F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 239 - Intimate Evenings: Not Bad for February (Live @ Black Sheep)

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Niall is away on a vacation cruising around Europe, so this is the perfect chance to release our first set of shows recorded live at Black Sheep.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I am Niles Bain And we are your fuck buddies I'm sorry, we've been doing this for like

Not long enough apparently Four and a half years And we've introduced the show the exact same way And I just got too horny I was horny for it It's alright, it's alright Do you remember your part now? I do

If I'm gonna fuck it up or not, let's find out We are a sex and dating advice podcast Where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Nailed it. Nice. Simply put, we are a sex and dating advice podcast. We find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners. And I believe we already

have two from the audience. But you will notice there are, you know, some papers in front of you and some pens. So you can add to that because there will be a break. There's going to be a brief break, yes. So please, if you have any questions, if you were like, woke up today and you didn't know maybe where it goes

or what to do with it when you're in the shower and you were like, hey, today's the day I'm going to find out, please write it down. We'll come around during the break. We'll grab slips and we will choose the questions that tickle our fancy. And if you do write down those two exact questions, you will be evicted. Please don't. Yeah, we got a few other things going on.

If you share a picture or a video of what's going on tonight, and you tag us at fckbud Buddies Podcast or Black Sheep TO and hashtag Thirsty Thursdays. During the break, we will pick our favorite pitcher and we will give you shots. For your table. So get on it. Well, you know what? I think this is the largest closet we've ever recorded in. It's true.

We have gone four and a half years or however however long we've been doing it, recording in a closet. And this is the most amount of people we've ever seen while we do it. Because usually it's an audience of my cat. Yeah, who couldn't come. He had a prior engagement. Unfortunately, too busy. There's a couple... Are you nervous?

A little bit, yeah. I'm a little bit nervous, too. And it's... I was thinking about it today, and I was like, it's... Do you guys all remember? Are you nervous? A little bit, yeah. I'm a little bit nervous too. I was thinking about it today and I was like, do you guys all remember, did you have this saying in Ireland where people are like, oh, just picture people in their underwear. But I do that anyway. But I was thinking about it. Yes, I do too.

I was thinking about it and I was like, it's weird that it's usually said to children. That is fair. Because the first time I heard it, I was doing a poetry contest. I was in grade two, and my librarian who was running the contest, Mr. McDougall,

noticed I was a little nervous because it was in front of parents and students and all that kind of stuff. And I was a little nervous because it was like in front of like parents and and students and and all that kind of stuff um and i was like i was i was a little nervous and to to frame this better to get a real idea of why it makes me nervous or like why it makes me uncomfortable was um this was an elderly man um it was the night is this the same elderly man you called out when we won our no okay no No, no, no. This librarian was actually a good guy. But you wouldn't know it by looking at him.

He's a real dick face. Well, strong pervert energy. Well, obviously, he's telling kids to look at people and imagine them naked. Yes, you would look at him and be like, you definitely drive a white panel van. There's absolutely no way that's not how you got to work today. But he had, it was also the 90s, so you know he had Jeffrey Dahmer glasses. It was not great.

And he told me, and I was like, it's pretty fucked up that a grown man has just been like, hey, I'm going to be in the audience. Don't worry about it. If you get nervous, just picture me in my underwear. Now, the only good thing is, it's better to say it to children than about children. He was doing that

too. I was in school. That's fair. That's fair. Should we start off with a question? Let's do it. I would love that. I feel like I'll leave the real fucked up ones for later. Yeah. So we'll start off with this one by Goosemania2311. Girlfriend called her own name during sex?

Love that energy. We've been physical for a while, and she has never done this before, and she doesn't ever talk in the third person normally either. She pretends not to know what I'm talking about when I ask her, does anyone have any experience with this? Do you have any experience

with this? Now, does it say, is this a one-time thing, or is this what she does in bed? Because it says, anytime I bring it up, she's like, I don't know what you're talking about. It said called, not calls, but I don't know. You know, look, I like this because it's an easy question and I'm not here to yuck anyone's yums. And I think if that's what gets you going,

if you're so into yourself and you're feeling yourself that's a win for like me as a partner if you're so into yourself while we're having sex that you feel the need to call your own name I feel like I've done a good job that's fair yeah if you're that narcissistic are you saying I'm narcissistic no I mean they are they're calling their own name yeah but like I don't know I. Yeah, but like, I don't know. I feel like that's, like, imagine, I don't know. I think, yeah. See, I worry, not necessarily worry, but like, it could just be lost in translation. It might be like, say my name.

And then they were having such a good time that they just said their name. They just got confused and said their name, yeah. I mean, that's a very possible situation um i the thing that i like about this question is usually our answer to every question is have you talked about it but they have and she's saying and she's just no just straight up gaslighting this dude just which we don't recommend in fact i i would say we hardly recommend against gaslighting don't do that to your partner if this happens and i feel like this goes for saying someone else's name in bed too don't get weird about it it happens yeah just own it be like oh i fucked up i said my own name or what if it's their ex well if they have an ex

with the same name as them maybe then do you do you bite the bullet and say i said my ex's name or do you just say i said my own name which is worse what do you think is worse do you do you bite the bullet and say i said my ex's name or do you just say said my own name which is worse what do you think is worse do you think saying your own name or saying your ex's name one's weird one's bad are you just not going to clarify which is which i think we all know which is which okay i'd go weird which is saying your own name yeah yeah i maybe we try it out. I think I will. It's a pity because now I've spoiled the surprise when I do.

This is homework for everyone in this room. The next time you're having sex, just say your own name. And I was going to say only do it if the person you're having sex with isn't here. But if they are here, you just have to be the one to do it first. It's a race. Yeah. And that makes it more exciting because it's kind of a competition. And if there's one thing that makes a good sexual relationship, it's constantly competing with your partner in bed. And mind games. And listening to two strangers and doing exactly what they said.

Yes. Now, I love that we have an audience because I can ask this. Has anyone ever called their own name in bed? No. A lot of shaking hands. No, there's a lot of no's a lot of no's here has anyone been with someone who's done it i i oh oh we got one we got one were you weirded out by it yeah because it was definitely she was very straight and it was definitely not a name that goes both genders okay oh so she didn't say her own name she said another person's name. No, she said her name, but there was no. Oh, okay. So you 100% knew it was her. Yeah. What did you do?

Were you just like, hell yeah. The answer, I don't know if you heard it. The answer was I wasn't sure if she was a Pokemon. I'm really pissed because I was like waiting to make that joke and you fucking took it from me. Get out. Yeah, I feel like and I know this is kind of what we just said with the don't do mind games and all but you gotta like next time call your own name, right? Even the playing field.

Yes, I feel like once you've entered into the terms of engagement of oh, she's gonna pretend like this doesn't happen. I'm gonna say the craziest shit that I can think of and then deny it. I think you just do your name and then when they're like, hey, wait, because they're either gonna pretend like this doesn't happen I'm gonna say the craziest shit That I can think of And then deny it I think you just do your name And then when they're like hey wait

Cause they're either gonna be like hey you did your name like me And you go aha Or you say it and they just don't admit it What if we're missing out What if this is the true Nirvana of sex Is saying your own name And we've been lied to by big sex or whatever.

That's the thing. Of being like, no, say my name, say my name, and paying a bunch of rappers to say it in songs and shit. And it's like, they just don't want us to do it. I know. So everyone go out there. That's your first piece of advice. That's your first homework.

Everyone have sex tonight and call your own name and see what happens. I'm sorry if you become like a government van rolls up to you and kidnaps you. Big sex gets rid of you, but you know you'll go out happy. Are we ready for another one? Or Ash Ketchum throws up and throws a ball

at you and runs away with you. Yeah, if someone puts you in a very small round container. And makes you fight for sport. You ready for another? Yeah, let's do it let's do another i feel like we definitely covered that we helped um this is from hot pink fuzzy did he pee in my mouth so that's been our show guys so uh before this our our boss did come up to me like is there gonna be a code word for if we get too too wild up here and i said no you did this pink fuzzy yes i work going ahead regardless this is

your fault um so a couple of days i gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time it seemed to go well as he was enjoying it it was a little different from other experiences because it was almost like he came three different times, one right after another, spaced out a few seconds after each other. I didn't think anything of it. I just thought that he came a lot. After we were done and cuddling, he asked me, I didn't pee in your mouth, did I? I said no, and I brushed it off because I didn't think he had.

Now I can't get it out of my head. Did he? He stayed hard the whole time. Is it more likely he didn't come three times and peed in my mouth? If so, I didn't want to give him more blowjobs. Wouldn't he know for sure if he did? You got to give him more blowjobs to find out. Is that the advice?

Yeah, you take five for science, and if he doesn't say, hey, was that piss? Then you probably have a pretty... No, like, how do you not fucking know? You need to... The next time he goes to the bathroom, you need to kick in the fucking door and be like, hey, did you just pee? Because I need you right now to remember that sensation.

It is very important to the future of our relationship. Yeah, like, there's a lot of differences between cum and pee. Like, mouthfeel. List them. Taste. Mouthfeel. Taste. Color.

Speed. Speed. One significantly slower. Which one? You know. But, like, oh, there's so much that's fucking me up about this question. Because like, I was like, maybe if she'd never given a blowjob before. But she says she has.

So that's that out of the equation. Yes. Yeah. The fact that he said it, that's the part that's fucking me up the most. It is difficult that he doesn't know. Because I don't think there's ever been a time in my life where I've experienced a situation and was just like, was that pee? I've also never mixed up cumming and peeing. Quite different.

Yeah. Oh, I got real loud. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Oh, damn. Could you guys not hear me a second ago? Because that was probably for the better. Yeah.

The taste? How bad does this guy's cum or how good is his piss? There's really nothing we can, like, we can't solve this problem because... How much of it was there? That's my thing. It's a volume thing. Yeah, like, it's everything. It's literally everything. Every checkbox of like, if I had a sheet or like a workbook that someone gave me and it was called, is it piss?

I feel like I would be able to confidently answer every single one of those questions. Aside from like area of origin, there's nothing else really that they have in common. There's no like overlap. Also pretty hard to piss when you have a boner. So there you go. I think that's what I've got to believe deep down in my heart. Deep down in my piss slash cum. Yeah.

There's no way that this was urine. I want to believe it for her. I want to believe it for me. I want to believe it for all of us. I want to believe it for her i want to believe it for me i want to believe it for all of us i want to believe it for humanity yeah that this isn't the world we're living in fuck well if she has covid she can't taste that's the only thing that's making sense for me even then i think you could differentiate with your tongue but is this the new covid test because I don't know what I would prefer If a nurse was like Alright, here we go

Sit down there for one sec, open up Put your head back Great, perfect Was that cum or piss? Hey, you need to tell me right now Or we're going to quarantine you Did I just pee? Yeah

This is one of the rare questions You have to answer for yourself And if you can't Maybe move on They clearly can't Yeah, this is one of the rare questions you have to answer for yourself. And if you can't, maybe move on. They clearly can't. Well, I mean, yeah. Yeah. It's just... God.

Sorry. Next question? Hey, yeah, next question. I was going to save my really fucked up one, but I feel like it works really well. But I will come back to it. I will come back to it. Okay. This is going to be from Lil Chilly Willy.

Accidentally ejaculated in her backpack hi guys i'm in need of some relationship advice i recently made a big mistake i don't know how to make it right so my girlfriend and i were getting intimate and things got a little out of hand i accidentally ejaculated into her backpack which was sitting on the floor next to us she was very angry when she found out and she's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since classic i know i made a mistake and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it right i've apologized multiple times i've even offered to clean the backpack or buy her a new one yeah dude But she's still not speaking to me. I'm not sure what to do. I care about my girlfriend.

I don't want to lose her over this. But fuck her backpack. Fuck that backpack. Literally. I need some advice on how to handle this situation and make things right. Thanks. The most fucked up part of this question is that he didn't say he did it accidentally. Right?

It's in the question title. Accidentally. Accidentally. Yeah. Okay, that's fair. But how? Well, the thing is, you seem pretty angry at this guy, but presumably she was aiming it. Not on purpose, hopefully.

Sorry, I was... They're getting intimate, so I assume she had hands on. Right. So there's a certain level of blame on both sides here. So you're saying that... I mean, I guess we don't know if they're having sex or if it's a hand job or if it's a certain level of blame on both sides here So you're saying that I mean, I guess we don't know if they're having sex Or if it's a hand job Or if it's a blow job

I hope they weren't having sex Because if so, he was off aim He was just like I'm gonna fire hose this bad boy And just see what happens At least it's not piss How do we know though? Who could tell?

There's no way of knowing Okay I think maybe this is How do we know, though? Who could tell? There's no way of knowing. Okay. I think maybe this is... No, I don't know if I want to go down that route. Oh, well, now you have to. Not in a room full of people. Well, shit. Wait, sorry. The cum and piss wasn't enough, but this was?

Okay, so here's my process of thinking, is they're having sex. For whatever reason, her backpack is beside the bed. I assume it's an errant handjob. Okay. Look, if that's the case, if you're jerking someone off, there's no way. I don't care if you have a fucking PhD

in physics. You have no idea where that's going. There's no way of knowing. You have no idea the speed or trajectory of ejaculate. And I don't care how smart you are. You're not figuring that out. Figure this one out, science.

Yeah, nerds. So I think there's a little bit of wiggle room of being like, I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. That's fair. There's a lot of other things. Like, is there a condom on? Other things like Is there a condom on Were you having sex

With a condom on Because that means That was pretty intentional You took a condom off If you pulled out Pulled that off Started going And then just

Oops Oops In the backpack Like you wanted to I also think You are 100% responsible For anything you keep In the splash zone

That's fair That's fair Right If you have something Important Near where you are Having sex You want it to be Covered in cum And or piss keep in the splash zone that's fair that's fair right if you have something important near where you are having sex you want it to be covered in cum and or piss that's your fucking fault you open that door um where i was going before was i was like i think i've always thought it

really really fucking funny that um if you are sleeping with a squirter and you don't know and all of a sudden it happens there's really no warning and I always thought it would be really funny to like what if the rules were reversed of just being like let's say you're having sex on your bed a very normal sex place and someone squirts and you've made a mess. Great, cool, you've done a good job. But imagine if that was me. Imagine if I was having sex, and I was ready to finish, and I pulled out, and I was just like,

fuck this bedspread. Fuck everything you own. Yeah. Or if you're on the couch, and you're just like, you need a new one. Yeah. Hope these cushions are washable. Shit's going to get real crusty.

It would be weird. So maybe this guy has an audible groan. That's where we live for. We've learned where we drew the line today, kids. It's nice that we can hear the groans instead of having to imagine them. So for this, you've apologized. If you honestly didn't mean to do it on purpose, then you're good. That's the thing.

It's like the steps are apologize, say it was an accident, offer to clean it, or buy a new one. There's nothing further. Yeah. Like you've done that. Maybe step one, don't come in a backpack. I don't know. Do we want to take that off the table?

Hey. It seems limiting. I've never done it, and I'm not here to, once again, yuck anyone's yums. If you want to do your thing. Yeah, I think you raised a good point earlier, which is keep the splash zone clear. Okay. I was like, did I? One good point. Yeah, keep it clear.

Don't come in people's backpacks or most things unless they want you to yeah and yeah but at the same time i think if someone's trying to make amends and they didn't mean it fucking forgive them that's yeah i mean it goes for a lot of things like anything in a situation if something happens accidentally and it isn't done maliciously obviously apologize and move on and if you can't move on that's fine like if they do something unspeakable then okay you're allowed to sit in your truth and be like sorry i can't forgive you this is gonna color my opinion of you forever a little certain shade of like white oh yeah maybe like an off white yeah um But if you, like, I don't know. It's one of those things where you've really got to move on or make the call.

Don't just sit in this weird nebulous area of, I'm just not going to talk to you. Yeah, I'm just going to make you suffer this whole time. It's like if you need something to be done to forgive them, say what that is. If what they're offering is enough, take it. If you can't forgive them, break up with them. Move on. move on don't be like i'm just gonna punish you for a while um i'm gonna do a question that was sent in to us from one of our listeners oh are they in this room right now i don't think so no ah okay it would be crazy if they were they're from not canada okay okay um this is from which one do i want to do i'm going to do this one this is from agent

believer okay my partner a 29 year old female and i a 32 year old female have recently moved in together with a roommate due to rising rent prices i feel that i fucking hear that in an effort to hide the noises we make during sexy times if our roommate is home we play music i've never had any complaints about my partner she's attentive and times if our roommate is home we play music i've never had any complaints about my partner she's attentive and thorough and our sex is great but since we've started using music something we never really or sorry since we started using music something we've never done before she's been making playlists for it is it c-bat and for some reason is it c-bat it's not c-bat for some reason, she puts a lot of Creed on it.

Oh. Like three or four Creed songs in a row. In a row? That's too much Creed. Creed songs I've never heard before. Damn. Real deep cuts. I've tried connecting to the speaker before she can to put on something else,

but the second things start getting hot and heavy, she switches to her Creed fuck else but the second things start getting hot and heavy she switches to her creed fuck playlist damn help i don't think there is help for this that might be a fatal condition i i can't imagine a less sexy voice to have sex to yeah it's like someone mixed kermit the Frog and Cher together. Well, what if they're just into punishment, masochism? You know what I mean? That's it. It's just our old masochism.

Jesus. Mechanisms. Sure. I think this is it. You have to be like, do you want me to introduce some sort of physical punishment into the bedroom? Because you're currently doing audio punishment. That's the thing. If you want to be punished for your ears, that's fine.

But you need the consent of your partner to also punish their ears. Yes. Right? Like, that's not fair. Yeah. Maybe you have to, like, come in with those big, you know those big things they put on babies at concerts? Like the noise-canceling headphones? Yeah.

Come in with that. and if they're like, what the fuck are you doing? You're like, it's safe sex. It's the only way. It's the only way we can get through this. Condoms over the years. Yes. Or retaliate with CBAT, which may be too sexy.

I don't know if everyone knows the CBAT. Do you guys know what CBAT is? Round of applause for CBAT. Okay, we got a smattering okay hold on so the fun thing about this is we can just jam our technology i'm gonna i'm gonna play a little bit you can actually just play it i think so yeah i think i can do it i'll give a little rundown on what c-bat is it was a it's a song by hudson mohawk it became reddit famous and then tiktok famous and then world famous after someone, similar question,

complained about their partner playing this song regularly in their sex playlist and then thrusting along to the beat, both of which were problems. And we'll let you judge for yourself. I want like thumbs up in the air after to see how sexy you think it is. Let me, let me just cue this bad boy up not a bad start not a bad start it's okay could be sexy because sounds like almost like a hip-hop maybe right like maybe we're about to get like a start of a musical yeah like ashanti could start at any point in time right now i wish but no okay wait not too bad

yeah yeah oh i see a couple thumbs downs already um the real question is do we have thumbs up anyone really feeling it anyone just no not not one oh oh we got two all right we got some freaks in the house they like what sounds like a dolphin dying yes it's definitely what i think of like whenever you hear like those stories of like oh a tourist sat on a dolphin that was beached and it died. What a horrible thing to do. Yeah, it does sound like a bunch of TikTokers are ruining this dolphin's last moments. Yeah. So that's, I mean, it could be worse.

I think I would take Creed over Seabat. I don't know enough Creed. And they did say it's creed probably no one knows that's the thing the deep cut of creed makes me nervous because maybe maybe we haven't heard the best creed oh shit maybe maybe there's creed that's not or maybe we haven't heard the worst creed i think that's more likely to be honest that's more terrifying too um maybe she's super super religious and this is her way of getting just a little bit of j in the bedroom. Now, it's Jesus. It's two women, right? It is two women, yes.

So that would also scare me if I were them and she was super religious. I guess. Religion not usually great. Yes. Traditionally not the best for Like an added turn off there. Like, great, now I gotta think about Jesus. Now we gotta think about this Who does not like me

I mean we won't get into that So okay advice Let's give some actionable advice I think what you need to do Communication Yes I think you need to say hey darling I love you But I do not love Creed I need you to like

I got stop Yeah It's you have to be like i want our bedroom to be scott stapp free is that a member of creed it is i believe the lead singer of creed okay um i i really hope so hey he's not invited either who cares right yes maybe there's just a guy on work with named Scott Stapp. Either way, you need to sit your partner down and be like, look, I appreciate you taking the initiative to make a sex playlist for us to hide the noises that we make while we have sex.

I also feel like it's going to be the same problem where the roommate's just going to be so sick of this fucking playlist that they'd be like, I just want to hear moans instead. I to hear wet slaps i want to hear awkward bad creaking i didn't even especially this poor fucking roommate fucking creed i imagine have it like being conditioned pavlov's bell yeah yes it's pavlov's bell but with creed yeah that's awful already a type of music that immediately turns me off and now just like that immediate sensation of being like i don't know i don't i mean maybe you want to hear your roommates fuck i don't know um but to be like oh i should stop listening right now and and that cue to me is fucking creed yeah that's bad although maybe they're doing the roommate a service maybe they're're actually really chill, and they know they're going to have this reaction.

So they want to put a good song on and runa for them. So they're like, hey, Creed's already fucked. Or maybe they just want to get their roommate out of the house. Oh, smart. Because if I knew that the second my roommates went into their room at the same time around nighttime or whatever and closed the door, and I was about to listen to fucking 45 minutes of creed i would go creed deep cuts yeah i would go somewhere else too yeah that's fair so maybe maybe it's a smart thing maybe don't change it i've kind of changed my stance on this get more creed it's great to get privacy but terrible for literally

everything else. Yeah. But, like, I love that at no point in this question they were like, yeah, we talked about it. Yeah. It's like I tried to run, get it on first, and it didn't work. Fuck. What do I do? You don't need to ask us. Talk to them.

Please talk to your partner. Like I said, every question could be resolved to, did you talk about it? Did you? Did you? Although if that happened, we wouldn't have a podcast, so don't do do that yeah keep keep staying real bad at your relationships no communication talk to us we'll do a show then you go fuck i should have talked about it yeah exactly um so yes please talk to your partner and say hey i can't i can't possibly listen to another creed song please this is by throry usff 21 year old female, 20 year old male. My boyfriend

has a weird understanding of what happens at sleepovers. I've been dating this amazing guy for six months now and it's his first serious relationship while I've had a few boyfriends before. What I really love about him is that he's really good at communicating his feelings and he listens to what I have to say and we always eventually find common ground. Anyway, my best friend was having a sleepover last weekend. It was me, her, and three other girls. I was of course excited but I could tell something was bothering him. So I asked and he first tried to deny anything was the matter but eventually he said something which completely blew my mind. He said, I know at some point you guys will end up without clothes or maybe in your lingerie.

I don't really have an issue with it, but I would appreciate if you didn't cuddle, you know, while naked or wearing lingerie. I almost laughed. Like, why would I cuddle with my friends naked or why would he imagine us in lingerie with each other? Then he said he knows what goes on at girls' sleepovers. People, I was at a loss for words. I told him on our sleepovers we're in comfy pajamas, eating junk food And watching some movie or series Maybe thirsting over some K-pop celebs

But I could see he didn't believe me My question is, what the fuck is going on? I hate this man for revealing how much we know Guys, we all made a promise Never to let on that we knew this We had our annual meeting and we all made a promise never to let on that. We knew this. We had our annual meeting and we said, this is not the year gentlemen.

We can't let them know that we know 27 was tentative, but we should have had four more years or more good years of letting them do weird shit at sleepovers. So the answer is porn, right? Yes. I mean, I love love and by love i mean i'm very scared about the fact that there are people who literally watch i guess porn or like like any sort of like saved by the bell like fantasy like like any sort of like that where like people cartoonishly imagine

what's happening at sleepovers. Maybe like Barney from How I Met Your Mother imagining something in one scene. And he's like, yeah, that's fact. Yeah, that's actually how it happens. This 100% isn't an exaggeration at all. But like those exist. And it's moments like that where I realize

that like if I ever need to explain male privilege to someone, it's with like any of these examples of being like, we can hang out. And most likely people aren't going to think that we are like a Chippendale sort of like. We have a podcast called Fuck Buddies, which is just me and you. And no one has, well, people have, but most people don't accuse us of fucking. Well, we also do constantly talk about how we're in the closet. We do, yeah. We record in the closet. That wasn't a joke.

It's, you know, we put that on ourselves. Again, these are some, I'm usually confident confident our ability to answer questions but this is another tough one because I can't imagine sitting a grown-ass man down and being like you know do you know that's not real right I think step one is he says he knows be like hey how how did you unveil our secret who told you I would see that's my thing i would lean so far into this and i would wait for him to like walk into the room as i'm packing my cum-filled backpack and be like or piss or piss we don't know who could know who could tell um and as he's walking in just be like stuffing every piece of lingerie that i own in there and when he sees when he catches me

anything vaguely phallic yes and like when he catches me... Anything vaguely phallic. Yes. And like when he catches me, just be like, oh shit, and just dump it out. Be like, where's my... Babe, have you seen my sweatpants? Where's my... Fuck, where's my ugly pajamas? Where are the ugly pajamas I don't like to be fucked in? But like, it's gonna be really hard

to fit stuff in your bag because of all the obviously coming piss, but all the pillows for your pillow fights. Yeah, I mean, that's the the thing it's like you don't roll into a lingerie sexy pillow fight without your own personalized pillow can we have a round of applause for all the ladies who have your own personalized sexy pillow fight pillow we can't apparently okay yeah a shocking amount of men just clapped. Okay, this isn't what happens, guys. And the thing is, it is expensive to maintain.

That's why they don't always have sleepovers. Because you know three, four hits, those pillows burst. It's slow motion, feathers falling. Feathers everywhere. And you have to get specific pillows for that. I don't know if you guys know, but not don't not all pillows work like that so it's tough it's a drain on the wallet you know you got to set up the slow-mo cameras in advance which is you know yeah women are very particular as well like they'll never wear the same lingerie twice

absolutely not well by the time they're done with those sleepovers no one's wearing that lingerie again um okay once again i just i'm out of curiosity is there people in here who have had a sexy sleepover with their lady friends oh okay not a oh okay we have a hand hell yeah hell yeah all right let's go so it's not outside the realm of plausibility did it happen exactly like we imagine okay Okay. Was this the same sexy sleepover? You don't have to answer. How much pillow fighting did you do? No pillow fighting. Did you feel

at any point in time obligated that you thought maybe you owed it to all of us to have a pillow fight? No? Okay. Worth asking. I can't believe you broke the rules of the sleepover and didn't have a fucking pillow fight you're kicked out of girls club now uh yeah like you just got i i would press him and be like why do you think this please from where like did someone tell you

is it just porn because if you go why and he's like what was this porn i feel like by the end of that sentence unless he's irredeemable he knows oh yeah i fucked up yeah and if he says that sentence without the telltale like porn then he's wincing if he finishes the sentence fully dump him yeah if he ends any of his convert like any answer he gives that is confident i think you need to just run you need to get out of there there's no answer that i can think of that you could give confidently and not be like you are so out of touch with how reality works yeah so just grill him find out or just send him increasingly more sexy and not for him necessarily but just hint that more things are going on like first

one's like it's a selfie you guys are in your ugly pajamas, but there's fucking feathers everywhere. Yeah. Everywhere. Just like chocolate sauce on everything. Just, I don't know. It's, it's one of those things where you do have to, I want you to press it. You need to press it. And then you need to make the decision of being like, can I date a man who is living

in a, like a 16 year old's fantasy world? And if not, you need to move on. Yeah, it's true. We can probably do one more. Let's get one more in here. So we're going to do a little break at some point. Probably after this question. Grab a few drinks. Pick up those

question cards if anyone filled them out. So you can still fill them out. And if anyone tagged us, we're going to go organize who gets the shots, and then we will be back on. Just so everyone knows what's going down tonight. Okay, here's one thing. On the topic of delusional men. This is from TrashGarbage421.

Boyfriend won't eat me out anymore Because he doesn't want to be beta Yes Accurate Very very good My female 21 21 year old female Their boyfriend is a 25 year old male

Says he won't eat me out anymore Because he doesn't want his friends to call him a beta male But he still wants me to give him blow jobs my boyfriend has been watching a lot of alpha male videos lately no shit and his persona has definitely changed he's very vocal in public to say whatever's on his mind even it's inappropriate at the movies he made a comment asking if the circus was in town because the lady at the concessions had a lot of tattoos and i got pissed off and snapped at him good for you he wasn't always like this but now i'm afraid he's gone down this horrific rabbit hole and now i have to leave him because he started making comments about my weight i have a slight muffin

top and now he says he can't eat me out anymore because it's for betas but you still want to but you still want me to blow me or still want me to blow you? I never want to shame my significant other for their interests and likes, but I'm afraid I have to break up with him. What do I do? Break up with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, well, very, very much on the same page here.

Easiest fucking answer. We did it. Yeah, this guy fucking sucks. My favorite thing about this line of thinking, of being like, I don't want to do a thing because people will think I'm beta, is actually like... The most beta shit you could think of.

The most beta thing you could possibly be of being like, I don't want to pleasure my girlfriend because my friends might call me names. I'm sad that Jeff will give me shit. Fuck. Hey, hey, look. Your pleasure's important to me, babe, but I think Jeff might call me a bitch.

So I don't know if I could do it. Yeah, it's like, I really, we talked, we said the word irredeemable a little while back. Yeah. This guy pretty much embodies that.

I don't really know, like advice wise, it's like you, I say, say, tell him that. It's like, hey, there's nothing more fucking beta. Again, I don't love using. Like, advice-wise, it's like you, I say, say them, tell them that. It's like, hey, there's nothing more fucking beta. Again, I don't love using alpha and beta as terms. But, like, the irony of the people that use them is that the things they try to espouse are usually the most fucking pathetic shit ever. Yeah.

So, it's just like, you just be like, hey, that's fucking lame. I can't think of. And also, don't go down on someone if they're not going to go down on you. Reciprocation is key. It's so key. It's what, yeah, you have to... Gentlemen, if at any point in time you think that not pleasuring your partner or going out of your way to ensure that your partner is sexually satisfied

makes you less of a man i'm doing air quotes for those who can't see me um then your concept of like masculinity is so fucking skewed it's like so out of whack that you think that it's more important to your perception of masculinity that your male friends think you're a man then being good to your partner and I'm not saying that there's like inherent ties to masculinity and like sexual performance or anything like that but i am saying that there is a an inherent tie of being confident in yourself and uh doing what you want to do and that's not a masculinity or a femininity thing or or sort of like any sort of gendered humanity thing yeah it is if if you are being influenced by someone especially people who really don't have any rights to influence an aspect of your life specifically

a sexual relationship with your romantic partner then you're you're failing on a lot of fronts as a person um so i think a lot of people and it's funny we actively try not to use the alpha and beta thing specifically because like just scientifically the whole alpha it's a myth it doesn't exist there is no such thing as like an alpha wolf even like the guy who like coined that back in the day is like oh i was so wrong please listen to me this is stupid that's not even how wolves work yeah but people are like hey i like wolves and that's how they work and i mean that's how humans should work yeah fuck you i'm an alpha it's like what yeah you you're nothing you didn't You didn't do anything important.

No. So, yeah. Fucking pleasure your woman. Go down on her. What the fuck are you doing? Pleasure your partners. Also, like, why is Jeff even getting involved?

Don't talk to him about it. Actually, find a new fucking friend. That's my thing. It's weird that he seems to be reporting to his friends of being like, guys,

I fucked up today. I hate her pussy. And then there's like a whole like intervention where they like sit you down. Bro, come on. You're more manly than this, bro. That's a fucking point in the beta column. Idiot. They run over to the big whiteboard.

They're like, fuck, man. There's like gold stars of being like, you want to get in the Sigma column heaven like you you're aiming for alpha big dream sigma but god if you fuck up and get a beta yikes damn it the best thing is like this guy probably worships andrew tate oh 100 who got bodied by greta thunberg like very publicly so So it's like, really? This guy? To be fair, he bodies himself on a regular basis. Just like anytime

the man opens his mouth, I'm too smart to read, Niall. That's a quote. It is an actual quote. That is a quote that Andrew Tate said seriously to impress men.

And the fucking worst thing isn't worked. That's my point is it always makes me laugh that men idolize or tend to like men who are typically insecure in their own masculinity and their own sense of self, tend to idolize men that are actively repulsed or like women actively hate.

Right? Or like women actively hate, right? So to me, if I had any sort of logic or common sense, if I was like, hey, I'm having trouble with women, you know what I should do? Listen to the guy that every woman hates. Every fucking person hates this guy. He must be onto something. Yeah. This is it.

This is the key to success here. Yeah, it's just fucking baffling but dump this guy i like i want to say talk to him i want to say have a conversation i want to say communication i want to say give people second chances but like i feel like this guy's beyond beyond that i don't know give it maybe give it the college try yeah if things don't rapidly increase and if jeff isn't a bad memory of the past because like if your boyfriend's cool but his friends fucking suck and love andrew tate your boyfriend's probably not that fucking cool so yeah it's it yeah you have to because like i feel like the only way forward here is to play

the bullshit game of well if you're not going to go down on me i'm not going to go down yeah and like and that doesn't serve either one of you. It doesn't serve you. That's just a waste of time. That's just like you getting off the highway and onto slow breakup road instead of fast track to finding someone who will go down on you. That's the thing. If you have

to do a quid pro quo blackmail trade to get mutual satisfaction from your partner, it's probably not a good fucking relationship. No, not at all. And by that I mean it isn't. It is not. So, yeah, don't go down that road. Do dump this fucker. Do go down on your partner.

Do go down on your partner, yeah, willingly. Bad road to go down, partner's good to go down. Yes. Just don't piss in their mouth. Or their backpack, yes. Or their backpack. Or their backpack. Now, okay, question for the audience. Which would you rather have pissed in?

It's all, we all want backpack, right? Okay. Hey. Any mouth people out there? We're not, we're not here to yuck anyone's yums. There are plenty of people of German descent who love it. Canceled. Get out.

I think that's going to do us for our first set friends please visit your friends at the bar we have an excellent team here at Black Sheep Michael Mel Austin they're here to take care of you he's already shaken a drink for someone love it he just threw some ice when he heard you talking

go have a smoke go to the bathroom tip well if you have a question, please write it down. Niall and I will be around to say hello, get some questions, and then in the next bit we'll answer any questions you've given us, or we will keep talking about putting things that shouldn't be in your mouth in your mouth. Or your backpack. Or your backpack.

We will be back in about 15, 20, friends. Cheers, guys. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. 15-20 friends Cheers guys So Yeah Let's do some audience questions.

Yeah, you want to go audience? Right now? Okay, let's do it. Okay, okay. Will I start? Let's start. I'm going to just shuffle it randomly. I don't know what tables these came from.

I don't know who's... Are you going? No, I'm just reading. Okay. Let's do this one. how do you find the balance between having sex early enough to ensure there's chemistry before investing before investing too much or waiting to have connection that isn't clouded by good sex you turn the music down yeah that's okay i kind of like it i know it was it was kind of sexy i was kind of into it it was

working do you need to read this again? No, I think we're okay. All right. I think there's a happy balance, and I think a lot of it comes down to talking about what you're looking for and what you're into and what you want. Not necessarily immediately. I don't think you have to have that sort of real heart-to heart deep talk initially or like right off the bat but i do think you should have it fairly early on um because if it is just a sexual relationship you guys are both looking for then you don't really have to worry about too much because if the sex

is good and you're just looking for a sexual relationship then like fuck yeah you've done it yeah congratulations um if you're looking for something more, if you're looking to maybe transition into a relationship, either monogamous or non-monogamous, also something important to talk about, then I think you need to sort of set parameters and be like, hi, so I am kind of in the market to proceed into a relationship.

I'm in no rush. Hopefully you aren't in a rush. Never rush a relationship. Let things progress naturally. Yeah, you aren't in a rush. Never rush a relationship. Let things progress naturally. Yeah. And don't rush fucking marriage and don't rush moving in together. These steps can take time. And like, there's definitely no problem with that because the longer you spend making those steps, the more sure you are that when you take that step, it's the right one. And I understand there's a lot of people who might get caught up, especially nowadays where it might be difficult to find a partner that you connect with sexually, but you might not connect with on other levels.

If you are looking for a long-term relationship, but you have someone that you are currently in a really good sexual relationship or a satisfying sexual relationship, I don't think there's any harm in pursuing that until you find someone that you don't like if you find someone and they also are cool with that's the thing like once they're on the same page once they don't think that you're angling for a relationship but all you want is sex then fucking hell yeah get that good sex yeah because it's going to be a lot more fun looking for that relationship that you want when you're sexually satisfied. And also then you're less likely to be clouded by good sex when you're getting good sex. And you're getting in a safe environment with someone you like and trust, but you don't have that relationship with, which is fine. And that's what I was going to say.

It's like on top of you having that conversation, it's good for you to have that conversation with yourself and know, one, what you're looking for, but two, be open to other things. Because just because you want a relationship doesn't mean you can't fuck. It's true. And it's like, if you're holding back from fucking, that's going to make it more likely that you do clad your relationship. And obviously, only do it if you want to.

Only do it when it's safe. Only do it with people you love. I'm not saying just fuck for no reason, unless that's what you want. Unless that's what you want. That's also also okay you fuck the way you want to just be safe and consensual and do whatever you want and get stuff out of the splash zone get it out of there it's dangerous um yeah i i think you've covered a lot of the bases there um because i think what we end up happening like we are by nature for the most part horny as fuck horny creatures up happening, we are, by nature, for the most part, horny creatures.

Like, we get touch starved. I think a lot of people realize that during the pandemic, especially people who lived alone, realize of like, I need someone and literally anyone to touch me right now. And it's not, I don't necessarily even mean like sexually. I mean like the amount of people who didn't get hugged for however many months because they were isolating and being responsible and yada yada. And the thing is like there comes a point where you just, you get used to your backpack and you need a new one. We're not going to let this backpack thing go. There was a slow laugh. Yeah. It got there.

We got there. Hey, I'll take it. So don't let... If you feel like you are having a sexual relationship and the reason you aren't pursuing what you actually want,

whether it's a monogamous relationship or non-monogamous relationship or a more serious committed relationship, if you feel like the only reason you're not pursuing that relationship is because you are having good sex with someone, I think it's a twofold thing. One, you have to step back and be like,

well, is that actually what you want if you're not pursuing it? And two, if the sex isn't serving your happiness, no matter how good it is, then it's not as good as you might think. Just because you're coming a lot or really sexually satisfied, great, cool, that's awesome. But if at the end of it you feel terrible, if you have that sort of like guilt afterwards or you feel lonely because of it then you might have to reassess and be like is the sex worth what i feel all of the other time and hopefully it it meets in the middle where it's like oh i have great sex and that's awesome and then i am still pursuing what I actually want,

and that person that I'm having sex with is a supporter of me trying to find these things and will, when I find it, be happy for me when I find it. Yeah. You can find that. You definitely can find it. So it's like being open. Like the person you're having great sex with, if that's all you want, tell them. Maybe they're not going to be cool with that.

Maybe they will be. If they're cool with it want tell them maybe they're not gonna be cool with that maybe they will be you know if they're cool with it great if they're not then good you know that they don't want what you want you don't want what they want so you guys need to move on every relationship in your life has to serve you or each other right i like you you need to both you should serve each each other right yes yeah Like you, you should be serving some aspect of a desire or want, um, that you have. And if it doesn't do that, if those conditions aren't being met, I think you really need to take a step back and take a hard look at what you actually want and why those needs aren't being met and why you're still pursuing something that might not be serving you. Yeah. And if you find you're being clouded by good sex, like think about how you feel when you're not having sex.

Like when you go home and they're not there, do you feel like shit? Probably a good sign that it is just the sex. And also if you're with someone who's like bad at sex, if they're a good partner and they're communicative, you could probably get them there. You know what I mean? Unless they're a bad partner

that doesn't listen to you and doesn't care, in which case you probably don't want the relationship or the sex with them. So, a bad partner that doesn't listen to you and doesn't care, in which case, you probably don't want the relationship or the sex with them. So, you know, it's being open, it's being communicative, it's being, you know,

as horny as you want to be and you can get there. I believe in you. I believe in you. Thank you for the questions, by the way. What is the best song slash singer

slash band CBAT to burn it to lash on during sex suggestion two weeks by FKA Twigs. For a second, I was thinking, I know it's not that song. I was thinking One Week by Barenaked Ladies when I read two weeks. And I was like, I think that's up there with Creed. If someone was like, hold on, hold on, let me let me just turn the lights down low it's been one week okay

you know what it's sexier than creed i wouldn't say it's sexy at least it's a beat is it it's a beat uh i know you're gonna say pony no okay i know i know you're going to say it. But if someone put pony on like legitimately to have sex to, I would be like, I would feel like I'm about to have sex with like a 40-year-old.

Wow. That's actually a very reasonable age for me to have sex with nowadays. Yeah. Fuck, I'm old. I feel like I'm about to sleep with a soccer mom whose only introduction into sexual exploration is Magic Mike. You know everyone whose song is Pony is leaving, right?

I can see them. My song is Pony. That's what I said, and you're denying it. But I'm saying it's not a sex song. It's a song that you joke about having sex to. We know it's not CBAT, but what else comes close? Nothing is. Nothing.

I'm a big fan of, I don't like having curated playlists, because I feel like those are always very obvious. I think it's very obvious that this is like I've been really trying baby What is that? Let's get it on No? Really? Okay. Come on. Somebody got that. Okay. We got one.

We got at least. Okay. Thank you. Jesus. Fuck. I felt like an idiot for a second there. I took a chance. It's scary there. That's all I want. I took a chance. It's scary singing in front of this many people. When you're sitting down. When you're sitting down.

When you're standing, it's not so bad. Stand up then. Like carry. Coward. There's not enough room. So I don't like a playlist because one, once again, I feel like the second you put on a playlist, especially if you put it on a second time with the same partner, I think the first thing people are probably going to think of, or the thing I would think about would be like, you play this all the time. And all of a sudden it doesn't seem so special.

That's fair. So for me, what I like to do is, exactly what I did to find a playlist for tonight i type in the vibe of the weather outside i'm i'm interested go on right you're like so so the playlist you were listening to earlier was not that bad for february and which was weirdly hot right oh shit it was weirdly hot. Right? Oh, shit, it is weirdly hot. So, yeah, if it's like a hot summer night, I'll put on like hot summer night vibes. Okay. So do you just have really bad sex in winter?

No, because then you put in cozy winter night vibes. Oh, shit. Okay. Right? I'm back on board. It's so easy because then you don't cozy winter night vibes. Oh, shit. Okay. Right? I'm back on board. It's so easy because then you don't have to worry. Like, you literally, you're going to have a different playlist every time.

Yeah, okay. Or like 60 days of the same playlist. No, because you just choose another one. You just pick another one. And that way I feel like, because if I was hooking up with someone and every time I hook up with them, I heard the same song,

I think that would start to get to me. And not the fact that I'd be like, oh, you fuck other guys to that song. I don't give a fuck about that. For me, I'm just like, well, now every time I hear this song, it's, I'm going to be removed from our experience because I've heard this song.

Like it's clocking to me and I don't want to, and I don't know how many fucking weirdos are Are like me who listen to music like that? But I don't want to be pulled out of the sexual experience because I'm like, oh fuck you I like this song you see and then I'm just like vibe into the song I like I used to have the opposite experience so an ex of mine I don't know who in the apartment complex that she lived at where they were

All I know is we could hear them playing their steel drums Perfectly, so whenever we were fucking or not whenever but often when we're fucking we would hear like under the sea but played on steel drums It just like it was such a fuck We would break the mood all the time laugh a lot But it got to the point where then i would just play steel drum music and she'd give me that look and that was so it was like the opposite and now i love steel drum music you yeah that's like your manchurian candidate like it's that's my activation code yeah you put on like a fucking steel drum it's like nobody play it right now yeah now it's not allowed at carabana he's just

rock hard and i'm crowded thousands i'm sorry guys it's his fault yeah sure steel drum music gets you hard like let me explain listen to the live show we did um no no no it's it's's the sexy Jamaican crab's fault. I'd let him piss in my backpack. I will say, though, don't do what I did and put on, you know, like YouTube has that autoplay feature. Don't put on one song and let it autoplay and think that things are going to be okay. Because it can get weird. A fucking documentary about choir children started playing once.

And then you have to get up and stop it and my elementary school librarian just got very interested but the worst part is like you kind of hear talk you're like oh it's one of those songs where like you know there's like a few seconds like 20 30 seconds of talking then the song kicks in then by the time you realize it's not it's just it sucked all the atmosphere out of the room So don't do that. Yeah next question next question. I Want children and soon hell yeah guy I'm dating has always told me he did not Seeing my budget biological clock ticking. I gave him an ultimatum. He comes around to the idea of kids or we break up He thought about it for a few days and agreed to starting a family i'm thrilled but should i be concerned yes um i'm sorry to put that on you but no one wakes up and has lived their lives for as long as they've lived their lives and is like i don't want kids and then like, hey, you should have kids with me.

And they're like, okay. Like, I don't think that's how people make rational decisions. Right? An ultimatum rarely works the way you want it to. Ultimatums aren't great ideas. However, now that you've gotten to this point, I think a really good, like, yardstick is to start talking about kids. And by that, I mean, how are we going to raise them

what's your parenting style uh what school do you want them to go to like talk about the actual shit that goes into parenting not just you want to have kids yeah like that's an easy fucking answer even if like you can fake that right you can be like yeah sure but if you're like hey what's your parenting style go to this parenting workshop with me. Fucking read this thing. What do you think of schools in our area? And they're like, what the fuck? Then, yeah, that's a fairly good idea that even if they're willing to say yes to your question, they're not fucking ready.

Right? Give him a bag of sugar to look after for a week. Give him an egg. Yeah, put an egg in his pocket. Don't even tell him. And if his parental instincts don't kick in, you don't want to have kids with him. No, but for real,

if he can't have those conversations with you, and that's the real shit, that's the reality of having kids, then he's not the one for you. If he actually is not only enthusiastic, but giving you good answers, if he's like, oh, discipline, beat the shit out of him, you're like, okay, no.

If he's giving you good answers, and he's enthusiastic, and he's willing to engage and think and talk to you yeah maybe he's being real about what he said if he doesn't i think that's a pretty easy way to know yeah you know because maybe he never thought about maybe he's like fuck i really like you we're at a certain age we're at a certain point in our relationship and he's like fuck you know what yeah i think i do i think it can happen but i think the only way for you to know is like get into the fucking nitty-gritty don't just have a kid and be like well how about now and no i think that's yeah you fucking nailed it proud of you um i i don't have much to add yeah i think it's really really really important to, one, I really, I would be very suspicious of anyone who made that much of a life choice on a fucking dime.

If they went from like, not wanting kids, I've asked you to have kids. I want kids. I think right there, that second, I would be like, ooh, immediately am not comfortable with this situation. It's the same thing with like, I often encourage people, and I hold this person, or like this method of thinking as well, of like, it's a fuck yes or it's a no. Right?

It's not a foreign concept. I think a lot of people talk about it, especially nowadays. The thing is, especially for fucking kids as well. Especially kids. Like that's a life, if not multiple lives, in your hands,

while also possibly ruining yours. Yeah. So it's like it's one thing if you're like the ultimate on being like, oh, we're dating. I want to be monogamous. I want to be exclusive. And I want to do a serious relationship. It's one thing to be like, OK, I don't want to stop seeing you. So I guess we'll do it.

Because a month later, you can be like, fuck it. Already a bad choice. I'm out. You can be like, well, okay, this didn't work out. I made a mistake. Oops. And then fuck off. But when you have a kid, hopefully...

If you do that after a month, you're a piece of shit. You're a terrible person. So you really have to, as Niall said, I think you've got to really grill them on specifics. And I don't think you need to be combative about it. I don't think you need to be like, I'm suspicious. Hold on. And if they don't have answers, that's okay.

But if they're not willing to get those answers, that's a problem. If they're like, oh, shit, I didn't think about that. And, like, then you're like, okay, well, we can go research. And they're like, eh, fuck it. Yeah. Like, no, don't have kids with this fucker. If they're like, oh, shit, yeah, okay, well, how about next Tuesday we go to the fucking library? I don't have kids with this fucker if they're like oh shit yeah okay well how about next tuesday we go to the fucking library i don't know where you do this shit

like fucking we sit down and we look at school websites or we go to the kids farm and we talk to the ranchers and we see how you wrangled these little fuckers i don't know like something like that yeah i don't know but yeah just like if he's giving an honest, genuine try. He doesn't have to have the answers, but he has to be willing to get them. I think that's where you're at. Great answer. This is from... We don't have names.

We're not doing names here. Ignore that. Well, I guess we forgot to tell you. Usually people give us their agent names. I don't know how we came up with that. But you just kind of say, like, I'm Agent Bob or whatever. Usually not Bob because that's someone's name. One of these questions I was told, but I didn't look at it, so I don't know which one I'm supposed to be throwing the fake name on.

But anyway, it's okay. You know who you are. Yeah, whatever. I feel like without a name, no one will know. That's true. Long distance fuck buddies. Yay or nay? I have great phone sex with someone I've seen and met.

Seen once? Seen zero? I'm not sure what that. Seen something. I met a line and they are in a different country. He wants to meet in person, but I'm not sure I want to ruin a good thing. There's a lot of pressure to put on one meeting, no? Yeah.

Yeah. There's a lot of pressure, but at the same time no yeah yeah there's a lot of pressure but at the same time if you guys are bonding and like able to have good phone sex and shit it's like presumably the real sex will be better maybe maybe not maybe not that's you know but it's like if it goes well you're not gonna ruin it you'll probably make it better it would be weird to be like nah nope i don't think so keep you phone boy or phone girl I guess it depends on like if they are permanently in another country

then that's fine and just be like oh it would be hard to for whatever reason come down or even just I don't think there's any harm in being honest with someone and saying hi I really like what we have going on here,

and I want to kind of keep it at that. That's fair. I don't think there's any harm in that. I don't think you should be afraid of it. And if they're weird about it, fuck them. And if they're cool about it, great. But, like, I don't know. For me, I think in that situation,

I would want to know what it's like in person. And if you don't, that's fine. Yes. If you don't, that's fine. Like, if you definitely don't want to do this, I think for sure what Dane said, be like, hey, I love what we have. Don't want to change it. Don't want to ruin it.

And if they can appreciate that, great. If they can't, it was never going to work out long term anyway, right? Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't know. And I think that goes for, like, every relationship, right? I think if you are seeing someone and all of a sudden they're like i would like to do this i would like to become exclusive um happy birthday happy fucking birthday have a fucking great night uh they're not leaving because of us they have a prior engagement i promise

um yeah i think any any, if you are in a relationship and if it's a fuck buddy situation and you are like- Like right now, on this stage. Right here. In this room. Thank you very much. And they were like,

oh, hey, actually, I want to start seeing you. You aren't obligated to be like, okay, I guess we're dating now. No, you can say, oh, actually, I would prefer to keep it this way. Yeah. And if they were like, you can say, oh, actually, I would prefer to keep it this way. And if they're like, oh, okay, well, actually, I'm looking for something else,

then you go your separate ways. It's the same way if someone's like, hey, let's open our relationship, and you don't want that. And they're like, well, I don't want to continue your relationship then. You're both in the right to have your boundaries and what you want. It doesn't have to be one way or the other. And it doesn't make either one of you a bad person. So for staying true to what you want. 100%. So if that's not what you want, it doesn't have to be and it doesn't make either one of you a bad person so for staying true to what you want 100 so if that's not what you want great don't do it

you don't have to and like keep that cool fucking sexy long distance thing going i love it yeah um but i would say i i also think there's a benefit to taking risks yeah i think putting yourself outside of your comfort zone and taking a chance on people is also worth it. So I think you just really have to weigh the pros and cons. If you think that you might not work under pressure or you might fold under pressure and you don't benefit greatly to being like, oh, this is a lot of pressure to be put on me and that doesn't work for you, then, like, you know it. Like, don't do it. You know you and you know how it's going to go more than we do. But again, I don't know.

I feel like if you have that much chemistry long distance, and again, if they're never going to come and move where you are, you could just have a wild one night stand. It's like a holiday romance. You know what I mean? If you know it's going to be brief and beautiful, that can be great. But again, if that's not what you're into, it doesn't matter. You don't have to be like, oh, I think they want X or Y.

It doesn't matter what they want. It matters what you want and what they want. And you should each do what you want to do. One more, yeah? We do got one more. Perfect. Can guys ever just let the woman come and not finish themselves? I always feel like I have to finish the job.

They exist. I can tell you personally. I think we should strive as sexual units to try to finish each other mutually. Yes. I think we should strive to reach parity on a sexual satisfaction level. But I think there's also something really fun about being like, I have

15 minutes in the morning. I'm going to go down on you, make you come, and then go to work. I think there's something fun about that. There definitely is. There's fun about asymmetrical pleasure if that isn't the sole... if it's consensual too though you know what i mean if it's not just like i wake up and it's like hey make me come bye yes i

yes i'm i'm more from a standpoint of like gifting yes yes and that's the thing hey if you want to be like hey this is about you wonderful i feel like this question isn't that. No. Yeah. I don't know. Like, obviously, we always want people to come mutually. Unfortunately, the orgasm gap exists, and women don't often have the privilege of that, which it shouldn't be a privilege. It should be a fucking way of life. Um, so I do understand kind of like if you've lived this experience where you've often been left by the wayside, it then sucks that you are the one who always has to keep doing that. Yeah. But at the same time, it's like, if you're in a relationship with a partner that cares

about your pleasure, you should care about theirs too. So unless it's a certain circumstance, I don't see why you shouldn't both get each other off. Yeah. And like I said, there's something to be said. There is fun to be had with asymmetrical pleasure. Yeah. But as long as it isn't consistent.

If it is consistent, if it is always one-sided or skewed to one side, then I understand that leads less playful and more frustration. For sure. For sure. I get that. And I think you need to have a conversation with your partner as pretty much every answer is and maybe talk about it and be like,

you know, sometimes when you go down on me and you make me cum or for whatever reason, sometimes when you make me cum, I want to tap out. Yeah, like I'm done. I want to languish in my bed. Yeah. I want to enjoy it. And like, yeah, that's the thing. I want to put in cave Yeah, like I'm done. I want to languish in my bed. Yeah.

I want to enjoy it. And like, yeah, that's the thing. I want to put in caveats. We're like, there are times like, if you guys fucked an hour ago and then you're fucking a second time and he's just taking forever, it's like, you should be allowed to be like,

look, I'm sorry. I'm out. My fucking wrist is sore. My mouth is sore. My vagina is sore. My back is sore. It's too hot in here. I'm too sweaty.

I need a glass of water. Like, these are all fine things. You know what I i mean you should never be beholden to doing this but like if there aren't caveats if it's just like you want to be selfish for a moment then i feel like you need to talk about that you know i don't think it's fair to just be like nah fuck you yeah i think and like i said i think there is a lot of a lot of fun and a lot of potential to be like, hey, today, would it be cool if it's all about me? Yeah. That's great. I think that, and I'm speaking right now in my woman voice.

I think women should be allowed to request days where they are the center. Yes, I think men need that a little bit less. I don't think dudes really are hurting on the about me side of things. Not to say that you can't. I am all for a day where I am pampered and really taken care of. But I think it's also very important that after that is done, you set a date in the very near future to reciprocate. Yes, 100%.

But I also don't think, I think it's empowering, and I encourage women especially to make those stances and to approach your partner and be like, hey, would it be cool if today it's about me and we just focus on my pleasure? Or even just like right now, not even a full day. It could just be this session it could be you know i think there is a very very good uh litmus test to be like oh does how how into my pleasure is my partner yeah because if if a partner asked me for that i would be ecstatic i would be like hell yeah let's go let's do it that's that's great and i think

and i think you know we we can revert back to this sort of like andrew tate beta bullshit of i think there are some guys who have been socialized and and raised to think that like maybe that's not how sex works yeah idiots and i don't think it's necessarily women's responsibility to teach them, but I think it is sort of a responsibility as a sexual partner to explain where you're coming from and what you want and why your needs are the way they are. And I think, hopefully, if your partner listens to you, you're going to find yourself, at the end of the day, with a much better sexual relationship.

100%. All right. Ready for a non-audience question. Don't worry. This person is safe. This is by Mouse Milf. Okay. My 25-year-old female boyfriend, 25-year-old male, keeps pooping himself?

Yeah, I know it's ridiculous. So basically, my boyfriend loves fart humor. And he does this thing where he times his farts for comedic effect, like to punctuate a sentence or fart an answer to a question. Who doesn't? I'll admit it works on me, but I think my positive reactions have encouraged him a little too much. And now he's trying to force farts when they shouldn't happen.

This has led to him pooping himself about five times in the past six weeks. That's almost once a week week that's a once a week standard y'all the first time it happened i had come home from running errands after work and i picked up a surprise for him nothing special just a pint of nice ice cream he was sitting naked in bed because he just showered i said something along the lines of i got something for you and he said well i got something for you lifted his legs and promptly shit on the bed he seemed mortified by it at first but over the next few days we kept joking about it until i think his embarrassment was completely overshadowed by how funny he thought it was about a week and a half later he tried to fart in

response to me asking what he thought about my choice for dinner that night and accidentally shit his pants since it had already happened, it was even easier to laugh off. Him pooping himself kind of became an inside joke between me and something I constantly made fun of him for. The third time it happened, I was like, okay, this is getting a little weird. I tried telling him he needs to trust

his farts less and he shouldn't try to force farts when they're not there. But I kept making jokes and laughing to the point where I guess the conversation did not seem that serious. And it just added to the ridiculousness of it. Anyway, he whipped himself two more times. Since then, and when it's not happening, I'm genuinely distressed. Every time we try to talk about it or how it happens, I can't stop laughing. And I'm starting to wonder if he's doing it on purpose for attention or to be funny. It's clear it's not an incontinence issue. Is it?

It only happens when he tries to force farts. I really want it to stop because rationally I know I should have more self-respect than to be with a man who was constantly pooping himself. How can I address this in a way that's serious while still being clear that I like his sense of humor? Edit. address this in a way that's serious while still being clear that i like his sense of humor edit stop assuming i am cleaning up and doing his laundry after these incidents he cleans up after himself poop or no poop just because a man has an immature sense of humor doesn't mean he's immature in other ways please people i was gonna start the show with this question. So I don't know if I made the right or wrong choice,

but the thing is you're fucking laughing every time. Why wouldn't you? Right. But that you don't hate this. If the first time he did it, you looked at him and you're like, what the fuck just happened? I would understand your

position to be like this is unacceptable but literally every like if we were up here and we made a joke about say coming in a backpack yeah we would make that joke and every time people laughed at it we would make that joke again six times in 50 minutes exactly Exactly. So I don't, like, you can't be like, I want him to stop shitting himself. No, I think you can. But if you find it fucking funny, do you really want him to stop? See, look, let's get this out of the way. This guy is an incredible partner. He's committed to the bit.

He will do anything for you to laugh he will shit himself weekly just so you smile if you don't want him at his shitting his pantsness you don't deserve him at his clean pantsness that's my favorite quote can we make that the episode title? I'm going to get it tattooed on me. It'd be so long. It's really hard for me to be like, yeah, you need to sit him down and tell him to stop shitting his pants. Maybe sit him on the toilet first. Because at the end of the day, you laugh every fucking time. And when you try to tell him no baby please stop

shitting your pants you're laughing again because you realize how fucking funny it is i think it's like when you're tickling someone and they're like stop and they're laughing and you're like i gotta keep going this is hilarious but no one wants it i guess no one wants to be tickled no i suppose not so my fear is that so we've had questions on the podcast before of people like i went on a hike with this amazing guy and i fucking pissed myself halfway and it was awful and he gave me his hoodie and i wrapped it around myself and i'm so embarrassed i can never talk to him again this is the complete fucking opposite of that where like he shit himself and then you know when you break the ice who knew there was even deeper ice way further down? And he's gone all the way through, and now this man has no shame.

Like, he's too powerful. He's too fucking powerful. It's like, I wish he was like, oh, no, like, I'm ashamed. He would write in and be like, yeah, I did it, and I'll do it again. I'll do it again. I'll do it fucking weekly. And it's like, you know, most crimes, they start to pick up in terms of like, you know, it's one bank, and then it's five banks. It's weekly for now.

It escalates. Thank you. It's like serial killers. They start on like animals. Then all of a sudden, it's like fucking hitchhikers. I don't know. But either way, this needs to stop. Does it, though?

Does it, though? I don't know. My guess, should a grown man be shitting himself on a weekly basis? No. Should he? Does it though? I don't know My guess Should a grown man be shitting himself on a weekly basis? No Should he? Are you sure? We are not scientists

I don't know We can't say this for sure But we think they shouldn't I'm saying I wouldn't enjoy that But would you enjoy watching it? But If we flip it around If

Let's say Let's take poop out of the equation if this man was coming in backpacks if he came in a backpack or if if like you know he hid in the in a you know a closet and jumped out at you and scared you and then you laughed really hard and you're like you gotta stop scaring me but you thought it was fucking hilarious every time which does he need to stop so i think like imagine this scenario you sit him down maybe on a plastic sheet and you say hey how do you feel about this like how do you are you how are you because like he obviously cares about how

you feel so you're talking about how you feel especially if you can't communicate it because you keep laughing at his funny poopy butt but like if you just like hey how do you feel and he's like hey this is a hell i have to do this every week just to keep you as my partner you know i mean then it's like great we're on the same page it's like yes i giggle but i don't want this but if he's like i've never felt more free then you have a problem yeah it's like the story about the clown who's like you know the, the guy comes in and he's like, oh, I'm depressed. It's like, oh, go see, you know, Bubbles the Clown or whatever. He's like, oh, but I am Bubbles the Clown.

Damn. This is him. And then he shits himself. And then he shits himself. And the doctor laughs and he's like, damn it, I've done it again. You don't want to know what they call them, bubbles. Come on. We're better than that.

Are we? No. Okay, yes. I think it really has to come down to a conversation and whether you're laughing or not you can be like look it's fucking funny that you shit yourself and i will acknowledge this and it makes me laugh but i i don't think this is a sustainable way to proceed with our relationship i do not think i think at some point has it always been on the bed like or has it been like on the cat no it does matter you can't watch couch cushions easily okay yes where the poop is does matter but what i'm saying is eventually this man's gonna hurt himself i'm sure he already has we're not all locked and loaded at all times

so eventually at some point in time he's going to try to make something happen and it's... Something's going to happen that he doesn't want. Something will happen. It just will not be the unintended effect that is funny. Yeah. It'll be the unintended effect

that goes to hospital. So yes, you need to say, look, we've... Just ask him. Ask him, hey, are you good with this? Yes. And if he's like, no, I fucking hate this. Be like, cool, me too. Great, no more shit. Yes. If he's like no i fucking hate this be like cool me too great no more shit yes if he's like no this is rad you're like cool i need to go date somebody who doesn't regularly defecate on my belongings but does she want that i she did

ask the question i love how a big part of the question is i just i still won't know if i'm very funny though it's like i that's the problem the thing i really part of the question is, I still won't know if I'm very funny, though. It's like, that's the problem. The thing I really like about this question is her defending him at the end, being like, he's a mature man. He can shit himself, but he cleans up after himself. So how dare you talk about my boyfriend like that, you fucking degenerate? Just because he's walking around in a fucking, you know, heavy pants doesn't mean that he's not going to fucking take the trash out

at the end of the week. We've had to multiply the amount of sheets we own by ten, but other than that, he's fine. Yeah. I'm saying if it's if it's, if everything else is okay, you have to put his

soiled pants on the scale. And if it balances out, you're good. And I really think it comes down to that. I think that if those pants tip the scale and all of a sudden you're not in a balanced relationship because the amount he's shitting himself. Weekly. Weekly. Like, it all comes down to that. It all comes down to is this an acceptable amount of

shit in your relationship how about you shit yourself if you think it's funny do it i'm not not no does he think it's funny because what if you shit yourself and it's like you know guys fart and then their girlfriend farts and they're like whoa oh yeah you don't do that whoa whoa whoa what the fuck was that sarah women don't fart shit, but they do love when I shit myself. Love it. So I think retaliatory poop, but he might love that. I feel like he would. It's a nightmare scenario.

You are in a sort of like cyclical fashion of just shit. So talk to him. If he doesn't like it, please encourage him to stop. And if he does like it, get a new boyfriend. If you guys both like it, it's Yeah. So talk to him. If he doesn't like it, please encourage him to stop. And if he does like it, get a new boyfriend. If you guys both like it, it's fine. Yes. We got a poop fan in the back. Yeah, right. We've got one last audience question,

and I think that's going to take us out for the night. This is Agent Tornado. I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and everything is great. We have a satisfying sex life. But she shits herself. No. Spend a lot of quality time together,

but still have time for our individual interests and friends. We're thinking of moving in together, but one thing has always bothered me. Whenever she gives me a blowjob, she actually blows on it. Don't get me wrong. She still gives great head and at the end makes me cum every time. But does my 34-year-old girlfriend think a blowjob actually involves blowing?

Does it say how long they've been dating? Almost a year. Over a year. And you haven't mentioned it yet? Maybe do that. Maybe mention it? Maybe it's a joke. Maybe she's like, oh oh maybe i shouldn't blow

into the mic i don't know do you guys like that uh maybe it's like haha and you've never laughed it's the opposite of the shit she's doing it because you've never laughed not she has to do it because you did laugh i'll break you eventually yeah i'll do that i'll repeat the joke until it's funny um i know so i don't just be like hey why are you doing that because in my mind it's funny. I know. So I'll just be like hey why are you doing that? Because in my mind it's like a quick blow and he says she gives good head so presumably it then transitions into actual head. Yes. So is it a joke or she like wait it doesn't work until okay good. Yeah it's kind of like a mic check. Yeah. Just sort of like a check one two. Maybe you have really linty underwear, and there's just a little bit on there.

Is she blowing a pube off? Yeah. Here's what I think happened, and let's work through it together. I think one of the first times she gave you a blowjob, she probably did that for whatever reason. And you probably, either intentionally or subconsciously, made a noise. Did something that implied...

What if it was like a... But she took it as a... Yeah. Right? It was... There was M's and H's involved, but in what order, we're not sure. Maybe she's dyslexic right so maybe the first time this happened she she pulled this maneuver again for whatever reason i don't know if it was you know her special move man i really need to know how long she blows

of her though and at what force and from what distance yeah and if it happens multiple times i need to know all these things though Because what if it's like Little suck little Like what if it's repeated But if it makes you come And you think it's great Again we're back to the poop fallacy

Does it matter If she's getting you there And you're like hey the head is great She just has to every now and then Exel the air from her lungs upon my penis. What does it matter? I wouldn't give a shit. Maybe she's air drying it so she can get it, you know, slick with spit again. Yeah.

Right? Like if, yes. Like I don't think it matters if the end result is. Great head. Great head. Also, you could just be like, you don't need to matters if the end result is great head. Great head. Also, you could just be like, you don't need to do that bit. That's okay. That bit? Thank you.

That bit is cool. No thanks. Yeah, that's all right. We can skip that. Easy. Yeah. Pretend like you have the click remote from the movie, Adam Sandler movie, Click. And when she does it, be like, fast forward. Just say, no, thank you.

No, thanks. Very politely. Yeah. Just say, no, you don't need to do that bit. And like, I will say, if for some poor reason, this poor woman has been mistaken, it happens to the best of us. We've all done some dumb shit.

It's fine. Like, be kind. Don't rub it in you know what i mean because that's a surefire way to tank your entire relationship and never get a blow job again you know by all means a little gentle tease i think can help people get over it don't go as far as the poop thing where it now becomes a she's just gonna blow on don't do that you don't want that but like don't be mean i also people can make mistakes and this could be a very funny story you can talk about your wedding so fucking cute your parents will love it yeah

i i think it's really really cute right like at the end of the day i think it's adorable it's endearing and i don't think if you guys are close there's nothing better being able to laugh about sex for sure and i don't think there is any harm in being like babe i've got to ask you what you you tend to blow on my dick and i just like i just don't know why and like i have nothing against the like again i want to reiterate head game strong and you should reinforce that part yeah really. Really make it a compliment sandwich. Be like, you are incredible at going down on me. Why do you blow on it though?

Also, it was great. Yeah. Like really just slip it in there. Not also the blowing on it was great. Don't mix that one up. Yes. And just be like,

just like ask why. Just be like, why? Why? Why that bit? Why that? Why that bit though? And I think if she be like, just like ask why. Just be like, why? Why? Why? Why that bit? Why that? Why that bit though? And I think if she's like, I almost guarantee you she's going to say something along the

lines of like, I thought you liked it. Yeah. I thought you did something at some point in time that I thought you enjoyed that. And that's why I did it. And I think you'll have a laugh. You'll have a giggle. And then every now and then when you guys are feeling silly she will be going down on you and she'll give you a little

and it'll be great you'll laugh your ass off it'll be great and then you can shit yourself and she'll laugh too it all works out as long as everyone's laughing at the end of the day it's been good sex who cares do you want one more question?

We don't have time, right? No, we don't have time. That is us. Okay, we'll save that one for next month, because I'm not going to lie. It's up there with the poop one. So I don't know if that's either a relief or a disappointment for you all. So at the end of the episode, we thank you guys. So thank you.

This has been fucking great. But we also delve into Tinders. We have a red flag series where we go through some Tinder profiles. We point out what is great or not so great about them in the effort to make your online dating experiences a little bit better.

We also then delve into bad sex writing, and I'm just going to apologize in advance. Do we want to skip right to bad sex writing? How many Tinder's you got? I got four. Okay, let's do your four. We'll go through the Tinder's, and then we'll do some bad sex writing how many tinders you got i got four okay let's do let's do your four we'll go through the tinders and then we'll do some bad sex writing okay well i'm gonna i'm gonna need audience reaction on this one right so by the end of it usually we do a score out of

10 we're just gonna do thumbs up thumbs down it's really upsetting because usually i can't see what you have but i do see that this man is a man, which is never a good sign. No. Just in general for Tinder, just like the second I see a man's name, I'm like, fuck me. Here we go. Hey, you're right. Shocking. So the good thing is Chris has made us a

red flag list. So our red flag series is going to be easy. Wait, before we do this, let's change things up a little bit. Can I guess red flags? Okay. Can I guess a few of them? I'm going to guess you have kids. Okay. There's 20. So you can guess. Let's see if I can guess four kids. Yes. Kind of. Yes. I'm going to say if you, any sort of weight issue. Like not working out. Yep.

Cool. Vaccination status. Yes. Shocking. All right. One more. Damn, you're going three for three right now. You know what?

We're going to swing wide here. I'm going to say hair color. Are you ready yes you're completely right uh this is chris he's 40 uh about me red flag list cottage cheese ass bpds slash no head meds is a must. Pet moms. Libby's or rainbow sympathizers. Kool-Aid colored hair. Beached whales.

More than two piercings. Mustaches. Pronouns. Fake accounts. Cam girls. I love that people upset about pronouns just don't understand what pronouns are. We've all got them. We do. We really do. We've all got them. We do.

We really do. That's how grammar works. Yeah. Tattoos. Feminist. PhDs or social workers. Daddy issues. Must know.

Body counts matter. Single moms. But parents are fine. What does that mean? I'll fuck you if you have a husband but if you've broken up with him you're not good enough for me what uh pro-choice can't have that technical virgins that's a red flag what does that mean you know what i'm actually not against it because if someone was like i'm a technical virgin i be like, what the fuck are you talking about? So, you know what, Chris?

I'm going to give you one. No jibby jabbers, which I assume is a vaccine. I assume that's vaccination for sure. No Me Too, no BLM, no Antifa. B-cups are under? Nope. And if you're anti-guns, fuck, Chris won't date you. So, thumbs up, thumbs down.

Let's see them. We see a lot of... If anyone butts a thumb up, I am escorting you out. Just a heads up. We got a hard thumbs down crowd. We love it. Okay, we got a good crowd here. I'm glad.

Should I keep going? God, imagine the nightmare scenario where everyone was just like, love it. I'd be out that window. This is Martin, 32. He's an engineer at life. I can do way more for you than you can ever do for me. Humble yourself entirely. Pretty much hopeless at this point.

The internet has brainwashed you. I'm single because I didn't fall apart in my 20s. But now I'm stuck to pick from the leftovers. America has failed its men. We deserve better than whores and delusional single mothers. So the entire world sees that the female brain falls apart if not being led by a man. You have no awareness, no self-control. Children. Is that a shruggy emoji at the end? It is a shruggy, sorry, and then a shrugging emoji, so. Just like, imagine going on that tie, right?

And just being like, huh. I don't even think I need to look at the audience for that one. So that was two men. We got a woman right here, no name. You should see the rhinestones i have glued to my piss slit somebody wants me to repeat that you should see the rhinestones i have glued to my piss slit we got one thumbs up i've got one thumbs up you know what i'm not entirely angry at it either. It gets the people going. It's evocative.

It gives me a lot of energy. There's enough there where I'm like... So here's the thing. I used to date a burlesque dancer. And I know how fucking sharp rhinestones are. I don't want that near anything sensitive on you. Such as a piss slit. And certainly don't want to sort of put my dick

anywhere near or in between what is essentially a cheese grater you can buy at Dollarama. So it's going to be a no from me. All right, so we got the last one here. Also nameless, also a 1. 23. To the guys over 25, I work a stable job, and I have my own place.

To the guys under 25, I love Star Wars, and I have a fat ass. Finally someone that gets me. I like it. Well done. Nameless lady, you did good. That's going to do it, friends. Thank you very much for coming out and hanging out with us on a Thursday night. It means a lot to us.

I didn't say it before, but you're all cute as hell. You're all looking real cute. We couldn't have asked for a better crowd. We really couldn't. We're doing this every third Thursday so we're gonna be here next month

March 16th the 16th once again the day before St. Patrick's Day the day before you're all gonna go and have

horrible drunken mistake sex we can give you advice on how to make sure you either don't do that or do it well or do it well

or terribly who knows? Yeah, whatever you want. We're here for you. So please, please come. Please send your friends. Tell your friends. If you have a friend who's constantly talking about how- He comes in backpacks or shits himself

to make his girlfriend laugh. Yeah, any of those things. Or just anyone who seems genuinely hopeless at- Or people who are chill because you guys are all fucking cool. So we're good with that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, we love you guys.

Please come, send people, do both. Yes, we would love to see you again. We'd love to see your friends. We would just like to do this again for you. Yes. So thank you very much. It means the world to us that you're here. Thank you to everyone who asked questions

or sent in questions. They were good fucking questions too, I gotta say. We do this show every Monday. We do it every Monday. It's free. It's on every podcast app ever. If you didn't hate this, maybe check it out.

Leave us a review. We got a Patreon. We got a bunch of shit. We love you guys. Check us out. You can find us pretty much anywhere. Sometimes you gotta do F star CK buddies because people don't like the mean words. There's cards on every fucking table. I'm not going to say that part, but I am going to ruin everyone's night. Is everyone ready? Yes.

At the end of the episode, Niall really likes to drive home. Do I like to? Just a nightmare sort of series of words that upset me for a very long time in the terms of bad sex writing sometimes it is fan fiction sometimes it is well-established authors that people like talk about how great they are but just i guess don't understand how women work usually yeah and sometimes there's women too who just i don't know what the fuck they're doing uh so this is fan fiction that I did find roaming the internet. I'm going to explain one of the characters, because I didn't know who they were.

It is someone from Death Note called Mello. I know at least one person here knows who that is. The other one, everyone will know. So I can only ask one thing, and that's everyone get comfortable. Yeah. You comfortable? You all comfortable? Let's get comfortable.

Everybody? I want to see a little show. Oh, dear. And also, I'm sorry. Yeah, you comfortable y'all comfortable. Let's get comfortable everybody. I want to see a little little show. Oh dear and Also, I'm sorry Mellow couldn't remember how he'd gotten to where he was and there was a bad bad sign as were her surroundings What he saw around him was completely and totally insane his first thought was shit I've been drugged the second thought was he wouldn't need to drug me He just write down that I'd have bizarre hallucinations and die at the end

After he'd had his laugh And his third thought was I didn't expect Tetris blocks would have such an odd texture Because there was no doubt about where he was He was inside a Tetris game Stretched out on a series of shaped blocks that were soft, firm And oddly slippery all at once Each Tetris block was roughly the size of a person.

Mello was watching another Tetris block descend in jerky motions, twisting above him as it constantly repositioned itself, glowing a soft blue. He laughed, laying there, wondering if anything was worth it anymore, his indecisive mind refusing to even contemplate getting out of the way of the descending blue block, which would soon land directly on top of him. And then, to his surprise, despite the feeling of utter indifference that still pervaded his whole body, he tasted salty tears. He ran his tongue around his lips and savored the taste carefully, as if he were investigating a new kind of gourmet chocolate bar. Just then, the blue Tetris block landed on him, squirming on top of him trying to dislodge him

from the cozy hollow he was draped in between an orange block and a purple block mellow kicked viciously at it and said fuck you man i like this place let me die in peace you fucking fucker as if the block had understand i'm sorry as if the block had understood but disapproved, it only became much more vigorous in its efforts, grinding against Mello in the most annoying way. He kicked again, with boat legs at once, and abruptly realized his boots were now missing. As his bare feet connected with the softly glowing, strangely slippery blue block,

a split second later he realized it wasn't just his boots. All his clothing had somehow dissolved or poofed out of existence. And then that block grinding against him was beginning to feel really good. Warm tingles gathering in his crotch area as his breathing sped up. But then he realized he just didn't care. He did not fucking care. He just wanted to get off, to relieve the stress, to have something that was mindless pleasure for once, and not to think about it. He grabbed the block in both hands,

and he tried to rub against it, enjoying the slick friction, feeling himself hardening, developing a throbbing need beneath his legs, arching up into the block. This is Tetris. But the block was unruly. It struggled, slipping out of his grasp and still trying to shove him out of his nook by sheer force. It knocked him off balance, and before he could regain it, the blue block roughly shoved him forward against the orange block.

His legs caught in the gap between blocks and his ass up in the air. The blue block forced him down, rubbing against his back and his butt and the backside of his legs. Somehow it was even better this way. The orange block was underneath and in front of him and had that same delectable texture for him to rut himself against. And at the same time, the blue block was invading him from behind as he attempted to ooze into every gap and crack to fill it up. Mellow felt the slippery, soft yet firm texture gently penetrating him from behind, tentative and exquisite, almost like a pair of lips on a tongue. It was spreading him,

rubbing and rocking, beginning to lick him deep inside. He wanted it. He could feel everything opening down there, accepting this thing inside him. He wanted it to explore far inside, to completely invade him. And it was going so deep, warm and wet and wriggling inside him, touching a place that only made him want it more and made him sweat and rock desperately and whine as he felt his approaching climax building to an incredible crescendo. A tight, hot heat driving relentlessly upward as his hypersensitive insides were penetrated again and again by this inanimate block. He pressed his face into the orange block and let out a cry as he released a series of hot spurts, waves of pleasure moving through his entire body, giddy, as if all his frustration from the weeks

upon weeks of boring stakeouts and mind-numbing sleep deprivation simply snapped at that moment and was flowing out of him entirely, being replaced by a warm afterglow. So romantic. Have I been playing Tetris for him? Clearly. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. And we've been your fuck buddies. Thank you.