F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 23 - Totally Not A Dying Alien

Episode Date: February 25, 2019

Niall enjoyed a few (and by few I mean ten) cocktails prior to recording and yet we still somehow managed to keep this train running!  We revisit embarrassing stories thanks to listener submissions and pose a new question for us to laugh about.  Topics include how to not sabotage yourself, teen marriage, online dating profile death mystery, dirty talk dyslexia and new city situations.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I am Niles Payne. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Nailed it. Alright, well, welcome back, guys. I feel like something happened and I wanted to talk about it and I don't remember what it was. Was it the horrible bus I got up here? Because there was a man in front of me whose hood smelled like seafood and farts and not the bus. Because when I moved away to like try catch my breath, I was like, wait, oh, it's gone. And then he like bumped into me again. His like hood just like, what was he doing with his hood?

Maybe that's a superpower. Maybe he's a vigilante. That's his like fart hood. Yeah. Umante and that's his, like, thing. Fart hood? Yeah. I don't know. I had a lot of cocktails before this podcast today, so. I did.

Holy shit, we don't have whiskey. You! Fuck. Okay, guys, can we pause this? We're back. Well, fucking, hey. Yeah, boy. Man, how fucked up would that have been if we went this whole episode without...

We would have noticed eventually. I'm not sure I would. I've had 10 cocktails. All right. Do you want to start off with our audience question that we asked? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So last week we said some of the embarrassing things that we did to try and impress people and we spread out our feelers and we got some results in and i will say most of the responses are women and most responses are not about them but about what people have done to try and impress them and oddly enough it was all about guys jumping over things and concussing themselves. I will say one girl in particular, we're going to call Agent Bridge, she jumped off a bridge to impress a guy. It's good to know that this is a universal thing and not a guy thing. Yeah, she's just a badass.

And she's the only girl I talked to who admitted something stupid that she did, and I appreciate that. But yeah, she said she has not only jumped off a bridge to impress a guy, she has taken out her piercings and changed her hair color because the guy she was into didn't like either of them. An idiot.

The guy? Yeah. Yeah, so my girlfriend actually had a guy in the old building she used to live in. Between the bottom floor and where she was going, a guy got into the elevator and actually propositioned her for dinner and also dropped his credit score uh so that was his awful way to try and impress her especially because no most people don't really know what

a credit score means so if you just are like hey i'm good to pay my bills it's like cool also apparently smelled real bad like the best thing about that is just like, it's on par with pretty much any other random fact about you. Like he could just be like, I have $20 in my pocket. Yeah. It's like, all right,

cool. Thanks. I guess you could be really good at paying off your bills, but have no money. Or even just being like, I have my master's in psychology. Yeah. All right. Fuck me. Yeah. Cool. I guess. i guess i mean it's like that's kind of impressive i guess like if it's a good credit score great but like not really

indicative of a good lover or romantic partner yeah she's not the only girl who has said that people have come up and been like i make this much money and just kind of like stared at them and hope that that's all they need. Which also reminds me of a really funny article I read a while ago where like with the advent of online dating, a bunch of bank tellers were saying that they experienced a lot of guys coming in, withdrawing as much money as they could from their accounts to take pictures of it in the corner, like with them, you know, fanning it out only to try and like put it right back in and like worrying that it won't be in in time to pay their bills because they want to seem like ballers but aren't it's amazing uh yeah apparently it's a whole thing or people

getting in trouble for posting their bank statements as like tinder profile pictures when like there's sensitive information on there and people like well don't fucking do that i saw someone do that on instagram it was actually a woman who posted a fucking picture of her what was it not a tax return but it was like it was a very like it was like a government document yeah and i was just like you have your name your full address and like the only thing you scratch off with your fucking social insurance number but i was like there's still yeah like all of this thing is still and like you're also like this is your public persona profile so like if someone wanted to get any sort of personal information about you you've literally just put it on the internet

so maybe don't do that yeah um no people are don't just be careful with those documents on online. Uh, I think one of my favorite ones was, uh, my friend Erica, who has kindly let us use her story. Uh, somebody named a boat after her. Just Erica? Yeah. The Erica. Um, she was on holidays in Veradero. I'm shrugging cause I'm not it's not a real place yeah

and went to this like low-key kind of island and there was this like old dude there who was just like i'm in love with you like you should marry me like and she was like laughing it off and you know whatever she was on holidays with her friends so next year uh the same family goes back she's not with them but she gets a video and it's this guy, the same old dude being like, Erica, I love you. She's like, okay, that's funny. Next year, same shit, but this time he's pointing at a boat in the water. It's not like a yacht. It's like a boat.

It's like a little rowboat. It's called the Erica. See, I thought you were going to say he did it that day. No. Because I bet he just has a a dry erase marker he's like look no no but like it's Stephanie it's legit Clara yeah whatever Claire Clara Clara whatever your fucking name is um I have I have a lot so I think I might save some for next week yeah but uh i think one of the best was uh or worst uh same guy i think i might have to clarify this uh but a guy lied to my good friends who we're gonna call agent bowling uh he lied about his dad dying uh i guess to like create intimacy and like connection.

And they had like a good hug it out and like emotional night. And, uh, dad's still alive. Still doing great, man. That's such bad voodoo. Oh no,

he's sorry. His dad died eight months later. So yeah. Speaking of bad fucking voodoo, uh, he also lied about his job as a lawyer. So there you go. Don't lie about your dad dying like you know what

if you're an asshole and you just want to get laid once i mean fucking i mean i mean like no what i'm saying is like if this is your plan to like get a relationship it's like someone they're gonna sort this out yeah but even if it's like a once-off thing like that's the kind of thing if you hear about somebody, you're not going to be like, you're just going to be like, okay, that guy's fucked. Also, that is bad karma. Oh, yeah, no, 100%.

I had someone come into my work, get an interview, and do well, and then not show up and send this long, heartfelt email about how their dad died and they couldn't make it. And everyone felt pretty bad. And our GM was like, oh our jam was like oh shit like this you know was talking to them whatever and someone who we worked with actually knew the person didn't hear the original story and was like oh is this person like coming to work with us like and they were like yeah well like you know his dad died so and they were like what he was in work last night like because they

worked a different job with him. And they had a gala thing. And he was there. And she was like, look. And pulled up his Facebook. And there's pictures of him and the dad the day before. It's like, just don't do that. That's some advice.

Right now. It's not even a question yet. Don't lie about your parents dying. You fucking dumbass. You asshole. His dad's probably dead a question yet. Don't lie about your parents dying. Yeah, but like, yeah. You fucking dumbass. It was one of those things. You asshole. His dad's probably dead now. Yeah, I don't ever, like, I'm not a very superstitious person, but like, I never put that fucking shit out into the world.

It's just such bad, bad voodoo. Yeah, it's just a shitty thing. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, thank you for the audience participation, guys. I'm going to save some more for next week. Yeah. Because I like it. Ready for a question?

Yeah. This is from our good friend on Reddit, Bluehole Load. God damn it. Are you just looking up their fucking history? I'm not. No, I click on it and I don't realize until I've copied it into my document. Do they have the best or worst questions? I can't tell.

I don't really remember what their other ones were. None either. I just remember the name making me shiver. Yeah, I don't love it. And not in a kinky way. They ask, Does anybody else get anxiety the moment they start to really like someone they're dating? I've dated a lot, but very rarely do I find

someone I really like. Last time this happened, she could tell and dump my ass because she knew she didn't feel the same way. How do you deal with your feelings so that you don't fuck up a potentially good situation? I feel like this is a funny question because I've heard of that a lot. You know, where people are like,

oh, I like this person. I'm like, fuck. I love it. It's the best. What do you mean? Like, I don't get nervous and upset. I'm like, yay, I like this person. Yeah. Like... Yeah, I don't get nervous and upset. I'm like, yay, I like this person. Yeah.

Like. Yeah, I think it's, I think it really depends on, like, how you approach relationships. The situation, maybe, also. In the sense of, like, if you are frequently meeting people that you connect with or, like, are able to connect with people, even if it's not on a romantic level, I think the excitement or, like, the opportunity is a little more grounded whereas like i think if you although they do say they date a lot so i'm not sure but it's like it's one of those things where like if you're don't really actively looking for a relationship and

the second you find someone who like kind of checks all your boxes i can see yourself like psyching yourself out you know what i mean it's like anytime you're doing fucking like anytime you're like oh hey i did this thing watch like you're probably not gonna be able to vaulting over uh yeah really yeah um i think it's one of those things where like the second you start thinking about how much you like someone you also then start going through all the reasons why like they couldn't possibly like you or all the ways it'll fail you know what i mean or you just start second guessing your interactions with them because now you're like shit this is important instead of being natural you're being a weirdo yeah you're like oh that's yeah it's when you start thinking about like how do i respond to this text yeah i

feel like you start like judging their fucking like punctuation use and you're like that was i always judge punctuation use i know. I use exclamation points on everything. Yeah, that's cool. But, I mean, like, if you're just going to not throw down fucking full stops in a fucking sentence, get the fuck out. Or, no, what if it's just a lot of periods? That's fucking terrifying. That's worse, I think. Well, that's a medical issue.

They're just one after another. I hate you. Don't, like, change how how you act because obviously it's going well and i do think like maybe the situation is important like if you're a strictly like fuck buddy situation as opposed to like just like seeing each other or like whatever like you guys are very much like we're just fucking we nothing more. I can understand the like hesitation then. Because I've definitely been in that situation where like you start off and you're just fucking. And then, you know, after a while you kind of like, oh shit, I like this person.

And that I find, yeah, makes sense. Because all of a sudden you're in a different box to what you initially put yourselves in. Because you're like, shit, like I don't know if they feel the same way. I don't know if they don't. If I do this, will it end everything blah blah blah blah i don't think the answer really changes it's shit but you still gotta kind of bring it up to them you know what i mean yeah like if you're in a fuck buddy situation and you decide that you are liking them more and you want to move further you have two options to tell them or don't if you don't tell

them then you're just gonna kind of suffer yeah and things are gonna implode regardless because you're just gonna get more and more like built up about it and whatever or they're gonna do something you're gonna get jealous or you're gonna you know it's it's just not uh it's not situation that's gonna last uh whereas if you're honest with them then either they're gonna agree or they're gonna say no and if they say no fuck it it's good that you're out of that situation because it's just gonna breed unhappiness um and it was gonna happen anyway because if you just kept building it up that's not gonna end well well and there's always the chance they feel the same way or are willing to take it further. So I do think honesty in that situation is always kind of like the main

thing, but just don't get in your own head about it. Yeah. And I think another thing would be to, even if you really like someone, there's no like harm and still taking it slow. Like I know, I know there's sort of like that impulse the second you meet that person that

you're just like, Oh hell yes. Like I know, I know there's sort of like that impulse the second you meet that person that you're just like, Oh hell yes. Like you are, you're sort of like the one in quotations, uh, whatever that means to you. Um, where you just kind of like want to dive right the fuck in.

Um, and I think that's like, that can be scary for a lot of people. Um, and like just being that intense so quickly can scare people off even if they even if they do feel the same way because they're not seeing sort of like regulated you they're seeing like hyped up super intense version of you which is sort of like a misleading uh indication of who you are yeah well i'm yeah because like if it's one of those things where

like if you can't stop thinking about them hearing hearing that after a first date is a bit concerning. Even if it is from the sweetest point. And even if you like somebody, there are different... Because no one knows what red flag you're throwing out. Yeah. And so there are some things to maybe keep to yourself. If you can't stop thinking of someone after a first date, like hang on to that. And that might be something sweet to reveal later on.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Totally. Three months down, you can totally confess and be like, oh, you know what I mean? It's like I knew I was really into you. I met you and I couldn't stop thinking about you. Yeah. That's cool.

But after the first date, that's creepy. Yeah. Like later on, once you've established some sort of relationship and like the parameters of that relationship to sort of like drop those sort of romantic comedy, like sound bites on someone that soon into a relationship is going to freak anyone out. Probably. Yeah, definitely. Even if they like you. Run. Yeah, that's the thing.

Because they're crazy about you. Yeah, no, don't do that i think that like sticks in what i was saying is like don't like keep doing what you're doing as in like whatever you're doing before presumably you're acting naturally if you then are like shit i like this person like gun it into like 10th gear it's not gonna be good yeah you know they're gonna be like whoa bessie because obviously you have a horse in the room as well and that'll terrify that horse yeah you've bought them a horse named it after them and it's shaved in will you marry me oh funny uh if we're all we're talking about people doing weird things to impress you someone once bought me a printer that was not okay look man i just

thought you wanted to print your books that's all it was the third time i had i'd met this person three times including the very first time i met them and one time where they just showed up unannounced on my doorstep so yeah take that fucking don't do that and don't worry about like taking too long and and like losing them to someone else unless you're taking too long well no i'm joking no i mean like there's if you've if you've established connection great i mean like don't wait forever and hope they can make the first move that kind of thing but like if you've if you've already established a relationship like don't worry about fucking being like someone else is gonna sneak in and steal them you know what i mean because like chances are your desperation to hold on to them is gonna push them away faster than someone else is going to quote unquote steal away from you it's it's a lot easier to drive someone away than it is for someone to pull them away and you being jealous and like anything like that and like just fucking controlling

anything like that is just gonna fuck it up so much faster than even like oiled up tom hanks could do the sexiest of creatures yeah i was gonna say god damn just i know just the utterance of that phrase like I expect you to give me shit, but you paused and just shivered. Oh, yeah. No, I took every word of that and rolled in my brain and my mouth. You know what? Thought about it. I wasn't going to do this question first off the bat, but it's kind of topical.

Let's chain this shit up. Oh, baby, we're on the Synergy Game again. Although, you know what? I feel like at some point we should talk about the show like this podcast because we've never really talked to anybody we never even let anyone know like how we do this and like what our process is maybe on our 25th episode sure let's do it all right she 19 year old female wants to be engaged. But I'm, 21 male, not ready for it. And now we're fighting over it by thisisntmyslashyou on Reddit. Sorry, what was her age? 29?

19. Oh, 19 she wants to get married. 19 and 21. Hi. Speaking of taking it slow. Yikes. Anybody who needs to be married shouldn't be married anyone who has to be married right now shouldn't be married yeah like it like if you really love somebody then the marriage doesn't

necessarily matter right that's the thing like you're with them regardless the only reason to need it right now or want it right now is because you're worried they're gonna leave uh you want it for outside reasons like social status or security or something right like there's there's no reason to pressure it like i get you might want to you might be like oh i love this person but like at what point you like you need to you need to marry me right now yeah like unless unless they're like on a green card visa or whatever and like the only way to keep them in the country is to marry them then but you're not marrying for being married yeah i mean like if you're dating someone and it's like it's worked out and their visa's expiring it's like i could i could like but you're still not marrying to get married absolutely me personally

like i can i could see myself doing that like i think that's like the only sort of way it would like, yeah, you're a fucking Canadian citizen. You're good. I got nothing to offer you. I know a girl who got married after I think like six months because she was upset that her sister was getting married for the second time before she had been married once. Sounds well, in that case, obviously, that's a very legitimate reason. Yeah, well in that case obviously that's a very legitimate reason yeah no that's not that's not true um granted i don't know if that's really the reason but it like it certainly seemed that i know someone who publicly instagrams their divorce uh about a few weeks ago um which happened about six. Actually, no, I guess a year. But they decided they were getting divorced six months after being married, which I think was about twice as long as their relationship. Like, just like there's no rush when you're that young. Just don't get married.

Like you there's I don't think there's unless you're dying of cancer. Like, honestly. Yeah. I don't think there's any reason to get married at 19 my thing is like you guys haven't experienced at 19 you have not experienced and i'm saying this generally because i know there are a lot of young people who have experienced a shit ton of things yeah and like have gone through things that i can't even imagine of course what i'm saying is like but in general and i'm assuming this person the majority of of teenagers um you haven't experienced like what the world has to like the,

the realm of high school. And it seemed like everything sort of like ends and dies in high school. And it's like a breakup is the end of the fucking world. And like everything is heightened because you don't have the scope of the rest of the world is fucking time and the rest of your life. And like, yeah, it really is.

It's a lot of trivial shit and it's a lot of petty shit. And it's a lot of stuff that's heightened by hormones and emotions and like dumb yeah it really is it's a lot of trivial shit and it's a lot of petty shit and it's a lot of stuff that's heightened by hormones and emotions and like puberty and like all that shit that you're going through um so there's all this sort of like heavy weight on things um and then once you get older and you experience more of things through life whether it's relationships or heartbreak or whatever um you look back like i look back at the shit i was upset about when i was 16 and it's it's laughable like i wish i could be upset about this thing it's relationships or heartbreak or whatever um you look back like i look back at the shit i was upset about when i was 16 and it's it's laughable like i wish i could be upset about this the thing is like i i would go back to that sort of like quote unquote pain uh any day yeah because it was it was fucking okay compared to the sort of life day-to-day life of a responsible adult yeah um so like it's before you get married you should experience things and also experience things together because people are different when

they're under hardship and when they have to like do a bunch of different shit and like grow and like i doubt you've been living together very long if at all yeah and that's my thing it's like you need to take those steps you've never lived together you should not get married so i will say two things uh because i think we're both on the uh side of this is insane uh i don't think you should ever marry someone if they're pressuring you into it firstly true secondly this post got removed in the last half an hour. But before they did that, they had an update, which I just saw on the subway. And he was like, I want to sit down and talk about things. And he just like hashed this out.

And she said, if you want to talk about it, I'm moving back home. Yeah, that's. No, just. She's doing you a favor. Get the fuck out of this marriage. Yeah. No, just cool. She's doing you a favor. Get the fuck out of this marriage. Yeah, that's... Like, no, just fuck. Because, again, it's...

I think we've talked about this before. I don't remember what or why, but it's one of those things where, like, if the beginning of your relationship starts with an ultimatum, it's not going to be the first or the last time. No. Like, this is how your life is going to be with this person,

where every time they want something, they're going to give you that ultimatum of being like, either we're doing this or I'm doing this. Yeah. Or do you really want to live the rest of your life being like, you have kids one day and they're like, oh, how'd your mom get married? It's like, well, she threw a fucking tantrum and said she'd move home if I didn't do it. So I wasn't ready, but I said yes, because I was scared of losing her and having to find

someone else. Yep. Yep. Super. Also, you're probably divorced at that point, so. Yeah, 100%. Just, like, there's no rush to get married. There's no rush to do really anything. If you actually love each other, like, you have all the time in the world, literally.

So. And also, weddings are fucking expensive. Yeah. literally so and also weddings are fucking expensive so at 21 i highly doubt you have the fucking cash that isn't going to like absolutely ruin your lives forever you can start your fucking marriage in debt and misery yeah like unless your parents are rich and they're like even then pay for everything but but it's like that's i think the reason that marriage and people are so fucking miserable in new marriages when they're young, I think it stems from like that financial burden because you spend all this money on this fucking literally this one day that is absolutely inconsequential to your relationship. And then you're in debt.

You've spent all the money that could have been put towards an apartment, a first down payment on a house, a car, like anything that could have actually moved your fucking relationship forward and your life forward. Big boy pass when you hit 20. Yeah. College, you know what I mean? Like an education, anything that you could have spent this money on. Anything is, any like substantial thing is worth more than a wedding in terms of financial contribution.

Once like all the fairy tale and the fun of your marriage day is done with then all of a sudden you're like cool i'm 21 or 19 and now i'm married forever and now we just have to get on with our lives but all of a sudden like it's not this fun like future fairy tale thing it's like it's done and now you have to be an adult and live and like build a future together and do all these things that you haven't done yet but but then you don't get to do it because you're fucking working two jobs and you're both stressed about money yeah and you're both like and also like overworked when's the next thing like is she like we need this better house or we need kids yeah and then

it's like yeah it spirals so quickly out of control. Don't rush into shit because, like, it's not worth it. And honestly, if you do love each other, like, you don't need to do it right now. This is by Reddit user WeirdBoyWarBoss. I'm going to let that sink in again. WeirdBoyWarBoss. WarBoss. Is he me?

So here's the thing. I was thinking Warboss as in, like, the boss of a war. But now I'm thinking that maybe Warboss is, like, his last name. He's from the Mad Max universe. He asks... Or she... Could be you. They ask,

Is it a big no-no to describe yourself as intelligent? My dating profile summary currently reads, Intelligent, always positive hobbyist, seeking self-confident and level-headed woman who can put up with my poor health. I don't mention intelligence or anything to that effect in the body of my text, but no one's clicking on my profile

so they wouldn't know. I might also be ugly, but that's the next thing to figure out. So like, that's a wordy-ass description. What's a hobbyist? Is it just someone with hobbies? Or is that in a specific term? There's a lot of things here where I feel like it's a wordy ass description. What's a hobbyist? I mean, it's just some little hobbies. I mean, there's a lot of things here where I feel like it's it's where people fall into problems on online dating where they they analyze everything. But like the important thing and I think the important thing here is my poor health. Yeah.

Like that is not a selling feature. No. And I appreciate being upfront and honest about that. Click in and look at your profile. I think if you really want to be that upfront,

you need to be specific. Yeah. Like, poor health could be anything. Like, do you have cancer? Yeah. Do you have deteriorating mental health?

Yeah. Do you have... Do you just have a shit immune system? Yeah. Or are you just unhealthy? Do you just eat shit and not work out? Yeah. Like, what is poor health? And like what what is poor health thing like yeah by all means be upfront but

you really do like because not everybody is gonna want to or be able to be in a relationship with somebody who has specific needs and if you want somebody who can deal with those specific needs you kind of need to be specific about them you're fishing out there you know what i mean it's like don't like make make that bait at least a little bit attractive to get people to nibble i love how he thought intelligent was the that's the part that my thing i was like you're although you got back that up bro you're worried that they want to and not the fact that you are perhaps dying. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I do think that is definitely the most... Especially when like online dating is a competition for everyone.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But especially for men. If I was scrolling through a list of profiles and it was like, live, laugh, love. And like, I love Netflix and friends. And one was like, I'm a stabby bitch. I think out of those three, I might do stabby bitch.

Like, you can't be like, what? Why is no one choosing this? Or it's like, I'm super into cutting dicks off. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, okay. Let's be fair. I don't think we can compare cutting dicks and cutting, you know.

I know what you're saying. But like, yeah. Like, you can't be... Like, look, people out there have poor health. You know what I mean? So people, to varying degrees, people have their shit. I'm not going to say it doesn't happen, but also people out there can barely deal with their own lives, let alone somebody else's.

So if you see that on someone's profile and you don't click as a result like there's nothing wrong with that you know yeah no sure i'm sure it sucks to be the person but like there's nothing you can do about that on on either side of the thing um and if you're gonna be brave enough which like fuck i commend it to to go out there and you know be upfront about these things that's awesome but you can't be unaware that that's going to turn some people off. Yeah, deter people. But also, when it's so fucking vague. My thing is like...

That could mean anything. My thing is like, I'm... For sure, put it in your fucking profile, but don't put it in your fucking headline. You know what I mean? Like, if you have, like, if people are scrolling... Which app is this?

I don't know. But I'm assuming it's probably like, OKCupid or something like that, where, like... That's kind of what you see first before you click into it. Yeah, like when you get your matches, you get like a list. And then there's probably like a picture, name, age. Yeah.

And then like probably a fucking like little snippet. Just be like, you know what I mean? Whatever you want to say. And then in your profile, when people actually are like, oh, this guy's cute, and I kind of like what he's about, and they click on it, and then you can be like, oh, hey, I have this.

Yeah, and the thing is, there's no harm chatting to somebody for a bit before letting them know that, because it's online. It's whatever. If you have an app in your pocket, you can spend the time to exchange a few fucking sentences.

Yeah. It's different maybe if you make them meet up with you, and you're like, oh, just a surprise. a surprise like by the way i'm chronically ill yeah yeah you know um but also can you reread it for a second yes i just need to hear that tagline for a second intelligent always positive hobbyist seeking self-confident and level-headed woman who can put up with my poor health okay put, put up. I thought you said deal with initially. And I was like, it sounds like you just want someone to look after you.

I mean, put up still isn't the best verb. Yeah, put up as well. It's also really like, sorry, that was the biggest plosive. Yeah. It's kind of like aggressive, right? Like, will you put up with me? Yeah, putting up with someone is like the last thing that you want to do. Yeah. Like, putting up with means you don the last thing that you want to do yeah like

putting up with it means you don't like them but you're around them for another reason yeah you know what i mean it's like i put up with some people that i work with oh isn't that the truth um but it like i don't i don't want to hang out with them they're like they're like that's like the bare minimum that i need to do in order to continue functioning at my job is putting up with someone the last thing i want to do is enter into a relationship in which like the expectation is to put up with anything really yeah yeah i just i feel like okay but i guess we're getting sidetracked that's not the question is it is putting the word intelligent a problem um that's a good point you do make a good point there and i'm gonna say yeah it is

yeah i think you sound really like arrogant or like uh elitist yeah for me it's one of those things where i i immediately get turned off when people call themselves unique as well. Because it's like that's not a classification you get to decide for yourself. Yeah. And also, I will bet you anything, most of the people calling themselves intelligent or unique are not very intelligent or unique. Intelligent stuff. Because I consider myself intelligent. Would I ever, would I ever like describe myself as, you know what I mean?

Like would I ever be like, hi, look, I'm an intelligent young man. It's like, well, I mean, I'm also not a young man. It's one of those things that carries a lot of baggage and a lot of sort of like there's a lot of it's one of those things that like it's it probably goes unspoken you know what i mean like i don't ever assume anybody's dumb right or like unintelligent it's like i assume everyone's unique and everyone is intelligent like and for you to point it out makes me not believe it necessarily. Yeah. Or it makes me feel like you're trying, like it seems very try hardy or whatever.

Like, and also like, I don't know. It's, it's one of those things like I want to find out, not be told. Right. You wouldn't just be like hot man,

attractive man. It's like, like if I was just like, Hey, I'm a, I'm an attractive man. Even if I was, you'd be like,

yeah. Are you? And it's also like, that's a subjective thing. You look at it like i can i can see like how do you how do you measure your intelligence is it like just an iq test is it like well you know what i mean but how do they measure their intelligence yeah no right is it like have you studied battlestar galactica a lot like that's the thing are you good at math are you if you have like a certain intelligent or like if you have like a field of expertise mention that you know what i mean maybe like if you want to be like you know engineer yeah also hobbyist literally means people who like i looked it up mean someone who's into a hobby who fucking named the hobby i know it's it's a very vague don't tell me like i tell me like, I like fun things. Yeah, more fun things.

Breathing human who does things. Human with functioning brain who does things and I might be dying. I mean, yeah, that's pretty much what his tagline is. Like, the thing is... It's like a very ill alien trying to pass himself off as a human on online dating i will bet you somebody told him once uh you know i love fan who are tall dark and mysterious and he's tall and dark and he's like how do i get to be more mysterious he's like well i won't tell them about my hobbies how i categorize how smart i am or whether i'm even gonna live past this month

oh yeah i mean yeah i think i wish there was like a a cheat sheet of just being like here are words not to use to describe yourself on online data i just i feel like it it should go without saying but i guess it doesn't i mean like i think i think always positive like i think a like a positive also if you're dying you have to be well I mean like saying things like that or like if you're

what's the bet he has like a sprained ankle or something yeah I mean I don't know I don't know are there replies

what do what does everyone else say I don't know because it's not I copied the question not like the link okay and like i i

hope it doesn't seem although i do i do recall i like one of the questions was just like dot dot dot what's your poor health which is but there was no answer so i don't it's the first thing everybody's gonna think yeah like there's no way you you put something down there that says that that isn't gonna draw questions like it's it's very unique, shall we say? Yeah. Ironically, it's not very intelligent. No, I just I feel like you can't really if you're going to drop something that honest and that like raw and like big because let's be fair, it is you you can't be vague because not only do you have to get someone who's vaguely interested into it or like a possible but like then they're gonna have to be like oh am i okay

with dealing with whatever this could be which is a lot of things and people's imaginations are fucking huge right so even if it's going to be harder to attract the average person, to attract somebody who might be okay with whatever you have, you can't give them, oh, the possibilities are endless. You know? Yeah. If you're being specific, if you're like, hey, I've impaired visibility or I'm the most mobile or something, someone would be like, I don't give a fuck. But that's a very specific situation and person, I think. you know i'm the most mobile or something someone would be like i don't give a fuck yeah but like that's a very specific situation and person i think like i think you have to be more specific oh 100 you just can't be vague yeah you can't leave that sort of just like and and also like

and this might sound bad but like i feel like nobody's gonna want to like because the only way to find out is by being like hey hey, like, I saw your profile and I was like wondering. And what if you say something that they can't deal with? Yeah. And it's bad as well. Like, what if you're like, hey, like, I have terminal cancer. And maybe you're not the kind of person, which I don't think a lot of people would be. They'll be able to enter in a relationship knowing that and being strong enough to do that.

That's a huge ask. But can you imagine just ghosting them then or you'd be like sorry so like i'm sure even people who might have taken sorry i just got out of relationship i'm not willing even if it's short term you know yeah like and that's the thing is like even people who might be okay with whatever they probably don't want to risk asking in case it's something they can't deal with because then then they can't just be like, um, bye. Like, can you imagine like, I'm sorry, I have insert serious illness here. And then just like, you've been blocked. Like, yeah, what? No one could do that. Like if they reply to you, they're, they're in it for life. Yep. All right, hit me.

What is the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you during sex? And I will preface this with the example of the question asker who was 4thDust141, because it's fucking great. I was usually hooking up with this guy, she is a lady, and it was going great. I got on top, and he commented on how great it felt from that angle, so naturally I said, oh yeah, you like that cock? Now I don't have a cock, and I never have. He kind of just stared at me blankly so I stopped briefly and was like yeah not sure what made that come out of my mouth and we continued honestly I wanted to shrivel up right there I've definitely done that you've asked someone how your vagina felt no I don't remember what it was but it was like I was thinking about like it was probably something

along the lines of like lasagna like i want to eat your cock like you know what i mean like pardon yeah you know what i mean like i was i was thinking like you want them i want them to suck my cock and i want to eat them and like do you just flip it around and like or they're like stroking you you know i mean like have you legitimately told a girl you want to eat their cock? No, but like, like definitely, I've said something along the lines of like,

I want to fuck their cock or like, like, or like I've told them to like suck my pussy or something. What? Okay. I need to be specific.

I don't remember, but I've definitely, you've mixed up. I've definitely done the like swap of things. I kind of get it in that. I don't think I, I haven't done that but i have i have this weird habit of mixing up like terrible and terrific

whereas like people like how was that i'm like oh it's fucking terrible i'm like i mean terrific and they're like what i'm like i've done that so many times not even just in the sex scenario just in general i don't know why yeah i know because like i bet she was thinking like i i love or like do you like the way i'm riding your cock yeah she's probably like also being like no i want to take control maybe how does your cock feel or something but yeah no i just think it's really funny um yeah no i've i've definitely done the swap and i've just been like but the thing is like i've always laughed my ass off about it and like so if they yeah like know what I mean? It's like, whatever. That fucking happens.

Oh, man. Other than me sneezing into the vagina. That's pretty good. Which is a story I've told in one of the earlier episodes. That was one of the first ones. I think it might have been the first. I don't know. No, I think it was two or three.

Okay. But up there. do you have a story obviously i do yeah okay you tell your story i'll try to think see and i had the luxury of thinking for thinking about for the last two or three hours um like i i really wish i knew the words to describe the whole thing perfectly but i had basically like met this girl we'd gone and we'd like we were having sex in like a unique kind of like circumstance we'd broken into this like unused cabin and it was in the dark um would you call it spooky it was pretty spooky um and like it was it was just like one of those really really great like moments where like chemistry was just so good like everything we did was just so good of those really really great like moments where like chemistry was just so good

like everything we did was just so good and like the sexual experience was awesome like everything was great but like i recently around that time with like other people i hooked up with like i've been getting like a lot of like really nice compliments on my penis and i was feeling pretty happy about my penis and we had we had sex it was great but like it was in the dark and like yeah it was great but I was kind of like oh it's a pity like I didn't really get to like appreciate like their body they didn't really get to like appreciate mine and like we finished and like I went and I like because we weren't at home or anywhere I had to dispose of the condom so I went like got some tissue paper and like wrapped it, like, gave myself a little bit of a wipe,

and, like, went back into the room, and she said, again, this nice thing about my dick, and I was, like, fuck it, like, I found a light, and, like, trying to be all sexy, which, again, anytime I try and be sexy, just fails miserably, so, like, flicked on the light while kind of being, like, oh, yeah, like, this dick, kind of kind of like it's paraphrasing uh but it turns out when i had put the toilet paper on it i guess it was all sticky and whatever and some of it come off so what i'm expecting to be this big like sexy look at my dick moment it's just like there's just some toilet paper on it looks like a ghost you've ghostified your dick yeah basically find your dick and again we laughed our fucking asses off like we it was like we laughed so hard it was great uh it was a really fun moment but it was just like

super embarrassing because like again just trying to be super sexy and cool and like it's so funny i feel like anytime i get that like yeah go niall a chip on my shoulder i just get undercut so hard i'm like yep that's that's how it is so i was with this girl who like it was it was a pretty rare like hookup but like it was an ongoing thing like we've been sleeping together for like fucking years but it would be like twice a year um and it was one of those things where like it was a lot of dirty talk in between those times and it was it was sporadic but there would be things where like, it was a lot of dirty talk in between those times. And it was, it was sporadic,

but there'd be times where like, obviously she was horny or I was horny and we'd like message each other. And, um, it came up that she, she really wanted me to like come on her face. Um, which I was like,

okay, cool. Whatever. Um, and so when she finally came over, um, literally we were fucking, um we i got we got to like the point and i was like okay like i'm about to come so like when i pull up get ready to get on

your knees and like get down nice and low for me and she's like okay great cool um but you got in your knees instead yeah and then i just came all over myself no um so she did it and i like but then i struggled to get the fucking condom off but she had her eyes closed um i guess in preparation to not get any in her eyes um so like i struggled to get the condom off and like i kind of like got most of it in the condom and then i managed i was like i still got some so i tried to like finish on her face yeah but all i managed was just like like an inch long line right down her nose and I was just like damn it

I don't think that's that embarrassing I mean like she was expecting like a porn star like she had a rascal she just emptied the condom oh god I am clearly joking do not do

honestly you know what if I had thought of it but like well we gotta never do this podcast again yeah yeah that's I think that might be one of the most embarrassing things yeah again as with our trying to impress people or being impressed by people feel for the last note oh actually you know what I do already

have two from people because they were by people, feel for the last note. Oh, actually, you know what? I do already have two from people because they were around me when I found the question. And they're both just people puking on dicks. Oh, boy. So. You know what? I've had a girl almost do that. I never have, and I'm okay with that.

One puked on the dick, but then might as well contain it and slurp it back up before it left, which I think is worse personally uh the other one just all over everywhere it I don't I wouldn't be mad about that you know because considering the circumstances and what

I feel like I assume it was like a deep throat thing oh they were both guys and yes but I assume I don't know deep throat I assume I got the impression one was maybe just from excess alcohol but yeah probably if it was if it was sorry you said cheap so i just wanted to clarify i wasn't saying like deep throat no they're boys yeah um yeah i would if it was a deep throat thing and like if a girl threw up on me because she was trying to like just going so

hard i would be like i i would honestly feel so bad for her like because I knew she would be so embarrassed but like I would be the most like reassuring like I'd be like I fucking hope so I don't care

like yeah no it doesn't matter I don't want this to ruin your dreams of deep through me and I know like I've definitely heard people talk about like farting or queefing

and it's like firstly no one gives a shit if you queef ever no like no one in the world has been like oh that's embarrassing

like what nobody cares but girls get so so upset about it nobody gives a fuck yeah we're fucking you whatever

no one cares also with farting no one gives a fuck yeah like no one cares nope so this one is from agent cobra um once again thank you

for actually using our facebook messenger and uh not it's a it's a pretty select club uh but it's the best people i know so far pretty strong pretty strong crew fuck yeah i mean are you able i mean not really because it's it's, it's... Okay, sorry, yeah. No, our legit questions, not the people who are trying to fuck us and or get us to hack people's messages for them.

But the people who have actually sent us questions. Yeah. I feel like our unique club are the people who've sent us legit questions and Gandalf. And AsianCobra asks,

what advice do you have for someone moving to a brand new city where they don't know anyone from meeting new people? Preferably not Bumble or Tinder. So there's this thing called hinge no um i will say bumble has a like bff option it's not just dating there's like bumble like you trust man to use that sincerely um i'm not saying meet me using but like if she's a lady looking for like lady friends to go out and then meet, you know what I mean?

Like introducing yourself to like-minded individuals is a good way to meet new people. That's true. You know what I mean? So I moved across the world to Canada. And when I got here, I knew nobody and I was homeless. And this was one of the things I had to deal with. I was lucky in that I did like a year, like an exchange year in University of Toronto. So I met some people there.

And I think that's kind of an important thing is that like you need a thing to go to. You need like, so I think personally like classes are, and like, let's look at it this way. You move to a new place. Loneliness and boredom are two very real dangers. How do you get rid of both of them? You have free time,

pick something you've always wanted to do and fucking go do it. Like go to a knitting class, go to a martial arts class, go to a yoga studio, go fucking learn circus shit like i bet you that there's a bunch of shit that you've probably considered or never thought of or whatever that like you could go and do and the thing is you'll be in a place you'll be with a bunch of people it's a very non-threatening environment where you're gonna like almost be

forced to become friends with these people because you're in the same room doing the same shit you'll share the interests and be they guy or girl be they romantic or platonic you know relationships they will then lead and expand your circle of friends and like you'll know their friends and you'll be able to go out with them to a bar and then whether or not you meet someone there is a different thing and like, like, it starts that kind of spider webbing, right? I would say, yeah, definitely try to find platonic, like, awesome platonic friends before you try to jump into... Yeah, because you need that base, regardless. Because that's the thing.

It's like, because if you end up finding, like, a romantic partner, it's like, then that's all you have. And that's going to be bad for everybody. And then it ends up being really dependent on them. Because, like, if it doesn't work out, then you're alone and depressed and you have no one to fall back on. So I think, like, the first priority, you're absolutely right is finding like a solid network of like even if it's like three people because if they're from that city they also have friends

who you then can have like a more casual acquaintance to and like maybe that will lead to a relationship or at least like they'll invite you to things and do things and yeah like um i would highly recommend joining um independent clubs um and by that i mean like don't go to the big box gym go to like an independent gym that's fair um because uh with my gym we they do social things all the time like we did like that boxing speed dating dating thing um which was like wild and didn't really lead to anything, but it was still fun. That was a great experience.

And there's a potential ability to meet people. Yeah. But they also do summer barbecues, and they do fight nights, and they do events that you can go to. And I don't think a lot of big gyms do that, because they're all about- No, if you're in fucking good life or something. I think one, they have- They're all about just selling you personal trainer hours.

And also, they have too many people i think it's like yeah all 12 000 people who've signed up and you know only 2 000 go to the gym let's all go to a barbecue with free fucking chicken wings like yeah no they can't do that and why would they need to right like find somewhere with heart also like even like look around, again, where you're moving to, I'm not sure how similar it'll be to here, but I'm sure similar enough. Because, like, you know, you can go to, like, fringe bars or, like, even just bars in general that'll have, like, you know, Rorschach on the east side. They do, like, a drop-in D&D night every now and then. I think it's fucking great. I think you'll really enjoy that. And you'll be put in a group of, like, you know, between four and six to eight people, I'm assuming. And, like, that'll be put in a group of like you know between four and six to eight people i'm

assuming and like that'll be super fun and like if you show up and it sucks you can just never go again you know what i mean like it's fine or uh like a book club or like you know there's probably some cool breweries or bars that do like these things 100 even if it's like trivia night yeah like they will put you in a group I think almost every ad I've seen for Toronto Trivia is like come with a group

come alone we'll put you in a group yeah exactly and that's the thing we did that in Brooklyn when we were in New York we showed up it was a complete accident

we just ended up at the bar and they were like we're doing trivia night and we were like hey we ended up talking to these two great girls

and doing a whole thing with them and it was great it sucked but it was great yeah we weren't good at it two great girls and like doing a whole thing with them. And it was great. Yeah. It sucked, but it was great. Yeah, we weren't good at it. I don't think we got a single question mark. That was the night I got real drunk. And then rallied like a champion.

Yeah. I think maybe the drunkest I've seen you. Yeah. If we discount you getting drugged. Yeah. But even then, I was too busy. Yeah. I had my own capital n night do a survey like

when you get there like fucking you'll have time like find the cool bars find their events like you know like famous last words in toronto has a lot of book themed events and like cocktail classes and like book clubs and like shit like that like i'm sure there's somebody somewhere like that there there's also like neighborhood facebook groups that you can join because i sure there's somebody somewhere like that there. There's also neighborhood Facebook groups that you can join. Because I know there's one for Parkdale. There's one for the Junction. There was a night Amanda and I went out. And Amanda posted a thing on our neighborhood's fucking Facebook group.

And was just like, we're at this bar. We're going to be drinking all night and wandering around the neighborhood. So come out and join us. And we had like five or six people show up. And it was just a bunch of random people. And we just hung out with them all night and wandering around the neighborhood so come out and join us and we had like five or six people show up and it was just a bunch of random people and we just like hung out with them all night and then like by the end of the night there was only like i think there's four three or four of us um and it was like fucking great because it was like we've never talked to them again but yeah but like if you met someone cool you you could have you know like anyone who kind of stood out even like the irish and new in toronto like you could have, you know what I mean? That's the thing, yeah. Or, like, anyone who kind of stood out. Even, like, the Irish and New In Toronto, like, Facebook group.

Yeah. They, you know, I'm sure there's a New In wherever you're going group or something. Because, like, with the internet these days, it's not, well, why wouldn't there be, you know? Yeah. Like, there's definitely somebody in the same situation, right? Yeah. And, like, as a pretty girl, or as a woman just in general, you kind of have to be, like. You are a pretty girl uh or as a woman just in general you kind of have to be like you are a pretty girl a little more uh you know protective or at least a little more cautious

i thought you were giving uh like a self example and i thought you were joking oh no so like waiting for the punchline you're like as a pretty girl i'm like yes you are a pretty girl dan um but yeah yeah you gotta be gotta be careful so i don't want to give like when you're i assume you're you're smart enough to know all these things yeah exactly and the thing is like if you're going to a class there's a bunch of people there it's definitely a lot safer than just like i mean more about like posting on facebook groups yeah yeah being like i'm gonna be you know what i mean like or asking if there's like things going on well more so you can go do a thing you know like if you're part of the group and someone's like hey we got this so i said like try find like the cool places and like

what's kind of great is that one it's an adventure but two like if you're in a new place like you get to fucking scope it out and like discover all these things that if you're trying and if you're like you know actually looking i'm sure you'll know places that even the locals don't know by the end of it yeah you. You know what I mean? Because people are complacent. They're just like, eh, we'll go to this bar. And it's like, what the fuck? So there's probably somewhere cool.

You know, there's probably some niche club. And, like, there's probably something you've wanted to do that you never got a chance to do. Moving into a new place and, like, you kind of have a blank slate to kind of just sort of, like, do whatever you want. Yeah. And, like, figure out what your scene is. Because, like, you might have, like, you figure out what your scene is. Cause like you might have like, you might know what you're into, but you might also sort of like be like,

I kind of want to do something new. Yeah. I mean like I did that with boxing. Like I had never boxed and I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I kind of want to try it out. And like,

I did that for like four years. It's like, you'll, you might find something that you really enjoy and it's like, it's a, it's a good time to take a chance. Yeah. And if you,

and if you like, um, like bands, uh, or try to bands or try to like a certain fandom, you can also look into that. Because I know Toronto does screenings for cult movies and stuff. So going there and finding people who are into this fucking weird movie or band or whatever. They probably have a monthly showing of The Room. And if you haven't seen it, go see it. Yeah.

But there was also a thing where uh one of the theaters was doing all the harry potter movies yeah and like it was they were doing like a full day of like just and you could drop in at any point in time and like come and watch yeah whatever it's like yes going to the movie theater isn't the best place to like talk but if there's like intermissions there's probably and also like all these things there's always a bar either right next door that people are going to or an official like we have an after party here exactly and like if you do go to these things you don't have to be like hey i'm a person you're a person hi you can be like hey you like harry potter ground yeah like what's your favorite fucking book yeah just like let's fight about something

they'll be like what but like what's your favorite book they'll be like prison of azkaban like prison of azkaban fucking sucks. There you go. Made a friend. Yeah. Hit them. You could just start carving thunderbolts into everyone's forehead. Oh, yeah.

That could be your thing. You could become the town's Voldemort. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Cut your nose off. Cut it off. Get seven horcrux.

Just run up to people. Run up to small children on their seventh birthday. And then. And just yell, you're a wizard. And then. Oh, no. That would be so harmful. And then take, you're a wizard. And then, oh no. That would be so harmful. And then take them away to a castle.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, we've done it. Now you have a bunch of kid friends. They'll grow up to be real friends. Let's see if I have a quick one. Should I go home with a MILF? Yes. Yeah, there we go.

That's an actual question. I know, and that's my answer. Do you have some bad sex writing for us? The Book of Numbers Oh hell yeah Wait sorry You gotta get coffee Oh sorry The Book of Numbers

By Joshua Cohen Her mouth was intensely Ovalid An almond mouth Of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop. Sams were about to pour out of me. Vous, Josh, I said. Vous habillez.

Je vais me undressed close off. Un habillez. Desab. Is that it? That's it. It's not great. What the fuck? I don't know. You can't call something an animal and then immediately call it another animal. He was like, they're like fawns.

And then he was like, oh, but they're also sheep. Yeah, I know. How are her tits like fucking animals frolicking? I don't understand. Also, how is it an almond and then also a slice of a fucking lemon? He's an idiot. Does he not know what shapes are? He's a dumbass.

He's just... Josh Cohen, fight me. I almost promise, like I can promise you, he was just looking around the room and just saying things. Her boobs were like a white drawer and her, a lcbo bag her her lips were blue coolers and a a sexy podcast host her nipples were erect like a standing fan her tits were like two eager microphones headphones sticking out of them and coming towards his ears with pleasure and passion her breasts were two empty whiskey Thank you for listening. It's been a pleasure. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have.

I have. Thank you to everyone who got back to us about our questions, about sharing embarrassing stories. If you want to share the most embarrassing thing that happened to you during sex do it do it we will definitely keep your names covert in fact we're going to start doing it unless you specifically say give me like name me i'm just going to give you an agent name because uh i would rather err on the side of caution yeah um if you have a question you'd like to send to us, or if you would like to hit us up with your most embarrassing either

impressing story or a sex story, you can email us at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can also find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. Now, thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harbor Cities for their song, Paper Stars. Yeah. He's quitting smoking, so find him on Twitter. And fucking make him smoke.

Yeah. Just send him pictures of cigarettes. Send him pictures of us until he needs to smoke again. You know what time it is, guys. What time is it? Damn time. What time is it? Damn time.

Who do we hate? Dan time who do we hate Dan when do we hate him now yeah so I I commented on on Dan's

how to get your girlfriend or wife to lose weight post and he reported it so that's why the other comment wasn't showing I guess yep

so you have to click into show all to find my comment because I guess it's still under debate. But fuck you, Dan. He's still posting and it's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. I know. We woke him. He slumbered and we woke him.

Dan says, new post. How can I make my ex's new man look unattractive compared to me? Oh, boy, Dan. Why do you do this? Go back to your sleep. Slumber againractive compared to me. Oh, boy, Dan. Why do you do this? Go back to your sleep. Slumber again. Just go to bed. And don't ever.

Don't say it. Don't put that evil. We just said. Don't ever be a shithead. Yeah. On internet again. Don't do it. My name is Dan Miller.

And I am Niles Spang. And we're your fuck buddies.