F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 288 - Don't Burn Down Your Sex House

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

We're back in fine form and actually answering questions this week, so get in here and get educated/entertained!  Topics include ungrateful Roman holiday, a successful sexual funk, moving too quickly with a hug, toxic bedroom expectations. Support the show on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice show

Where we take your sticky, sexy situations And turn them into sexy, sticky situations Simply put, we find questions either from our incredible listeners Or we find them roaming the wilds of the internet And we answer them right here, right now, every Monday Once a month, also on our Patreon And On stage

On stage, which we have a new live show I don't think we talked about it before. April 23rd, black sheaf, 7 PM. That's I said sheaf. Yeah. Which is kind of cool and wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not correct. Black sheep, black sheep. It's a cocktail bar. We have special food and drinks for the night. We have us,

we have a cool crew that comes along. Yeah. The vibes, the vibes are immaculate immaculate and i want to say special shout out to the people that didn't know there was a show happening last month yes and chilled and they were fucking cool as hell like i think everyone who ended up being like yeah okay we'll fuck around with this uh they had a great time and we had a great time and they were they were really really fun yeah when like someone comes in and goes wait there's a podcast on?

And we go, yeah, sex and dating advice. And they go, shit, yeah, nice. I'm like, cool. You're a cool person. Now, the 12 who were like, ew, no, and left, not cool. Lame. Gotta say, not cool. But you know what?

You left room for the cool people, and that's what matters. So if you want to be cool, April 23rd. Yep. Head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com. Click the to be cool, April 23rd. Yep. Head on over to F buddies, podcast.com. Click the live shows. There's a link. Uh, we have a regular tickets and now we have VIP tickets,

which gets you a, a welcome drink, uh, included in your ticket price. Yeah. It's practically a free drink. Practically. Like where can you get a $5 drink?

Especially like some good bubbly. Yum, yum, yum. Yeah. Now this week though, we're going to talk about buying a once in a lifetime trip for your ungrateful husband successful sexual funk hug on the third date moving too fast toxic bed behavior and much more maybe maybe or or none

considering our last episode this week maybe we'll we'll answer them. Maybe we will. Maybe we won't. I'm not fired up about anything. Well, let me know. Me neither. So let's just get into it. Let's do more questions to make up for the questions we didn't do. You only have three, so don't say this.

I mean, that's twice. That's true. Yeah. This is by No Name. I bought my 33-year-old female boyfriend, 39-year-old male, a once-in-a-lifetime trip for us, and he seems almost ungrateful. So now I feel stupid for being excited. I'm expecting too much of him. One of my boyfriend's Christmas presents, I revealed I bought us a 10-day holiday to Italy for his 40th birthday.

It's five days in Rome, five days by Lake Garda, and some lush accommodation. I've even bought business class tickets. He's only traveled outside the UK twice in his life, and during a conversation ages ago, he let slip that Italy is on his bucket list, and he really wants to start going on holidays outside the UK. Problem is, however, when he was told about his present, he seemed really underwhelmed by it. I'm not sure if it's me needing to adjust my expectations,

but he has such an unenthusiastic, monotone, oh thanks, that's great, and said no more. Later on, I tried making a conversation to build some sort of enthusiastic enthusiastic response but he just didn't respond with any sort of joy it always seems to happen if i get excited about something he becomes non-responsive or feels the need to bring me down to earth but i don't understand why he's doing this when i got him something he only dreamed of being able to do i asked what he would like to see slash what food he's looking forward to trying he shrugged and said i don't know And when I said what I've seen before and how awesome places like Pompeii are to visit, he just gave basic platitudes of, uh-huh.

I didn't even look up from his phone. Thing is, his favorite dessert is tiramisu and he loves pizza. He just seemed so disinterested and has completely just not engaged in any conversation about Italy at all. I don't understand it. And now I feel stupid for being so excited. It's honestly really upset me as I put so much effort into all this. don't make a lot of money i work part-time and i'm on disability benefits so i had to save up for so long to be able to get this from i'm even gonna

try i'm going to try and calm down a bit and talk to him this evening but i just wanted to know beforehand if i'm thinking about things the wrong way before i do i think a conversation is absolutely needed because it's it's i understand where this guy's coming from because i think i've talked about this before on the show where i had a kind of rough social childhood and adolescence in the sense that like i would get really excited about things and then people would bail on me and i was always sort of like the backup plan like or the the person people would want to do things until something better came along and it became very apparent with that like that was the case like it wasn't

just sort of like teenage insecurity it was very much like someone being like lying straight to me like i'd have plans with them and be like let's go to the movies on friday and they'd be like absolutely and then they would be like oh sorry i can't but then like monday morning they'd be like we had a great time at steve's party on friday so it's like steve you know what now you're fired up let's talk about steve um so it was like very much a thing that i dealt with a lot and so in order to deal with that i stopped getting excited about things and it's sad and it sucked and it was a point of contention for a lot of my partners to be like you're never excited about anything you're so apathetic you're so

and it's like i understood i was like yes i am excited about it however i have like deep-seated sort of trust and insecurity issues of being let down when it comes to plans in advance. So I'll be excited on the trip. And like, I, you've dealt with the same thing where it's like, well, yeah,

cause I get it. I try to like, my excitement is I talk about it and I'm blah, blah, blah, but that's me with everything. I don't shut the fuck up. So,

and I'm like, let's do it. And you're like, I'm like, God damn it. Yeah. We'll be right before a live show. And I'm like,

God, blah, blah, blah. And like everyone else would be like, I'm like, God fucking damn. Yeah. We'll be right before a live show. And I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like everyone else would be like, I'm like, God fucking damn it. Yeah. Hold some energy, boys. It's like, that's, that's how I sort of deal with, you know, nerves.

And where it's like, I kind of like bring it in and like focus. That's, that's from a performance aspect. But there's also like the social aspect of being like i won't be excited about things until i'm doing it however i've gotten better like uh we're heading into new york in june and like that is sort of a light at the end i guess we also haven't really talked about we haven't um we i guess we could right now if you want to be pretty fun but yeah go for it yeah uh i mean you might have heard some ads for camp halcyon uh we will be performing at camp halcyon yeah at their pocono's camp in june uh the weekend of the six uh it's gonna be a blast we're doing a show there we're gonna be

hanging out at camp there we're gonna be doing like coffee roasting classes and being in the lake and making s'mores and drinking beer and hanging out with fucking cool people and on top of that we'll be performing so it's gonna be great so if you were on the fence about it or if you're going anyway rad and you should go i believe there's still slots available but like this is something that you don't wait to book like this isn't a last minute thing because they're probably going to book up pretty quick. These tickets to these things sell out really fucking fast. And I think they just kind of announced their dates.

Yeah. So I think everyone, the pre-reg people are in, and I think it's now open to sort of everyone. Yeah. So if you're looking for a very fun weekend getaway. Also, dating wise, me and Dane have done adult summer camps before with some people involved in this, which is great. And we

cannot state how much fucking fun they were. Like, all-time highs of life. Like, we'll look back one day and be like, fuck yeah, you know what I mean? And just, like, friendship and dating-wise, both great for both. You know what I mean? We. And just like friendship and dating wise, both great for both. You know what I mean?

We made friends. Social. Yeah. Environment. Made friends with people we're still friends with. We had sexy adventures. Yep. I'll leave it at that.

Yeah. So if you're on the fence or if you consider it, I'd say just fucking do it. It's so much fun. It's great. To go back to, to go back to the question here, have a conversation with

your partner and let them know that like their lack of enthusiasm is making you feel insecure uh and again like it's not uh this is what you're doing it's your fault be like hey i just want to check in and make sure that like i you don't seem very excited or or be like i just want to make sure you're you're excited for this trip or if there's a reason why you don't seem excited um and it might be like oh i always had the idea that i would backpack through italy alone and like i'm kind of reconciling that like there's any number of reasons why the like it is really cool what you did but what you did was also plan a trip without them yeah and some people love the planning and some people hate not like being like they're kind of like control being taken away

so like maybe he's going to italy but he never wanted to fucking go to rome that's maybe he knows nothing about lake garda because i didn't until i went there it's great yeah it's like maybe there was maybe there was like a plan yeah that or even like a place or maybe he really wanted to do fucking florence you know yeah yeah so talk to him and see and just be like hey like i've mentioned a few times like i'm really excited i really want this to be a big deal for both of us but like you do seem a little like not into it like and i just want to like check in like what's going on and like it might be what dane's saying and he's just like oh i'm sorry you know insert reason here or it might be like yeah i just i'm kind of bummed you booked it all or something and that's good because when you have

those reasons if it's something like oh i just don't express excitement that way great then you know if he's not expressing excitement at least he's kind of like you know forewarned you yes yeah he's explained it won't not make sense and if it is something like planning maybe you can be like oh we can change like i don't have like our lush accommodation it's still probably far enough out that you can change the dates and everything's pretty close so you'd be like we'll do two days in rome three days in florence yeah you know or just like we can sit down do a planning sesh like what do you what do you want to do pizza oh here's a five star rated fucking like yeah you know like i think that might be what gets him into it but like it might not feel like his trip yet yeah and like yeah so or maybe he got you like a jumper for christmas and you're like here's a 10-day

vacation he's like oh i suck so much shit yeah maybe he feels guilty that's the thing it's like maybe he's like dreading the fact that like your 40th or like your next milestone birthday he's like like maybe he also doesn't make a whole lot of money or has financial issues that you're not aware of that he's like fuck like i i this is a great trip but the the pressure on me now to sort of like return fire and kind on a important occasion birthday or whatever like i can't afford this i can't do this or even just like the pressure like if he's never really booked a trip like it can be really scary and intimidating. So it's like having to now be like, one,

I got to go do this thing. And like men aren't allowed to be like, I'm scared or this is a lot. So maybe that's why he's shutting down. Or maybe it's the thought of being like, Oh fuck, I got to do this too. And I know nothing.

But like, even like as a person who's traveled a whole bunch, it could be intimidating. I mean like, fuck, I got to go organize this and this and this. And like, it's,

it's overwhelming sometimes just thinking about the amount of things you have to plan. I wouldn't have done the Europe trip by myself. Like if it wasn't for you and your experience traveling specifically within Europe, like, I don't know if I would have ever been able to sort of like wrap my brain around.

It's, you know, and it's always a lot to varying degrees you know what i mean so like maybe it's that like there's so many reasons here that like yeah it sucks that you're dealing with this because there's nothing worse that well there are worse things but it's a really bad thing when you try to do something really nice and it either backfires or doesn't seem to like work or go through you know what i mean like that's shitty so i understand why you feel sad but there's like a laundry list of reasons why this might not have gone the way you wanted it to yeah um and you know we've said before expecting a like having a script in your

head is never great and i know this isn't really that but like you did expect x response and didn't get it i'm like yes that sucks, that sucks. But like, yeah, you know, sometimes having those expectations are, you know, especially if this person has previously been pretty bad at being excited and supportive. Yeah.

You know, so definitely have a conversation, keep it casual, keep it sort of like focused on making sure that, that everything is in the right place. Cause as now said, like maybe, maybe it's just a slight shift in plans that will sort of change things up

or, you know, any number of reasons why it could be, but yeah, take your time, have a conversation about it and then move on from there. Perhaps if he's just like Rome sucks, I hate it.

Like if he's a dick about it, then be like, okay, well maybe I'll change the name of the, like, if you don't want to go, like I can find someone else to go to. Like,

I'm sure one of your best friends or your mom or something would love to. Like, honestly, if he does say something like that, I think this is a good time to talk about the bigger issue in general. If you're like, whoa, okay,

hold on. I've done this very nice thing for you. Yeah. You've told me previously, it's a dream of yours to go to Italy. So I've done these things. And now you're just turning around saying Rome fucking sucks. sucks like do you want to go somewhere else because if so we can talk about that like adults and you can be positive and exciting and or excited but like if

you're just gonna blanket be like fuck fuck italy now because i've done this thing for you like what's happening here yeah you know because then that's a way deeper issue and it's like look i love you i'm trying to do these things i don't understand why you're meeting me with this hostility and negativity. You know? Yeah. So good luck. Have the conversation. Hopefully you can iron it out.

And if there is a reason, even if it's not a reason that you fully understand, as situations like mine, be empathetic. Be like, okay, I understand. It brings me down a little bit but i understand why you're doing that so okay it also will bring you down less when you know yeah you know uh this is from sweet and sassy me and my husband of 33 years are in a sexual funk and need help we have sex a couple times a week but it's always the same he makes me come with his finger because i can come no other way then i got on all fours and he finishes.

And ideas are welcome to get us out of this sexual funk. We tried date nights and even had a couple of drinks, but it always leads to the same thing. Thanks for your help. Well, one, have you talked to him about it? And two, I understand monotony can be a funk but for me a sexual funk doesn't involve both of you finishing right like you know what i mean like it's i i get it like there's there are varying levels i guess you know it's not a dead bedroom but if you're having sex and finishing and they're

like you know that sucks you know if you're bored if there's something and obviously she is like i get it if i had sex the same way every time i'd be fucking bored true you know even if i came but for me if the only way you can come is one very specific way and he knows how to do that yeah it would be weird for him to be like i'm not gonna do that yeah right like there's you've you've pigeonholed yourself into a situation where again whether it's like you could further experiment and be like maybe the only reason you can come that way is because you've told yourself that for 33 years of yeah like i'm i'm gonna take that part and focus on it right now where it's like you can come other ways you know what i mean

and i'm saying like if it's just like lie down i'm not fucking you i'm gonna finish you with my fingers and then you have to turn over and we do doggy style you could change all of that one he could finger you while fucking you which i don't know if you're implying that's the case or not but it's weird to just be like makes you come with his fingers because like if you're coming, unless it is literally this clinical, like lie down and I'll finger you. And then, you know,

then like shake up the positions, you know what I mean? Have him like, you know, if doggy is the only way he can finish, which again, doesn't track, have him like fucking like build to a climax together where it's like,

he'll finger you a little bit or like rub your clit and he'll fuck you from behind. And you can do both at the same time and like play with that you know what i mean or just like a tongue and a finger they should be able to replicate what they do just i mean unless it's like an internal thing like you can't really i guess right like if it's because when i when i hear fingering i don't think of clitoral stimulation well he just said he didn't say fingers with his fingers maybe yeah so i don't know it makes meal stimulation. Well, he just said he didn't say fingers with his fingers. Maybe. Yeah. So I don't know.

It makes me come to this finger. Yeah, that's true. So it could be, it could be clitoral stimulation. I just, whenever someone's like, it's the only way I can come.

It's very rarely penetrating. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. It might be. Yes. So one, I think you guys have the toolbox,

you know how to make each other come and you're having considerably more sex than I imagine. Most people after 33 years of marriage, if you're having sex multiple times a week after 33 years and they're coming great i think you're killing it you've got the blocks but like it seems strange to me that like you you're like oh we tried date night and we tried to have a few journeys like okay that's not sex yeah those are nothing to do with anything so like like that, if that, if you're like, Hey, I want to spice things up. And you suggested going for it. I want to spice things up. Let's watch rich Ricky Stinicki.

Okay. Right. Like, was the question, like, did you pose the fact that like, what you want to change is the sex? Yeah. Or is it just, you were like, I feel like we do the same thing all the time. Let's go on a date night. Yeah.

And then you did that and came home and fucked the way you always do. And you were like, God damn it. Yeah. Like talk to him again. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't, but if you do like one,

what do you want? Cause I could tell you to do X, Y, and Z and they might not be what you're into. But if you don't know what you want one, I don't know how the fuck it help you. But like, look at porn,

read a book, fantasize. What is it that you would want more, look at porn, read a book, fantasize. What is it that you would want more of? Is it like role play? Is it toys? Is it a change of locality? You want to fuck in the kitchen? You know what I mean?

Do you want to watch porn? Do you want to get tied up? Like there's a million different things you could do because all you're doing is one thing. So the entirety of everything else is available to you and it's only going to be down to what you want to explore yes so come up with a list of positions that you would like to try be like i want you to fuck me missionary i want to ride you i want to do this maybe you want to do things beforehand maybe you want to do some spanking maybe you want to do some dirty talk maybe like analysis role play like think of things like a lot of people and i'm not surprised assuming you're

in your 50s or you know late 40s right um so you're probably of the mindset that sex is penetration and and it coming and then that's it but sex is so much more than that sex is foreplay sex is aftercare like sex doesn't begin and end the second a dick goes inside a vagina and then when one or both finish right like that's that's not sex that's an aspect of sex and that kind of usually is the the main event of sex but it doesn't have to be and it isn't so figure out as now said figure out what you want yeah and then i also ask what he wants yes very importantly and then mesh those two together but even more importantly if you haven't had a talk about the specifics if you're just like it's in we're in a rut let's have a beer like yeah you need to be specific about what you want and what

you're aiming for and i feel like you've you you might be not doing that specifically when you're in this question alone you're like we're in a sexual rut we went on a date okay then yeah like what makes you think those two things are connected because like i could be in a sexual rut and then go on a romantic holiday but if we haven't solved the sexual part of things and it doesn't matter where the fuck or what the fuck we do i can throw rickies to nicky on anytime i want it's not gonna change how i fuck i assume i haven't seen the movie maybe it will i think it would okay damn i've changed the way you fucked it's changed the way I do everything. But like,

yeah, it does feel like you're skirting the issue and maybe that is the issue. If you can't have a frank discussion about sex, that's bad. Yeah. And hopefully that you guys are still fairly like incredibly sexually active for as long as your relationship is. Hopefully you guys have at least some sort of ability to to to have a sexy conversation and even like you want easy things to do to spice up your

your your love life your sex life send them a filthy text yeah right like that's something so like even if it is just like i can't wait for you to finger me tonight I can't wait for you to bend me over and come all over me or inside of me like whatever your preferred method of he's going to be the same thing I've done every day for 33 years yeah no shit Debra but like you know I mean like send a filthy text

send a spicy text message and then or at the beginning of your day you know whisper before you guys head out to work just be be like, look, I want you to think of three things that you want me to do. And after dinner, you're going to tell me what those are. Yeah. Great. And then like, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to do them again.

All those conversations need to be had, but setting those gears in motion and getting anticipation getting out of the rut because that if it's not something you usually do yeah it's spicy it's different you're out of the rut you know like it doesn't take much it really doesn't you just have to make sure you're getting out of the right rut yes right yeah and and if your issue is like oh sex sucks because we're disconnected from each other because we don't do date nights which also like you're not doing date nights come on then that's a different issue yeah and maybe they're both issues at the same time but they require different solutions and i will say to finish it off much like your husband does with his finger um like if you only come a really specific way can you blame him for making you come that specific

way you know what i mean so maybe like one open it up like talk to him and you know just you the impetus is on you if you have a very specific one way track to come if he varied from that that would probably suck so it's like you need to be the driving force yeah you can't be like i want to switch it up to a thing that won't make me come. Yeah. Right. Like, and if that's something you want,

I guess you need to communicate that with him in a way that makes sense. Right. And isn't going to make him feel like shit. Look, I don't want, I, we don't like painting brushes with generality, but men aren't the smartest when it comes to sexual literacy.

In the sense that he might be very content with knowing that I made you come. And then I came. This might be a thing. If you guys have both discussed that you are in a rut or you're in a funk, sure. But if this is just how you feel, this this might be for him like the best he's got a checklist yeah and it ends with both of you coming like that might be all he he wants and like maybe he is so like set on his way because he thinks that is a very specific thing that you like like again we've talked about it before if a woman says hey i like that shirt oh that's

my shirt man that is now my shirt i'm gonna wear that anytime i want to look good or feel good about myself i'm putting that shirt on yeah there there is a a compliments drought with man there is a confidence drought with man there's an everything drought with man so it's like if he made you come maybe that's why he married you he's like i did it finally well or the fact that like maybe way back 33 years ago this was insane for you because no one ever made you come or whatever maybe you were like that's the best sex i've ever had and you were like always do that and he did yeah never never like never fuck me a different way like that was perfect that was great thank you so. That was perfect. That was great. Thank you so much.

That was amazing. And that was his shirt compliment. Yeah. Right? The way he's fucking you is his shirt. Yeah, that's his shirt. You're going to take his shirt off? He's going to be cold.

So maybe you might just need to be like, maybe the onus is on you to be like, I want to try something new. I think the onus is on you because one, you have a very specific way to come. And two, you're the one with the problem yes he may he may also have the problem yeah we don't know where we know you have it we know you have a specific way to come so you really can't fault the man for being like no yes and i would love to know like when you say it's the only way that you can come it doesn't mean it's the only way he's made you come is the only way you've

made yourself come is it the only way you've tried like yeah like i just i want to know the specifics is it like you know is it a very like he does his makes you come thing yeah he does his arcane sigils yeah on you and or is it just like while he's fucking you he rubs your clip because i hate to break it to you that's 90 of women you know what i mean like if if you're saying you only come by clitoral stimulation yeah yeah that's that's it basically you know what i mean so if that's the case he can fuck you a million different ways while rubbing your clit and like now said like the if it is clitoral stimulation a thumb or a finger is a tongue is a far more flexible. Like,

and like, is it the case that like you have a mental block or something with that? Cause I know a lot of people are uncomfortable with oral, but like maybe seeing a sex therapist or a therapist or, you know, like there are so many things that might be a play here. And I think like a lot of the onus is going to be on you, which is not a bad thing.

And the thing is i find that i've talked to like friends who have been like oh we do the same thing whatever and then i'm like i suggesting and they're like no no no so it's like how much of this routine is based on your you know the way you view sex or the way you think that like xyz isn't befitting or you know what i mean like how much of it is your own personal preference of being like the way you think that like X, Y, Z isn't befitting or, you know what I mean? Like how much of it is your own personal preference of being like, I don't want to be on top because I don't like the way my body looks.

I don't want to be a missionary because my boobs wiggle around a weird way. Like how much of it is things that you've already crossed off because of, or what you're comfortable with. And this kind of goes for both a, did this happen in the past and make sure it doesn't happen in the future if you say hey let's open the door and we'll discuss things you want to do and he says a threesome you can't be like no fuck you like you can be like i'm not into that but you need to be positive and like meet people like honorably on the field of suggestions you

know yeah because if you open the door and immediately slam it shut the second he risks yeah you know something you're never gonna get anywhere right just because he says it doesn't mean you have to do it or like it but like you have to honor the confidence and and the like you know honesty of somebody meeting you halfway and being like these are things i'm into because there's probably things you're into that one, he might not like, or two, you might be really scared to admit. And it's like,

don't, don't be shitty. Yes. You know? Yeah. When, once you, if,

if your problem is sexual rut and you feel like you are doing the same thing over and over again, you can't then open the conversation and then be upset if someone suggests otherwise yes because they don't know they don't know where it needs to go right like you might have a very specific floor plan of what you want in your sexual house which is great because they also might not want that which is why yeah you would hope they'd be chill if you suggested something yeah and it's like you don't know where everything is the first time you walk into a person's house so you have to open some doors you have to like rummage around open a couple drawers see what's in there and then if

you come in you're like oh actually that room's off limits that's fine sorry my bad i didn't know right and like that's that's what you explore and sort of get the layout and the blueprint of of who they are as a sexual person and then you jam your houses together and you make a super house or you you invite them over to your house. Exactly. And you take turns entertaining one another in each other's houses, in each other's rooms. You don't just walk in, try to guess where the bathroom is, get it wrong, and throw a fucking match on the floor. Yeah.

Or shit in a drawer. Don't shit in a drawer. Unless that is a very specific room in their house. Yeah. So just try to be chill. And on the flip side side just because somebody wants something does not in any way mean you have to do it yes so like live between fuck he said that i gotta do it and fuck you for saying that live between yeah you know and find find little like

by now you've been married for 33 years you should know that compromise is the the spice that keeps is the glue that holds any good relationship. Maybe you have a shit marriage and we're fixing that too. Yeah. So like, you know, if, if he's like,

I want a threesome and you're like, I'm not cool with that. However, what we can do is I'll give you a blow job and you can watch porn. Yeah. Right. And that way it's like, you know,

you can, you can fantasize about the person on the screen blowing you while I do it. Or, you know, any number of things like I'll put on a wig. I'll to be someone new like we can role play as whatever like there's a million things and again if it's just not something you're into that's fine if you're like hey thank you for letting me know like i really like i don't think that one's for me but like what else you got he's gonna feel more comfortable bringing them up if you don't shoot that down be like fuck you how

dare you and there are those there are those uh lists that you can do online where both partners fill out like check boxes tinder where you like swipe and yeah it's essentially so it's like you you have two like checklists one partner does one one partner does the other and then it's matched between it and it'll be like you both like this great and then it's like then you can do it in sort of like a risk-free if you're nervous or whatever you can do it in a risk-free fun you know and are they predetermined lists yes i believe so great then it kind of saves you the room of having to come up with stuff which sometimes you're on the spot can be hard yeah but make sure you do these things safely make sure you do your research make sure you're both on the same page you know yeah your spanking might not be his

spanking you know and you don't want spanking might not be his spanking you know and you don't want him to show up with a spiked paddle when you just want like a little yeah you know so talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk i don't know if we've ever mentioned that before no this is our first episode where we're going to do that but hold on how do you say this word? Community. Community. Community. Community. Yeah. It's meant to be good.

I've heard it. I've heard good things about it, but I've, I haven't checked it out yet. You know what else I've heard good things about? Well, Ricky Stinicki. And by that,

I mean, it's, I may have to watch it. It's a life changing movie. Maybe you just watch that. Cause it will a hundred percent guarantee from day and change the way you fuck. Yeah. No,

no, no. Change the way you live damn top to bottom everything about it damn i was wondering why you're wearing a white suit and a cowboy hat uh this is by choice atmosphere 527 girl i'm seeing said i'm going too fast because i texted that i want to hug her after third date was i wrong damn we've been texting for a year she recently came to my town for unrelated reasons. We met up. We've been going out consecutively

for three days and she said she enjoyed them. Later at night while we were texting, she said it's cold outside. I replied I would hug her to keep her warm. She became defensive that this was a little too fast. Was this a mistake? This really put me off and I feel like I'm wasting my time for someone that's not even into me. How old are these

people? Does it say? It does not in any any way say they're over the age of like 12. I hope so. She came to town for unrelated reasons. Was the unrelated reason that her dad had a work trip or like summer camp or something, right? Like, I don't know, but like,

unless you're a, I wouldn't even say teenager at this point. I think you have to, you gotta be a pre-teen like if if again i'm not here to yuck anyone's boundaries or whatever but like if a hug after three dates and a year of communication is too much too fast and that doesn't line up for you yes then like yes if if someone told me hey this is going too fast i can't hug someone on a third date absolutely not i would be like okay this is this is a huge red flag for me yes not necessarily because

like i'm not saying you're a bad person i'm not saying you're done done anything wrong it's just you do not align yes in any way yeah for me i would throw a flag on the the field and i've been like oh yeah hey let me tell you once it gets to, you're not going to be cool with any of the things I want to do. Most likely. So when sex, when sex, when sex, like, or is it there at all? Maybe it's a, maybe it's like a damn situation where it's like you hug once and then you're just, that's it. Maybe it's like in roadhouse when Jake Gyllenhaal is like, once I reach a certain point, I just got to kill. I just have to kill.

I get my kill boner on. I become Killy Stinicki. And yeah, maybe that's it. It's like she knows. She hugs. It's over. And then it's fucking. She's going.

She's going in a boat. She's hugging everyone on that boat. She's going back to the bar, hugging a boat through the wall. And then she's going to hug that boat she's going back to the bar hugging a boat through the wall and then she's gonna hug mcgregor yeah um guess i found out their ages guess like i again i want them to be 12 but i'm gonna say you know in your heart of hearts i'm gonna say 26 which one her okay let's see i'm gonna say he's. I think I say he's creeping to 30, 34 and 27. You were so close. Yeah.

You were so close. Uh, what the fuck guys? Like it, most dates. If I meet someone, I'll like, Hey,

how's it going? Hug them then. And that is, can you imagine? You met them and you went and they're like, ah, what the fuck? You'd be like,

they blow their whistle. Yeah. Um, yeah. Like again, i want to make it very clear your boundaries are your boundaries you can have you can have whatever boundaries you want to set but i think as an adult let's also be fair this is not a usual boundary this is not this is like so we can we can we can poke fun of them we're not just you know yeah we're not

gonna go full hog and be like fuck you you're a giant piece of shit right but it is out of the order it is a startling yes boundary that you have and again you're welcome to have it i think you are going to have difficulty in a modern dating world now i got i got a i got a question here i'm gonna propose something okay what if it's the opposite problem? He's been so hands off that he waited three dates to be like, I might hug you. And she's like, well, that'd be too fast. Sarcastically. Sarcastically. Because it's been three dates and she's gotten nothing from this man.

What if it was sarcasm and this poor man is like, I did it. My biggest fear. I went for the hug too early. Because like, that makes more sense it does make a lot of sense that way that perhaps she is poking fun at the fact that you guys have been yeah yes so devoid of contact uh at that point in time like i don't i don't know i don't, I don't know. I don't know what you do. Cause you can't like, if it's not sarcasm, you can't push the boundary.

You just gotta say, is this sarcasm? Are you being sarcastic right now? Cause like, you'll find that one way or another real quick. You know what I mean? Like, cause if you say,

are you being sarcastic right now? And they're like, yeah, obviously you can hug me. We've, we've like, we've talked for a year. It's weird that you haven't, or your, it comes across as you'd like not taking them've, we've been like, we've talked for a year. It's weird that you haven't,

or your, it comes across as you'd like not taking them seriously. So it's like, it's bad. Like there's no way. Third option. This was never a romantic thing. It's been a year.

You've been chatting. Presumably nothing's happened. She didn't even come to town for you. Yeah. She thinks you're buds. And then you were like, I wish I could hold you, hold you. And she was was like oh no yeah maybe it's too fast for your online friendship yeah like i mean like at this

point in time i think you do have to move to wherever she originally came from just swap cities call it off it's just run away from the whole situation okay yeah that's a bold approach i mean he has to cut his losses here yeah there's no way forward i've actually been adopting that approach more so like if i fuck up and work i just grab them out of their seat i sit down i'm like i'm the customer now yeah so how dare you i've been waiting 45 minutes for my food you haven't even given me a menu this isn't even my table who are these people whose child is this i don't know who this is what's in this burger you even know your manager is uh yeah so i mean like i don't have advice for this i think the

advice is what you gave earlier is like if this, you know, if this doesn't meet your expectations, it doesn't align with your physical values, you know, that's fine. Right. Much like if you meet someone, they want to fuck after an hour or someone who doesn't want to fuck for until you're married. And you're like, yeah, I don't want to do that. If someone is not physically where or comfortable with what you want, it is fine for you to be like oh i'm sorry we have different you know this isn't gonna work out it's not fine for you to be shitty or try to push it or try to like shame them or call them a prude or fucking just hug them anyway right like that obviously is not cool but if it just doesn't align you can politely bow out that is fine you

know what i mean yeah i've been with people who are like, oh, I don't participate in oral sex, either giving or receiving, until I'm dating someone. And for me, I'm like, that's going to be a deal breaker. I'm sorry, but it's... It's a weird distinction to make. It speaks to larger hangups on sex.

Yeah. So it's like I've had to make calls before where I've been like, look, I really like you, and the sex is good. However, a big part of my enjoyment is those two things. And if, if you're not willing to participate in that,

then it's like, it's also just a weird line to draw. You know what I mean? I don't, I don't understand. So I've been with people who are like, it's going well. And they're like,

I'm a virgin. And I'm like, okay, if we want to talk about moving forward, like let's have a conversation. And people that couldn, okay, if we want to talk about moving forward, like let's have a conversation and people that couldn't have that conversation with me in a reassuring manner where I felt like if I did have sex with them, it wouldn't be responsible.

So I didn't. Yeah. And these were like people who were, you know, of age, of age, deep, deep into their twenties.

Don't worry. Um, but like, you know, if I felt like something I was was gonna do would like make them uncomfortable or have a bad thing it's like if you're not mature enough to have the conversation about what having sex for the first time might mean for you or like being cool with where that might go i'm not gonna do it so there are places and things that can be a turnoff or a red flag or

a deal breaker and that's fine uh this is from Disastrous Fruit 1, Toxic Bed Behavior. Oh, no, that was my tagline for this question. Is it toxic to want him to act manly in bed? I, a female 22, have a partner who cares about my feelings, which is great. But during sex, I want him to be dominant, kind of take what he wants. But he seems to be a bit uncomfortable with the idea. We've talked about it, but apparently he doesn't want to be disrespectful, even if we're just pretending. I'm trying to understand where he's coming from, and I want to know if it's wrong to

expect him to act in a traditionally masculine way in bed. Am I reinforcing negative gender norms? Yeah, I think the biggest problem with this is that you're referring to, you're gendering, like, the behavior when it's its own thing because you could be a woman in bed who's disrespectful or dominant yes you don't have to be a man and it's not typically masculine to be disrespectful in bed i well i maybe maybe probably not in the way you're looking for though um well Well, I don't even like it. I don't think I think his view is that it's disrespectful, too. I assume that she's not looking for disrespect. I assume it's like she's looking for choking or slapping.

Maybe not. I mean, yes. But I think there is. I think if your idea of what traditionally a man is, is to like disregard your safety and disregard your consent. Like, cause like when someone says take what they want, there's, there's the illusion to the fact that consent might not be a part of that

equation. It's just like gender has no role in this conversation. I think it does. Well, what I'm saying is like okay you you know why you think so i i think i think her view of gender roles is specifically that like men exist to take what they want like she seems to equate that to to masculinity whereas the work we're doing here is is to undo that teaching undo that socialization um so i understand

what you're saying is that like anyone can do those things i'm just saying like if she wants this to happen and she clearly does going like you're not manly to your partner or trying to make it about men the women are bringing gender into this in any way i think is totally off topic and not helpful whereas if you're literally if she was talking to her partner was like i want you to do these things and then reassuring them based on their stuff again when does gender come into that but maybe they feel uncomfortable because as a man they've been you know told not to be harmful to women and stuff which is great but like i think they're shooting themselves in the foot and making weird like connections when there don't need to be those i think i mean like i understand what you're saying but i think you could have that

conversation without bringing gender into it and it would be you could yes about the issue but it seems that the reason she feels this way is because of how she views gender right like it seems like she's like oh he's not i want someone who's being masculine and masculine therefore means this right or maybe she just wants this and then equates that with being masculine right it could be either way yeah which i think is more or less the same thing i guess it's it's different it's if i want a man in bed so he has to do that is different too i want someone to do that in bed which i mean would guess he would have to be a man then you know yeah either way i think what you need to do is one if if your idea of masculinity is finding someone who isn't going to listen to consent or isn't and like this is something we've talked about a lot where there have been multiple

instances where Niall and I and I'm sure a lot of other men have listened to someone specifically a woman in our case say I don't want to have sex with you and then we say okay and then the next day we're called you know homophobic slurs yeah or told we're not assertive enough or not manly enough or not whatever enough and they want someone who takes charge it's like cool you're not asking for someone who takes charge you're not asking for someone to be dominant you're not asking for someone to to do any of those things what you're asking for someone is to essentially commit a crime yes you're asking for your consent to disregard your safety like which is not in my opinion very masculine at all uh it's a big bag of shit and that's why i hate this

question a lot is that they're like oh he's he likes my you know listen to my feelings which is nice he's not a man it's like okay again not linked yeah not linked you need to i think like and this is why i hate the term toxic masculinity because what you're doing is perpetuating a patriarchal toxic masculinity. Like you're, you are part of the problem right now. Like you are a part of the engine. So your socialization of what you view as masculine is causing harm to both

your partner, to yourself, to your relationship, my mental health currently. Yeah. So you need to, again, like sort of untangle what

you're looking for which seems to be a dominant maybe degradation play yeah uh you know a a rougher sex situation and that is not inherently a masculine trait and that's the thing are you being toxic wanting someone to dominate you in bed no not at all absolutely not are you being toxic wanting someone to dominate you in bed no not at all absolutely not are you being toxic being like i want a manly person to you know like yes or saying that your your boyfriend isn't masculine exactly because he he has these hang-ups regardless of what they are being like you're not a masculine man because you aren't willing to do x y and z yes and the second you say that the second you put qualities on what masculine is and what feminine is,

then yeah, I think you are being, I think you are inhabiting and exhibiting toxic traits. I've had this conversation, I don't know if I've talked about it on the show, but there's a person who comes into my bar who was bitching and moaning about necklaces with strong women.

So it's just like the second you start challenging people's views of like what masculine traits are and what feminine traits are people start unraveling oh yeah because it's all bullshit it's it's like oh man it's like strong and confident and willing to do what they want it's like so those are qualities you actively avoid having like do you not want to be strong do you not want to be confident do you not want to be like in chart like it makes no sense to me that like you would assign those to things that aren't you when those are traits that i think a lot of people wish they were yeah it's it's just it's fucked up so if you want to do these things throw like also if you disparage your partner you're not manly fuck like you're just lighting you're burning down that house too you know i mean so many house fires if you want something in bed

ask for it ask for it politely have the conversation if your partner is hesitant talk them through it comfort them reassure them be specific with what you want because i'm betting you're like just be a man just be a man i want you to take what you want yeah what does that mean what does that mean that means nothing so it's like yeah if you want to be choked say hey yes i would like to be choked i understand that makes you concerned i understand there are health concerns i understand there's safety concerns you say we're gonna do you're gonna be good about this and you're gonna have research like safety tools like words and signals and how to do things you're going to be good about this and you're going to have research like safety tools, like words and signals and how to do things. You're going to show videos.

You're going to look at them yourself. You're going to do the appropriate healthy stuff, which I'm just going to go out in a limb and say, you probably haven't because you seem to have missed healthy and appropriate elsewhere too. And if, if again, like I'm hung up on the,

like, take what you want. Yeah. Because again, that strongly implies that consent is not expressly given because if express if consent is given then he's not taking what he wants and if it's if it's like cnc that's fine there's a lot of groundwork to do in any case you need to do all this stuff and he will probably be pretty reassured if you go through it with him and if he isn't and doesn't want to do it that is fine he is no less of a man for not wanting to do it because people just have different kinks yeah right like that's

it that's it in a nutshell yeah you're essentially asking you're being like the the way you're going about it now is being like hey do you want to free solo that fucking mountain or would you like to be connected to a rope with a net behind you yes with me you know also fully protected you know what i mean it's like you're offering two very different experiences. Sure. Maybe he's not Alex Honnold. You're both going to get to the top of the fucking mountain or the top of the wall or whatever.

Hey, if you're free soloing, you probably won't. I'm just going to hit you with that. You're going to die. That's what I mean. If you successfully do it, it's like the end goal is the same. You're trying to get up there. But one, you have all of the safety same. You're trying to get up there, but one, you have all of the safety tools. You have any,

any moment in time you can, you can be like, no, but like even take a rest, your belayer will just hold you on the road when you're, when you're fucking halfway up with no net behind you and you don't know what your partner wants. And like you may make it, but if you don't,

a lot of bad things are going to happen. So you need to step away from this toxic shit learn to express what you want in a comforting and fucking appropriate and safe manner then meet people halfway and if after all that they don't want to do it that is totally fine yeah that does not in any way change their gender it doesn't do shit it doesn't make them less of a person it doesn't make them better or worse or any actually it does make them better if they can stand their ground and like genuinely and confidently and honestly tell you what they are and aren't comfortable with because that is communication um and that's fine and if that's a deal breaker for you that's

fine once you don't go you're not a man fuck you and leave like it's all good just to go back to the phrase this take what you want really it's bad it's bad but like what if what he wants is to your playstation well not even that like sexually like what if he just wants to have sex with you in a respectful that's like he is taking what he wants right like like if that's if that it's like you're there's so much projection of like what this means when a man, like it's so fucking dumb where it's like to take what you want. Yeah. Yes.

He's taking what he wants. It's nice, respectful feelings. He wants, you want him to give you what you want and he won't. And like a man. Um, yeah.

So like, yes. Are you being toxic? Absolutely. For all the reasons we just described. Uh, that's a show. That is it. Thank you being toxic? Absolutely. For all the reasons we just described. That's a show. That is it. Thank you very much for listening.

We did questions this time. We did questions. We answered them. But if you were sad that we didn't do questions last time, we did answer the questions we said we were going to do on the Patreon. It's true. And it was fun. It was a good time. I was drunk.

Yes. It was a little more unhinged than it usually is, which is saying something. But we just went off on Travis Kelsey for an hour and then had to scramble back into our own brains. This is also, we talked about Jake Gyllenhaal this episode. So once again, we're keeping the thread of our girl T-Swift. Oh, shit. There's a connection. Red Scarf.

You taught me this. Well, my partner has told me the whole red scarf story and I still, I think it was Taylor's red scarf that she left at Maggie Gyllenhaal's house. This has been bad sex, right? And Jake Gyllenhaal stole Taylor Swift's scarf because

it smelled like her, but I think that's according to Taylor Swift in a song that she wrote about the scarf. Anyway. Called Stinky Scarf. T-Swift said, I had a song that she wrote about the scarf. Anyway, called stinky scarf. T Swift. I had a dream that I woke up and I was a stinky scarf. That's it. Thank you very much for listening.

If you want to support the show, head on over to Patreon. You can find it at F buddies podcast.com. Click the Patreon link. Also, if you want to submit a question, same thing, click the contact link.

You get to do an agent name. And while you're there, and if you're in toronto come see us april 23rd 7 p.m at the black sheep cocktail bar you can get tickets on our show or on our website uh for regular or vip we'd love to see you and fuck it while you're at it throw us a review yeah i'll take it do that we love you do you love us do you love us? Do you love us? Do you want to take our red scarf? Do you want to break into your sister's home and steal my red scarf? My stinky, stinky neck gathering. God.

Yeah. That's weird. That's not. No. At all. I got some bad sex. I guess we're not doing tindies today. That's okay.

That's all right. It's all right. Wait. Thank you. Josh Eagle in the harvest cities for the song paper stars. I would never forget that. You never would. Are you comfortable? Yeah.

You don't look comfortable. I don't want this chair to squeak. That's fair. Yeah. She reached under the bed and got the bottle of strawberry rum she'd won along with the top. She uncorked it, laid back on the bed and poured some over her puss and put the bottle away. Would you lick the rum for my mwanga? She asked.

Brian looked at her beautiful little mwanga and his eyes sparkled. Lick rum off it, he said. I'd chew through two inches of blowflies to lick shit off it. Brian pushed his face into Polanyi's muanga and gave her the same treatment he gave the FBI agent in Kanepo, only ten times better. The strawberry rum got in his eyes and burnt his tongue. Brian sucked it up, got the bottle, and poured more on. He licked up that much rum, his face started to glow. Polanyi was wriggling around on the bed with her hands at

Brian's hair, emptying out into his face like her Mwanga was stuck on fully automatic. What? That poor FBI agent. What happened to her? Who knows? I mean, I don't love the Mwanga, but I haven't, but I haven't heard. Who knows? Uh, I mean, I don't love the,

the Mawanga, but I don't know if I look, tried to look it up. So if, Hey, if it's a word that's bad and I don't know, I'm sorry. I looked it up before this and nothing came up.

Apparently means sorcerer in like fucking some in Swahili. I was going to say, I feel like it's, I feel like this is racially charged. It doesn't seem great, but I tried to look it up. I couldn't get anything. Also, be careful of what you pour into your vagina. Let's be fair.

Strawberry rum? That's sugar. It's just sugar. It's sugar and it's alcohol and it's all bad stuff. Your pH levels? You're going to be fucked. Let alone what Brian is doing to you. Also, I'm sorry, dude. If strawberry rum is burning your tongue, there's no what Brian is doing I'm sorry dude if strawberry rum is burning your tongue

there's no way Brian is not a that's the whitest man alive if he afterwards had a mayonnaise and cheese sandwich and had to dab his brow it's too hot why'd you put on this black pepper sir oh Brian

all I can think of is Brian from Fast and the Furious that's where he's at put on this black pepper, sir. Oh, Brian. All I can think of is, uh, Brian from fast and the furious. That's where he's at. Yeah. He faked his own death. FBI agent. Oh,

we solved. Is this best of the furious? Wait, then he popped a Corona. He washed it down with a very spicy Corona. Hey, there's lime. There is.

That's pretty much a seasoning for white people. My name is Dave Miller. I'm Miles Bain. We've been your fuck buddies.