F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 248 - 2 Hot, 2 Shirtless

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

NOTE: As of right now, our show is sold out already.  You're monsters and we love you.  We're working on getting more seats in the venue. It's too hot to write a damn description.  You figure it out.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I am Niall Spain. And we are your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Although in this episode, we're turning them into even more sweaty situations. It's so hot, guys. I know we talk about it every year. We're like, ah, it's so hot, but it's hot. It's so hot. I think it's like 38. It feels like 38 you know what fuck this yeah see i once again we're we're doing video now you're missing the brilliant view of now trying to take his shirt off while wearing headphones we look like we're sexting each other right now is 100% hotter than most people's phone sex, I imagine.

Oh, for sure. Are you wearing pants? I'm wearing the scantiest of boxers. I'm also wearing skate-y boxers. I'm wearing my manscaped boxers. Oh, you know what? Mine are very similar, but they're not the manscaped ones. We're just two naked boys doing a podcast together.

You know what we should do is video this, put it up on Patreon and make that big money. just put our first video on only fans just two boys doing boy things online i'd be okay if it was only fans in here but i can't do that because i want to protect the audio quality so we talked about it with our friends or i talked about it with our friends over at gate leapers and they also have a similar situation. They fit three people in a room together. It looks like a bigger room though. It's slightly larger than, but it's also not air conditioned or fanned.

So locking, and we were just talking about how beautiful it would be and how the dream really is to one day have an air conditioned studio. Oh, it would be, that's, that's my goal. Fuck making that big Joe Rogan money. If I make

enough to be able to get a studio that has AC, let's go. My friend does actually have a studio. If you wanted to, we could see about chipping in for his monthly costs and just having it a day a week or something. Does it have AC? I assume so. I can ask him. Yeah, because if it doesn't have ac yeah i don't want it yeah um

simply put we answer questions and topics of sex and dating and uh that's here and we find them online sometimes or from our listeners before we get too hot and horny and heavy and other things like that, live shows. They're back. Live shows. They sound very fun. They sound like a great time. And let me tell you. They were a rollicking success.

They were a great time because we've already done three of them and we're going back for another round of them. They can't get enough. The next live show, and this is plenty of time for you to prepare, to rally your friends, to make a reservation, and join us August, Sunday, the 6th, a weekend, this

time. 7 o'clock. 7 o'clock. And Dane mentioned a very important thing about making reservations. We've had heartbreak. Every show has been sold out, generally two weeks in advance. So, get them in quick. Also, if we

book out early, we will be able to try to get more tables and seats added in. Which helps us. Which helps you. Yes. So, if you're coming and you want to come, make a reservation to make sure that you can actually make it and you can go. But this also helps us in the long run because we would be able to try to finesse a few more tables and seats in there so we can open the reservations to even more people.

So if you want to come August, September or August, Sunday, the 6th. Yeah. August, September, the 6th. August, September. August, Sunday September the 6th. August September. August Sunday the 6th 7pm. Same location as before Black Sheep and Liberty Village in Toronto. The show is free and all you got to do is make a reservation and

show up and bring some friends and get ready to laugh. Bring your questions. We do an audience question portion. Bring your profiles if you want us to review them. It's going to be a great time. It's a blast. The rooftop patio, if you want to hang out for a lovely drink after the show,

it's a great, great, great spot. We're excited to do it, and we really hope we get to see you. Yeah, the last three were great. Everyone who came was fucking awesome. The questions were on point, and everyone had fun, and it was just great. So can't wait. Very excited to be doing them again and we want to see you. Yeah, you. We want to see you. You. You.

But unfortunately, we will be wearing clothes. We do have to wear clothing in this. For now. We might be able to convince them if this next batch of shows goes really well. Exactly. It's all about baby steps. So so for this one we're allowed to wear open-toed shoes which is you know for a lot of you freaks that's gonna be great that's that's enough for some of you

weird for the front row probably not gonna be wonderful not great it is august no okay you're ready yeah let's do a question this This is by Thra0823. My wife, my 20-year-old male wife, 19-year-old female, is jealous of a body pillow. I never thought I'd have to make a post like this, but here we are. After a short hiatus off the account, I'm back to Reddit for advice. A few years ago, I had a friend who was moving house and across the country with family. They were giving quite a few things away, and one of them was a body pillow they didn't want to take because it was too big. She asked if I wanted it, and I took it. It's a normal body pillow, and one of them was a body pillow they didn't want to take because it was too big. She asked if I wanted it, and I took it.

It's a normal body pillow, not one of those weird anime ones. I brought it with me when I moved in with my wife and placed it at the headboard of the bed as a decorative pillow. It remained untouched, except when we changed the sheets and unmade-slash-remade the bed. Today, however, I took a nap when I got home from work, and the bed was unmade. Body pillow was kind of in the middle, so I lay down and curled around it without much thought. Had a really good sleep. When I woke up, my wife was furious. She asked me why I'd replaced her with a pillow.

I'd just woken up, so I kind of stood there, and I asked, what are you talking about? She told me she saw me cuddling with the pillow and asked why I didn't ask her to lay down with me instead. At this point, I couldn't believe I was having this conversation. I tried to tell her I wasn't trying to replace her in any way and that I'm not going to require her to lay down with me whenever I want to sleep. She said she's perfectly happy to do that and would prefer it to me cuddling with a pillow. At this point, I admit

I got a bit heated and told her she's being unreasonable. This made things worse and she told me she wants me to get rid of it. I told her I don't want to do that, but she said if I don't get rid of it by tomorrow, she will. I like the pillow. I don't want to get rid of it. It's wasteful to get rid of it it's wasteful to get rid of a perfectly good pillow it's comfortable and i got it from a friend what do i do i love this guy being like look man i know i fucked up saying she was being unreasonable i like that he he's just like look i get it i fucked up i know that's not the way to do it i know that's never gonna go well telling an angry person that like you're being unreasonable. People love when you say that. What are you talking about?

Ever responded positively to that. This is bad. Obviously you are in the right here. Pillows are, you use something for their direct purpose. It's like being like, Oh, so you just sat down with a cup of tea.

I could have had a cup of tea with you. You did it without me. It's the kettle more like, I'm sorry. You put your fingers through the hole of that mug to grip that mug? Why didn't you put your fingers through me? Yeah. Why didn't you grip me?

You used the... It's not like she walked in on you, like, humping the pillow or fucking the pillow. Or did she? Or did she? Or did she? Maybe that's some information you left out conveniently. I'm shrugging a lot for those who can't see me. If that was the case, I would get it.

I would understand walking in and being like, oh, cool, you're having sex with that pillow. That makes me uncomfortable. Great. Even then, it's like, if it was a fleshlight, would it be different? Or is this just a general, like, additional sex toys, jealousy, weird thing that needs to be sorted? But whatever. That's not what the question is. Let's rewind where he got this pillow.

Oh. He does say she. Does he? Doesn't he? Yes. So maybe she knows that this pillow is from your lady friend. Or your friend who happens to be a lady. And she is sort of projecting,

being like, you're cuddling this pillow who came from Lucy. Therefore, Lucy is this pillow. You would rather cuddle with Lucy rather than me. It's like when you're a kid and you drink from the same bottle as someone, you're like, oh, we kind of kissed. We shared saliva. That is kind of kissing. She's like, oh, we kind of kissed. We shared saliva. That is kind of kissing.

She's like, it's an indirect cuddle. It is. Because one day, one day, we all know it's your secret plan to give the body pillow back, thus completing the indirect cuddle, because then your friend will cuddle it, and you guys have smooshed bodies together, and that's cheating.

And at that point, you might as well fuck. You may as well fuck. You might as well be fucking. So you're right. Throw this away. But the thing is, if he throws it away, raccoon gets to it. That's bestiality. Yeah, now he's cuddled with a raccoon.

Now he's cuddled with a raccoon. Okay, I would fucking love to. I would cuddle a raccoon. My algorithm these days is a lot of raccoon content and there is one video of a raccoon lying on its back or like in between someone's knees like it's on someone's lap and they're just

they're just jiggling holy poly boy yeah that's big oh I want to do that so badly I think I've mentioned I might have mentioned on the show I can't remember there was a night where i was very drunk and i was walking home and there was like a church on the corner of my street and there was a whole whack of baby raccoons and drunk me was like this is my chance and i sat down and i got to pet several baby raccoons as they came to see me thankfully drunk me had the wherewithal to be like oh i need to go

the second i saw big mama coming fucking barreling down the street the second she saw me hanging out with her little baby so i got the fuck out of there but i have pet baby raccoons well the one very jealous too the last time we went to karaoke a baby raccoon fell out of a tree in front of me and i thought it died and i was very sad but then it got up and just seemed confused and like looked at me and was like okay i started coming towards me and i was like fuck i really want to i want to pick this guy up i want to rescue him i want to help him out but one not smart move two its mom was trying as fast to come down the tree as fast it could so that wasn't a good plan so i had to like be like no go away get

and then like move away and then the mom came and then the baby was like now mom i want to live in this apartment so kept trying to go to our front door and then eventually the mom dragged it away and it was like oh yeah you're my mom that's cool i hurt my head and it hopefully is fine this big building isn't my mom yeah this big bright lobby is not in fact my raccoon mother. I feel like raccoons have the same sort of superpower that pandas do. Cause like, have you, you've seen pandas eat shit.

just absolutely. It's as if they're in a competition to murder themselves more and more. And they're like, they must be heavy. I've seen them go through like, they're big boys. They're like enclosure things. They fall off a tree and go like straight through what the zoo is built for

them. And you're like enclosure things. They fall off a tree and go straight through what the zoo's built for them. You're like, damn. Either they have the same contractors that do the WWF furniture, or these are hefty boys. You know what? If I was a zookeeper and I was in charge of making the pandas, I would put folding tables everywhere. Oh, for sure.

Under every tree? Yeah, every tree there would be a folding table just so I could get that security footage and i just came up with the best new tiktok thing it's just you edit in folding tables under all of those things and just have them go through them anyway just replace him with the with the fucking uh what's his name not jerry lawler jim ross just being like, my God, my God, broken in half. TM, TM, you fucking do this. You owe us all the money.

Hey, what the fuck are we talking about? I have no idea. Indirect. Your wife is like, this is irrational, which a jealousy often is. You need to be like, hey, what's the root of this? And try to talk it out. But also maybe you shouldn't have gotten married pre-20 and 19, which you guys did. But it's a different thing.

Yeah, you just had to sort of, the way I'd phrase it would be like, am I allowed to sleep on my pillow? Because I put my face and wrap my arms around my pillow. Well, I mean, that's how I do it. It's like, at what level, if I ever walk in and you've bundled up yourself in the covers do we have to get rid of the covers because i i can bundle around you like i could wrap my arms around you yeah what if my like during the night i like tuck the sheets between my legs damn no sheets now yeah like i i put a coat on oh i'm out right you have to be like i was using a thing for the exact.

And that's like the point of body pillows is to sort of like wrap yourself around them. Like that's, that's what they're made for. So you need to be like, Hey, I was using something distinctly and expressly for the purpose that it was created. I need to know why you're upset by this. Yeah. And if you're jealous of a pillow, that needs to be something we talk about. And if it's a, you know,

if you feel like I'm not giving you enough physical affection or I don't ask you to be affectionate with me enough, that's fine. And that's criticism that I, I will take into consideration moving forward thing. We need to talk about and not divert through body pillow, jealousy and demands and shit because yeah like if that is what you want and that's what you need from me just having me throw things away until

you're the last thing in the house for me to cuddle is not the way to get it that's not it it's not it so you have to have a calm rational conversation and just explain all those things and see where it's coming from and if it really is her being like that but i'm jealous of that body pillow because you're cuddling it you're not cuddling at me not cuddling me you just have to be like that is unfair and again lay it out and just be like i'm using it for its purpose what why do we have any of these things if i could be upset about you using any of them yeah i'm like what where does the line where's the line get drawn like oh shit the couch touched my butt is that cheating oh no i just sat on it you know so have the conversation hopefully when tempers have cooled somewhat but like it does seem like

there's a different argument here there's a different problem is the actual root of this see if you can get to that and then if you do maybe try to be like hey next time if you do have an issue bring it up like we don't have to go in this roundabout way that sucks yes himmy this isn't so much a question but i think you know it's worth worth talking about just briefly uh this is from reddit Throwplushy. Nervous about going to an adult store alone. 22-year-old female. My vibrator that I had for three to four years is officially dead. Won't turn on after two nights and one full day of charging. It just hums like it wants to turn on and then shuts off and the light blinks.

I tend not going to a local adult store since I can't order one online since I still live with my parents and I'm worried about them finding the box. I'm a little nervous since I've never been in one alone before. I've only been to one once and that was with my ex. I will go anyways despite my fears because I know it will make me happy after I go and this is something I need but I'm still nervous. I feel like being alone would be embarrassing even though most likely no one will care. Well I would like I want you to just take a second put yourselves in the shoes of the people who work there. If you think being like they work in a sex shop, why would they think going into a sex shop is embarrassing?

Yeah. And anyone in that sex shop is also in that sex shop is also in that sex shop. Right. It's like, you know, if you're like, oh, I go into an anime convention, I'm worried that somebody there will see me. It's like, yeah, guess what? They're also at that anime convention, which means they get it. Logically,

you have nothing to worry about. And at the end of the day, like you're going there because you need to get something that you want. It's a thing I want to like kind of talk about is it's like when people are like, Oh, I could never go to a movie by myself. I can never go to dinner by myself.

I can never go do this thing by myself. Cause they're worried about like perception, judging them. it's it makes no sense if it's something you want to do go do it and if some if there's if there's not hurting other people of course or yourself but like if you want to go see a movie by yourself in the middle of the day and you're worried that like you're going to go and there's going to be like two people be like who might look at you and think what a loser going to the movie by yourself fucking cares. Yeah, right. Like it doesn't matter.

Same thing with this. You need to go get a vibrator. Go get yourself a vibrator. No one is going to look at you in a sex store and be like, I promise you there is weirder shit in there that people are buying that are receiving no judgment. Yeah. Also, like it's fucking cool. You're in a sex shop. You're getting sexy things.

It's rad. Anyone thinks that's lame, they're probably super lame. Yeah. Oh, you have a fulfilled sex life. You're adventurous and fun. Like, what? You're good. You take care of your sexual health.

What an idiot. Yeah. You're going to cum real hard. It's fine. You're good. I wanted to do this question in case anyone else felt this way you're fine this is a deleted user i 30 year old male feel like the spark might be gone after my girlfriend 25 year old female of two months gave me a set timeline of when she wants big milestones

to happen living together and kids we met in the dating app we've been dating for two months and she's the sweetest kindest person i've ever. But I feel like things might be moving too fast. I'm 30, homeowner and have a career. Took me a long time to get where I am. She's 25 and on student visa in the country to do what sounds like a really difficult master's. She also works part-time. I'm very impressed by her. She's really been there for me already. I've been snowed under with work deadlines, home renovations, et cetera. And I had a shitty situation in my friendship group where I was essentially betrayed by a so-called friend. She was so comforting about it. So she's vented to me also about her studies and other stuff. And I've been there for her. It's all going smoothly. But then she was complaining about her roommate. And I asked when her lease is up. She said by the

end of the year. Then a few days later, out of nowhere, she said while staying over, I wish we could be together every day. I found this to be cute. But then she went on to say how she'll move into my place at the end of the year because there's no point me moving into my own place for three months. And I asked her why it would be three months. And she said that most couples move in with each other after about a year. So she wouldn't be renting alone for long anyway. So I politely, but firmly put my foot down and said, okay, it feels like you're just deciding this for me. It is my house and I'm not ready to discuss living together yet. We've only been dating for two months. She apologized, said she thought when I asked her when her lease was up, that was me hinting

at us living together. So we cleared that up. A couple of weeks later, went away for the weekend. My birthday present to her. She told me she was worried she was pregnant. I was calm about it. I knew it was unlikely because of the implant and I never come inside her. Waited calmly as she did the test and we tried to move on with the day, but she told me if

it had been positive, she would have kept it. I it i said well it's your body and your choice and then she tried to get more of an answer out of me and the thing is on our first ever date she asked if i ever want to marriage your kids and i said yes in the future with the right person so it's not like i'd left my intentions unknown but anyway i said to her i'm relieved it was negative because i'm not emotionally mentally or financially ready to be a parent at the moment and won't be for years she said okay yeah same here really i was thinking be for years. She said, okay, yeah, same here, really. I was thinking in two years. And I said, why is there a timeline?

You're only 25. For me, it's more like five years. I can't even think that far ahead. We barely know each other and we need to let these big milestones happen naturally and over time. So she started crying. I said, I understand, but I'm disappointed in your reaction. As a 30-year-old man with his shit together, I thought you'd react more responsibly. And I reiterated, I'm just being honest where i stand we moved on it's like

she's asking me when we're gonna have sex and keeps reassuring me her implant is working she saw a doctor to get a look at and that she's now okay with me wearing condoms etc but like i feel overwhelmed like i can tell she's perhaps a bit more insecure and i feel like the magic and spark might already be very damaged now just knowing she has a timeline in her head and at such an early stage, she keeps using the L word. I'm posting like a million pictures of us in our socials. I feel like I'm still barely catching my breath. Don't want to project onto her my past relationships

that I've invested emotionally then been hurt. And I don't want to push her away. But equally, I want things to be chill, fun, and slow. Well, it sounds like this relationship is none of those things. Maybe fun, maybe a little bit fun, but maybe not so much anymore. Not a lot of these things do sound fun. I think you've handled everything roughly how I would suggest you handle it. You know what I mean?

Like being clear about saying, hey, you know, I don't really want like I don't want to plan for you to move in because I don't know where we're going to be at that point. You know, like all those things make sense the fact that you clarified and we're like hey you know i'm relieved it was negative because i'm not ready to be a parent yet and the fact that you have addressed this this idea that she has of like all these timelines yeah it's very good that you haven't just been like oh yeah and then been like i'll deal with that in a year when it comes around because again right now two months in it is a wild thing to be talking about especially a year out that's five times or six times longer than your fucking relationship is yeah to talk about marriage kids living together at two months that's that's rough that would that would give me the heebie-jeebies real quick oh yeah um so i

think you need to like she's on a visa i'm worried that there is a little bit of an angle and i don't i hate like sort of like positing this kind of stuff because it is kind of it is a stereotype and it is a little not slut shamey but sort of like there's a there's a misogynistic tinge i think to being like she's using you for a green car. She's trying to baby trap you. But I think there is an angle of like, I think she's aware of the limited time that she might actually be here. And I think that might be sort of contributing

to her idea of what needs to happen and what time frame. Yeah, that definitely could be a part of it. And I totally totally agree with you i don't think timelines like these make sense we've talked about it with regards to dating and sex and like very early stage things so it's ever more important for like huge things like having kids and moving in together and getting married you can't do that you can't be like well it's been two years we gotta have a kid it's like well fuck i just lost my job but it's been two years like that isn't it has been two years though yeah i don't want kids yeah but did you not see it's been two years like that's wild so maybe you guys need to have a firm talk about expectations like that you know what i mean

because like if she's gonna be on this timeline lark and you know that's not where you're at and that is a thing that's never gonna be fixed maybe getting that talk out of the way right now is gonna be beneficial for you later on down the road yeah and i would i would say give yourself like maybe one more instance of this because you've already had two right you've had the move-in talk you've had the baby talk i feel like if you have that marriage hint or her being like you know i mean i think you might have to be like look i feel like you're moving on a timeline that does not match with mine and or at the very least you seem to want to force things faster than they should be going or at least faster than i'm comfortable with or you want things for arbitrary reasons yeah

and and like again you might have to call it off and just be like look i'm sorry i really like you but i mean you're already getting to the point where like you're overwhelmed when you're about to have sex it sounds like you're also not really super trusting in terms of yeah which is a terrible place to be yeah the idea of being like i don't know if she's actually on like a birth control you know regiment or whatever she finally will let me use condoms is a terrible line for me yeah there's there's a lot there that makes me nervous that she has an agenda and she's gonna push that agenda regardless of what you say like you know you said a thing and then she's like thing and then she's

like okay and then she goes and tries another angle and she's like okay you think that one or two conversations about this kind of thing would be enough to be like you're right i'm sorry i'm just gonna let it roll because she has not let anything roll she seems to still very much have a plan and seems like she's going to try to stick to it regardless of your cooperation or consent in the matter. I would be very aware of how things go moving forward when this rears its head. And also, if you don't trust someone to not get pregnant, just be very careful. Make sure you stick to those condoms. Or if you genuinely think that's happening break

up with them because you can't live a life like that nor should you yeah because then like how long are you gonna be like are these condoms good have they been sabotaged or tampered with like it starts doing a drake and filling them with tabasco when you're done terrible what just drake in general yes true um you know what i was thinking of and like i don't know in ireland was there ever the like thing of like storks deliver babies yeah okay i wasn't sure if that was like i don't know when you were talking about like babies global thing yeah i wasn't sure if it if it was the thing but like how that that was our sexual education that was what people explained babies to people or like i know

it was like a kid answer but like no wonder we were so fucked up no wonder like yeah so many people dumb like why not just be like yeah like comes they come from people like why would that be traumatic to a child more so than like there's a bird and you got a bag somehow wait what who's training the birds where are the bags who's are the kids? Where do they find them? Are the birds having the babies? How do the bees come into this? And I was going to say storks are notoriously fucking vicious, but I'm thinking of pelicans. Pelicans are the fucked up

ones. I don't know. I don't have a stance on storks. I don't have enough stork information. Not yet. I feel like we answered that one. Yeah. I mean, this one kind of ties in. Preparing to ask for safe sex advice. I'm 22. I'm pretty new to sex. I have a new partner who I want to have a PIV sex with, but he is poly. So the risk of him transmitting an STI is pretty high since he has a wife who

has a boyfriend who has a fiance. There's a lot of fluids being shared and I don't know if one person's STI test would be accurate. I'm not at all concerned about pregnancy because I'm on multiple forms of birth control. Don't ask, but I do want to stay safe with STIs. I know how to stay safe against STIs in theory. I know about using condoms for vaginal sex and oral sex, about dent stamps, but I just feel weird asking about them. It seems like it would make the sex a lot more complicated and a lot less natural. Does anyone have advice for how I could go about having this conversation? And if you suggest just trading STI tests, should I trust that, or would it be better to play it safe?

Is this person a virgin? I don't know. They say pretty new to sex, so I imagine... Sounds like they are entirely new to sex. Damn, it feels like a condom would complicate sex. That's a wild thing to say, unless you've never had sex. Also, if you're sleeping with someone who is poly who has like a spider web of partners and they have any problem

with you being like hi i would like to use condoms uh going forward just you know i feel safer that way considering the amount of partners that are uh you know connected to our sexual life if at any point in time that person is like no how dare you yeah fucking run to the hills see there is that's the thing this is a perfect situation because they are either the absolute best person to bring this up with or they're the absolute worst person to have sex with because if you talk to them and they're like oh 100 i get it they're a responsible poly person and the responsible person, responsible sexual partner, they will be 100% fine and probably more fine than a lot of

people because due to the position, but you know, they're more experienced, they should be, right? If, as Dane says, they're not willing to, then you know they are the absolute worst person to sleep with. So it's a win-win because they're either going to be great or you know you shouldn't sleep with them now i like the idea that you have mentioned like trading sti tests and i know that is a fairly common thing with uh people heavily ingrained in the the poly community but with the amount of partners going around here the amount of tests you would need to do especially if you wanted to like every time a new partner was introduced or every time a partner had sex with another partner who had a sex with another partner like the amount

of fucking paperwork you're dealing with and the time like you're talking about complicating sex you'd have to go and get fucking tested wait for the results and then be like all right no one can have sex with anyone else until all of us get our tests and then we can all have sex together collaboratively until someone has sex with somebody else. At which point we start the whole process over again. I was like, you want to you want to complicate matters. You want to make things feel unnatural. That's the way to do it. Now, I will say, does that mean don't do that?

No, it means if you get your STI test from the person that you want to sleep with, it's not bulletproof. Yeah. Right. It's great. You know what I mean? It's wonderful that they were clean at whatever point. Clean is a bad term because it implies you're dirty if you have something.

I don't like that. But you know what I mean? It implies they were good when it happened, but could might not be good now. It's a good first step but you still have to practice safe sex so i wouldn't forego condoms for example no i wouldn't be like oh you have that test great no condoms like it's all you should do all of it yes 100 yeah like i said if if someone who has multiple sexual partners starts freaking out that you're asking to use condoms yeah and look i

understand in your mind especially if you haven't had a whole lot of sex especially if you've had a whole lot of sex with condoms you're probably it's very easy to have sex without condoms you know you roll over or someone climbs on top or someone bends over and you're fucking bingo bango you know whatever it's also easy to trust the person that you're looking at who one you find attractive and two clearly has more experience and be like oh they must be in the right but if they start giving you this like no we don't need condoms bullshit they're not in the right my point is is adding a condom into the mix does not really slow things down unless you have trouble putting the condom on or there's like an actual,

you know, malfunction with the condom. It breaks, it snaps, whatever. Just get another one. Just get another one. And if it,

you know, if, if it takes a little bit of time and you need a little re-upping or a little more attention for a blow job or a hand job or something to get you back in position to put a condom on, that's fine. Do that. It's like none of these things matter until you make them matter.

So condoms really don't change a single thing about sex. So if you've got the foresight while you're getting a blow job, I mean, this is your lady here, so whatever. But just have them have the condom ready to go. And once they feel adequately taken care of, the condom's open, ready to go, they pop it on, boom, you're having sex. It takes five seconds. Yeah, yeah.

So I wouldn't worry about that. And again, you're literally about to sleep with the person who should be best at handling this situation, so you will be totally fine. And if they are not willing, as Dane said, do not sleep with them. This is by Throray Expert. My 23-year-old male friends with benefits, 33-year-old female sat on me when I wasn't wearing a condom without my permission. I did not allow her to do this. It's our fourth time having sex. We met off a dating app like two

months and I've been dating slash having sex regularly we're having sex in the car and i literally had the condom ready in my hand i thought she was grinding on me at first but then she just totally sat on it and started writing i feel like this is very bad because i never gave her permission to do that and i had the condom in my hand i don't understand why she couldn't wait 10 more seconds for me to put it on i was visibly distressed was trying to push her away a bit but it was difficult i'm not very strong and the position slash side of the car made it difficult and she was visibly distressed, was trying to push her away a bit, but it was difficult. I'm not very strong, and the position slash side of the car made it difficult, and she was like, just wait a minute. It really feels good.

I never came on her, but now I'm worried about the chance she might be pregnant, even though it's a low chance. I wonder how I should deal with this or what I should say to her. I mean, this is pretty much the equivalent of stealthing someone. Yeah, literally. This is sexual assault,

crime in most places. You need to have a very, very frank conversation with her and be like, hey, that was unacceptable. What you did was wrong. And I do not want that to ever happen again. If you even want to see this person again. Yeah. Does it say how old they are?

23. He's 23. She's 33. Jesus. Okay. She should know better. Oh, 100%. And this strikes me as, I mean, this is a, this is a power dynamic that we, we don't really get talked about too much in terms of older women and younger guys. Um, but this is a great example of, um, how age as a power dynamic can be used because i promise you she was thinking young

guys don't want to wear condoms i can take this this is fine he'll be okay with it i can almost guarantee you that is her thought process or at the very least if she was more experienced she was just like he'll listen to me or like i have the power here you know what i mean yes and that fucking sucks it It is like, this would be a disgusting thing. And we would, we would be coming at this person real hard. Again,

if it was a 33 year old to, Oh my God. Three, three year old man. Yeah. Pinned a 23 year old down and entered inside of her without a condom. It was like, no,

hold on. You're struggling trying to push me off. Just wait a bit. It feels good. Like it feels good. And it's funny because even though I know we would get angrier it's still hard to get as angry and it's fucked that society does that but that is fucked if you're anybody listening to this it's not okay it doesn't matter if you're a guy girl anything inside or outside of that you need to have express consent and communication, preferably not in the middle of sex,

as to what you're going to do with regards to protection and everything that revolves around that. And just shoving it in, not good on either side of the table. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. You know what? I'm revising my statement. I don't think you should see this person again. No, not at all. Originally, I was like, no, you need to have a conversation, blah conversation blah blah but that was when i like i thought they were both kind of young

and you know the hormones and the the excitement you know what i mean but there was this slightly more leeway and like maybe yeah you know inexperience could cover some of it which again not an excuse but yeah but you know the nuance of what we do and what we talk about is there is no black and white. I think here there is. I think there is a very clear disregard for your safety and your consent with this person. I think she made a choice that removed your consent from the equation. And I think that is an unforgivable thing to do to someone. I think you need to tell her, be like, hey, what you did was unacceptable

and terrible and I do not feel safe with you and I don't want to sleep with someone who is going to be that cavalier about my consent and my comfort and my safety. So, no thanks. I had someone do this to me.

I never saw them again. Yeah, it's fucked. it's a terrible thing to do to someone and I cannot stress enough it is one of the things I mean other than like the the absolutely heinous stuff that I probably don't need to talk about I think this is one of the worst things you could do

to a sexual partner I think it makes you feel so powerless the disrespect the lying the lack of safety, everything. It's fucked. And just be better. 100%. And the person in question also lied about that she was on birth control, which was oof.

Not this person, but the person with me. That was fucked. Let's do some tenders. Let's switch over to profile time. Okay. All right. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, look through profiles, see what works, see what doesn't work, in an effort

to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Now, Dane, have you ever used the app Field? Yes. Cool. Well, we got a Field profile here. Okay, cool. It's going to be from Agent Fuchsia. Cool. Well, we got a field profile here. Okay, cool. It's going to be from Agent Fuchsia. Okay.

Loving an adventurous couple looking to have some fun with other cool couples. Sparkle emoji. Together for 10 years, married for three, with a fur baby. Dog emoji. New to this, but excited for foodie hops, conversations, and a little mischief. Wink. We only play together, got all of our shots. Say hi if

we match we like fun dates new friends and extra spice if the vibes are right okay yeah i i like that i think i would like a little bit more was there like a he's into this she's into that there wasn't right no there's like a desires and an interest later down like further down but they're not specific so that's the only thing i would i would like in this profile uh whenever there's a couple profile i think it's a really cute touch sorry hold on i at the top there is woman bisexual man bisexual couple no not not so much that i i mean like i want to know a little bit more personality wise and not just sexually and i know field is is kind of very very tailored towards uh couples and and threesomes and that kind of stuff um but i would like i like

she's into you know classic disney movies knitting and blah blah blah he's into this this this this this i would like to just like get a glimpse of personality um there's there's a there's a lot of there's a lot of tangible personality in terms of like you guys as a couple yeah but i would like a little bit about you guys as people individually yeah that's the thing i think it's a really good profile in that like they cover their bases like giving enough like factual information about themselves enough like foodie hops conversation a little mischief like it's you know, you know, it's cute. It seems energetic and, like, playful and happy. We only play together.

Got all our shots. Great. That's more, like, factual information. It's all really good. I think you're right. That's the only real thing that it's missing is a little personal information about each member of the couple. And sure, Field isn't exactly for that, but it's definitely not gonna hurt no one's gonna be like damn i know more about this person like them more don't want to fuck them now quite the opposite

yeah that's the only thing i would add to that i i think you've got a great profile and i hope you guys have uh lots of fun you find lots of lots of cuties play the field that's an eight an eight for me yeah i'll give you eight. I'm currently desperately swiping through Tinder trying to find... Yeah, yeah, just go. There's been a few I've been waiting to do, and then we just keep not doing them. All right, well, now's our time to do it. Nope, too late. The back of my chair is so gross.

I'm like sitting on the edge of my chair because I can't be anywhere near it. This is unnamed. Ex-underwear model for the JCPenney Christmas catalog. Christmas tree emoji. 2 billion powerball jackpot loser. Money emoji. Not afraid to make my own doctor appointments. Stethoscope emoji. Currently accepting girlfriend

applications. It's an unpaid position, but the workplace culture is phenomenal. Quarterly pizza parties for good performance included. 6-1. You know, I, for a dude's profile, my, my bar is so low.

This, this was okay. It's funny. You've got some humor in there. There's nothing overtly sexual or toxic or misogynistic. I think it's a good profile. It's funny. I would like a little more like information about your hobbies and interests,

but at the same time, I think this is a completely serviceable. I'm going to give this a seven. I would like a little more like information about your hobbies and interests. But at the same time, I think this is a completely serviceable. I'm going to give this a seven. I'm going to give it a nine. Okay. It's very funny. As you said, there's not that ounce of toxicity in it. I think the only thing it needs is literally just a tiny bit more about them. Yeah.

But also they're an ex-underwear model. It's pretty hot. You go, dude. Good job. I like to brag on my social media profile that I was 2004's Times Person of the Year. I think it was 2004. There was a year where Times Person of the Year was you. Oh, true.

So, hey, I ain't wrong. I ain't wrong. You mean it was me. The magazine was a reflective cover. Okay. Are you ready for Andrew? Yep. He's 24.

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people. Okay. I mean, it's kind of funny, but it's also counterintuitive to be on a dating app and be like, I don't want to meet new people. But like, it is it is funny. I enjoy that my expectations shifted rapidly during the progress of that sentence. I was like, oh, this is this is the opposite of our last guy. I would I want you to follow up with you. Like, this is this is a funny opener.

This is a funny joke. But if this is like a funny joke but if this is all you're giving me i got nothing to go on yeah i'll give it like a seven for funny joke but like you made this a good point where it's like your point of being on there is to meet new people so yeah i don't want you killing yourself the second i arrive the worst first date it's like hey oh god um i'm gonna give it a five because it's a good joke it's more than a five it's at least a six and no see i'm oh here's the reason why because i think it completely depends on the picture yeah yeah i know i i'm just so poisoned by so much trash that like that you really don't need much to get over a 5 from me.

It's just sad. Alright, this is... Even just a quick introvert, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just anything at the end there. This is also nameless. Standing in tall, a 5'1", with a solid 9 years in training as a MILF,

with one daughter two dogs and one cat Monday to Friday I'm changing lives and children with autism one session at a time through behavior modification just your typical blonde hair and blue-eyed woman oh if Hitler would swipe right you should too oh what I was gonna say this is a great it was like a quite kind of a sweet profile. And then what? And then there's a smiley face because that saves it. What? Like, is it, is it a blonde, blonde hair, blue eye joke?

It's not a good one. If so, the only, like the only other way I could see is like her just straight up being like looking for Nazis. Yeah. I like, if that's the only thing she could think of when she thinks of blonde hair and blue eyes not great there's a lot of things hitler would do that you should not in fact i'm also worried that this is a like a classic a classic case of not knowing your left and rights oh well i i think i honestly i think it is just a aryan joke like ha ha ha like

blonde hair blue blue eyes. I don't know. It's bad. It's bad. There's nothing about this is good. When mentioning Hitler, one should be, actually, yeah, like, very, very careful. And I think a dating profile is never that place to do it. Especially in a way where I can't tell, do you support Hitler or not?

Do you like Hitler? That's a bad place to be. If I'm like, does she like Hitler? That's a zero. At best. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I'm not a zero at best yeah that's the thing it's like i'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt and be like hey just i just want to clarify some information on your profile uh it does say that you want hitler to swipe right on you

where do you stand on hitler yeah like that if there's any doubt as to where you stand on hitler you're not the person for me or yeah most people in the world and you fucking suck probably yeah yeah there's a gray area where you're just really bad at jokes but guess what i don't love that either especially yeah like i don't want to be out at an event with my friends and you think that now's the time to drop a real cool hitler joke not even a joke just being like hey you guys want to make like hitler and go to the art gallery and everyone's like what it's like he was an artist it's like what i know i don't like hitler okay why do you keep referring to things using hitler as the what? Why is Hitler your metric for appreciating things?

Like, no. Just no. Yeah, it's bad. That's a bad one. This is Emma. Morning person. Woman of leisure. Gym mommy. Sexy baby. High slash low girly. I like good wine and shitty beer. Let's go on dates and talk about our feelings.

What does high slash low girly mean? There's a lot here that I don our feelings. What does high slash low girly mean? There's a lot here that I don't know. Also, sexy baby I don't love. Like gym mommy, sexy baby? What? I feel like you can't be baby and mommy. She's mommy in the gym, baby in the sheets. Also not okay. Yeah, I don't like baby. I don't know if they're like sexy babe or like sexy baby like or are they saying that they have like a baby like personality thing like oh yeah hello hello i'm back from the gym i hate you saying that while you're not wearing a shirt so much stop it no um yeah also what does high low girly mean i don't even know if i should repeat it because i worry that it has some you know yeah like yeah i don't know like there's a lot of things in here

where i'm just like i'm not sure if these are signaling things that i don't understand or lifestyles that i'm not aware of uh let's just type in high low girly into google and nothing came up so that's bad if you're doing something that even Google doesn't know. Yes. So I'm not sure what any of that is, but I don't like it. I'm scared. I'm going to give it a two. Yeah, I'm going to give it a three.

I'm a little scared. But hey, maybe I'm just not the target audience for this because obviously I don't understand what half of it means. This is blank 22 tinder profile we are a lesbian couple looking to find a guy who will be our sperm donor you do not need to keep in contact with us just do your part and leave haha we are happy to buy you a pack of beer okay i mean do they want you to have sex with them do you want do they want you to because like

okay because i was gonna say like i don't think it's not quite as easy as just having someone give you their sperm like i think there is a bit of a process in which you need to to go through in order to for that to to lead to any sort of success but sure i mean this is no this is bad this is not good if you want to be a sperm donor, there are ways to do that. If you want to do it safely, and I'm talking in a number of ways, especially legally, because like you're still on the hook for this child. If the person decides they can't just be like, oh, yeah, on the profile, it says I'm good. It's like, well, no, they're now like suing you for like fucking child like alimony or whatever. Yeah, you definitely need like a lawyer. And like the amount of work you would have to do is not equal to a case of beer yeah especially because like presumably

if you're on the one side you just want to fuck and it's like do you though do you want to fuck someone who's not going to be into it who wants a baby out of you who could bring you to court who's just going to give you a bit of beer that's that's undervaluing your dick services thank you very much and like i don't know like maybe for me specifically it's like i'm not going to get aroused if i'm not like vibing right so the idea is like if you're going in and that would be the worst yeah and it's like i'm probably not going to finish either no it's like it's like i assume there'd be no foreplay. And if you're having sex without oral, I don't want to be involved. You're probably not going to want me to go down

on you. You're not going to go down on me. It's going to be so... Your wife's going to be in the room, unhappy. I might be okay with that. It's just going to be terrible. No. It's going to be a two. That's not the place for this.

I'm going to make it a two as well. Thank you very much for listening, friends. I'm going to die from heat, so we're going to end it here. I literally cannot touch anything because it's so sticky and sweaty in here. Thank you very much for listening.

Once again, live shows are back. We're going. Our first one is Sunday, August the 6th at 7pm at Black Sheep in Toronto. The show is free, but make your reservations. You can go to fbuddiespodcast.com, click the live show. There is a thing there

where you can click and make a reservation. It's all very easy. It's all very quick. We would love to see you. Bring your friends, bring your appetite, bring your insatiable thirst and drink, eat and laugh with us. We would love to see you.

Yeah, it's going to be a blast. So please come by, hang out with us. We love you. You got some. Oh, you got, you got,

who are you going to thank? You got to thank someone. Oh, thank you. Josh Eagle and the Harvard cities for the song paper stars. Also, we have a patron. So go join us on that

And help support us Also found at our website fbuddiespodcast.com Yes Alright this is a good old Toronto Local apartment rental ad Good I love these These are great No it's not going to make you want to die

Don't worry It's a posting for $600 a month Oh with an affordable rate like that I'm sure there's going to be you want to die uh don't worry don't worry it's it's a posting for 600 a month oh with a with an affordable rate like that i'm sure there's going to be no caveats uh-huh locally furnished townhouse basement for rent then there's the address which i will leave out available date july 1st damn we missed it four beds available on sharing basis we are looking for four student girls please note this is on sharing basis, no private room. Fully furnished include bed, mattress, pillow, microwave, refrigerator, electric stove, and laundry. Lease information, rent, 600 per person, including all utilities.

Short-term lease mandatory, six months. First month rent and security deposit in advance. No alcohol, no pets, no parking. Close to TTC, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it is a single bed that they are offering for people to share. Interesting. I thought they were saying there were four beds. No, two beds, four girls, one room. But don't worry, they have to be students. Have to be students, can't have alcohol, can't have pets. No. And each so 2400 a month yeah for one room for one room two beds

hey at least i thought they were saying we have we have four beds and you have to share those beds with us i thought that i thought there was like already four people in there well and they were looking for a woman a young student to fill each bed for the low cost of $600. I'm sure the person who won't let anyone but young student girls live in their basement has no designs on that. Also, the beds are plastic, which is weird. Christ.

That's the economy for ya. Isn't life great? Yeah, we freeze framed there. You couldn't see it because we're on video, but we did do a freeze frame for you. We jumped up in the air and we froze there. You couldn't see it because we're on video, but we did do a freeze frame for you. We jumped up in the air and we froze there. My name is Dane Miller. My name is Niles Payne. And we've been your fuck buddies. It's so hot.

It's so hot. It's so hot.