F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 247 - Wedge Me, Mommy

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Did everyone get their permission slips signed for the field trip to the mall where we can harass women one at a time with shitty pick up lines?  Topics include a cold reception to cold approaching, the terrifying nature of a penis, an unexpected happy ending, gangbanging your way out of marriage.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or through our incredible listeners and we answer them right here, right now on the topics of sex and dating. Now you were very focused on something before we recorded. Are you, are you doing, do you need, do you got something for before we recorded. Are you doing it? Do you need? Do you got something for me? Am I kicking right into it? Yeah, I am. Okay.

If you hadn't interrupted me, I would already be nicely into it, wouldn't I have been? Wouldn't I have been? You fucking. Oh, hey, Niall, you want to do a thing. Here's me interrupting it by pointing it out instead of letting you naturally kick into it. Like you usually do with such grace and aplomb. I shouldn't. We should notice because we didn't do this last week. We did it on Pillow Talk, but we're on video now.

So I can see everything that Niall does now. He can't see anything from me. See how angry I am right now that you fucking shat in my cereal. Sorry for introducing your segment. Okay, go on. Introduce it then. This is a new segment that Niall does where he brings stuff that he found interesting and hopes that we also find interesting. That's pretty good. Yeah.

But first, you forgot that I have to get really pretend angry at you first, you piece of shit. It's not pretend. So today, this year of our Lord, 2023, 28th of June, there was a post going around in Toronto saying, Warning, pickup artists active outside the Eaton Center. 8 to 10, concentrated south of Dundas outside Nordstrom entrance. Possibly working inside also. Usual class study MO, individuals taking turns singling out solo women and approaching while the rest linger and that was going around a few groups today because apparently the local seduction community decided this smoky ass nine out of ten on the bad air scale was a great day to you know sequester women while they're

shopping and just harass them is it is it really called i know we're we're going to talk about this is it really called the bad air scale is Is that the definitely not? No. Okay. Okay, cool. Because I was like, is that really what we decided on? I believe it's the air quality index, but I prefer mine. That sounds a lot better. The AQI to those in the know. I mean, this isn't a new thing, really. The Dean Center has always been sort of like the stomping ground for pickup artist classes. It's like the field trip where instead of going to the zoo or a museum,

uh, these pickup artists all head over to one isolated location and then proceed to do the same thing to the same women over and over again to the point where, uh, this was years ago that security had to go and like kick out like 20 or 30 dudes because they're all standing outside of forever 21. Yeah. And it wasn't even like at least they seem to have learned that like, oh, it's going to be one dude, you know, for 10 minutes and we'll go in shifts and everyone else will watch them. Learning is bad.

That's like when the Raptors started to learn in jurassic park i mean it's obviously still very evident that this is happening there is more to this because my weird being tapped into reddit and seduction and just all that whole thing the work that we do day in day out for you guys has led me to have two questions in the can from the previous week that must be somehow related. So firstly, we have a question on AskTO by Charlie Monger, 69. Is cold approaching women in public a real thing? Is it creepy? So I want to improve my dating life. 27, living with parents, decent job, but not getting anywhere socially. I used to have friends and an ex-girlfriend pre-COVID, but it stopped and at my age it's extremely difficult naturally introvert but i can

handle myself in conversation tried a bunch of social groups did mma stand-up comedy and even got really good at salsa but for some reason i never clicked with anyone nobody wants to make friends or hang out at my age and everyone flakes in those groups at this point i've given up on making friends i'd say i'm an average looking brown guy grew up in canada never get matches on dating apps and zero interest shown to me i I can hold a conversation fine. I go to clubs and bars solo, but it's difficult without a wingman and not drinking because I have to drive back home. Usually I end up getting nasty looks if I was bothering them if I tried to initiate a conversation with someone and walked away. At this point, I definitely am getting desperate and looking for

anything that works. A lot of the guys over seduction suggest cult approaching during the day. Now I've heard of it before, but never tried it. Feels weird and makes me anxious to even attempt it because I imagine it would make women really uncomfortable. But it seems to work, and a lot of the guys on the subreddit have results, surprisingly. Hell, there's a whole industry around this stuff. Somehow they talk to someone randomly and get a date, which is more

than I could say. I've never cult approached anyone outside of an organized social event, and the idea seems daunting, but who knows? Maybe there's a way to do it properly in a non-creepy way at this point i just don't see anything else and if they got results surely there must be something to it i also work downtown so there's that but yeah i don't know if it's weird or not and how other people perceive it i am way too socially uncalibrated to see what's acceptable and what isn't want to hear some opinions thanks and then someone made a post about that post in seduction you Do you want me to read that? And then we'll just do the whole issue?

Yeah, yeah, let's, yeah. All right, saw this post, blew up, gist is blah, blah, blah. Now, I've never done public approaches, but I always assume if done in a respectful way and you seem like a well-adjusted human, good hygiene, fit, conversation, et cetera, it's not the worst thing in the world.

To my surprise, the vast, vast majority of people over there said it's not acceptable, creepy at worst and uncomfortable at best. Most commenters over there also claim seduction is full of incels giving terrible advice. Now, I've been on Reddit long enough to know if there's a circle jerk to hate on a subreddit, there might be a hint of truth, but a lot of times it's also regurgitated nonsense. Most of the people here seem like genuine guys who want to help other guys with their romantic lives. Pair this up with me having had conversations with my friends who are women

who told me they find it flattering to be approached in public, if done right. I'm a bit confused. So in that context, what do you think of the comments on that post? Is it a case of Redditors or AskTO being entirely socially avoidant, or am I crazy? Lol. Obviously, this subreddit will probably sway in the other direction, but I'm looking for reasonable, sensible responses here. And then this happens today. interesting yeah i mean we've talked about it a bunch of times of the sense of like i don't i got nothing against striking up a conversation with a stranger time place opportunity reading the signals like if she's walking in a hurried pace with headphones in it's not the time to go over make her take her headphones in so you

can be like hey you're pretty i just had to come over and tell you like no they don't want that if you're at a bar and you're sitting beside someone and you're talking to the bartender and they join in the conversation there's yeah chat up with them you know i mean like that's that's fine but you like there's so much nuance to this that i think a lot of people specifically uh the seduction pickup artist people don't realize like there's there's so much gray area and nuance that isn't given any weight where it's just like you want this so you do this to get that yeah and it's like cool yeah sure and like this guy being like, oh, they get dates. They get a number.

I would say also to take a lot of what is said on that group with a grain of salt, because half the people are trying to get big, braggy internet points, and the other half are trying to fucking sell their services. I would take a lot of what is said there with a grain of salt. And the thing is, I think what you're saying is very right. There's absolutely nothing wrong with talking to people, but you need to have it happen in a way that is natural and good. And I think those things happen on your day to day life, but they don't happen when you and 30 buddies stalk people outside of a forever 21. Yeah. I mean, this is the thing. It's like, it's very, very obvious. And like the fact that this person is like, oh, hey, uh, the idea of this makes me uncomfortable.

That should be a pretty clear indication that perhaps this isn't something for you to do. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't do things that make you uncomfortable. Taking a salsa dance class by yourself would make me feel uncomfortable, but I think that's something cool to do. What I'm saying is there's usually a reason

for an initial sort of fear to do something. And then you have to decide whether it is because you know that it is societally unacceptable. Great. Cool. Or is it just because it makes you nervous and it brings you outside your comfort zone? Like those are really the two things you need to weigh.

And if you look at something and you're like, Oh, actually I think it's going to make people other people feel uncomfortable as well, then don't do it. If you're just like, oh, it's going to make me feel uncomfortable because it's something I don't normally do, then it might be worth pursuing, like trying a new hobby or joining a new group. Those things are going to make you feel uncomfortable and that's OK.

But if you think that you doing something is going to further make someone else feel uncomfortable or unsafe, then it's not your job to be like, but I'm going to break out of my comfort zone and do this and force other people to also break out of something that they don't want to do. Yeah. And it's very telling that you will have hundreds of people commenting on the initial post being like, no, don't do this. This sucks.

And then when you go to seduction, the people doing it're like no do it go ahead it's like yeah because you're the ones inflicting that's like being like hey do you like being tortured and it's like people on the table are like no man i don't like it and the people with the knife are like it's not that bad it's like yeah you're inflicting the pain you're inflicting the discomfort you're the one like grabbing some stranger by the arm and being like hey girl I just noticed you from across the fucking eat and say like, no. And I will say it's very similar to what is happening in this guy's nightclub days where he's going to a club to pick up. That's very clear. And he's going by himself and he's standing by himself. And when he sees a girl, he approaches her and people are going to realize that that is

why you are here. And that is why you're not getting a good response. Exactly. I mean, we have this scenario. We've talked about this gentleman a bunch of times where we would go out to a bar and there was a dude who would literally sit in the corner by himself and he wouldn't drink and he wouldn't interact with anyone. But anytime he saw a woman, he was a bit more aggressive than I assume that this guy's being.

But he would wait until a woman was by themselves and then he would like corner them to talk to them. And it's like, that's not the way to do it. No. Also, everybody was already kind of on alert because he was just there was no doubt as to why he was there. You know, he was like a lion waiting in the grass, but without any of the cool or impressive connotations of that. And you seem to, you said like, oh, you did stand up comedy. You got really good at salsa. Why not go to a salsa club and dance with people? That's why people are there. And then I assume if you are capable of having a conversation like you claim, and you are good at being a salsa dance

partner with like you claim then surely you would be able to make a few connections and i'm not saying that just because you can dance people are going to fucking rip their clothes off and be into you but at the very least you're not cold approaching you have a reason for being there you're doing something you enjoy and you're doing something that both of you have agreed to do you you've gone to a salsa club to dance salsa and to dance with other people presumably you know i'm sure there are people who just go to dance with themselves or with their friends and that's fine but you're in a an atmosphere that is conducive to meeting new people and salsa is a sexy thing like you know i mean like the the possibility of

elevating something to a romantic level is pretty high in that kind of care like that situation as opposed to you going to a club by yourself kind of milling around aimlessly until you see someone that you find attractive and then like terminator style walking over and being like bleep bloop here's my attempts to seduce you yeah and like maybe this is unfair of me to say but if you've done all these things and you're trying to hang out with people and nobody will give you the time of day maybe you're not approaching them in the right way and it's possible that you are doing these things just to try to get a hookup and they know that and like you can't just be like no but i did the hobby thing it's like if you did the hobby

thing but you're still beelining towards the one girl and you're just like instantly like, oh, hey, here's my number. You want to go for drinks? Again, maybe that's unfair. But in my experience, like people, 27 year old males definitely want friends. I feel like everybody's hitting that that second moment of their life where like friends are drifting away. Careers are getting in the way. People are moving away or having families or like, you know, there's so much drawing people apart. I feel like that's like the renaissance.

It's like the second friendships for a lot of people. Yeah, that's a very good point of being like you did. You joined all these clubs and you keep being like, oh, well, everyone, everyone's flaky in these clubs. Sure. But you have to also look at the fact it's like, are you doing something that make you that makes you seem disingenuous like now like are you going to these clubs and you're just there to check off the box of being like find friend find wingman to go to club like are you going there and being like hey man like i know i just met you but let's go to the club and talk to some lady like is that your first is that your opening line is that your pitch is that what seems to be the only thing that's driving you because i wouldn't want

to deal with that but if you were like hey i've got a great place to get wings, like half price wings on a Wednesday night. Do you want to go and have like a guy wing night? I feel like that would be like if you're doing it to manifest friendships just for the sake of having a friend and like developing a connection with someone. Great. Cool. Do that. But if you're just looking for people so that you're not going to clubs alone to hit on women, then I think a lot of people are going to see that from a mile away and be like, no, that sounds creepy and I don't want to be a part of it. Also, you used to have friends pre-COVID. What happened? That's worrying to me. I think you need

to spread your social wings and like get those friends and like do them honestly. And the reason why I don't think you're doing them honestly is because you're like, I tried X, I tried Y, I tried Z and I've kind of given up. And that's like, if you did those things genuinely, it wouldn't be like, oh, I did salsa, but it didn't, I didn't make friends. So I gave up, but like, oh, I do salsa because I like it, you know? And then it, one, it wouldn't matter if you didn't make friends because you're doing something

you want to do. But secondly, I can't imagine you wouldn't make friends because you'd be there for a certain amount of time and you'd be doing it genuinely. Again, I might be reading too much into this. I understand it's easier said than done to make friends and social situations are hard and you can get unlucky and all these things. I just, I have these glimmers of disingenuousness and I'm worried that that's what's really happened. Yeah. At the end of the day, I have these glimmers of disingenuousness, and I'm worried that that's what's really happened. Yeah, at the end of the day, people have, or at least I'd like to pretend like people have, a very, very good bullshit detector.

And especially when it comes to the whole, you know, picking people up and approaching women. Like, one, we're at a point in time where women are skeptical right off the bat you know i mean they're they're on the defensive immediately with good reason with exactly like it specifically for this reason of being like okay this guy's talking to me and not for any other reason than he finds me physically attractive and that's that's his angle and i'm not saying that there aren't times where women are like cool great, great. This is what I want. I want attention. And I want, you know, that that's fine. You could find people like that. I

mean, again, as a bartender, I see it all the time where women are happy to chat with a dude, get a free drink and then be like, okay, thanks. Bye. You know what I mean? Like it's, it's going to happen for sure. So it's, it's, it all comes down to, like we said, how genuine you are about what you're doing. And the second you start adding in like qualifiers of being like, I want to make friends so that I can pick up women. I want to, I want a cool hobby so I can pick up women. All those things discount the whole point of doing them. If you're just looking to pick up women, it doesn't matter how many hobbies you have. It doesn't matter how many friends you have. If you are just so single-mindedly focusing on that, it's all you're going to ooze. You're just

going to ooze this like creepy persona of being like, oh, here comes that guy who only comes here because he wants to hit on people. Here comes that guy who only learned salsa dancing so he can, you know, dance with women. Here comes that guy who's only in this club because he wants to find a dude to go be his wingman like that is what the persona you will create and foster and that's not gonna serve you it's a bad fucking look yeah also like again i know it's it's tough because the rental market sucks shit but it's like if you're telling me you have no friends and you live at home, it's going to be really hard for you to find somebody.

And also the whole idea of being like, Oh, I'm going to these bars and clubs and not drinking. Cause I have to drive home. Like, yeah, it's, it's going to be tough.

Cause like, I'm not saying you have to drink, but one, the dude who's by himself, not drinking at a club immediately suspicious. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Like, and unfortunately that's just the case that's oh yeah it's just like you're in a room with 90 of the people are drinking and you're there by yourself staring at women not drinking like you're obviously going to stand out and it's like the the fix here isn't to drink but it's not helping i just like i think you need you need some things to be sorted out like it sounds like you're not living a very fulfilling life because you're just saying I go to work, I come home. I desperately try to go to clubs alone to meet people. It's not working. I tried hobbies, not genuinely, but to make friends like in a performative sense. I don't know. I just feel like you got to take a breath, do what you want to do. Focus on yourself, build up that social

circle because when you do that, you'll have more things, which means more connections to be introduced to people, more places to go with people, which broadens your social horizons. And you might meet more people. You'll be happier so that when you do meet someone, you don't put everything on them. Because that's my worry right now. You meet a girl and all of a sudden they're your be all and end all because you'll have a friend. And maybe stepping away from living at home would be a good way to do that yeah to start i don't know there's a lot but i know what's hard out there so i don't want to make it sound like it's easy but it does feel a little bit like some of the things are not being done genuinely you were like oh i want to get friends and then when

you didn't you're just like okay well i guess i'll skip that stuff like yeah that's that's not how it works if you realize that like you don't have a friend base and that's kind of what you want to base you know your foundation of increasing your social life up you can't just be like well that didn't work i guess i'll just hey fuck it i don't need a foundation or a base i'm just gonna skip to a couple more levels up let's go like yeah take the time and don't have a mindset of being like i'm gonna do this for three months and if i don't get a friend then fuck it i'm just gonna go clubs by myself and try to pick up women yeah but no the solution is to linger outside forever 21 on my lunch break presumably because he was like oh i work downtown yeah can you imagine you're like oh hey where do

you go every day jim and it's like i stand outside forever 21 eating a caesar wrap because i you know time's limited and i just follow women in and go hey hey hold on what's up yeah you know that's not the way i say the same like five canned lines to hundreds of women a week that's what i do that's my thing so just don't the cold approaching it doesn't work when it's this weird group and it's not natural. If you're on, as Dane said, you're at a bar and someone starts talking to the bartender with you or whatever, you can't be like, oh, shit, I can't cold approach. Can't talk to her. That's totally fine. But if you sit at a bar waiting for any girl to sit down, you immediately hop on them. That's not fine.

That's the difference. Yeah. Hit me so we don't just do two questions this week again. Well, maybe I'll find a really deep one that we do only do two questions. This has helped me. I need an adult. How do you ask people out on apps? Amnite?

It'll never get old. This is Anxious Ferret. I feel intimidated by penises. How can I change that? To all the men who read this, I'm sorry, but I can't help my feelings. I don't know if this is normal, but am I not the only one who feels this way? Penises are so weird. I mean, maybe it's just me, but they look like they don't belong to the body at all.

Like someone took some weird creature and sewed it onto someone. It's scary how big they are and when they're in a wrecked state and that they move. It gives me the feeling like I see in their wrecked state and that they move gives me the feeling like I see in a horror movie when dolls or objects move. It's so unnatural that it's disturbing. They look very aggressive for lack of a better word as if they all attack me. Feels like I'm writing about spiders. I don't know if it's because I'm a virgin but I just feel a little uneasy about them. Of course in the same time I'm curious about them. I wish I could just touch one and explore it but at the same time I'm afraid that if I finally find someone,

I'll probably pass out when they undress. Not to mention blowjobs or handjobs. Oh my, it'll be a long time before I'll be able to do that. It's kind of intriguing how people say they're sensitive. They don't seem that way. They are rough, terrifying beasts with unnatural movement that we sewed onto ourselves. It's so funny. Have you considered vaginas?

Like, is this just a queer person? Are you just a lesbian that like, if you're this repulsed by dicks, perhaps they're not for you. And that's okay. That's okay. And hey, on the flip side, when we're all young and inexperienced, everything's scary. Oh, hey you are you telling me that young men don't look at a vagina or a vulva and be like the fuck is going on down here i don't want any of this is at least with a dick it's it's out there it's saying hello it's it's

gone all aggressive and standy uppy and whatever vagina it's like you gotta go put your indiana jones hat on and start exploring yeah delve. Delve, delve into the thigh passes and you got to find the marsh and travel up Clit Hill. And it feels really weird describing a vagina this way. So I'm going to stop. Like, I don't know what to tell you. Like vaginas also. And hey, this is coming from a man who adores vaginas and vulvas. Not exactly the most visually appealing anatomy part so i like i get it i

understand the whole they both look as unnatural as each other really if you think about it yeah we get that you could be scared of them but you kind of probably nailed the nail on the head hammered the nail on the nail you hammered it you nailed it uh when you said that you're a virgin you're scared you're looking virgin, you're scared. You're looking at when you're going, whoa, I got to do something with that. It's scary. It's intimidating. We get it.

Everyone's been there. But like, also, if you don't like penises, you don't have to like penises. No, there are other options. And you could just like no genitals either. So you're good. Whichever way it goes, you're fine. Also, generations of people have looked at the penis for the first time and gone, damn, I got to touch that and do something with it. they've managed it you'll be fine and honestly the the

solution is in one of your your wishes of being like i wish i could just look at it and like touch it and explore it i promise you i don't know how old you are i assume fairly young but i promise you if you find someone that you're attracted to and that you trust i'm sure if you were just like hey i've never been with someone before and i'd kind of like to just kind of figure it all out with you i'm sure they won't as long as you're not being weird and clinical and pokey and i will also say like do your your research like we have a episode on blow jobs and hand jobs which i definitely should just remember the name of but uh like you can't just be like oh apparently they're sensitive they don't look it

they are don't hurt it please you know don't yank the fucking skin down and snap the banjo string don't like slap it side to side don't like get a cheese grater out you know what i mean none of those things do your due diligence i hate all words you just said take a take a moment and if you are if you do want to explore with someone and you know take a take a moment to really figure it all out talk to your partner at the same time be like does that feel good what would feel good right now is this is this that you know what i mean like play around with it and if at any point in time you start feeling uncomfortable just let your partner know be like hey i don't really know how this is gonna go i don't know how i feel about this i'm

very intimidated by them and i but i like you and i wanna i wanna get to know the parts of you you can even just be like if if you masturbate like what do you do that feels good that's hot and that's fun and they'll be like ah this you jerk it you'll be like amazing so you're good but again you don't have to like it. But if you want to, I'm sure you will. Just, you know, be cool, be confident and be communicative. I'm on the fence about what I'm about to suggest. And watch some porn.

And now I am worried about this because porn penises tend to be much larger than average. And that's another thing if they're like damn they're all so big it's like don't worry they're not they're not all but i mean again i don't know maybe you find all of them big you're right like unless like maybe but like maybe if they've never seen one in real life odds are they're seeing it on porn which means they're getting a way distorted do skewed greatly skewed um so size apart because like i said porn you're gonna see the larger end of the spectrum uh but just like look at them and see how they like there's plenty of stuff i'm sure you can find uh you know solo men masturbating i'm sure

you can find uh you know handjob videos and just watch what people do and how they interact and how it all works. And just kind of submerge yourself in... Because I think if you're so afraid of something and you just kind of cover your eyes and refuse to look at them, it's like, yeah, you're just going to build up an innate fear of something. It's the same way. It's like if someone is like oh i'm i'm nervous about you know the lights being out i don't like the lights being out and you just if you always tell yourself that it's going to be really really bad and everything is scary in the dark and you leave the lights on it's like you're not gonna get better because when it finally does happen when

you finally you know the lights do get turned off you're gonna freak the fuck out because you've hyped yourself up for so long that it's so scary in the dark so take a moment and kind of you know the lights do get turned off you're gonna freak the fuck out because you've hyped yourself up for so long that it's so scary in the dark so take a moment and kind of you know look at them and like now said and i think this is very very important to reiterate if you look at them and you're like hey i feel nothing positive about those things then penises might not be for you exactly all right uh i right. I'll start from the start here. This is by deleted user. My 27-year-old female. Whoa.

My 27-year-old male fiance, 27-year-old female, climaxed during a routine spa massage, and I wish she had not told me about it. My fiance likes to treat herself to a spa day once or twice a month. Massage, sauna, mani-pedi, the whole works. I've always loved she pampers herself this way. She came back from the spa the past weekend and said she had to tell me something. She had an unexpected orgasm during her massage from a male masseur. She assured me there was no genital contact or sexual contact whatsoever, and I believe her. It was just a regular massage, she didn't even feel anything building up, there was just a sudden and intense release. She said she was mortified, she always climaxes quite loudly, and I imagine the surprise boosted her volume. Ended the massage right there and came straight

home, skipping other spa treatments she had planned. I told her thanks for telling me she did nothing wrong, and I love her very much. I definitely appreciate her spirit of honesty and would hate for her to feel any guilt or shame, but I really wish she'd just keep this one to herself. Nobody involved did anything inappropriate. My fiancé was just getting massaged, as she always does, and the masseur was just a professional doing his job. Exceptionally well, apparently. All I'm left with is the knowledge another man made the woman I'm going to marry come in a way she never has before.

I have no one and nothing to be mad at, nothing to complain about, no emotional recourse at all. I just have to get over it. Any tips on how I can do that, ASAP? I like this question because he's fully aware like what you're describing is jealousy and what you're describing is the unlogical the the the side of our brain that doesn't have a logical reason to be jealousy or to be jealous right like jealousy rarely is rooted in logic because usually if there is a logical reason why you're feeling jealous it's not jealousy you're upset

about something that's actually happened you're upset about real facts yeah the whole point of jealousy is usually completely centered on ourselves and an illogical reason why and it's usually insecurities uh it's usually past trauma it's usually you know baggage that we have in in terms of like trust issues like that's why we get jealous about stuff or you know societal you know external societal pressure to feel bad about this kind of stuff i think it's pretty clear why he feels that way because he spells it out another man made the woman i'm going to marry come in a way she never has before yeah that's it you feel this like ownership and possessiveness because of your impending marriage and you're insecure that

this is better than what you could have done that's it that's why you're jealous and it's not even like it seems like you know there's no saying that you couldn't do this you didn't like she didn't even know it was on the table you know what i mean like it just kind of happened it's also i sure did not enjoy it if she ran home into the massage right there and told you about it she's not like i had the best time she's like fuck that was the worst so it's not even something to be jealous of yeah and it's not like you know this was a hot fantasy of hers and every weekend or like you know every so often you guys would try and she would lie down and you give her a massage so that she could come it's not like you guys were actively trying to achieve this goal it it surprised her she wasn't expecting it she didn't want it she

didn't know she wanted it and that's it and like now said she ended the massage and came home and told you right away she's probably now ruined every future massage for herself. Yeah. I'm glad that you can clock all these things. I'm glad you're not mad at her. I'm glad you're not distrustful of her. You know what I mean? Like these are all the things that you run the risk.

When jealousy rears its ugly head, you run the risk of projecting that onto your partner or onto, you know, a hobby or a friend group or a coworker, whatever it is that's, you know, it's, it's none of those things. So there's a couple of steps and we've talked about it before. And this is how I deal with jealousy is you stop and you ask yourself, do I have any right? And it sounds like you've already done that. Cause you say you have no reason you have no emotional recourse. And the second you ask yourself that question, you should be like, no, I don't. She did nothing wrong. I love her. She's trustworthy. These are all things. It's a

thing that happened and it was unintentional. It wasn't malicious. And there's a good chance it might not have ever happened again. So I need to internalize that, process it, think about it. You're allowed to feel jealous. You're allowed to feel this way. And you seem to be dealing with it the correct way in the sense of being like, I'm aware of all these feelings and i'm aware that they shouldn't be pushed outwards towards my partner i just don't know how to deal with them and that's fine i think a second thing to do is put yourself in their shoes and by that i mean have mark sage who is why i assume his name is make you come real hard no as in put yourself in their shoes and it's like, this isn't a good thing for them. This was embarrassing. This was awful. It'll probably ruin her twice a month self-care. I would never be able to go back. Yeah. We had a question before where it was like,

a girl was pulled up to dance by some guy and the boyfriend was jealous. And it's like, if you put yourself in her shoes, you'd know that she probably felt uncomfortable and had to do a thing that was unpleasant to her out of like, you know, social pressure and or fear. And it's like, if you do that, you realize you've nothing to be jealous of. So in this situation, it's similar. We're like, that's embarrassing as fuck. So what are you jealous of? And then you can sympathize and be a good partner.

Yeah. Which, which thankfully it sounds like you did, which is why I feel like i don't need to come at this dude whatsoever oh no i'm not coming at him i'm just saying like these are these are very simple ways because it's like he's built he's assembled the material to build the short step ladder to get over this and he just doesn't seem to know how to put it together yeah exactly and i will say there is no harm also when the next time your girlfriend goes or fiance goes to get a massage that you're not less of a person. You're not a bad person. If there is that quick little pang of like jealousy or dread or whatever, you know what I mean?

Because one, I promise you, she's feeling the same way. I'm sure she's like, hey, this cannot happen again. And so there's no harm in feeling that way as long as you do those steps again to be like no this is just stupid insecurities it's me being unrational and or irrational and it's fine i trust my partner i know nothing bad is going to happen and if it does happen again i know it's not malicious it's just a thing so it's it's not like you can like very rarely do we kill jealousy on the spot. Very rarely do we look at something that we're jealous about and be like, I've done it. It's gone forever and I'll never feel this way again.

That's an unrealistic expectation. So as long as like now said, you keep those toolbox or these this toolkit that you have of all the pieces you need to deal with the jealousy. Just store them away. And when they come back up, you know how to put it all together and be like, good, great. Here's my solution. Bye-bye jealousy again until you show up again.

I hate me. This is She Really Is Pink. My fiance is calling off our wedding because of my past. I, a 28-year-old female, have been with my, I guess, ex-fiance, 31-year-old male, for about two years total. We got engaged last summer when he popped the question shortly

after I moved in with him. We were supposed to get married this fall, but he changed his mind. Things were going great and normal till we had a conversation the other night about what I was up to before I met him. He knew I was going through a ho phase at the time, but he didn't know exactly to what extent.

But the other night he kept prying for detail so i finally told him about a gangbang i had with three other guys he's now disgusted with me he kept saying i can't believe you of all people would let yourself get used like that and i just can't look at you the same anymore now he's backing out of getting married with me we're still together but he says he has to keep thinking about whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The last few days living with him has been miserable. He's avoiding all eye contact, and it's just short and cold towards me in general.

I don't know what to do. Should I have just lied about it? Kept it a secret? Does he just need time to process it? Or is this relationship doomed? This guy is super slut shamey and shitty. And I do understand. No, I don't know. I imagine it's probably doomed because i can't imagine he's going to get over it anytime soon you can't change your past so that's out of the

question this is a good addition to what we just talked about in the sense of like he's jealous because you did nothing wrong yes that's the thing it is irrational because it's like you're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want before you meet someone. Arguably, the only thing you're not allowed to do is what you've agreed with your partner to not do, i.e. let's be monogamous. I could understand someone being like, hey. Not the three guys, because presumably I wouldn't be marrying you. Maybe all three of us will. Who knows? Yeah, maybe you guys have a real good connection. Yeah, no, like, he's being irrational. You know that he probably knows that deep down, but probably doesn't want to face it,

because he's feeling a lot of things. And unfortunately, some people are just toxic when it comes to their views on women. I'm sure he doesn't feel any shame for the people he slept with or the things he's done. But because you're a woman. Would it be the same situation? I'm sure he would. One of the crowning moments of his life is if he had sex with three women at the same time. Yeah.

He would. That would be the story that he would never shut up about. I'm sure you would have heard the story every time he had friends over. You know what I mean? And there would never be any you were used verbiage yeah and it would be i had the best night of my life here's the thing there is nothing wrong with being used if you are a consensual partner in that really like you know what i mean like there's nothing wrong with having three dudes have their way with you if that is what you wanted and yeah and also like you could

consent to be used in a situation like that but you could also be in a situation like that and not be used and not be used yeah right like that's and even saying it that way just shows his toxic mindset that's like there's no way you could want that or have agency in that or have enjoyment in that you just are a piece of meat in this situation. He's decided, I guess, which is super cool, Chad. So that's shitty. I imagine somebody at this age, I don't know what age they are, but they're at the age of getting married. 31. I imagine they're not going to change their toxic views. So I imagine this relationship is over. However, maybe he was just blindsided and took it poorly because people are bad with jealousy.

Maybe he feels lesser, maybe he feels like he hasn't been experienced or maybe he has some weird kind of like oh my precious wife who's never been sullied, you know, which is again, this facet of toxic masculinity where like, if a woman does X, Y, or Z, they're, you know, stained

or soiled or ruined, whereas like with men, it's like, no, I'm a ruined whereas like with man it's like no i'm a fucking normal amazing you're a shitty lock i'm a great key you know yeah so i say if this is something you want to pursue if you still want to get married to this person you have a conversation with them and you let them know and be like hey this was something that i did in my past uh before i met you i did nothing wrong here. I enjoyed myself. I was a consensual partner in that sexual experience.

And it was something that I wanted to do. So there is no reason for you to be upset at me or with me because of what I did in my sexual past. You were the one who pried. You were the one who wanted these answers. So this is the bed that you made. So lay it down very, very clearly and and be like are you cool with this and if he has to say i don't know i need time to think then be like cool then you're not cool with this because if you need to process my past and need a indeterminate amount of time to do that. I'm not going to wait around for X amount,

like for two years or three months or a couple of weeks for you to be like, no, actually I don't approve of how you live your life because it's a waste of time. Almost as bad. I, you know what? I've decided I do approve of you.

Yeah. I'll validate your past that you were totally allowed to do. And we all know the interim is going to be like snide comments and like, I can't even touch you right now. Or like, I don't even know if I want to fuck you when I think about it. That's all I could see, you know,

all this bullshit. And it's like, look, if you talk to them and you explain where you're coming from, which is again, you did nothing wrong. Maybe they just needed a minute. I doubt it.

But if they did, sure. If you want to move ahead and they seem okay. Sure i doubt it but if they did sure if you want to move ahead and they seem okay sure but it has to be it it can't be like he brings it up every time you fight you know it can't be like oh well you are the gangbanger so now i'm allowed to cheat on you which we've seen we've had questions in like that yeah you need to lay it down in that conversation to be like cool then you're cool with it and it's no different than me having past sexual partners it's no different than me having past sexual partners it's no different than you having past sexual partners the amount of partners i had at one time does not

change like change the fact that this was a sexual experience that i was allowed to have the same way that i'm not going to go through your past history and try to find you know something in there to get upset about so if if you're cool with it, you're cool with it. You're not allowed to weaponize this against me. And the second you bring it up as a means of defense during an argument is it. It's zero tolerance policy and see how they react. If they're like, well, hold on.

It's like, cool. You're not a partner I want to be with. You are not the person I want to marry because the fact that I even have to have this conversation and validate my past to you is already a pretty big red flag but as now said the the societal pressure of men and like the the fact that we haven't been educated on this shit and the fact that we are taught from a very young age that like you should be as now said like you should be the key they're the lock blah blah blah blah blah like that shit is so ingrained in men that he might need a reality check and the second you give it to him he's like yes i was being an idiot i'm sorry you're

absolutely right you are allowed to do that you have done nothing wrong and i was out of line for getting upset at you i'm sorry if that If that's his response. Cool. Great. Because we all do stupid shit and jealousy makes us say stupid things. Great. But if, if when you have this conversation, it's more of the like, well, I don't know.

Well, here's this, here's that, here's all these reasons why I should be allowed. I would bail on it. I would just be like, cool. I don't want to spend the rest of my life,

like digging myself out of a hole that you dug yourself and pushed me 100 you're always gonna be down one point in in his mind where it's like oh I could do this because you did this which like even if you had done something wrong would be bad but when you haven't done something wrong that's hell yeah that's uh that's my answer to that I would be very concerned about it continuing it's cinder time y'all's my answer to that i would be very concerned about it continuing it's cinder time y'all um i want to do a quick update because i talked about it i think on the regular episode i don't think i talked about i think i talked about the league on our normal episode who knows yeah who knows i don't know anymore so i was very excited by the prospect

of it i liked the idea of it i haven't had a whole lot of success on it granted i've also used it i've opened it like two or three times. So I haven't really been that active on it. I love the idea of this like three person curated, no real like endless swiping kind of thing. But let me tell you the amount of effort, like my three matches today, no profile, no information about them. When I click on it, more info about Sarah, Pisces, YYZ, Toronto. And that's not what they've added in. That's just what the app gives me when they like look at your birthday and your location and shit.

Damn. Well, what more do you need to know? It's very sparse. It seems like even less effort is being put into this, which kind of sucks but the one thing that i was really interested in was like this this idea of like the groups that you could uh you could join these groups and uh you know organize like events and shit organize events so say i wanted to set up a an event in the karaoke fiends group i do have you have to be a member of the the mission is what they call. So you have to be a member. Guess what the starter price is per month? To be part of the mission? Yeah, to be a member.

So this is like their version of like Tinder Platinum or the Bumble Plus sort of. I'm going to err on the side of happiness. Well, how much? A dollar. A dollar. Interesting. No, you're wrong.

It's $384.99 a month. month a month if you want to be an owner the pro level 499 a month investor if you want to be a heavy hitter in the league 1000 a month okay what what does the 384 dollar get you because that is. That's a lot of fucking money. The CEO better come out and give you a handy once a month minimum. Benjamin League better come touch it once a month. Members get five daily prospects. As opposed to three.

That's not great so far. Read receipts. So if someone's listening to your message. Great, now I feel like shit more often than not. Up to five weekly video dates. Get prioritized for speed dating parties. See your past likes so you can take another shot. Edit job and education.

Stand out or keep things private. Profile stats. See how you're performing. Hide your age. Reduce bias. No need to lead with age. Jet setter. Scout prospects from multiple cities.

Family plans. Scout prospects with similar family plans, default openers, send an intro note with every match, extra batch of prospects, get five new prospects upon purchase, and create groups and events. That's so bad. For $384

a month. That's a lot of money. And I don't know if my app is glitch, but when I do click into it, it is willing to charge me over 400 after tax and exchange rate for a membership and i i do not know who is paying for this presumably nobody hopefully nobody that's because last week weren't you like this is a good app now it's like oh no it's the most predatory and like again i don't see any like because for me tinder my problem with tinder and all these apps are like they tend to hide matches from you and this i'm

just like i don't like is it unusable if you're not paying for it like i don't know i don't there's not enough data here for me to like look because like i don't know who's saying yes to me right there's no counter just gotta keep swiping and see there's no swiping you know what i mean you gotta keep prospecting it's it's i i don't know how they came up with these numbers and who they think are paying these things it's also just like a wild disparity where it's like 384 for like the base level 400 and something for the next level and then a thousand for the next one if you're that rich you don't need to be on a shitty app no offense the league and that's like i don't know is this just like a brilliant marketing scheme by a couple women who are like let's find the richest people and fleece them out of so much

fucking money maybe like i don't i i i cannot see anyone spending that amount of money like it's bad enough that like tinder and bum, I think, are in the $20, $30, $40 range a month. That's still obscene. That's a lot for a dating app. If it's more than Netflix, it's way too much. If it's Netflix, it's still too much. It should be like $1 or $2 max.

It also just shouldn't be charged. That's insane. Alright, do you want to add a little data? Do you want a profile? Yeah. Looking for a sugar baby Manny, I'm a single mom with a newborn baby. Baby's father pays for our expenses and I am a single stay-at-home mom that lives alone with the baby. I'd like to find a boyfriend that can live here or come over and help me take care of the baby. I'll cover all the living expenses. Let's enjoy life together and live a fun and carefree life. My baby is very sweet and she is so cute. It's just a lot to do on my own and i would like some romance in my life too you know i this not for me i would not go near this but for the

right person i feel like this could be a sweet gig it's a weird one it's it's it's a weird one but at no point it's not like they're saying you know the i'm cheating on my husband or you know like it's pretty open and honest and genuine and honestly kind of sweet in a way i've got a cute baby and i'm kind of looking for romance let's live a carefree life it's kind of sweet i don't hate it it's like i said like not for everyone not for me but i think that as long as this doesn't get this there isn't like a insidious background but it's like we can't judge things on the the premise of being like yeah because like every time we find a good profile we could be like they could be a murderer so like i can't i can't rate based on this profile i think it's like you

said open it's honest i think it's endearing i think you know exactly what you're getting i think you know exactly what they're looking for i I'm going to give it a nine. Yeah, I think it's like an eight. I can keep going. Yeah, this is nameless. And the picture is them, you know, like a pull up bar. Yeah, I get that door pull up bar. They are suspended from that by their underwear.

And they're like almost horizontal in getting the giantest wedgie ever okay um they have check like pajamas pants down around their ankles i'm gonna send you this picture you just tell me if i missed anything good christ yes jesus oh my god yeah that's it's a full full wedgie and they're saying looking for dominant women who like to give wedgies i I emoji. Yes, this is a real fetish. Lol. I mean, you got it covered, though, dude. Yeah. Why? I mean, I guess.

Well, you know, I assume this is like his version of masturbation. Yeah. Like it gets the job done, but nothing beats same as a big hefty Olga lifting you up by the the tidy brownies because they are not white. They're not white. Man, the clenched fists really sell this for me this is this photo of just like it looks like he's like powering up to like take off like he was like the rocketeer he is in launch position he's that kind of like a nice 45 degree angle um i just like why are the trousers still on you can't just take them off maybe that's part of the allure, right?

Like feeling like you're getting pantsed and then wedgies. I don't know, man. I'm not here to yuck this man's yum. I'm not yucking it. I'm huffing it. I feel like it looks like a process to set up too. I can't imagine that's an easy situation to get in and out of. No.

I also feel like very unsafe. I feel like some real physical danger for this man if he falls his pants are around his ankles so he can't deploy his feet to stop himself it's not even that i just feel like it's part of it the upward pressure of everything like could really do a number on some pretty vital bits so my honestly my only concern here is for this man's safety i'm all about enjoying your kinks and and going through with your fetishes but you've got to do it safely and i do not feel like this man is doing it safely that's why we need to find them this dominant woman i appreciate the honesty he knows what he's looking for again i it's not for

me and i don't feel like it's for a lot of people, but someone out there, this might be the perfect match. And he's being open. He's being honest. He's laying it on the table. Again, I wish we'd get a little bit more about him. Yeah, that's the thing. It's not quite as good as the other one.

I'm going to give it a seven. I'm going to leave it at a seven as well. Well, I'm giving it a seven for desire, but I really am concerned about this man. So I'm going to give him a five for it doesn't look like he's practicing his kink safely. Okay. You want one last one? Which leads me to believe that his fetish might be or his pursuit of his fetish might be unsafe as well. Yeah, let's do one more and then we'll get out of here.

Also blank name. They are 45 and they say if your height begins with five, your bank account better have five zeros with a comma. It's bad. It's not great. It's bad all around. Yeah. Because like what happens if I had 999,999,999? That's way too much.

But there's no zeros. Well, I think they mean like five figures. I'm just saying you're missing out on the real rich folk. It's a very specific amount of zeros you're looking for. I can't imagine they're very good at most things, including life, if this is their outlook. Yeah. I mean, it's bad. It's terrible.

You're obsessed with heightened money and willing to exchange. It's just like, no, you're bad. You're bad at this. Zero. Yep, zero as well. Thank you very much for listening, friends. That's going to do it for this week. It's been an absolute pleasure to be here with you.

We love you. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. Thank you to everybody who's been sending in questions and profiles lately. Thank you to everybody on our Patreon. If you're interested in joining, please do go to fbuddiespodcast.com and click on the Patreon link or click on the question link and send us a question. We got a little form there. You can provide an agent name or we'll provide one for you, or you can just be like, hey, give them my deets. And we will. We might not.

We appreciate all the support. Helps us keep doing what we're doing. And we love all of y'all. Ready for some bad sex writing? Yeah. Now this is going to be a Tinder profile. So get ready. This is Jim. He says, swipe left.

So unattractive if you have. Picture with other man. Posed with a wing behind. Cat, dog, big eye, and princess filters. Picture taken one feet above your head, showing unnatural lip gestures. Too many adrenaline activity photos. Signs of addiction, and men prefer what you cook, not your adventures. Un-aesthetic beach photos. Beach photos, but un-aesthetic is just spelled crazy, and you don't know who

Bertrand Russell is. So long. Straight man. 6.05. Agnostic. Open-minded. Handsome. Caucasian. Married. Looking for fun with benefits. Wink. Hey, you know what? I don't hate his list of bad photos, though.

Too many adrenaline activity photos? Sign of addiction. man prefer what you cook not your adventures but like the fucking the wings and the filters and what's the wings have you not seen it it's like there's like graffiti wings on walls and stuff and you stand I assume that's

what they mean and it's like look yeah I get it I understand those but no it's that's fine. The filters, yeah. It looks like your husband and it doesn't mention a husband in the... If it's a wedding photo, not good.

Unnatural lip gestures. That's a weird one. I assume duck face also. I could be 50-50 on that one. Adrenal activity photos, I'm down. It's so funny because my partner when I met them on Tinder A lot of adrenaline activity photos And I really want to just send her a clip of this I might, it's going to be very funny

Unaesthetic beach photos, I don't care Give me a fucking beach photo or not Who the fuck is Bertrand Russell? I have no idea who that is, but what if they mean on the beach photo You know what I hate about beach photos? Is when you've taken it and you're like 9 million miles away. And I'm just like, don't put this photo up. I can't see you.

Bertrand Russell is a British mathematician who died in 1970. Fuck off. But he's also famous for coming up with the equation of why women are worse than men. He calls it the dick formula.

Thank you very much for listening. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Noss Bane. We've been your fuck buddies.