F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 240 - Intimate Evenings: VERY NICE! (Live @ Black Sheep)

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Can you believe Niall is STILL on a cruise?  Good thing we recorded a bunch of live shows for your enjoyment.  Recorded in March live at Black Sheep.

Welcome to Thirsty Thursdays at the Black Sheep. Tonight we have Fuck Buddies Podcast. It is a Canadian podcast award-winning sex and dating advice podcast. It is Dan Miller and Nell Spain and they are your Fuck Buddies. Please give them a huge round of applause. We're adults. Smooth entrance. I love having a bunch of people watching as I scoot in like a toddler at a table I don't belong at. Yeah, it's nice that we have high chairs, though.

So we really just like play into it. We did it. Hello, friends. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice show where we take your sticky, situations and we turn them into sexy sticky situations simply put we find questions either online from our wonderful listeners or at the halfway point from you guys as you'll see on your tables you got a little a little bit of

paper you can scrawl on and we answer them right here right now or every monday on our podcast i will say your questions will also be anonymous so don don't worry. We won't call you out. I promise. Unless you want us to. Unless you want us to. We will do that. If that's your king, we're not going to shame you.

Do we have anyone here who hasn't listened to the show before? No shame. Okay. We got one person. Love the honesty. Okay.

We got a couple people. We got a couple people. I was really hoping there'd be more people like people on dates who are just here and they're like Why is that man talking about cum so much you missed last month where we did talk about cum and piss? interchangeably and often together way too much

We might also do that again today. There's no promises here kids. No, not all I will let you know a few things about today. Obviously keep drinking drinking, keep eating. Don't worry that the show is going on. We're cool. If you take pictures and post and tag us, you will be entered into our shots competition. So what that means is we will randomly give a table or two some shots at the halfway point if you put us on social media. So there you go. Make sure you do two things in order to qualify. You have to tag us, FBuddiesPodcast, and you have to tag the bar, Black Sheep TO.

If you don't tag them, you don't win anything. So make sure you tag them. Should we do a question? No, I'm done. Okay. No, yeah, let's go. I can start us off. I don't have a question to ask her on this one.

But they say, I'm trying to propose to my girlfriend but she won't read the goddamn letter so basically I'm a 24 year old male trying to propose to my girlfriend 21 year old female of 14 months that may be fast for some people but it feels natural in our relationship and the method I'm using is a Christmas love letter it's a letter made up of 14 small paragraphs with each one beginning with a letter that is in a different font, size, but also underlined. The letters spell, Will you marry me? And the last paragraph mentions a hidden set of love letters, just in case she didn't get it.

But every time I find a good moment to present her with it, she keeps saying, I'll get around to reading it, and she won't freaking read the damn letter. It's so frustrating, and I've been working on this letter for weeks, and I don't know how to get her to read it naturally, short of saying, for God's sake, it's a wedding proposal. I feel this woman's energy, because anyone who's ever texted me knows that I'll get around to it. This is very helpful when you have multiple podcasts together and need to plan things. I'll get there. Okay.

This is a creative proposal. Yes. Much in the way that a third grade poem contest is creative. Like, I'm thinking, we talked about this the other day, actually. What is that? Does anyone remember an acrostic poem? Is that it?

Acrostic. Thank you. We got one poetry nerd in here. We love it. There's nothing sexy about acrostic poetry. I'm sorry, there isn't. It's the second I see it and hear it, I just think immediately elementary school

because that is literally the only time I've ever thought about acrostic poetry. I've never heard that term before. Well, you're not as cultured as I am. I love that this guy is very, very proud of this letter because he does mention how many fonts he used. Yeah. And I don't know about you, but nothing would make me say no to a proposal faster than if this motherfucker. Yeah, if he's got Comic Sans on there. Yeah.

Like he's just like by line 14, he's like, fuck, man, I've used Helvetica. That's the thing. I've got Ariel in there. You start at the top, which is obviously the best font, Helvetica. Then it's Times New Roman, maybe Ariel. And then you're kind of in the weeds until he's got windings in there that's fucked I don't know what this means yeah uh I just love that like this is not a good call like making your wedding proposal an escape room is not good

because she might not get there and can we also draw attention to the fact that he apparently keeps trying to give it to her and then when she she says, I'll get around to it, I guess continuing to hold on to it. So she's never going to get there if you don't give it to her. I think that's step one. Step one, yes. I think it's also wild that just like if your partner around Christmas time is like, I've got something for you. And you're just like, nah, I'm good. It's cool.

Don't worry about it I'm also really worried that like she's not on the same page that he is because he's like 14 months it's short but it feels right yeah for both of you or for you did the first time she get the letter did she hold it up to a light and was like no sorry I'll read this in a bit how long did she look at it maybe in two to three years. Yeah. Because if it is a different font underlined and a different size, it's so fucking obvious. So did she look at it and go, nope? Is it though? Because I think that sounds more like a ransom note to me.

Yeah, maybe he cut them out. I don't know. He's just like got all the magazines and just like clipping it out. See, I think in this instance, there are only two options. And that is to like back down and be like, hey, this is what it was. Or to double down. Which means more fonts, more clues. Okay.

More puzzles. I think you need a second puzzle that literally just said, don't turn your proposal into an escape room. And your answer is more puzzles. He already made it into one. And that's the thing. It's like the only other options to be like, so this is what it is and that sucks you're forgetting the key element of escape room that's locking them in a room true just lock them in the room

with the letter yeah they'll figure it out eventually slide it under the door and be like you leave when you open that also please read it yeah i think this is just a bad call so advice number three i don't know what we're at don't fucking do this i think look if this is the way you think you should propose i don't think it's a good one i will agree with you there i think it's a bad proposal idea sorry if you're in here who wrote that letter um or if you were thinking of it yeah thank god um but i think like at some point in time you kind of have to be assertive a little more assertive and be like, I think it's important that you open it now. And if you have to be like, it's it is the key to the crate that the puppy I've had in the basement for the past two weeks.

And like it's it's getting real hungry. So please open this letter. Yeah, I think just you got to double down more clues or lock them in the room lock them in a room good start this is why we won an award yeah it's true uh yeah just you have to you have to be clear with things like proposal you don't want there to be any guesswork i think surprise absolutely sure yeah but guesswork no and like and if i it still boggles my mind that someone has tried to give her this like he's tried to give her the letter multiple times and every time she's like no yeah or even like on a very practical level just be like okay do you think you'll have time

later and be like it's important for you like it's important for me that you read it give it to them let them have their fucking time and space and then the next day be like hey did you get a chance to look at it? Read that letter? Yeah. Did you solve my puzzle? What? I mean, the letter? And then maybe that might be a clue of like,

maybe 14 months is enough time to learn that this is not the person you should be marrying because she doesn't want to, she won't even commit to opening a letter for you. Also like at 14 months, clearly they don't know she's not that into puzzles. It's not a puzzle! If third graders

can figure out how to do this poem, it's not a puzzle. It's fair. So don't do this. You ready for another one? Yeah, let's do it. Okay. Let's do this. This is from a Reddit user, throwaway game Game Cubes.

Weird virgin question I have about intercourse. So I, 21-year-old male, have discussed with my partner, 20-year-old female, about sex and whatnot, and she said she is very open to the idea, but when she is ready she will let me know. However, there is something about intercourse I've always been curious about. Is it possible for the penis to be inserted into the vagina, but without any stroking back and forth or ejaculation to happen? Example, let's just say I am fully hard and insertion happens, but instead of stroking back and forth, I just keep the penis there to emulate a floaty-like connected feeling.

I was told by a friend that this is a thing the Mormon church participated in. Soaking. It's soaking. Is that like a Cardi B lyric? What are you saying to me? You don't know what soaking is? Obviously it's just putting your dick inside. Okay. Yeah. Let me just finish this bad boy on.

I was told by a friend that this is a thing the Mormon church participated in, but I've also seen people say it's just an urban myth or something. There's also the fact that the average erection lasts half an hour, and if it lasts four hours, then it should be a medical condition. What does that have to do with this? Just in case he really wants to give it a go. But yeah, it's something I've always wondered about.

Is it safe and possible to just do that kind of action? Whoa. Okay. A few things. One, soaking is definitely a thing, always wondered about is it safe and possible to just do that kind of action whoa okay uh a few things one soaking is definitely a thing and the best thing about it is it sounds like bullshit joke advice that we would give but it's like the way people get through like chastity and like sex before marriage and blah blah blah it's like they will put it in and be like not really sex because it's just in there and they'll stay stationary and this part isn't me making a joke sometimes they will lie in the bed and get a friend to jump on the bed so that yes it's going in and out a bit but it's not them doing it the old trampoline technique and jesus

doesn't mind if you do it that way and this is honestly a real thing look it up i love the idea of jesus just like you know his like sex radar goes up. He's like, oh, hold on a second. He's like typing. He pulls up a monitor. He's like, ah, it's just a couple of guys jumping out of bed together. That's all right. That's fine. Keep it up, kids.

You got me again. So that is the thing. I want to know why they want to do this. Apart from weird floaty feeling, which I'm not really sure I understand what they mean. Secondly, like why does he mention an erection last over four hours? Because doing this is going to get pretty tiring after, say, four minutes max, let alone four fucking. Can you imagine the boredom of just putting your dick in and like, well, that's it. Just staring at someone for four hours.

Yeah. Just being like, hey, what's going on? Still doing all alright in there yeah I'm alright we're still got at least two more minutes before this becomes

a medical emergency I swear to god when my alarm goes off if I'm still hard you have to call 911 she's got it on speed dial queued up

just ready to hit call it's just one of those life alert like necklaces and just like wait wait oh I'm soft we're good

thank god close like yeah you could do it what did they think would happen like you get in there and it's like i love that he asked is it safe i can't think of a more safe thing to do yes it's the epitome of safe so you're just lying down yeah you're also probably not gonna come because you're not doing anything i mean you might be you might yeah. Yeah. If your friends are jumping on the bed, all bets are off. If you've got a real good bouncer. A real good

bouncer. Yeah. You should call the episode. That's what the third guy's called. That's a good friend. I love the idea that there is someone, like everyone, you know, hymns and haws, you know, threesomes. I don't know if we're ready to bring a third person into the room blah blah blah but like apparently people who are who are so chaste yeah that they don't want to you know thrust whilst i mean also let's say if you put

your dick inside someone you're having sex that's there's no good sex. But it's still sex. Yeah. But I love the idea that they're not chast enough to be like, let's not have Jebediah. Like, hey, Steve, what are you up to on Thursday night around maybe like 8 p.m.? I want to know the vetting process. There's just a trampoline in the backyard and they're like, give me your type five. Go. Jeb, you're out. I need to know if you can last for four hours. Hey, four hours of bouncing?

Let's talk about the real thing here. Four hours of fucking bouncing? Yeah. That will cause a medical emergency. That guy doesn't have no knees. No, you just give him a Gatorade and a banana, stop all the problems. He's fine.

Some orange slices? I don't even know what to answer this. Yeah, I guess you could do it, but why? Yes, yeah. If this is something that both of you are cool with and want to do, great. Go for it. But also, why? But why?

But again, we're not here to yuck anyone's yums. I'm not yucking it. I'm confused by their yums. Yeah, if you want to do it, do it. I think this is maybe something you should definitely talk to your partner about. And your medical professional. And Steve. And your mattress provided yes

um but i think like if if this whole thing of like her being like i'm ready to have sex or like i'm interested in having sex but i want to wait for the right time if you've waited for the right time and someone does this i would be pretty bummed yeah yeah i would just be like you're ready how about we do it the worst way yeah are you are you ready to be disappointed for possibly four hours this is it's a great introduction because you could only get better yeah right you start the bar quite literally at the bottom hmm because you've done the bare minimum you you are in science really nothing yes it's the equivalent of like spreading out all your IKEAkea furniture, like in all its like respective things.

I mean, like it's built. I've done it. Step one. I'm good at building furniture. Just some asshole comes and jumps on it. And then just slowly assembles. I'm going to fucking knock this mic over. Do it.

Kill it. Okay, let's go with this one. I've got a quick one if you need some time. Go for it. Okay. This is a series of questions asked by the same person over the span of about 45 minutes on Reddit. Perfect. I've just chosen two, but

there were about five or six of them. Okay. All the same? I think you'll get the idea. Okay. How long erection? Four you'll get the idea. Okay. How long erection? Four hours. Medical emergency. It's from Reddit user Martina4. Would you date a girl that rides?

I love my horses. But some men seem to have a problem with how long I spend at the stables. That was question one. Okay. Question two. Would you date a horsey girl? I've been into horses for years, and it can take over my life. Would you date me?

Though as I'm not... Or, would you date me? Though as I'm always at the stables and muddy, equestrian women are different. I am always muddy. Would you date me? Must eat, sleep, and breathe horses. Okay, she likes horses, but also wants people to fucking eat them? It's a weird phrase, lady who loves horses. Yeah.

You know how I feel about horse girls, so I'm... No. How do you feel? Fucking... Sorry, is anyone here a horse girl? Do we have horse girls in here? Oh, we got one horse girl. You're good.

I fucking hate horse girls. I think you're painting in broad strokes here i am yes um but also like if we want to be realistic about this if you're always muddy you should shower hygiene is important and if you're always at the stables unless i am a horse or a stable hand yeah we're not going to be able to date are we that's it right like just find someone at your stable that you're cool with. Yeah, and not a horse, because that's not legal. I mean, you're just asking to be in a, like, Harlequin romance novel or a Hallmark movie. Yeah, true.

Right? Like, who doesn't want to hook up with a hunky or sexy or, you know, I don't know what your preference is, but, you know, an attractive horse. I don't want sexy, but I do want hunky right yeah I think hunky should be a gender neutral term in my opinion that's fair I think all like getting into a tangent here but like I think I think there's negative connotation I think if I called a woman hunky I think I think we would get some some bad responses but I would mean that as pretty much the highest compliment I think if you've watched physical 100 you know hunky can be both genders and that's rad. Okay I got I went through all this to try to find whoever submitted

this question and they don't have a name so that was a fucking waste sorry guys. This is I, 20 year old female, call my boyfriend 21 year old male using lotion as lube and he doesn't understand why I'm mad. I'm literally so mad. He makes sure to tell me every single time we have sex that he's going to use a condom because he doesn't want to get me pregnant. He then follows this up with, explained to me that I will get an abortion if I get pregnant. Didn't even ask me about it, just told me. Not that I want kids, but still. I find it weird he explains this to me every time in a condescending tone, even though he knows I don't want to get pregnant.

We've already both had the talk, and I definitely don't want kids. Condoms aren't the way to go because my doctor told me I'm not compatible with contraceptives because of my meds. Anyway, he insists on locking himself in the bathroom to put on his condom. That's okay. But then he told me last night that he uses... Yes, well, we'll get to that. But then he told me last night he uses scented hand lotion on his dick and then puts the condom on.

Mind you, these are condoms with lube in them already. He puts scented lotion on the condom itself. No wonder I've been irritated down there. I told him he should not be using scented lotion like this. Not only can the oils compromise the condom, it's scented lotions and should not go inside me. Also, that's probably why the condom keeps slipping off. He's really irritated at me and says he's been doing this for ages and he can't get the condom on without the lotion. He also says I'm being too dramatic. I'm

pissed at him, but I'm worried I don't have the right to be. Is it possible this is just a mistake I should overlook? Classic case of women being overdramatic. Oh, you've got a bunch of different irritations and infections? Get over it. Oh, you've made a yeast infection cocktail on your dick? Cool, thank you. Nice. The condom slips off and it's dangerous and the condom's fucking also degrading and I just keep yelling, you have to get an abortion at you?

Get over it. What cool foreplay is it of like you lay your partner down on the bed and you're like you know kissing their neck and then you just whisper in their ear oh by the way you'll get an abortion if i get you pregnant and then you leave the room and lock the bathroom and come back with a condom on like anyway i have to go do my weird lotion ritual yeah like does he bring the lotion with them or does he just take what he what's like at Does he just like grab a lotion and is like, let's see how this feels on my poor dick? He's got like a Costco, like, just like. Oh, yeah, for sure.

100%. And everywhere he goes, anywhere that he thinks he might have sex, he's got like nine gallons of lotion. Pocket lotion. I don't think it's enough for this man. See, I just love that most people, it's like, you know, it kind of sucks to put a condom on. It kind of like takes the momentum out of it a little bit. And it's like, yeah, that's fair. You know, you have to stop for a second.

But like this guy literally is like, I'm leaving. I'll be back in a bit. Like go on TikTok, I guess. Yeah. Don't worry about me. I'll be back in a moment. It's like, why, I guess. Yeah. Don't worry about me. I'll be back in a moment. It's like, why? Because he can't get it on without his cool lotion.

I bet he unfolds it fully and he's like, how does this work? How else are you going to fill it with lotion now? It's true. It's like a water balloon. Yeah. So don't do that. Does anyone do that? No one is going to say yes to that question.

The bravest person was admitting they were a horse girl. No one's going to be like, yeah, for sure, I lube up my dick in all ways. No, someone is putting their hand up, but they're currently putting a condom on the bathroom. We can't see them. Yeah, they've locked themselves in the bathroom for the past 30 minutes. Yeah, use water-based lubricants for condoms, firstly. Oil-based will degrade them yes don't put scented fucking lotion in someone's fucking vagina or on your own or on your own dick

just like there are things that are not meant for your genitals and it's almost everything i just wish we knew what we could use as lubrication you know what i mean it's so hard to tell what could be used to lube something up if only only there was a product, maybe with a name like lube. It'd be nice. It would be nice. We can dream. We should do that. This is a submitted question from one of our lovely listeners.

Are they here? No. Okay, we're going to do this one. This is a 37-year-old man and a 35-year-old woman. My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. She is from England, but has lived in Canada for almost 10 years. During the pandemic, we had a chance to go and live in England, and we were there from 2020, only recently moving back at the start of this year.

While we were there, she picked up saying, very nice, as a response to just about everything, because that was a thing a lot of the locals did. It's cute when she does it in everyday talk, however, it's made its way into our bedroom. I would love to be able to, or I'd love to be told that my performance is very nice,

but there's a problem. When she moans it during sex, in combination with her accent, she sounds exactly like Borat. It's hard to take her seriously when I'm not expecting her to yell, Not! after every time. How do I get my British girlfriend to stop sounding like Borat when I'm making her cum?

Well, at least she's not your wife. She could be. Not yet, though. I literally fail to see the problem. It's not a problem. Like, why are they messaging us just to boast? I know, this is the brag, sir. Oh, no, I have the perfect situation.

We talk about it a lot on the show. And my favorite thing about sex is getting to laugh with your partner. I think it's like that is the key to good sex. If you're not laughing with your partner, I feel like you're probably a little too uptight or you're with the wrong person. That is a strong – Not every time. Not all the time. Yeah, it's not fucking yuck-yucks in the bedroom.

It doesn't have to be. But I think in moments where you find joy and laughter during sex, I think that like, that's when you can like be the most vulnerable. Cause you're not putting on like that sexy persona. You're not pretending to be a porn actor or like I'm in hot mode. Like you're, you're just you fucking someone you really like, but she is in hot mode. Cause she's pretending to be Borat.

I can't think like, here's what I would do. Buy that fucking neon green, like the Borat mankini. Yeah. 100%. Get that for sure. Buy that fucking neon green, like, bikini thing. The Borat Mancini? Yeah. 100%.

Get that for her. And like, if she's like, why did you get this for me? She'd be like, I don't know. Is it not very nice? Yeah,

is it not very nice? I, yeah, I, I, have you told her that she sounds like Borat? Because I imagine

that will curtail it pretty quick. But it's, we're in the territory of like that is something you should have said yeah

at the start of the year when you moved back to Canada and she started saying this or whenever she took it up it's hard to be like after eight months been like hey babe

I just want to talk to you you know about this thing I've been thinking of Borat for almost a full year every time I've fucked you I have thought of Borat for almost a full year. Every time I've fucked you, I have thought of Borat. Yeah.

That's tough. That's a tough conversation to have. You could pretend it just started. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Why'd you say that again? Say that again. Damn. Just now,

and I do mean that, you sound like Borat. Here's my pitch. Maybe get a soundboard. And every time she says it that ain't nice and just hit it and just be like what is that was that an echo did you say it twice or alternatively move somewhere else to alter our accent a little bit more or catch more slang and just replace it you gotta go live somewhere else for two years that's easy yeah

go live in san francisco i think that's where big band theory takes place and then maybe she'll start saying bazinga that's literally the only sitcom catchphrase i could think of i'm trying to try and i can't think either yeah i i just talk just talk to her you don't have to say it's been the last eight months. He also doesn't say that it turns him off. It's true. And the thing is, if it did, this would have come up before. So clearly he can power through. It's obviously not a deal breaker for you.

You're obviously still doing your job. You're obviously still having fun having sex with him. Because if it was really getting to you, if every time your girlfriend got naked, you sasha barrett cohen's hairy body and you were like ah damn it i'll never be able to go to the bathroom for 30 minutes to lock myself and lube my condom up like this what if they've never seen borat what they don't know maybe Borat. And like the first time he says, very nice. And she goes, wait a minute. Oh, no.

What have I done? I'm sorry. I had to be the one to break it to you. Yeah. Honestly, I don't think it's a problem. If you just think it's funny, I think share that joy with her. I think share that laughter with her. And if she gets uncomfortable about it, she won't do it again it's true but if like i i

don't see i like i said like fucking laugh with your partners y'all have a good time agreed i should really have gotten the names of these people but everyone keeps deleting the fucking name off i wonder why i wonder why i wonder why oh no. Oh, this is by user Morpheus. Maybe the actual one from the matrix. Who knows? And they say, how many dates equals GF and BF? Bit confused here. Six. Next question.

Next question. This is, okay, it's a very, it's a very bad question. But I think the nebulous topic of these societal standards of how much time – the idea that there's a ticking clock on people's relationships. Or like just, oh shit, we hit six. I guess we're dating. It's a teachable moment because that's not how it fucking works. Yeah, you have agency. You get to decide when that happens.

And a big part of that is when you feel comfortable with a person. And when you're ready to have them put their penis inside you and leave it there for up to four hours. Up to four hours, yeah. That is when you know you want to be with them. And like obviously there are some established timelines. Like 14 months in, get married, escape room. We've already gone through that. Or try to get married, sorry.

If they can figure it out, that's their reward. They're locked to you for life. Yeah. But yeah, it's an easy question. There is no, there's nothing. It's up to you. You can just fucking do it when you want to. And importantly, it is a decision you have to make collaboratively. Together.

It's not just like, oh, six weeks. I'm not going to tell them, but in my mind, we're dating. Yeah. Because that's a recipe for bullshit. If someone you're seeing stops and is like, hey, we've been seeing each other for two months. I would like to talk about escalating this into a more serious, either monogamous relationship or committed relationship or whatever you are looking for. And you're 100% within your right to be like, I think I need a bit more time. Fully. I don't think you need, like, don't get pressured. I think a lot of people, we talk about it all the time. It's a fuck yes or a no.

If someone posits that question to you, if someone says to you, hey, I would like to be exclusive, and you're not ready to be exclusive, don't just say yes because you're afraid of not being able to see them anymore because I promise you it will end poorly. Yes. A hundred percent. So that many dates. That many dates, yes. The secret number in your heart? No one liked that one. You know, we're going to do another user-submitted question.

Or listener-submitted question. You have me saying user, goddammit. I did it. Very nice. This is from Agent Sun John. I've been hooking up with a guy for a little over a month, and I'm really enjoying myself. He's attentive, open, and really, really good in bed. The only problem I have is that sometimes before...

He sounds like Borat. The only problem I have is that sometimes before and sometimes after, he'll ask me, Do you like that? The problem is, anytime he's asked me that question, he's literally not doing anything to me. He's just looking at me and barely touching me if at all what does this mean what do you do you say yes what yeah what's the answer yeah because if it's no you're not doing anything he'd be like damn does he think he's telekinetic maybe and here's another question do you like it do? Do you like it? I wish we knew.

Are they here? I don't think so, no. Okay. No. It's, I, whenever we get, like, bizarre things like this, I always want to be able to, like, rewind their history and be like, was there a point in time where he did this? Or you sort of, like like said that you like something.

Like maybe he was just like looking at you and you were like, Oh, I really like when you just sort of like take me all in or something like that. And now he, he was not touching you and like you yawned and he mistook it for like an orgasm. I do it all the time.

All the time. Yeah. Walk down the streets and when y'all was like, did, was that, was that me? What did you, nevermind. I'll have what she's having i'm sorry um it's yeah i i think you need to sort of

like look back it's like last month we had a question about someone who was like just blowing on their dick yeah during a blow job and i was like at some point in time i'm sure you they did that and you were like oh and they're they were like, that's it. I'm going to do that. That's going to be twitched. I'm adding that into the old move. It's in the repertoire now. Yeah. So my guess, my bet would be if this dude is attentive and open and really, really good in bed,

at some point in time during your experiences together, you did something that implied that you did in fact like this. Yeah. Or he was talking about what preceded that moment yeah he did something took a break was like do you like this but he meant what we were oh jesus he meant what we were just doing yeah but you are taking it as currently as you're right now right from five feet away so just say what are you what are you talking about this right now you're not doing something yeah so no or or tell them yes like i like when you just look at me up and down like i'm kind of hot sometimes when someone just sort of like stands back and takes y'all in i like that um but i i think yes i think you need to be very very clear if this person is open and

attentive as you say they are just be like I liked what you were doing or you know what I would like more or just clarify are you talking about right now because if they are this cool person that's good and bad hopefully they're open to communication

because I think it's hard to be good and bad if you're not good at communication and then just be like right or, and then let him clarify and then be honest so that if it is something you don't like, he will stop doing it. Yeah. I mean, there's also, like, I think if someone asks you the question, again, it's one of my least favorite questions of like, do you like this? But I think it's an important one to ask every now and then. You can phrase it differently. If you're weirded out by it you can say not a big fan of that one like i i would rather you be doing this to me yeah and hopefully

they will get the hint and they will be like okay cool then i'll do that for sure and they like scrooge mcduck style jump inside you perfect uh also username deleted 31 year old female 32 year Perfect. Also use the name deleted. 31-year-old female, 32-year-old male. My boyfriend is devastated that I've had an orgasm before I met him. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about five months. Heartbreaking. I haven't had an orgasm in bed with him yet, despite his best efforts. I've had this issue with every guy I've dated, and it's definitely a me issue. I've explained to him many times that he's great in bed.

I just need more time to feel comfortable. And eventually it'll happen. A few days ago, he told me he wanted to give me my first orgasm. I thought it was pretty presumptuous. So I told him I actually have had an orgasm before. He pressed me a little more on the details. And I told him it was just once with an ex about a year ago. He went dead silent after this and was just like in shock.

I told him it wasn't a big deal. My ex and I dated for quite a while. Eventually it just happened. He started crying and he said he felt so hurt and even betrayed. I was so confused. This was a long time ago. It's not like I cheated or anything. He said he wasn't mad at me. He just feels really hurt and sad and doesn't know why. It's been an issue for days now and he's still so upset about it. I've talked to him for hours trying to work it through and figure out the problem of why he's so devastated. I feel like he's jealous some other guy was able to make me orgasm but not him. I've told him it was because I knew my ex for longer and eventually just felt more comfortable and eventually I'll be able to with him. I just need

time. I reassure him that I love him. I'm happy with him in bed and that not being able to come easily is my issue that I'm working through. Nothing I say seems to help. He's just inconsolable. I honestly feel like he's overreacting but now I feel kind of hurt that he seems to have such an issue with me having an orgasm with another man. Like, I feel like he views me differently now, and I don't think that's fair. I'm allowed to have had experiences before I met him. He doesn't really know why he feels so strongly either, which makes it a lot harder to discuss it. I've been trying to be patient, but it feels so illogical and unfair that he's upset about this totally normal human experience I had. Any insights as to why he feels

this way or advice? How old are they? That would be a 31 year old and a 32 year old. Oh, that changes my answer drastically because I thought this was going to be like 16, 18. And even then it wouldn't be great. Not great. But I would understand that if this was your first sexual partner and you had this whole thing in your head and you built it up. And look, media and societal expectations of sex and men are very fucked up anyway. Especially when you add in the fact of the societal

expectations of women as virgins and that whole societal construct. Yeah, I would get that. But as a 32 year old man? Look, we've all burst into tears when you found out someone has cum. We've all

done it, right? Show of hands of everyone who's cried when they found out someone else they've been sleeping with has cum show of hands yeah

that table's a mess no one here has cum before right everyone here has been cumless yes thank god

I didn't bring tissues it's just that one table at the date they're still talking about cum. We like to say ways you can salvage things. This is a wreck of a man. I've got a great question.

You look at your partner and say, I would like to be the first person to make you cum. For sure. And then ready the fucking waterworks. Yeah. Get the, like, do the Joey Tribbiani, like, tweezers in the pocket thing and get ready to fucking cry. Yeah. Just be like, you know what?

I'm so sorry that I wasn't your first, but, like, I'm so happy that I was yours. And they, like, squirm. Now, this backfires terribly. Yeah, if you are are if you were there first yeah fuck or and he's acting like a big virgin i don't know that's mean on virgins i'm sorry that was wrong um okay yes i think you this is one of those situations where you do have to sit your partner down and be like look i understand that you have built something in your head you you had a you had a thing in your mind and you've you've accidentally or like we've we've burst that bubble that you had it is unfair of you to punish me for that thing

if this is something you can't get over i'm not going to be your fucking punching bag yeah like the the brunt of your emotional damage and if this is something that is that important to you, let's look for a therapist together for you. Because that's rooted in something much deeper than like, I want to care about you as a sexual partner. It's like, no. No, it's about him. It's not about her at all.

100%. That's the thing. It's like he's taken working towards your orgasm, which is about you, and made the entire thing about him. And it fucking sucks. It's very, very telling as well where they're like, oh, me not coming is a me problem. Yeah. And it's, well, no, it's not. I mean, there might be aspects of it that, you know, your own physical or mental blocks for whatever reason.

Sure. Aspects of it that, you know, your own physical or mental blocks for whatever reason, sure. But it's not your responsibility to orgasm for the sake of another person's ego. Yeah. Especially not a 32-year-old man. Yeah. Yeah. It also takes two to tango. So he is involved somewhat. And let me tell you, it's going to be harder to fucking come after this.

Oh, 100%. Yeah. And it's not, I want to make it very clear that it isn't, you shouldn't lose attractive or attraction to a male partner because they have cried. No, not at all. I want to make that very clear. And we do see it a lot. Like we get a lot of questions of being like, my husband cried at their dad's funeral. Now I can't find them attractive anymore. That's the wrong take.

Yes. dad's funeral now i can't find them attractive anymore that's the wrong take yes but i don't think like the idea that this person is i'm going to assume using these like tears as a means to manipulate you into feeling bad about your past sexual experiences and and sexual partners to make you feel less like devalue you yeah or he's so fucked about the issue that they're genuine tears and that's also an issue again not that he's crying but it's like crying about this yeah is the issue yes so we're divorcing the crying from it it's the why you're crying and you need to get the fuck over it yeah so you you 100 have to sit them down and give them like tough love yes this isn't time to be like oh i'm so sorry you're

hurt let's talk about you it's like no just like okay we've we've discussed your feelings if you can't articulate why you feel this way that is the arena of a professional and if you really cannot figure out why you're in tears over the fact that somebody else in the 31 years i've been alive has made me come before you got your hands on me then that is something that you need to address with a therapist yeah 100 and like again talk through it be like is it that you're insecure you haven't made me come because we're working towards that and again this ain't helping so like get rid of that you know yes just this man i wish he was here wish big group hug from everyone in the room or a group shunning maybe both maybe lock him out in the patio make him watch him through the window

give him a secret letter that says man the fuck up well in a good way in a good way in a positive way in a positive way yes um i think we can, let's do one more question. You got a quick one? I think I got a quick one. This is a quick one. Because I think we can answer this in like one sentence each. Oh, okay. This is from Independent Focus, a bunch of numbers.

Girlfriend doesn't talk during sex. So this is a 27-year-old male and a 27-year-old female. So my girlfriend doesn't talk during sex. Her brain kind of short circuits and she just moans and screams, etc. Now, this might sound like the opposite of a problem. But the thing is, I'd like to pleasure her more. But I can't get her to tell me what she likes more. E.g., does she want it faster, slower?

Does she like it one position more than another? I've tried talking to her about it after the fact. But she just says she likes everything too much, and she can't really tell. Yeah, if she's lost the faculty of speech, I think you're good, dude. You're okay. You could also have a conversation

when she's not coming her brains out, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. There are before and after times, I hope. Well, he does say that they tried to talk about it after, and she's like, no, you're doing a fucking great job. Listen to your partner. Trust them. Trust them.

Also, again, if they have lost the ability to speak, what's the next step? Death. Death. This is someone literally being like. This one's a humble brag. I can read the subtext. It's not girlfriend doesn't talk during sex. It's how do I murder my partner?

It's literally just like, I'm just so good at fucking. What do I do? Yeah, you're doing it. You're fine. I think that is going to do it for the first half of the show. I want everyone to think about a question that you would like to ask us. We will answer those questions. You're going to have about 15-20 minutes to grab another

drink, get some food, go to the bathroom, have a smoke, lube yourself up in the bathroom. We have actually got a bunch of scented lotions in there for you guys if you want to. We're ready to just absolutely ruin your genital skin. And we'll end all that.

See you in 15 to 20. I hope you guys had time to appropriately lube up. Hope everyone went to the bathroom, put their condoms on. If you aren't all slipping off your seats, I'm mad at you. We've got a shit ton of audience questions. You guys delivered. and i'm saying that now i might take it back because i haven't read it yeah we haven't read a single one of these these could be i'm sure someone's just drawing a dick on one of these so i'm actually surprised

how little dicks i'm seeing here yeah good job guys i'm proud of you or disappointed i'm not sure but they're both um so we're just gonna get right into this uh for those of you who just joined us i know we have a few people who came in during the break uh we're a sex and dating advice podcast um we give advice on sex and dating award-winningly award-winningly yes um so let's just jump into it sure me uh if you guys want a business card or anything just hit us up but yeah every monday new episodes we're gonna be a comic-con welcome to the show i'm gonna just we don't these are in no order so yeah first question putting a garment between your bellies to cut down on squelching noises during missionary acceptable ingenious or total mood killer I Is the belly making the squelching noise?

Clearly I I guess it really depends on The garment That you're using Hey definitely If it's sandpaper no That's not a garment

Depends I was thinking more of the lines If you're like A small child's trousers Why the fuck would you think of that? That's what I'm saying. It would be bad. I wouldn't want that.

I would be like, where did those come from? I'm thinking small blanket. Small blanket, sure. Still not a garment. That's true. Maybe a snuggie because that's a garment and kind of like a blanket. Yeah. I think if you are seeing someone to the point where you can communicate, which hopefully is pretty soon, and they're cool, it doesn't matter.

One person's mood killer is another person's, you know, mood enhancer. Now, I will say this. Embrace the squelch. Yeah. Sex is messy. Sex is weird. And the best sex is usually pretty messy. Yeah.

Like, weird noises are going to happen. Laughing, Borat impressions. Weird like scented lotion, unfortunately. Sensations. And a lot of them are wet. Yeah. Both sensations and noises. Hey, if it's not, then you're probably Ben Shapiro.

Ha. They get it. Got them. I think Niall nailed it. If it's something that makes you feel more comfortable, by all means, put a garment in between that. And if you want to explain yourself, explain yourself. If you're part of...

I'm going to guess, if you are a heterosexual couple, I highly doubt any dude is going to be like... He's having sex. Yeah. He's fine. He doesn't give a shit. As long as you're not like you know mummifying yourself

and just like your head peeking out I would be fine with it. I'd be like if that makes you more comfortable sure go for it. But I want you to love the noises that your bodies

are making. It's fine. And there's also probably like you know something sexy you could wear that's like you know you could just do a a half-clothed

fuck you know. Yeah. Like pull your top down. Expose yourself. Or, you know. Lingerie? Lingerie. Have like a little nightie that you can sort of like slip off the top and show your boobs.

Or not. Or whatever you want. Where they just kind of like catch you in the moment and you're just hiking up that dress. Or, if you're a guy, you're being Winnie the Pooh and you still got the t-shirt on. Or you're role-playing as some sort of clothing thief. Yes. And you have like a Santa-style sack over your shoulder. And every now and then you just pull more out to throw on top.

Exactly. And by the end of it, you're covered in a mountain of clothes. Did I tell you? Wait, what? No, that's not my move, I promise. Yeah, again, if it's not a move killer for you and you can talk to your person, you'd probably be good. This is... Oh, we don't have names.

That's the whole point of this. Girl, 25-year-old. When I was living in the Netherlands, I used to hook up with a Dutch guy sometimes during sex. He would ask me to talk to him in a Russian accent. Right now, I see a guy here in Canada. Once in a while, he asks for the same thing. I feel uncomfortable about this. What should I do?

I don't know how to start a conversation well two two different problems here uh are you are you russian that's really important yeah and also can you do a good russian accent probably yes yeah i would if you're comfortable yelling out if you are russian you can yell out if you're not comfortable don't ask if you want to stay anonymous that's fine out if you are Russian, you can yell out. If you're not comfortable, don't ask. If you want to stay anonymous, that's fine. But if you want to just give a whoop, whoop. Yeah, whoop means yes, I'm Russian. Yes, that'll be our thing. Are you Russian? I think that was a laugh and not a whoop, whoop.

Yes, I think that is. Okay, that's a silence. That's fine. That's fine. If you are Russian, you could tell them, hey, that's offensive. Fuck you. I don't want to. My voice is my own yes

if you aren't russian do a really bad russian accent i'll never ask again might i suggest borat i know he's not russian but we've already established earlier in the show not everyone's favorite voice to hear in bed or just be like hold on hold on oh yeah i can do a really good one hold on i just can't get in the zone and leave and and just, like, kill the mood. Like, hold on, 20 minutes. I swear, 20 minutes, I'll have it. Hold on, I really got to hang on the source material and then just put in headphones and just, like, every now and then. Yeah, Boris.

Boris. Yeah, and they're just, they're not going to ask again. I think this is an important question, and I think a lot of people of um different ethnicities and different backgrounds and stuff like that i think get fetishized uh pretty easily people want me to speak irish in bed all the time no one wants that um yeah i i think that like i think you run the risk and i don't think there's any harm in saying to people like there definitely isn't harm i mean no thank you like I that's not something that interests me um thank you for bringing it up

but I find that that's a bit reductive to who I am as a person and I feel like it kind of like fetishizes me a little bit or or even just like hey the effort it takes to do that takes me out of the moment I don't want to do it like much like everything else in bed you could just say no if you're not into it it doesn't matter that it's like oh it's only an accent like if you don't want to do it you do not have to do it or ask him to do like a new zealand accent that's a pretty hard one to do and just be like i i would love for you to do the australian accent and not the hot one not the hot australian accent oh like the back outland yes like the outlands outback jesus i said back Outlands? Yes, like the Outlands. Outback? Jesus. I said back Outlands. I was so close.

You were close. Or just be like, hey, can you really, I want, like, you're from Canada, right? Can you just hit me with that hot, hot Timmons accent? Boy. I really, really, can you just give me your, like, Tim Hortons order? But can you pretend that you're from Sudbury? And you think people want that over Irish? Yeah, just you don't have to say yes to things just because you got asked in the bedroom.

After sex, if your partner sprayed cum on you, who should clean? And they drew a very good scream face emoji. That is pretty good. Yeah, there's two questions, which is why I paused, because it didn't make sense. But we'll get to that one after. Okay. Who should clean up, Dane? I think it is always nice if you are the one to do the spraying.

Yeah, that's great. To offer a towel or a Kleenex. For sure. If you just are like, hey, that's your problem now. You suck. Shouldn't have been in the way, idiot. Yeah. Gotcha.

And then you sit there and watch them like struggle to like keep it off the bed. No, like it's a- Unless that's part of your thing. But if it was- Some people like to be covered. And that's, but I am assuming by the picture that you drew of the scream, that could be a very happy face. It's not. It's face. It's not. It's not.

It's not. Yeah, just like, it should be much like sex, a collaborative effort. Yeah. I don't necessarily think you have to towel them off. Yeah, they shouldn't just like,

also just lie there while you like, carefully detail them. Yeah, because I think that's a recipe of getting things in eyes. Yeah. It's bad news.

But like, you, it's both. Takes two to tango. 100%. And then the second one is, am I allowed to be bitter that my girlfriend gets five to ten orgasms

while I only get one? Hey, guess what? The orgasm gap exists. You're making up for all the other people who are just having a bad time. It's like complaining that your girlfriend

got a raise at work and is now making more money than you and ignoring the fact that women have historically been paid less than men and still are also just fucking deal with your girlfriend's got a promotion that's good for you too if your girlfriend's getting 10 orgasms guess what good for you too you did a great job yeah i can't understand people who like like look at people having a great time who's also presumably having a great time yeah you still came dude like i've never finished having sex after having a lovely time and orgasming and

then being like wish i had more of those and hey look let's be fair i would fucking love to have five to ten orgasms but like if they were different orgasms though right like i'll take as many as i can get but but you're forgetting okay but wait let me just okay yes but one if you want to be bitter about it who are you getting me mad at jesus it's not your girlfriend's fucking fault and i will say i will fucking caveat all of this that we did once answer a question about like guys having one orgasm and that tantric sex Twitter got really angry at us. It's probably the closest we've ever gotten to hate mail where they were like, how dare you spread lies that men can only have one orgasm per session. You should practice tantric sex.

So maybe look into that. Yeah. But what like my point is, presumably, if you're coming multiple times, you've got to swap condoms. Yes. Right. If I'm to swap condoms. Yes. Right? If I'm using five condoms every time I have sex, I'm poor. Yeah, you have to get up, go to the bathroom,

get more lotion. Yeah. The wage gap is fucking me at that point. Yeah. All of a sudden, that 75 cents adds up real quick, ladies. That's all I'm saying. No, you cannot be bitter. And if you have to be, be bitter to Jesus, not your girlfriend.

Okay. Is whiskey dick real? Because I was seeing this. I don't like how you put man in quotations. Whoa. For like eight months. And he truly struggled getting hard. So naturally, I'm like, am I the problem?

I know I'm not. Because he definitely had a drinking problem. But at some point, you begin to internalize it right yes whiskey dick is definitely a thing 100 uh don't appreciate the you know commas over man because your masculinity doesn't rely on like how effectively you can get hard uh he might be suffering from many things mental physical, physical, alcoholic. Obviously addiction. Yeah. So, yes, it sucks when your partner cannot, in this instance, reach arousal.

But, like, one, don't internalize it. I know it's easier said than done because that is definitely a thing that can take a toll on you. But, two, don't, like, resort to, like, emasculating them. That's not cool. Yeah, nothing is going to fix the problem of erectile dysfunction like making someone feel absolutely garbage about it. Yeah, it's like the orgasm question earlier. It's like being a piece of shit about it, making a big deal about it,

definitely is not helping that girl reach orgasm. And this is definitely not going to help them get hard. So it's like if that is the case and if it is drinking, know you could be like hey how about we hook up when you're not drunk and if they're unwilling to do that is that the partner for you probably not yeah but don't resort to this don't let me bitter and toxic and shitty because that is not good and yeah i now nailed the head on that like don't we need to divorce the idea of it's an aspect of toxic masculinity that is perpetuated from both sides of the thing of being like erection equals man and like sexual virility equals man.

And if a man can't perform sexually, then they are somehow less of it would be the same thing as being like, you know, when, when we think that women are devalued after having sex, it's a societal construct of what we think a man is. Like matching people's worth to aspects of sexuality. It's bullshit.

So understand, it is frustrating. I think you need to take a good hard look of like, if you are happy with this person. Because it does say, oh, you were seeing, okay. Yeah, you have to evaluate whether or not this is something you want to be doing if yeah if for whatever reason if every time you hook up he's too drunk to have sex i know if i was sleeping with a woman and every time they came over they were fucking hammered that would be the worst i would i would say that we like i would give you a one

a one chance and then like if that was a repeat thing I would be like I'm going to call it quits on this so I think you do need to one evaluate what this relationship means to you and two don't equate masculinity to erections what if I really like a guy

but I don't like the way his dick looks damn that's a good question put a little hat on it have you tried costumes But I don't like the way his dick looks. Damn, that's a good question. Put a little hat on it. Yeah. Have you tried costumes? Yeah. No one has ever looked at anything with googly eyes on it and not liked it.

Hey, yeah. They're so cute. Have you looked at it and yelled, makeover? Have you tried taking its glasses off and undoing its hair? Yes. Pulling the ponytail out? Getting it out of those overalls? Walk down from upstairs

slow motion while you stare beside her dad and brother. Yeah. You all know what I'm talking about, right? Right, yes. She's all that?

I want to know how bad it is. For you. Like, not the dick, but your perception. I want to see what a train wreck of a dick this is. If you've got pictures, send them to Niles. They did draw.

They drew a really. No, they didn't. Hmm. Just don't look at it. Okay. You know what? In the immortal words of one of my friends. I can't wait.

Dad's when we were like 11. I don't remember what he said about, but it was something like we were talking about like hooking up. I'm so excited right now. And he kind of just casually strolled into the living room. And he's a big like heavy set dude. And he was like smoking. And we were saying something about like hooking up. And he just kind of looked at us.

We all went quiet. And he said, you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire. Which is I now realize the opposite advice. So you got to look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire. Which is, I now realize the opposite advice. You gotta look at it. Maybe, yeah, give it a good, just, just sit him down,

unleash it, and just be like, I just need like four or five minutes alone. Maybe like match wills with it. Like just hold it and look at it. Tame it. You know what I mean?

The way that you're not supposed to look a dog in the eyes. Yes, you are supposed to look this dick in its eye. In its singular, singular eye. It just says looks, right? Yeah.

And this thing, does it feel good? If it feels good, great. Yeah. And I really like, what are you doing that you're really looking at it? Yeah.

It should like, depending on what you're doing that you're really looking at it? Yeah. It should, like, depending on what you're doing, it should be, for the most part, concealed by a mouth, hands. Yeah. Butt. Butt. Vagina. Vagina. Arm.

No, don't do that one. Two more things. Hat. Googly eyes. Okay, we're back to that. Condom. Lotion. A heavy, a heavy dollop of lotion. And here Googly eyes. Condom. A heavy dollop of lotion. And here's the thing.

Again, if you aren't into it, then call it quits. No one's forcing you to... You literally cannot do the makeover we suggested. Assumedly. I don't know. But like, fuck it. If everything else is good about it, you're probably not going to be looking at it that much. And if you are,

maybe that's a you problem. Maybe you're the weird one. You're like there on the couch. He's five feet away. You're probably not going to be looking at it that much. And if you are, maybe that's a you problem. Maybe you're the weird one. You're like there on the couch. He's five feet away. You're like, do you like this? Is this good for you? Just staring at it? It might be weird looking, but you're looking weird.

Whoa. Did it. Thank you. I'm out. It's never going to get better than that. We should leave. Struggling as I confront my 40s with wanting to fuck all the 25-year-old men in my life whilst also wanting to be in a serious monogamous relationship in a world where E&M is the norm. Okay.

Fuck the young man while you're looking for your, you know, monogamous partner. You can literally do both of these things. Yeah. And I would say you're most likely going to find what you're looking for by doing this thing. Yeah. Right? Like, no one finds their monogamous serious relationship partner by not sleeping with people. Mm-hmm. I don't think.

No, very rarely. But it's like, yeah, you go out, you meet people, you date, you're sleeping with them. And then at some point it becomes good enough that it's serious, right? Yeah. So if you do that and if it's with people you don't see a future with but you like the sex, keep having the sex while you look for the person that you see the future with. Yeah. And hopefully if E&M is the norm, as you claim, your other partners would be very happy, hopefully, when you find another. Like they should be cool with the fact that you're your other partners would be very happy hopefully when you find another like they should be cool with the fact that you're seeing other people yeah and therefore when you

find that person that you connect with you could be like hey i had a really great time with you um i found someone i want to pursue a relationship with and they should if they are uh participating in em yeah um that is ethical non-monogamy, by the way, if you don't know. Yeah, I got you. If that's how they, if they're actually practicing it, the response should be like, hell yeah, I'm so excited for you.

I had a great time with you. You know, look me up if it doesn't work out. For sure. Yeah, so it's like, this is one of the rare occasions where you can eat your cake and have it. And also what you're going to do, which is very fun is going to be the stepping stones towards finding a serious partner because realistically you got to

go through that in-between stage of like figuring out if you actually like somebody and if you want to stay with them anyway so you're you're golden gold and we've got so many questions on this oh it's just just a whole bunch of them, huh? Yeah. Okay. I think a few of these might be jokes. Why do hot and cool women always date losers, brackets, men? Hey, if they didn't, I'd be fucked. Where's your science now? What the fuck? Oh, how do I seduce my partner on St. Patrick's Day? You wear a leprechaun. Same as any other day. Same as any other day.

Have a big pot of gold on your parts and have a fucking rainbow running all the way down your body and say, hey, go find my hidden treasure. Yeah. And it's your parts. What is a scrotum? Is smegma a turnoff? Yeah, well, you know what? There's probably someone out there who likes smegma, so I won't say emphatically. But hey, for me and probably I imagine most people.

Hey, I'll ask you guys. Is smegma a turn-off? No. Yes. Yikes. Well, inconclusive. Hold on. Can we rewind back to the first question is, what is a scrotum?

Okay. back to the first question is what is a scrotum okay this is pretty clinical but the scrotum is the fleshy sack that contains the testes that's what it is yeah hey have you heard of balls yeah that's them how often should I be washing my vibrator? Every time? Every time you use it. Every time. And I don't. Every time. Every time. And also, do it safely. There is actual chemicals that you can use to clean it safely.

Or even like, Love Honey do those wipes too, right? There's wipes. You can get them at any sex toy store. You can get them online at any sex toy retailer. There's a very easy way to clean it and I would highly highly highly highly recommend that you clean every one of your sex toys every time you use it you got more sorry I thought there was a couple more than double there's three more in the next one Jesus okay you guys are writing essays. I love it.

Is it a form of abuse if your girlfriend withholds sex? And do they get addicted to this power slash content? Context? Something? We'll just say power. The last word really isn't that important.

Control? Okay. Nailed it. The last word really isn't that important. Control. Control? Okay. Nailed it. It depends on how it's done. Yes. If they don't want to have sex, they're not withholding sex. They just don't want to have sex.

Yes. If they are using it to manipulate you, if sex is being withheld maliciously or... Yeah. If it's used as a reward of being like, you didn't do this, so you're not getting fucked tonight. Yeah, if it's a punishment like, oh, you talked to your coworker I don't like, so you're not getting fucked for two weeks. Or like, if you don't do the laundry, I'm not going to fuck you. Like, that's weird because it's like this weird reward, like carrot bullshit. But if someone just doesn't have sex with you, that's not them withholding sex.

And I know a lot of very toxic men love to be like, withholding sex is bad. Yes! No, that's not the carte blanche you think it is. Yeah. So do they get addicted to the power slash control? I'm sure there are terrible women out there who love to manipulate men this way.

And vice versa. But yeah, there's plenty of dudes out there who gaslight manipulate men this way um and vice versa but yeah there's plenty of dudes out there who gaslight women in a number of ways who also love that power so so yes withholding sex is abuse but there is a difference between withholding and not having yeah and yes i'm sure they definitely do get addicted to it uh i threw a work party with a bunch of people i don't like just so i could invite my work crush. Am I crazy? Thank you.

You got a hot off the presses one. We'll get to you next. What's a dick? Oh, someone drew a dick. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, hit me with that one more time. I threw a work party with a bunch of people I don't like just so I could invite my work crush.

Am I crazy? No. I mean, I guess it depends on how many people you don't like. I think there's a ratio of, I'm in a room full of like 40 fucking people that I cannot stand only so I can talk to this one person. Because at that point, why not just say, hey, do you want to grab a drink after work? And that's the thing.

The answer is there are better ways to do it. Are you crazy? Hopefully not. could you have done it better for sure and the better way is just fucking ask about it yeah and doesn't even have to be oh let's go on a date it could just be like hey you want to hang out and then see how it goes and see if it transitions you know what i mean it doesn't have to be the big leap it can be a little step first but like you guys hanging out one-on-one is going to be better than you guys hanging out in a room with people you fucking hate anyway yeah because for sure your vibe isn't going to be good

like yeah you're just like tense and see if instead of you all here it was just all the people i can't fucking stand i wouldn't have you having a good time up here and the show would be terrible because i would just be like i don't give a fuck if these people are having a good time every question i'd be like hey fuck fuck you. Oh, this is a good question. The answer is, go fuck yourself. I'm having a bad good. I'm glad you're having a bad time. No, you guys are awesome.

Next one. What's wrong with dating guys named Chaz? You know. We don't have to answer that. You fucking know. You know exactly what he done. My girlfriend got Chaz'd. Hold on. We don't have to answer that. You fucking know. You know exactly what he done. My girlfriend got... Jazzed.

Hold on. Got my Prince Albert... My? Stuck in her braces. Okay. My Prince... Whoa. My Prince Albert...

No, my girlfriend got her Prince Albert stuck in her braces. My... My... Oh, Jesus Christ. You're writing. Not one... No. My girlfriend got my Prince Albert stuck in her braces.

Now she won't go down on me. I think I look cool as fuck. Do I remove it or do I keep it and keep my ego in check? So for those of you who don't know, a Prince Albert is a penis piercing. Yep. Look, this is up to you, my man. If you want to keep it and she says, I don't feel safe with that situation, I get it. The last thing I would ever want to do is cause general mutilation to my partner or tooth elation.

No. Come on. Someone has to have liked that one. So it's definitely up to you. If you're cool with not getting a blowjob, you can't hold it against your partner. She's made her call. She's made her boundary of being like, hey, this doesn't feel safe. Yeah, that's a very reasonable call to make.

Yes, absolutely. Because one, she also had a dick stuck in her mouth. Yeah. It's not great, right? Also, that emergency room visit, hopefully it didn't go there. Maybe it did. I don't know. But no one wants that.

It's like the reverse of those people in the horse costumes. You know, like, there's, like, the back half and the front half. But, like, you guys are facing the front way. Because, like, she would presumably be bent over while you. Oh, yeah, that's true. Right? Yeah, yeah. Like, walking like a.

Yeah, it's going to be really awkward to get to the hospital like that. Yeah. So, I get it. So, it's like, if you want to remove it, sure. If you're cool with that, go for it. Like if you want to just forego blowjobs, cool. Or if you guys want to work again and try to do it more safely, that's always an option. But like she definitely gets the input in that massively because it's her braces and her teeth.

I don't know who in their right mind would have a Prince Albert and look at a mouth with braces in it and be like, this is a good idea. Yeah, I would like, I'm surprised the thing isn't, hey, it got stuck and now I'm terrified to put my dick back in there again because I want it back. Yeah. She might keep it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't think she'd keep it, but she would certainly keep the piercing. And that's worse.

This is the one hot off the presses. My friend recently announced that he and his new girlfriend are expecting a baby. His very new girlfriend. We are talking conception within the first two weeks. They also have announced to the world at four weeks. Am I a bad friend for being a bit more concerned than I am happy? No. No.

No, you are not. No, you're a good friend. There is a reason why most couples wait a little bit of time before announcing a pregnancy. There's a lot that can go wrong. And wait a little bit of time before getting pregnant. Absolutely. For sure. I get it.

I'm 100% on your side here. I think it's a very tricky situation to navigate in terms of. Yeah. You can't. Well, you can. But that's a them call. Like, unfortunately, you don't have a say in the matter. So it's like you could be concerned.

But your concern doesn't really factor into their situation if they're not getting it, you know, if they're going ahead with the pregnancy. So it's kind of best to keep that to yourself, unfortunately. Yes. What you need to be is on standby. You need to be ready to be a friend. Should it go poorly? Yes. There's like, no one benefits from, I told you so. Yeah. No one benefits from, like, ah, I thought that was a bad idea. You might feel good for half a second, but everything after that's going to fucking suck. If this goes poorly, it goes poorly in so many ways.

Yeah. Like, the worst case scenario, or, like, all the bad case scenarios in this are really, really bad. So I think you really just need to take a deep breath, swallow your pride, clock the fact that I think it makes you a good friend to be concerned about your friend.

But I think you do need to just sort of like let them be there. It makes you a better friend to be able to swallow that feeling and be a good friend. And wait for your time to help, comfort, and support should it need. And celebrate

if it all works out. Yeah. If it all works out, great, great. Perfect, cool. But if it doesn't work out, you need to be, you've got to take a step back

and be like, I knew that was going to suck for you. I knew this was going to blow up in your face. You fucking idiot. That's bad. That's not it. I'm out.

Okay, here. I got more. All right. How do I change a relationship to friends? Was casually seeing someone caught feelings, here. I got more. All right. How do I change from relationship to friends? Was casually seeing someone caught feelings but he is unavailable.

Says he wants more, says he wants more but can't because his life is blowing up. Lost job, truck broke down, lost apartment. He is a part

of a mutual friend group but there is much hesitation. I'm nervous, I'll get hurt. He won't talk to me about all the things that are happening, but will message me when he's out partying. I feel like a friendship would be better,

but don't know how to transition. So it sounds like you want to break up. Yeah. Is that what I'm getting? That's a breakup what you're deciding? Yeah, I think transitioning to friends, maybe transitioning out of the relationship. Very easy.

That's something you can do. Yeah. It's really not up to you whether or not this goes from relationship to friends. But you can literally just be like, Hey, what's happening here? Isn't working still like you would like to remain friends and they can take

it or leave it. And I think most of the time, depending on like to remain friends and they can take it or leave it and i think most of the time depending on like to say how long no depending on how long it is or how serious it is or who you guys are as a person people as a people you know what i mean uh it can often take a lot of time apart to be able to transition back to friends it's very hard to just like click your fingers and be like we're friends yeah uh and i think you need to be ready for the fact that you probably won't be at least initially um but yeah if you're done with the relationship you do need to tell them by all means offer to be friends

and if they're down great but even if they are down the odds are that it's not going to work pretty quickly and if it does again great but just be ready for that not to be perfect. Also be ready to feel bad about the fact that, like, this dude seems to be having a tough go with things. Yeah. Don't let that guilt talk you into staying into a relationship you don't want to be in longer. Right? That's not good for anybody. Him being very, be like, ah, fuck, you know, truck broke down, lost my job, lost my apartment, and now you're breaking up with me. I feel like it would be very, very easy to be like, fuck you know truck broke down lost my job lost my apartment now you're breaking up with me i feel like it would be very very easy to be like oh sorry and then like stay in that

relationship but no one benefits from staying in a relationship they don't want to be in because now you're just like pro you've you've ripped a band-aid off and then you've put it back on and now you're slowly tearing it off yeah you're just making it worse yeah you're doubling down on the shit be careful not to be like hey i'm dumping you because your life sucks yeah because that sucks yeah just i i here's what i would say is i don't feel like i can support you as a romantic partner right now but i can support you as a friend and i feel like that is the the safest way for me to do that or or the the best way for me to do that or the best way for me to do that. And I would really, really like to be there for you going forward.

Or even just like the reason you gave us, which is that you caught feelings you want to move on, but he won't slash can't. So it's like, great. That's a very reasonable thing to say to someone. Be like, hey, I wanted this to move forward, but you said you're not available and I don't really want to be in this gray area. I like you as a friend. Can we do that? And don't listen to him when he says okay let's get together because chances are he's just saying that because he doesn't want to lose another thing in his life and then you're getting the you know commit stick to your guns no matter what it is if you want to break up with them break up with them and don't let the guilt or the the misdirection get you

now these two questions were were left shamefully on tables last month, and no one handed them up. And we found them later on. So, I was going to read them out. And if it was you and you came back, shame on you. One's fine. Did you ever hand out branded condoms as promotional material? So, we thought about it.

We thought it was a good idea. One, it's, getting, like, branded condoms is so expensive. Very expensive. It was it was a good idea. One, it's getting like branded condoms is so expensive. Very expensive. It was like, I think like over $200 for I think 50. We are not wealthy. Condoms. And two, I don't know how safe buying branded condoms on Amazon is.

Yeah, especially off like random brands you've never heard about. If it was like, hey, Durex want to, you know, sure. But like, I don't even remember the fucking names steve's cool dick rapper steve's cool rubber device yeah no uh so funnily enough podcasting doesn't make you a lot of money maybe one day and lastly and this one i realize we're all gonna know why this was left in shame how to convince my girlfriend to start an OnlyFans. Don't. Don't. Just don't do it.

It's not your decision to make. That is, I will say, unless she, every time she opens her laptop, the, like, create a new page of OnlyFans opens up. And you can tell that she wants to. Yeah, if every day she's like. But hasn't been able to take the leap. Chaz, fuck. I just, I can't click the button. I just, I really want a Chaz.

And you're like, hey, girl, you're beautiful. You are loved. You can do what you want. Your body is your own. And then she's like, well, thank you, Chaz. You're not like all those other Chaz's. And then you Healy away because your name is Chaz and there's no way you're not wearing Healy's. We got a few more questions, I think.

Thank you for all those. They were great. Yeah, you guys fucking came out. You kind of framed them. I like that you guys applauded for yourselves. Yeah, are you applauding for yourselves, you weirdos? Who fucking started that? Get them a shot.

What we got? What time we got? We got time for like one more. Okay. Oof. I got a good one. I got some good ones. Okay.

Fuck. I'm going to hit you. This one maybe is quick. Maybe we can do both. So they do tenders and stuff. We'll do this one. Okay. 32-year-old male, 58-year-old male.

Accidentally got into bed with my father-in-law. Extremely embarrassing. It's not an accident. My father-in-law is staying with us and he has our bedroom while he's here. Wife and I were drinking and watching TV and she went upstairs earlier. I'd had a few and accidentally went into our room. He had the covers on so I could only see an outline of his body. I got naked and got into bed.

Rolling over, I spooned who I thought was my wife. He then turns around, switches on the bedside light, and yells my name loudly. I panic, leap out of bed, try to put my boxers on, but trip over and fall down. Ultimately, I ended up crawling out of the room. I'm now on the couch downstairs, too embarrassed to go anywhere near upstairs.

Yikes. Oh, I do see that this was sent in from 2000's Ben Stiller. Look, I... Is it an accident? Was this your... Oh, okay. Does your dad have a hot bod?

You saw the outline in the sheets. That's all I'm saying. How... I need an honest answer how hard did you get when he yelled your name did that did that awaken something in you you you need to fake your death yeah you 100 have to to. The next time you see this man say, oh, hey, did I mention that I've taken up recreational flying? Yeah, I'm starting to get my pilot's license. I'm going out for my first flight on my own today, and I'm really, really excited. And then you hire someone to crash a plane into a building. Yeah. No, no. Not that. Mountain? And then you hire someone to crash a plane into a building.

No, no. Not that. Mountain? Into the side of a ravine? The sea. The sea. Fuck the fishes. Damn, you took that the worst way.

I, yeah. Get out. No, don't. No, don't do that. We're going to edit that out, guys. No, just, yeah, you gotta fake your own death. You can't come back from this. You know what I think?

If you do want to die, I think you look your wife in the eyes and say, Sorry, baby, just looks so much like you. His body, I literally can't tell you guys apart. If you guys turn around and stand with your backs, I don't know which one I want to fuck. There's no way of knowing. Honey, he looked, felt, and smelled exactly like you. Yeah. It's not my fault. Your dad's got a dump truck.

Maybe if your dad wasn't so fucking hot. You hear me, Larry? You fucking hear me? Get out of that bed. Hey, no, actually, you stay in that bed. I'm cold for you. Thanks, Chaz. I think it's going to be it for questions tonight. That is it for questions, but we're not done. Don't fear. We've got more, and it's our Tinder review section of the night. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto either Tinder or Bumble or Hinge and peruse the

dating profiles out in the wild and comb them for red flags. See what works, see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. So we're going to have a little audience involvement and the audience involvement is going to be, if you would swipe right, you're going to clap. So we're going to read a profile. We're going to read the, we're not going to probably do it the other way because I don't know how many good ones you've got. That's fine. We're going to read the whole thing. We're not going to talk about photos because we don't like to many good ones you've got. That's fine. We're going to read the whole thing. We're not going to talk about photos because we don't like to talk about people's personality.

It's just a text. Unless there's a photo that's wild, that needs to be discussed, and it's important. We're just going to do text. So once we're done with the text, we're going to turn it on over to you guys, and we will say yay or nay. If it's a yay, you give us a big old round of applause. I'm going to start with Adam. Not anyone in this room, by the way. Or is it?

Or is it? Maybe it is. Is it weird? I want to see another girl lick you out, but I might kill her because I'm jealous. Can't figure it out. What is that emoji at the end there? I think it's an ice cube. I'll do it again.

I'm so sorry for those that already heard this because it's not great. Is it weird I want to see another girl lick you out? But I might kill her because I'm jealous. I can't figure it out. And then there's a fucking ice cube or something. I don't know. It is an ice cube. It is a fucking ice cube.

It is an ice cube. That makes it better. So we're going to turn it on over to you. Would you swipe yes on this charming gentleman? I'm so glad nobody clapped. That's powerful energy. It's really great that you're not only saying you're jealous, you're also saying you're maybe murderous.

Fucking sick combo, dude. I think it's important. I think more men on online dating should admit that they could be a threat. Yeah, this is... He has done a service. And that service is that you will not, hopefully, swipe on this fucker. You got more or do I keep going? I'm actually on Tinder right now.

Oh, he's a live sourcer. I'll just keep going until you find one. Okay. Now, this is weird because it's the caption to a temporary profile picture that a man in his, I would say, 60s posted. But it does read like a dating profile. So, Eam says, oh, Christ. I saw it. He kind of looks like Ron Perlman in Sons of Anarchy, but like the wish.com version.

Yeah. No tattoos, pierccings or hair dye i like my women like i like my truck clean and ready for a load all right hold on let me just cover my ears for the thunderous applause this is gonna get can we get a can we get a round of applause for everyone who's saying yes to this gentleman get out do we do we note that he's not actually a horse yeah we lost one okay so it's just one person now you got one no I can't I'll keep going you know what dry for me tonight and by that I mean everyone seems fine oh that's good hey I'm not gonna complain about that that. I'm going to hit you with this one.

Sure. Single mom of one. Dog mom to a pug. Work in property management. Live in Midtown. Now I say that because you want to rag on Midtown? I was going to say landlords. Yeah, it's not great.

That is going to be a minus, but I do love pugs. So it gets like a six. Okay. What would you guys swipe would you swipe would you swipe we got tentative okay okay we uh 38 oh no absolutely not uh this one was sent into us by an audience member because they're brave. Ooh. Check out my TikTok. And it's their TikTok.

Happily partnered. Sorry if I don't reply. Nothing personal. I just suck at Grindr. What's your favorite anime? Fully Vax, 3 out of 3, and Box 2. Would you swipe on this gentleman? Okay. So what I love about this is you get the this gentleman? Okay.

So what I love about this is you get the important things in there, happily partnered, favorite anime. It's a conversation piece, lets you know about them. And then vaccination status disclosed where it's important. I will say I found out some really cool things about Grindr, which is that they have like a big whole like stats section. And I really appreciate that they have like your last tested date and stuff in there. So that's really cool.

That is very cool. And it's a choice to include them and they are included. And that is sex positive, healthy, safe. Love it. Okay, this is Taylor. She's 25 for those who really want to fixate on that. The probability of me dating you or sorry, the probability of me beating you in mini golf is high i like a challenge and i like mini golf would you swipe on this person you swipe on

this person hey okay you got some mini golf fans because you could do the fun thing of being like i would beat the shit out of you in mini golf. And then if you lose, I let you win. Or you just make it a fun bet. Yeah. Winner does something sexy for the loser. Winner lubes the comment. Winner supplies the lotion. And then the last one for me.

Okay. This is Daniel. He's 23. You must be 5'8 or shorter. Must live close enough to be on my house within 10 minutes after I've made the call. Must be genuinely passionate, intelligent enough to be good company, having the ability to take D and very attractive brackets, Mia Khalifa baby face or British milf body type. If you have a body fat percentage higher than 8, swipe left. Must be employed

and have a car. Must be open to spontaneous, freaky, crazy segs. S-E-G-G-Z. Prefer to walk around without clothes. Must know when to speak and when to shut the fuck up. This one we're going to do differently. Clap if you would swipe

no. Because the silence might have killed us all. My favorite thing is someone opened the elevator. It opened up and you're like, must be ready for spontaneous freaky sex. And it was just like. Very good. Well, the people that arrived did leave. oops uh that's that's me what hey what the fuck is british milf body type because when i think when i think older british woman no shade to older british women but it's not it's also varied you would imagine especially because this

man very clearly likes his porn. Yeah. Because it sounds like that's the only interaction he's had with women. So, I'm sure, yeah, just... Hey, for those of you who are, who have deep-dived into porn categories, is there a very specific

website that features specifically British milfs? Of course. There's something for everything. Okay. We'll talk later. No one's yelled it out. So I guess we don't. Imagine that. No one really wants to confess to that one. Oh yeah. I love that. I'm surprised horse table didn't yell out that. I don't know. You got one? No, that's it for me. All right. You know what, guys? We got one thing left and that is our bad sex writing segment but before that thank you you guys are all fucking awesome we

really appreciate you coming out spending a little time with us being wonderful uh it means a lot and we are also at comic-con this weekend if you want to swing by yes if you are going to comic-con for whatever reason we are there saturday and sunday for most of the day at the Canadian Podcast Award booth. On top of that, we are here every third Thursday every month. Yep. And we would love for you to come by again and maybe bring some friends or just yourselves because you fucking rock. So the next show would be April 20th. Yep.

We will be here doing some things. Thank you. Is it 420? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. We're going to get day and high for the first time.

And on top of that, we do have a podcast that releases episodes every Monday. So if you liked this, you'll probably like that. We're a little bit more sober sometimes.

It's true. It's called Fuck Buddies, a sex and dating advice podcast. You can find it on pretty much everywhere. Everywhere. The website is fbud dating advice podcast. You can find it on pretty much everywhere. The website is fbuddiespodcast.com to find us on all of your preferred things.

And finally, thank you very much to Josh Eagle and the Harvest City for their song Paper Stars. That's fucking my thing to say, you piece of shit. I've never done it and I wanted to see what it felt like. Now the burden has lifted. No, you're not a burden, Josh Eagle. I'm sorry.

Okay, everyone, there's one stipulation. You all have to get comfy. And I don't believe you unless you make a noise. You have to make an audible noise to get comfy. All right? They're comfy. Wiggle, comfy, comfy, comfy. Yes, yes, I see it.

Love it. This one's going to be a lot shorter than last month's one, which was a man fucking a Tetris cube. It's also going to be a little different to that one. I'm sorry. But this is an excerpt from an article in the Toronto Star. Power is sexy, I guess. But there is well...

Oh, sorry, I fucked up. Damn it. Power is sexy, I guess. But there is as well the power of a young woman's body in an old man's arms. The power of a mutual attraction that takes your breath away. The power of passionate romance proffered when you thought those days of thrilling aliveness were long gone. I know how deeply hurtful infidelity is to the betrayed, but I can't blame consenting adults for chasing, for surrendering to forbidden desire. You know who I mean.

We've gotta let John Tory we gotta stop him it's literally about John Tory nailed it I'm gonna go vomit so nice my computer decided

now when I need to cue our exit music to update thank you very much friends we've been my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Payne

we've been your fuck buddies thank you So, my English friends, we've been, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. We've been your Fuck Buddies. Thank you.