F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 275 - Big If True

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

This episode will actually change your life and make you a million dollars and give you abs and make your celebrity crush fall in love with you... big if true.  Topics include bad gift uno reverse, the icky downstairs, roommate forehead kisses, lying about your job, the worst way to ask someone out.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dan Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we are a sex and dating advice podcast. We find questions either online or sent in from our wonderful listeners. We answer them here in this very closet for your ears every Monday and sometimes on stage, but we'll get to that later. It's true. Niall and I are back in the closet. We're back doing our thing. So if you do hear a clatter, catastrophes, audio nightmares, that's my cat, Oliver. He's back in the... He's getting involved.

Yeah. He's not used to two boys being in here. I mean, he still has no chill when I'm in here, but... Yeah. Less chill, I think, now. Yeah. And last week, I was sick. This week, I braved an ice storm for you all.

So just... I think I need a pay raise, Dan. Yeah. But this week we are going to be talking about purposefully ignoring what your husband wants for Father's Day, but then being confused when he's upset. Her icky downstairs. When your roommate kisses you on the forehead before work.

Putting your balls in. Okay. What? Where do we start? In what? Hey, you'll have to listen i'll do it last because i think that's the most it is last you've read it last as now had mentioned we do do this show live for your visual and audio pleasure and also your tummy pleasure yeah there's food and drinks specials and they're delightful and honestly I think just like a general full body pleasure because it's a warm room. One, it's cozy in the winter.

Two, there's good people, or at least so far it's been good people. So you're surrounded. You could be that one bad person. You could be that one bad person. Please don't. There was one person who threatened us on Facebook and was going to come, but didn't. So the spot's still open. But it's going to be 18th of January, Black Sheep Cocktail Lounge, Liberty Village, Toronto,

7 o'clock doors, 7.30 show. It's a lot of fun. Please come. And we may have a little surprise for you in February for our next show, but we'll talk about that later. Yeah. Ready for a question? Yep.

This is by throwRA6512. I, 32-year-old female, purposefully ignored what my husband, 34-year-old male, told me he wanted for Father's Day. He's ignoring me now and won't accept my apologies. What can I do to make it up to him?

Me and my husband have been together for nine years. We have two kids, an eight-year-old and a six-year-old. For Mother's Day, all I wanted was a free day. I wanted my husband to take the kids out somewhere for the day so I could be home alone and relax. Instead, he got me and the kids tickets to have a fun day out. And it was fun, and me and the kids had a good time, but it irked me that he gave me the exact opposite of what I asked for. For

Father's Day, my husband also wanted a free day so he could stay home and game all day. He games all the time with his friends. He'll get home from work, maybe spend the time between then and dinner with the kids, before going up to his office to game for a few time with his friends. He'll get home from work, maybe spend the time between then and dinner with the kids before going up to his office to game for a few hours with his friends. So instead, I got him and the kids cards for an arcade an hour away with a ton of tokens. I gave him the cards during dinner on Saturday so he and the kids could leave early and spend all day playing with them. I got my free day and he and the kids got to make a lot of memories together. He and I got in a fight when the kids went to bed. He was angry.

I ignored what he wanted for father's day. I was angry. He didn't see he'd done the same thing to me on mother's day. He's been ignoring me since and won't accept my apologies. This is like, if you listen to our show and then only listen to the part where we give you bad advice, like we joke around and like make up the stupid bullshit. This is like,

if you only did that and then just hit skip when the part that we actually tell you how to solve the problem no you listen to that hit stop and then you rate those five stars on all apps which you should do and then you go and just do it and then you come back and hit play and you're like oh shit oh no look it sucks that your husband didn't listen to what you wanted. That should have been a conversation then. Yes. Right. That should have been a conversation to be like, Hey,

your gift was very sweet. And of course I love spending time with the kids, but I was really looking forward to a day where I could just chill and have it to myself. Like that's what I wanted. And that's also what I asked for. Yeah. So why did you think that like again not that your gift wasn't thoughtful i just don't understand why asking me what i wanted

and then doing the exact opposite because you could have having that conversation there would have stopped everything like it would have stopped however long like you were bitter presumably mother's day to Father's Day is... Mother's Day is first, right? Usually in May? See, I don't know, because Irish Mother's Day is different. Of course it is. So I always get fucking freaked out.

But Father's Day is the same. Which is weirder. I believe Mother's Day is first, and then it's Father's Day. So, like, you spent a period of time annoyed at your husband. And then when you had your chance for revenge you took it took it like come on you know you're in the wrong here you could have communicated you went about this i won't say the worst way because you didn't stab him but pretty bad way why like yeah you like read the title you ignored what he wanted it's bad but you did it spitefully and you

could have just had a conversation this guy isn't willing to listen to reason right now because he's pissed and to be fair i think he is unrightfully pissed yes like he's he's in the wrong but you're also in the wrong yes i again this is one of those situations where instead of doing the thing that was correct you are now both yes incorrect like you've put yourself in a position where neither of you have the grounds to like this is where you have to be like hey i fucked up i did it out of spite absolutely like this was me getting back at you for what i felt was a slight i understand a super immature and be unfair to you right like it's and's an unfair to me, right? Like I spent all this time kind of annoyed that you went and gave me something that I wasn't looking forward to, or I thought this was a good way to show you why I was annoyed.

And I understand now with hindsight that this was a bad way to do it. And hopefully that's the thing. I think, unfortunately, like, like yes he started it he was in the wrong first but now you've put yourself in a position where you're like willfully actively and like after the fact with premeditation now in the wrong yeah so sadly you kind of have to be like look exactly what dane said take the onus realize what you did was wrong and hope that now he will kind of be like okay i fucked up too and you can like meet in the middle but like it's harder because you've now sullied everything

a little bit more yeah you know you need to like it's not always says it where it's like the best time to have a conversation is like when it happens the next best time is now and that's very much the situation where you need to like lay it down and be like look we goofed we fucked up i took this in a very immature way and i would like to apologize for that but i would also like you to acknowledge that i asked for something and you gave me the exact opposite in the exact same way that i did to you i just did it to you and it sucked and look how upset you are why would i not get to feel the same way? And kind of have that conversation of being like,

feel everything that you're feeling and tell me why I'm not allowed to feel the same way when you did quite literally the same thing to me. And hopefully you guys can like come to a realization. But like, again, if he starts getting all huffy and being like, I gave you a nice gift and you gave it to me it's like okay but like i feel like there needs to be maturity on his side as well and a givingness and a willing to compromise of being like yes i get it and if he doesn't hit you with the i get it i'm mad but i get it yeah then i think there's there might be

like more problems i think there are i also feel like you're bitter about the fact that he plays games with his friends every night. And that might be a fair bitterness. But I also feel like it's a thing you need to explore, and it sounds like you're not good at exploring things with each other in a non-retributory way. Yeah. Is that a word?

Sure. You get it. Retribution. So, communication is a thing y'all need to work on in this year of rf buds 2024 yeah you need to address the problems when they're problems and not fester on them until that you the only way that you can find a resolution for it is to pull a cool uno reverse yeah a cool uno attack yeah so chill start talking more openly and honestly with your husband you've been with him for nine years if you can't have a conversation be like hey babe i was really looking forward to a day off do you mind taking the kids out tomorrow

so i can have that or even just be like you know start off with like hey i asked you specifically not for this like why did you go out of your way to like do this thing and if he's like i forgot or whatever like that can be a further conversation but then be like okay sure once you've resolved that be like do you mind now taking a day on the weekend yeah and him being like yeah don't worry i got you and then that's great that's it it's solved it's wonderful hopefully going forward you can open that dialogue like if he wants a game that's cool he should have an outlet he should be able to talk to his friends. If you need time, you should also be able to get that. You're a fucking team.

Yeah. So, but you got to fucking communicate. You got to communicate and not in a battle. Yeah. Not in a weird way where you like every now and then you get a cool knife to twist. That sucks. Right. This is from STJ Roids.

Boyfriend said my vagina feels very different to any girl he's been with. So I had sex for the first time and my boyfriend went soft inside me both times we did it. Which obviously left us, they say nothing feeling, but I imagine nothing shouldn't be there. So it says, which obviously left us feeling bad. And to be honest, it made me feel really insecure. I already didn't like the way my vagina looked and i didn't want him to see it but after this he told me that my vagina feels weird and icky compared to other girls not only when his dick is inside but also

when he fingers me as well i just want to know what this could be and what i can do about it because i do not want to have sex or even attempt it if he's going to go soft and it's going to continuously make us both feel shitty. I need to know what it is that he says feels icky. I need more information. But it seems to me upon first glance that he went soft and is much like the first question retaliating by blaming you. That could be it. Yeah, I didn't think about that.

It could be like perhaps there is like a defensive like it's not me. Your vagina sucks. Yeah. I didn't think about that. It could be like, perhaps there is. Like a defensive, like, it's not me. Your vagina sucks. Yeah. That's a good point. That's my fear. I don't know why it could feel. Because it's feel, right?

Feels icky. Feels icky. Does he just not like vaginas? Yeah. Maybe he's just really not into it. But he does say it feels different from all the girls. Is he lying? Is he lying? Is he lying? It feels like, is this one of those people who had a lot of sex?

I don't know. Because, hey, let me tell you, you and I have both had a considerable amount of sex with, I would say, a fair number of partners. Yes. if any one vagina has ever felt considerably different to one another, and certainly not to the point where I would ever describe it as icky. I don't understand what would have to be different for it on a feeling based level to feel icky. The only thing I can think of is a level of like the way that, because some people, when they get aroused, it's less of a liquid and more tacky.

Sure. Right. So like the only thing I can think of is perhaps that's a situation where it's like, it's not quite as silky glidy and a little more tacky, a little more, you know, viscous.

So like, that's the only thing I can think of. Cause like, that's a only thing I can think of. Because, like, that's a possibility. Yeah, I would love to know if they use condoms. Look, if they're using condoms and you can tell that something's sticky, I feel there's a suspect in me. Yeah, maybe it's the opposite. Maybe it just wasn't all that wet. And maybe he hurt himself using, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't know know i can only guess but the thing is like if you have concerns one you don't like the way your vagina looks i think that's unfortunately a plight everyone has to a degree at some point i do want you to get over it but in a positive happy way you know what i mean like we all licked our dicks once we're like ah no i'm not good enough you know we all hate our genitals at our dicks once. We're like, ah, no, I'm not good enough. You know what I mean? We all hate our genitals at some point in our life. We're bred that way.

Society makes us that way. I would say we're not bred that way. Society. We're raised that way. Yes. Fair. I will guarantee you. You're fine.

You're probably a hundred percent fine. There have been so many art projects in which the various appearances of vulvas, like dicksicks i feel like are fairly you have different like shapes and sizes and yeah but like all kind of uniform in you know kind of what you're getting generally outside of the length and girth of things but like vaginas i do feel like are like the vulva is quite a unique experience. Like, I feel like there is quite a varying difference in terms of, you know, labia and,

you know, clip. Like, I think if you put them all together and looked at them like Rorschach tests, yeah, they would all be different. But I think in general,

it doesn't matter because they're also all the same where account, you know what I mean? Like generally, like absolutely doesn't matter. That's kind of my point is that like, it doesn't really matter whether or not, but I think a lot of dudes who only see vaginas in porn, like not curtailed,

like curated, curated. That's the one, like weird porn curated. Yeah. Porn is fake. We all know this. So I'm not saying the women who have vulvas that look like women in porn are any less real.

But like the idea of a lot of dudes know what one type of vagina looks like. And the second labia are bigger or more outward facing, all of a sudden, that's a weird vagina instead of just. Yeah, I think if you suck. Yes. But, you know, and I feel like a lot of young men yes panic also and then that's the thing you're at this heightened like fear and insecurity and like unfortunately men are bred to not unlike raised to not trained to not have this like emotional intelligence we're just trained to like oh you have to be macho you have to be like confident strong and like blah blah so it's like when confronted with insecurity often our reaction is to lash out or withdraw you know what i mean there's not a lot of like i get

it i'm kind of nervous right now sorry i couldn't keep it up it It's no, your vagina sucks or something. So if you have concerns, I would go see a medical professional. Yeah. Look up online. If you have like discoloration or weird discharge or a strange smell that seems abnormal, look it up. Don't look on WebMD. It'll just tell you you're dying, but you know, read some stuff. It may help assuage your fears. It may not. it probably won't that's the internet for you but go to a doctor have them check it out if you have concerns it could just be this guy's a dick it could be he's unfamiliar it could be he has porn blindness if that's what we want to call it but like you probably would notice if something was wrong

also maybe ask for more clarification from him for our sake. Yeah, it doesn't say how old they are either. I'm guessing young. I'm going to guess young as well. I think, as I said, if you're concerned, if there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable or you're worried about a certain texture or feeling in your genitals, always go see a doctor. I would say skip the like. I would not suggest looking it up on the internet because you're gonna get every worst possible case and it probably isn't i would say just go to a doctor because nine times out of ten it's gonna be like you have gonorrhea it's like no you know what i

mean because like it's also like if you look up like the definition of most stis or whatever it's like it'll list things so you're just like well that could be a uti that could be you know what i mean it's like it's any number of things so just like just go to a doctor if you're worried about it if this person is making you continuously feel bad with sex don't have sex no don't sex with them it's really that simple and just be like look we're obviously not sexually compatible if this is what's happening and you find that my vagina is icky, this isn't going to work. Yeah, if someone told me my dick was icky, yeah, no, I would not have sex with them. I simply would not bring my penis anywhere near them.

Yeah, I would. For their sake and mine. I do not think I would entertain anyone who would call my penis icky. It's like, have you seen the meme where it's like, if this giant lizard kept stealing my girlfriend and locking her in castles, I simply would not have recreational go-karting matches with aforementioned lizard. That's me with my dick and this person.

It just simply would not happen. Yeah. So do that. Go see a doctor. But you're probably fine if you haven't noticed it and if he can't give you a solid answer as to why why he's probably just a bit of a weenie. Yeah.

Strong weenie energy. All right. This is by blocks runner. My 25 year old male roommate, 25 year old male kissed me on my forehead on his way to work this morning. I work at a restaurant currently and my work days don't usually start till around 3 30 PM and don't end until about 1 AM. I usually sleep in, but my roommate starts work pretty early.

We've never had any issues. In fact, living with him has been great. We get along well. Both of our girlfriends have started becoming friends. Basically, it's great. Until this morning. Both of us usually keep our doors shut when we sleep, but never locked. And this morning, this cheeky bastard opens my door and walks in ever so slightly.

He then, as carefully as possible, kisses my forehead and said, Sleep well, I'm off to work. Now it's half asleep, so a lot of this is still hazy. I woke up officially around 10am and was convinced it was a dream. Now I'm wondering if he's done this before. Oh, because I am a very heavy sleeper. I might have just caught him today by chance. How do I respond to this?

I, look, as much as I want to say that this is adorable and very cute. I also do not think I'd be thrilled with my roommate. Presumably someone you didn't know prior to moving in, walking into my room while I'm sleeping and kissing me on the forehead. I think it would be a much different story if I was eating breakfast and he got up and was, and just gave me a kiss on the forehead. I think it would be a much different story if I was eating breakfast and he got up and was, and just gave me a kiss on the head. I think I would,

I would find it much different. I think I would, I think the way I would feel about this question would be considerably more favorable. Yeah. I don't want my roommate walking into my room without express permission anyway. Yeah.

Let alone, especially not when I'm sleeping, let alone to kiss me while i'm by there like presumably they think i'm still asleep like that's because i was gonna say oh maybe it's just like maybe it was a fun joke like and that's it maybe it is a fun joke i don't know the relationship but it would have to be a very particular relationship for it to be a fun joke yes you know what i mean and they don't seem too upset though yeah i think like it's weird also was it a dream that would suck i mean hey that's how you bring it up okay i will say last night i my mouth was so fucking dry and i woke up and i

had a glass of water and i went back to bed and it was still just like so dry you know your tongue is like stuck to your roof your mouth that's like awful so i had more water and it just wouldn't not be dry and it was hell and i woke up and my mouth was really really really really dry and i had dreamt all those times i'd gotten water and i hadn't actually done it but my mouth was was actually dry. So I had some water and I was fine. But like, I would have sworn to you that I was awake during all those times. Okay.

Could have been a dream. It could have been a dream. And that's how you bring it up. I think you say, I had the craziest dream last night. I had a dream like that you came into my room and kissed me on the head like goodnight or good morning, I guess, whatever. I believe it always had fun at work or yeah like regardless of what like just be like hey i had this crazy dream and see what he

does if he's just like yeah dude that's fucking weird or if he's morning kissies he's like yeah i do it every morning he's like you were asleep this the last few months i've just been morning kissies you are you one of those people who's like awake, but you're asleep? Like my partner will wake up and have a full ass conversation with me, but she isn't awake. And then the next day I'll talk about it. And she's like, what? And I'm like, we had a full conversation. Wild.

It's awful. Yeah. I used to, my college girlfriend's roommate slept with her eyes open. So there was. So when you went to kiss her. Yeah. Got really weird. Got to make eye contact.

Cause I also don't close my eyes when I kiss. We're just staring at each other. We shouldn't do that. It's bad podcasting. I think you have to bring it up and be like, I had a crazy dream. And then you do have to kind of be like a kid waiting for Santa Claus one night. And see if he does again.

He's going to be spooked. There's going to be four days where he's not going to do his kissies. And you're going to see him degrade, I bet, day by day without his kisses. Right? Like he's not going to be the same chat that he usually is. But then on day five? Maybe you sneak in and give him a goodnight kiss. Right?

Like if he's heading out, maybe when you get in. Exactly. Had a good day at work. Thanks a goodnight kiss. Right? Like if he's heading out, maybe when you get in. Exactly. Had a good day at work. Thanks a lot. Exactly. Also, if you like it, maybe just establish this.

Yeah. Well, cause you're not clear. You say until now, but you also say this cheeky bastard. That's kind of playful. Yeah. So I don't,

do you love it? Cause you also say, how do I bring it up? Yeah. Not how do I get them to stop? You got to bring it up by saying, I had this dream because if it is a dream you don't want to just be like you fucking kiss me every morning bro you fucking kiss me and he's gonna be like what and then his response is telling you need to then tell us what his response was because we need to know

and then i guess if you want morning kissies. If he's cagey about morning kissies, you have some kind of kissy sting operation. And that's it. Yeah. I mean, like, you could set up, like, a home run style trap. Yeah. I was going to say, like, just a bucket full of nails. So when he opens the door, they come swigging in. He gets ravaged.

Just put a board with a nail on it so when he comes in, he puts his foot through it. No, you have to superheat the handle of your door so when he tries to open the door... Drop a fucking brick from a 16-story building. No, he does. There is an app that you can set it and it records all night, but it only

starts to actively record when a noise reaches over a certain level. So if you talk in your sleep, you can do it to, like, it'll record those snippets of certain level. So if you talk in your sleep, you can do it to like, it'll record those snippets of you talking. So if you set this up and every morning you hear have a good day at work. Yeah. He's fucking caught dead to rights.

Yeah. So, or you know, okay, you wait, you don't say it, then wait, you wait two days, see if he kisses you those two days and then you bring it up. That's yeah, that's fair. Because if you fucking, the game's up. Just smash a light bulb

and shatter the shards of the glass all over your floor. Or just spill a lot of popcorn. Well, okay. One will alert you, one will injure him. Yeah. It's up to you. There are two wolves inside you. One is popcorn, one is shattered glass. One is broken light you. There are two wolves inside you. One is popcorn. One is shattered glass.

One is broken light bulb. Make sure you leave the... Which one wins? The screwy part, too, because that's the sharpest part. Damn. Dane's done this before. Dane knows I would sneak in for kissies, so he's always smashing light bulbs just in case. It's the only thing that keeps you safe. This is birth control glasses.

Can you put the balls in? My girlfriend has been very horny lately and developed a fixation on my balls. The upshot of all this is that with all this practice, I'm getting really good at shagging now. She also wants to try without protection, but I don't feel ready for that yet. To satisfy her libido, I've been going in deep, really deep, right up to the balls. She's now asking me if I can put the balls in. I think she will like it. Has anyone tried either doing it with the balls in,

or just putting the balls in, without protection? You can't do that! Why not? What law says that I can't put my balls in? The law of nature. The law of pain. The law my balls in the law of nature the law of pain the law of room the law of you gotta have a real icky vagina to get balls you gotta have a crazy vagina with balls i don't want to just crazy balls or crazy dick i don't know maybe i've been sleeping with the wrong vagina maybe they're icky simply because there's no ballroom. Do you have very dangly balls?

Because even then, like, I feel like the danglier, the worse it is. But like, at least you have the maneuverability. You can't put the balls in. I think you got to do it when it's really cold. Right. So balls are strapped tight to you. Scrotum. Even then, like, you would have to like, it wouldn't even be putting them in.

You would just like move your body. So they this like there's no feasible way this ever works i would be shocked if i could get one singular ball if just remove the pain the pain alone just removing all sort of like physical limitations just the idea of trying to squeeze one testicle physical limitation into a vagina there's no room one two it would hurt three i mean don't go like women can have babies yes i know my balls are not the size of babies nile wait hold on you don't have babies come from it's true Make it make sense. Hey, big if true. What? It's big if true. True?

This is a right-wing move. So they will post things that they have no factual basis on. Big if true. Hey, huge. If this is true, real big. Right? So it's their way of- Just know you don't have to take ownership you don't have to explain

simply hey look if i am a ghost that can also control the universe big if true big if true joe biden actually secretly a pedophile giraffe big hey huge if true giraffes are big if true big huge no just no like there's no there is no i'm look and also is he just advocating for the all dip in solo balls like just a ball expectation like splitting the party and just ballsing it at the end he that is one of the options yes like even then it's like the balls aren't like formulated in a phallic way to enter something like that they're more of a mush yeah it's like the balls aren't like formulated in a phallic way to enter something like that. They're more of a mush. Yeah.

It's like taking a sack of marbles and trying to get it through like a fucking hole. Exactly. And like, sure, you could like on the top and maybe gain some ingress, but like why for you and why for her? Yeah. Did you in fact get good at shagging because you are considering this is the protection less necessary yes there's still stds to worry about this is the thing it's like but like pregnancy won't be an issue but that's the balls is where the sperm is shit big if true big if true maybe it's like tea and if you dip your balls in tea bagging and you just

see babies in big if if true, big, if true, is that just the way we can say whatever we want on this podcast? We've finally done it. We've put disclaimers on this show for a very long time being like, we're not doctors. We're not psychologists. We're not medical professionals. But now we can just be like big, if true. Now we can just say dipping your balls in will get people, someone get pregnant far

more accurately than the same way that than just throwing sperm in loose. Yeah. Imagine trying to drink tea if you just grabbed a handful of tea and just threw it into hot water. That's not going to do anything. Then it'll get stuck in your teeth. You don't want your baby stuck in your teeth. You want teeth in your babies? Babies in your teeth? You do want teeth in your babies at some point.

Babies aren't born with teeth, are they? They're born with eyes. Hey, babies are born with teeth? Big if true if true you know we can now say whatever we want clip that for tiktok and people will be like this is a surefire way to get the girl and then we just cut out the big if true part so if anyone ever comes for us just go wait listen listen for the next 1.5 seconds yeah true big if true did you know we're the best podcast in the world? Big if true. Hey, if that's true, huge.

Huge. And we are number three in the charts right now in Canada. Canada. That's pretty big. And true. It can't be both. Or can it? Can it?

That's when it gets big. That's when it's big. Yeah. Huge and true. Yeah. It always makes me laugh whenever I see things like that. I, for a while, especially during the pandemic and specifically the convoy times, because I was reading so many tweets about it. And it was your first mistake.

I got a lot of things where it's just like, oh, you know, Trudeau is going to stand down. Big if true. Big if true. Huge news. This is true. It's like, it was never true. You're going to steal all your money tomorrow from every bank. Big if true. Big if true. Huge news. This is true. It's like it was never true. You're going to steal all your money tomorrow from every bank. Big if true.

Big if true. Where did we? Where were we? Don't. No, you can't. Don't put your balls inside. And hey, if you can, like, sure. I don't know your body.

I don't know her body. If you can and you want to and it doesn't hurt you, go for it. Yeah. But I think it will hurt you and you also won't be able to that's the thing it's like i don't want to yuck anyone's yums here i'm sure there is someone out there who puts their balls in someone's vagina or i'm sure there is someone with a vagina who accepts ball deposits sure like maybe it's just got like an extra two like smaller gaps at the bottom of the vagina.

I mean, the vagina is a versatile... I know. I'm being funny. I'm thinking of a key. You know? There's a dick hole. Yeah. Just let it eat.

Sam Fisher's eyes. Hold on. Big if true. Is that what the butthole's for? Oh my god. Is the butthole for the balls? B. Butt.

B. Balls. Hole. Hole. You put things in holes. B, hole. Well, think about it. Behind, balls are almost behind.

Think about every sport. What are you trying to do? You're trying to get the balls in the hole. What if you're going to put your balls in your own hole, your own butthole? For safekeeping, so they can't put them in the vagina. Yeah. Keep them out of the way so they don't slide in. Yeah.

Oops. We need to do another question. Yeah. Are you ready? Mm-hmm. Nope. That's the Yeah. Oops. We need to do another question. Yeah. Are you ready? Mm-hmm. Nope. That's the charts. Okay.

Just pick a number, bud. Three. Three? Okay. Let's see if I have three questions. One. I hate that you're still scrolling. How long is that first question?

It's very. This is by Leo Cleo. Hi, three-year-old female. I'm going to meet my fiance, 25-year-old male's family for the first time. He wants me to lie about what I do for work. My fiance and I have been together for a year. He's from out of state and tomorrow we are flying to his hometown. It's the first time I'll be meeting his family.

He told me to lie about what I do for work to avoid scrutiny. I'm an exotic dancer and college student. Pays my rent, bills, and tuition. I don't feel comfortable making up a gig. I don't feel comfortable saying I'm unemployed either. I don't feel comfortable lying in general. I'm not ashamed of what I do. I feel like what difference does it make? It's going to slip somehow someday. I will not and

do not boast about it. In my opinion, that's his family's problem. If they're going to judge me who I am as an entire individual for my job, low key, a tad anxious. I don't know. What would you do in this instance? I understand the hesitancy of being like, if I was working in the sex industry or the adult industry of any sort, I probably wouldn't drop that on. We do work in the sex industry. I guess technically we do.

Yeah, true. I don't know. Like I get the both sides of being like, yeah, I'm not going to drop that. I work in porn or I'm a dancer or I do OnlyFans or whatever yeah, I'm not going to drop that. I'm a, I work in porn or I'm a dancer or I do only fans or whatever. Like I understand not wanting to do that, but I also understand the idea of being like, well, this is who I am. This is what I do. And if I was ashamed of it, I wouldn't be doing it or anything like that mentality of being like, yeah, I'll do it.

So I don't think there's any harm in just being like the liable mission, right? Of just being like, I was doing a bar. Yeah. I work at a nightclub. Yeah. Right. I don't think there's, I think that's splitting the difference. Yeah.

And then if someone really wants to be like, oh, what kind of bar? Then like, you could just be like, ah, just a regular nightclub or whatever you want to do. But at the same time, if I was dating someone who was in this industry or a similar industry, I would have to be cool with the idea of people knowing that. Yes. I think it's both ways. Like, I fully understand someone not wanting to talk about it, but I also understand if you want to.

And I think if you want to, go for it. Yeah. You know what I mean? I do think it, you know, it's like you can take your partner's feelings into account because some people's parents aren't chill and like them not wanting them to know isn't necessarily them being a dick or anything. It might just be them being like, they know it's not going to go well for you, for them, for everybody.

And I don't think that's that bad. I don't tell my partner's parents about my sex and dating advice podcast. I don't think they would enjoy that. You know i would am i ashamed about it no do i talk to my parents about no like you know it's just not worth the my mom calls it the show she won't pronounce or how like that well it's funny i thought they knew about it because there's been kind of like coy references and it's not exactly like i'm that you know coy about it really i just don't specifically talk about it so last time i was home they mentioned your podcasts and i just thought it was an open secret that they again don't want to be like fuck because

they're old irish people and they don't you know but when we won the awards there's like oh we won three awards like best fiction best production and health and fitness. And they were like, health and fitness for a sci-fi D and D podcast. There's like, no, it's for the other podcast, the advice one. And then they messaged my brother and sister, like, what are they, what's he talking about? What advice? And I was like, oh no, you have no idea. I guess you weirdos.

So it's just funny. So I get it. Like whatever, if you really want to talk about it tell your partner so they're aware and then do it but know that if they know their parents aren't going to take it well their parents aren't going to take it well yeah follow their lead and be like are you telling me not to do it because you're embarrassed or are you telling me to do it because it's not worth the headache for both of us if it comes out that really is it comes down to it and you have to be chill a bit like every now and then like you gotta swallow your pride a little bit yeah because

you know that someone's family is a little bit too yeah and the thing is like i'm sure there are times in your life where you don't tell a complete new stranger or a job interview or someone at school what you do. Right. Yeah. I'm sure there is. So is this that much different? And it's like, can you swallow your pride to in this situation?

If you can't, that's fine. If you can, maybe it's just easier, but it is up to you for sure. So you warned me that we have, we've got a doozy of a bad sex, right?

That has been sent in from a wonderful, I guess, hopefully new listener let's kind of flip the script a little bit let's do it now so we have time to discuss okay and then we'll end the show we'll figure something out sure so what i love about this is it was sent with because it doesn't seem real but it was sent with receipts. And by that, I mean. Big if true. Big if true. By that, I mean, they sent this person. So backstory, not naming names, obviously.

They were classmates. There was a previous email about textbooks that is written in the exact same, shall we say, style as this. And then when the course ended, she got this, shall we say, proposition. Okay. So names will be changed. Give me an agent name for this wonderful list. Fireball. Dear Agent Fireball, and this is the email they received on their student account.

It's a sad occasion to quit the Romantics course so soon. Blank, as a professor, bears the Romantic flame with such elegance and gusto. She is truly a teacher with such a passion for the material. To be plain, I fancied to speak with yourself in private yesterday, to bid you farewell, but I thought it rude to separate you from your entourage of friends. I can say, without a single inhibition, that you have a beautiful mind and personality of ease, rare traits to find in the university setting. Because of these traits, I find you utterly captivating and desirous to further exchanges with you. If this is agreeable to you, and if you utterly captivating and desirous to further exchanges with you.

If this is agreeable to you, and if you wish to share time together after class is finished, I would enjoy being in your company very much. In any case, should you have any reservations about being together, I'll respect your privacy on whatever grounds you might have, be it familial, personal, or amorous obligations, and won't vex you further than necessary. Regardless of the response, I do hope to hear from you. Ever so affectionately, blank. What the fuck was he talking about at the beginning?

Was he just going on about the teacher first? Yes. Before moving in? Yeah. Okay. I guess they finished this course, and he was like, yonder, what pizzy there be.

I can only imagine this man's profile picture is him in a fedora. Like, you have to be like, you literally have to be wearing some sort of not wearing a fedora. Is he wearing a hat? He's not wearing a hat unless it's cut off. You can't really tell. Oh,

okay. The joke, like the m'lady, I doth offer my cap to the, like, that's this, this is that you're doing the bad joke that people make about men who are bad with women,

and you're doing it. Use the word vex. Yeah, you're excelling at it. You're not only doing it, but you're doing it so well that it comes off as parody. It literally feels like somebody wrote us a fake thing, which, again, I appreciate the receipts

because they're needed yeah i feel like it's ai and the prompt was write me a you know have a cringy neckbeard emerges from basement for first time wearing fedora and chain mail only to see woman he likes and email her yeah you know ask me out after a course has ended. Like that's like, that's what it feels like. It's so painful. And again, as a bartender, I see this happen a lot and not specifically this, this style, but I see people outside like yelling up to the patio upstairs.

Like it's a balcony. What lights on yonder patio breaks but i watch men specifically almost exclusively every now and then a woman will surprise me with her absolute inadequacy of social graces but usually it's dudes doing the thing that like are universally known to be hated by women right like and i would say people in general yeah always blows my mind and i just like i always want to just grab them and be like you know that no one likes this right like has this ever worked for you or do you is this your only move and are you do you go home and get really bitter and really insolent about that because this isn't working but this is the

only thing you've ever done and like you're so far up your own ass and removed dude that do you know how vexed he was when she didn't respond to this email i'll bet i remember a while ago and i think i might have told this story on the podcast already where a guy came into work and he was again like a prompt of neckbeard right if you were to draw the stereotypical and i remember seeing him having that flash in my head and I'm being like, I'm being a dick. I shouldn't judge this guy. What am I doing? And he sat down, was rude, and then was like, if you see two attractive females,

I'm waiting on them. And I was like, oh god. Yeah. And then he was rude and weird and it was awful. Don't do this, guys. If you have to break out your thesaurus or it sounds like you're in a Shakespearean fucking monologue, like, why would you talk like that? Yeah.

It's like if you're writing and you're like, oh, I can't see blue. I have to be like, oh, it's aquamarine or like, oh, it's shiny. It's pearlescent and it's quavers in the mid morning. Like, no, you the more flowery and eloquent that you're getting, the weirder and more off-putting it is. And that's as simple as reading a paragraph, let alone trying to be romantically, you know, interested to you or like peaked, turned on. Yeah, it's very, very frustrating to, it's not just this either. talking about it with a dude the other day at my bar who was going on about how he was saying that like he's like oh when i date i'm single they're dating me i was like what do you mean and i was like oh this is an andrew tate thing he's like yeah yeah andrew tate like this is how andrew

tate and i was just like how's that working out for like how many people are you dating right now i'm single yeah and i was like okay great are they dating you no yeah and you know i mean i'm just like that's kind of thing i was like you walk into a room filled with women of all sorts and you say can you put your hand up if you would find me attractive if i said i base most of my dating philosophy on andrew tate i would be surprised if you got any hands ever yeah right like we aren't, there are, there are going to be some,

yeah, we know there are some out there who are looking for a conservative, traditional valued man. But even then it's like, yeah. And I'm just like, so surely if you know that the majority of the women that you're going to be encountering hate what you're putting down and are quite vocal and quite enthusiastically

anti what you are, are projecting as like your philosophy for dating. Why do you think you're going to have any success? Well, cause women actually secretly love Andrew Tate. Big, if true, big,

if true, it's frustrating to me because surely this man, like he must know the stigma. Must he? I don't understand how you would think this is good anyway, but maybe you're so unaware that you see this person on TV or something and you don't understand he's being mocked. Yeah. I don't know. But look, don't get weird like this.

I don't know how better to say it if you're pulling out your thesaurus to write someone a fucking message you're doing it wrong firstly here's my thing yes i agree i think there is something to be said about being flowery and prosy in a romantic context if you want to write poetry i never know when i'm not going to tell you when the right time to do that is but if if this is your opening volley, this is your trying to ask someone out. The best way to ask anyone out is directly and clearly. Yes. Right.

And this is not it. And on top of that, with prior contact, that was good. You know what I mean? Again, if this is just a cold email, because the only other contact, at least via email, was like about textbooks. Yeah. You also don't want to just cold cock one of these out to someone even if it is normal or at least best yeah i mean like

if you're classmates and you see someone and like you realize this is the only chance i'm not against as long as it's courteous and yes you can be chill it's still probably not the best way to go about 100 whatever right like if this email was just hey i saw you i think you're really cute you always had really interesting things to say in class and you seem to be really really smart and all those things are are quite endearing and i would love to grab a drink yeah if you're just like hey obviously no worries if not which i guess he's trying to say he does i would love to hang out with you and then they're like oh sorry not and you're like oh no worries yeah i'm vexed that would be so much better because that wouldn't be a joke no one would go hey i'm gonna send this into your podcast because if you did i'd be like

oh okay why yeah he shot his shot he was respectful he was kind he was concise he was clear granted like it might be weird if the fact that he never talked like we could talk about the circumstances like hey it would be better if you did know them right whatever at least you did but like you could have told me if you told me that you sat beside this dude and chatted with him every day in class and you had great rapport you had great chemistry you got along well you thought he was attractive and then he hit you with that yeah i'm still gonna say it's a no yeah although what if he talks like this 24 7 and then the entire time you've been having that good rapport, he's been talking like that.

Then I think he gets a pass. Then I think that's the only way this is okay is if you've talked to him and he's always like this and you've been vibing, but then again, you wouldn't send this in. You wouldn't send it in. So just guys, come on, come on, come on. This is 2024 Small and true Yeah

Small but true At the end of the episode we like to hop onto online dating platforms Such as Tinder Bumble Hinge This is going to be a rapid fire session Just fucking hit me Dane's been on Mouse Mingle all week Fuck I forgot to get on Mouse Mingle God damn it I'm sorry

This is Haley, 34. About me. Couple. Chat for more details. Open-minded. Pretty boring, but I guess they have important information. I'm gonna give it a three. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you're trying to skirt the Tinder rules of not having a couple's account.

Yeah, but you're kind of still doing it. I also don't think Tinder has ever enforced any of those rules. I see literally everything that they always are like, don't do this. Remember when I brought that list of changes? Yeah, that's never changed anything. It's like if you are a couple. Get on field or something. But also presumably you would want to give reasons as to why people be with you.

Like you're the one searching. People are, I think, wanting the third more than the third is wanting a couple. Right. want to give reasons as to why people be with you like you're the one searching people are i think wanting the third more than a third is wanting a couple right so like you're the ones that kind of have to sell yourself so like you can still be like couple open-minded but then be like we like x y and z or we do whatever we actually had a couple send us in a question on a live show i believe and we recommended that they do something, and they have changed their field. Oh, the Icebreakers. Yeah, something. I don't know. Either way,

they changed their field profiles to be more personality-based, and have done incredibly well since, according to them. Because I think they were kind of what this person might have been, hung up on, like, oh, this is about sex. This is us trying whatever. And it's like, yeah, cool yeah cool people still want to fuck a person so give us the people

and that's going to be a lot more hot right so put personality in there yeah it's a three and mainly because it's just not racist and also like you don't say what you're looking like are you looking for a group play are you looking for a third are you looking for there's like honestly i don't even know if you're looking for a couple really it's kind of unclear i assume you are a couple but yeah this is milana a bunch of instagram and snapchat information toronto girl with down south roots cowboy hat emoji food is my love language have lived in china and dubai previously that's it that's it again it's like you hint at interesting things, but you say them in the least interesting way possible.

You know? So I think you can do better. I'm going to give it a six. I'm going to give it a five, because I feel like at that point in time, it is entirely dependent on... It is still so bland, right? But at least it hints at something interesting.

This is Arian, I think. Who? About me. My Uber passenger rating is 4.97. Life is too short to be serious. I'll settle for a squash partner. And then their Instagram. Okay, I like that. I always find it funny. I don't know why

I'm charmed by people putting up really high passenger ratings, but I'm sure it'll get old, but I actually do find it kind of charming. And you like squash, so life's too short to be like, yeah, I get enough about you. I could do it more. I'm going to give it an 8. Wow.

We're bleak if that's it. I'm giving it a 6. Because again, it's no, I'll give it a 7. I'll give it a 7. There's a little hint, little hint, but I need more. I 7. I'll give it a 7. There's a little hint. Little hint. That's fine. I need more. I feel like we haven't had a good one in a while, so I think that's where I'm at. This is Amanda.

About me, I'm adventurous, caring, honest, silly, and respectful. I like to have fun. Looking for the same kind of energy. Sparkle emoji. I'm extremely picky, so best of luck with the application process. Like, bleh. Emoji. I got a ravishing cat emoji.

Go to the last pic for evidence. It's an actual cat, I hope. It's a very cute ginger cat. You know what? That wins some points. I hate picky, good luck with the application process and that fucking, I assume it's winky tongue out, like, bleh, silly face. That should be a red flag, I think, actually.

If that face is on your profile, red flag. For me. That's going to be a fucking four for me. I'm sorry. It's going to be a five because the cat. The cat is... The cat's doing... He's sitting at the table at a placemat.

And he's ginger, which is Dane's weakness. He looks like a very polite... Yeah, have you ever seen the meme where it's like... No animals. Yeah. That's it. And it's like a frog? Okay, he looks very polite.

Yeah. What do you give it? I'm giving it a I'll give it a Don't look at the cat. I'll give it a five. This is Isabelle. French. Currently living in Canada. IT consultant. Digital marketing. Fitness. BJJ. DJ. So boring. I love that you do BJJ.

But that's boring. Right? I want to hear about what you do BJJ, but that's boring. Right? I want to hear about what you do with the BJ. Big if true. Big if true. I'm going to go through a couple more here real quick. Okay, here's a long one. Is it going to be good?

I don't know. Probably not. This is Kayla. Like a man who goes out of his way to treat a woman special. I like chivalry. I like a man who is attentive with values. Hey, bad so far. Like a man who is thoughtful and kind.

If you're not looking for anything serious, please swipe left. You have 24 hours. Also bonus if you like country slash big trucks and farm animals. Oh god. This is not like, I do appreciate being like, do you like farm animals? Hell yeah. I like that.

But, you have 24 hours what does that mean what's it mean from the time we match just get on bumble she has trucks and farm animals that will fuck your day up you have 24 hours yeah time is limited yeah if you match with her you have 24 hours kind of like the ring yeah like oh oh no no fuck do i have to like her or is it just seeing the profile oh no you just have to watch the movie I didn't see it don't turn that phone my way One of us Actually turn it my way we can't do this podcast with only one of us A lot of them are just memes

He prayed for her She prayed for him God answered both of his in his timing I hate that Okay that's gonna be a fucking three for me Chivalry and like I want thoughtful Like no shit. No one wants a thoughtless partner.

Yeah. Actually, it's going to be a two. I'm giving it a two. That's going to do it for our show, friends. Thank you very much for hanging out with us for this hour. Once again, we have a live show coming up January 18th, Black Sheep, Toronto 7pm, Dora, 7.30 show. We will start without you. We've done it

before, so don't think you can just stroll in late. Don't think we're going to holding their show for you. We won't hold the show for you. But so far, we haven't stopped the whole show. And someone comes in and be like, hey, why are you late? Well, yeah, no, because we are recording it for us. It would look bad on us as much as we do want to shame you. But we will look at you disapprovingly.

I won't because I just stare at Dane the whole time. Yeah, I will. Yeah. Dane, Dane's going to do the stare. He's going to reflect my stare from his eye bulbs onto you. You'll see how disappointed I am. But please come. It's fun.

Go to FBuddiesPodcast.com. Yep. And you'll find the tickets there. Yep. Live shows. Then right down at the bottom, you'll see it. Yeah. Reserve now brings you right to it.

Or go onto our Instagram or anywhere, pretty much. Look up Black Sheep on their events, their experiences, shall I say. We won awards. You can find us on BlogTO. We love you. We recently were in a post on HuffPost on an article talking about single traditions at Christmas.

So we're everywhere, and we want you to be everywhere we are, which is a show, January 18th. Please be there. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Seeds for the song Paper Stars. are everywhere and we want you to be everywhere we are which is a show january 18th please be there thank you josh eagle marvis for the song paper stars thank you for being here and we love you yeah this is usually where we would do some bad sex writing but instead here's what i'm thinking oh i got nothing i was really hoping so excited i really thought i was gonna get something in the zero hour and i was i was panicking i was looking around and I... Damn. Here's... Okay. We didn't start the mouse mingle. I'm going to get mouse mingle.

Okay. Again, depending on how much it costs. Here's how we'll end the show. Sorry. You were in the middle of a thing and I couldn't... No, no, no. I still was vamping. Just look. We have a Patreon and we put stuff on it. One of those things is Pillow Talk, which is our other podcast. You may not know about it. It's

a lot of fun. It's pretty much this, but we get a little bit more loose. Usually it's a little unhinged because it's our second recording of the day. We just did a new year's one where we discussed all the Pornhub trends and kind of like Tinder trends of the year. It's always kind of like a hit. Please join us on that. The support helps us to do the things that we're doing and keep the show going. And we love you,

but we're probably going to say goodbye now. So if you don't want to join, but you do want to support us, give us a review, share us with a friend, give us a post, follow us on Tik TOK. We have funny videos going up there all the time,

our live show, a lot from our live show. And you get to see our most recent video went pretty viral on instagram uh of dane being horrified by a man putting uh scented lotion on his dick so we love you guys my name is niles and i'm dave miller we've been your fuck buddies you