F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 237 - Dain’s Cultural Roots

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Nothing is Dain's fault and he will not apologize for anything on his journey to understand and connect with his deep cultural roots.  Topics include obsolete pick-up techniques, the stigma of STIs and navigating relationships with positivity, indulging in degradation play.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies We are a dating and sex advice podcast

Where we take your sticky sexy situations And turn them into sexy sticky situations Simply put, we find questions either online Or from our wonderful listeners And we answer them right here, right now Every Monday in your ears And if we're once again doing a little time travel thing If you came to our show last week

Thank you very much We record this on you came to our show last week, thank you very much. We record this on Wednesdays and our show is on Thursday, so we haven't done it yet. But I got to say, I know it's going to be good. And I know, more importantly, you were great as well. Yeah, we already have people complaining that they can't book seats because it's so sold out right now. But hopefully you got there because this is the future i don't feel bad for the people who who try to book like the day before because we tell you we want we say it we say hey it's gonna book out this week because it always does so if you don't get your table that ain't that ain't my fault that's your fault and you

should feel bad about it 100 and%. And that's the thing. Not only did we tell you, we also told you it does sell out usually about two weeks before. And guess what? This was no exception. So, hey, next time maybe. It's the future. I don't know if we have another show. I'm in my era where I'm going to not take responsibility for anything regardless of whether it is my responsibility and it is everyone else's fault.

So what? You're entering your white guy era? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just, I'm really connecting with my roots. You ready for a question? I'm ready. I can't even go on. You ready for a question? Yeah.

You ready for a question? Hmm, this isn't really a question why did i get this up you know what this is a psa uh this is this been posted in the relationship or dating advice reddit stop with the pickup games all capitals i don't know why people pay for dating gurus and lessons it doesn't work the techniques are creepy please stop i was walking on the street and an extremely anxious man came up to me he seemed high he said something really fast i didn't understand it so i tried to distance myself and he said where is shop name i answered it was a little further down and then he asked for my name and i said

sorry i'm in a hurry we passed the shop and he didn't even go in he passed the street looked at me until i was further away and then tried with another girl that seemed equally as scared as i was don't go up to people in the street. Just don't. I mean, yeah. Yep. I feel like a lot of men need to hear that. It's why this podcast exists.

Pretty much, yeah. I watched this happen the other day. I was waiting for the bus or the streetcar, and this guy just like, you know, I will say he wasn't super creepy about it he was shooting his shot but it was just such a great indication of being like time and place yeah i'm i'm again i'm not against organically meeting people i you know i preach it all the time about how you know dating online dating should be a supplement to naturally and organically meeting people out in the world but he is organic if they have their headphones in they don't want to talk to you i don't care who you are if they were interested they would be open and receptive to it so right off the bat if

someone's listening to headphones leave them alone they're listening to us probably and they don't want to be interrupted what do you mean probably 100 i mean there's other podcasts that i would allow them to listen to no no yeah no they're allowed i just know they wouldn't because they wouldn't do that to themselves you know or us or especially not us but he like he kept like sort of you know getting in her vision and and then once they like made eye, he started talking. So she took her headphones out. And he was just like, he hit her with the worst. And this is boys, gentlemen, dudes, anyone. The line, sorry, I just have to really tell you, I think you're beautiful.

Sucks. Oh, did you? Oh, you did? Yeah. It's like, that move? Because you know what they're going to say? Thanks oh thank you that's very nice that's very sweet they get one it's it's bad don't comment on people's appearances without sort of any reason to do so and two it doesn't lead to a conversation no unless the person says yes i am thank you for noticing i'm actually very

attractive and let me talk about myself or like wait am i yeah no you are really yeah for sure let me let's get into it oh hell yeah yeah and and like i see it all the time especially at my bar as well where people are just like sorry i just have to tell you like you're so fucking hot you're so sexy you're cute you're beautiful whatever i'm like it's look if you're just there if that's you're just if you're just going over and be like hey i just want to let you know that you're fucking killing it right now and then you fucking wander off all right sure throw a compliment at someone that's fine even then i don't think oh you're so beautiful and walk off is one yeah if like if you're if your hair's just fucking killing it today or like you're murdering it on the dance floor, or you've got a rad jacket or something, I think that's far more acceptable.

And also something somebody might appreciate. Yes. Just being like, hey, you're beautiful. Bye. Fuck off. I think you bring up a good point. I think there is something to be said about striking up a conversation about an interesting thing about someone. So if they're rocking like crazy ass shoes or have, you know, a cool jacket, I think that could be a fun way to break the ice.

But again, even then, time and place, time and place and the bus stop or the gym or at their job is really not it. Yeah, I think a lot of men need to realize that like what they like what's good for the goose ain't good for the gander so i don't know it felt weird to say in a normal voice uh because no one says that but i don't know what other way to to say it's like just because you would like something because i'm sure a lot of men would love if a girl was like hey just want to come over and say you're fucking hot 100 you would love that if they were like hey want to come fuck you would love that if like you were if you had headphones and someone came up to you who was attractive and said these things that would make your fucking day that doesn't mean the same is true for a woman because there's an

inherent threat when a man comes up they're living in a different world to you it's the same with dick pics it's like i'm sure the guys sending dick pics are like i would love it if someone just randomly sent me their tits i would love it would make my day but it's not the fucking same no that's just so important to learn because i really don't think they get it i think they're like but i would love that it's like yeah dude and it all comes down to and i think it boils back to, it's like men don't get the same level of attention and affection. And therefore, we overcompensate and think that like exactly what you said. It's like these are the things that we so desperately crave. Like I would love, and I don't even mean like strangers complimenting me or hitting on me.

But like as a dude, I get very little compliments from, you know, day to day. Because it's just like it's not something that we do to men it's not something that like men get or because we're not supposed to want it right we're not supposed to care about our physical appearance or whether our hair is well groomed and like thankfully our friend group especially like you and i have a very strong male support group that we we beat each other up all the time and the same thing like the people that i work with are also you said we beat each other up it's like what no we don't love um like the other day i walked into work and uh one of the dudes that the bartender i was i was replacing was like damn man your beard looks fucking good it looks so full and like hell yeah that was one

of the first things he said to me and like that just set my night like it just set me up for success in terms of like an emotional state but really like a lot of dudes don't get that from anywhere a group of older ladies when i was telling them my favorite things on the menu in my bar were like do you eat that regular i was like yeah and they're like how are you so fit i was like oh thank you thank you very nice but yeah i do eat things drizzled in cheese almost constantly wish i wish i could by drizzled i mean swamped swamped in cheese if you ever go to niles restaurant just ask for the old cheese swamp uh so yeah like it sucks that you don't get as much love as you probably deserve or want as a man. And I get it.

We're all a little compliment starved. We're all a little affection starved. But half of that is our own fault. And by that, I mean, man to man, not you personally to yourself. Although probably two. But that's a different issue. But that still doesn't mean women want that. Different fucking issues.

So just realize it's not the same for the goose head for the gander no say it right it's not the same for the goose and the gander thereby i appreciate that you're i assume was that an irish accent were you going irish there because i don't know man it's starting to sound more newfie like you're starting to sound more i'm just putting putting more spin on who knows where it's gonna end up um i you make a very good point that like men need to stop and realize that the dynamics of existing in the world as a man are very very different than existing as a woman and as much as we want to talk about equality and as much as we want uh you know social parity and all that kind of stuff it just it's just not the same you know

a woman waiting for the bus is in not the same you know a woman waiting for the bus is in a much different position than a man waiting for the bus even though you're doing the exact same thing at the exact same time you know it's just it's just different and yeah we need to understand that and we need to be empathetic of that yeah so you need to sort of like make a hierarchy of importance of being like damn she is very attractive and i see that she's reading my favorite book and i really do want to talk to her about it but i know it is far more important for her to have her space and you know let her have her peace and to feel safe than it is for me to approach her 100 and like that attitude will help you get a partner later in life you know what i mean like

maybe not in that instance but just because it's not happening that instance doesn't mean it's not helping you because that attitude is going to make you empathetic it's going to make you a more attractive and desirable person because you're fucking chill yeah it's i mean that it's it's what set us apart every time we went out where we weren't like you could watch women who are standing at a bar get like literally like dudes lining up to shoot their shot and to hit them with their can line or their you're just so beautiful i had to tell you or the you know all this stupid bullshit and the second we roll in and just kind of like want to make room so we can order a drink

and ask them how their night's going so you know just to kill time until we get our drink the difference between how they reacted to us and how they reacted to the dudes who were doing what literally every other dude was doing yeah it's night and day so you really do need to stop and think about the reality of the situation and again i don't want to discourage people from striking up conversations with people but as we say time and place and you also have to go in with the understanding that they might not be as comfortable in the situation that you are and it is 100 up to you and is your responsibility to read that situation and fuck off if you can tell they're getting uncomfortable or do something to yes or do

something to ensure that they are comfortable yeah and whether that is something as simple as like not making comments about their physical appearance not touching them yep you know yeah like recognizing when they want to leave and not pushing the situation not being shitty if they turn you down or say no or any like there's a fucking laundry list of things you should be doing and just invading their space and time when they don't want you to is not it and this thing we're definitely neither of us are saying don't approach people, but do it in appropriate places,

you know, and be chill. And my, my general rule of thumb is if I'm not sure how someone is handling the social interaction I'm in, especially like if I'm chatting with you at the bar or whatever, if I'm not sure if you're picking up what I'm putting down, I will err on the side of caution and be like,

okay, like I will, I'll fuck off. And, and and like not obviously not like i won't storm away or get out busy or anything i'll just you know like turn back around to my friends or try to have a nearest fire exit just fucking launch myself out out the window off the side of the patio if it's one story or less because with like the way i see it is if there is something there i will be able to pick that up later yes for sure we we will bump into each other later and if we don't we don't because if they were actually interested i would assume and i hope that they would make an effort to talk to me again and if they don't it's like well i don't want to i don't want to chase anyone.

I don't want to like jump through hoops for someone's attention. So if, if it's not going to be reciprocated, if, if I am going to be, you know, quote unquote tested to see if I'm interested enough, that's not someone I want to be engaged with anyway.

And the thing is, I think for most women, like have a guy who is chill and confident enough to be able to leave. Like, that's a good sign. a guy who is chill and confident enough to be able to leave, like, that's a good sign. That's a really good marker of like what you're all about. And like,

I know people appreciate that. So like you'd be confident enough to give them the space. Don't be like, Oh, I met a girl. Now that is my one and only thing that's happening tonight. Because like, it's, it's hard to maintain that over a whole night.

Cause you have friends, they have friends, you know, even if things are going well, like you run the risk of suffocating everything and if it's not immediately going incredibly you're definitely going to do it so it's like have that chat strike up a report talk to them later if it doesn't work out it needs air to to grow the goose needs no i don't know the goose needs air okay no you can't do it that's offensive that's a little hey told you i'm getting i'm connecting with my roots oh true true sorry don't ruin my progress please all right hit me this is from reddit user not important yk spouse thinks he has hpv last night my a 30 a 30-year-old female Spouse, 30-year-old male

Of 10 years broke down and told me he thinks he has HPV Because of warts down there At one point he said that I gave it to him That he had it before we got together And that it must have been dormant until now While he's had struggles with his immune system Because of a medical condition How could I give it to him and it also be an issue before we got together?

I don't know He said he's kept it from me because it went away until now Now he's concerned I think he's cheated and is telling me I could leave our marriage without a fight because I will never trust him again and that this will always be an issue. His words were, I'm a monster and this is going to tear our family apart and I'm going to lose my family over this. What makes it even worse is that my mom has terminal cervical cancer that she got from HPV given to her by a cheating spouse. I've gone with her to chemo, seen her at her worst, and continue to support her. He knows

what this diagnosis has put my family through, so even if he didn't cheat, it clearly says he didn't care about my health, and that really bothers me. I have deep trauma, including by him, so I have this fawning response where I go numb to the issue until it's forgotten. Also, I feel guilty for thinking the worst and for being hurt. But from what I've read, it's wrong that he kept this from me, especially while telling me I might have given it to him or that I'm the bad guy for being hurt. I just also feel weird that he keeps harking on about the cheating stuff.

And with other things he said, just kind of sends up red flags. I also don't want to be closed minded because it totally could be the truth that it's been a dormant thing. It's not a death sentence or anything, just a concern that we need to be aware of if you have any advice or maybe there are some questions i could ask him or things i could research to learn about any advice would be helpful thank you for reading hopefully this can be resolved jesus christ a lot yeah she raises a lot of really good points if this was a thing and he didn't disclose it, that's pretty fucked up. So if you do have an STI, you disclose it and you then empower your partner to make an informed decision and also to take a hand in their own health and wellness. Yep.

It's messed up to not do that. The contradicting is is worrying me like i do understand that they don't want to jump to worst case scenario but being like oh i had it before but also you gave it to me and then be like you're gonna think i'm a cheater i've ruined our family blah that all kind of does seem like a guilty person freaking out yeah and i will say that there is there is a like a phenomenon where when people get stis they say things like i'm disgusting i'm a monster i'm that you know what i mean like it's it is a natural response to get really really depressed and frustrated and grossed out we've been socialized so much to believe that they're

like the most disgusting thing which is pretty fucked up um so like that it's it's tough because what you're saying is absolutely right and what she's saying is correct as well like yeah there's this sort of like spiral of of him sort of saying every possible scenario is the reason why it's happened is is hard but on the flip side i also understand is like someone in their 30s who especially like a dude i didn't know that i could have got the hpv vaccine right like when i was in school it was only for women like it was only for the girls and there was no conversation whatsoever about men and hpv yeah right all it was was like it leads to cervical cancer it leads to it's it's a big threat to girls and it's well, if I'm having sex with a woman, I can also get HPV.

And guess how women are also catching it as well is through sex. So like it was HPV is such a weird thing because it was never talked about for men. And it is it's it's a big thing. Like I also can cause throat cancer in men as well. It can cause literally any kind of cancer, right? Like just because I don't have a sir, it's like, you can still give you penile cancer. So there are a couple of things I do want to talk about here. One HPV is the common cold of sex.

75% of people who have sex are going to get HPV. It is. It's just one of those things where it's chances are if you have had sex, it is very, very likely that you have had sex it is very very likely that you have had hpv the good news is if he has warts or lesions that is not the strain of hpv that leads to cancer that's great news so if it is a matter of hpv also it is weird to be like hey i have warts but i haven't gotten them looked at yeah to be like oh i think i might have it you know because of the warts it would almost be the opposite way i'd be like oh yeah no that's that's it 100 this is bad yeah

i would go to a doctor get a proper diagnosis i think both of you should go to a doctor like you you know they can't test for hpv status just like yeah passively which sucks but like you can always go get a cervical cancer screening. In fact, if you're over the age of 21, you should be getting pap smears and shit pretty regularly anyway. So do one of those. It'll help alleviate some of your fears. He should definitely go get it checked out, because if it is, a doctor is going to be able to give you better advice than we can.

If it isn't, you need to know what it is. Yeah. advice than we can if it isn't you need to know what it is yeah um the other thing is h like he could have absolutely had hpv yeah 10 years ago because it it is something that our body you know it's it's a virus our body processes our immune system neutralizes it but it doesn't make you immune to it so you can get hpv over and over and over again. So it is very possible that he had it and now has it again. Um, it is also possible to go dormant and your body hasn't cleared it out. Um, it's not as likely as things like herpes, like herpes is, is unfortunately one of those things that is with you forever. Um, there are obviously suppression treatments and stuff like

that for managing breakouts, but herpes can go dormant for a very long, prolonged time and then pop up again. That's a possibility. But the likelihood is that he did have it. It went away because his body dealt with it. And presumably you guys were in a committed relationship. So if he does have it again, there is a very good possibility that he caught it from someone else i guess is it not one of those things where like herpes it does kind of lay dormant and pop up and down no as far as i know hpv is something that once your body deals with it it is it is dealt with

until a reinfection yeah really i think so i'm pretty sure i thought it was the op like the other way. Because I know you can get it and get over it in two years, but I thought you could also develop the warts and they come back. So it says HPV goes away on its own within two years without health problems. You're contagious for as long as you have the virus, regardless of whether or not you have symptoms. But it also says, but when it does not go away,

it can cause health problems like general warts and cancer. Yeah, so I mean, it could. Maybe his body it does not go away, it can cause health problems like general warts and cancer. Yeah. So, I mean, it could maybe he didn't his body didn't process it or cure it. And like the really the shitty thing of HPV is that once you have it or any sort of wart. So even if you have a wart on your foot or your hand, you will always test positive, which is why it's impossible to test for HPV. Uh, your, your,

the, the virus has, you know, fucked up any screening process. So if you've had any wart in your past or HPV in the past, you will always test positive for it. Uh, so it is,

uh, like now said, it's impossible to test for it. So it really comes down to, you have to go to your doctor, get it looked at, get it tested and get it diagnosed. I was just going to say the, you know, the old, we're not doctors. So like, yeah, we can give you a amalgam of decent medical advice or like suggestions,

shall I say? But in reality, if you do have issues like this, a doctor is, should be your, your portico. And also like Damer is a really good point about how about how like there is a lot of self-hatred that comes along with stis um that we've kind of been socialized and bred into having so it's like keep that in mind when you're looking at him spiraling because you know i also feel like it is kind of a nightmare to have had a dormant sti pop up in the middle of a relationship and then to be like, well, this looks incredibly terrible. Yeah. Because that is kind of a nightmare if he's being honest, right?

Yeah, and again, it all comes down to trusting your partner. Do you trust him? At one point in time, they do say that they have trauma from him as well. Yeah, that's also worrying. I'm not really sure what that means but you do have to once you get the medical side of things sort of checked out and under control i think you need to do a real hard conversation with your partner and be like hey i'm going to give you the opportunity to tell me anything if you need to tell me anything because open that door let him confess and then

make your decision based on that and if he insists being like hey i didn't cheat on you i promise here's the situation and like talk to your doctor about those circumstances as well could you ask him be like hey if he had it in the past is there a possibility that this could pop up again or is that unlikely because that can also help your decision-making process that's the thing it's like again we're not doctors so like if we said oh it can resurge or blah blah blah like don't listen to that listen to the doctor right and if they say it's possible sure and the thing is if this is what's happening to you guys i think approach it with as much grace as you can

because they're going through something you know hard but they should be doing the same to you so if you are asking questions and you're trying to clarify your suspicions and you're doing whatever and they start getting defensive and being like, oh, you think I cheated? Then like, fuck you. It's like they should have the grace to realize

that this is a bad situation too and to meet you halfway and assuage your fears. So hopefully that's what they'll do as well. Go to the doctor, get it checked out, ask the doctor all the questions that you want to ask your partner and see if they line up. I would probably do that without them in the room, just so it doesn't seem like you're piling on or making the doctor choose sides. I would maybe have a private consultation with a sexual health doctor, even someone who hasn't seen your husband, just to go to the doctor together,

get looked doctor together, get looked at together, and then bring your questions to a third party and be like, hey, can this happen? Can that happen? Is this a possibility? And then see if they line up with his story. Because if he does say, oh, it came back magically out of nowhere after 10 years, and a doctor says, hey, that's not possible or very very very unlikely then you have a a framework to go in and make your decision off that as opposed to being like stuck in the middle of well i guess i gotta trust them yeah 100 and if at the end of the day you do not trust the story then you need to be able to make that call and be like i'm sorry but i don't know if i can i can move forward with this relationship not being able to

trust you. Yeah. And if he had it before and he didn't disclose it to you, even if you trust him, that can also be a deal breaker. Not great, especially given your very personal trauma related to this, right? For sure. So again, don't do that thing where you're like, oh, I feel this way and you know it's going to affect you. Be like, I don't know if that's a good enough reason. You can break up with people for whatever you want if it's done it's done right good luck but yeah it's a shitty situation this is by a free man 1919 199 i male 26 started seeing someone female 23 and she has general herpes i male 26 recently started seeing someone female 23 from hinge she's really beautiful and really fun to talk to.

And we have a lot in common and share a lot of the same interests and just enjoy each other's presence and talking to each other a lot. She broke it to me that she does have Janlal Herpes. I've never encountered someone with this before, not face to face or anything like this. I want to note we have not had sex with each other yet, but I am concerned that sex is an important part of the relationship to both me and her. She has stated she takes medication and is extremely careful and makes sure she is all clean. First things first, you have to come to terms with the fact that if you do want to see a partner who has any of the herpes strains, that there is a possibility that you can contract it. You can live in a fantasy world of being like, you know, we'll not have sex during outbreaks and we have medication to manage them and we'll wear protection.

But it's the same thing of being like, you have to, if you're having sex, you have to have, you have to agree to the fact that like, there's a possibility of pregnancy. There's a possibility of contracting an STD. Those are realities of having sex and when you have sex with a partner who has an sti uh you have to be comfortable with the possibility that you will also contract it which i guess is kind of what you're doing when you have sex anyway with strangers is like you have to be ready for the fact that you can contract stuff that way too you know like safe sex is technically a myth you know you can make it as safe as possible yes you're making it safer but it's never a you

know fail proof yeah you know and then after that i think you have to have the conversation of being like learn their treatment routine see you know what medication they're taking and do your research on that and see how it suppresses the virus and what, what kind of like limitations it puts on the contagious nature of the virus. If it's still one of those things where the virus is still active and contagious, even though there is no outbreak, it is something worth noting. I would highly recommend using a condom always, regardless of the outbreak status of the person. And then it's just a matter of communication. I know a lot of people, not a lot of people, but I know several people who have contracted

genital herpes and are in loving long-term relationships. Yeah. So I want to make it very, very clear that this is not a death sentence. This is not a. No, not at all. a sentence to be alone forever it is very very possible to have a loving and caring and sexual relationship with someone with herpes yeah there's a lot of uh like there's dating apps we've mentioned before that are like specifically geared towards people with herpes uh also the percentage of people who have herpes worldwide is

like surprisingly large so it's not as rare as we're led to believe but unfortunately as we mentioned before stds or sorry stis are so like taboo and like shameful like or at least we're told that they are that a lot of people aren't open about speaking with it uh about them so just know that. And I think Dame makes a really good point. Educating yourself is key, both for your safety and for your peace of mind. There is a podcast you can listen to with a lot more in-depth kind of like knowledge about this called Positively Positive.

They're also Canadian podcasters and they're lovely. So check them out. And they have a really good resource. And they have like an outbreak diary on their website and like all these things that, you know, if you're a person who has this, maybe it'll be helpful for you. And if you're a person who has a partner who has this, it'll definitely help you educate and learn more from them about what the situation is. So I recommend that. I really appreciate that this question isn't like there's no judgment here. I really, really appreciate that. It's just sort of like a, here's the situation. What do I do? How do I approach this? And I think that is really

the approach we need to take to STIs because a lot of the times for the ones that aren't curable or treatable, it is important to know that like we live in a world where medicine handles a lot of stuff. Now there's, you know, we got prep where medicine handles a lot of stuff now there's you know we got prep to prep is a fucking miracle drug it's incredible hvi or h hiv we've got a lot of stuff that has made these diseases and viruses way more manageable and is reducing the stigma of them because as now said like the stigma of STDs are often far more dangerous and harmful than the disease or virus itself. I would say almost exclusively that it is, you know? Yeah.

Outside of things that like HIV before treatment and stuff. Well, yes. You know, but like things, things like herpes and stuff. When I was a teenager, I remember thinking like that was like a worst case scenario to me. Like I, I, I couldn't imagine. And I've been with partners who have later been like, oh, you know, heads up. I I've tested positive for this and like I spiraled. And that was just because I had a lack of understanding and there, there was a stigma on it.

And I'm glad we're getting to a point where it's not uh you know i'm running for the hills it's more of a how do i navigate these hills yeah have you ever seen the show elite no it's like the spanish gossip girl um but like they did a really cool thing big spoiler alert uh where they're one of their main female uh like love interests uh has uh hiv and they're one of their main female, uh, like love interests, uh, has, uh, HIV and they're just like, they deal with it and they talk about prep and various things. And then it's just kind of like, you know,

the, the characters make informed decisions and they move on. That's pretty rad. Yeah. I think it's really, really important that we talk about the realities of these things. You know, it is very,

very important to be informed and to accept the risks of sleeping with people with these stuff but also that it's not it's not possible and it is very very realistic to to have a relationship including a sexual relationship with people or if you have them regardless of your your sti status 100 and also failing that to be open-minded and chill with people's statuses and like graceful when they come to you and disclose these things because that's got to be a hard conversation um so i just want us all to have a little bit of the grace about that yeah i i also i like i don't think there's anything wrong, uh, inherently if you, you know, put the pros and cons and it's, you're not comfortable with the risk of saying, Hey, I really like

you. But unfortunately, I don't know if I, if I'm willing to take the physical risk at this time to have a relationship or a sexual relationship with someone who, who has whatever. I think that is a perfectly fine answer. And as long as you do it with grace and respect i don't think anyone on either side of of the issue can be upset by that that's the thing it's like once you're not a fucking dick about it it's like no one's saying you have to put up with the risks you know that's why we're saying get educated learn them and see where you stand and

make an informed decision but i think a lot of knee-jerk reactions and a lot of like stereotypes and lack of knowledge out there would make people make the wrong decisions without their knowledge. So yeah, just educate yourself and be chill, be cool. Well, let's do this. This is from a throwaway account. Do I have a degradation kink? So last night, my, a female

partner, who's a male, and I were having sex. Started out in cowgirl position. Then I turned around and faced the other way into reverse cowgirl. I ended up leaning down all the way and being more in doggy style with my partner in the same, still in the same spot. I don't know if this position has a name. My partner then put his foot slash leg on my back behind my head. Surprisingly, this turned me on a lot. I don't know how to describe it, but that gesture of him putting feet on me and pushing me down into the bed so he could fuck me made me feel degraded. I loved it. It sent me over the edge and I came immediately. After we finished, I told him how it made me feel. He sort of laughed and said it

wasn't his intention at all. He just wanted to get a better hold on me. I later came across a video of this guy who was explaining ways to tease women during sex. He said the phrase, I don't think you even deserve my dick. And it shocked me how much I wanted my significant other to say that to me. I've always loved when we dirty talk and my significant other calls me a slut or something similar. So after last night, I'm really wondering if I have a degradation kink. Does anyone have advice on how I can explore this to confirm? Well, yeah, it seems pretty clear you do. Yeah. I don't know if you need to confirm well yeah it seems pretty clear you do yeah i don't know if you need to confirm this uh friend uh i think what you're doing is is right like one you explained what he did and that you liked it that's cool i love the communication there fuck yeah you are exploring it personally and you have made note of a thing that happened that you enjoyed huge great wonderful

like share that be like, I think I have a degradation kink, or at least I like these things. Are you okay with exploring them to me? And you can be like, you could either send the video if you want to be hands off, or you could just be like phrases like X, Y, and Z, like when he said, you don't deserve my dick, or when you call me a slut. I really like those things. And i think that's a very good way to begin you know with with safe phrases i would say also to be safe if there's something under the umbrella of degradation that you do not enjoy make sure to get that out there too if there's a term or a certain like angle or treatment or whatever and also to make sure you look into

aftercare you've nailed the two big things. One, definitely, definitely do a hard look at like what your where your limits are. And if you're not sure where they are, make sure you establish a safe word. Yeah. Degradation is no different than bondage or physical pain. Degradation can be both physical and verbal and emotional and stuff like that so it is very very important to have a rip cord if things get a little too intense and it might not even be a specific thing it might not be a you know oh i don't like being called a whore slut all perfectly fine but bitch is my you know there might just be like a bar that fills up inside you where you could be called a slut 47

times but the second time in a certain position slut hits the wrong way and all of a sudden you're really uncomfortable with it that's fine you're allowed to do that like it's not a carte blanche to be like well slut is okay it's green lit and therefore it can be used all the time because it might not be able to you might be in a certain position feeling a certain way and all of a sudden it's like i don't like this long or it might be a certain way it's sad like tonally you know that's okay and that's why safe words exist and i know a lot of people who exactly what you just said where it's it's not necessarily what's being said it's the way it's being said and i know a lot of it has to do with volume. People don't want to be screamed at because screaming specifically for women triggers, as we talked about the first question or the first thing we talked about of like women live in a different world where there is a primal response to like a dude having physical power over them and yelling at them.

Yeah. dude having physical power over them and yelling at them yeah and so you you could be saying the exact same thing but it's the tone and the volume which you're saying it can be night and day from this is really fucking hot and i love it too oh i know you're not going to do anything to hurt me but my body is telling me to run yeah so safe words safe words so important words. So important. As Nell said, aftercare. Anytime you have any sort of abuse consensually in a relationship or sexual experience, aftercare is so fucking important. And that could be anything from as simple as a cuddle afterwards. It can be, I know a lot of people, especially for things like spanking and stuff, you can get really soft cloths that feel really nice to rub areas of impact. It could be as simple as getting them a glass of water. Or even just like words of affirmation, you know?

Yes. You did a great job. That was really hot. I had a great time. Thank you. Yeah. Those are really, really important things to say to someone after those kind of things because it shows that you enjoyed it as much as they did but now that we're out of that now that the the game is done

and the scene is over i i care about you i want to make sure you're safe and you know it's always nice to be like that was fucking hot thank you very much yeah and i think a lot of it is like even though you are degrading your partner you're clarifying afterwards that those are things you're saying for the game and you do not mean them. Yes, absolutely. And I would, I think what Niall said about involved or researching on your own time is really, really important. And I would also, I don't like suggesting

that people do their own research on the opposite side. Like I wouldn't tell him to look up degradation stuff because again if he finds a video of something that is the wrong path then that that defeats the purpose right and also you're making your partner do work for a thing that's for you you know what i mean it's like it's kinder and safer so do it the right way so if you guys want to go through and like maybe you have a little porn night where you sit down and you go through some stuff and you can actively like in in in real time be like oh that i like that and then when something pops up you can be like i don't want that like

nope not that one yeah if someone's getting slapped and spit in the face and you're like nope not that one but i do like know, being bent over and have a foot on my head. That is okay. And that could be a really, really fun experience to go through and make like a little sexy checklist together. And it also gives him a visual be like, oh, that. Okay. And I think you can start building sort of a library or a Bible of a rough idea of like, what goes in the good and what goes in the bad. And then you can, you can play around with the gray area a little bit and be like testing the waters here and there with new things. But like, it sounds like this is going to be great because

you have the wherewithal to Rick recognize that things are hitting you in that. Ooh, I really liked this spot. You know, the name of what you like, you have looked up what you like, you can communicate to your partner all like it it all seems like a very good recipe your partner seems cool this is great explore enjoy be safe but it'll all be good yeah for sure and one final thing that i like to encourage people when they get into stuff like this is have designate someone as like a scene leader or a game leader. And what I mean by that is they are the ones who are in charge of whether things are getting escalated or staying the same. And it's usually easier for the person who is in the degrading role and not the degraded

role. But you can find ways to lead up into a more either intense or less intense experience ways you can do that is if he says something along the lines of you don't deserve my dick you can say something you can respond with either no i don't i'm sorry and that's you pushing the scene forward or you can say something along the lines of how can i earn it and that's also you moving the scene forward but it also gives you along the lines of how can i earn it and that's also you moving the scene forward but it also gives you the chance to take control for a little bit so it's a matter of on the narrative too yeah if he's like great yeah you ride me and see if you

can earn my dick because then he gets a break but you're it's still in the the framework of the game yeah um so don't think that just because you're getting degraded, you don't have control. And it's a really fun way to play with control in the sense of like, you're making the decision, but it's his idea. Yeah. So, so have fun with that. And it can really be a collaborative and should be a collaborative experience and not just him doing whatever he thinks you might want.

So, so play with that. Yep. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms. not just him doing whatever he thinks you might want. So play with that. Yep. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms. I was going to say Tinder platforms, which, yes, but such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge. And we comb through the profile, see what works, what doesn't work, in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. All right, I'm going to start off with Ian.

If you're fat, I won't talk to you. If you're jabbed, I want nothing to do with you. If you don't show your face or your face is ugly, I can't fucks with you. There's a high chance I have no interest in you. I can see you right through your makeup. Your chosen hairstyle speaks volumes. That's not a pun. Damn, he's a crafty one. I like how he's like, I'm a piece of shit.

I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. Hey, don piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. Hey, don't think I'm clever. Yeah, I am not funny. Don't even don't even think you gotta have a personality or any sort of wit. It is weird that he's so into hairstyles. Like, I would love I wish I wish. Well, I don't know.

I wish I could dive into this dude's brain and like see his catalog of acceptable hairstyles. Oh yeah, I would love to know what, I don't want to go anywhere near his brain, but I would love a list of what hairstyles mean what, because I'm sure it is horrendous, but also engaging, interesting. I would love to see it. Like, is it just sort of like,

does he, is he just looking for like blonde hair, perfectly straight, no personality? Not that there's anything wrong with straight blonde hair, but just like, just that, like no curls, no pixie cuts, no short. I could promise you no short hair, no short hair of any sort. Oh, for sure. Yeah. If it's not to your shoulders or longer, absolutely not. But like, what about ponytails?

Where does he fall into the ponytail? Is that, is that too Ariana Grande for him? Who knows? Who knows? I don't know. As obvious as the zero. I hate it. Yeah.

He sucks shit. Okay. This is Michael and Alice 21. I think she might be 21. He looks a little older. Okay. Don't mind us. Just a father daughter scrolling Tinder.

She Alice 21 he michael 40 we are up for a threesome or something casual okay so i assume this is the metaphorical daddy and not the hey let's fucking hope yeah let's fucking hope dane... Ugh. I literally had a full body, like, shiver right there. Like, I almost... Like, I felt like maybe, just maybe I'm gonna throw up a little bit. Yeah. And you know what? I haven't gotten you to throw up on air yet, so...

One day. I got very close. It's fucked. Uh, we talked about this, I think, last week, where it's like, if, like, degradation or, like, cookholding is your game. Sure. But don't bring anyone else into it. Yeah.

I feel like this is a father, right? No, they do. In fact, say a father daughter scrolling Tinder. Yeah. So for me, my first thing is just like, look, there's some real bad trauma that can be involved in this sort of play, especially with the word father and not daddy. Cause daddy has a sort of innate sexual role, which is a bummer.

That is what I called my dad as a child. Was it really? Oh yeah. And it's so hard to, to shake it now and I can't, but every time I say it, I'm like, you still call your dad,

daddy. Yeah. That's really cute. I guess I don't, I, I, ugh. Do you still call your dad daddy? Yeah. That's really cute. I guess. I don't, I haven't spoken to him in a point where I need to, like, say that. But yeah, really. It's like, I don't call him his name. I'm not going to be like, father.

Even dad feels, I don't know. Yeah, it sucks. It's like, damn. Of all the words you have to sexualize, you have to do the one that now I just can't talk to my parents. Thankfully, mammy isn't a... Well, I guess it is. Fuck. Yeah. In a very, very different way.

Very different way. Bad news for you. Yeah. Dear God. I just can't talk to my parents. That's why I moved country. Yeah, I hate this. This is another zero. That's a zero. So, let's picture two girls. Just one of them is 20, I guess, because that's a zero so it's picture two girls they're okay just one of them is 20 i guess because that's the one the profile is about and it the only thing we have is the one

with the tits like these profiles are so tough for me because this could this person could be fucking hilarious and great or a piece of shit or yeah or they think that the only like thing that matters about them and is worthwhile talking about is their tits yeah or they're like throwing their friend under the bus like yeah they don't have tits like you know what i mean because it's the two girls yeah it's tough because like i do know women who are like this who I adore and who are hilarious. And I could see at least two or three of my friends having a profile like this and knowing them being like, that's great. I love that.

But then I also know quite a few women where I'm like, yeah, this is the worst. This is terrible. Yeah, I think it would be a five or six tentatively because it could go either way i'm also going to live in the five territory until i have like a five minute chat with this person and then that would be a swing it down to like a two or like an eight exactly exactly so we just keep going go one more let's do one more uh this one is nameless knife emoji good start always a strong start don't talk about your problems i really idgaf okay well you don't understand what the i stands for maybe they have a stutter you don't know i really i don't give a fuck and don't be

talking like a whore or you're blocked x emoji is this a man or a woman i'll let you figure it out okay x emoji i like my music loud don't turn my shit down unless you're dead or something shrugging emoji i'm impatient get mad easily and easily bored what do you laugh at it i just like the idea that he's okay with a ghost or a zombie turning his music what does it mean What does it mean? What does it mean? Shrug emoji. I'm impatient, get mad easily, and easily bored. I try not to, wrong to, but it's hard.

Bow emoji. First dates are shopping sprees. Open all my doors. Bring me flowers, a gift, and chocolate-covered strawberries when you pick me up. Ticket emoji. Gift options. A bag from Dolce tilting cabana or red

bottom heels size 6.5 okay i honestly i was back and forth between whether this was a dude or a woman for a while but that i know came in with strong asshole male energy honestly strong kyle energy for sure whoa one of our best friends is i know and as has been a guest on the podcast has done the wonderful videos you might have seen on our social media recently and it's funny because it could not be more anti-kyle energy but i do understand what you mean yeah maybe strong josh energy sorry to all the joshes out there chad energy chas maybe chas it's uh but then there's like a pretty big like switch yeah once we get into the gift territory i honestly it wasn't until the the shoes in the bag that i really because i was just like okay is this guy just hey if it was a chas who was demanding flowers

and chocolate covered strawberries when you pick them up it would sway me a little bit back towards loving this person like okay you're a piece of shit but i do love that you're challenging gender norms yeah that honestly that's like kind of where i was and then was the then the shoes came in i'm like who's buying fucking dolce cabana bags for a first date who's doing that especially not when you have a profile this shit like i imagine hanging out with this person would be a nightmare. It's like you're trying to talk to them. They have their music so fucking loud. Honestly, just being around this person in like a four apartment radius is probably a nightmare.

Unless you're dead or something. Unless you're dead. In which case she fucking vibes with you. Yeah. Zombies. But hey, do not be talking like a whore around her. What does that mean oh man this is so good just a strong stable of horrible profiles today that you've brought us

so thank you very much that's a this is also a zero obviously this is all agent valiant hearts strong efforts out there in the fields i love that Fucking love you so much. You fuel this segment almost single-handedly. Anybody else out there wants to add to this? Fucking send them in, guys. I know you've got either good or bad profiles, or your own. Just fucking send them in. Yeah. You know you wanna.

That's gonna do it for this week, friends. Thank you very much. I think this might be the... No, this is the second... Ni Niles going away. And I was leaving me for a while. It's true. He's going on a fucking cruise. Am I leaving you or have you driven me away?

No, you're leaving me. You're going to go spend time with daddy and mammy. And I couldn't be happier for you because they're lovely people. And I love your family very much. And I wish I was coming with you. And maybe just, maybe I'm going to put myself in your suitcase

and then I'll pop out like a surprise. My parents will make you paint the shed again, but that's okay. It's a small price. I'll paint the whole fucking boat for them now. I would do anything for them. So what we're going to be doing for those of you who haven't come to the live shows, I will be releasing the live shows for

Niall's little vacation. That is what we're going to be doing. So look forward to that. If you've come to the live shows, now. It's a little vacation. Um, that is what we're going to be doing. So look forward to that. Um, if you've come to the live shows, get to hear it twice. Yeah. Hopefully you'll have been so enraptured and laughing that you missed some of it.

And then you'll, you'll really get to like focus on, on the sheer talent on stage. Yeah. That's us. The only problem is because it is just audio. You won't get to see us awkwardly shuffle our chairs in, but I promise you it's adorable.

Yeah. If you have a question or a Tinder profile, you want to send us by all means, head on over to F buddies, podcast.com and click the contact form and send it our way. We'd love to hear from you. We'd love to answer your questions and we'd love to see your Tinder profiles. And I promise you we'll be a little nicer with you unless you're really bad.

And then we won't, but yeah, that's the thing. We're always put a little bit more kindness on. And like, if you come at us with that Josh Chaz energy. Yeah, I'm sorry. You're going to get a little bit lacerated. But if that's the case, you need to hear it. So it's win win.

All right. Take us out now. Thank you, Josh Eagle and Harvest News for their song Paper Stars. And I'm going to read you the blurb of a new book that's on amazon when leona stumbles upon beck the ogre's trap and becomes his prisoner she's determined to get away but it doesn't take long for things to start heating up between the two beck is trying to protect her and leona can't help her body's reaction to the buff green monster the lines between captive and captor become blurry and the passion becomes a raging fire neither of them can put out get in my swamp was previously released on kindle and the last chapter was posted on december 25th love it and yet it is it is shrek erotica what i'm really

sad that there's no like donkey reference what's it is it gonna be donkey monkey who knows I'm I'm actually the opposite and I'm glad there wasn't an animal mentioned in this erotic at Dane the only well I guess I was gonna say the only people who fucked in Shrek were the donkey and the dragon but that's not true because Shrek does end up having children Shrek bones down you know Shrek fucks he's got like nine kids at the end of it, right? Yeah, he fucks like a train,

man. But he does. And I'm just thinking about, do you think he gets any sort of satisfaction from his little like trumpet ears? Obviously.

Do you think they suck? I can only imagine. Man, now I'm all, do you think there's a tongue in there? There will be when I get my hands on them.

My name is Tane Miller. The Mouse Babe. We name is Tane Miller. And I'm Mal Spade. We've been your fuck buddies.