F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 296 - Peeking Over the Balls

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

New self mode just dropped, y'all.  Get those balls in half eclipse!  Topics include plastic bag break up, post-sex sex show, weirdly obsessed sister, morning routine (sex version). Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in our love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dan Miller. And I'm Niall Spain. And we're your fuck buddies. We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations and turn them into sexy, sticky situations.

Simply put, we find questions either roaming the wilds of the internet, sent in by our wonderful listeners, and we answer them right here, right now, in your ears, every Monday. Sometimes other places, like the woods. Like a wooden theater out in the middle of nowhere in the poconos yeah other places also like june 25th black sheep cocktail lounge liberty village some more details will be coming out soon it's gonna be a fucking fun show we have a cool guest yeah it's gonna be great we're it's gonna be a big show it's gonna be our pride show uh we're really excited to to celebrate we're gonna try to do some good deeds uh and, and it's, it's going to be a good time.

You're not going to want to miss it. That's June 25th, seven o'clock in Liberty village at black sheep. Yeah. You'll find details on our website, on our Instagram, pretty much everywhere. And we want you there because I'm just going to lie. Okay. I'm not going to lie. A celebrity came to our last show.

It's true. And they were. Panther Williams. And also a bear. A bear. A full literal bear. It's true. And they were? Panther Williams. And also a bear. A bear. A full literal bear. There was a bear there. We had to use the power of Pitbull to scare a bear away because unfortunately the bear

show was later and they mixed up their times and we, you know. See, it's funny because everyone's like, oh, why do you always play Pitbull at the start of the shows? Hey, you know why? It's so we don't get killed by a bear. Yeah, it keeps you fucking safe. Thank you very much. And on this case, for our pride show, it will be to lure the bears in.

It will be to lure the bears in. Get the bears coming on on. They'll be yelling, timber. Yeah. Fireball. Have we become Disney pod-cesses? What? We summoned the hornet through our dulcet tones.

We summoned the bear. To be fair, all of these... We summon Oliver every fucking week. We're the reverse because it has been fairly aggressive every time. Every time we have had to fight for our lives. Well, what if the hornet wanted to be buds and I just murdered it? Like, imagine whatever princess was singing and a bird came. They were like, ah!

And, like, hit it and it just died. Just ripped its wigs off. Like, that would suck. Snow White just, like, slowly torturing a fucking bluebird yeah um what if they startled her so just a little bit of context we talked about it on social media a little bit uh but we had the express pleasure of heading up to camp halcyon and the pocono's uh this past week it was an absolute fucking blast. Unreal. We met a ton of lovely people.

The coolest people. If you're a new listener because of the show, welcome. We're glad you're here. We do this every Monday. And thanks, because we had a fucking blast. It was because of you. Yeah, it was certainly one of the rowdiest audiences, but also probably one of the best audiences.

Oh, for sure. It was the energy. The sheer positivity and energy and like funness. And we got some claps, got some yells. We got a lot of these. Oh, people were at one point in time, people snapped and I was like,

I feel like I'm a poet now. Yeah, I did feel cool. Uh, it was amazing. Camp Halcyon is amazing. If you want to do something good with your life and time and spirit and soul, go like we spent days making rockets and then playing adventure bocce

and having a few drinks and meeting panther williams bingo savage bingo that doesn't even make sense to you but you don't need to know it's so much fun yeah if you want to go into the woods meet a bunch of strangers who are kick-ass some of the nicest people uh shoot some arrows at an archery course uh climb a big log get in the, get in the water, get in the water. They had a heated pool at that camp. Uh, it's such an incredible time and such a, uh,

and like, I can't stress enough that like all that sounds fun. All the activities were great, but the people, the people from the people who run the camp, uh, you know, director Ian and Ricky and Chelsea and like the whole crew,

uh, Dave, huge, huge, huge shout out to Dave was our boy. He was our audio boy and our, our soul. I love him. Yep.

Um, our good friend Phil, who was the one who sort of like got our asses into camp and saved the baby squirrel. Speaking of Disney princesses. Yeah. Um, it's just a,

it's just a great time. Uh, you're like, it was, there was just so much where every time... Nell and I had done a camp like this about a decade ago. And we certainly look back at it with a bunch of fondness. And it's nice to...

Almost too much fondness. To the point where going out, we were like, it's going to be fun, but I've got to temper my expectations. Nah, man. It was fucking amazing. And the other thing was when we did those camps, we were single. We were single as hell.

Yeah. We were too single. We were single as hell. Yeah. We were too single. There was a fuckyard. And so I went in with a little bit of trepidation of being like, I'm going to have a good time, but I think maybe the magic of this scenario might be a little lost because I'm not going to be on the prowl for an adult adventure. I'm not going to be breaking into cabins and doing all sorts. That sounds wrong.

We're breaking in collaboratively. The cabins are empty. Yes. But, I mean, at no point in time did I ever feel like I was missing out on anything as a man in a committed relationship. No, that's right. So, once again, Camp Halcyon, if you are looking for something to get away, I think they have a few more camps this year. Yeah. I highly recommend it.

It's affordable. It's a great time. You're going to have the time of your life. And they're just lovely. It's like literally like 40 new friends. Yeah. Minimum. It's great.

But enough about that for now. We'll probably talk about more. Yeah. We're going to be talking about a few things today, such as being broken up with over a plastic bag. A post-sex sex show. Boyfriend, sister, weirdly obsessed with him. And consensual wake-up sex. Okay. Ready?

Yeah. This is by PlentyTop8523. My 20-year-old female boyfriend, 21-year 21 year old male wants to break up with me over a plastic bag. What do I do? Boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months, went to the grocery supermarket three days ago to get some groceries. I forgot to bring a bag from home. So I decided to get a bag from the store. He was planning on staying the night at mine and I got some groceries I was going to cook with for dinner because he doesn't cook and some other stuff for me. Get to the checkout and I end up forgetting to pay for the plastic bag boyfriend got mad at me made me carry the bag through town

he we end up going to a clothing store and i kindly asked if he could hold it while i try something on and he responded with i don't carry bags for thieves told me to put the bag down and try the clothes on i did when he got to the kiu for the checkout i looked at some accessories he turned to me and said you steal that too because you like stealing things you're a thief. He was loud when he said this, enough for other people to hear. Store is very busy, and I used to work there also. I felt humiliated. I quickly paid and rushed home. I was wearing new shoes that day and got blisters on my feet that were sore and bleeding. Bag is quite heavy, and that didn't help either. When he got home, he asked, have you learned your lesson yet? Are you gonna pay for the bag next time i was extremely upset by the whole situation so i brought up to him today how i felt really belittled and

humiliated his response was he didn't care about the bag and if he really cared about the bag he would have reported me to security at the store he said it was the principle of not taking something that's not yours i understand where he's coming from and he did apologize for making fun of me in the clothing store tried to express why it made me upset yesterday but he kept bringing up the bag and he said he'd make me carry it again if I didn't pay for it. The bag was 30p. I felt like he wasn't listening to me, and he said I wasn't understanding the real problem.

He ended up getting frustrated and walking home at 3am because he thought it was for the best, and we both needed space. Now, honestly, I think this is silly, and I don't know if I should break up with him because of how this all turned out. Any advice? I frequently and

constantly tell people that lawful, good characters can be interesting in Dungeons & Dragons and various tabletop RPG games. This is a man who has taken that to the extreme of not fun. Yes. Should you steal from things? No. Should you steal from...

Was it Loblaws? Because yeah, dude. Should you steal from grocery stores that are gouging the shit out of all of us? Yeah. Hey. The essentials we need to fucking live? Yeah, fuck them. Would I steal? No.

I don't think so. But if I look at my bag and I'm like, oh, huh, I didn't scan that. I would, not a single tear would be shed. Capitalism is destroying our world. Yeah. Not a single tear would be shed. Capitalism is destroying our world. And if I get away scot-free with a 30 cent bag, I'm not going to lose some fucking sleep over it. And this is where this false morality pisses me off. Because I'm like, sure, you're getting all fucking up in arms about me not, like, accidentally not paying for it. Because it also, like, it's not like she did it on purpose.

Yeah, also, even if she did, it's a 30p fucking plastic bag. So, you're getting all upset about this, but, like, is this dude also getting upset with the fact that grocery stores, and again, I don't know if it's like this around the world, but here in Canada. We're getting fucked. We're getting fucked. Like, grocery prices, I think, have, like. Like, gleefully. They're like, ha ha ha. Like, 70% increases. We're getting fucked. Like, grocery prices, I think, like, gleefully. They're like, ha ha ha.

70% increases. We're getting the best amount of profits. Like, actually, fuck you. Like, we've members of the government bringing them into tribunals, being like, you're gouging people. And they're like, yup. Yeah. And then no one does anything about it.

What are you going to do about it, nerds? And then they're just like, profit, profit, profit. And the worst part is, they've started to implement so many more anti-theft things, like cameras and gates and security people and all this shit. And I'm like, that sucks because you're making extra money by gouging people. You're spending half that on people who no one's stealing bread for fun. Yeah. You know what I mean? And you're just scumbags.

So one, should we steal? Yeah. Am I stealing? No. Should I? Yeah. But you know what? Yeah. H hats off to

this hero but you're right if we're talking about morality and morale police and blah blah blah i'm pretty sure it's a little bit more moral to accidentally steal a 30 cent p bag than it is to be a fucking piece of shit to your partner all day yes and abuse them and just be shit like yeah i mean that's the thing is like this guy emotionally abused regardless of your stance right like if he was really upset about this you know what i would have done i would have gone in and said hey sorry my partner forgot to pay for the bag here's 30 cents and you know what they would have said it's cool yeah get away get away from me you weirdo your grimy coins you change pervert get the hell out of here. You know, and like, I think that's a great point. Like, I wasn't even thinking about that, but it's like, yeah, it's like, who is more morally

like gross in this situation? Oops, forgot to pay for a bag, which really isn't your responsibility. That's the people cashing you out. They should have charged. Chances are the people cashing you out are probably like, fuck this i'm getting paid minimum wage i don't give a shit they're also gouging me and everybody like it sucks oh you i'm not allowed to sit down for no reason cool fuck you here's a free bag yeah uh so it's you know it's dumb the whole thing is dumb and then to get on your high horse like your moral police horse about this one small thing.

I'm sure that you could go through this man's fucking past. Like even just like the last 30 days. Hey, even the last interaction where he jumped at a chance to abuse you. Yeah. And that's it. This was, I tell you, he gives a shit about the bag. And if he does, that's an issue in itself. But what he's like actually wanting is a reason to be like, oh, I'm allowed to abuse you now.

Yeah. This is my carte blanche to be mean for the day. And I get to be like, no, there's a reason. You thief. And even if like that's not his thought process, even if that's not what he's doing, it is still what he did. Right. This is still something in his mind thinks he's like validated to do because he's quote-unquote in the right yes so how many more times are are there going to be things like and

also morality is a is an objective scale right like what one person thinks is correct like again i got into a whole thing with my parents where they were shocked and appalled that people were buying lego sets taking the lego out filling it with like pasta and then returning it and being like what a terrible thing i was like fuck that man like lego sets for like a little tiny house now yeah or like 80 i was like sorry but if my kid wants a lego set and i'm poor and birthday's rolling around i i have no fucking problem stealing from a big box walmart it's one thing if you're mugging your neighbor. Yes.

But also, is your neighbor a millionaire? No. Like, we all know eat the fucking rich. Like, these companies, I'm sure they just write that shit off in their taxes anyway. It's like, fuck them. So, like, morality. It's not the same for everyone. What I think is right might be different than what you think is right.

And there might be sort of a, you know, if you think, oh, it's okay to kill people. Sure, it's fucked up. And I think, you know, collectively we get to decide sort of like what morality is. And I think collectively, I think if you've got a hundred people in a room and you said, hey, what do you think is worse? Treating your partner like shit all day and verbally abusing them and belittling them and making them feel bad or not paying for a bag at a grocery store and realizing it after the fact. What do you think people would put more weight on? Who do you think would be like, oh, yeah, no, this person is way worse than this person. I would say it's probably a hundred percent. Like I can't imagine unless this guy is in the room and then it's 99%. Uh, you know, it's,

so I think you need to look at not the micro transaction here of like, this is what happened today, but look at sort of like the big picture and be like oh hey anytime i do something that this man has determined wrong or immoral or not up to his standards yeah he's gonna treat you like shit and also well i can all agree this is one of the most minor things you could do oh yeah yeah. So what if you did something bigger? Does his response increase in kind? Because that's scary. Yeah. Because this is already pretty fucking extreme.

Even if you'd done like something kind of bad, like you snuck a pepper, you know what I mean? That still wouldn't be okay. If you stole like a couple of cliff bars, that still wouldn't be okay. So like a fucking plastic, like literally the least,

also I'm pretty sure that plastic bag is just tax that goes to the government. Yeah. So like, who are you really stealing from? Us, the people. I take it back. No. It's like, and I think the worst part is in situations like this, I almost feel like the

person in the right, which is her, who's being abused, almost thinks like, no, I'm not allowed to be upset by this. It's such a stupid thing. But instead of thinking that way it makes it worse it's like yeah this isn't serious yeah but you're getting a serious reaction you're getting in this serious situation and it's like yeah it might suck to be like we broke up over a plastic bag better than saying he fucking threw something at me over a cliff bar i don't know why that's the go-to i know someone used to rob him but also like you're like if this guy is that upset and like sure if you want to be that sort of like morally pure and you're that upset about it then draw the line in the sand yourself right like if if my partner

like if i was with someone who frequently shoplifted i don't think i'd want to date that person you know what i mean like if every time i went into a fucking drugstore they came out with like pockets drugs of fucking like lipstick and mascara and shit and i was just like yeah if you want to be this sort of like morally pure and if this is so no i said that already uh you said you were the partner and they were always stealing like mascara or whatever i don't think i would want to be with that person only specifically because like my anxiety of being like every time we walk into a store i'm like what are you gonna fucking steal like that that to me and like also if you're just stealing it for the sake of stealing it it's a much different story yeah so like i would get it i i wouldn't i don't think i would date someone like that so i the

onus is on me now. Like if I want to stay with this person and every time they do it, yell at them and treat them like shit, then I'm just as shitty. Yes. Right? The onus is on me to be like, hey, I don't like this. So I'm going to give you the opportunity. Like I'm going to explain this to you and sort of like tell you how I feel about this situation and this behavior. And if you don't want to change, then like it's not my job now to make you feel

like shit yeah you're not like well if if they didn't catch you it's my turn to punish you right yeah and on top of that it's just like with this fucker it's like he's not even morally pure or whatever so if you really have a partner doing this thing who thinks you did something wrong it's fine if they talk to you and treat you still respectfully and appropriately but they just fucking are like this is my chance get the stick like no that's fucked you don't get to be like oh you did something wrong so now i can do something wrong in turn and it's fine that's not how it works and i do want to like touch on that as well where it's like just because something like you can't just say oops that was an accident and not incur a conversation of your partner's feelings right so like if if this did bother him he is

100 within his right to be like hey that made me feel really uncomfortable that you took this thing like he's allowed to do that right like we're all allowed to a little weird over a plastic bag for sure for sure but you know if that's what he's feeling he's allowed to express his feelings in a respectful healthy and normal and like non-hostile and non-abusive way yeah that's sort of like the responsibility there so like by all means like if you if your partner does something that you find irksome or or you know challenges your morals for sure you can't expect them to have the same morals but what you need to expect is that one you will treat them respect and two that they will listen to your side and then you make your decision yeah right like then you say oh hey if you're not going to change i'm

going to go or if they're like oh i understand it was an accident that's not a big deal i just wanted to broach this like i assume they're traumatized by some level of theft in the past. Yeah. But who knows? Who knows? This is from Jindam1. He watched porn and showed me photos and intimate videos of his exes after sex. Basically what the title said.

I have a couple of insecurities about my body and I look completely different to what my boyfriend's exes did. He still says he loves me how I am and said i should love my body and be comfortable in my own skin but 10 minutes after we finished he started watching twitter porn and showed me his exes having sex giving him head although he made sure not to show their faces it made me feel so that's fine thank you great it made me feel so bad and it felt like he didn't find me attractive so we watched porn and old videos of his exes. I brought it up to him and he said he just watched the porn to get him in the mood again. And he showed me pictures of his exes so he knows he has nothing to hide.

I haven't got over it and I don't know what to do anymore. That doesn't make sense. Like, when were you being accused of having something to hide? Yeah. What conversation were you having in your having something to hide yeah what conversation were you having in your head sir uh that's fucked like to just like oh you're insecure hey how about here's the thing here's the opposite here's what you don't want no faces though that's fine right yeah check this out look at this look at these like i need a transcript of the conversation

just to see was there any point where there was a throwaway comment or like a mumble where it made in any way any kind of sense i know it didn't i know it didn't but no that's not it you should be but one it's illegal to just show someone else's fucking nudes without their consent yeah regardless of whether you block their face out or not so fuck off two there are very few situations where that's ever going to be cool to do to your partner, I'm assuming. Yeah, I imagine the majority, if not every person,

doesn't want to see a video of you having sex with your ex. Yeah. Right? Like, just out of just sheer comfort, let alone jealousy, insecurities, yada yada. Like, if someone was like, if I had just, especially right after sex, like all of it's bad. It's just bad. Even if like, even if I was talking to my current partner and we were like, oh, you know, me and my ex used to have great sex.

Like relationship wasn't great, but the sex was great. Even then. It would be so weird to be like, look. See? This is our segment. Remember the great sex? Yeah, yeah, this is it. Sorry, hold on. Let me block his face here. But there's his big old balls.

Why is my ex a man? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Was I being you? I don't know. I thought you were. Does it matter? Yeah. Why? Because I've never dated a man. Yeah, but we're playing a fiction here. But I don't want to misrepresent my past, my sex life. I was actually pretending to be your partner,

because in that thing you were like, imagine if my partner said this, so I was assuming their role. You made it weird. I did make it weird. So that's their big old balls anyway, and they're penduluming onto Dane's forehead. I like the idea that somehow you're blocking the face,

and their big old balls are sort of like cameras. Yeah. He's like, he's got the best angle. He's just like peeking over the top of the big old balls. Classic porn angle. Great angle. Yeah. Maybe that's it.

Maybe that's the only reason they've got the video out is to be like, hey, look what we used to do. We used to play peek a ball. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how to take videos. Yeah. But hey, here's an update. How do you think they resolved this? I'm going to say midway through the conversation of them taking the advice from Reddit and trying to explain things,

they were like, hey, cool, here's more. Hey. I've done this too long, man. I decided to end things and my heart hurts, but I don't regret it one bit because after our bit of back and forth, he said, and I quote, I can send you more pictures of them now. And I hope this time it makes you not want to eat or sleep. Oh, wow.

So, okay. So just like- What a surprise. He was doing it maliciously this whole time. What a surprise. This guy's a piece of shit. Man, I hate that I could call that though. Yeah.

Literally, we've done this too long. Yeah. Well, guys, that's going piece of shit. Man, I hate that I could call that, though. Yeah. Literally, we've done this too long. Yeah. Well, guys, that's going to be it. No, man. I got to stay so we can do more comps. Yeah. Yeah. Like, this whole situation, if anyone's ever done this to you, I don't, I cannot think,

unless you've specifically said, hey, I know you have a bunch of videos of you and your ex. I would love to see one because I think that's hot. And even then, I think half the a bunch of videos of you and your ex. I would love to see one. Cause I think that's hot. And even then I think half the time that's going to be a trap. Yeah. I mean like the only way I can see it is like if you're into cucking or sort of like that. And even then it's kind of gross to do it without the partner's permission. So it's like, it's just, it's very rarely. Cause I, there's going to be very few times the person you're dating is interested. You have the videos.

They know about them. They want to see them. You have the permission of the prior partner. And that's the one person in the room that hates plastic bag theft, right? Like that's not going to happen very often. Yeah. So we can almost blanket ban you doing this to your partner. Yes. If you have any sort of sexual content

with a past partner, whether it's a person you hooked up with once or whether it's someone you dated, don't show it to the person you're currently sleeping with. Or anyone without, again, express permission from both. Yes. And if you don't have permission to take those videos,

fucking delete them, you scumbag. I'll come and find you i'll do weird things to your phone it'll just be videos of me and now dipping our balls and peeking over them peek a ball hello uh all right let's let's get back into normal territory here this is by throw our a bunch of numbers my 22 my 25 year old female boyfriend's 26 year old male sister is weirdly obsessed with him. He's taking her on holiday, and I don't know how to convince him. It's super weird.

I've been dating Mike for just under 18 months. Our relationship has become really serious. We've started to discuss things like marriage, children, etc. Sorry, how long? 18 months. Okay. A year and a half. Yeah.

We moved from England to Wales about six months ago because I got a job opportunity that required us to relocate. He was able to convert to working from home, so we stayed employed by his old company. We now live about 70 miles away from our hometown because so far we rarely visit home, maybe once every six weeks or so. Whenever we do visit, we stay with Mike's parents, and every time we go, his sister is incredibly obsessed with Mike and will not leave him alone. This is the point where it's really weird, and I'm almost like she has romantic feelings for him i brought up to mike and he says i'm being crazy but i'm not for example she'll snuggle up to him on the sofa so i have to sit somewhere else she'll ask for him to take her shopping to places that i don't like she'll make him take her to restaurants and love fancy meals together it is so weird how she treats him like a boyfriend

they have a holiday to spain booked for the summer we're to the town where mike grew up. They booked this before we were dating, but it's just the two of them going. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I first asked for him to change the booking so I could come along as well. Said I would pay for the extra, obviously. He said he contacted the travel agents, but they weren't able to change the bookings anymore and that they couldn't book a separate package for me because the hotel was booked up. Yesterday I told him I think it's really weird. He wants to spend two weeks alone with her in a foreign country and when I said this to him he blew up and kicked me out of the house. Like genuinely kicked me out of the house for just questioning about this which has made me feel like it's even more weird than I thought. We end up having a huge

argument like the biggest we've ever had. I'm now considering booking a separate hotel nearby the one they're staying at just so I can keep an eye on her. I've been texting him and ringing him and he hasn't answered or responded to me at all. I understand how he doesn't see this as weird This is tough because I can feel like this could go one of two ways. One, it is exactly as she says and and there is like a very strange like palpable like sexual tension because i've seen this happen with siblings before like i've i've seen porn no i've seen happens all the time on porn hub weirdly i've seen siblings where like there's a bit of like there's a bit too much like intimacy and not like like they're making out or whatever but it's just like they're just really close and like there's a part of, like, there's a bit too much, like, intimacy. And not like they're making out or whatever, but it's just like, they're just really close.

And, like, there's a part of you that's just like, huh. But there's also a part of me that's like, are you an incredibly jealous person? Or does she not like you? So, you want the update? Yeah. Well, not an update, but you could go through the comments. People ask what the sister's age is. What do you her age is i'm going to guess younger i'm gonna guess like a fairly young nine oh boy oh everything's just changed right everything has changed so much

because you're like you're going through it and you're like, oh, okay. Hmm. This person does seem a little okay, but nine. Yeah. Cuddling up on the couch. Oh, it makes a lot of sense all of a sudden. Uh-huh. Hanging out. Obsessed with big brother. Hmm.

Going to stores that your adult girlfriend doesn't like. Fucking hate Build-A-Bear. Fucking Toys R Us again. There's nothing there for me. God damn it. I hate it. Going to fancy dinner. Like, oh my God. Fancy. Was it McDonald's? Yeah. Was it damn it i hate it go to fancy dinner like oh my god was it

mcdonald's yeah was mcdonald's was it fucking wendy's like no it's it's gonna be fancy so there's gonna be many cheese right like olive garden or chilies apple bees right it's fancy it has unlimited breadsticks that means you could eat forever yeah it's fancy you she doesn't eat for free it's fancy oh damn right it's oh my god the nine years old is a i was gonna guess like maybe like 14 15 16 right and like that i think would trigger a a visceral response in someone being like you're a man and there's a a young woman like an underage woman and like you know i mean it's like maybe that I can see sort of like pinging. Because I think if I saw an adult man being overly affectionate with a younger woman,

regardless of, of, of relation, there would be that like, I don't like that. So like, that's where I was thinking I was, I was going to do a guess.

Like it was going to be like a teenage, but like nothing listed is weird no not a single thing listed is in any way weird for a fucking nine-year-old and the fact that you're gonna go and get a hotel near them and creep guess what's weird bud like the thing is is like you, you're, you're like, oh, she's obsessive. It was like, do you think they're fucking? Do you think the man you love and want to marry is having sex with his nine-year-old sister? Because if so, FBI, please. Yes.

Interpol, I guess, because it's in England or Wales. I forget which one they went from to. Sherlock Holmes, please. I need you to catch the mystery of the pedo brother. It's wild to me that... But also, the weird thing is she never mentions him. She never says like, oh, he's being weird. It's she's being weird.

That little fucker. That little nine-year-old bit. It's, yeah. Girl, therapy. It now makes sense why this man freaked the fuck out on him. Yeah. Girl, therapy. It now makes sense why this man freaked the fuck out on it. Yeah. Because if someone insinuated that to me in any way, shape, or form, I would be like, what the fuck?

Because look, I would get it of being like, okay, we go home. First time you meet my family. My little nine-year-old sister is all over me. I'm like, that's the age where kids still look up to parents older brothers your older brother who hasn't been home in ages and like you come home and take them out for fucking fancy dinners to oligarch like that's the best and it's like probably she grew up with him just long enough to like the what some of the more formative stages right like i don't know how long they've been moved out but but like if she was,

you know, five, six, seven, that's the time when like kids start to like actually like generate bonds and, and form like, you know, relationships and stuff.

So it's like, so she's just formed this like really cool thing with this really cool guy that you've admitted is a great dude. Yeah. He fucks off. Of course she's going to be when he's around and be like, also I miss you when your family, when you get to your family, it's great. Yeah. the fuck like do you if you okay let's let's fast

forward you guys get through this no you guys go on the trip and he's like is that is that shanae and shanae's on the balcony with a fucking pair of binoculars i imagine she's got like the head wrap yes for sure head wrap on as well like or you you do something like she's got like the head wrap. Yes, for sure. The head wrap on as well. Like, or you do something like she hops out of the pool and gives you a hug and you see her. Ah! I knew it. From the pool. Yeah. You know, like what?

Or someone arrests her because she's on the balcony creeping on children. Like nothing good goes right from this fucking hotel. But okay, let's just say that we get past this. You guys get married. You start a family. You have kids kids uh-oh your daughter's nine what happens your daughter's like oh i love two people in the world because i'm two and one is mommy and one is wait what well hold on daddy why are you obsessed are you obsessed

with dad always want to watch movies with him oh now he's taking you out to the mall you went for a walk to the park it's like girl break up with him for his sake and this poor young girl i mean it certainly sounds like this dude knows what he needs to do like him being like no you can't come on the fucking relation or like the the trip on the relationship i was thinking like yeah and the relationship um because it's like chances are she's gonna be make this poor nine-year-old girl feel so uncomfortable. She's going to be so jealous. She's going to want

all the attention. I would never let this person near my family. Yeah. I mean, I get now. Like I said, I get why. Because imagine the first time it happens where you just be like, wow, your sister really likes you. And you're like, yeah, she's the best. We're best friends. She's my little... No, she really likes you. Yeah. Okay, wow, your sister really likes you. And you're like, yeah, she's the best. We're best friends. She's my little...

No, she really likes you. Yeah. Okay, yeah, sure. And then every time you go home, your sister's like, oh, so you're taking her to the mall, huh? It's like, yeah. You might be like, oh, she can't go to the mall by herself. She's nine. And you might be like, okay, it sucks,

but I guess she's jealous that I'm not spending time with her. Which is shitty to do to someone when they're hanging out with their fucking family. Yeah. But I'm sure it didn't cross his mind that this was it. Yeah. And then when it got to that point, thank God, he was like, get the fuck out. And hopefully he never talks to her again.

But girl, you need so much therapy. Yes. You need so much help because again if there was a problem here if there was inappropriate contact and and things that you it's not her fault she's the child yes like you should be angry at the adult in the situation for sure and again it's not a i'm annoyed on reddit it's a police yeah everybody get the fucking authorities tell our parents like please tell me that people fucking skewer did she respond to any of the nine-year-old questions like what was her response like that like i need to i usually don't give a fuck about comments how old are the sister blah

she's nine but we'll be 10 this year first comment you need therapy i'm starting to see what the issue is how old's the sister what do you mean you're struggling to the issue i'm worried if that's the case there's nothing weird about the sibling relationship you describe only problem here is you don't think it's weird how obsessed she is with him or in a question on the relationship he kicks me out of the house it was like she's nine she idolizes looks up to her big brother you're making this weird you need to get a grip woman so yeah good great yeah it's yeah that's that's real bad i don't like it one bit. No, it's fucking horrendous, and girl, you need, like, just... So much therapy.

Too much therapy. This is from Obi Stray. Consensual wake-up sex? So, as the title says, my boyfriend said he's into the idea of being woken up by sex if he were to wake up with a hard-on. But in uncertain terms? Conversation went like this. Boyfriend. Question.

Would you do, or what would you do if I woke up in the morning to me having a boner during the time we wake up together? Which is, hey, that's a weird sentence to say. That hurts. Me. I'm not too sure. Hey, wait. What would you do if I had a boner? Between the hours of nine and ten? I'm not too sure. What, what would you do if I had a boner? Between the hours of 9 and 10?

I'm not too sure. What would you like me to do? Haha. Well, I wouldn't mind you doing what you want with it. I don't know whether to take this as consent, as the terms were quite uncertain. I'm wondering how to bring this up again. Just to be sure that he was okay with it if I were to do it. So, two things. One, it did seem to say you were both awake. So, that seems like a different situation

to what you're describing. Two, if consent is ever unclear, clarify. It's that simple. Go, hey, seems like you wanted me to wake you up with sex if I noticed you were the boner. Are you cool with that? And then if he says yes, be like, okay, maybe next time I will.

Well, you touched on a very important thing. You're not describing wake-up sex. You're describing morning sex. Yes. You've woken up and you sex. You're describing morning sex. Yes. You've woken up, and you're waking up together, it seems. He literally did say, if we woke up together and I had a boner, which is also just a weird hypothetical. It's like, what would you do if we were doing the dishes and I had a boner?

What would happen there? Yeah, hmm. Riddle me this. I like it. Just like, at the end of the night, they're sitting. He's got his smoking jacket on. They're sitting in front of the end of the night there, they're sitting. He's got his like smoking jacket on. They're sitting in front of the fire. They're both reading their books. Darling, what would you do if right now I had a boner?

I don't know, baby. What would you like me to do with a ha ha? Whatever you would like. Hmm. Hmm. And then they go back to reading their fucking books. What are you doing? What are you fucking doing?

I do like the idea that this guy is just like, in various things, just like, While I'm cooking dinner, boner, what happens? What if I'm strimming the weeds from the lawn and upon my return, you notice I have pitched a little weed of my own? Wouldst thou pluck it? I'm drying off after a cold shower and yet you still see that i'm quite engorged what thou what what doth thou do what's then i don't know how he's become yeah he's gotten buried uh this is fucking weird guys like the question's weird the

response is weird the fact that you went look it seems like this is the thing you want to do if it's this thing you want to do and if you're unsure on whether or not you have consent to do it, don't do it. Clarify. Yeah. If, like, if you talk to him and you're like, hey, I'm gonna wake you up if you're asleep with sex, and he wants it, he will say, hell yeah. If he doesn't, he will say, eh, and then, great. There's your answer. That's it.

No one's gonna be like, whoa. It's weird that you asked. And you gonna be like whoa it's weird that you asked and you can also be it's like you can like consent can't sort of be like scheduled you can't like schedule consent right you you can sort of like talk about the things on the morn of the fifth perhaps may i bestow upon you my boner when the crow doth crow um so you can be like hey this is something i'm interested in yeah and while i'm waking I'm waking up, I might not be into it. So please don't take offense if I say no. Please don't take offense if I sort of shift away.

God only knows how I'm going to sleep that night. God only knows how I'm going to feel in the morning. What if you have morning wood, but you also really need to piss? This is specifically why I do not want ever to be woken up with a sexual act. Because I almost, I would say, every morning, wake up, the only reason I get out of bed is because I have to piss terribly. So if I'm on the verge, if I'm teetering on piss canyon, and you start doing things to me, i don't want to piss on you if you're asleep and there's a warm wetness on your penis and all of a sudden your brain's like let loose hey we did it and now you're fucking gargle blasting my piss down your throat yeah and you haven't consented to be piss

blasted by a sleeping man yeah although what if no like that's my i don't think i would just pee i think i would wake up and be like, oh, no. Yeah. But then the nightmare of needing to pee, but having a boner. And then you're trying to wait for it to go down. But then the more you think of it, it doesn't. And then you're like. You go piss and then you're like, hey, do you want to suck on the thing I just pissed out of?

That, like, to me, doesn't feel good. So, like, mentally, like, I don't want to be like, this just pissed. No, no, put it in your mouth. Like, that's weird to me. Uh,

so like, I just don't want, I want like, yeah, I'm okay with morning sex, big fan of morning sex, but I, I,

I want a little buffer. I want to buffer time to like piss, maybe brush my teeth a little bit. That's another thing. Cause I got morning breath. Yeah. It's you, you know, but again, clarify. Yeah.

If you don't know, clarify. Always consent can be withdrawn. And there's like, there's nothing wrong with, again, you can ask for consent through statements in the sense of being like you roll over in the morning and you guys are kind of like cuddling. Not in this kid's area. No, no. Not in what he said, but in what she's putting forward, his statement would be like.

Yes. True. She's like, that's it. But you, you know, you, you wake them up with like a, around the, the area touches to, to sort of like signify. And then you'd be like, Hey, I really want to suck your dick. Hey, I really want to give you a handjob. Hey, I really want to signify. And then you'd be like, Hey, I really want to suck your dick. Hey, I really want to give you a handjob.

Hey, I really want to ride you. And then go from there. Yeah. And that's the thing. Like, I don't also think that wake up sex is like, no,

you have to be asleep when it starts. Yeah. It could be like, you'll wake them up and immediately start to fuck. Like, yeah. Anyway, talk to him.

Clarify. I don't know if I could have sex with someone who's asleep. No, terrible. Yeah clarify i don't know if i couldn't have sex with someone who's asleep no i'd be terrible yeah i don't know like i think physically my body would be like we're not doing this yeah and the thing is like it wouldn't work unless they're such a deep sleeper and if they're sleeping that deep i'd be like that would feel so wrong yeah so yeah i don't know i've definitely gotten like night horny and like but you're generally both kind of awake. Yeah. And then things happen, whatever, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, if they were asleep? No. No. No, no, no. Uh-uh. You want one quick one? Hit me with a quick one.

Um. Uh, do I have a quick one? Okay, let's do it it this is by Infinite Tension she updated her hinge pics and prompts sexually I, male 25, have been on three dates with a girl, female 24 the dates have gone well, I think

we kissed on the last two, we have a fourth date tonight I have paused my hinge account as I can't multitask like a lot of people on online dating but I was curious about her profile, so checked it out. She updated her pics. Fair enough. I wouldn't after a couple dates plus with someone, but that's her choice. She also changed her prompts to instigate sexual conversations slash flings by talking about orgasms. Should I say something to her? Is it a sign I should end it?

I'll add an update when I have one. Hey, for her sake, yeah, end it. Yeah, dude. What are you doing, man? Like, I've always, like, I like to, like, pop onto people's profiles after I've met them. Just to see, like, what's changed. Yeah. And that's more just out of morbid curiosity.

More than, like, me checking up on them or whatever. Just says no Danes. It's weird um but it's like it's kind of fun to like see someone like if someone's changed their thing but like before it was like it seemed very like relationship focused and now you're in like a casual thing and now they're like yeah casuals okay like that's i've seen that happen a lot with people that i've been and i'm like okay cool like you you've changed from like you like the casual thing with me so much that you're willing to, like...

That you've given up on love. Yeah. You had such a bad time, you realize it's never going to happen. It's never going to happen. No lover. Casual's the best you'll get with some fucking podcast scrub.

Oh, God. Don't say it like that. Like, dude, what are you doing? One, it's like, I paused it, but then I creeped her. Like, you're saying you can't multitask like a lot of people on online dating. Hey, like a lot of people.

Say that again. Just repeat it to yourself. Just because you almost have the capability to see what you want and what you're capable of, but you don't somehow have the ability to apply it to this person who is one of those people you mentioned. Or if you do, that's not cool. Fuck off, dude. I would love to know what you said about orgasms. Yeah, my guess is it's probably a joke.

For sure. And probably like a pretty low-hanging one. And yeah, it's probably nothing, and he's probably just like, but the guys are just going to be all into sex. Dude, they're prompt sexually. I just imagine her like typing a man like yeah yeah she's like it's a slide but it's slow she's just covering herself in whipped cream

like oil uh yeah dude calm the fuck down also change your picks fair enough and then immediately i wouldn't after a couple days plus but that's her choice so it's not fair enough to you is it fuck off dude you're gonna it's gonna be the to you. Is it? Fuck off, dude. You're going to, it's going to be the worst fucking date. He's going to show up and be like, Hey. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is a five bucks says he goes on this date.

He's a piece of shit the whole way through and is fucking weird. And then he's like, see, I knew she was moving on. It's like, nah, dude, like you fucking, you threw the wrench in your fucking spokes and you got a wrench right in your fucking spokes and, you know. You put a wrench right in your chest. Right in your chest. And that fused to your bone. This is not going to make any sense to anybody.

Nope. It's bad and I don't like it. You suck, dude. Get the fuck over it. That is going to do it for this week's episode, friends. Before we go, do you want to do Tinder? I don't want to do Tinder. Let's fucking not do it.

We're allowed. We're so tired. We're so overworked. We're so tired. We're so overworked. We're so tired. We haven't really recovered from our weekend in the Poconos and our week in New York. And I just don't want to. No. And you know what?

We're almost at 300 episodes. We've never missed a week. So we can do whatever we want. We can do whatever the fuck we want. What we want to do is thank you for being here with us. We love you. Everyone who supported us. Everyone who does support us and if you're not supporting us one you are because

you're listening so boom thank you got to there are other ways to do it join us on patreon please you'll find links to it everywhere type in f buddies podcast or no patreon.com forward slash f buddies i think podcast or buddies i don't know go to f buddies podcast.com include the patreon link that's the the best one works. Yeah. Um, we love you or, you know,

share a video, comment on the video, like a video, rate us, review us, tell a friend. And look, if there's one thing we learned this weekend and from doing our live shows,

a lot of people see our show and they go, Oh, but you know, better than that. You know that it's not what most people think it is and by that day means like they haven't they haven't gone to a show and gone oh yeah they see oh two white straight guys talking about sex and go and i get that hey we get it we have no problems with that we understand they're coming from a smart place if they were like hype then i'd be the one worried

i i would do the same thing as you we get get it. But you guys are in the know. You guys know that we're not that. Yeah. So maybe, like, maybe don't just say, like, hey, check out this podcast. It's really funny. Because a lot of people are going to roll their eyes and be like, we don't want this. So maybe explain a little bit. About why you like it.

Why you like it. And maybe explain, like, hey, they're sex positive. Hey, they, you know, they're supportive. Hey, even the bears like them. the bears love them that's the thing you're in the forest you do you choose man or bear you choose barrel guess what bear chose us how about that yeah catch me outside catch me in the woods how about in the woods uh thank you josh eagle and the harvesters for their song paper stars i got a real a real swift bad sex writing here. It's from a book named Rubicon by Agnar Michael.

I thought you were going to read Taylor Swift lyrics. Maybe I am. Her breasts were like birds. Big, warm, wild birds. They throbbed, tickled, waited. What birds and boobs are you looking at, dude? Whose birds are throbbing? If there's a throbbing... Whose boobs are throbbing? If there's a throbbing...

Whose boobs are throbbing? I, yeah, nothing. I just want to get all these guys, and I know there are a few women as well, in a room and just be like, have you seen one? Have you seen a boob? Have you touched a boob? Have you seen a bird? Have you seen a bird?

Here's a bird, here's a boob. Describe, is it the beak and the nipple? Very different. Yeah. Shape, texture, size, color. Tell me how anything. Compare these. Go.

Right now. Do you know what throbbing is? Write it down. I guess they might wait. But even then, birds aren't like maybe waiting the worm, like the ones that tap the ground and hope that the worm thinks it's raining and comes up and they go. Yeah. I don't know it's bad

my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Payne and we've been your fuck buddies