F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 293 - Intimate Evenings: Pitbull Sound Bath (Live @ The Black Sheep)

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Dain was away all last week, so here's our live show from last month! Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either online, roaming the internet, or from our wonderful listeners such as yourselves here tonight. You'll notice some piece of paper on the table in front of you. We are going to have three, like, 30-minute sets. So in the two breaks, we will not only come around and say hello, we will pick up the papers if front of you. We are going to have three 30-minute sets. So in the two breaks, we will not only come around and say hello, we will pick up the papers if you got them. So if you have any questions, write them down. They'll be as anonymous as you want to be. And on top of that, you'll see a little QR code there. If you scan that, it'll go to our social media. If you take a picture, share it, tag us, tag Black Sheep, you'll be entered into a

competition to win some shots for your table. Yeah. So please do that. Even if you don't want shots, we would appreciate the little share. Also, if you are feeling particularly frisky, you can send in a screenshot of the text of your dating profile,

and we will do a review, a critique, an audit. Yeah, we'll audit it for you. We don't need your pictures because we don't really want to delve into those. But if you got a particularly important picture, like that guy on a horse we got once, please send it in. Yes, if you have a really wild picture

that your profile hinges on, send it in because we'd like to see it. Two of the top ones we've ever seen have both been men on horses. Both. One topless, one completely nude. So if you have you in a state of undress on a horse. Now, I don't know. Maybe don't.

I don't know. I was going to say, I don't know if we can solicit our audience for nudes immediately. Yeah. Maybe second act. We'll wait till second act. Once you guys get a couple drinks off Mel, then we will talk about it. Yeah. Once you win those free shots for the table, then we'll see. And then we'll try to convince you to send us naked pictures of you.

Are you ready for a question? Yeah, I'd love one. Are you guys ready for a question? Okay, I'll take it. This is by ThrowRA Elisa X. I, 25-year-old female, have face blindness. My boyfriend, 24-year-old male, likes to test me. How do I make it clear this is not okay? Hey, sorry for posting this. If it's

not okay, I can delete it. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I love him dearly and he loves me too, I'm guessing. But there's one thing that's causing a lot of issues for us. I suffer from prosopagnosia slash face blindness, which means it's really hard for me to recognize people's faces. I usually go by other characteristics to put a name to a person, like hairstyle, facial hair, marks, skin colors, accessories, etc. But it's still really tough. It's caused me severe anxiety and other mental health struggles. I'm lucky to have wonderful people around me, though, who are aware and try to help. They introduce themselves when we start talking, wear something they know I've linked to them, or whatever. Usually my boyfriend does this too,

but sometimes he likes to test me and it's incredibly stressful. He shaved his beard once, a few times he wore completely different styles of clothing, or changed his hairstyle, all without warning me. In those moments, he won't tell me who he is or say someone else's name just to see if I'll figure out a Tim. He'll make jokes saying he'll try to switch with one of his friends and see if I stay loyal. I usually do realize a Tim, but it causes me a lot of anxiety. We've had big fights on this. He says he's allowed to change his look.

I'm not a cartoon character. I ask him to warn me. I would argue currently right now, sir, you are. Don't get me wrong. He cares about me, but I don't think that he gets how stressful it is. How do I make this clear? Brackets. We have a lot of great times together. There's just this bump. This is, yeah, someone was like, wow. Yeah, yeah, that's correct. I think you have a very good opportunity. And I don't usually suggest retribution or revenge

you kind of do though I do actually a lot quite frequently Donna yeah well I'm gonna do it again okay we've all seen that episode of the office where Jim switches place and like photos with Dwight

no what's his name Kim Park Park something Park no is it that one I trust them yeah the guy who played

King Jung Un in okay the movie I have no idea which episode you were talking about there's an episode

where Jim replaces himself with an Asian actor and then he's like no this was always me, and they look at the picture, and it's all replaced. You do this.

You deep fake yourself. You find a friend who looks nothing like you, doesn't have anything to do with you, any similarities, or hire an actor to be like, you need to convince my boyfriend. You need to gaslight my boyfriend into thinking that you are me are me okay right because he's essentially doing that to her yeah i'm thinking something different i'm thinking he comes up really as as eloquently as i just laid that plan yeah yeah i'm thinking he comes up to you and he is in his you know and this is fine this doesn't it doesn't matter who comes up to you because you're not going to be able to tell, right?

If you don't know who somebody is immediately. Sorry, it's Randall Park. It is Randall Park. Yes, that's it. We got there. You fucking lied to us? Wow. Wow.

When someone comes up to you that you don't know, it's probably a pretty safe bet at this point to guess it's your fucking boyfriend because everyone else is chill. So when he comes up and he's like who am i you guess he's someone else and before he gets to be like ha or whatever you say thank god you're here i need to talk about my fucking boyfriend and you'd be like he doesn't realize how stressful this is to me he's being such an asshole i think i might break up with him and then you get to be really honest and if he's upset you'd be like well shit i didn't know it was you sorry and you could also be like you do do all

those things though you're literally doing it right now exactly it's kind of like when you're like oh no i sent you a fake text wink but you really wanted them to get the message that's that but in person and it's a really good retribution. That's what I said. That's my toxic advice for this. Yes. I love it. I think it's great for us. Or honestly, I do like your one.

Find someone, and it's gonna be really hard to find someone who looks like you because you do have face blindness. You don't get someone who looks like you. No, I think it would be really good if they did, though. Like someone that actually fooled him into coming up

and doing all this shit, and then if he tries to pull the, really, you don't know it's me? You could be like, you were talking to this person, famed character actress, my lookalike. Yeah, I really was hoping you were going to pull a name out. There is that one they always reference in BoJack, but I couldn't remember.

This time I know you're not lying, so thank you. Redemption, you've come back around. We like you. You're not going to get kicked out. I was going to make so many jokes at your expense for the rest of this thing, and now I'm just going to look at you every now and then and nod. Yeah, and just look for reassurance. The weird sound isn't us.

That's not us. The speakers just rebel when we're not playing Pitbull. It's true. I do think we've solved it. i just tell him he fucking sucks be like yo this isn't a joke this isn't me doing whatever like you're fucking around with a illness that i have or a condition that i have yeah it sucks i don't like it if you were a good partner you would be cognizant of that it would be like if this dude was lactose intolerant and you were just slipping milk into his fucking like every meal you're just like oh i just wanted to see if you'd shit your pants yeah like it sucks it's exactly that um now is

he lactose intolerant maybe we've got more retribution yeah um or you can like like just phrase it i i find that giving examples tends to really help. And I think an example of being like, if you know, every week I sent a fake text pretending I was like booty calling a person and being like, oops, I sent that by accident. It,

it doesn't mean anything, but it's annoying and shitty to do to someone. Yeah. Right. And it's like, would you be okay if every week i pretended to like sext a stranger and then be like oops sorry that was meant for your brother like it would be you're just like okay this sure you got me again i guess yeah and like i i don't think anyone who is capable of empathy or logical thought would be like, okay, I see what you're doing here and I will hopefully stop. And if they don't stop sort of manipulating your condition, then you can just be like,

hey, you don't care about me. Because it always blows my mind when people like have that that sort of knee-jerk defense of being like oh he loves me though yeah my partner constantly causes me to be incredibly anxious and stressed and feeling terrible about myself but he does love me especially when like she starts by being like he loves me i'm guessing it's like well know. Yeah. If you have to clarify whether or not your partner cares about you by being like, I think, then perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship. And I think that's what you need to do in this case. Be like, hey, if you don't stop doing this, I can't continue to date you.

Yeah. Just be like, hey, what the fuck are you trying to prove? Be like, do you not believe me? Because if you don't trust me, we can't date. Yeah. trying to prove be like do you not believe me because if you don't trust me we can't date yeah if there's something else if you just think it's funny to fucking prey on my like disorder also fuck you also bad like there's no good way but just like set up be like hey what do you what are you doing what are you trying to prove and he won't have an answer and if he does it's probably really shitty it's gonna be really bad and that's when you say, I'm out. Bye.

And the nice thing is, it doesn't even matter if you run into him in public because you won't know it's him. That's the best thing. If you guys break up, no awkwardness. There's literally no concern being like, but we run in the same social circles. It doesn't matter. This is a question that got sent in.

You know that would be the one time he does start wearing the same thing? Yeah. What a dick question that got sent in. You know that would be the one time he does start wearing the same thing? Yeah. What a dick. I hate this guy. Fuck this guy. This question got sent in last show, but we didn't have time to do it, or maybe even the show before.

So I'm doing it now. Okay. And you can't stop me. I don't have a name for this. I'm going to call this. No, I don't know. Were you looking at our business card trying to come up with yeah i was agent fuck buddies it is and it wasn't working um i've been hooking up with a chick for over four months now however i'm not sure what to do right now we've been casual and mostly just sex we've done a few out-of-bedroom dates, but for the most part, it's just booty calls. The sex is really good.

How many O's? Six? Seven? Damn. There is a typo here, so I'm not really sure what they're trying to say. Oh, they goof around a lot during sex. Joke, laugh, and it's a really fun time. But last time I saw her, she got really mad at me.

She told me that she's not going to keep seeing me if I keep making dumb faces at her the whole time we're fucking, especially right when I come. Problem is, I'm not. I guess that's just my face. How can I fix my O-face? Oh, no.

Well, last time we had sex gloves. This time, maybe sex mask. Yeah. You know, like a little dramatis personae mask, you know, the Greek theater masks you get to pick. Are you going to be happy fucking this time? Are you going to be sad fucking? Maybe angry, you know?

Maybe just a blank one and give her a pen. She could draw the expression on for you. Yeah. You know? She can really decide what she wants. Exactly. Oh, do you want me to be aggressive? Yeah, yeah.

Right? A little angry eye brows on you? And like if too much, she just... Yeah. Did you tell her that's... I need to know. Did you tell her

that you weren't putting faces on? I also may need to see your orgasm face. I'm sorry. I need to know, like, what are you pulling out? I mean, the simple solution in this case. Doggy. Doggy style. Yeah.

Right? Just don't be facing them when you come. Now, that does, I guess, pose a little bit of a problem for intimacy issues if you want to be in certain positions. But it does also say during as well. Or just every time you're about to come, you say, what was that? And you look around. It's going to be real creepy after a while.

They're going to think their place is haunted. For sure. But, you know, damn, I need to see that face, though. I would love to know the face. Because none of them are great i assume i assume mine's not great oh oh faces yeah yeah no just faces in general i don't know i i look at them and it's just a blank smear yeah do i face blindness uh-huh i think you do man oh my god we just found this person the perfect partner oh shit she can't see your weird-ass faces. Yeah.

Well, I don't know if that's how it works. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I think they can't remember faces. She won't know it's you doing the weird-ass faces. Yeah. Look, this is one of those fun conversations. If she's cool joking around and goofing around in bed, I think you just-

It's pretty hypocritical to be like, I can goof, but no, you can't. Or even like, this is the goof where I draw the line. Unfortunately, it's not a goof.

It is your face. Yeah. I think at that point in time, you just kind of have to like, you're casual, you're fun. There's no, really no stakes of being like,

look, this kind of sucks to say, but like, I'm not making faces at you when we fuck. I think that's just kind of being like look this kind of sucks to say but like i'm not making faces at you when we fuck i think that's just kind of how i look yeah and hopefully she will find it a funny and be apologetic right because like yeah because i think there is a difference if you think someone is fucking with you versus if you just know that that's their face that's just what they do that's just what they look like yeah yeah have you ever hooked up with someone that's their face. That's just what they do. That's just what they look like. Yeah.

Yeah. Have you ever hooked up with someone that's had a strange O face? Not to a degree that is popping out of me right now. So no. What about you? Oh no. Yeah. What'd they do?

It's, it was, it's like, it was, it got to the point where like, it took me a while to get desensitized to it because a lot of the time it was, it looked pained. And I, you know what mean you had to kind of be like are you okay

like are you doing all right um and it was just like well now i gotta get back on the fucking hill and start climbing again stop asking me um so it took a while for me to like kind of get over that but like you know it's that sort of knee-jerk gut feeling of being like oh i gotta check in with you right now like something isn't okay and that's just what you want when you're about to come as someone thinking you're in danger yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah uh so yes i have to converse they seem cool they seem cool up until this right very specific moment of them not being cool but like i gotta gotta see that face though i would love to see the face because it's hard to give advice if your face is just wild like maybe i'm like i get it i get why she thinks you're fucking with her yeah but also it can't be that bad if it's been how

long that's the thing like you guys have been hooking up for four months or something like that like it's obviously like obviously the sex is better than the quality of your face. Right? Can we get that in the fucking T-shirt? I think in terms of math, I think that's pretty good. The math checks out. The math checks out. Yeah. So I think you just kind of have to be like, look.

That's my face. It's either this dick or this face. Wait, no. Yes? It's either this dick and this face. Yes. It's a package deal. Yeah. Or just Eternal Doggy style, no mirrors.? It's either this dick and this face. Yes. It's a package deal. Yeah.

Or just Eternal Doggy style, no mirrors. No mirrors. No mirrors. No reverse camera selfies. Maybe this is her transition into being, maybe she's like, this is her weird negging way to admit that she's a furry, right? Oh, she's like, you gotta put a mask on.

Hold on, I got one. And it's a giant wolf head? Yeah, it's like, oh that the face is so bad let me just see what i got in my closet and then she's like wait that looks weird you gotta put the whole suit on yeah we're gonna need the it looks weird because you're the the gray fur of the wolf mask doesn't luscious gray yeah romantic handsome fur uh maybe that's just what I'm thinking about. Yeah. I don't know. Could be happening though.

Yeah. Don't worry about it. You can't change your face. And maybe you can. Maybe you can. Maybe look deep inside yourself. And by that, I mean jerk off in front of a mirror

and see what do you do? Are you doing something bad shit? That would be. Like if you are, maybe you can take a minute and like, you know. Make some adjustments. Make some adjustments.

Make some adjustments. Yeah. What if it's all in the eyes and this could all be fixed with a pair of cool shades? So, I think it could be. What if you just got crazy fucking eyes? Is it weird that I pictured the wolf head having sunglasses on? That's exactly what I saw. Such a cool wolf, man.

I think it could also be solved one of two ways. Because I feel like you can go, the face can only do sort of two things, like contract and expand, right? So you're either going too big or you're going too small. What if one half is big and one half is small? You're just having a stroke. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's why.

What if you took stroke and it way too literally? Yeah. So I think i think now's right i think you jerk off in front of a mirror see what's happening and clean the mirror and then counteract right so if you're going too big right when you're about to come scrunch it up yeah true and if you're going too small open it up open those papers open thoseers. Open those peepers. Get everything open. Engage staring protocol. Yeah. I can't think of any other advice we could possibly give for this question. No, but I can think of a brand new game that we're going to play for the first time live here.

It's a game in three parts, one part per act. You might recognize it if you listen to another podcast, but it is guessing Pitbull lyrics because Dane likes to play Pitbull before every show. Don't fucking look at my screen. Okay, Jesus. Wow. You're going to guess.

Dane's going to guess the blank. Then we're going to open it up to the audience. If he doesn't get it, you get one chance to yell. It's going to be a nightmare. If anyone gets it. Hold on. What do you say? Everyone gets one chance to yell.

At the same time, yeah. It's going to be awful. Okay. You know me. I'm off in the cut. Always like a squirrel looking for a blank. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. God damn it. God damn it.

Hold on. Here's the thing. I think nuts too obvious. Okay. Right. That's the rhyme. That's people's all about subverting expectations. It's true. He is a wordsman. Right. So I think it's going to be like, I think he's going to be like looking for,

can you give me the line again? Don't look. I'm not looking. I just, you know me. Yeah. I'm off in the cut. Always like a squirrel looking for a blank.

It's going to be like horny middle-aged woman or something like that. I bet it's going to be something like I'm looking for a cougar. That's my answer. You know squirrels are always looking for cougars. He is. He's pulling the rug out from underneath. He is masterful. Does anyone else

want to chime in? A what? Someone says party. It is not. It is not. That was sharp. Good job. He subverted my expectations. Exactly.

The old double bluff. The double bluff. Yeah. Pipple's a fucking genius. He's a fucking genius. Okay. Let's hop in here. Let's do a little seduction.

This is by Zingers. That's it? What? I don't get any. It's one question. One per act. Damn. Do you want all three right now?

No, no. I just thought there was going to be blocks per. Nah, I only came up with this about 20 minutes ago. You can only look at so many Pitbull lyrics before you go insane. When you start. So no one saw this because no one was here. But Dane got really into like when we plug our recording shit in the music gets a little quieter and dane that was not okay so dane went through five different iterations of various

things and plugs and blah blah blah to like plug in like five different things so that the music would so pitbull would be louder that's it just louder uh and then i was like okay this boy needs some pitbull mid-show uh This is Zinger's app. Help me understand why eye contact is such a big thing. I grew up without ever thinking about how much eye contact I am maintaining. And now I'm in my mid-20s. All I can read is you should always maintain more than, for example, a girl you are on a date with. When I look someone in the eyes for anywhere less than two meters away for a couple of seconds,

I find it extremely unnatural to the point where it impacts my focus on the conversation. I can't bring myself to imagine the other person feels comfortable if I were to continue looking at them for ages. I wouldn't say my eyes are darting around like a scared bunny rabbit, but I am definitely not staring into their eyes unwaveringly for the whole date. Usually it's a mix of looking at their eyes, sometimes around their face, and also at the surroundings here and there. Should they be practicing to look directly at their eyes more? Is it a power play thing? I mean, I don't think, now this has nothing to do with the question, but I don't think bunny's eyes can dart around because they're just the black orbs, right? You can't see where they're looking. Yeah, exactly. That's the only problem with this question. All right, move on.

Look, we all have our things. It's always funny to me because I don't clock my eye contact, right? Like I don't think about how much eye contact I'm making with someone until someone talks about it. And then I'm crazy aware of – Like right now? We're making eye contact right now? Yes. And so many people are watching us make eye contact?

Yeah. So – good. So, it's like anything, right? It's when you see someone like... It's kind of like breathing. You know when you think about breathing and you're like, oh, no. Now I got to do this shit manually. Yeah.

Someone just thought about breathing right there. Oh, fuck. I knew I was forgetting something. Yeah. It's like anything. It's like when you watch someone, like if someone cracks their knuckles or something and all of a sudden you're like oh i gotta do that um it's it's weird to to start thinking about things that are natural like things that we do naturally so i think it doesn't matter how much eye contact you are or aren't giving it's how natural you are in the conversation yeah i think like some people are

naturally more nervous or avoidant or whatever and don't make enough and it's like you do come across as less confident if you never make eye contact so if you're the person that naturally makes very little eye contact you might need to like shift the dial a little bit sure but are you meant to unwaveringly stare at someone's eyes the entire date no no no don't do that it sounds like you had a pretty good level of eye contact from the brief description you gave uh it's not like a it's not a staring contest it's not it's not like a you're not a guy on the dufferin bus right you don't need to you don't need to fucking just mean mug people for 45 fucking minutes relax yeah that's the thing i think the second you start thinking about it the second you become aware of it that's when it starts getting weird because then you're like looking and you're aware

that you're looking and now you're not thinking about looking yeah and you're not listening to what they're saying anymore you're just thinking about like eye contact yeah and then let's and then when they ask you a question and you're just still staring at them you're gonna be like fuck i didn't give them enough eye contact when really it's i ignored them and did the crazy eyes that guy did when he came yeah yes um so relax deep breath be, be confident, be natural. Now they're thinking about breathing, Dan. Oh, God. Sorry. You've got this. But I do want to really stress that I think the second you try to step out of your natural cadence or your natural pro uh your natural like uh proclivity to to however

you approach a conversation the second like it's when people sort of like are are hyper aware of their posture yeah like i could get into good posture and it would be fucking weird it would and no one would be like oh look at that guy's great posture they'd be like why is he sitting like that what is he doing yeah um and it's and it's just a matter of like you get into a comfortable rhythm of things and the second you start shifting out of that that's not to say that you can't break your habits no that breaking habits for the better is a bad idea like step one is you need to know that you need to change it so if someone has said to you like hey you won't stop fucking staring at me.

Yeah, that's a good reason to look at your eye contact and dial it back. I think if you have friends that are close, like if you have close friends, I think you should reach out and be like, hey, have you ever clocked like, do I stare too much? I think that's a fair question to ask.

I think I would laugh at you, but I then would answer. Very supportive. I would answer it. I think that's how good friends work. I think you get to at you, but I then would answer. Very supportive. I would answer it. I think that's how good friends work. I think you get to mock first, help later. Mock first, ask questions later. Yeah.

Answer questions later. Yeah, yeah. Right? It's like when your friends eat shit and fall, you laugh at them. Of course. As you're checking to make sure they're okay. Yeah. Unless it's a real bad fall.

In which case, just laughter. Then you get your phone out. World star. Does world star still exist? is a real bad fall. In which case, just laughter. Then you get your phone out. World star. Does world star still exist? No, it's a very old joke, but you know what?

I got laughs. We're all old here. That will do it for our, unless you have something crazy, do you have any more Pitbull lyrics for me? Something crazy, yes. Something quick?

I don't know. Okay, well, fuck it. We get to do whatever we want. It's our show. Okay, I have three lyrics total. I can hit you with another, but then we're going to be bereft in the third act.

Now, we do have a break. Okay, let's go. I'll get more. Fuck yeah. This is going to be a quick fire round. You can't just fucking blue ball me like that with pitbull lyrics. That's all you've been thinking about. Much like eye contact, you've only been thinking about pitbull.

Okay, shut the fuck up this time until you're asked. I love you, and it was great but okay don't fucking look if anyone ruins this for me i'm going home i'm jumping out this window and you'll never see me again the bigger they are the harder they fall this biggity boys ah oh i know this lyric too now do you know before you yell out? Don't yell out yet, but do you know? Okay, repeat it. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

This biggity boy's a? I'm pretty sure he says something like biggity ball or something like that. You know what? Weirdly close. I'm going to say biggity ball. I know you just said it was close. Aaron's horny for it. You got it?

You got it? He's so ready. It's a diggity dog. Yeah. This biggity boy is a diggity dog. Love it. And then finally, and this might be my favorite. I don't know. Been around the world like a son.

I've seen more breasts than your. Oh, man. Can it please be son? Like S-O-N? That's what I'm going with. Son total? Yeah. Okay.

Anybody in the audience want to yell out? Been around the world like the son. I've seen more breasts than your newborn son. Nailed it. Nice. Nailed it. Nice. Good job, Pitbull. Now, arguably, a newborn son hopefully has only seen one set of breasts.

But often. Often, sure. Yeah. That's the thing. Maybe that's how clever he is. He's like, someone comes at him being like, you've only seen, he's like, more than one, though. More than one, though.

Gotcha. You idiot. My mom's and my wife's. Ha. Is Pitbull married? There's no way idiot. My mom's and my wife's. Ha. Is Pitbull married? There's no way a woman could tame that man. That's fair. We have to go on break now so that I can Google Pitbull and whether or not he's married.

Yeah. We love you all. Tag us. Write us the questions. And we'll see you in about 10 minutes. We're back. I hope everyone enjoyed their pitbull sound bath. Yeah, your pitbull break.

We are about to do another set of questions. Our first, we asked a question at the beginning of the show, and we got an okay response. This is an audio platform, and my fragile ego also requires this. Are you ready for another, god damn it, this is an audio platform and my fragile ego also requires this. Yeah. Um, are you ready for another? God damn it.

Are you ready for another act? Thank you. It's getting better. We love it. Uh, I'm gonna start us off with a pit bull lyric. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. This is just the show, I guess. Don't you fucking look at this goddamn screen. I'm not going to look at it. Okay. Go, okay, okay. This is just the show, I guess. Don't you fucking look at this goddamn screen. I'm not going to look at it. Okay. Go ahead, baby.

Let me see what you got. You know you got the biggest blank. Don't. Don't do it. Show you what he got. I know you got the biggest. Someone quietly contemplating to themselves cock i don't think that pitbull is complimenting a man's penis i'm gonna sadly i'm gonna wager pitbull keeps that

into his private time if at all um i know you've got the biggest ass on the block okay okay all right okay any any addendums from the audience but donka donk that's very that's really good we should get fucking pitbull on the phone say honky tonk everyone's pretty close because let me tell you right now like honky that's not out of the realm of possibility with Pitbull. Like, that very well could be the answer.

It's about to go down. Okay. This is, go ahead, baby, let me see what you got. You know you got the biggest booty in this spot. Damn.

Okay. What a world we live in that I can say booty in this spot and everyone goes, oh, and nods really, like,

sagely. Like, that was a beautiful moment and i'm just i love it uh let's see what everyone nods and says sagely to this uh i'm not gonna read the title of this question it's short i love it or no i will okay this is my character odd 6496 i had anal and now my butt feels weird what's wrong it didn't hurt and it doesn't hurt now but my butt feels different i don't like it i can't explain it this just isn't the regular hole i know and love wow okay look growing up is a series of changes, right?

The things that we thought we had are gone. Sometimes hair comes and goes. And sometimes buttholes get stretched. That's just life. That's fucking beautiful. Is that from the Bible? It is. just that's just life that's fucking beautiful is that from the bible it is correct james right after right after love is patience love is blind sometimes buttholes get stretched that's why it's so popular at weddings the only reason i know that that is people are like wow this guy's a

big bible yeah bible and pitbull who knew the only reason I know this is because it is in Wedding Crashers. Well, you know what, guys? What is Jesus if not Mr. Worldwide? Think about it. Damn. Die. Oh, also, I know you guys are fucking dying for some more pitbull trivia. I did look up whether he was married.

He is not, as I said. Okay. He cannot be torn down. I don't know why I said. Okay. He cannot be torn down. I don't know why I'm assuming that being married is tearing it down. Yeah, what the fuck? I don't know. Sorry, guys. That was my own issues that I'm working on.

This is, I like this part. Pitbull is reportedly the father of six children, although he declines to talk about them publicly. It is known that he had a daughter, Destiny. It does say had a daughter, Destiny, and a son, Bryce, with long-term girlfriend, Barbara Alba.

So, I don't know. I think it's just pretty wild to go... We don't know. He keeps his four other love children secret. Okay. I do like the idea that you... I promise I'm not one. Wink. Oh.

You have two kids and you're like, destiny. And you, Bryce. Now talk about this person's changed butthole. I already did. Okay. I think it's just a matter- Maybe give it a day. I would like to know-

Give it a day. How long post- Post butt stretching. Has this been? Are we talking like, is this the next day? And you're like, yeah, it feels a little weird. Sure, I get it. Yeah.

I say give it a week. Give it two weeks. What if they already have? What if there's no walking this back? Doctor time, baby. But it doesn't sound like there's an issue with it. It just sounds like they're sort of lamenting. They lost something, and that thing was their butt virginity. Yeah. yeah you know and it's just you're feeling the absence of your butt virginity yeah that's it you're just like oh oh sad it's look i understand like i don't know if

there's there could be like uh regret there could be. There could be like a change and or I don't want to say damage because that sounds bad. But there could be something that isn't manifesting itself in pain but is manifesting itself in discomfort. Physical discomfort? Sure. So maybe just maybe you're overthinking it much like the eye guy. Yeah. You know, when you start thinking about breathing, when you start thinking about eye contact, when you start thinking about your butthole.

Everyone's thinking about their butthole right now, and I know it. You're all thinking about your butthole right now. It's starting to tingle. Yeah. Right? And it's like when you, like. Much like that guy's face, you're scrunching it up now. You gotta scrunch it.

Is it, hey, if it's too big. If it's too big. Scrunch it up. Yeah. If it's too scrunched. Leave it that way for now. We don't want to have to clean it up after the show. I mean, you could probably relax a little bit.

A little bit. What are we doing here? I think it's your turn to ask your question. Sure. Oh, God. It's just so much Pitbull trivia. Hold on. There we go.

This is... I don't really know what we're going to do with this, but I'm going to bring it in anyway. This is from Boombaldi. My soulmate wanted things casual. I met a super cute and fun guy on R4R. I looked this up because I had no idea what this was, and all I could think of was Red Dead Redemption.

And surely that can't be it. Red 4 Redemption? Yeah. They've got access already? It's so good. They just skipped number three entirely. It's Redditor for Redditor and I guess it's like a personal ads kind of thing.

Okay. The thing is I didn't exactly approach him because of his post. I just saw that he was my age and I liked the vibe of the way he typed. However, and very- The way he typed. The way he typed.

And very importantly, he was not looking way he typed. And very importantly, he was not looking for something seriously. We clicked immediately, platonically. We were on the same wavelength in our interests and socio-political views.

He started calling me cute before I showed my face and when I did, he amped up the flirting. We liked a scary good number of the same things and had an interesting amount of coincidences.

Seeing as he apparently works scarily near where I live. I don't know why you're so freaked out by everything. I thought I could handle the fun and not get attached, but spoiler alert, I couldn't at all. His dick was

scarily good. I didn't really hurt knowing he had a friends with benefits situation set up with someone else, but it did hurt seeing him post on R4R almost every day looking for a chat looking for cuddles i was right here this made me spiral into pulling him into a discussion where uh asking if i had upset him or not whether i'd overset boundaries or not and i spilled too much of my raging self-sabotaging tendencies to a guy who was just looking for fun he eventually started giving me less attention

and i couldn't take it anymore. I begged him twice on this account and an alt to talk. Using the alt was an especially bad idea as I had used it to vent about him on three different subreddits. I feel so shitty and guilty. When we ended it, he said he wasn't mad at me at all,

but he was just scared of me. Yeah, I was acting scarily scary. But, man, people are guilting me. How, I was acting scarily scary. But man, people are guilting me. How are you? He said he wasn't mad at me at all, but did say that he didn't want me to contact him anymore and didn't have the mental

space to help deal with my issues, which he was well within his right to say. I'm just tortured over the fact that his past relationships have all started out casual, eventually just turning to something more because they kept in touch. I should have just shut up. I could have just waited. I fear he was my soulmate and I just ruined it all.

Yikes. You overdid it. On every front. In every way. Every possible way. You need to take a breath, take a step back. Maybe therapy. Probably back. Maybe therapy. Probably therapy.

Absolutely therapy. Definitely, yeah. We got an agreement here. Like, you can't do this. Also, like, he's not your soulmate. You don't know that. You barely know this person. She liked the way he typed, Niall.

Oh, I take it back. Yes. Come on. Yeah. No, you're right. Soulmate right there. You can't do that you can't just leap into everything from nothing it also sounds like they never met or ever really correctly

talked they talked a bit and then she was like you're posting but i don't know if they talked because she said that like she was just looking at his posts so i think she was just looking at his posts. Oh, true. I think she was just learning things about him, came up with these scenarios. I don't know if there was ever any actual communication between the two of them, other than her being like, I want to... Someone is waving a red flag in the audience.

That's amazing. And I agree. We should actually put that on our instagram so when we do our our last thing people can that's smart we were actually going to here we're gonna do that and we told norm at the beginning of the show and he he broke it out he's our plant it's it's our idea and he didn't come up with it yeah yeah and we will not pay you uh like you just way too much girl like even if you had talked way too much if you hadn't so much more way too much to the point where like yeah we're straight like if someone's like hey never contact me again that's a really bad sign especially when like you when you maybe

hadn't contacted them yet yes. Yes. That's like... Well, it sounded like they did contact him or tried to like... So like she saw his post. She, I guess like threw her hat in the ring, was not selected a number of times and then proceeded to spiral about that and then like offload.

How good is this man at typing? Right? Like damn. I kind of... I wish he had linked to a post so we could see what he, because if it literally is him just being like, yeah, I want to cuddle. It's just nothing but pit bull lyrics. So I want to cuddle.

If someone could cuddle me and turn my life from negative to positive. Yeah. Someone. The sound of your partner groaning in the audience. That's her no face. Yeah, you've crossed the line. And I don't know if there is even sort of like a playing field in which to draw this line. And somehow you've managed to find it.

Yeah, you've gone so far off the playing field that you just like had to make ground to then draw the line in it. You're in someone else's game and drawing your own lines. You can't do this. You can't come on this hard pretty much ever, but especially when you seem to have zero history, foundation, interactions up until that point. So please dial it back. I get catching feelings. like if you guys were if you guys met even then you need to catch feelings based on things that happen yes right and on like and they need to grow if you catch feelings and it's like oh i'm in love with you i want to marry

you and it's day one no because really there's no difference between this person if again under the assumption that like you guys really you never met etc etc um there's no difference between this person if again under the assumption that like you guys really you never met etc etc um there's no difference between you looking at this guy and being like he's my soul mate i think he's my soul mate or looking at like harry styles and being like he likes all the things that i like and he like he he's my soul mate and i'm worried i'm never and i know there are people like that yes um and i i think we we all sort of like look at when people do that with celebrities and we're like a person that person's on it but we don't sort of like i think there's less of a uh an impulse to do that to people in person like

when people meet someone at work and they're like they're my soulmate and it's like fucking relax deborah it's you've known them for like three weeks and you've never had a real conversation let alone a date yeah at which point you fall in love with this imaginary version of them because you don't fucking know them so just don't and it's so easy to especially this day and age where a lot of people feel disconnected and uh sort of removed from social interaction uh that it's easy to fall in love with an idea and it's very dangerous to do that and i think every chance you need to like when you start generating feelings and i think it's it's a good thing it's something i always do is you have to stop and be like okay cool why what what are the catalysts for me feeling this is it because i'm just really attracted to them because like that's

probably not the greatest foundation it's a good start just very lonely am i lonely is that is it yeah is it like have i how much of what i'm rebounding is it just how much of what i'm attracted to is actually there or am i I hoping for, projecting, seeing? So you have to do sort of an inventory, and if you don't, then you have to be prepared to be disappointed frequently. I also think you can't go zero to 100. You just can't. Unless you're Vin Diesel.

Yeah. In which case, seven seconds. Yeah. I got one here. Sure. I'm in which case, seven seconds. Yeah. I got one here. Sure. I'm not going to read the title. Okay. My ex-boyfriend and I, who I loved,

a part of me we'll love dearly, got separated nine years ago because he chose to say some insane things like the only thing he feels for me is lust, and that's it. There's no love. Our relationship was only six months old at that point, but I was clear on how I feel.

Still, I chose to break up because I didn't want to be with someone shallow either. I prayed to God so hard at that point to bring him back to me, but, well, didn't happen. Fast forward to March 2024. I bumped into him in a store, and we added each other on our socials. It was completely friendly, and since I was also single and not dating anyone, I didn't see anything wrong in that. We talked on and off since then, and I noticed he was acting weird a bit nervous even scared maybe i didn't bother to ask or worry about it during this time i went on a date with my guy best friend who confessed to love me since day one of our college but could never say it it was a beautiful date the best i've ever had please

check my recent post to see the kind of person he is no we went we went on two dates and safe to say i fell for him somewhere i know it's too soon to fall for someone in two dates but yeah i feel that way but then my ex called me yesterday and told me how much he has always loved me and coming across me in the store is nothing short of a miracle because he prayed every single day to god to help him find me he said he want to marry me and doesn't want to live life without me anymore. I asked him if he loved me. His answer was sure. Nah, still lust. His answer was sure. It was all lust in the beginning when we

met, but I caught him off guard and he fell in deep without realizing. He wants to seal the deal and surprisingly enough, I'm not feeling as happy as I thought I would have to have him in my life. Why is it feeling off? And this is, uh, my ex-boyfriend started talking on friendly terms after nine years and proposed yesterday.

Why is it feeling off? Why is it feeling off? I don't know. This is a thinker, because I'm not sure. This is romantic. It's great. Obviously, God got involved. So, like, why is it feeling off it's you know what

when two people pray to god really hard sometimes they get put together in a grocery store nine years later nine years later thankfully social media exists otherwise god would be like what the fuck do i do now yeah that's why he made Yeah, that's why he made it, Dane. That's why there are no happy couples in the Bible. That's true. If you don't look at Twitter and think, God made this, you're wrong. I think we can all... I see the divine in Twitter every day while I'm posting saying, please listen to my podcast.

Please. And then Musk goes, no. Yeah, don't listen to him. I'm Jesus Reborn. please and then musk goes no yeah don't listen to him i'm jesus reborn uh oh just so you know for the people who haven't listened to the show before we do believe pretty wholeheartedly that elon musk is the second second coming of christ yeah we say it every we call him emerald jesus because he was born in the mines which is kind of just a manger if you think about it. What's the difference between a shining North Star and a bunch of emeralds being held by tortured civilians?

What's the difference? We don't like Elon Musk. Wait, really? What? I just wanted to make that clear. Okay. Can you go back? I just want to make that clear. Okay. Can you go back? I just want to see the...

Well, don't look at my pit bull, Eric. It's honestly very flattering that you think I can read that fast. In general. In general. I just want to read. It was nine... Nine years. How long did they...

They dated for six months. He said, I only feel lust for you. She was like, I'm not into that. Left. Was like, that left was like please god god was like nah not for nine years and then nine years later he was like i saw you in a grocery store let's get fucking married yeah cool um the i don't think like usually i think being that sort of cavalier with people's feelings sucks especially if she was like, Hey, I love you.

And him being like, sorry, it's, it's just kind of lust at the moment. I think within a six month relationship, that is a very fair answer to be like, I don't love you. It's,

it's all very sort of like physical attraction right now. I don't think that's the worst thing to say i would just love to know did he literally say it's just lust or was he like yeah i'd like to keep things casual you know what i mean because if he said i want to keep things casual or like i don't want a relationship and she's reframing it as it's just lust that's a very different story yeah if you're just like it's just lust it's still like hey at least you're honest i guess yeah or if it was like i just kind of want to like i would like to keep like just sleeping together yeah right like if that was the case it's like yeah it's been six

months fucking chill yeah uh honestly i think maybe it could be useful if these two do get married just to pull them out of the old dating pool. Sometimes I think there is. I do think that sometimes. Sometimes you got to take them out. You got to sort of like group the weak links together and let that chain break in the corner somewhere. They're not going to harm each other if they're off harming each other they're not gonna harm other people just themselves and they want that apparently yeah like we won't hear from them for another nine years so it's fine uh don't marry someone that you haven't talked to in nine years yes or that you haven't talked to because again barely right

yeah and also it sucks you're like oh this guy amazing date i've fallen for him but then also there's a challenge a new challenger has appeared oh yeah did you go on great dates with them no i bumped into at the grocery store and he proposed but i can't decide between the best date i've ever had a close friend of mine for years who admitted feelings and i have them too and this guy in the fucking produce section who just was like, I kind of just only listed after you for a while, but now. Yeah. Now maybe God wants me to marry you.

That's not good. It's not good. It's really bad, in fact. Don't do this. Why is it feeling off? Because it's fucking insane. That's why. I don't want to say it but yeah that um before

before we get to this question i am going to do another pitbull fantastic so don't fucking look at my screen uh okay take advantage of tonight oh no wrong one oh oh shit definitely wrong one okay ready yeah look up in the sky it's's a bird. It's a plane. Nah, it's blank. Look up in the sky. I'm thinking like guy. Look up in the sky. It's a bird.

It's a plane. Nah, it's just. Oh, shit. I gave you one. Nah, it's just. Shit. The sky. Oh.

That's it. Oh. It's going the sky. Oh. That's it. Oh. It's going to be great. I'm getting some. Does anyone know? Everyone panically shaking their heads at me. Why don't we have a camera pointing this direction? Okay.

You seem confident about it. Huh? Damn. Okay. Word for word. What is it? Nah, it's just me. Not a damn thing changed.

Okay. Cool. Yeah, he's just up in the sky. He's the same. All right, we have an audience question. Also, get us your damn questions, you nerds. Yeah, you got about eight minutes till act two, at which point we will be going

around for the final time to collect questions we will also be doing the shot raffle so if you haven't posted and tagged us now's your chance now's your chance to do it um this handwriting is very nice but I can't read one of the words but I think I think I figured it out how to approach someone at

a gym you have a crush on I think it's the gym you have a crush on. I think it's... How to approach someone at the gym that you have a crush on? Yeah. All right. The gym is a tricky place. It's a nebulous place. It's a tough, scary place.

It's the same thing as work, right? Like, how do you approach a bartender or a cashier or a barista or, like, whatever? Because, like, in our opinion, generally it's a bad idea because they're kind of, they can't go anywhere. They are a captive audience and you're kind of just throwing your stuff at them. Yeah.

And there's not much they can do about it. And they're also at work. They can't be rude. They can't get away. They can't turn you down. Or there's a fear if they turn you down, there's a reprisal. Not a perprisal. Well, there kind kind of is if you're like in the service industry the reprisal is oh no tip

you don't get you know complain to a manager in which you know all these things now it's slightly different than the gym obviously because they do not work there they can be a little bit more themselves but it also like you don't want to ruin the gym for somebody because then they can't come back or you can't come back. Like, we've gotten a lot of questions where, especially off the seduction Reddit, where they're like, oh, I hit on this girl in the gym and now I'm banned from the gym because they did it wrong. So it's, I think, you have to think of things like, the gym is a place where we're sort of at our most vulnerable or like some people are at least in the sense of like you're probably not all done up you're probably sweaty you're probably gross you probably don't have your makeup done you probably don't you know what i mean like you're there unless you're like

a big jacked guy or jacked lady or jacked person and your your gym is like your domain where you feel the most comfortable in um there's there's that aspect of like when i worked out i used to box and when i would do like social things outside people like oh you're like you're really scary when you work out and it's like yeah because i'm like super focused and i'm punching things right like it's i don't i don't know what to tell you um so i think i think the danger of that is like it's a space where people are going to to zone out to do their own thing like it's it's not inherently a social yeah it's very similar to like somebody on a room with their headphones in you interrupting them as kind of you inserting yourself into a time where they're trying to just do them yeah um. But I do think if you do want to do this,

you have to treat it like how we recommend hitting on people at like a club, which is go slowly. You don't just walk up and be like, hey, I like your eyes. You want to go for a drink? Because everyone's going to be like, fuck off. You need a spotter for squats?

Yeah. I think it's never going to happen the first time you talk to them. No. Nor should you angle for that. It's a slow burn. I think best case, you talk to them no nor should you angle for that it's a slow burn i think best case you you talk randomly you like you bump into them and you're just like oh hey how's it going you introduce yourself and you build from there and it has to be it has to be a casual

and organic opportunity as well yes unfortunately you're kind of at the the mercy of god so you gotta wait nine months and then you stand in that loblaws and she'll be there um no you're kind of at the mercy of God. So you got to wait nine months and then you stand in that Loblaws and she'll be there. No, you're kind of at like the mercy of luck, right? Like, are you going to the water cooler? Yeah. Like, do you bump into each other

as you guys are leaving or like whatever? Like, it's got to be an organic thing because if you force it, it's weird. And you know, if they're listening to music or a really good weekly sex and dating advice podcast or something, you can't really just go up and be like, you know, like, take your fucking headphone. Oh, hey, just an organic meat. They're going to be like, fuck off. Leave me alone.

So, you know, there are a lot of times this isn't going to be easy or happen. And that you need to be okay with but if it does happen you make a rapport and then once they're chill with you you can start to see if you know you can start to test the waters and if they're just friendly person who's like oh other friendly person going to the gym that sucks i guess yeah i mean it could be something it's not it could be cool if you are in the gym at the same time just like i mean I mean, it got to the point, like, during the pandemic, I was running frequently. And it got to the point where, like, I was recognizing people on my running route. And, like, if I saw them, I'd give them a little nod.

I wasn't stopping for a chat or anything because we were running. you know, if 6 a.m. is both your workout time, you know, a friendly nod or a hello, very briefly is enough to be like, we've made contact, right? Like you, I don't- You've already done more than that person on Reddit did. Yeah, I don't think you can go from, we've never talked to asking out. I don't like that.

It could work. Everything could always work. Very unlikely. But you always want to make sure that you're protecting their peace, their safety, their space. The last thing you want is for either you to be kicked out of the gym or them to feel like they can't come back because of you because that would suck. So once you've established a rapport and whatever, you need to be comfortable with the idea of rejection. You need to be cool with the possibility that this person does not want to go on a date with you, does not want to grab a drink with you.

And you need to be cool about it. If you've spent X amount of time building rapport, you guys are friendly, you know each other, you have a little chat before or after or during your workout, and you decide, okay, now's my time to shoot my shot and be like, hey, do you want to grab drinks with me on Thursday? And they're like, ah, actually, have a boyfriend. Or, ah, actually, no thanks. Thank you, but no.

You have to be like, cool, no worries. I'll see you next week. And you need to be cool next week. And you need to be cool next week. Don't go in and then ignore them because that sucks for them. That sucks for you. It's the same thing. being shitty because you got rejected in sort of like a cold shutdown way.

There's no difference in you getting angry at it because there's still sort of like the well has been poisoned, just a different toxin. Yeah. So don't do it if you're not ready to be chill if it doesn't go your way. If you do want to do it, you have to go slow and maybe they don't want to talk to you at the gym, which is fully their right. Yeah. Maybe they do want to talk to you, but they want to keep it, you know, distance. Maybe they want to talk to you and they

want to be friends or maybe they want to talk to you and then it develops into something. Maybe the cardio will be a little more exciting for the two of you. You know what I mean? I mean sex. But I really do feel like that's the only way to do it properly. Yep. And safely and

you know, comfortably. Ethically. Ethically. That's going to do it for this. No, we got one more. Oh, we have one more pitbull. I'm going to try to do this quick. Now, Big Bang Boogie, get that. Blank. Big Bang Boogie, get that blank.

Big Dang Boogie. Now, Big Bang Boogie, get that blank. Big Dang Boogie. Big Bang Boogie. Now, Big Bang Boogie, get that. Big Dang Boogie, I'm saying it. Guys, it's obviously Kitty Little Noogie. Hold on.

Give me those. Now, Big Bang Boogie, get that Kitty Little Noogie. Kitty Little Noogie. Give that kitty a little noogie. Now, is Pitbull talking about a vagina? I believe so. Unless he loves cats. Because I'm all for giving a little kitty a little scruff on the head. You know what I wouldn't want to do?

Give a noogie? To a vagina? Yeah. But maybe. He's Mr. Worldwide. He's been there, done that. He's seen it all. Turn the negative to a positive.

Hey, you can't have six kids without nooging a little kitty. Now, someone just said, I mean, would you like to talk about... Look, I understand that the action could simulate... Why don't we have a camera? Because this is gold. God damn it. We're going to take a quick break. We're going to meditate on the sexual teachings.

Nooging a little kitty. Yeah. If anyone... No, I'm not going to say that. Get more questions. break we're gonna meditate on the sexual eating a little kitty yeah if anyone no I'm not gonna say that get more questions on over to us fucking post about this if you want some shots or if you just want to help us out and we'll be back soon I was about to say face, but that's not... Yeah, put it in his face. Put it in my face.

We're about to start our third act. Now, first time, it was needs improvement. Okay. Second time, pretty good. Second time, pretty good. Third time, when we introduced this act, I want to see these bars on my screen go red. I want Pitbull to hear it wherever he is. I want Pitbull.

I want usbull to hear it wherever he is. I want Pitbull, I want us to be worldwide. I think everyone's in their seats. Yeah, everyone's good to go. Everyone's fucking good. If you're not in your seat, you can scream from wherever you are. Wherever you are. We're back, friends. Are you ready for Act 3?

There it is. Oh, yes. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh, yes. Someone was murdered in there. They took advantage of the chaos and did do a murder. This is our third act where it is a murder mystery. Yeah. Who did it?

Under your seats, there is an envelope dictating what character you'll be playing for the rest of the show. Each inspired by a pit bull, Eric. Speaking of. Are you ready? Yeah, let's go uh take advantage of tonight because tomorrow i'm off to dubai to blank wow that there's a lot of options here people to live like i ain't coming home you're really good at this game yeah yeah anybody uh repeat take advantage of tonight because tomorrow i'm off to dubai to You're really good at this game. Yeah. Anybody... Repeat.

Take advantage of tonight, because tomorrow I'm off to Dubai to... Keep it tight. Ooh, keep it tight, okay. Feel all right. Okay. Feel all right, keep it tight. You're all gonna be really disappointed by this answer. And nobody else, okay.

Have a vacation. Closest so far. Take advantage of tonight, because tomorrow I'm off to Dubai to perform for a princess. All right, Pitbull. Okay, Pitbull. Okay. I think it's time to delve into some audience questions. Yeah.

Yeah, we got a lot. You guys came through, so thank you. How would you transition from old friends to more? There's feelings on my side, but I don't want to make things weird. This is tough. This is tough. This is a tough one because you run into that sort of age-old question of being like, I don't want to ruin the friendship.

And that's when you have to make up your own con list. I think you also need to make sure your, which maybe is your list you're talking about you need to make sure you're willing to risk the friendship that's it i mean like the con right is potentially con is on the con is on how do you calm them you put on a fake mustache oh you pretend like you're someone else. Amazing. And you walk in, you go, hey, that friend of yours? Real fuckable. Hey, Sarah, I hear, has got a real puss that likes to be noogie. What do you think about that? And then you bust in, you say, what do you mean puss?

You mean kitty? You pervert. Wait, hold on. Originally, she was dressed up as someone else don't even know man and now another her is coming yeah fuck me you just can't tell them apart because you got face blind i've lost the plot you got to be ready to sacrifice the friendship because they may not be comfortable if you're like hey i love you and they're like i don't it can make things weird two you got to be ready for it to get weird oh yeah but if you aren't you need to also make sure that you're not sticking in the friendship with ulterior motives that's it right like you

you have you have some options right it's it's you go through with the friendship you keep just being friends and that's fine but only if you can genuinely be a friend. Right. And you don't be like, well, I helped you move so you should love me. Or, you know, constantly like are you going to spiral into depression if this person starts dating someone? Or be like, I don't know. I don't like him. He seems shit.

Yeah. Or are you going to sabotage their relationships because you don't want them to be with anyone else because you're too afraid to sort of like take the next step. You can't half-ass it. You need to be fully their friend. Or like you need to commit. You can't like dip a toe in both. Yeah. So either you have to say to yourself,

be like, hey, my feelings for this person is strong enough to risk the friendship. Then go for it. Or you say the friendship means too much for me to pursue these feelings. So I'm going to have Or you say the friendship means too much for me to pursue these feelings. So I'm going to have to commit to the friendship. And therefore you got to make sure that your feelings you're like, I'm not saying there's a switch that you can just turn off your feelings for

someone, but you do have to take the responsibility of being like, these feelings don't have a place within the friendship. The parameters are our friendship. Or you sit middle of the road and make both of you miserable yes which is the worst option and what you shouldn't take yeah now if you do decide to go forward i think you need to be just like open you need to communicate you can't be like oh well we went to the movies that's kind of a date

like they're your friend they're not gonna get that things have changed you need to be like hey sorry to drop this on you or like I hope this doesn't fuck everything up but like I I'm starting to have feelings for you I'm like I would love to go on a date or like, I really like you. You need to just be straight up. And for the love of God, for the love. Do not propose. Of Elon Musk. Please do not prepare a flowery cinematic. No, don't give them a poem. Even if it contains pitbull lyrics.

I'm not even talking about poetry. I'm talking about rehearsing a speech in your head so many times because it's exactly what you want to say because when it comes down to it, when the chips are on the table, you're just going to say like three words of it and then not remember the rest of it yeah and sound like a fucking idiot right so like no one wants to hear a big flower speech they want you to get down to business one knee and propose yes they want you to just be like hey i'm into you yes at which point like even even have the grace to be like, look, if this is too much right now, I'll go home.

You can think about it. I don't need an answer right now. I know this is, you know. Recognize that you're coming out of left field probably and you're dropping a bomb, whether it be a good one. You know, those famous. All those really good bombs. Bath bomb.

Oh, bath bomb. Okay, I'm back in. Shut your fucking mouth. Well, they got like microplastics and the sparkle. Shit, you're right. Killing the turtles. No good bombs. So I do also want to say like bring this up at a correct time, not when you're at like a cottage vacation with all of your friends

and you guys are kind of like. Or you're like on a kayak together in the middle of the lake. You guys are fucking free soloing. Yeah, don't do it when you're free soloing. Also, don't hit them with the, hey, can we talk? Fuck that shit. Yeah, don't. That sucks.

No. That sucks so bad. So like next time you guys are just like out and hanging out and doing a thing that you always normally do. And also like they have ready, like a ready escape. Yeah. You know? thing that you always normally do they have ready like a ready escape yeah you know so if you're at their place if if they're at your place or if you're at like a like a fan like a comfortable bar don't do it at their place because then it's on you to leave you know what i mean if they're

at yours and they can get home okay yeah you can drop it sure yeah at a bar maybe i don't know it needs to be sort of a situation where. You take their feelings and situation into account. And that they aren't already on edge. Yeah. Or trapped. Like a week before you guys hang out, you were like, hey, you know, I know we have a stand. Like we hang out every Thursday.

Hey, in 72 hours, I have something to say to you that's, I'm not going to lie, it's going to be a bomb. It's going to shake. It's going to shake our relationship to the core. Talk to you then. Bye. Bye. And then don't answer any of their tags. Be like, are you okay? I don't want to talk about it right now. Hard to answer. It's better to talk

about in person. Don't worry. You'll find out soon. Like, fuck off. Don't do that shit. You'll find out we're on that kayak in the middle of the lake. I'll tell you when we're at a certain altitude. Trapped. Yeah. So that. Do that.

This is another question that we have received. My wife and I watched a video of tortoises making love and thought it was hilarious and even joked while in bed at the hilarious sound. Except now I keep worrying

I'm actually making the sound accidentally. What can I do? Now, I was pre-warned about this question, and I have, in fact, found the noise. I'm so happy. Is that not cows? No, that's a turtle.

Okay. Oh, sorry. It is a tortoise. I thought it was like... I'm pretty sure I've heard one where it's like... I mean, I don't know. I don't watch a whole lot of tortoise porn, Niall. Well, you just...

Says the guy with it on his phone for ready access. I don't know. I don't watch a whole lot of tortoise porn, Niall. Well, you just says the guy with it on his phone for ready access. I don't know. I don't have anything to compare it to. Hold on. Let me delve into my tortoise porn. I just want everyone to know or to remember that this happened because it will be pertinent in about 20 minutes. Oh, no.

Yeah. Yeah. Just remember. That's fine. Forget about it. Niall's pocket dialed some sort of law agency. You think I didn't bring the tortoise pornographers? It'll just be relevant later, and it's getting less funny the more I harp on it.

If you don't know whether or not you're making those noises, are you a cow? No. Someone liked it. We don't know when you're making bad O faces. Evidently, we know nothing. In the heat of the moment, it's hard to know what we're doing, right? So you need to- Real sex is messy.

Real sex is arms and things and liquids and noises. So you got to have fake sex. Smells. Tastes. Sights. Keep going. Three more. Smell, tastes, sights. Keep going. Three more. I think those are all the senses.

Feelings. Feelings, that's one. I think I got them all. You got two more. Two more senses? Just two more things to say. Vibes. Yeah.

Inclinations. Oh, shit. You did it. You did it. I did it. I think Dan needs a round of applause. Thank you. I'm so fucking proud of you, bud. That's what I came here for.

Okay. So I think step one, if only there was like a mirror, but for sounds. What you should do, and I think everyone is comfortable and cool with it, is set your phone up record yeah don't tell anyone about it yeah that's no one needs to know and if they find it you just go i just want to make sure i don't sound like a fucking turtle oh i'm sorry am i not allowed to know if i sound like a tortoise yeah how am i supposed to know otherwise stacy yeah your mom as Stacy. Yeah. Your mom was so much cooler. Ask your neighbors.

Do you have downstairs neighbors? Do you have thin walls? Yeah. Send out a little like a little fucking survey and be like, hey, this isn't the census,

but more important, do I sound like a tortoise fucking? Tortoise? Why am I saying that? Tortoise. I think I want to say turtle and tortoise.

Yeah, you'reise Tortoise? Jesus Us shellheads know the difference I mean what? On to you Just send it to them and be like hey do I? Do I not? Include the link just in case They haven't seen it like Dane

Are you talking about like the wife has seen it? No but your neighbors haven't Haven't they? Haven't we all? Ask your wife be like, the wife has seen it? No, but your neighbors haven't. Haven't they? Haven't we all? Haven't we all seen this thing? Ask your wife. Be like, hey, do I sound like that? And why are you, I mean, I was going to say, why do you think you sound like that?

But I understand it's like. If you think you sound like that, you probably do. Well, am I wrong? The people have spoken. Maybe. That's a good point. Yeah. Do you think turtles are included in the furry fandom

they have no fur but like that's where the anthros get down oh okay i was gonna say because like the ninja turtles yeah they're good fuck no they do yeah all right just checking how do you think they pay for the pizza they don't have jobs it's true they don't i bet the delivery guy is like god damn it like it's yeah like they're like every every pizza delivery guy is probably always hoping for like the hot one i really hope it's april o'neill and it's like fucking donatello opens the door it's like uh i have to fuck a turtle he's like me or the staff. Yeah. Uh, as a ferocious atheist, how can I ask my partner to stop screaming?

Oh God. Every time they climax, what would you suggest as an alternative? Elon Musk. Oh, Musk. Um, I think,

I think you just counter it right when they say, Oh God, you just say he's not real. Yeah. Yeah, we did it. The thing is, what's your alternative? You know? Because, yeah, you don't believe in God, but you believe in something.

Probably pit bull. So maybe just say, Mr. Worldwide. Or every time she says, oh, God, you say, he's not here right now. Did you say who? What? I haven't met him. Yeah. Show me empirical evidence that he exists right now. Bet you can't. I think that's that one.

Nailed it. I've been hooking up with this girl for a month or so now. Things are fun, but I wanted to spice things up a bit. I wanted to wear my wrestling title belt into the bedroom with my own entrance music, but she was really put off by it. She told me she could work with the belt if I dropped the elaborate entrance into the bedroom with the music. But without all that, it just doesn't do it for me. What should I do?

Drop her ass. Yeah. I'm sorry. If she doesn't want you to for me what should i do drop her ass yeah i'm sorry if she doesn't want you to like come in what what what music though i guess it does depend i immediately assume it's the breaking glass of stone cold steve austin right and then you you come in you crack two fucking budweiser's you smash them over her you make a fucking mess you know maybe that's the issue maybe you need to not pour beer all over the room and then it'll be okay. Or

go like early 2000s Undertaker and drive a fucking motorcycle into her bedroom. That would be hot. To the incredibly romantic sounds of Limp Bizkit. Yeah, that's the thing. It's all about the song and if she doesn't like it, it's just that either you chose the wrong

song or you chose the wrong partner. It's true. Now, more importantly, what's your finishing move? And why is it the pile driver? The chode slam? Cock bottom? Oh, cock bottom is very good. Chode Slam. Cock Bottom. Oh, Cock Bottom is very good.

We don't have wrestling fans in the house because no one even reacted to that. I think we all had to process it. I think we all... It was just too good. The Wombstone. The Balls of Jericho? Damn. I'm swiftly running out of the finishing moves that I know.

Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how to make pedigree work. I just can't get there. So in Ireland, gi is a term for a vagina, so the pedigee. I don't know if that's good. People in Ireland are loving it. They fucking love it. I think, look, a good relationship is all about compromise. If you want to wear a title belt and have an entrance, and she just doesn't want the music, that's what headphones are for, baby.

You pop those little bad boys in there. Get real sleek low profile ones and you're walking in she might be saying stuff but fuck her it doesn't matter you climb up on the bedpost get your fucking hand up there smell what the rock is cooking do you do the whole thing she doesn't even have to be there yet. That's the best part. You can just be like, hey, give me, like the song goes for a minute and 10 seconds. You can just, you get ready.

I'll be in there. She comes in, you're fucking hyped. She doesn't even know what happened. You're so sweaty. You're so sweaty. And for some reason, Earl Hebner is there, ready to fucking referee your fuck session.

Yeah. I think it's, is it time for tinders? Do we have any more pitbull? That's the, damn you. I was going to fucking twist you. Yeah, it's the last pitbull. Are you ready? Hell yeah, let's go.

Oh, wait. I fucked up. There's two more. Let's just do them. Hell yeah. Ready? Yes. I'm from the dirty, huh?

But that Chico nice, ha. Y'all call it a moment. I call it my life. Locking it in? Yeah. Anybody else? Ah, life. Ah.

Very close, very close. I'm going to count that as a win, though. Okay. And lastly. See, I can't think about it. Yeah, lastly. Pitbull is all about like he's not about the thought he's about the yeah he's dale yeah dale uh meet in greece

night to meet you but time is money only difference is hold did he say meet and greece meet and greet nice to meet you but time is money. Only difference is. Only difference. God, I don't know. Okay, give me again. I need to pounce right on it. Nice to meet you, but time is money. Only difference is.

Something about having the money. Okay. Am I close? Is it money adjacent? Should I give you a clue? Give me a clue. You're so close. Time is money, but is the lead in? But time is money, only difference is?

I don't know. You ain't got none. Time or money. what do you... Hey, Pitbull is a dangerous man. Does any... What? Okay. Okay.

Meet and greet. Nice to meet you. But time is money. Only difference is I own it. He's got money. You were right. What? I mean, that, people, I don't say this often.

Don't, hey, be real fucking careful what you say right now. Not his best work. But when you look at the body of his work. Yeah, most things are worse than perfection, so. Right? I think he, just a short misstep. Here, a stumble. And I bet the next line is him

somersaulting Willy Wonka style and full sprinting. Yes, probably. It's time for Tinders. For those that don't know, we find Tinder profiles online or from our lovely people here and we rate and review them for red flags. And we're about to do that right here, right we rate and review them for red flags.

And we're about to do that right here right now. I'm going to hit you with a person whose name is blank. So the way we do this is now we'll read out a profile. Then we'll throw it to you. For a while, we were doing a yay and nay situation, but I think we're just going to go with if it's a red flag, you're going to boo, right? I think that's just going to go with if it's a red flag, you're going to boo, right? I think that's the way to go, and then we will talk about it afterwards. So no yay if they like it?

Okay, sure. We'll yay and nay it. I'm easy. Whatever. Let's go. So just hit us with your reaction after this. Been told I look like a combo of Chris Evans and Ryan Reynolds, but you can be the judge of that.

Extremely dominant. Aggressive slash kinky and bad, but also like to have a bit of a connection outside the bedroom, as those are the best types. Hold on. Let me see this guy before I make a... Okay. He's not bad looking.

I mean, he's, yeah. I can see the comparisons, sure. People are changing their mind. Those who are yeas, those who are nays. Okay, not a big fan of it. You can't just put your hand up for nay because this isn't audio media. He does have a six pack. Does that change anyone's

mind? Does that sway anyone? No. I feel like this is upsetting people more than it's helping his cut. And I appreciate it. I agree. For me, you know what my red flag is? It's the extremely dominant slash aggressive. That I

think is the, also in my experience, again, we've talked about it before. I feel like anytime anyone says they're kinky on an online dating profile, that just means that like, they don't know what they're doing. Yeah.

Nine times out of 10, it's like, what's a safe word? Oh, you want to have safety conversations? No. If you're actually kinky, you're probably on a kink app or you know how to bring it up better.

Yes. Or you realize that there's a time and a place and it's not your first meeting. Yeah. Also, it's like we don't advocate for people to be like, I am hot. Or I look like, you know, if you look like Chris Reynolds or Chris Evans. Chris Reynolds. That is when they merge into their final form. Yeah, I forgot that's when they do their fusion dance.

If you look like those two people, it's not on you to say, and you don't need to say it. Yes. Get rid of it. Who fucking cares? You can be the judge of that. Yeah, that's the point, dude. You included pictures.

That's why we have eyes. Unfortunately, not everyone can see your face. Yeah. So just... I'm going to give it a 3.5. I'm going to give it a 1 because I know this dude has one move and it is jackhammering for 30 seconds. These are some prompts.

Me, I'm a grown-up, also me, re-watching Avatar The Last Airbender for the nth time. The hottest thing you can do is sending me to therapy. My hidden talent is being dead inside. Response? Okay, yay? Any yays? Any nays?

Yeah, okay. People hate Avatar The Last Airbender. You can't stand it. That's absolutely what the problem is in this profile. Who watches cartoons? Come on. Get out of here. Get out of here.

We've talked about it a lot on the show. We're all dealing with shit, and that's fine. We're all working on ourselves. No one's perfect. The world's bad, so I understand not feeling the best all the time if you go to therapy that's great if you don't feel the best all the time also okay nothing wrong with therapy but like what like why are you wanting people to send you to therapy yeah that's weird that's not my job no and also i don't want them like i get a snapshot of you on a dating profile and i don't want the, like, I get a snapshot of you on a dating profile.

And I don't want that snapshot to be, like, two-thirds your mental illness. That's fair. Right? I think that's, I feel like that's a little, it paints a very bad picture of you. Yeah. And a very skewed picture of you. And for me, I'm like, you sound like you still need a lot of work to do. And it, guess it's coming out of my pocket?

Yeah, that's the weirdest part. I wonder, is this a weird play on the hottest thing you can do is go to therapy? Like, are they trying to be funny and just missing it entirely? Either way, red flag. Yeah, still not a great joke. Hidden talent, being dead inside. Like, cool, I guess? Like, great.

Why would I want to fucking date you? Yes. It's going to be a two for me. Yeah. We got another one. This is a prompt. I go crazy for men who treat me like shit. Like an object.

Not even a person. Just a thing. Again. We need the response first. Sorry, sorry. Any yays? If you yay, we will put you on a list. Any nays?

Kind of half-hearted boos. I don't know. Again, I'm not here to yuck anyone's yums, right? If you're into degradation play, that's fine. But again, time, place, and language. And yes, you're on an app where I imagine there are a number of men who don't know how to do this in a fun or safe way. Yes. And who will take you at face value.

Which is dangerous. Which is bad. Yeah. If indeed that's what she's into. Yes. It might just be fully toxic. Yeah. At best, it's a bad way to approach your kink.

At worst, you really need therapy. One? One. One? I think that's a one. Yeah. I think that's a one for me uh this one is blank my name is blank i am a serial woman beater stay away from me don't want to destroy anyone else's life

cannot hold a job don't have my kids either because of my issues looking for still figuring it out that's what i was really excited excited to. He is open to exploring. Open to exploring. He's got an open mind. Obviously terrible. I don't even need to turn it to the audience because this is bad and I hate it. Again, it's one of those things where it's like,

do you think this is funny? Because you're a fucking asshole. I don't understand. Did it act like that? I mean, that's the only thing I can think of is someone has hacked it and a jilted lover has gotten a hold of this. Or like this dumb asshole has finally read something. It's like, wait, reverse psychology?

Okay. Yeah. Either way something it's like wait reverse psychology okay yeah either way it's terrible and honestly hopefully anyone who comes across that organically is reporting it I hope so that's going to bring it to the end of the show we want to do a couple things before we finish up first we

want to thank you guys for coming out it means a lot to us we switched our day we used to do a couple things before we finish up first we want to thank you guys for coming out it means a lot to us we switched our day we used to do Thursdays now we're on Tuesdays and you guys still showed up and that's pretty kick ass second we want to thank Mel for her incredible bartending work

taking care of us tonight she's amazing and we wouldn't be funny without her and I think that's it yeah uh oh we're a podcast we do this every monday please give us a listen if you don't already and if you do i don't know download us twice or something yeah force a friend to do it oh yeah force a friend to download us twice yeah um but we do these shows every month and we love all of you. So thank you.

Now it's time for Bad Sex Writing. No, we didn't play it, but we do have to thank our... Oh, yeah. Thank you to Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for their song, Paper Stars. I promise I never forget to thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Hit me with some Bad Sex Writing.

You'll remember 20 minutes ago I said a thing. The mattress stirred. He heard the strike of her match, felt the heat, and the tidal pull of her lips. She was naked. And the urgency of smoking did not disturb her breasts, which were hard and still like turtles. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we've been your fuck buddies. Yeah!