F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 276 - The Vagenie

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

I'm not entirely sure if he grants any wishes, but, lemme tell you, there's one very easy way you grant his.  Topics include Niall's mean era, getting so obviously scammed, reservations about hitting it raw, cold approaching, too many options may kill this man.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dan Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners, and we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday, and also on stage. That's correct. Our next live show will be February 8th. Wait a minute. That sounds like a Our next live show will be February 8th. Wait a minute. That sounds like a day that something special is happening. It does sound like a day that something special is happening. It's our good friend Stephen

Bartholomew's birthday. Hey, Stephen, this episode's for you. But wait, it sounds like there's something else as well. Maybe something real. Also, our good friend Marcus Barth else as well. Maybe something real. Also, our good friend Marcus Bartholomew. I'm going to walk right out. We have a very exciting guest joining us on February 8th. It's kind of like a pre-Valentine's Day get-together.

It's beating the rush. And we decided to invite our lawfully wedded pod wives to the show to entertain you the way that they entertain themselves and their audience on their canadian podcast award-winning show it is the wonderful maddie and live from 30 going on 13. i like how it sounds like you are announcing them and they're about to hop on this call right now, but they are in the closet with me right now. Okay, I can see this is on video for the first time

ever. So they're just off camera. They're right here. I would hear them giggling, Dane. I've made sure the mic isn't pointed their way. It's a very sensitive mic. You got me. Yeah. So if you come to this show on february 8th and why wouldn't you you're gonna get outstanding health and fit

health and fiction no health and fitness you're gonna get outstanding adult show you're gonna get outstanding comedy show you're gonna get me you're gonna get dean you're gonna get maddie you're gonna get live it's gonna be fucking great so come have a blast. And it works if you love or hate Valentine's Day. It's both pro and anti-Valentine's, depending on which section we seat you in. And what I really like is Niall and I have made a career being a sex positive podcast. Maddie and Liv have frequently and consistently described themselves as sex negative. So I think we're going to have,

we're going to have a real great dynamic in terms of not only talking about the terrible shit that we talk about and Maddie and Liv crying on stage. I'm, I'm excited. It's going to be a great night. It's going to be a lot of fun. If you haven't listened to their show, please head on over to 30goingon13 and check them out. And then you'll

see why you have to come to the show. We've been to every live show they've done and they've been incredible. Yes. I would say their show was incredible, obviously. It won a Canadian Podcast Award. But I would say they

they thrive in a live environment i think they they are like audience succubus unlike the two of us they are actual performers as well so i went to school for performing okay unlike me everyone on the stage is gonna be i mean like they've done they've done stuff what the fuck does that mean they've been on stage prior when were you on stage when were you on stage I was in the production of Billy Liar when I've done all kinds of community

theater I did yeah that doesn't count I've also been on film that's not stage I'm sorry Dan I was trying to give them a compliment i inadvertently stabbed you in the face i love you but this week we're going to be talking about can i ask my catfish boyfriend for a social security number what do you do when your best friend betrays you on your podcast it's cold approach real being stabbed in the back by your best friend i matched with

three women at the same time what do i do i mean look we've had this conversation several times we've talked about it every chance we get you have a classic sitcom three-way date running from place to place just jump into answering it right now. What do you mean? We were still in the... Oh, I thought that was the first question. I thought... Did you forget what I said the first one was? You are not on point right now.

You're so thrown by my betrayal. I'm reeling from the devastating attack that I received. Good thing you're going to edit it out so I don't look like a bad guy. Absolutely not. You're the bad guy. guy dane told me to say it and now he's trying to like turn the tables on me it's a weird move i'm making a campaign in 2024 for best host and this is the sympathy vote oh fair this is by spiritual cookie 1070 am i wrong to ask my boyfriend for his social security number i want

to run a background check on my boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he's a catfish. We've been talking for over a year and never met in person. He says his phone is broken. We've never spoken face to face on a video call. He has asked me for money, promised to pay me back, and then hasn't given me a penny. I gave him money for a flight and he canceled and then didn't return the flight money. He makes me send him money through crypto.com.

He doesn't sound like a scammer. He sounds like he cares. He has decent excuses, but he has avoided me in person and has admitted to lying to me about how he spent some of the money I sent him. He wants my login information for myid.com. Says he needs it to complete an application so he can get money to visit me. Something about me being a personal reference, but he won't explain what the application is for in detail. I won't let me fill it out myself. I told him if he needs that

info, he should give me the same info in return. He says he doesn't have his social security number, even though he was apparently filling out financial paperwork. He won't give me his state ID either for a license or something. Am I wrong for asking? Am I wrong for wanting to run a background check on him i love that you're like you literally listed what internet scammers do for the first half of your question and then you follow it up with you don't sound like a scammer because hey hey darling he literally literally could not sound any more like a scammer yeah you are sort of you it's like you went to www.whatisascammer.com and are just reading the things on that site the he's like straight up stealing money from you how much

money have you given him oh god i don't even want to know and the fact that likeers, it's through crypto.com. Like, I can't. Is 2024 the year that I stop being generous and just be like, this is your fault. You know better. And if you don't, then it's time to learn a very hard lesson. We've been so generous and so gentle. Is 2024 a mean year? Maybe. It certainly is yours.

Okay. All right. Like, look, if anybody asks you for money, you should probably weigh it pretty seriously because it's the number one way that, you know, friendships die, taking or giving money in that sense so it's the thing you should be very careful of anyway in your established relationships with people you know and love if someone's like damn yeah my phone's just broken and i can't see you and just send me money though it's fine like how about this here's a rule don't give anyone money until you've met them in person and like and maybe don't talk even then a text i assume his phone's broken yeah i know a computer and no computers have webcams

yeah no no webcam or microphone in any modern computer no it's like i you've got to stop just everyone everyone stop put down what you're doing just stop. Just everyone, everyone stop. Put down what you're doing. Just stop. And just for a good 30 seconds, don't do anything and just say, hey, am I doing something stupid right now? And it doesn't have to be dating or sex related. I'm just saying, like, there's a very good chance that is it? Wait, wait, wait. Why have I spent five years podcasting?

Why have I done this for five years? So much time every week spent on this. Uh-oh. I don't even get a paycheck. Uh-oh. I opened Pandora's box. We're going to be doing podcast stuff tomorrow, Dane, for like 12 hours straight. Yeah, that's a lot of podcast.

It's a lot of podcasts. I wish you hadn't said that to me. Okay, guys, we're going to end this episode early. Maybe there won't be one next week. We got to 10 minutes. This is bad. And there's so many things we need to talk about. One, if you've never seen a person, and you've never talked to them, if you've never seen a person and you've never talked to them and you've never met them and you've never web chatted with them, you're not dating them.

Like they're not your boyfriend. I'm sorry. They just aren't. I don't care how deep the connection is. I don't care how romantic they are. I don't care how in love you think you are. You're not dating someone you've never met. You're not dating someone you've never met. You're not dating someone you've never talked to. You're not dating someone you've never had any sort of experience with outside of

anonymous texting. You just can't. And I'm not saying that you can't have long distance relationships. I'm not saying that you can't have mostly online relationships. You can, but you can't have a, you can't call someone your boyfriend and this is i'm sure there's someone who's going to fight me on this i'm sure there's someone who will who will come at me for it but you cannot call someone your boyfriend if you've never met them yeah nor should you and and it's it's wild to me that someone would go to that length and then ignore all of the obvious signs like like how did we get to the point where people like i would say under the age of like 50 and below why are we all not so fucking suspicious

of everyone everywhere always and not just online like when we were kids we were told watch out for stranger stranger danger and when we were like when we first all started getting on the internet and chatting and getting on message boards and chat rooms and stuff, they were like, hey, everyone on the internet is a pervert. Everyone on the internet is a creepy old man who's going to fucking kidnap you. And so it's like I was never told that, to be fair. That's because there's no creepy old man or perverts in Ireland. No, it's true. It's like the snakes.

St. Patrick drove them out. Snakes and perverts. Snakes and perverts into the ocean. No, it's true. It's like the snakes. St. Patrick drove them out. Snakes and perverts. Snakes and perverts into the ocean. Only one of them survived, and it's the better one. Perverts. Oh, damn, you heard it here first. Dane, not a performer,

supporter of perverts. I just don't understand how you could ever believe that any person in this modern world does not have a phone for any extended period of time let alone a laptop there's like we have too many ways to take pictures and videos we have an abundance of them like does he not have a have a does he have an instagram account does not have a fucking friend who's like hey yeah dude borrow my phone for an hour it It's cool.

Or like, hey, like, I'll get a laptop or like it just it doesn't make sense. There is no there is no way on earth ever. Somebody is out of commission, out of contact for any extended period of time. And they're not scamming you. And even just like, look, they asked to borrow money. They didn't like it would be one thing to be like hey i had a car crash i need money to fix my car okay there's no way of confirming that's fine you're still getting scammed you're still getting scammed but like there's no way of

confirming that but to be like hey i need money for a plane ticket to come see you and then he doesn't do that and then also doesn't send the money back. Yeah. Like the man stole from you. Like, I don't understand how you haven't moved on from that. Yeah. And even then he also on other occasions was like, yeah, no, I did lie about what I spent your money on. Sorry.

Like also you're not getting it back. Yeah. Like just this man should have been dumped an indescribable an amount as long as his fake social security number that number that's how many times he should have been dumped by now yeah like the second he asked you for money before meeting you or anything else you should have been like absolutely not stranger on the internet that i've never met yeah it i i just like y'all no stop stop getting scammed i'm gonna walk around with a holstered spray bottle and just just spritz people like you're all being bad kitties right now you're all being kitties like knocking stuff off the fucking

counter and instead of the counter or a cat it's you and your financial well-being don't give him a password to anything i don't care if it's your fucking neopets account just don't and yes dump him don't don't even bother asking for a social security number because he will scam you on that too somehow i'm sure yeah it doesn't yes it doesn't matter just dump him right now don't just ghost him just cut all ties. Yes. Or no, sorry. Fuck. Forget everything we just said for the last minute. You need to scam him.

You need to say, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Something happened and there's been a block on my account. I need to pay $200 to get the $10,000 I'm going to send you out. Right. And because you've fallen for his scam so many times, i think you might actually be able to get away with it and are you gonna recoup all your losses probably not but is it gonna be really nice to abscond with his like two hundred dollars yeah yeah it will so i say you get him back and then ghost him yeah i wanna get him back i wanna scam him right back because he's got me 90 times i love oliver rigo i don't know why it took me so long it's you know what it's because that the first song

i don't remember what it was called but the one that's exactly the paramour song and i was like another pop person trying to the first song was driving License. Okay, whatever. The one that really popped off. Yeah, Driving License. Driver's License. Okay. This is from Sex Throwaway. Wanting raw sex? Boyfriend is concerned. I'm a 23-year-old female.

Boyfriend is a 23-year-old male. We've been together for two and a half years. I've got the implant. Yay, next plan on. And I take the pill. Regulates my cycle more effectively and he's still worried that somehow i'll get pregnant if he hits it raw i don't know how he can how i convey to him that the risk is infinitesimally small i love this man with all my heart and see a future with him

but at some point i want to be nutted in well like one i was very confused when you started reading this question because i was like i don't, I don't remember you saying this at the top of the episode. I realized you broke our sacred covenant just to make jokes. We've been doing for like four weeks, which has been great. Let's be fair. And this was the most special day. Cause it's finally recorded Dane.

Yep. And you shat all over that. Okay. If this question was reversed and it was like, my girlfriend's on the pill, I should be allowed nothing. Her. We would be very quickly being like,, dude, it's what she's comfortable with. And you know what?

Hey, girl, it's what he's comfortable with. Yeah, his body, his choice. Exactly. It doesn't matter if the risks are low. It doesn't matter. It matters what he's comfortable with. He is not comfortable with doing it. So that's it i could have like a genie could come out of a woman's vagina and be

like dane don't worry you can come inside of this person completely risk-free nothing bad will happen there will be no pregnancy you have 100 guarantee that you can do this with no consequence of repercussion and i still would be like like i don't know if i could physically did you say he came out of there yeah okay yeah that would give me that would be a, like, I don't know if I could physically. Did you say he came out of there? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That would give me, that would be a whole other can of worms.

Like, I don't know. I realized that would make me incredibly suspicious. Dude, you're getting scammed. I would be so scared. The vagina genie would flee. Also, like, I wouldn't want to wreck his house. You know what I mean?

Genie is just like, I figured out how to get you covered and come. Yeah, I would. Oh, I know. I wouldn't trust that at all. Also, if I rubbed it, would he just pop out again? Because I will be rubbing that thing.

I definitely did not think about the logistics or the lore of the Vagini. The Vagini? The Vagini? I didn't even mean to say that. I fucked that up. I meant to say Vagina Genie, and I just kind of... The Vagini is... Guys, we're ending the episode early for the second time.

This time, because we have... It's a good one second time this time because we have it's a good one this time not as bad as our last one it's there's no way we're gonna go up from here i hope you play the theme tune after each time we end the episode even just for like a second my point being if if i could see the future and i knew that there would be no repercussions to ejaculating inside someone i think i would still be very weary and probably uncomfortable doing it. You know what I mean? Like, I think I've just been so conditioned to be like,

no, bad. Look, I'd probably do it, but not every time. I don't know. Like, it doesn't matter though,

if we would or we wouldn't. No. What matters is he doesn't want to. And that's the thing. It's like, you can't force somebody. You know what I mean? You can give them the facts if you want and just be like, look, the risk is very small.

But more importantly, I think you also need to talk about what happens if the worst does come to pass. If you do get pregnant, talk, have that talk. See how you feel after that. And like maybe if you're both on the same page, that'll ease some of his fear. But also if it doesn't, that's it. Like you can't force people to to do things nor should you yeah i mean like you said it right off the top if this was a dude being like she's on all these things she's there's all these precautions i should be able to nut in

her why won't she let me nut in her how do i convince her to let me nut in there we'd be like shut up dude yeah and to just further that point a little bit is also the fact that you listen to what he says and if he says hey i'm not comfortable with it you know have the conversation exchange facts exchange everything and if he says hey i'm not comfortable with it don't then continue to ask don't then continue to badger he knows he knows you want it he's not gonna forget it and if he ever gets to a point where he wants to he will yes and i think it's very important to leave that conversation with like look i totally get it the door is open should you choose to go in wink yeah and that's it like by all means leave him with the option again not that that means you now have that option forever

consent could be changed at any time. We all know this. But don't, as Dane said, keep asking. Don't press. Don't guilt. Don't make snide comments. Don't punish or withhold for that reason. And especially don't just one day decide, oh, it's fine if I just shove it in. You know what I mean?

Because I literally was dating someone who did that before. And I was like, what the fuck? And they're like, I'm on the pill. It's fine. And that turned out they lied about that. So don't be a piece of shit because again, if a guy was to just shove it in, we would be like, hey, crime. So be fucking chill, but you cannot force

again, nor should you for people to do things they don't want to do. Yeah. And like their solutions to this is have like have the play. You know what I mean? Like turn it into a game where you guys have come to the real or the conversation and the decision that, hey, I'm not comfortable with this. And you say, hey, that's OK.

That's fine. This is still a fantasy of mine. Can we role play? Can we engage in sort of dirty talk, perhaps? Like maybe when you're getting close, I beg you to come inside me. But I know, like, please know that I understand your hesitation, but it would be hot for me to go through those things. But you still have 100%, you know, agency in not doing it. And I won't be mad, I won't be sad, but it will, it would help fuel my sort of like need for at the moment.

You can also do simple things like, if you have the ability to sort of like flex for at the moment you can also do uh simple things like uh if you have the ability to sort of like flex your erections that can also simulate the the feeling of ejaculation inside during times of stuff like that there's things that you can do to play in that space without actually going up a male cup of mayo please don't please. I can't even. I know there's people out there getting scammed. I can't even make jokes. The Vagini is so allergic to mayo. He's vegan. Yeah.

Hey, also, just because Niall said it, please don't put vegan mayo in there either. No. So the Vagini has special gills. He can breathe in vagina fluid, and he can breathe in cum. He cannot breathe in mayo. Yeah. Immediate death for the Vagini. He can breathe air for a little bit, but only long enough to be like,

you can definitely cum in here, dude. He can get that out and then he's back in. Yeah, he will gasp these things at you and go red in the face and then slip back in. That is normal. Cum! And then slithers back in. That is normal. Come on.

And then slithers back in. That's basically it. Next question. I think we nailed that one. This is by Charlie Monger 69. Is cold approaching women in public a real thing? Is it creepy? I want to improve my dating life. I'm 27, live with parents, decent job, but not getting anywhere socially. I used

to have friends and an ex-girlfriend pre-COVID, but all that stopped. And at my age, it's becoming extremely difficult. What do you mean you used to have an ex-girlfriend? I was going to say, hey, don't worry, man. You still got an ex-girlfriend. Unless- Yeah, presumably. Unless COVID got her.

Or she smothered in mayo. Yes. Where am I? Where have I gone? I'm naturally an intro introvert but i can handle myself in conversation i've tried a bunch of social groups did mma stand-up comedy and even got really good at salsa but for some reason i never clicked with anyone no one wants to make friends or hang out at my age and everyone flakes in those groups at this point i've given up making

friends i'd say i'm an average lucky brown guy grew up in canada and never get matches on dating apps i have zero interest shown to me i can can hold conversation fine. I go to clubs and bars solo, but it's difficult without a wingman and not drinking because I have to drive home. Usually I end up getting nasty looks if I'm bothering them. If I try to initiate a conversation with someone, I'm walked away. At this point, I definitely get desperate and look for anything that works. So I found this subreddit called Sejection. They suggest cold approaching during the day. I've heard of it before, but never tried it. It feels weird. It makes me anxious to even attempt because I imagine it makes women really uncomfortable. It seems to work though. And a lot of the guys in the subreddit have results,

surprisingly. Hell, there's a whole industry around this stuff. Somehow they talked to someone randomly and got a date, which is more than what I can say. I've never cold approached anyone outside of an organized social event before. And the idea seems daunting, but who knows? Maybe there's a way to do it properly in a non-creepy way at this point i just don't see anything else and if they got results surely there must be something to it i also work downtown so there's that but yeah i don't know if it's weird or not or just how people perceive it i'm way too socially uncalibrated to see what's acceptable and what isn't want to hear some opinions thanks i feel like we've answered this question before and yeah in various ways but this is interesting to me because it's outside of seduction.

And it's also he's done all the things we usually tell people to do, right? Like we usually tell people, join a club, do a class, blah, blah, blah, do this. Yeah. I think the problem here is, once again, the intention and the goal isn't to better your life right your intention is to i'm gonna go to mma to get women i'm gonna go to salsa class to get women i'm gonna go to this to get women or i'm gonna learn these skills or i'm gonna get into shape in order to get women and that needs to be like you need to get that out of it. We've talked about it a thousand times. People sense desperation and people can sense your intention. So if your

whole fucking steez is I'm going to roll up into a club and you can be the nicest guy and you could be the most respectful and you could be the most, you know what I mean? Like put together person. But if you go in there and the only thing you're doing is look at like waiting and lurking and and waiting to get to and again i'm not saying this as like a creepy thing you could literally be the suavest motherfucker in the room you know leaning against the bar sipping a cool drink but could be more suave definition of suave you know i mean like you you could be fine in terms of like your outward appearance but people will pick up on the fact that that's what you're there for. And the second that,

that whiff gets put into the air, everyone knows it. And now you're just a guy going from woman to woman to woman trying to get a date. And it's just like, it's, it's so weird no matter who you are. And I know I don't want to say this,

but also being alone and sober, not really a great look. Yes. A lot of the things you do in bars and clubs are around people and drinking. Again, not saying that you need to drink, but what I'm saying is if all you're doing is going from girl to girl to girl and you don't have friends and you don't have a drink, it's like you're just, you're red flags everywhere. So I think one, I don't think cold approaching is going to be any different because it's a worse version of what you're doing now. So you're just going to get worse results. In no way is it better than you approaching people in clubs or bars.

But, and also you say it right off the top. It makes me anxious. I don't like it. It doesn't seem, I feel like women aren't going to like it. Those are your answers my dude like most often than not the woman you're approaching doesn't want anything to do with you and again i'm not saying like i'm sure if i did it enough i would be able to find and and charm a number of people and get a number and maybe a date out of it sure could it work absolutely but every approach can work eventually with the right person the right combination and and the right amount of numbers like a lot of

seduction i think is absolute bullshit and i think half that bullshit is people trying to sell their service and the other half is people just trying to like essentially do fiction online to feel cooler you know do do some of them work yeah for sure but again dane just said it you could go like eventually something will work. That's the thing. If I told you, like, it's the reason why we never give, like, steps, right? Like, when people ask things like this, we're not going to tell this guy, be like, well, the first thing you need to do, you got to go get a haircut. Then you got to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know what I mean? Like, we don't do that because it doesn't work like that for everyone. Well, haircuts can be good. Sure, but, like, I'm bald. That ain't going gonna do shit for me and what is bald if not the ultimate haircut it's true but like the the thing is it's like an approach that would work for nile might not work for me and it's not that nile is better at it it's just what he's playing to his strengths don't don't fucking nod now that we have cameras going. It's on video, motherfucker.

I got you dead to rights. No, exactly. And if something went well for Dane and I had it on video and I studied it and went up to someone in a different place, different girl, and did the exact same thing, guess what? Probably wouldn't work for a number of reasons. Mainly different girl, different place, and me me not like it wouldn't be natural. It would almost expressly not work. So let's be real. You couldn't do what I do.

I couldn't. I couldn't. I got all this hair in the way. But so I think step one and Dane touched on it earlier is you went and you did these things, which again, is advice that we give and I think is good advice, but you did them, it seems dishonestly or disingenuously because you said, I used to do these things and I stopped because I didn't get friends. What you need to do is go out and do a thing that you would do regardless of whether or not you made friends because you're doing it because you're passionate about it, right?

Yeah. If you fucking love salsa and you kept doing it because whatever you would build connections because you're there you're genuine you're having fun and it wouldn't be your sole focus of just make friends fine girl right so i think that is step one is fuck doing these things to whatever like have friends do things to better yourself and by that i mean do things you enjoy and the other things will fall into place purely because you're stepping away from this like falsehood you're being more genuine and you're enjoying yourself more and those are two huge fucking things and like i don't know how much time you've committed to these things either right like are you doing like a two week introductory? Okay. Yeah. Like, like, is that how much you're doing it?

Or like, cause I mean, I went to karaoke at my karaoke bar for a very long time. And it wasn't until sort of like the last year or two years that I started, like, I have a regular group now. I have like my karaoke guys and ladies and people. Same thing with like when I was boxing boxing i went to the boxing gym for like five years and i think i hung out with people outside of that maybe twice because i wasn't i was going there to work out right like i was it wasn't a social thing for me so it depends on like what you're doing what other people are doing some people are like a lot of people aren't going to

mma to be like looking for my new BFF, looking for my wingman. They're going there to to relieve stress, get fit, train for a fight, like any number of things. And being social probably isn't at the top of their list and things like that. Much like you were saying with your two examples, like I've been going to various climbing gyms for a long time. And it's only in the last i would say year that i've started to make like climbing friends i would actually see like outside of the gym it started off as like oh the the passing chat and then we knew each other's names and then blah blah blah blah and it's like that was fine because they just kind of happened because i was there to climb if i had day one been

like oh fuck we talked hey you want you want to hang out you want to like i think they'd be like oh no thank you there's a certain level of chill you need to have think of like imagine you went to a place and you talked to a dude for like 20 minutes tops and he was like hey add me to facebook you're like okay great sure let's add you to facebook and then and it's like there's nothing wrong meaning creepy out you had a nice conversation whatever but then like the next day he's like hey man want to go grab drinks hey man want to go do this like yeah we're all busy I barely have enough time to see the people I want to see let alone like the dude I met very briefly like if we're going to be in the same place if you're all like you know if I was if I met you at trivia night and you were like hey you're gonna

be at trivia night next week and I was going going to be like, yeah, for sure. But what I carve out like special time for this new guy. No, probably not. So like you need to temper expectations. And I understand finding friends at this age is difficult. Yeah, it's 100% is. I don't want it to seem like we're saying it's easy or that it's hopeless. It's definitely not hopeless,

but like, sadly, much like dating, you do have to have a certain level of chill and genuineness and, and commitment, you know? Yeah. Like you,

you need, like, it's not going to happen over, over like one day, right? Like you're, I feel like you're expecting being like, Oh,

friendship isn't as serious as relationships or dating or, or sex or whatever. So it's like when I meet someone and we vibe, we should be friends now and it's like it's still a relationship that you have to foster and work on it takes steps and it's like and you can definitely move too fast or move too slow or yeah get them at the wrong time you know what i mean some people are busy some people are desperate like it's almost exactly like a relationship. Yeah. A hundred percent. And if anything, I would say it's more difficult to find friends because most people already have some,

right? Like, so what's like, not a lot of people have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So like, while you're dating, you, you,

you might be a little more desperate or you might want to, you know, shoehorn a relationship into something, into someone that might not be the best fit. But with like friends, it's like, well, I've already got my group of friends. So I'm really like, to you know shoehorn a relationship into something into someone that might not be the best fit but with like friends it's like well i've already got my group of friends so i'm really like it's not a big deal if i don't pursue this one yes exactly and like there are additional like relationships fill a certain niche you know usually as dave was saying like it could be one person or a few

where it's like you can have friends for fucking two decades from like high school and shit. And on top of that, it's like sex can overpower, not even like you could have sex with someone purely because you like sex and not really like the person and make excuses and blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah. Whereas like with friendship, you're just kind of just friends, you know? Yeah. So you need to realize that friendships also take a lot of work and are difficult, but you'll have a better chance of doing them if you're genuine about your passions and you're at a place for more reasons than to just make friends.

Yep. I'm going to hit you with my next question because I did read it at the start because you didn't read any out. Whose fault was that? I believe it was mine by being a meanie. This is by Remote Country 9409. I matched with three women around the same time and by being a meanie. This is by RemoteCountry9409. I matched with three women around the same time, and now I feel well stuck. I, 26-year-old male, matched with three women in the span of a few days on Hinge. I already had started talking to two of them and even went on a date with one of them yesterday

in a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. The day went well, and she wants to meet again. I already had plans to meet the second woman, and I think this date will also go really well since we seem to share a lot in common. The third woman matched me today and expressed extreme interest in me and I'd like to get to know her too since she seems really interested. I thought maybe I could try talking and going on some dates with the three of them and figure out from there who I'd like to continue a relationship with but I feel like I'm being dishonest. I may end up leading two of them on. It's also getting a little difficult responding to all three girls at the

same time. We text and occasionally talk on the phone. I'm also afraid I might be getting myself in trouble because there's a possibility of them finding out potentially ruining an amazing opportunity to genuinely date one of them. I don't have much experience of being actively pursued by multiple women, so I'm trying to figure out what is the right way I approach the situation. Any advice on how I should handle this? I appreciate the advice in advance. Thanks. Okay. I kind of led with the great idea at the beginning of the episode.

Whether I left it in or not or cut it out, I don't know. It depends on how it was. So you might not know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'll cut this out. Who knows? There's two things I want to talk about. First, you're an insane person if you think they're not talking to at least three other people on these apps. You're an absolute fucking lunatic if you think you are the only

person that these three women are talking to and there's nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with that that's what dating apps are for that's what dating is it's seeing other people until you find someone that you don't want to see anyone else with um but you have the hilarious opportunity to schedule three dates in the same bar or three bars nearby and have yourself a good old-fashioned sitcom style running from bar to bar to seat to seat to seat to seat or changing outfits probably changing outfits for sure you have to make sure like they have to be different style restaurants right right? Like one needs to be like a nice, like, you know, suit tie place. Yeah.

The other one has to be, you know, maybe yeah. Dive bar where you're wearing like a flannel, like a, like a club where you're wearing like a mesh tank top and you're, you're swapping between all of these pieces. You get to one and you realize you put the wrong thing on.

And the people in the Italian restaurant are like, why are you wearing mesh? And then you're like, mama mia, I can see your nipples when i drop italian saw tomato italian sauce on my chest it doesn't soak into my fancy clothes and it does spread on my nice body and they go damn make that that makes sense i am not suspicious anymore and they say bellissimo. They do. They do. And they say ciao. They do. What other things do Italians say? Honda Civic. Okay.

That's another personal attack. That's another mean, mean attack from Niall again. How is that a mean attack from me? What does that mean? You know. Now I can't tell if you're joking or. You know. Well, Niall's getting canceled this episode, y'all.

I just. So, importantly, because we're saying it's okay for them to do it, guess what? It means it is okay for you to do it. This is what, like, this is what dating is. Yes. What you are describing is dating. You go on dates with multiple different people. That is allowed until you have a conversation

with someone and you say hey i would like to only date you exclusively and that person says agree yes i would also like that then you are in a monogamous relationship where you're not dating other people unless you for reasons known only to yourself only want to talk to one person at a time, which is totally fine once you only have that expectation for yourself. However, you do say you're worried that one of the women finds out and bails and ruins an opportunity. Guess what happens if you just talk to one at a time? You're losing out on those two other opportunities. And if someone on a dating app is like wait hold on a second you've gone on another date with someone else and also you're talking to someone else on a dating app

and they get angry at you that's not going to be a good relationship i'm going to tell you right now that's going to be a bad relationship yes if they can't like if they just don't know the bare basic societal rules of dating if they don't get it what else do they not get yeah and also just like like if that's where we're gonna start we're gonna start in jealousy territory on a dating app like you're you're in for it man like you're not gonna have a good time it's gonna be fucking miserable yeah so you one dating apps are meant for the almost express purpose of talking to multiple people at the same time. That is what they're there for. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able

to have multiple matches. Right? That's boom. Two, you don't have to worry about missing out on an opportunity. If someone somehow finds out that you're having other dates with other people and talking to other people, that's a missed opportunity that you don't want to take anyway. Yes.

If they're freaking out, then you've dodged a bullet. I know. I will say we have pretty much alluded to it. But again, people are out there getting scammed. So let's be let's be specific. If you give someone the impression that you are exclusive with them or say you're going to be and continue to date people, then you're a shithead. Of course. And we're saying don't do that.

And I also think there's a difference between leading on and dating right yes if if you are seeing these women and you are interested in all three of them if there's something that sparks in you that that's okay you can pursue all three but at some point in time you might have to sort of have a hard conversation with yourself and be like is this person a fuck yes and if they're not be like hey i've had a really great time with you you're awesome you're kick-ass but i'm i need to call it quits or i'm gonna move on or you know it i don't feel the i don't feel the spark and i would like to like you just do it respectfully you know you do it in a time frame that isn't malicious uh because i don't want to put like a specific like four weeks or whatever it's like you know and that's the thing it's like you it it's i think what's important is when you realize

right if you know things aren't really going like if she's like uh you know you like the attention or you want to keep fucking but you know that they want a relationship and you only have designs on the other two women for example but you continue to see this person because you want to fuck or you like the attention but they think that you're heading towards somewhere you've already made a decision on at that point you're leading them on yes but that's not to say that you can't have a conversation with them and be like hey i don't i don't want to pursue a relationship however having sex with you is really fun like the the sex that we have is incredible so i'm like i would be down to have like an occasional casual thing with you if you are. But I understand that if you are looking to date with a little bit more intention, then I just want to let you know where I stand.

I'm comfortable with, you know, these parameters. If you're also comfortable with those parameters. Yeah, great. But I just want to let you know that, know that I don't think I really want to pursue a long-term or a monogamous relationship. But that's expressly also not leading them on because you're communicating and being honest. Yeah. It only becomes leading on if you're being dishonest, really. And by that, I mean, if you know where it wants to go, I just explained a second ago. I don't need to do it again. Yeah, that's going to do it for this episode, friends.

But before we go, we're going to hop onto some dating platforms such as Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, in which you can only have one match at a time. And we're going to help you find that singular match right now by looking through profiles, seeing what works, what doesn't work, and effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. My cat is freaking out. This is Nameless living my best trash goblin life. My pronoun is chaos. My personality is PB&J. I prefer nights in than going out and love quiet cafes. Carpe YOLO, am I right? I'm equal parts willing to screw God's mistress to assert my dominance. And please don't look at me with that tone or I'll cry. I hope you'll also

laugh as hard as I do if we're kissing and I start to make vomiting noises. The look of terror on a face when that happens is priceless. I also collect action figures, so you know I'm awesome. It's, like, this is tough, because I know some women in my life who would probably write a profile like this who are incredible.

Yes. But I also, like, all it gives me is, like, I'm so random. Rawr. Like 16 year old Internet girl energy. Yeah, it's it's weird because it does. It really toes the line. There's a very thin line between love and hate.

There's a very thin line between cringe and funny here. And like, I honestly don't really know where it ends up. Yeah, that's my thing personality type pb and j that's pretty funny oh i just got that right like that's pretty funny i like that and i like that it's it's playing on on the bullshit i don't really know why the trash goblin life is my pronoun is chaos it's like i don't know it's like the right person can pull this off and the wrong person this would be just harrowing yes i think this would i think it would come down to i think i've got to give it a five like i gotta put it right down the middle i think this might be the

most flavorful five we've ever given because i fully agree i think it is so good at parts and so bad that it really i don't know which way to go. So despite the fact that this has personality by the bucket load, I think it's a five. I think it would really, really, for me, depend on the pitchers. If I find this person very, very attractive, I would be like, yes, I will gamble on this. But if I found them not all that attractive, I'd be like, I don't think I could handle it. Not worth the risk. Yeah.

So I think that's, I think it's got to be just the dead center five. The most flavorful five. Most flavorful five. This is Helen. Sport, travel, and outdoors lover. I just want to pet all the dogs. Let's do something together. Really into mustaches right now.

None of this is unique or interesting you like sport what sport you travel where when like you like mustache that's the only like that's the only thing but i think since top gun came out everyone's into mustaches so like you're also not unique there it's a fucking it's a four because at least i know actually it's a three yeah i'm giving it a four because it's it's like it like there's nothing bad in it it's boring and it like it will heavily depend on your my my level of attraction to you to bump you up into a plus five right swipe territory this is this is blank and what i love is the person that sent this in, I know it wasn't like they didn't match with them,

but wherever they found this, this person is an exact match and meets all their preferences for somebody, which says a lot, I think, about the person. So they are nameless. I'm a father to three beautiful, amazing little sex trophies. If you want to know anything, just ask look is that what you're calling your daughters i so your kids they're i see yes it took i was like are you saying your kids are hot like what and and then i was like it took me a while and i was like it's a trophy for having it's a trophy you earned from having, like, hey, still shit. Yeah.

Still real bad. Still a bad thing to say. And also the fact that if your profile at any point makes someone go, does he want to fuck his kids? It's a bad profile. Yeah. Because, like, in my mind, I was thinking, like, trophy wife. Yes. Or, like, sex doll. Yeah.

If you're saying sex trophy, like, I'm not thinking them as actual things yeah it's the thing even that not great yeah by any metric so i think it will be a zero for me good sir yeah that's gonna get a zero uh this is sid i don't care what your star sign but i do want to know what your favorite James Webb telescope or space telescope photo is. Oh, I like that.

It's great. That's fine. I like that. That's an eight. It's got some sass. That's an eight right there. It tells me so much. I'm going to give it an eight as well.

I love it. Great. You did it. And you know what guys that will do it for us today. And I would like to thank Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities. The Setties? Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. I would also like to thank Dane for performing tonight. Thank you.

On this stage, thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. It's been great. Thank you very much for coming out. Once again, our next show, February 8th, with our good friends Maddie and Liv from 30 Going On 13. Please check out their show. It's so fucking funny. And if you don't believe me, they won a Canadian podcast award for best comedy series.

Yes. Yeah. So it's like, it's not even just us. It's all of Canada. So every Canadian got together and voted. And this is what we came up with. So, you know, it's good. It's going gonna be a

fuck it's gonna be an unhinged show i'm just gonna say that right now yeah shit's gonna get weird and it's gonna be so much fucking fun so come along uh black sheep seven o'clock it's gonna be great fucking hit us up on any socials also i will say we have a fucking tiktok come join our tiktok please yeah we we post some fun videos up there uh we've been popping off a little bit on instagram lately and that's been a lot of fun so thank you to everybody who's been uh joining us for those we've gotten a few multi-thousand view videos going if you're not if you don't follow us on instagram please do if you don't follow us on tiktok please do because we need it we got to get viral get big bring you guys on a cruise with us somehow uh but if you just follow f buddies podcast on

tiktok you'll find us uh you got some bad sex writing for us oh i have some terrible sex writing for you this is from the book presumed innocent by scott turow the last time i slept with carolyn she pushed me off from her in the midst of our love making and turned away from me at first i did not understand what it was she wanted but she bumped her behind against me until I realized what it was I was being offered. A marble peach. No, I said. Try it. She looked over her shoulder.

Please. I came up close behind her. Just easy, she said. Just a little. I went in too fast. Not too much, she said. She said, oh. I pressed in, remained, pumped.

She arched, clearly in some pain, and I found suddenly that I was thrilled. Her head lulled back. Her eyes held tears. Then she opened them and looked back at me directly. Her face was radiant. Does Barbara, she whispered. Does Barbara do this for you? Damn, Barbara.

Maybe you should. Maybe Barbara is a wise woman. Get some lube, dude. Or, you know, preheat the oven a little bit. Get her going. Well, foreplay never hurt anyone. It's not her oven, dude. Oh, it's the butt?

It's the butt. It's the marble peach. I thought the marble peach was just like, you know, she was. No, I think it's. She got an anal. It was an anal. Yeah, okay, that's fair. I thought the marble peach was just like you know she was bent

over and there it was no no they were already fucking she rolled away and then was like also if you want to do anal don't just like bump your butt against someone and hope they get it talk no i think that's it i think that's what you do i honestly i like to proclaim, I'm offering you the Marble Peach. Mmm, yeah. But you have to proclaim it. Yes, there are times where I just say, present thine Marble Peach. I would like to stick my marble... Step of ages. My marble banana inside of it.

Hate that. Yeah, it's not great. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. We've been your fuck buddies.