectively very attractive guy okay great so i I think they're looking well. This is a profile that works. I think if you were still sort of like in the unconventionally attractive or traditionally unattractive thing, I think putting the word ugly on your profile is a detriment. I think it could seem like unconfident and like self like it's not like the cute kind of like putting yourself down. Yeah. It's like the bad kind of like sad putting yourself down.

No, I think this guy, it's very clear that he's attractive now. So it's like actually kind of charming. Yeah. And honestly, you want a person who didn't coast on good looks when they were younger. You want someone who had to develop a personality. And he's holding a very cute dog. So I'm going to give this an eight. Yeah, I like it.

I'm going to give it an eight as well. This is Sarah. Spiritual, herbalist, learner, optimist, humble, broken human. Peace sign. Okay. Not in a rush. Rather find the right connection. I value kindness, positivity, respect, and an open mind.

The rose that grew through concrete. Rose emoji. You see, you wouldn't ask why the rose that grew from concrete had damaged petals. On the contrary, we would all celebrate its tenacity. We would all love its will to reach the sun. Well, we are the roses.

This is the concrete. And these are my damaged petals. Yeah, no shit. We figured, okay, this is awful. I hate it. It's like a two. And it's only a two because it wasn't like openly racist or something. I would love to know if when she writes the Rosa grew through concrete, is that the title of the following segment?

Like, did you write that? Is that from something else? I'm assuming it's from some really cool instagram account she follows yeah maybe either way not great uh anyone on their dating profile that says they're a broken human yeah that's like and like i'm not saying that you have to be 100 put together we're all works in progress you could be in therapy and you know as you know great cool hey on the same scale as like if you said perfect human i'd be like okay no yes just it's it's just such bad energy and and so many red flags for me it's red flags but it's also just like if your profile is exhausting and douchey to

read i just imagining you're gonna be exhausting and douchey and it's like it really like there's no subtlety it's like the the rose that grew through concrete you're like okay whatever and then it's like because because this is how concrete you're like yeah i get it and the flower yeah we know but it's us yeah no fucking shit these are my dad yeah fucking shut up so no just no it's a two uh this is la. I have two pet sperms, BTW. And like an emoji of three kids. Wait, what? Lauren, 23.

No, no, no, no. I have two pet sperms, BTW. I get it. Do you get it? Yes. Why are there three if you have two? It's just an emoji that like it's one image and just has three. Or maybe it's a mom and two kids, actually.

Okay, so that makes more sense. Yeah. I thought it was like three in a triangle, not one tall standing behind them. Either way, she calls her kids pet sperms. How do you like that? I mean, that's pretty much what they are. Yeah, but do you enjoy that? I don't enjoy kids, so... Do you enjoy that terminology?

You can call whatever the fuck you want. You don't think that terminology flavors this profile dramatically? Oh, 100%. Okay, then play with me in this field. It's a nine. She also hates her children. Yeah, it's...

Look, if the only thing you have to talk about is, by the way, I have two kids, and then you're going to call them fucking pet sperms? That's enough for me, dog. Yeah, I'm going to have to give that a hard pass as well. Yeah, I'm going to give it like a... I'm going to give it a two as well. Yeah, yeah.

It's the two crew currently. Here's something that we literally just talked about and it makes me happy that it popped up. This is Genevieve. They have a bunch of locations that I'm not going to read, presumably where they spend their time. Person in progress. Still figuring out how to put together

furniture properly and not leave my clothes all over the house. Looking for someone who I share a similar vibe with to enjoy each other's company. Looking for someone who enjoy company. Like, fuck off, obviously. Again, it's the same kind of deal where it's like, want someone honest? Shut up. Give me something important.

I don't love person in progress. Really really we literally just talked about it yeah but it's weird it rings of like broken human to me uh okay i now is a lot spicier on this than i am i think it's a serviceable profile i don't think it's great but i think that if you if you feel inclined to write broken human i think person in progress is a better way to do it hey just because it's better doesn't mean it's good i i don't mind it I think person in progress is a better way to do it. Hey, just because it's better doesn't mean it's good. I don't mind it. I think this is like a six.

Oh no, it's a four. There's nothing in here. It's like, oh, you leave your clothes around and you're bad at making furniture. Okay? And that's it. That's all you get. That's it. And you're good at saying bland shit about relationships. Wow, well done. It's a four. I know why I hate this one so much.

Yeah, Jesus. Four. You good? Did you... Hey, did your owners not give you enough attention when you were a little pet sperm? No, they definitely didn't. Yeah, it's four. I don't know. It's like bland at best, boring in general. This one has no name, which is probably for the best.

The next female that cheats on me. I will date your mom and become your stepfather. Go that route if you want to. I'll play your game. Laughing face. Here for women only. Want, not need. If anyone can identify as whatever the fuck they want,

I identify as billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist, fluent in sarcasm. If you don't like Harry Potter, you're a communist. About me. Alpha, 6'4", Leo, veteran, gamer, gym enthusiast, college educated, business owner, super life, manual or die, bruh.

Yikes. I bet you love this one, since you hate every other profile, but this is your speed, isn't it? Just cause you like the boring one. Like, way to start off with a giant red flag in your first three words if you call women females that's it yeah you're gonna have to fight hard to claw back from the one i'm giving you and guess what he just kept going he just

kept digging yeah he instead of clawing back he clawed down yeah like a little transphobia, a little fucking, just everything. It's just, it's awful. It's so bad. Minus five. I wish I could like pull the stats and be like, who's saying yes to this man? Who? I want to see the profiles of who's saying yes. No one good. I just I would just love to like, I would love to

see their profiles, you know, like I would love to see the horde that is amassing beneath this profile in a you know like a cryptic sort of like oh oh no what's happening i'm just gonna guess there isn't i mean that's probably true and most most likely is there is it's bots it's just a bunch of bots the bitterless the bitterness alone just like pervading this entire profile. It's like things aren't going well for this dude. Yeah.

I do want to like just put a hard, hard rule of being like, gentlemen, no woman wants to be called female. Yeah. Or a female. Right? Like it is just there is no quicker way to repulse women en masse than referring to women as females. No one wants to hear it. Like I see that like I once served a guy at work and he sat down like I'm waiting on two attractive females. Send them over here when you see them.

And I was like, oh, you want one more to close this out? Sure. This is Kylie currently fucking my manager brackets last pick and deleting Tinder because I'm in love with him. I mean, obviously the worst profile. Like, I can't think of a, like, you can go on a racist tirade. Like, all those things are categorically make you a bad person. But that's not to say that there isn't some idiot out there who aligns with it.

You know what I mean? So like you're, despite the fact that your profile might be absolute garbage and you're a garbage person, it could be serviceable to some other garbage person. But this I think is quite literally like deleting Tinder. Cause you're in love with your manager unavailable. No,

the thing is they didn't have to, they didn't have to update it they could have just deleted it so what this is is this serves as a like fire sale like last chance you know i mean i haven't deleted yet and then they've also i guess either provided a picture of them fucking their manager or a picture of their manager just so you can see who you're up against so you can like try to get that like desperate last message in wait how do you not know if they're fucking their manager or if it's just the manager because they don't have the picture i thought you meant that it was their last pick as in like of all their options the last picture on their profile is currently fucking my manager

so i don't know if it's currently fucking my manager last picture is him or last picture on their profile is currently fucking my manager. So I don't know if it's currently fucking my manager. Last picture is him or last picture is of me fucking him currently. I don't know. Oh, I see that this this added more spice to how bad the profile was. I thought it was like spicy, like I'm fucking my manager. It was it wasn't my first pick. In fact, it was my last pick of people who i would like to fuck but no it's not quite as desperate and it is far spicier i just really want to know what

this picture is is it him and her is it just him is it literally them fucking i will say we do know she works at the starbucks and the panera so it's either the manager of one of those and i think that does flavor it damn okay that changes things for me i got strong server energy from this i know right no it's worse this person is also 18 so it's not a great situation in general you see this is this is exactly i knew she was gonna be young there's some young hot starbucks managers yeah yeah i'm sure he's attractive not if he's a panera manager though though. No offense to anyone working Panera. No way. No way. If you're a Panera manager, your name is Greg.

Yeah. Okay, let's move on. This was Tinder's. If you're a Panera manager and you want to prove us wrong, send us your profile. Yeah, if you are a hot Panera manager, I would love to see it because I don't believe it. It's like baby pigeons. Never see them. Exactly.

We love you guys. I hope this is how we pop off. We just get flooded. Hashtag Panera. Yeah. Wouldn't it be funny if it was one of those things where just all Panera managers were actually hot? Maybe they are. Maybe that's it.

Maybe because I haven't seen one i'm assuming but it's because they can't go out front because once they stop doing the reports in back business fucking shuts down because even the hotness of their soup and bread combo cannot compare to the hotness of their face and bod because you know they're keeping it tight there used to be a panera near me but i think it's gone so we know anyone who works in theera? I don't think we do. Fuck. I don't think so. Do you think we can just like... I honestly don't think anyone works in Panera. I think it is a hoax.

I think Panera is a hoax. Maybe. Then who's Kylie dating? Definitely a young, hot Starbucks guy. Probably wears a gray suit to work. Okay, we got to go. I'm spiraling. Yeah.

Thank you very much for listening, friends. That's our episode. We appreciate you spending an hour with us every week. As I mentioned at the beginning of the show, live show next Thursday, this Thursday, when this recording comes out. Thursday, February the 16th in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Liberty Village is the neighborhood that we're in. The Black Sheep Cocktail Bar. Doors at 8.

Show starts at 8.30. We're going. We're doing all the things that you love. We're telling you how to date. We're telling you how to fuck. We're going to have a lot of fun. We're going to laugh with you. We're going to cry with you.

We're going to get drunk with you. We will have a couple spicy adult beverages. Yeah. It's going to be a blast. If you're interested, please come along. If you're not interested, come along too. Let us prove you wrong. Yeah. But If you're interested, please come along. If you're not interested, come along, too. Let us prove you wrong. Yeah, but if you are interested, make a reservations.

I'm not kidding. Make a reservation. I don't want to be like, sorry, you have to stand for two hours, which is fine. It'll still be fun. But what I really don't want is to be like, you got to go home. There ain't no room in here. We can't have you up here. Literally, the fucking fire brigade

are going to come and shut us down because we've got too many hot Panera managers in here. Yeah. Yeah, we might just have like a parade of hot Panera managers instead of the show. We'll see. That's our halftime show. If you're a hot Panera manager

and you want to oil yourself up for a halftime show, get on to us. Oh, also, if you have questions for the show, hit us. Also, if you're Josh Eaglepin' Era manager and you want to oil yourself up for a halftime show, get on to us. Oh, also, if you have questions for the show, hit us. Also, if you're Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities and their song Paper Stars, thank you. Ready for some bad sex writing? Yeah. This is an observation by Carmen Maria Mercado from In the Dream House. Norman Mailer once wrote,

The sniffs I get from the ink of women are always, among other things, too dykaly psychotic. In other words, one woman writing is mad, and a woman who loves women writing is mad squared. Hysteria and inversion, compounded like interest, an eternally growing debt. Mailer's use of the adverb dykaly suggests that, for him, disinterest in his dick must be a species of psychosis. Holy shit, all those words came at me in a way that I understood none of them. Don't read it again. It's fine. I'm just going to say that not only was it bad sex writing,

I think it was also bad writing. Yes. Well, Norman Mailer is an American novelist who I guess thinks women are awful and that lesbians are therefore doubly as awful and he sounds like a giant piece of shit so yeah it just like i i felt like i stumbled at the start of a race and i still finished but the whole time i was like you know those videos where people are slipping for a very long time it was like, where I was just slipping the entire time.

I just couldn't register anything. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Spain. And we have been your Fuck Buddies.