F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 244 - Protect Trans People

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Happy Pride Month, y'all.  As much as Pride is a celebration, it's also a moment to reflect and educate ourselves on the hardships our queer friends and family are facing.  There is currently almost 500 anti-LGBT laws being tracked in the US alone.  This Pride Month, let's focus on adding our voices to those that fight against this oppression and systemic discrimination.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Mal Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our incredible listeners and we answer them right here, right now, every Monday. I don't know why. You've said that very similarly for a very long time now and this was the first time where all i heard was like the right here right now you know that song wait hold on is that is that dang huh what yeah oh sorry i can't see you through all the smoke are you talking about the fact that our country is currently on fire yeah we're currently in a city that is the third worst air quality in the world. So that's fun. Sorry, continue.

I don't know that song and I don't know why it's today. Maybe it is smoke inhalation has gotten to you. It's true. I mean, not to bum anyone out or anything, but someone did just die in a fire near me. So quite literally, the city is on fire and it's bad that's not good yeah as nelly once said it is getting hot in here actually it's getting colder because apparently smoke does that because it blocks out the sun it is yes it is getting cooler in toronto which hey maybe that's how we solve global warming yeah we just burn everything

and all choke to death we just find a country and set it on fire. And that's, that's the fire country now. And this is how we make the avatar. Perfect. Uh, ready for a question? Yeah. I'll start us off with a user submitted question.

Hmm. And it's one of our, shall we say, what's the word? Returning our champions. One of the champions, one of our celebrity guests? One of our consistent posters?

I don't know. They're a fucking legend. You've heard them before. It's the return of Pinoy Boy Toy. I'll edit in some applause here. Hell yeah. I was kind of waiting. They say, Hey boys, how's it been? Hope you're doing great. I have a dilemma now. For some reason, I've been

attracted to three women who are in long-term relationships. The first two, we had For some reason, I've been attracted to three women who are in long-term relationships. The first two, we had a great connection, but I didn't pursue, even though both ladies would react and comment to my stories and would ask to meet up. I knew I could take them away from their boyfriends, but chose not to out of principle. Both eventually married said boyfriends, and one of them keeps flirting with me each time we meet. Don't worry, I won't do anything to her, especially now she's married. However, the third lady is not yet married and is totally my type. She's smart, successful, plays golf, and we've been chatting back and forth for weeks. I met her at a golf fundraiser and she recently invited me to go play golf with her in a few weeks. I couldn't resist, so I said yes and even

challenged her to do karaoke after. She agreed. Now I'm stuck with this moral dilemma again. She's not engaged and this is her first boyfriend. From what I'd gathered from our common friends, the relationship is rocky at the moment. She's taking her masters 15 minutes away from my place, and I'm frequently tempted to invite her over. What's your take on this? I really like her and would like to explore a relationship with her,

but I know it's not right. But I feel like I'll regret it if I don't act on it the same way I felt with the first two girls that got away. Well, I mean, you did kind of answer your question when you say, you know, it's not right. Yep. And unfortunately, like I could give you suggestions of being like, you know, just being honest with them and being like, hey, I find you very attractive. And I do feel like there's a bit of a connection and I feel like maybe hanging out is a bad idea because I'm, I'm a little more invested in this than you are. And, you know, pushing the brakes there because you're not sort of giving them an ultimatum.

You're not really giving them, uh, like you're not telling them to break up with their boyfriend or whatever, but you're being honest about your attraction. You're being honest about your feelings. And you're also taking the root of being like, I don't think this is a good idea for me because I find you very attractive. I'm attracted to you. I like you and you're in a relationship. And I feel like that is an unfair thing for me. And I think it's unfair for you and your partner.

So I want to pump the brakes. And then that puts the ball in her court. Whatever she wants with that information. And you've done it on a way that is, it's not manipulative. It's not like you're not trying to steal away or anything. You know what I mean? Cause like it's confident and it's honest.

Yeah. And it's arguably kind because you're letting your, you know, you're, you're seeing straight up what your kind of vibe of the whole situation is while stepping away you know so you're not going oh i like you break up your boyfriend you're saying i like you so we probably shouldn't meet up yeah um but yeah because like i think that is a very responsible i think it's a very respectful way to do it i think it makes your intentions very clear. So if for whatever reason, she isn't happy with her partner and she is interested in you, she knows that like, you know, your cards are on the table. You've shown her your hand.

And if she wants to, you know, fold on her relationship and start playing with you, that's fine. That's cool. But cool but if not then she knows you know where where your mindset is and i think really that is kind of as far as you can go in terms of making a move yeah and i think you then also need to be ready for if she is like oh i don't mind or like my boyfriend doesn't have to know you say no because like that is not a good move for anybody it's not good for you it's not good for them it's definitely not good for the partner and it's like if you want to fuck someone you could probably fuck somebody else but this is no way to start a relationship you know what i mean so it's like if a relationship is the goal you're looking for

with this person cheating on them with their partner is gonna suck shit because you're never gonna be able to trust that person like if you're dating them and they go play golf with somebody else what are you gonna do be like no you can't do that because that's how you cheat on your ex-boyfriend and got with me you know what i mean like you're never gonna be able to get that out of the back of your head and it's gonna be the worst way to begin things so if the only reason to go through with that would be to hook up with them why not just hook up with someone that's not going to be all this drama and stress and shitness you know what i mean absolutely and i mean like it looks like that's not really an option for you it sounds

like you are more posing hypotheticals of being like i don't want to miss another chance because you do say at the beginning of the question like like, you know, on principle, you never made a move on these other women. So like, great. We, we know you are like on the right side of things in this scenario. I just want to make sure that your past regrets don't cloud that judgment or you don't do the mental gymnastics that a lot of people do when they want to

make a bad decision where they're like, well, I was, I behaved in the past yeah and that didn't work so now i'm going to you know skirt the edges of what i believe is right in order to get something that i want as long as you don't do that i think you're okay and i it doesn't sound like that's what you're trying to do and the thing is it's like what you did worked out because you're a good person and those situations continued how they were meant to.

You know what I mean? The only other option would have been you broke up a relationship, caused drama with their partners, and then presumably that relationship would have failed because, again, that's not a way to begin a relationship. So you would have gone through all this turmoil and stress just for a fuck when you could have just

slept with somebody else. You know what I mean? So, like, think about that if you start going oh like i i missed out before it's like you didn't really the only way you would have missed out is if those relationships had ended and they had approached you in a way that was like healthy i think that's a really good point i think the idea of and this is something that happens i feel like a lot with people who are in a relationship or in your sense, uh, attracted to people of relationships where you feel like you've missed it, where you feel like, Oh, I'm dating. I have a girlfriend and this person that I'm attracted to is single currently. And I'm missing out on that opportunity. It's like, well, you're not, you're there is you're missing out on the sort of like the the reality of you could both be single and maybe you could hook up but that's not missing out on an opportunity it's you know like as now said like

it's just sort of like a situation that is currently happening in reality so i think it's important to realize that like what you're currently dealing with and the current circumstances of people's relationships aren't there to they're not the sole opportunity for you if that makes sense like i'm trying to figure out how to like phrase this where it's like not every single person is waiting to be fucked by you or be dated by you yeah and again it's like the only way you would have missed out an opportunity in this case would be if different things had happened because again like you i don't think that's what you're looking for is to to steal them away and like have sex with them once or twice you know what i mean like because that wouldn't be good and again you could just do that with somebody else if you wanted

to whereas like in this way it's like it's almost like rose tinted glass where you're looking at what could have been but that's fiction you know it's what could have been in an alternate reality you know and you know you're on the right side of things which is great which is good you know but don't let like that weird like voice in the back of your head that almost you know corrupts the past and makes you think things could have gone differently because like yeah it sucks when the things you want don't happen but like it's better to be realistic about that and continue to be a good person than to start to twist the past and act poorly in the future because that's not going to work out the way you want it either i mean i think that's a another really good point of being like

i think at the end of the day at least for for me, I would rather look back and be like, fuck, I missed out on a really, you know, a potentially, you know, hot hookup with someone or a relationship with someone, but not at the cost of my personal integrity and how I feel about myself. Because if it's like, sure, you might not have the regret of being like, damn, I should have made a move. But I think the regret of being like, I made a move and that makes me, you know, has permanently tarnished how I view my personal worth and integrity. I made myself a bad person for that opportunity. And I think that is far more detrimental in the long run than kind of looking back, as Niall said, with rose-tinted glasses at being like oh what could

have been what what could that hookup have been like that i would rather do that than be like i wish i didn't do that for sure yeah um and it's part of being realistic with yourself as well because like if it had been that great you probably would have done it and you didn't do it because morally it would have been a shit thing to do on top of other reasons. So just be firm in knowing that you made the right decision when you did, you know? And it's like, if they got married, hopefully they like this person well enough that despite what might be flirting, they probably wouldn't have acted on it. So you might've just put yourself out there and it sucked anyway. Or if they got married to someone they didn't particularly like, then it's probably best you avoided that person.

So again, win-win. I think you've got the answer. I think you just kind of needed to hear it from a third party. Don't do anything that's going to compromise your values. Don't do anything that you're going to regret and feel like you've made yourself a bad person or you're going to regret because of a decision you made take the take the loss and acknowledge the fact that you know maybe not every opportunity is something you can jump at and take the opportunity to be honest and be uh vulnerable with this

person let them know how you feel and let them know that like hey i can't i don't think it's fair to keep seeing you i really like you i'm really attracted to you and that them know that like, hey, I can't, I don't think it's fair to keep seeing you. I really like you. I'm really attracted to you. And that would be, that would put me in a bad position. And I feel like it could also put you in a bad position. And that's not something I'm interested in. And that's kind of like where you have to leave it. And, you know, who knows what happens? Yeah, and that's the thing.

If for some reason they really like you and things aren't going well, then that's a pretty good push that they might need to be like you know what fuck this guy i'm dating who maybe is bad and then they might call you up or not and that's fine too because as dane said not every opportunity is for everybody sadly yeah so good luck makes the other opportunities all the more special oh yeah um stay true to yourself you know you know what to do here. You know the right answer to this.

And I hope that we have given you the backing and the moral support you need to continue making the right decision. And thanks for writing it. We always love it. And also, on a side note, love the love the karaoke part of this, by the way. Always a great move. Love it. I love it. I don't know if you know this about Niall and I, but we like karaoke.

Quite a lot. I go almost once a week, sometimes twice. It's a problem. Here's with that next question. Okay. This comes from Miss Carm. I had sex for the first time today, but my partner fell asleep when we were cuddling after. Is this to be expected?

We did it twice, but he only came the first time. I also expected him to last longer. The first round was maybe 10 minutes. He was hard before that, though, when we were making out. We made out for like 15 minutes before we had sex. Does that factor in how long he can last? He's had five other partners. Also, when does sex start?

During foreplay or actual penetration? Okay, so him falling asleep, he was obviously comfy, cozy, maybe tired. Having cum can often make you drowsy. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't worry about it. It is almost so typical that it is like a punchline in pretty much any sexual relationship on screen or you know not that that validates you know any sort of sexual reality but like yes it is very common that people doze off after sex also especially twice it's not bad that's not a bad

thing it sounds like you're upset almost or like not sure if it should be a good thing but like it's definitely not a bad thing yeah it's a sign that he's comfortable yeah yeah happy they're warm like they've got that warm after sex glow and and he went out like that's wonderful so let's establish that it's sure it's normal enough and it's a good thing yeah you should you should be very proud of the fact that this person was able to like, let their guard down and like doze off with you, especially while cuddling. That's so nice.

Exactly. Like it's just good thing after good thing. Uh, two lasting 10 minutes. Well, I want to keep talking about cuddling for a second. No, we're,

we're done. Fuck cuddling. I would say it would be a problem if there was no real effort to make sure that you were satisfied. If it was just sort of like pump, pump, pump, come roll over, fall asleep. Then I think, yes, you would have grounds to be a little bit like, well, I need a little bit more. Well, then they would be the bad joke that TV shows. Yeah. And I will say it is maybe not telling, but it is concerning that she talks about him coming

but not about herself yes so i don't know what to do with that but hopefully they have made the effort but again it's like you know if you guys just slept together for the first time the odds are probably not in their favor but then that is really the only time it would become an issue or if like you guys have plans after and all of a sudden he's just comatose and you know now let's move on to the the 10 minutes 10 minutes is fine especially if you're thinking like any time is fine right in a way there's no like oh you have to hit this number and it's great because times and people and sensations and timelines and everything all change. So it's like if you're dissatisfied with 10 minutes, presumably that's because you didn't come.

And if that's the case, 10 minutes or 15 minutes isn't necessarily the answer or five minutes or 20 minutes. You know, there's probably something else at play. So, yeah, I wouldn't worry over much about the time once the deed is getting done in a way that's satisfying for you and if you're concerned about 10 minutes i assume that isn't getting done yeah i don't think anyone has like the the orgasm sort of like clock of being like i need to have sex for at least 20 minutes before i can come. I don't really think that's, I, you know, again, I don't want to speak in absolutes, but that's not necessarily or typically how the body works.

Generally the body requires, you know, stimulation arousal, and then a very specific or not specific, you know, a set of actions to come. And very rarely is it like I have to have sex for this amount of time and that's it that's the only time is always a factor because no one's just touched and it's like well there

you go done or again we're not going to speak in absolutes i'm sure it happens but like usually it's things happening for a certain amount of time but when it's the right thing that's the important part so i would may do your best to not shame them for their length um secondly if it's the right thing, that's the important part. So I would do your best to not shame them for their length. Secondly, if it's your first time together, it's always going to be more intense and you don't know each other's bodies in terms of you not having an orgasm. And for them, maybe nerves or being extra aroused, etc. And also, it's weird that you mentioned how long he lasted the first time, but didn't talk about how long he lasted the second time. Yeah.

When presumably it was longer if he couldn't finish. Yeah. Right. Unless he couldn't maintain the reaction. I don't know. Yes. Yeah. I would like a little bit more details on the second round because like

some people are very, very kind of need to get that first round out of their system because it is very intense and they're very sensitive and tend to come a little faster than are very very uh kind of need to get that first round out of their system because it is very intense and they're very sensitive and tend to come a little faster than perhaps they want to or their partner wants to and then go back in for round two and sort of finish the job for their partner right because i also don't think i don't want you getting hung up on the fact that he didn't finish the second time just because he didn't finish doesn't mean he didn't enjoy it doesn't mean that he finds you any less attractive sometimes we just can't

get there and that is totally normal totally fine and probably not your fault probably just hopped in wait like too soon uh in his refractory period to finish that second time which again is very normal i feel like we're dealing with so many different threads here and a lot of it is like guesswork and i guess the last part is just when does sex start i would say the second the second you start getting hot and heavy yeah it's kind of a weird question because arguably it like does what why does it matter firstly well i think it is because they are hung up on this like 10 minute time frame right so they're like well yes we only penetrate of sex for 10 minutes, but we do make out for 10 more minutes.

Yeah. Or like if, you know, if I go down on someone for 10 minutes, I would definitely include that as part of sex. You know, I am, I am receiving pleasure or I am,

you know, giving pleasure. If, you know, if I get a blow job for X amount of time, that is part of sex. I'm not like, Hey,

this doesn't count towards our sex time. Not for sure. It's also going to definitely cut into your sex time because they are oiling that engine. Yeah. And sex isn't just penetrative. No, not at all. Right? Like, you could just, it's called oral sex.

It's very much part of sex. Like, foreplay could be all the sex that you have. You could just, you know, I could just finger someone, make them come. They could give me a hand job or a blow job, make me come. And that we've had sex. We haven't had penetrative sex. It's something that I think is really important. And I think something that is currently now coming a little bit more into the zeitgeist of, of the sexual world of people being like there's more to it yeah there's a very heteronormative view of like a decade ago that still persists of like sex is dick and vagina and it's like that's cool you're just

a decade ago well i mean like it only really start to change i would say okay you know what i mean like i was like i think that that went back a little longer than a decade. But yes, you're right. But I feel like up until about a decade ago, there was like, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. No, I know. Or if we did. No. I thought you meant at the flip side.

No. I thought you were saying that like heteronormative. Only recently we started to get heteronormative. And thank God, finally. No. Finally. It's about time we had our time to shine. I know,. Yeah. Thank God. Finally. No. Finally. It's about time we had our time to shine. I know, right?

We're straight. I'm not. I can't even finish that. Fuck that. Also, happy Pride Month. Yeah. I don't think we've mentioned it. Oh, because we're idiots.

Because time doesn't mean anything. And the second we entered into this closet, we are in sort of like a space-time continuum that everything and nothing is happening. I blame the smoke inhalation honestly a happy pride month to happy pride y'all everybody who celebrates and to those who don't go fuck yourself um okay i think we're more or less done with this question right because i do want to talk about pride i just want to say to take a fucking breath and step away from it sounds like you're overthinking things but it also sounds

like like i don't know like the terminology it's like you want to be able to tell someone i had sex for 20 minutes or like you know like we fuck like i listened to a song and it said we fucked all night long we haven't quite gotten there yet and it's like it feels like you're worried about the wrong things and it feels like you're worried about like the performative aspects of sex or like you're just a little corrupted by the media or or friends who talk shit and and that worries me because it's not the way to have a healthy sex life and that's just my concern so it's like fuck how long it takes and what matters is that you're both enjoying yourselves and it's like if you didn't have a great time then it isn't hey can you last longer next time it's like, if you didn't have a great time, then it isn't, Hey, can you last longer next time? It's what, what is lacking? What do you need more of? You know what

I mean? Is it that you need more foreplay before you dive in? You know, maybe you just made out and then you put his dick in. Is it that you need to be touched in a certain way or whatever? You know what I mean? That's far more important than just like stats yeah if you like i would be far less upset in terms of duration if if i had a really really hot like make out and then you know i went down on them or fingered them and they came really hard and then they proceeded to give me this incredible blow job and then by the time we had, it was only like two minutes of like really intense. You're just, you're so fucking sensitive at that point that you're like,

we probably shouldn't even waste the condom, but you do it anyway. Yeah. Like if that's, if that's my sexual experience, I'm not like, ah, fuck,

we only had sex for two minutes. I'd be like, it doesn't matter. I would, I would roll over content, happy. Like it's, you have to start looking at sex as like a whole.

And I think that's really the crux of it. Like your dick in the hole. No, you know, everything that Niall just said. Absolutely. Start thinking about, you know, your needs and what you need for them to be met. And then like zoom out and stop thinking of penetrative sex as the act and look at it from a a much like a macro yes macro uh scale you know what i mean and see everything see the whole experience of you know the foreplay the fingering the oral the blow job, the like, like everything that's all part of the package. And if you're both finishing satisfied or, you know, trying your best to do so. Yeah. Then great. And if it, if that's, if that's an hour, cool. If that's 25 minutes, great. If that's 10 minutes, who cares? It doesn't matter. If you guys have both done your best to make each other finish or have made each other finish, who cares if it's 30 seconds?

Who cares if it's two minutes? If you guys are both sexually satisfied, it doesn't fucking matter. And the thing is, just because he might have come doesn't mean things are done either. You know what I mean? If you need a little bit more, ask for that. Because again, does it matter if he finishes you with his hands or his tongue no not really no and like this is just once or i guess twice you know what i mean so it's like you guys have time to build up but it's like once you communicate and are focusing on the right things you'll get there if you're hung up on like oh you've got timer and you're just looking at the timer and you're like

damn it i still can't talk to martha about fucking all night long like what's that yeah so that's all i want to say because i it pinged it like hit the warning signs for me all right let's talk about pride let's talk about pride pride is a a very important time it's something really important to myself and i know niall as well we have a bunch of queer friends and as straight people, Niall and I are both heterosexual and it's a really important time for people like us to amplify queer voices, listen to queer problems and acknowledge that we are currently in a time that is very, very, very bad and dangerous for a lot of queer people and especially trans people. Yeah. fought and died and struggled in order to get to where we are which is admittedly far better

than you know a decade ago two decades ago whatever um but although don't worry florida are doing their best to fuck that up yeah tennessee there's there's a bunch of places currently and like canada isn't immune to it either there are a lot of people who who mirror the sentiments of a lot of the rhetoric that's happening in the States. And I'm sure worldwide. We're like, what?

One bad election away from things getting very fucking hellish here too. You know? So I want people to think of that when they're voting for a fucking Toronto mayor. And in every election that they go into be like, Hmm, cheaper taxes, but also maybe fucking promoting genocide

hmm speaking of macro views step out of your own ass for a second and think about the needs of others yeah um so the what i wanted to talk about what i wanted to bring up is don't just put your blinders on and say happy pride and wear a rainbow pin and go to the pride parade and have a good time and get drunk and call it a day and call yourself an ally and call yourself a supporter. This is mostly directed at straight people. Um, because I know, like,

I don't want to tell the queer community to not enjoy a month that celebrates them. And you heard it here first guys have a bad pride. Dane Miller. Um, uh, that celebrates them. You heard it here first, guys. Have a bad pride. Dane Miller. I want our straight friends and listeners to take a moment and talk with your queer friends. Listen to their concerns.

Listen to their problems. And think about how you can be a better ally. And more importantly, educate yourself on the things that are currently happening. The amount of times I mention either like the Tennessee drag ban or the Florida trans bills or the fact that there is something like 187 active anti LGBT legislature currently in the American courts and stuff and Congress and etc. I think that number is actually a lot higher now. But last time I saw it, it was 187. I think, yeah, I'm not sure, but I'm sure if I looked it up now,

that it would be considerably more. Those things are like things that we need to know and things that we need to be aware of and things that we need to actively add our voices to, to combat, to squash, to make sure we don't vote in the people who are promoting those things. And it really does take all fronts. And the point of privilege as straight people, we have the privilege of not, we never had to fight to marry the people that we love. We don't have to worry about holding hands on public transit and who might that trigger. We don't have to worry about going into a bathroom and worrying if someone is going to kill us.

Yeah. We don't have to worry about seeing our representation on TV or in books or anywhere. It's not like, oh, wow, there's finally a straight person in that advertisement. Oh, wait, people are protesting. It's gone now. Like also to those people saying, why isn't there straight pride? Listen to what Dane just said. That's why there isn't straight pride.

Because, yeah, like one of the, I heard someone make this point the other day. I can't remember who it was, but they were like, if you're watching a TV show and it opens on a kid or a commercial and he pours a bowl of cereal and a mom and dad walk in and they kiss each other and they say, cereal.

No one bats an eye. No one says, hey, why are those parents straight? Why is it a mother and a father? Why is it a husband and a wife? No one asks that question. Let alone freaking out that they kissed. Heaven forbid, if it's gay. I mean, like think about 20 years ago, it'd be a big deal if that was a white parent and

a black parent. Yeah. Right. Like we would, we would all be like what is this so the point i'm trying to make is we need to fight for our trans friends we need to fight for our queer friends and we need to be smarter and more educated and more vocal about it and there's a number of ways you can do this. You can donate to charities that specifically help out queer youth. You can look into charities that support legislative funds for fighting and combating the anti-trans bills. There's a number of ways you can just share and amplify queer voices who are sharing their point of view. And spreading knowledge is just as effective as throwing money to a cause.

Because again, a lot of people don't know this is happening. And the thing is, not only letting people know this is happening, but also letting bigots that support that know that you're not their people. Good. Make them feel alienated. Make them realize that the tide is not with them. Because I think a lot of people either don't share because for various reasons who do support the message. And it's like, well, I know that's not malicious. Even just having someone look around and realize they're, yeah, I don't know. It's good to show your support, both for those you're supporting and those who are actively trying to harm those you're supporting. It's a unrealistic goal and viewpoint to think that we will be able to crush all transphobia. But what we can do is make it unsafe for people to be transphobic. And that is kind of like the point.

It's a big reason why we never stopped racism and we never will. But shaping society so that being racist is dangerous to the racist is kind of as good as we're going to get. Unfortunately, like in a very pragmatic, realistic way, that is if you are someone who supports gay rights, but balk at the like, is that the right word? Balk? Depending what you're trying to say. Yeah. Like shy away from. Yeah. Ooh.

Yeah. If you're the kind of person who now is like, oh, but the trans, I think the trans issue is going too far or whatever. You're wrong and i think the best demonstration of this and i saw this illustrated i think i saw it on tiktok or something was someone showing a graph of left-handed people and it was like rock bottom until we stopped making being left-handed the sign of being a cursed devil person and then all of a sudden it skyrockets and then plateaus yeah and when people aren't choosing to be left-handed it's just now it's safer to be left-handed. And it's exactly, that's why people all of a sudden, like, oh, these trans people coming out of the woodwork and we're poisoning our kids and all this shit. It's like, no, you're just making them, you're not punishing or, well, people are still trying to fucking do it. But the second people have like a little bit of that room to grow into what they always were. Yeah. You're going to see it more. Yeah.

It's the same way. It's like, it's not like a bunch of people were more gay. It's not like we created more gay people, but it was just, the funny thing is you will hear these fucking right wing idiots be like, that's what we're doing. It's like,

just come on. Yeah. So I, I just want people to be aware of the fact that like, if you are now on the fence about trans rights, there's a very good chance you would have been on the fence about gay rights. There's a very good chance you would have been on the fence about segregation. There's a very good chance you would have been on the right or on the fence

about like things like slavery of being like, like it seems like these people are afraid of changing the status quo where like they're okay. They're willing to accept the things that we as a society have already pushed through and broke through and and and one like look at me i'm progressive i'm supporting issues that are not that hot topic anymore you know it's not a hot button issue i can earn my society points by being like yeah no i'm cool yeah gay people can get married why not not? Something that's as important, but is currently on the front lines.

I don't know about that. Like, come on. Yeah. So I just want you to take a moment to educate yourself because there's also a lot of like the reasons why you don't believe in trans people or like don't think it's real or whatever.

It's like, oh, the biology. There is so much science that supports trans biology. There is so much science that supports trans people. There is so much science that supports the importance of gender affirming care. There's so much scientific studies that show that gender affirming care saves lives. And if you care about kids and you are against children being able to get gender affirming care, then you don't care about them because trans people are killing themselves at an exponential rate. They are being killed at an exponential rate. And it is 100% because of our inaction. And it is because of the fact that they don't have the support system that they need and deserve and are like rightfully earned

as other like fellow human beings and that is that is all i will say about that for now i just i it breaks my heart that people are at risk simply for being who they are yeah and it's it's i i don't understand how you know desantis like i cannot fathom that level of just disgusting evilness. Like, it actually, I cannot begin to wrap my head around that. And, like, then there's the people that support him. And that's just a whole other level of, I just cannot even begin to do it. So, you know, sorry we get all dark and serious at moments there. I do hope everybody listening

has an incredible pride and i hope you take this time to celebrate because it is so worthy of being celebrated but i think dane makes an incredibly important point that like don't just celebrate especially if you're a straight person like especially what you can do what you can even if it's baby steps even if you're just starting to get into a run you know what i mean i don't expect you to wake up tomorrow and be the biggest activist in the world but like if it's one more thing tomorrow and it's two more things by next month great get on trans tiktok and listen to the actual stories of trans people and just just absorb it right just listen and that is is already so much for allyship is just listening and hearing reality and facts and experience and listening to how important it is that we need to stand with them and support them.

As now said, it's fucked that we're in 2023 and there is a group of people who are currently being attacked. Like it just it just fucking blows my mind and i i always like to whenever i talk about this kind of stuff remind people that pride started with a riot yep and if they keep pushing i think they're gonna get another one sure sorry i know that was a tangent i know we kind of popped off there for a bit but it uh it was something i really want to talk about sort of like at the beginning of an episode or at the beginning of of pride uh but no time like the present unfortunately that's fair now should we just call it there i don't know i don't know if we do another question yeah you know what let's do let's do another question as like a palate

cleanser i think a lot of people who listen to this show uh mirror our sentiment or at least i hope they do or at least i hope they're going to uh take what we say uh seriously and to heart but yeah let's let's do another question and uh sort of get back on track and and we'll end strong so this is a deleted user my male 29 girlfriend female 29 got mad because i let her be mad me and my girlfriend had an argument before scheduled dinner date after the argument I tried to make it better by asking her if she still wanted to order some dinner and eat together because there was still enough time to make it a good night and get over the argument.

She barely responds and tells me she's not in the mood and she's still very upset. She's clearly pissed off and wants nothing to do with dinner anymore. So I tell her one final time, I can go get anything you want. She says, you go get your food and I'll go get mine after. So I leave and go grab sushi. I text her, I'm at blank. Are you sure you don't want anything? I'll go get mine after. So I leave and go grab sushi. I text her. I'm at blank.

Are you sure you don't want anything? It's her favorite sushi place. No reply. So I go back and I tell her, I tried texting you, but no reply. She fucking loses it and calls me an idiot for not getting her anything. She tells me I'm incredibly mean for not even trying to call. I didn't see her text, but how could you not try to call me? How am I the bad person here?

What can I do better in that situation? I think this was a lose scenario for you from the get go. Unfortunately, sometimes people just want to be mad and have an excuse to be mad. And I don't think there would have been anything you could have done to get out of this argument or this line of fire, because I almost guarantee you if you called them they would have lost their mind and been like what don't you understand i told you i didn't want anything you know what

i mean like i don't think i missed the call i missed the call and you just didn't get me anything you know i was in the shower i didn't hear my phone like it they know they're being unreasonable they're just trying to take it out on you that That's shit. And I have like some, a fair amount of firsthand experience of people realizing that they have done something wrong. And then instead of just apologizing, double down on being angry for the sake of being angry, hoping that, I don't know,

the worlds will shift and reality will change. And now they're on the right. And it's just like, it's, it's easier to find a reason to be mad at you than to apologize for whatever transgression they did to start the fight for sure now you're the bad guy because you didn't get them food and now we're not talking about the previous argument we're not talking about the fact that i said i didn't want food

we're not talking about anything now you're a dick and you have to make it up to me and blah blah blah like it's typical like abuser stuff where it's just like everything's your fault yeah well that's abuse right yeah yeah there's there there wasn't a secret third option that would have been better no i like and if there was it would have been so far removed from your pride and your sort of like, you would have I'll let you. You know, like in a healthy relationship, you know, arguments happen. Whatever. Sometimes you can be heated. You might be like, oh, get your own food. I don't want whatever. I'll sort my own thing out.

And then maybe they leave and you go, oh, fuck. I do want sushi. I'm an idiot. But then when they come back without your food, you don't go, fuck you. That was a test. The thing I say, you know, you go, you suck it up and you deal with it. Right. She said a thing and she can't stand by the thing and now it's your fault and you didn't do enough

like fuck that that's not right i i will say that like the i think the issue here is also if you have an argument and the person is still upset then the argument's not over yeah you know like you haven't resolved the issue and it's fine to need space after an argument to be like i need to process this i need to for me it drove a lot of my partners crazy but i often said like hey i want to take a second and formulate my thoughts so that when we have this argument and we we share our sides it's not just us saying things in the heat of the moment which have nothing to do with the actual problem i want to take a breather i want to give us a moment to both calm down and think about what we're really upset about and what really the problem is so that when we talk about

it, we're talking about the problem and we're coming at it with level heads and like formulated thoughts and not, I'm just going to try to be angry and hurt you and win this argument, no matter what the cost, regardless of what we're talking about, because that's the the biggest way for things to go bad is to like just jump into an argument and fight now i will say though if you gotta eat you gotta eat so it's like and maybe this was the

point where like if you guys don't live together maybe you should have just called it right then like look i think i'm gonna go home as dane said like we need space i take a breath blah blah sometimes it is a lost cause to try to salvage the night as dane said before the argument is over sometimes it's not that quick but that doesn't really like i don't know unless the lesson here is to learn when to let let it lie and step away but i think the real lesson here is to find a different partner yeah i don't think there's any harm either in being like hey so we need to talk about this i know you're still upset but the way you treated me was super unfair and i think i sent out enough like plenty of olive branches to smooth this over i even though we were fighting i still asked if you wanted to do

dinner you didn't want it i asked if you were sure you said yes. I asked once I was at the restaurant, I was willing to still pick it up. And you said no, or you didn't answer. I was like, that's a lot of me reaching out to you and quite literally nothing coming from you. If you wanted to resolve this problem, it's a two-way street. Like I can't read your mind. I can't guess the magic solution. I can't come up with the perfect phrase or speech or action that will solve this.

If you need something from me, communicate it. If you just need to be left alone, that's fine. But don't penalize me and get mad at me when I do that. Yeah, especially because you literally did what they said so it's like a very good piece of advice if you're in a relationship is either say what you mean and what you want or do not get angry at people for taking you at your word you you don't have the right to say something and turn around and be like yeah but i really meant this it's like well fuck you like unless it's a very obvious case of sarcasm in a non-heated situation you're like yeah i would

love to get stabbed and they're like all right and you're like uh no i was joking but you know we all know that so don't don't be that person and i think niall is right and this is the scenario of like if you bring this up to them and you're like hey i was really unhappy with how we resolve that going forward here is this how here is how i would like to resolve any issues that we have and here is how i want to be treated when we're having these kind of issues if they then go fucking wild and accuse you of being the bad person yeah i think you you've realized here that you're not in a relationship where you're seen as equal it's it you're in a relationship where they're always going to be right and you will always be wrong and no matter what happens it doesn't matter whose fault it is you're going to be the punching bag and that sucks and i don't think that's a

relationship you should stay in yeah and like on the flip side if this was a one-off thing people are dumb when they're mad if it's a one-off thing and afterwards you talk and she's like i'm sorry i was being shitty and you move forward and this isn't a pattern yeah people can can make mistakes in the heat of a moment in an argument right however if this isn't the first time this has happened and as dane very importantly said if you try to talk about this and it's another flare-up yeah get another fucking partner because this is going to be hell and it's never gonna stop you're always gonna be second guessing everything and even then there's not gonna be a right answer so believe me been there done that get out of there it sucks it sucks shit

it will sap your will to live yep um that's gonna do it for this episode friends thank you very much for hanging out once again happy pride uh do we want to do a little quick state of Tinder? Just like I'll pop on and we'll do a live swipe. We'll do a couple of profiles. Sure. Yeah, let's do it. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms, such as Tinder, Bumble and Hinge, peruse the profile, see what works, see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. And recently we've been doing a state of Tinder where I just open up the Tinder app and we see what's out there on a, like a real time basis. Mostly what we're looking for is

really bad profiles, which are common or profiles that just have nothing. This is Rachel, 25. She does have a profile. Whoa. It does say, what a weird little thing around my neck. Now you might be thinking, what is she talking about? I am in fact thinking that, but I was letting it marinate. What she got around her neck? Hey, let me tell you, nothing. Hmm, that's terrifying. There is one picture where it looks like she's wearing a very small necklace.

Yeah, that's pretty standard to put around a neck though. Pretty, pretty classic. It's pretty standard to put around the neck though. Pretty, pretty classic. It's actually in the name. Yeah. That is kind of exclusively where necklaces go. Now, do you think she forgot,

you know, the way sometimes you're like, Oh, it's like the, the hand thingy. And then you're like, Oh, a glove.

Is she like, it's a weird little thing. I put around my neck necklace. Yeah. Or maybe it's meant to say, what's a weird little thing around my neck. And you're supposed to sort of like my dick neck necklace. Yeah. Or maybe it's meant to say, what's a weird little thing around my neck? And you're supposed to sort of like my dick. Okay.

This is confusing, but I will say I'm probably going to give it a nine because I want to ask her what the fuck she's talking about. I mean, I'm not giving it a nine, but you got, you want to reach out, don't you?

I will say it's a six. Can you swipe and ask? I will. Okay. Do I have any super likes? Just say, what are you talking about? I have a super like stored. So I'm going to say, what are you talking about in regards to the thing around your neck?

I'm so confused and scared. i won't be able to sleep no don't give them that power now though yeah i'm so confused and a little scared and you know what guys will keep you updated yep if i match with this person or they feel like uh feel like they should let me know what they're talking about i'll let you guys know you'll be the first to know uh next one is alicia they say they do once again have a profile uh and it is pack up let's go airplane emoji that's it huh that's it it's not great i'll say that yeah um i'll give it like a three like i guess i know they have travel and are enthusiastic or they like travel and they're kind of enthusiastic, but that's it. It's like, also, I'm not going to pack up and go because I just met you. I like I love people who put on their like Tinder profiles of being like, let's where should we go on our first vacation?

It's like the least appealing. I love traveling. The least appealing thing that I want to do is go on a like an adventure or like a travel adventure get on a plane with someone I don't know off of tinder that sounds like hell for sure like the list of people I want to travel with is already it's just me you stress me fuck you all uh no even like it's kind of like moving in with a friend right they could be your best friend but moving in with them is still a whole different thing because now you're like confronted with them like day after day and they like it can take down even the strongest relationships travel is like that

where you need to have the right person to travel with not everybody is that person and a stranger probably isn't that person at all yeah so yeah it's like a three yeah three is generous but it's not offensive and i feel like that's where we go for threes yeah um this is willer or no sorry immediately corrected pronounced as willow psw graduate k-pop aficionado disabled witch love star wars luna and other gay shit hit me up with your credit card details i it. And they've given me enough to take the sting out of what could have been a bad line. Hit me up your credit card details. I get enough personality. I think they're joking.

Yeah. And they sound fun. So I'm going to give it like an eight. I still think that is more of a hindrance to this profile than anything else. It doesn't really fit the vibe, but the rest of it is good enough that like it doesn't ruin it for me it probably would have been a nine if they'd finished with anything funny exactly that's like i feel like you've given me like all this like flavor and cool stuff and things which usually is a ping for me of being like but with everything else here i get a vibe

of being like you seem rad as hell you seem cool. Yeah. But then you hit me with like the most basic Instagram follower farming bullshit of being like, hit me up the credit card. Like it just, it seems so off brand where I'm just like, no, I don't know. No,

I'm not sure. It's enough that that didn't ruin it, but it's definitely taking it down. Yeah. And I don't, I don't, it's not, I don't think it's ever funny you know what

i mean like i don't understand where there would be any joy in that but it also doesn't seem to vibe with their very down-to-earth and cool other rest of the of the profile so i am confused i don't love it but i like it overall eight is probably generous it probably should be a seven but given what we've had on live Tinder trolls, I'll give it the eight. I'm going to give it a seven. Okay, well, you took my answer. This will be our last one. This is Mariana.

A emoji of their sign. I don't know what it is. I think it's Taurus. Who fucking cares? Negative one. 1.7356. And I think it's a Portuguese flag. I don't know what I want, actually. If you were a stripper, what song would you use for your debut?

Is that it? Yep. The stripper thing's funny. At least it's going to start a conversation. I don't know what I want. Yeah, that's a good one. That sucks, but I think the opening is enough for me to be like, you know what? I'll give you a chance.

Yeah, I will say the star sign is never great for me. The height, kind of weird. I feel like at this point, like people putting height on their profile almost feels like people feel obligated to do it. I don't think women feel obligated to though. Yeah, I don't know. You know, like I know guys do. I met a guy the other day who's like, I have the best Tinder profile ever and it just says like six four australian and like apparently it works really

well and they were like i definitely don't need to listen to a podcast to get better at it and i was like well if it's working it's working go for it but like i don't see women needing to do that yeah the only time i really understand why women put their height is if they're like six four yeah if they're super tall and they want to get out ahead of people being surprised sure but like i don't know it makes me feel like height matters to them you know like they're they're putting it in there as like a warning like if you're five whatever you gotta be tall i don't know yeah it's it's not enough for me to like really care about but i do like the the stripper thing so i will give it a seven i think seven is a 6.5.

Yeah, I think 7 is where I would go with that. Thank you very much for listening, friends. That's going to do it for our show. We love you. We appreciate you once again. Happy Pride. You know what? I think we're going to do our Pride episode next week. Yes. Why do you sound confused?

I'm asking you. Oh. Right? Like we'll record it next week. Yeah, it'll be out next week. They'll hear it. No. What? We haven't recorded a Pride episode.

I know. I'm saying we'll record it next week. Yes. So it won't be out next week. Yes, but when they hear it, it will be. Oh. They're not here, Dane. I get you. They're not here.

Yeah. I just wanted to like get some questions if people heard it. I understand what you're saying. Yes. Again, time means nothing. Are you cutting that? No, believe it. Okay.

If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to us at fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the contact page. You can give yourself an agent name. It's completely anonymous. We'll answer your questions. And if you like the show and you want to support it and you want to help your boys out, feel free to head on over to the Patreon.

Again, fbuddiespodcast.com Click the Patreon link or patreon.com slash fbuddies. Hell yeah. And if you have pride questions, we usually record on a Wednesday, so try sending them in early, but also send them in anyway. It doesn't matter if it's a pride show or not.

Give us that gay shit, as that profile so nicely said. The gayest shit. Give us the gayest shit. Every fucking week is pride week. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Are you ready for some bad sex writing? This is going to be a Tinder profile.

Ooh, I love that. It's of a gentleman who I will not name for their safety. Looking for a sugar Oh no, wait. This is not it. It's still a Tinder profile. This is Daniel. I will name him. Fuck it. There's a lot of Daniels. You effing women. Are you stupid

or what? I'm here trying to offer you servitude and worshipping and you just plain refusing? You deserve to be treated bad by other men because you are right stupid and delusional effing women you don't like good stuff you deserve to be treated bad by assholes and arrogant man is he actually writing effing he's writing effing e-f-f-i-n-g which is just i would say the worst like that makes my balls just cringe and he's looking for a long term relationship, but short term is okay. Yeah.

Because I imagine anyone spending any amount of time with you wants it to end immediately in the shortest term possible. Like, yeah, the short term that he'll be getting is someone seeing this profile and going, ah. Yeah. It's like, what are you doing? And you know what? That's enough for Daniel. My name is Dave Miller. And I am Niles Spang.

And we've been your fuck buddies.