F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 254 - Uncle Steve’s Play Place

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

You've got three months to find your own place, Greg.  Or else you're going to see your uncle do some things you never want to see your uncle do.  Topics include re-evaluating your standards, fear of gagging, incredibly bad post-natal impulse control, no love without phone call, embarrassed of your uncle's sex dungeon, the solution to online dating and the longest dating profile we've EVER read. 

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or sent in from our wonderful listeners, and we answer them right here, right now on the topics of sex and also the topics of dating. And also the topics of topics. The topics of topics is actually getting bigger per episode. Eventually it will just be a topic podcast. Yeah. Dane, where else do... Oh, wait. Hold on. Oh, no. Guys, he's got two guns. What? He's pointing

one at me and he's pointing one through the microphone at you and he's got a third hand and it's holding a sign that says join our Patreon. Dane, you can't do that. I can do whatever I want. Okay. I'm telling them. Don't shoot me. Okay. He's, you can't do that. I can do whatever I want. Okay, I'm telling them. Don't shoot me. Okay, he's put the gun down for me.

Woo, he's still pointing. Now he's pointing two at you. Damn, he means business. I put the sign down and now I've got a third gun. Yeah, he's got three guns. So I guess you better join the Patreon if you want. But it's patreon.com forward slash F buddies. I'm pretty sure that is correct. I don't know.

I said it with so much confidence. We do an extra episode every month and some other benefits. And if you like us and you want to support us, we would love that. We also do live shows and we will let you know when that comes up. But I think it's time for questions. It is time for questions. This is by HiOnPaul. Say hi back, Dan.

That's rude. No. Is wanting a woman who doesn't want kids, has little to no social media presence, and who is introverted slash a homebody mean I have unrealistic standards? Hi, I've been struggling to date my entire life and I'm trying to reevaluate my standards to know if they're unrealistic and or unfair. With the few experience I've had, I realized that the three standards listed above are foundation for me to be compatible with a partner. However, I've dated women who are a combination of the three, but never all three. Unfortunately, all three seem

to be a requirement for me, as having kids is not something I want that much. Social media is a headache for me, and I enjoy staying inside. I've tried dating women who are the opposite of all three, and I still have the energy or care to handle it, despite trying to meet them halfway. This has become especially apparent after my recent breakup. I'm not the most experienced when it comes to women, so I'm here to gain a wider understanding in the spirit of self-improvement. The pool of women who are interested in me is unfortunately fairly low, as is, so I simply want to know if I'm handicapping myself to an excessive degree by committing to these three standards in the future. Of course, I'm fine with being alone, but that doesn't mean I don't want companionship. I mean, I think the big one, the big concern for me is the no social media.

I don't think it would be too hard. I know plenty of women who have no interest in having children, and I know plenty of women who would prefer just chilling at home watching a movie or a TV show and being cute at home. I don't think those are hard to find per se. for sure but i think requiring someone not to have social media because like the majority of our social interactions happen on social media now a lot of people use messenger and facebook and instagram messenger like all those platforms to stay in contact with the people like i i don't really like we don't even really text unless you're out and about and you don't have wi-fi right like that's the only time you and i like actually physically text i don't think there's a very small portion of people that i still send text messages to

yeah it's basically nobody and on top of that it's like if your future partner has any kind of like hustle which we all kind of have to have these days because the world fucking sucks it's like you need social media for that you know what if you want to like keep up to date on our live shows you need social media for that you know what i mean like there's a lot of shit out there like and the thing is i don't think not wanting to have kids is a red flag at all no i don't think wanting to being a little introvert or being a homebody is a red flag at all but i really don't like the social media one because you don't have to have it but you're upset that they do that's when he says oh it's a headache for me i don't like i don't get the sense that he's talking

about maintaining social media for himself i think what he's saying is it causes me anxiety and duress yes the partner that I'm currently with has social media. And let's face it, what it boils down to is like, I don't want other people looking at pictures of my partner. Yeah. Yeah. Or like, I don't trust my partner enough to have this secure line of communication to strangers.

I would love to sit you down and be like, why, what is it about social media? Because I think if you're going to be re-evaluating your standards i think that's the one you start at because i think not one of kids i'm not wanting to like you know and being a homebody i think those are those are more personality things right like those are just who you are great that's fine but you need to ask yourself the hard question of being like what is it about social media and what is it about my partner having social media that upsets me so much? Yeah. And I can almost guarantee you that question after you ask enough of the hard questions over and over again will probably be insecurity and jealousy.

For sure. There's no other reason. And the thing is, it's like, you know, the only peripheral problems I could see around that are like, oh, I'm a homebody. But when I'm at home, my partner is only looking at their phone. It's like, well, that's a different problem. Yeah. They could have candy crush. And that's you didn't mention that, you know?

Right. And it's like it's there's no different to like, would she be able to be like, cool, but I don't want you to play video games while we're at home. Mm hmm. Right. It's it's it's the same thing. So, again, I think that's not the problem. And I think you're entirely correct and it's jealousy or insecurity or some kind of like weird archaic like oh if you have like social media you're like an attention whore or something like it's some weird toxic

association with that that has no bearing on their partner and shouldn't and it needs to be evaluated there's this like podcast that i keep getting like recommended to me on tiktok no it's bad it's a bad one um and i don't know all the ones i see are yeah i don't know what it is i like i don't know what the name of the show is but it's usually like three sort of right-leaning douchebags and then like three sort of very attractive women of some sort of like instrument area like instagram or social media cloud and you mean they're just there to be punching bags for these right right wing men more or less every now and then like they'll have someone on who like clearly

has enough of a background in either debate or whatever they're talking about to hold their own but a lot of the times it's just sort of like they use like, you know, fallacy and fucking circular straw man logic and shit like that to just sort of like run circles around them to the point where they go like get a 30 second clip of them making the women look like idiots kind of thing. But one of the big things that like I'm constantly seeing are the guys being like, I refuse.

I will not date a woman with social media. That's the same as cheating. And just like, just just straight up i'm just like okay is that is that what we're going to be doing now because that's fine if you want to remove yourself from the dating pool from women who have social media that's great because you will never date yeah and also they don't fucking mean that i bet you we look them up right now we'd find out they have well maybe no partner because they seem like they suck but if they have a partner i bet you we could looked them up right now. We'd find out they have, well, maybe no partner because they seem like they suck. But if they have a partner, I bet you we can look them up right now.

Or also like, I'm sure the second they do hook up with someone, they would be very happy to be like, look how hot they are. Sure. And link to their Instagram. You know what I mean? Like I'm sure they would immediately want to, you know,

flaunt their partner's Instagram the second they had one. So the whole point of that just being like, there is this sort of like rise in equating women having social media with women lowering their value. Yes. And I, it's really dumb. It's stupid.

And, but like, this is one of those things where I don't really care too much because it's not going to stop women from having social media no it's going to stop men these people dating yeah which is great it's like you look at this and then you look at that giant like graph on the horizon that says men are having less sex than ever and you're like hmm no no correlation here yeah yeah so if these are fucking hard cells for you or they're like hard lines that you can't cross does it matter if you have unrealistic standards you know you're setting

yourself up to not date one way or another yeah yeah i mean like this is the thing so if you if this is absolutely something that you cannot deal with then pretending like it's not a problem isn't a solution either yeah i would examine that one but more importantly how are you going to find these women they don't need to leave the house because they don't have kids and they don't have social media yeah and they're not leaving the house because their home bodies good luck yeah yeah it's like okay are you are we including dating apps as social media because they definitely are well so you definitely used to need a facebook to get a tinder so yeah yeah seems we've we've poked a couple holes in your your ideology here

sir don't get weird about social media people just don't and again if if a woman has a social media presence that you're not comfortable with it's not her responsibility to taper that for your benefit. You are either cool with it or you're not. And that's sort of like the end of the line for it. Yeah. Unless it's objectively terrible. But like, I'm not even going to delve into that because what's the point? Yeah.

Like if she's doing OnlyFans or something and you're not cool with that, that's your problem. Yeah. That's not objectively terrible. I'm talking about like, I don't know if she's on. No, I know. If she's selling about like i don't know if she's on no i know selling people i don't know something terrible if she hey if your partner is a human trafficker yeah if she's like an etsy for humans or something yeah you could be like no you do have to in fact stop and also here's the police uh this is zesty close drama 44 had my first kiss and almost had sex. It'll happen again. How do I overcome the fear of licking vagina because I really don't want to?

I really have the worst gagging problem. The freaking worst. I can't even eat a little bit of black banana. Can't drink milk sip by sip. If something smells even a little when I'm eating it, I gag. Now I imagine I'm doing that in front of her while licking her vagina. LMAO. I have no idea how it tastes or smell and I'm scared that it'll be a bad experience for both

of us and specifically her and i'll embarrass myself what should i do damn so what you gotta do is you gotta get covid two months prior lose your sense of smell see i actually have a very strong sense of smell especially when i'm hung And like, there are certain things that will like really just look like if I'm hungover and I smell someone who's like, I'm out. It like really just grabs my nausea and just like twists it. And even like if something's gone off or slightly weird, I can always smell it.

And I fucking like, so I feel somewhat of this person's pain. Also you black banana. Well, I don't get the milk thing because milk's tight, but milk is disgusting because milk's tight. Milk is disgusting. It's the best.

It's so gross. This sucks, because this is a thing. I love that you're not... I thought this was going to be a toxic, like, oh, vaginas are gross. Yeah. And it's not that. It's like you are even having this with just normal things. And gross things like milk. And gross things like black bananas, which you can both agree on, right?

I mean, yeah, I'm not going to fight you on that one. Damn it. So this does suck because you might gag, and you're right. At least you have the foresight to know. This could be so bad for this person and yourself. It's going to be a bad, bad scene all around. And I don't know how you're supposed to turn off your nose if it's just like oh a smell if it is prevalent gets me yeah i see i don't even think this is a normal move but you could like bring flavored lube

and douse it first and make sure prior that it's a flavor you can get down with but i also think if this is your first time hooking up with someone you pull like strawberry lube on your back and just start going ham that's gonna be a weird move i think you have to talk to your partner about this i think you definitely have to like give them some foresight and being like look i you know hopefully they know you're a virgin and you know you you just bring it up and be like hey look i have the most aggressively bad gag reflex i you know basic smells stuff like that make me gag and i'm worried you gotta make sure when you talk about the smells don't say bad smells don't talk about no black banana talk about normal stuff that makes you gag you know what i mean if you're like oh i don't know fucking

chamomile tea smells pretty strong as chamomile tea makes me gag if you have normal stuff i don't liken their genitals to a rotting piece of fruit. That's a good direction you're going to. And if you have to make a little white lie and choose something that is quite nice, like if you're like, oh, you know, fresh pineapple, like really ripe pineapple, you know, like no one's going to be upset.

Like, you know, pineapple's delicious, cool. You don't like pineapple either? But like pick something that is sort of a pleasant sensation as, as now suggesting here and just let them know ahead of time and be like, look, here's my situation. I'm really nervous. Like,

I would love to do this for you. I really want to reciprocate or whatever, but I'm worried that this stupid, you know, nose mouth thing I have is going to give you the implication that I don't want to do it or I find it gross because it has nothing to do with you. It's everything to do with me. Just like it's just a weird sensitivity to to, you know, olfactory stimulation. Yeah.

And be like, it's nothing to do with my enjoyment of the said thing. It's just like, you know, and just be like, I don't even think it'll happen. I'm just worried that it might. And I don't want you to get the wrong impression. And it's super embarrassing to even have to say this, but I definitely just, you know, I care about you enough that I don't want things to go bad. Exactly. I think framing it in the sense of being like, I care enough about how you feel and how this

will affect you that I'm willing to embarrass myself now so that you aren't embarrassed later. And because that is sort of like my priority and the structure of how I feel about this scenario. And then you don't necessarily, I mean, oral sex is great and you should absolutely return the favor to your partner. But if it does get to the point where, you know, it's not something that you physically can do, you got hands, you got fingers. There are plenty of ways to warm up the oven and stimulate your partner without oral sex. And, you know,

I don't think there's a whole lot of people that I've hooked up with who have ever been upset that I've gotten them off with my finger over my mouth. Right? Yes. I think that like that becomes a problem. Maybe if you guys are dating forever and you're always like, hey, blow me and then you don't return. And even then it's like if you've talked about it, which presumably you're going to because you're mentioning your gag thing, you'll be alright. Getting someone off is way more important. Than the other things.

Because not enough people get enough women off. Or sorry not enough men get enough women off. Because women on women. I was going to say crime. It's not crime. It better not be. Women on women fun. Is statistically far more likely.

To get the other woman off, which is just a shame, man. It's collusion. It's nepotism. That's good. It's nepo baby. Yeah. So do your best to get them off regardless.

Set the stage beforehand and get COVID and ravage your nose. Don't do that. Don't do it. Are you ready? Yep. This one's going to be a little weird. Okay. Some might say awful.

Or I don't know. Well, yeah, it's not good. Okay. It's been deleted. My wife mentioned that breastfeeding our baby turns her on, and she has touched herself slash orgasmed. Is this okay? My wife of nine years and I have three kids.

One is a newborn. We were talking, and I asked her what breastfeeding feels like, and if she can feel the milk coming out, blah, blah, blah. She said it feels really good like when I do it and I asked if I turned her on and she said, yeah, sometimes. I admitted she played with herself until orgasm while breastfeeding. Kind of went with it because honestly, who am I to judge? I don't know if this is normal or if this is a problem or what i should do i mean i feel i'm my knee-jerk reaction is i am uncomfortable and i don't think it's great because yes there is a child involved in this situation but at the same time there are so many fucking hormones pumping through a postnatal person that i don't

know if i have the right to sit back and make those judgments, you know? Yeah, that's the thing. This is why, like, this question's weird because it is a very uncomfortable premise because I think anything involving kids and sexuality is pretty dicey at best. So I don't know. It's like my knee-jerk reaction is like, I'm not going to blame the arousal happening because as you said, there's a melange of fucking different like hormones and whatnot, but I don't know if taking the steps to pleasure yourself while you're doing it is cool. I don't think so.

I think it's very fucking weird. And I think if it was a guy doing this, I would be like, Whoa, a hundred percent. Not okay. Yeah. But I mean like we're not in the position to,

of course. Yes. You know, get aroused. Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah, it's... I don't know. I don't know where I stand on it.

And I'm going to defer to not having an opinion on it. I don't know. I think I'm standing with where I'm at, where, like, I'm not going to blame the hormones and the feeling, but I still think it's weird to express yourself sexually around children like that. Yeah. So I would say don't shame yourself for feeling that way

because it's kind of beyond your control. But like, don't do that. I don't know. It feels really wrong to do that. Yeah, because I mean, like, what's the difference between, you know, just basically being horny and masturbating while your child is in the room i think that is i think that is not a good thing to do and there's really no difference like

you're a grown adult hopefully you have the impulse control to be like i'm gonna put my baby down for a nap and then go to a separate room yes and then yes and i think that that's a very good point so don't shame yourself feeling that way, but don't do it during. Yeah. It's weird. This is quick surgery. There is no love without phone calls. A man who doesn't call you doesn't enjoy talking

to you. Every man has time for a quick phone call. A man cannot love you if he does not enjoy talking with you. Agree? No. No one likes phone calls. is this person a hundred there is no love without phone calls now i love that song is this person 100 years old maybe i don't know no i will say like i don't really like my what's the word i'm looking for anxiety no my ability to deal with phone calls varies wildly based on the person right you know i mean me and you get the call great yeah i don't care me and my partner getting a call yeah for

sure in fact i call my partner regularly if i'm like cycling home generally just to be like i'm coming home do you want me to grab any groceries or whatever or like do you want to meet somewhere or you know just see the lay of the, but also because cycling can be boring sometimes. And it's just like, whatever. So I do call my partner quite regularly, but like at this point, obviously the love is not in doubt. So I feel like you love your partner. Yes. Therefore there's no love with the phone calls.

Well, I get the impression that this person is talking about early days stuff um maybe i'm reading between some lines but it seems like they started dating someone and that person was like i don't want to fucking call you and they were like there is no love without phone calls agree agree i honestly i'm going to tell you right, at the end of the last episode that we recorded, I got a, like almost a two minute long voice note. And that was, that was someone's opening move on Bumble.

And it was so good becoming more and more prevalent where people are just hitting you with voice notes. And like, Hey, I'll tell you this. I've never listened to a voice note. People have sent me voice notes and I've never, I've never opened one.

Yeah. It's for me, it's you're on a dating app. If I'm in public or if I'm at work, I'm not listening to that. Right. I'm not opening up or playing a unhinged, like God only knows what the fuck you're saying

also and also it's a private it's a private communication that last voicemail you got was fucking wild too yeah i i don't want to go into it but we should have played it live i should have played it live they did unmatch me almost immediately when i was just like two minute voice though that's yeah two minute voice note they Yeah, two minute voice note. They immediately were like, hey, you're not looking for these things, but I am, so are we going to work? It's like, no, obviously not. And then they had, look, we don't like to shame people on here. We don't like to do it.

But like, their accent was wild. Yeah, it was very obviously a fake English accent. It was wonderful, though. Either way, the, this don't, if you want to call people, call people,

but like, and I understand that there is like a level of security you get from calling someone in a day and age where like anyone could be anyone online. Cool. I get it. But like, wait, if that is what you want to do,

like wait until you get past the sort of like, okay, we're actually going to meet up for a it. But like, wait, if that is what you want to do, like, wait until you get past the sort of like, okay, we're actually going to meet up for a drink and be like, Hey, do you mind if we have a quick call before we meet up just to, you know, just to secure my peace of mind that for me, I don't want to do it, but I will for again, your peace of mind. But if you think I'm going to get on a fucking phone call with every person i match with on online dating in order to you know verify my initial attraction to you i don't fucking time for that and i don't want to do it also i hate phone calls so like my best foot forward will not be coming out i'm gonna be awkward and there's gonna be so much dead air like

yeah i have a hard time talking on the phone to like people that i want to talk to or have no problem talking to i find it very hard because like for me like my focus is very weird so it's like if i'm on the phone i hate doing absolutely nothing so if i'm just sitting there staring into dead space on the phone i'm probably zoning out thinking about how bored and weird it is that i'm so stationary doing nothing that like i'm not paying attention or if there's a laptop nearby or anything i will see something interesting on facebook or on a fucking book and i will hyper focus onto it and be like oh this happened and while i'm hyper focused i haven't heard a fucking word you've said and then i'm a fucking asshole because i'm ignoring you and it's just like that's the the like where i'm kind of

like gyrating from it's like utter boredom and being distracted by how bored i am to like accidentally seeing something zoning in on it so hard that like i don't hear what you're saying so i end up just like pacing around like a psychopath trying not to let those things happen to me and that's fucking annoying because i'm just walking up just like pacing around like a psychopath, trying not to let those things happen to me. And that's fucking annoying. Cause there's walking up and down my apartment like a lunatic. Yep. And I would say like, like let's set both standards.

I don't think there's no love without phone call, but I also think as Dane said, there are definitely times when phone calls are necessary, advised, blah, blah, blah. So if you're dating someone who flat out refuses to answer or have a phone call with you, that's probably a red flag. But if you're dating purpose yeah who flat out refuses to answer

or have a phone call with you that's probably a red flag but if you're dating someone who's like you need to call me every day you need to call there's no love without phone call that's also a red flag you know because like if you're dating presumably you're going to see each other soon enough so like do you need a phone call that badly all the time if you do there's probably something else wrong right and you're also ignoring the fact that like phone calls aren't the only means of talking anymore like you're saying like oh if he doesn't enjoy talking to you it's like i can text you we can we can text and that's talking like we're communicating right now. And that's fine. That is a,

I might honestly, my preferred way of communicating from, you know, distance. So like I, there's, there seems to be a, a,

a disconnect of like what you think is meaningful communication, because I promise you that if you are forcing someone to have these phone calls on a regular basis, they're going to say far less even if they're saying more words. Yes. That makes sense, right? They're just going to be talking for the sake of talking and they're going to do what I end up doing and just

be like, Oliver is being really cute right now. Yep. He just jumped on the bed sitting beside me. Oh, he's headbutting the pillow now. It's because I'm like, I got nothing to to say that's half our conversations what the fuck it's all my conversations on the phone yeah well he is fucking cute i get it but yeah it's i i do not agree how about that disagree disagree okay okay this is cheesy meow girl i female 26 have been talking to someone male 34 for two months and they won't let me see their bedroom should female 26, have been talking to someone, male 34, for two months,

and they won't let me see their bedroom. Should I be worried? I'm talking to someone slash slowly dating someone who won't let me see their bedroom. I know it sounds silly, but due to being hurt in the past, I tend to have trust issues. I've been on three dates with this person, and we FaceTime almost every day and text all the time and have been talking for two months. He has said he wants to be serious with me one day and sees us being in a relationship, but taking things slow.

On our third date, we went out for drinks and he booked a hotel. We did sexual stuff, but no sex as he wasn't ready. I didn't question coming over to his at all and didn't mind the hotel. He lives with his uncle, but always FaceTimes me in his uncle's bedroom. I asked why and he just said, there's no particular reason. I asked if I could see his bedroom on FaceTime and he said no because he said it's messy. I told him I don't care about mess and don't judge. Eventually he downright refused and said he just isn't ready

to show me his room, even if it is clean. Is this something I should be worried about? So far there's no red flags or anything to be wary of, so I'm wondering if he's hiding something or if I'm being dramatic. I don't want to constantly ask him or make him feel uncomfortable. I mean, this is definitely suspicious. I don't think you're

incorrect in having some pings of this isn't right have you my big question is have you seen the uncle has there has there been any proof actual proof of this uncle who lives with them because what i'm guessing what i'm what i'm putting in here is wife that yeah he's he's got a partner and the room is very obviously a room that is not a single man's room and there is like a side bedroom or a guest bedroom that he goes to hang out in that's his uncle's bedroom because like why rent a hotel like that's the most suspicious thing ever yeah it's like part of me understands not bringing someone home and railing them when you live with a family member

but also, you're 32? Or... yeah, 34. It's like, your uncle's he knows, man. He knows what's going on. Yeah. So I think there's a very simple step and I would love to know if you've taken it and what the result is and that is just

okay. That's fine. It's messy. Clean know if you've taken it and what the result is. And that is just, okay, that's fine. It's messy. Clean it and we'll do it next time. Right. I could understand it being messy in the moment. It's not, it's not messy because he just said,

I'm not ready to show you. So the mess isn't the mess. Isn't the, Oh, I guess. Yeah. Even if it isn't is clean, then just be like,

Hey, you know, that's sus as fuck. Right. I bet you it's, well, it's probably wife, but it could also be

embarrassing haunted doll wall yeah or I mean there's an anime display case yeah there's a whole waifu pillow collection you know I mean like there's any number of things that could be going on here but I think I don't think there's any harm

in calling him out you've gone on what three Three dates. Yeah. That's, that's not enough time to really worry. If this blows up in your face, like if you're like, Hey,

I've, you know, it's, it's a bit suspicious that we're going to a hotel that you refuse to show me your room. That makes me a little nervous. And I've been into like, again,

you can lie a little bit about this and be like, I've been in situations like this before. And there's been another person. There's been a partner and i've been you know and i've been the other woman and i don't want to do that again i would like some assurances that that's not the case and if the dude is still like you cannot see my room i would just be like okay well like if you can't trust me to like you're willing to take me to a hotel but i can't see your room through a digital fucking screen like that's crossing a line for you it's like how is how is me going to a hotel with you and fooling around not on the same par as getting a visual representation of where you sleep

yeah if they're not chill enough to get where you're coming from and give you something and again depending on that something you might still not trust them but then yeah they fucking suck and it's like just what's the point because it's still then makes a great point it's early days better to get out now than to you know really get involved and then be the other woman or then realize something maybe he has like a 50 shades of gray dungeon and he actually can't let her see it until she signed the Fifty Shades of Grey contract. My man just has a room full of sex wings and he's like I can't. I have a problem.

And that's why if it's messy, you really don't want to see it. Maybe it is the uncle's house. And this was the uncle's previous dungeon. And he was like, ah, my fucking asshole nephew has to come. He's like, I'm not taking these down. They're staying up. This is a temporary situation,

Greg. So once you're out of here, this is back into Uncle Steve's play place. Greg's 34. There's no way he's gonna be here long. Yeah. So, press. That's the thing. Like, I hate when people are timid around these things. They're like, oh, like, maybe I go online

and someone, like, has a secret way to suss it out. It's like press, stand your ground and demand an answer. And if you don't get one fucking leave, like you're allowed to do that. And I'm a firm believer. And I know that like on this show, we've seen people and their gut instincts be so fucking wrong. But at the end of the day, you have to follow your gut because you either don't trust this person uh just inherently and that's bad you shouldn't be with someone you don't trust anyway or you have a gut feeling that's telling you that something is wrong and you're not following it right so like

either way you should listen to your gut and be like i don't trust this person for whatever fucking reason whether it's my own goddamn hangups or whatever, and you're doing both of yourselves a favor for bailing, or there is enough evidence there that makes you feel suspicious about something, and you're like, okay, cool, I'm actually gonna bounce because something's not right here. So follow your gut. If it feels weird and he's not willing

to give you a little bit of, you know, give you some information or reasons, then for sure, get out of here i was gonna save this for a live show but i i just want to talk about it so bad i've been thinking about it a lot uh this is ravenous fox irl and online dating hybrid so i'm thinking about having a bunch of business cards with basic online dating profile description printed on them with a google phone number i even might make one

of those free websites create a dating profile have a qr code on the card then i could just go around and hand them out to any girl i find attractive as a girl would this be completely weird or would you be intrigued i figured it'd be cheaper than a membership for a dating site and it might reach some girls who might be into the or not be into the whole online dating scene this man out here living in 2039 he's i like that he's trying to like combine everything and narrowcast it but also do the like in the worst way in each case yeah like he's not like oh here's a good way in each case it's like no i no, I'm going to pick the worst of this. You don't like online dating? Hey, here's my cheap, shitty version of online dating I made where it's just Greg. Oh, you're walking around and like I could give you my number, which would effectively be the same thing and you wouldn't call me.

Here's something that's even weirder for you to do. Here's a QR code with my business. Like, you're going to look so lame, Greg. Yeah, there's no way that you could do this. And well, there is a way you could do it in a cool way, but you would have to be cool to do it. And something tells me not exactly, not exactly the flavor that you exude in the first place. Yeah. It feels like to be able to pull this off, you wouldn't need to pull this off. Yeah. Like I think that if you and I were given a challenge to be charming with a dating business card, I think we could do it.

But I don't think the business card would have any metric of success. I think it would just be the fact that that's the icebreaker. If we did it, we would do it in spite of the cards. Yeah. You know what I mean? The card would not add a single goddamn thing it's not like someone will be like i don't know this guy but i will scan his dodgy qr code that brings me to his face i guess like i want to see this fucking website though i want

to see the website so badly because immediately whenever anyone pitches something like this i imagine like a like early 2000s geocity site with like animated gifs and like there's like a midi song in the background yeah it's basically just a myspace profile yeah he's hdmi not hdmi hdml himself yeah um he's got flaming text oh for sure you know what and again there's a way you could do that and have it be really good honestly i i know several women who would love that and again this whole thing like i think the only way forward with this is to kind of make a giant joke out of if you're serious in any way other than to be jokingly serious no if you're kind of taking the piss out of the whole thing

and then they get to your website and it's also kind of a joke maybe but again that involves you having the self-awareness comedy and fucking like skill to pull all these things off all three of which are desirable things and a partner which you would make it not hard and you wouldn't need to do this yeah because it doesn't sound like you are chatting with these ladies and then like when you feel a vibe with someone you're like like, hey, here's my dating card. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you're not pulling that.

It sounds like you're literally like walking through the street and be like, hot card, hot card, which is so fucking weird. And unless that card is the funniest fucking thing that anyone's ever made, I don't think you you're gonna see a single goddamn return on it no it's also a like it's a desperate move yeah you know and it looks that's and again if you are going up to women and talking to them to the point where they're down to get your card guess what you could have just given them your number just get their number right like and you save yourself a lot of money on Squarespace or whatever. Yeah. And man hours in which you could have spent that time doing push-ups instead of – you could have gotten yourself an iosa of abs. Yeah.

I just love the idea of sitting there and then the business getting the QR codes and the cards printed out and then you know building this website it's just like oh it's gonna be so bad as people who've done websites and done business cards like it's not it's not inexpensive yeah i'm gonna tell you right now it's well i don't know dating sites can be fucking pretty unreasonable well you could also just have a free profile yeah that's the other thing it's like you don't have to pay i mean definitely we've we've done the expose of being like you know a lot of these apps do sort of for for real results you do you do need to like kind of drop some money but you could also just like every couple months you know a lot of them have uh weekly like i think bumble you can do by day as well so like fuck it

get on bumble and like every other week, throw down five bucks or whatever and see what's up. But this isn't going to work because if it was going to work, you would, you would have no problem. That's the only way, like the only way this works is if you are charismatic and confident enough to make it work. And the reason you're considering this is presumably because you, you are lacking in those categories.

So it's a catch-22. Unless you're like the Zook and you're going to start a whole... You're just going to blow up and it's going to be like, Face Date. I made Face Date. I'm Gregory Face Date. But I mean, again, still... No, I know. It's not going to work. Mark Zuckerberg is not exactly known for his... I believe he's known for people fully believing he's a lizard.

So yeah. One more? Let's do one more. My ex has broken up with me three times. Why do I still want to get back with her? I've always had the same feelings towards her, but she said she's over me, but then we'll be with me again. It's so painful.

After our last breakup, she wondered why I wasn't trying to court her. And after all this, I still want to be with her. Hey, this is bad for you, for her, for everyone, probably for your friends. Almost definitely worse for your friends. Oh,

they hate it. Because they have to listen to this shit every, you know, three weeks or whatever. Terrible. Garbage. Also, like, they have to support you when you're sad that you broke up without being like,

thank fuck, because they know you're going to get back right with her. And then when you're like, we're back together, they have to be like, eh, and they've got that frozen smile and like okay we're gonna go so the reason that we do this is because it's safe and it's you know like we we go through rotations of being like we we stay with people who aren't great for us because they're comfortable they're safe they're they're what we're used to, and we're familiar. And then when we break up with people,

we want them back because we miss that comfort. We miss those things. And you always want the thing that you can't have, right? It's why most people are like, think that their exes are a lot hotter or they begin fantasizing or, you know, like you could have not had sex with your partner for a year before breaking up because, you know, of a dead bedroom situation or lack of attraction or whatever. But the second you break up, you know like you could have not had sex with your partner for a year before breaking up because you know of a dead bedroom situation or lack of attraction or whatever but

the second you break up you're like god i want to fuck them and it's like well cool um thanks brain but it's it's all like psychology of being like you know our body or our brain wants what we can't have and then when we have it it's it's safe and comfortable so like that's what you're going through right now it's not because this is a good relationship. If it was a good relationship, you wouldn't have broken up three times. Yeah. It's also lack of self-esteem and lack of self-worth because like you're going back to this person, presumably because you don't think you can find somebody else. Because this person is manipulating you if they're like, oh, I'm done with you.

Like, oh, no, I want you back. No, I'm done with you again. No, you're just kind of like a bomb to their ego at this point and you haven't done the hard work of trying to get over them which is to feel that void that you're trying to fill and to fill it with other hopefully better things and to move on but like obviously this isn't fucking working out yeah it's you know the the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result like if do you really want to be with someone who's so who could drop you at the the you know drop of a hat and just be like no i'm all i'm over you now

i don't care about you anymore like she's proven that she's at best willing to manipulate you for her own self-esteem and ego and at worst doesn't care about you at all yes that's that's not someone you want to be in a relationship with let alone someone you should be even like giving an ounce of your time or energy to so just move on break up it's easier said than done but it's far easier than spending your life in this weird, shitty purgatory. And like, if they're the ones doing the breaking up and the like, you know, if they are manipulating you or they do not care about you, they're going to move on way quicker than you are at this rate. And that's going to hurt you so much more when you're still pining and left and you've wasted all this time doing nothing. Yeah.

All right. Profile review time. It is time for some tinders at the end of the episode we like to hop onto online dating platforms such as tinder bumble and hinge and peruse the profile see what works see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable and we got a a wild one sent into us we did get the wild one i'll start off with a listener yeah i'm gonna pull it open right here god that picture is scary that picture is so i will say thank you for sending it in but you sent

the message to our email from your phone somehow like as a text well they did they did send it to us on instagram first but as like a timed thing so when i opened it they closed i was like either way send it still a wild move because i get onto this fucking email not knowing what was happening and there's just like an email from you know a nine digit fucking code and then when i click in expecting it to be a virus there's this horrifying face no offense to the person who maybe needs offense i haven't read the profile yet either way yeah it was a very suspicious looking email. I don't know. I don't even know what app this is.

I have no idea what platform they're using here or even what their name is. It looks like. But regardless, I am dot dot dot is the way the profile starts, like based in the actual platform. I do not play video games.

We're off to a good start already. I don't really know how to describe myself. I guess my friends would say I'm funny, intelligent, and creative. Most of them are liars, though. Crooks, too. I don't know where to begin. Let me see. Might as well get the boring stuff out of the way. I have a house. I have a car. I have a job. I have a Costco membership. After many years, Toronto, I decided to bail on the toxic metropolis and bought a house in the exotic city of Guelph. It's real quiet here. I don't imagine I'll meet someone down the street, so I'm open to meeting someone somewhere. I work for a US tech company doing computer stuff. Currently, I'm commuting to Toronto every day, but will be

splitting my week up with some remote days next year or next year year i've spent the majority of my career working remotely because i don't really like offices or commuting or meetings or bullshit way back in the day i went to art school and computer school math is in my head art is in my heart the battle rages on but i try to be both machines i make comic strips not to be confused with comic books capes and tights are not my scene. I spend my free time writing comics in coffee shops and work late into the night putting strips together. It is terrifying. It is fun. Sadly, I've been on a bit of a creative hiatus as of late. I'm in a percolation mode, but I haven't expired yet. I've also secretly started to make music, but I don't really want to talk about that. I'm slightly obsessed with food. I've been known to

read recipes in the bathtub. Nothing sexy about this, except maybe the recipes. Hefeweizens with banana finishes. Malbec that tattoo your tongue. Vodka in a coffee cup. Ah yes, the fine art of drinking. I only exercise so I can eat more. I'm down to date

at the grocery store. I make comics. I make music. I make food. I like to make stuff. What else is going on? I run. What you learning? Jesus Christ. The dough. I'm currently Holy shit. Oh boy. I still have two more slides of this. I'm currently embracing and decoding

the financial sector. It's an icy cold demon, but it warms up longer you hold on to it. Kind of like picking up your average cat. So what's the serious deal? I'm looking for someone to it. Kind of like picking up your average cat. So what's the serious deal? I'm looking for someone long-term. I would like to get to know you. Does anyone want to online date? Do words and pictures on the screen honestly reflect who you really are? I'd rather meet in person and see if there's a good connection. I hope I don't come off as cold, but I have absolutely zero interest in having children. I'd rather be creating, exploring, and learning new things. I realize that this is jumping the gun, but I'd rather be upfront about

my lack of interest in procreation, and I hope most ladies my age would appreciate my honesty. Update. I don't want to have kids. Please don't message me or go on a few dates with me hoping to change my mind. Imagine if you wanted to have kids and I tried to date you and convince you not to have them. I would never do that. Please be respectful of my beliefs and I'll be respectful of yours. In brackets, I really, really hated writing the last paragraph, but I'm sort of out of gas with online dating. So what kind of lady are you looking for? I'm attracted to anyone intelligent, down to earth, kind, honest.

If you're an artist, writer, engineer, musician, outsider, sort of a fuck up, or a total fuck up, or you have something passionate you you're pursuing i'd be totally interested in hearing from you best of luck and then there's two more like prompts and it says i like dot dot dot think i appreciate when my date dot dot dot laughter i love when my date laughter all my thoughts from the start are gone because that took seven episodes to get through yeah hey fucking i i don't think we've ever had to say this before the sheer length of that profile is such a red flag that's the longest profile by far we've ever read it's longer than most bad sex writing yeah i i was getting tired halfway through we you don't know this because the you know we we edit the episodes but i did we we went and had dinner we took a break yeah it's a movie we went and had a drink a tight 5k jog together

yeah and then we came back to finish it because it was so goddamn much like and it's funny because there are like i don't know there's a a lot of like weird bitterness and like anger running through the whole thing and there's a lot of douchery they really love to like some stuff it's like it's almost poetic or almost well written or like almost clever like malbec the tattoos the tongue i bet you he stole it off fucking anthony bourdain and thinks it's the coolest fucking thing he's ever said you know it's pretension it's very pretentious that's what i meant by the douchebaggery right yeah like the whole thing drips with this like pretentious just like insufferable you know he interrupts women you know you know what i mean

like you know he fucking will the second you say anything he doesn't agree with he'll talk over you you know he's gonna constantly do everything he can to bring up i mean just like with the music right like oh i'm secretly making music but i don't want to talk about it you know bring it up bro you literally didn't need to and it's not like you were hurting for words yeah it's not like you were under the the word cap limit on this bad boy hey guess what he's gonna be pissed if you don't bring it up yeah i'm and that's like that's kind of like the vibe i get right like he's going to he'll the whole time he'll just keep mentioning like oh i had a good

croatian wine you know oh oh you know oh that's what they do in croatia just like hoping that he can talk about the one trip he went to croat You know what I mean? Like, it just seems like he's never going to listen to what you're going to be saying. And we'll always be thinking of like the next thing that he's going to say at you. Also like the, the weird, like self hate thing where it's like,

I make comic strips, not comic books, capes and tights are not my scene. It's like a strip and a comic book are really just the difference is length length you could make a comic strip about a superhero in fact i see a lot of comic strips about dnd parties for example i also see comic strips about cats and fucking you know death it could be anything so it's really weird that you're hating against your own it's like it's so pretentious also like comic

books like archie's a comic dude and it's not a superhero like like comic books don't have to be superhero things look at fucking like scott scott pilgrim yeah right like like any number of we could go through a list of things that aren't fucking superheroes so it's like cool you're trying to put yourself forward as like knowledgeable and intelligent creative it's like you don't even know anything about the your own fucking medium you're writing in i would love to like is he just like cranking out his own homemade marmadukes like what that's the yeah i would love to know i would love to see these i'll bet they are terrifying in fact it is terrifying creative hiatus i'm in percolation like fuck off i don't know i read

recipes in the bathtub yeah what's what is that why what are you what are you talking about what is this this is our only tinder segment where we're gonna do one profile because it was so fucking long what does it mean nothing is sexy about this vodka in a coffee cup you think you're so cool what does that mean you can afford real cups you're you're aged uh had a great time reading this profile i didn't it was long and i'm tired now hey did you know the financial sector is an icy cold demon but it warms up kind of like your average cat what what cats are you finding why are they so cold thank you very much for listening friends that goes that's gonna do it for us this week um we appreciate you like we

said we have uh another live show on the way we're gonna figure it out and we'll get you the info as soon as we have it um other things to know we're gonna be at fan expo toronto uh the weekend of the 24th we're also going to be doing a live show there, but it'll be for our other podcast, No Quest for the Wicked. If you want to see us do a tight 45-minute D&D session, I think you'll really enjoy it. It's going to be a fun heist caper. We're going to have the whole crew of boys there. It's going to be a lot of fun,

and we'll be spending a lot of time at the Canadian Podcast Awards booth. So if you want to come hang out with us and say hello, we would love to see you. We'll sign things if you want. We did some of that last time. Yeah, we did our first signatures ever in March at Comic-Con, and that was wild. And fuck it, I'll do it again.

I'll be slightly more prepared this time maybe. But we would be happy just to say hello, shake your hand, high-five you. Yeah, you want a little hug? You want a little fist bump? You want a little awkward wave from the middle of a packed floor? We'll do it all. We'll do it all. But yeah, we're there, I think, all weekend. We might not be there Sunday.

For sure, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And we're going to do a little meet-and-greet after the show on Thursday, too. Yeah. So, we'll love to see you please please come please support us you don't want to do our tight 45 minutes in an empty room be so sad I'll be having so much fun I won't even know that's gonna do

it um Josh Eagle in the harvest seas for the song paper stars also Dan I fully wasn't fucking done talking about that goddamn profile it is gonna get up a zero though yeah it's bad. And thank you for sending that in, because that was, it was so awful, but also so good.

So good. You did well. For all you other Tinder hunters out there, fucking send them on in. It could be your own, it could be a good one, it could be a bad one. Hit us. No, you have to hit us with some bad sex writing. Oh, I forgot about that part. Uh, this is to hit us with some bad sex writing. Oh, I forgot about that part. This is from Baldur's Gate 3.

Oh, I know what this is, I bet. Do you? Maybe. This is a book you can find in InGame, and its description is, An unfinished love story, handwritten by Arfur Gregario, whose name is attached to the bottom of every page. Her ample bosoms fluttered like dove's fingers,

brushing against his nails. The very ends of his mustache stood to attention as the fire stirred behind his eyes. No doubt this was love. Love. Ah, love. The stuff that dreams are made of. It made him sweat to think of it. The graceful, enduring, blossoming magnitude of what it all. The priceless, breathless, weightless, sheer romping joy of it.

God, I can't wait to play this game. So excited. Fluttering dove's fingers? They don't have them. weightless sheer romping joy of it god I can't wait to play this game so excited fluttering dove's fingers they don't have them you don't know that in this world they might thank you very much

for listening my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Payne we've been your fuck buddies