F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 231 - Morphsuit Contraceptive

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

If you idiots keep naming your kids almost exactly like your name, you can't blame me when I accidentally send you a bright green gimp suit.  Topics include the serious commitment of meal prepping, sex tape swap, retroactive anime jealousy, using a sex toy vs being used as a sex toy, sex toys for dad.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners. And we answer them right here, right now, every Monday in your ears. And occasionally, actually monthly, at a live show. In person. For your eyes as well and depending on i guess i guess like how weird you are in your mouth if you like really just like have your mouth open you know what i mean like you just the whole time we're talking just hoping for a little bit a little bit of that air that we're exuding and depending on how much we're exuding maybe in your

nose maybe you'll smell us yeah it could be a whole five cents experience. Well, don't touch us. No, don't. But, I will say, guys, 16th of March, Black Sheep Cocktail Lounge. 7.30. Us. Free show. Come on out. Yep. Every third Thursday

of the month, we will be doing this show for as long as they let us until they realize that hey we can't have two men on stage talking about cum this much I don't know I I locked eyes with the person who organized it and did talk about Tetris blocks fucking a man so if they didn't cancel us then it's true there's no reason they shouldn't have ever let us come back on but they are very excited for us to come back on so So take, take that for what it is. Now it's very possible that the tables are already sold out by the time we

hit Monday. Cause I think we booked out half the place last night alone, but you should check anyway. And there's also standing room and I kind of want it to be even more of a party than last time. And last time was quite a party. So yeah, standing room,

bar seats. There's we, we'll do your best, our best to get you in there. Um, but it just goes to show you got to get on this early. If you want to come check us out, you do have to get you in there. But it just goes to show, you've got to get on this early. If you want to come check us out, you do have to book a table early. Otherwise,

you might miss it and have to wait until next month. And that's sad because we don't want you to. No. Alright. Speaking of getting in on things early, I'm going to get in on this question right now. Okay. This is by HeyIt'sOctopus. I've been lying to her for half a year. So I've been dating a girl for almost six months now. When we started dating, she expressed a lot of interest and told me she loved me.

It was like two weeks in, so I told her it's normal to have these feelings. We should take it slow. In general, I didn't want to define anything for a bit so we could get past the honeymoon stage. Fast forward to now. We've been meal prepping every week. We're both healthier and happier than we've ever been. Every weekend is exciting. It's new to me.

It's new to her. We visit each other's families now. We've met each other's friends. We still get butterflies when we're around each other. There's absolutely nothing wrong. But here's the catch. We still haven't established our relationship. She's been pressing me about it jokingly, and I've been telling her we don't need titles because what we have is special. Truth is, I've been telling everyone she's my girlfriend for a while now, and everyone in her life refers to me as her special friend. I just wanted us to earn it officially and didn't want to just ask her because i felt like it anyway i drew a picture of her for

christmas i'd stopped drawing for a while but managed to sneak in some time i'm going to make it official and she will be my first girlfriend in seven years my question is should i ask her in front of her family or do it in private any tips i'm kind of nervous all you can think of is like you ever see those like i think they're tick tock videos of a guy who like draw, like sits people down, like sets up an easel. And then when he turns it around, it's just like a,

like a circle with a stick, stick arms and legs coming out. And just like, it's just a really bad drawing. That's all I could think about for the rest of that question. That's all I can hope. It's one very strange that you're like, Hey,

let's take it slow. Let's not rush into things. Also, I'm going to tell everyone you're going to, you're my girlfriend. Yeah. Strange. That's a strange move because I feel like if that is,

then there's the, the like compounded with the, the idea of you being like, I don't want to just ask her. I want to earn it. The fuck does that mean? Yeah. That's,

that's one of the things that really stuck out to me. It's like, I want us to earn it officially. Didn't want to just things that really stuck out to me. It's like, I want us to earn it officially. Didn't want to just ask her because I felt like it. It's like, what? That's how you do it. There's not a panel that's been judging you the second you meet someone. They've been watching.

They've been rating. They've been judging. And it's like, until you get that official, like some guy walks up and puts a badge on each of your shoulders. No, you do ask because you feel like it that's literally how it's done that's that's why you but no instead he lies for six months tells her he doesn't want it to be official while freaking out about how to make it official and also telling his friends that they are official and like the funny thing is is presumed like you guys for all intents and purposes, are boyfriend and girlfriend.

Like, yeah, you guys, you guys are dating. And like, so it is just a matter of semantics. And I guess like that conversation of being like, we're not going to see other people. We're in a monogamous exclusive relationship now, if that is what you want to answer the actual question, the real question, the question that is being asked. Before we get into that, can we just talk about how I love when people quantify their relationship and they're like, oh, we live together or we see each other every night or we talk to each other before we go to bed and before we wake up. There's the list and a lot of the list is, I would say, standard, right? But meal prepping is very important to this guy. Hey, he's also healthier than he's ever been which is great fast forward to now we've been meal prepping it's like whoa shit you guys are

serious i love it i find it actually very charming and adorable yes it is very cute don't ask this person in front don't ever ask an important relationship question that involves just the two of you in front of people i think it is it is tacky at best and embarrassing at worst yeah and also like no just don't do it it's you and her private time maybe even don't do it in the middle of a fucking party or anywhere where like if for some reason things go wrong she then has to deal with people do it like a normal time where there's no pressure and you're not like putting her out yeah make a nice dinner have them over and and explain your situation be like hi we've been dating for a while now i really like you and i would like to make this official i would like to

be your partner boom keep it simple again don't work we've talked about it a thousand times don't come up with a big flowery speech because you're going to fuck it up. It's going to come out as gibberish and gobbledygook because you're or it's going to come out rehearsed, both of which are are not a good look. No, I don't like ask her, hey, what are we? Don't do that. Don't put it on her when you're the one who's changed your mind. Exactly. Especially because it seems like she's already tried to make it official at least once. So, yeah, just be be chill you guys have been together

you sound like you're doing really well and really this can't be more serious than meal prepping it really can't you're pretty much already married at that point uh yeah so don't don't ambush anyone in about like important relationship dynamics or changes or anything really important at all in front of other people because they will feel obligated to give the most acceptable answer yeah which is usually a yes regardless of whether or not they actually mean it because one they don't want to embarrass you they don't want to make it awkward for everyone around so they're going to feel almost obligated to be like yeah sure that's great my parents are going to be so happy i'm i'm happy when there might be more conversation to be had than uh you know what

is typically allowed in that like maybe they want to clarify some things maybe they want to talk about having a poly relationship things that might not fly with the the dynamic of the family so do it privately private matter should be private do it do it privately. Private matters should be private. Do it in a comfortable and safe environment. This comes from Jamar Bunch of Numbers. My girl wants to show her friends our sex tape. I was with my girl early morning. So she can take her test.

And she passed it. So I got her bagels to celebrate. We started talking about our sex life with her friend next to us. And she was like talking about showing our sex tapes to her friends. And at first I felt uncomfortable. Because I never dealt with this before but i don't know how should i feel about this what to say she said she would cover where i was included in the videos but i don't know how to feel one side of me doesn't care but another side of me doesn't want to be judged this is my second body meaning i had sex with two people okay that's a weird way to say that my man yeah i was, I was like, holy shit.

Yeah, I was like, wait, hold on. With AI lately, it does feel like we're rapidly approaching the future. And I was like, damn, we've gotten to the point where we got two bodies now? We're just swapping bodies. And second serious relationship. She really is a great person and I love her with all my heart, but I don't know how to handle this. Does anyone have any input or advice?

Because I don't want to make her mad or anything. P.S. I'm a 20 year old or i'm a 20 year old male she's an 18 year old female all right so one of the questions was how should i feel about this yeah i don't get to answer that i'm sorry you do you have to he asked you uh you should feel about it how your heart desires believe believe in your heart listen to your heart the truth the heart of the cards and what are the heart of the cards telling you it's blue eyes white shame oh no uh like i wouldn't want this i don't think it also is weird to be like oh i'll cover the parts that you're in if she wants to do that why doesn't she just ask if she can give her nudes to her friend i guess you know what i mean because presumably the parts with you in it are the point

so like that's just a weird lie yeah like the only thing i think of is like it's a pov situation and maybe it's like you know the camera is just on her like maybe missionary or something and you're not seeing insertion and it's just you know maybe like waist up but at that point yes like just show pictures of your tits i guess like really that's right that's what's being shown um what if she's a really good visual effects artist and she can like edit him out and like fully replace him with like a tetris block or something what if he only fucks while wearing one of those green morph suits yeah it's like don't worry about it man i i can key you out no problem you are always wearing a

green screen full body suit the only problem is he will just be like a floating dick. Hey, the dream. Unless he has green condoms, in which case completely invisible. Or he just has a morph suit around his dick too and forwent the condom. Or it's under the suit. Either way, don't do that. I'm sorry. Let's take a minute.

Well, I'm sorry I mentioned that, guys. If someone out there was like, this is awakening something in me, it shouldn't. Don't go in bare morph, okay? Yeah. I was going to say, if you want to wear morph suits, well, fuck it. They're pretty much just shitty gimp suits. But yes, don't use the morph suit fabric as contraceptive. No.

Oh, man. I'm so distracted by that. I imagine also a sensation that would not feel good inside no my vagina hurts i don't even have one the idea of showing a sex tape i would only ever want to show someone a sex tape if i was also in a relate like a sexual relationship with them and the other person like if if we were in a poly situation or if we were going to have a threesome and we were already like kind of getting going and had maybe already slept together at least once,

I think it would maybe be fun to like share those kinds of videos. But again, in a controlled environment where they're watching it on my phone and certainly not being sent to those people because I wouldn't make a video with someone I didn't trust explicitly. Yeah. And even then there's a risk, you know, things can go bad.

Of course. But like when something gets sent, there's nothing stopping that from being sent on. No idea where it's going to go and whatever. And I think Dane raises this point occasionally. If it's not a fuck, yes, it's a no.

And I think if you aren't absolutely thrilled and titillated and like into this idea, it's a no. So I will tell you how to think. No, it's a no. Yeah. This isn't the kind of thing you're gray on or lukewarm. This is the kind of thing you need to be 100,000% into. And honestly, it's kind of a weird move. So I would say say say no for your safety

for your partners like you're young and we all make dumb decisions when we're young and unfortunately the way of amateur porn and leaked nudes and revenge porn etc goes it's always worse for the girl so it's like you know you there's still risks for you but like i don't know i would just say it's the kind of situation where unless this is exactly what you want it's a no yeah you need to essentially the way i look at it is would you be comfortable with those people seeing you naked would you be comfortable with those people having naked pictures of you and would you be comfortable with this video becoming public domain if you are not comfortable with any of those things, you shouldn't let anyone other like anyone else see these things. And I would also say,

I don't know how much you trust your partner, but someone asking for like, this might be a asking for forgiveness. Right. Like I, now that this has been broached, who's to say they're not going to like get drunk one day, feel a little silly and show them anyway.

Yeah. So I, I think at that point I would ask those videos to be deleted off there day they're not going to like get drunk one day feel a little silly and show them anyway yeah so i i think at that point i would ask those videos to be deleted off their device and if you want to do it again only put them on your phone so you have 100 control over it or don't make the videos anymore yeah but yeah you need to be sure that you can trust this person. And, you know, 18 year olds aren't fully formed yet in the trust sphere. I don't know. I would just be hesitant. But you know what?

They did ask. Maybe you guys are just maybe she's very sex positive and communicative and open and stuff. And I hope that's the case. And I hope that you figure out what you want. But again, unless it is 100% full speed ahead. Yes, I want this. I would say no, because you can always send them later if you decide you want but again unless it is 100 full speed ahead yes i want this i would say no because you can always send them later if you decide you want to but you can't unsend them ever yeah yeah exactly i would not all right this is throwaway bunch of numbers my boyfriend wanted

to watch a show together that he used to watch with his ex and i refused but now i feel guilty it's a throwaway account because he knows my name. I'm on mobile. Sorry. Situation is not complicated, but I'm very guilty and I don't know how to handle it. Yesterday, my boyfriend, 23 year old male, we've been together for two years and I, 20 year old female, we're about to have dinner and we're thinking of what to watch. He suggested we start this anime he's already seen and thinks I'm really going to like. I said, yes. He became so happy and enthusiastic. I was happy to make him happy but as soon as i started playing i recognized the anime because he talked about to me before so for context i struggle with retroactive jealousy which i'm working on in therapy

and i'm definitely better than i was a while back my boyfriend has an ex he dated five years oh four five years before me they bonded over anime they met each other in anime related stuff and also have both played volleyball the anime he wanted me to watch is literally about volleyball he'd been telling me need to watch it but i always refused saying i didn't feel like it because i knew he wouldn't be able to separate it from his ex and i would feel bad but this time i couldn't stop it on time and he was already playing so i just stopped it and told him the truth that i feel uncomfortable and asked if he and his ex have watched it together and he said yes i asked we could watch something else and he looked very sad but obviously agreed and i feel terrible because he looked so happy when i agreed to watch it and i

feel like it could have been something we've enjoyed together and i ruined it i feel like telling him to give it a second chance but i just feel that if he wasn't going to think about his ex before while watching it he definitely is now and that makes me extremely uncomfortable i have no problem when thinking about his ex like in general but i'd rather it not be while we're cuddling on the sofa you know what i mean i know this might sound like a stupid problem but i feel very guilty about it should i drop it or ask him to watch it together any advice is good thank you you know what i would approach this question much differently if they didn't say that they were working on this in therapy the fact that you've clocked it you're actively working on it and the fact that you communicated it once you realized

that it wasn't as good of an idea as you thought it was originally i think you handled this pretty well yeah right like i you did all the things i would have suggested you did or suggested you you should do you know you like it's not a great situation but no it could have been so much worse yeah i i think this is is a very very healthy way to deal with jealousy i think there are some things you could probably tweak here and there but i think the idea of being like i know this is something i struggle with and i'm working on it and also when it came up like the most important thing was you had to be like, hey, I'm going to stop it because most people I think would either get really weird and like start a fight, like find a reason to turn this into a fight. Yeah, the explanation would come maybe never or after the fight.

Yeah, or it would be a knee jerk like you like you just miss your ex. This is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? Like it would be very easy to like turn that into a really shitty situation. But I think it's really mature to be like, Hey, sorry, I know you watch this with your ex and I feel like I'm just going to correlate

the two things and I'm not going to enjoy it because of that. And I think that is a, a pretty fair thing to do. Like if I, and like, I don't even necessarily think it's an unreasonable one i think if i i think it's a little unreasonable to be like oh you watch the show your ex like we can't do it like we've talked about jealousy before and we've talked about how it's not the feeling it

it's the how you act on it that's the issue and you make really good points about how they're feeling it and they're acting in a way that's pretty good but like for example if someone if i was with someone and they're like we can never watch the show together because you watch we are x i wouldn't really want to be with that person no well here's here's what i did it okay you you say what i gathered from this was this was a show that was very important to the both of them right and so it was very much a part of that relationship where it was like they were anime nerds they were volleyball nerds and this was like their show so i will say this show is pretty big so it's not like it's a very niche show so it would be almost like being like oh we watch breaking bad together in a way um and i'm hesitant to accept how important it is to them

based on her jealousy you know what i mean that's fair yeah so i i think that like if if there is precedent that this was like like their thing and you have you have a reason to believe that like you know this was a fairly like integral part of what they did together or their relationship or whatever i don't think it's completely weird to be like ah this was like your thing. So like, you can still enjoy it by all means. If you want to rewatch this anime,

rewatch it all you want. I just don't know if I will gel with the, like, you know, I like, I get it again. It's not, I don't think it's the best option.

I don't think it's the best way to handle it. But I think with knowing how you process things and knowing that this is the way that you work, I don't think it's unreasonable to be like, hey, let's pause it. Let's pump the brakes. And I don't want to do this because I know how I'm going to get. Yeah, I know. To me, it's one of those things where it's like you're never like if you guys watched it, I very much doubt he's thinking about his ex, or at least in any positive or lingering or

powerful way. It's probably he's just watching because he really likes it and he wants you to watch it. And by doing that, you're almost replacing that memory. You know what I mean? It could become your thing. I don't think anybody does this and goes, well, this is now me with them in the past, not here with you. Whereas

the opposite happens if you're like, no, this is you and them. I think you really kind like hang a lantern on their relationship and you like almost it's like when someone dies and you leave the room you don't touch their stuff you're kind of making this show a shrine to them yeah and then i think that's i think they are right about the fact that like oh now that i've done this i don't know if we can ever watch it because well i don't agree at all i think you okay you did the thing and was it perfect no did you handle it pretty damn well considering your issues yes i think we can both agree with that i think that's really good right you felt the jealousy you dealt with it in a pretty pretty good way i think if you go hey you know what i

thought about it i realized like i overreact a little bit or like you know I don't want to take this fun thing away from us blah blah and you're like cool about it and explain it and sit down and aren't weird I don't think they're gonna care I think they'll probably be happy that you can get over your issue I think me personally if I was the dude in this situation I would be uncomfortable now and not because I'm thinking about my ex but because i would be worried pretty consistently at being like are they just doing this for me are they super uncomfortable are they enjoying it i think like i i would then be like nah it's all right so i think what you're suggesting is a valid point this thing is like if someone is willing to admit like why they felt the

way they felt take some time think about it come back and like be open and honest and communicative about it i'm definitely willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and move on and i think if it goes well that's a huge stride forward for them and me and i would hate to shoot that down and like fuck that progress a lot of this comes from like i had a very jealous ex who definitely did not do any of these positive things. I never made any strides. It's like,

if she had, I would have been very willing to work with them. I think what it comes down to is despite, I agree with you. I think if you, if you can get to a place where you guys can watch this together and this can be part of your healing, fuck yeah,

do that. But I don't think you should let your guilt on the matter and how, you know, sort of sad he was that he couldn't get to share this show with you to rush to that point. Yes. I think that you need to be 100% confident that you can watch this show without

getting fucking weird because it'll just compound the negativeness of it. So keep bringing this up in your next therapy session. Talk about it. Talk about how you do want to share this show. And hopefully your therapist can give you some exercises or some things to think about and to work on so that when you are ready and you do need to be

ready to watch this show with him, you can both enjoy it and you can reassure him and be like, Hey, I talked about this with my therapist. Here are the things I've worked on. Here are the things I've, I've like, you know, realize here are my epiphanies. Let's do it. I'm ready for this. Yes. I think 100% do not watch this show if you are not there. If you are not 100% okay.

I definitely don't do it just because you feel bad. And there are ways to work around this. If you feel really bad, but you know you can't do that maybe be like hey i'm sorry and again i think owning where you're coming from and owning that you're you know if you feel bad about it it's going to be nice for them to hear that you feel bad about it just be like hey look i am really sorry i didn't mean to do this i know it's something you're excited about and then float a positive idea like being like hey is there a different anime you think i'd like let's make our own memory that's a pretty positive workaround and with you kind of admitting where you're coming from and being humble and like i think that's just going to be a good situation all around and maybe you'll

get to the show or maybe it'll never come up again because it doesn't really matter yeah ultimately i think this is a a good situation in terms of uh. I think you have a lot of the foundation in building blocks to make sure that this isn't a big thing. Is he bummed? Yeah, probably. Is he going to care? I assume not. I assume he was excited for it. He really wanted to show it

to you. It didn't work out. I'm sure there is something else that you guys can watch together that it'll be fine. Like, you're good. Just make sure that you're making choices based on progress and confidence and not guilt. Because I think the second you start doing that, you get into messy territory. Yeah, it was probably less that specific anime than like having your enthusiasm shot down having your jealousy rear

its head because obviously it's been an issue and those things you know i mean rather than that specific anime that specific night so if you move on if you're positive if you guys get to share his hobby together um and his interests etc and move forward and you're admitting to the things you're doing and moving on a positive way. That's going to be a fucking flash in the pan. And it'll be a moment of growth instead of this issue. So like, don't think about it too much in terms of this specific anime, but more like the issues that surround it,

which you can show aren't that bad by moving on in different, more positive ways. And also let's face it, like he might've been bummed, not because you didn't want to watch the show, but because you were feeling uncomfortable. I know that like, I am a pretty empathetic person. And if my partner feels bad, I tend to be like, oh damn, like that sucks. I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you to feel jealous. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable when you're trying to do the opposite. Right. Yeah. So like, I don't, don't put too much weight on this one show as As Niall said, just let that moment be what it is and be what it was. You handled it very well. If it went down the way that you said it went down. So just, you know, pat yourself on the back and move forward.

Keep talking to your therapist about it. And you got it. I believe in you. I think you have the, the frown or the groundation. Well, the groundation. I keep trying to, first I tried to say framework and I said frowned and then I said groundation, which I meant to say groundwork. We just, I just mixed them all up and now groundation is my, yeah, groundation is my new word.

This come from kiss my ex. Whoa. Is it wrong for me to get upset if my boyfriend watches porn while I give him head? As of late, my boyfriend has been watching porn while I give him head to help him finish. I try to give him all my efforts. I can when I'm giving head.

I told him it makes me a bit upset because he didn't used to do this before. So what was different now? He would tell me what would feel so good to him and what wouldn't. I took mental notes so that I could make him feel good. So why does he feel the need to watch porn now? He justifies it as the same way I use my vibrator to help me finish. Am I wrong for being upset? If you don't want to do a thing,

you don't have to do it. And that includes letting your partner watch porn while you go down on them. Yeah. And that's it. So it's like, no, are you wrong to be upset? No. But like, don't do it then. You know? I wonder, I really hope this isn't the case, but I'm not entirely sure it isn't.

Is this a play that he's doing because he is jealous of your vibrator and doesn't have another way to like act on that? I hope not. Yeah. But like, unfortunately, knowing the world and having done this podcast for almost four years or more than four years, because who's keeping track? I wouldn't be surprised if he was upset about your vibrators. Like do i get back at her this is it this is it this is i'm gonna do it the old porn ploy i think it is it can be fun to watch porn well while in intimate moments but as now said if you're not feeling it if one person isn't feeling it then it's it's the same way as like literally anything if someone isn't enjoying an, then it's the same way as, like, literally anything. If someone isn't

enjoying an aspect of an intimate relationship or a sexual activity, then it's not good. And you shouldn't do it. I also don't think the vibrator porn comparison holds up. No, not at all. I'm sure if this dude

fucking listened, he'd be like, oh, so she can use her vibrator, but I can't look at porn? And because, like, during the vibrator, the vibrator is an extension of that sexual act. Whereas presumably if you're watching porn, you're not connected to your partner anymore. You're connected to a third party, which are the actors on the screen or whatever's happening on the screen. And presumably you're probably imagining what's happening on screen to be happening to you and are currently just using your partner as a sex toy as opposed to using a sex toy with a partner yeah if you're doing it consensually and this is a thing you're

doing great but like it is a kink right it's like anal play or whatever it's like you can't just be like oh no i have to fuck you in the ass because you use a vibrator. Right. That's not how it works. You can't be like, Oh, I need porn now. Like it is a specific sexual act.

And if people aren't comfortable with it, which I understand, cause it can be kind of demeaning to be like, you're not enough. I need this like mental and visual stimulation. And I, again, yes, you could feel insecure by being like,

oh, you're not enough. I need this vibrator for, you know, physical stimulation, but there is a difference. And a lot of that difference is, for example, the orgasm gap, which needs to be closed. And let's face it, the female orgasm is a lot more complicated based on like, there are multiple ways to achieve it yeah like if you can only if you find that you can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation and you're currently having sex some people find it hard to coordinate clitoral stimulation with sex or depending on what position you are it can be difficult to get a prop like to be uh effective sexually while doing both some people have trouble with that i know for me i tend to like either do one or the other really good because i end up focusing

on one thing and realizing oh i stopped thrusting my bad i was just i was really enjoying what you were doing and i was me i was making sure it's so it's like i get it and i love if if you require clitoral stimulation and you want to bust out a vibrator and i don't have to do the like rubbing your head and and rubbing your belly and patting your head maneuver of keeping a good you know thrusting rhythm while also giving you the the rhythm of what you need on your clit like if i can skip that and just focus on one thing and be really good at one thing fuck yes it's a cheat code if all my arms are back in the equation i'm gonna be better at thrusting you know what i mean i will say i do love the manual stimulation i like to do it there are certain you know you get those positions down where you can nail it but like there are times

you're in certain positions or certain places or you're working on shit. And it's like a vibrator would be very handy right here. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it's like, but that's the thing. It's a tool. And often you could be the one using it. You know what I mean? So it's very different to just being like, I need to watch porn.

And also it's like if like mental stimulation is very different to physical. Yes. So it's like you're saying your partner isn't doing it for you mentally as opposed to being like, oh, I need, you know, it's not the same, dude. I'm sorry. Get out. It isn't. So ultimately, as Niall said, pretty much right at the beginning is if you don't enjoy this, tell him, be like, hey, I'm sorry. I don't enjoy this.

If you need reasons why his analogy doesn't work, we just gave you a bunch. But just tell him like, hey, I'm really uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I am not enough or I'm inadequate. If you need me to do something or if you want me to try something or if you'd like to, if there's a particularly hot blowjob video that you like watching, maybe I can recreate some of the techniques there. Again, that is not something you need to do. If it's something you want to do by all means but let them know be like hey i feel a little neglected and a little degraded and used when all you want is my mouth and to disconnect from me entirely like this is a sexual experience i want to be connected with you i want to do

things to you if you need dirty talk or something then i can say filthy things to you while i'm giving you a hand job and you know get you closer you closer to the end of the race and figure out what you guys can do together. I think that's a very good thing that Dane just said to combat. If, again, this is what's happening, him being like, well, I feel neglected when you use a vibrator or I feel blah, blah, blah. Because, like, you're not imagining yourself in this other scenario necessarily. You're still there with them that's like the vibrator is just part of it as opposed to if it's like and you're using it together as opposed to if you're giving someone a blow job and they're looking at porn they're using you yes and i think that's the best way to combat that kind of fucking rhetoric and yeah

again like a good partner if something's not working will let you know how to change X, Y, or Z. Again, not that you're required to do those things, but you should work together. So if something's not working to get him off, hopefully you can talk and hopefully porn isn't the be all and end all where he's concerned. And if it is, and you're not comfortable with that, new relationship time. We've also completely ignored the fact that like this, you just might straight up have a porn addiction and it's so deep in the paint in that, that he literally requires it now to finish because he's so,

you know, it's the same way as like some people who like can't have sex without getting drunk or, you know, can't, can't get through the day without getting high or like things like addiction is addiction is addiction. And porn addiction is,

is very much a legitimate issue that a lot of young men a lot of men in general suffer with so if that's also the case like you might need to broach the subject and be like if you can't finish without watching porn yeah then either we need to work together and figure out what you actually enjoy and what you actually like so that I can, I can do that for you. Or we need to address your porn consumption because if you, if you're so deep in it that you literally cannot come without porn, then that is a you problem. I do not a me problem. And it's pretty bad if they're doing that and kind of blaming you and your vibrator. Like that's even worse. He's like fucking fielding his problems onto you. I mean, mean that's that's kind of how a lot of people deal with addiction right like it's i know

it just means it's shit yeah shit for sure shit this can be all right give me one sec i just i'm gonna wake fray up i think she's passed out her class about to start i feel bad i got one more question for you dan this is by spurious cen. Sent my gift early to my long distance partner. Now her dad's pissed. I'm a 29 year old. I don't know what it is about like, anytime like there's a dad involved in a question. I just immediately,

I shouldn't laugh because I know this is going to be like a terrible thing now. Now that I've laughed to make myself look like an asshole. Yeah. The gift was poison and the really kind pony that she owned no uh some of my gift early dad's pissed i 29 year old male partner 23 year old female i've been in long-distance relationships since 2020 when the pandemic began after that we've been collecting stuff to help us survive long-distance relationship so far the best we have used is the nipple suckers and clit vibrator. For Christmas, I bought her a thrust machine since she's been wanting to try something new.

When the parcel arrived the other day, her dad was the one who received it and sadly opened it because I wrote the wrong name. My partner and her dad's name are spelled alike. That's probably why I got it messed up. I wrote Devian instead of writing Devian. When my girlfriend came home, she immediately called me, told me her dad was pissed. I kept nagging her about the gift and asking many questions. I don't know if her dad's upset because I gave his daughter

sex toys or because he thought I'm giving him the sex toys. Did I reach out to the dad to clear things up? See, this is I knew it. This is why I love it. I love when things happen to dads um i feel like we're we're missing a lot by not knowing the dad's age because if he's like 65 that's different than if he's like 42 i don't know if it is man oh it is uh Uh, like, what do you do?

You have to make this relationship even longer distance and run away. Yeah, that's the thing. You're in the best position because you are, in fact, long distance. And there's going to be a part of him that doesn't want to hunt you down because he doesn't know if you sent it to him or her. In fact, maybe she doesn or her. In fact, maybe she doesn't either. In fact, I don't.

Hey, it's a Freudian slip. Maybe you, it is for sure. Maybe, maybe there's a little something, something deep inside you that wants to get a little dad thrust in. Yeah,

this is, oh man, I like, I don't, I never know what to answer on this question because like, in my mind, I know, like,

I want to give like the proper, you know, podcast thing be like oh just explain you know reach out be like i'm sorry you know i i didn't mean that was meant to be a private gift between you and your daughter blah blah but it's like you can't do that you can't do it that's not something you can do in real life in lovely fake world podcast world where we give advice that's exactly what you but you can't you can't talk to your partner's dad and be like sorry i accidentally sent you a fuck machine well guess what you know what's good he knows what it's for i'll bet it was pretty clear in the packaging so you don't need to explain that oh yeah no i don't think this i i think there's a reason why he's pissed it's not because he's like, you sent me a weird

machine. I think he knows what it is. Yeah, so, like, nothing needs to be explained there. He knows what a fuck machine is. Maybe not beforehand, but now he does. He, I assume, can figure out that it's not for him. So I think your part in this is done.

You're good. Yeah, unfortunately, she's gonna to have the worst Christmas ever. Yeah, the burden is on this poor woman who now has to, like, have breakfast with her sweet papa, who is now, like, heard a lot of whirring last night in the bedroom. Well, that's the good thing is, like, when you say, hey, don't come in, he's never going to come in. He's actually probably never going to walk into your room again. And that's good. That's a good thing is like when you say, hey, don't come in. He's not he's never going to come in. He's actually probably never going to walk into your room again. And that's good. That's a net win.

I think she might have a long distance relationship with her dad, too, because I would. He's going to move out. Yeah, I would probably build a rocket ship in the backyard and just blast myself off into space. I would rewrap and pretend I never found it. Yes, I don't understand these people if i opened a gift and i knew that like we have very similar names my daughter's in a long distance relationship and i opened a box and it's like the fucktron thrustmaster 3000 i wouldn't be like i definitely have to talk to her about this it's like what's there to say you know it's like what do you hey here it is

how dare you yeah also like did he did he have to give it to her be like well here you go but i am upset but also i guess have a good night yeah is it just gonna sit on like the garage shelf and be like that's that's the shelf we don't talk about the best part is he did ask many questions I want to know more about that what questions would you hey what is this fuckmaster 3000 and there's not only an engine

and a pole and a dildo on the top so dad figure it out you know like okay is this for me maybe he's pissed because it wasn't for him and for a second he was really excited. Maybe he was fucking hype. I'm all for, you know, especially long distance.

Do what you got to do. Put your work in, for sure. But I can't imagine, like, I assume this is one of those, like, battering ram situations, right? Where it, like, thrusts in and out. Or back and forth, like on a horizontal plane. I can't imagine those things are fucking quiet. And I also imagine they're not small either this isn't exactly

the most discreet gift so like I don't know I just feel like this is bad planning on your part too I feel like if you're going to be sending sexy presents to your long distance girlfriend make sure you're not sending them the equivalent of a fucking

Peloton bike. Where are you going to put that? Slide it under your bed and let it collect fucking dust bunnies before? I don't want to have to dust or detail clean something every time I'm about to use it. Does it come in a little bag? I don't know. But in my mind, the ones that I've

seen, pretty fucking big. Also, you could have just bought a flight for that and actually fucked. Yeah, I guess I don't know how. In the comments, people are saying at least 800 US dollars. And I'm flying to Ireland

for less than that. What? That's one night of thrusting. This gives her a lifetime of thrusting. Presumably on one that's one night of thrusting this gives her a lifetime of thrusting presumably on the warranty a week of thrust but also it doesn't piss off a dad except for in normal ways and you actually get to fuck i don't know yeah i i again there's nothing i can say here there's nothing you just have to in the, the world where you hope that everyone becomes an adult real quick and it pretends this never happened.

Yeah. I think the, like to answer your questions, is he mad because he thinks I, you sent him sex toys. I very much doubt it. Do you reach out? No,

there's nothing to say. Everything you could say, he knows you could. Here's the only thing I think you should say. You should reach out to him and be like, Hey, did you reach out? No, there's nothing to say. Everything you could say, he knows. You could. Here's the only thing I think you should say. You should reach out to him and be like, hey. Did you try it? I know you got Devania's package, whatever her name is.

I'm sorry I addressed it to you. Would you like one as well? Just leave it at that. That way you cover all your bases. One, he knows it wasn't for him. So you got that off the table. Yeah. Two, now he doesn't feel left out.

Now he doesn't feel left out. Now, if he wants one, if he's not, if he's, you know, and then three. He's freaked out. If he's like, no, I don't want one. I'm upset that you sent it to my daughter. Be like, okay, but you opened it. I guess it was addressed to him. Yeah. If it wasn't addressed to him, you could just blackmail and be like, hey, that's a

federal fucking crime. Do you know how much trouble you can get in by opening someone else's mail? Opening someone else's fuckmaster? That'll get you fucking blacklisted. Dude, you're in so much trouble. I'm getting Joe on the phone right now.

Yes, my good friend Mr. Biden, I have a federal criminal that i would like to alert you to uh yeah just you know i did not this but i did accidentally like text someone's dad after i met them on a night out i think i've talked about this on the show before hold on you texted i sent an instagram message to their dad because when i looked up i looked up their last name because it was very like they gave me their name they were like add me on Instagram whatever

so I fucking looked up their last name because it was very weird very particular and the first one that came up it was Daniel versus Danielle I was very drunk so I just kind of hit it and was like hey

nice meeting you tonight and then she didn't reply and then I looked and I was like whoop that does say Daniel and not Danielle and then I messaged her and never heard from like I heard from them, but I never had them say, hey, did you fucking kind of flirt with my dad a bit? Did you hit on my dad?

I did hit on your dad, but maybe he never told. That's the thing. He's a sneaky freak dad because he liked it. But then he didn't tell her. So and that's the way dad should be that's the thing and you know what i will say that he didn't go hey you're out last night you met this fucking irish degenerate and now we send you instagrams he just went okay not for me yeah oh this again he probably it probably happens all the fucking time yeah it's like having a normal first name

that's so similar to your daughter's, but then such a bizarre last name that it's the only, like, it must have only been the two of them that popped up. Here's the fucking advice. Stop naming your kids exactly like you. That's true. That's true. That's your fucking fault. Like, if I had a Nyla

and then all of a sudden I got sex machines in the mail, it would probably be my fault. Yeah, if I, like, named my kid Diana or Dana, it's stupid. Don't do it. That's your fault. If you don't want to open up your daughter's fuck toys, don't name them the same thing.

It's true. That's my advice. You fucked up, Dad. You did. You're the fuckmaster 3000 because you fucked that situation up so hard. You fuckmastered that situation up. That's going to do it.

But before we leave, we're going to jump on to some online dating platforms, such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, to comb through some profiles. Look for red flags. See what works, what doesn't work, and effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. This person has no name, and that's probably for the best because on their Hinge profile, they say, a random fact I love is

you can kill someone with over-the-counter potassium and make it look like a heart attack if you inject it underneath their tongue. Love that energy. I am never gonna date you because I fear for my life. Hold on, hold on

one second. Yes, good friend mr biden i have another criminal for you biden we've got a two for one special we got a fuck dad and we got a murder girlfriend yeah this is zero this is zero i don't like i don't want to be murdered please yeah no it's a zero that's like no zero uh this is sam five six hockey player final lover current emo kid let's talk about our love-hate relationship with the leafs we'll eventually be one half of a dink power couple if you don't know what that is ask do you know what that is i have no idea what it is but it's it's all capitals so i don't know if it's an acronym i assume it's probably like some sort of hockey family.

I believe it is a couple without children living together while both partners are receiving an income. Yeah, double income, no kids. Hell yeah. Okay. Okay. All right, Sam. So you're going to be wealthy. You're going to maybe be able to afford a home.

Maybe. At the very least, might be able to afford rent in 10 years. Maybe, yes. maybe at the very least might be able to afford rent in 10 years maybe yes i saw an article that said by age i think 40 millennials should have saved like i think a million dollars to retire eventually and i was just like cool yeah who's doing that not five more years to go and i'm about a million short so if anyone anyone's listening, we do have a Patreon. And if a million of you join, yeah, it's fine. It's like a seven. Yeah, I'm going to give it an eight.

This is Maria. My gentlemen, I'm announcing I'm looking for a man who can, all capitals, make me come. Proceed further. M, make me dinner or participate. A, appreciate the little things I do for you. K, kiss me and or participate. A, appreciate the little things I do for you. K, kiss me and explore slash do fun, sporty activities.

E, eager to ask about my daily life, interests, and engage. M, marry me. Are they fucking going through make me cum as a... Yeah, yeah. M, marry me or make me a sandwich and all. E, endlessly adore me. C, capture my heart and soul. U, until death do us apart. M, make me a sandwich ball. E, endlessly adore me. C, capture my heart and soul. U, until death do us apart.

M, make me cum. I could be your Maria Quinn, and you could be my Joker. That's a terrible, hey, I don't know if you know this, but that's a really, really bad relationship. Mm-hmm. And her name isn't Maria. Unless she's talking about the Joker missile launcher from Call of Duty, in which in which case yeah wasn't it

harleen quinzel or whatever i assume it's because her name is maria either way it's not great overall though what do you think um i think it's like the make me come thing is actually kind of funny like yeah it is uh but i don't know there's a lot of like the endlessly adorably like i understand that probably it it's kind of like tongue- cheek it's kind of whatever you're you're stretching words to make it fit your what are they called not acronyms what's the name of that something something um i but the thing is like anyone it's it's like when people idolize uh what's that other like really shitty couple that everyone's always like we want that but like anytime anyone uh what you don't you haven't watched the show it's fine but like like anytime anyone especially harley quinn and joker i'm just like there is this is the worst it's so bad famously bad

there's no movies dedicated to it if you're a fan of harley quinn you should not like the joker yeah it's also just weird because, why would you make that? You would either make that comparison, like either you don't know anything about it. So why are you making that comparison? Or you do know something about it, which is why you're making it, but you missed the point.

Yeah. I would mark this a lot higher if the make me come like letters were more fun. I'm more like good. Cause most of them are, as you said, cringy, like endlessly adore me or very generic yeah i feel like you had a really good premise that just like didn't really

get pushed through so i'm gonna give it like a i'm gonna give it a five yeah i think five is there because ending on make me come hilarious good funny sexy i love it the boring letters takes it down and then the harley quinn joker thing not great so yeah yeah and you end up bland yeah this is rebecca recently single looking for casual dating and fun no games or drama love travel music and new experiences creative high energy and positive thinker i'd rather spend a day outside than on this app interested in meeting in person for a date no expectations p.s please don't ask me what i'm looking for on this site i've clearly stated it above women aren't attracted to guys asking for sex with their handout got game hmm this was a journey

because it was it started pretty bland dipped into the positive and then got kind of like weird at the end see i'm always like i feel like the ps in this situation was in fact added after the fact yeah with responding to what she was getting from people which is why i'm hesitant to be turned off by it but at the same time it's like it's still like if people are doing that just fucking they've shown you their true colors and you can just cut them off. You don't need to make your profile weird and bitter. Also, what's cock game? Is it just like... I think she's saying that she wants a little bit more than someone being like,

she wants someone who has game, who's not just like, oh. That's the thing. I don't think you need to say that because if someone is going to do that, they're going to do it. And if they decide not to do it just because you put it in your profile, it's probably not the kind of person you want. Yes. I understand being frustrated with having to deal with the deluge, but I think you should also understand that putting that on the plate, being like, I'm looking for fun. You're going to get a deluge of idiots. Like, unfortunately, like that's just modern dating in general let alone when

you've already like kind of opened the door a crack so i would say to deal with this would be to get rid of the ps and reframe the rest of your profile right i think that's the way to do it is maybe get rid of the like looking for casual fun right because if that's what you want that's fine that's something you can dress at a later date once you've had a connection with someone as opposed to putting it right out front because you're gonna get this torrent of you know the hot dogs to the face meme so that would be i'm gonna give this a six i give it a five as well i'm giving i'm leaning more positive on this one. Just, I don't know, maybe I'm feeling in a good mood today, but I think it's a six, and I think it could be a lot more fun with a little restructure.

See, for me, it started very firmly in five territory, and just as it started ticking up, the end was weird, so it just five. This is blank. Single mom of a two-year-old, never married, no sex before marriage belief. I want to hang out. Go for coffees, movies, walks. Wait, hold on. Single mom. Mm-hmm.

Never married. Mm-hmm. Firm believer of no sex before marriage. Mm-hmm. Now, hold on. Now, hold up. Now, hold on. Let me just ponder this bad boy. Okay, maybe you weren't listening.

I'll reread it. Single mom of a two-year-old. Never married. No sex before marriage listening. I'll reread it. Single mom of a two-year-old, never married, no sex before marriage belief. I want to hang out, go for coffees, movies, walks. It all makes perfect sense. Yeah, I think we've got it here.

We found Jesus. Yeah, that's the thing. This is how, like, you know the way there's any movie, there's always, like, that evil guy is like, you gotta get out there. I know he's been born.

We gotta find him. This is how they find him. It's like, hinge enigma you goofed it you goofed it so hard the agents of the anti-lord are moving in the wise men are all gonna get jacked and i don't mean really muscly i mean they're gonna steal their mer and shit oh i fucking hope they get jacked they're the ones who have to go save them the wise man spelled w y z e no because wise is like my utility provider and i hate them so let's not do that let's not make them cool that's gonna do it for oh i guess we have to rate this right um this is gonna be a zero because you don't understand how things work or you're a hypocrite. Maybe these changes are mine.

They were like, try the ones didn't go. Well, got a fucking two year old fair. Yes. Like, honestly, if they said no more sex before marriage belief,

I actually would really like this profile. Yeah, that's fair. I think I'd find that very funny. I'm going to give it a, I'm giving it a three. Actually, I'm going to put it in three territory. Yeah, I'll give it a two. That's going to give it a I'm giving it a three. Actually, I'm going to put it in three territory.

Yeah, I'll give it a two. That's going to do it for us, friends. Thank you very much for listening. As now mentioned very briefly, we do have a Patreon and because of your generous support, both of us have upgraded our setup a little bit. We've we've got nice. We've gotten. Can you hear the difference? I think you can probably

hear the difference for sure. Just so you know, if you do support the show, if you do join the Patreon, and we highly recommend that you do, if you do enjoy it and you want to support us, you get a bonus episode every month called Pillow Talk where we goof around a little bit, get loosey, get goosey, we do all the things you like, but with a little less pressure, a little more

chilled out. But all that money goes directly back into the show, either for stuff for the live shows, we're getting better gear, advertising, marketing stuff, and just like general show boosting things. So every dime that you guys give us through the Patreon goes right back into the show, which then benefits you because the show gets better and we do cooler things and we we do more live shows and we we get the chance to do other shows and you know it frees up time and it allows us to a little bit more flexibility with what we can do with the show 100 so thank you for everybody and i think it was two days yesterday it was yesterday i posted a i did a post about the patreon and almost immediately

somebody joined and i just want to say you know who you are thank you thank you fucking hero love it uh you ready for some bad sex writing you have to thank a boy after i thank josh eagle and the harvest cities for their song paper stars are you ready yes this one's confusing but this is michelle hula back and the song and the not the song the novel is submission some man had been foolish enough to let his penis curl up for a nap in his pants or boxers. Two young women of varying race would alert him to the oversight, and, this accomplished, would stop at nothing until they liberated his organ from its temporary abode. They'd coax it out with the sluttiest kind of badinage, all in the spirit of friendship and feminine complicity. The penis would pass from one mouth to the other, tongues crossing paths

like restless flocks of swallows in the somber skies above the Seine-et-Marne, where they prepare to leave Europe for their winter migration. Sounds kind of nice. I don't understand how, like, the, like, is, am I being an idiot for letting my penis curl up in my pants right now?

You're a fucking idiot. Don't let it sleep there. What's my other option? You gotta train it better. If it sleeps it sleep there. What's my other option? You got to train it better. If it sleeps there once, it's always going to want to sleep there. How to train your trouser dragon? My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Noss Bane. We've been your fuck buddies. you