F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 28 - Red Flag Burrito

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

Hey friends!  We hope you enjoyed our master prank for April Fool's!  We're back to the show you know and love now and this week we're bringing you all levels of cringe.  Topics include unprotected sex, the porn ban, the no cuddle policy, period sex, a bumpy penis and dead child turn-offs.

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spang. And we are... Don't you do it.

Shit. Your fuck buddies. Uh, ooh. Jesus. Did we break the glass? Did you break the glass? I think that was just really weird. Ice clunking.

Oh yeah, I think it's the ice. We're good, yay! Don't think that we broke the glass. Oh yeah, because I cheers by myself, Dave. I held it and you forcefully crashed into it. Well, it's new. Am I right? Oh, boy.

We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations. Welcome back, guys. I hope no one was too upset by our April Fool's joke. Yeah, we figured we would just go all in. God damn it, that's not what I meant. But, yeah, we wanted to commit to the bit. So if you happen to see our Twitter. So if you are never going to listen to us again, if you're not listening to this episode, fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, if you're not listening right now, fuck you. Yeah. Piece of shit. You never came back? If you are listening, thanks hey how's it going what's going on welcome back on this crazy ride we call podcast um do we just you know i actually want to tell you a story um because i meant to talk to you about it like two weeks ago and i just remembered it today um i was at the mall it sounds like you're about to dump me no okay we need to talk. I was at the mall. It sounds like you're about to dump me.

No. Okay. We need to talk. I was at the mall and there was a lady and she was pushing her stroller and something happened and a bunch of the shit fell out from the undercarriage thing. And I was like, I was walking past

and I feel like it would be a dick move. I'll just go mug her. Yeah, I'm just going to steal this shit. But no, I was helping her clean up, and I grabbed, like, one of the, like, the kid's coat, and then I tried to hand it to her, and she just kept, like, putting all the stuff in, so I was just, like, holding this coat,

and then, like, she stood up and, like, checked her phone, and I was still holding the coat, and I was just like, I think this is yours. And she's like, yep. And just wouldn't take the coat from me, and I was just like, what do I do? That's when you just draped it over her head. I just kind of like put it on the fucking stroller and then it just like slid off again.

And I was like, Oh, okay. So he just backed away. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, I just walked away.

That's super weird. I was just like, what is, what is happening right now? That's really weird. I don't know why I thought of that, but like, I feel like I hate when you,

you try to do something nice and it devolves because I find very quickly my nice spirit turns into my bitter spirit. So I'm like, oh, here, here, here. Fuck you. Throw out the ground. Stamp on it. I'm like, there, it's dirty. That's what you get. Yeah.

I was just like, I don't. She just lit on fire. Just like held it out. She probably wouldn't care. Lit a fucking lighter over like on your right hand side and just slowly drift it over and just see if that changes anything. If not, just, like, shrug your way out of that situation. I could have probably taken that child. Mm-hmm.

And she probably would have been like... Maybe she wanted you to. Maybe that was her, like, plan. Maybe she was just like, well... She was waiting for you to put it in the coat and just walk off with it. Yeah, you've got the coat. Maybe just call for something to that baby over there. Yeah.

Fits perfectly. And the coat's like, you know, the hammer of Thor. It's like, whosoever wields this coat wields my baby. Yeah. Maybe the baby's a weapon. Or maybe she's just like, everyone can take this baby. Just anyone. That's fair, yeah.

If you could pick this coat up. She just walks around spilling things, hoping that's cool. Oh, no. Now you have to take my baby. I want to talk about something as well. Okay. And it's honestly, it's not really a question. It's just I was talking to someone about dating and relationships and stuff,

and they were talking about a date they were on, and it just kind of triggered one of those things that I've experienced and I'm sure you've experienced and I just fucking hate. Can you stay on topic and continue to talk about things that you saw people drop at the mall? Oh, sorry, yeah. That is our podcast. Well, I met a guy earlier on who apparently just published a novel

about trains in Bermuda, which was actually very interesting. I'm not joking. Now, is it like trains as in like the Disney cars? Are the trains like people, like Thomas the Train Engine? It's Bermuda. Of course the trains are people, Dane. Why would you ask that question?

Sorry. No, apparently they had an automobile ban back in like 1908 all of a sudden because of tourism so for like 40 years there were no automobiles set to like spring up this whole system of trains and it

then became obsolete really quickly when they were unbanned it's a very weird story have you ever seen the Nightmare

Samario of people like explaining how terrifying the Thomas the Train Engine universe is no that's another story.

No, I was almost on topic here, guys. So, I know, you were actually on topic, and I derailed us. So, a friend went on a date with someone who, like, brought up religion, I guess, and he was like, just once people are nice to each other, that's kind of my thing. And she was like, I'm not a nice person. And, like, have you ever seen that? Yes. Like, at Tinder, someone's like, I'm not a nice person and like have you ever seen that on like yes like at tinder someone's like i'm not a nice person that's like or like someone person boasts about

oh i'm not a nice person hey fuck you i think that's not okay yeah like if you ever actually think you're not a nice person but you're just chill with it then you fucking suck yeah or anyone who's like yeah i'm a bitch or like i'm an asshole like anyone who says they're fucking what's the goddamn phrase uh brutally honest like to me i'm just like no you're probably just a fucking asshole well like brutally honest is one thing right you might secretly be an asshole but at least you have an excuse for your assholeism you know what i mean i think it's the other way around and you could also be shit and not think you're shit and yeah you still suck but to be just like yeah i'm straight up just a bad person and like admit it and just be okay with it and then tell on behalf of religion no i think she was just or trashing religion i don't know i think she i'm a good christian but i'm a shit person i

honestly have no idea but i've been in that position when people are like yeah i'm a bad person i was like what why would you ever one want that to realize that and not try and fix it and three boast about it yeah that's not okay like just it's one of the most annoying things ever when someone thinks that's a good thing so go fuck yourself yeah like if like you know even if someone's like yeah i'm a bitch like if they're just in general that's not great if they mean it in like a when pushed or in certain situations i can be sure that's one thing but like when you're just like yeah i'm straight up terrible it's like cool why the fuck would i like i would love if everyone's response from now on was like cool

why should i stay at the stale with you why should i date you why should anybody date you just like like scoot back on your chair and make it like screech really loud and just like leave no just do that out the restaurant the whole fucking why would you say that um so if you're not a nice person, let us know why you say that. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, I know why they say it. They're fucking wildly insecure. They're trying to come across as cool and whatever. And, like, well, it's just, like, it's one of those things where, like, it's their defense mechanism where if something starts going their way or they start feeling belittled, they can, like, just be a complete fucking tool.

But, like, I just, I don i don't like and even if that is your self-defense mechanism why are you boasting about being a bad person well i mean like again it's the same thing it's like people being like i'm brutally honest it's like you're probably just fucking saying shit that no one wants to hear like for no you know what i mean like there's one thing if someone asks for your opinion but like nine times out of ten people who describe themselves as brutally honest are the people who like will be sitting at a fucking like food court table and like just lean over and be like, your hair, it's ugly.

Hey. Okay, cool. Thanks. It's the headphones. Um. Well, let's get to the questions. Yeah, let's do it. All right.

I'm going to go first and we're going to start with the user submitted question. You ready? Yeah. Okay. Are you lover oh no oh no um oh no are you lover hey guys can i just make a request from you can you not send us fucking porn yeah that's that's our that's our request can Can you not? Can you just not send us porn, please? Like, I don't know how this came about, but we had maybe our best interaction. And by best, I mean worst. So we get a message. Are you lover? I mean, you are girl or boy?

Oh, this isn't even like the start. They said HLW, which I don't know what that means. Yeah, no, that's not even a word. Then they go, are you lover? I mean, you are girl or boy? and we kindly explained we were a dating podcast um and they say how to do fuck without condom brackets fuck buddies tell me then sent us a porn video then said it's right fuck video for health tell me then another porn video then said it's right or wrong it ends quite politely because we said please stop sending

us porn they just said okay and blocked us so that was weird and also why just why i mean well here's our thing i'll answer his question well i think we should actually answer the question um how to do fuck without a compo well first uh am, am I a lover? Yes. Yeah. Are you boy or girl? I am a boy. Okay. I am also lover and also a boy. And then in order to do fuck without

condom, you just don't put Take the condom off. Yeah, or don't put one on to begin with and then do fuck. Well, I think in a more detailed detailed capacity uh i do think you should ensure that you are both clean of a sexual clean sexual bill of health yes um you should ensure that you have safeguards in place for not getting pregnant unless that's what you want uh which i didn't i know i cannot even guess as to this person's desires other than to do fuck.

And maybe just have some lube on hand because, you know, sometimes condoms kind of ease the entrance. So if you require a little bit of aid, then make sure you got that on hand. And, you know, some talc on the mess. It's about all your boy got for you and uh whether it's right or wrong it's uh it's entirely up to you guys that's a question for jesus and also can consent if well if she doesn't want to uh do without a condom you don't get to do without a condom oh yeah if anyone in the situation wants to do with a condom and the other person doesn't then you don't get to not use one yeah so yeah it's one of those like all

or nothing situations where everyone has to not want to use it everyone has to be on board uh so that's that's how you do fuck without a condom there you go we we did answer your question you porn purveyor of podcasts also who just saves porn videos because he wasn't sending us links he was sending us videos i know and presumably i didn't click on it why were they sending us videos it doesn't make any sense presumably because they were doing fuck without condoms and he was just like this is what i'm talking about this right here here's an example you imagine that the videos were illustrative to a certain degree i don't know i don't know either just what I worry about is from the start

of this podcast till now the things the responses or like the messages we've been getting have been steadily getting worse

apart from the real ones we're getting yes which have been steadily getting better um I'm just I'm worried about

what the future will bring I think it's gonna be this like perfect balance of... Awesome people. Awesome people sending us great shit, and then just the dregs of society and mankind sending us... Porn. Porn.

Yeah. And look, I've got nothing against porn. No, it's cool, but... I just don't want to watch it from a person who's a display bitch, or looks like they might be a 12-year-old girl. Yeah, I don't know to watch it from a person who's like display bitch or looks like they might be like a 12 year old girl. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what was going on there.

Also, I feel like I would be as inclined to open a video of random porn a stranger gave me as I would be inclined to open a strange box of food and eat it that a stranger gave. I don't know what that's going to do to my laptop or my mouth. I'm not clicking a fucking video. I'm not clicking anything. I don't even care if you send me a picture or like a video gave you. I don't know what that's going to do to my laptop or my mouth. I'm not clicking a fucking video. I'm not clicking anything. I don't even care if you send me a picture or like a video of Warren. I'm not watching it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nope, it does not matter. What if I need to know how to do fuck? With or without a condom. All right, next question. Insert clever comeback here. All right. This comes from a Reddit user, ByBurrito. ByBurrito?

And by as in like bisexual or two, the Latin for two. I wish I had two burritos right now. How do I tell him he cuddles too much? I, female 21, am currently friends with benefits with this guy, male 24, and we're having a good time together. I like hanging out with him and he has a great sense of humor. We have great fun conversations, and the sex is nice. However, he likes to cuddle. A lot. He also kisses

me. A lot. Like he gives me kisses on my face and neck. I mean, that's kind of normal. No, that's super weird. When we're trying to sleep, he's always cuddling me. I'm not a very affectionate person, especially not when I'm just friends with benefits with someone i am sure we are on the same page as he doesn't expect us to be more than friends with benefit as we openly talk about this multiple

times my point is the cuddling and the kisses is a bit too much um to the point that it genuinely annoys me and makes me think about breaking it off i'm not sure there is a lol i'm not sure how to tell him to back off without coming off like a dick. What would you guys do if you were in my situation? So I think a very important part of this is whether she's bothered because she doesn't like cuddling and kisses or whether she's bothered because she's worried it signifies more. Because she does seem to kind of hint at both. Because she does state that like specifically not in a fuck buddy situation and or whatever so like if it's the kind of thing that you're worried about how it

comes across in your certain situation even though you're kind of sure that he doesn't want to take it further then i think that's like yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna lean more towards like the fact that she's just not a cuddler but she says specifically in a fuck buddy situation which leads me to believe that she has this mental well she says i'm not a very affectionate person especially yeah yeah and then she says i'm sure we're on the same page but it seems to me like the issue might stem from the fact that she doesn't think that's fuck buddy appropriate material you know and i know people like that which is why i'm kind of jumping to that conclusion either way i think if that's clear in your head and you know that you just people like that which is why i'm kind of jumping to that conclusion either way

i think if that's clear in your head and you know that you just don't like it in general just let them know yeah that's a very easy way especially like at night you say like you're too warm you can't sleep with someone cuddling you like both things i feel on a goddamn daily basis like fuck that i i need like my own separate bed almost. Yeah, I adore cuddling Amanda. But let me tell you, unless it's, like, one of those things where we're just, like, in bed and, like, in the middle of the afternoon we've lied down and passed out, that's pretty much, like, the only time I can really cuddle. But, like, at night, God, no. Yeah. Like, I actively, like, if we're going to cuddle before we go to bed, like, on the rare occasion where we go to bed at the same time, um, like I get her on her side of the bed and then

I cuddle her on that. And then you roll away. And then when she's out. Which is probably like that. Yeah. Immediately. What is with that? How do people do that?

I don't know. It's, I mean, I'm, I'm glad because I never want her to not be able to sleep, but like, let me tell you, she literally has a fucking like hour, hour and a half, two hour nap on the couch before she goes to bed. I'm like, if I did that, like I fall asleep on the couch, like watching movie for like 10, 15 minutes. And I'm like, I might as well have just had an eight hour rest. I never fall asleep.

Like, yeah, I literally never do. Never can. Like my girlfriend's the same. She's out like that. Like it takes half a second. And she can also, she likes to have a nap before going to bed. It doesn't make any sense to me. Anyway, exact same with me.

I like to have my cuddles at night. Again, I do find it strange that we both have the same thing where like if, for whatever reason, the afternoon or like the evening when it's not bedtime and you guys are cuddling, maybe after you did something or maybe maybe whatever i can actually fall asleep for cuddling in that sense when it's nighttime i don't know whether it's because my brain's like oh it's bedtime or whatever you know the other sleep catches you unawares the sleepy nose coming yes either way i'm the exact same like i can't cuddle it's too fucking warm i need my space i need my sprawl um so just tell them that i don't think anybody's gonna yes it's one of those things where if you're just like, Hey, like I appreciate it. And like, I'm glad you're into like this, but like, it's not really my thing. So like once the sex is done, I kind of need my space. And like a lot of people cuddle because they think they should or have to, you know, like

a lot of people think it's rude to be in a bed and not be like, you know, and I've had people be like, Oh, you're going to be over there. And like, yeah, like, is something wrong like past two partners or past however most recent partner or whatever is super into cuddling he might just think that like oh like this is just like sort of my my behavior now and like it might just be one of those things that kind of has to be unlearned or at least like he needs to learn your language kind of like thing and also he might just like it and either way like he's probably gonna be okay if you're not you know don't be mean but if you just explain that like you're not super into it you're like and you don't have to just be like i hate cuddling you you can just be like like it's very easy to say like you're too warm or sleep or whatever and like roundabout go to it that way and they'll have the same effect

the kissing on the other hand um i again i would say tell him but I do feel like there's a lot more potential for being upset in that case. Yeah, I don't know if she means during sex or during foreplay, because getting into it without at least a little bit of making out is a bit weird. Have you ever been with anyone who's been like that?

No. I had this one person who, after we'd slept together three or four times, was like, yeah, it just adds up. I don't like kissing. I don't want to kiss three or four times was like yeah it just adds up i don't like kissing i don't want to kiss at all i was like what yeah i'm like it was awful it made sex feel like a transaction yeah that's that's like like like there's movies about why like prostitutes don't kiss yeah like i don't know it honestly it was it was kind of a big turnoff for me because i just like i didn't enjoy it as much and it also just made me feel really strange about

the person so i don't know but at the same time once you're still kissing maybe it's just too much well it's like i don't know if it's one of those things where like if they're like hanging out or like watching a movie or you know making dinner and it's just constantly like kiss kiss kiss that's what i'm imagining it's like but again a lot of people take like in kissing during sex and physical things during sex, that's totally fine for fuck buddy situations. But kissing outside of that, people can get really weird and put a lot of weight on it, which is why I think this question is centered around that. Maybe. I feel like if they were in a relationship, they wouldn't give a shit. But I'm wondering whether it's the actual physical act they don't like or just the mental associations with it they're putting them on edge and like i'm

sure you've been in fuck buddy situations where people are overly worried about like the line to the point where like like it's always great when you're with someone you can just be natural but when you're with somebody and they're like oh we can't do that because we're fuck buddies oh we can't do this like oh it's been we never have? I have been with some people where they have, like, this... It's almost like the people who are like, oh, it's been a month, we have to date, or where they're like, it's been an hour. If we hang out longer than an hour,

I don't know if this is still a fuck buddy situation. Or like, oh, we can't kiss while we're not fucking. Or like, you know, just... They have all these arbitrary things in their head, and it's kind of exhausting. I don't know if that's specific. I know what you're talking about, though. All right, hit me.

I'm going to go with another user-submitted question. Do you want to do an agent name for this one? Yes. Agent Eagle. Agent Eagle. Okay. So, thank you, Agent Eagle. Agent Eagle. Okay. So thank you, Agent Eagle, for the lovely message, by the way. We appreciate it.

I'm going to add another thing so it's a little cooler. Agent Freedom Eagle. Ooh, Agent Freedom Eagle, friend of the show, says, Looking back on my dating experience, I want to ask you guys what you think about having sex with women on their periods. My ex-girlfriend wanted to do it in the past, but I was hesitant about it and didn't go through with it. You know, personally, I'm just not a big fan.

If someone, like, all the times I've done it were people just being like, oh, like, you know, I want to fuck, but I'm on my period, and them being like, well, I don't really care, so if you want to. Like, if they want to, I'll suck it up And them being like, well, I don't really care, so if you want to. If they want to, I'll suck it up and do it. I don't know.

Suck it up? Because I don't enjoy it. Oh, I see what you're saying. I'm sorry. Continue. Yeah, I don't know. It's just, i don't know just the sensation of it all is not and like blood dries in a way that's not pleasant or conducive to sexual fun i will say like i don't mind it um not like into it you know i'm not like yeah that's my kink but it doesn't bother me whatsoever um i have found

like and again like i will or i won't like, I don't really care, but I know a lot of people, funnily enough, uh, I find a lot of girls are very against it. Um, and like some, I've been even surprised at like the fact that I would be down for the possibility. And then later on are like, cool with it because like, they're a lot more sensitive and like, let's be fair. No one wants to not be able to fuck for a week yeah um but like you know some guys aren't into it some girls aren't into it some guys are super into it some girls are super into it like it's one of those things where like whenever i have done it's usually just been like oh it's one of those days where it's not that

strong or you know it's not that dramatic and like either you'll do it in like the shower like lay the towel down or something like you got to be careful about you know collateral damage but uh in general i think it's one of those things where like if you're not okay with it like that's okay you don't have to be okay with it like it it is like a lot of people aren't cool with blood and a lot of people aren't cool a lot of things so like you don't just have to be just because it's like uh you know a natural bodily function let me tell you the first time i did it the the like the psychological shock of seeing your dick covered in blood is it's it's a bit unnerving like it is yeah because you don't associate blood with fun um or my dick yeah exactly like of of those like you know those

like games where you used to like draw lines draw lines to, like, the words that match? Like, blood and dick would never be matched up. How do you think you go erecting? Well, I don't have to see it. That's all inside. Your dick isn't see-through? It looks like those, like, cold wraps that you get in Asian restaurants. Like a translucent?

No. Yeah, and, like, I get that. But, like, yeah. I don't know. I think it's one of those things to each their own, but like, I don't think you should ever feel obliged to like, if you don't want to do it, you're like anal, you know what I mean? Like, like everyone, there are people that are into it. There are people that aren't. It's like, if one person, there are people that will do it. Yeah. Cause why not? Yeah. I mean like, again, I'm not a big anal dude, but like if, and yeah, I'll, I'll do it. The, the, the times that I've done it have

been because the girl has been like i'm really into it it's like well i'm not against it it's not my favorite thing but like if this is something that's going to please you yeah why not i'll do it yeah um at least every now and then i just feel like it's one of those things where everyone again everyone should be comfortable with it or not yeah and like if if you're with someone and they don't want to do it cool that's totally up to them if you're with someone and they don't want to do it, cool. That's totally up to them. If you're with someone and they want to do it and you don't, that's also cool. You know, I don't think you should ever feel obliged to.

Yeah. And if you've never done it and you want to try it out, there's also no harm in being like, yeah, that wasn't for me. Yeah. You know what I mean? At the end, you know what I mean? Like just so there isn't the expectation that this is like now the norm. You can definitely have a talk afterwards and be like, hey, like that but uh just you know it's like not really my thing yeah so i do think it's one of those things where like don't feel pressured into doing it on either side of

this situation but also don't feel like it's taboo i don't i think it's a pretty normal thing i think a lot of people do it yeah um but there are also a lot of things you can do when people are on the period anyway that like you know like the cl generally, like, out of that whole situation if you're, like, you know, if you quest carefully. And, like, you know, it's also super sensitive during that time usually as well. So, like, there's a lot of stuff you can do. You don't just have to write off all, you know, sexual relations for that time. So, like, if you're cool with it, go for it. You know, plan your days accordingly.

Make sure it's, like, a light one. Set down towels that aren't white. Do it in the shower if you're cool with it go for it you know plan your days accordingly make sure it's like a light one uh set down towels that aren't white um do it in the shower if you want shower sex sucks though it's the worst um let me tell you the first time that i ever had sex with a girl on her period was in the shower and i already hate shower sex yeah just like this is the worst i hated it shower sex is terrible unless i had like a super fancy shower, but even then it's like, why bother? It's the sex in more fun places where the water isn't fucking shit up and I'm not going to slip and break my neck. Yeah. And there's something about like the shower that just like desensitizes me. I don't know what it is, but like, I literally like cannot finish.

Well, it like washes off like, cause water and like female like lubrication are very, you can literally feel the difference if you put your hand down there and like when they're warring and your dick's in the middle and not good but yeah i just think it's one of those things where like we are kind of a little bit like i'm more into it than you are or at least yeah um probably yeah so i mean i would say yes yeah 100 yeah it's like i'm it doesn't really bother me whereas you don't seem to gain on it um and i think both are totally fine because yeah you know it doesn't really matter but i do think you got to be open and honest with your partner and like if you're a girl listening to this i don't think you should really be annoyed at someone who's not

into it because like it you know blood is a thing a lot of people are not cool with in a lot of different senses it doesn't just have to be you know yeah as intimate you know and blood is a thing. A lot of people are not cool with in a lot of different senses. It doesn't just have to be, you know, as intimate, you know? And I think that's pretty fair. And as a guy,

like if she's not into it, it's her body. And like, I understand a lot of people are uncomfortable. Um, yeah, there's a bunch of shit that's good. There's cramps there. There's a ton of other things that are detrimental to the sexual experience.

Yeah. So like if, if either person isn't into it, I think it's a very fair response and just be open with each other and, you know. Yeah, and if you don't have a feeling one way or the other and you just don't think you should because of, you know, societal pressure. Fuck it. Give it a go. And if it's not your style, then that's all right. Fine. Now you know.

I will say on the good side, people are usually super sensitive around that time. So, it can be a lot of fun. Yeah. Yeah. Ready for another? Yeah, let's all right. Fine. Now you know. I will say on the good side, people are usually super sensitive around that time, so it can be a lot of fun. Yeah. Yeah. Ready for another? Yeah, let's do it. I mean, this kind of fucking spells the question out pretty much immediately.

This is from user WeirdBumps12. Oh, no. The subject of the question is, WeirdBumps on boyfriend's penis? And they ask, I'm in a long-distance distance relationship and my boyfriend came to visit me for the day. He slept over and left this morning. I hadn't seen him in three months, so obviously I sucked his dick like my life depended on it. Once I slowed down, my tongue felt something weird. I inspected his dick and noticed two things.

One, a slightly red bumpy patch on the side of his penis. And two, five to ten bumps on the head of his dick on the same side. I asked him what it was and he said he never really noticed them. I asked for him to get it checked out and he said it made him uncomfortable to whip his dick out in front of the doctor. Does anyone know what it could be? He said he's going to moisturize because maybe it's just dry skin.

Pretty sure you shouldn't put moisturizer on your dick. Absolutely not. Yeah, no. That's step one. Step two, your grown ass adilcoco get checked who cares if it do you know how many times i showed a random doctor my dick yeah like the second i saw anything that wasn't always there i was just i was at the doctor and it was just like in the waiting room my dick was just ready for everyone to look at and also that's bullshit there's no way he doesn't know his dick like the back of his dick yeah like it's your most valuable ally

there's there's a few things that like it could be an std it could be it also could be like you can get pimples also also the fact that your dick like that whole general area has a lost sense of skin so things can happen that look terrifying that you go get checked out and you're good. Well, my thing. Thank God. Here's my. But at the same time. Sorry.

Here's my thing is they're in a long-distance relationship. They haven't seen each other for three months. It's all on one side of the dick. I bet it's probably from jerking off. Could be. He's probably, like, irritated the fuck out of his dick. Yeah, he has a flashlight that he hasn't washed. Ugh. Like, that's the thing it could be a bunch of things but i don't necessarily believe they

didn't notice them and also i don't i don't trust a man who doesn't see that and freak the shit out yeah no i'd be i'd be gone i'd be out the window anything floating towards the nearest std clinic yeah um and like and even if it's not an std even if it's it literally just like uh you know dermatitis or like you know dry skin or whatever like your everything down there is so sensitive and so like like it could get infected like there's so many things that could happen and when it's your dick you gotta take care of it also dick if you're in a relationship or in a sexual relationship with someone about your part yeah that is you now have two sets of generals you have to take care of so if something's wrong with yours there's a chance that you will pass it on to theirs at

least like a dick is external you don't want to fucking pass on some bullshit to some internal vagina yeah or even like on her mouth. She gave him a blowjob. You know what I mean? It's like, if that's like a contagious skin condition. Yeah. It's like, cool. Now that's all over her mouth and face. Yeah.

Which sucks. Cause people have jobs. And also that's also a pretty important part of your body. Yeah. It's like, you are, you are responsible. If you think there might be the slightest chance of something going wrong with your dick, it is your responsibility to get that checked in.

Yeah. And it doesn't matter how insecure or scared or uncomfortable or, like, immature you are about whipping your dick out in front of a doctor. I promise you that doctor has seen so many dicks. Yeah, but, like, this is a fucking job. And they don't give a shit. They literally do not give a shit. Like, looking at your dick is the same as looking at someone's ankle or neck or throat. You know what I mean?

Like, they see these things. This is just, like, a part of the job and human anatomy that they see all the fucking time. Especially if you go to a walk-in clinic. I imagine those people see, like, 20 dicks a day. They definitely see more than... Well, if it's just a general walk-in clinic, maybe not. Because most people go to an STD clinic. I guess.

You inflict some poor doctor on your penis. Oh, man. There was a walk-in clinic up the street from me, and I swear to God, that doctor, like, the second they would see me, they would just be like, well, I'm seeing a dick again. You know what's funny? When I was a kid and I, or like, you know, growing up, and I heard about people going to get like STD tests, usually after like a trip to Greek islands, it was like this thing. I was always like, oh man, I don't think I could ever do that. Like, it'd be so embarrassing. I'd like get a boner in front of the doctor.

And then when I go over my first STD check, I was like, damn, I wish I had a boner right now. My dick looks so small. I know. I mean, well, yeah, it's like because you're so scared and like everything naturally like starts to curl in on itself. Curl in. It starts to shine and get valuable. Yeah.

Yeah, there's nothing sexy about the terror that something might be wrong with your dick. Also, a stranger poking at it. Well, that can be fun, but you know what I mean. Yeah, just like a gloved latex hand just kind of like wiggling around being like let me let me get a good gander at this let me check out these angles yeah like you got to do it like you really got to do it if not like firstly for yourself like let's just be selfish and be like i want my bits in good health yeah like if you had five fucking dots on your eye you wouldn't just be like moisturizer also they'll probably irritate them about the same oh my god don't use moisturizer

on your fucking dick don't put anything on your dick a specifically medicated topical cream yeah do not put things on your dick because there's so many fragrances and chemicals and like fucking bullshit in that stuff like unless you have like only guaranteed approved lube uh and like scentless soap if if possible and even scented soap whatever like there's actually a possibility that like i literally when i went to see a doctor once they were like oh just heads up like what do you use and i was like oh whatever and they're like you sit unscented soap because like the stuff in that can irritate it right that's how delicate your dick is. Yeah. Don't put moisturizer on it. Especially if you have like open sores.

No. Whose dick is this? Let's go find it and save it. I know. Here's, you know what? This is how I rationalized going to the doctor because I was convinced that everything would result in my dick having to be amputated. And I don't even know if that's a i'm pretty sure a reasonable

response to anything that can happen to your dick i doubt it but even then it's never going to be less amputated it's not like you went now and it's going to be amputated but if you went a week from now or a year from now it would have solved itself it would be like have to be double amputated maybe spread to your hips if i don't get this checked, the only possible conclusion to this. Oh, so you were saying why you had to go. Yes. I thought you were saying why you didn't want to go. No, no, no.

This is why, like, the only conclusion to anything that was ever on my dick that shouldn't have been there was amputation. Well, that's the thing. And so I was just like, the second I saw anything. And, like, nine times out of ten, people were just like, yeah, no, it's fine. It's like a pimple. It's a whatever. Yeah, or just like, yeah, no, it's fine. It's like a pimple. It's a whatever. Yeah, or just like irritation. It's your dick and you go through a lot of friction with it.

I mean, yeah, when I was still wearing like actual loose boxers and serving, I was moving around a lot. And when it was like 40 degrees outside and working on a patio, like the chafing on my dick, like that didn't get better until i switched to like boxer breeze no like it it's super delicate but you should see anything and you should be terrified yeah just for your own sake and don't google oh no never because it's always herpes yeah like that's just the or cancer yeah or herpex cancer yeah i don't know cancer herpes yeah um because like no matter what you like if you ever just search like bumps on dick it's like it's actually well first you'll get that really good band um the ska band bumps on dick but secondly it's not good yeah so just go to a doctor yeah and

like just don't don't be flipping with your health or your partners especially because like yeah you have to deal with your consequences sure but no one else should have to deal with your consequences yeah you know i'm just imagining that moisturizer it's horrifying i know where should we go should we go anyway or anywhere away from bumps on on Dicks? I got so many. Bumps on Dicks? Oh, I feel like I should probably... I have one that is to do with April Fool's. Well, we can get back to that on 2004? Or 2024, I mean?

2025? I'm going to read it. Okay. Okay. I do want to do another one, though, so are we running out? No, we're still good. We're good. We're quick.

My girlfriend broke up with me as an April Fool's joke, and after telling her that it literally hurt my heart, she thought it was funny. I didn't think it was funny one bit. By user Veer Khan. Like the title says, tiny backstory, I've been in a couple of relationships in the past,

and it's always been obvious to me that I'm the one that puts the most effort in keeping the relationship going. I'll go out of my way and do anything possible to keep the relationship healthy. I'll think about my significant other before I do something. Like if they would be bothered by what them doing it they wouldn't do it etc. In past relationships I would do the same and I wouldn't get the same from them. They would do something that would bother me or talk to me about and they would apologize go on to do it. Kern, significant other, knows my past relationships ships have put me through today she jokingly broke up with me for an april fool's joke after she told me it was a joke i told her i didn't find it funny at all and upon reading the

text i literally felt pain in my heart she thought it was funny again i told her it was a harsh joke i asked who would do something like that and she replied with me that's the way she jokes around i told her she can joke around with that with other people just not with me and we proceeded to have a small argument said something along the lines of if this shit gets too fucking boring where there's no fucking joking around because you take everything up the ass i'm leaving i don't think we don't joke around we do laugh a lot and have a good time this is just not my type of humor what do i do i really am in love with this girl i don't want super jokes to be the reason we don't make it am i overreacting and should just let it go no it's a shit joke it's like it's a pretty good joke though it's a shit joke it's like joking about being pregnant or joking about like you know suicide or like my

girlfriend that was pregnant on april fool's day you monster because of you um yeah like any of those things it's not cool um it really isn't uh and like here's the thing it's like if you want to make that joke it's it's obviously like if there's no part of you that like thinks like oh this might go poorly um and you decide to do it anyway don't act like an asshole when someone says, hey, that's a real shit joke, and that really hurt my feelings. Yeah. It's still a visceral...

If they don't know you're joking, it's a visceral experience for them because they think they're being dumped. You see that message. It's like the knife through her heart. Yeah. I do think in their defense, if we have to say something,

I haven't seen the text, but I assume it was on April Fools and like I'd be on my guard and also like he does seem to know that she has a history of doing jokes like this to a degree but I'm like sure go ahead with it if you really want to I don't think it's smart but you're right you have no leg to stand on after that point you could maybe make excuses to that degree but if you make this joke i don't realize that i can go badly and then they tell you it went badly and you're like no this really should make it boring fuck you that's not cool yeah to be like oh uh you get

upset at me when i do something shitty yeah uh oh this is this isn't gonna work yeah and like it's the craziest thing i'm not saying it's okay that they did it. I just say there's possible excuses you could make up to that point. And there's literally nothing afterwards. If, if you don't realize that that could hurt somebody, you're probably shouldn't be making jokes. Yeah. Like you probably should.

Yeah. I hate to quote. I'm pretty sure it's Louis CK. I was going to say this girl, but, um, where it's like, you don't get to decide if you've hurt someone or not.

You know what I mean? Like if someone says that something you've done to them has upset them, you don't get to be like, no, it hasn't. Yeah, true. I do think what people seem to miss in that quote is that like there's also like reason like things are reasonable to upset somebody. Like if I just decide something you did upset me like, yeah, you don't get to sign on upset, but you could still be like,

dude, I opened the door for you. Like, what are you talking? Yeah, no, for sure. But like,

but if that's upset you, you know what I mean? Like if, no matter how ridiculous I think it is, there's still an onus for me to be like, Oh, I'm sorry. If you care.

Or if you feel like it's appropriate for me to have been upset. Yeah. Cause you can gauge that anyway. It's just a problematic quote, I think. Because it's not just like cut and dry. Yeah. I mean, like at the end of the day, if I, you know what I mean? Like if someone's like, dang, you know, that joke upset me and it wasn't a joke.

Or if it was me just being literally like, you know, a knock-knock joke. Yeah. I can be like, oh, sorry. Yeah. Like whether, no matter how like insincere that story might be i don't get to be like no it didn't exactly that's what i'm saying it's like you don't get to say it didn't but you also do then get the chance to gauge whether or not it's an appropriate response yeah but either way i i think this is fucked like you don't like i think we can all agree that this

is not a thing to lightly joke about yeah breakups suck yeah and especially because again it's like it's it's a joke for you but it's a breakup for them yeah so which is the point of the jokes you can't not know that yeah it'd be like um being like oh hey now you know your parents went a car crash hey bro fool you know what I mean like yeah that's still honestly like I don't want to fucking hang out with you anymore like

this sucks it's it's still like for that person who's not part of the joke it's real yeah

and like sure if you were expecting them to take it one way whatever again I still think it's really tone deaf but if they literally are like no that was awful

be a good fucking partner and apologize and be like yeah sorry that like sorry i misjudged like yeah you don't don't be like oh you don't like my jokes we're done yeah you then threaten to maybe break up with them that's so fucked yeah like hey the thought of you breaking up with me was so upsetting oh really well if you're that boring maybe i will what yeah yeah i would be very careful in this relationship if not just break it up yourself and find someone nicer i mean that's kind of it seems like he has a type um and he seems to gravitate towards a certain type of person who tends like kind of seems like they walk all over him. Yeah.

Which is a thing of, like, maybe his self-worth isn't as high as it should be. Well, I feel like he sounds a little young-ish or, like, you know. And, you know, I feel like the more you grow up and the more partners you're through, hopefully you learn from that shit and start to get less, you know. Yeah. And just realize that like sometimes it's better to be alone than to be with someone who's treating you poorly. It's always better to be alone than to be with someone who's treating you poorly. Yeah. Yeah.

And just be careful, my bud. And like you are worth more than their bullshit sense of humor. Yeah. And if you hurt your partner apologize yeah like you can have a conversation about like the boundaries so you don't do it again or like explain your point of view yeah where you were coming from that's fine but like before you do anything be like sorry man it i didn't mean to do this like if you honestly didn't mean to like cool like try see where they're coming from and try let them know where you're coming from so i don't

think you're being an asshole. But, like, understand, like, the feelings that are present. Don't just be like, well, you're not funny, I guess. Like, what the fuck? Yeah. Go for it. Well, you said you had another one, right? Yeah.

I've had... There's one... I've got a quick one. Okay. This is from Gata003. They ask, should I go on a date with him? I met this guy in Happen a couple days ago. Also, who's still using Happen?

When was it posted? It was like 20 minutes ago from when I grabbed it. But when did you grab it? 20 years ago? Four years ago. I met this guy in Happavn a couple days ago. He asked me out on a date. Take a walk somewhere this Monday.

I'm not sure if I want to go. He seems nice and all that. The thing that makes me question the fact is that he's an oversharer. What age are they? Talks about his... It doesn't say. Talks about his sickness, problems, and similar things to, in his words, don't get scared away.

Mind you, seems like a good guy, not a troublemaker. Does he describe himself as intelligent? Yeah. How many times has he read the Kama Sutra? Any advice for me? And I'm going to keep it real, real simple. If it is not a yes. Yeah, if it's not a yes, it's probably a no.

You don't go on a date like yeah your time is valuable their time is valuable if like if any part of you is like just don't do it yeah no one when someone says yes to a date thinks it's a maybe they might be into me you're like oh my god they like me yeah like you're not like she's probably just doing this cuz shrug also and it's like if if you think he's an oversharer now and your assumptions are right. It's just going to get worse. Yeah. And you're also then going to have to like either ghost him or explain why you don't want to see him again.

So unless you're for sure like committed to like actually wanting to meet this dude. Yeah. Just don't meet him. Yeah. Like, were there any reasons why she should and then no no other than uh he seems like a good guy which is a very important thing but yeah sorry but like if don't trump the pros and cons you have also nothing more painful than hanging out with an oversharer like you know we're talking about sickness. Yeah, I had to train in someone once who had the most miserable life.

And, like, that sucks, but I just met you. And to drop, like, some real heavy shit on a stranger, that's just straight up not fair. Yeah. Because you don't, like, if you say, like, if someone else says something bad, I can be like, look, we have our bond. we have our bond i can comfort you or like hey but at least you got this going on or like this or anything if i don't know you what the fuck do i draw on to comfort you also how much fun is a date of a guy being like yep so i got gout yeah it's like uh i got that trench foot yeah it's like yeah and also like anyone, anyone saying, like, I have five to ten bumps on my dick,

there's another bent... Don't get scared away. Yeah, don't get scared. That's pretty much code for run. Yeah, if someone's telling you not to get scared from their first impression of you... Yeah. I mean, like...

And, like, I'm sorry... He's literally gift-wrapped a red flag, opened it for you, and then presented it to you. Just fucking, like, he's done that, like, air traffic control. Yeah, he's now rolling himself up in this red flag. And he's lit himself on fire. Yeah, his, like, little burrito. Yeah, a little red flag burrito. Yeah, and, yeah, it sucks if he has an illness or whatever, but like that's not the way to go about it.

You know what I mean? Like don't, you never try and sell yourself with like a don't get scared away. It's like the equivalent. I once was walking down a country road in the middle of fucking nowhere. I wanted to be taken home because we saw this place and it was like a bird boxes for sale sign outside and all these like random bird boxes all like like the wooden like bird feeders all stacked up and like they were all kind of cool sandra bullock and there was like this really nice barn and all this shit we kind of paused we're like this is so weird like there's a random bird feeder shop on this random thing in the

middle of nowhere and this guy comes walking down the thing he's like oh hey guys oh you want to come in like we got more than just bird boxes for sale and i'm like yeah sure my girlfriend's like yeah totally i'm like okay so he brings us in to his fucking like carpentry barn so there's literally sharp things hanging everywhere i have no idea how you're telling this story and lathes and there's saws and there's shit and he has signs and he has like antlers and he has like everything and he just makes random carpentry shit and sells them and he brings has signs and he has like antlers and he has like everything and he just makes random carpentry shit and sells them and he brings us in and turns to me and goes don't worry i'm not a serial killer and i was like okay well you should have started with that so you are a

hundred percent a serial killer like i'm not gonna kill you come into my sharp barn yeah come to my barn of sharpness. And my girlfriend's like, yeah, this is cool. And I'm like, no. How has she made it so far? Look. I feel like we should make a Survivor-type show and put our girlfriends on an island together

and just see... It wouldn't be like episodes. It would be like 24, where every episode is like a minute. That would be great. But the thing is, I think they would either come back dead or they would have conquered like the eastern seaboard. Yeah. Like it would be one or the other.

Yeah. There'd be no in between. All right. Ready for this one? Yes. This one's saucy or it's spicy. It's also kind of long. So if you get the gist, tell me.

Uh, my 22 year old female boyfriend's 24 year old male new tattoo makes me feel like a pedophile by you little kid tit tat. You ready? Yep. Hey guys, throwaway account because my boyfriend knows my normal account. I don't really know how to begin, so I'm going to just dive right in. We've been together for four years now, living together for two, and every aspect of our relationship is honestly perfect,

and I have a sneaking suspicion that he's planning to propose sometime in the near future. Last year, however, his younger brother, who was only six years old, passed away. This took a major toll on my boyfriend, obviously, but especially because he was extremely close with him. His parents are major screw-ups, to put it bluntly, and as a result, his little brother spent a lot of time living with us, to the point where we practically became like a mom and dad to him and even discussed filing for custody. The problem arises when a few months ago, my boyfriend mentioned he wanted to get a tattoo to commemorate his little brother and asked me what my thoughts were on the idea. He has no other tattoos and

never expressed wanting one before, so I was a little surprised but completely supportive. Talked about getting his brother's name or date of birth or something equally sentimental. Cool I thought this all sounds beautiful. Didn't really talk about it again until he told me a book time with a tattoo artist. Zondera was working so I couldn't go with him and he said he wanted to be a surprise. I expect something all cute. I did not expect him to come back with an almost life-sized headshot of his little brother slapped across the majority of his chest definitely shocked but I wrecked positively told him to look good um it was only the outline he's gonna get filled in blah blah blah it's apparently incredible artwork very picture perfect only issue is during sex

takes up such a large space in his chest is the only tattoo he's got doesn't really help these very pale and doesn't have much hair so it really stands out and my attention is constantly drawn to it. Any position we're facing each other in I always end up making eye contact with it. Every time I do it makes me feel so uncomfortable and absolutely kills the mood for me. Every time, ignoring the

fact this kid was practically like a son to us, I doubt I would be able to have sex while looking into the eyes of any six year old. It's ruining my sex life. I haven't told him any of this because I feel like I can't say anything negative about the tattoo because I know its meaning and it's also permanent. Lately we've been having sex in positions where I'm facing away from him, where we keep our shirts on. He started to notice this and he told me he's worried I'm not attracted to him anymore.

What can I do in this situation? The thought of telling him this or anything negative about the tattoo makes me feel like a monster, but looking at it also makes me feel like a monster. i talk to him am i overreacting is our sex life officially dead oh boy it's a weird one it is i know it's heavy and it's i don't know if we don't want to discuss it that's also okay i'm trying to walk that line of like do i make jokes yeah i know because i want to put sunglasses on them so you don't have to look them in the eyes But that's also okay. I'm trying to walk that line of like, do I make jokes? Yeah, I know. Because I want to put sunglasses on them so you don't have to look them in the eyes. I think that's okay.

Alternative googly eyes. Just stick a joint on them. Yeah. And it'll just like... Smoke weed every day. Right? Oh, you can do the sunglasses and the... Oh, man, like a backwards hat?

And the thing is, obviously, like, I get, like, we feel bad even discussing or, like, joking about it on our comedy podcast. It has nothing to do with these people. I can totally understand why they feel so fucking weird about it because that's a pretty big thing to bring up it's like the rose tattoo question taken to like the next fucking level yeah i i think i i think here's the thing he's noticing you gotta talk about it yeah because it's gonna manifest as insecurity and he's gonna think like you're cheating on him or you've fallen out of love with him or there's like something else going on and then there's gonna be another issue on top of this issue and you have to deal with both of them at

the same time and the longer you wait like that tattoo isn't getting any younger and isn't getting any fresher and it it's not like something you can just be like oh i just noticed it you know what i mean so like the longer you wait on something like this like why didn't you tell me about this earlier you made me think i was you know ugly or you made me feel unattractive you made me think that like something else was going on yeah um and i understand that like it's tough to be like yo your dead little brother's a turnoff that's a real weird sentence but at the same time i don't think i mean hopefully these people like they seem like they're mature enough and and have have like their lives more or less together so i hope that like he can take a step back and be like i get that

yeah that's the thing because that phrase in and of itself should be all you need to hear to be like yeah man i yeah okay i'm picking up what you're putting down. You can even just like phrase it and be like, look, it's not to do with you. It's just like, it's a very prominent reminder one of him, which is sad and awful. And like, that's not sexy. But also it's a kid, which is also sad and awful and not sexy. Yeah, I mean, it's, like, I think that's pretty commonly understood that most people don't enjoy. Like, I don't like when a fucking bullshit song goes on on YouTube with a kid chorus while I'm fucking.

You know, that's one of my no-no's. Yeah, I feel like staring at a ink child on my partner's flesh not the most funny it's pretty much like during sex he's like hey you remember dylan yeah also you know what i mean it's just like what what do you why but like instead of him saying it's just there non-verbally being like hey dylan dylan dead dylan dead dylan dylan's dead and like i don't want this. It's terrible. I feel like you can,

I do think it is one thing that you do have to approach carefully because obviously emotions are going to be high in this situation. And on top of that, tattoos are permanent. So I don't really know, or like to a degree, at least they're a big enough deal. So I don't really know where the solution lies immediately.

Like you get covered up, which I don't know if that's like, or getting it removed. Yeah. I don't think that's an option. Really? You can't be like, oh yeah,

I'll just get rid of them again. Like, no. Yeah. I think, I do think working through it and maybe the googly eyes. I don't know. There are a bunch of things. I like i think shirts sure are are at least maybe easy into it like maybe when it's less new and

that's the thing it's like if if you sleep shirtless and like you see the tattoo outside of sexual situations you'll get used to right now you're you're probably only seeing it when things get hot and heavy you know what i mean but like if it's also brand new so it's obviously going to be the thing that you draw your attention to a lot if it becomes part of your boyfriend's skin and it becomes part of him i think it'll be less less of like an eye draw yeah after a while once you're used to it it's not going to be a big thing but i i can i don't know i think that's always going to be i think it'll get better maybe he has more tattoos yeah he needs to get a worse tattoo higher it's like it's on his chest get like a stupid dragon on your neck yeah good face tattoo yeah that's it

it's the only it's the only answer but the face tattoo is just the face, again, tattooed over his face. So he looks like his six-year-old brother. No, the face tattoo is her face. So she can look at herself. Oh, man, I'd be into that. No, I know. I've been angling slowly for years. That would be horrifying. Like, I think your face in general, not in a bad way but uh that sounds

terrible um but like can you imagine looking at your like simulchrum but like pasted over someone else's face it would be harrowing especially if it's on like my girlfriend's rocking body like it would i think ruin everything yeah i think like literally my entire... Should I call her and stop the appointment? He doesn't want you to get that plastic surgery. He doesn't want the Daneplasty. I'm in a weird situation with my ex-fiancee by ThrowawayAAA2002. We were together for a year.

Fiancee? One year? Not good already. But these last few weeks, she's been wild drinking with her friends. And I've been honest and haven't held my tongue about how this makes me feel. She split up with me, changed her status on social media to single, told her kids, her ex, my ex-friend, her friends that we were no longer together. And I had to break it to her mom. We hooked up last night, though. And it was amazing but confusing. The kids, that aren't mine, saw me at the house and I'm due to meet her tonight.

What the hell is going on? I'm so confused. Wait, what? So that's the guy asking this question? Yeah. So they broke up. Actually, I don't... Yeah, yeah, yeah. They broke up. It's a guy or a girl.

They ran into each... Ran into her and then they fucked and now... I'm so confused. I don't understand what the hell just happened. So many things happened they were together for a year yep oh i see he broke up with her because she was i so she was out drinking and he was like hey i'm not into this drinking they were together like fuck it you gotta tell everyone i think well she told everyone but you have to tell my mom one more

answer run run run run what run i don't even think i think you need to find those like civilian space programs yeah and just launch your ass into space because you are a ton on this planet yeah no this isn't good and also like i think one of the most important parts is her ex my ex friend in brackets that's That's drama enough. What happened there? This whole situation is dirt. Yeah, because that means he stole her from him. Yeah.

Or, yeah, she stole him from him. Get everyone involved, except for maybe the mother. Mother seems cool. Get them all together. Put them all in a spaceship. Launch them into the sun. You know what I love? The first comment is i'd honestly run and they said thanks but why would you run i mean this is the thing there are people in this world that exist strictly to fuck shit up

yeah like literally who are like only capable of being in the worst possible fucking situation. And like, like it doesn't get any clearer. I just like a thousand people could be like, get out now. And they'd be like, but why? Yeah.

If, if I have to read this question three times so we can understand the bullshit situation you're in that you need to go. Yeah. You need these to go. Yeah. You need these poor kids. Yeah, get them on a separate shuttle. They need to go into fucking space too. We're starting two Kickstarters. One is for your man's dick,

and one is for these kids. A space program. Do you have some sex writing for us? Oh, you know I do. Oh, boy. Yeah, this was some sex writing. Do I have the usual problem of not remembering which ones I've read? Yes, I do.

Ugh. Okay, ready? Mm-hmm. This is The Snow Queen by Michael Cunningham. They both know they have to do this quickly. He slides his dick into her. She sighs more loudly, but it's still a sigh, not a sex moan, though this time there's a soft gasp at the end. Tyler is inside her,

hears the heat, the powerful wet hold, and fuck, he's about to cum already. He holds off, lets his cock rest in her, lies on top, his face pressed to her cheek. He can't seem to look directly at her until she says, Don't wait. Are you sure? I'm sure. He thrusts once, cautiously. He thrusts again and he's gone. He's off into the careening nowhere.

He lives for seconds in that soaring, agonizing perfection. It's this. Only this. He's lost to himself. He's no one. He's obliterated. There's no Tyler at all. There's only...

He hears himself gasp in wonder. He falls into an ecstatic, burned, harmedness. Losing. Lost. Unmade. He needs to get checked I love that he was just like don't wait

just just get this over with yeah like if you actually read between the lines it's meant to be sexy romantic I think

but like he's like it's not sex mon it's just a sigh yeah also what is his weird categorization of like I want to know the sigh scale it's like it's just a sigh yeah also what is this weird categorization of like i want to know the size scale it's like it wasn't a sexmoan but it did have a wet gasp but it was also still a sigh

what well the wet gas was at the end of the side true so maybe it was on its way maybe that's the transition from side to sexmoan but maybe you need that wet but he never got that sex mode. He broke the barrier into sex mode territory. Never got there. Too busy being obliterated. His burning agony cock. I like to imagine that he literally just got Thanos snapped. Just some anime shit. He just got torn apart.

Well, that's this week's um thank you so much for listening guys we uh we enjoyed doing this and i'm glad that we're back and not talking about new girl although i had fun doing it that was fun i hope you guys enjoyed it too um it's it's good to be back helping people it's good to be back also uh thank you so much to everybody who sent us in questions. And, like, not bad on the people we know, but it's so cool when we get ones from people we don't really know. Yeah. And that's the fucking best. And you guys are officially friends of the show, and we love you.

Yeah. So if you have a question, or even if, like, there's just something, like, that you've always wondered. Also, like, if we say something you don't agree with, fucking throw it our way. We are not perfect by any means yeah we're we're happy to have like discussions too like it doesn't necessarily have to be us giving you advice if you're just like hey i'm not really cool with that verbiage or i'm not really cool with that perspective like let us know and we'll we'll talk it out and like maybe one of us will take like your side of things and try to argue both sides um we'll tell you we're a fucking idiot no yeah or you'll or you'll be stupid or we'll both be like we're idiots um also if you have any bad sex writing that you've read anywhere or seen anywhere or you've written or you've written uh send it because eventually your boy's well gonna run out and then dame's gonna be real sad

because i won't be able to rock his world. I know, that'll be true. If you have a question, you can hit us up on Twitter at fck underscore buddies or just say hello. You can send us an email. And don't send us porn.

Don't send us porn, for God's sakes. Or you can find us on Facebook at fckbuddiespodcast. You can also send us an email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. At dot com. And thank you, Josh, and all your eagles for your Harvest Cities and for your Paper Stars. Yeah. Do you have a Dan to take us out?

You know I do. So, unfortunately, Dan is still posting. But that's probably a good thing because now we get to know four sneaky reasons why a woman will love you but hide it from you. Oh, you sneaky women. They're so sneaky. Oh, women, you're so sneaky. Dan, Dan's onto you, though. Yeah, Dan knows.

It has two likes and I'm done with this world. You're not so sneaky. Dan. Dan's onto you though. Yeah. Dan knows. It has two likes and I'm done with this world. You're not that sneaky. My name is Dan Miller and I'm Noss Bang. And we're your fuck buddies. And be good to each other. you