F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 302 - Take the Puss to Mouth Town

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Listen, Greg.  You can keep making your funny little piss jokes and I'll be forced to ruin your life or you can just chill. You make the call.  Topics include falling on the piss sword, toothy blowjobs, canine companion challenges, lick my balls (respectfully).  Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. I put my trust in you, and then I trust in love. I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love. Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller. And my name is Niles Spade. And we're your fuck buddies Okay, you don't have to make fun of me the whole way

We're the Sex and Dating Advice Podcast Where we take your sticky, sexy situations And turn them into sexy, sticky situations Simply put, we are your friends in your ears And we find questions either online Or from yourselves From your brains And we answer them right here, right now, every Monday

In your ears On the topic success in dating smooth this is the best intro we've ever had you'd think after over 300 episodes we'd be able to do that like with our eyes closed we can i think we now we have to challenge ourselves yeah you know by doing it the worst way possible yeah how bad can we make it uh this is going to be a weird one because I'm very tired and emotionally drained because we just recorded the finale of No Quest for the Wicked, our other podcast that you should listen to right now.

And my brain real bad. Yeah, my chest feels like I got dumped or something. You know that heavy weight of sadness? Not necessarily sadness, just emotional weight. There's a lot going on in there. Also, it's very hot, and it's been a long day.

But you know what? This week, we're going to talk about... Her parents think I peed the bed, but it was her squirt. Damn. To the blowjob. Damn. My girlfriend reconsidering her relationship because I love my dog. Damn.

A respectful way to say lick my balls oh shit let's get into it uh this is by residual spelt wrong my girlfriend hold on i just realized that if someone listened to this for the first time they would think we are the biggest douchebags yes because of the way that we introduced ourselves and the words we said and then proceeding to go damn in between every question, it sounds like that might be a thing that we do every episode, which would be insufferable. To be fair, I think we should probably be more cognizant of making every episode one people could jump into, which I think is a thing we very rarely do. It's well, the thing is, is I feel like it, no matter where you jump in, you're getting

a completely different show, right? Like, but also, no, you have no idea like what the vibe is because sometimes we're like real serious, right? Sometimes we're real goofy. Sometimes we're really tired. Sometimes we're very sweaty. Sometimes we're just dying of heat stroke. Sometimes we come across as like massive douchebags.

Sometimes we come across as real smart. Sometimes it's a guest. Two of those, I hope. Well, one of them is probably less than we hope, and one of them is probably more than we hope. Now, I think like if you listen, like if you kept listening, I think you'd be like, oh, they're not douchebags. That was a weird bit. Yes. But did you listen?

Did you keep listening? Let us know. Hit us in the comments. It is time for the question, though, so shut the fuck up. My girlfriend, 28-year-old female. Parents think I, 28-year-old male, peed the bed, but it was her squirt. What should I do? Me and my girlfriend have been in a long-distance relationship for more than a year now. We visit each other as often as once a month.

Our home-based jobs make it possible for up to three-week stays. But a few months ago, she was laid off her job and had to move back into her parents' place. She got a part-time job shortly thereafter. Whenever I visit their place, I pay my respects to her parents, eat lunch with them and stuff, and then we check in into her parents place she got a part-time job shortly thereafter whenever i visit their place i pay my respects to her parents eat lunch with them and stuff and then we check in for a night or two at a hotel during my recent visit we decided to stay at their place to save money we couldn't have sex because her bed creaks a lot so my last night there i decided to eat her out she was down and she'll tell me to stop doing it after she comes so she won't squirt but she didn't it soaked through the comforter and a portion of the mattress we used

her laundry to soak some of the mess but to no no one's surprise, it didn't do much. She said she'll just air it out tomorrow once I left. It was pretty late. She came home. She came with me to the bus terminal to see me off, and when she came home, her mom had apparently entered her room and aired the mattress out herself because it reeks. She told me her mom said I must have dreamt of something scary, to which she replied with a shrug. I found hilarious when she told me this, but we realized it would be a hindrance to my future visits her parents are a bit religious and although they probably know we have sex outside they'd probably be upset if they knew we did at their place while they slept soundly i just can't keep it a secret from them

and visit their place either way because their parents think i peed their daughter's bed what should we do i think the the course of least resistance is just no one's going to talk about this piss accident. No. Right? You are. No, that's a bad comparison to use, given what's happened the last few months. But you're going to have to get your American football. You're the person that stops the person from hitting the person.

I haven't dropped my phone in so long. Damn, you're bringing back old bits. You're like a defender, an American football defender. I don't know what they're called. A linebacker? I don't know. Whatever they do. The guy that stops. I can't say jump in front of a bullet. Yeah, right. I can't say your secret service. I can't.

So, you're going to jump in front of that bullet. You're going to protect her ear by... Come on. No, but you have to take this one for the team yeah is what i'm saying uh you peed you did it oops it's it's a phantom piss that happened that didn't really happen but it happened but it's because the alternative is being like no actually i didn't piss the bed i just performed oral sex so well on your daughter that she squirted and made us to the point where the room staying. Yeah.

I squirted up this room so hard. It's staying. Yeah. You're going to tell her religious as parents this, and you think that won't have a worse effect on you visiting. Yeah. So all you need to do is be like, go be like, Hey, uh, after lunch, I'm going to go hit the confessional for the accident. Wink. Then you can tell the priest

that you ate her out. So yeah, forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I took my girlfriend's puss to mouth town and it,

the weather forecast, torrential downpour, torrential downpour. We flooded the DVP for the second time in the week. I would love to know what a priest would actually do.

I assume they'd open the flap. The flap's meant to stay closed nine times out of ten. But they open the flap and they dab you up. Yeah. I imagine there's a separate dab slide. Yeah.

It's hidden. You're not meant to know. You're not supposed to. And it happens so rarely. There's the one that's the screen so you can't really see through it. Then there is the solid one. He just

goes, nice. Then you hear Jesus echoing from the rafters. I don't think they're going to bring it up. No, it would be like, hey, this time don't piss. Now, maybe you got a real jokester dad who does think it's funny to, like, hint at it. Like, if you're having a glass of water, he's like, oh, slow down there, champ. Bedtime's around the.

That's a pro dad move. Right. And you just got to be like, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. You're right, Greg. Yeah. Or just lock them

That's when you say you know what I took your daughter to mouth down Is that what you wanted to hear Greg Hey Greg is that what you You want to hear a funny joke Greg I made your daughter's puss splooch I did that I did damage to your mattress that you probably bought

With splooch because of this good old tongue Yeah And I left that picture of Jesus up on the nightstand he watched me do it so i'll drink as much fucking water as i please greg yeah in fact i'm gonna pour a glass of water for your daughter because she's gonna be dehydrated as fuck when i'm done with her greg you're right maybe i should save some of this for her when she's done ejecting it all out her puss from me. We haven't done anything to beat these douchebag allegations. No, we've done a bad job.

Although I think defending your girlfriend's squirting honor isn't a douchebag thing. Yeah, that's like the eighth law of chivalry, right? I think you, yeah, you run the, the, the, the gambit is one. You hope. Gambit one is oops sorry i pissed is everyone thinks you pissed but no one ever mentions it and you sure it might be like god it sucks that they think i pissed but you know the truth that your tongue is is that of a wizard and that's fine that should be enough to help you fall asleep in your soaking wet bed at night true and if you got jokester greg on your hands you gotta take your girlfriend and be like look

i'm sorry we're going with the nuclear option and the nuclear option is you take him aside when no one else is there and you tell him what happened because then you're passing the evil situation to him because now does he tell the wife because it's even worse if he has to say it to her so i think he just goes you have defeated me and then he moves on with his life and you move on with yours and he slides open his dabs yeah he goes over pulls out of the wall yeah yeah um those things you gotta get real close to him this has to be like mouth to ear whisper we know that mouth can do though yeah and then just finish it off with a little little little lick and i realized that that might not be the the sound of a lick but it's what yoshi does it's true well so imagine that's the sound you made when you were like liking someone out

what what what and then they'll be like that's how you celebrate afterwards yeah uh you got got a question for me? I do. Because I feel like we undeniably solved that one. Obviously. This is from MobileGovernment7147. My girlfriend's blowjobs. My girlfriend loves giving oral sex. You're all probably thinking, lucky you. And I would agree.

However, every time she gives it to me, I need to put cream on right after. Oh, no. In the beginning, everything is fine. Then after a few minutes, all I can feel is teeth. She loves giving them and constantly begs to give them to me. And I don't want to refuse because I enjoy making her happy. But how can I communicate with her about the way she gives them? Like, okay, I've done this before.

A toothy blowjob? Not given one, but received them. Yes. I mean, I've had this conversation where I just say, hey, I'm really sorry, but there's a lot of teeth and it's hurting or it's very uncomfortable or it's scary, which it is. It's all three. And just kind of let them know. And then sometimes it's, oh, sorry, the position we were in is a little uncomfortable. I was like, I guess I did by accident. Or they just change how they approach things. It's very easy to do. You just need to make sure that you don't come at them very accusatory

or angry or disrespectfully. You know? I think if you have a little spray bottle and just say, teeth! No, you have to get teeth to throw at them. Yeah. Just to really hammer the point home. Because then, if you spray a bottle on them, they might be like, oh, more saliva. You know what I mean? That's how it works, right?

It's too dry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit, if you have more teeth, more teeth. Fuck. What's mean? That's how it works, right? It's too dry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. If you have more teeth, more teeth. Fuck. What's the opposite of teeth? An air burst sprayer. Just an empty water going to go tsss and lets air out because air and teeth are complete opposites. Yes. One's hard and enamel. One's air.

And weak to it because they're always blowing your teeth with air at the dentist. To defeat them. Yeah. And that's what dentists do. Yeah. They're there to defeat them yeah and that's that's what dentists do yeah they're there to defeat your teeth uh if you rearrange the letters of dentists you get tooth defeat yeah it's true um yeah i think there's uh it it really depends on how long this has been going on because if it's like so if this is like a several years into it and you're like, I think at that point the issue would be phrasing.

You don't need to say every blow job you've given me. You can just be like, Oh, sorry. Like, I don't know what it is, but like, you're like clipping with your teeth.

They're like, Oh, can we just like be a little bit more careful? And like, hopefully no one's gonna be like, how dare you? Yeah. You know? uh and also like if this is her thing it might not be an accident she might either have had a partner who enjoyed it or she might not know she's doing it that's my or she might think it's like a move you know what i mean like so you just gotta be like

you gotta lay it out there if you're telling someone that you're uncomfortable or they're causing you pain hopefully they will immediately take steps to rectify that. I don't think you're going to earn more by saying, yes, it's been every blow job. Yeah. Um, I think,

yeah, I think it's very important to take it gently and gingerly and, and let them know, uh, always give them the compliment sandwich is always a good thing of just being like, I love how much you want to suck my cock. Yeah.

It's super hot. That's great. Super hot. hot um and then kind of lead into the like uh lately there's been a little bit more teeth and it's kind of been hurting and irritating so can we just be a little more gentle this time um and if you want it's like i can kind of let you know what's your thought on midway through being like oh sorry that was a little bit of tooth i think that that's totally fine i think that's fine because it's it's the same thing as like if you know if you pulled someone's hair and they're like oh just a little a little too much right like it's it's not it's not their job to endure the pain until afterwards to be like putting cream on your dick what cream by the way also please make sure you are not putting on like hand cream or face

cream that is free. That is free. What? What is like your dick healing cream? I need to know about this. I don't know what cream you're putting on, but it's almost guaranteed not formulated for your genitals. Yes, I would say so. Maybe that's where you're like, oh, and then it's it's irritated for days. Yeah.

Well, maybe it's the cream. Okay. Because usually we talk about not bringing things up in the heat of the moment. And I think this is a good distinction to make where like, if it's an immediate thing, it's causing you discomfort and blah, blah, blah. It's not really a discussion. It's a, Oh, just a heads up. Like it's an adjustment. You kind of clip your teeth there.

Can. Yeah. Yeah. I know. That is a very distinctive, like exception to the rule of don't talk about things. Yeah. Because you're not having a conversation about like yeah a situation or or uh you know your feelings you're literally saying that hurts please don't do that yeah and

i think that is something that like like i said it's like it's not your job to grin and bear it until you're you know having tea the next morning and be like hey so the other night blah blah you wounded me for 30 minutes yeah constantly it that is that is not the the onus of being a or or the indication of being a good sexual partner you need to you need to stand up for yourself in terms of when something doesn't feel right you need to let your partner know and then it's on them the onus is on them to make the adjustment and if for whatever reason they can't make the adjustment if they're having a hard time doing something. It's not your job to be like, well,

well, she tried her best. I guess I just got to like, you know, get through it. No, just be like, okay,

let's, let's try something else. Let's do hand stuff. Let's have sex. Let's, you know, or, or call it or whatever.

And then after you have the conversation and you say like, Hey, like, thank you for trying earlier. I just like, you kept like clipping your teeth. It was like really sore. Like,

um, you know, didn't mean to stop. Obviously I was enjoying the fact that we were doing this I just like, you kept like clipping your teeth and was like really sore. Like, um, you know, didn't mean to stop. Obviously I was enjoying the fact that we were doing this, but like, maybe it's something we can like, you know, work on.

Yeah. That's it. You don't, there's no other way. There's no like secret stealthy, like, oops, I inferred the information to them.

I incepted it to them. Yeah. Um, but I also think not bringing it up is not the way, because again, we've talked about this many questions, the best time to bring it up and fix this problem right now. Yeah. The best time

was the first time it happened, but right now is the second best time. Just keep sending her videos and be like, wow, she doesn't use her teeth at all. What about that's like? Just send her a picture of your raw cock after and be like, this is what you did to me. Oh, can you grab more cream for my dick? Out of dick cream, I

used so much of it yeah uh yeah be gentle be kind be caring uh treat your partner the way that you'd want to be treated if something like this was happening yeah and hopefully they are cool about it and hopefully they're willing to make the changes that but if like how thick your dick though i mean maybe how thick your dick though maybe it's gonna be a a situation where you're gonna have to change the style in which you get a blowjob. Maybe it's going to be more licking and hand stuff than it is. I'm hoping it was a mistake where she thinks this is a technique and you

bring it up and she goes, Oh yeah. And that's it. Or she's like, relax her. Like maybe you are quite large and she has relaxed her jaw a little bit more because it hurts and you have never said anything. So she thinks, Oh, okay, this is fine. He's fine with this. This is good.

And this doesn't hurt. You not having said anything, that's why this is happening. Yeah. So you got to speak up for your comfort, preferably the second it starts to irritate or hurt. Yeah. This is my agreeable answer, 324.

Why do I feel like we've done a question? I was going to just say agreeable answer sounds very weird. It sounds very familiar. My 31 male girlfriend, 31 female is reconsidering our relationship because I answered a question. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you with my dog? I was having a normal conversation. She asked, what's the best thing that ever happened to you? It was between her and my dog.

I asked, this was a trap question. She said, no. I said, can I answer truthfully? She said, no. I said, can I answer truthfully? She said, yes. I said my dog. Cause I got her when I was in a really dark spot in life after college, struggling mentally and emotionally for nine years. What felt like hell to finally finishing a master I've been working on. My dog is 14 years old now, and she's showing her age. There are times I was afraid my dog wouldn't make it to the end of me completing the program. I'm just happy. She's still around as I graduate. And that was on my mind as I finish up my finals this weekend. My girlfriend of five years long distance got

incredibly mad saying, wow, I pick a dog over her. Now she doesn't want to go to my graduation with me. She wants to cancel her visit for my upcoming birthday and wants to reconsider the relationship. She states I should just marry my dog then. To be honest, four out of five of those years together contributed to my emotional and mental health since the relationship was frequently unstable. She expected me to say her because I'm the best thing that's happened to her. How do I respond? How do I remediate this? Things went from zero to 100 ridiculously.

I tried to make her understand, but knowing her, whatever I say is just excuses. I tried to give reassurances that she's the best person that's ever happened, asking best thing left it vague and open. Perhaps I should have said both my girlfriend and my dog i mean this is one of those situations where if a person is jealous of your pet especially one that you've had a long time then i think that person is bad right like yeah and not not necessarily like a bad person but that person has things that they need to deal with yes outside of a relationship well they're they're being a piece of shit especially when you're like if you ask a question and then say like you can answer truthfully and then when the the truth is out you get mad about it and be

like well i'm gonna break it's like well then you didn't want the truth you wanted a very specific answer yes you wanted to hear that you were the best thing. So you didn't, you weren't asking a question. You were, as this guy said, trapping him into what you wanted to hear. And that is a shitty thing to do to anyone, regardless of whether you're in a relationship, regardless of like, if you need a specific answer and you ask a question and get mad when you don't get the specific answer,

it's like you suck. You, you're a bad person. I go back. No, you're a bad person. You are a bad person. You're a bad person i go back no you're a bad person you are a bad person you're a bad person so many ways you're doing this weird thing to trap them you're jealous of someone's dog you're also like there was no answer if they said their mom or their best friend

you would have also been upset and that sucks it's like by all means you can want to be the best thing for someone but you don't get to just make that decision for them or be upset if they don't feel that way like that fucking sucks um and then to punish them be like well i'm not gonna your birthday i'm not this i'm not that like fuck you like that's so that's like abuse you can answer truthfully but if you don't answer the exact way that i want to i'm gonna break up with you yeah also that's what you've done like when you say it out loud like what you say the and like that's kind of like how you have to approach this thing. Honestly, I think this is a, I think you bail. Well, you said four out of your five years together made your life so bad. You needed

your dog to help get your life better. Right. That sucks. You said that also, even if that wasn't the case, even if you had a good relationship up to this point and then they drop this on you, they're not good. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if someone's willing to, like, obviously you said your graduation is really important to you and they're not good yeah you know what i mean like if someone's willing to like obviously you said your graduation is really important to you and they're gonna bail on it because you didn't answer their trick question correctly yeah no like fuck them you need to dump this person i and if you do want to try to salvage it if you do want to sort of like maybe they're going through a thing that you're unaware of you're long distance so like maybe there's stuff happening behind the scenes that you're not privy to have that conversation and be like hey so you asked me

that question and it wasn't a trap said i could answer honestly yeah neither of those two things were true and then you went nuclear option for me expressing what is a incredibly reasonable and understandable thing where i love my dog and also it was like the thing that saved my life yeah presumably before they met too it sounds like the thing that saved my life. Yeah. Presumably before they met too. It sounds like 14 year old dog, five year old relationship. So like,

and then, and then just put it into context of being like, you asked me a question where if I didn't give you the exact answer that you wanted, you were going to break up. Like, would you like, and impose like hypotheticals being, what if I said it was my best friend?

What if I said it was my, my mom? What if I said it was my sister? Like what, what answers would have been acceptable other than you yeah and if and if there are none then what you've done is you've you've put a situation where if i don't answer exactly the way that you want me to you're gonna leave me that's emotional abuse that's manipulation that's gaslighting like it, it's so shitty and be like, if that's how you want to run this relationship,

if that's how you think that you can treat me, then I don't want to be like, you don't need to rethink the relationship. It doesn't exist anymore. I'm done. I'm out. Yeah. Like,

I think it's, the proof is in the, the question at the start. Is this a trap question? Guess what? I don't have to ask my partner. Yeah. That I would never ask my partner.

And if I did, it would be me joking, joking immensely. Like, is this a trap? And like, it never would be. Yeah.

So like that, the fact that that's your first thing to say, like, this is very clearly not the first time they've done that. You should, you also have to clarify it twice. It's like, this is a trap.

No, but can I answer truthfully? No. Okay. Not a trap, but I have to clarify twice. You have to be like, is this a trap? No. But can I answer truthfully? No. Okay. Not a trap, but I have to lie. Great. Like, is this a saw relationship that you're in? Like the, the like number one thing you'd want in a relationship is, is honesty and

trust and openness, right? If I can't trust that my partner will give me an honest answer when I ask a question, that's bad. If I can't trust that my partner isn't asking a question to manipulate me, that's bad. And that's what you have on both sides of it, right? Like you were worried about being honest with your partner. That's insane. That's very bad. That's a really, really bad state to have a relationship. You're also in trouble for saying you love your dog and for being like yeah my dog saved my life yeah like i'm sorry but if someone was like hey what's

what's the best little creature in your life well like what's the best thing it's like my cat i've been with that guy for 17 years almost half my life i've spent with this fucking amazing of course like i'm i rank him very highly in my list of priorities if anyone was upset by that that's psychotic yeah like that's there's no oh i don't know i hate this and we've seen questions like this where people are like jealous of dogs and cats and presumably family members and whatever that's like what what are you doing yeah why are you trying to suck the joy out of everything and look insecurities rear their heads in weird ways. That's fine.

We don't really get a say in what makes us jealous or what makes us insecure. What you do get a say in is how you react. And this is the wrong way to react. And if you're the kind of person that is going to spiral from this, don't ask the questions. Yes. Right? Like, you didn't need to ask this question. She didn't have to bring up this topic.

It sounds like they were just talking about whatever. And they were just like, she was like, what, what do you love more? Me or the dog? Yeah. And it's like, well, why would you, why would you do that to yourself, to your partner? Yeah. And again, if you do feel insecure over something, don't do this. Don't be like, cool.

I'm going to lash out. I'm going to punish you. No more fucking visit. No more fucking graduation. Maybe I'll fucking dump you. Like, fuck. Like, that's so bad. Yeah. That's just so bad. If for some reason you're upset, maybe take a minute until you're chill and be like, oh, I was kind of bummed when, you know, I asked the question and you didn't say me, which I still think is kind of unfair because again, you don't get to dictate these things for people. So I think if someone's going to be honest with you, you should be able to have the wherewithal to step away and be like, okay, one, I asked him to be honest. I appreciate

that he was two. I get it. Like this dog is great. Everybody loves their pet an incredible amount. And I know this guy for five years. So I know how much this dog means to him and how much, you know, they bond and blah, blah, blah. So him saying that is by no means a knock on me. And for me to take it that way or to punish him for that would be horrendously unfair and shitty. And it would also make any honesty going forward on our relationship tainted because he would always have to be like, oh, I want to say X, but what does she want me to say? I'm going to have to try to make something up. And then that's bad.

Exactly. And like on the flip side, if the girlfriend, if you're feeling insecure, if you're feeling like you need reassurance, if you're feeling like you're not getting enough validation, that's fine. Ask for it. There's nothing wrong. We've talked about it. I think last year I was making a big deal about it. Maybe this year of not like asking for reassurance asking for help tell you say to your

partner like lately i've been feeling really shitty and i feel like i need a little more reassurance i need to hear that everything's okay i need to hear that you love me or care about me i need to hear this i need to hear that and if your partner cares about you they should reciprocate they should be like once you're not being unreasonable yeah like if it's like oh i don't feel great like you shouldn't go out with your friends you should always be at home talking to me you know what i mean like there are levels to which you're being yes too much but like if there is an issue like if you would like to hang out more like if you're long distance and you don't see each other enough or something like those are things you can work on but doing this is not that in fact this is driving a wedge and also it's like if you want like what more could a partner

give you than being honest with you that is a mark of respect and like love if they start lying to you that's bad you know what i mean so it's like it's funny how you got this this respectful and like good answer because they trust you enough to be honest with you. And then you threw that in their face. So I, I think you lay that on the table, everything we just said, and just be like, Hey, here's the situation. If you, if this is what is going to get you to throw in the towel, then yeah, I agree. I think maybe we should call it quits. If you are having a really rough time, if you are having a bad week bad month whatever and still not okay this got away from you let's talk about it and yes i would need an apology where you know

what i mean like i would need assurances that this wouldn't happen again and i would definitely set boundaries of being like if you if you try to like set this up again yeah and and make me feel like shit because i don't give a like you're looking for something very specific and I need to lie and whatever about it, then like, I'm not going to play that game again. This is a one-time thing. You know, it's unacceptable now in this relationship.

I would honestly, I would just break up with them. But if I didn't, I would be, and this is advice. Cause I didn't follow this advice back when I was in a previous relationship. If you set this boundary, you need to stand by it

because if they do it again, it's just going to keep fucking happening. And you need to just be like, hey, we had this chat. I'm done. It took me too long to figure that out. And I stayed in a shitty relationship for a long time, dealing with a lot of abuse before I finally was like,

no, this is actually like, I said one more time you do it and then we're done. And then it was like six seven eight nine twelve more times yeah eventually I got there but I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and time and effort if I had just stuck to my guns and I think you should because these are things that are awful there are life-ruining things I don't mean once it's not like you did it once and oh no but to live with a partner and to know that there's always this like walking on eggshells and this like trap and this abuse and you know that they're just gonna fucking go zero to a

hundred over things that don't matter that they instigated for no reason it's just not fucking worth it yeah it's not so if you make a boundary stick to it and if it gets broken again if it gets pushed then be like cool great i set this I set this boundary. I was very clear. Yeah. Bye. It my turn. This is able psychology. What's a sexy slash respectful way to ask her to lick my balls? So the first time I asked a girl to do it, she was giving me a blowjob.

And I just said, lick my balls. She giggled and went for it. And honestly, I was surprised by how much she got into it. I'm curious if there are other ways that I can ask to make that might feel a bit more romantic and even a little nasty what are some sexy respectful ways to request this kind of play uh okay so this is great i actually did a seminar for this um a while ago for the world sex uh conglomerate and what you do is you create a facebook group but you make a private, right? But you invite them. But then while they're going down on you,

you un-private it and then they get the invitation and it's a invitation to Balltown. Oh, I like that. Yeah, yeah. And then it says, licking party, invite you. And then it's like, yes, no, maybe. And then they respond and then you pull out your phone and then you check.

And like, if they say no, you know what it is. If they say yes, you look at them expectantly until they arrive at Balltown, and if they say maybe, then no one's ever done that one. People are usually pretty definitive on whether or not they want to go to Balltown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know, honestly.

Scientists are still kind of trying to figure that one out before it happens. It's a race against time. What are they trying to figure out? What happens when maybe gets it? Yeah. It's just one, one,

one ball, one ball, right? It's not both balls. Hmm. Okay. I'm going to hold on. I'm going to get on with Freud.

My scientist, not the, obviously, obviously not. He's dead. And he likes to talk about dad's penises, not this. Yeah.

So dad's balls. Yeah. Freud is going to put that. He says, oh, wow, weird. They just got to the same thing. Same conclusion. You're as good as eight scientists training for 19 years. That's what I'm here for.

And you thought I was a douchebag. Yeah. So invite her to Balltown on Faceback. Faceback. Faceback. I like to draw like a little treasure map and then put a big X on my ball and the X says ball town yeah and be like you found it that's the

treasure X marks your spot now lick the permanent marker off my balls because I can't scrub it too hard or it'll hurt yes and I'm real worried about poisoning and I used up all my dick cream already I've already used all of my dick cream I think you did it well.

Maybe just a lick my balls out of nowhere sounds. Actually, you know what? I feel like it's the only circumstance in which that isn't offensive. Yeah. Or like an insult that a 16-year-old says. I think you could soften it somewhat by like, I would really love it if you licked my balls. Or like, my balls would really love some attention.

You know? I think the problem is the word balls is so. But we can't do testicles. You can't do testicles. Can't do testes. You can't do sack. Can't do sack. Like it's.

Can't do sack. I don't think so. Can't do sack. Like my sack? No. I think balls is the best one. It is, but it sucks. It's not great.

It's not great, but it's, it's our reigning champ. Cause balls, like balls are so juvenile. Would you care to take a sojourn slightly south? But maybe she goes for the taint. Yeah. Too far south. Too far south. You've gone into the mud.

My lady, tread the median. Are you like Christopher Walken now? That was like a weird... I don't know. Just being the kind of person that would say take a sojourn down south. Yeah. Um, I think some of the things I've said is like, like I will, I will take control of my penis,

lift it up and say like, start. So the best is you started that by saying some of the things I've said, I will take control of my penis. So I'm just imagining you say, that's what I say. Yeah. Yeah.

I let them know. I don't just take it from them. They're playing with it, but you do. Oh, you're telling me. Yes. This don't just take it from them. They're playing with it, but you do. Oh, you're telling me. Yes. This is what I'm going to do.

No, it's like, I'll sort of like lift it up, get it out of the way. Unveiled. Yes. Present, present balls and ask them to start from like the bottom and lick all the

way up. It's weird. Cause he does go now presenting balls. It's like an SNL presenter. Yeah. Exactly. I was doing. Yeah. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, balls. It's like an SNL presenter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly what I was doing. Yeah. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, balls. Ladies and gentlemen, balls. Man, I could do that all night. I think just pretend like I'm a ladies and gentlemen. Balls. Yeah, that's great. Everyone listening is like, are these guys okay? We're not.

We're not. there could be carbon monoxide in this i want to say cabin it's not a cabin it's a closet it's a closet it would be real good sleep though and i could use one is this it we do a inadvertent cabin yeah not cabin jesus christ i say we start recording in a garage and just have a car running yeah it's a race against the time and we talk a lot so it's a lot of. Yeah, it's a race against the time. And we talk a lot, so that's a lot of fucking... It's our sleepy time episode. You know the podcast where you talk

like this and you make everybody sleepy so that they can sleep to your voice and you keep it chill. So what we would do is that, but we're slowly dying. Slowly drifting off to the ultimate. Car exhaust.

Yeah. If you don't get in our Patreon, we will get in that. If we don't get one new Patreon member. I have a garage. It's true. I just got one. And a car. Not for this.

Wink. No, I don't think we can. Threaten to murder ourselves. Yeah. I take it back. I think you can pretty much say it any way that comes naturally to you as well. But I think like being like, oh,

I really like it. If you lick my balls. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's really good. You know, or being like after the fact, if you're like,

Hey, like when you gave me that, that was so good. But like next time, could I ask for a little bit more attention on my balls? Because, you know, and you gotta make sure like your balls are presentable, right?

Don't be like ours out all day. I got a big old sweaty sack. Yeah. You know, or like, oh, I've just got an untamed bush. You know what I mean? Like need to make it good for them as well. That's the thing is like, I think in my opinion, ball hair maintenance is more important than anything other,

any other sort of, because like, I wouldn't want to like just get a mouthful of puby balls. Like that sounds terrible. Yeah, I would definitely get in the way of the physical act. Yeah. So if you're looking for ball action. Balls better be ready to play. Have some respect and get the balls in in play action and or like play condition yes um i think there's there's other ways you can do it where it's like

you're a bit more active in the ask in the sense of like you know pull her hair back and like talk to her instead of asking for it while it's happening and like ask for it that way eye contact get down low you know i mean like a moment of sort of like connection to get it done as opposed to just like lying down and be like ball time can you lick my balls please like that it seems so disconnected it seems kind of depends on what you're doing but like yes match it to the mood yeah you know um and i think like i don't think anyone would be upset if if you ask for something that you want and again as long as you're not being an asshole about it, as long as you're not pushing her head down

or slapping her face with your balls, unless they're into it. Yeah, exactly. If that's what you've determined in advance, that's fine. Print out a menu and be like, as they're going down, you slip it down to eye view. You say, what would you like, madam? And one is like, a deep, deep throat blowjob. And you say, sorry, we're out of

that. And then they'd be like, oh, like butt play. And like, sorry, we're out of that too. And it's just ball licking. You're like, madam? And one is like a deep, deep throat blowjob. And you say, sorry, we're out of that. And then they'd be like, Oh, like butt playing, like, sorry, we're out of that too. And it's just ball licking. You're like coming right up.

And then you, you know? Yeah. Or perhaps you've already had your blowjob menu and you say, could I interest you in some ball dessert, coffee and ball dessert, or you do incept it. So it's like you start to edit songs.

So it's like from the window to the balls balls from the wind and it's just that to the sweat drop down my balls to the balls and balls balls mom spaghetti i'm trying to think what other side you're my wonder balls yeah and that's it just play that entire hey now you're a ball star. Get your balls on. Lick them. We're going to edit a bunch of songs up, which is, I guess. Sorry. We probably should announce this in our Patreon first, but we have a ball centric playlist, which is why we brought this question.

So if you sign up, we'll get it your way. We won't. It's a joke, but maybe. And I will always love you Ready for the next question? Yeah This is from me It's not

It's from Baked Potatoes My wife, 36-year-old female, wants me, 32-year-old male Actually, you know what? Oh, we're going to switcheroo? We're not going to read the title Remix My wife and I are planning to try to have a baby later this year. We are both taking supplements. For her, it's Elevit, and for me, it's

Menevit, as suggested by our doctor. And tonight, she asked me if I took my supplement, which I forgot to take. Sorry, were I having a stroke? What the hell did you just say? Elevit and Menevit. What does that mean? They're supplements. I don't know. Oh, okay. I did say our supplements. Sorry. She got upset because I wasn't

responsible, and then when she's pregnant she won't trust me to take care of her i agree it was my mistake of forgetting and i should have taken it we had an argument about this and i said to her she's guilt-tripping me over this when she is pregnant and i asked her whether she wanted a baby over the past six months she's voiced her concerns about having a baby and the pain and emotional rollercoaster pregnancy i admit i was not as supportive and i reflected over this realizing she was anxious and scared about this i apologized to her and said i would be more supportive we talked and she said to me men have it easy we don't have to go through pregnancy then she success then she suggested that

i have a circumcision while she's in the early stages of pregnancy so i can relate to her situation i don't feel comfortable having the surgery while she's pregnant as i want to be physically and mentally able during this time to be able to support her at the time if If I'm recovering, I know I will be irritable and it could cause an unnecessary fight, especially when hormones are volatile while pregnant. I voiced my concerns to her, but she said I was just making excuses. I'm at an impasse because I feel like she will resent me and possibly guilt trip me over this. If we do have a baby, I genuinely feel it isn't going to help benefit any of us. And I feel cornereded into doing it i want honest opinions on the situation and whether this is reasonable no it's not reasonable there is unless it's for a a medical condition there is no reason to ever be circumcised yep i mean i guess you

could go into religion but still i think it's weird man i think genital mutilation and the fact that we're okay with it for dudes is a weird fucking thing. Yep. I don't know why we're just like, yeah, cut a chunk of that baby's genitals off. Yep. That's fucked. Yep. And to be like, hey, you know what you need to do to prove that you're a cool dad is to also, as an adult, have your genitals also mutilated. Yeah.

And like, literally, it's just, I'm going to be in pain. So you have to as well. That's a really garbage fucking way to want your partnership. And look, are you telling me? No, no. I'm about to say something fucking stupid. Yeah,

no, we're kind of, we've been too douchey. We've reached our douche quota to the point where even people will think who know we're joking might be like, but maybe, but maybe, but maybe like,

imagine you were sick and it was like, okay, I'm sick. I'm having a bad time. people will think who know we're joking might be like but maybe but maybe but maybe like imagine you were sick and it was like okay i'm sick i'm having a bad time it's unfair that you're well right now so i want you to like slam your finger in the door go like a subway pole until you catch something or just like because they're not comparable really she just wants them to be in pain i guess like genital pain like you just downstairs pain like you need to hurt and suffer because i'm gonna hurt and suffer hey girl if you need your partner to be in pain for you to have a baby maybe just adopt or go to a lot of therapy and don't introduce a child to your you know whole jizz that's i mean like are you gonna do it to the baby like look i had to i

really had to suffer hey we might not believe in circumcision in this house, but you getting snipped, kid. Yeah. I need you to know what it was like to have you. What if it was a bad pregnancy? It's like, are you like, well, that's two fingers, right? Like, this is not cool in any way. It's actually terrifying. Yeah.

And like, if you feel like you not mutilating your genitals on the whim of your partner, like just because they think you aren't suffering enough in this situation is the way forward. And if you don't do this, she's going to guilt trip you and hold it against you for the rest of your life. After you have a child, I don't be with that person. We think you had a kid with the wrong person. Also, like, what if you have a second kid what gets chopped off then the rest of the dick like for real like where supercision where supercision when does it end yeah i mean like look am i going to disagree with you that

men kind of get off a little easy when it comes to the process of childbirth. Absolutely. Is that our choice? Yeah. One, we, I didn't make people. We didn't, we didn't do anything to, to get the bodies that we have or shape how our reproductive organs work. However,

that doesn't like the, the man should then use that as an opportunity to go above and beyond during the times when you're in pain. Well, that's also what she expects too she's like oh you need to be like good enough to be able to look after me and take care of me it's like is that not him filling in the gaps yeah you know what i mean is that not him doing his additional thing and it's like him getting being in pain and discomfort doesn't help anybody do

you know what a push present is a push present no so i just found out about this because uh one of our friends just had a kid and a push present is a gift that the father is sort of like obligated to get for the mother as a sorry you went through this yeah cool cool job i never knew that like if i had a kid i would have no idea that was the thing i never heard of it i don't know but you're doing tell you on your first day uh i think that's great and i think as partners like if your partner's dealing with something be it like a bad thing or a good thing i think getting them presents to celebrate and or mollify how they're feeling is just a cool thing to do and regardless of like whether it's a a monetary thing at the end of giving birth like you know like buying a like

buying something yeah not just like here's a thousand dollars i mean like you know it's your baby bonus it's you know you you spend x amount of dollars the way you would on like an engagement or whatever like it's okay no no that sucks the whole you have to spend oh yes of your like if you're trying to say you need nine months of your fucking thing like that's man it'd be that's insane the worst like advice ever to be like you need to spend three months salary just after starting your family yourself financially to get your wife something stupid no um but you know it's like a gift cost money whatever but it's like even just when your partner is going through something it could be something as easy as like making dinner. Something as easy as like making a bath.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like any, anything small like that can be just as much mean just as much as a nice bracelet or earrings or whatever. And like that is, that's, that's what being a partner is for. Right. Like if my partner. Just when you're pregnant. And it shouldn't be when, like if my partner is feeling depressed, it's not

her job to treat me like shit, so I'm also depressed. It's also not my job to... And if it was, that would be your job to leave that fucking relationship. Yeah. You support each other when you're at your weakest or when you're at your most vulnerable or when you're at your moments where you need, again,

reassurance. That's when the other partner, hopefully, is able where you need, again, reassurance. That's, that's when the other partner hopefully is able to, to lift you up. And if, and if you guys are both in bad places, it's fine, but you need to like reconcile that and be like, Oh cool.

Like we're both struggling. What are we, how are we going to approach this? What can we do? What is the, like that's, it's, it's working together and not a competition.

The second you turn it into this weird, like misery competition or or suffering game like it's it's gonna be terrible it's so fucking garbage and like again when does it end does it end with this one instance i fucking doubt it and like what if they do it and the recovery is really easy are you even like that wasn't enough what if they do it and something goes really wrong do you then have to suffer extra to make up for it like this doesn't make sense and it's fucking awful and it's wild to me that this person is like oh man i but i'm worried i won't be able to support them properly while i'm recovering it's like that you should have that's

the least yeah yeah and i like and also kind of like i get tinges of like she doesn't like the fact that he's not circumcised and he's using this i don't fucking know like it's like that also like it's it's great and like this is hey this is coming from a dude who is circumcised i like the concept of it is bewildering to me uh i have been i'm not circumcised and it is terrifying to me. Yeah. So it's like, but just know this is not how any partnership should be ever. There's no grain of goodness in this. And you need to like have a very stern conversation, which hopefully will immediately be like, yeah,

I don't know why I said that. That was a wild thing. I will never say it again, but I doubt it. So you really need to probably get the fuck out of there. Yeah. And maybe ask the question and be like, i don't know why i said that that was a wild thing i will never say it again but i doubt it so you really need to probably get the fuck out of there yeah and maybe ask the question and be like hey cool what is the if we have a second child what what is my penalty then what what quite literally is the pound of flesh that i have to pay in order to uh to you know to justify that i'm a worthy husband or whatever the fuck this is and like what else

what if i have to work longer hours yeah you know i mean like while you're at home if you're looking after the kid what if works really bad for me do i come home and go our suffering is misaligned you need to suffer more yeah like is that cool do we do that on a daily basis is going to be like a yearly suffering recap when are we gonna you know pay our suffering debt yeah like what what the fuck no if you don't want to have a kid don't have a kid yeah if you think having a kid is going to be like oh it's unfair i suffered yeah that's what having a kid is is it fair oh yeah no you think that if you think the suffering ends after you push this little squirmy guy out like you're not gonna sleep like everyone I know who has had a kid is like,

it's, it's real hard. Yeah. And like, we haven't had fun. And then they grow up and they're an asshole for at least 10 years. You know? Yeah.

It's a nightmare. Monetarily. Like there's so much in it. It's like, is that all okay? Yeah. You know, if you start to suffer equally as a family,

what if one of your friends doesn't have kids? Do you have to start like punishing them? Like does it end this is not okay get out of this relationship and don't have a kid if this is how you view life so bad that's gonna do it for our show friends thank you very much for hanging out with us we know time is tight and we appreciate you spending time with us um we as we mentioned we're taking a little break from live shows. Life is crazy for us, so we're doing a little bit of mental health as much as we can, even

though we've just put more on our plate, and that's why we're taking a break. But we will be back in the fall at some point in time, so we'll let you know when those all pop off. Other than that, thank you very much. If you want to support the show, head on over to fbuddiespodcast.com and and click the patron link and you get a bonus episode. As of these days,

we've changed up our patron episode to doing like how to guides. So, so far we've done how to go on a first date, how to go out on a night out to like meet people. Yeah. I think our next one, do we tease it? Should we tease it? Should we tease it?

Let's tease it. Yeah. Next one's going to be about breakups. And if you guys have something you want us to cover, let us know. Yeah. If you have some breakup questions, let us know. True. A hundred percent.

You ready for some bad sex writing? Yeah. This is a LinkedIn post. Oh, wait. You have to thank our boy. No. Okay. Thank you, Josh Eagle and Harvard Studios for their song, Paper Stars.

This is a LinkedIn post. Great. Your team lead might be a great women smart confident and knowledgeable but once you hear her farting you just can't respect her i like how not only is the team lead multiple women like a conglomerate of women uh but also just so gassy and also like is is the woman part the is that where it falls apart like if it was a dude or i assume multiple dudes is it fine if he's just ripping might be a great man yeah yeah uh presumably yes because they didn't say you might have a great team lead but it's hard to respect them when they fart. Yeah. It's your team lead might be a great woman. All these things.

You might have found somehow a great woman, but if she farts, it's like, go fuck yourself. Also, LinkedIn, bud. And hey, whoever this girl boss is out there just tearing ass in the office. Fucking killing it both in the farting sphere and the business sphere. It's about time we break the gas ceiling. Break the gas. Oh, Oh,

that was, Oh, is that the best joke we've ever made? Can you hit me with that again? Cause there were so many levels that I, it's about time she breaks the gas ceiling. God, it's so good.

Oh, my name is Dave Miller. We've been your fuck buddies. Fuck.