F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 234 - We’re All Big Idiots

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

We're all doing our best out here, but at the end of the day we're all just big idiots doing a bad job.  Topics include moving in with your partner makes you a pussy, risky and frisky in the classroom, revenge is the only answer, solving the foreplay puzzle, closure in confusion.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions online, we answer them for you here, or on our Patreon secret episodes, or in person at our live shows, award winningly, on the topic of sex and dating. That's right. We have another live show coming up. And as we mentioned before, this could be our last live show in a while. We signed on to do three. We haven't discussed doing any more, but you know, it could happen. But if you don't want to miss the opportunity to come out and check us out

live next month, or I guess this month when this comes out, I believe April 20th, that's 420. Blaze it. F-Buds. F-Buds. 420. We will be doing a live show at Black Sheep.

As usual, it is in Toronto. It is a cocktail bar in Liberty Village. The show is free. All you have to do, I mean, you don't even have to make a reservation, but it's highly required or highly requested or highly. What's the word? Recommended is the term recommended struggling to find.

It was one of those are rare words. Yeah. We, we tend to sell out about at least a week ahead of the show. And by sellout, I mean book out because it is, as we said, free.

So if you want to come, it's the safest way to do it. If you do arrive and there's no tables, you're allowed to stand. We'll let that happen. We'll make sure you are treated right. I'm also pretty sure you can't reserve bar seating, which is always available as well. So if you can't book a table,

there is a chance you might be able to sneak in and sit at the bar as well. You always show up but we do recommend and request and whatever those other words dane said that you do book a table because we must see your beautiful faces and i'm not gonna lie these live shows have been awesome and not just because like it's been really fun for me and dane to to you know shake it up but like the coolest fucking people have come we've had a very very good audience the power of just being in a room with that many awesome people is like you can feel it and like it's great i fucking love it also please join our patreon because it helps us do things it helps us keep going helps us maintain everything and we love you so i know yeah you

you've been thinking about doing that you've been thinking about supporting us and now is the time let's get into the show. You ready? My cat. Yeah, my cat is attached to me right now. Hold on. Okay, we're good. This is by OceanBlue20.

Boyfriend, male 32, said to me, female 26, guys who live with their girlfriends are pussies and they would rather not live with them. My boyfriend, male 32, told me, female 26, if you asked most guys, they'd say they would rather not live with their girlfriend. Context. We've been together over two years with a small break in the middle. We both live in our own separate units slash apartments, 10 minute drive from each other. He loves his own space and needs at least one night per week sitting in his house alone, as well as there being two nights a week he does football.

Meaning he is there. Meaning there's at least three nights where we are at our own houses alone. When we discuss moving in, he implies not for a long time. I'm the opposite and I love company. When brought up, he said, if you ask most guys, they'd rather not live with their girlfriends and their pussies that they do. I feel like this is just his opinion, not most guys'. Would love to hear if this is the case from guys' opinions. Surely guys would love it as they get looked after, etc. Or examples, help with the dinner, food shopping, washing, cleaning, etc. As well as company too, but just added help too.

Edit. This is within an argument context after he firstly says he's not cleaning, etc. As well as company too, but just added help too. Edit. This is within an argument context after he firstly says he's not ready, etc. I guess more normally, but then I kept talking about it and this line was dropped at the end. We've spent the last three weeks together without a break over the holidays and he wanted a night off. I didn't really respect that. Also, he clearly doesn't know how to communicate.

This is tough because there is a number of things, like I'm not like I don't hate the idea of not living with a partner because i am also someone who appreciates you know my own space and my own privacy and being able to pick and choose when i share my space and time with people do i think people who want to live with their partners are pussies no i think that's a wild sort of one of these bullshit like sigma male things yeah i i just i just think it's bad i think it's a bad take and like again i'm kind of in his camp of you know i'm i'm never in a rush to move into with

a partner yeah um there's a lot happening here like firstly oh guys who live with their girlfriends are pussies and they secretly don't want to. It's a wild statement. It's verifiably untrue. And also, it's just super toxic. And it's like, do you really want to date someone who thinks that they're a pussy if they ever live with you? But on the other side of things, it's like you don't seem to understand where he's coming from with regards to him wanting his own space. Because the way you talk about it, it seems very like, oh, he wants a night, like at least every blah, blah.

Like you seem kind of bitter about it. And you do specifically state that you didn't respect that after spending three weeks together without a break. And that might well have played into why he, as you said at the end of this argument after you kept pressing the issue why he made a throwaway bullshit toxic comment not that i'm forgiving it but there is more at play here yeah i think it's too there's like a two-fold problem there's one there's this guy's idea of what like masculinity is and the fact that like moving in with a partner and i guess like being vulnerable enough to do so or trusting enough to do so or wanting to spend time sort of unadulterated with a partner makes you less of a man or makes you a pussy that's bad i don't even

really know what that's rooted in like it's not even like a traditional sort of like alpha male response like a lot of dudes in that camp think that like my woman should be like in my kingdom and she should be you know here doing all the things like you know that typically is the so i don't really know where that living with a partner makes you a pussy he's coming from is he's he's taking a stand against standard toxic masculinity you go king yeah he's he's branching out and brewing a new form of toxic masculinity hey bf male 32 you drop this and i'm giving him back his crown he's the positive king we need right now no obviously that is lies because he sucks in this way i think many things here right

if you're not ready to move in together you're not ready to move in together doesn't matter if you're ready we say it before we say it again If it's not fuck yes, it's a no. And moving in is definitely one of those things. I guess it's a big commitment. Two years isn't that long. You guys live pretty near each other and you don't seem to be able to understand his need for, you know, solitary time. Those are all things that need to be addressed.

He also needs to learn how to communicate and also maybe deal with some toxic views. But the very fact that you're having this issue is clear evidence. You shouldn't live together. Well, other than his bullshit, like, you're a pussy views. I don't really know where the, he doesn't know how to communicate because him saying very clearly, oh, hey, I need a day every week to sort of recharge and have my own space. And also being like, hey, we just spent three weeks together. I would like a night off.

That is how you communicate. No, I agree with that. I think this, in this case, it's like him exploding and being like, men who live with their women are pussies, which I'm assuming is just like him getting annoyed about the topic and like lashing out. Or unless it is literally a view he has, which is a glaring red flag. Yeah, like that's what it comes down to.

One, like Niall mentioned it earlier, I wouldn't necessarily want to move in or be with a partner whose fundamental view is a pretty common step in moving a relationship forward, which is living together, is for idiots. It's a stupid thing to do and I never want to do it. I don't know if I'd want to be with a partner that never wanted to move in with me or more specifically would think that they are less of a person because they have done it you know i mean like yeah i would always think be like if we did move in together i would be like are you good or do you resent every second that we are in this

apartment together regardless of like whether we're hanging out or like doing anything but like do you just wake up every day and you're like oh this bitch is still here yeah i don't know there's a lot here i also of of concern is weird that like she seems to be like oh i'll like the help it's it's that's why you would want someone there for the help and it's like sure it's would want someone there for the help. And it's like, sure, it's cool to, I guess, split chores and shit. But like, it worries me that she's almost reducing her role to this like very stereotypical like dinner, cleaning, washing. I'm just worried that like that. That's not it. That's not why you're moving in together.

Yeah. Like I said, there's there's it's very lovely to be able to split the, you to split the effort of maintaining a home with another person. But that's sort of like the perk of moving in with someone is also like splitting rent. I have a one bedroom and now I'm paying half of what I was before. That's great. But that shouldn't be the reason why I've moved in with a partner or have invited a partner to move in with me. Yeah. What I would say in this situation is one, when he's not like inflamed, have a chat about what he said.

Because if you want this relationship to continue and he thinks that this is like him casting aside his masculinity or being a coward, if you guys ever move in together, it probably won't work out. If you can't take this next step or if you do, and it's going to be the worst, it's probably not going to go well. If he did just explode and wants to apologize, backtrack, talk it out. Great.

Again, great in that you can move forward. Not great. And that happened in the first place. But I also think you really need to think about how his needs are or aren't being met with regards to solitary time because i get it i really fucking get it and it's like solitary time is either something we had far too much of or far too little of since covet happened and it's like you need it you need to recharge those

fucking batteries so i do not begrudge this man his need for some alone time let him have his alone time and you should be able to have your alone time, whether that be with friends or by yourself, you're not going to have a strong relationship or a strong life if you need to be attached to the hip 24 seven. Yeah. I mean, there are like different levels of boundaries as well, like in a relationship. And like, I think absolutely being able to draw a line in the sand of being like, today is the day where I just want to like shut the engines off and you're welcome to go do your own thing or whatever. But like,

I'm going to play video games for eight hours. Yeah. And that's, that's what I need for my mental health right now. And you know, we could, we could talk about the idea of like being, if,

if they never want to spend time with you, if they go too far, the other direction, that's an issue. Then also an issue. But I mean, like I do with you every now and then where i'm just like you know after our weekend of live show and then say paddy's and then you know two days of comic-con

uh and then i was you know balls deep and getting all the all the time i missed that weekend to get the episode of no quest ready i think it was like the wednesday where i was just like i don't want to talk about podcasts i just need a i need a hard break from podcasts because it is all i've done for the past you know almost seven days we do a lot here over at no fuck quest buddy industries um which is why you should join our patreon but yeah it's you know i i get it so like it it strikes a chord with me that like this man's needs are not being met. And it's frustrating because I don't want to ignore the fact that what he said is a book wild shitty thing. But you should be able to respect your partner's need for a little bit of just alone time. That's not abnormal.

That's very healthy. I advocate everyone find the ability to be alone for a little bit. It's so important. I feel like everyone who like it's those people who like have those revolving doors of relationships, like who never take a second to just kind of chill where it's like, Oh, you know, they, they were in a relationship and then they broke up. And then like two days later, they're dating someone new. And you're just like, there's no way this is going to go well. There's no way you're going to be happy or

satisfied, or this will be healthy or not toxic. Everyone just take a deep breath, find a day this week and just be by yourself. You know, like either make a really tasty dinner or order some comfort food, put on your favorite movie, play your favorite video game. Like just turn the engines down. And I promise you, no matter how busy you are, you can find an evening or an afternoon to do that. And I promise you, you,

your, your week will be changed. Yeah, this is, I don't, it's important to ask this question right now, but I don't like saying any of the words in it. Okay.

Um, so this is, uh, Mara, Sophie X there. She's 16 and he's 17. My boyfriend wants me to stroke his penis during school. This is my first

post since my friends seemed unhelpful on the matter. My boyfriend and I are dating for two months. I recently mentioned that I wanted to try something risky. His response was I should jerk him off in class. Whilst the thought of it is kind of hot, I don't want to risk getting thrown out of school. My female friends are saying I should leave him off in class. Whilst the thought of it is kind of hot, I don't want to risk getting thrown out of school. My female friends are saying

I should leave him for the suggestion or I should do it. We sit next to each other, so it's possible. Has anyone ever done something like this? What alternative could I suggest to him? Thank you. Yeah, it's not a good call. No, it's not.

When I first read the question, when I first found the question, I was like, in my mind, I was like, what an asshole. What a dirtbag. But then I thought about it and I was like, you did posit the idea of being like, let's try something risky. Yeah. And like, you're also a dumb, horny kid.

When I was hooking up with people in school, would I have wanted that? Fully. Because I'm not thinking about the consequences. I'm thinking like, this is fun and hot. Is it a good thing to suggest no but at the same time it's like suggesting it is one thing impressing it and like being being shitty about it is a very different thing so like if he brings it up and you're like you know what that's honestly wait that's too far too risque and he's like ah you're right great you guys had a healthy

conversation yeah it really depends on his reaction i think there was a lot of people knee-jerking to like mirroring what they were saying like her friends were saying being like you should leave them but i was like well she opened that door he threw something through that door you can throw it right back like that's that's the nice thing about communication is it's not like i ask question you give answer and then like we fight or i do it it's like no now you fine-tune and maybe it's something as simple as instead of jerking them off in class you talk you know you whisper to them that you would like to be jerking them off in class or you know i don't know you guys find a secret place we used to have like a fucking photo room in uh oh man in our

school and boy yeah audience naughtiness ensued or there were various spots and it's like see the thing is i don't think there's anything offensive in the suggestion right because someone's risque isn't somebody else's right and it's like him just saying that isn't like oh how fucking dare you even think about it is a great idea if you were into it maybe i don't think in out of context or in context it is good just purely for the risk factor and like it's kind of a shitty thing to do the people around you aren't consenting and might bear witness to this you know what i mean that's a great point but like just bringing it up whatever it's you're floating an idea you say no you guys re-establish something else it's

not again the problem here comes in if he presses you or if he tries to shame you or if he's being shitty and let's let's talk about the realities of the world as well the the fallout if you get caught is going to be much harsher on you than it is on him he's going to get a bunch of high fives because you got jerked off in class and you're going to get a reputation of being yeah the one who jerked him off in class right like that's that is unfortunately especially as teenagers like you'll get eaten alive and it's not worth the risk one you probably will get suspended or expelled or kicked out or whatever and it also depends on where you are like some places like if you're in a very religious part of america like

america's fucked so it's like i wouldn't be surprised they're like hey we don't even let people like read certain books you did this thing so now you're like expelled or it goes in your permanent record and then you don't get into universe you know it's it's not worth it right don't live in these like unrealistic porn fantasies it's not gonna work out whatever just counter with what you want to do that's risque and feel free to like start small and build yeah i mean there was like if this is something he's into maybe pause it like if you have like a finished basement or somewhere sort of like secluded where you guys hang out when you're at his house or he's at your house maybe like you know a blanket while you're watching tv and a light stroke while your

parents are in the other room like it's a far more controlled environment and a lot easier to hide. Yeah. Right? Like, it's a lot, it's a much safer environment. And like, if your parents catch you kind of getting a little frisky with your high school boyfriend, like... Yes, it's gonna suck and be embarrassing,

but you're not getting expelled and you're not getting shamed by everybody in your year. Again, hopefully not. Parents are fucked. But your parents also your principal. Damn. And your living room's also the classroom. the classroom shit well if you're homeschooled i just want to circle back and just say i'm so happy that you had the same dark room experience as i did growing up the so we used to it wasn't the dark room it was the room where you would transfer your film into the

like the thing that you would submerge and develop um so there was like a little room that was pitch black so you wouldn't expose your film and so we would go in there and you'd lock it from the inside so that people couldn't open it and ruin your film it was great and it was bad because one i was fucking terrible at getting the film onto the spool so we would like push you know, it's not a film onto the. So like I would, you know, we'd go in there and we'd make out and we'd get all handsy and stuff. But then I had two problems. One, come all over the film.

Well, I'd have to wait long enough to like not be hard. So I didn't walk out of this closet with a big old high school erection. And two, I still had to do the thing that I went in there to do. Yeah. So like go in there and be like in there for way too long. So everyone was immediately suspicious. What I did was I had people come in who I, I didn't want to get frisky with and they realized just how fucking bad I was

at the, the actual task. Yeah. To lend a little legitimacy of people so like people would come up be like no this guy's actually just a fucking idiot he just does shit yeah that's fair so yeah just fire back with something if you're uncomfortable doing it and in this state in this uh certain circumstance you probably should be uncomfortable doing it and hey learning when to push the envelope and when to not is also an important

thing of growing up in general. You know what I mean? So it's not too soon to learn like, hey, this might be fun or someone else wants to do this, but hey, there's a lot of chances that this goes very poorly. So maybe I shouldn't. And also if you're the one saying, hey, I want to do something risque, I assume you have an idea in mind so proffer that yeah start small work your way up it's like any sort of voyeurism is a kink and you know that that kind of thing like walk up to it you don't have to start with like fucking in public in front of a crowd like that's not you can like you can find a park at night that's what everyone back home did mainly because no one afforded apartments still but like break it he's like no one in no but i mean like you guys can actually rent

there's no like rental market in dublin really yeah like the majority of people i know still live at home and they're in their fucking 30s you know nerds well they don't have any other options so everyone's fucking in parks when you're a kid we always had that one cool kid whose parents were never home and had a really sick basement that was our that was our thing i don't think there's anything wrong in the suggestion itself and also fair play he he said what he thought was hot you said what you wanted to do it's like meet him in the middle don't kink shame and also do not feel like you have to do it yeah i like that's what it boils down to is this is a fun thing you've you've offered a an intro like an opened a door to be like hey i want to try something more risky

your boyfriend has offered a solution or a you know an option you can then sort of fine-tune it tweak it and figure it out um one now just raise the point you are not obligated to do anything so if you don't feel safe doing it, then don't do it. Two, if now also brought this up, if he begins pushing the issue, it's important to set a boundary and be like, hey, I've told you I don't feel comfortable doing that. And then maybe consider not pursuing this risky venture with this partner or even continue a relationship because you are young and it is very easy to get caught up in the moment it's very easy to let hormones take control of you so if you have these moments of lucidity of clarity uh embrace them and make good decisions based on those so if you find he's getting really pushy or isn't taking no for an answer or is getting really shitty or manipulative like if he starts you know trying to

convince you why'd you bring it up if you're not gonna do you know likeulative. Like if he starts, you know, trying to convince you, why'd you bring it up? If you're not going to do, you know, like shit like that. If he isn't like, okay, cool. I'm worse with you. You know, then you probably have problems. And you can also just be like, oh, well, I've changed my mind. I thought I wanted to do something risky.

And now that I think about it, I don't, the risks that I I'm willing to take aren't the ones that seem to satisfy what I'm looking for. So let's wait until there's a time when we can do it. That's fun for both of us. All right. You ready? This user has deleted themselves.

Damn. 28 year old female, 28 year old male. What if revenge is the only way I can get over my husband's previous infidelities? I know the title. I can't. Yeah. What if if what if that's the new this is actually the new disney show it's the sequel to what if but it's what if revenge is the only

i know the title sounds horrible but i guess i technically haven't cheated yet or i guess it mainly depends on what you consider cheating my husband came clean about previous infidelities and i've tried to get past them because they happened a long time ago. The most recent two years ago. For the most part, I do feel happy with him, but in the back of my mind, the infidelity is always there. For many years, I had my suspicions, but he would gaslight me, make me feel like I'm crazy. And so I chose to believe him. Well, about a month ago, a coworker started dropping by my office pretty frequently with silly excuses. And it wasn't until maybe the fifth visit, I realized he was flirting flirting with me he asked for my number and we've been texting it's pretty much always flirty but just started getting sexual and i won't lie i'm really into him so i think i might

just go through with it i know it's horrible but i feel like it might be the only way to get over the infidelity or get some real clarity or i might just ruin my life idk these things like this is what upsets me about the majority of modern relationships where people know the answer to their problem. But instead of pursuing the solution, throw in all of these like bullshit, like reasons as to like the solution that I'm talking about is you are not happy with your husband. He did something that hurt you and you can't get over that and you don't trust your partner anymore yeah it doesn't matter how you like what you do like i'm happy with him for the most part is the rose-tinted glasses that you look back on the relationship prior to learning that he was what's the word unfaithful yeah but even like for the most part means you're unhappy with them yeah like like i

get it not every relationship is perfect not you're not gonna be 100 happy with your partner 100 of the time but with something as glaring as this where you are literally being like should i do the thing that has absolutely ruined my relationship should i also do that it's like no you shouldn't what you should do is end the relationship with your husband you're not happy he did something that hurt you he did something shitty to you and he treated you poorly he gaslit you all this time as well so leave him and then pursue the relationship with a clear conscience yeah when they can actually be good and fun and not just you sinking to his shitty level and also putting yourself in more misery and possibly danger.

You know what I mean? Like just because you reacted a certain way to being cheated on doesn't mean they will. And also it's not going to fix anything at all. It's going to make everything shittier. So you, you have two options. Dane gave one,

which may well be the best one, which is breakup because you're miserable. The second one is therapy. If you do want to stay because it doesn't seem to say that you've tried that and i don't really think there is another option this is a shit one this is a shit idea and it's gonna suck for you for your husband who yeah maybe he's a bad person but it's still gonna suck for them and for you and for everybody and this co-worker it's just bad so do not do this you know, you literally put the end or it might just ruin my life. Like, you know, this is bad.

So listen to yourself. It's like those classic situations where you're talking to a friend and they like, they're like, Oh, I think I'm going to go hook up with my ex. Or like, Oh, I think I'm going to text this guy who like used to beat me or cheat on me or whatever. And you're like, don't do it. And you're like, ha ha. Okay. I won't. And like, you know, you know they will and it's just like it's so frustrating just being like you the only reason you brought this up was in the house that i would like give you carte blanche to do it like hey you should and that's like cool i don't know why he said so it's okay it's like when you know you don't do your homework in school and you're like fuck i didn't do the math homework and someone's like ah don't worry i didn't do it either and for school and you're like, fuck, I didn't do the math homework. And someone's like, ah, don't worry.

I didn't do it either. And for whatever reason, you're like, oh, okay, we're good. It's like, no, you're still getting in trouble. It's just you're both getting in trouble. Yeah. Yeah. So don't do this. If you honestly like this coworker and you genuinely don't like your husband, break up.

It's going to be better for everybody. If you really want to try to fix things, this isn't the way to do it. Go get therapy or couples counseling. That's the thing. It's like, if you want to pursue the relationship with your husband, this is not going to fix it. No.

And if you don't, this is just going to be being shit to him before you leave, which maybe that's what you want after he's been shit to you, but it's not the best option, I don't think. No. And it's also like really unfair to use another person for your revenge like you're not you you say you like this guy but right now he's a chess piece in your weird fucking mind game that like you might be the only

person playing yeah and that sucks like i i don't know if he's aware that you're married i don't know if he's aware of your situation or if you're just being a flirty, cute person and he's into you. Because that would suck. As the third guy, I wouldn't be like, oh, cool. Cool. You're married. Nice. Yeah.

If I found out someone was kind of holding back on what their relationship was and hucking up with me to fuck them over. I would hate that so much and I would instantly lose all respect for that person. Yeah, so don't do it. Just don't do it. This is from a throwaway account. How am I supposed to do foreplay with a girl who doesn't like being naked? Doesn't like being touched. He's 18, she's 19. I recently

started hooking up with my friend. We took each other's virginities a couple months ago and we've been occasionally hooking up since then. She complains that I try and move too fast into sex, but every time I try and take her clothes off to caress her or touch her nipples, she immediately puts them back on, telling me she doesn't like to be naked. Even when I finger her, I'll do it for a couple minutes at most, she'll start to feel really wet, but then she'll pull my hand away. I really don't want to push her if she's uncomfortable, but I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. If anyone has any advice, that would be greatly appreciated. Ask her what

she wants. This is the answer. And if she says something that conflicts with what's happening, then be like, how? You know, if she's like, hey, you're moving too fast into sex. Be like, okay, cool. I've tried to do X, Y, and Z. You said you don't want me to take your clothes off or you stop me when we figure you. So how would you like me to do foreplay with you? What are you into? Because obviously I don't want to do something you're uncomfortable with. Yeah.

It's so, so, so simple. And I understand that there's this. We talk about it when we talk about, like, do you like that as, as a thing that men say to women during sex or during sexual encounters? And it's like, you know, there's a little bit of pushback on that, but it's a different situation when it is clear that she does in fact, not like that. Yeah. And also if she's like, if she's saying, I want you to do more, it is very much okay for you to be like, cool. What would you like me to do?

Yeah. Start slow and really sort of like sit down and be like, hey, okay. I know in the past you've said I moved to sex too quickly. I would like, like, where do you want to start? How would you like to start? And like sit her down and lie her down and be like, I want to take care of you. So today is about you and we're going to go as slow as you want to. And you're going to tell me like, and I'm not going to progress anything until you give

me the green light or give me new instructions. So right now I, I am yours. What would you like? Literally a hundred percent. And that's going to be so hot for them, hopefully, unless they're very insecure, which is possible considering she doesn't want to get naked or be touched. But hopefully they will match you where you want to be. And it's like the good thing is you probably only have to do this the one time because after this one time, you'll know what she wants, hopefully. Yeah.

You know, she will tell you. You will know. And that doesn't mean you don't ever shake it up or change or progress or get better because if you just decide, well, I did it, then you're bad at sex. But it's going to be such a good starting point. It's going to be great. You're going to build this foundation that you can build off of and you'll do it together. And that's the thing, meeting each other halfway and having this, because it's also going to be a trust building exercise and you're going to build this comfort. And these are all massively important for anyone's orgasm, but I think especially women. So this comfort and this trust that you're going to build this comfort. And these are all massively important for anyone's orgasm, but I think especially women's.

So this comfort and this trust that you're going to build up and this roadmap that she's hopefully going to help you build of like her arousal, amazing. But you just got to ask. And it's like, if you ask and she's like, well, you should know. Not great. You know, if she's unwilling to work with you,

there's very little you can do. I will say, you know, foreplay isn't work with you there's very little you can do i will say you know foreplay isn't just manipulating things with your hands right there's kissing kissing is huge fucking kiss the hell out of her for like since the best part of four yeah it's so great so like you can do that long before you start to grab a nipple or fucking finger somebody you know and maybe that's it maybe you're jumping into that too fast. So talk to her and be willing to rock with what she's saying. And again, if she's like, oh, well, you know, I want you to touch me more. And then you could be like, hey, when I try to take your clothes off, you don't let me. When I try to do these things, like, am I doing that too soon?

Or is it like, you know, whatever. And just try to clarify because it could be an insecurity thing, right? And don't be afraid to, while you're getting instructions or while you're getting information from her, to really listen to the subtext of things and try to compliment parts of it, right? So if she is sort of, you know, I know some women who have gotten really insecure about how wet they get. And, you know, they apologize because maybe they're making a bit of a mess. And so I will say, I love how wet you get. It's so fucking hot. It turns me on.

And I try to listen to the things and like, listen to my partner's body language to figure out what might be causing them discomfort or what might be, you know, what I feel like they might be shying away a little bit. Um, because I know that, uh, some women, I mean, this is a personal preference is mine. This isn't, you know, me lying or anything because I do in fact really love them. But the, they're not love handles, but when a woman lies down or is sitting down and like her hips and her butt sort of like press up and you got like and do you know what i'm talking about like the if they're wearing like a thong or underwear

you see like their butt pushed up do you know what i'm talking about yeah like the hips yeah like that to me is what i could look at that i could hold that all day and just be a happy guy i like i would i would happily go to heaven doing that but i know that like i've talked with women and anytime i've commented on it a lot of women say really like that like i'm that's my most like i'm so insecure about that because it's um like we're all big fucking idiots like we all think parts about ourselves that like are great, suck. And we all like we're all like that. There's all these stupid things that we're so hung up on that people either never notice or love or don't care about.

And that's the fact. And it is almost impossible to tell anybody else that or yourself that. And I am definitely no exception to the rule but i think it is as dane saying it's a very great and wonderful thing as a partner to be able to recognize an insecurity and try to salve it you know what i mean put a salve on it try to reduce it even a little bit and just compliment them especially when it's genuine you know which i think a lot of the time it is because again we're all big fucking idiots and it's like it doesn't necessarily have to be a verbal compliment. I know some people who are,

you know, who might have scars or whatever. And it's just like, just not reacting to it. Right. Like not making a big deal of it. The same as everything else. Right.

You know what I mean? Like if you're just kissing one place and then you shy away from that place entirely, like that's gonna sting. Obviously. Yeah. Right. away from that place entirely like that's gonna sting obviously yeah right i used to sleep with a woman who had a pretty serious uh surgery in and left with a fairly large scar on her stomach

and i remember the first time i you know we we hooked up i you know kissed down her stomach the way that i would most partners to like you know go down on her and afterwards she was like i like i haven't been kissed on my stomach since my surgery because everyone sort of like gets freaked out by this fairly gnarly scar but like and like the funny thing is a lot of people might not be freaked out about it in the way that they're thinking they might be like oh like i don't want to draw attention to it like they might be awkward yeah you know it not like oh look at that scar like but unfortunately it's always going to translate poorly it's it's the guessing game of being like do you want me to completely avoid this so that you don't think that i'm thinking about it or would you like me to just embrace it and not give a shit that it's there because i don't care it is

your body and i'm i'm into your body obviously i'm trying to have sex with you yeah that it's there because I don't care. It is your body and I'm into your body. Obviously, I'm trying to have sex with you. Yeah. And it's also like, do I, am I drawing attention to it? If I kiss it, does it seem like fake or, you know, is this bringing it to her mind when, you know, there's a lot and I get it, but it's like, that's one of the struggles, but one of the joys, because I think it's a really nice thing to be able to reinforce someone's self-confidence and i love chipping away at insecurities and i mean that in the like getting rid of them not slowly eroding someone's self-worth by bringing them up all the time and there's something beautiful about like falling in love with or admiring or adoring physical imperfections and and things that people are insecure about.

Like, so what if you've got a little cellulite on your butt? Like, let me get my hands on it. So what if you've got like a little bit of a belly? I don't care. Like, it's so nice to sort of normalize and gush over things that I know that most people probably aren't super confident about or make them feel insecure. It's like finding those moments of what makes your partner unique physically and then being like, I love it.

This is the best. This is makes me so happy. Like finding moments to just like indulge in your partner is it genuinely is a, it's a great way, not only to one form a deeper connection with them but also as now said sort of help fill in the cracks of insecurity and because i'm sure the nice things that you are saying are a single plank of the chasms of of what they've either said to themselves or have been said to by other people yeah and that's why i meant even if you're like lessening it the the slightest amount you know what i mean

often getting rid of insecurities is a lifelong work if ever but if you could as dane said have that one plank fuck yeah that's one more plank than there was right the the hardest thing to start any project is like that first step, right? So if you start building the fucking staircase, there's a good chance they might keep doing it. Yeah. Or at the very least, the next person that comes along will have a slightly easier time. You know, it's just like, it's a nice, great way to be cool and chill to someone you love. So talk to her, basically.

We got sidetracked. It's important. It is important. I, 36-year-old male, dated someone, 34-year-old female, for eight months, and she blocked me after texting that this was the happiest she'd ever been in a relationship. We met on Bumble, February 2022, talked for a month, met for drinks, hit it off, start seeing each other regularly. Fast forward eight months to October, November.

We go on a great fancy dinner date. We had a lot of fun. I get sick and can't see her for two weeks. At the end of my sickness, I text and ask when she's free. She responds, I'm glad you're feeling better. This is really hard for me to send. You made me the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. This is the best relationship of my life, but our schedules are intense. You're a great person and I love you, but let's call it. And she blocked me. It's been two to three months. I'm still blocked on everything and I'm in the worst depression of my life. I haven't been able to move on.

I think about her every day. Mutual friends have told me she is not dating and just sitting at home upset. I want to break no contact by writing her a letter or knocking on her door. I know it's a bad idea, but I don't know what else to do. I want to respect her boundaries, but I'm beside myself. Any advice on how to let it go or what to do? Oof. This is tough.

I didn't think this is the way the question was going to go. Mm-hmm. Can you give me what she texted him one more time? I'm glad you're feeling better. This is really hard for me to send. You made me the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. This was the best relationship of my life, but our schedules are intense. You're a great person.

I love you, but let's call it. That's a wild, especially because from from his point at least from the question we didn't get a sense of like you know it was difficult to like see each other but we made it work yeah right so i would like to know how much of that actually played into it because if it was and like trust me i i'm there my dude like it is my My schedule is stupid. It's tough for me to find free time and it's tough for me to even this recording. It was a bit stressful to fucking get together, right? Yeah. And like we're recording on a day that we usually don't record so that I can maintain a social commitment that I had made previously.

And honestly, the only reason we're able to is because a previous recording we were meant to have done for a collab fell through and got rescheduled so like if that hadn't happened this would have been even more stressful i get it schedules are a mess so if that is playing into it if that is an issue then i understand where she's coming from i and i've i've been i've been hit with this from women myself where people have been like've i've been i've been hit with this from women myself where people have been like hey i've had a really great time with you it's been a lot of fun but i want something more than seeing you for a couple hours once a week or every couple weeks when you're free and like i get that i now it always sucks i will say i'm delving the comments for

additional information uh they said they saw each other at least once a week but usually four times which is i would say quite a lot of times at least once a week but usually four times a week yes which is hey the majority of the week and again it's like and i would love to know if it's like are they seeing each other for like two hours coffee yeah or and i i will say even if you do have a fucked schedule like i imagine if there was effort made to resolve this it would have been mentioned so it's like to just be like oh we've bad schedules bye like that's really shit and I understand why you're upset. Yes, 100%. I don't think there's any reason. Like, I understand why you feel the way that you do.

Well, I'm just trying to, like, wrap my head around it. I'd been, like, hooking up with someone for, like, a year. And when they broke up with me, it came kind of out of the blue. And I was like, hey. And again, we weren't, like, official or anything. I felt like we were getting there. And I was like, can I ask why? Like what happened?

You know what I mean? It was a pretty like kind breakup up until I was like, hey, like, is there a reason? Or I was kind of just like asking because I was confused. And she was like, it didn't mean enough for me to have to tell you why. I was like, whoa, that hurts. And like later on, we talked and still she never gave me a reason unlike to this day i don't know i did find a piece of paper and a thing she had left

which did indicate that it was as a result of a tarot card reading which is fucking weird but again that might not be it or it could be it because people do fucking weird things or as is more likely and maybe the case in this situation some people are scared of commitment and people are scared of things going well and self-sabotage or are like very avoidant and it could be that it could be like you guys were going doing so well that like she freaked out you and i could both guess for the like for the rest of this show we could do an episode every week and come up with a million reasons why it happened.

It doesn't. It's not up to you to combat her reasons why she's breaking up to you with, but wait, tarot cards are bullshit. It doesn't matter. It's like they've decided this thing and unfortunately, that's it. And I'm sure you want closure,

but we've talked about before, closure kind of not really, it's it. And I'm sure you want closure. But we've talked about before closure kind of not really. It's not like a movie. It often doesn't exist in the way we hope it would. Yeah. Closure is 100% your responsibility. Yes. It is not anyone else's responsibility to give you closure because we know how we work and how our brains work and we won't believe them anyway. Yes.

Yes. Right. We will overanalyze. Yeah. We'll overanalyze whatever they've said as, as what they were supposed to be doing in closure. And that will just fuck us up harder. So if you want closure, you need to read that message again and read the thing of saying, Hey, you made me feel great.

It was the best relationship and be like, great. It was a great relationship. I'm glad that I made them happy. And I'm glad that I'm, I know I'm capable of making people that I care about happy because that is a big part of insecurity. It was something I dealt with and struggled with for a very, very large part of my life of feeling like I wasn't enough, or I wasn't able to, to give the love that I thought people deserved. And I didn't think I was worthy of the love that I was receiving. So being able to have clear cut proof that that person felt loved and that you gave them something that we all try to give people that matter to us love and affection and like knowing that there is a

message there that you can look at and be like okay she was happy and i made her happy that's what you should focus on because i know you will spiral and then go but she's not happening more i wasn't enough i wasn't good enough no no no why she made the decision doesn't matter because all because of all the crazy things you're saying to yourself right now and how you're spiraling now, she's doing the same thing, right? So you don't know what's happening on her end.

What you can do is know what's happening on your end and be like, great. I made her happy and I know I can make other people happy. And so I'm going to process this for as long as you need. Take your time. Don't rush in anything, but know that the next person you see as you need. Take your time. Don't rush into anything. But know that the next person you see, you could make this happy again. Yeah.

And I think it's also worth looking at, like, if this is how this person decides to end things with you, it's like, is that kind of the person you wanted to see anyway? Like, obviously, things aren't going well on their end to me that would also it is proof that like this isn't the kind of person you wanted to be with because the person you'd want to be with would one obviously want to be with you but two would show a little bit more grace and like a little bit more of an explanation yeah so i think that's how i looked at my situation where it's like if someone doesn't have the maturity to like talk to me and like be whatever, it's like, cool. That's an indication of how a relationship would have gone, which would have been poorly.

Yeah. So I, here's my suggestion to you. You're blocked. So the, the hardest part of like looking at social media is taking care of for you. Great. Yeah. That is, that is a boon. Anytime your friends bring her up, say, uh, thanks.

But like, I'm not really interested. I don't need to know what she's doing. She has made her choice. And if she wanted me to know these things, she'd reach out to me. She's the one who blocked me. She's made it clear that she doesn't want me to know about this or doesn't want me to know about her life anymore. So while I appreciate you're probably saying this to make me feel better i'm not really interested in what she's doing and just sort of let everyone know that like if she wants to if

she wants a break she gets a break because it's hard to move on when your friends are like oh man i bet she misses you yeah i'm imagining in this case he's probably asking yeah and and even if he's not you need to make this you need to make the decision of being like not interested. That's the thing. You need to stop asking and you need to, if they bring it up, be like, hey, they don't want me to reach out. So I'm sure it's like, I just don't want to hear it. That's fine. I'm going to move on.

I don't think writing a letter or reaching out or breaking this no contact is the way to go because it's not going to go well. I think best case, it just puts you back at square one because even though you feel like shit, you have started the process of getting over it. And this will just put you literally back at the beginning. Unfortunately, as we said, like closure doesn't work like that.

So I think what you need to do is realize you're allowed to feel what you're feeling. You have good reason to be sad. And I think like, you know, don't feel like, oh, I can't feel it. By all means, fucking feel it. Realize you are in the right. You, like, you know, don't feel like, oh, I can't. Feel it. By all means, fucking feel it. Realize you are in the right.

You are not, you know, spiraling. Well, maybe you're spiraling, but you're not crazy. You're feeling it. You're allowed to feel it. Do what Dane said. Look at the positives. They loved, they had a great time. You were a good partner.

Wonderful. Take that and move forward. Do not contact them. Do not stalk them in whatever way you can. Respect the blocking and maybe even do some blocking of your own in case they unblock you because then you just don't have to worry about that. And then do what you need to do to move on. And we would recommend, because we talked about this before, taking time for yourself and doing positive things. Join a class. Hit the gym. Do the thing you've always wanted to do use the time that you spent on them or build yourself up distract yourself and to get more out of life because if you're wallowing at home it's just gonna suck whereas if you're out at a cooking class and you even meet a new friend or learn how to make a cool new fucking dish it's gonna be great might i suggest finding a local karaoke

bar and bonding with the strangers that are regulars there. 100%. Win some Raptors tickets by being a really good karaoke singer like Dane did. I did it. We got out of control in terms of timing on this. Yeah, we're shooting over. Let's go into Tinder. We're going to do like two, three max. Two total? Because we got to get out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. At the end of the episode, like to pop on to uh online dating platforms this is tinder bumble hinge look through the profiles comb them for red flags see what works see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable so i assume you have i'm gonna leave the tinders in your hands okay so hit me with two or three good ones and by good ones i mean interesting ones we could talk about. Here's Jim. Hi, I'm a man. I'm not ashamed to be a man.

I will not apologize for being a man. I will man spread. I will mansplain. I will burp, spit and fart. I will not list my pronouns. I will not check my privilege. And I may have forgotten to put the seat down. You want a boy?

Swipe left. There's plenty. I love the fact that you're constantly saying, I'm a man, but I won't tell you my pronouns. There was a point where I got there and I'm like, this is a joke. This is parody, but it isn't. I'm pretty sure it isn't.

Honestly, it's hard to tell these days. The people, like so many people are such a fucking farce of themselves like almost everything Andrew Tate does I'm like are you is this like or just like just just anyone like any sort of like conservative right wing yeah like personality like Marjorie Taylor Greene recently like after the terrible another school shooting that happened in the states was like oh we had we we want to send guns over to the ukraine to fight bad guys with guns but we don't want to give guns to good guys in schools i'm like are you really comparing an actual war zone with your schools like you understand that that's that you now view the situation, the invasion of a country, of Ukraine, to our school system?

Or schools? Or schools, because they do support Russia, and they do support the shooters, so it's a pretty fair analogy. Yeah. It's fucked. This is a zero. Okay. This one has no name. Also a zero, sorry.

They're 25 and uh making a profile is like making a job posting swiping like viewing job offers slash options going out like attending job fairs matching is like a job offer attending dates is like interviews and dating is like accepting the job offer i want a relationship that doesn't feel like a job but that's like getting your dream job not stating that anyone is like a job just stating that people treat and go about relationships like we do with jobs some people quit the same way kind of makes me sick hey dude what the fuck are you talking about i feel like he he almost he was almost there are you just saying the quiet part out loud like you're not wrong like it is a lot of people do treat especially on dating platforms like it's

very transactional and a lot of people treat dates like interviews like he's not incorrect i've been on dates where people are like where'd you go to school yeah where what do you want to do in five like i've been on dates that have felt like job interviews i get it but this isn't but i don't this isn't anything the seed of what he wanted to do i think was i want a relationship that feels like getting your dream job and then he got so lost in the analogy and then he started freaking out me like i mean like i'm not saying your job i mean like well people treat them i mean like also some people quit it makes me sick it's like why are you dude it's it's kind of endearing the like you're right the whole like i want to find a relationship Well, people treat them. I mean, like also some people quit. It makes me sick. It's like, why are you, dude? It's, it's kind of endearing the, like, you're right.

The whole, like, I want to find a relationship that feels like finding your dream job is actually a really cute sentiment. Yeah, it is. And I think that's what they tried to go for. And even just the, like the, the, the self-awareness to be like, I'm not saying that people are like things is also as a man a very important thing to do because unfortunately a lot of the time when we talk about women and relationships we equate women to things dehumanize hey wait wait for our next one dan yeah um this is i'm gonna give it a you know what? I want to give it a tentative like seven.

Whoa. If you, if you clear everything else. Like seven with, if me and him sat, if me, you, him sat down for five minutes, it would be a seven. It's, it's an unpolished diamond. It's right now. It's, it's got a lot of two. Yeah. He needs, he needs a hug and he needs an editor.

I would give it a three. Yeah. Maybe, maybe a four because I think he means well. yeah he needs a hug and he needs an editor i would give it a three yeah maybe i'm gonna say four because i think he means well but like dude got lost in the sauce hard yes lost in the sauce hard dude's drowning it's like did someone have a gun to your head did you not realize you you don't have to type it in one go like you can change it you can still change it. And to send us off into that sweet night. This is Genty. He 26. This app makes women think they're special snowflakes and have an endless bounty of cock to choose.

But they're all just used up holes. Woof. That's a yikes. That should have been my bad sex writing. Yeah, I mean, it could be. I don't need to describe what or explain you know, explain why this is bad. Women who have had sex in the past are not used up. They are more than just holes like.

Yeah, just like also, you know, this meant to be a dating profile, dude, right? Like, do you think anyone's going to be like, yeah, this one? He's also just like standing in a parking lot at night. He looks like a little lost. So let me tell you, he is a little lost He looks like a little lost So I don't know Let me tell you he is a little lost That's a minus 10 Thank you very much for listening friends

It has been an absolute pleasure Once again we have a live show coming up April 20th at the Black Sheep Cocktail Lounge In Liberty Village in Toronto 7.30 Is when we start putting people in, start getting drinks on tables. 8 o'clock is when the show starts.

The tickets are free. There are no tickets. You just have to go online and reserve a table and come have a great time with us. Yeah, it's always fun. And again, the crowd is so fucking wonderful. And I know you would just be a wonderful addition to that too. So come along if you can. And if you want,

because we want you to, and we'll be there. And of course, if you want to support the show for, you know, if you, if you can't make it, or if you just really like the show and want to help us out,

or if you're like, Hey, that shows free, but it shouldn't be here. Yeah. Some money. We would appreciate that. F buddies,

podcast.com. Click the Patreon link or patreon.com slash fbuddies. We have a bunch of different options. There is a tier. I believe the middle tier gets you access to our special Patreon once a month episode called Pillow Talk. We are loosey.

We're goosey. We do the same sort of thing that we do here, but a little more unhinged because it's usually our second or third recording of the day. And it's a good time. It's a lot of fun. And if you want to see what they're all about, last week's episode is actually a Patreon episode that we released because we were stuck at Comic-Con

all weekend. So it's a good way of testing the water. See if it's something you want to take a part in. 100%. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for their song, Paper Stars. And I have two really pertinent bad sex writings and I don't know which one to read, but they both fit what we were just talking about massively.

You know who Candace Owens is? Yep. Cool. This is her. This is a tweet. A real tweet she did. If you think making your husband a sandwich is a sin, but popping your vagina into another woman's vagina in front of the world is power, you are a lost soul what was

this what is the context for this i i assume she just doesn't like lesbians oh i mean i to me it sounds like there was a performance this was like a grammys thing or fucking maybe this was the 16th of march was it that when the Oscars were? Is that the Oscars? Who knows? Candace Owens, what the fuck? What the absolute fuck is wrong with you? This is why we're in a bad place in the world.

The fact that anyone is like, I support this absolute fucking idiot it's like insane just like just the the verbiage of it popping into another woman's like what are you talking about that is physically not how any of that works no but candace melons you know what you enjoy your sandwiches uh my name is day miller and i'm Spain. We've been your folk buddies. Go pop your vagina into another vagina.