F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 250 - Chokeslam Break-Up

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

I swear to God, if you ever destroy a sentimental gift, I will break up with you so hard that Jim Ross will call you and shout, "BAH GAWD!  He's busted that relationship in half!"  Topics include date night, but make it oppressive, a stealthy miscommunication, a persistent friend, how to find your groove, the literally severing of bonds.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our incredible listeners, of which you are now officially one. No getting away from that. And we answer them right here, right now on the topics of sex and dating. Where else do we also answer them, Dane? I don't know. Do you not remember the incredible live shows? Oh yes. Not that we were incredible,

although not that we weren't, but the audience were incredible and the location was incredible. And guess what? There is another one. It is sold out. So I should stop hyping it up. But next month. Well,

Hey, Hey, let's not, let's stop using the word sold out. You can, there's the reservations. We've added more tables, I believe. So there might be tables when this comes out. And also, there's standing room.

You know what? That's a good point. You could be the first person to not be scared of standing. Because I feel like some people have been like, oh, your last show was booked out. And we're like, you can stand. And they're like, and then they didn't. That could be you. You could be the one to break the fucking standing ice, which usually is a bad thing.

If you're standing on the ice, it's usually saving your life. But in this case, it's stopping you from having an incredible show. Yeah. So I like to pop in and come see the show anyway. Even if you don't have a reservation, we'll make room for you until we're at a legal capacity in which case we can't bring you in. But I think we will be okay. We'll put you on our laps up on the stage.

Yeah, we got two comfy seats right up on the stage. You just have to be promised to not make a single fucking noise. And don't you fucking wiggle. Well, you can wiggle a little bit on my lap. No, not mine. Where else, Dean dean where else can they hear more of us if they so desire patreon i guess yeah is that what you're talking about i was about

to say fuck buddies.com forward slash patreon but it is the opposite it's patreon.com forward slash patreon yeah um we get an extra episode every month and the whole back catalog of them and you know what it's time for questions it is time time for questions. Oh, we also have a TikTok. Go join us. I'm making deranged videos, but they're getting better. Niall is unhinged, and just he's deep in it. He's deep in the paint, kids. He's going all in.

I actually learned how to edit videos for the first time today, so there you go. I'm just going to hit you off with the one that's on the furthest right of my tabs. This is Miserable War 258. Girlfriend, 26-year-old female of two years will only see me, 26-year-old male, for dates or dinner, never to just spend time together. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years and things are going reasonably well, except this one thing. She will not come to my house or let me go to her house to watch a movie or TV show. She won't let us just cuddle or hang out or anything. There has to be a date or dinner first.

She's not so picky on what we do, but that part is important. She makes time for this once a week, usually on the weekends, and I usually plan all the activities. I feel like I'm not getting enough intimacy in the release ship because it's confined to narrow moments, usually once a week. What do you think I should do? When I brought this up, she says she's just old-fashioned and then just hanging out isn't something she does to add more information she's not seeing anyone else i'm sure of it we have sex and sleepover after dates and the dates don't have to be expensive or anything they can be going for a hike it just has to be something okay i mean it's that's annoying to me oh my god i don't love that but i can understand you know if someone is is in the mindset of being like hey i don't want the only time we hang out to be like a booty call then

sure i guess but you are also a member or a participant in this relationship so if it's not something you want to do or you're feeling unsatisfied that is just as valid as someone being like hey i don't want you know the majority of our hangouts to be coming over watching half a movie and then fucking like sure valid point if that's not something you're into that's fine cool great but if you're like hey there sometimes maybe i do want to just like do something low-key and not have to plan a big thing and just hang out with you. Yeah. And if that's not on the table, then I don't see why you are also required to do exactly what they want to do.

Like a relationship is a give and take. And right now there is no give. I love that. It's like, oh, like she's not seeing anyone else. We sleep over once a week. Yeah. Also, if I was dating someone and it was our second year and I only saw them once a week, I wouldn't be very happy about it.

Again, like unless, you know, let's say it was like a six month stretch where they were like crushing it at their masters or something. You know what I mean? Like if there was a reason and a timeline, sure. If it was just like, this is the only time I have for you. I see you boys at least once a week and that's yeah not even enough for me i've never only seen you once a week

even if we count podcasting and you know playstation or whatever it's it seems strange to be like i have carved out one day a week for you and the only way i will actually see you is if you plan something on top of that like yeah the burden seems to be entirely on you and it only way i will actually see you is if you plan something on top of that like yeah the burden seems to be entirely on you and it doesn't seem like oh i want to spend time with you it's i want to do a thing with you and if you don't want to do that thing that i don't want to see like that seems to be a thing being like okay if you don't want to take me out for dinner that i'm not going to see you this week and that seems bad the only thing saving this from being the most garbage is that they're willing to do cheap things that's it that's pretty much the only saving grace

because it's the weird like won't come to my house won't let me go to hers even though apparently they do sleep over is one thing but like i don't know it's just it's depressing all of this is depressing you barely ever see each other and it's like that quiet time together is I think where intimacy really develops. Yeah. Obviously it's fucking great. Like the more things you can do, I feel like I'm probably in the trap right now of not doing enough things

because I'm becoming a lazy homebody. But like the opposite is horrifying of just like, you're not even really dating. If all you're doing is like hanging out, like doing activities and then fucking, and then that's it. Like you're almost like really dating if all you're doing is like hanging out like doing activities and then fucking and then that's it like you're almost like friends with benefits at that point which is great but where's the intimacy where's where's the the the plus yeah like there's nothing wrong with saying like hey when i was seeing someone we made sure that like

once a week we had a day set aside to do like a date night but that doesn't mean that what that was the only time i saw them granted i was living with my ex at the time um but you know i mean like even if i wasn't i would i would be on board of being like yes once a week we should do a thing it doesn't matter what but we'll have a date night so that we can spend some quality time and do a thing great but also the idea of being like that's the only time i get to see you and i like you can't come over randomly or i can't be like hey i'm feeling a little shitty do you want to come over and just like hang out and like i'll make dinner or something like like what happens if that's the case like what happens if you're having a bad day she like

no sorry i'm not going to come over you have to take me out for dinner first and then i'll comfort you like that right like that that seems weird to me like that's one of my favorite things about seeing someone is that that sort of spontaneity of being like oh i could use some company and i'm choosing you to be that company to spend time with that's really nice that's really sweet and like you said i think those are the moments where you become close with someone. Also like who's cooked, like, have you guys cooked each other dinner? You clearly not.

If you can't do that, right. Cause that's not an event. Like what about like take out in the shitty movie or a good move? Oh, these are all great things you're missing out. I would love to know if they've talked about it or if he's just kind of been like,

okay. I mean, two years of this is, is strange to not be like, to be like, Hey, do you want to come over? And they're like, no, it's not Friday.

So, you know, I won't see you. You know my hike minimum rule. That's a crazy response of being like, it's not Saturday. I don't want to see you. Or I saw you on Saturday and it's Sunday and I don't want to see you again. Or it is Saturday. And before I say yes, I need to know what activity you've planned for me. Like I'm some kind of grumpy child.

It's so fucking weird. So as Nell said, you got to talk to her. You have to say, hey, I'm all about like I'm all for doing a date night once a week and making sure we have time for that. But I would like to see you more and, I don't want to be so rigid. Like monotony is the death of romance. Like it's, it's so there's nothing sweet about being told that you have to plan a thing for me.

And it happens on the same day every week. And we do the same thing once a week. And like, that sucks. Like what spark is there? There's no, like, this is just a job at this point in time in which you get to fuck your co-worker.

Kind of an event planner, really. Yeah. Like, it's, to me, this doesn't seem like a relationship. You're her excursion boy. I would love to know what your, like, day-to-day communication is like. Oh, yeah, I can't imagine much. I can't imagine, like, I can only see you once a week, only with excursions with excursions but like hey let's really get into it over fucking facebook messenger yeah so you definitely need to state your wants your desires be clear don't guess at what they would want to hear or you know be very

very honest about what you want and being like hey i'm feeling a little unsatisfied these are the things i would like to do and these are the things that i feel like i need out of this relationship and if they're like no i'm old fashioned i'm not coming over to your place no i'm old fashioned i see you once a week until we're married like if that's not happy if like if that doesn't do it for you then you are not with a compatible partner yes and like you're if for some reason this is what she wants, that's fine. But your views are also completely as valid.

So your desire to stay in and not do these things is also as valid. So if she's unwilling to like see things from your side, why are, why should you just completely like go to what she wants? Yeah. So relationships are a, a two way street with at least two participants. Also, she probably has a husband, right?

He spends his time with the kids on Saturday. Like, there's no way she's not. Or, like, you're not actually dating. And she's like, yeah, this is my fuck buddy, like, Jerome. And you just decided. I want to know, did you have a chat? Did you say, hey, we're boyfriend and girlfriend, we're exclusive? Or has it just gone on for two years and you're like yeah it's my girlfriend that i would honestly

i feel like that might be the case of being like you never had a conversation about what you guys really are and this person just has like a boundary of being like yeah i'm because you also said like you're sure she's not seeing anyone else are you are you though oh so i delved into the comments to see if i could find more information and i wanted to say this earlier but it for some reason i thought they answered but i guess they didn't they are also paying for every one of these excursions and dates yes i mean so i assumed for some reason i thought yeah that's bad um but yeah i i really do wonder if this is just a person who's like no like i see you once a week and like we're gonna do a thing and that that's the price

of my affection and this person is like i have a girlfriend yeah either way it's bad you gotta talk and don't like don't just bow to demands you don't agree with Because you're going to be unhappy And also your views are as valid as theirs Yep Hit me This is Mimi 112 Is my one night stand stealthing or miscommunication? I had casual sex with a guy I met at a bar last weekend He had a bunch of condoms with him

Put one on and we started doing it I took the condom off to give him head And he then started having sex with me again Admittedly I was pretty drunk Not enough to not consent though And I didn't realize he was inside me without a condom off to give him head and he then started having sex with me again. Admittedly, I was pretty drunk, not enough to not consent though, and I didn't realize he was inside me without a condom. When he asked me where I wanted him to come, I told him inside the condom. When he told me he wasn't wearing one, I was shocked. After talking about it with him the next day, he said that when I took the condom off to give him head, he thought it meant I didn't want to use it anymore.

He sent me proof of his bill of health and is extremely apologetic regardless I feel violated and uncomfortable I would also like to believe that it's not my fault that this happened any thoughts or can anyone relate okay few things obviously if you are having sex with someone it's one of those things you shouldn't assume you should have a very you know frank and honest discussion about protection and whether to use it or not. Taking off a condom, if you're going to do that, maybe make sure you put another one on. I don't know if you knew how many condoms he had. You seem to say he had a bunch, but like if he did, like surely like you still have to pause and put them on. I feel like there's a disconnect between you doing that and him putting it back in

where like, there's a lot of time passing. I'm not going to victim blame or anything. I know you're saying you were drunk and not paying that much attention. Sure. But the thing is, I don't think he's doing it maliciously. If when you said, oh, come in the condom and he goes, oh, I'm not wearing one. I think someone who was doing it maliciously would be like, oh yeah, sure. And then just do it and then be like, oh, I thought come inside you you took the condom off you know what i mean i think he's being an idiot i think you guys need to talk but i don't think it was malicious no i don't i don't necessarily think he's being an idiot there's always a chance that someone has done something bad but i think in this case i do not blame him for following the steps of logic by followed by an idiot.

I mean, like from my first point of like, you should have a frank discussion with someone. And if you haven't, then you shouldn't just, you shouldn't just fucking go for it. That's, that's it.

Like, I don't mean he's being an idiot in this situation. Cause if somebody tucked the condom off for me and then wanted to continue again, for me, I don't love doing that without that frank discussion, but like, it's almost like implied, right? This is the thing. It's continue again for me i don't love doing that without that frank discussion but like it's almost like implied right this is like it's like for me if someone took a condom off i would i i would put one back on just by nature anyway but i i can 100 understand that if i put

a condom on and then at some point in time you've taken it off i assume that that condom is now discard like i i don't blame him for thinking like oh okay condom is off we're not using it anymore um i think you're absolutely correct in terms of like do you don't make assumptions about that kind of stuff i would check in before i before i would have sex again i would be like hey do you want me to get another condom but again i'm assuming he was probably also a little drunk and presumably you made the same mistake that he did yeah because you didn't say hey can you put another condom on the same way that he said hey should i put another condom on yeah so i i don't love the fact that you're like i would like to think it's not my fault yeah i don't know why there's that like

drive to be like oh nope can't be me it's like you can be yeah i i think i mean the fact that he supplied you with a std or an sti check after the fact and seems very apologetic like and to be fair he clarified in the moment and was honest at a time when like passions are high literally presumably he's close to coming's like, that's not the time for a frank, awkward, out-of-the-moment discussion. He still had it. Yeah. So I think, one, I have a hard time believing this is a malicious thing

because as Niall said, if it was, he probably wouldn't be like, hey, where do you want me to come? He probably would have just done whatever he was gonna do and two i think there was enough sort of implied actions that you can't fault him for thinking that you were finished using a condom in this case it's like stealthing is like you know oh you take the condom off like surreptitiously in this case surely the stealthy part would have been if he was able to get one back on without you noticing yeah right like that would like putting one on in this case would be the difficult thing without you noticing because you would have had to presumably like even if they were right

beside the bed people complain about condoms because they take so long to put on even though they don't really but like it's still a noticeable few beats where you're like hold on rip grab my dick boop boop boop it's on let's go you know what i mean it's like that to do that without you noticing would be the stealthy part yeah yeah so i would completely remove stealthing from the table i think the the worst thing this guy's guilty of is the same thing you're guilty of which is miscommunication and getting lost a little bit miscommunications assumptions maybe a lack of care but again that's on both sides of the table here so like if you want to continue this i think next time you decide to take someone's condom off make

sure there is one to put on right firstly and secondly make sure it's handy and then make sure they put it on yeah there's i don't think there's any harm in saying you know if you want to hook up with this guy again be like hey there might be times where i want to suck your dick and i don't want a condom on it so i'll take it off if i do do that i would like you to put a condom back on before we continue before we continue having sex and i think now makes a very good point make sure he has a backup because nothing would suck more than being like you know switching positions she just tears it off and be like well okay i guess we're not having sex anymore because you took my only condom yeah that would suck a lot i would be very really annoyed so i think you also have to adopt the policy of being like hey can i take the condom off because then you

have the option you have another condom you know yes like there needs to be a little bit more communication and like it doesn't have to be awkward rigid i i think have the conversation outside of and like do a little debrief as it seems you kind of did and be like here this situation blah blah blah but i think there's nothing wrong with in the moment also being aware of being like saying hey i want to take your condom off so i can suck your cock that's a hot way to phrase that for sure right that is a sexy thing to say while also stating your intentions as opposed to being like i want to take condom off do you have another one because like hopefully suck your dick but then you'd be like but when you fuck me after do you have one yeah frame it that way no one's gonna give a fuck

but like people's you know people aren't thinking straight when they're fucking so like the more complex and the more assumptions are being made the more room for error there are so like don't leave those rooms for assumption like take control of your own safety as well if you've taken a condom off someone make sure they put that on if that's what you're worried about which yeah it should be be willing to take fault when you've done something wrong yeah especially with something as as serious as stealthing because that is a in many places considered sexual assault and uh throwing accusations like that out or accusing people of it can like in situations like this could be very detrimental to this person uh when he it does not seem like an intentional use of because as now said i think generally the stealthing is done by the person who put the condom on.

Right. Like it, it doesn't make any sense. Like you took it off. You knew there was no condom involved henceforth. Uh, but again, like I,

we, we don't want to toe the line of, of victim blaming. Um, but I think you can, and also like understanding your role in these things helps you be safer going forward. If you just go, oh, it's their fault. That's not fucking helpful for anybody. Whereas you go, okay, next time I'll make sure that he has it on. And then you're like, cool. Because at that point, if somebody wants to stealth or whatever, you know, and you're able to take action. Whereas like, if you leave everything in this gray area, maybe next time someone isn't as honest or it isn't well-meaning and then you're like well i don't know because i didn't check i'd take no responsibility um and then i would say finally even though he gave you an sti you know test or result i would still go get tested anytime

you have unprotected sex i think it's it's kind of important to especially with a new partner to just do a checkup there's no harm in it. There's no like downsides to it. It'll give you peace of mind and you can, you can move on from it. So good luck. This is by Jasmine. A friend, male 22 keeps asking me female 21 out.

Should I stop being friends with him? Friend of mine has continued to ask me out for four years. He only does not ask me out when I'm in a relationship. Last time he asked me out was two months ago and I said, no, I don't want to be in a relationship. Just want to be friends with you. Yesterday he asked me again if I wanted to be friends with benefits. He's told me he liked me before. Should I end this friendship? Will he ever stop pursuing me and view me just as a friend? The thing is, we are in a friendship group with mutual friends. I meant to see two of them in a week. I don't know what to do. He's a a good friend and everything but this just kind of tipped it over

the edge for me i mean he's not your friend no because he's actively trying to be more than your friend i don't ever want to say that like oh if two friends like if you have an attraction to a friend you're a bad friend you're not their friend by all means shoot your shot you know you can't help who you develop feelings for or attraction to and it's very likely that if there's someone in your friend group that you spend a lot of time with and you get close with that you might actually develop feelings for these people that's fine i'm not saying you're a bad person if that happens but shoot your shot and then if they say hey sorry i'm not interested i'd rather keep you as a friend you then have to

make the choice of being like cool i don't know if I can do that because now I view you in this way. Or absolutely, I respect your boundaries and I know you're not interested. Those are your options. And in the second case, you get over it and are genuinely a good friend. And in the first case, you leave and find another friend,

hopefully with different results, either in terms of romantic or platonic stuff now i think a very key point is when you say shoot your shot you're not saying shoot your shots or commence your four-year barrage like i love it she's like oh will he ever stop it's like it's four years is a long fucking time for someone to not stop doing something so i'm gonna say no probably not probably not unless he was like you know what hey guys i need advice and we said you gotta ask her out maybe it was our first episode it's been about four years maybe we're like you gotta ask her out for four years and he's just about to stop and you're about to lose this incredible

friendship no like this guy's not your fucking friend. You can't be like, oh, he's a good friend in so many ways. One, because, you know, he has ulterior motives. Two, because a good friend would respect your boundaries. Yeah. Proven wrong on both counts there. Yeah. If I was like, hey, now, please don't punch me in the face every time you see me. But you're just joking when you say that, right?

Every time you see me, you punch me in the face. I wouldn't be like, Oh, but everything else, like he's, he's a great, he's my best friend. He does punch me in the face every,

every day for four years. Well, it's like, well, every stop like that. What's the difference? You know what I mean? Like,

I don't want to get punched in the face. You don't want to date this dude, but he does it over and over and over again, despite the fact that you're like, Hey, stop, don't do it. So here's the thing.

I really don't think this guy deserves a talking to, but I don't think there's a heart, any harm in saying like sitting him down and being like, Hey, you've been doing this for four years. My views aren't going to change. I don't want to date you. And if that's a deal breaker for you,

it sucks. I'm sorry, but but you're gonna have to move on or you accept the fact that i'm not gonna date you and you never ask me again because if you do ask me again i don't want to be your friend anymore because i don't think you are my friend if you wanted to give them one last chance i would say that and be like look hey this hey, this has to stop. It's been four fucking years. I've told you X, Y, and Z. And it's like, there's no, oh, it's not the right time. It's not like, I like you as a friend.

I do not like you as a romantic partner. And I shall not. And just be like, I appreciate your feelings, but this has to end one way or another. Can you do that? And if not, here's fair warning. We will not be friends after that moment yeah and then stick to it i don't know i'm kind of on the fence about whether or not to like tell you to bring it up to your mutual friend group and be like hey so here's the situation

i think you have to i think at this point if they don't know then they're probably not great friends either unless you've been keeping it secret for some reason but like i'm sure you have friends in there and just be like guys guys, like, it's so awkward. Like, you know how this person, blah, blah, blah. Like, they asked me that again. And like, I'm really sick of it. Obviously, I don't want to cause tension in the friend group. But I want you guys to know, because like people like this, I don't think they're going to have your best interests at heart when it all goes to shit.

Like, if you cut them off or you do say something harsh, like, I will never like you. They're not going to be like, that's cool. I'm going to make sure all your to shit like if you cut them off or you do say something harsh like i will never like you they're not gonna be like that's cool i'm gonna make sure all your friends really like you that's kind of like where i'm coming from of being like it would be very easy for this person to turn around and be like hey so this person said all these horrible things to me and people being like yo where did that come from because again like if you're not saying anything about this dude out of, you know, trying not to embarrass him or whatever. Yeah. Then they might not know. It's like if you're just like coming out and be like,

I'm not going to be your friend anymore because I don't think I don't like you. Yeah, you're ugly. You say shit with me about Frank because I'm an ugly asshole for four years. What? So yeah, I think you should bring it up with the friend group because then they might even be able to be like a backup plan in terms of like they might also be like hey man tyler you gotta stop because we know his name's tyler gotta stop tyler i'm sorry tyler uh but that's that's that's how you deal with it i think i think you gotta this is from Arlene here. in the bedroom lmao when i'm on top he will try to thrust with me as i grind but i always lose the

rhythm and have to start over after a few minutes during doggy i try to sway in back and forth motion with him to get deeper and contribute but i just end up ruining rhythm and end up letting him do the thrusting i don't have a big butt so i can't really twerk or jiggle my booty so i just have to move my whole body up and down or or front to back, depending on the position. Maybe I can learn, even though I have a flattish ass? I don't know. I need help. Please, any advice or resources is very appreciative. You gotta twerk. If you can't twerk, what are you doing? You're right. Get out. Break up with him right now. Go to twerk camp, and you only come back when you can reliably twerk on that dick.

Yeah, you gotta do nothing but squats. Get that ass fat as hell. You got to eat nothing but bologna sandwiches for breakfast. The key ingredient to getting a fat ass. That's a song by fucking Baby No Money. And what's that guy everyone loves? Tall guy, blonde hair. Young Money? No, Young Gravy.

Young Gravy. Yeah. They have a song. everyone loves tall guy blonde hair young money no uh young young gravy young gravy yeah they have a song and it's just like talk about like sleep with people at whole foods and they're just like wait how are you thick you look like you eat bologna sandwiches for breakfast it's great anyway it was a it was it was a quote i'm not gonna take credit baby no money my best friend and young gravy whose name i forgot sorry sorry i look if there's a point if you're fucking shit up by throwing in the rhythm sometimes you don't need to throw in the rhythm sometimes you got it under control right sometimes you just enjoy that and feel it right because there are a lot of times where like i know people don't want to be like a starfish in bed or

whatever that doesn't mean you can't stop moving yeah i think this is a classic case of trying to do too much yes like if someone's trying to fuck you really hard you can push back into them and that's great you don't have to be like hold on i'll match your because if you match them it sucks and if you anti-match them that's when you break your dick so neither of those things are great i also will say when you're on top there are more things than just grinding well i think that's i think that's her problem is her trying to like actually ride she loses the rhythm well i think she was saying she finds it hard because he's thrusting and she's grinding well so the way i'm understanding it is he's he's thrusting because she can't ride

so she well yes but she's also not riding because she's just grinding but i think she's not riding because she loses the rhythm is what i'm saying i just i know i've been with like some people who think the be all and end all being on top is grinding yeah which like when i was a young a young boy and i didn't want to come too quickly that was great for me because it did nothing for me so i'd be like hey you go on top and i'm like cool this is just a nothing just gonna chill just gonna sit here and let you do your thing exactly so just i do think people really overestimate the grinding so just don't let that be your be all and end all when you're on top is is advice number one uh advice number two for me is like i said, you don't have to do that much.

Like, especially things like doggy style. I think there's diminishing returns if everyone is moving. I think it's really hot if you're the one going back and forth and I'm just standing there and you're fucking yourself. Very hot. If you let me grab your waist and fuck you? Very hot. I think there is a problem, specifically in Doggy, if two people are trying to act together because I think

because of the angle, like Niles said, the likelihood, it's like Doggy style and riding are the two most dangerous positions for dick-related smooshings. I'm not even smooshing, snappings. Snappings, bendings, breakings. Yes. I'm not even smooshing. Snappings. Snappings. Bending.

Spraking. You don't want that at all. You don't want that at all. You don't want that at all. It's not good. When people talk about people not being active in bed, they're not saying you need to be thrusting at every moment, right? You can be active by, like with Doggy, pushing yourself back or moaning or talking or just being involved. That's more what they mean engagement exactly it's engagement it's involvement it's like if someone's fucking you

and you're like grabbing their neck or like kissing them or scraping their back or like grabbing their ass or like you're like really into it you get those legs and you like pull them up close to you those are all hot things but you're not fucking with the rhythm. There's also nothing wrong with just lying back and enjoying it either, right? Like, that's also a very like, like engagement is the thing. I, if you're engaged in enjoying what I'm doing

to thrust back or do anything, I, that's great. I want that. That's what I, that's the whole reason I'm here is to fuck you to a point where you're having such a good time yeah in a good way not in a corpse way yeah that's that's what i'm here for this is what i've signed up for this is my job uh so it's it's it's cute and and i love the energy that you're coming into this of being like i want to be an active participant in sex

i want to make sure it's the best possible. That's great. That's the way to go about it. But as Niall said, it doesn't have to equate to physical activity in order to do it. You just have to be present. You have to be communicative. You have to be engaged. And that's, that's really all you can ask from a sexual partner. Like if I get those three things from someone, I'm probably going to enjoy myself. Oh yeah. Um, now if you do want to help yourself with this rhythm thing, put on music,

find something that has a very, nope, nope. Absolutely not have, find something that has a steady snare or kick drum. That's loud enough and clear and just focus on that. If you have trouble focusing

on that, listen to music and tap. When you're working... Don't listen to Dane. Put on Dragon Force and plow him through the first floor of your house into the basement. Yeah, you want to follow the strumming and not

the drums. Well, the drums are absolutely insane, constantly. So, yeah. So that, I think, is the best way to do it. The next time you're cleaning your house and you're listening to music, just tap along to whatever you're listening

to, find the rhythm that way, and then listen to music when you're fucking and follow the rhythm that way. And great. Cool. But at the same time, if the solution is like if you're on top and he's content to ride you, why are you making that face? I'm about to say something that's going to blow this whole conversation wide open. Okay. Do it.

No, finish what you were saying i was just trying to wig you out while you kept speaking well hey you you wigged me out so what is this sex metronome oh music's too complex for this poor clumsy girl you want a fucking sexy like it's gonna be so hot maybe make it a dick maybe we'll put on our store yes with all the other great ideas we've had pillow buddies yeah wet floor signs i think we had yeah i'm sure we have a lot one day one day we will be wealthy and we will go back through every episode and make them no we'll hire someone to go back through every episode even better and now they'll actually be functional uh yeah so i i think i think you're okay i think you're working too hard i think or something to go back through every episode. Even better. And now they'll actually be functional.

Yeah, so I think you're okay. I think you're working too hard. I think you're trying to do too much. Sometimes, like a certain chef wizard that we know says, less is more. Yeah. And that's from Wizard of Sauce. Hashtag Kyle Crawford. You ready?

Mm-hmm. My 23-year-old female partner, 23-year- year old female cut my bracelet off while i was sleeping what i don't know how to feel about this so i need some input i recently moved to a new country a few months ago and started dating my partner a few weeks ago i have a cotton bracelet that is woven onto my wrist too tight to take off the story of it is i have a matching one with my mom who still lives in my original country i don't necessarily have the best relationship with her but family means a lot to me, so we put these on to feel connected, I guess.

We had similar bracelets about five years ago, but I pulled mine off since it got kicked out of home and I spent a year or two feeling completely alienated from my family. Things have since mended, and the relationship has been good for the last two to three years. Thing is, my partner didn't know any of this. Although things are relatively better in my family situation, I'm still sensitive about the whole topic.

So when she asked about the bracelet, I just told her it's a matching one with someone that is really important to me and left it at that. I guess in hindsight, I should have been more honest about it being my mom. I just wasn't ready to emotionally unload like that in such a new relationship. When I talked about it two times and both times, I said the same thing. It was something I shared with someone close to me and there's a way of feeling connected despite being in different countries. It's like two to three millimeters thick, like really tiny, made out of woven cotton. So hardly even registers when I wear with my watch on a bracelet. But since it's made of such thin cotton, it took a really long time to weave. Took me about seven hours to weave my

mom's one. And then for about 11 hours for her to put mine on. So she didn't know the knot technique so well. Oh, the other night, my partner cut off the bracelet while I was sleeping. When I woke up, I didn't even notice because I always wear my watch, but a few hours later, I realized it was gone. When I asked my partner, she said, yeah, she cut it off, because I should have no ties to anyone but her. I absolutely lost my shit, but at the same time, I guess I could see why she would think it's from a partner before her.

I broke up with her pretty much immediately, but I guess my next question is, is this fair? I gave no context, but also it had only been a few weeks. I would have dumped her even faster. I don't know how fast you dumped this person, but I would have done it faster. I would have done it faster i would have done it as she was doing it my body would have woken me up i would have sat up like the undertaker in the fucking 90s my eyes rolled back in my head and i would have chokeslammed this woman right out of my life not physically i wouldn't actually hurt anyone metaphorically but metaphorically i would chokeslam this relationship through a fucking steel cage like the Undertaker did to Mankind and the Hell in a Cell match.

I would go. I would dump her so fast. I would go back in time and I would be. Was it Mankind sock thing? Yeah. And I would smother the relationship again. Not her. This is metaphorical with a dirty sock before she could cut it off.

Thus saving my bond with my mom it's a fucked up thing to do the the like the rationale of like the this guy's too nice the fact that he was like oh it's what it's two ladies oh it's two ladies she's too nice they you gave as much information as you were willing to say saying something like it was with someone that I have a strong connection with for all they know, it was with a sibling who had passed away or a best friend who, you know, you moved away from like any number of mom who you had a tumultuous

relationship with that. Now it's been healed. Literally any number of things. And even like what if it was like what if it was your ex who you know died in a car crash or something right like or what if it was your ex who's still your fucking friend like that it that doesn't excuse it right no not at all and to say that i'm the only person you should have a connection with is the most toxic point of view you should have or have in a relationship if you've ever

said this to another person if you've ever looked at your partner and said i'm the only one who should matter to you yeah break up with them right now do them a favor yeah you have done a relationship and also get your ass to therapy you know what especially sucks this person moved country it's hard to move country because you end up in a place where you have very few people, if at all, and you are kind of completely by yourself. So those ties mean so much more. And you also don't have anything in the way of like physical ties. So it's like having to break up with someone and presumably leave the place you guys share. That sucks. It's so much harder for the person who's not from that country who can't fall back on family and maybe friends,

depending on how long they've been there. So you've done so much of a worse thing. It's terrible. And okay, let's flip it to the partner. It is, we talk about jealousy all the time. 100% fine to be jealous of a thing, especially when your partner is being vague. I can understand you looking at that and being like, you're telling me for a reason and that's making me even more jealous

and now i'm going to spiral that's fine that can happen in the night creep into your bed with a scissor like what sorry continue so uh what you do then is say hey hey, I'm really sorry, but the nature of this bracelet and how vague you are is kind of giving me anxious. I'm getting anxious about it. I'm a little jealous about it. And I would love to know the story about it and try to open up your partner that way, because the question asked her was like, oh, I don't want to trauma dump this early but if you open the door if you say hey i'm willing to listen i want to know the story you can tell me then you're building a stronger relationship you're you're allowing your partner to be vulnerable and you're giving them the opportunity to do it if they do say you know you don't need to worry about it it's nothing that you need to be concerned about

like it's not an ex it's just like a family thing then hopefully you're like oh okay cool and then oh wow it's all been resolved through the power of communication and you didn't have to do a weird creepy sister maneuver at night yeah i will say who sleeps with their watch on it's weird big weirdos i don't even like having to watch on during the day uh but yeah this is this is really bad this is terrible i'm sorry this happened i have uh a number of stuff i mean like i i wear the the bracelet that someone gave me at comic-con any chance i get i don't really wear it at work because i'm terrified i'm gonna like catch it on something and break it but i also have somebody put that off they'd be a garbage person who gets chokeslammed out of the relationship again not physically someone

i did get very mad at someone because someone pulled it the other day and it's on an elastic but someone like pulled it to i guess like look at it or whatever and i was like do not do this i don't know how strong this this bracelet is and if it breaks i'm gonna be very upset um but i do also have i friendship bracelet, probably along the same style as this one, with one of my childhood best friends who we went through a lot together. A very formative

relationship in my life. A best friend and you had a formative relationship with them and you still hang on to them? Hold on. I'll be right back. This is why I don't wear it. This is why it's pinned safely in my house, because if Niall sees it, he will try to cut it off me. He's looking for scissors right now.

You can't see it because... I got a really small stapler. Will that do it? No, if anything, you're just going to put it on me even more securely. An old key. You could probably do some sawing techniques there. But yeah, I would be very, very upset if someone cut that off me and damaged it.

I would be pissed. Yeah. No, it's fucked up. It's destruction of property. It's a callous disregard for emotions, privacy, dignity. Like, it's fucking shit. You're an embarrassing, jealous mess.

And again, we've talked about being jealous. Fine. Normal. How you deal with it, though,. You're an embarrassing, jealous mess. And again, we've talked about being jealous. Fine, normal. How you deal with it, though, you could be a big, embarrassing mess. And this is one of those times where like you fucking suck and you should be ashamed. Yeah. Speaking of being ashamed, this is the end of our episode. It's time to be Niall. It's the time where we get on online dating platforms such as Tinder,

Bumble, and Hinge and look through profiles that work, that don't work. We critique them, we rate them, we say what works, what doesn't work, in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. I believe you got some from me, Dan. I got some. Let me just crank them

open here. Just pop them right on open. Right now, my phone is just frozen on a picture of my dirty washing machine. Okay, there we go. Why do you have pictures? I won't even ask. Be free. I don't worry about it.

This is, it looks like Annie, a genuinely kind, down-to-earth girl who knows what she wants and looking to get to know a guy on a deeper level if you're looking for someone who is intelligent creative funny confident and can have a good time then look no further if you're only looking for friends with benefits then kindly go away i don't love people describing themselves as things that are subjective to other people you know yes like kind funny uh beautiful like i love that you think those things about yourself or that presumably they've been said about you. But like you telling me you're into reading and hiking, even though they're very generic things, tells me more about you than you saying you're kind of beautiful or whatever. I agree with you.

In this case, I don't hate it, but I would preface that with saying that, yes, I wish there was more about your interests, because right now all I have are adjectives that you think you are, which, as Niall said, could be skewed by any number of things. Yes, for sure. So I would like to think I'm genuinely kind, and I'm sure there are people out there who also think they're genuinely kind who are narcissistic abusers. You know what I mean? who are narcissistic abusers you know i mean like also it's not something i would put in a profile because i feel like if i said hey i'm kind one it'd be fucking weird to do but two it would probably sound like i'm not kind yeah so i i don't hate them because like sure but if if you had lists of things or at least give me a little bit more of like what you do you know like i think

there are ways to but like yeah it's like like what you do with your life like what you how you spend your time because i think that like if you want to say you're kind like if you you know maybe you volunteer somewhere or maybe you foster dogs like to me that is like oh you're kind as opposed to you know you're showing me and not telling me but even i think that's important a lot of these things aren't quantifiable in that way so it's like they're just gonna figure it out when they meet you so it's like if they think you're an interesting cool person that should be enough yeah let your kindness speak for itself i'm uh i'm gonna give it a five because i don't i don't think it's bad but i i do think you have room to improve i'll give it

a six because i think it's just on the good side of bland yeah uh this is d blank and he says smarter than you fitter than you wittier than you you need to step it up these are my favorite profiles because you're actively being like, I'm interested in you, but you're bad. Mm hmm. Right. Because like you wouldn't say that to someone you're not interested in. No, but it's also just like, well, actually, I wouldn't say that to someone I was interested in, but I'm sure this person it's not the case. I'll send it to you.

It's like he doesn't like I'm not going to judge anybody by their fitness or whatever. But like when you say that, I expect to look up and see Chris Hemsworth off his newest movie. Not the most bland looking dude. Yeah. Which, whatever. Fitness isn't all about muscles, but also when you come out the gate swinging like this and being aggressive and weird, I immediately want to find fault with you. And it's like no one in their right mind is going to be like, hey, this guy seems like a good catch. He's super aggressive. He's very arrogant love it yeah this thing is like i promise you

that there are women on tinder who are fitter than this dude oh my god and i will also guarantee you that there are people who are smarter and wittier well judging by his profile the wit remains to be seen uh this is, again, Vanessa, I think. Yeah, hit me with a ring. Oh, yeah. I'm going to give this a zero. No, I'll give it a one because it's not racist.

I'll give it a one. This is Vanessa. Are you a 45 degree angle? Because you're a cutie. Wink. Five facts about me. Probably the most boring person you'll ever meet.

I will never love you more than I love food. Taller than your mom. I'm allergic to cats and pineapple i have more riz than you see like that's that last sentence is still kind of like aggressive but like it's obviously playful and fun but here's the thing if you're if you start your list of five fun facts about you and you say you're the most boring person i'm ever going to meet hey guess what you don't you got no riz because i'm immediately not interested yeah i don't understand

why someone would think that's a flex like to me that would be the equivalent being like i'm the worst smelling man you'll ever meet it's like cool like i can't wait to vom when i fucking get a sniff of you yeah i have no interest in spending anyone who they themselves describe as boring. Yes, that's a sad state of affairs. Because I think a lot of people who people consider boring don't consider themselves boring. Because if you consider yourself boring, that's a very sad life. Yeah, yes. I mean, I've told the story of my first date at once who her opening line was, I'm sorry, I'm really boring.

I was like, well, sad sad sad time to be i was like this sucks like why do why do i want to talk to you then like if you're boring then okay why did you come out you're doing something cool right now yeah the irony is the rest is profiling it has energy it doesn't seem like a boring person's profile yeah and let me be the judge of that maybe maybe you do maybe you do things that are cool to me like yeah maybe you think that fucking running five kilometers every day is boring but i think that's neat a lot of people think fucking dnd is boring and those people are fools yeah so once again i think i think you've you've missed the mark on this these aren't i guess i thought they

were five fun facts they are just five facts obviously they're boring no fun to be had um i think don't ever ever ever put that you're boring on your profile because you're just giving people a reason to say no why would anyone spend time with a boring person yeah get rid of it i would say i i want to give this a high rating but i'm gonna give it a four i was also gonna go with the the elusive four. Yeah. This is Annika. No short motherfuckers. These are also, sorry, when I say motherfuckers, it's going to be MFs. And after every line, there is a fucking emoji, and I'm going to try to parse them.

Cool. No short motherfuckers. No small motherfuckers. No bald motherfuckers. No old motherfuckers. No creepy motherfuckers. No hairy motherfuckers. No gamer motherfuckers. No dropout motherfuckers. No ugly motherfuckers. old motherfuckers no creepy motherfuckers no hairy motherfuckers no gamer motherfuckers no dropout motherfuckers no ugly motherfuckers no moldy bitches must be a drippy

alpha male and no foot fetish kinks okay this sounds terrible yeah if i can't be creepy hairy and moldy i'm not gonna leave the home yeah what's the point this person sounds the most boring person ever yeah they do sound terrible uh this is also going to be a one for me i will hit it with a 0.5 okay not a 1.5 just a 0.5 uh that's gonna do it for us friends thank you very much for listening we appreciate you we love you uh once again if you want to support the show and you want a little bit extra bonus content head on over to patreon.com slash f buddies podcast I believe f buddies

f buddies now patreon.com slash f boyness content boyness content also you can head on over to f buddies podcast.com click the patreon link that'll bring you there too you can click the contact form you can fill out a question send it over to fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the Patreon link. That'll bring you there too. You can click the contact form. You can fill out a question.

Send it over to us. You can choose your agent name. We can keep it completely anonymous. And that is how you get on the show. And we would love to answer your question and help you out. Yeah. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. And once again, live show, Sunday, August 6th.

I think we have added a few more tables. Whether they're available or not at the time this comes out. I'm not sure. I hope they are. If they are, grab a reservation because they won't last long. Also, if you're in the area, pop in, have a drink, stand. You can hang out at the bar. There's plenty of room for you. Just because you don't have a reservation doesn't mean you can't come check us out.

We'd love to see you, even if you just pop in for a little bit for for us a quick snack and a drink 100 we want to see you there and we love you uh you want to get comfortable here dude yep i'm ready for you we delve into some current twitter drama so this person named ethnic steve retweeted a picture of a comment he got i guess on on like Hinge, and it was a girl who messaged him saying, your profile is insanely catered to the female gays. Like, gays, G-A-S-E-D-E. Right? So he screenshot it,

reposts on Twitter saying, yeah, it's a dating app, you dumb hoe. And then she, it went viral, so she saw it and was like, wait, did you tweet all your Hinge conversations? Ha ha ha. And he was like, no, but I tweeted this one. And it's up to 6,000 likes because everyone thinks you're a fucking weirdo. I want to give you a chance to offend yourself before I unmatch.

Imagine if I asked you, hey, do you objectify yourself on purpose for attention? Like, do you have BPD or something? Or do you watch too many pseudo-intellectual TikToks? All I show people is your opening line. It's going viral because of how bizarre and stupid you are. Seems you're here to attract women. Damn, nothing gets by you. No wonder you're at Georgia Tech with brains like that.

Sheesh! Now, do you think somebody mastering you saying your profile is insanely catered to the female gaze is a put down? Yeah. My dude, you missed the mark. Like, could not have been more wrong. Someone's like, hey, like, you look great.

It's like, yeah, I'm trying to look great, you idiot. I'm on a fucking dating profile trying to attract people. Are you fucking stupid? Oh, man, people I love. I love people so much for being so dumb. But the best thing is everybody is ripping out and be like, dude, like she was flirting with you,

dude. What are you doing, dude? I can only imagine at that point in time, you can't be like, ah, shit, my bad.

I think you like, I'm assuming this guy has to double down and it's just, he's right wing now. He's like, well, shit, I got to go all the way. I support Trump,

I guess. Damn it. Fuck. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm now Spain. We've go all the way. I support Trump, I guess. Damn it. Fuck. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. We've been your fuck buddies.