F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 233 - Badly and Weirdly

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

How do you like to eat a lollipop?  Do you just crunch it or do you put your tongue outside of your mouth?  Topics include a very expensive first date, a slippery condom situation, lying about your age, small mouth/large penis, keeping dating apps for writing material, cuckolding without a third party, making love over hooking up.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Nile Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and we turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we're a sex and dating advice podcast that finds questions either online or from our wonderful listeners. And we answer them right here or in person, live. Which we just did another live show. We did just do another recording. Yeah, it is in the past, but also the future, because we're capoeira-ing. But don't you worry, there is another one in April. That's right.

I can look up the time, the date of that. I think it's the 20th. Let's find out if you're correct. It is the 20th. 20th of April. 20th of April. Toronto, Ontario at the Black Sheep Cocktail Bar. We will be doing our potentially final show there.

We have the opportunity to continue to do more but we'll see. We signed on to do three shows and this might be your last chance to see us there. Don't fuck around. Don't fuck around. Unless you're fucking around.

That's the only excuse you have not to go to our show. If you are having sex, great. Good sex. You can't not come because you're having meteor... mediocre sex. You can definitely not come if you're having meteor sex. Or maybe you can't come because you're having

mediocre sex. I said meteor.'t cum because you're having mediocre sex. I said meatier. I know, but what I'm saying is... I know, I was also going to make that joke. Too many jokes. Ready for a question? Yeah. This is by Mealy21.

I, female 21, was on a date last night. He, 24-year-old male, spent $1,000. I'm not really interested in moving forward. How do I let him know? Hiya. We met online and honestly, I was only moderately attracted to him physically. Thought he was a bit too pushy slash clingy. Talked to my guy friend.

He said give him a chance on a date and I did. After he texted me on the app non-stop for a week, I decided to meet up. The date itself was not horrible, but I was a little concerned about how much money he was spending. He's in IT, so he is not poor. So I guess he can afford it. Dinner. high-end steakhouse, about $400. Play afterwards, VIP seats, about $200. Boat ride thing, live music slash food, $200. Earring slash necklace set, he brought these to the date, $200. Sticker price

was left on them. It was about $170. I appreciate the attention, activities, dinner, and gifts, but I am torn on if I should give him another opportunity. I'm just not feeling him like that was left on them it was about 170 i appreciate the attention activities dinner and gifts but i'm torn on if i should give him another opportunity i'm just not feeling him like that at the moment i guess okay i was i was concerned but none of this seems to be your it's not like you were like i want to go here for dinner and then you're going to take me out to this play and then like you also like who brings a fucking $200 gift to a date. That's right. Like,

and especially, you know, he left that fucking tag on, on purpose. Yeah. So this is, I think the gift is the, I could, you know,

forgive and be like, Oh, this guy is just, he doesn't understand that. Like, you don't need to throw money at the problem, but I think this is his move is throwing money at the problem. Right.

Like I will say, just cause this does add a little salt on the stake of this question. Edit. I am not returning the gift unless he specifically asked for it. A lot of people are PMing me telling me to do that. I will not. It's a nice gift. Doesn't really have bearing, but it does add a little shading.

Yeah, I think it's one of those things. I think you. Sure, he gave you a gift right like that's fine i don't think there's any sort of ethical problem keeping it but i think there's i think it would soften the blow a bit of being like hi you spent a lot of money on me i can't accept this gift i'm not i'm not feeling the vibes. I don't think I want to pursue anything further with you. And I think it would be unfair of me to keep such an expensive gift after you already spent so much on a date. Uh, you know, good luck, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Here you go. I think that would be the way to go forward.

A hundred percent. And like, the thing is the reason why he's doing this is exactly this. So you feel bad saying no, because if this was I went on a date, didn't work out like there wouldn't really be a question here. Whereas you're like, oh, fuck, I feel bad. He spent a thousand dollars. And now I have to say I don't want to see him again. And now it sounds like I'm an asshole. It doesn't. He shouldn't be spending this fucking money. No, I mean, this was his choice. He made these choices. And if he thinks that this is the only way to attract a woman, then I think you're going to find him. If you do, you know, prolong this long enough that you'll find that he's lacking in sort of the essential things that make a partner, a good partner, because his move is cash.

Yeah. Because, you know, it's like, Oh, he does something bad. He's not going to communicate and apologize. What the problem was, he's going to buy you a nice shiny necklace.

And that could be nice in the brief period of time. But as a long term partner, like, no, you I don't want someone who thinks that romance and commitment and, you know, all these things that you kind of want from a partner is equatable to a dollar value. Yeah, because you're going to have a bad time if that's how they think. And also, it's just like it sucks that this is what he obviously thinks. This is the only thing he thinks he brings to the table. That's another thing.

It does sort of give you an indication that like maybe his self-esteem slash self-worth isn't quite as high as it should be and he is compensating for insecurities or he knows he's a piece of shit and yeah he's trying to just get past it by doing this yeah uh i i think there's a lot here that is like if i went on a date and someone wanted to spend like more than a hundred dollars i would be like no let's let's uh let's split this i you know thank you very much for offering but like that's a lot that's a lot for a date like anywhere in the hundred dollars to two hundred dollar range i think is it's not an unreasonable place especially depending on where you go and uh what's it how then yeah and how long you're

hanging out like um you know there's there's a bar that I like to go to. It's a very nice bar, but it can be expensive, especially if you end up like falling deep into a conversation and are there for like four or five, six hours. It's very easy to get your bill up to 100 bucks. Oh, yeah. Easy. Well, like most the average cocktail in Toronto is like, what, $16? $16 to $20, yeah. Yeah, so it's like you're paying $20 to $25 with tip then per drink.

Four drinks can rack you up $100 easy, you know? Yeah, and that's, you know, that's two drinks each. Yeah. Cool. But we've talked before about why dinner is not a great first date, purely for, well, for many reasons, but one of them being monetary. And this is the opposite of that. And hey, maybe they're just balling. But like, I think even if they're just so rich that this isn't a consequence of them, I think the necklace that he brought is a weird fucking move. Like, again, if they were just like, hey, I am so rich that this is totally fine.

I could ignore most of the bad parts of the dinner play and boat ride but the gift is weird yeah you know if you if you wanted to give you like flowers would be you know i'd be like okay he's a little traditional that's kind of sweet but yeah flowers would be over the top but still acceptable yeah but to go out to a jewelry store pick something up spend as much as he did and then presented you on the date like with that sticker on most importantly that's that's weird that's a weird thing to do so look don't let the money get in the way of you ending things because what's the other option you go out with them a second time and then you're twice as guilty yeah and like this falls into literally every like don't let x make you feel bad about not wanting to see anyone right it could have been oh he built he or he cooked me a really really nice dinner that took

him all day to make and i feel bad not wanting to see him too bad that it's a very nice gesture might have been a great day if you're not feeling it you're not feeling it yeah it doesn't matter what you've done and it doesn't matter what happened on that date it doesn't matter if they spent a bunch of money a bunch of time you know whatever very very much especially does not matter if they spent a bunch of money because that's on them they shouldn't and it is classically a tactic to get you to feel like you owe them and that's shit yeah but like the point i'm trying to make is if you're not feeling it with someone yeah don't try to force it because you know you you think that it's owed to them it's not you gave them a chance

it didn't work out and like i was saying it literally is just going to get worse if you go out with them anymore yeah like second Like second date, best case, he spends another $1,000. Worst case, it doubles. You know what I mean? Like what's going to happen here? And then you're like, well, shit, I went out first. It was $1,000. Second date was $1,300.

Now I have a gown to match my earrings and necklace. Like, you know what I mean? Fuck. Now I really can't dump him. Like, no, it doesn't matter. He made this choice. I will say you should offer to give the gift back unless you fear for your safety and don't want to see him in person yes i think that is it i think you

need to return the gift i think that is a nice clean break because there's still a little he could still loom that over you and i think also like do you want it do you want just random shitty manipulation gift yeah i wouldn't i'd love to know how many girls he's given this to who's given it back and he brings it to the next date. Maybe that's why the tag is still there and not because he wants people to know how much it is, but so that he can return it. Maybe the number on the back

is the amount of girls he's given it to and not the price. This is from The Immortal Potato. Condom gets stuck inside my girlfriend's vagina? This is the problem we've been having recently in a relationship of three years. The condom does not stay on my penis for long while we're having sex. It either moves up or gets stuck inside her. It has become a risky situation as she and I both like when I orgasm inside her.

With condom on, of course, and recently after coming I saw the condom was not on my penis but stuck inside her. We both felt panic that it might have led to pregnancy, which none of us want at this moment. We thought it was because I might be having weak erections, but every time we've checked, I'm rock hard. So now my girlfriend feels like something's wrong with her, which I don't like. Like she gets embarrassed and stuff, which I hate because I'm still very much attracted to her as I was on day one. And I don't think it's in her control what's happening. I want to know what could be the possible reasons, any input or experiences. You're probably just putting it as i was on day one and i don't think it's in her control what's happening i want to know what could

be the possible reasons any input or experiences uh you're probably just putting it on wrong or you have the wrong size for your dick those are the answers like i i had this happen once and ever since i had to make sure i pulled it all the way to the bottom i also was using the wrong size at the time but for different reasons so yeah just like make sure pull it all all the way to the bottom. I also was using the wrong size at the time, but for different reasons. So yeah, just like make sure, pull it all the way down to the base. Don't stop halfway.

Don't stop any, just make sure you have done it correctly. Also, if it has a reservoir tip, make sure you are pinching the reservoir tip when you're putting it on. You always gotta pinch the reservoir tip, but that's, I just assume everyone knows that, but I know I shouldn't. I think honestly, it's probably not a i you've got the wrong size i don't know like i've there's so okay so i use

let's get into the to the nitty gritties of it i use uh the skin brand large elite condoms or whatever the fuck they're called and i've found that they have another like the same size condom but different texture like it's like their sense of thin version like the same size condom, but different texture. Like it's like their sense of thin version of like a thinner condom. And I was like, oh, cool. Great. Let's try that out. And that thing, I cannot keep that fucking condom on my dick if I super glued it on.

I don't know what the difference is. Like they are supposedly the same size. But for whatever reason. Is it the same size in terms of width as well? Yeah. And like, I don't know what the difference so like if this is happening to you try different brands of condoms if you are buying a large size condom just to state your ego or to impress someone stop doing that buy the condoms that because like you know i've talked about it before it's not like i'm walking around

with a huge dick it's just one condom fits better than the other condoms. Like some condoms, I find the reservoir tip ends up getting like loose or and like I end up getting all the way in there. And then that's an uncomfortable sensation. It's there's so many different things that can happen with different condoms based on your dick. So change your brand of condom. Change your size of condom. There are websites.

I'm pretty sure Durex and Trojan both have a sizing chart as well. You can go on the website and look. I'm also sure that you can just search condom sizing chart. You'll find one online and start wearing condoms that fit you. And again, make sure that you're putting it down to the base because that was what happened with me. Because like, I was actually wearing condoms that weren't wide enough back in Ireland.

And I still had this happen to me because I just, you know, I was young. And does it have their age on this? It does. Because they're only together three months and they only. Three years. Oh, three years. That's it. Three months.

So they're at least three. They're at least three. OK, no, but just it's those two things that's it that's it or like unless he's like lubing up his dick massively before he puts it in the condom hey that's an excellent point too i didn't think about that but yeah are you doing anything prior to to putting a condom on i will say i've been with partners who like to get particularly sloppy with blowjobs and I'm like slick as hell. And I find that sometimes the condom goes on a little weird. So like if that's the case, if you're getting a very sloppy blowjob and you have, and you are, you know, quite

lubricated via spit, maybe just take a second to like rub your hand over it and kind of like squeegee it off a little bit before putting your condom on. Think about what happened if every time this happens just beforehand, you just got the sloppiest blowjob of your life. OK, maybe that's it. If it's just this isn't a simple fix. Three steps. Correct size. Correct application.

Make sure you're not ultra lubing the shit out of it, be it lube or saliva or whatever. And that's it. You'll be good. Good luck. Good luck. This is posted by blank. I, 28-year-old male, lied to my girlfriend, 25-year-old female, about my age and it's been eating me up. So I met my girlfriend, 25-year-old female, on a dating app last year.

At the time, I was 27 and about to turn 28. However, after a couple of dates, I looked at my dating app profile and noticed I'd gotten the year wrong by a year, and it said it was 26. Now, on our third date, the subject drifted onto birthdays. When she asked me mine, I gave her a date that would make me 26, as my profile stated. I felt like complete and utter crap, but I said it because I didn't want her to think I was lying on my profile and making myself essentially two years younger than I actually was. Fast forward six months, she's now my girlfriend, and every day this lie has been eating me up. I just want to tell her and come clean, but at the same time, I'm terrified she'll leave me as I love her so much.

I know it's completely my fault, and I should be prepared to handle the consequence of my lie, but I would really value people's opinion on this in general. Man, you had such an easy out, yeah you fucking blew it so hard you dug the deepest hole you dug down so hard yeah you were like standing on just like a little bit of sloped dirt and you were like actually let's make this worse and then you went out and bought a full blown fucking little digger machine and made just a cavern of lies look why all you had to say was like just say your real birth date and if they were like wait i thought you were 26 you'd be like no i'm 28 like why did you think i was 26 your profile says it oh no oh oops yeah he's also like the lie before like the

the tinder whatever it's reasonable lie, you had to use math. You had to calculate that. You took your time. Yeah. You know what I mean? This didn't just fly off the tip of your tongue. You were like, oh shit. Like, when I have to card people,

it takes me a second to be like, hold on. Hold on. How many years? Okay. You had to do that. You do fucked up. Real, real bad. Here's what I'm going to say you do.

Bear with me here for a second. Capoeira. Stage your death and then show up at the fake funeral you're holding for yourself as your older self who failed to come back in time. And now because you're in a paradox, you can't return to your timeline because in your timeline, you're dead. But in your timeline, if you died at this point you wouldn't have gotten older so you wouldn't have been able to come back no you would have been able to because somebody else saved you because you were the reason he died you coming back whoa cause the death but when you came back was to tell him to stop lying about his age yeah

uh yeah i feel like just you gotta fucking fall into some kind of like temporal prison that when you get out you're like it's been two years for me how long has it been for you and she'd be like you look the exact same you're like no i'm 28 now yeah just grow your beard out a little longer maybe brush in some gray highlights a little bit maybe like get on a plane that's gonna crash and and you come back say it took twice as long you will have to survive a plane crash and living on an island and maybe a polar bear yes make the lost references now make them smoke monster code uh jack we have to go back we have to go back just fucking tell her the longer this goes on the worse it is yeah yeah

like you can't wait until there's a milestone if this lasts till you're 30 that's gonna be weird you know let me see like wait 30 but if you're just like oh i'm actually 28 alternatively have you ever said the actual age if you just gave a birth date and said this is when my birth date is could you say oh shit i did math wrong i'm bad at birthdays. Or just like, oh, shit, I misspoke. But I realize I am kind of telling you the gaslighter and I don't love that. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Like, yeah, that's kind of. And you know what? I was going to jokingly make that joke, but we we should be better than this. Yeah, you just have to be like, look, I don't know why I did this. I fucked up because I don't think if someone did that to me, I'd be like, I don't care. Yeah. I'd be like, you're this fucking weirdo. And then we'd laugh about it and we'd move on. It would be different if you were 16 and you lied that you were older.

Now they do have a pattern of lying. What if they are? Yeah. You know, like if there was a legality issue about your, your age, sure. I totally understand being scared to bring that up. I get it. But a difference of what? Two years, three years, a year and a half, arguably.

Right. Doesn't mean anything. And if someone gets upset about the age difference, I understand if they could be a little annoyed, be like, why did you lie? That's fucking dumb. I would understand that. But if they're like, what annoyed be like why did you lie that's fucking dumb I would understand that but if they're like what you're you're how old and then that sort of like crumples

their brain then you know whatever you know what if someone's upset that you lied or that you have that age okay good the better the sooner you get that over with the better and also if they're not upset the sooner you get it done with the better because the longer this goes on the worse can be one for you because you're obsessing about every day and two for her because it's going to be like, oh, you waited how long?

Yeah. So you got to do it today. Take your fucking consequences. If they do get upset, don't get defensive and shitty. You did a weird, bad thing and you did it badly and weirdly. So you got to take what comes to you just be like look own it be like yeah i was it was dumb i was a big weirdo shouldn't have done it but i did and i'm sorry and i want to come clean boom if they want to not date you then that's fine if they do

want to date you you've got a funny story you big weirdo it's so weird uh this is a short one i oh god mm tiny how to give a blow job with a small mouth the guy i'm going to see is really thick and i have a really small mouth are there any tricks to help the situation you can stick your tongue out of your mouth you can use your saliva on your hands i'm like i'm wondering like how small this mouth is though can you fit it in your tongue out of your mouth do you mean lick it yeah you can use your tongue without it being in your mouth what a weird way to say that yeah i did it badly and weirdly okay you sure did um yeah the key here is hands yeah what's fun about blowjobs is like the moisture and the wetness and the texture and

like if you can even get some of your mouth around that dick good news is the sensitive part is the top right yes so if you if it's like a length of like a matter of length although it does say thickness right thick damn i'm hoping you can get it in there at all but if not you could just like sup upon the top and then just get your hands all nice and slimy with saliva and just go for it. Slimy is not the word I want. You know what I mean? Hey. Sloppy.

Put your tongue outside of your mouth. Yeah, okay. One of the nicest sensations is that feeling of like two hands on your dick. Because one, it's like a huge ego boost. Love it. And it also feels really good. Might I suggest using your hands in different directions? Also, just sloppy it up real hard.

You don't want to ever. Yeah. You don't want to lose that. Like it can go very quickly from heaven to hell if it stops being adequately lubricated. So just make sure that's going. You're going to make a mess on this bad boy. And that's fine.

I highly doubt this dude with his giant soup can thick dick is going to be upset with a sloppy blowjob. No, but I will say I was reading the comments of this question. Someone did say that was dislocated their jaw trying to give a blowjob to a dick that was a little too big. So please be careful. Yeah, don't do that. If you feel any pain or discomfort, stop. I understand you probably want to please your partner, but not at the detriment to your safety or pleasure. For sure.

And like if you simply cannot do a thing, you simply cannot do that thing. So if you're doing your best and he's like, not put in your mouth and you can't just be like, I can't. And one, that's a good ego boost once more. And two, if they're shitty and pushy, then, you know, you don't you don't like this guy does not deserve the gift of your mouth and hands. Yeah. So that's going to be an easy get the fuck out of there but like as dane said do not push yourself because no one's gonna be like oh it was really hot she dislocated her jaw and it really hurt and sucked for her and then we went to the hospital or she just left sadly yeah exactly not good i would feel very very bad and honestly pretty insecure

if my dick unhinged someone's jaw like i know there could there's probably a lot of assholes who are like i did it but for me i would i would be so concerned the next time i had an oral sex experience of being like i really don't want to hurt you i'd be like you can just get near it you can't even touch it just pretend maybe actually blow on it just maybe hey if you could just do me a favor, if you could just put your tongue outside your mouth. See, I nailed it this whole time. So yeah, be careful. Use your hands.

Get sloppy. Don't hurt yourself. Be communicative. And like, don't turn, if you can't do it, turn it into a compliment. Be like, damn, your dick is just so thick. No one's gonna be mad at that. Yeah.

I'd take your tongue outside your mouth. Girlfriend, this is by Dunsim. Girlfriend does not want to remove her dating apps as she wants the chat history to look back on. What to do? I've been dating a girl, female 33, myself male 30, for three months. At New Year's, I asked her to be my girlfriend

and she said yes. The other day, I'm going to delete all my dating apps. She said she was not going to delete them because she wants to keep those chats and have a log of the conversations slash pickup lines etc as she wants to write about she said they're all paused now but she has no desire to remove the apps not the kind of guy who wants to control her and tell her what to do but i see this as a major red flag keeping conversations and the window open to dating world just seems suspect she doesn't see it that way i told her i feel disrespected and that she wants to keep them and i'm unsure how i feel

kind of need an answer soon if i want to continue seeing her just call it quits please give me some advice thanks um i think the answer to this question is what the hell she means by i want to write about them right like she if she's a journalist who writes on dating culture or if she's a you know an author who writes on this or a doctor or studying dating in any sort of psychology. Like, yeah, I would also want to keep my firsthand experiences on a record of, you know, my time in the dating world. If that is something that I plan to pursue, like professionally. For real. It's like we, you know, I go through dating and fucking sex advice reddits all the time

purely for this podcast you know what i mean we have looked at dating profiles and shit and like dane had tinder and shit and it's like you know like we're doing all these things that's like we're doing it for this podcast so it makes sense that other people might have things like that they're doing for their project and given it would be very likely that i would have a partner that wouldn't be comfortable with these things, but I would have a very valid reason. And luckily my partner's great. So I get where she's coming from. If there's any kind of reason, which I imagine there is because he said that she wants to write about them. So it's like, sure. Do you really think that's bullshit lie? Yeah. I mean, really it comes down to that. Once again, you either trust your partner or you don't. So if you if she says that you're like, you've never written anything and you know she hasn't, then, yeah, sure.

Be suspicious. And if that's enough for you to be like, sorry, I'm like, this is giving me the ick. This is giving me like red flags here. Sure. Like, I understand if, you know, if I was dating someone monogamously and they were like, no,'t want to date my or delete my dating apps i you know sure i would that would throw a flag on the play for a second and i would try to figure out why yeah but i imagine it's pretty easy to figure out if she has any kind of legitimate reason for wanting them as in like what she writes about like we just mentioned so i can't imagine you're unaware of this but you don't seem to go into it

and also it's like oh oh, having that window open. It's like if someone wants to fucking download a dating app in secret, they could do it. It's not like if she doesn't leave it now, that's her only chance. Like she could be like, yeah, delete it in front of you. Just go download it at home. Yep. So it's like if you really don't trust someone that much, this isn't going to be the fucking thing that makes them faithful. Yeah, exactly.

If if just, you know, the convenience of an app like they can still meet people. Yeah. Or again, just re-download it later. Yeah. So I think you got to work on your trust and like insecurity issues here, because like unless the wildest thing is happening and it's this big lie where she's like, oh, no, I'm writing a blog. Wink.

I imagine that she is. She does have a legitimate reason to do this. And again, I imagine you also have an idea of that. So maybe ease off that break. Yeah. And if you need clarification, just be like, hey, what are you writing that you need? Like and not as a prove it, but as a genuine interest in your partner's activities. Because like if someone said that to me, I would be like, what do you mean?

What do you do? What are you writing? Because it's it's interesting. It's something your partner's activities? Because like, if someone said that to me, I would be like, what do you mean? What are you doing? What are you writing? Because it's, it's interesting. It's something your partner's doing. This is from Jatuga. I,

a female 27, recently discovered that my male 26 boyfriend isn't a cuckolding. How can I satisfy his fetish without involving a third person? I've been with my boyfriend for eight years now

and for quite some time, my boyfriend has been telling me fantasies that he has about me fucking other dudes or girls. I thought it was some kind of voyeurism, but I recently found out it's a fetish with a name and all. LOL. I'm not mad or anything like that. It's certainly something that's somewhat shocking and surprising, but I personally have my own fetishes that he has been accepting and satisfying, and I would like to do the same to get him off or to feed into his fantasies without actually doing anything in real life involving a

third party because right now I don't have an interest in doing that with another person. I'm not really creative and I've tried to get him off but I don't get that many ideas during sex. I'm mainly staying quiet but I want to start giving him motivation per se and when it's about me being with another person he really gets turned on so i would really appreciate to read your suggestions on how i could satisfy him and not kink shame him in the process and also your experiences with people with this kink and how is going with you uh okay well firstly i know i probably don't need to say it but only do this if you want to but it sounds like you want to so great step one out of the way two you don't want to do it with an actual person. Cool. Have you heard a role play? I think it would be very easy and probably

very hot for this guy if you came home and told him about you being out and fucking someone. Yeah. And like, go home and be like, hey, sorry, I'm late. I slept with Dave. Cool sunglasses, friend. And delve into that. You know, have a story. Maybe write it yourself if you're not good at making things up on the fly because it's not sexy to be like, oh, and then we and I'm sure you could find either examples of this or, you know, written stories that encompass this thing and take inspiration from those and come home and depending on how he wants to have it done if you want to like be doing something sexy while you're you know like go down on him and tell him what happened or shun him and tell him what happened i don't know what his level of like cuckolding is i think that's a very easy step one where you don't have to do anything other than

be a little bit creative and he gets that kind of like jealous kick. To further that idea, you next time you're out with your girlfriends, just be just don't tell him you're going out with your girlfriends. You know, be like, oh, met a guy on the, you know, after work, grabbing a drink with them, send, you know, like things like that. And if you're feeling particularly spicy, send a pic, like next time you go to the bathroom when you're out take a picture in the in the bathroom be like just got fucked by a stranger

in this bathroom you know like things like that if you really want to get spicy and the the soap lends itself put a big glob of white hand soap in your hand and pretend it's calm like there's there's a tons of things that you can do without actually having to do it it's not necessarily the the act of watching you get fucked by someone but if you can build a world or you know the make-believe bubble around as now i was talking about around the idea that you had just been fucked yeah or you are pursuing someone to be fucked or you're ignoring your boyfriend because you are trying to be fucked by someone else. Like those are all parts of it that you can do very easily. Like just as something as simple of a text of being like, if he's like, you know, when are you coming home? Just be like, I don't know. I met someone tonight. Cool. Make sure you discuss this with

your partner. I was going to say that these are all things you should definitely talk about, you know, because if it's like, oh, I brought this up once and now you fucking cheated on me. Like, whoa, like. Yes, there's definitely needs to be a like a code phrase or something. Even if just like, you know, he's like he hasn't heard from you in a couple hours. He's just checking in. actually like a genuine concern maybe have like a a special phrase that is specifically like out of character of being like oh when i ask you know if i say just checking in then you know that i'm or like just say something that's completely like you know it could never be true like you know fuck buddies podcast isn't incredible and he's well, wait. Oh, it must be lies. Right.

But, you know, I think it's a lot of fun. I've done a little bit of extra research. There is lube that is made to look like semen. Okay. Depending on how interested he is in indulging in that, you can use that lube to feel like to get the sensation or the visceral act of having sex with you after you have just been fucked. True. Or you can use that, you know, you can put

it all over yourself, on your face, on your hands, on your tits, whatever. So if you know he's coming home soon, you could be like, oh, you know, you should have got here sooner. You know, you just missed whoever dave the cool sunglasses for dave the cool sunglasses get me put a pair of sunglasses on the on the thing you know and like simple things like talking about your definitely talk about

the primaries definitely talk about boundaries but like simple things like making it an obvious condom wrapper on the top of the garbage right so like in your bedroom there's a condom and a and a wrapper and the it's just like you know he looks down he's like oh fuck you know we didn't we didn't have sex yesterday so why is there kind of like you have to figure out what the comfort level is and how subtle you guys want to be with it and also what exactly he wants to get out of it because i'm sure one guy's fantasies aren't the next you know what i mean like for him it could be like i don't know maybe if you're sneaking around that's hot for him or maybe if you're being brazen about it that's hot for him

so it's all about like finding out what's the hottest for him and testing and establishing boundaries i don't think you should try any of these without talking about the first because absolutely not that's just the rules for indulging in kinks you gotta talk you gotta set boundaries you gotta communicate as for things um that if he's into cuckolding in terms of degradation you can always talk during sex just talk about how he's not as good as someone you've recently fucked or you know whatever but i like i think that is that's merging two kinks degradation play and cuckolding doesn't necessarily have to live in the same

they're kind of like under the same umbrella but don't necessarily aren't in the same room which is why it's important to establish boundaries first because if he isn't into that he's gonna have a bad time if you haven't pre-established that right yeah so don't just throw shit at the wall and see what sticks yeah some

things you could do in bed while you're say like if he's doing something really good if you want to like give him a compliment but play it to his kink be like oh that feels really good i'm gonna have to tell whoever to do it the next time i see him you know i mean so it's like that's a that's an ego boost at the same time as a cuckold you know shoe, shoe in. So, you know, I think there's a lot that you can do without ever having to touch or see another person. 100%. You basically got to write a bunch of fanfic now and cosplay. Yeah. But I think that'll really go towards seeding that urge.

And maybe if you find a fun and he finds a fun, maybe you can take another step later on. Or maybe not, because maybe this will either scratch that itch or you'll find out you don't love it as much or he doesn't love it as much but it seems like a really like low risk way to start and enjoy while also probably reaping pretty high rewards because as dane said it's the actions and emotions and excitement surrounding it not necessarily the thing itself yeah And you can simulate that in a bunch of different ways. What's the, what's the come loop called? I don't know,

but it's sold by bad dragon. Yeah. Fucking bad dragon. When are they going to sponsor us? Huh? Soon. Soon. This is by the rye three made love.

Instead of hooking up me, 28 year old male met someone from hingeinge, 31-year-old female, and instead of fucking once or twice like I normally do, we ended up making love like six times in one night. I went home, said thanks for the good time, to which she agreed she had a good time too. We haven't discussed anything else, and it's back business as usual. I mean, I love how cool and casual she's being about it

because I'm emotionally unavailable, but I'm low-key thinking, what are we? I don't think I've ever made love like that before, even with a long-term partner. I need so many clarifications on what, like, do you just mean like you didn't fucking jackhammer her? Like, what's the difference between hooking up and making love for you? So I'm going through the comments and he says, I see, I'm just being a pussy in my feelings. I guess because it's not my

norm for me it's basically rough sex sleep home but it felt like what we were trying to do was make babies okay so i'm not going to answer any of this question because i think the problem is you yeah it's you you're the problem it's you yeah You did bad and weird and you did it badly. Weirdly. Yeah. Like we've talked before. You're not something unless you specify you're something. So the what are we?

It's not like, oh, shit. I accidentally didn't fuck them hard enough. And now we're dating. Yeah, because it seems to imply like the problem I have with this question, again, isn't anything to do with this question. I don't care about what you, what you're currently going through.

You emotionally unavailable, you know, jackhammer. Now I'm in my feelings and being a pussy, like fuck all that shit. The problem that concerns me and what really upsets me here is that you, you seem to like every other woman has been disregarded or discarded after you've used them to your ends. Right?

Like that's the vibe I'm getting here. Oh, for sure. It's like, oh, you weren't a sex toy to me. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Oh, I've treated you kind of like another person, like a human being. It's like it's so gross. Yeah. And I hate it. And I think

there's a lot of things you need to do to get your shit together. One, uh, realize that you're not hooking up. You're not making love. You're having sex, right? That's, that's it. And whatever qualifications you're putting on, those things are indicative of one, how you feel about yourself and two, how you feel about your partner. So making a, being like, oh, that was a hookup. Okay. That, that shows what you think about your relationship with that person, as opposed to being like, oh, I made love with that person. It doesn't necessarily like you can love someone dearly.

You can make love to someone and still toss them around and smack their ass and choke them. Like that is still possible while making love for sure. I just like a hundred percent. Like the, the societal structure of your, your imagined worth of these women. You're having sex.

A hundred percent. Yeah. And like weird, like assigning worth and values to physical actions as well. It's like, just because you have rough sex with someone doesn't make them worthless it doesn't make the act worthless and just because you had less rough sex doesn't mean all of a sudden you're in love or they're some kind of like saint like you need to back the

fuck off sex is sex you can have intimate sex you can have very like rough sex you have kinky sex you could have slow sex you could have fast sex you could have a like rough sex you have kinky sex you could have slow sex you could have fast sex you could have a quickie you could be half clothed half not clothed fucking public the list goes on but hold on none of those things make you better or worse as a person or as a partner or as a relationship and the fact that you don't understand that and that you're like making all these weird like assumptions and correlations with the different sex you're having makes me feel like you're having bad sex generally and you're a fucking weirdo. I just want to rewind a little bit. Can you explain the difference between half clothed and half not clothed sex?

You know. One is when you take your tongue out of your mouth. Everyone knows that the mouth is the close of the tongue it's true you unzip it and then you come out of it that's why that's why people always tell you to zip it to be quiet exactly clothe your tongue yeah we always tell people to close their mouths but like we've just it's over the period of time we've butchered the word it was clothe yeah it's closed c-l-o-t-h-e-s like close your mouth yeah it's yes what niall just said you know stop assigning worth based on how you want to use them. Yeah. Cause that's a really shitty way to one,

live your life and two to treat people. Yep. And also how the fuck, like, yeah, it seems like you're blown out of the water because you fucked differently for once. And it's like,

that's sad. Why are you not like, fuck the way you want to fuck and differently, like explore things. I'm fine. I just, I don't know. It's,

it's so sad it paints this sad fuck picture for me yeah like i can't i i'm pretty confident that like the people that i sleep with i sleep with them all quite differently like it's all a very different flavor there might be similar aspects because i i have preferences on things but i can't think of anyone that like i could sort of swap out a partner and have a rewarding experience if i was just like this is the way i fuck this person and now i'm gonna use that same technique on you like that one it doesn't sound fun and even if it was it's like i wouldn't fuck them the same way all the time either yeah like like what's the point of having multiple partners if you're going to do the same thing every time?

But also, what's the point in doing the same thing every time, even if you just have one partner? For sure. Like, not to say, oh, I know what you like. I'm not going to do it now because I got to shake things up. Lol. You could do the same good thing multiple different ways like this guy just you need to fix your shit and also realize that having a different kind of sex doesn't mean you're now dating and also start maybe valuing women yeah and yourself because like and yourself definitely

coming from a place of insecurity for sure oh yeah at the end of the show we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as tinder bumbleinge in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable by looking through the profiles, finding red flags, seeing what works and what doesn't work. This is Ali. If you're happy to talk about shit as an actual shit, I'm your woman. Is there a poop emoji in there? There isn't. There's a poop emoji in there there isn't there's a leaf emoji hmm see i would love to know like are they like you know like hey get your shit out of here as in stuff and they're like if you want to talk about stuff like actually talk about stuff or are they like if you want to talk about poop and i mean literal poop i mean i'm taking her at face value i think she's saying actual poop like actual poop she wants to talk about it

it's fair and i want to know why and i want to yeah let's go let's do it let's get in the muck as it were interesting i would have thought you would go slightly less enthusiastically i did once meet a girl at a new year's party uh who deep dove into the like poop assignment chart that she uses at the work at her workplace which was like in health care and that was kind of charming so i'll give it a seven i'm giving it a i'm giving it seven as well because i just like i just want to know uh this is blank and uh that's probably for the best about me if your body count is more than zero i'm sorry aiming for functional relationships so i must know your father I shall die in my 30s.

Edmonton. Home-based. Wholesome. Family-friendly. Loves drawing. Copywriting. Storytelling. Aspiring Catholic.

Traditional. Unvaxxed. Homophobic. No Nut November 2022 veteran. Highest score, 106 days. Let's go. Wow. I mean, like, the second you say Edmonton, I can pretty much fill out the rest of the profile.

Yikes. I mean, like the second you say Edmonton, I can pretty much fill out the rest of the profile. It is wild to me that someone's like, I'm homophobic instead of just being homophobic. You know what I mean? Yeah. Wearing that as a badge of honor. Also being like, I didn't have sex for 106 days. Yeah. Aspiring Catholic. What does that mean?

What does that mean? Also like wholesome. You're not. You're a piece of shit. You just proved that. What are you talking about? Did you say copywriting was one of his interests? Yeah.

He loves it. I love copywriting. Can't get enough of this corporate mumbo jumbo. So I must know your father. What does that mean? It's so bad. Is he going to fuck your dad? Well, yeah, because he can't fuck you, because if your body counts over zero, you counts over zero you want it yeah this is just so bad in so many ways yeah minus five minus five this is

flavia 32 not too ugly to embarrass you not too pretty to give you trouble is that it is it it's funny but it's a little self-depreciating i really don't know how i feel about this so i am giving it a five because it's right on the cut. Like it's either very, very funny or really, really sad. I'm going to give it a six because it's on the funnier side, but I am worried too. So yeah, it's not enough. It's like, cool, you made a funny joke. But one, this is gray area funny.

And two, I still know nothing about you. So yeah, six. Yeah, because you're describing how you look and I can make those choices for myself. Yep. And we likely don't have the same opinions. This one also has no name. I will reply in less than 24 hours and I hate this endless swiping. I ultimately desire a lifelong doomsday buddy, which means I am not interested in chatting with most of you inept self-absorbed bitches. Sorry, not sorry. I value health, fitness, minimalism, minimalism work respect effective communication emotional stability sustainability honesty responsibility survival skills and independence probably too uninteresting reserved dependent honest and abrasive for you i don't know if saying you're

dependent when you're also saying that you're like a survival doomsday man is like what do you what's the picture you're trying to paint for me because i'm confused did i say dependent i meant independent oh okay i heard dependent and i was like maybe i'm sorry someone someone came in my front door and i got distracted i hope it's your partner it is but they were trying to be sneaky which like obviously was kind for the recording but like was like wigging me i'm like who's trying to sneak you know you know what i mean yeah uh this person sucks yeah no this is bad and it's sad because i kind of want like i've been watching a little less of us i kind of want like a cute doomsday buddy romance thing yeah and i don't want this

shithead there could definitely be love at the end of the world which i think also like probably too abrasive for you like yeah dude like yeah you did call me a bitch almost immediately 100 i do like i value survival skills because i really want to just see the first few masters be like hey how are you doing you doing? Oh, not too bad. So what survival skills, you know, can you fucking forage? Can you weld? Hey, can you sew? If I have a grievous wound, do you know how to sew me up again? Yo, you got silk?

You got some fucking medical grade silk, bro? Yeah, I'm going to give this a zero. I was going to give it a one because it wasn't as bad as the other guy, but still pretty bad. It's still not worth anyone's time. That's going to give it a one because it wasn't as bad as the other guy, but it's still pretty bad. It's still not worth anyone's time. That's going to do it, friends. Thank you very much for listening. It has been an absolute pleasure, as it always was, is, was, always was, always was.

If you came out to our show last week, thank you very much. We appreciate you. We love you. If you missed it, like we said at the very beginning of the show, next month could be your last chance to come see us live for a little bit at least. So please consider checking us out. April 20th, Toronto, Black Sheep Cocktail Bar. We will be there. It's at 730.

The show is free. But you do want to make a reservation because we do fill up pretty quickly. This is the second show we've done and we've already, the tables are full. We have sold out two months in a row, like two weeks in advance, which is, that doesn't happen these days. People make last minute decisions.

So one, you're all fucking heroes. And two, book early. If you want to support us in a different way, head over to Patreon, patreon.com forward slash F buddies. And you can join up,

you can get some extra episodes. You can do a whole bunch of things on there and we really appreciate it and it helps keep us from sliding into poverty uh and thank you josh eagle in the harvard cities for their song paper stars ready for some bad sex writing e this is by commander jonte and this is a post on twitter that is public that people could see that he posted of his own accord, presumably. Yeah, I saw this. I'm excited. Did you see this? I did see this. And you just knew I was going to bring it.

I didn't think it, no. But please go. I'm ready for the vomit in my mouth. Wait, where'd you see it? On Twitter. Okay. Here's the thing with girls 22 or under. They smell massively different to a girl of 28. Girls 16 to, say, 23 have this creamy, buttery, slightly sweet smell that is unbelievably magnetic. Hey, dude, I don't know if you said that, but you just acknowledge you know what a 16-year-old smells like. And that you really like it. Yeah.

And, look, I understand you could say, like, well, I was 16 at one point in time. I've been with... But, like... We know that's say like, well, I was 16 at one point in time. I've been with, but like. We know that's not what you mean, Mr. Jaunty. And even if it is. Judging by your post, I don't think you met a girl until maybe never. Yeah. This is, this is the equivalent of Steve Carell and 40 year old virgin being trying to describe what boobs are. You did a bad job and you did it badly and weirdly.

I can't imagine how bad of a job you did. Stop. My name's Dave Miller. Back in your fucking cave. My name's not Spain. Pretend you're a tongue. Get back in the mouth. Clothe yourself.

We've been your fuck buddies.