F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 251 - Nothing You Can Do for Dick

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Sorry for the latest upload of our career, but I just got back from a bachelor party and I don't need to explain myself.  Topics include a hopeless romantic encounter, how to escalate into rough sex, the trouble being too hot, Jonah Hill's ridiculous demands, recovering from death grip.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And my name is Niall Spain, and we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions either sent to us by our wonderful listeners or online.

We answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday, and also on stage and or on Patreon. It's true. I have no idea when this episode comes out. I don't. We're going away for a little bit, so we're recording en masse. And when this comes out, I'm not sure. So I can't even, like, I don't even,

maybe it's after the live show, so do we even talk about it? I don't know. I don't know, but if we say something that for some reason is now really offensive because something has happened between now and then, it's not our fault. It's July 20th, okay? It's July 20th. If we say something that's super offensive that was still very much super offensive on July 20th,

it's July 20th, 1986. Yes, and it all goes in 86 brother uh I'm very warm how are you super sweaty well let's get sweaty are you ready yeah despite inside chemicals 67 40 gross how did get him to spend time with me post intimacy female 32 so long story short a guy and I ended up taking it to the next level and I would have thought it was a hopeless one-off thing if he didn't come back. Now I'm hopelessly attached to him and want to spend some time with him. He says he wants to see me again, but he's become very casual and I'm freaking out a bit. All the advice I've gotten

about being aloof, act disinterested, be unavailable has only pushed him further away. I'd like to ask him if he wants to go on a proper date, but I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. So far, all of us. Yeses have been. Yes. Knows says yes, but means no.

It doesn't set a date for plans. Can someone tell me how to go about this post intimacy? So much of this question that, so I want him to be more engaged with me. So I've ignored him and been aloof with him. Why, why is that driving him away? No,

I can't figure it out well i just can't get it that's why i brought this question because it's so complex like there must be something else going on because she's like ticking every box right i slept with him and then started ignoring him and acting aloof and seeming disinterested yeah yeah and like why would you hook up with someone and be like oh this is hopeless this is a hopeless thing that i'll never see again it's like i and by all means have a one night stand hook up with someone once whatever that's cool but like it's weird to go into it thinking like being like this is a hopeless romantic encounter because like yeah i want

to hook up with someone once and that's fine or you're looking for something more long term in which case you should sort of like put that expectation. Yeah. I honestly don't really understand what this means. We took it to the next level and I would have thought it was a hopeless one-off thing if he didn't come back. Now I'm hopelessly attached to him and want to spend time with him. So it's like either way,

it's hopeless, which is very sad and also indicative of where this person's at. But it's like, are you saying because he now texts you you're like oh i'm hopelessly attached but if he hadn't texted you and like it's a hopeless one-off thing yeah it seems like regardless of what the the outcome was was like either he was never going to talk to you again and that's not what you want but now you're into this dude and that's also not what you want and he seems to continue to like want to spend

time with you you're like this kid this is the worst possible situation the only thing other than this that could have been worse is if he didn't do this and it's like what's the the happy medium that you were looking for between never seeing this person again and seeing them again another toxic thing here is like the focus on post intimacy because in their mind everything has changed because they had sex yeah it's the same shit like nobody really cares i mean unfortunately i think a lot of people care that's a big reason why we have this show well i know but i mean like normal people don't care and i also think it's the opposite problem where it's like if you've already had sex it's like that barrier has been broken so you could just be like hey do you want

to come over and have more sex you know whereas if it's post like pre-intimacy you can't or at least like that's a harder kind of thing to it's a much bolder move yeah to be like yeah hey come over and fuck things should be easier now so the there's there's so much here of being like okay i i'm into this guy and i want to see him more but you've decided to be aloof because the internet has told you that or you know cosmo has told you that's bad if that's bad like let's talk about that right now that is bad advice you're a bad person in dating if you're doing this so yeah shocker that's not fucking working well if he was like yeah this girl doesn't like me let's pursue her then he would be the bad

one and presumably his yes no answers which i also don't really know what that means are a reflection of what you're giving him yeah right you're you're probably playing this like aloof and not wanting to commit to plans and not asking him to do anything so he's probably matching your energy and it's just like okay well like i guess if it happens it happens but like i'm not gonna yeah i'm not gonna invest a whole lot of energy or time and effort into someone who's giving me nothing in return this dude seems to be like dating like a normal human and being like, if you're going to give me attention, I will reciprocate that attention. But if you're not going to give it to me,

then I will also not return it. It's that simple. Even just so far, all of his yeses have been yes, no's like, what, like, what does that mean?

What does that mean? And also you're saying he says yes, but means no, and doesn't set a date for plans. When you set a date, if you're asking and he's saying yes but then a date's not happening it's not his fault it's your fault and it's also again you're acting aloof so like i wouldn't be putting if someone was like hey we should hang out and be like yeah for

sure like when are you available whenever yeah or even just like we should hang out sometime yeah absolutely i agree and then but it's like if that's Yeah, absolutely. I agree. But if that's all you've given me, if you just keep every now and then being like, I guess it would be cool to see you. If you don't seem into it, I'm going to move on quite happily. Or just leave you sort of like back pocket where

if it happens, it happens. But I'm not going to bend over backwards to try to spend time with someone who does not make it apparent that they want to spend time with me. In fact, are doing the opposite. So it's like, look, stop the being aloof, disinterested, unavailable bullshit. As you've pointed out, it's pushing further away. It is wrong advice because if it attracts someone, it'll probably attract the wrong person.

So just don't do it. If you want to go on a proper date ask him yeah because again if you're worried that you asking him on a date is going to result in a rejection well i mean that's better than just living in a weird amorphous limbo of not doing anything and just being like stressing out about him because if you're like hey do you want to go for drinks sometime or do you want to come over to my place and watch a movie do you want to like come over and hook up and he's like nah oh great move on he's not interested and that's the thing right now the amorphous thing they're living in is many rejections constantly so we don't even we don't even know if there are many rejections no but what i mean is like that's what she's feeling right she's like they're yes no

they're this he doesn't like like you're living in what is effectively one giant prolonged rejection or at least that's what it feels like to her so if you just got rejected that would be so much better yeah because then you can move on you can oh great he's not interested in me uh bye it sounds like there's like i think three parts to this one you have uh probably a fairly unhealthy relationship with sex because it seems like the second you had sex with this person you became instantly more attached to them and maybe sort of projecting the importance onto this person that wasn't reciprocated immediately and then yeah and then you started playing games and being uh dishonest and disingenuine by being aloof despite the fact that you are apparently very into this person so you've lied to him so that is something you also

need to deal with and then you're not making any effort to commit to anything you say you want to ask him out on a date but then you don't if you want to do something ask him and it like it all stems from it's like if you want to have a sexual relationship with this person, great, cool, do that. If you like this person and want to invest in him, do that. And then if you want to ask him out on a date, do it. All those things are fine, normal things to do. This is like the like, I don't know what the word is like toxic. It's just so, so toxic.

Everything you're doing is toxic behaviors. You are sitting in this like ideal that like he has to do all the work. He has to ask you out. He has to do whatever, blah, blah, blah. It's like, just why? Why are you the one who's taking a back seat when it's something that's important to you? You're doing this toxic shit of being disinterested, this toxic shit. Like it's all so toxic.

Just step away from it. I would be absolutely not surprised if this was also the kind of person who was like she has a script in her head or she has like she has the idea of like what this what he needs to do to to really like win her over and she's just waiting for him to like do this check mark well she already is yeah she's like waiting for him to set a date and it's like if you're like what think about it why the fuck would he if you act like you don't want it and if you want it go for it it's it's so simple and situations like this hurt me yeah so you got a lot of work to do is what we're saying you need to go right back to

the drawing board and be like do i want to have a sexual relationship and am i capable of having sexual relationships with people and not becoming hyper attached after the fact start being honest and not lying about your intention with people if you're into them be into them if you're not into them don't be into them and then if you want to act out like make a move on someone make a move don't sit there and wait for them to do it because they might not know so take a little bit of initiative uh so we have an example of one of the questions in the comments of what he yes, no to. And guess what she asked him? What are you doing?

Are we ever going to see each other again? And he was like, yeah. And she's like, and then he didn't set a date. It's like, okay. Yeah, again, like that's a nothing question. Also, it's not good. And hey, let me tell you, if someone asked me that and not in a joking, like, oh, it's been a while since we've seen each other because we've been busy.

You know what I mean? Like, if it's not a very clear tongue in cheek joke about, you know, just not seeing each other for a while, I'd be running, running for the hills. I'd love to know, like, what the length of time they hadn't seen each other was. Oh, I imagine within a week. Immediately after he left. That's not a yes, no. He answered your question. Yeah. the length of time they hadn't seen each other was oh i imagine within a week immediately after he left that's not a yes no he answered your question yeah i'm gonna see you again uh this is from zealous edge 405 how do i tell my boyfriend i want him to be rougher with me

i a 21 year old female my boyfriend 23 year old male have a really healthy sexual relation and it's always been enjoyable but i'm looking to explore some more kinks of mine and experiment with rubber sex. I've told him in the past that I want him to use more dirty talk and do things like choking, spanking, etc. But he seems to be scared of hurting me. How do I tell him exactly what I want him to do? Well, what is it that you exactly want him to do?

Yeah, that's a great question, Dal. And I think an excellent place to start. Because if you're just saying, I want you to spank me, there is so many degrees of what spanking could be it could be hand could be belt it could be a whip it could be a toy could be a paddle could be hard could be soft like clothed could be unclothed could be like you know literally welt me up get me red or it could be like oh i like it during sex or just as its own act it could be a lot That's step one. You need to know

what you want specifically. Maybe you just didn't put it in the question, but it doesn't sound like you fully know. So I think that's a good place to start. An excellent place to start. Yeah. Secondly, if he's worried about hurting you, talk to him about it. Be like, hey, I really appreciate that. That's great. That's how you should be as a good partner. What are ways we could do to mitigate that? Such as taking it slow, such as learning from whatever resources we can together, such as having a safe word. I think, especially with stuff like this, choking, spanking are all things you can do incrementally. You can start slow. I would say,

I think there's far more risk when it comes to things like choking. For sure. If it's not done correctly, there are plenty of resources available online for kink and BDSM to teach you how to safely do these things. Signs to look for at your partner in case they are getting lost in the sauce because they enjoy it so much, but are actually kind of like entering into a territory that might not be safe. Non-verbal safe words

are really important when you're doing things like choking because you are obstructing airways um one that i really like to use and i find is a a really really good one is uh a peace sign is a great way to do it and it's like one is slow down or lighter two is stop and that's a great way to slow down or lighter two is peace out bye um and that's that's a that's something i use i think it's it's a great way to do it because it's like it's not something your partner if your partner is constantly throwing up deuces I think you have wider problems in your sexual relationship it's really weird to me that you're throwing it up like

backwards because that's peace and that's fuck you that's fuck you fuck you what really so I'm doing it with we're on camera so I'm pointing towards him like back of his face facing the world

and in ireland that's basically the middle finger like they're both the same so for me it's when you turn your hand around and your fingers are facing outward that's like the peace sign so it's just really funny to me that's like you're like fucking them and they're like fuck you you're like oh and you fucking martin like fuck you back and that actually just means stop so hey maybe yeah i mean you can use anything you can use thumbs up but i think that is a confusing thumbs up you gotta do thumbs down yeah but uh but it raises a really good point no sorry please i would love to hear i want to hear the the incremental thing of of spanking and like that's a really fun way to spank is to slowly increase and playing with like different speeds different materials different different tools um and finding that

like that sweet spot of being like you know what i actually don't love your hand but your belt is the sensation that i do like um i will say a really, really important thing of spanking is taking a second. And I know like professional doms, they have a cloth that's usually made of like a really soft material or a soft fur, like rabbit fur cloth. And sort of like rubbing the spanked area helps one, like comfort, but it also elevates the next round as well. It brings blood to the surface.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, you know, think about that. You don't necessarily need to buy anything fancy, but like just taking a second and like,

you gotta go skin a rabbit right now. Yeah. It's the thing, you know, what you do is to, to, to rub the butt a little bit, to,

to give them a break is, is a great way to elevate the experience. So when Dane talks about incremental spanking, he's not talking about your partner. Cause that's insane. Never touch your partner. You're going to go out in the woods. You're going to find a rabbit and you're going to sneak up on it and

spank. And like, Oh, first one, maybe it'll just shock it. Eventually you'll find the sweet spot that kills it. Then you skin it. Then you've got your cloth and there you go.

It's like that experiment to see how, how hard you have to slap a chicken and how many times to cook it through kinetic force yeah yeah um no obviously that's not that that was a joke fbi that was a joke they hate when people smack rabbits the fuck the fbi it's the federal bunny investigation i forget where we're even at but yeah the danger of spanking is like discomfort and pain the danger of choking is like death so like maybe don't dive into choking first yeah choking is a is a thing i would definitely recommend uh starting very very light moving slowly so now i said stay for it's like those are all things that can keep you safe and like now said find resources or even just find porn not necessarily for choking because choking

requires a specific technique that you can't just like get from looking at um but like if you find a porn where like someone is doing something that you like in a rougher fashion be like hey that's this is something that turns me on inspire themire them. Give them something to work with. Give them some source material. And I feel like that would be a really fun way to explore your kink. Sit together and get naked and watch some porn. Make a little playlist of some stuff that you like and go through and be like this. That right there.

That right there. This here. 100%. So start slow. Do your research. And I mean that not in a hate vaccines way. That right there. This here. 100%. So start slow. Do your research. And I mean that not in a hate vaccines way. You got it. You got it.

You can do this. I believe in you. This is Nameless User. I'm a girl who's been rejected by almost everyone I've showed interest in. Hey guys, I guess this is a rant slash question. I feel like there's a common trope of men approaching girls being rejected constantly. But I'm curious about how many girls out there get rejected too. For context, not that matters much, and it cringes me to say this, but I would say I'm pretty physically attractive. I guess one indicator of this is that I'm a signed model at a top agency in New York City. I'm 22, so I'm in a huge dating pool for my age. I study neuroscience, and I would say I have a pretty good personality based on the opinions of people around me. But personality or anything about me as a person wouldn't even matter in this situation because I get rejected before it even reaches that point. I've DM'd guys on Instagram, I've

shown direct interest in real life, I have my friends try and put me onto guys, and I'm perpetually rejected. Sometimes people answer my DMs and then it falls off immediately. Since I tend to get rejected pretty often, I don't approach people in real life that much, so maybe people are intimidated in real life, but even the buffer of social media doesn't help. I'm a direct person, so maybe that can be intimidating. But I've tried different approaches and nothing seems to work. This has been this way my whole life and it's pretty frustrating and confusing. I would just like to know if anyone feels the same way and does anyone have advice?

You are living in the realm of the bots. Unfortunately, you are too hot. You are so attractive that no one thinks that you are real on social media, that you are a scam and that you are up to something in reality or that you're so scary that guys are just like, oh, yeah, like, please don't. That's the thing. People are like, oh, man, man are fucking horn dogs men will do whatever we talked about here before i know a girl who was very attractive who did very well but like once she got like dumped and was like i fucking i'm going out and getting laid tonight and she couldn't for the life of her get laid when she was trying to be because everyone was like

what's this what is this trap what is this trick if she had out and done nothing, she probably would have been flocked to. Yeah. You know? Because it's just like, it's not what men are used to in a lot of ways. And there is like an alarm bell that kind of goes off and you're like, wait a minute. But also, I think not a lot of women have to generally go out and try to seduce people. So a lot of the time they're like, so aggressive or weird about it. It's rare that you find.

And like, ladies, you know, I love you. You know, I don't like to generalize, but lady game is real bad. Yeah. Lady lady game is like one of two things I find generally. It's either aggressively mean and they think it's funny. And like, you know, they're trying to neg you and it's, but they're just so bad at it because they're so used to being so defensive or so overtly sexual yes that it makes you uncomfortable like those are like nine times out of ten if i'm approached by a woman it's one of those two things either they're gonna be like ruthlessly mean to me and not understand why it's

like like i'm happy to trade barbs with you a friendly ribbing i'm all about that's great but like a lot of women don't know when to stop yeah there's also like art there's an art to it it's not just like hey fuck you fuck face it's like what okay yeah uh my favorite example of this is when women like either like come out as bi or come out in general and then are like finally unleashed into the dating pool and they're like oh let's go out and like i want to pick up girls and they go up to women and they're awful and i'm like whoa like you gotta calm down and i've seen this happen five different occasions and i wouldn't have expected it from at least three of

anyway so that might be one thing maybe Maybe check your Riz, girl. It's funny because, yes, I love the idea because I think what happens when women do that is they, especially like you said, I love watching bi women hit on women because I think they embody all of the worst male qualities and traits. They're like like how have i been hit on in a bar before and they don't go like they don't think like it yeah they don't think beyond the fact that like oh it sucked so hard and i hated it and it didn't work they're just like this is this is how you hit on women at bar just like what are you doing i also think a lot of it is like oh it's not as threatening because I'm a girl, not a guy, you know, but like I've just seen it go so poorly. Like I've had people had to be taken aside and be like, hey, can you like tell your friend to fucking cool it?

Because they're just running around like a like a little imp just fucking like ruining people's nights. So make sure you're chilling. Make sure you're chilling. Don't go into bot territory of like hey do you want to fuck like i'm gonna think you have boys waiting in an alley or something right but also don't just go full aggression be chill think of how you would want to be seduced in terms of like reaching out on social media like you can cold call someone especially if you're a model yeah it like it's so suspicious and or and my my if you're gonna do that you have to

be willing to one carry the conversation because every dude is going to be on like high alert and be like when are you going to ask me for my credit my bank deeds yeah yeah um so you're gonna have to and go in with a very specific conversation topic. If the dude's a surfer and you're a surfer, great. Get in there. Talk about surfing. Or if he has a German person and i have a real reason to want to connect with you and i'm not going to ask you for your bank information yeah

and the thing is they're going to expect that you're looking for their bank information up until i'd say date four and on top of that it's like why are you reaching out to people on social media if you don't know them you're just like oh this guy's kind of that, it's like, why are you reaching out to people on social media? If you don't know them, you're just like, oh, this guy's kind of hot. Like, that's not a great way to meet people because, yeah, he might be hot. But like the kind of people who are going to be like, oh, this model's messaging me. I'll see if it goes anywhere and hope I don't get robbed are probably super desperate. Yeah, it's it's such a weird because like I promise you, most dudes would like look at a model and be like, she can get laid whenever she wants.

But I do think that there is a, there's a threshold of like physical attractiveness, especially for women that is, is almost detrimental to the cause because people are intimidated. There's again, like 90% of Tinder is bots now of, of someone's stolen model photo. So it's,

we're, we're weary and cautious when really attractive people show up. But in reality, when you're out at a bar, as now said, you can't, you can't go in hard and heavy because everyone's just going to be like, what the fuck is this?

You're going to try to get me in an alley and rob me. Yeah. Like you've got, you've got a dude in the alley waiting for me for sure and like i would love to know because they're like oh like before i get too far like it it ends it's like i would love to how are you rejected if you're not going off too quick right yeah are you like hey i like you want to come home me i was like yeah of course you're rejected maybe don't start with that unless you're literally walking up to people and they're like no no. Yeah. Have a chat.

Have a drink with them. Like if I was like I was supposed to if I was a guy, I am a guy. If I'm at a bar and I'm hitting on somebody, I don't I in no way try to close things quickly in any sense because that's creepy and pushy and weird. Often I will like say hi to someone, walk away and talk to them later on. Like it's a fucking process, you know? So like it should be a process for you, too. And's it maybe you're like i'm so hot i deserve this you're still a person that's what i'm worried that it's like a combination of but i'm hot why isn't this working and that's coming through as like kind of like a shitty bitter undertone

that people are picking up on and a combination of people's like general reactions to really attractive people there's there's a suspicion i think a lot of it as well as like i've seen guys who either are very hot or who think they're very hot trying to talk to women and if their whole approach hinges on them pointing out how hot they are it doesn't work nine times that like you know what i mean if you're going up and you're like hey like i'm a model and like hey i'm just like hot and it's like we know like you don't need to prove you're hot what you do need to do is give me other things so it's like if you go up and you're talking about again if you're a surfer or whatever

one you're gonna piss off jonah hill but two jonah hill's we never talked about jonah hill we gotta get into that i know what a douchebag we can do that after this we'll do it right after this so don't surf with men though so like if you're really relying on how hot you are or you're bitter about how hot you are and you can't you know just maybe you need to take a step back because you need to be more than just hotness yeah especially for anyone who's gonna matter right but yeah take it slow don't be too aggressive don't do the random hitting on people on instagram i don't think that's gonna work well for you so there you go no yeah i think you i think you have to realize that no matter what

you do through unless you've already like connected with them like if you know them and they post a story i don't think that that's you know make your move there but i think if you're just trolling and like getting cold calling hotties no yeah i don't think that's gonna that's gonna work for anybody are you telling me that those 48 models in my inbox were all real people oh no imagine i i mean hey there there are tinder matches that like to this day i have like they could have just been real cute people that i was like i'm gonna wake up in your bathtub filled with ice missing something i need for sure so niall alluded to it and like by the time this comes out it's probably going to be a month ago that this happened but jonah hill uh i'm sure you've heard of this as well jonah hill sent a text to his ex or his current partner or multiple

multiple texts. Yes, and I'll just read it. I've pulled it up here. This is something that he sent someone he was seeing. Plain and simple. If you need surfing with men, boundary lists, inappropriate friendships with men to model, to post

pictures of yourself in bathing suit, to post sexual pictures friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful i am not the right partner for you if these things bring you to a place of happiness i support it and there will be no hard feelings these are my boundaries for romantic partnership my boundaries with you based on the ways these actions have hurt our trust you cannot post pictures that are sexual you can't isn't she a model as well she was a surfer oh okay but like she modeled for things as a result of that right sure i'm sure she has some sort of but like the idea of someone saying you can't post your pictures of yourself in a bathing

suit to someone whose career is being in the water and i know typically surfers are in like body suits when they're competing i very much doubt he's making a distinction yeah he's got like tight clothing you yeah also surfing with man yes well you heard that he also like gave her the commands that if she was in the water and a man came up to her she had to immediately say i'm going to go talk to my boyfriend and paddle to shore what a cool fucking dude jonah hill it's funny because like i feel like he'd done a lot for his image over the last few years where like people are like oh this guy's really cool and like he's really like taking a lot of like body shame issues to like the forefront and he seems to be really working on

himself and that's like damn okay i guess he's also being a gigantic piece of shit and one of the the really important conversations that came out of this was weaponizing therapy speak i you know what i mean like like people going to therapy and learning these these words and these terms and these concepts and then weaponizing it against their partners whether they know they're doing it or not like whether they know that like it's i'm being like i'm going to intentionally or they think that like oh i was told that i need boundaries and i was told that i need to do this and i was told today so now i can tell people in my life that they need to do these things for me like setting boundaries in a

romantic relationship is fine setting boundaries with your partner is great like telling people being like hey you know especially if like if you're open or anything just being like hey i like here are some things that make me feel uncomfortable and you have a conversation you talk about it but to list out a thing of being like you're a professional surfer and you can absolutely never surf with men yeah or be caught in swimwear it would be like someone saying hey i understand you're a bartender but you cannot work with women but you like you cannot work with another female bartender you can't work with lady servers if a guest comes in tries to order a drink you say sorry i have to go call my partner

and then you fucking leave them there and then they die of thirst yeah and like boundaryless inappropriate friendships with men i mean that one like i guess but like that's the agreement you get into when you get into a monogamous relationship you know what i mean that's the best part it's like yeah he's like oh you can't cheat on me it's like yeah aren't we exclusive so it's like what do you what are you upset about that like you oh you have an inappropriate relationship because you surf together but like i'm sure his boundaries like i'm sure that translates to him as being like a boundaryless relationship with men is like hanging out with them going for drinks with them hanging out in your bathing suit with them you know i mean like literally he said she couldn't surf with them

so this harkens back to remember that b BMX question or the mountain biking question we had? Yes. Yeah. We should have made a joke sooner because I can't remember everything that happened, but I remember she was like, you can't be a maximum women. And this is the same shit.

It's so fucking funny. Like, no. So I think, like I said, like the, the, the important thing out of this one,

we, we find out another man in Hollywoodllywood is garbage um and two what how did that happen but two um to be aware of despite the fact that this scene i mean like the the demands are dumb so it's easy for for things to ping here but if these were more subtle um in terms of their requests yeah it would be very easy to feel like oh I overstepped bounds oh he's being a good partner by communicating and it's like no

that's not what setting boundaries are about that's not what this sort of like new idea of taking things you learn in therapy and then turning them against your partner to make them do exactly what you want them to do. You better not fucking do that with this show. Don't you

dare weaponize us. Jonah firstly, but everyone else too. Yeah. Don't you dare weaponize our terms. If you weaponize fucking James McAvoy's cum bucket, we're coming for you. It was a box. The bucket's fine. Well, how do you think you got to come into the box, Dane?

Just throwing slop like troughs of yeah no it was a bucket dan how do you think you got it into the bucket he used the trough to get in the bucket he used a bucket to get in the box what are we doing i win the awards kicking, selling out live shows. We just wanted to talk about Jonah Hill and condemn his behavior because it's not okay. And to be aware, if your partner tries to use therapy speech on you, make sure that the boundaries and the communication that's coming out are beneficial to the strength of your relationship and not specifically on them getting exactly what they want out of you and at your controlling yeah controlling your life for their own you know satisfaction because i guess technically they are boundaries but it doesn't stop them from being controlling awful pieces of shit you know what i mean it's like you don't just get to lump that term out to anything right oh my boundary is that you have to give me money. Cool.

It's, it's so funny because if someone sent me that text and then someone said, I'm not the right partner for you, blah, blah, blah. I'd be like, great.

Yeah, you're not. Bye. Only 100%. I'm so out of here. Yeah. You'll never listen to me. Dane,

you will never get me to stop surfing with men. I don't want you to, I want you to surf with whoever you want to surf with. I love you. I love you, too. Is it my question? It might be. Do you want another one?

I'm going to do a question. Fucking hit me, then. Black Hamptown, how damn long does it take for Death Grip to go away? I spare you all the spiel, but in short, I've been a heavy masturbator ever since I hit puberty. I've never been able to come from oral or Piv i can only manage to come by myself decided enough is enough and i stopped consuming porn and haven't jerked off in a month and a half now had sex last night despite her impressive skill i still couldn't reach orgasm it still just felt meh like i have nerve damage down there or something am i just broken there? How fucking long does it take?

I feel like half a functional person because of it. I have no idea. I will say it probably the weight of this whole situation and the being out of your like out of the present, like in your own headness of the whole thing. Definitely not helping. Yeah, I think there's definitely a just as much of a mental aspect to this as there is a physical one i think you are correct so that's a bummer i got i have no idea how long people take to recover from that i would say that i my my suggestion to you because there's really nothing i don't think you can do for dick. Nothing you can do for dick.

I'm sure maybe looking to get a revitalizing vitamin E cream that is safe to be used on genitals. Should I spill my dick with a revitalizing E cream? I don't need it, but it sounds nice. Why not? Pamper yourself. We can do whatever we want.

If you're going to do it, just we want. Just make sure, you know, if you're going to do it, just make sure one, make sure you don't get any in the urethra. Cause that's bad, bad scene to make sure you don't have any cuts or cold sores or wounds. I'm going to get mine from graph Paltrow. Yeah. Now,

Hey, there's nothing you could put whatever you want from goop on your genitals. We've learned that. Yeah. And it'll just fall off immediately. And then make sure that it is safe to be used on skin around the genitals. So last thing you want to do is make things worse by irritating yourself. And also try it on a patch of skin that isn't your dick first

to make sure that you don't have an adverse reaction to it. Get ever more dick like skin. Yeah start moving from the least dick like skin. Which has got to be your elbows. Down to your most dick like skin. Which is in fact your dick. Yeah that's a true statement. That is a correct fact you said.

In between I'm guessing what? Up your nostril? Well no that's like interior. That's like membrane. Yeah but isn't your dick kind of like membrane-y? Porous membrane? I think so. I think I'm just getting confused with the question about the person that sneezed when they had the boner.

Yeah. No, I think my guess would be like earlobe. No. No? No. Taint? Yeah. I consider that whole kind of like all part of the package.

You know, start from dick and then wrap all the way around the butthole. I consider that whole the no no zone for trying cool creams. I would say if my cream was going to fuck me up, I don't want it on my dick and I don't want it on my butthole. So I think I would take. But it would be so hot. So sweaty these days. Yeah, but the other parts are. Yeah, but like I don't want an irritated taint on

a hot day let me tell you i don't want it but would you prefer an irritated butthole it's true would you prefer an irritated dick no you're right so like i am i am correct so don't come at me like this i'm just saying you could try it somewhere that's not in the downstairs region like that's okay where else is close to a dick your earlobe is is not it. It's out. It's getting barraged by the heat and by the frost. You gotta find like a soft maybe like right under your neck where it's kind of protected by the chin.

Right there. You gotta get it right there. You can hear where we're pointing. You can see you can definitely hear where we're pointing. You know where we're pointing. I want everyone, no matter where you are, what you're doing right now, if you're listening to this, I want you to point to where hear where we're pointing you know where we're pointing i want everyone no matter where you are what you're doing right now if you're listening to this i want you to point to where you think we're pointing yes on your neck see that's a picture as well not of your taint especially not if it's inflamed especially if it's not looking good yeah but your

neck go for it even if that's inflamed that's okay so okay back to the question um one physically i don't think we can answer that question i'm sure everyone's body heals at different times. I don't even know how much damage can be done in the terms of irreversible. Yeah, or how much damage you personally have done. Yeah, I think it would be super helpful to you to speak to a sexual health professional, both in terms of therapy and in terms of them. Cause like I find nine times out of 10, if there's a sexual health,

like physical problem, just getting a solid answer is a good chunk of processing what to do. Right? Like if you live in the world of being like, is this ever going to go away? Yeah. Then you're just going to spiral. And I think if you talk to someone and they being like, is this ever going to go away? Yeah. Then you're just going to spiral and think. If you talk to someone and they're like, yes, cool.

It takes usually between X and X time. Because then you have a time frame. You can think you're like, okay, great. Cool. And even if it's long, at least you have an answer, right? If they're like, it's going to be a year. Yes, that's going to fucking suck. But are you going to spend the next 11 months freaking out being like, why isn't it working?

And then giving up and going back and damaging it because it's never going to work no you're going to give yourself grace your mind's going to be a lot more at ease and if something does happen between now and then and it doesn't work you're not going to spiral whereas instead you're going to start building up all these like this baggage right you're going to mentally just like build this gigantic bad dam that's just going to stop you from breaking through. So, yeah. And in this case, the dam is your cum. It is.

Well, the water is your cum. The dam is stopping your cum. Yes, it is. Yeah. And then finally, I think you should talk to someone about because I don't know if the the heavy masturbation was a porn addiction sort of situation i don't think so because it sounds like just stopping cold turkey typically not an easy thing to do if you have a porn addiction um and it seems like you've done it but i still think that like talking to someone about the mental blocks that you might have as a result of

this because it's now said like i i i can almost guarantee you at this point in time you're getting more into the mental block territory than you are a physical issue yes because the more you keep thinking like oh i'm never gonna come i don't have any sensation i you know it doesn't feel good like that you're just telling your body our bodies are scumbags and they're working against us all the time and your brain is just as bad so if your brain is like hey this sucks this doesn't feel good then your body's like yeah okay if you say so also you gotta trick yourself and then when you're having sex be like oh i don't want to come and your body like okay let's come right now yeah just tell your your partner to like every now and then say just keep doing that i'm going to come soon because that's apparently the way to make every man come yeah like damn it oh i'm almost there and you're

like wait no no why penis why that's gonna do it for our show friends we are going to hop on to online dating really quick very fast peruse the profile see what works see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. We're doing a live swipe. We're going to see what happens. This is Kate. Oh, okay. Go for it.

They're 38. Always have 15 art projects on the go. Used to travel the Arctic buying gold, and now I take photos of people for a living. Nature geek, but not aggressively outdoorsy. Love visiting new places, trying new food, and developing incredibly niche inside jokes. That's a 10. This is one of the developing incredibly niche inside jokes. That's a 10. This is one of the best profiles we've had. That's a wonderful profile.

You travel the Arctic selling gold? What the fuck does that mean? I need to know, and you sound fascinating and interesting. This is a good profile. Such a good profile. Damn. Holy shit, Kate. I kept waiting for it to turn, butate you know you have super

like her right now i'm super like her right now fuck yeah this is one of the best profiles i've ever seen and i rate them professionally for a living and i rate all right hit me with your thing while i try to send this message uh This is, their name is blanked out. This profile is ran by Emma's friend. She's friendly, ambitious, loyal, and has a nice rack, wink face. You gotta meet the requirements, though. Be between 5'4", 5'8", have a stable car and a job and ambitions. Give her the princess emoji treatment and handle her mood swings.

Must be fit and don't be a bum. All profiles vetted by me, and I'll set you guys up if I think you're good for her. Good luck. Is this a woman looking for a woman, or a woman looking for a man? Does it say? Does not say. Because it's, I'm, hey, as a short king,

I'm refreshed that the height requirements are 5'4 to 5'8. Yeah. Oh, it says they're straight. They're also 5'2. I would bet. Okay, great. Great for me. I know there's a lot of people on there who are short and like, must be 6'9 or out.

Don't worry. I got one for you later. Yeah. What a surprise. So if this was written by, no, I don't think there's much in here. I like the princess treatment, the mood swings, the whole fact that I have to impress this friend before I get to interact with someone I know almost nothing about other than the fact that she has great tits and goes through mood swings.

Yeah, we've already talked it. Friend, friend, gatekeep profile, so bad. Height requirements, even though they're surprisingly non-toxic, still not great. Must have a car and job and ambitions. Okay, whatever. Give her princess treatment. Sucks.

Handle her mood swings. Really sucks. Must be fit and don't be a bum. It sucks. It all sucks. You get like a fucking one. Yeah, I'm giving it a one. I saved my zeros for like the real racist, homophobic, garbage profiles.

But this is one. This is one that there's no redeeming qualities here. Now what's the bets. She's the friend. I always assume the friend is the one trying to steal dates. I always assume the friend is the person. They just want to like, it's like when you go to like a doctor and you're like a friend of mine,

put a hot wheels up his butt. And then they're like, it's you. And you're like, yeah, vroom, vroom. Here we go. Once we go over this loop, they're like it's you And you're like yeah vroom vroom Here we go You want me to go over this loop-de-loop

It's my butt The loop-de-loop is my butt It's my inflamed taint This is Daniela I'm Chilean and new here I consider myself empathetic Very funny I like to go for a walk in nature

And I also go out dancing I'm a little shy at first But when I gain confidence No one shuts me up I love to exercise and move I'm a little shy at first, but when I gain confidence, no one shuts me up. I love to exercise and move. I like to eat and to know new places. Must be patient with my English. I'm learning. This is a very sweet profile. I wish

they were a little less generic about a lot of things. Like, I like to eat. Okay. Like, you know. I'm going to give it an 8, though. Yes, I'm attributing some of the genericness to learning the language. You know what I mean? Like, there might be, maybe she's like, I'm a foodie.

And that's what she means when she says, I like to eat. You know what, you're right. I'm giving it a nine, because I really enjoyed it. I thought it was a very sweet thing. Like, oh, like, you know, accommodate my English. And then I didn't take it into account. So, nine. It's cute.

I think you're right, though. I think this is an eight i think well dear god what is it man hit me uh this is also blanked out uh must be seven foot or taller no time wasters please i speak french and i'm 5 11 instagram is this seven feet tall is so tall it's so fucking tall it's so huge like good luck i guess yeah like i just can't imagine narrow casting they're only about two to three thousand people who are seven foot or taller imagine making your like your standard like i hope it's a joke i assume it's a joke i want it to be a joke. I want it to be a joke. It has to be a joke. But, yeah, imagine being, like, out of, you know, 8 billion people or whatever it is on this planet.

Being, like, 2,000 or 3,000. 2,000 or 3,000 of them will have my attention. Yeah. Yeah, like, that's a wild thing. And I would believe it was a joke if it was a better profile. But there's nothing else in there that gives me anything playful or funny or smart or witty or anything it just seems super bland I'm like are you just dumb yeah like maybe if you really want to put a thing like a wage range or a height or whatever maybe look it's like saying only people are 108 it's like you get one dude he's not gonna last the

flight and this is the thing is like i feel like the seven feet plus is like when people start getting into like health issues because you're so tall like yeah you're i just i cool no but not like us healthy sub six feet boys what oh so much health i'm also a train wreck of a human being so i think that's going to do it for us friends you know i got one more for you okay okay yes let's do one more very quickly so it is a uh hinge prompt and a response i'm looking for a handsome yet adventurous billionaire who isn't a fan of prenups and has a fascination with diving to the depths of the ocean in a carbon fiber submersible. That's good.

That's a good... I like that. Hashtag crush the rich. Is that what it said? No, that was me. That's your editorial? Okay. That's good. That's a great one. I think that would make me laugh and I would probably respond specifically to that prompt. So I'm going to give it a 9. Yeah, I think That's a great one. I think that would make me laugh and I would probably respond specifically to that prompt.

So I'm going to give it a 9. Yeah, I think it's a 9. I think it's funny. It's topical. Love it. Let's go do it. We love you guys. That's it. Thank you very much. We mentioned we do have a live show August Sunday 6th. I don't know

if I think this is coming out before then. There probably won't be any tables left, but you're welcome to come in and you can try. You can try to do a table reservation in case someone has canceled last minute. You're welcome to pop in and grab a seat at the bar. If there's still space, you can stand if you'd like.

There's some places you can like tuck yourself in and enjoy a beverage and maybe some figure food or snacks. Yeah. And if you're a loyal fan of the show and you come and you're standing and someone in the audience, isn't a loyal fan of the show, we'll do our best to drive them out by our first break. So maybe you'll get that seat after all.

Yeah. I'll just drag them out to the patio and throw them off the thing. So yes, please come see the show. We are hopefully going to, well, we're going to do it. We have at least two more.

I think we've signed on for, so we will there will be other chances but this is a good lesson to not sleep on it when we announce the show and I know that doesn't mean much because we pretty much filled up before we announced the show but beginning exponentially quicker

sellouts which is rad for us but like also we feel bad the law of our like regulars didn't even get a chance to try the book so we'll try to give you guys better warning next time. You guys got to try to give us quicker fingers. Yeah. Yeah. Also, if you would like more of the show and you want to support the show, please head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com.

Click the Patreon link. That'll bring you to our Patreon. We do an extra episode every month called Pillow Talk. We're loosey. We're goosey. we have some fun, we do some things. And finally, if you have a question, same website, fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the contact form. You can fill out your name, you can put your agent name. We keep things completely anonymous and we'll answer it as soon as possible.

Yeah. And if you like us and you want more of us and you already are on Pillow Talk or you want even more, we have another podcast called No Quest for the Wicked, which you should go check out because it's awesome. I can say that because Dan Crafts it, so I'm not even being arrogant. Thank you, Josh Eagle and Harvard Studios for the song Paper Stars, and y'all want to settle back for some bad sex

writing? I'd love to. This is a Reddit post. My, 23 year old female, husband, 24 year old male, thinks our son is gay when he's only a year old. Here are's 24 year old male thinks our son is gay when he's only a year old here are some of the reasons he thinks our son is gay he loves when the light shines through the window in a way that makes rainbows on the floor he was curious about my makeup and has tried to take my lipstick and eyeliner it reminds me of crayons he generally prefers me to my husband i wonder why he likes to help me peel bananas and one time my husband saw a mouth

at the tip of it. He got angry at me for letting him do something that looked sexual. What the fuck? His favorite thing to do outside right now is look at flowers that are blooming and touch them. My husband thinks he likes books too much for a boy. Guess I'm gay as fuck. There's also a character in one of the books my son always points and smiles at because he has bright orange hair, son's favorite color. But my husband thinks he has a crush on the character.

I don't even know what to say imagine being this unhinged it's like babies put everything in their mouth my man like and the fact that you're like hey that kid's sucking that dick is that's the more worrying part the fact that everything you see is gay is concerning to me and the thing is like so what if he is yeah that's that's the thing it's like cool great you need to be fucking okay with that or you're the fucking shittest dad right now so get your fucking shit together i would this if i was just like mom i'd be like hey you need to tell me right now if our son ends up being gay are you cool with it and if he's like no i'm gonna disown him yeah i would be like great cool i would like a divorce and i'm and i'm out me and baby are gone and let this kid fucking chase rainbows and touch flowers it's the cutest shit this kid just don't

be in like a fucking like model baby doing the cutest photo ops yeah yeah and this dad's being literally the worst cartoon villain. I will say we'll end with the comments real quick. You see the gay crap. My son pulls smiling at me every time I walk in the house, like face palm emoji, yelling daddy at me, a grown ass man.

We have to stop this poison. Next one. My little boy straight up hugs me. And then he kisses my face. I throw balls to him and he doesn't even get angry and he can't catch it. He just laughs. They're all sarcastic. Love it. Thank you very much for listening. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain.

Be better to your son. And we've been your fuck buddies. Be better to your sons. you