F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 26 - Unintentional Sploshing

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

We're back to our regularly scheduled podcasting!  Last week we took a break from the usual format to celebrate 25 episodes, but now we've jumped right back into that dirty, sticky sex advice you crave.  This week, for some reason, Dain's acting education saves the day.  Dain's hungover and Niall just won't stop yelling, or at least, it feels like he's yelling.  Is he yelling?  Topics include after sex sheet wipe, revenge threesome, tongue exertion, shitty condom Houdini, ruined meat sheath, the phrase to finish him with.

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I am Dave Miller And we are your fuck buddies We turn your sexy sticky situations

into sticky sexy situations. Stop this. We've switched sides in the room and by room I mean closet. And by closet he means podcast studio. Yes, our studio. Cheers.

Thanks, now. So in the hit movie, Shall We Dance? You think that's going to scare me? Bring it on. Talk to me. Say all those things about Shall We Dance. Yeah, well, honestly, I couldn't even remember the name of the movie. Yeah, hey guys, how are you doing?

Welcome back. Oh, boy. What? I thought I was over with my hangover, but... Oh, Dane's hungover. I don't think I am. Which is funny, because you've been hungover doing this. I don't think I've ever been hungover hungover. I don't think I... Yeah. Which is funny, because you've been hungover doing this. I don't think I've ever been hungover doing this.

I don't think I've been hungover. You've been hungover many times doing this, maybe. You're the worst. Yeah. Anyway, yeah. How are you? Apart from being hungover. I'm okay.

I had an excellent night last night. Excellent. As per my hangover. Cool. Yeah. I ate Kobe's Smell of Meats with some boys. We went out for some drinks. Hell yeah.

We did the typical boy stuff. We talked about how to have healthy relationships. Great stereotyping. And we talked about being comfortable and complimenting one another. One of the bartenders was actually impressed by that. I'm glad. Yeah. People need to do it more.

Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Well, should we hop straight to it? Yeah. I felt like I had something I wanted to talk about, but. Well, it's usually bullshit anyway. It doesn't matter.

Yeah. A hundred percent. No. I think we should start off with a user submitted question. God damn you. Yeah. Let's do it. All right.

So unfortunately, like a lot of people just like verbally or like tell me a story and they're like yeah put that to the podcast so i have to like put in my own words so it's never as good but basically she's been sleeping with a guy and uh lately has realized that every time they fuck at his place actually they've only fucked at his place but every time after what he does he just he pulls out he rolls over and he just wipes his dick clean on the sheets and it's starting to bother her and he claims that every time he does that he washes the sheets immediately after which means either that he doesn't have that much sex or he's bullshitting or he just has like the cleanest

sheets maybe i don't know in the fucking city i mean like and she's wondering is that cool is that He's bullshitting. Or he just has like the cleanest sheets. Maybe. I don't know. In the fucking city. I mean like. And she's wondering, is that cool? Is that normal? Is that okay? Oh man.

Uh, no. Yeah, it's not. It's not okay. I was trying to think. I was like, no. Cause like there are times where if you're with a squirter and they, they do a number, it's like. Yeah. You change your sheets.

You have to. Yeah. True. But like that, that's not a on purpose thing, you know? Yeah. She was like, hold on. I'm just going to just like shove the sheets up there and got nice and dry afterwards. Well, I was, I was equating it to like sex fluids or sex fluids or sex fluids.

Right. So like whether it's intentional splashing or unintentional splashing. But yeah, no, I think, I think there needs to be a little bit more respect. Like, it would be like fucking on the couch and just, like, grabbing one of your throw pillows. Exactly. And cleaning it up. And that's the thing. Like, firstly, when he ever comes to your place, literally, that's going to suck.

But secondly, like, it's just indicative of, like, massive amounts of laziness. It's your house. You could just have a tissue or, like, a cloth or anything next anything next to bed or just get up and go to the bathroom yeah it's such an easily avoidable problem and it's just like i don't know i wouldn't do that like i like i understand the need for like post cleanup like i'm i'm one of those people who like kind of wants to like clean up immediately um i just use a fucking tissue yeah I know that's not like

like you run the risk of like it you know getting caught and stuck and everything and embarrassing yourself in the cabin you just broke into but I mean like

but also fuck it fuck it yeah it's like it's not a big deal like you can just like it's not like you have to not look at it like

yeah if a little bit gets stuck it doesn't matter just take it off yeah no I just I don't understand that because stuck it doesn't matter just take it off yeah no i just i don't understand that because like i wouldn't i just wouldn't do that and like again if a bit gets on whatever uh if like things happen whatever but like just intentionally being like well let's

get it nice and you know nappy because then you have to worry what else is he rubbing his dick on? It's the thing, right? Like, okay, so there's, you know, she's, you're hooking up your place now and not his place. Like, what if you're like, oh, hey, can you, like, maybe head into the washroom and clean up? Yeah, but what's between your room and the washroom? Your carpet. And your cat? Mm-hmm. Why is your cat suddenly Krusty and not just his name? If you get to the bathroom, there's towels and bath mats.

There's plenty of fabric things. There's your toothbrush. Yeah. So, like, God only knows what the fuck he's going to use to be like. Because, like, I don't want to sleep in a bed of gum. That classic Bon Jovi. This is my favorite Bon Jovi. Damn it.

Yeah, nobody. And that's another thing is, like, if it's over your side, sure. But, like, if it's just kind of, like, general bed, like, it could be anywhere. You might be the one sleeping in a slightly, a cooling patch of cum. You don't want to have that slow crust forming. And, like, depending on if they're wearing protection or not, like, that's also her juices as well. Oh, yeah. So, if he's seeing other people, that's a whole cocktail.

That's just a whole menagerie. Yeah, that is a... That's just a juice. That's a human juice cocktail right there. It's just crust city. And I don't know... I don't know if I'd want to be a part of that. Yeah, it's like very multi-crustural, but...

Yeah, I just think, no, it's not a thing. Don't do that, guys. I mean, you know what? It's his fucking apartment. Like, go for it. If that's your thing. But, like, I really want to know what happens when he stays over at her place,

or, like, when they fuck at her place. Like, that's... Well, it hasn't happened, and apparently it now will not ever happen again um i think that whole situation is over with for a variety of reasons there including just post cleanup yeah just you know bedcomery yeah i don't but yeah i actually was really interested like is that just his his move Is that his thing? You know? Also, I want to know whether he keeps eye contact while he does it.

Because I imagine he does. So he rolls over and then gives the, like, over-the-shoulder look. Yeah, yeah. Like, coy. All you can see is his butt and his eyes. What am I doing over here? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe he's just, like, acting like he's just giving it a quick jerk.

Or maybe he, like, maybe he thinks no one knows. Maybe he's like, look, it's Magic Littlene. Oh, what happened there? Yeah, maybe he's just, like, so self-conscious about, like, you know, that last little bit of cum that, like, always waits. Little, like, meerkats out to say hello a few weeks later. Maybe that's his thing, where he's, like, he's so self-conscious about it because he's not, like, you know, maybe he thinks it all is supposed to come out in one like glorious porn star load. The thing is he's missing like the perfect rom-com move. What do you mean on her?

Yeah, you get the little bit and you get them on the nose like you're painting the apartment, right? Or you like Simba her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you have to do. And that's the most upsetting part is that he's missing that, right? That's the key to any healthy relationship. You you gotta do the rom-com nose boop with with come on your finger yeah like you're painting your apartment for the first time always happens boop i understand the point you're trying to make now i'm glad i i thought you meant that like

there is a specific like sex maneuver called painting the apartment. And that is just... Oh, there is, though. I'm sure there is. But it's totally different. I didn't realize that you were thinking about that montage where they're doing something, like cooking or whatever. It's like, oh, you get a little bit of sauce.

Exactly. No, that's exactly it. I didn't. I didn't make that connection. Well, next question. All right, let's do it. This comes from Reddit user user mude evil okay oh i think it's supposed to be like medieval okay um boyfriend wants revenge threesome my boyfriend almost agree already wants a threesome because i had one years ago male female female

and friends uh with friends before i met him uh i never enjoyed it and things got awkward he says because i did it he wants to but the thing is i was single i really don't feel the type of girl to do this when i'm in a relationship i would hurt him as much as it would hurt me if the third party were the opposites of our sex i would never have done this if I had met him. Yeah, no, this is... What? This doesn't make any sense. Yeah, no, so I, like...

Wait, you went to Italy four years ago? Now you need to take me to Italy. But I didn't know you, and also I saved up my own money. Now you need to pay for my Italy trip. Yeah. Oh, hey, uh, wait, did you, did you order pizza from my favorite pizza place like four years ago? No.

Now you owe me a pizza. I didn't know you though. Doesn't matter. You owe me a fucking pizza. God damn it. I'm not, I'm sick of your revenge pizzas. I can't do this every Wednesday. That's just like how you rationalized everything in a relationship.

Well, kind of, I guess this person is now like they're totally different situations. If like last week she was like yo heads up i had a threesome and he was like the fuck and she was like oh and he's like well i'm gonna call quits and have one with me that would be one thing it would be a terrible situation but yeah you can't just bully someone into like a threesome because you're upset that you haven't had one and apparently like where's the line end yeah like oh you you once went down on someone for 10 minutes like i need it now yeah i'll get the stopwatch yeah go oh you've done anal once and you hated it well and that's another thing it's not like yeah she didn't even enjoy the threesome so it's like you're just being and like it wouldn't make it better if she did

but it definitely makes it worse that she didn't so it's like not only am i gonna bully you into doing something but i'm gonna bully you into something you don't didn't enjoy yeah no what the fuck yeah this is this is like one of those things where we've had a lot of instances with um like women being manipulative on our on our show and i i thought it would be a good chance to like flip the script a bit um because we had like a bunch of the like the wedding and the relationship yeah kind of bullying but this is kind of like one of those things where like he feels so entitled that he's like yeah like her sexual experiences need to like equate to his yeah and like there's this weird sort of like insecurity

that he he isn't as like sexually valid anymore in the relationship because he and now it's her problem that he isn't yeah it's baffling uh people need to realize that like what has gone on before a relationship means nothing to your relationship I said that word so slowly I just quit slow motion yeah um like what you have no like it has nothing to do with you like fuck off it'd be one of those things like it would be like no different than if someone was like what's your number you know what I mean it's like oh now I get to sleep with seven people oh you oh you've slept with 10 people great like well I'm only at six so I get to go sleep with four more people Oh, you've slept with ten people? Great. Like, well, I'm only at six, so I get to go sleep with four more people

just so we're on, like, this weird sexual parody. I have five, so I can be one ahead because I deserve it because you've had ten this whole time.

Yeah. No. Yeah, the beginning and endings of a relationship, like, your relationship is that in which you, like, started. Yeah.

And it doesn't even necessarily mean, like, when you met that person because, like, if you're in an open relationship or, like, you know, thatdating thing it's like they're still allowed to do whatever they want and also just like bullying or browbeating people into doing anything in a relationship that's shit that's real shit and especially when it's like something sexual and something like yeah actually quite personal that they also do not like basically a way for you to just wrangle in another person to fuck yeah it's like no you can't just like lawyer through and be like well it's not cheating because you agreed you know

like fuck off if you want to fuck other people and the relationship yeah yeah and it's like there's nothing wrong i do want to say this like there's nothing wrong with having threesomes oh no but you need to both want it yeah if everyone is on board with it and you guys have the parameters there's also nothing wrong with fucking other people in relationships if that's agreed upon right if that's yeah if you have that that structure in place in your relationship that's fine but there's always something wrong with bullying or like trying to like finagle your way into shit uh like that's not cool no matter what it is you know what i mean but especially when it's something of this kind of nature it's like people who who uh who are

dating someone who's very like pretty much monogamy is really their only option or their only like preferred option and people who like you know get that that that itch to go explore and then they try to like push polyamory on them. Yeah. And it's like... That's your thing, not mine. That's not everyone's. So it's like, you can either move on from this relationship or figure... You know what I mean?

I feel like in this situation, it's time for a hard line. What the fuck are you doing? Talk through and be like, you realize you're being completely irrational and it's not nice. And talk to them and see if they go okay yeah i get it they probably won't and if they don't then you probably need to get out of that relationship because he's not gonna magically stop just want like wanting that you know i mean he's not one

day i'm like okay i tried whatever back to normal healthy relationship yeah and the entitlement he's feeling probably means he's gonna be able to like shrug aside other things because he's like, well, you did this. Yeah. So it's always going to be a bargaining chip. Yeah. What did you do last night with that girl? Does it matter? You had that threesome five years ago.

That's the thing. It's like, is he then going to be like, oh, well, you're not going to have it with me. Is he then going to go out on his own time and construct? Or is he entitled to another partner because you had two? It's insane. Yeah. So, no, that's not good. No, this is not okay.

And if you're doing that out there, stop. Yeah. Stop. At any point in time, anything your partner says, like, is like, no, I'm not comfortable with that. Yeah. Stop. Then it's over. You can have, like, a more in-depth conversation about it and maybe, like, put both sides down.

You know what i mean play both your hands but if at the end of the day one partner or the other is like no i'm still super uncomfortable with this then like that's that's a hard no and if that doesn't work for you that's a sign that maybe you should move on from that relationship all right amy have we ever had spartan wheeler question before i don't think. I feel like I recognize the name. Anyway, tongue is sore from eating out GF. I, 25-year-old male, have a dilemma related to going down on my girlfriend, 22-year-old female. She's like a lot of women I've met who have expressed they can only get off when a guy goes down on them. Because I'm the kind of guy who can't get off unless she does, and she does taste pretty good,

I'm more than happy to oblige. Thus, most of the time we start sex by me eating her out. Problem is, I do this every time before we have sex which is every day sometimes multiple times a day put my heart and soul into it when i do it as you should and it can last anywhere between 20 and 30 minutes of continuous work as a result my tongue has started to get sore as a result of the rigor and vigor that i put into it it's kind of similar to how i feel when i go to the gym and wear out my muscles there i really want to please my girl but i don't want to walk around every day with my mouth uncomfortable.

Any tips on how I can alleviate the soreness? I actually have a bunch. Hell yeah. So, like, it makes sense. The muscle, or like, the tongue is a muscle. So if you work it out, especially for 30 minutes, like, admitted oral session, but like, that's a long time to go down on someone. I think you need to go smarter, not harder. Yeah, I think this might be a technique problem.

A hundred percent. But I mean, there might be mental blocks on her end, do you know what I mean? Which prevent her from reaching orgasm. So that might be something to explore. But yeah, your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body and that's a proven fact. So any sort of rigorous exercises,

like you said, it's exactly like going to the gym. Like if you, if you do fucking bench press, your chest is going to be, which means eventually you'll be good. Just do this for a few months and your tongue's going to be, don't steal.

That's the thing. Make sure you get your protein shake afterwards. Practice makes perfect, you know? Um, but there are a bunch of, well, we sell like dumbbells for your tongue on our website.

Little guys. Yeah. Things that you just tie on, but they, they get bigger. Um, but there are a bunch of, well, we sell like dumbbells for your tongue on our website. Little guys. Yeah. Little things that you just tie on. But they, they get bigger. Um, yeah. The only thing is you can't go, we had the, the seven different weight varietals. We've gotten rid of the last two, uh, two people. They got too swole.

They choked. Yeah. On their own tongue. They couldn't breathe. Yeah. It was fucked. Uh, we're just out of the lawsuit from that. Um, but we won.

Like it's cool. You know, it didn't say, uh, anywhere. But we won. Like, it's cool. You know. It didn't say anywhere. Fine print, baby. Yeah, exactly. It said, if you choke, not our bad. And that is legally admissible, apparently. It is.

Literally, we took the stand, and I said not. He said, our bad. Yeah. QED, victorious. Continue. But actually, as someone who went to school for acting, and I had diction classes and voice classes. Addiction classes? Yeah. Have you met actors?

There are actually a ton of tongue strengthening exercises that you can do. And that's, you know, to help with diction and shit like that. there are actually a ton of tongue strengthening exercises that you can do. Um, and that's, you know, to help with addiction and shit like that. Um, so like if you just Google like tongue exercises and like, uh,

uh, addiction exercises and like that kind of shit, um, you'll find things that are meant specifically to strengthen the tongue. Um, one of the ones that, uh, I thought always used to help, and I don't know how much this is going to strengthen the tongue. One of the ones that I thought always used to help, and I don't know how much this is going to strengthen your tongue,

is it will just make you a very clear speaker. If you put a pencil, sort of like bite down on it, and put it sort of like back so that your cheeks are sort of being pushed back a little bit, not to discomfort, but like, and then attempt to speak clearly and quickly with that, it makes your tongue a little more agile and a little more dexterous. So that's one thing that I remember off the top of my head. And then there's a bunch of like crazy shit where you're just like rolling your tongue and doing shit like that.

I didn't think that was where we'd go on this one. Yeah, and like the thing is, yeah, that's cool. That's great. I haven't thought of that. But like practice. But also like it's not just tongue you know what i mean like if you're just like cold jumping down there tongue first and that's it yeah it's gonna take a little longer but like you have hands you have a face you have like you know other foreplay you can do like if you start kissing them and whatever

you get them more worked up before you even go down there it's less time what i thought you were saying like use your face while you're going down on her you can get your fucking you never got your nose in there i swear i actually was on this uh like i've only ever kind of like done it by like accent or whatever or just you know but there's a whole thing i bumped into on reddit where people are just like i love dating guys with big noses because like oral sex amazing it's a thing apparently either way it's like you you give your lips like you have your tongue you have your hands and like if you're if you're just going tongue like yeah you'll get there but you're not really utilizing all the things at your disposal so it's like and also fast isn't necessarily best like you

can go like hard you can go slow like a fucking nice slow lick out can like be so much better and way easier in your tongue. Like I remember when I was younger, I would always dive in and try to go fast. And it's like, my tongue would be fucking dying. And it would always tend to be just about dead when they're coming. And I'm like,

fuck, I'm trying to, you know, maintain that. But it's a lot easier to just like get them basically there with a nice slow tongue that like if you're hitting them in the sensitive spot that'll drive them almost more fucking crazy because you have the precision you can like moderate like how strong you're going like all these things you're not just fucking hammering away and i think like you gotta like peel back that hood like make sure you're not like slipping off whether due to like them or your saliva or whatever

uh if they're not too sensitive down there some people are uh like put like pressure directly on the clit right um like you know just use all your tools and don't overly focus on the tongue don't overly focus on speed yeah there's your hands for a break that's the thing is like you you can preheat the oven yeah with your fingers beforehand you know i mean like get her get her like aroused and engorged before you go down and like you can get your fingers halfway there and i understand that like it's a different sensation and not all women can can get there with fingers um and i'm talking definitely start shit off yeah that's what i mean like i i'm talking uh entirely external like i'm

not talking about like fingering i'm talking entirely external. Like, I'm not talking about, like, fingering. I'm talking about, like, you know, teasing and stuff. But also, you can definitely throw that in, right? Put a finger when you're going down on someone. The tongue is also, it has, like, two states, right? You can flex it and you can, and it can be not flexed. You know what I mean? You want to, like, generally try.

I think, like, one thing that a lot of people don't realize is that, like, if you use your tongue more like you're licking like an ice cream then you are just kind of like attacking like a little bit like softer that can often yield more results but i think like when you start off people are more prone to like that hard tongue approach like you can do either but a lot of people don't kind of relax their tongue enough to get that like nice kind of like sensual lick yeah Yeah. Also, like this is something that I've done and I still do, is you don't have to like, like if you need a back and forth sort of like flicking motion on a horizontal plane, use your head. Yeah.

Like turn your head back and forth as opposed to like letting your tongue. Do all the work. You know what I mean? Because then your focus is strictly on keeping your tongue like flexed and hard and pointed and then you just like shake your head back and forth get everything you might feel a little fucking weird and you know what i mean like you're kind of like a motorboating that that feeling will go away when they start screaming and bucking that's the thing it's like if you're doing it right they're not gonna give a shit what you're doing down there i've never looked at a girl who's giving me excellent head and being like.

You look silly. Yeah. Well, you look like an idiot. Yeah. Your head's going crazy right now. No, I'm too busy because I'm in pleasure town. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's the thing. You got to use everything at your disposal. Don't be afraid to take it slow and get them worked up beforehand. Yeah. I think that probably covers it. Yeah. Yeah. And also.

Also. Heart and soul. So so good and the fact that you do it all the time so good let it recover again it's a muscle like if it hurts it needs time to like regenerate yeah you don't go to the gym and like fucking work out your chest seven days a week also nobody's going to enjoy a forced like head like if you're like like slaving away with your tongue like yeah they're gonna sense it like no you know yourself when someone's going down you and they're like doing it because it's not that fun yeah if they're fucking like just going to town because they love it yeah

so just explain and be like hey i'm really sorry but like my tongue hurts then you use your finger tongue yeah just just find a solution yeah and like, just go easy. Don't hurt yourself. Don't fucking, like, I don't know what injury would come of it, but, like, I'm sure you could do something fucking real fucked up. Yeah, and if you have our 60-pound tongue weights, do return them. Yeah, there is a callback on those boys. Yeah, like, again, you cannot sue us, but we will still take them back. We're good people like that. Yeah, we don't want anyone getting hurt.

Nope. This comes from Reddit user IWTetra. And then a bunch of numbers. What numbers? Zero, two, one, four. That's all I need to know. Cool. Wait, four?

Continue. She asks, guy keeps agreeing to wear a condom and then keeps asking to take it off because he doesn't like the feeling. How do I get him to keep it on? You leave that motherfucker. Exactly what I said in the title. I ask him to wear one and apologize. Wait, what? I love your, like, almost every time you start reading a post, you start so confident.

And within, like, a few words, you're like, what the fuck? Exactly what I said in the title. I ask him from one to what is she saying that's right i get it now exactly what i said in people's grammar spelling and punctuation not always the best also my reading sometimes that's fair exactly what i said in the title i ask for him to wear one and apologize and he sort of manipulates me by saying don't be sorry it's fine and he gets one on only to ask me if he can take it off as he can't come or feel as much. Think he has a death grip as he can only come in one position.

He's only used them once before and I'm scared of the usual things and want to use them. How do I convince him to keep it on? Only used it once before? I don't know if that means like in life. I assume. Or with them. It sounds like just like he's like, I've only done it once before i don't know if that means like in life i assume or it's terrible them it sounds like just like he's like i've only done it once before uh like it's it's not anal you know what i mean it's not something that you gotta like kind of ease into it's a fucking condom yeah also it's not a you problem you you like he needs to deal with that shit and you need to stand your

ground because yeah the things you're worried about are very legitimate things to be worried about and you can't let someone moaning about their dick doesn't feel good get in the way of that if he has a problem that like the sensitivity is whatever like that's a him problem you know that's not for you to fix your you know like we had the big vagina question a while ago that's not the issue like condoms yeah they change things but not really that much like i use condoms for 10 years i use condoms my entire life like never and i've i've had unprotected sex and like yeah it's it's it's good but like it's not really that different you know like a random person like if you're in a long-term committed monogamous relationship it's like if you if you want to still that's fair. Once you're being safe, sure,

there's definitely nothing wrong with that. But if it's just a person you're hooking up with, there are so many things that can go wrong. Because one, if he's not wearing a condom with you, he's not wearing a condom with anyone. And that means... Anybody could have anything, and you don't want that.

That sweet, sweet STD cocktail. You don't know what he's rocking down there. And a lot of the things don't necessarily have symptoms. And there are some things that don't bother men that do bother women quite a bit, you know? So you've got to be careful. And clearly, we don't need to tell you this because you know. But now that you know that, you you got to stick with your guns. If somebody cares so little about you and what you think, you probably shouldn't be fucking them anyway.

That's the thing. It really is, in my opinion, sexual assault to agree to a condom and then try to either manipulate or bully or slip it off at some point. Well, if you slip it off, that's rape. If you do the other two things it is like it's the same as being like i don't want to have sex and being like ah but like really yeah but do you well i'm gonna do it anyway i'm gonna get blue balls like oh i'm so turned on like no like people suck but like and i know it's hard to be in a situation like this where you want to get your rocks off. You probably like this person.

I hope if you're sleeping with them and like you don't want to seem like you suck, but you don't suck. Firstly. And secondly, like you do have to care about yourself over their pleasure. 100%. Like your risk of getting pregnant or STDs is a little bit more important than him having the dick that doesn't feel so good. Yeah. And it's like, I know we always say like like you know your your partner's pleasure is is yeah but it doesn't trump other things as long as it doesn't come at the like the detriment to your

own health and safety yeah you shouldn't be putting yourself at risk for someone who and also like the whole fucking thing of i don't feel anything when I wear a condom. It's not true. No, not at all. Also, here's the thing. I did have that problem for a while, and I realized I had a latex sensitivity. And it did all kinds of weird things and numbed me and gave me really unpleasant sensations. But also superpowers. And also superpowers.

And then I switched to latex-free condoms, and I was fucking fine. Yeah. Also, another thing is a lot of people don to latex-free condoms. Condom man. And I was fucking fine. Yeah. Also, another thing is, a lot of people don't buy the right size condoms. Yeah. I learned that when I went to Canada, actually. Yeah. So, yeah, look at it. If you have that really deep red ridge around your dick, like where it went on at the bottom,

if it's really deep, if putting a second condom on later on in the day hurts maybe try to get a bigger condom yeah there are larger condoms and also like a lot of people think that like the magnums are meant for people who have like giant dicks but like it's not always it's it's shape right like it's every condom it's sort of like fit for sort of like the general like the lowest common denominator you know what i mean um so like sometimes people's dicks just don't fit in that like reservoir tip and also like most of the time it isn't real as well it's just the guy saying that so he can fuck you without a condom yeah 100 like nine times out of ten it's it's 100 like a mental thing yeah guy just for whatever fucking reason because like it doesn't it blows my mind because like it's not like it's still at risk yeah for things like you you're not immune yeah it's not like

you're not gonna get stds or like if someone else gets pregnant you don't have to deal with that it's still your fucking problem like your dick is so valuable protect your dicks boys yeah it's like there are enough things to worry about even with like yeah exactly that like adding a whole sort of like layer of unpleasant terribleness yeah to the mix it's just not worth it like yeah we we get it sexual condom is great you know but sexual condom guess what it's still fucking great like oh man i just there's there's nothing worth that, like, we've all seen or heard of people who have done it. And, like, shit's just fucked now. It's like, oh, cool, you have a kid.

Yeah. Good luck for the rest of your life. The one time. Also, good luck for that fucking kid because it's got some idiot 20-year-old who doesn't know shit. Yeah. And now that's your dad. Like, fuck. Not that everyone who's 20 is an idiot.

Not that, you know, I'm not saying that. I'm talking about specific examples. Because you can be a great dad at 20 i'm sure and you can have had a dad who was young and have a great family like not saying that thing um it's like the the point i think that we really want to drive home is ladies if a guy tells you he doesn't wear and wear a condom be firm and just be like then then we're not having sex. Yeah. If you don't want to. Yes.

Yes. If you want them to wear a condom and they're refusing, then just be like, well, I guess we're not sleeping together. Yeah. Because I promise you. He'll be like, well, yeah, I'll wear one. If you stick to that, all of a sudden that condom isn't going to be that big of a deal. Yeah. And again, if it's one of those things where he's like, oh, I don't feel anything.

Can I please take it off? Can I just be like, well, we're done deal. Yeah. And again, if it's one of those things where he's like, oh, I don't feel anything, can I please take it off? Can I just be like, well, we're done then. Yeah. Like, there's no harm and you're allowed to stop having sex in the middle of sex.

That's something you are allowed to do as anyone, as a human being. Yeah. So, like, if he's constantly bitching and moaning,

be like, I'm really sorry, you don't seem to be enjoying this. We're going to stop. You have two choices. Like, I've laid it down. Like, I don't want to have sex with you you have you have two choices like i've laid it down like i don't want to sex you out of the condom like for reasons everybody knows

so if you don't want it that's cool and you don't even need to like justify oh exactly that's what i'm saying is like reasons everybody knows you don't have to tell them everyone knows these things and it's like i'm sure there's somebody out there being like oh you don't think i'm clean you don't think i'm whatever it's like no man but like you know anything can fucking happen i'm sure there's somebody out there being like, oh, you don't think I'm clean? You don't think I'm whatever? It's like, no, man, but, like, you know anything can fucking happen. I'm sure you're not celibate either. And it's also one of those things. It's like, if you're...

Again, if you're not wearing a condom with me, you're not wearing a condom with anyone else. And it doesn't matter if you think you're clean. Even if they're a fucking virgin and they're clean... I don't know who those people are. You still don't ever have to go down from what you want. Like, you should never sacrifice that for somebody else, especially not like my dick just doesn't feel that good.

You know what I mean? Like, cool. I'm sorry, but it's like, I'm going to guess probably like half the people or more than half the people who refuse to wear condoms. I promise you're probably not that good in bed anyway. Whoa. She's probably not feeling all that great either. I don't know if that's a generalization, but I think actually you know what you're probably right because if you don't care yeah if you don't care

about your partner then why would you care about them in bed exactly yeah that's right there you go that's my logic behind that i actually think that's probably fair ladies take care of yourself and gentlemen take care of your penises yeah just like everybody take care of your parts come on guys be good to each other. Yeah. All right. Ready for another one? My girlfriend, female 22-year-old, just got a pretty ugly tattoo. And I, male 22-year-old, don't know what to say. We're together for almost a year.

And our relationship, it's absolutely brilliant. I really like her. Yesterday, she and some friends went out and she got a tattoo on her rib. It's a rose, so it's not trashy. Okay. But the tattoo artist did a fairly poor job, and the final result is less than optimal, to say the very least. I can see she already doesn't love it, and I don't know what to say.

Do I tell the truth and say, yeah, it's rubbish? Not with those words, of course. Or do I lie so she doesn't feel bad about something that will stay with her for the rest of her life? TLDR, girlfriend got a shitty tattoo. IDK what to say. From, Sazmate,

I'm late. Is that me? Um, oh boy. That's a tough one. Get her makeup tattoo

cover up. What? The like, you know the cover up makeup for tattoos? No. Oh, well yeah, that's a thing.-up makeup for tattoos? No. Oh.

Well, yeah, that's a thing. Okay. A lot of acting experience. Oh, my God. It's paying off today. Yeah, there's makeup that you can, like... But, like, that's not really the issue, I guess. It was maybe, like, on her arms or, like, her face or something, maybe.

But, like, if it's on her torso, it probably won't be coming out much unless, like, there's bedtime stuff or, you bedtime stuff or you know bedtime stuff i'm sorry when did i become a seven-year-old um or like you're at the beach we're gonna go do bedtime stuff for their no-no parts oh god Oh, God. I don't like wearing condoms for bedtime stuff. You know this. You know I don't want to wear those penis covers. Like our bedtime stuff. No pee-pee sacks for bedtime stuff. It makes my winky feel no-no.

Yeah. It feels like he's covered in candy wrappers. Unwrap my pee-pee for bedtime stuff. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Well. Oh, God. What were we even fucking talking about?

Oh, yeah. Bad tattoos. So, it's only going to come out for bedtime stuff or beach time stuff. Like, I feel like it's not a day-to-day kind of like hide it from people, but it's more of like, the fuck do I do? And like... It's one of those, if she asks you, be like, what do you think of my tattoo? I think be honest.

You know what I mean? Like, be like, it's... I don't know how you'd... Okay. You know what? I think... Well, sorry. You can take it.

I don't know the correct verbiage. I think you'd have to, like, really... Because, like, again... Your skin looks shit now. Yeah. You permanently have something trash on you. Yeah, yeah. Like, the meat you wear to protect your organs, it's now ruined.

Yeah, you... Visually. Just visually. Like, it's still... Like, the integrity of your meat is fine, but visually it's a garbage fire. Yeah, you've fucked everything up. The drawing on your flesh looks like it was done by someone who calls sex bedtime stuff. Yeah, I mean, like, I don't think there's any bonus to lying and being like, no, babe, it looks great.

Yeah. But that's's also in my opinion a safe lie like it's a white lie i think that's a harmless i think that is in the spirit of protecting her yeah mental state the thing is um i think there's a very important part of this question and that's that she doesn't seem happy with it yeah if she seemed happy with it and you were like that's a big shit i feel like that probably won't go well the fact that she doesn't seem happy with it i think instead of replying to her asking how you like it you need to say you don't seem that happy with this and see what she says yeah and she's like i love it what are you talking about then that's one thing if she's like oh great it looks great yeah because like darling it's maybe maybe she does like it you know i mean and that's one thing. Oh, great. It looks great. Yeah. Because like, darling, maybe she does like it, you know what I mean?

And it's not like if you just start saying it looks like shit and she loves it, then like tattoos are for you. They're kind of for the person who has them. You have the most like if she doesn't like it, you are set for like whatever next big holidays coming up, either a birthday or Christmas or whatever. Get her like a touch up by like a good tattoo artist that's the thing because if you talk to her and she's like honestly i don't really like it and she's upset which i imagine you would be then you can actually move forward you have

options because you can get it touched up you can get it covered you can get it removed right those are three things and if she's down i've seen people who have like taken really shitty tattoos and like incorporate them into like other art or like other you know pieces 100 and then it's and then it just kind of like blends in and it's like if if it's not the case that she didn't want to tattoo at all which it doesn't sound like it then yeah a touch-up or like a cover-up or like just a better artist to come fix it totally doable and probably cheaper and less traumatic on your meat flesh. I don't know, cheaper, but... Really? Yeah.

For tattoo removal? Pretty expensive, right? For tattoo, oh yeah. In comparison to tattoo removal, yes. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, no. That's all I'm saying.

In comparison to like the original tattoo. Oh no, it sounds like it cost $8. Yeah. It's just Dave. Dave the tattooist on the corner. He's like, what, you want one? Oh no, I actually used to know a guy named Dave who used to practice tattoos on himself.

During the brief month, he took up home tattooing. Tattooist? It was not good. Yeah. He tried to do like a crucifix and didn't really do it very well. It's like, is that a lightning bolt with another lightning bolt? He was like, don't worry about it. Yeah.

Yeah. So I feel like that's the really important thing is like ask them how they feel and kind of work accordingly. Because again, like if someone's cool with their tattoo, it's not necessarily on you to say that it looks like shit. And that's the thing. It's like some people have really shitty tattoos that they're really proud of. Like I knew a dude who had like the Toronto skyline on his fucking like forearm and it

was fucking terrible. Like it looked horrible. Yeah. I definitely know some people who have some questionable tattoos but that was his pride and joy like that was his like he was so proud of the city and like where he came from and his roots and like that was like his fucking thing that was his calling card so i was like fine man like if it means something to you all of a sudden it's like slightly better you know like the tattoo itself might be shit but like the story and the dedication behind why you have it might make things okay but also again it is really only for the person who has it right so like you

don't really get an option and being like exactly so it's one it's like one of those things where like you you know people are worried like when people get tattoos and they're like, Oh, well, like, what are you going to think when you're 80? I'm like, you know what I mean? It's like, I can look that great anyway, Sharon. Yeah. Also like, it's, it's not your body. You know, this isn't your concern.

Um, so yeah, if she fucking likes the tattoo, it's like, fuck your opinion of it. Yeah. It doesn't really matter. Like, um, you'll, you'll love it because she does yeah exactly and like you saying you don't like it even when she does it's just like it's mean i guess right like because she she chose that and it's going to be on her body so if she does like it like you kind of got to feel whether you can deal with it or not and if you can't sure and you know what if she's really upset about it just be like look it's a part of you now and i love you so i

love this tattoo and then give it a cover up uh yeah and then or just cut it off well she's flare oh god uh cool your turn um so this is gonna be a quick episode a fun little game we can play here oh shit i love games is it apex uh it's not. This is from Reddit user CaramelZ. And she says, or he says, they say, What do you say when your man's about to orgasm? During P.I.V. I'm at a loss for words. And I don't want to sound corny. So you can't see this. You might hear them shuffling right now.

But to help us, do you have any ideas off the top first? Wait, so I was too busy reading my cards. What you say when he's coming and you're the girl? What do you say when your man's about to come or about to orgasm? Can I pick a card? Well, if you have ideas. I'm only going to go with cards. Perfect.

So I've brought out my cards. I'm going to grab some more, though. Can I shuffle a card? Well, if you have ideas. I'm only going to go with cards. Perfect. So I've brought out my cards. I'm going to grab some more, though. Can I shuffle these back in? You can do whatever you want. Or do we just read them? Whatever you want. If there's some that you like, let's... So I've brought out my cards against humanity,

because I figured this might be the best way to get some... To figure it out, yeah. Because we're basically appealing to a higher power. Yeah. So these are some options you can say just as your man's about to come okay i'm gonna mime it like dying of dysentery uh here's one for me and it's kind of topical because the movie's coming out you You just hear like, oh, God. Oh, God. Jafar. Ooh.

I think my, the one I was going to go with was clams. I'm going to put all seven back. I'll take up a new seven because fuck that shit. Oh, here's a good one. This is if you guys are a particularly artsy couple, you can just give them appreciative snapping. Oh. I think I would just jump out a window if someone ever did that.

It's like, imagine this. Ugh. Ugh. I know he's about to come, so I say Mr. Clean, right behind you. And then you just give him the finger in the butt. Oh, of course. That's the finishing move. Again, this isn't really something you say

specifically, but you could give them a nuanced critique. Just like, right as he's about to come. Well, first off the bat, I felt that your hand-eye coordination wasn't really where it was at. Your tongue seemed to get tired. Maybe you should invest in some of the Fuck Buddies weights that they sell on their website,

but don't get the last three weights. Also, I liked being on top, but having to look at your shitty tattoo just really wasn't doing it for me. Someone really ruined your flesh sheath. Did you give him one? Here's one. So this is something to sort of like maybe maybe if you're not wearing a condom or if you if you prefer sort of like a uh uh out of piv uh ejaculate maybe you like it on your your boobs or your stomach or like on the ass and the

face whatever you could say sperm whales whoo sperm whales just like roll about in them yeah and then wipe yourself off on the sheets cover yourself off in sheets uh hot cheese because it kind of is if you have my oh here's another fitting one you can like um if he finishes in your mouth you can then like spit it out and say kamikaze pilots oh no don't yell a micro penis no um nocturnal emissions that's only fits bedtime stuff yeah you cannot do that during morning, morning fun. So right when you know he's about to come, I would say, this is a good one. You can just hit him with some ominous background music. I'm almost there.

And that's it? That's it. That's all you get. I thought you were going to say something real creepy. Nope. Nope. It was just Dominic's background music. Ooh, I have three in a row that just work so well together.

Children on leashes. Grandma. Natalie Portman. It's the same with the old grandma. Switching to Geico. There we go. Suicidal thoughts. It's just right when he's about to come.

It's just what you want to hear. Sometimes I think about throwing myself in front of the subway. Well, I thought you'd just literally just say, suicidal thoughts. Aneurysm. Oh, here it is. I think we've got it. Okay. Just about. Heneurysm. Oh, here it is. I think we've got it. Okay. Just about.

He's about to come. He's getting going. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You rip into a man's chest and pull out his still beating heart. Kalima! And you become a black widow. Or a praying mantis.

Whatever the one is. I think they just eat their head. Yeah, they cut off their head. Yeah's very different either way just kill your mate yeah so uh if you use one of these let us know um if you say usador's full name while fucking also let us know even though that's nothing to do with our show um yeah are we done i think we're done okay all right that's my last question. Oh, now we're definitely done. I dropped my phone.

This happens every episode. I swear to God, you cannot edit this out. You shame-filled bastard. I don't think I ever edit my phone drops out. Look at your fucking... Ugh. God damn it. All right.

Are you ready for some bad sex writing? Oh, baby, I don't... Because I've found a brand new batch. A brand new batch of bad sex writing for your ears. All right. So, you know what? We have one of our old favorites come back again with a different section. A different book book and different passage

a different two paragraphs a different sex scene if you want if you call it that considering he sucks balls want to go for it is that the name of the book no this is colorless suku tazaki and his years of pilgrimage by haruki murakami, is this the guy that was, like, fucking the sleeping? Yeah, he's the creepy one. Oh, baby. The girls entwined themselves lively around Sukuru. Kuru's breasts were full and soft. Shiru's were small, but her nipples were as hard as tiny round pebbles.

Their pubic hair was as wet as a rainforest. Their breath mingled with his, becoming one, like currents from far away, secretly overlapping at the dark bottom of the sea. These insistent caresses continued until Tsukuru was inside the vagina of one of the girls. It was Shiro. She straddled him, took hold of his rigid erect penis and deftly guided it inside her. His penis found its way with no resistance, as if swallowed up into an airless vacuum. She took a moment, gathering her breath, then began slowly rotating her torso as if she were drawing a complex diagram in the air, all while twisting her hips. Her long straight black hair swung above him sharply like a diagram in the air, all while twisting her hips. Her long, straight black hair swung above him sharply like a whip.

I'm convinced this man has never had sex. I also don't know if he knows how women work. Nope. Or hair. Or diagrams, for that matter. I don't know, to be fair, I've been whipped in the face by hair before. Yeah, but that was during that brief period when that song came out. Yeah.

I whip my hair back and forth. I whip my... Um... Because here's the thing. He says her body is rotating. But then he also says that the hips are, like, swirling. Yeah, but she was drawing a complex diagram. She was just hexagoning. Is her body,

like, exorcist-style spinning? And she's just full 360-ing? Again, this man has never had sex. He's also, by the sounds of it, not a very good writer, but keeps winning awards. I don't know. Come at me, Haruki. Well, these are, like, bad awards, right? No, he wins awards.

Like, he was in the fucking bestsellers during Christmas with the book we quoted last time. Oh, no. Yeah. I thought these were, like, stuff they found from, like, the depths of, you know... And they were like, oh, this is bad.

These are, like, very public novels. They are, like, out there. That's too bad. Haruki... That means that 100% someone, somewhere, has gotten off to this.

Probably. Or at least has become aroused by it. Well, I'm aroused right now. Well, I mean, yeah. I'm ready for some bedtime stuff. But it's real early. Afternoon delight. Jafar.

Ah, jeez. Sperm whale. Yay. Anyone who wants to illustrate the sperm whales as well, go for it. All right. Well, I guess thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvesties, for the song, Paper Stars. Whoa, man, you're just going right in it. I'm all...

Oh, you could say that. Oh, man, you're just going right in it. Yeah. But, like, with that tone. Just all. You did it. Oh, man, you're just going right in it. No, you've done it.

Just clap. Appreciative snapping? Slow clap. Oh, stop clapping into the microphone. I'm sorry. My hangover. I'm not sorry. It's your own fucking fault, Dane.

Thank you very much. You're making me late for my plans. For listening. That's your own damn fault. It's maybe yours. It's been a pleasure. We're now in our second era of of like podcasting no shit we should have gotten better we've done we've done 25 episodes now we're in 26 we're we're coming up

for 50 this is crazy um so thank you very much for the people who are listening thank you very much for the people who are sharing and uh getting other people on board with us it's uh really fucking cool that you're doing that i will say i don't know everyone who listens, I don't think, but everyone I do know who listens is fucking great. So, like, literally you're all really cool people. So it's kind of nice. It's like, yeah. If you have a question or if you just want to reach out and talk with us,

you can hit us up on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. You can find us on Facebook, fck buddies podcast um you can also email us your questions at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com hell yeah uh keep them coming uh if you have a favorite thing to say when your partner is coming in your vagina uh let us know yeah or if you want to add to the pile as well like if you you can cards against humanity you can just throw one out yeah if you're playing cards against humanity. You can just throw one out. Yeah. If you're playing cards against humanity,

you're just like, damn, that'd be a good one. Just shoot us a picture and post it on our, we should make it like a Twitter challenge. Yeah. And, uh,

to sign off our show every week, uh, since we started 25 weeks ago, 26 weeks ago, holy crap. Gods. We, uh,

we delve. Well, technically now does this cause I don't think I have the fortitude to withstand the, the dance storm. 26 weeks ago holy crap gods we uh we delve well technically Niall does because I don't think I have the fortitude to withstand the dance storm I feel like I'm slowly

becoming a worse person by looking but yeah you're it's literally that Nietzsche quote of like staring into the abyss

the boy fucking stares back eventually you're like you're just gonna come and you're gonna be talking in like a shitty

Australian accent British accent what is it well the the thing is to use your facial expression like facial body expression language is you look at them with the game on and then they know the game is on well oh great here's one i didn't see so dan says new post my ex is getting serious with her new guy can i get in the way dan i think the only

thing you can ever do is get in the way oh yeah i think the question is not can he but will he and that's not a question because we know he'll try he'll do it uh you suck dan good night thank you very much for listening guys uh this is your boy boy, Skinny Wiener, signing off. And I'm Dan Miller. Au revoir.