F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 281 - Tony Pizza

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

I hope you're ready for a deep dish serving of Tony Pizza lore.  Topics include nickname game strong, cheating cruise, sitting in the corner, watching you dance with him (whoa-oa-oa), drunk gay me. Support the show on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies Flure App: Made for Pleasure - https://www.flure.com/

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions roaming the wild or sent in from our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here, right now. We also answer them on a free, or not free, we answer them on a Patreon episode every month. Yes, that's 25% more fuck buddies. In every month yes that's 25 more fuck buddies in this economy that's a deal that's your math the way your brain processes shit like makes no sense to me and probably i don't know if it's just me or if it's everyone but like you're sometimes you're like it's a full year worth of content i'm like what the fuck are you talking about but i understand you're saying... It does make sense.

I'm saying it does four episodes a month. If you join the Patreon, you get one extra, which four plus one, that one is 25% of four. I know, but that is too much for me to process. We are your math buddies. We have a very exciting live show coming up on March 7th at Black Sheep all the usual stuff 7pm Black Sheep $10 you can get tickets on our website

and we would love to see you there Yep please come along it's gonna be a blast and I might have some pre-St. Paddy's Day fucking vibes going so Okay I forgot that's happening too Ugh Fuck day fucking vibes going so okay i forgot that's happening too oh fuck we have an exciting show for you this week we're going to be talking about being real bad at nicknames is going on a cruise

cheating is sniffing panties cheating i saw my girlfriend dance with a groomsman. Help? Drinking makes me gay? I tell you guys, like, this is gonna be a good one. I feel it deep in my bones, deep down. I do feel it. In my soul, my plums. I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes. Oh, okay. Good episode is all around us.

I know we've talked about it before. I fucking hate that movie so much. Okay. You know that song's not from before. I fucking hate that movie so much. Okay. You know that song's not from that movie, right? Is it really? I thought it was... Well, like, that version is, but, like, the Christmas is All Around Us is, like, a parody take on the actual song. No, that doesn't sound right.

Don't know if you know that now. Hold on, hold on. This is going to be our whole episode. You don't know that? I 100% thought it was a, it was a song written for the movie. No, it's just like a Weird Al change of an existing song. Badly. That's the joke.

It's still a bad movie. This is from Adorable Psychics. My boyfriend won't stop calling me Tony Pizza. I, female 21-year-old, and my boyfriend, a male 21-year 21 year old currently live together and i've been living together for about four months to explain why we're living together at the four month mark we started out as roommates and then started dating i have to say my boyfriend has never been good at pet names some early ones were little stubster and sour meat one of my nicknames for him in comparison is little bird anyway about two weeks ago he starts calling me tony pizza

this doesn't even make sense and he uses it more often than my actual name he is obsessed and honestly bothers me that he can't even bother to find somewhat nice nicknames for me i have a had a couple conversations with him about it but he says just can't think of anything better what do i do is this going to be a bigger problem? Or should I even address it? I hate being Tony Pizza. You know, I do agree. I also can't think of anything better than Tony Pizza.

What could you possibly? You care about someone. They're Tony Pizza. Yeah. He reached the pinnacle, and you're asking him to go further? This poor man. Like, that's the sheer mental power and fortitude it must have taken to come up with Tony Pizza. And hey, it's a lot better than sour meat. It's certainly an upgrade from sour meat.

I do like Little Stubster, though. Little Stubster's great. I hope, like, if you're really sure, that's really cute. I like the name Little Stubster is great. I hope like if you're really sure that's really cute. I like the name little Stubster. Or if you're really tall and it's one of those like ironic prison names. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just love the idea of this guy introducing her to his friends being like yes Tony Pizza. It's like babe please my name is Jessica. Stop calling me Tony Pizza., did you know about this question yesterday when we were playing and named our entire team on Foam Stars Pepperoni? This is why I kind of brought it. So yesterday we wanted to play Helldivers.

We are now the Helldivers husbands. It broke the game. We broke the game. So we played another game, which is free, called Foam Stars, which is a hell. Yeah. It's not a good game. it's a game that you play for sure and that's about all i can say about it but it does let you customize your i guess like nickname or whatever and we chose one of the words is pepperoni so there you go so i think we're kind of like in the tony pizza verse already like we're sure we're getting there we're already trying to attain

like pepperoni pizza hood Tony Pizza hood I think it's wonderful I also let's take a fucking second little bird yeah little bird sucks little bird sucks shit I don't know also is he little like are you mocking him maybe his masculinity is hurt and

he the only way he can get back at you you Tony Pizza. Yeah, I don't think like Little Bird is a cute name for like a kid. Like if he was your son, I think Little Bird is an adorable name for a romantic partner. I would take Tony Pizza over Little Bird every day. For sure. If someone wants to call me Tony Pizza. In fact, I might change my name

on this podcast to Tony Pizza. We might just be the Tony Pizzas. The Tony Pizza Show. On every episode. Hey, you want a pizza advice? Just non-stop pizza puns. Is this what our third podcast is gonna be?

The Tony Pizza Show? What are we talking about? Am I going to adopt the persona of Tony Pizza and just do a podcast? Hey, we're white dudes, Niall. We can make a podcast. We don't have a topic. We don't need a topic. We don't need anything.

We can make a podcast and think it's going to be great just us sitting together on some comfy looking chairs talking. Yeah, we really fucked up by making sure we actually had a topic and then cared about it and kept to it. We could have done fucking whatever. We could have done whatever we wanted. We could have literally just sat down, do what we do before we record and just like shoot the shit. That could have been our show. Yeah. But instead we have to go and find questions. We have to go and do research. before we record and just like shoot the shit that could have been our show yeah but instead

we have to go and find questions we have to go and do research you know like i wanted to talk about hell divers and now all i want to do is talk about tony pizza and i'm not gonna really get to talk about either of them it's true look it's a great nickname one you don't get to choose your own nickname or like pet name right you don't two it's so much nickname. One, you don't get to choose your own nickname or pet name, right? You don't. Two, it's so much better than sour meat. And I love sour meat for different reasons, you know what I mean? But this is objectively

better for eating. Yeah, true. Although, is Tony Pizza like a living pizza? In which case, maybe not better for eating. Because if there was a living pizza man screaming, maybe begging, maybe he had a family, I don't know if I could chow down on him, whereas like sour meat, that's bad.

I'm going to have a bad time. Maybe I'll die, but my honor and my soul. My honor and my soul wants to be eaten. Yeah, you don't know that. That's wishful thinking. You're projecting. Well, I'm just thinking. Everyone, like we've seen the gingerbread man in Shrek,

where he's like, no, don't eat me. Not the gumdrop pepperoni. But how many times have we seen a fictional food man try to be like, eat a slice, have one of my pepperoni nipples? Mr. Peanut didn't want to get eaten, and then when he died, it was a tragedy. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. He doesn't want to be eaten, so why would Mr. Peanut didn't want to get eaten And then when he died it was a tragedy Exactly That's what I'm saying He doesn't want to be eaten So why would Mr. Tony Also you said fictional

Tony Pepperoni is real Tony Pizza Tony Pepperoni is the fake one I always mix them up What I'm saying is we have all of these people All of these food men And women Who don't want to be eaten The M&M's They don't want to be in the m&ms they don't want to

be eaten no and now they're not even sexy so what's the point the green one i don't i wouldn't even fuck anymore not anymore thanks obama thanks obama you know we got mr peanut we've got the gingerbread man we have so many food men and people that don't want to be eaten. I'm just saying it would be nice if there was one who could just... Or are you saying there are too many now, and to spread democracy, we have to start eating them? No, because they're all sentient. They're allowed to decide whether they want to be eaten or not. I'm just saying that Tony Pizza pizza it would be nice for a change if he was like slice of pizza and he just peels a little slice of pizza off him it's fair

hey then yes i agree it would be nice but does that mean that's what he wants no that's not how the world works look guys when we finally get tony pizza on as a guest we'll solve this problem but for now i think we have a different problem to solve. And that's, why don't you like your cool nickname? Yeah. I, look, there's, like, so little joy in the world these days. The whole fucking thing's a mess. If someone organically and naturally decided to start calling me Tony Pizza that would add a

Raya Sunshine in a overtly bleak world and I would do everything in my power to maintain that name and live up to it and the thing is I worry that you've done the opposite and you chose Little Bird

because you heard it somewhere on some like romantic comedy or like you fashioned it because you think like yes this is what the pet name should be whereas to me unless there's context we're missing which you know there always is it feels lifeless yes little bird means nothing it's the same as like oh i have a pet name and i call them you know honey baby or babe it's like okay like and, I'm not out here. Panda bear. Panda bear. Like, no. I don't want to throw shade on, like,

if you call someone that because that's your impulse, for whatever reason, I called my ex, like, B. And there was no B in their name whatsoever, but they did have a huge stinger. If they did hurt anyone, they would die.

Yeah. So that's why they're my ex. Yeah. So it's like, you know, if a nickname comes naturally, that's fine. But I think you're right. I think you got called sour meat and then you're like, I call him little bird. I would love to know what came first. Sour meat or little bird.

Right. Also, like, have you ever talked to him does he like little bird yeah i think the main point of everything going on here is like you're dating a goofy little guy we know that purely from this right he's a goofy little guy he says tony pizza like do you want to take his goofiness away? Because, like, I feel like that's probably why you like him. Maybe not in this specific sense, but, like, it's part of his goofy little guy-ness. Yeah, you've got a Nick

Miller and you're trying to get a Ross. Exactly. You know what I mean? Exactly. And if you got rid of this, like, this is the symptom, not the disease. But if you got rid of the disease, what would he be? What would be left? Yeah.

Again, you really have to stress that this is top tier for him. He's expressed to you, it's not getting better than Tony Pizza. So if you don't like Tony Pizza, then he's already told you, this is my A game. If you're going to force me back into the nickname mine, you're going to get more things like sour meat. That's the thing. It's like when you re-roll and when you get some energy cubes and you re-roll your foam. I can't remember anything about that game.

Bubble gems. Bubble gems, yeah. When you get a thing, a random thing. It's like a loot box in a game. You got a little stubster. Not bad. Let's say it's mid-to-high tier. Then you got sour meat, which is bad. Common. It's great.

Then you went to Tony Pizza. You're going to take a huge risk by re-rolling that. Now, I will say, if you want advice, and I guess we should give it to you, there's only one way to change this and it's very perilous because it could backfire and that is that much like dane said earlier that he would try so hard to embody tony pizza i think that's what you need to do is become tony pizza and i'm

talking like fresh made dough pizza for every meal a jaunty hat, maybe a curly mustache. You can't be Tony Pizza and not have a mustache. I'm sorry. There's no maybe about it. Maybe was the curly part. Okay. Okay. I think.

All right. I'll let you slide on that one. On that technicality. I think it's got to be gradual too. Like, I think you've got to slowly start off with you now just only wear, like, sort of greasy, white tank tops. It has to be to grease. It's got to be

to grease, yeah. I'm sorry, you can't just smear, like, an old bag of chips on there. And then, like, you know, maybe you start sort of dotting on stubble with makeup, or grow a beard. Maybe it's little specks of pepperoni. You wake up and you've got the mustache and then it's a lot of hand talking.

I think an early step is you get a talented seamstress to unsew all the branding from your clothes and resew it saying Tony Pizza, but in the original style. So you've got your Chanel jumper, and instead of saying Chanel it says Tony Pizza, but you don't really know. Instead of the two C's it's just a T and a P. Exactly, exactly. You gotta get oregano and chili

oil flavored perfume. 100%. I know how I said flavored. Yeah. The classic sense that you use to experience like perfume. A hundred percent. I know that how I said flavored. Yeah. The classic sense that you use to experience a perfume. Exactly. It's you just like, come on, can I just get you with one of those?

Can I just hit you with a, come on, come on. It's 2024. It's 2024. We need this. That's the thing. You're only thinking about yourself.

What about us? Do you know how much that made me giggle? Now I was doing business stuff. Now I was doing like actual important podcast work. And you know what I was doing? I was lying on my couch giggling at this question. You know the last time I giggled? I don't get to feel joy anymore.

The world's a mess. Even the secondhand joy I felt listening to Dane giggle while I was trying to draft a business email was very funny. So just do it for us. Do it for us. This is joy at Tony Pizza. I'm not giving you advice because I want you to be Tony Pizza forever. And I will say, if he does hit you with another one, we gotta know. Because all three have been standouts in different ways. Have you thought of making a TikTok or a Twitter or an Instagram or whatever?

And it's like, you know, nicknames my boyfriend gave me. Kind of like, you know, shit white people say or like what my dad says or whatever. Remember that one? Remember that Twitter that got turned into a TV show? Shit my dad says? Why did you say it like that? Because I remembered that they turned shit my dad says into a TV. Why aren't we a fucking TV show? Shit My Dad Says? Why did you say it like that? Because I remembered that they turned Shit My Dad Says into a TV.

Why aren't we a fucking TV show? You know what I'm really worried about right now? What, that we both accidentally wore black and white and it looks like we kind of color coordinated? Mine is blue, I believe. But no. What? The problem is, or what I'm worried about right now

is that we're slipping into white man podcast territory because i don't only yelled about tony pizza for 20 minutes almost and i did also i was about to go on a fucking spiraling tirade about the fact that they turned shit my dad says into a tv show yeah no we gotta move because you also said there was a quest you wanted to get to, and you said one was quick, but now one has been exceptionally long. I will say, we're at the precipice. We could make the whole episode Tony Pizza. At

one point in time, I was like, this is it. This is the episode where we don't do any questions, and we only talk about Tony Pizza. Then I did realize that we do have advertiser. So we have somewhat of an obligation

to not specifically and solely talk about Tony Pizza, but... Maybe one day. Maybe one day. But today, yes, this was definitely one of those episodes where I was like, oh no, here it comes. Dan, we'll continue this right now

on the Patreon. We'll make our Patreon the Tony Pizza episode. Okay, I'll hate you with the next one. Yeah, please. This is by Courtney Custom. My 31-year-old female boyfriend, 34-year-old male, claims that going on a cruise is cheating.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and we do not live together. My friend is turning 40 and has always been really into cruises and wanted to do one for her birthday, asking me to go. Since I have yet to go on one, I agreed and invited my sister who she is also friends with. My friend then invited a slew of her other friends. The only two friends of hers that want to come are men. One she previously dated and another that has a girlfriend. My friend is single and my sister is married. My boyfriend claims that me going on the cruise at all with two other men is cheating, even if not physically. The girls are sharing a room and the dudes are rooming together. He made no remarks towards the trip until he invited me to a wedding two weeks before, and I reminded him that the cruise group

was supposed to meet for the first time that evening. He was also invited, but I'd be happy to reschedule and accompany him. He got angry and took the invitation back, saying he couldn't have me representing him at the wedding when i'm doing things like this as in going on a cruise with two men am i the crazy one here no no you're not oh man and see this is why we need tony pizza for situations like this where like i'm reminded that people still think this way that people still think that doing a fun platonic non-sexual activity with another gender is cheating. Right? Like that's the bleakness I'm talking about, y'all.

That's the gray skies overhead. And like I went on a cruise last year and i could tell you they are not sexy at all the average age on any given cruise is like 60 yeah like unless you're going on like a sexy singles cruise like unless you're getting on breaker high then let me tell you they're all teenagers they're high school students it's in the name you're not allowed to hit on them either what's happening what is is Breaker High? Do you not know what Breaker High is? No.

Okay, so Breaker High, this might be a Canadian TV show. I'm not sure. But it was like a yacht, like a super yacht, like a cruise ship that was also a high school. And the kids- Did you know any kids would drown? Was that plot every episode? Every episode. the kids kids would drown was that plot every episode every episode there was just one kid that was just there was just like a new like a new person would come and be like hey guys i'm steve i'm a hip-hop like b-boy and like ah steve's dead steve's not making it through this episode

no i don't know if it was i think it was like a work school situation like they worked on the cruise ship but they were also attending high school at the same time i believe like a child labor ring yeah i'm not i'm not too sure now that i'm saying it out loud i'm thinking about it i also might be misrepresenting it it might just be like this is what they were doing on summer break they did like a high school on summer break none of this makes sense i'm trying to remember if there was any actual teaching involved in the show and i don't remember it was just kids on a boat it could have just been kids on a boat but ryan gosling is in it and he's like he's the dorky nerd that everyone hates and like everyone's so disgusted by look at him now look at him now you idiots this is why you're nice to the dorky nerds

they grow up to be Ryan Gosling What the fuck are we talking about? Oh, right, Cruz We are doing bad if this is our level of staying on topic today Yeah, Cruz, okay, look There's no difference between her going to a club where men are And her going to a crew Like, in that, you trust your partner, you don't

Well, I wonder, like, does she never do things like this because of a controlling boyfriend like is this a whole new experience to him being like wait you're going somewhere without me like is she allowed to go out to clubs or is that just like something she's already resigned herself to not being able to do because this idiot is so fucking scared of it or you know whatever yeah right like has she given up a lot of social gathering and social outings and social possibilities and opportunities because of this mindset because i would wager probably oh yeah like it's very unlikely that this is the one thing as cruises are an issue. Everything else, fine. Yeah. Go hang out with your friends. Have a male friend.

Especially just, like, the idea of being, like, you're representing her. Like, I can't have you at a wedding as my date while you're representing yourself. Like, what the fuck does that mean? Well, okay, let's be fair. Can you imagine the scandal if somebody at the wedding was like, hey,

in what capacity are you representing your boyfriend? And you say, oh, just tonight. But in two weeks, I'm going to be in a cruise and men will be on the boat. And they're like, what? They just hit you with whatever blunt objects nearest and drag you out to the river and drown you. Yeah. And that's what you deserve. No.

Come on, guys. What are we doing here? If you don't trust your partner don't date them for their sake and yours that's that yeah and if you need to like have a conversation and be like okay when i go to work and there are men in the office building is that cheating and just like you know i mean like pause it be like okay I go to the gym there are men working out there is that she okay so why isn't that cheating but going on a boat with men cheating like you know I mean like I just tried like try to rationalize what his like why what it is that makes him

think that this is cheating in the sense of being like are you worried that I'm going to cheat on you like is that is that, is that the concern? Because if that's a concern, then we need to have a conversation about trust. Why don't you trust me? Yeah. But if it's just like, no,

women aren't allowed to be near men. Otherwise it's cheating. Then it's like, okay, like maybe you don't even have the conversation. Just fucking pack your bag and go somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah.

Or is it just, is he hung up on boats? Maybe he watched Breaker High too much and got a weird idea of what happens on them. Man, I have never been on a cruise, and I have no idea what's going on in there. I just know that there's always, like, the hunky guy who's kind of brooding,

and then you got the sassy, like, southern one, and then you got... You're not both of those. You can't be both of them. You ruined my whole gag where I was going to point at myself for everyone you said it would have been so funny I can't remember what I mean I think there was like a ditzy blonde

there was the sort of like shy bookish redhead there was Ryan Gosling's like other like fat goofy friend and then like that I don't know if you need to list the characters Goslings, like other, like fat, goofy friend. And then like that. I don't know if you need to list the characters.

I do actually. What are the other ones we got? On a cruise. There's like, there's not that much time. Also, like if you're actually doing a cruise, because you get to a place and you have a certain amount of time to be in that city. So unless you're not doing that, which why are you on a cruise? You're like scrambling. You're getting up early.

You're going out. You're sightseeing. It's a lot of fun. You get home. There's shows. The shows are like either very fun or very goofy because, again, they're targeted to like 60-year-olds. And then you eat food and it's just so much fun.

And it's like it's a very unsexy environment, though. Yeah. I don't know. You you suck let your girlfriend fucking go and if your boyfriend is like this fucking dump him because your life will be better off and you'll get to go on a cruise yep yeah i think that's we're done being nice y'all this is the meme this is our villain era we've said it over and over again there's no need to keep people who are shitty in your life anymore. There's no need to make them explain themselves or try to teach them. It's time for people to fucking learn

the hard way. You think Tony Pizza had it easy? You think he learned? He had to fight his way out of the pizza mines to be here with us today. Exactly. You don't know what he went through. No. His brethren's been given away for free at an all-you-can-eat

buffet on the very same cruise, and he'll still let you go. You go to a bar in New York, and you get a slice of his friends for a dollar if you buy a drink. Or a dollar, you'll still get a beer, too. I think that was what happened last time we were there. Before we answer the next question, however,

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and you'll be able to download the app and get matching as soon as possible. This next question is going to be like a two-parter. Okay. Or it's like two two parts two questions of the same okay they blend together really well like say red sauce and cheese right yeah yeah yeah a little bit garlic a little bit dough 100 okay yeah this is from they're both throwaway accounts so it's fine i'm straight but have thoughts of eating another girl out i've never been emotionally attracted to other girls or wanted to kiss them, but I have had fantasies where I eat a girl out,

and the thought of trying a lesbian relationship or one night standout of curiosity has been a bit on my mind. I don't think I'm bi, I'm sure as hell not lesbian, but what does this mean? This other question is, Why the fuck do I turn gay when I'm high or drunk? This is the dumbest post i've ever made but i'm a straight guy when i'm sober like i'm only into girls but when i get drunk or high i'm into guys for some fucking reason like every time i go out and get drunk i hook up with a guy i'm a bit of a slag so i sleep around and i'm pretty sure i've slept with more men than women as a

straight guy like what the fuck does this make me gay or something? Like, one joint, and I get 100% gayer. Like, what the fuck? Why is this like, when I'm sober, I'm not into guys. I don't understand. Have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? Listeners, question askers. Gayness is not a binary, you know?

There's not just like three sets of gayness and it's straight bi or gay. You know, or super straight straight bi and gay. If you're a fucking idiot. People can be shades and stripes of gayness or straightness.

It's really harmful, I think, to set these really rigid boundaries because then you get into quandaries like this that don't neatly fit and you're like what the fuck but i do think like if you want to go down on the opposite sex you're probably by like i probably mean 100 also like if you're fucking dudes when you're drunk what does drunkenness do it removes inhibitions maybe you have inhibitions about doing it sober yeah and like i'm sorry my man but if you've slept with more men than women you're not straight like you're not it doesn't matter

what your drunk or high alter ego does it's you you're one person and you're choosing to have a considerable amount of gay sex that's's in and of itself a gay act. You're having gay sex, and that's fine. That's cool. I would say it's fucking rad if you're happy. And that's the thing. The best part is you don't seem to really mind what's going on. Just from the post.

You seem confused, but you don't seem to be upset, right? If you were, presumably you would stop. But it doesn't matter what you call it is the best yes we could say you could say yeah no you're still straight or oh you're gay it doesn't matter because what you've done and how you feel are still there and that's why it bothers me when people get hung up on like the label the tag the terminology doesn't matter if you want to do this thing and that's fine my only reason i can imagine you're doing this is because you are lowering your inhibitions ergo when sober you are you feel inhibited from doing this i'm here to

tell you you're good we don't care the majority more and more people don't care by the day 2024 never been a better time to be gay i hope bi, or pan. Or a little bit. I really hope something doesn't happen tomorrow to get rid of that. But you know what I mean. I feel like we're getting better as a society in ways. Either way, who fucking cares? Don't get hung up by the label. Do what you want to do.

For the girl who wants to go down on someone, what's the fucking harm? If you want to do it and they want to do it, great. That's really it, right? That's the crux of it, is being like, it doesn't matter if you're straight. It doesn't matter if you're bi. It doesn't matter if you want to do it and they want to do it great that's really it right like that's the crux of it is being like it doesn't matter if you're straight it doesn't matter if you're bi it doesn't matter if you're lesbian just go in do what you want to do do it safely do it respectfully do it consensually those are the things that matter what you're what label you want to give yourself at the end of it when you walk away from it and you're showering all the juices of love making

off it doesn't really matter and if you want it like i know i said i was like oh you're not straight but like if you want to say you're straight that's fine fuck it who cares whatever but i think you're i think you're being i'm just worried you're being disingenuous to yourself and you're trying to be like separating as now said like the inhibitions that you're losing when you're drunk and high that you're trying to like make this dr jekyll and dr high like hide jekyll situation where like oh i get drunk and then i make a mistake or i get drunk and then i do bad things but that's not me. And then that guy does something crazy. It's like, that guy is you.

Yeah, so I think in both cases, specifically the dude, though, because he's acting on it, I think it would be handy to talk to a therapist and broach these subjects because they have a much greater grasp on the idea. And there are people who deal with like sexual identity and sexual health and stuff like that.

So that you can find someone pretty specifically tailored to this. And I think as I said, like the Kinsey scale and looking into sexual identity and stuff like that, I think just taking a couple seconds and reading about this stuff, I think will also open a lot of doors because I think unless you're part of the community that talks about it, I think there are a lot of people out there who still do think, as Nels said, there's three settings and it's one, both, the other. Right? And it's not that cut and dry. I think it's important here as well that like, I feel like if we said, no, it's cool. You're straight.

You would do these things happily. You know what I mean? Like, it sounds like you're like, oh, fuck. I'm like, if you're getting hung up on the label, obviously the label is the problem and doesn't matter. And there's like a level of like homophobia in there as well, where you like oh no can't be gay that's the bad thing and it's like just i think you need to really think on why this matters to you yeah and let me get let me tell you dude who's been dr jekyll mr hiding i would love to have here you have this conversation with the guys you fucked because let me tell you it's probably gonna be a much more blunt answer than we've given. Yeah.

So, be kind to yourself, because it really feels like you're letting issues with, again, just simple words, really get hung up. Get yourself hung up on them, and it's like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't. It doesn't matter. Be good to yourself, be good to your partners, and that's really

it. That's what my friend Tony Pizza always says. This is RelationshipHead5349. I, 22-year-old male, watch my girlfriend, 22-year-old female, dance, take shots with a groomsman at a wedding. What do you think I should do? I've been dating my girlfriend for almost three years now. We started dating in college, but now we full-time jobs. We don't live together, but we live near each other and spend tons of time together. Last weekend, we went to our cousin's 200-person

backyard wedding where my girlfriend was in the bridal party. She didn't know any of the groomsmen prior to the wedding, but naturally got to know them as the night went on. As day turned into night, the dancing and partying started. All the way up to the end of the night, I stayed basically sober since I was trying to represent myself well in front of her extended family. She got very drunk because of the event, which makes sense because it was exciting. Towards the end of the night, she started dancing with this one particular groomsman, we'll call him A, for 30 plus minutes. Very handsy on the dance floor, twirling her around, etc. I just watched from a distance. They went to the bar a couple of times and took shots together.

I think it's important to give context here as well. I was very involved in celebrating earlier that night. I was dancing, requesting songs, etc. It wasn't like I was sitting on the sidelines the whole night. Later, she joins me sitting at a table with her family. As she drunkenly sitting next to me, she introduced me to

middle-aged woman guest she met that night. Hey, guest name, this is my boyfriend. The guest replied, oh, I thought that was your boyfriend, pointing at A. The whole situation

was very embarrassing. Two days later, on the following Monday, after she recovered and everything calmed down, I confronted her about it. Asked her questions like, what do you think led you to do that? Do you have any issues with me we can talk about or I can help clear up? Etc. Basically, let's talk, spill your feelings and I'll spill mine. I'm upset about this. She doesn't remember doing any of that, she cried a lot about it and doesn't want to break up, and her apologies seemed very sincere. Like very, very sincere. She really seemed upset about the whole thing. I told her I lost a lot of trust but I forgive you. To be honest guys, I really have no oh i'd hate to hear what the average person says about it thank you in advance oh i'd hate to hear what the average

person thinks about it so i think like i would need to see the dancing to really get a vibe right but there is an edit okay handsy comment i wrote that late at night and probably should have been clearer there was never any groping but but more of an A had his hand around her. A held her shoulders and leaning against one another at the bar. It was not one-sided either. Girlfriend was doing the same slash reciprocating it back. Flirty touching, if you consider touch as your love language. Okay.

Again, there seems to be like a kind of a bullshit clarification of being like, those touches could be flirty if you have you know what i mean like because like could you then be like oh any touch could be flirty if your love language is touch right like i that irks me let's be fair 90 of what he just said is just dancing yes like okay are we talking about like did they do the conga line at one point in time his hands were on her hips yeah dude or shoulders yeah that's where they go he specifically said shoulders as well which like as a guy if you're trying to be sexy that's not where you're putting your hands typically so awkward it seems to me like you got a case of i'm too sober for this event yes meanwhile that was exacerbated by i'm jealous i'm a little lonely because i don't have any

friends around slash at this event and then you just kind of like dug your heels in and like did a i'm in the corner watching you kiss her whoa you're why can't you see me and like just sitting there and stewing in it and being like and like yeah it sucks that your one made that comment but also 100 like that's nothing to do with your girlfriend and your girlfriend introduced you as her boyfriend right it would have been weird if she was like this is my friend dave and you were like yeah no i am your boyfriend and then everyone was like really isn't it that guy and your girlfriend just like left yeah i mean i think that's it right like i think that's sort of the bleach getting thrown onto the fucking black towel of just being i don't know what the fuck that means that's the most normal way to describe that thank Thank you. No oil, no fire, bleach on the black towel.

Yeah. The night would have been whatever if this woman hadn't said that. Who, again, was probably drunk. And I want to clarify, I'm not saying that the only way to avoid these situations is to get fucking hammered. But I think you start to overthink things. And it seems like you're already overthinking why you're not drinking in here being like i want to represent myself it's a wedding dude why is everyone representing people at weddings today like the second fucking question i think you are more

likely to give people the heebie-jeebies if you're just stone sober and trying to be like you probably looked high as fuck or drunk as fuck pretending not to be you know what I mean like you know when like you're really drunk and you're trying to like hold it together but you're just fucking weird like that's probably what you were coming across as

you were probably like looking kind of fucking weird because you were so uptight. And then this thing happened with your girlfriend where you started to get, like, awkward and uncomfortable. Yeah. And the thing is, Dana's obviously not saying get drunk. No. You know, and people that don't drink suck, obviously. But, like, it's a weird thing to be like, oh, I can't drink.

I got to, like, represent myself well. Unless, like, you have issues with drinking and don't represent yourself well, which is its own problem. Right. So I think it's pretty harmless here. What happened? And I also think like you could have gone over and hung out with them or danced with her or done any of these things. And you chose to like stand on the sidelines and stew and glare and stare.

You know what I mean? And like, I think that makes it worse because at that point you've written a script and where she goes wait where is he oh my god i gotta go find him but like she's having fun yeah i promise you what happened was like he was like oh i was dancing and partying like yada yada yada he probably like sat down to take a breather grab some food or whatever and she started dancing and then he looked over he was like, I need to see where this goes. Like, he was probably secretly, not hoping for,

but waiting for the kiss, or the hand grab, or the butt grab, or the, you know what I mean? Like, he was probably being like, any moment, like, if she doesn't, I'm outie. And he was, like,

probably spiraled so fucking much in his head of, like like waiting for this thing to happen. And then it never happened where that's why he starts like interjecting handsy when it wasn't handsy. It's a clear indication of like, Oh, I didn't get the justification or like the vindication I wanted for feeling

this way. So I'm going to sort of say like change some words around because like it's my guess is people being like, oh, if they were all over each other, blah, blah, blah. And then he was like, well, she wasn't. They weren't. And it's like, okay, well, that's a much different situation. It was also

a, well, they weren't, but they still were. Like, you know, he's trying to say no, but yes. And the thing is, it's like, look, dude, you are insecure and jealous. Yeah. That's fine. We all feel that way.

And you also made bad choices. You made bad choices in that you decided to sit there and stew instead of being chill. And that made it worse for you. And it probably felt like an eternity while you sat there, like, staring. A hundred percent. Especially registered. Like half an hour? Yeah.

At least, right? So you did it to yourself in a lot of ways it doesn't sound like she did anything wrong and if she did it would be a wild way to do it in a wedding with your friends and your boyfriend in attendance in front of everybody so you could have gone over and joined them yep and i like if he got weird or if they got weird, then like, sure. Then you would have a little bit more, you know, ground to stand on. But if you walk over and they pull you into their little dance circle and all of a sudden,

like now you're part of the handsy dancing, then it's like, okay, great. This guy is just having a good time. Yeah. And I'm sure also that this dude knew that she had a boyfriend. If they had been like doing rehearsal dinner, like I'm sure it came up at some point

in time that she was bringing you as a date so again as Nell said like pretty bold move to be like I know you're here with your partner and I'm gonna be a dirtbag not like impossible but either way I think even if he didn't then it would be totally fine for him

to hit on her and she didn't do anything so like yeah no harm no foul right i would love to know what the conversation was i would love to know if you laid the guilt on which i'm guessing you did let's look at how he said he said i confronted her he waited two days stewing he confronted her weird what do you think led you to do that that's very accusatory that's not like hey i'm upset about this thing that's you fucked up what made you do that which is weird yeah you have any issues with me we can talk about as in like it's very like what did i do wrong like it's so passive aggressive and like shitty, honestly. That's not how you bring it up.

If you want to have this conversation, what you say is, hey, can we talk about the wedding? That period of time where you're dancing with that guy, it made me feel really insecure and made me feel kind of jealous. And I just want to like talk it through with you. That's how you bring it up, right? Nothing to do with her, everything to do with you,'s how you bring it up right nothing to do with her everything to do with you because it is your problem and if they're like babe i'm sorry like i fucked up or like even if they don't say they fucked up because they did even if they're just like i'm really sorry i didn't realize you felt that way i'm really sorry it was harmless but i understand where you're coming from like if they work with you then you should be able to like put that in your back

pocket and i'll be like oh my trust is broken. It's like, no. They did a thing. They didn't know how it affected you because you didn't say or do anything about it until two days later. And now you're talking about it. And if it's respectful and if it's understanding and as long as... If you expect a tearful apology,

then I think you're being an asshole. Yeah. Right? If they understand and empathetic and sort of listen to what you're being an asshole. Yeah. Right? If they understand and empathetic and sort of listen to what you're saying and take it in and be like, okay, great. I understand what you're saying. Here's how I feel. I'm sorry that you felt that way, etc. Great. That's the conversation you want.

Not this sort of like, oh, she cried a lot. Yeah. And then the like, do I break up with her? And also, dude, if the only reason you're not breaking up with her is because you don't have mates, it's a real bad reason to stick together. One, find some mates. Two, don't date someone unless you want to. Three, trust your partner.

Four, don't be a dick. So, yeah. I think you should find this Cruz guy and maybe become friends with him. Yeah, you guys will get on well. You'll be a blast at weddings. You got to hit me with that last one real quick no we definitely do not have time unless we want to skip our final segment no this question

absolutely not no this question needs way more love and attention we gave too much love not too much sorry let me rephrase we gave some love and attention to Tony Pizza at the beginning that perhaps ate into the back end of our show. Do I regret it?

I would eat into Tony Pizza's back end. Absolutely. His little fucking ham butt. His Italian sausage butt. Okay, at the end of the episode, we hop onto online dating platforms. We review profiles. We see what works, see what doesn't work in an effort to make your online dating experience a little more enjoyable. Yes, we do.

This is blank, they're 23. The average three acts like she's a ten on here. Guess what? Most of you will be single and die alone due to your incapability to be feminine and submit. Most of you girls need to lose that boss woman attitude. Shit makes you seem like a man. If you're Korean or Chinese, hit me up. I'll most likely marry overseas, as American women are just

trash. Love it. That's a great profile. You fucking asshole. You're a dirtbag, and this is a zero, Avi. No, I'm gonna go to negative four with this one. It's bad, and we don't have a whole lot of time to discuss how bad it is, but I think if you need a reason. It's bad. And we don't have a whole lot of time to discuss how bad it is. But I think if you need a reason why it's bad,

we have about 280 episodes of podcasts that you could probably listen to and piece it together. And you have your ears. I would say on a scale of zero to Tony pizza, that's a little bird. Is little bird worse than sour meat? Because I think sour meat's the worst. You see, sour meat actually

is funny, though. I guess. Little bird is bland. It's like a stone. Yeah, but bland usually gets like a five. But it's like bad bland. We can't get into this. I don't have a name for this bad boy. Toronto native, navigating the highs and lows of Ontario.

A self-reliant, mechanically inclined woman passionate about her work. From fixing machines to speaking, teaching, and mentoring. I wear many hats. Can you keep up with the variety? Not interested in hookups, threesomes, or explicit requests. Let's have meaningful conversations. Swipe right if you appreciate depth and genuine connections. I won't make the first move, so feel

free to capture my attention. I don't love, I won't make the first move. I don't love, feel free to capture my attention. I don't love the blandness of, do you like connections? Because, obviously. I do like mechanically minded. I find it funny

that she likes speaking. Why? I don't know. I think she means like public speaking. Yes. Yeah, I know. It's just funny. It's like I own a podcast, two of them,

and I wouldn't say I like speaking, and that's all I do. I'm going to give it a... I will give it a five. I think the red flags would tip it down, but the green flags tip it up. It's just a five. Yeah, I wish you kind of cut out... If you just cut out the end bit, because as we've talked about before,

it's like, of course you want genuine connections. No one's looking for that. I don't think you... The whole not interested in hookups, that's fine. You have on your profile that you're looking for a long-term partner. Yeah. And look, anyone who's going to ignore that you're looking for a long-term partner yeah and look anyone who's going to ignore that and try to get a hookup out of you is gonna do it regardless of

whether or not you say there's a hookup so it's yeah it's it's a five yeah this is christian 31 if you're a skank who's gonna argue with me about values then save your breath which includes 90% of you so if you have an only fans beat it if you've more than one baby daddy beat it you're a skank who's going to argue with me about values, then save your breath, which includes 90% of you. So if you have an OnlyFans, beat it. If you've more than one baby daddy, beat it. You're not an asset. You, ma'am, are an asshat. So now that's clear.

We can move on. Are there any females that see themselves as wives, as lifelong partners? Are you all just spreading your legs for fuckboys and expecting real men to raise your worthless kids oh man like i just i want to reach into the collective consciousness of shitty men and delete the word female yeah that's it's funny that that stuck out even though it was a forest of red flags that one was like it's like a pretty big flag and here's why i wouldn't do it though like as much as i want to it's the easiest way for women like i know so many like all of my lady friends who are dating are like the second a man refers to a woman all

your females all my females yes all the females in my life. Like, the second they're like, oh, the second a dude refers to women as females, I'm so out. And he's like, I love you, and I'm glad that this is a policy that you've all adopted. Yeah. It's a piece of shit. It's a minus ten. Yeah. This is Asian MILF. Vivacious.

Witty. Sassy. Independent. Cerebral. Will. Oh, well read. Thought it said will read. Eagle parts community activists, fierce mama bear, and sexy vixen. Can be a little bratty at times, kinky at all times. Give as good as I get. I expect the same. Be local, don't drive. It's like, I don't want to say the area. So it's be local, comma, don't drive.

Recently single with limited free time. So if you're looking for a wifey, I'm not your girl. I appreciate that they get out a lot of what they want. They seem pretty confident. I'm not a fan of people throwing down a bunch of like adjectives about themselves. Because again, it's kind of not your place to do that. I would like a little bit more about your interest. But I feel like what for the net you're casting out,

you're doing enough, so I'm going to give it a 7. Yeah, I think for the target audience here, I think this is a good profile. I think you've laid out some expectations. I think you've laid out your wants and needs and desires. I think it's great. I think it's a good profile. I'm going to give it an 8.

This is, I believe, a first message, think it's a good profile. I'm going to give it an 8. This is, I believe, a first message. But it's worth looking at. Well, if you decide to date me, you'll never have to buy toilet paper ever again. I'd just like it all clean down there. That was disgusting, but for real, how I would eat your booty. Now, I should save that for bad sex writing, I've realized. Now, come on. Eating butt is not for me i don't like it but

i think it's pretty widely regarded that a butt should be cleaned to be eaten like eating ass isn't eating dirty ass like i think we've all agreed to this and i'm not here to yuck anyone's yuck i'm not here to to say that you can't maybe you shouldn't't. I don't know. I don't know what the health risks are. But I think the implication of this message is that that's why people are eating ass, is to clean or to receive poop, is upsetting to me. It is the opposite of Tony Pizza. I will also say, this is an opener.

So, if this is what you're into, sir, that is a kinkink and that is a conversation you need to have with someone after a certain point respectfully and like with all due knowledge and tact and this is unless unless the profile says i want you to eat my ass yeah i want you to eat my ass clean so i can save money on toilet roll. Hey, I'm sure there's a profile that is not too far off from that, and we might have already read it on this show. If that's the case,

it's an 8. If it's not the case, it's a minus 8. Yeah, that's a good rule. That's going to do it for this episode, friends. Thank you very much for hanging out with us for the hour. We know we're all busy. We don't have much time, and it means a lot to us that you have decided to spend some of it with us if you'd like to support the show we do an extra episode you get 25 more fuck buddies every month on our patreon you can get there by going to f buddies podcast

dot com and click the patreon link and you have a bunch of different options if you just want to support the show there's options for that if you want to support the show, there's options for that. If you want to get the extra episode, there's options for that. And there's also a absurd price if you really want to make our day. Yeah. If you're our Tony Pizza out there, let us know by joining that extra tier. Once again, we have a live show

coming up March 7th. We'd love to see you there. It's going to be a blast. We had a lot of fun last show, and I think this will be no different. I feel like there's going to be a blast. We had a lot of fun last show, and I think this will be no different. I feel like there's going to be a nice spring energy in the air when it happens, and I'm hyped. I'm hyped. Yeah. Time for some bad sex writing after I thank Josh Eagle

and the Harvest Cities for their song Paper Stars. This is a tweet from your favorite man, Andrew Tate. Oh boy. Imagine being 24 and gorgeous and sweet and nice and finally getting a date with the top G and he finds out you went to a festival when you were 19 and you get left on red and never recover and argue with your new men for the rest of your life because they're

just not me. Huh. Now what festival do you think really upsets Andrew Tate? I'm thinking Electric Picnic, which is like just an Irish music festival. I think if you go there, Tate won't touch you. To be fair, I don't know if I'd... I think that's a pretty good rule. An Irish music festival?

With the likes of Niall Roman around? To be fair, Oxygen was the worst one. Oxygen? Oxygen. People doing all sorts of those porta-potties. That sounds like a fucking shitty club, not a music festival. Hey, it could be both.

My name is Tony Pizza. And my name is Tony Pizza. And we've been your Tony Pizza. Music