F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 252 - Beat Up Your Dad

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Your dad ever get so noisy a nasty farmer just wants to chop off his hands?  Topics include pre-marital handholding, hot tub sex machine, literally no way to meet women, a check-in with an old friend, surprise striptease.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our incredible listeners. And you're officially one right now. No escaping it. Thank you. Welcome to the crew. And we ask them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday, sometimes on stage, every month on Patreon. And we love you i like that you've added this whole new like oh you're a listener now as if to to shame and or trap anyone who might have accidentally listened just be like fuck he's right that's the thing

it's like the ones who are here are hardcore we know you we love you you're great for those that just like stumbled in maybe maybe you didn't know. Maybe you thought we supported Jonah Hill when instead we were criticizing him. Too late. You're part of the problem. And by part of the problem, I mean part of the solution. That being us. Yeah. How are you feeling? What's up?

I'm good. I'm recovering. We had a bachelor party last weekend. Yeah, I know. I was there. And it was good We had a bachelor party last weekend. Yeah, I know. I was there. And it was good. It was a lot of fun. Got to spend a lot of time with the boys, a lot of quality time with the boys. And it feels bad to be back in reality. Oops.

There goes gravity. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I just. You haven't even been back in work yet. Fuck you. I've been in work the last two days. I'm exhausted.

I've been editing podcasts for. That in work yet. Fuck you. I've been in work the last two days. I'm exhausted. I've been editing podcasts for That's not work. 16 hours. And it's just, I don't know. I just like, I was like I got back and I was like, I just want to be with you boys doing escape rooms and throwing axes. That's all I want. I hear you. I'm just glad to have tomorrow off. Not that

I have days off with writing and podcasting but at least I won't have to deal with the general public. Let's get into it. Yeah. I'm going to start us off. This is by a deleted user. A girl, 26-year-old female, I'm 25-year-old male, talking to is upset that I'm not a virgin. She's a conservative Christian girl.

Great career. Lovely personality that I dig. We started talking three months ago and went out on many dates. She came from a strict religious family. I respect her boundaries, but we did partake in premarital hand-holding. Nothing more than that. We're not officially dating because she said she needed more time to get to know me, but we both

medically were interested in each other. A few days ago while we were having lunch, she told me she received shocking news that her unmarried cousin, 28, got pregnant. She was freaking out and visibly disappointed. She told me they were quite close. She looked up to her both individually and spiritually. I told her she should provide her cousin comfort in these times, but she said she'd rather not talk to her at the moment. Out of the blue, she asked me if I was a virgin. I panicked and didn't

know how to respond, so I laughed it off and said I'll tell her later. Perfect response. I sent her home and I could feel that she was acting a bit cold. Immediately after that, she stopped responding to my texts. I could sense she was still anxiously waiting for my response. So I texted out details of my sexual past. She knew I'd been in two relationships prior to meeting her, and I admitted that those relationships had been sexual. She didn't respond to those messages, which I apologized to her for my past. Next day, she ignored my texts still, so I decided to pull into her house in that evening.

Seeing how I was already there, she agreed to see me. I gave her flowers and a written note of apology, which she kindly accepted. I asked her why she didn't reply to my text and what we should do about our situation. We were both crying, and she explained how it hurt her so bad that she'd been saving her virginity for someone special while I didn't. I was at a loss for words. She said we should end things and not become more than friends. I was devastated. I tried to explain what was the past, and right now she's the only woman who means the world to me.

I never initiated anything sexual with her, and I told her that I would wait until marriage for her. She started to pour even harder and wouldn't even allow me to wipe the tears away. The next day, she texted me saying she still needed time to calm down. She would reach out when she's okay. She's uncertain whether or not she could accept me. She told me lingo would hurt less than accepting my past. I told her I'm cool with that. She should definitely reach out when everything is okay, and I'll be waiting for her.

It's been four days since that text. She still hasn't reached out. I miss her I'm cool with that. She should definitely reach out when everything is okay, and I'll be waiting for her. It's been four days since that text. She still hasn't reached out. I miss her so much. We used to wish each other good morning and good night. We would exchange pictures of our meals when it's mealtime. We would chat when we got home from work. I don't know if I should just wait or reach out to her to talk. I don't know what to say to convince her to forget about my past.

I understand her Christian values mean everything for her, hence the pain she feels after finding out I'm not a virgin. What should I do to win her back? You know, I was suspicious when you started this off with saying she has a great personality as a conservative Christian woman. And I was like, well, it doesn't sound right. Not to say that every conservative Christian woman is terrible, but if the shoe fits, it's just the things they believe in. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know where they're from and what they mean by conservative i have a pretty i've got some pretty good guesses as to what yeah yeah no it's this is bad i mean i first i thought this was also a joke when they said that they partake in premarital handholding

and now like my you don't have to go and apologize because you had sex with someone yes um you also the the idea of being like i was waiting for someone special and you didn't he might have that person that he was in a relationship with was special to him at that time like you don't get to say that that person's not special because she wasn't me that's or that person wasn't special because you didn't marry them. The divorce rate's huge. Marrying people means absolutely nothing. Yeah.

Just all of it is bad. I don't know how to give advice because it's not advice neither of these people would take. That's not our job. Our job is to give it. I'm sure a lot of people won't take half the advice we fucking give them. Yeah, but at least those people are like, how do I fix this problem?

But the problem for these people are you need to indoctrinate yourselves. You need to get so far out of what you are as a person. Virginity is a social construct. We talk about it all the time. It doesn't mean anything it was created literally to give worth to women so that they could trade off their daughters because they were quote-unquote useless for anything other than producing heirs and offspring like that was that was the role of a woman way back when virginity meant anything

i don't know if you've noticed this man yeah and i don't know if you've noticed this. Also shit, man. And I don't know if you've noticed this, but women's role in society has increased a little bit since then. The fact that you're putting that much weight on virginity, already a problem. The fact that you say that letting go of someone, like

cutting someone out of your life is easier than getting over their past he had sex yeah he didn't fucking commit a genocide he didn't run over your fucking dog he didn't slit your mother's throat in front of you you know what i mean he didn't do anything terrible he had sex yeah and well i think a few things one it's like him apologizing and the handwritten note i I'm so sorry. Like, fuck that. You don't ever have to apologize for something, especially not something this.

Well, sorry, you do have to apologize for things. But I mean, you've heard it here first. Niall says, do whatever you want. Don't apologize for it. I mean, like for your past. You know what I mean? Like we've had a lot of like slut shame questions. I'm like, oh, my partner found out I had a threesome once and now he won't talk to me and that's like this is so much less exciting than those it's just like i

had sex before and you're like bringing her flowers and a handwritten apology no like fuck that she doesn't earn an apology if she has her beliefs that's fine but like you don't need to be sorry for what you did when you did nothing wrong so that's one thing two the question here is how do i win her back the answer is you don't she made it pretty clear that she doesn't want this so it's like listen to her save yourself some pain and also like do you really think a relationship where she's always going to hold this over your head is going to be good do you think someone willing to cut their cousin off in their time of need purely because they had sex at the age of 28 is a good

partner yeah i don't know if you know this but these types of people not exactly real big on the forgive and let live yeah yeah which is ironic yeah it's funny how like the least kind most unforgiving people are often those who are like i'm very religious it's like okay did you miss the important parts of your religion hey that sure seems like it yes modern religion is have completely missed the point of pretty much all of the the tenets of of religion and i love that because it's like you you imagine if you were like cool i'm gonna be religious it's like, you imagine if you were like, cool, I'm going to be religious. It's like, let's start broad strokes, the big things.

Like, be nice to people. Cool. Yeah. Great. You know, try and be kind. All right. And then it's like, okay, if that's all you've got, if you only have energy for like eight things out of Christianity,

start there. Don't jump straight to, you know what? I'm not going to be kind. I'm not going be kind i'm not gonna be forgiving i'm maybe i will go to church every sunday and hate gay people hmm will that get me in heaven it's like why would like okay anyway if someone has a line that they've drawn let them have it you'll you'll get over this person you'll move on you'll find someone who can accept you for you and your past and you'll be able to have sex so win-win yeah i don't there's just so much i could just like i

could literally tell you like i said like you have to change pretty much every part of this question and be like you're doing that wrong that's bad you've done this incorrectly and like i don't personally understand the waiting for marriage thing i think it's bad verifiably bad um i don't i don't get just conservative or religious values either it's like it's hard for me to like put myself in an empathetic place to sit there and be like here's how you can work around so i don't know what happened but when you did this your light changed and it looked like very like holy light and you were like glowing it was like did you ascend weird i think it's way if you're when your hand was near the camera and like caught the light and then everything else got washed out as a result it was very fucking funny yeah the only

religious values i understand are those big ones like be nice and try to forgive people kind of deals, not like the shit ones and definitely not not having sex. But also this guy doesn't seem to have those values. So it's like, cool, it's a mismatch or at least definitely not to the same extent. It's a mismatch. Move on. There is no winning them back. If this is their hard fucking line, like if they're not going to talk to their own cousin because they had sex, you think they're going to fucking date you? You know, like very often we would say, you know, respect people's boundaries in cases like this.

And it would usually be in a positive sense of like, hey, if they don't want to see you, they don't want to see you. This is that. But with the added benefit of like you're dodging a bullet. Yeah. Yeah. This is just categorically bad. I don't see this person and also maybe reevaluate the things in your life that make living better. If you feel like you're betraying someone for holding someone's hand.

Also the fact that you called a situation ship, this isn't fucking anything. This isn't a situation ship. It's barely a friendship. Hmm. Uh, you don't want her back.'s it this is chop nuts throw away what should i a male be considerate about when asking for hot tub sex hi all me and my wife have booked a family holiday and our static caravan has a private hot tub there's so many spelling errors in this and it's it's very hard to read i'm hoping me and

my wife get some alone time in it and i want to have sex i've had a vasectomy so babies aren't an issue but is there anything i should know about before asking my wife is it even safe for my risking infections for her or both of us anyone here done in a hot tub and have any experience they want to share thanks in advance uh it's really not a good idea to have underwater sex yeah especially forces yeah forces whatever water you're in into the vagina and is not good yeah like especially if you're in something that is being used frequently you don't know how often this hot tub's getting cleaned so there could be bacteria just in the like just baseline but chances are they're also probably using chlorine or anything like that which can uh change the ph balance in your wife's vagina which can lead to a higher risk of infections which is

bad yeah and you're also yeah you're showing unknown water up there which worst case or best case is still gonna fuck with the ph and that's not good worst case it's putting bacteria other things up there so that's not good on top of that it's like water can be really drying it can also fuck with condoms um if you're you know using those so there's just a lot of things really to say that if you're gonna have hot tub sex it should be hot tub adjacent and not underwater hot tub foreplay is a really good place to start you know what i mean like hot tub sex it should be hot tub adjacent and not underwater hot tub foreplay is a really good place to start you know what i mean like hot tub foreplay for sure heavy touching petting you know making out be all over each other great sure but when it's time to fuck get out in the water

yes that's that's it yeah it's it's it just it's so much easier, so much safer. Chances are, like you now said, like a lot of people always think that like water sex is going to be hot, but like nothing removes the natural lubrications of our bodies faster than especially like chemical water. So you're pretty much going to be going in raw unless you get like a really, really powerful. I know there are some lubricants that are meant to withstand water and are, are meant to sort of be like, you know, waterproof lube, but like even then it a lot more work than it needs to be done. Yeah. And it doesn't negate the possible vaginal discomfort,

injury, infection, not good. So it seems cool. I remember when I was a kid, I really wanted to do this. Then I found out the hard truth. That's not all it's cracked up to be. So the hot tub foreplay.

And like, again, don't foreplay machine. Does that does that work? That's not anything. It's nothing. Don't just for your own sake, don't have like sex in the hot tub either. Like don't stand up like this is from personal experience and it was very scary.

If you're having sex with someone, yes. We almost did horrible things to one another because of falling, and then she tried to catch me, but I was still inside her. It's just bad. Just get out of the hot tub. When it's time to fuck, when it's time to be nimble and

moving, and you need a sturdy base, get out of the water don't be afraid to fucking dry the surfaces around you because you don't want to get onto some fucking slippy ass marble put them up on a counter and go at it and slip either because that's happened to me so you know throwing a towel down

might not be the hottest thing in the world but it could save you and your parts and like think of things beforehand like if you want to fuck them on the hot tub, like if you want to get them in missionary or bend them over, throw a towel up there before you get going. Like, you know,

be a little proactive, but be aware of the risks that we just outlined. Yeah. That's it. You got it. Uh, this is Thrandwheel. Do you force yourself to go out to bars on the weekends,

but almost always wind up disappointed and find it generally to be a terrible place to meet women, yet it is essentially the only option for socializing and meeting girls outside of your network? I hate that after college, unless you have a large network or work someplace that's conducive to meeting new people, you're sort of stuck with the bar scene

as the only place to go for such reasons. It really couldn't be less ideal for picking up women. It is loud, dark, crowded, and women have their guard up more than probably anywhere else they go they stick to their little clique and unless you establish exceptionally good mutual attraction it is practically impossible to approach even if you do successfully score number or ig slash snap it is very rare they respond i've had more luck sliding in the dms of strangers than picking up girls at bars uh okay look if you're doing anything and at the end of that thing that you've just done you feel disappointed and sad stop doing that thing regardless of like why you're doing it

it doesn't matter why like if you're going to the gym and you feel like shit afterwards for whatever reason then even though going to the gym is a good thing even though going to the gym and you feel like shit afterwards for whatever reason, then even though going to the gym is a good thing, even though going to the gym, you know, gets you healthy. And, but like there are other ways to be fit. Yeah.

And, and, or you're doing it wrong. Yes. And the analogy here that I'm trying to make is the bar. Isn't the only way to meet women. Yes. And if the only reason you're going out is to meet women and not

enjoy yourself or have a good time or do things that you would like to do then you're also doing it wrong yeah that's that's it there are other places and you're doing it wrong and it's so like we could give you literally lists and lists and lists of you know rock climbing uh going taking up a new hobby uh taking a class taking like any number of things any number of things you could do hiking like surfing once jonah hill's not your partner well technically jonah hill's not the partner of any of the cute surfer ladies that you're interested in because if you try to talk to them they'll run away or you because then you're not allowed to talk to someone else we've talked about this a lot on the show but i think it's something that we should talk about every chance we get um

especially for men because i feel like that is something that we struggle with uh one dating apps exists he seems to completely ignore that fact um that is one of the big reasons why i stay on dating apps is because i don't want to sleep with people in my networks i don't want to sleep with people i work with i don't want to sleep with people in my networks. I don't want to sleep with people I work with. I don't want to sleep with people that I regularly hang out with because I think that could muddy the waters and be bad. So like I have a very close group of karaoke friends that I see almost on a weekly basis. And there are very there's a lot of cuties there.

And I don't want to date them because if it goes poorly, then I've muddied those waters. Same thing with at work. If I start dating someone or sleeping with someone at work and it goes bad, then that's a place I have to go. And now it's bad. So I don't want to date people in my network either. That's why I'm on dating apps, because it's very unlikely that I'm going to find someone in those circles. Yeah. And that's it.

It's like, look, if you're, again, we've talked about this and I don't know if we should delve back into it because we've done this often. So go listen to our back catalog. There are ways to talk to people at bars. There are ways to approach women in bars that aren't creepy, but most of them require you not to solely go to that bar for the purposes of picking people up

and require you to have fun and it sounds like you're doing the complete opposite of both those things while ignoring the fact that there are a million other places to do this and and being bitter and yeah just you're doing it doesn't mention friends either right like it sounds like he's going alone it does sound like he's going alone which again that's you're just like you can smell it off you the desperation the strangeness the lack of fun there's a shift that's happened and i was watching a video on it and and the guy put it way more eloquently of being like we we are now at a point in time where women and you know we've talked about it in the past again about like the the rise of men currently having the least amount of sex that we've ever had, right?

Like there's a demographic of men who are having less sex than historically they have ever had, that demographic has ever had. And it's in the like 18 to 30 range of dudes who should be single and out and partying and hooking up, but aren't because women now have the opportunity and the safety and the, the support system to be like, no, I'm not interested in that. And I don't need to be interested in that to feel like I'm a successful person

or wanted or validated. Or just, I'm not being bullied by society into this position for various reasons, right? Like it's, they have the option to not sleep with people which is fine because it's what men also have the only thing being that so many men are so entrenched in this culture where they're so shit that they rely on people not having that option to be successful so it's like people have to put work in now and not be shit there's also this like

weird sort of like film that's put onto it so you have like these you know these shitty andrew tate alpha boys who are like go out and do this thing go do this thing go do this thing when in reality it doesn't work it might work for you if you're an incredibly handsome influencer who has a shit ton of money and a large platform where people are like, oh, it's that guy. He's famous. Sure. Or it might also be bullshit. They're pandering to people who know that they have this successful image. So therefore, anything they say must be true.

Yeah. If you're getting your advice, if you're following in the footsteps of someone who isn't you or represents who you are, then it's not going to work, right? Like I can't go to a bar and expect to have the same sort of experience as someone who is a rich, famous, handsome person, because I'm not, I'm not a rich, famous, handsome person. It's just not like a, not a thing. So like you have to go out with the expectations and the understanding that like you have to be who you are and you have to do what you want to do and have fun and and be genuine and be honest but the second you start sort of like going out for a reason and being

like i'm gonna pick up women tonight and then you don't and then get all sad about it and get jaded about it then that's just gonna carry on and the longer you get jaded and disappointed and bitter that's all you're going to resonate there's going to be zero amounts of fun in you and therefore no one is going to want to be around you regardless of the whether they're men or women or anything else yeah and it compounds as well but i mean this is exactly how we get incels yeah for sure and i also think like a lot of it is that all the fucking advice it's the same shit that was being parroted 20 years ago which even back then sucked ass but like it hasn't made any attempt to fucking keep up with the times it hasn't made any like there was no like growth no one's like actually you know what that is a big giant bag shit. And it's so callous, unempathetic, and like one size fits all.

There's no gray area. There's no like, hey, maybe do this. It's do this and you'll get a one. Like, that's not how people work, let alone how women work. So not that women aren't people. You know what I mean? It's not how the world works, let alone when you like focus in. So you just you need to fucking broaden your horizons and by the sounds

of it you probably need some friends too so go take up a hobby find one of those other places and don't do it for women do it for you but guess what there'll be women there probably and even if there isn't you might make friends or you might be happier stop experiencing life with the like win-lose scenario of being like me met women didn't meet women because that sucks yeah or like had sex didn't have sex that was a bad experience i didn't have sex with someone tonight that sucked tonight sucked yeah like we we knew guys like that i'm sure there are still plenty of guys out there like where we would like plan these big nights and we would have all this fun and we'd like go out we'd have you know dinner together and we would

party together we'd go dancing we'd you know we would have this great night and then at the end of the night there'd be a dude who was like pouting and fucking all shitty or would go home early because like he wasn't talking to women or there weren't enough women around like we literally had a dude come out to meet us for drinks and within like 10 minutes be like there's no women here we're like yeah but we invited you like hang out with us and like what's the point and then left yeah we're like what really okay like i guess we're shit like the only reason you came because you thought we would help you like wingman you or whatever like it sucked which like we also would have if you weren't shit yeah you know so yeah just like you need to learn to enjoy things for what they are and like by all means be

open be ready to to flirt if the opportunity arises but like and you make it your be all and end all like you're not gonna have fun and anyone can smell it off you. It's just a red flag. Speaking of smell... Get in here. I wanted to check in on an old friend. Oh, no. And I'm not going to read any of her posts. Just for those of you who are new or haven't listened to the whole back catalog, there is a Reddit username,

BetterBetch. There's a whole saga that we've gone through. The Kohl's Notes is, she's a very stinky ex-boyfriend and who i can't even keep up with the lord did he fake his own death um he died and he came back he did die and then there was no explanation as to why he's now still alive yeah and people have brought it up and and it just goes just aside what do you what What do you think the subreddit that she found and is now deeply ingrained in?

What do you think she's... Is it female dating strategies? You're close. Her most recent trolling was in the 2x chromosome subreddit. Which I'm not too sure what it is. I believe it's very close to. Yeah, but no, she's in the confessions. She's found confessions.

Oh, no. Hold on. Let me see if I can. So seven months ago, she posted, I'm leaving Reddit as this community was more mean and toxic to me than good. How many posts do you think she's had since she made that vote? When was it? Seven months ago.

I'm going to say 17. You know what? I asked that question before I had counted them. Yeah. So 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32. 32 posts since then. All of them in confessions. Well, no, sorry.

There's a few in the breakups. I'm going to read some of the titles. I'm not going to read the posts because we know what's in them. We know what's going to happen. I had a dream. There were two blondes at the stinky pool. One had died and became a car that abused me and gave me a disease, but I liked it.

I mean, yeah, pretty much. So the second one, the most, the second most recent post is just called the dream. There's another one that says my partner, it's not good.

I watched, I read into it. It's, it's her like now going after her dreams what they are I don't know who knows it was very inspiring and I'm about to change my whole life

based on her motivational post go her my partner watches gay porn and he wears pink pants I think he may be in the closet any thoughts I asked him but he would avoid the question. Told me he had a big penis. I love doing that. I love doing that.

That's my favorite way. Whenever someone's like, you know, someone's trying to make plans and I don't really want to like hang out with them. And they're like, hey, what are you up to on Wednesday? I'm always just like, I got a big penis. Sorry, my dick is large. Or there was a really good one earlier too or when she asked he was just like i'll tell you later yes i love doing that too you were looking at my mom really weird and you guys were like whispering in the hallway closet like in the middle of thanksgiving did something happen

between you guys i'll tell you later hey you said you'd tell me later it's been hours i have a big dick what what that's not an answer there's there's a lot of like so it's a lot of like i met a guy who's nine out of ten i met a ten out of ten guy i met the most incredible guy and it's all he ignores me he likes to fuck young women and blah blah blah like i don't know if it's the same dude or if it's just he fluctuates from nine out of ten to ten out of ten it's like damn he does still suck though uh breakthrough thought my ex's stinky dick and disrespect with cheating is his flaw not my problem yeah i would i would say those are flaws for sure um the thing is i can almost promise you that she has posted that revelation

multiple times now there is one post that i just saw now that i do think i have to read into i think years of hate and i hate how noisy my father is can't sleep at night so i started to beat him up what no i'm not laughing i don't think abuse of any sort is. No, but that's so far out of left field. Also, that doesn't make sense. That whole title is. Oh, okay. Never mind. It all comes together.

It comes full circle. We wanted it. We got it. It was a dream. I had a strange dream. My father stole corn from a horrible man's garden. It was a beautiful garden. The man used a saw and cut off my father's hand.

Is better bet Donald Trump. My father then cut off his own hand and the madman loved it and slit my father's head. It was horrible. I saw adult mistakes are much worse. I made too many stakes when I was young. My past is caught up to me. That's why i want to end all things i will never commit suicide as there's so much to see in the world okay that's good is

that it that's it when she did she beat him up in the dream did she beat him up after he got his hands cut off what like is is the part of you beating them up the reality is that your confession and then like hope not this is your guilty conscience being like i don't know i don't want to take too much time up with better batch i just i was i was you know why did she write like donald trump i stole corn from a horrible man's garden the nasty man liked it he He does have that weird second grade kind of like, the good man gave me a nasty surprise at the big pool where I had my strange dream. It was the best.

People said it was very big and very good. I'm Donald Trump. I was a president. When on another date, boy has saliva coming out of his teeth when speaking. It was gross. What? Where did she find these stinky, oozy boys? Okay, I think we need to get back on track with another question.

I do hope someone's listening is like, who? What? I'm sorry. There's not really an explanation other than they're a strange dream person. I hate my dad. I hope he dies every day. Jesus. Good Lord. is this another dream

Are you checking Not another dream I used to grab my ex's dick Whenever I wanted to Okay we gotta move on Dane you're spiraling Yeah I don't think I've done this one but this is by Taco Elsewhere Short pudgy balding awkward Middle aged man needs striptease advice

Male 41 female 38 is there a way to make myself look kind of ripped for just one night i want to try and do a striptease for my wife but i also can't dance if my life depended on it i need advice like sauna and push-ups would that work for a bit i'm 41 now had a bad fall as a kid and my whole life my entire body has been permanently stiff so bored started doing yoga and it's like i've been slowly breaking down ancient knots i assume that isn't a medically accurate description i can move my hips now in ways i never could before it's giving me a miraculous idea that i might be able to pull this off i can feel my body and i have mobility now i've just never felt before i have danced probably four times in my life i remember the first time at the bar many

years ago I tried and distinctly remember trying to dance, but also constantly trying to reach out and stroke her face or like caress her chin. Ha ha. That's the funniest thing to think back on. I'm picturing my head now. I have no idea what I was doing.

Lol. Should I like baby oil myself up? Lol. I love this so fucking much. Right? This is my favorite question I think we've ever gotten. I love, one, the fact that you're doing yoga as a 41-year-old man and you don't have any shitty reservations being like,

yoga, blah, blah, blah. It's helping you. I'm glad it's working. I'm glad you're feeling. Yeah, it's doing it and you're feeling good. I love that you're doing it. I love that you're building yourself up. I love that you're doing it i love that you're building yourself up i love that you're happy i love that you're fucking killing it and then i love that out of this comes maybe i could do a strip tease now yeah my hips these

fucking these shakira hips right now no longer lie no longer lying not a single fucking fib coming out of those hips honest Honest as fuck. I mean, I guess Shakira's hips are honest, right? Because they don't lie. Yeah. So, yeah. Okay. One, don't baby oil yourself. No. For safety, for comfort. That's a bad move. Getting that on the bed, you've ruined those sheets. And it's going to seep into your metros.

Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. Don't do it it i don't think you need to get ripped for a day well also you can't you can't there's like let's let's get out let's not get let's get that out if you could go to the sauna and do some push-ups and be ripped we we would all do it all the time yeah i i think you need to embrace who you are you need to embrace your body because that's what's making you feel sexy. Right? Like you're doing yoga and it's making you feel so good as you are right now in your body that you want to fucking strip tease for your wife. That's fucking awesome. Let like the second you start trying to manipulate that image, I think you're going to start getting self-conscious because you're not looking the way that you're trying to achieve.

Or you're so caught in trying to that you're not being natural or you're not in the moment. And being natural, being in the moment, guess what? Hot. Also, a good thing. The good thing with the fact that what you want is impossible, i.e. getting ripped for just a day, the good part of that is

you don't need to because it's your fucking wife. She knows exactly what you look like and she loves it yeah so yeah great now how to strip tease i have a very important thing to tell you youtube exists tiktok exists pretty much any social media i'm sure that there are striptease instagrams i'm sure there are t are TikTok accounts specifically on people giving men advice on how to do this. I promise you there is someone who has choreographed the magic mic dance. Well, I was about to say there are three magic mics. Yeah. Or at least two. Watch them.

I think there's three. Or maybe there's three coming. There's definitely a third that is either out or coming. Literally. Literally. So I would say don't expect yourself to do anything too acrobatic or like don't think you're going to be able to do the thing where you lift her chair up, drop the chair and have her up on your shoulders. Maybe you can do it. But if you had an injury that has prevented you from being mobile, let's not take any risks. Step one is not getting a second injury. Yes.

Step one is no baby oil. Step two, don't get a second injury. Or a first for your wife if you drop her. Yeah. That's step three. That's important. Yeah. Find whatever you want to wear that makes you feel sexy.

Is it a suit? Is it just a bathrobe with some really nice underwear? Whatever it is, figure out what it is and wear it and figure out ways that you can take it off sexy. The real thing you're skipping is step one

music. I think the music will inform your choice of clothes and it will inform how you take it off. Again, yes, there are classic strip teen songs but i think you should go with what feels right for you and by that i mean you got to go see bat yeah pick something that you're what like if your wife has ever uttered the words and i'm i'm assuming you remember this because you remember years ago of gently stroking her face when you were dancing so you probably remember if she's ever mentioned,

damn, you know, this song is so hot. This song is so sexy. Is she a fan of magic? Mike, does she love a certain scene? But you know,

like sure is pony the obvious choice. Of course it is. Is black velvet another great choice? Of course it is. Also, you can pretty much do it to anything. It's just got to work for you. Yeah. And not be too slow

or too fast. Because again, don't want that injury. I will also say much like sex, there's room for laughter. Oh yeah. So much room for laughter. And if you try to go into this like dead set on being sexy and then the second someone lets out a nervous or surprised

giggle, you get like in your own head. That's not the way to go. If she doesn't laugh, you're doing it wrong. go if she doesn't laugh you're doing it wrong if she doesn't laugh you're doing it wrong if she's laughing that does not mean she doesn't find it sexy she's probably gonna if you do this right she's gonna be so taken by surprise and blown away and also loving it and like she's gonna laugh and i hope at one point you will also laugh because it's very hard to very straight face to a big, sexy striptease. I'm not I'm I'm on the fence whether you should laugh or not. If it happens, it happens. But I think there is also something of like having a playful seriousness.

For sure. But I think sometimes it's hard to not break that. But it's totally OK to break that. Yeah, I think. And it's like and when you do something that gets a reaction out of her like milk it you know what I mean like you got if something fucking breaks

her hit her with a even more exaggerated version of that yes and and just like just relish in it and like just and also like maybe this doesn't lead to you guys having the best sex of your life maybe it doesn't even lead to sex maybe this is such a fucking wild situation for her that you like she's she's done

you know what i mean like she just like laughs her ass off and again i cannot stress enough relish in that that is not a bad thing she's not laughing at you right this is this is one of those moments where like your partner comes out in a funny costume or an outfit and like it just breaks you because you love them so dearly and they're just blows you away and you're so surprised and you're just like wait where did this come from and later on you're like well my hips and it makes perfect sense but in the moment they're just like what is happening and i love it you got this i i think yeah you go go on youtube look up find some very simple moves and string them together right find some really

like i don't choreograph anything don't do any floor work no rolling around like keep it all very simple i think i think a good crawl always fits in because in in my opinion there's the a good striptease for your partner and i'm not talking like professional like you know got hired for a bachelorette party striptease talking good good fucking normal guy striptease involves a lot of ridiculous like the sexy things that are actually sexy and then like you doing what like you know a female stripper would do to a guy on a bachelor party because you do those ridiculous things you get your ass and you you know crawl and like they're not sexy but they're fucking funny yeah i feel like you gotta you gotta mix it up right yeah tease her as well while you're at it like you yeah you also at

points you gotta go in for the kiss and pull away and keep dancing. You have to the one thing I will say and you have to keep this, this is the most serious thing you have to do. No touching. She's not allowed to touch you. Oh yeah, not at all. And you do need to hire a bouncer and if she touches you, he brings her out back and beats the shit out of her. Yeah, and then she has the injury.

And in 40 years she's gonna discover yoga and we get to do this question again, baby. Yeah. I'm an 82-year-old awkward woman. Years ago, a bouncer threw me down a flight of stairs for touching my own husband. But I've recently discovered yoga. And now I can move my hips. And I want revenge.

Exactly. That's going to do it, friends. But before we go, we're going to pop on to some online dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and peruse those platforms see what works, see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Are you ready for this? Bolt yourself to your

own chair because this is Vinny and he's coming in hot. He's 46 he's from Michigan AFAB. A-B-A-C-A-B. Alphabet Plus. BLM. VaxNazi. Socialist. Pronouns. Commie. Bernie supporters. Gotta pick with

a mask in the pandemic. Bolts in your face. Giving the finger. Support baby murder. Platinum plated pussy. Bitches. GTFO. This is Tinder, not Bumble. Want to get it on? And then an arrow pointing to the rest. The previous mentions will die

alone with your cats, who will eat your soft bits. You will be found by the smell. Report my profile. I don't care. Feel like a guy who holds the door and slaps you in the ass? Swipe right. What does platinum-plated pussy mean? I don't know, but I feel like I'm missing out

yeah is it like robot it's gotta be is it like piercing is it just piercings down there well yeah maybe i i thought it might have been like a weird trans thing with like who fucking knows gender reassignment surgery and he just doesn't understand how it works also i don't know like if there's a offensive term i read in there that i didn understand how it works also i don't know like if there's a offensive term i read in there that i didn't know i'm sorry i don't know this was a lot vinny i'm sure has slipped very terrible things in but hey he does slap your ass and hold the door what more could you want this day they say chivalry is dead yeah uh going to be a minus five. Yeah, yeah, it's terrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

This is Pauline. I don't like cooking. I want an excuse to go out for food with someone. I need someone to do the turnaround parts for me when I'm singing Total Eclipse of the Heart at karaoke. Let's trade plant clippings. Looking for something casual. Hmm, it's pretty cute.

I like the turnaround karaoke thing. I like the plant clippings. I don't love, I don't like to cook and I need an excuse to go out, but it's fine. I'll give it a eight. sounds like someone looking for a free meal but then the rest of it came around and i was like okay you know this actually sounds a little cute and this sounds like just someone who maybe like uh trying to give off foodie vibes uh so yeah i'm gonna give it an eight as well like i get their personality i love the karaoke references it's very specific and that's this is what we talk about we talk about like specificity you know what i mean it's not like i like karaoke that's fine this is so good because it shows your personality i know what you sing i can see me on stage going turn around you know it's so good it's so good i love it uh this is nameless and it should probably stay that way engaged in an open relationship fiance is incarcerated two years left lock emoji hashtag free duty for life with permission for my fiance

i'm looking for somebody to help me have a child no strings attached you do not need to sign the birth certificate you do not need to help with the baby that's all do we do this no we had one that was like a lesbian couple looking for okay a baby and i think we have the same advice it's like don't have sex with strangers to make a baby because you could still be legally responsible for that child. It's just, it's just a bad case. Also, you have no idea what this man is locked up for.

And, but hashtag free duty for life, free duty. Got to get him out again. I don't know what he's in for. So maybe we, we very much may not in fact have to get him out. Yeah.

Maybe we do need to leave them there. I don't know. So this is going to be a zero for me. Consider duty with all the facts and relevant information. Impartial jurors. Thank you. Yeah, it's going to be a flat out zero. I don't like a lot of it.

This is Raja, I think is how it's pronounced. The last guy almost ruined Shrek for me. Don't be like that guy. Fucking Ted. Ted. Ted. How did they almost ruin Shrek? me. Don't be like that guy. Fucking Ted. Ted. Ted. How, like,

how did they almost ruin Shrek? That's what I want to know. Like, had they not seen Shrek and he almost spoiled the ending? Or was it just like, he kept quoting Shrek to the point where she was like, I can't, you're going to ruin it if I stay with you.

Yeah. How bad of a person you have to be that you could have the possibility of ruining Shrek? Yeah, that's it. It's like stainless steel. It's runeless Shrek, is what they call it on the streets. Ah, it's a 10. I love it. This is...

Dory is 40. Okay. This is going to be real, I think, hard to parse. Read, colon, and then like shock emoji in brackets. Oh, barely bathes. Sad face moved in with mom. Bless her wrinkles.

It's a bizarre, low protein diet. Unlikely to share a meal with you. Cat allergy, drug free, avoids gluten, dairy, corn,

soy, egg, juices, veggies daily. No caffeine, low fat scars. Where boob job used to be. Empty flat tits now. Strict, regimented eating daily.

Hoarder. Too literal for your sarcasm. Boring. I don't seek adrenaline and won't fill awkward silences. A taker, not a giver. Swipe accordingly. You've been warned. And warned we have been. Dory. That's a dinger.

That's one of the worst profiles I've ever read in a non-conservative way. Yeah, without any slurs or anything. No hate speech. The only hate speech is against yourself. Yeah, you've basically shanked yourself and then let yourself bleed out in the corner. Oh, boy. Like, I don't even want to like like it's all bad like there's nothing here that i can i can really discuss because all of it is bad

yeah like most of it is just her food allergies for some reason and it's not even it doesn't sound like allergies it just sounds like that's what she she just cut it out of her diet right she says she avoids them yeah it's a bizarre low protein diet it's like if you find it bizarre why are you doing it also why are you telling me i don't care like the last it always makes me laugh when people like no vegans it's like yeah and why does that affect your life in any way shape or form uh also just like i will not i will not fill a silence. Great. You think you're boring? Wonderful. Yeah. Drug free? Are you saying you don't do

drugs? Are you saying you won't go to the doctor if you're ill? With this profile, you can't tell. I'm giving this again a zero. This is a zero. This is the last one. This is Alex. Busy, chaotic life. Kids work and school.

I value the time I do have and that of others as well. Sarcastic, dark humor with a little double emoji. I do not have any social media of any kind. Uber rating, five. More interested in intellect than aesthetics. Ambitious, disciplined, type A personality. Academic writer, critical thinker, social worker, but supports sex workers. Independent financially and otherwise,

dog lover and owner, left-leaning progressive politics, no racists, homophobes, etc. We won't get along. It's a little clinical and a little personality-less. I do appreciate some of the things they've pointed out. I give it like a 7, maybe a 6.5.

It's very soulless to me. It's the opposite of like of need you to sing this part in karaoke of this song it's more like I'm type A, I'm this it's like I don't want your soulless list right, yes, I agree but at least I know you're not an asshole

yeah, you've given me enough to say yes I got one left for you okay, let's do it quick this is looking for long-term relationship. About me. Open-minded single from a place living in a place. It's about loving sex, but not just sex. I hope to attract a single nudist, possibly with daughter.

And yes, the best thing about making love is not the sex itself, but the breast and security that I give her after sex. The love we feel then. Love is very different from sex. Would you dare to come to me today to make love talk and eat with me and we got off to a good start i mean this is zero because i have no idea why do you want a daughter yeah possibly with daughter i don't know what that means i don't know what that means at all and also it kind of has strong bot energy like some of the stuff at the end i don't know if it's a weird translation or I assume English is

definitely not a first language because I think the places were in Germany. I don't know why I didn't read them. I just didn't want to like dox anybody. Yeah, of course. Yeah, this is another zero for me because the possibly with daughter thing freaks the shit out of me. Yeah, that's it friends. Thank you very much for listening.

If you came to our live show, thank you very much. I hope it was great. I hope you had a great time. If it wasn't, it was your fault and not ours. True. Uh,

it says that on the tickets you paid for, which you didn't because it was free. But speaking of free shows, we'll have another one probably this month. So keep a weather eye on the Instagram horizon. Well, probably next month. That's exactly what I meant. Yeah. Um, if you would like to support the show, head on over to F buddies, podcast. Well, probably next month. That's exactly what I meant. Yeah.

If you would like to support the show, head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com, click the Patreon link, and that will bring you to our Patreon, where you get an extra episode every month. If you want to send in a question, either for a live show or for our regular show, head on over to

fbuddiespodcast.com, click the contact form. You can choose your agent name. We'll keep it completely anonymous and we'll answer it as soon as possible. 100%. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvesties for their song, Paper Stars, and thank you for being here. Love you. Got some bad sex writing for me? I do. This is a response to something on Twitter. No idea what it's a response to, but they say, by the way, the trick with the pee volume also applies to women. The louder she pees, the bigger, by the way, the trick with the pee volume also applies to women. The louder she pees, the bigger, brackets, wider, more sloppy, brackets, her vagina,

a good vagene, creates a very decent and subtle sound. I would argue that that's probably not the case. I would argue that this person might be a garbage, weird piece of shit, but yeah. Also, they misspelled subtle so badly and it it kills me i hate to tell you this sir but the urethra in which the urine comes out isn't really used for anything other than that so like i know you're thinking that like oh yeah it's a wide vagina because she's had a bunch of sex and therefore it trickles out like yeah like with your logic a bigger like if you made a big hole and put water through it it would it would come out sort of but like a focused small hole would be like a laser beam and therefore louder i would think you'd imagine yeah also this man just needs

to figure out how vaginas work now let me okay me. Okay, so hold on. Does he think that smaller penises pee quieter? I would love to know what the original thing was. And by that, I mean, I definitely probably don't want to know because X. And by that, I mean, Twitter is a fucking wasteland. And God knows what kind of weird dick pissery they were trying to explain. But who knows? Yeah, maybe he's like, oh, if you got sloppy piss, that means you got a big ol' shaft. You got a big ol'

dick hole. Big sloppy piss. If you can hear a big sloppy pisser just going around, you know you got a big ol' dick. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's the other way around. Who knows? It's got a laser-focused like glass-cutting stream of piss. Piss. I don't know, man. Piss. I don't know, man.

Piss. I don't know either. And I don't ever want to know. My name is Dane Miller. And I'm Noss Bain. We've been your fuck buddies. And we remain your fuck buddies.