F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 249 - Adventures with the Hatman

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Plug your nose, y'all!  This may be our stinkiest episode ever.  Topics include stinky feminists, when finishes too fast, vaginal gag reflex, penial gag reflex, jealous of your sexy dreams, the sneaky hand finish.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I'm Niles Payne And we're your fuck buddies. We're also professionals.

Yeah, I need to take off my belt so it doesn't make noise. We're a dating sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either online or from our incredible listeners, of which you are now officially one, if you weren't already before. And we ask them right here, right now, in in your ears sometimes on stage every month on patreon for you on the topics of sex and dating um so first and foremost sorry that we announced our live show and it was already sold out by the time the episode went live that was unintentional we didn't expect that but it happened honestly yeah it's your fault it's your fault we would love to get more seats in the venue as soon as we know if that is possible or it happens we will once again let you know uh we'll be doing it most like the the best way to do it is to not wait for an episode to come out.

So if you don't follow us either on Twitter or Instagram, Instagram, I think is probably the best way to get like immediate updates. It's FCK Buddies podcast. The second we get more seats available, we will put up a thing on either Twitter or Instagram to alert you. Because, like I said, we announced the live show. We didn't even really get to announce it. Like, I was waiting for the episode to come out to kind of do a push. And it was sold out before that. You guys are wild.

You literally sold out our show in a day. Like a month in advance. Yeah. So, oops. But thanks. Oops, thanks thanks like i said i we're gonna try to get more seats but the venue isn't that big so like it's kind of tough to squeeze more people than we already have in there we'll do what we can and you'll be the first to know if you follow us on social media and if not oops thanks oops uh we've spent the day doing all sorts of professional things such as a photo shoot

which will grace your screens soon enough presumably just lots of professional boy things from these just one thing just one single professional we talked about live shows and fan expo which hey wink maybe we'll be there. Wink. Wink. Oops, not sorry. Oops. Ready for a question? Yeah. This is by Litching Grain. Girl with BO and low stamina? Mixed with a girl I don't particularly like, but she's attractive enough and also isn't in for anything serious.

After a few dates, she comes over, we sit on the couch, we jump under a blanket, and I smell something off. I think my sweater smells like cheese or something, so I take it off off and I come back to the couch, but the smell's still there. I start sneakily smelling the blanket to check if it's the blanket, and she takes her sweater off and I'm dying. I'm so grateful we're at opposite ends of the couch, but she put her sweater beside me on the table. Anyways, night ends and she goes home without issue or mention. I open up a window to clear out the nasty smell. Now I know this will get me butchered on Reddit, but it's a burner account, so here I go. She's a feminist. Didn't bother me

one bit. I tell my friends, bro, she's a feminist. What do you expect? I give her benefit of the doubt that maybe her deodorant faded by the time we met. She comes over again and we're going at it and I see Harry Bush pits and that BO. I want to gag, but don't want to upset her. I keep going at it while she's on top. She gets tired after three minutes of me putting in work and her just Why does that have to be the reason? Yep. why does that have to be the reason yep look there's a lot of weird equivalencies that you're making here my dude um one i would say i would wager 99.99 of the women that i have slept with are feminists i don't think there's one i've slept with who isn't i'm i'm i always i don't want to say i don't work in absolutes you know what i mean so i'm always i know but i'm just i'm doubling

down on your 99 you know like it's high is what i'm saying yeah you know so like there might have been someone who had or has since after the pandemic gotten that you know that weird twisted idea that like pandemic thing where you're like hey fuck nice things and good good brain thoughts yeah um so like and again i don't think i've ever really come across a stinky lady or at least you know i've there might have been some times where like in the morning we're not fresh because we just slept so you know maybe a little a little like casual whatever but like what i'm saying is being a feminist does not equate to stinkiness that is not a it's not a thing that happens also unshaven armpits and or bush also

doesn't equate to stinkiness no toss those ideas to the sun no i do think that there is a little bit of merit of being like if you're going to be entirely unshaven there is an extra care of hygiene you have to because you know but like minimal amounts more you know what i mean like to the point where it's negligible where like if you're not cleaning you're not cleaning and like bush or otherwise the issue will remain. Correct. So this seems to be more of an individual issue than it is a societal feminist or stinky issue. On top of that, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. That's fine. You don't have to keep sleeping with this person. And to the final question, you also don't need to give them a reason why you don't have to let them know that you're not sleeping with them anymore because they smell bad gross you know quotation marks yeah

that's the thing it's like look you don't like this person so this was already off to a bad start if you don't want to sleep with them anymore or see them anymore like i would love to know why you want to tell them they're gross i very much doubt it's for their sake because you don't seem like the kindest person in this question so it feels more like punitive and it's like if you're just going to be mean to someone like maybe don't yeah you could just end things and not give a reason or i'm not even going to try to give you reasons to like talk to her or get this problem solved because you already state you don't like them and you seem to have shitty views so i think it's best for both of you if this just ends yes that's that's how i feel like you don't like them and you seem to have shitty views. So I think it's best for both of you if this just ends.

Yes, that's that's how I feel like you're not into them. And now you're further not into them because you're unattracted to them. So why would you want to? And you don't need to be like you don't need to give a reason. You just be like, hey, I'm not vibing anymore. Hey, I'm not into it anymore. Or, you know, I think it's better if we don't see each other anymore. That's all you need to give.

There's no reason for you to have to solve this problem for her because to solve this problem or help this problem would probably involve tact and care. And they seem to be lacking. Yeah. So just fuck it. Move on. This is from Elias 3663. Is there an actual question mark or? No, it's just a weird way of spelling it.

New girl comes too fast. So I met this girl I really want a relationship with. And yesterday we had sex for the first time with each other. After giving her head, I began thrusting for no more than three minutes. She was moaning heavily and then said, I'm done. I can't go any longer. Asking her if I hurt her or she doesn't feel right. She then told me that everything was good.

I shouldn't think about it too much. Of course I did. So I asked her amidst cuddling that what she meant with I'm done slash I can't go on any longer. And she said that she comes quickly. Also, she doesn't want to continue after she came. Now, my question is, is it possible to come this fast for a woman or is she hiding something from me? I've always had women having trouble to come with me. So it's hard for me to believe. Yeah, for sure. It definitely is.

Yep. I slept with people who have come almost immediately. Yeah. It's like women are similar to men in times where like people, one, some people can just be very, very sensitive. Other people can be so hot and heavy and hyped up and like ready that like, you know, like I remember i had like kind of a long distancey thing with someone and when we finally got together it was great because i probably wasn't gonna last too long either but they were like instant almost it was wonderful so yeah it could totally happen 100 positive i don't know why guys freak the fuck out when women come like it's it's such a common problem where dudes are just like they spiral

the second the second real there's a lie it's it's some kind of trap and it's like look i understand that you know we're a little concerned about you know the faking orgasm and all that kind of stuff but like if someone says they come believe them yeah now i do think there is a a larger problem of being like if she finishes and then you're left sort of like in the lurch not a great sexual relationship you know i feel like we say that about men all the time as well right and you've done if you're a good partner sex ain't done right yeah yeah as as we say all the time like unless everyone has given their their hardest attempt to make each other finish if if one partner is left unsatisfied then it's's a bad job. Yeah, for sure. So, you know, maybe it was just the first time and maybe next time things will be better. Like either she'll

take longer to come or, you know, she'll be down to help you out afterwards. But if it is an issue that can persist, obviously that's not going to be fun for you. If it's just like a few thrusts, I'm done. We got to stop. I won't help you out. So I think that's an issue to be brought up when it arises. But like, first time, whatever. Maybe she was just taken by surprise. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now. But trust her when she says what she's saying. And, you know, approach the problem if it becomes a problem.

This is by Introvert Trash X. My boyfriend, 22, and I, 22-year-old female, often fool around whenever we meet. Just a few weeks ago, it was, supposedly, his first time to try eating down there. We're both very much virgins, so this type of stuff is new to us. He ended up gagging at the smell and said he couldn't stand it before we continued after a short break for him to get back his bearings. It didn't bother me much at the time, but every time he brings it up whenever we talk, as a joke, I cringe and feel so ashamed of myself. After that incident, I feel so embarrassed that I refuse to let him go near it, even after he kept insisting he wants to try again. He said he might have been put off by the

texture of the hair there as well, which added to his disgust. I'm honestly not sure if it's normal for men to gag at the smell of a wet vag, or if it's my V that's the problem, like infection, which is causing the smell. I search up the smell of a normal V to check if mine's okay, but it keeps saying musky, which I don't understand because I don't know what musky smells like. I personally think it's an infection I'm not aware of, even if it feels fine, nothing irritating, but don't know how to check.

I would opt for a doctor, but don't know how to bring it up to my parents. Anyway, any advice for both me and my boyfriend would be welcome since we're kind of lost at this type of thing. Man, you got a whole lot of stinky questions today. Yeah, not on purpose. They just, I don't know.

Seems like it is on purpose. Well, maybe I'm trying to tell you something. Yeah, I've got a very stinky vagina. We also, we turned on the video. We also turned on the smell. Yeah. There's a powerful closet waft coming through my laptop. Yeah, there's no way this is a good olfactory experience.

Okay. It could be a situation in which maybe there is a hygiene issue on your end. Neither of you really have a benchmark to, I mean, I guess I don't know how often you're smelling your own vagina, but he also has nothing to compare it to, presumably if he's never gone down on a woman before so it's hard to say that you smell bad and just he's not smelling what he thought it should smell like or you know is you know some people are are adverse to that smell and that's fine you're gonna have to figure out a solution for it it could be an actual case of hygiene it could be as you're saying maybe there

is an infection of some sort. I highly doubt that you would be unaware. Like, UTIs, you know. There's no way you have a sneaky UTI. You know and you suffer. Same thing with a yeast infection. There's no way you have a yeast infection and you're just like, I don't know.

Normally, discharge is like that. So, I have, I hold reservations that there is something perhaps medically wrong and it could be a hygiene thing or a pH balancing. I understand that you're nervous about talking to your parents about this. So perhaps try to find a walk in clinic and specifically one that might deal with, you know, sexual health if those are available in the area that you're in. And just do a walk-in, drop in after school or whenever. I don't know what your situation is, but find an afternoon or an evening in which you can pop in

and you don't need to make an appointment. You have to talk to your parents. You can just kind of go in and get it looked at and just express your concerns and express your, the situation. And they'll be able to certainly either put you through some tests or just kind of like give you a poke around and, and see if, if there's anything, uh, at worst case, just say that you would like to go to a gynecologist. How does it say how old they are?

22, which is definitely around the time you should be going to see a gynecologist. And like smears that's firmly in the time you should be going to see a gynecologist. And like, I have smears that's firmly in the time you should start getting them. And if you're nervous about, you know, being like, hey, I'm sexually active and I want to just be like, hey, so make up a friend. It'd be like a friend of mine went to go see a gynecologist and there was something wrong and I'm a little paranoid. Do you mind if we make an appointment for myself so that we can, you know,'m a little anxious and i would rather know you know clear my brain be like hey i read online that women between 21 and 29 should get a pap smear every three years because that's a thing so there you go like your parents unless they're negligent will be like yeah okay cool like that is

a very normal thing further to that point if you're nervous about your parents being involved in you seeing a doctor, I'm assuming you live at home and that you have somewhat strict parents, which means I'm assuming conditions were probably not perfect for you guys to go down on each other, which then leads to the fact that if you guys didn't plan this, you may not have just had a shower. For example, you guys might've been out, you might've been sweating, you might've been whatever. So it's like maybe conditions weren't optimal, which that's not a you issue. It's not even necessarily a problem, but maybe next time you do it, just try to have a shower previous to when this happened. You know what I mean? You'll be at your freshest. Second point, I've gone down on people who have more hair down there and had an errant hair get

caught in the back of my throat and like almost gag that can happen you know what i mean and it's not a measure of disgust or anything it's just an accident and a gag reflex so like well it seems pretty specific to say that like he's it sounds like he actually has said it was because of the smell well he said later on oh it might have been because of the hair but is it like the very beginning of the question? Wasn't it because of the smell? Well, so, yeah, it mentions the gagging at the smell. But then later on, he said he might have been it might have been the hair there as well.

Yeah. So like he said both. So I don't know if maybe he's like trying to cover or whatever. But again, that could be it. There's so many things here, but they should be easily fixable and those things are one if he's making jokes that you don't appreciate talk to him that's not cool yeah and maybe he's trying to make you feel better about it because i know it's a very irish thing to mock people for things that upset them to normalize it and like i don't know if that's what he's trying

to do or if he's a dick or if he feels insecure. So if he makes you the butt of the joke then he's absolved. I don't know what it is, but either way, you should be able to communicate. I'm not saying they're Irish. I'm saying it is an Irish thing, so it doesn't make, you know, I know that is one way of dealing with things. I was like, wait, what? Yeah, I'm just saying

people can do that. But there could be many reasons. Either way, if it's upsetting you, it's obviously not helping the fucking situation. So talk to him and be like, hey, I really don't like when you make these jokes. I feel very insecure about it. Right. That's that's a pretty good step one. Step two, if he's willing to try again, you should try again, because if you don't, what do you do?

Just never have him go down on you. Never go down on each other. Like, that's not a great way to start your sexual career. Do as much as you can next time. Shower right before you guys do it. And again, don't do a goop style shove bleach up there or something. Research how to wash yourself appropriately. And don't worry about the fact that there will be a musky smell or any kind of smell because if you went down the vagina and it didn't smell or taste like anything, that would suck it's gonna have a smell and a taste don't worry about it you just have to make sure it's not a very bad smell or taste based on a lot of the reasons we talked about previously and i do want to reiterate that like just because he might not like it doesn't mean that there is a

problem like he might just have an adverse or have his because like you go about the you're talking about the hair but to me that doesn't sound like a oh maybe i choked on a hair it sounds like he is now telling her to shave in a roundabout way it's for sure yeah because he does mention like the texture you know i mean it doesn't sound like an excuse as to why it gagged i think he's being like hey you smell and you're you're not shaved and you know what i mean like it sounds like a lot of excuses of to either a not help or not do it anymore or b uh is trying to sort of control her into into shaving and doing different things that's possible it could be your boyfriend either actively sucks or has been taught a bunch of shit from like toxic assholes like you know the guy from

the last question obviously has some toxic views he didn't pick him up off the floor maybe this guy follows fucking andrew tate and there's some bullshit about like oh neg your woman and make sure she shaves i don't know but i'm just saying i have gagged before when the hair went and got caught in the back of my throat so it's possible either way communicate go see a doctor because you should be seeing one anyway and try to try to be a little bit more clean the next time if there's a possibility that that was a contributing factor also you're fucking 22 make your own doctor's appointment yes that's the thought now you are an adult you should be able to do this and this is coming from someone who i don't want to ever make an appointment for anything ever and i don't ever want to call someone to make an

appointment or anything ever but when it comes to my health and when it comes to especially my sexual health i'm kicking down doors to be like look at my dick what's wrong with it nothing okay i'm not even they're not even medical professionals. They're not doctors. They're just there. Yeah. They were hiding behind the doors and dangerous. Oof. No door could stop me from showing my dick to people.

Yeah. The weird thing is, it's kind of a really bad cycle because he uses his dick to break down the door. So by the time he's through, it's not looking great. It's not great. So even the stranger's like, dude, you gotta get checked. It looks like you just smashed your dick against the door. It's swollen, and not in a good way.

And then he has to go through another door for a second opinion. Terrible. My penis is so sore. So sore. This is from the baddest switch, baddest twitch, baddest witch, something. 43-year-old female, 23-year-old male. I have never given my boyfriend head. I know this sounds bad.

I love my boyfriend, and I love pleasing him. We have an amazing sex life. You said 43 and 23? 23 and 23. Oh, you definitely said 43. Did I say 43? Maybe not. It might have been.

That's the percentage of my battery on my phone, so maybe I saw that and just let it take over. Yeah, 23-year-olds. percentage of my battery on my phone so maybe i saw that and just let it let it take over yeah 23 to 23 year olds uh we have an amazing sex life and we both have super high sex drives never fail to please each other he always makes sure i finish no matter what he'll give me head after he finishes until i do or will just randomly eat me out i love it i want to return the favor i want to make him feel good he's never even asked me for head but he deserves it so much of it here's the issue when i was in high school i had bulimia and i messed up with my gag reflex every time i am about to give him head or decide that i want to i let my nerves get the best i feel like i'm going to be so horrible at it and i will let him down i just want him to feel good is there a point of doing it if i

can't even deep throat i don't know what to do and i don't want him to feel unsatisfied he deserves a girl who can give him head. You do not need to deep throat to give good head. No, there we go. Nope. There we go. There are times where the opposite,

I've been with women who think that deep throating is like the only option. And as, as incredible as deep throating feels, it needs to, it's the same way of like with anything, right? Like changing up things and giving different sensations is actually like where it is i don't think i could come if i only got like a deep

throat blowjob probably not i'm trying to like describe it in a way that like makes sense and doesn't sound like i don't enjoy it but like there's less sensation when my dick is right down someone's throat and isn't going anywhere because there's no there's no friction there's no movement it's just kind of like in there and it's hot mentally yeah but the back of your throat is like the back of your throat all the parts that are like deft and skilled are at the front so it's like tongue lips like all that shit so it's like it's a really good part of a blowjob but it isn't a blow job yes right like by itself you know it's like a blow job has so many different moving parts that like if you

just get rid of it and like oh it's this one thing it would probably be a pretty bad blow job it'd be like a hand job if you just held it yeah exactly right do you need to do it no not at all can you give a good blow job without doing it fully your boyfriend might not even need it or want it. I mean, I'll turn it like even just like a, like a tongue and hand and you know, just the tip or like running your lips up and down the shaft of it. All of those things are going to feel fucking great.

And I, again, if someone, you have to have a conversation with your boyfriend for sure as well. And just be like, Hey, so here's the situation. I had an eating disorder when I was younger and I have a conversation with your boyfriend for sure as well. And just be like, Hey, so here's the situation. I had an eating disorder when I was younger.

And I have a, I assume the problem is that you have an extremely sensitive gag reflex. And like, you also don't have to out your disorder. If you don't want to, you can just be like, I have an extremely sensitive gag reflex. Yeah.

So I, I want to give you a blow job, but I'm not going to deep throw you. Is that cool? And he's going to be like, fuck. Yeah. Even just like letting them know that ahead of time so that they can work with you yeah and it's

not even like it's not even if something happens or anything like that just being like okay i can temper my expectations being like i know you're not gonna go deep i know that like perhaps you might not even like put my dick in your mouth if it's just going to be sort of exterior licking tongue lips around my like. Great. Okay, I know that. And I'm going to go into it knowing that. And I'm going to go into that not wanting to be like, can you suck on? You know what I mean?

Because if someone just does that, I would probably be like, hey, could you do this for me? And then if someone like wouldn't put my dick in their mouth, I would get confused. But if they front loaded this with an explanation great but i also think if something happens it's good to have that explanation out front rather than in the middle of it be like whoa because we just talked about people gagging during acts like this so it's like if all of a sudden it's like damn she saw my dick and just started like puking you know i think for you for everybody front load the expectations it'll make sure he doesn't shove it back there without warning which one he shouldn't do but you know what i mean and that he's expecting everything

that's going to happen that you feel comfortable it there's there's no downside and you don't even have to go into why if you don't feel comfortable yeah you could just be like it's sensitive boom don't try to do something that your body won't do and this is it goes for everything you know what i mean it's like if you have vaginismus and so like don't brute force it just being like oh my boyfriend deserves to fuck me so yeah i'm gonna put myself through extreme pain or trauma or any sort of thing like that because you feel you work with with what you have and if your partner cares about you and if your partner you know wants to work with you you'll find a way to do it right like if if for

whatever reason something doesn't work you either deal with it or be like i'm sorry that's i need some i i do require that in my relationship so this we might not be sexually compatible that sucks but at least you you know about it whereas if you're honest with someone about a restriction that you have hopefully if they're a good partner they'll be like great cool let's try this instead and we've given uh alternatives to not being able to you know for people with larger penises and smaller mouths like if you want to simulate a deep throat blowjob you put your hand to your lips and when you've taken it as far as you can continue down with your hand and back up to your lips and then come back up that will will simulate

a very similar sensation and it feels great regardless of whether you can deep throat or not so you're fine and the thing is it's like the amount of people out there that either can't or won't deep throat is pretty large anyway so like it's not as if like oh everyone's deep throwing but not everyone's doing the other stuff so i got you it's like you're fine you're overthinking this also if this guy hasn't had blow jobs in however long amount of time he's gonna be so hype with anything you're gonna be grand yeah so let them know your limitations and have fun. That's all there is to it. This is by a deleted user.

What do you think about my situation about dreams? My boyfriend, male 23, keeps saying I'm female 22, dreaming, sensually moaning, about somebody else. But I don't remember the following morning when he tells me who, I don't carry any deep emotional connections.

What can I do? Hey, everyone, I need opinions. It's a little personal. That was the title? That was the title. Jesus. There are some nights my boyfriend would say I was sensually moaning in my sleep, possibly about a coworker.

It's happened a couple times. We've been together for three years. Every time it happens, he'll ask me who I was dreaming about or what I was dreaming about last night, but can't remember i never can remember i know for a fact i don't want to be with anyone else in any form every time it catches me by surprise when he questions my dreams what really hurts is the way it really does bother him what can i do is it possible to just stop dreaming i love that that is the like definitely the best and most most rational response to this yeah can i just stop my brain can i just go into brain death every time i go to sleep no you can't

stop dreaming i mean i'm sure there might be ways to do it maybe maybe she can um well i do have a trick to lucid dream so i there's a very easy way to train your brain to be a lucid dreamer. And all you have to do is, and I know this works because I did it in college, is you ask yourself five times a day, am I dreaming? Out loud. You say it out loud. You say, am I dreaming? Five times a day. And you will become a lucid dreamer after a certain amount of time.

But what if you say yes to yourself and then you're like that's fair that's the whole point honestly i just i just get a lot a lot of bandedrilla and me and the hat man going on an adventure i actually just get sleepy chicken and me and the hat man go for a little bike ride through toronto it's so funny because like i had never heard of the hat man before until you mentioned it. I don't remember who, I think it was our friend.

I think it was our friend. Yeah. And now the hat man's everywhere. And that was everywhere. I see, I see posts about the hat man everywhere. I still haven't experienced the hat man. Thankfully.

Well, when I, so I had a weird allergic reaction thing a while ago and I was on two different strains of allergy meds that were both powerful in their own way I was convinced I was gonna get hat manned for sure and I didn't I'm not respecting him exactly yeah he only strikes isn't there that one one baseball player who keeps talking about the hat man yes Alex Rodriguez is it Alex Rodriguez I don't know I don't know if you guys don't know what we're talking about he'll come for you because it's only when you expect him that he doesn't yeah just take a quick

journey on google about the hat man what the fuck oh the dreamy we're both thinking about the same thing here Dane right are we are we talking about contacting our boy Leo and incepting and getting a dream within a dream obviously yes no I'm thinking this guy's making it up oh i think it's this is his way of saying i'm jealous but like he's super clever and he doesn't get in trouble for being jealous and he gets to like put the guilt on her and be like wait i heard you talk about this but like it's fake it's completely fake well he does say, he thinks it might be about a coworker. Yeah. Like, why? Because if you're moaning, if you're like, oh, Carlos from Home Depot. Like, yes, okay, obviously that's what you're dreaming about.

Or maybe Carlos is just making you a delicious dinner. That's right. Now, wait, do you work at Panera? If you're just moaning, then, like, it could be about anyone. Why is what makes you think it's a coworker other than yes, a presupposed jealousy, uh, that exists outside of this.

And he's trying to, trying to go to or gaslight you into being like, Oh, it could be Carlos. I do think he's hot. Like I, what's the, yeah,

I mean, it could be point. That could be honestly, I do think it is some kind of weird fabricated output for his jealousy that's almost like controlling and weird and maybe gives him more ammunition to be jealous of whatever. Maybe it's not, but it just seems weird. So here's what we do. Just say, hey, next time, just record me. I would love to.

This is so weird to me. I want to hear it. Yeah. If it happens so often, this should be easy, right? And then when you hear yourself do it you got to stop dreaming now alternatively here's here's my fix for this you pretend you're asleep you start moaning and then you say his name so problem solved you're having a sexy name the hat man the hat man yes um you say partner's name, and then it's like, oh, great, okay, she's thinking sexy thoughts about me. Or

this time you actually do say Carlos's name, and then the next morning if he's like, you actually did it! You'd be like, actually did what? Tyler was always doing it this whole time, and he's like, fuck, you got me. And then you look behind him, the hat man's standing there giving you the thumbs up. He's proud. He's proud of you. He takes off his hat.

It's me and Dane the whole time. We're the hat man. Written by M. Night. Yeah, there's no way. You can't control your dreams. It doesn't matter who you're dreaming about. I've had sexy dreams about people I would never hook up with.

I have no attraction to. I have no emotional feelings about. Like, I've had dreams. Like, it's so dumb to be upset about dreams dreams do mean shit so like it doesn't matter like i had a really hot dream i mean i guess i don't know what a hot it was a sexy dream like it was it was a sex dream about my like kindergarten teacher like a couple weeks ago because we were talking about old teachers and it's not that like i found it was just like you know in my brain the last couple hours before

i went to bed and i was a little drunk so like my subconscious was just like hey won't we have a sexy dream about this oh yeah like dreams like look at any other dream and it's like oh starts fighting a vampire in ikea and then there were spiders and everything flooded. And then my dad was angry at me. And then like, I was going to buy a dinosaur, but I woke up and it's like,

cool. You're not mad about that. You don't go, wait, that means something. But if it's like Carlos from home Depot rocking my world, all of a sudden that means something. Yeah.

Double standards, double standards. So, yeah, I mean, at the end of that means something? Yeah. Double standards. Double standards. So yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, yeah, just stop dreaming. This is grooving and moving. Do guys finish in their hand? I was hooking up with a guy friend of mine last week

or last night. It was pretty wild and fun. Really intense sex. We were doing doggy and when he pulled out, he turned away. Almost kind of immediately leaving the room. He came back and I and i said did you come he said he did in his hand and i was like huh guy's never done that before usually from behind they pull out quick and do it on my ass or my back i'm 27 and never had someone do it in their hand he said he was trying to be polite and nice by not putting it on me but i'm kind of questioning if he actually came or not um and if this was his way of faking.

He was in the bathroom for only a second and came back. We laid in bed and went for round two and he couldn't finish that time. Am I overthinking? Feels like you may be slightly overthinking, yes. If you guys haven't discussed it or if it's the first time you slept together or whatever, it might be bad of him to just unload on you without clarifying first. It may be that he's slept with people previously who are like, oh, great.

Now I'm fucking covered. You know what I mean? Like, there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe he is faking. If he is, why does it matter? That's the thing. It's like, I think this is actually kind of nice. Yeah, for sure.

Presumably you guys aren't using protection and maybe you caught him off guard with how good dog he is. Maybe you're just throwing that ass back in a way that he wasn't expecting. And you guys hadn't sort of had that conversation. It's like, I think there is kind of like a hot conversation you can have during sex prior to where do you want me to finish? Yes. You can have that conversation.

I think it's actually a kind of a hot conversation because if someone's like, Oh, I want you to come all over my face. I want to swallow it. I want you all right. Like, or just be like, I want you to finish up my stomach or like, you know, if you're wearing protection, if someone's like oh i want you to come all over my face i want to swallow it i want you all right like or just like i want you to finish up my stomach or like you know if you're wearing protection if someone says like finish inside me i want you to come inside me it's like all those

things are fucking hot so like it's a conversation you can have for sure but like if all of a sudden he's like oh shit you're gonna make me come and you guys haven't had that conversation yeah like now said it is kind of a wild move to just be like here it just like come all over you because as now also said i've been with partners who don't want come anywhere near them yeah or on them it's a nice thing that he did in either sense because if for some reason he wasn't going to come he's sparing your feelings right he's he's doing the his college best to make sure that you're not upset uh and if he did come and you didn't express where you wanted that come to land he was doing a nice thing

and not just coding you for no fucking reason so it's win-win right he's a nice guy yep and you know like now said if if he was faking it i'm sure there's a good reason for it yeah and that's fine and the thing is if he's sticking around for part two and he's like with you and all this stuff, obviously the reason he's not finishing isn't you. So like, that's the thing. Like, if you want to know if he faked it just so you can get upset, that sucks for you, for him, for everybody. It's like he could be tired. He could have an issue. It could be too hot.

Like maybe he jerked it earlier and didn't expect you to pop over at 2 a.m i don't know what happened but like sometimes people don't finish and like taking it to heart or like punishing them for it not great can i just i want to reiterate how difficult it is to come when it's hot the summer months are brutal for me because it's so fucking hot. And for me, if I'm warm, if I'm really hot, it's a struggle. I really need to get into the cum zone. I'm fine, but if I'm very, very hot and sweaty and I'm pounding away and I'm getting more sweaty and I can feel the bedsheets sticking to me. There's a point where if I have to keep going, it's just less fun.

Point of no return, point of diminishing returns where it's like I would rather stop and cool down and not be sticky than continue and try to reach that point because this sucks. That's more of it for me. It's just like, if, like, and it makes sense. If you are unpleasant, like, if the more you fucked, people start putting more grasshoppers on you or sand or something, like, you would get to a point where you're like, cool, coming is not worth more sand. I hate sand.

Exactly. It's everywhere. Yeah, that's why I always take the high ground. Now that's pod race. Terrible. If this is an issue that continues, then maybe you could talk and be like, again, I wouldn't be like, you're lying.

Am I not hot enough? Let me see your head. You'd be like, Hey, I kind of noticed that like you didn't finish the last two or three times. Like, is there something that you would like me to do? Or can I help?

And if he's like, no, you know what? It's just a thing. I am having a lot of fun then be like cool and trust him yeah and if you're okay with him coming all over your ass and back i don't know be like hey next time i want you to come wherever you know like give them the the locations that are green lit and are a go yeah just be like i want you to get me wetter than

dana nile recording in a closet. But with your costume. Impossible. Can't be done. At the end of the episode, we like to hop onto online dating. Peruse the platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge. See what works, see what doesn't work. And effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. See, the danger with our show is that all of our friends are getting taken.

So people are less on online dating and we have less profiles. So we need you to send us profiles. This is Megan. Do you have good banter? Are you an outdoor enthusiast and food connoisseur? Let's go on an adventure. Make some memories. I like it.

Yeah. It's one of those profiles that is very simple and could be you could argue that it is quite bland yeah but i think there is enough there that i know i have i have opportunities i can talk about uh a good outdoor thing that i like to do and i can talk about my favorite restaurants and i can like those are two opening moves and you know stuff about them and stuff about what you might do on a date. So it's an eight. It's a good eight for me.

I'm going to give it an eight as well. This is Megan. Just looking for someone to fuck me as hard as possible right in front of my cunt roommate until she gets uncomfortable and moves out. I don't know. If this is just a joke, I think it's very funny. If this is a real proposition, I'm uncomfortable, but still intrigued somehow. Yeah, you know what? It gives you an idea of their personality, and it sets things up to be sexy in a way. You know fucking's on the table.

If they mean it, however, I don't think that's cool because this roommate should consent to that display and if it's annoying her to the fact that she's leaving, she's probably not consenting to it. So I'm going to give it a four. I'm giving it a five based on which way, what side of the fence, like how accurate this is. Yeah, that's fair.

We've had a similar one to this before, but this is a hinge profile from Talia. The one thing I'd love to know about you is if your mom and I involuntarily switched bodies and the only way to switch us back was to have sex with one of us, who would you choose? Huh? Interesting. I mean, I would have to go with my mom and the other person's body i think i think so i don't think i could fuck my mom's body no sentence i didn't want to say today terrible i didn't need you to answer this i know but i think that's the only way to do it yeah because like if they don't talk or act or anything, you might be able to just completely ignore the situation and pretend it's not happening.

And hey, let me tell you, mom and random person that you switch bodies with, if this does happen, don't tell me. Oh, no, don't tell me at all. Don't tell me. Because it won't happen. You'll be stuck in that body forever. Yeah, then I will just be like, well, I came on my hand. I promise. Yeah. But I haven't gone back i'm gonna give it a a two because yeah i don't never want or funny or

it's like no i don't ever want to think about fucking my family yeah i don't understand why this is a move more than one person is doing yeah so yeah i'm gonna give it a two as well because it's not it's not as well because it's not it's not racist or problematic it's just it's just a good way to make sure i never get an erection about you because even because if i hook up with you i'm gonna be like hey you could be my mom and then my penis is gonna be like nope no thank you retraction time uh this is anna whoa hey this is carla so anna says you know what so remember was like, oh, at least they're not going to have fucking Instagram. Everyone still has their Instagram tags on here.

No one's they've done those. Those Tinder guidelines mean nothing. Get reporting. Yeah, this is Carla. It's been a while, but here I am. Sup? Sunglasses emoji. Love my shed monsters.

Two dog emoji. Adrenaline junkie. Now it doesn't look like she's riding a horse. It looks like a horselasses emoji. Love my shed monsters. Two dog emoji. Adrenaline junkie. Now it doesn't look like she's riding a horse. It looks like a horse riding emoji. Travel. Yogi. There's fucking emojis at the end of all this that are irrelevant. Travel. Yogi. Pilates. Beach bunny. Pool bum.

Fucking hate TikTok and annoying short loud videos on Instagram. Unless they're adorable pets. Duh. Let's go to a ball game and chill. If you're a White Sox fan, I expect the best seats and parking because you. I will say I don't see the appeal of the emojis. It kind of just makes you look like you're 10 years old. If you're just going to emoji everything. And it's like, I get what you mean when you say hiking that I don't need a little man

hiking to really hammer the point home. Yes. You saying you are your beach bunny and then doing a beach emoji. I'm not confused. I know what you mean. Well, wait, where's the bunny? It's true. Like now I am confused.

I like that they give a bunch of stuff and that they rag on the team. So if I was a sports person, I'd be like, yes, sports. It's like an eight. I think. I think so, too. I think this is a decent little profile. Good job, Carla. And then we have Anna.

Rainbow emoji. Sparkly emoji. Vaccinated. Finally, I can stop using condoms. Again, this is a funny profile if it is a joke. Yeah. Like, it's funny, but i do worry that you're very irresponsible with your sexual health it's tough because anyone like anyone here will be like oh it's obviously

joke they're obviously joking but i've done enough of these profiles that i don't know i don't i'm not i'm not sure sorry i don't i don't know so once again it's a five which and i could go either way if you think your vaccination saves you from not having to use condoms, it's a two. If it is a joke, I'm going to bump it up to like a seven because I think it's funny. I can give it a six because I'm definitely leaning more on it being a joke than not. But I still have fear. That's going to be us, I believe. That's it.

Thank you very much. Once again, we apologize if you want to come to our show and didn't know about it by the time it sold out. I'm sorry. On the plus side, we will be doing more. Once we figure out the next date of that show, we will try to get ahead of the curve and,

and let you guys know first fingers crossed. Yeah. Cause the social media promotion team this time around with this batch of shows have been killing it uh and they they got it out quick and hard and uh i think that was a wet big big reason why the show filled up so we will either a try to get more seats for this one or b let you know earlier or both both um yeah like we always sold out pretty soon in advance, but one day is just ridiculous. So thank you to everyone who did book.

Thank you for everyone who is going to book, and we're very excited for it. If you do want more of us in your lives and didn't manage to get to the show, we do have an extra episode every month on Patreon if you hit our middle tier. So if you ever want to go check it out, support us, please do. Patreon.com forward slash FBuddies.

Yeah. And if you have a question for us, head on over to FBuddiesPodcast.com. Click the contact form and write in your agent name. You can choose a name that we'll call you. We keep it completely anonymous. You can send us in whatever question you want, and we will do our best to answer it ASAP. Or Tinder profiles, Hinge profiles, good ones, bad ones, your ones, friends ones if you have consent, an asshole you met online, or someone was telling us about a really cool one they saw earlier. So we like the positive ones.

It's nice. I would rather show people what works or praise good ones than be like, don't do this because there's a long list of things not to do. And I think showing examples of what to do is a much easier way to be like, okay, well, I shouldn't say that. I think vaccination means I don't need to use condoms. It's like,

and then you just don't do that and you think you have a good profile. That's not how it works. Yeah. So I would like to look at good profiles. And thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. Ready for some bad sex writing here, Dan? Yes.

Tell me if I've done this one. I don't think I have, but it is a Twitter post from a man with a MAGA hat. I don't know what he's replying to, but he says, yes, but teachers are giving them tampons instead of pads and making that decision for them. We're going to have a whole generation of women that are worn out before they even give birth save something for marriage just one thing jesus christ i love so i saw a meme recently where it was like if you use uh men's like logic for sex and it was like men's penis before sex and it was like a big sausage and then it was like men's penis before sex. And it was like a big sausage. And then it was like men's penis after sex. And it's just like a really thin,

like little hot dog. Like gets weird. Now it's worn down. It's true. Just like a pencil. I love men that are so insecure that they think that tampon applicators are just going to stretch our women. It's like, my dude, do you understand how vaginas work? Do you know?

Evidently not. That babies come out? Dane, just save one thing for marriage. Just save one thing for marriage, please. Please. My name's Dane Miller. And I'm Miles Payne. And we've been your Funk Buddies.