F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 289 - Good Puss

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

You've really gotta know what scene I'm talking about.  You know?  With Adam Driver?  And he's eating the soup?  It's from that show.  Come on.  You gotta know.  Topics include breaking out of a bad dating cycle, after sex text, getting rid of your smart look. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions around the Internet or from our wonderful listeners. We answer them right here, right now, in this very closet. And where else, Dane? Also, live on stages. Yeah, maybe on the 23rd of April, which I believe is the day after this episode airs. Is it? Oh, yeah. No.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. No. Yeah. Next week. Yeah. Really?

Oh, boy. Yeah. In a week from now when we're recording it. So if you're hearing this on the Monday, tomorrow we're doing a live show and you should be there. And it's going to be fun. And it's going to be in the black sheep cocktail lounge kind of like a little suave speakeasy hidden on the third floor of brazen head and liberty village tickets are ten dollars or fifteen dollars with a little fancy drink and we're gonna be there spinning hits and by that i mean answering questions all night i

will also be spinning hits in between and before and after I will be playing my exclusive. His, his gourmet pit bull collection, my pit bull. Yeah. Curated playlist that I delight and astound and treat everyone to. It's funny.

I don't, I think only one person has ever been like, this is a lot of pit bull. I don't know if anyone's ever really clued into the fact that. And that person's an idiot. Yeah. There's no such thing as too much Pitbull. Yeah.

Well, you know what's a fun Toronto nightlife hack that not a lot of people know about? We don't charge for the pre-Pitbull show. It's true. So if you get there at like 6.30, you'll be treated to a half hour of free Pitbull. You can even leave then at 7. You shouldn't. We shouldn't. We don't want you to.

You can. What you'll hear is Pitbull and then occasionally Niall and I going, check, check, check, check, check. Which is also a free podcast. And where can you get a free podcast? At Black. Well, no, it's not free. Never mind.

No, it's not. But you know what? Enough about that. Today, we're going to be talking about breaking out of a bad dating cycle and after sexed text how do i get rid of my smart look i need to learn that one and pre-leg jitters pre-leg jitters pre-like pre-like okay weird should i just start with that just i almost want to i also read out the wrong question because i panicked so we're not going to get to do the one i really want to or maybe we will let's

fucking crush these are you ready ones i have are pretty pretty quick okay so we might be able to get through we're gonna start off with a audience question okay uh thank you this is agent johnny boy uh subject fuck boy behavior oh i'm a 23 year male. I have a bad cycle when it comes to dating. Situation is, I go hard after a girl I think I really like. If I get the girl, I lose interest, slash back away when they start having expectations for me. Then when things cool down, we hang out again, and it feels better than before, but eventually I back away and break things off. This girl I'm seeing, we'll call Brooke, 23-year-old female.

She's a kind, beautiful person, and actually a really good fit for me. I'm just too scared to commit. Feels weird to say, I really like you and want to be with you, but I haven't felt normal saying that to anyone. We've had many conversations since the beginning where I say I don't want anything too serious and I don't want to be exclusive. She always says she's fine with it, but seems to hope I'll change my mind. She says she just wants to be with me, but I can't help but notice she wants more. I've broken things off when they get too serious and then we come back and do it all over again. feels mean so i'm wondering if y'all have experienced this is this classic commitment issues or should i end it because i don't like her as

much as she likes me i mean it certainly doesn't seem like like a mismatch in terms of like attraction like you seem to think very fondly of her so i don't think that necessarily is it does give me strong commitment issues right like that's what it seems like it seems like you are scared or nervous or unsure insecure whatever word you want to use there's there's a number of reasons why you can feel this way of being like i'm choosing this person and like i get it you're young you're 23 that was around probably my strong ho phase of being like there's so many options there's so many like social activities that you're probably doing and like meeting new people and dating apps and like there's there's a lot of like probably living alone or like out like have moved out of home you know what i mean like

you'll probably have a lot of independence right now. And it's really difficult to want to give that away. And that's not to say that are on top of possible, like being scared of getting hurt, scared of opening up. Like you seem to ping specifically on like expectations. So it's like the responsibility of being more or, you know, being something for someone in that way, which is hard. There's a lot that goes into this and it could be any number of those things or all of them that are making you hesitant to commit. Yes. And like it also, I don't know if you gave a timeframe of how long you've been seeing

this person because that also factors into things. Yeah. I would also be unsure or worried about expectations that were being set like two three four five months into a relationship if i wasn't ready or if i was you know so like you need to do a hard look and like do an like an unapologetic look at yourself and be like hey am i doing it because i'm insecure where like something i dealt with when i was younger being like, I don't think I'm worthy of this person's affection and love and attention. Yeah. And therefore I'm going to sabotage it so that I know it's my fault.

You know what I mean? Like, if you can point to the reason why it ended and that was under your control, then there's no, like, there's no questions. There's no whatever. It's still probably hurting you,

but in ways you're not as privy to. So it feels like you're keeping yourself safe. It's easier to be like, oh, I broke it off because, you know, I made that choice then to to take the risk and then get hurt. And then you'd be like, oh, you decided that you didn't like me enough to do that. Like that's of course, it's harder to hear. So you do need to do a a sort of like emotional inventory of yourself and get a baseline like an honest baseline and this is gonna suck probably right like i have a hard time believing as a as a 23 year old dude that you won't find

some things that you don't like and that's fine yeah that's growth no one is expecting you to be perfect and least of all should you expect to be perfect yeah and i think the more problematic situation in this is if you take a hard look and you go damn 100 i passed with flying colors i i absolutely am perfect yeah i did it there's nothing wrong and nothing i need to work on nothing can be improved damn this is it i've peaked i'm 23 and i'm there yeah um so you might have to maybe you do recognize be like oh shit yeah i'm totally totally terrified of not being enough for someone and i think that perhaps i am i'm not enough for someone that is i feel like a very universal thing

that a lot of dudes will go through at some point in time and that's fine. That's great. Clock it, note it and be like, okay, she has pretty much done a lot of hard work for you being like, Hey, I want to be with you. I want to spend time with you. Those are great things to, to listen to and believe.

Right. I think we do a lot of, a lot of mental gymnastics, especially as men. It's yourself that it's, they're not, they don't really mean that. A lie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's, there's something nice or, Oh, especially as men. that it's, they're not, they don't really mean that. A lie,

or, yeah, you know, there's, there's something. They're being nice, or, oh,

they, yeah. Yeah. I think you, you, I think you've gotten half answers, right? Like,

I think he's got, he's, he's tipped the puzzle box on the, on the table, and he's like, he's kind of got the borders. Well, I,

I say to that, I think he has answered his own question, and I think he's forgotten he's answered his own question. I think that's why it's so clear that he's lying to himself. Okay. Because he says at the top, beautiful, kind, really good fit for me. And then says, I'm just too scared to commit. Yeah.

It feels weird to say, I really like you. I want to be with you. But then at the end says, should I end it? Because I don't like her as much as she likes me. Yeah. What, what, where'd you get that from? Yeah. You literally say you like her and heavily implied that you want to

ask her out, but then you state you're too scared to. Yeah. I don't understand how you can get from that to she likes me more than I like her. It's like, that doesn't seem to be the issue here. Yeah. Especially cause she seems to be like, you said, you think she wants to change her mind. You think she wants to move forward. She says she's happy just being with you right now. So it feels like a lot of projecting or self-defense of like, you know, coming up with these, oh, maybe she likes me too much. Like you like her and you're too scared to commit.

That is totally fine. Yeah. That's a normal thing. That is, hey, been there. Yeah. You know, that's totally fine. But being honest with yourself is key because it feels like that last sentence isn't being honest. And do I think you should end things with her for that reason? No, because from what I've read, that isn't the reason.

The reason or a reason. Yeah. So I think you have, there are other things like you being like, oh, hey, I've had the conversation and been like, oh oh i'm not looking for anything too too serious i want to keep it casual blah blah blah those are great conversations to have and those are also conversations that you continue to have yes right it's not like you had it once yeah like well shit you had that conversation now have another conversation be like hey i've grown to really really like. I don't think I'm quite ready to make a big leap, but I just want to sort of reiterate how much I like you and how much I want to spend time with you and how much I want to continue to see where this goes.

And that gives them an opportunity to check it out. Right. Like if they might be like, look, we've been seeing each other for X amount of time. And if you're not quite ready, I think I might have to pursue something else or, like that's fine that's not a you problem that's not a her problem that's just a yeah for sure that's that's when you start talking about not being the right fit um but she might be like great cool i'm also really enjoying it and then might

say you know this is how i feel this is what I want. This is and keep it about yourselves. And don't be like, what are we? What do you want? Say, this is what I want. This is where I'm at. And most importantly, don't try to guess what she wants to hear. Yes, that is. And also don't don't like hold back.

Yeah. To be cool or to be safe or, you know, whatever. It's like sugarcoat things. Yeah. Yeah. You don't gain anything by not being honest in these. Like if you really like someone and you're like, yeah, things are fine. That sucks for you, for them. Like there's no point you don't gain. And that's kind of what I want to say as well as to the fear of commitment. It's like,

I get it. Been there. We all feel it in certain ways at certain times. But like, if you want to be with someone, clearly there are reasons you want to be with them and you have to weigh those against the, the, the risks of opening up your, your, you know, your emotions like that,

your vulnerabilities. And, and like it sucks, but they're all very manageable. If things don't work out, I don't think you're going to be much more hurt than you are going to be throwing away things that could be great. Yeah.

You know, and maybe it'll be more intense. Maybe it'll be trickier if you move in and you have to deal with that and all that. But like people deal with that and much worse every day. You know what I mean? We've all been through shitty, messy breakups and it's, it's of course a hell, but it is a hell that you get through and it is not better than never getting to those highs of the relationship prior yeah no end of a relationship for me has ever been worse than everything else you know what i mean even if it really sucks so the risk is worth it and i think the fact that we as a species continue to date means we all do agree to some extent that the risk is worth it so like don't hold yourself back

because you can deal with the bad stuff if it happens but in between now and then there could be so much good fucking stuff and the bad stuff might not happen yeah you could end amically you could end you know neutrally you could not end you know what i mean that's the thing it's like you have to i mean the way i've always seen it is the the risk take, like falling in love with someone is the, the expectation of being like, oh, you can hurt me. And then trusting that they won't. Yeah. And that's not to say that it won't end in heartbreak because even if like my last relationship ended fairly amicable and fairly mutually, and we were just like, yeah, we,

we've been together for seven years and who we were isn't who we are and and that path that we were on together are now is is now diverging and it doesn't make any sense to be together anymore that still sucked right like that still hurt but it hurt way less and in a much different way than being like we're gonna drive this into the fucking ground for one of us is gonna cheat on each other you know we're gonna be miserable or we're gonna get really cold and we're gonna get really bitter and we're gonna get really mean like just things are gonna keep getting worse and then this is gonna happen anyway so you have to trust someone enough to be like i know i'm giving you a fairly fragile package and I now trust you to take care of that package.

And I now have the onus of taking care of the package that you've just given me. Because it's an exchange. Yeah. And yeah, it could suck, but it could also fucking be awesome. And it probably will be awesome far more than it sucks and for far longer. Yeah. And if it isn't, you'll be fine. Like you can definitely make it through that.

Because again, I think what you're doing is a little like death by a thousand cuts of suckage. Because clearly you've noticed a pattern. Clearly you're unhappy with this pattern or else you wouldn't be here in this closet with us, cramped, you know, in the corner. So you know that you're still hurting yourself and maybe others. You know, you said you feel like you're being mean, right? That's not a nice way to feel. So I don't think you're saving yourself anything by not committing if you want to commit, you know what I mean? And I think you should go for it. I also think you should. If after you do this

sort of inventory, if you think you're in a place to date, I think you should date. Otherwise you need to have that conversation and be like, Hey, I'm checking in with you. We've been seeing each other for X amount of time. Here's how I feel. I would love to know how you feel and have a very frank and honest discussion about like that metric. And like, again, don't, don't be like, Oh,

maybe I'll be ready to date you in x don't talk about like possibilities don't talk about where you time frames either yeah and don't be like give it two weeks like that's unfair on both of you because you're gonna be panicking to be like shit i have to make a decision two weeks she's gonna be like great in two weeks i get an answer and like i also think this is a good time to, if your relationship currently is like we meet up and we fuck, maybe be like, Hey, I would like to go for dinner next week. Or I would like to like, come hang out mine. Still fuck by all means, but like watch a movie, make a fucking Lego set.

I don't know. Do some cool shit together. Like transition a little bit more, like sample what dating is. And you could definitely say like, Hey, hey i i'm starting to really like you um i would like to you know maybe while keeping it casual maybe explore like going on a date yeah and like if she's like no that's not that's not it for me i'm sure that's gonna suck to hear but it'll be nice to get that weight off your chest in both you admitting and now you not having to worry about it going forward right um whereas if you just keep it here i think you're gonna be miserable so so if you're having to worry about it going forward. Right. Whereas if you just keep it here, I think you're going to be miserable.

So, so if you're ready to date, go for it. If you're not ready, but you're not currently doing stuff and you do like this person, maybe transition it more towards some dates. And again, keep be honest with yourself and be honest with them. But this cycle that you're in, and I think we all know it doesn't serve you. Yeah. And if it did, it doesn't serve you. Yeah. And if it did, you wouldn't be here. Yep. Good luck.

This is from Potential General. What should you text a girl after sex? I had sex with a girl last night and was wondering what to text her today. Nice puss. For context, she was really freaking definitely not sexually shy. I was something like, hey like hey baby i had a good time last night can't stop thinking about you it's not bad yeah that's great like no one no one is gonna be sad about that now it's not as good as nice puss and you're right like you did add more

details like nice puss she's a little freaking she's definitely not shy. Yeah. Wait, is that what you would do, text? Yeah. So you talk about her in a third person? Her puss, yeah. Oh, I see. I'm sorry, I can't. Just send a text, hey, your puss there? Let me talk to her. This is for you. You gotta call her.

Yeah, like, you nailed it. And like, think about it from your perspective. If someone texts you that you'd be fucking happy as shit. Right? Yes. And it's not weird. No, it's not like you're not like it's, it's vague, but like, that's fine.

You know what I mean? You don't have to be anymore. Like, I don't really just be like, yeah, I had a really great time. So the reason I brought it was because there were so many people in the comments being like that's too clingy that's too whatever you're coming out too strong play it cool this is why we are in the place that we are

this is why things are so fucking terrible what's their play it cool option is it just to not send them something no why like fuck off again put yourself in their shoes. If you didn't hear anything from the person, what would you think? You wouldn't be like, God, they're cool.

You'd be like, oh shit, they hate me. And my puss. Is it bad puss? Is it my fucking dangly William? She hates it? Just send that. And if the person you had sex with thinks that's weird, you don't want to fuck them.

Yes, that's my point don't want to fuck them that's yes that's my point is like we've gotten so strange with communication especially with like sort of auxiliary communication about sex that like this isn't a weird thing to say to have a really great sexual experience and then to text the person next they'd be like hey that was fucking hot i can't stop thinking about it i can't wait to see you again if that weirds someone out that's their fucking problem yeah right and like that is something i learned sort of in my late 20s sort of before and and in this sort of like most recent stint of of bachelorhood is being like if people don't want to communicate on the level that i want to communicate then like

that's not going to work for me and that's i want to know that asap so i'm going to send a little fucking spicy little sexy flirty like good job thumbs up pat on the back text and if they're like weird about it yes then it's like i don't want to now have to worry about like is this are you gonna be weird about this text are you gonna be weird i want to be like i'm gonna send you a text and i want you to fire back in kind or or similar right and and the thing is like what you need to do is do you right so if you if this is what comes to mind send it right because one you're doing you you're being genuine you're being honest that's one gonna be easy for you two it's gonna be nice for you three it's nice for them because they get to see you and four if as you said you're you don't mesh in some way

so much better to figure that out sooner in this easy way than to like hedge your bets and and fuck shit up and be weird and cold. And then maybe it works. And then at some point you can't keep the pretense going any longer. And you send this text and they're like, ew, you had a good time? Like that doesn't make sense. What's more likely is you act cool and the person's like, they don't fucking like it. Yeah, they're so disinterested. Oh, it's just like he fucked me and then like ghosted me.

Or like, oh, he only messaged me when he wants to fuck he doesn't think about me any other time like it's dumb i think it's far better to fuck something up being honest and genuine and you then because again that's a good thing than it is to fuck something up by pretending to be somebody else yeah because if you pretended to be this cool whatever and it ruined it that's like a tragedy because you could have had this cool thing yeah just by being you whereas if you lose something by being you that's not a tragedy that's a good thing because you've gotten to a point where you realize you're not going to work anyway it's a win win win no i will say win win win you do need to filter it through social expectations and norms. I always

want to caveat the be you. If you're a fucking little freak, and I don't mean that in a good way, like, I mean in like a garden gnome kind of way. Yeah, if you're like, I'm not gonna wash my hands for a week because my fingernails still smell like your puss. No, no sir.

Please. I can't. Why am I keep saying puss? I said it as a joke to be gross and now people are gonna be like, that's him. But there are, like, I've also, like, sir. Please. I can't. Why am I keep saying puss? I said as a joke to be gross. And now people are going to be like, that's him. But there are like I've also like I've had times where people have been like, like it. I don't want to give examples of what's what's wrong, because like I've definitely like that. I've definitely had like people be like, like, I, you know, I woke up this morning. It's like I still kind of smell like you or like, yeah, there like, I've like had a sort of like mid afternoon hookup or whatever. And it's like,

I'll be like, I can still smell you on my beard and it's so fucking hot. And some people have been like, that is so fucking hot. So instead of doing a example, cause you're right there, you know, context,

people, relationships, timing, wording, tone, emojis, they all change all of this. But if I just don't want to, people, relationships, timing Wording, tone Emojis, they all change all of this But if I just don't want to give people carte blanche to be

Shitheads, so don't be a shithead Think about consent, think about How to respectfully Discuss sex, think about Respect and all that All the stuff we've said the last 260 episodes But send the fucking message It's a win win.

Yeah. This is this is net charming. How do I get rid of my smart? Look, hi, guys. 21 year old male from Manitoba. I have a problem with girls. Oh, hey, look, don't if you're from Manitoba, you do not have to worry about looking smart. Let me start with saying I'm a very smart young man.

I love talking about politics, economics, history, culture, religion, sports, and many other things. I have so many hobbies and interests. I'm very extroverted and I can talk to people, especially girls, pretty easy. Problem is, I sometimes come off as he knows everything and people don't like that about me, including my male friends. Also, my looks is pretty average or what girls said, peaceful, smart, nice. Every time I hear the word nice, it makes me so mad. Like I'm not even trying to talk to them. I'm just very well articulated and love talking to people in a very respectful

manner and tone. But unfortunately, the dating world and especially the girls, my generation as well, don't appreciate that at all. How do I get rid of my smart, nice look? Like for clothes, I like both streetwear, quiet luxury, old money. I don't have a specific style. What I've noticed is guys who dress in streetwear get the most girls. I live in a very small city in Canada, so the culture here is a mix of modern culture, old conservative, and everything in between. For example, it is so common to marry your first ever girlfriend or date to marry. It is not the same in Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver Vancouver where materialism,

feminism and other modern social norms is very prevalent, which affects the dating market. For those who change their clothes looks, how do I, how do I change as well? I don't want to stick to one style. I like sometimes going out with my trouser, a nice white shirt and my Doc Martin shoes,

sometimes cargo jeans with my Jordordans a nice half zip sweater is that it that's that's it how okay boy all right it is from seduction in case what um one i do want to just go back to my manitoba dunk i'm sure there's all kinds of nice people but i have to have a villain era and this is is my, I'm going to terrorize. You've come for Taylor Swift. You've come for Manitoba. Hey, one of those things deserves it. And I won't tell you which one. It's Manitoba, for sure. I mean, I think I'm just going to terrorize and antagonize the prairies.

Okay. For the most part. Okay. And this is done. Even our boys? Dr. DC? No, they're in the Yukon. I'm not from here. No, the Yukon is quite not i'm not from here no the yukon is quite

the opposite isn't isn't it the prairies the northwest prairies northwest territories northwest terror prairies prairie tories prairie tories no the northwest territories is like a large okay well you're safe for now dr dc yeah hey i'm not the yukon now the yukon is sort of the the prairies of the north or now for now the yukon is sort of the prairies of the north. For now. For now, the Yukon is safe. All right. Hit me with hit me with some thoughts here. This is it.

Once again, it's one of those things where it's like you have decided one thing is the problem. And then in your explanation of what you thought is the problem, you have pointed out the real. The real problem is you are so in your own head and so like focused on a very specific thing like you are you have boiled down your persona to i'm smart and i'm just very smart and everything i do is so smart and people can't handle how smart i am. Yeah. And then like, you also go on, on things where it's like, you're like, oh, I'm, I'm in a small town. And like, you also see something like, like new style, old money or something like all your phrases, everything you said and all the ways you said it make you sound like a

giant douchebag. Yes. A hundred percent. Also, like, let me start with start with saying, I have many problems. One is that for a very smart man, one, you describe yourself as, I'm a very smart young man. It's fucking weird, bro. I don't know. Who gives a fuck? You're not in primary school. I would consider myself a fairly well-learned man. I don't think I would ever describe myself as like as like like i don't think i would be like i'm a smart guy because you don't have to because you are that's the thing i don't think you actually ever have to say it unless you aren't or you're very either obsessed or insecure about it right it's like you know so there's that secondly you say you're very smart and I don't want to pick a pick apart people's grammar

and how they word things and the writing abilities. I'm very smart, young man. I'm a very smart young man. You know what I mean? Like you fuck up constantly. It's just outside the gate, like right out the gate. Right? Yeah.

Like it's almost like a joke. How do I change this? Well, like, is your phone just a nightmare because also smart people edit anyway that's just an aside yes it's very clear that your obsession with like like we've seen this before and it's a very particular like genre of boy where you're like i'm so smart people just aren't on my level because of how smart I am. I like to talk about smart topics such as these, and I talk respectfully. And it's like, this just makes me think that you're arrogant,

condescending, and probably insufferable. And probably wrong. Yes. Or like, just because someone doesn't want to sit down and talk fucking economics with you doesn't mean they're not smart. It means you're at a party and there are better things to do such as actually getting laid yeah like it's there's there's a number of things and like the the thing where you're just like oh sometimes i like to wear my my shorts with my jordans yeah

like it's like you've you've painted these pictures of like this is a look this is like when i get dressed in the morning i'm like where are the jeans that i want to wear every day because they're comfortable yeah and what clean shirt do i have like very rarely do i think of putting together an outfit and there's nothing wrong with putting like no i understand other people have priorities and really do like but i feel like this man has them in the wrong way in that like if you were like hey now what do you wear to like pick up or whatever i'd be like a nice shirt with some nice trousers but it's also like you know i don't know where am i exactly doing the day before but because we we had gone to places like the

underground which was i'm sure we've mentioned it before nile and i's old like bar stomping ground it is where we sort of like learned our like inspired a lot of this podcast of like seeing what worked, what didn't work, what, or just like mainly seeing people being gigantic creeps and being like, Nope. Um, and like,

there were definitely days where like we had big active days. Like we would spend most of the day in the park playing fucking football or soccer or something. And then just be like, oops, now we're transitioning into night and we're still wearing our fucking shorts. We're still wearing our fucking shorts. We're still wearing our T-shirt.

Yeah. And we have the exact same amount of success. For sure. As as. So it's like I the the fixation on like clothing. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

It's like the fucking how I met how I met your mother scene where Barney like, where's the fucking garbage bag? It's like it doesn't matter what you fucking put on. It doesn't matter. It's if you're a weirdo, if you're an insufferable douchebag, you could be dressed in. No clothes is going to hide that. Yeah. You can be dressed in anything and it doesn't fucking matter. You can look like a dirt bag.

You can look like a fucking, you know, runway model. It doesn't fucking matter if you're, you know. It can help for sure but it can help in the way where like if you're wearing clothes that fit you well are clean and you're comfortable in boom great it that doesn't mean oh you have to have jordans if someone cares whether you're wearing jordans or not they probably suck and good for you i guess and again you're not you're not like the smart like you're not looking for connections yeah if the fact if you think that your jordans are going to you know sway it one way or another it's all so like interconnected of being like you have a very

specific worldview of like this is how it works and and like let's like i i want to put the fucking you know the feminism thing where it's like like is that a good thing are you saying that like you know what i mean it's like i don't think he is yeah yeah there's like there's so many like like red flags here like him being like women of my generation yeah mentioning old like there's so much even when he's like i hate when people say i'm nice it's like you've got so much like this is the perfect seduction boy you know i mean he's about to be converted into like a youtube channel where he goes to eat and center and harasses people uh also at no point is someone

saying oh i'm not dating you because you look smart yeah so it's like you say oh i have this personality people don't like how do i not look smart and it's like you say, Oh, I have this personality. People don't like, how do I not look smart? And it's like, what are you talking about, dude? Yeah. It's not a teen fucking movie from the nineties where we're going to take your glasses off.

And all of a sudden you're gonna be hot. Maybe though. Maybe. You lose the sweater vest and the fucking glasses. And all of a sudden you're, if you're wearing a sweater vest, the problem is off though. I've seen some boys rock a sweater.

Oh, a hundred percent. I couldn't, but some boys can. And that's fine. If this was a some boys rock a sweater vest. Oh, 100%. I couldn't, but some boys can and that's fine. If this was a woman, it would be easy. However,

the thing, like what you need to do in order for this to work for a man, you have to grow your hair out so you can take a ponytail out. But it's the opposite then. I think it's like

you see him and he's kind of like skater boy and you're like, oh, whatever. Then he puts up in this sexy man bun and you're like,

is that it? Is that the reverse? Yeah, it is. And you put your glasses on. That's the thing. Glasses are in. They're hot. I now just got glasses.

I did. And I couldn't be more jealous. What? You know what? You're the only person I've worn them in front of. Really? Yeah. Didn't you wear them at karaoke that one night?

No. You should. You look great in them. I don't know. I can't do another hour talking about our insecurities. yeah didn't you wear them at karaoke that one night no you should you look great in them no i like i i can't do another hour talking about our insecurities i've always wanted glasses that's why i wear my fucking blue light when i like when i'm working and stuff it's like they're functional but it's like there are times where i'm just like i'm gonna keep wearing these i'm gonna yeah i will say i'm getting used to them when i first got them i was like ah for many reasons mainly because apparently i'm fucking blind as shit and these guys guys are strong. They're like binoculars, which is also weird because I really don't feel like my eyes aren't good.

Like there are specific occasions. Anyway, just, dude, you sound like a bit of a dick. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't want to come for you like this. You sound like a bit of a dick. Chill. You don't have to. I think you're going out there trying to prove to people how smart you are if you're smart you don't need to do that and like and also

no one gives a fuck how smart you are really and it's the way it's like you carry any sort of high like like quality of yourself right it's like we've all seen those those terrible cringy youtube videos or the tiktok videos of like a rich person and a real rich person where it's like the the one person is like the rich person is like talking about how much money they have and the rich person doesn't or or like any sort of thing right i will say that's kind of true though you know if someone starts talking about how rich they are like in a bar i'm gonna get zero percent i know the second yes the second you start talking about how much money you make and you've got your fancy fucking like black Amex card,

I know I'm getting 10%. Yeah. Oh, at best. The quiet, you know, middle-aged dude who's sitting there drinking his like, you know, Bud Light and fucking chicken wings, who's minding his own business and asked me very politely if I could put a certain sports game on. That's the dude who's going to tip me like fucking 35%.

And then gets off in his flying yacht and goes off into this. And you're like, shit, it was Bill Gates. Yeah. Yeah. Just take a step back. You don't need to prove this to people. You know what I mean? And the best way to, like, I don't know how to help.

If you're smart, you're smart. Yeah. If you're hot, you're hot. If you're wealthy, you're wealthy. You don't need to project these things. Let's put it this way. I'm sure if this guy was at a party and this strong guy came in and was like, hey, hey, look, and he walked over and he lifted up the table and then he went over and he like

lifted up the microwave and he was like, grabs a girl, just starts lifting her. And they'd be like, get the fuck off me. And like, he'd be like, guys, I'm so muscly. I'm so buff. People don't like me. Like, what's going on yeah that's what you're doing yeah so if you saw this guy you'd be like this meathead you know you'd be you'd be so annoyed yeah you're doing that but with your brain muscles it's true yeah

i mean like yeah if i walked into a party and start kickflip action i'd be fucking cool yeah it'd be pretty awesome if i was just like hey have you listened to my podcast oh no that's what i do oh no yeah so just like chill if you have a cool attribute let it shine through naturally you don't need to fucking blast it out there all that does is it shows you how insecure you are and that you've hung your entire persona and personality and self-worth on this one thing that might not even be true. Again, you might love talking about philosophy. You might love talking about religion. You might love talking about politics.

I've had conversation about all three of those things with people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. So it's like, yeah, sure, you might like talking about it. But if you're also dumb and misinformed, then you're not smart and you're not showing that you're smart to anyone. Also, like, yes, you could just have the worst takes to like, I don't fucking know. Also, a lot of like smart guys who love to talk about religion like to have hot takes or like shut people down or play devil's advocate, all of which are kind of super toxic. Yeah. So just be you and like step away from the things that don't

matter which is the specific outfit you're wearing wear clothes you like wear clothes that are comfortable wear clothes that look good and fit and are clean that's great don't be like i have to wear my jordans i have to wear this specific my half zip hoodie yeah like you're you're micro focusing or hyper focusing on like these tiny things that do not matter take a breath relax i can only imagine you are wound as tight as a fucking spring 24 7 and just like waiting for your your chance to drop some like asinine fact about whatever like you're probably sitting at a bar and it's like the second someone's like oh my god god i have a hot day did you know jesus did you know that God is a woman?

That would be a cool one to drop. That'd be a cool hot take. One, if you sang it exactly like my girl. And two, it's pretty feminist of you for Manitoba. Yeah. This is the Night Owls. Not sure if I should send likes yet. No.

I'm on two dating apps. Seriously. And there are people that I find attractive. Whoa. And want to talk to them. Okay. Jesus. Hold on. Sorry. Keep, Jesus, hold on.

Sorry, keep going. I'm ready. But I have thoughts that come up that make me think I'm not ready to, but part of me is tired of being alone. Damn. You know what? Maybe don't send the likes. You don't sound like you're ready.

This is, yes. Like if you are having an existential crisis over the most mundane thing, that's like saying, I want to like say thanks to the bus driver when i leave yeah what's what's gonna happen it's expected in fact it should you should do it maybe not as much over here you people are fucking rude but so are our bus drivers you think dublin bus drivers aren't they were lovely everyone yeah because you're with me

and everyone knows me uh it like yes it's like being like hey you know what i've never had i've never had buffalo wings i'm gonna download uber eats and then you just sit there staring at like should i order it yeah the app is for liking people and it's it's that is the bulk of what you do yeah and any it's it's much like the conversation earlier where it's like if you say hey had a really good night last night that was super fun i want to see you again if someone's weirded out by that they're fucking weird and something's going on here if someone's weirded out because they got a like from you on a dating app unless they're like your sister or something yes you're fucking safe you're good it's their issue yeah and look you don't even

need to do anything if they like you back you can still freeze and throw your phone in the toilet and run away right like that's the thing is like what happens if they like you back if you're having fucking existential spirals because of just opening an app and being like sure what happens when they when you get a match like are you gonna feel the same way like because it's there's enough people wasting everyone's time on dating apps don't add to the cause so figure out what these again you so vague with your like i have thoughts that i shouldn't do it. Sure. And much like the guy with the relationship, like the commitment issue earlier. Think about what are you risking here? Yeah.

They're not going to be like, ew, a like from Gregory. Again, unless they're your sister, bud. Don't like her on Tinder. Yeah. If you come across your sister, don't like her. Yeah. Or your mom or your granny. A close aunt yeah just you're good dude it's what's gonna go wrong you just take a breath i think we're all stressed

too yeah i think we're all i'm getting stressed now we're all sort of wound up relax there's too many dishwashers this apartment for me to be calm it's true you open up your app and the whole point of the app is to send a like or say no yeah that is what that's it literally only two the millions of other people are doing the exact same thing on your end they're saying yes they're saying no yeah just do it and they're not even probably going to know you said yes unless they also said yes. In which case, it's fine. It's good. You're in the best situation then.

Yeah. You've both said yes. Yeah. And you've said nothing to each other. It's wonderful. You're good. Relax. It's okay.

Now, do you want me to hit you with one? I got kind of a long one. I got kind of a short one. Or, but I do also have very long bad sex writing. Okay, let's, you know, here, let's do, I have a very quick one i have a very very quick one i keep opening up pictures of brown recluse spiders on my phone uh someone posted an instagram story and they were like my toddler loves this i was like i'm like 90 sure that's a brown recluse and maybe you shouldn't let your toddler play with it this is from tizona blue How to get more endurance while on top.

I'm not talking about climaxing, which isn't a problem. I'm talking about stamina for pump action. I feel like I get tired after five minutes or so and need to switch positions or relax for a little bit. I have to preface this by saying I am fit around 21 BMI. I strengthen daily, so I'm not sure why I get tired so easily. BMI has no bearing on this and is in fact bullshit so let's let's get that out of the way two strength training is not cardio yeah bro have

you done cardio are you skipping cardio bro yeah three strength training is like the meme is you skip leg day and guess what those beefy arms of yours aren't much use so yeah in that position so yeah unless are you are you doing legs and one of the prime reasons men aren't often great at sex is because they have no flexibility no like hip mobility no fucking leg no core strength exactly so you listed all these things and all you've done is prove, you know, nothing about what's needed in the arena of the bedroom in the, the, the rectangle octagon, the rectangle it on.

Yeah. Like think about what like missionary it's practically a plank. Like if you're, if you're a horizontal, like you can obviously sit up on your knees or whatever, but going back to nile's point if you're if you're kneeling that's hip flexibility that's leg and hamstring flexibility it's why i don't really do it that much because my legs are fucked i prefer to have the most flexible

fucking legs i can fuck you from any position i've got good hips my hips are okay but my whole my clothes and hammies, so tight. Everything down here, I can basically do the splits. I prefer. Also, are you just pounding away? Like if you're just jackhammering, yeah, no one could do that for, like I don't think I could do it for five minutes. I wouldn't want to.

No, you wouldn't want to. Like find a rhythm. Speed isn't the only way to success. Like you can. It's but a tool in your arsenal. Yes. But one muscle in your musculature. It's what you do when she says, don't stop.

That's perfect. Yes. You then that's when you kick it into high gear and change it up completely. Yeah. And then come just too soon for her. And you roll over and say, that was great, babe. I called you an Uber. Yeah.

Good plus. Good plus. Remember that scene in that show that Adam driver was in and he was just like, no, for pus. Good. Puss.

I have no idea what you're talking about. There's a scene. I think it's from girls where he's like eating soup and he's just good. Good soup. Okay. Yeah. Fair. Which apparently was an improvised line.

What a genius. What a genius. Wow. How did he come up with that? I don't know, man. man we're gonna be talking about it for years um it's like the i'm walking here so yeah like cardio if you're if you're like running out of breath cardio if you're getting winded cardiovascular health for sure if you can't maintain positions because your legs are like you can't get in positions or if you do it's uncomfortable stretch if it's a

like a muscle issue if like you cannot maintain thrusting core strength yeah and all three should be utilized figure out like think about the positions you're in are you doing anything while you're working out with those positions are you you know what i mean like are you stretching your hips out are you stretching your quads and your hamstrings? Are you doing planks? Like, you want to fucking get good at missionary? Crush a plank position. That's pretty much what you're in.

If you're like, if you're doing that, you're good. Like, if you, I'm just imagining like just a full actual plank, like you're up on your toes, your ramrod straight, you're on your thing. You're just like, because that would be so bad for everyone. It wouldn't be great. So don't take Dane too literally here, please. But you know, you know what it takes. You've got to know your bulging biceps don't help in this situation.

Yeah. Unless she heard the only way she can come is if you bench press her, like then she's on top. Yeah, that's true. You're like, think he's fine with that. Yeah. Lift her up and because he's so buff and that's great that's great i can't do that i love that for you but you got to do cardio get on the treadmill at the end of your workout

i'm sorry bud but you cannot skip leg day yeah maybe you've gone too hard on leg day because that's apparently a thing as well very muscular men also have no range of motion Yes That's why the dead bod reigns supreme We did it That's going to do it for this episode friends Thank you very much for joining us this week It's been an absolute pleasure

I've really enjoyed this We're back in the closet again This is nice I've missed this energy The online recording was fine It was convenient But now Nell and I are neighbors Yeah

It's wild And now I just pop by And harass Dane Yeah And I'm in his closet 24 sets You know what Fuck Tinder's this week

I'm just gonna do this Really long bad sex ride Okay let me get comfy then I'm sorry for this Audio nightmare This chair is Because it's It's probably gonna make

Lots of noise While you do that I'll thank Josh Eagle eagle and the harvest cities for their song paper stars which is as some may or may not know our theme song uh come to our fucking show go to our patreon support us love you uh so this is long we're gonna have a little talk about maybe this is by i won't read out their name because like, I don't think they realize what they're doing. It's not a seduction. It's not a whatever.

This is from our writing. I'm thinking about writing a book about knights, saving a queen, but it's not what you think. I've noticed the virginity rate for men is at an all-time high and no one is talking about it. Whenever I talk about it, people just call me an incel and ignore the problem. It's a big issue. And it's sad so many people ignore the problems and sadness of so many young men. I thought making a book about this issue can cause some good, so people can relate to it. It's about a group of young men, mostly teens, in a village

in the Middle Ages. The king says the queen has been kidnapped by an evil wizard, and says to the men that if they save the queen, she will take their virginity and be in the royal family, and so many of them, mostly in groups, to work together to go find the base go. But they do it because losing your virginity to them is honor. It's the highlight of your life. If you don't lose it, then what are you? You have to lose it. Having sex is the ultimate form of communication to these young men. You're truly one with the other human being, and in oneness is true peace. With mating, you have no more fears. It is eternal love. No more shame. No more fear. No more worry. It's just pure love on all levels. Who are you if you don't achieve this greatness?

Traveling through the woods, fighting wild animals, and breaking into the base of a crazy wizard is worth it to finally lose your past self and embrace a new one. Yet during the final battle in this base, one of the young men sees something mysterious. It's the fruit from the Garden of Eden. The crazy wizard somehow found it. The young knight wonders what would happen if he ate it his friend comes to him and sees the same fruit his friend says don't worry about it go to the princess and finally get your reward well hold on it's a princess or a queen get over it yet the young knight is confused here is the lost fruit for the origins of mankind of every religion made by god and now he has the opportunity to take a bite of it his friend thinks he's crazy and now is the chance to finally lose their virginity and be a

part of the royal bloodline and be within inner peace. The young knight thinks to himself and goes towards the fruit and takes a bite out of it. At that moment, his eyes start to glow. Everything around him goes foggy. Suddenly he sees time from the very start happen. From the beginning of all animals, man, every country, then soon seeing the future with technology and smartphones. Then bam, he's back in the present. Shaking with his hand on the fruit. His eyes still glowing. Shaking.

Worrying about what he just saw. That's what I've thought of so far. What do you guys think? I mean, you kind of lost the plot at the end there a little bit. A little Assassin's Creed 3 at the end there. I love that he's like, once you have sex, everything makes sense. Everything is good. I was like, no past self.

Hey, I got bad news for you, bro. People having sex have more problems now. There's insecurities. There's like, what do you think happens after sex? It's like you have sex with one person once, and then it's just like, we did it. Credits roll. Everyone's happy. I don't know why I sang that.

I just felt like it conveyed what I feel like he thinks happens. Even just like, I love it. People call me an incel, and that's like, sex is a reward for men from women, and it's the only thing that matters, and everyone should have it. Yeah. Huh? And it fixes everything, and it gets rid of my old self, and I can be a new person. It's like, one dude.

And the king is fully capable of making the promise that the princess slash queen will have sex with them without their consent. It's like, hey, what? Yeah, and a bunch of boys will just be like, hell yeah. I'm going to fuck this woman i don't know yeah i'll fuck her for saving her without her consent just because a king said i could yeah i look you know what's really gonna happen if this if this adventure went the way it would like i think organically these boys would fuck each other these boys would be fucking hand jobbing each other well the best is in the in the like

comments like as it devolves everyone is obviously like what the fuck are you doing bud everyone's like this is a super creepy weird bad story and he's like no it's not like yeah dude like you're like oh people call me an incel and then you post weird creepy incel shit and he's like it's fantasy it's not supposed to be real and everyone's like, what about the princess or the queen's perspective? And he's like, don't think about them. If you think about them, the story is totally different. And everyone's like, yeah. He's like, no, but they don't exist in this.

It's fine. It's just about the boys. And everyone's like, yeah. He's like, oh, no, it's fantasy. Don't you get it? But he's like, oh, at the end, only one man is allowed to fuck her. But then him and his friend make a deal to fuck her together at the same time. I'm like, you just take the princess out of it and you can fuck this friend.

It'll be a lot better. I mean, that's the thing. It's like this guy being like, don't eat the truth, Apple. Please. It, yeah. I mean, like, I do get strong homoerotic undertones under this. Man, you should have seen the first fantasy books I wrote. They were all about, like, young topless men playing in the water together it was

sometimes i wonder i read them all to my partner she was like it's happening again i'm like i know i'm reading it i wrote this like 20 years ago why is it so homoerotic but you know what it rocks that's all it matters there ain't nothing wrong with some some sweaty boys some homoerotic we have the beach volleyball scene from top gun and that's one of our greatest artistic achievements all the best scenes from the podcast are super homoerotic not this one no quest also this one i mean also maybe this one uh i love one comment when the queen saves and random strangers say, your husband promised we could bang you.

I'm going to watch you and my friend first, then I'll have a turn because that's what best friends do. Is she going to say, cool, sounds legit? Or are you going to light a few candles, put on a good few sheets, blah, blah, blah. Someone's like, one of the knights is going to pull out a loot and start playing Seabat. Oh, Seabat. You'll live on forever. Speaking of our greatest artistic achievements.

Yeah. I don't like it. Hey, look, it's got potential for a like gay coming of age. Literally. Boys learning to love boys. To men. Yeah. To boys.

Like in men. If they're just like nah fuck this whole quest let's just stay in the woods fighting animals and fucking each other honestly that would be a hit that you've got a bestseller yeah but yes you can't you can't be complaining about incel being called an incel and then proceed to whip out the most incel shit ever yeah yeah and but like this is why we have this problem. A lot of people don't see the problem, even if they are speaking directly to the problem. Yeah. And like, look, I'm going to take a step away from fun ribbing you because I know it's probably the worst way to get someone like this on our side is to fucking mock them.

I get where you're coming from. You're frustrated, right? But you have to realize that sex isn't owed to you. Sex isn't a thing. Women are just, they're not sex objects. They're not just a sex dispensary for you. And like you getting more frustrated by the day that these women haven't given you what you are owed, which is sex. That's not life.

That's not it. And also that sex isn't a solution to it's a solution to i would say absolutely nothing yeah like get on the sex subreddit and see all of the problems that sex has caused not this podcast yes not that sex is bad not that there isn't beauty in sex not that there isn't pleasure in sex it's unreal it's incredible it's a thing with humans and all things with humans are absolute mess yeah it's not a solution a lot of people think like if i just had sex i would be x i could be y i could be whatever and it's like everything would be okay if i just have sex then you have sex and then you get ghosted and then you then what yeah or you have sex and it's bad you get an sci or you get someone pregnant or it's not great or you finish too fast or you don't get erect or like the sex is not a

prize to be won it is another level of a relationship that is that poses its own new unique challenges and and it literally it literally just adds problems to your life yeah you know not that it's bad again. It's great. We're not here to trash talk sex, but yes, the second you, you sprinkle sex on top of,

you're just opening a door and opening that door. Fucking rules, man. But behind that door are a bunch of new problems. You've never met. And you're like, Hey, get in here.

A whole new set of doors that you don't have the key for yet. And none of that's a bad thing, but it definitely 100% is not just like, well, life's good now. Look at anybody. Look at any teen drama. They have sex and the show just gets more complicated. It's true. Buffy gave a vampire or took a vampire soul away. Exactly.

That could happen to you. Do you want your soul snatched? By a snatch good puss my name is Dave Miller and my name is Niles Bain we've been your fuck buddy it's true you