F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 280 - Boner Danger Zone

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

I don't care if you're a princess or a puppy, you can have all of the parts.  Topics include disrespecting your girlfriend's culture with your boner, ripping the band-aid of virginity off, fake scheme boyfriend, saying things you're not really into. 

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Visit PodCampToronto.com to save your seat for free today. I put my trust in you. I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them to sexy, sticky situations. Simply put, we are a sex and dating advice podcast. We find questions either online or from our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here in your ears or on stage monthly and also on an extra episode on patreon before we get to that this week we will be discussing did my boner disrespect her culture finally losing your virginity i posed as a boyfriend of a married woman but now i'm catching feelings and saying things you're not

really into. And before we get to all that, I do have some sex news I want to talk about. It's a jam-packed fucking episode. We're squeezed in the closet. We've got to squeeze some material into your ears. Are you ready? Yeah. Now this has been brought to my attention from one of my favorite podcasts, which is one of your

favorite podcasts, My Brother, My Brother and Me. Okay. Are you up to date? Did you listen to the newest episode? I have not listened to the newest episode, no. Okay. Are you up to date? Did you listen to the newest episode? Okay. So I'm going to spoil the munch squad. Pizza Hut are doing a thing called goodbye pies for Halloween or Halloween. Jesus. For Valentine's Day.

That's the one where you can break up with people by sending them a Domino's or a Pizza Hut pizza. Okay. Breakups are awkward. We can help send a free hot honey goodbye pie from now through Valentine's Day, and the delivery driver will deliver the bad news in the best way. What do you think about that? Okay, hold on.

Does the delivery driver actually have to be like, yo, you're getting broken up with? Or is the best way just like you get a pizza and the box says like, you're dumped? Well, like if you were getting a pizza and you didn't know, the delivery driver would have to be like, somebody got this for you, I guess. You know what I mean? Like you'd probably put it in the instructions. So it's like this person's going to be unaware they're getting a pizza.

The driver has to know it's a breakup pizza. Yeah. It says on the, it says goodbye pie. There's the box. It says goodbye pie. It has a broken heart. You get to write their name. And I believe there's space to

write like a little note yeah i mean i look i don't care what anyone does and how they want to live their life you know what i mean i'm just saying don't make a dude who's forced to work for tips oh for sure and like don't make him the one to deliver the news like if he just has to show up at the door and is like here's your pizza goodbye then like fine whatever i don't make him the one to deliver the news. Also, if he just has to show up at the door and is like, here's your pizza. Goodbye. Then like, fine, whatever. I don't give a fuck. But if this poor dude or lady or whoever is expected to go up to a stranger and be like,

hey, here's your breakup pizza. Your partner wanted me to tell you that you're dumped. Because like, someone's not going to take this well and someone is going to get murdered. Oh, for sure. This man, there's nothing in the world you could be paid that would make that worthwhile. No. But secondly, don't break up with people by sending them a pizza. Maybe break up with them and then send them a pizza.

Yes. If I broke up with someone and then they were like, here's dinner. I think that would soften the blow. Also, hot honey pizza. Hot honey pizza does sound fucking pretty good now how would you think about this they also have a breakup excuse generator okay i'll hit you with the first three i'm just gonna hit the random first one is i just don't think your furniture would look good in my apartment okay i have been reborn as a mighty falcon and now must migrate

south for the winter okay i you know you ate all my cheese sticks and didn't offer to replace them that's a weird one to throw at someone if that's not what they did especially if you're dating like a vegan or something it's just like no i didn't and like the other i think the falcon is actually the the worst one too because it's like everyone in their relationship has always been like hey if i turn into a worm would you still love me so if you turn into a fal, would you still love me? So if you turn into a falcon, yeah, you got cooler. Yeah. You're more sleek, more aerodynamic.

You can finally hunt for me. If I was with a partner who was like, oh, by the way, I'm a kick-ass falcon now, I'd be like, I'm sorry, I can be a falconer with literally no training. I can just get one of those cool-ass gloves and at any point in time, I can just make a whistle and you'll just show up But handjobs I mean the sex aspect of it You got one handjob and you're dead

They get one dicking and they're dead You can't do it You can't fuck your falcon boyfriend or girlfriend I just hit break up again And I can't tell if you're joking About not believing in the moon landing Which that's fair You know what and I don't know what this says about me and i'm sorry if if this hurts anyone's

feelings but the more i think about it the more i are my cat's going fucking nuts i don't know if you can hear it but he's singing us the song of his people he's singing a song and we love it um this is what happens when we're in it's bad when I'm in here by myself, but... And now it's great because I'm also in here. Yes, but whenever there's another person in here, which is only Niall, except for the... Oh, I almost revealed that I had a secret third podcast

with someone else. I'm going to search this podcast for clues. This closet? Yes, this closet. Words are good for you today. Words are hard good. I don't think there is anything outside of a large financial financial compensation that would ever inspire me to make another

fucking podcast i've hey it's gonna happen i know for a fact within two years dame will have a third pocket christ hopefully with me or maybe not i't know. I don't want another one. I mean, again, if we were making a shit ton of money on said podcast, I'd be okay. If that's all I had to do, sure. Just make money? Yeah, me too, dude. On the podcast. Yeah.

We should probably get to the questions. I'm sure you want to hear about this. Yeah. This boner. I do. Torre8136. I, 20-year-old male, got a boner while in the sauna with my girlfriend 19 year old female now she's angry and says i disrespected her culture my girlfriend is from finland where sauna culture and nudity is way different than here in the states she's still

living with parents who are first generation immigrants and wanted a built-in sauna in their house which is cool i personally never tried an tried an authentic Finnish sauna until last night, and, well, yeah, didn't go that well. I'm not used to seeing the opposite sex naked in non-sexual situations, so, well, I got a boner while we were doing the whole sauna thing. I know she wasn't happy with it because she started getting passive-aggressive, but today she opened up about it being really disrespectful towards our culture and that you can't just get a boner at a spa or a mixed sauna.

And I'm not really sure how to navigate this because, to me, it doesn't seem like that big a deal. But she thinks it is. They're 19? He's 20. She's 19. Okay. Like, you're in the age in which everything will give you an erection. You're in the boner danger zone.

Yeah. You're in sort of like, yes, I think the boner danger zone is the exact phrase that you need to use. And like, I understand that women don't know a lot about what what what this means right like you don't know the visceral terror and shame of again a very natural thing like think of boners the way that like the general male population of things of like period right like like like no one really understands it why don't you just hold it in um yeah things and like you know like there's there's a ton of misinformation that like young boys tell each other about pure pyramids um which was eight

year old niall was lied to by a lot of boys um so like with with erections the second you hit sort of puberty i would say like like early stages of puberty anything can give us an erection oh yeah oh is the math teacher who's like 87 years old doing a a weird like up and down motion with the chalk is she really highlighting that one or uh-oh i guess i guess that's hot for me are you like oh I might be asked in like a turn or two to come up to the board I hope I don't get oh oh shit it wants to defy me like yeah everything also one of the main things that would make me get a boner uh-oh probably still being naked with my partner like you know what I mean like I I would get in that sauna right now and i'd be like hey like i'm sorry and it wouldn't be on purpose which i think is the main point here you'll have the boner button because if you do all all male fear or a lot of male fear for

the the generation of our our teens gone and then also the fear for later years uh when you know directions are unpredictable and then they're just like, actually, you know what? In drama class, when you were lying down in sweatpants, I definitely gave you a boner, but now you're about to have sex with a really attractive woman that you

really, really like. Maybe I'll, maybe it won't get hard. Maybe I won't do that. Did you know that you wasted one of your finite amounts of boners when you really didn't want one? Hey,

remember when you're at the beach and you couldn't get out of the sea yeah it was real cold but i still i was still raging yeah now you can't have sex with the woman you love i love or a lot of women don't understand that there is a boner counter every man is born with a boner counter and every time we get one technically i'm gonna get well no no no yeah there's going to be X amount of boners in your life. Yes. But I want to say, is there predetermined? Is there boner predetermination? We don't know.

I don't know. That's the thing, right? Is that one of God's cool, cool magic tricks? Hey, we might have both had our last boner. God. Why do I keep saying the wrong words for things? This closet could just implode and we'd have had our last boner. Our Falcon girlfriends could come in and just tear our dicks right off.

Exactly. Especially if we disrespected their cultures with our boners. Okay. So I understand sort of like both sides of things where he, you, you can't control an erection and can't by all means, if you are, if I'm with a person that I find sexually attractive and they are naked, the likelihood of me getting an erection or at least slightly aroused significantly increases than if I was in a room full of like sweaty old men. Yes.

Right. That's just science and chemistry and biology and how we work and importantly like he was never raised in this culture so he's been like pavlov's where nudity equals horny and that's and that's the thing it's like western views of nudity and like that it's not something and as he said as well like you like i think she's looking at it from one side of things but like is lacking the empathy of being like because she's like oh this is my culture like i'm raised around nudity nudity is not a sexual thing but it's like okay she didn't get wet so she disrespected his culture right yes thank you like if she sat up

and he was like oh that's a dry bench which would be weird in a sauna and that's the thing that's how disrespectful now uh like obviously so many things boners y'all have control over them so one if it is disrespectful it is not intentional yeah two it's not his culture three there's so many finnish people popping off in the comments being like come on don't yeah that's the thing it's like if it would be a much different thing is if like, you know, this was like during a prayer or something. And while people are sort of, I know the boners,

they don't, they don't listen to Jibo. But I think there's a greater standing of being like, look, these are fully clothed women, like on their knees, like doing a prayer or whatever. And you can be like, this is kind of fucked up.

This is a very important part of my culture and my religion, blah, blah, blah. That I would get. And even then, you don't have control over your boners. So you can be like, I get it. And I'm sorry, but I didn't. Unless you're some kind of weird prayer pervert. Yeah. You know?

But yes. To be like be like look we were naked i find you very physically attractive and i'm sexually attracted to you also like probably the first time he's done a naked sauna spa thing which itself is kind of like exciting and you he was probably like i better not get the boner yeah and his boner was like gotcha oh yeah i i could see it if he was like yeah let's fuck let's fuck she's like no we're just chilling in the sauna he was like no come on like we're gonna fuck and like that would be active like disrespect or like active like ignoring blah blah blah blah yeah whereas even if he was like hey let's fuck she was like oh no we're just gonna hang out and he was chill i don't even think that would be disrespectful yeah no i i yes i I think that's really where it comes in.

Like we need to start looking at like intention of things. Right. At no point in time. Did he, like, he wasn't stimulating himself to get an erection as far as we know, as far as we know. Maybe that's it.

Maybe it's because he's the one writing this. He's like, Oh, I did. I just had a boner and was jerking it so hard. Like, yes. Right.

Like, and as, as you said, like if he was hitting her with it, right. Like, just be like, look at it. Look at it. Let's do something with it. They're like, yeah, for sure. It's like this. She was sharing something of her culture.

If he put the falcon glove on his dick and did the whistle and then she had to come and then she'd be like, oh, real mature. Really cool. Yeah. So I don't think this is a disrespect of a culture. I don't think so. I understand there's a cultural divide of like how nudity is viewed. And you guys need to come together in the middle and listen to each other and be like, hey, I don't have control over my erections. If this upset you, I'm very sorry, but I meant nothing by it.

I wasn't trying to do anything to offend you. And really, I'm going to get aroused when I see you naked. And there's nothing I can do about that. My body is going to do what my body is going to do. If you'd like, the next time we do it, I can wear a towel. And that way, if I do get an erection, you're not going to be super privy to it. If it really does bother you that much. But at the same time, I don't have a whole lot of say in when my body decides to get aroused. I really wanted to know if the reason she was upset was because the parents were also there.

But they did do an update since I downloaded this question earlier, and it was just him and the girlfriend. Okay, I was going to say there's also a level of comfort and like respecting other people's cultures of being like, if like, I would not get in a naked sauna with my partner's parents. And I don't care if my partner parents are fucking Chris Hemsworth and Scarlett Johansson worse. My boner is assured.

Yeah. No, in one way, I'm very aroused. And the other way I'm very emasculated. So it's the worst situation for me. It's the same thing with like people who are, who are grown up,

like raised in sort of like hippie society and like, sort of like that free love thing where it's just like, Oh, you grew up in the woods and everyone was naked all the time. And it, but it's like, surely, you know that this isn't how it is every year.

Or like I grew up in Ireland. I don't have to be like, Oh, you have to drink a bottle of vodka in this McDonald's bathroom right now. Like what? Like, no, it's not how it works. It's fine. You're okay. Just talk to one another. And if she doesn't get it, if she can't like understand that maybe this isn't the person for you. Yeah. If she doesn't understand how a boner works at the very basic level, do you want that person handling your boner? uh this is ain't

going nowhere 97 a girl is finally willing to have sex with me i'm a virgin i'm kind of scared of sex i'm a guy who's 26 years old and a virgin i've been asking girls out in person lately and finally found a girl that is taking a liking to me we spent hours cuddling together while watching a movie in the theater now she says she actually wants to hook up. So I guess it's time now. What I've been waiting for my whole teenage and adult life is here. So we have set up a meeting tomorrow for Valentine's Day. We plan to do it in the back of her car. Dang, I'm really nervous. I hope my dick works like I'm not really able to sleep much or think about anything other than this. I guess I'm pretty scared of sex, which is why I was never able

to hold down a relationship before. I guess the girls thought I was asexual and lame, so they ghosted me. This time, this girl is willing to work for me since I told her all this. So, I guess I have to just do this and get it over with, or I'll be alone forever. There's a lot of hyperbole in this.

I really appreciate that you told her, and that she is willing to work. That's great because that was going to be one of the things I brought up that you've already proven why things have gone wrong when you haven't communicated. And I appreciate that one way or another you either have learned or she drew it out of you. But that's a really good first step. So I'd clap, but Dane would yell at me for doing it into the mic. I would. So I'm going to whistle instead. Yes. It worries me that all you've done is cuddle in a movie theater apparently so

like don't jump from that to sex if that's all you've done like with this girl or in general if it's in general definitely not if it's only with this girl like take it slow like do the you know do hand stuff next do mouth stuff you know I mean? You don't need to rush it. Make out. Make out, right? Like, if all you've done is cuddled in a public theater, there's a fucking armrest between you. That didn't even count. Not always.

You can put those bad boys up now. Okay. We're all going to bougie theaters, sure. In this fucking Dane's Utopian world. But, like, that, my, my, my advice. Don't go too fast. Right? Two, guess what I have to do this and get it fast. Right. Two, guess I have to do this.

Get it over with one. You don't have to do it to getting it over with. Like, I understand where you're coming from, but like, that shouldn't be the mindset. Yeah. You're thinking of it as like a bandaid to be ripped off or as it should be like, cool. It should be fun. It's like a pool you slide into. It's like something you're looking at.

You, you, you know what I mean? It's like getting into a hot tub. You're not like, sure. There's a little bit of like, oh, it could be a little too hot. It might take a while to acclimatize. But it's something that you should want to sit in and enjoy and relish in as opposed to being like. Cannonball in, hurt your knees and get out and run. You know what I mean? So it's like, it's also take your time. I think I'm assuming the car thing is because you guys don't have,

do they have access? Do they have their age? 26. So I don't, I don't know if there's a, uh, like a roommate or you guys still live at home or like, I,

cars are really bad. Call cars are bad. Call. It's like, I am quite experienced in sex and i think if i had to choose a place that i would not want to have sex it's the shower and a car yes they are the two worst those are the two places that i have no interest in having sex with there's no fucking room in the car everything's awkward and it's like while there is a thrill of being out in public and maybe getting caught

there's also the fear of being out in public and getting maybe caught. And like, and I don't know if you want to add that level of anxiety into the first time when you already have sort of like layers of things that you need to work through. Like you're going to be awkward because you know, virgin first time in your head and car sex is inherently just awkward. So awkward.

So the awkwardness is compounding. There's knees it's if you cannot do a car again if you're just like doing hand stuff fine yeah car's fine you know i mean if you want to make out like i also really want to know what this girl said because if she's like we're gonna fuck on wednesday like yes that's one thing if she's like oh we should like hook up but she might mean we should like not cuddle and do something more then you don't want to walk into this being like we're fucking yeah i i think hopefully in this conversation in which you guys have like talked about all this stuff hopefully she's got

the experience and sort of like awareness to be like also factoring the the car into hopefully the solution as well you know what i mean or or the situation of being like look factoring the the car into hopefully the solution as well you know i mean or or the situation of being like look car is bad the the best thing to do in a car is to be ridden like it's cowgirl unless you can like get out of the car in which case you can be like out and like have them in doggy that's also that's fine but again if you're in a place that's safe and yes legal it's not never gonna be legal but like if you're in a place that's safe and legal, it's never going to be legal. But if you're in the middle of nowhere, no one's going to find you. Great.

But you don't want to fucking get arrested or have some weird hitchhiker come and kill you with a hook. Yes, exactly. So I think... Talk about a hookup. Bad. Don't make that face for me. There's a couple things. One, try not to do it in a car. Yes. If you cannot do it in a car, don't do that face me there's there's a couple things like one try to try not to do it in the car yes if you cannot do it in the car don't do it in the car just it sucks yeah protection

bring some yep like make sure you have it you don't want to be like oh hold on let's detour to a play like just have it on you yep have more than one just in case yeah you know i mean like if you do go soft or you fumble one or it breaks or you want to go a second time or you, or you come immediately and you're like, well, I'm going to take 10 minutes and some water and don't, you don't want to fuck yourself over by not having enough condoms or make a

bad choice because you don't have enough condoms. Like I did the first time I had sex. So do that. Take it slow if you can. Yeah. And this is, I think a very important thing if for any reason you cannot perform don't take it as a failure you know what that is there's time for you to practice making her come yeah and that's if the best thing you get out of this is some genuine time with a

vagina and a woman and a clit and all this sorry it sounds really shitty when i like talk about with a vagina i didn't mean it that way you know what i mean but i mean you're getting practice and fingering or going down on someone that's pretty fucking invaluable so like don't get in your own head don't ruin it don't throw a huff don't get embarrassed because even if you don't fuck this could be invaluable to you take it as like okay and yeah the more she has fun the less there's any spotlight on you. So it's self-defense. It's self-preservation. It's everything good.

And you get practice and it'll build up your confidence. And who knows in the middle of it, Mr. Penis might be around to disrespect someone's culture. Yeah. I think pivoting quickly, like if you do start feeling and like we talk about all the time that like consent can be rescinded at any point in time. If at any point in time you feel like, oh, this isn't it or I'm not ready or whatever. Yeah, you can you can pull the ripcord and don't feel like less of a man or a loser or whatever. If if you're not ready to have sex, don't have sex because, again, that you think it's a bandaid to be torn off. So, like, respect your boundaries at the same time and be aware of that and as now said like be ready to pivot and be like okay penetrative sex might not be the thing that happens tonight

but if you're like hey while we're here i would love like can you teach me how to finger like if she's if she's on board with this like idea of i would love to finger you and then if she'll probably be like hell yeah and again you've already broken the barrier of awkwardness and whatever so you could literally be like i'm nervous well one i think if you can't get it up just be like i'm sorry i'm nervous yeah she'll get it right and then you don't have to be like oh this doesn't happen or like oh or like try to hide it or whatever if she's cool she won't mind and if she's not cool it sucks anyway so it doesn't there's no win scenario or there's no lose scenario because you've either already lost or you've already won

doesn't matter but you could ask her be like hey i'm new can you teach me how to do this and it's a win-win because she's gonna get more pleasure out of it you're gonna learn and your confidence is gonna go up and then it won't be a failed like you can take so many good things out of this but to do that you need to not get in your own head, not like, you know, clam up, not like throw a temper tantrum, not get super awkward.

Just realize this happens to a lot of people. They either will come way too quickly or not get it up at all. Those are the two most common outcomes. So I mean, the first time I had sex and like, I was the horniest man still am, but like at that point in time, it's like, all I wanted to do was have, but I was so nervous that like I lost the horniest man still am but like at that point in time it's like all I wanted to do was have but I was so nervous that like I lost my erection almost immediately yeah I was the

opposite I just came real quickly yeah I was like like rock hard and the second it was time to like figure out how to get inside I was just like no cool I was like let's go we're done very quickly and it was fine like they didn't mind they were like nervous as well and we the the upside of being so young and horny was i was just like literally ready to go again 10 minutes later if if even so we had sex a few times and the second two lasts a lot longer great but that's. It's like, just don't get in your own head. Don't sabotage. If things don't go perfectly, which let's be fair, they probably won't, which is fine. Yeah.

Make like save everything you can from it for your own sake, for her sake. You know, it'll be fine. And I was also in a worse position because I don't think I had told my partner that that would have been my first time until like after our first attempt i would i think i was like huh that would have been i would have been the first time for me and they're like oh really like and i think that would have taken if if my partner had known there would have i think been a little bit more like care and and yeah you know what i mean like well like we me and my partner at the time had been dating for like five months and we were like we both knew it would be our

first time so it was definitely we both went into it and we had that like so it was great yeah we we probably were dating about the same amount of time too but we were waiting for uh my partner at the time to get like birth control and like waiting a couple months to sort of like get it going so i mean like thankfully that was sort of like the period of time where I got very good at oral sex because I was like, I mean, if you're making me come with your mouth, then like,

it'd be insane not to be returning the favor. I've got a, I've got a fire back with, with, um, so it's like, thankfully it's like, you know,

even though I was struggling with sex at that time, I, I was pretty confident in being able to like pleasure my partner at the end of the day, regardless of like, that is going to take so much weight off your shoulders. Yeah. Right. So just if it doesn't go well, salvage it in the best way possible. Like do yourself favors, do her favors.

Don't get in your head. Don't freak out. Take it as an opportunity to practice other stuff. Yeah. And like, it's a win-win. You good yeah hopefully she's cool and hopefully she'll want to see you again and hopefully like you guys can figure out things and like be like don't try the same thing over and over again like don't make it like every wednesday you guys are going to go to the like out in the middle of the woods in your car and like try to have sex it's like if something

doesn't work like maybe try something else you know what i mean like maybe be like okay well you know hopefully you guys have a place you can go at some point in time and be like all right come over and like we'll make out and we'll just we'll just make out and see what happens or come over and we'll i i fingered you and you taught me how to figure it's like next time i want to go down on you and you can like sort of like walk me through that and just sort of like because the more comfortable you get with sex and each other and each other, you'll find that like, you'll start like all, all the other insecurities start like melting off you a little bit more.

And confidence is, is so, so important in sex because like, I remember I've, I've talked about this before. It was like when I first started having sex, my, my sexual stamina was really,

really bad. And I was when I first started having sex, my, my sexual stamina was really, really bad. And I was, I came very quickly. And then there was like a, an eight month period of time where I just didn't have any sex. And then the first time I had sex again, it was like for whatever, I don't know what the fuck changed or happened.

I don't know. I was able to last a lot longer. And like my confidence skyrocketed. And that just in turn made you last longer, which then in turn, yeah yeah it's dicks are weird they they're contrary little fuckers like our brains are constantly working against our body and our body is constantly working against our reasons unknown they hate each other yeah it's it's very very frustrating so like i've had sex thousands of times probably at this point and i still don't know with 100 certainty what my body is gonna do

oh no like i yeah ages ago there were three different sexual experiences i had in like three weeks with three different women and two of them very like what i would have expected one of them i came so quickly and i was like well okay this would have crushed my confidence if it was a decade earlier yeah i mean but i was like whatever well, okay, this would have crushed my confidence if it was a decade earlier. Yeah. I mean, but I was like, whatever. Like they didn't mind. I didn't mind.

We did other stuff. I was like, I was just super horny, I guess. And then I was like, we'll just go now. Great. Even with like the same partner where it's just like sometimes like I don't come. I don't know. I don't know why. It's not that I don't want to.

Cold floor. Cold floor. If you haven't been to the live shows, you didn't get the pyramid thing. You didn't get the cold floor thing. We're sorry. But then there are other times where it's just like, oh, you've touched me for four seconds,

and I got to go take a cold shower real quick. The body's a funny thing. Yep. All right, I'm going to hit you with this one. By Thror8, shift 7848. Posed as the boyfriend, 26-year-old male, of a married woman, 32-year-old female. Now I'm catching feelings. Long story short, a friend of a friend reached out and asked for a favor.

Married woman found out her husband was cheating on her with a side piece. She wanted a man by her side when she tells her husband she wants a divorce. Apparently, I look like her celebrity crush, so I was perfect. We ironed out the details. Her lawyer stated it wouldn't affect the divorce because adultery doesn't matter and they didn't have a prenup. It wasn't going to be a contentious divorce anyways.

I wasn't going to be in danger. There were no kids. So I said yes. Honestly, I was a little in awe of her and her insane planning skills. I have no idea why her husband would cheat. Anyway, she plans the whole thing out, tells her husband she's going away for a business conference.

He brings his side piece to their house when she's gone. That day, we just sat at home until her husband came in with his side piece. He opens the door to find her, the wife. She says she filed for divorce and he served the papers. I'm her fake boyfriend. Husband freaks out. Side piece freaks out. We book it out of there.

We continued hanging out. It's been almost a year since then. She's incredible and I'm catching feelings. I know she finds me physically attractive, but could she be into me? Should I pursue this relationship when she gets divorced? Should I tell her my feelings now? Would she get freaked out? I mean, like I can't tell you how this woman feels. Wait, wait. I thought you were an award winning podcaster. Yeah. Not psychic, unfortunately. Okay. I'm going to have to take that award back. Okay. fine but here's what i will say is the likelihood

that someone who came up with a crazy almost sitcom s scheme so did we did we say the deal was this our idea we've been doing this long enough that we definitely could have in the time frame and we also could have forgotten about it yeah so. So the fact that she was like, hey, I need a fake boyfriend for a one and done sort of like wild scheme and then proceeded to hang out with you for a year. The fact that neither one of you

have made a move yet blows my mind. But it is good, though, because I think if you were like, this was last week, I'd be like, look, it's a bummer, but it's too soon. But the fact that you've done a year, a year's not the worst.

The danger is that by now you're besties. I guess it depends on like what you want out of this. Like if you, if you actually want to date this woman and not just fuck her, I was like, I don't think there's any like, catching feelings. He's not catching boners. It's true. Okay. So presumably he's starting to like,

really like her. I think dude, she can plan so well. She played so well. I think now I think anytime after this point in time is as good as any to tell. Like, I don't think you have to wait for her to get divorced, right?

Like there's no, he's already fucking someone. Yeah, exactly. Like, I don't think there's any harm. Like, I don't think there's any sort of like like you're not doing yourself a service by waiting and i don't think you're

doing her a service by waiting either because also you're lying yeah you know if you're just pretending to be friends and you want something more so i think it's as simple as being like hey you plan so good damn girl plan a date for us uh that would be funny but no just be like hey i know you are going through some stuff you've got the divorce blah blah i just want to plan a date for us uh that would be funny but no just be like hey i know you are going through some stuff you've got the divorce blah blah i just want to tell you like over the last year i have really developed feelings for you i would love to go on a date if that's not something you're into that's cool and if you're willing to be friends if she says no say that if you're not then say i might need some time apart yeah and that's it simple we've talked about this before

have a thing and be like oh hey come on like come on over like and do a you know i'm doing a thing like come over come watch a movie whatever and then she comes out and it's a romantic dinner that you've planned and be like gotcha bitch i can plan too you're not the only smart one here or you know i think that would be fun of being like you know or or have like your friend who asked you to do this go to her place and then so your friend is bringing her something home we can't plan like this woman yeah i could i could if i if i had all the pieces i could um but i think like i think pulling a she can plan so well i think pulling a uh she can plan so well. I think pulling a, uh, uh, a reversal,

like a reverse. The thing is you got to do sick. She loves sitcoms. Clearly. Yeah. You got to sit calm her right back. Yeah. Who's the celebrity crush?

What movies have they been in? Recreate a fucking scene from the fucking movie. There you go. That's an excellent idea. That's the plan. Gears going. I don't know if it's a really weird celebrity crush though. Yeah.

It's like fucking Jason Manzoukas. Yeah yeah just like something on fire it feels like him yeah um well if it's your man like anthony hopkins or something just like eat her i guess which is actually relevant if we get to enough questions yeah which we probably won't i think that's it yeah one no time like the present two can't lose if you don't try wait that's the opposite no harm no foul i don't know do it you miss 100 of the. If you don't try. Wait, that's the opposite. No harm, no foul. I don't know. Do it. You miss 100% of the shots that you don't take.

Exactly. I think you can't win if you don't try. And if you don't try, you do lose. Yeah. How about that? Yeah. Just fucking just shoot your shot. Yeah.

Be chill and there's no harm. Yeah. But be ready. She might not be in the state of mind for that. And that's okay. Yeah. She might not want to pursue anything with you and she might not be ready be ready to to do anything so as as we always say it's like be ready to be honest about your intentions as well like if if hanging out with her no longer

seems like a good idea then then don't do it yeah don't don't be like okay well i'm gonna keep hanging out with you and secretly pine for you and hope that you change your mind. Because that fucking sucks for all of you. I'm not going to be really shitty when you finally date someone. I'm not going to hate them. We're going to blow up anyway. But this time it's going to be shitty. This is from Hot Profession 1622.

Oh, they're a podcaster? Boyfriend not actually into the same stuff as me. Today, my boyfriend was teasing me by saying stuff he knew would turn me on. And we also have this thing where we like stuff we are into on Twitter so each other can see. When he said the teasing and kinky words to me, I was immediately turned on, but couldn't help but think if he actually likes saying the things that he says. So I asked him if he actually liked this stuff or not. He said that wasn't really something he was into, but didn't said these things because it made me happy. says. So I asked him if he actually liked this stuff or not. He said that wasn't really something

he was into, but didn't said these things because it made me happy. Knowing what I know now, I feel icky and gross for liking the stuff I do. And even more gross knowing that he doesn't and probably doesn't enjoy it as much. He says not to overthink it, but it's hard. How should I go about it? Edit. I should probably have told you what I'm into it's nothing too wild or anything i like calling my partner daddy and i like when words phrases such as princess parts or puppy parts are used and i'm slightly into pet play my preference is being puppy stuff like that i don't know what princess parts and puppy parts i think i don't think english is the first language based on like some of the spelling stuff so i think puppy parts and princess parts is like the part where he says

princess and the part where he says, I didn't like puppy parts the way it was presented. But I think that's, that's what she means. It's like, I like when he calls me princess or like the, the parts of the conversation where he calls me princess or puppy. Yeah.

So one, don't overthink it. It seems like you definitely have to like, there doesn't seem to be an issue here. No. It feels almost like getting a blow job and being like, are you getting as much pleasure out of this as I am? No, you're not. You're not orgasming from sucking my dick.

Unless you are. Unless you are, which, hey, great. I mean, I'm not orgasming from going down on someone. Do I love it? Yeah, I love it because they're enjoying it. And I think that's it. It's like he doesn't need to be like, hey, princess. not orgasming from going down on someone do i love it yeah i love it because they're enjoying it and i think that's it it's like he doesn't need to be like hey princess like yeah and love it if he like the enjoyment he's getting out of it is you enjoying it and that's fine and that's what he

said i i think like the you're asking the wrong question at least in terms of like what i think you were looking for i think what you should have asked not do you like this is are you comfortable with yes right does it bother you yeah because i think those are two very different things i think there is no harm in relationships as a general concept it's about compromise it's about doing things sometimes that like might be not too high on your list but you know it's high on your partner's list so like you kind of like temper expectations kind of like they will lower it down a bit because they know it's not super super high on your list but you'll raise it up a bit so that because you know it's high on their list right so it's like there there's also things

like there's a difference between like oh calling someone princess isn't my kink. And I hate calling someone princess. They're very different. Yeah. It's such a leap to be like, oh, he doesn't like it as much as me. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine.

That's totally fine. Like he also didn't say he didn't like it. Yeah. And he is clearly willing to do it. And you guys seem to enjoy doing it and do it regularly. And it seems to go well. Those are the important things. Yes.

The fact that like he's doing this unprovoked or unas like if if you were like hey can you do the princess thing today yeah but he was like oh yeah or even even if he like wasn't rolling his eyes even if like but if like if you had to ask every time to get and that was the only way you got it and then you were like hey do you like it he was like i really don't yes that's different story but the fact that he's doing it unprovoked he he knows you like it so every now and then he'll do it and like he does it without being asked he does it without any sort of provocation he just kind of like does it because he knows you'd like it then that should be enough for you to like sort of connect the dots and be like oh he's comfortable doing it he's willing to do it for me and also

maybe happy to do it yes you didn't ask that you asked if that's his kink and he said no no which is fine but like again if like if i'm going down on someone i fucking love going down on people yeah i do not enjoy it as much as they do yeah there's there's no physical way i could i'm not getting multiple fucking orgasms you know what i mean yeah so it's like if they were like oh hey do you enjoy it as much as me and i was like well no and then they were like i feel gross this is shitty it's like that's just you're you're not understanding the transaction here and that's i think okay i think what you need to do and this is 100 for your benefit yeah is sit down with them be like hey

so the conversation we had the other day about the princess and the puppy play and that kind of stuff made me feel really gross and insecure. And I just need some reassurance going back to that. I think this is going to be my thing for the year. I also think when you say it makes you feel gross and insecure, don't in any way make it feel like it's their fault because it seems like it isn't. So just be like, I overthought it. I was just kind of in my own head. I just want to like talk about a little bit more. Yeah. Right. And, and, and be like, I just need some reassurance that this is something that you're both comfortable

with and that it doesn't, it doesn't like affect you in any way. If you are happy to do it and you're comfortable doing it, then that like, that's what I need to hear. And I want you to tell me honestly. And you can even be like, my worry is that you're doing this, but it's an ick for you, or you really don't enjoy it, but you're just doing it to please me. Because again, spelling out what your fear is, is something they can address really well, as opposed to like, oh, is this your kink?

No. And then you just spiral into, oh, he fucking hates it. So just be like, I'm terrified that every time you do this, it's a drag for you, or it's a turnoff, and it's an imposition, blah, blah an imposition blah blah blah blah and then he'll be like no it's totally fine and probably something along the lines of it's great to be able to turn you on and i love playing into that because that's what he will get out of it and that's great yeah so so take a moment and like if you feel this way and it doesn't matter, like it has, it has nothing to do with Kings. Like, like in any aspect of your relationship,

if there's something you feel like you're being a burden for your partner, or if you think you're annoying them by doing a thing, then like talk to him and be like, Hey, I lately I've been feeling this way lately. I feel like my morning shower singing is, is annoying you. And I just want to make sure that it's not

or like i need some reassurance that you know if it does bother you will tell me yeah things like that right like i i talk a lot in case anyone's surprised by that and it's like sometimes i will just go off and i'll be like oh fuck i gotta do this thing for the podcast i do this thing and like i'm writing the story and like i'm the problem i have is that like i do and like i'll kind of go off and it's like me and my partner will like go for a walk and i'll just chat for like 20 30 minutes straight you know and there are times where i'm like look i know i just kind of went off like was that really annoying like blah blah blah and it's like yeah there are times where it's like you know what i actually wanted to get a thing i'm like great what do you want to talk about and then we'll go and the majority of the

time it's like no because i know she would tell me if that was the case, but sometimes I get in my own head about it. I check in and boom, it's that easy. And it's like so important to do that. And I think a lot of people, as much as we, and this is communication and as much as we say communication is like the answer to 90% of the questions that we get. I think a lot of it, and this is something again i've been talking a lot this year especially because it's something i've recently learned of being like the the ask of reassurance is so fucking powerful but it's so fucking scary right like it's so scary to open and be vulnerable and be like i need you to help me like we've all especially as men especially specifically told never to do that ever

but i i mean like i think there is also we're kind of swinging back like the pendulum swinging back towards women where it's like you're supposed to be a boss bitch you're supposed to be you don't need a man you're also meant to be the cool girl like you're not like other girls you're totally fine like never any problems yeah you know what i mean so i think that like this pendulum is swinging sort of like both ways where it's like the damage society, we can really do it out. The damage has definitely been done to men when it comes to being vulnerable

and asking for reassurance and being open with your partner. But now I think like, like I said, it's like, it's swinging back the other way where it's like, I think we are kind of socializing women too. You can be a boss bitch and ask for reassurance. This is in fact,

a boss bitch move. It's the bossiest bitch. You think you could do this bitch. And I think we get like so scared and so hung up on this shit. And then no one wants to talk and no one wants to, to, to be vulnerable. No one wants to ask for reassurance because they're worried that it's going to be,

make them needy or make them blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was thinking about this question earlier today. And I was just like, it's funny to me that a lot of people would be like, oh, I'm scared to have this conversation. Or I don't think a lot of the times it's like people they've been married to or people they've been in relationships with the person you've chosen to be with, then you really need to reevaluate two things.

One, why you're with them, why you're with them. And two, why you're scared. Because like the person you're with might 100% be down to have these conversations. Yeah. You might just be really scared and it might be an insecurity thing. And it's like, I'm not saying these conversations are comfortable or easy and you're absolutely within your right to be scared and insecure, apprehensive,

nervous, and many of those things. Yes. But you need to then sort of like fall back on the trust you have with your partner. If you don't have that, you need to reexamine why. Yes.

Like if your thing is that they're down and you're apprehensive examine that if your thing is that they are not down and you can't trust them why are you with them yeah so i i think there's like a lot of like fundamental shit that we need to start like digging into our relationships and i think the second we start doing that your your relationships are either going to get a lot stronger or gone yes and hey in that case it's a win-win that's that's what we want meant to be gone it's meant to be gone yeah i think that's gonna do it for us we're gonna briefly hop onto some online dating profile reviews and point out the red flags put out the green flags maybe more of one or the other are you ready i

got four yeah i'll just blast them real quick let's do it uh nameless 45 if not for the blonde beauty my baby girl i don't wish contemplating life that goes double if she ends up blind to what people are like caring about what others think pray she's beyond such is it greedy absurd or unreasonable your partner be happy if asked how's experiencing bruges for long weekend not say no thanks i've just got out of a violent relationship i've wasted lots of life i'd love to Again, I'm assuming English, not the first language here. The thing is, the English, the way it's done doesn't speak of like language barrier it speaks of like you know person who misspelled shit like what is w-o-t you know what i mean like i feel like that's yeah but like i guess i'm thinking like grammatically like maybe there's like i i can't

tell you what i can tell you is bruce is great for a long weekend bruce is so good for home bruce is beautiful so i'm gonna give this a 10 because it's made me think of Bruges and I love Bruges. Yeah. You want your partner to be happy if you ask how's experiencing Bruges for a long weekend, not say no thanks. I've just got out of a violent relationship. Yeah. I mean, like there's, there's a lot in here that I'm not like, I like, I don't understand it enough to critique it. Okay. Let's talk about the best part. Looking for a woman who's, and who's a spot wrong. Of course. IQ exceeds her bra size.

That is, it doesn't make any sense. It's so, I mean, like, I don't understand why I would love a woman whose IQ is the same as their bra size. Because if they're smart, their boobs are huge.

Shit. They're insane. Oh shit. But also like, I'm pretty sure but one there's there's a letter in it so already yeah what what does that mean sir and secondly like even the biggest bra size that i've ever heard of it's like like 42 i think i'm sure that goes more but like but no i think that's when you like i think like it's almost you know like once you get 42 it like reset it goes into the next i don't know but i don't know i've never i've never seen one in what

i would consider a healthy iq you know what i mean like yes at best you're in the lowest so it's like yeah you're probably gonna find a woman who exceeds that and also there's a letter in there sir yeah i'm trying to biggest bra size ever, I'm trying to... Are you looking at the biggest bra size ever? Yeah, I'm trying to, but it's... I don't want to see the biggest bra size. I guess that would be... Just look it up. Just see what it says. It just keeps telling me, like...

Yeah, probably. It's probably, like, what do you fucking... 28 to 52, I guess, is the... Okay, 52 is still... A terrible IQ. Yeah. If someone's IQ is 52, this man, I'm going to give it a zero because it's hard to read. Yeah, I'm giving it a zero because it does make no sense.

All right. This is Jeff, 37. I'm looking for my second bride. My ex-wife divorced me when she caught me with an escort. Don't worry. You won't have to see my kids. I don't see them either because my ex-wife has full custody. By the way, I don't use condoms.

Good thing you have your HPV vaccine. Hey, dude, this is terrible. Arguably one of the worst we've read that isn't just straight up homophobic or racist or yeah this is this is so so so so bad like admitting that you cheated um admitting you like don't care about your kids admitting you don't care about like people's safety and health and it's like hpv is not the only but he does kind of also imply that he has it which is weird i don't know man yeah there's there's a lot here that's really bad so i'm going to give this a zero yeah uh sabine 26 my standards for men all date are through the roof steamy

fantasy books have skewed my views so unless you look like reese or cassian six foot with abs and wings. I'm not interested in seeing you. So this is, I think like, I think this is funny. I enjoy this because it's like, she sets up the joke of being like, my standards are really, really high. And then she pays it off with being like,

you need wings. You need wings. Yeah. Right. Like, so I think this is a very structured joke that is actually quite funny and i the more i think about i'm like oh yeah this is actually really good and i think it gives you a lot of space to play yes right like if i got this message and i matched with

this person i would talk to them like a cheesy romance novel oh right like like i would i would like bonus points for figuring out i'm pretty sure it's a court of thorns and roses that everyone's very steamy for right now that these are from so it's like you can just look at a quick google and be like oh i don't have wings but i'll take you to the fey ball or something i don't know like you you can play in that space so easily i will say there is a one in ten chance she's serious sure but. But I think that gives her a nine out of 10, which I will give this. Yeah. I think that is a great point. And lastly,

Robert 45 last week, I turned 45, but my preferred age range is set to 18 to 24. When you come over, you'll see my collection of swords and anime girl dolls and ninja stars. I think your hair would look real nice done up in pigtails in my lap while I hold them like handlebars. I like, look, hair would look real nice done up in pigtails in my lap while i hold them like handlebars like look i i think it's weird to stress how into young women you are it is very weird and if it again i i try i don't know i we've had this conversation at our last live show and like

i feel weird about age things because i don't want to say like i don't want to tell a 24 year old that they aren't capable like specifically a 24 year old woman be like hey you're a useless human being who doesn't have the agency to make the choices to date and that's who you want to date that's the the one thing i don't like about those like age gap conversations is that like age gaps can be really shitty they can be really predatory they can be really awful i don't want to blanket ban them but i also don't want to be seen especially as a guy being like hey it's fun like yeah pick up those 18 year old girls right so it always feels really creepy if i don't say yeah that's fucked but it feels disingenuous to not try to at least look at the things and there are things like there are people who can be and again well you're mature for your age is the line of creepy predators but like there

are things that go into it such as like and most of them are automatic like nose right where it's like is it your boss is it someone with like all these powers so it's like you need to know those things but there are some things that like if you find them out you're like okay it's not automatic nose at which point it's just down to the individuals which again isn't a very exciting answer and could be you know so it is awkward but also what the fuck are you doing robert but but this seems very creepy this specifically like the idea of being like i'm an older man i'm specifically looking for younger women like it's not that like i was at a fucking comic-con and i ran into a 24 year old and we have everything in common you know what i mean it's not that it's like you know

you're specifically targeting women of this age is one thing that he's done it but another thing that he's talking about like that's how specific but then also like going into the pigtails which is again like sort of an infantilized sort of like view of women. It's, it's a very sort of like young look, which just sort of is like the, the cherry on top of the cringy, creepy Sunday. This man is made. It's just bad.

Um, so I'm also going to give this a zero. I'm going to give the minus one. Hmm. Okay. Yeah. I don't like it. I think I'm on it.

You know what? I'm going to give it a minus two. I'm going to give it a minus three. Okay. We got to get out of here. Thank you very much for listening. It has been an absolute pleasure. If you'd like to support the show,

please head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the Patreon link. You get a bonus episode. Please. Where we do fucking wild shit. We do. We usually record it second. So we usually do an episode and then a Patreon episode.

And we're usually loopy by that time. Yeah. And we just say crazy shit. Sometimes we play games as well, which I'm going to try to start bringing back. Okay. We've, we've had asked or requests to bring games back.

So I'm going to start bringing some games back. Uh, yeah. If you want a little bit more of us in your lives and you want to help us keep doing this and not go broke or insane, it'd be wonderful. And everyone who is on our Patreon, we absolutely love you.

And it'll stop me from having to make a third podcast. Cause I don't want to do it. It will stop Dame. But now you see, now they want that content. Oh, what did, what's that? An extra episode a month is content that you can get right now.

We love you. Thank you to everyone who came to the show. Thank you to Liv and Maddie from 30 Going On 13. They were incredible. We had a lot of fun with them. It was our last live show. Go listen to their podcast. And I'm going to really quickly thank

Josh Ewell and Harvard City for the song Paper Stars. And I'm going to hit you with some bad sex writing. You ready? Yes. This is Perfume by Patrick Susskind. And she was young, so very young, that the

flow of her lure had not yet grown viscous. What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, you know. Her full limbs were still smooth and solid, her breasts plump and

pert as hard-boiled eggs, and the planes of her face, brushed by her heavy black hair, still had the most delicate contours and secret places. Her hair, however, was gone.

The murderer had cut it off and taken it with him, along with her clothes. Nice. I always love the, like, the switcheroo at the end where it's like, oh, it's a dead person. Oh, it's a corpse. Cool. Like, you've been just, like, leering at this corpse, like, damn, look at those hard-boiled eggs. She was murdered, sir. Damn, those titties look like hard-boiled eggs. She was murdered, sir. Damn, those titties look like hard-boiled eggs.

Detective, please. Yeah. Come on. Why do your notes just... How can you write this? You're looking through notes. He's flipping his notepad. The young inspector looks over at the head inspector's notepad

and just, titties equal eggs. It's just like all that. Then the bottom dead brackets. My name is Dave Miller and I'm now Spain. We've been your fuck buddy. you