F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 24 - Dad Debacle

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

I know it's not Halloween, but this Momo challenge has got us spooked!  Take your mind off of that wide-eyed monster and educate yourself with this week's hot offerings of dating and sex advice with frequent and lengthy trips to Tangent Town.  Trigger warning to rat fans, things get a bit heated in this episode.  Topics include seeking more from a one night stand, faking it, cute kitties and stupid rats, cavernous vaginas, the juiciest dad dilemma and how to get laid RIGHT NOW.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Miles Bain, and we are your fuck buddies Welcome back Um, I'm gonna be really

somber this episode oh fuck because here's the thing oh oh here we go yeah I'm also gonna be really somber cheers um I guess it's not gonna seem like that at first because I want to talk about something that has nothing to do with anything uh but we're dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. We sex questions. Have you seen this Momo thing? I just saw it on the way in here. I didn't really get to read it, though.

But isn't it fake? Have you seen the picture? It's terrifying. It's the scariest fucking thing. Yeah. And, like, yeah, there's, like, yes, I think it's a hoax but also like it might not be well did you did you hear the thing about a while ago fuck it was like called hey katherine or hey charlotte or whatever and there was this game that was similar to this but apparently it was like a pedophile tracking ring oh yeah it was

like the pink cat and the cat would ask you questions yes and apparently there are all these really fucking sinister cases of the cat being like, is your kid sister in the room? Like, and it was again, I think it was a hoax, but it was fucking terrifying. But like they did it right. These mystery people, because you see this pink cute cat and you're like, sure, I'll listen to it. And this fucking thing popped up and asked me anything.

I'd be like, nah, B, I don't give a fuck. Like you're terrifying. I'm literally thinking about it right now and I me anything. I'd be like, nah, B. I don't give a fuck. Like, you're terrifying. I'm literally thinking about it right now, and I'm getting chills. Because it's, like, if you, I mean, don't. Don't fucking look it up, because it'll scar you forever. I've seen it. No, I mean, like, I'm telling our listeners to not look it up. The best way to describe it would be, like, take the girl from the ring.

And then take her eyelids. And then, like, yeah, and then combine her with like oh fucking hell um and then like combine her with like a real if tim burton could make a real person yep um it is fucking terrifying and then like mix it with anime like mix it with like like a fucking princess mononoke kind of bullshit and like that's that's what it is it's the fucking scariest fucking thing and like it's it's what it is it's the fucking scariest fucking thing and like it's it's so upsetting and apparently like the whole reason they can't fucking track it is uh because it's like it's not videos it's an ad campaign so it'll show up like people will be watching like paw patrol videos and then there'll be like an ad mid-roll where this thing will pop up and be like

hey go to the kitchen get a knife and put it in your neck and then it would just be over so like it's terrifying so kids would just be like what the fuck just happened um and it's like and you you could watch that video like eight more times and it might not pop up again um and it probably won't because you've already watched that video i'm pretty sure it's a hoax though um that's that i'm i fucking hope it is but like there's a japanese company who's like no yeah no we made this character well so apparently it's actually a it gets a cyberbullying thing where users are enticed to contact a user named momo and they receive graphic threats and are instructed to perform a series of dangerous tasks but like for me if i wanted to be an evil

fucker and get kids to do shit i wouldn't make it terrifying I'd make it like friendly and be like oh yeah I'll put this knife in my neck yeah but I don't know maybe you fucked up like they're trying something new maybe they're branching out but also like okay I don't know if if that thing came up like it's such it's so psychologically shocking that like it's gonna stick with me oh so what happens is it's messages being hidden in seemingly child-friendly games and videos that urge children to contact Momo via Snapchat, WhatsApp, or other popular messaging programs. Oh, no. Apparently Momo's been popping up on Minecraft as well, like, following people on it.

Isn't that terrifying? And then it basically says shit to kids, and's like not like oh go do this it's like if you don't do this worse things will happen to your family yeah yeah so it threatens them okay don't tell your parents because then i'll like i'll kill them um yeah so i know this has nothing to do with anything i just like really hope there are no children listening i just needed to like talk about it and get it out of my mind and hopefully although I'm worried

I've just like ring cursed everyone and now Momo's going to visit you guys. Momo's got a nice rack though. Yeah Momo's rocking some things. What the fuck?

But it just keeps popping up on my fucking Facebook and I hate it. Yeah it's pretty weird. And at first I was just like oh this is bullshit and then I realized

that I was scrolling faster past those pictures because it actually freaked the shit out of me. I will say I was looking at it and I was i was just like oh this is bullshit and then i realized that i was scrolling faster past those pictures because it actually freaked the shit i will say i was looking at and i was going to be like laughing i was about to laugh about it on the subway because like someone posted up about it and i was like but like i'd lost wi-fi so i was just stuck there and i was like yeah oh god yeah it's it's increasingly unnerving. All right, let's answer some questions. No. This is our online bullying swipe. We're going to go through all the online bullying.

Or are we actually Momo? If you rearrange the letters of fuck buddies, you can spell Momo. Go to the kitchen and eat stale bread. You botster. Do we start with our big boy question? Let's do it. I'm not sure if it's endearing or creepy that you're calling him a big boy, but all right. Are you just differentiating from people who might be targeted by Momo and people who aren't?

Yes. You're a big boy if you don't get those ads. How? He might watch Paw Patrol. You don't fucking know. This one is coming from Agent Cody Wanks. Yeah, boy. He's back.

He's back. He's back. In business. And he's got a new predicament. Pop, pop, pop. I don't know. I'm just firing air guns. I thought you were, like, pointing at me.

Nope. To correct me. Agent Cody Wanks asks, it was my best friend's birthday this weekend and I hooked up with one of her friends. A group of us went to a club in London and I ended up kissing this girl and ended up back at her place. Uh, it wasn't like the usual hookup.

I usually find myself in where you just bang and go to sleep and that we basically stayed up all night and talk to load to each other as well as dicking slash clitting each other down into the mattress. Also, I'm so happy that this is a thing that people are using to talk to us. Cody wanks, you never disappoint. Yes, I hope this catches on. And better.

Everywhere. We woke up the next day, banged once more for good measure, and spent a few hours just being hungover in bed together. I gave her my number and left her later that afternoon. She texted me that evening, and we've been texting each other ever since. My predicament is that I like her, which I know may be too soon to say, but I would like to see her again for sure.

How can you tell if someone is actually into you or they just saw you as a hookup and don't want to see you again? I mean, like, I think she's into you because, like, if it was a one and done, she wouldn't keep texting you? Yeah, the fact that she was the one to text first and the fact that you guys are

still texting totally good um all good signs yeah uh for me i think like one of the really important things is like i've seen situations like this and i've been in situations like this where yeah you still remain friendly but like if you go too long without like mentioning or acknowledging what happens sometimes it gets weird to get back there you know what i mean so like for me it's always good to drop a like hey the other night was like really really fun like we should do it again or something like that you know see i find the i find i get in the opposite direction where it's like hey we fucked yeah we're like i i slip almost immediately into just sort of like this is a fuck buddy situation and like don't really

progress any sort of like emotional attachment. At least I used to, you know what I mean? Like that was, that was sort of my default. And I had a bunch of girls call me out on it where they were just like, yeah, you kind of like went from,

you kind of skipped the, the courting aspect of like getting into a fuck buddy situation. They're like, I'm down with it. But like we, we fucked once and i kind of need a little bit more substance before we just like uh you know become like this sort of casual fuck situation yeah i just think you definitely need like a balance of the both you know what i

mean but uh so just like keep up the friendliness you know what i mean but like definitely have that flirty edge and don't be afraid to be like hey that thing we did was awesome let's do it again there's no harm in being like I had a lot of fun last night and like maybe we can do it again

and then like if she's like yeah for sure be like cool are you free X day and be like

do you want to grab a drink beforehand you know what I mean because then like you've established that you want to maintain that sort of like

sexual relationship but if you also want to maintain that sort of sexual relationship. But you also... But if you also want to spend time with her, because it's very easy to, like I said, fall into that slump of just like the only time you guys ever really talk or see each other is when you want to hook up. Yeah. Which is, if you want what you want, great. You know what I mean? If that's the relationship you want. But if you actually like her, you might want to cultivate something a little more substantial.

Yeah. Yeah. You can always be like, hey hey we should hang out with clothes on sometime yeah and yeah there's no problem like being like you know funny about it and like brash about it um and yeah it's like just if you make plans to like hook up maybe make plans to like go do something before or after be like you know what i mean like if it's sort of like an early evening booty call be like have have something in your back pocket be like oh there's a band that i like playing down the road or there's like just a beer but like yeah do you want to grab a beer like beforehand or something yeah you know or if there's like a really yeah anything you know i mean like go and grab some fucking gross greasy food if if that's like or like well that maybe after yeah that's what i mean yeah yeah um and then And then, like, vice versa.

It's like if you were planning on meeting up, like, later, be like, oh, well, you round, like, to grab a drink beforehand. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's always good. And also, like, if there's, you know, if there's something you guys have already talked about, like, let's say you're both like, oh, the Umbrella Academy looks good. If you guys are done fucking and, like, lying there in that beautiful state of like torpor you can just be like hey let's throw an umbrella academy true yeah and then like then you guys have a thing yeah i mean then you then it's like because like the good thing is like an umbrella academy like

it goes handed oh it's the best yeah but like you're probably already like pretty far down because like i always find those chats like when you're staying up like late and like your sleep like i always find like barriers come down when you're naked or when you've just fucked, you know what I mean? So you tend to have deeper conversations than like, or at least more meaningful ones than like just in general. Yeah. Cause you're not worried about trying to get laid.

Cause you just got laid. So like now you can actually talk. There's none of that pretense of being like, Oh, I hope I don't say the wrong thing. I hope you don't blow it out. It's like, you've already blown it. Yeah. Literally. And you're also like more relaxed because you know you just fucked and also

i do feel like there is like the lit like by bearing yourself literally it's a lot easier to bear yourself like psychologically like people are usually like more genuine and shit so you guys probably already connected on a fairly good level so like and you've already fucked so you're already in this pretty good state so just like you know yeah the the like you've already got a fairly good level. So, like, and you've already fucked, so you're already in this pretty good state. So just, like, you know. Yeah, the, like, you've already got a really good hand to play here. Yeah. You've got a lot of aces.

Yeah, coast that wave. Yeah, for sure. Just fucking go for it. Yeah. There's, like, all the signs, again, I've mentioned it before, it's like she has had sex with you and she wants to keep in contact with you. Those are all really good things. Yeah. There's like all the science. Again, I've mentioned it before. It's like she has had sex with you and she wants to keep in contact with you. Those are all really good things. Yeah. And it's again, I'm going to reiterate because it's a message I do want to get across. It's like just because she has slept with you doesn't mean that she has, you know, she will always want to sleep with you or that is indicative of her always wanting to sleep with you. She's very, you know, what's the word I'm looking for? She's allowed to rescind that attraction at any point in time.

But if you have these things on the table where you have for sure's of like, she wanted to sleep with you, She wants to talk to you. Yeah. You can assume that like maybe there's a chance that she would want to sleep with you again and wants to continue to talk to you. It all seems, it seems about as good as it could be. Like I think the caveat you're saying is just like that's never 100%. And even if someone has slept with you a thousand times.

There's a thing. Yeah, but that's just a general. Because his question did include, he was like uh what do you ask you ask if some people just want to leave it because like that's that's an acceptable um i can't find the question for some reason oh it's uh he has because there is another part as well that's kind of important isn't there um he was like how do you know if someone wants to like just leave it as a one-night stand it's like women are 100 allowed to do that you know i mean like to, like, just leave it as a one-night stand? Yeah. It's like, women are 100% allowed to do that. You know what I mean?

Like, you, and guys, anyone is allowed to do this. Where if you want something more and they don't, then, like, respect that. Don't push it. If she is, just sort of like, oh, it was kind of like a one-and-done thing. For whatever reason. Maybe it's because she's like, you're a friend of my friend and I don't kind of want to muddle that up. Yeah. Or if she's just like, yeah, I don't really feel like doing it again.

Well, yeah. to muddle that up yeah or if she's just like yeah i don't really feel like doing it again well yeah so you do kind of bring up another part of the question that is mentioned a little later on is that i feel the other complex issue is that it's a friend of a friend doesn't this complicate a little too yeah um i guess depends what your relationship to this friend is and like them as a person you know what i mean and it also depends on the friend like they might have a girl code thing where they're like you you know what I mean? Like they might be, it's either going to be like better or worse. You know what I mean? It might be like, oh, fucking great.

I can vouch for this guy. He's a great guy. You know, everything's good. And like, she's going to know maybe more about you than somebody else because friends talk, right? Yeah. And there's, there's no harm in like asking, asking you know quote unquote permission from your friend to be like hey like i'm actually really into this are like are you cool with that you know what i mean and like and then hashing that out because there's nothing kind of shittier than being like you know your friend

especially if it goes south and sideways because then that friend is in a position of being like cool now i have to choose between i can't imagine why they would have an issue unless you guys have a history yeah you know um um and like that's the thing it's like your best friend who's a female like she could be a great wing woman oh yeah if you like casually mention that you like the girl or whatever like i had a really good time like she's awesome that's gonna find its way back to her yeah you know for sure um especially if they're sort of like close as well if it's just like a peripheral friend i would say fuck it yeah like you don't really need to worry about it but if like if they're sort of like on the same level as you in terms of friendship with her yeah like it's you know harm anything you say is probably gonna

get back to her which can be a good thing. Yeah. And, like, probably the same thing. So, like, if the friend is like, oh, yeah, you guys, like, should see each other again. Or, like, blah, blah. You can probably imagine she knows what's going on in the other camp and is, like, dropping some hints. And maybe your friend will be like, actually, you know what? She's kind of a train wreck. You know what I mean? Like, there might be a warning.

You know what I mean? Maybe she knows things that you don't. And, like, can you drop in some red flags for you? She could be like, just a heads up. She's right out of a relationship. So, and then that could color your approach or she might be like, oh no, she's great. Like, I think you guys will be super well together and cool, you know? Um, so I'd say like, do pay attention to that.

And like, if it is a thing for some reason, then fuck it. You know what I mean? Like that can happen, I guess. But, uh, I don't see why it would be unless you guys said history. Yeah. But that's always, you know, I'd say it's more of a resource than it is a complication. Absolutely. So good luck, Agent Cody Wanks.

You got this. Yeah, you got it. Okay, this one I really like. I really like this question. This is by G Suspended on Reddit. And he says, I'm taking girl out on a date she's a football fan we'll be attending a screening of Manchester United versus Liverpool I have zero knowledge of football which you can tell because he says a screening screening of it

I have zero knowledge of football but I want to be able to engage in conversation with her how should I approach my football research? What all should I know before the game? Here's what I would do. I'd go pick up the most recent coffee of... Coffee? Coffee. Copy of whatever fucking... Get a coffee.

Get caffeinated. I'm assuming you're talking about soccer because you said Manchester, right? Well, football. I mean, we're in North America So you'll call it fucking soccer Where they don't use a foot And it's not a ball Continue

Just saying Soccer Here That's what we call it That's what we call it in America Well Buy a fucking soccer video game And then just parrot back

What the commentators say Learn the like canned commentator fucking uh like expressions and anytime you see anyone do something that they they said when you did it in the video game just say that back what you need to do is watch what a glorious finish like oh what you do is be super fucking vague and say really obvious things like, oh, he's handling the ball. And then you say, it's a game of two halves. And you say, oh, it's from one end to the other. Yeah.

And just be like, it's all about possession. The longer you have the ball. Yeah. Be like, it's all about legs, legs, legs. Yeah. No hands. Literally. No hands, bruv.

Google or like YouTube search um the it crowd episode of this exact problem thing about liverpool they're always walking it in did you see that ludicrous display last night yeah just like also i don't think there's any harm like you're playing a dangerous game in in real advice okay real advice you're playing a very very dangerous game of pretending to know what the fuck you're talking about because eventually you're going to be like hanging out with her and her brothers and her dad and they're going to say something and you're going to be like yeah i really like the way that you know manuel it. And they're going to be like, what? It's going to be that scene from fucking 40-Year-Old Virgin

when Steve Carell's, like, trying to explain what a boob feels like. And everyone's going to be like, oh, you're a virgin. You've never touched a boob. And they're going to be like, you've never seen a soccer game before. That's the thing. Like, don't fucking research it. Don't pretend shit. Like, nobody gives a fuck.

Like, it's going to be a lot more fun for her to show up and inform you of something she's passionate about than it is for her to show up and you to be like, yeah, I know what a ball fudder does with his feet. Yeah. Like, he got in the hockey ring, circle, ball, goal. There's no way anyone in Europe would talk about hockey yeah but he's not from fucking europe is he i imagine he is i have no idea where he's from actually but i'd imagine some people over here are into football but either way like no you try to

research and bullshit that you know football it's completely gonna blow up in your face you're not gonna have fun because you're gonna spend so much time being like uptight and like trying to remember the bullshit phrases you learned off FIFA. I mean, I used to do this, excuse me, when I was really young about music. So if I found out a girl was into a certain band or a genre or whatever, I would try to submerge myself in that. I once watched a fucking hour and a half long live concert of Alanis Morissette because I knew the girl that I was into was into it. Let me tell you, I fucking hate Alanis Morissette.

I don't think of, I don't think I've done that. I'm sure I can tell you an example. And I remember my parents were just like, why are you watching this? You're like, no reason. I was like,

can you tape this for me? And they were like, yeah, but why? Um, and it was, it was stupid bullshit. Like,

like, and it was stupid bullshit. And it doesn't matter. It could be fucking football. It could be soccer. It could be music. It could be movies. It could be anything. If you're trying to pretend that you like something, it's going to go poorly.

Because one, you're either starting a relationship off immediately by lying to them. Two, they're going to catch you in that lie. And you're going to look like a dumbass. You're going to look like a fucking idiot. You're going to look more of an idiot. Than if you knew nothing about it. Because let me tell you, I sit, or I work at a bar, and the amount of times I've watched, it's usually guys,

make shit up to impress women. And then just scramble to keep it going. Yeah, because let me tell you, the number one thing that people do when they're making shit up is they feel like they need to keep qualifying the passing that they say and they will ramble you will begin to ramble and that is when people realize that you're absolutely speaking bullshit you also just like lose all charisma because you're like oh yeah no like yeah because the only thing you're trying to do is like hope that you don't fucking yeah you know reveal yourself as the fraud that you are and instead of like opening up and like engaging you kind of like tighten up and like retaliate you know what

i mean like you wait for them to say something and then you were like i prove it this way yes fuck it like and also have you ever hung out with somebody who's you know not been as big of a fan of something as you are and you get to be like no look at this this is cool i like this and like listen to this song or like watch this fucking show like this episode's amazing like that's cool that's great for you because you get to expound upon your passion and like you just get to fucking learn that's the only way you should learn about football is through her yeah like literally talk to her and be like like if you show up and you're like i'm not gonna lie i basically know nothing about football so you're gonna fucking let me know what's going on it's gonna be great because she's gonna be like oh this guy he's like my

favorite player uh watch like he does this thing oh and you'll be like oh fucking cool she's gonna feel great because she gets to like you know open up and also be kind of like i don't know like impressive and like she's the one with the knowledge you're the one who's just like learning from her like people are gonna fucking love that yeah and then you don't seem like a fucking dumbass also there's nothing more confident than like admitting you don't know something because this is the thing it's like because it's like i don't know where no woman has ever, ever, ever fucking said.

And I know that's a grand statement, but I will tell you right now, I'm, I'm putting my foot down and I'm saying it. No woman has ever been like, you know what? I really like in a man being a fraud. Like that's not an attract.

No one wants that. There's a Trump joke in there somewhere, but, um, you know what I mean? It's likeive no one wants that there's a trump joke in there somewhere but uh um you know what i mean it's like no one that's not an ideal quality that anyone is looking for or just like oh i i'm my boyfriend's so great like even when he doesn't know something he pretends he does yeah like you want to get in there and fucking mansplain football to her when you don't know what it is yeah like just just know like literally there's nothing more confident than admitting you don't know something it is. Yep. Like, just know. Like, literally, there's nothing more confident than admitting you don't know something

or admitting you're wrong or, like, you just fucking sit there and be like, I have no idea. And if she's like, how the fuck do you not know anything about football? Just be like, I don't know, but lucky me, I get to learn off the best. Yeah, and you can be like,

I promise there's something that I know a shit ton about that you don't. And then that's also a good lead-in to date two. Exactly. You get to take her on something that you like. Maybe it's a band. Maybe it's a movie. Maybe it's whatever.

You know what I mean? If you're like, oh, I love The Princess Bride, and they're like, I've never seen it. Yeah. Okay, well, we're watching the fucking Princess Bride because what monster hasn't seen that movie? Or even just like, oh, well, you know what? What you know about football, I know about cooking. She'll be like, really? Like, yeah, I will fucking school you.

I will bring you the best food. You know what I mean? Boom. Now you're going to cook for her. Like, it's so much better than you showing up and being like, yeah, yeah, it's a penalty. Yeah. It's like, hey, how'd your day go? Oh, it was great.

He just kind of repeated commentary lines from my brother's FIFA game. He rolled a football dice and read whatever came up. Here's what I will say. I want to flip this around. If someone's invited you to something that you aren't necessarily as passionate as them, be open to it. There's nothing shittier than someone

being like, I love this movie and then you sort of like talking or texting or like disengaging from it because like that person is showing you something that they fucking care about yeah and there's nothing worse than being like like the best part of the movie coming up and you looking over and they're like on instagram yeah it's like and you don't want to be like oh pay attention because yeah kind of one ruins the scene but two it's like you shouldn't have to beg someone to give a shit about exactly

there's nothing worse than someone being like you having to be like oh this is a really good part of the movie because like one that heightens their expectation you know it's like it's something you have to kind of experience the first time um and i'm just like it's the most frustrating thing because like i if someone's opening up to you and telling you that they like something like fucking like it too yeah you know i've i remember i went uh i was seeing this girl and she was really into, I can't remember the name of the fucking band. Um, but it was the guy, the guy from dashboard confessionals, new band, something, double something, twin, something, I don't remember. Double twin, uh, twin doubles. Um, but he was playing a show and I was like,

um, but she was like really into it. And I was like, well, fuck yeah, of course I'll go. And she bought me tickets. So I was like, the least I can do is go there and put my fucking phone in my pocket, turn it on silent and just like watch the show and have fun with her. It's, it's rare that you'll do that. And something isn't good anyway. You know what I mean?

Or at least even if it's not, it's a new experience. Like it's fucking fun. Like that's one of the coolest things about dating is like, you're basically a person's like, well, yeah, but it's a good way to force yourself to like learn more shit uh so i was at a uh like amateur toronto wrestling match uh like two weeks ago and it was fucking great it was actually even

i think maybe better than the one we went to a few years ago because they didn't leave the ring for like 20 minutes uh that was the best part because i got in the fucking ring it's true i power bombed the man it was awesome um but basically it it was so good and it was like if you can't go and like i get it wrestling is like the very particular taste yeah and i will say i'm not 100 into it but like the fucking athleticism is insane like the fucking people and the shit they're doing and even just like if you can appreciate like dance you can appreciate that because it's so well choreographed and everything it's fucking sick and this girl was obviously on a date with this guy who was like into it but like clearly a bit nervous because like it's kind of a nerdy thing

to be into and like he brought her and she was just like why are they doing that i don't like this like oh i don't know like and just like talked it down the whole time and the poor guy was just like miserable i was like and see the thing that sucks is that like instead of him being like this isn't a match i bet he's probably just never gonna go to another fucking wrestling show again yeah he's gonna like fucking throw his passion away or throw his interest away to like chase her. For eight months.

It sucks. And then they're going to break up and he's going to be like, oh shit. But he's still going to be self-conscious about it and probably never do it again. I hope not.

Or never enjoy it. And like, that's my thing. It's like, if someone is inviting you out to see something or experience something that you're not into,

fucking be. Or even that you don't know. Yeah, be an adult and realize that life is literally about collecting experiences as opposed to whatever the fuck else people think about money and shit. It's like, no, at the end of the day, you want to be able to be like, oh, man, I went to that really cool burlesque show. You know what I mean? It's like me personally, I would never go to a burlesque show unless i stumbled into it yeah but i go to them all the time and i love them now because my girlfriend like my girlfriend got into it and like i would never be in that scene without her yeah but like that's the thing like you you know you take these as opportunities to do things you

never would have done before and like i guarantee you that apart from very small occasions there's probably something you can enjoy and i very much doubt that's something that just flat out 100 you hate every single thing about it like if it's a band that the music you don't like maybe you appreciate their stage presence or like the props or even just the fact that like they managed to get a whole fucking stadium singing along like i went to simple plan once with this ex, and like, I can honestly tell you, I don't think I could listen to them now. I will say it was a fucking great show. Like, they nailed it on stage.

I paid $3 for two tickets to see Train. I don't know who that is. The guy who did Drops of Jupiter? Now she's back in the atmosphere. Oh, that's a fucking great song. Yeah. I mean, that's the only song I knew by them. Yeah.

Although they did have another song, like the Hey Mister song, I think it's called. And like, I only knew that one fucking song, but I was broke as fuck. And it was a gorgeous day. And I went on StubHub and I was like, well, there's two tickets for $3. That's $1.50 a ticket. That's pretty good. I can't get a fucking Kit Kat for that. And that's the thing.

I was like, you know what? I haven't done anything in so long because I'm so fucking poor. Fuck it. Yeah. So I bought them. I went there. And a couple of my friends were going. That's why I looked it up.

And so, yeah, I just had a great time and it was again i haven't listened to train since probably not on purpose at least but it was such a fucking great show because they just had so much fun at one point there are people who are so into it they all there was like a group of kids who had dressed up on like the the themes of like their songs like there was a kid literally in a fucking like a jupiter costume and shit like that. And like, they brought them up on stage and had them sing a song with them. It was amazing.

And like that kind of shit. At one point the guy was, uh, he was taking people's phones and like bringing, like bring them up and taking selfies while he was singing. And it's like, I was like, I don't give a fuck about your music,

but this is, this is enjoyable. This is entertainment. This is fun. So like you, you can find something, you can find something and i promise you your life will be fucking better yeah if you can find the joy in things that you don't enjoy yeah or even that like you think you might not enjoy even if you don't like if you go to a fucking thing and you're just like this is not for me take a look around and like look at the people who it is for and

look how much fun they're having and look how much like joy it brings them and try to like just open up your like empathy receptors and like bring in some of that joy especially if someone you like is loving the shit out of it you know like be like oh you've found a community that you fit in yeah um because like not everyone's lucky enough to find that and also a lot of the time some of the stuff we think we don't like is just we feel like we shouldn't or we feel like we can't or we feel like it's not cool or whatever yeah i'm sure there's a lot of people who and i know people who like back in the day would say they hated a thing because they wanted to seem cool or whatever and nowadays they're like yeah i actually really like that i'm like cool good like you you should

be able to admit that and like the older you are and the more confident you are the more you could admit anyway i just feel like no it's just fucking open up your shit and be be fucking happy and also just it's so fucking rude if somebody is sharing something they love with you and you just are like yeah like and i get it like maybe there's something and if it's not your thing it's a lot you're allowed to not be into that thing you don't have to be a dick about don't be a dick about it and also like again there are times where i'm just like i'm not feeling a burlesque show and i just won't go with my girlfriend like she'll just go by herself because she's an adult woman who is capable of doing things on her own like i don't have to be involved in every fucking thing there are times

where like i don't really if i don't want, but like, it's my only day off with her and it's my only chance to hang out with her, that supersedes everything. You know what I mean? Like, I want to spend time with her so I'm going to go.

But there are times where I'm just like, man, I'm not feeling it. And she's like, okay, cool, I'll see you tonight.

Yeah. You know, like, healthy relationship should be. And you dust your hands off and I fucking play video games with you and our friends and she does her thing

in the burlesque show. It's like, that's, that's a normal, that's an acceptable thing to do as an adult in a healthy relationship. I will say, that's not to say you have to like everything,

because if he brings you like a fucking cockfighting ring or something, you're allowed to be like, nah, B. If his idea was a birthday, it's like, hey, you want to pop down to Mexico? You want to go mugging? Yeah, absolutely. I would love to go to Mexico. We're we're gonna go to the show and it's a horse fucking a woman

yeah you're you're allowed to be like oh okay maybe not for me so you don't always have to find the joy in it like you don't look around at all the drooling men in the audience and go you know what they like it yeah that horse is having a good time. There is, yeah, there is. I bet you the horse is having a great time. Yeah, yeah. So, there are, of course, exceptions, which I think stands for pretty much everything. Yeah. Don't, okay, bottom line,

don't fucking pretend you know something about things. Yes. Unless it's like, man, we went off on a tangent on that one. Yeah, I feel like it was important. I'm going to do a user submitted question. I forgot to check whether they wanted their name or not. So, Agent Wall Dent,

because there's a dent in your wall. They say, when's the right time to let the person you're seeing know you have four cats? Immediately. Immediately. I want to see pictures. If I swipe you on Tinder,

I want at least one of your pictures on your Tinder profile to be all four of your cats. You don't have to be in it. Fuck it. I don't care about you anymore. I just want to meet those kitties. That's the thing. I definitely, if you have a pet, I want them in those Tinder pictures. I want them in all your pictures. Especially if they're kitties.

I knew this was the perfect question for you because I don't know if I've said this story on the podcast before. I can't remember, but just one day I remember in the summer going into your place, it was you and your roommate and three cats on the couch watching Ellen DeGeneres' Cat Week. And I was like, yep. Fuck else you do. I have good friends. Everyone's like, oh, it's Shark Week.

It's Shark Week. Fuck that shit. Cat Week, Ellen DeGeneres, get at like, oh, it's Shark Week. It's Shark Week. Fuck that shit. Cat Week. Ellen DeGeneres. Get at me. Yeah. It was a beautiful morning, actually. What did we do that day?

I don't remember. Anyway. It's some bullshit. We watched some kitties and it was great. Yeah. Well, like, you're seeing some... You know what? I feel like either, one, immediately, because who doesn't like pets?

Or, two, when it becomes relevant, which is like, if they're going to be spending copious amounts of time at yours, maybe let them know in case they're massively allergic like my girlfriend. Yeah, for sure. And like, here's the thing. There are people who have pets and then there are people whose like pets have them. You know what I mean? And like, I don't mean people who are like obsessed with pets. I mean, people who don't know how to handle pets. Yeah, who are handled by their pets. You know what i mean and like i don't mean people who are like obsessed with pets i mean people who don't know how to handle pets yeah who are handled by their pets you know what i mean like if if you don't know how to fucking clean litter or only have one litter pan for four

fucking cats and like stupid bullshit like that like i've gone into girls houses and i'm like the second you open that door you just get hit in the face with just cat piss and you're like like oh you have a cat. I'm like, how do you know? It's like, well. I have to scrape its urine out of my nostrils later. And like, oh, yeah, no, actually I have three. And like you look around and you're like, one, this place isn't big enough for three cats.

Two, there's one litter pan, which is not okay. Three, there's enough hair for eight cats yeah on everything it's it's yeah it's one of those things where like it's cool if you have pets but like please know how to care for them because i will want to take them from you yeah i mean if they're cute i'm gonna take them from anyway yeah yeah that's pretty much the reason i got into dating is to steal people's pets yeah um um that's the thing like i i don't give a shit here's the thing if you have a weird pet and you're fucking obsessed I once went on a date

with a girl like a horse if you're a horse person tell them immediately cause they need warning here's the thing cause you're fucking mental horses

I get they require a lot of attention I require that you're an insane lady I had a girl who was fucking like head over heels

obsessed about her rat and like everything was about her rat and when i'm for like i feel bad saying this but like when it died it like she went into a massive depression and literally like i stopped seeing her at that point because she wow she would not answer texts yeah because her rat dad rat dad. And I'm like, I get it. The loss of a pet sucks. But it's a fucking rat. Okay. No, I get you. No, but the thing is, though, like, I've had dogs that I love more than, like, anything in the world die.

Yeah. And it's the fucking worst. It's the worst. Absolutely. anything in the world die yeah and it's the fucking worst it's the worst absolutely it's like taking a fucking hatchet to the heart but like you still need to live i've had relatives fucking people have people die you can't just be like well yeah it's done with life now it's one of those things for like i don't know and especially with like i don't want to rag on rats here but they're rodents and like they're not the most affectionate creatures

and i know they're smart and i know they are like they they have recognition and shit we're losing our entire rat base and like i actually think rats are really cute so fuck that you know what i don't i i do think rats and mice can be cute i also think they well mice are always cute having a pet there's a responsibility it comes with responsibilities and take care of your fucking pets and also how long do rats live for i don't know because like i also feel like you can't get a short-lived pet and then be like oh yeah like you obviously be upset i'm not saying you can't be upset but when you know like if you're a responsible pet owner you know these things are an inevitability yeah like i don't think i'm gonna have my cat until i'm an old man

like i understand yeah and like and it's gonna be awful time we're like terrible and getting up there yeah in age and it's gonna fucking suck why are we talking about i don't know this is so tangential and just gonna piss people off uh it's pets are the best losing them is the worst but you know yeah if you have a pet it's fine and if you're worried about like just get that whole bit yeah i know maybe um if you're worried about people being like fuck them fuck rats i hate rats this is our we hate rats podcast we got you rats out we got you this far this is the podcast rat enemy oh uh fuck rats i thought you were fuck buddies nope no fuck rats um yeah if you if you have a pet

and you're worried about being like oh they're gonna leave me as a crazy cat lady or a crazy dog lady it's like then you're an asshole

yeah the fuck that person no wait sorry yeah if you think that you're an asshole yeah like about somebody if you think somebody's gonna think about you

honestly better the sooner they know here's the thing oh unless you are a crazy cat person oh because i went on a fucking date once and the only thing we talked about was this girl's little shitty dog but oh if it was a cat though you would have been so cool with that i wouldn't have been you would have been maybe but like here's the thing i sat through this dinner and this is one of the big reasons why I adopted my rule of no fucking dinners on dates,

at least first dates. She showed me, like, 134 pictures of her dog. That sounds amazing. And they were all more or less the same fucking picture. Of course. It was, like, a photo shoot over the course of, like, five minutes. So, like, the dog was, like, transitioned from, like, standing to curled up on her bed. See, I don't understand.

Did she just get the dog? Because if that's the only pictures you have, you done fucked up. No, this was a long time ago. And it was, she was showing me on a digital camera. Why'd she bring a digital camera on your date? I don't know. Oh, man. But that's what I'm saying.

There's so many millennials listening to this going, what? Huh? A separate camera? There is a line that you can cross where it's too much. There's always a line you can cross. Unless it's beans. Unless you find the person who it's not too much for. Great.

You know what I mean? There's a lot of fucking caveats here. What I'm saying is it's cool to have fucking pets don't make that your personality don't make the fact that you have four cats be all you have to offer to the world and to your romantic partners yeah that's fair yeah i say let them know because if they have an issue better fucking figure it out sooner rather than later yeah this thing is if someone's like oh yeah no kill me. Like, if I go into your apartment or if I, like,

feel cat hair, my throat closes up and I die. Yeah. Then, like, yeah, that's probably not the partner for you. Exactly.

That's the thing is, like, yeah, you're worried about losing them, but you're going to lose them anyway. It's not like you can keep them a secret or ditch your pets. And if you do, you're either an idiot

or an asshole. Oh, if you give up your pets for someone that you met on fucking Tinder, I will come to your house and just beat every joint that you have with a golf club. Yeah. That's a fact. That is a fact. I will know.

I will know. My Momo agents are out there searching for you. Oh, no. Yeah, don't do that. Pets are way more important. Than anyone ever. Yeah. Unless they're a rat. This, don't do that. Like, pets are way more important than anyone ever. Yeah. Unless they're red.

This one's dirty. Okay. Like, Christina Aguilera dirty? Oh, man, I got so many good ones. I'm gonna have to wait till next week, because then I'll have more good ones. Let's see if we can... Oh, no! Motherfucker.

Did they delete it? They deleted it. That's funny. You gotta fucking take screenshots. I know, but then they get lost. Okay, do you want to see the title? Fucker. Did they delete it? They deleted it. That's funny. You gotta fucking take screenshots. I know, but then they get lost. Okay, do you want this to the title? Yeah.

I've... Am I gonna infer what the question is? The question's in the title. Okay. You can infer what the question is. Okay. This is by DatingADad2019. Okay, guess what the question is from that title. The man I'm dating has a kid you get three okay um i only want to date older men nope i want to date someone who treats me

like their child no okay damn it me a male 25 year old has been dating my ex-girlfriend's female 25 year old dad 45 year. 45-year-old male. Oh, shit. For two years. He's planning on telling her when she comes to visit. What the fuck? This was such a good question.

Okay, hold on. Let me get my brains around this. Get my tongues around this. And let me just... So, he was dating a girl. Mm-hmm. Broke up with her. Yep.

Then proceeded to date her dad. Yeah. So he listens to our podcast. I know. And he took our advice. And took our advice and fucking power moved. Yeah. Dated her dad.

100%. This is the thing. This is an example of our advice gone right. But now he needs more. And he basically was like, how do I break it to her? Or what do I do? You kick in her fucking door at like four in the morning. You use her dad as a battering ram.

Throw him through the door. Yeah. And then you play meme horns as you walk in. And be like, hey, Becky, I'm fucking your dad. And then fuck him right there in front of her. Yeah. Fuck him through the door. Up the stairs.

Into her bedroom. And meme horning the whole time. Or break into her apartment when she's not there. Break her mattress. With her dad. And then, yeah, yeah, like, fuck, like, dick her dad literally through that mattress. And then the next time you see her, give her an envelope of cash

and be like, hey uh this is for the mattress and she's like what are you talking about be like i fucked your dad on it so hard that i broke it and that's it and there are two envelopes one's full of cash and it's for the bed and it says for bed and then you hand her a second envelope of cash and it says for therapist and she goes why because i'm fucking you i'm fucking your dad. I'm fucking your dad. Yeah. Or you, on Father's Day, demand a car from her. Because now you're also her dad. Oh, fuck her mom. You're her stepdad.

Fuck her mom, and then you're her dad fucking her dad. That's just masturbation. That's allowed. Literally have sex with everyone in her family. Yeah. You know what? Real talk, though. Real talk? Call her family. Yeah. You know what? Real talk, though. Real talk?

Call her daughter. Yeah. Just be like, I want you to call me daddy, but it's done more literally. Hey, sweetheart. Why are you fucking calling me that? I'm just trying it out.

Tell her to clean her room. Grounder. Just keep telling her to clean her room or do the dishes. Now, dishes will come off a different way. Just be like, oh, can you clean your room or do the dish now dishes will come off a different way yeah just be like oh can you clean your room um but like like honey like can you call your father he's worried about you just be like look honey you know i care about you but honestly

i feel like you know your job like obviously you pay the bills and all that but like when when you're gonna like think a little bit more seriously like take that next step right you gotta be thinking about the future and she goes well you what just go fucking your when are you going to, like, think a little bit more seriously, like, take that next step, right? You've got to be thinking about the future. And she goes, what? Just go fucking your dad. Are you seeing anybody? Why aren't you seeing anyone? I'm worried about you.

You're going to be lonely. You're going to be one of those spinsters with four cats. With a fucking rat. You're going to have a rat pet. Oh, well, that was the one thing I can remember about the actual, like, question. That's why he's fucking the dad is because she has four cats. Yeah, you wouldn't ever want to have sex with anyone with four cats. Always just pass.

Just pass up. You know what? Okay, real talk. I think that's the kind of thing that you get to just like, hey, you've known her for longer. I think that's on him more than you. Man. I would love to on him more than you. Man. I would love to know why they broke up. I would love to know what...

Because she found his Reddit handle was dating a dad. Oh, man, I would... I know I've said that I would never give up my pets. I would give up my pets to be in the room when this conversation happens. I would. I would never do that oliver i love you um he knows i'm gonna take him now i'm gonna beat every joint in your body no momo no oh

she was cheating that's why they broke up did you find no it's in his comments and other replies so you got the high ground moral high ground ground. You say I'm fucking your dad. Oh, it's the perfect revenge, firstly, but secondly, if she says anything, be like, oh, remember that time

you cheated on me? Well, that's the thing. It's like, just be like, if she's upset, just be like, well, at least I waited until we were over

to see someone else. And then just like, drop that mic and fucking back, like moonwalk out of the room. And then be like, Carl mic and fucking back like moonwalk out of the room. And then be like, Carl, you're coming with me. I don't know why, but I'm picturing the dad from Family Matters.

Yeah. No, the second anyone cheats on you, you're allowed to do like fucking like your guilt is absolved of like anything you do after the relationship also i feel like when you're in a situation and like somebody else has a much stronger connection to the situation than you are it kind of rests really on them 100 this is the deads you're gonna maybe piss off an ex but like yeah he's gonna maybe shatter his relationship with his daughter so i say just follow their lead are they willing to do it do they think think it'll work out? Sure. The other thing is like, I guess he owes it to her. I was going to say, he doesn't owe it to her at all.

Like, if I was dating someone, they cheated on me and I broke up with them and then I started dating someone else, I don't have to then contact that person and be like, hey, I've moved on

and I'm dating this person now just so you know. Like, that's not his fucking responsibility. But if you once had a relationship with a woman, created a child, and then raised that child, and then started fucking that child's boyfriend, yeah, you kind of have to bring that up.

I feel like we're getting the question from the side that it's like, you're safe for now. Yeah. But that dad, if that dad wants to contact us, we're here, bro. That's a dad debacle. Yeah, that's a dad-buckle. Yeah.

I don't really know if there is any advice I can give to that situation. I really... I literally think it's just going to be one of those things where you literally have to, like, fucking kick the door in and be like, Becky, listen.

You were a terrible person to... My baby. My baby. My baby J. My little daddy. Little... Daddy Junior. Dad, but with a non-capitalized D.

Yeah. Lowercase d, daddy. Also, I want you to call him stepdad. Oh, man. Oh, man. What if this is just, like, one big gambit to then be like, hey, both of you are terrible people. I'm out.

He's like the Batman of relationships. Yeah. All right. Where are we going? Okay, you know what? They're all so juicy. They're so juicy, Dane. If this question is as juicy as that last one, I will do another one.

Is it as juicy? Hold on, hold on. Is it making my lips water? I got a few, I got a few. Man, if I was like an old timey like southern I would be like Daniel Lipswater. Go home.

That would be my name. Go home. My 23 year old female boyfriend 28 year old male says my vagina is too big by pure newt three so my boyfriend i've been dating for about five months and he told me yesterday my vagina is too big for my size i'm somewhat on the smaller side five three and he said must be lying about how many guys i've been with when we first started seeing each other we spoke about our past I told him I've been with two guys before both long-term boyfriends which is true we haven't talked about that since until yesterday with him saying that my vagina couldn't have been stretched out that much from just two guys and I had to be lying I asked him why he's bringing this up now if this is your big problem he said he always thought it

was big and he didn't want to bring it up until now I told him he really hurt my feelings it was a horrible thing to say and just said he wants to hear the truth about who i've been with in the past told me he was an asshole left i haven't spoken to him since yesterday one point i was well and neither of the guys i was with in the past ever seemed to a problem with the size of my vagina neither of them were that big but both were bigger than my current boyfriend i don't have a problem on boyfriend's side enjoy sex when we have it he said he has a hard time finishing inside me because he can't feel anything when we first started going i didn't seem to be a problem with my boyfriend's side. I enjoy sex when we have it. He said he has a hard time finishing inside of me because he can't feel anything. When we first started going out, it didn't seem to be a problem, but recently I've been needing to finish with my hands or mouth for him to go.

I don't know. It just really hurts. He not only insulted me by saying I have a loose vagina, he doesn't enjoy having sex with me, but also basically said I'm a slut and lying to him. It isn't like there's anything I can do about it if I am too big. I looked. He is a great guy otherwise, and I really love being with him him it's just really hurting me thinking he's going to end our relationship over this and he's capable of saying those things to me juicy enough for you it's not as juicy as dad sex but i know but it is juicy in another kind of matter in another kind of way

because what the fuck yeah speaking of people who need their joints bashed with a golf club. Here's the thing. That's not how vaginas work. No. Like, medically and biologically. It is not, like, vaginas are not memory foam. They don't just, like, stay the shape that they were last put in. And then just, like, there it is.

And if it's a bigger dick comes in, it's just... Because, let me tell you, this week on Maury... Have you seen babies? They come out of women's bodies. And they do not stay the size of a baby. This week on Maury. And, uh, what's your issue? Well, I once used a big dildo.

And I just cannot have sex with anyone ever. You are a fucking idiot. That's his name, I'm assuming. Oh, okay. Like, that one, that's not how it works. Yeah, no, not at all. Like, I think it's something like... You're 28 years old.

How do you not know this? Yeah, I think I'm going to go on memory here. I think it's, like, two to six days, and vagina's, like, returned to... think i'm gonna go on memory here i think it's like two to six days and vaginas like return to unless it's like suffered extreme trauma like childbirth uh if you if you have sex with like large penises or large toys or whatever um yes do they get wider absolutely because the vagina is meant to contract and expand because again childbirth is a thing um but like they're also like i said able to contract and they like they end up sort of going back to like a neutral state um and i think it like i think it is like a couple days of so like if she fucked the dude two years ago her vagina isn't stretched out from that

anymore that's not even like i'm sure unless he has like unless the size differential is just a huge that's also not gonna matter you know yeah like unless it would literally have to be like canon and your man's got like a you know that's the thing like the guy would have to be like canon and your man's got like a, you know. That's the thing. Like the guy would have to have like a. But that's the thing. It's just foot diameter. It's never, it's never going to happen. And clearly this guy, the problems lie in his misinformation and his paranoia over other men. And insecurity.

Well, that's the inbuilt, inbuilt to the paranoia. Like I love the, it's too big for her size. I'd love to know which chart he has that maps. Oh, I thought he said he's too big for her size i'd love to know which chart he has that maps oh i thought he said he was too big for his size no for her size so like you know she's five foot three that vagina is too big for some of these five foot three let me tell you i don't think there is a greater variation in anatomical things as there are in vaginas. As someone who has seen a good quantity of them. At least two.

I haven't seen a single vagina that looks the same. Yeah, I know. They're all fucking wildly different. I think we're all on the same page where this guy's a fucking idiot. I'm going to tell you right now. For all the men out there, if you think that's a thing, let's just tell you no, it's not. It's not. It's not a thing. Just no. I promise you. This poor girl who had to if you think that's a thing let's just tell you no it's not it's not it's not a thing just just

no uh i promise you poor girl who had to look it up and is trying to come up with ways to get her vagina tighter or smaller not it's not on you no this guy's a fucking dumbass and you're probably and i mean probably when i'm there i say probably but i mean 100 fine yeah i would not worry also clearly it didn't used to be an issue and also i dare say the fact that he's harping on so much about you lying and how many people you've slept with that maybe that's the issue maybe he's getting so in his own head about people you've slept with that his dick's just going knobby and and i can almost guarantee you the like the fact that he quote-unquote can't feel anything. I almost promise you it's because she is soaking wet. Yeah.

And the friction has sort of been reduced because she is incredibly wet. Well, that's one time it can happen for sure. Honestly, to me, I just think he's so in his own head about the possible man that she slept with. Like, clearly he's super bothered by that. Yeah. And I think every time he's sleeping with her, that's all he's thinking about is other man having sex with her. And he's getting so upset. And instead of being like, hey, I have an issue or like, this is my fault.

He's like, no, it's your fault. Your vagina is too big. You lied to me, you slut. Because he's a fucking asshole. Yeah, 100%. lied to me you slut because he's a fucking asshole yeah 100 uh if if anyone says this she like and also the worst thing is she's like she's worried about him breaking up with her over this break up with him yeah leave him get anyone who is that emotionally abusive about something that is literally it would be false there would be no different than you being like your penis is

too small for me yeah there's no that like that would actually like better because it would be like your penis is too small which yeah horrible thing to say but like that's where it starts and ends as opposed to your vagina is too big also you're a liar also you're a slut also you know like what like there's so many layers to this bullshit that like oh fuck you alexander miles or whatever the fuck i gave your name yeah no it's it's yeah that's not because let me tell you it's gonna keep manifesting itself once you've like sorted out the vagina size thing it's gonna be you're spending too much time at work you're spending too much time away from home you know what i mean you must be fucking another guy you know i mean like that that is gonna keep rearing its head in a variety of different ways and it's gonna be the worst

forever yeah like you need to like lay it down right now and just be like one that's not how it works two what you're saying is horrible three i'm not a liar you're accusing me of it's fucked up and four why the fuck are you so in your head about this shit and unless he's like you're right i'm sorry these are my real issues i took it out this way blah and even then you still need some fucking explaining to do some explaining some apologizing some whatever if literally if he sincerely apologized and then proceeds to reveal his true issues and then works on it and agrees to all the other shit and makes it up to you maybe it's like okay then maybe then you can because like maybe he's just never had someone who's willing to invest that much effort into you know i mean i get it everyone needs everyone needs support but if if you come at him with

the realness that we have just brought to you and he's just like whatever you say lucy vagina then like fucking get rid of them just get them out of there yeah like it just i i even feel like that step is probably not even worth it because judging by this fucking question this guy is not going to listen to any reason yeah but hey no harm in trying but you need to respect yourself when you do there needs to be like some effort. But just be like, literally lay it down. Be like, you're wrong. You're literally misinformed about vaginas.

Yeah. You're accusing me of being a liar. You're being a fucking asshole. These are all horrible things to say. Like, your turn. Yeah. And then unless he's like 100% sorry and works on it, get the fuck out of there. Find somebody who knows anything because he doesn't. And then unless he's like 100% sorry and works on it, get the fuck out of there.

Find somebody who knows anything because he doesn't. And don't let this be a moment where you feel insecure or don't let this fucking damage you and, you know, be a continuing thing because you're fine. Hey, let me just throw this out there. You're fine. If you do have a big vagina... Let me work it. Let me see how hard I gotta work it. It's your flippity-pa-dang, Yank.

If you got a big... There are fucking positions that will assist in this. I don't even think it's a thing. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I don't even think it's a thing. If someone's got big vaginas out there, it's not the end of the world. If it is a thing I'm just saying I'm just saying I don't even think it's a thing If someone's got big vaginas out there It's not the end of the world If it is a thing

Let us know I'm sure someone's got a big vagina out there I know you don't have a big vagina You don't I do For a fact Momo told me Motherfucker

I told her Remember that time when she was like Show me your vagina And you're like I don't have it She knows And she told me. Momo's a little bitch. Momo kisses and tells.

You know, there's two things in this world that I hate. Rats and Momo. Rats and Momo. What if they're the same? What if Momo was just a shootout of rats in a scary mask? Oh, my God. There's a bundle of rats. A rat king, one might say.

Do you want more questions? No we gotta go Damn it We got some good ones Okay well you know what I'm gonna do I think I might do this Instead of Instead of uh

Bad sex writing I'm gonna do Perfect sex instruction Alright I'm only gonna get A little comfortable I think we're gonna have to Thank people first though

Do we? Thank you for everyone who's listening. Currently. Thank you to Agent Waldent, Agent Cody Wanks. You guys fucking roll. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. What? We're doing that now?

Why not? Are you switching this out for... No, I said we do this, then we do that, then we do that. No? Okay. Sure. I don't know. Fine.

I'm just going to go right... how to get laid this weekend, 13 steps. It's presented like a WikiHow article, which I appreciate. Are you ready? I want some feedback on this, or wait till the end. Whatever you feel. I will. Feel free to cut in. Feel free to do whatever.

So step one, enter flow state before arriving at the venue. Start talking with everyone you can along the way. People on the subway, people walking down the street, your wings should be doing the same. Ask some girls for the number on the way. Ask a girl walking down the street to go to the club with you all you're doing here is getting into state

in capital letters you're warming up and getting used to talking to people over and over in a carefree way continue flow step two state upon entering venue make it a step to continue to flow continue flow state oh upon entering venue make it a point to talk to at least one girl before even ordering a drink do it the moment you walk in don't waste time looking for the right girl just talk to any girl do it just to keep the flow state going if you talk to two or three on the way to the bar even better all you're doing here is bullshitting using ridiculous lines basically say anything women step three women are attracted to emotions. The emotion in clubs is fun.

It's not really an emotion. It's not an emotion at all, but it's in capital letters. So back the fuck off, alright? You need to be having fun. You need to. Your mindset is, I'm here to have a fucking blast. That's it. You're not here to get laid.

Getting laid is an added benefit after a night of having fun. Remember, if you're having fun, you can say pretty much anything to a girl and she will enjoy talking to you. Your goals and eyes exhibit emotions that are more fun than you've ever exhibited before. Right? Yeah. This gets slowly more frantic as you read it. Step four. Walk onto the dance floor alone and start moving to the beat.

Oh, yeah. Not even dancing just sort of like swaying be in your own world in that world the only thing that matters is that you're having FUN

you give zero fucks about what's going on around you give zero fucks if people are looking at you in fact getting girls looking at you is the entire point of this if this makes you nervous pretend you're someone else for the night. Be James Bond, or whatever masculine character you like. Be Daniel Lipswater.

Step five. Look up and find some cute girls looking at you. Find them. Find them. There will be cute girls looking at you. As long as you look like you're having fun and don't give a fuck. They will be smiling, giggling, laughing, and giving you the eyeballs.

Wave at them. Do it with no hesitation. Total confidence. Total assumption. Not only wave at them, but wave them over to you. Do it like a command. Not a question. Anytime I growl, that's a

capital letters. Just a heads up. And that was step five. Step six. Take her on an emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately, the only emotion he knows is fun. Take her on a fun rollercoaster. What you say is irrelevant, but mix up

one, telling her about yourself. Two, complimenting her. Three, teasing her. Four, approving something she says five disapproving something she says five changing the subject randomly and often are there two number fives or did you fuck there are two number fives hell yes six interrupt her seven act like or even tell her you might be leaving soon you can mix in some questions here and there be genuinely interested when she's talking to you And be passionate when you're talking 6. Touch her right away Mix it up

Dancing, high fives, bump into her Arm around the shoulder, in and out, in and out Touch and pull away, bump and move You're a spontaneous rollercoaster of fun When she walks over to dance, hold out your arms for an exaggerated hug Like she's your best friend you haven't seen in two years Touch her right away Focus on multiple girls

Give your attention to multiple girls at the beginning. Don't focus in on one too fast. Let them work for your attention. You're having too much fun to give her your complete attention anyway. Let them compete over you. Then immediately pick your favorite girl. At some point, identify the one you want. Try to make it the hottest one.

Don't limit yourself. Stretch your comfort zone. Talk to the hottest one as if you were talking to some old lady. Did he just say immediately pick the hottest one? Yeah. After saying don't? Yeah. Okay, cool.

Old ladies are easy to talk to because you don't give a shit about impressing them. Do the exact same thing here. Get deep into a topic. Ask her a couple deep questions. You can ask them unprompted. Just ask something deep and unexpected. After she answers, you can compliment if appropriate. But just ask something deep and unexpected after she answers you can compliment if appropriate but go back to playful banter of the emotional roller coaster

back and forth if we ever break up is it cool if i date your dad back and forth deep and then light get those emotions sizzling yeah like fun next step seed the Anytime any, like literally any terminology from these seduction pages is used, it makes me want to cut my arms off. Like, seed the pole. Oh, seed. Seed. Yeah. Okay. Your wings.

Just keep going. Get into flow state. I want this to be over. Your weight. Okay. Seed the pole. Plant the idea of some cool reason she'd enjoy being at your place that doesn't have to do with sex okay four cats it can be anything that comes up in

conversation the point is simply mention your place and something interesting she would like so many cats next step lead her around the venue grab her hand and take her around. Lead. Do it with total assumption. Show her the fun and then take her along. Girls always follow the fun. Get her captivated in your masculine bubble of attraction. Oh shit. Get her away from her friends. Even a few feet away is good. Start showing her your sexual frame.

Slow down your voice and body movements. Spread out. If you can find a sofa, extend your arms out along the back. Manspread. Take up space. Sit close to her. Keep up push and pull of deep conversation mixed with the light, playful emotions of the roller coaster.

Go for the kiss. Optional, depending on the situations. You're talking less and talking slower. At this point in the attraction, she will usually start talking a lot. Talking a lot about random shit means she wants you to kiss her. So wait until she's right in the middle of saying something, then interrupt her by leaning in. Hey, do you mind moving over a little bit? No, no, I'm taking up space.

Look at my sexual frame. Are you having fun? Wait until she's in the middle of saying something, then interrupt her by leaning in and putting your lips onto her lips. Yeah. Hold. Release. I'm glad he slipped in some kiss instructions there. Thank God. I didn't know what it meant.

My big fucking problem is I never do the release. So I just go for the kiss, and then I'm just there. I'm like, now what? I'm all release. And then I just lead her around. If she didn't resist the kiss, go for a second. If this is a situation where she might start making out with you, start applying the tongue on kiss three.

And then we got the last step. Last step, what is it? Go for the pull in brackets. You can do this even if there was no kiss step. Suggest getting out of there. Maybe it's too loud and you two need a drink in a quiet place. Maybe it's closing time. Mention the seed reason as well.

If she's been sitting close enough for your bodies to be touching, if she's leaning in toward you, if she's talking a lot, highly likely she will go home with you. If she drops the we're not having sex tonight shit test, agree. Take her by the hand, walk to the door, order an Uber, get the hell on. Now it's highly likely you got laid and you had fun. Bonus. I like how the end is just like,

what about them kitties oh yeah that says if they don't have four cats leave cool what i love is just like the frantic like push and pull in and out touch walk around lead her like be fun be light be airy drop a deep conversation in and out like you kiss her you like it's so fucking frantic, but also the best thing ever. And this is all I can think of is, you know, someone, you know, multiple people have read this.

I mean like, oh my God, this is perfect. And they probably one have a lot of fun and they're like, what's the next step? That's the thing is best. No one's memorized this. I can't wait until I would love, I would sell my cats to be in a room with somebody trying to slow down your voice and movement step.

Because I don't think there's any natural way to do that. You know what we need to do? We need to film us taking these steps. But I don't want to inflict that on some poor woman. It doesn't matter. Bump into her. Just bump into her. What?

Hey, watch it. I'm having fun! Hey, watch it. I'm having fun over here. Yeah. Check out this frame. Look at it. Look at the sexual frame. I'm having fun! Hey, watch it. I'm having fun over here. Yeah. Check out this frame. Look at it. Look at the sexual frame.

I'm so wide right now. I'm wide like that girl's vagina. I'm sorry. I'm taking up space. Fuck you. She's pushing her away. Hey, bye. Now, come here.

Let me wave at you. Come here. Look at the way this body's moving. Disagree with something. Quick. Disagree with something she said. Hey, I really like your shirt. No, fuck you.

It's ugly. Slower shirt no fuck you it's ugly slower fuck you it's ugly perfect oh my god people are gonna think I did that digitally but

I know that was really good that was all me or was it I don't know our producer's a rat and he uh he did it

yeah so this show is shit oh shit fuck you rat fuck you rat if you cut that part out we're never gonna make

any sense of half of it it's gonna make any sense oh well guys it's been another emotional rollercoaster you've already thanked a bunch of people but let's thank

Josh Eagle again because I cut you off there Josh Eagle and the Harvard City song paper stars thank you that's how I was really feeling that

Josh Eagle And now he's gonna revoke our license now Oh shit, now I'm fucking Josh Eagle Yeah, Josh Eagle's now my dad And I'm having sex with him What? We need to leave I'm so sorry, guys It What? We need to leave.

I'm so sorry, guys. It's a new whiskey. It is a new whiskey. That's why. This is the one where we go on 12-minute tangents about rats. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye. There's Facebook.

We're on there. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Spot of Face. Next week. Twitter. Spot of Face Twitter. Is our 25th episode which means we're gonna need

we're switching it up we're switching it up switching it up we're switching it up we need questions that you wanna know about us so

we're not answering your questions like you're we're about us. So we're not answering your questions. We're not giving you advice. We're giving you information about us. So this is like if you're like, why should I listen to you? Now's the time. Now's the time to ask us a question, a personal question. Don't get weird, though. Don't make it weird.

Well, get weird, yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, get weird, but, like, don't make it fucking stupid. Don't get weird. Here's make it weird well get weird yeah yeah I mean like get weird but like don't make it fucking stupid don't get weird here's the thing here's the question we will not answer we are not going to tell you the size of our dicks

we've already been asked that and it's not going to happen because it's irrelevant and it treats men like shit the size of our penises does not make us any more or less valid

we also don't have penises we have white vaginas which is they're huge. So yeah, if you have a question for us and you're like, why should I listen to this person? Ask us a question

and we will happily answer it. We're celebrating our quarter of a century episodes. Thank you for listening, guys. My name is Dave Miller. Wait, you didn't say any fucking shit about our Facebook or Twitter. Yes, if you have one of those questions, you have to email us at gmail. You can hit us up at fbuddiespodcasts at gmail.com.

You can find us on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. Or you can hit us up on Facebook at facebook.com slash fbuddiespodcasts. Nope, fckbuddiespodcasts. dot com slash F buddies podcast. Nope. FCK buddies podcast. Also if you're telling people about us and you don't want to read out our URLs F star CK buddies if you're searching us on anything pretty much you'll guess up. Yep. I'm going to say special thanks

to Jazz and Adriana who have both introduced one more person each to our show. Yeah. I'm sure there are other people out there. If you do let me know. If you've been introduced by someone let me know. If you're new let me know. If you've been introduced by someone, let me know. If you're new, let me know. Yeah. Say hello to us.

We're fun. And like I said, we're ready. We're ready to answer your questions. Yeah, we're fucking here. And there's nothing that we like more than talking about ourselves. Or rats. Fuck those rats. Do you have a Dan for us?

I do. Okay. Dan says, will this stop working if women find out about it? hats. Do you have a Dan for us? I do. Okay. Dan says, will this stop working if women find out about it? Yes. No, actually.

Our podcast? I think he's talking about the 13 steps we just read. My name is Dan Miller. And I am, of

course, Nossman. We're Momo Slayers