F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 230 - At Your Poopiest

Episode Date: February 27, 2023

If you're about 5'2" and have boobs AND a butt, I'd love to hear from you.  Topics include sex preference waiver, abortion fund, too fat for Wednesday, hair loss hardships, how to silence your butt, if it walks like a misogynist and talks like a misogynist... and Tinders!

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast where we find questions either roaming the wilds of the internet, or we get them sent in by our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here, right now, with you, every Monday. Occasionally, live. At really fun live shows. Because guess what? listeners and we answer them right here, right now with you every Monday, occasionally live at really fun live shows. Cause guess what? It's finally the time where we've actually had the live show in the past. It's true. It went really well.

It did go very well. And you know, for the most part, I stand by what I said, which was just thanking people to who came out. Yeah, no, you guys were incredible. I will say the caliber of audience questions was insane. It was so good. Y'all really delivered. And on top of that,

everyone was really cool. Everyone, the people who worked the event taught they were great. We thought you were great. Everyone seemed to have fun. So thank you to everybody. That was awesome. Now I will say,

if you're interested in coming to the next one, March 16th book ahead, because we did sell out. Yeah, we had a lot of people the day of being like, we're going to come. We're like, oh, great. And then they didn't have a table and there was no space. So if you do want to come, this isn't us trying to be like tricky and be like, oh, you know, we got to fill up early. No, it fills up fast. It filled up early. No, it fills up fast. It filled up fast. And we want to make sure, especially if you have more than like, if your group is bigger than four people, you got to get in quick.

Oh, for sure. Because the likelihood of having a table or anything like that. So if you want to come, book early. So our next show is the Thursday, the 16th of March day before St. Patty's day, uh, still at black sheep once more. So we will be posting links to it on our social media and stuff, but you can just head on over to,

uh, any of their social media stuff. Uh, black sheep to, I believe is their Instagram. You can reserve tables from there. Just make sure you're there for either thirsty Thursday or fuck buddies. It's the same event. Uh, it just lets them know that, uh, you know sure you're there for either Thursday, Thursday or fuck buddies. It's the same event. It

just lets them know that, you know, you're coming to see us. And if for some reason you book and then you can't come, feel free to cancel that booking so that we don't say the place is full and then people don't show up. We can't wait to see you again next week. Do you have a question? No.

Okay. I'm not Spain. I'm Dave Miller. We've been your fuck buddies. Nah, we got it. We got it right here. I'm going to start with this. This is no fucking on Friday. My ex-girlfriend, 25, wants to have casual sex with me, 22-year-old male, while we're both still single, but there's a catch.

My ex contacted me a few days ago and said she wanted to have sex. A no-strings-attached situation. Our relationship came to an end without drama. We realized we were better off as friends, and now we might be friends with benefits, but first I had to tick all the boxes on the preference sheet she prepared for me. I'm not even kidding. She texted to me. This is on her list based on her past experience with me. Intense eye contact. No. Man moaning. Yes. Bending me backwards to kiss me during doggy. No. I like my spine intact. Biting. No.

Thrusting when I have your dick in my mouth. No. Expecting me to swallow. No. Winking at me when we lock eyes during oral. No. Condom. Yes.

Telling me you're about to go and then saying, or am I, is not funny. The first time you did it, I still will not be funny if you do it again. So no. Death gripping my tits. No. 10% missionary and 90% everything else no what do i do i mean this sounds fucking sick as hell it sounds sick as hell yeah why not i love this i love i think this is great i think having someone come up to me and say here's all the things i want from sex especially someone who's their ex so like there's really no like you have a sexual history

you know you don't want to date again so why not just be very transactional about it why not put everything on the table that you want and the things that you don't want why not put it right out in the ocean because you don't have to navigate the like oh i don't want to scare them off i don't want to do this i don't want to seem overbearing I don't want to do this. I don't want to seem overbearing. I don't want to do that. No, you guys are doing this specifically just to fuck. You guys know that you aren't compatible. You know you're better as friends. So why not make it super, super transactional and be like, yes, I don't like when you do this. So don't do it.

Here are the things that I like. So do these. Well, because she's taking away your best move. I'm going to come. Or am I? I mean, that. Is it worth being in the room if you can't do that but that that's how you know right like if that's what the great thing about a preference sheet and this is actually something i've been seeing people suggest become sort of like a standard maybe not as uh familiar as uh this

this lady was because i think there is a little bit of humor in there as well of someone who you used to date but i know that like so i hope i hope the tone is funny because like it seems like it could be but it also seems like it might not be and it's like if this is humor great if this is like bitter and weird maybe you don't want to have sex with this person no i 100 think this is this is like tongue and cheek playful it might not be no i mean again even if it's quote unquote bitter really all the things they're requesting aren't that bad like please don't fucking crank my neck around so you can kiss me while you're fucking me from behind a valid point please don't grab my tits with excessive force a valid point

i'm not saying none of them are right. But what if that's not what you do? You know what I mean? Well, if it's me, either way. Semantics. You are completely right. Why not? There's like, the ice has been broken, presumably.

You guys used to date. You ended shit without drama. Better off as friends. You want to fuck, presumably. She wants to fuck definitely nothing on here is ridiculous so it's like oh wait i forgot there was a bit there's a bit after okay there's a bit after i didn't know why it didn't show up i still need to respond are all those no's an indication i'm bad and bad i had no idea she had all these problems with me

when we were having sex oops that changes That changes things. That changes the question. No, I don't think it indicates that you're bad at bed. I think there is probably a list of things that we all prefer not to do or, or, you know, quote unquote tolerate, uh, because of, of the partnership, you know, like I, I don't know anything in there, hopefully, wasn't enough of a... It makes me think, if you were bad in bed, why would you come back for sex, specifically and exclusively? It's a very good point. Also, people can realize what they like. Maybe she had an experience with somebody else.

Maybe it was just a, as she's now maturing or whatever, she knows a little bit more about whatever. And she's like more willing to like take a stand maybe with the distance of you guys, not dating. She feels confident in setting these parameters. Most of these are pretty funny. Again, I hope. And these are things also, I would hope that my partner would bring to my attention, even if we were in a relationship, like, you know what I mean? Like I would, I would hope that my partner would bring to my attention, even if we were in a relationship, like, you know what I mean? Like I would, I would hope someone would tell me, be like, Hey, you're squeezing my boobs a little too hard. Can we relax on the boobs? Or I don't like boob play.

Those are all important things to let your partner know. And I think, I think we should take a lot out of this little preference list of, of having a mental preference list in your mind. And the second you realize that it falls into the either yes or no category to bring it up with your partner in a timely manner outside of the bedroom, unless it is a, an immediate like, ow, that hurts. Please don't do that.

I don't think there's any harm in like, we, we are huge advocates of the sort of debrief cuddle time when you're cuddling afterwards and you give a couple things that you liked and a couple things that maybe you don't want to do again or tweaks to maybe make it work. I love having that conversation where someone's just like, oh, and the next time we do that, do you mind if we put my leg up or can I have my knees on the bed instead of be standing? Like, yeah, absolutely. For sure. Look, Dane, you raised a really good point.

The fact that she wants to fuck you is an indication that you are good in bed, right? Like, why would she not want to fuck you? But is that to say you can't get better? No. So like, don't get upset that she doesn't want you death gripping her tits. Maybe just think back on how you used to treat her tits i'd be better take this as a moment of growth again hopefully she's messaging you these with slight tongue-in-cheek and like kindness and not being a dick doesn't seem like it that she's being a dick so take this as a stepping stone forward if you want to have sex

or have sex with her great like win-win And this is a great learning experience to better yourself for future sexual experiences as well. Like it, not necessarily that, like these are the things that all women like, because we know that's not true, but you can then use this. I like the idea of a preference list can be translated into,

like we said, sort of like a debriefing or just conversation and talking to your partner and communicating with your partner, whether it's a sexual relationship or a committed, you know, monogamous relationship, whatever relationship you've built, there's no harm in having these conversations of being like, I didn't like that, or I really like this. And then figuring out where you guys stand meet in the middle to both have a really fucking great time. Yeah. And also, maybe give her your list.

Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like, if you have stuff on your list, great. Make this really good for both of you. Yeah. Because that's the thing. You have the benefit of being familiar with each other, right? And once shit isn't going to get weird, like, like you know once emotionally you guys are cool with this arrangement if she's going to be cool and give you a list you

be cool and give her a list and you guys are just going to have even better sex wonderful so where's the downside don't get weird about this yeah i would i would like print this out and like sign it formally in front of her you know like i'd make a game out of it why not yeah but yeah you're good this is from temporary natural a bunch of numbers my girlfriend won't have sex with me till i save some money abortion is illegal here she's already made an appointment with a doctor to get birth control and i'm completely fine using condoms pills and condoms seem like the ideal combo which should give us 100 certainty am wrong? She told me she won't have sex with me until we open a savings account. She already told me how much money we should have

saved, which she calculated based on a cost of a trip to our neighboring country and a cost for abortion plus some extra money. Of course, I won't insist. If that's what she wants, I agree. But isn't that a bit paranoid? Is this approach normal? For more context, we're not poor or anything. We're young. We just don't have a whole lot of savings, but we're doing just fine. very, very difficult for those things to happen and for you not to be aware of them enough to also get plan B. So I don't know if you live in a country where you can't get that, because if you can get that, then I don't think that's necessary. I also think it's weird. Does it say how long they've been together? No. So if someone was asking to set up a joint savings account with me, I would be my red flag would be swinging.

You know what I mean? It feels almost scammy. I don't know if you're if you're fresh in a relationship with someone setting up a joint account with them is probably not a smart thing to do. But it's great that you guys are thinking about safe sex and precautions and eventualities. But I don't know if having enough money to go to get an abortion is necessary. Although if it is for them and it isn't for you, then maybe it's just not a sexual relationship you guys need to have. That's it at the end of the day, right?

And it is ultimately their body because you could very easily get her pregnant and fuck off and then, yes, you might have to legally pay child support or whatever your country's equivalent is, if that even exists in your country. I don't know where you're from uh and then it's like great you've fucked off and now they have a child to raise that's the thing it is her body she's the one who's gonna have to deal most with the consequences of this if it happens regardless of the abortion or not so you can understand where she's coming from i will say i don't advocate my advice is to not set up a shared account with someone you

don't know that well yeah unless the plan is you have an account that the only thing you use it for is that's our abortion account but even then it's like what's to stop someone from just jetting with it you know what i mean like i know it's a little over the top. I just think financial safety is one thing. If she wants proof of you saving X amount, that's different slightly. Again, I still don't think it's necessarily the most reasonable request, but at the same time, it's fine. And if you're okay with it, do it. If you're not okay with it, don't sleep with this person. And I would also like to say in regards to this is we're going to see a lot more of this kind of behavior, right? Because we're, we're quickly dismantling, uh, reproductive rights on a

shocking level for the, the year that we currently live in. Like we are rapidly reducing, uh, safe abortion rights and access. Uh, we're reducing a lot of body response or like autonomy autonomy is the word i'm looking for uh for women where we're looking at some really really horrible decision making process from a legislative perspective uh so yeah don't be surprised if women start and people who can have children start being a little bit more strict as to what they're doing with their body and how they're having sex because we're fucking it up. So if you want to, if you if you think this is maybe being a little unreasonable or whatever, add your voice to the fight to reinstate reproductive rights or to get reproductive rights yeah if you're a guy and you don't think this stuff is going to come back on you you're just completely out of touch and if you're a guy and you respect women and yourself and life don't fucking vote

for people who don't believe in reproductive rights and like women's bodily autonomy and abortion because abortion is healthcare. So don't vote against healthcare. Don't vote against all of our fucking interests and definitely don't do that and expect it not to affect you. Because like if you're staring down the barrel of a ruined life, jail time, like the amount of fucking consequences and bullshit that Republicansans in america for example are trying to throw on women is so horrible that like i don't blame this person for having this reaction do i think a shared account is the way forward not really but i don't blame them yeah and that's that's kind of the point right like it's i don't blame them either

the shit's fucked i i wouldn't want to be, you know, constantly being like, hey, at any point in time, my whole shit could get fucked up because of one evening or afternoon having sex. That sucks. So, yeah, I would want a little effectiveness of even sometimes eating activated charcoal can mess with people who are on the pill. So there's a lot of things that really drastically reduce the effectiveness of that. So great that you mentioned condoms and pill. I don't know if you're using them in conjunction or separately but the more the merrier the pill is not infallible no contraceptive but a lot of people tend to not know how many ways the pill can be brought down

in effectiveness yeah so like that's that was the other thing where it's like we should be at 100 right it's like no you were never at 100 the right? It's like, no, you were never at 100%. The only way to 100% not have a child or get someone pregnant is to not have sex. It's the only guaranteed surefire way. So never think you're safe. You are always in danger. Always. Always look over your shoulder. And again, I feel like with most things, you know, if you have a condom and it breaks, it's pretty obvious when it's failed, right?

But if you do everything well and you take the precautions, the chances of things happening are massively reduced. But it's always good to have, you know, a backup plan such as plan B, such as knowing how and where to access abortions, etc. Again, if this isn't for you, that's fine. This doesn't have to be. If it is for you, maybe don't do the shared account, but if you don't care, if that's fine, a risk you're willing to take, great. If not, maybe come to a compromise

where you prove that you have X, Y, or Z. And also look into plan B because if you know some method you're using has failed, it's a lot easier to take that and you can take it up to, I believe, three days after now, which is great. That is a lot less money, time, and trauma than an abortion. This is a deleted user. I, 19-year-old female, and boyfriend, 21-year-old male, have been together for six months.

And a lot of people, as you know, have been watching the TV series Wednesday, The Addams Family. After we finished the latest episode of season one, I brought up how many girls are going to want to be Wednesday for Halloween. I asked my boyfriend if he thought I would make a good Wednesday. I have long, dark hair, pale skin, five feet, 2.5 inches, and 120 pounds. He looked at me and says, no, you're not skinny enough to be here or tall enough. And honestly, I've never been so aware of what my body looked like until then. I've never been told I'm not skinny enough. I'm not fat, but I'm not a twig. I have boobs in the butt, but I have a slim waist.

Jenna Ortega is 5'1 and 101 pounds. I'm taller than her and 19 more pounds. He gave me a half-ass apology and went to bed. I tried to explain to him you don't have to have the exact body type to be someone for Halloween. Plus, I'm pretty close to her anyway. Might give me an eating disorder because of it. I always looked in the mirror and saw a strong, muscular, snatched woman,

but now I can't stop thinking about what he said. Yeah, I mean, this is how eating disorders are developed. This is how insecurities are developed, is when someone you care about says something really mean and shitty to you. And in this case, really dumb. I mean, have men just not seen any sitcom is this just not a plot on sitcoms anymore where where the husband says something buffoonery you know like it says

this is an idiot comment like you know oh you look fat in that dress and that's the whole episode is is this guy trying to like get back like that was the that was a plot on several episodes on every sitcom growing up. And I also watched my dad say stupid shit to my mom all the time. So like I grew up watching men who didn't think about what they said, say things to women. with the amount of conversation that surrounds body positivity and body image and insecurities and stuff why anyone would ever make a comment about another person's body especially someone that you're supposed to care about and especially someone presumably you find attractive because you're dumb as fuck like this person's stupid yeah yeah no it's just straight up dumb in every level like he just doesn't understand how

dressing up as things works also like every halloween is he like fuck man i won't be freddy krueger but i looked him up and he's like he's five nine and i'm only five i'm five eight fuck that one inch is gonna kill like oh wait wait he's slightly more shredded than me. Damn it. Fuck. What's Freddy Krueger's BMI? Shit. Like, that's not how it works at all. Unless this lady looks absolutely nothing like Wednesday. And he was just trying to save her from the embarrassment. Nope.

And I don't mean weight. I don't mean weight or height or anything. I'm just saying, like, just absolutely no Wednesday vibes whatsoever. Even then, that's like, that's what Halloween's for. I know. I know you're joking, but there's no way to play in that space with you. He might be trying to prevent you from literally wearing every costume that every other woman is trying to do. And this is the only way he could think of to dissuade you.

And even then, he's still the villain because that's not how you do it. What if she's some kind of like, she escaped from Area 51. He's been clapping alien cheeks. And all of a sudden, she's like, I'm going to go out for Halloween. And he's like, fuck. Everyone will realize she has eight arms. Yeah, she says she has boobs and a butt, but she didn't say anything else. Exactly.

What if she's just boobs and a butt? What if she's 5 to 120 pounds of boobs and a butt, but she didn't say anything else. Exactly. Well, if she's just boobs and a butt. What if she's 5 to 120 pounds of boobs and butt? Damn. The perfect woman. Yeah, there's no redeeming this. Your boyfriend fucking sucks. I think

if you don't want to immediately leave, you need to be like, hey, do you realize what you said was super hurtful and also misses the entire point of dressing up? Like, one, what do you do every Halloween? I need to know. And two, that was cruel and mean. And can you not understand how that would hurt me? And if he isn't just like very apologetic and kind and gives you some explanation and vows to change his way and it doesn't do it again, I think you need to leave because you're young and this is the kind of shit that can fuck you up for the rest of your life,

let alone the rest of your relationships. It's a time waste. If your boyfriend's an asshole, like fuck it, get out of there. And I want you to take a couple seconds or a couple minutes and revisit that mirror and realize that what someone says you are shouldn't change how you see yourself right like if you know yourself and you see yourself far more than literally anybody else does yeah so and like he could be

an abuser who wants to tear down your self-worth because he's insecure and he doesn't want you finding anybody else you know what i mean he's not saying this because it's empirical truth there's a reason for it it's probably probably his insecurity. Does that make it better? No. Does it mean what he said isn't worth dwelling on? Yes. Does it mean you should dump him? Probably. I know it's easier to say and be like, don't listen to people who say mean things to you. Of course, it's difficult, but I really do want to encourage you to go back and like, if you saw a strong woman, that strong woman's not gone. She's still there.

Literally hasn't changed. Dave, misunderstanding Halloween has not changed you. And yes, as Dane said, it is very hard. And I know it sounds easy when we say it. Either like it's just an easy fix or that we think it is. It's not. It's a nigh impossible thing. But you do have to

try and sometimes hearing somebody saying that can help a little bit also don't go as wednesday for halloween unless wednesday is the day of halloween and then go as a day yeah maybe he got mixed up and he was like you're too skinny like you're not 24 hours wide like wednesday is well he did he didn't say she was too skinny. Or maybe you're not skinny enough because Wednesdays for him go so quickly. But he wants to dwell. I don't know. I can't even play in this space. Your boyfriend sucks.

Hit me. This ties into it. I think we can talk on it. This is Legal Alien. Oh no. It is the aliens. Oh no. Girls, would you date a guy with hair loss in his 30s? I was wondering what girls think of dating a guy in his 30s with hair loss. Is it a turn off?

I'm 5'10", an average build. Not sure if this is the reason why I get rejected most of the times. No. Probably not. Like, sure, maybe because your hair loss, you could be doing something weird to try to cover it up. You could be very insecure or lack confidence as a result of it. And these things all might have a knock-on effects on your dating life. You might meet specific people who don't like you because of it. These are all possible things, but also I could point out a million people who have hair loss or

various things similar to that who are killing it just fine i had hair loss when i was 19 like i had a receding just absolutely killing it to the point where he's a mass murderer at this point oh yeah it's true slay him yeah it's look hair is something i struggled with for a very long time i was very insecure about my receding hairline. I wish I now shave my head. And I really like the way that I look with a shaved head. You look fucking great. Thanks, man.

And I wish, honestly, wish I could go back in time and tell myself to be like, stop hanging on. There's no point. The hair is gone. Call it. It's over. There's no point. The hair is gone. Call it. It's over. Shave the head. I mean, again, I didn't really have any trouble when I had hair and with a receding hairline.

I don't think, I mean, there might have been some people who didn't like it, and that's fine. You're allowed to feel that way. But I do wish that I had shaved my head earlier because I think the confidence boost I would have gotten from finally being like, ah, I'm free from my hair prison would have only made me more successful. Again, like the last question, it's easy to say, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. It's a thing that a lot of people are insecure about. That's the thing that's difficult

to get through and to get over. But like, it's also easy to just be like, this is an insurmountable problem or to blame everything on it. And it's like, no, I know. I know tons of people with receding hairlines, with hair loss, who are bald, et cetera, et cetera. And they're all killing it. Sorry, not all of them. A lot of them are killing it.

The ones that aren't, it's not because of those issues. It's the same thing with like pretty much any physical quality. Oh, I'm short. Is this the reason why women don't like me is it a turnoff now it might be for some people for sure there might i mean we see tenders all the time where it's like must be six feet or higher blah blah sure that might be a contributing factor to things but it's oftentimes as now said the manifestation of insecurity that you've and the weight that you've put on this, you know, shortcoming that you see in your physical appearance. And now you don't look in the mirror much like our last question. You don't look in the mirror and see an attractive, you know, viably sexy person.

You see a short guy or you see a balding guy or you see a you know slightly overweight guy like it doesn't matter what the the issue may be from your point of view is that's what you see and therefore that's what you present yeah and that's and that's the danger right like if you walk you either walk into a room and you feel confident and you feel sexy and you feel in control and that's not like there are times where i walk into rooms and and you feel confident and you feel sexy and you feel in control and that's not like there are times where i walk into rooms and i'm not feeling that and that's fine i'm not saying you have to walk in and own the place 90 or you know 100 of the time but if you walk in with bald guy energy or short guy energy you're gonna that's what you're gonna give yeah that's the thing it's

like confidence you've heard it here. You've heard it everywhere. Confidence is sexy. Again, easier said than done, but you need to get past the hair loss. That's not you. Yeah. It's not all of you for sure. So it's like, if you can rock that and if, you know, and it might be like, maybe you

refuse to take a hat off or maybe you do like a weird comb over thing that isn't working or maybe you're just, you know, you don't think they hat off or maybe you do like a weird comb over thing that isn't working or maybe you're just you know you don't think they're gonna like you because you think they just see your head and you've already checked out those are all things that might be affecting your dating life not the hair loss itself exactly 100 so my advice to you and i'm sure we've given this before is find the things that make you feel sexy if it is a really cool hat that you put on put on the fucking cool hat be that like that can be your look that's fine i think you also need to be okay with taking that hat off be it for sex be it for yes you know going into a room where it's too hot or you know something i think like the the worry there is that you become so reliant on hat that

you can't take hat off sure then you become hat sex guy or very sweaty in the bar guy yeah and then maybe make an appointment with a a good hairdresser yeah and sit down and be like hello here's my hair situation you see it what can i do and most likely like the lack of hair is hard to do things with so nine times out of ten they're probably gonna be like let's just fucking shave it that's the thing maybe do the dane plunge and just shave it off just shave it off i mean that was the greatest thing about the fucking pandemic was i i was at home and i was just like hey you know what if it looks bad no one's gonna see me for however many months so fuck it let's give it a go i mean i think i'm not alone in this but i think the bald with a a well-groomed beard look is it's nice i think a lot of people are into that let me say

once again you look great thank you i appreciate it and look do i look at niles fucking beautiful hair every now and then and look longingly at it and think about how maybe, just maybe, I could steal all of it, put it on my head? Of course. Of course I do. Hold on. Can we rewind? I often think about stealing your head. Head.

Or at least the top of it. Hmm. Okay. It's getting worse than better, now worse again. If you're going to take the head, take the whole thing. No, no. Just the hair. Oh, okay. But you said head. And you're going to take the head, take the whole thing. No, no. Just the hair. Oh, okay.

But you said head. And then you said top of it. Yeah. The top part, where the hair is. Well, how about this? Can I have some of your beard? Uh, yeah. Okay.

All right. I can work with this. Ready for the next one? Yeah. This is Victorian Tit Bicycle. Tips for stealth shitting, please. I rate this from the toilet seat of my girl's bathroom we've been dating a few months now but i'm not comfortable with her hearing me shit

hearing the old thomas crapper with the shower running pretending i'm taking a shower but my asshole is roaring like a kawasaki ninja every time i try and gently push out any increment of shit it's probably too late for me she's probably hearing comm, but any tips for the future to muffle the sound? Oh, boy. Yeah. Look. Yeah. I get it. I hear you.

We've all been there. Yeah. My apartment has the worst design for a bathroom ever. So there's a door. Think of my apartment as a big square. Top left corner is my bathroom. There's a door that enters into my bedroom. There's a door that enters into my bedroom. There's a door that enters into my living room.

However, whoever designed my apartment thought, you know, a cool feature for a bathroom would be no door, but instead of sliding barn door. Oh, and also let's make that glass. Yeah, there are times when I'm pissing in your house and i'm like no one can see me perfectly but they look in they could probably see at least an outline you know yeah it's it's the wildest and like i've thought many times been like can i put a door on this bitch but there's no frame there's no door frame it's the dumbest thing and if i ever have someone over like if i've made dinner for someone and i'm watching a movie and I have to go to the bathroom, there's no

seal. The door, like yes, the door has been slid over and you can't see through it anymore, but there's no sound. Certainly no smell barrier. Like wearing tissue boxers. Yeah. You just rip right through. Now, your apartment

is particularly great because you have it your corner is like it's toilet and then on one side bedroom one side sofa and it's like that's not great because either way you've no escape whereas for me if i'm in the living room my toilet's far enough away that like i'm probably safe unless things go like real south it is adjoining my what unless there's a real bathroom emergency yeah exactly um but it is right next to my bedroom and i always wonder what the acoustics are i guess they must be fine i never really hear anybody else shitting yay for me now tips for stealth shitting if you know it's going to be like a one and done kind of like spew flush the toilet and poop as it's flushing if you've got a quick poop in you however the danger here is yeah you're at

risk because it's kind of weird to flush twice because then you're telling you're telling them it went badly even if they didn't know it went badly previously and you gotta flush twice if there's anything left or if you have to go further. That's the thing. It's like they're either going to think, oh, wow, that was a two flusher. Yeah. Either in the sense of just sheer size and volume or you thought you were done and then, oh, there's more, which is also not a great mental image. Yeah. It very much hangs a lantern on your poop and your poop habits. Now there is cough every time you poop.

And this post COVID world, absolutely not. Yeah. Then that's the thing. It's like, do you want this person to think you've got the vid or do you want them to know you do bad poops? I will say like, as much as we've, we all fear it. I don't know if I've ever had someone or heard of someone be like look i did hear you poop you will have to leave you failed your stealth check i am aware that you defecated you need to go that's the thing is i've just at this point i'm i'm 35 am i my 36 i don't know you have a better idea than i do i couldn't tell you so like i i have gotten to the age where i'm just like look if i gotta poop i'm just gonna poop i'm not gonna like because nine times out of ten when

you try to to make it better you just make it worse you're either making it like more like more prolonged or whatever so i'm just gonna poop right like i'm gonna like you half-ass it and i mean that kind of literally and it's like you don't want to have to go back in or like, not finish the job. Or like, you know, just gotta poop. Just gotta poop properly. You know what I mean? You can- Don't like, hold back the last bit because you think you're gonna fart when you do it.

Because you're gonna fart anyway. Maybe later on, while you're fucking. Or you're gonna be in pain. Yeah. It's just like, just go for it. Just shit. I- I- The way I see it is, this is a girlfriend, right? Yeah. How old have you been together? you think it says i'm a girl but they do say they're dating for a few months now i don't

know if it's like we're official or we've just been you know yeah in each other that's fine but either way like i will say there's also a glorious thing and that is when you've broken the poop barrier and i don't mean like the kind of people who are like oh come into the bathroom wash brush your teeth while i'm shitting because i don't know that on either side but like if you have diarrhea or a bad tummy or like you ate something bad it's so nice to be like i'm gonna go do a horrible shit and like not have to hide and not have to worry and also you know get a little oh no i'm sorry you feel sick pat on the back. It's great. It's wonderful. Yeah. I think we need to just normalize body functions in general.

Farts, poops, pees, all these things. Periods. All of them are natural things. And, yes, is it super sexy to think about someone shitting? Not for most people. For some people yes uh but the thing that i like to do is make sure that there is something happening make sure that the tv is on like if you guys are watching a movie be like oh don't pause it don't worry about it i'm fine yeah right because

then then there's volume there's talking there's noises they're distracted or put some music on you can also you can be like i got rid of the bathroom i might take a bit or whatever you can just like oh if it's something you're watching you don't want to keep going dame raised a great point throw something else on put youtube on be like oh i'll throw on some music while i'm gone just you're not sitting here ha ha boom no one's gonna be like that's weird it's weird you put on music if it is you just be like hey i gotta poop yeah because at the end of the day Do you really want to date someone

Who isn't gonna love you at your poopiest Exactly Well your poopiest Yeah Your poopiest Yeah That's a lot Just saying it's gonna happen eventually

I like to hope my poopiest is behind me Like when I was a baby There's no way It's very possible. No, you definitely poop more in a day. But to me, the poopiest is like the most covered in poop I've been. No. Yeah.

No, the poop, no. I'm not going to debate this with you. Either way, I don't think there's a way to beat it. There's no surefire way. You throw on music, you get them to keep doing what they're doing, and great. But that's kind of it. And if that's not working or if that's not enough to cover it up, then you just got to live that poop life and hope you're not seeing someone weird. And if you are seeing someone weird, good.

You're doing yourself a favor by getting rid of them so early. Because you don't want to spend a life eking out quiet poops whenever you can. Yeah. And if you're still in like the hookup phase, you just got to be good at what you do, right? Like no one's going to be like, oh, I went over and he gave me like nine orgasms and I fucking came like crazy and he was great in bed and he was really attentive and he was really nice and blah, blah, blah. But he did poop, so I'm not going to see him again. Yeah, I did once hear him poop from a distance if you're clean and use an air freshener if there is one there and like make sure you don't leave a mess and if you can't negate the smell at least warn them you know what i mean no one's

gonna hear that they care they care that they heard you poop they might laugh about it make sure if they do you laugh with them and they't get weird that's about it weird just embrace your poopiness this is by wanna be a songwriter how do you deal with a partner that has terrible opinions like not pineapple and pizza type of opinions i'm talking a man who acts and talks like he's sexist and misogynistic but when called out and it denies it this is your partner if it walks like a duck talks like a duck it's probably a duck Like, acts and talks like he's sexist and misogynistic. What's the other option that would make him sexist and misogynistic? Like, what's the missing piece?

Yeah, like, I don't, there's, you've given us the picture of a misogynistic person. I was walking down the road, and somebody took my money from me like he was mugging me. And he said, hey, I'm mugging you. Yeah, but he denied it when I called out. What do I do? When I said I was robbed, everyone was like, oh, I don't know, this guy's saying he didn't do it.

But he did act and talk like it. No, like, you fucking dumped him. That's it. Don't deal with this person. This person is shit, which you're telling us he's shit. Why would fucking dump them that's it like don't deal with this person this this person is shit which you're telling us he's shit why would you date someone that's shit like it yeah it stresses me out so much when people have questions of you like exactly this my husband's a racist i don't support him what do i do he denies it it's like well you either date you're either married to

a fucking racist or you're not yeah those are the those are the things if if someone you're you care about or you're dating is a bad person they're a bad person and your choice is whether you stay with them or not because chances are you're not going to change them and guess what if you brought it up and they deny it like what's the other step bring it up again like you've done the only kind of like hail mary is like maybe you're with someone who's young or dumb and like doesn't realize the full impact of their words blah blah blah you know and you say it and they like oh shit i'm so sorry and they get better that's the only good option but it's like if you bring it up and they're like, nah, like what is there?

Dump them. Get rid of them. Like, yeah, I don't know. That's it. At the end of the show, we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and go through the profiles, comb through them, looking for red flags, see what works, what doesn't work, an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. I'm sad.

Someone did say they were going to give up their profile in the middle of the show, but then the show went on too long and they said they had to leave. And I'm like, I just wish. I wish we got it. But next time. This is Olivia. Bodacious babe. Bit of a crybaby. Beer denier.

Gin and tonic truther. Originally from Venus. Funny. In search of funny. Open relationship. Okay. Beer denier, get out. I do find beer denier, gin and tonic truther pretty funny. I do find it funny.

I don't like Crybaby. Not a fan of Crybaby. I feel like people either think it's cute or it's actually one of those things that is it does have truth to it, I just don't like it, I'm sorry. I'm giving it a little bit of a pass because i do feel like there's i feel like there's a level of playfulness in this that yeah the rest

of it is positive and playful that i'm not willing to throw the baby out with the bath water here you know the cry baby without the cry i that's entirely what i was going for because i'm a smart podcast person who does smart, funny things in wordplay. I'm going to give this a seven. Yeah, yeah, I'll give it a seven. It's not enough to, it would get my like, my tindy senses tingling and not in a good way, but I'm willing to be proven wrong, but I would have a weather eye on the horizon of crybabiness. Yes. This is blank. Going through a divorce after 22 years of marriage to an incredible woman. I'm hopeful by me moving on, she feels comfortable pursuing what her happiness without feeling guilty about it.

I have a 22-year-old daughter and not at home and a 15-year-old at home. Both of them are my world. Look, I love that you are chill with your ex. I love that you are, you know, you seem to be ending on a good term. This is a weird move to pull on your dating profile. Yeah, like, it's cool for you to feel this thing. It's really weird for you to tell the people you're meeting this thing like this. Like, what the fuck?

This has nothing to do with them. Although, yeah, you know, like, what is it? Like, oh, wow, you're so good that you're gonna sadly move on so your wife can be happy now i want to fuck you like what yeah because all the like what it really screams the subtext here is i still prioritize my wife in romantic relationships i'm not over my wife so i'm going to sadly like date so that she is okay to be happy but i'm not happy yeah i don't even think you should mention that you're going through a divorce i don't think you should say she's an incredible woman i don't think you should say 22 years i don't think you should do anything about

the hopefully by me moving on thing i don't even think you need to bring up your daughters you could be like two daughters both of my world yeah but aside from that what you need to do is put things about you and what you like and what you're looking for it's not your ex-wife exactly exactly your hobbies things you want to do like that's what matters this is just kind of a lot of pressure and sadness and both those things are not good yeah i'm gonna give this this is a two for me yes it is a two it is kind of sweet but it also kind of feels like you're hoping your wife reads this and she's like, oh, how sweet. And gets back with you.

It gives me, it gives me like nice guy TM vibes. Yes. A hundred percent. Honestly, I really feel like you're doing this. Hoping your wife sees it and is like you, you, wow. So sweet. I don't get really that vibe. I get the vibe that like like he thinks that this is a

romantic notion that would make other women be like oh he's a good guy that's all so sweetie like that and then like any sort of like performative nice guy acts are always not great so yeah no that's also that believe me but it's just all bad too, at best. This is Felicia, 420 friendly. Friends first, laughing emoji, yawn, shrug. If my cat bothers you, you bother us, laughing emoji. Mom of two, always occupied with family. Anyone can hit it, but I need someone to stimulate my brain more. I like the cat thing.

Anyone can hit it. I need you to stimulate my brain. I get what they're going at but when i started reading i was like it just sounds like they're like hey i'll fuck anybody yeah yeah yeah it's definitely bad phrasing yes the phrasing is it needs work i like the cat thing and we talked about before your pets come first of course hell yeah and cat moms hell yeah friends first hell yeah i guess well i believe if i'm reading she's an actual mom yeah but she also said the stuff about the cat okay yeah sorry i

thought you said cat mom i did because she has a cat mom because she has a cat okay cool it just sounded like you you didn't register that there's real kids no and i will say she says always busy with family that is also not a green flag for me because it's like if you're trying to be like oh family's my life great but like it does sound like we're never gonna hang out so yes maybe fix that maybe fix the phrasing at the end other than that like yeah i like it enough so, I'll give it a six. Yeah, I'm going to give it... Maybe a five. I'm going to give it a five.

Yeah, yeah. I'll give it a five. It is... It's fine. If you fix those things, I think it would be a six, seven. This has fixed me. They're 34. Total honesty.

My life is a bit of a mess right now. Separated over a year and a half and can't seem to get my life organized. Have a good job and a car. Good looking when I make an effort, but I haven't made an effort in months. Need a girl that I can move in with pretty soon that can sort me out or help me do it and I'll take care of you the best I can.

I kinda need you to be the reason for me to want to be better again. Damn, I was really hoping this was a lady we could set him up with the divorcee. No, it might be the divorcee in a year. Yeah, this is... Look, I'm not saying that this won't find success. I think there are going to be people out there who would be very happy to jump on board this fucking sinking ship.

I don't know if there would be. I think there's a market for that. But the flip side is, I think those people are also massive red flags. Yes, nothing good is happening from this, unless you match with a therapist who you then pay to give you therapy. Yeah. Or you listen to this

and fucking fix this absolute garbage fire of a profile, please. I mean, I don't want you to fix this profile. I want you to quite literally do what your profile says and fix yourself. I now nailed it on the head. I think the only person you should be matching with and the only profiles you should be swiping through are therapists who have available time slots

to help you deal with your issues. Yeah. This might be my first non-offensive zero i feel like there's probably another one out there but yeah definitely definitely a a rare zero where someone hasn't been super racist or positivistic also like this isn't how you get better no one is going to fix you you know what what I mean? This isn't it. So therapy, my dude. Yeah, that's going to do it for our show, friends. Thank you very much. We love you. We appreciate you. Once again, if you came to our show on the 16th, we love you. Hey,

if that sounded fun to you, if you said, hey, I would have loved to gone to the show on the 16th, guess what? You can. March 16th, we're doing another show at Black Sheep Cocktail Bar in Liberty Village in Toronto. Tickets are free. It is a free event to attend. You just have to show up, have some amazing cocktails, have some drinks, have some food, chill with some friends, and listen to

us make jokes about sex. Yeah, honestly, the people who showed up were so fucking cool. I felt so flattered because like the vibes are just great. The drinks are great. The food's great. The space is really cool. Again, it's free.

It was honestly, it was a great time. I'm still buzzing from it. It was wonderful. And I'm very excited. We had someone bring a date. We did have at least one person bring a date and their date seemed really cool too. So love it. Love it.

Yeah. It's a great place to, to double date as well. You know, you and your bring some friends have like a nice, have a, have a cool like night out together in a, in a fun,

sexy way. And it's like, again, we can't stress enough. It's free. Yeah. Where in the city are you going to go and get a great show for like Two and a half hours or two hours For free

And also where would you go To see us That's me and Dane in front of your faces Doing things Anyway we love you everyone who came You fucking rock everyone who's gonna come Hell yeah And if you want to support us in other ways

Like we did get a message today Actually I've gotten two messages since Asking us to go to two different countries We would love to Hell yeah. And if you want to support us in other ways, like, oh, I did get a message today. Actually, I've gotten two messages since asking us to go to two different countries. We would love to. Maybe in the future. But in the meantime, if you really want to support us. What countries? Philippines and America.

Okay. One is a lot easier than the other. One is a lot easier. We've also had requests to go to other places. I'm just saying I would love to. But if you want to find a way to support us other than coming to the show, we do have a Patreon. If you want to send us questions to read out at a show or on here, go to our website. And thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars.

The website is fbuddiespodcast.com. They know. You have some bad sex writing for me? You know I do. Yes. This is a Craigslist ad. I pay to enter your septic tank for an hour at a time. $150. It's a picture of a man in some kind of balaclava in a septic tank,

nipple deep in shit, and just coated in shit. Some might judge me for this, but it's what I enjoy. I will pay you $150 an hour to bring my equipment in and gain access to your septic tank. I then have my associate close the tank after I've set my tripod and camera up. Believe it or not, it is a great place to reflect. Okay.

He's not reflecting in there. Yeah, you usually don't record yourself reflecting. Yeah, also, like, talking about your poopiest. This man. This man's at his poopiest. He's at his poopiest.

Let me send you. I want you to react live to this picture. I'm not going to love it. Maybe you will. Maybe it'll awaken something in you. Look at this. Look at this poopy man. Oh, wow.

I like that he's doing, like, the, like, thinking pose. Just coded in a stranger's muck yeah but hey it's a great way to make some money that's true uh thank you very much for listening my name is dame miller and i'm we've been your fuck buddies you