F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 307 - Boner Is Sports Mode

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

I don't think we SHOULD compare the human body to form of Crocs, but if we DID... then I think it's VERY obviously what our sport mode would be.  Topics include girlfriend's cartoon sex noises, how to feel a flaccid penis, creampie boundaries, a disturbing kink preference. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies

I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller And I'm Niall Spain And we're your fuck buddies We are a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations.

And we're here in your ears, like always, every Monday, many other times and places, to give you advice. I'm trying to like read my questions, but out of the peripheral of my vision, all I see is your exposed chest. You went topless for our last record. I'm putting them down. We weren't in the same room. No, I still have one button, two buttons. You went topless for our last record. I'm putting them down. We weren't in the same room, though. No, I still have one button, two buttons. You're welcome. It's practically still on.

It's practically still on. And not one nipple is poking out. It's true. Yeah. That's when we have to change our guidelines. Yeah. That's the thing. This is still a PG podcast.

Yeah, it's definitely not. We find questions online are roaming our audience's minds, and we answer them here. And we love you. We figured out a way to, almost like Psychonauts or Scott Pilgrim, find a door into your... We actually were given permission. We can say it's a Magic School Bus situation. It is. We get real small, and we go inside your brain, and we find your dirty sex questions.

Yeah. We stole the Magic School Bus. But it's cool. Ms. Rizzle's actually rad and was like, you know, you can just borrow it. Like, she hunted us down. I thought she was gonna kill us, but then she was like, oh, you just wanna fucking go into people's minds? It's crazy that they haven't done a live-action Magic

School Bus, right? Like a movie? Too hot. What? Ms. Rizzle's too hot. They can't do it. But, like, that's what I'm saying. No, they can't leave. You could get the hottest redhead. And then still wouldn't live up to it. Or you would finally hit those peaks and then we'd all die. That's fine. If the way the world ends is because we made a too hot Miss Frizzle,

I think that is literally best case scenario when you look at all the ways that we are currently hurtling towards our own death. Well, that's the thing. It's like there's a lot of people who are making a lot of strides towards ending the world. And it would be really great if the Too Hot Miss Frizzle camp could, like, put in a little bit more work. Because I feel like they've been lagging behind. Yeah. Yeah.

But this week, we're going to be talking about girlfriend makes sound effects during sex. Hell yeah. How to touch a soft dick. He says, coming in me is a boundary. What should I do? And a disturbing kink preference. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

We're going to start with this. This is by Mentaltale8908. My girlfriend does sound effects during sex. That kills the mood. A couple hours ago, we were having sex. She actually made the hawk tua sound, and it took me right out. It was cartoonish. We still had sex, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.

She's made other sounds before. Lots of onomatopoeia. She said yoink while reaching into my pants and made a boing sound when she's getting on top of me. One time when I finished, she literally made the ka-ching sound of a cash register. When I asked why she did that, she said money shot. It was cute at first

but it's starting to turn me off. She doesn't do it every time but enough that I think I should bring it up to her. Has anyone else had a girl make noises in bed? Are you fucking Roger Rabbit? What the hell is happening? She's the live action something. Yeah, this is...

Look, when you first said it, I was like, this is hilarious and very funny. And now that we've gone through it, it's hilarious and very funny. But I do get the idea of sometimes when you're feeling extra frisky and someone is making cartoon 1960s Batman. And you're going to come too quick.

Yeah, you're going to finish too fast. Wham! Whack! Whack! Whack! Off! I get it that boing isn't necessarily the... I think there's a time and a place. And the time and place is when you're naked climbing on top of someone and your titties that boing isn't necessarily the like i think there's a time and a place like

and the time and place is when you're naked climbing on top of someone and your titties go boing i don't know if i don't know if the titties were making the book i think she was like tigger style making a spring out of her ass and she was the boinging oh she's like boinging and i thought it was like as she climbed on it was like a boing no i think maybe it was just his boner was like a boing yeah i think I think... Maybe it was just his boner was like a boing. Yeah, I think she was... Guys, this is why we always say more context. This is an easy solve. In my opinion, you just say,

hey, I do find your sound effects charming, but can we maybe limit them a little bit? And they do take me out of the mood. But she's so silly that she's gonna know now that her silliness is getting to you and double down on it maybe i think you gotta return fire but you can't do it back to her because that would be what she wants you gotta like return

fire in it with a different gun so have you seen the like the gen z hamilton things no i'm gonna send them to you later because they're a nightmare. But it's rewritten Hamilton songs, but he's just talking about Riz and like gooning a lot. I don't even know what gooning is. And it's so incredibly painful. I think it's called the

Mind Rot or whatever. Okay. It's unlistenable. It's a nightmare. Yeah. And you got to do that. Or alternatively, if you want to stick in this sort of, you know, golden age of cartoons situation, you need like an acne.

Yeah. Yeah. Drop a whole fucking safe or piano on her. Like, that's what funny now is it? Boing. That's what boings are an offer. It hits you.

Well, that's what I'm thinking. It's like, you've got to have like, give, have like a sign prepared. I'll, uh, Wiley coy thinking. It's like you've got to have a sign prepared a la Wile E. Coyote. And every time she does a sound effect, be like,

where's the mute button? Or the give me a break. Or what if you just have a sign that has the mute symbol on it? I think if you pull that up by cartoon logic, it'll just cut out her volume. But all I can think about is you say this to her and she's like, I can't, I can't

believe it. And she just runs through the wall and there's just a perfect shape of her. There's like a cloud of smoke. She runs out the window and you're like, oh no. It's like, what, what? And you go, but, and then she looks down and she goes, oh, it falls. We need someone to animate that. Yeah, this horrible breakup

that just goes... I guess while the carts are lugged, she's not going to die. So that's good. No, she ends up flat on an accordion. Yeah, and you gotta get her. Yeah. Or you just have to pry her up off the ground like a snow shovel. Yeah. So if you're in Canada, you're fine. Anywhere else? I'm sure there's

like... America's got crowbars, right? All Americans have have crowbars he's got thin glocks to slide her off the side you have your prying gun right uh yeah i this isn't an issue i think like you just need to talk to your partner and be like hey can we cool it with the onomatopoeia and then if they don't want to if this is a big part of their sexual identity, then maybe you just aren't suitable partners. And that's the thing. I think it only really becomes a problem if you have this conversation and they won't

listen to you or don't care. Yeah. That's when it becomes a problem. Up till this point, you've made our jobs very easy because we get to make a bunch of jokes about the cartoon lady and then we go talk to her, you fucking idiot. Yeah, just have a conversation with her um because it's i'd be chill don't be like slurping that coffee i am daddy needs his brown juice i thought there was more left than there was and then i know big old

suck and it just went right up me yeah good words that i want to hear while you're shirtless don't show your nipple we can't have that on the podcast oh man now he showed me both his nipples yeah um it's getting hot in here and not in the usual it's 40 degrees way this is a good segue uh how to touch a soft dick um so this is a little stupid but i'm genuinely confused haha i would like to initiate with my boyfriend by just grabbing his junk but what am i supposed to do after that should i just suck it should i do something else is it awkward for a girl to touch you when you're not or when you're soft how long does it take for him to get hard would it be awkward would this be an awkward way to initiate i'm just worried he wouldn't like it or wouldn't get hard.

Okay, so I think timing, as with any sexual come on, you know what I mean? You're like, hey, I want to fuck you. And they're like, it's been a long day and they just got home and it's sweaty and your air con broke. And they just flopped down the couch and their pet just died. They may not want to fuck at that point. And that's fine so it's like there could be times where you just go and you grab an old dick and maybe through surprise or external factors they're not down for it that's possible also like just to extrapolate further than that like even if they're like are they working from home are they playing video games

with their friends yes right like there's all sorts of scenarios where like or like if i'm cooking like if you come up and grab my dick, it's like, I can't just oil. I just can't stop making this. Like, just let it burn to fuck you. Right.

Like there's times and places. And like, it's, it's such a misconception. We've talked about a lot on the show where it's like, men are ready to go all the time, which I don't think is the case for most dudes. Like sex is great. Especially

age dependent. Time dependent. Situation dependent. Surprise dependent. Everything. So let's just take that into account. First step. Step two. You don't have to go straight for the dick. That is what seems to be the move here.

And I don't think... Unless you guys are like 16 years old and a stiff breeze is going to is all you really need to get going, I think that's a bad move no matter what. To just cold call the dick with your hand, because it's just like

No one, like, soft dick is, like, that's your utility function. You know what I mean? Imagine you're a pair of crocs right you're not in sports mode yet sports mode is boner right so sometimes if someone's sports mode is boner uh if someone just grabs like i've had people just like straight up grab it and you go from like oh great someone's grabbing my dick to also like oh no it's not hard which isn't like a great like mode to be in to get hard you don't want to be like out of your own head or or self-conscious or anything yeah right so it's like by all means

be aggressive and sexual and whatever but like maybe start with like the upper thigh for a hot second you know what i mean and like you can you can definitely put up put a high hand and a little stroke and a move over and you can do that and it's practically the same thing but you're letting that to breathe you're giving it a minute to wake up you know what i mean that's the thing it's like one most dudes aren't rocking full confidence with a flaccid penis right and and it's and there's no shame in it and there's no like whatever but it's just like this is as as Nell said, like this isn't our sexy, our sexy activation mode. It's like so all of a sudden you're touching us in a sexual way when we're not in a sexual mood.

It's more or less the same. Like just a finger going right in. Yeah. With a little less pain. Right. Like it's but like, you know, there's a reason we warm each other up. There's a reason foreplay exists. There's a reason.

And as Nell said, doesn't have to be a lot it doesn't have to be 15 20 30 minutes of dedicated foreplay it could be something as simple as like a kiss and a whisper in the ear and then a hand wandering down right like that is probably enough and even just like the slightest lead up to this we'll get the process going you You don't have to be like, Oh, still not a hundred percent hard yet, but it's like, it gives them a second to get their brain on their body in line.

And it also gives them an opportunity to say no or, or private, right? Like consent. It doesn't matter how like sexy and spontaneous you want to be. And it doesn't matter whether this is your partner or your husband or something you've been with for ages and years, if they don't want to,

they're not obligated, but like just throwing them into that position makes them feel like they don't have a choice right it's like oh you want to have sex so i guess i gotta have sex now and it's hard as a guy to say no to sex it is right both from like the fact that people get really weird about it but also you've kind of been conditioned that if you do you're not like a man right or you're like and then you get worried like are they gonna feel like i don't want it or am i gonna say this and now they're never gonna initiate again and how many times we've seen that yes a million fucking times because that yeah also a lot of times it is rare that someone initiates you're like fuck i can't say no because then i'll cut that off or like you do feel that like

and you like sex too but it was a lot easier to say no when there's I'll cut that off. Or like you do feel that like, nah, I need like sex too, but it was a lot easier to say no. When there's a hand on your leg, then a hand on your dick. Yeah. That's like furiously trying to get you hard. It's like,

yeah. Okay. Uh, so I think this is a bad tactic to just go into. I think take the, take the notes that we have just said, you know, lean into it, give them a bit of a breathing room, give them a bit of

a ripcord to pull if they're not feeling it. And it's not even much. It's literally start a couple inches to the left or right, kiss their neck, whisper in their ear, like even just like a 10 second, you know what I mean? Like give them warning, lead up, build up, smoothness, and there's

no difference in hotness yeah you're still saying i want to fuck you i'm touching you in a risque area and i'm building up to something you're just giving them a chance to get on board as opposed to just like grabbing them by surprise and then them having to be like oh okay shit and again they might be like oh no that's not how my dick's meant to be when it's being grabbed and then you don't want that to be take like you know what i mean 100 throwing someone into insecurity mode of being like oh i need to get my dick hard because it doesn't matter how you could be the world's like fastest erection man but the second that like that pressure is on you that can fuck with you and our bodies and our brains like to really fuck with it's

specifically our penises it's how it's almost like how being like oh i can't get hard right now will almost guarantee a boner yeah especially when you're younger but like it's the opposite it is literally the anti-boner feeling of like oh that shouldn't be or like oh fuck i gotta so just give him give him a room to breathe you'll be totally fine and there's no fundamental difference you're still being aggressive and sexual yeah you're just making it a room to breathe. You'll be totally fine. And there's no fundamental difference. You're still being aggressive and sexual. Yeah. You're just making it a little bit more chill in a good way. No one is going to be upset.

Yeah. I was like, you grabbed my upper thigh. You didn't just fall on and grab my dick. Oh, you're surprising me with sex within 30 seconds as opposed to immediately. Yeah. It's such a non-issue. Yeah. to immediately. It's such a non-issue, but the change is so monumental in terms of

putting them into a better position to be receptive to this move. 100p. Boyfriend, this is by wearymonitor1278. My 21-year-old female boyfriend, 26-year-old male, says coming in me is a boundary. What should I do? I've had an

IUD the entire time. And my boyfriend, my boyfriend and I have been together and has caused me nothing but problems with my hormones and severe cramping at random times. And my period is really irregular since I've had the IUD the whole time we've been together. I have always let him and wanted him to finish in me during sex. Now,

since I'm getting my IUD removed and it is recommended not to have sex for a week before getting it removed to prevent pregnancy, me and my boyfriend, but arguing nonstop, I have a very high libido, so does he, so I've been asking to have sex still with protection, or at least for him to pull out, and he says no, which is fine, but stated that the reason he's saying no is I'm breaking a boundary because he needs to come in me and by not letting him come in me, I'm hurting him. He's also getting upset because I keep trying to initiate sex, but I insist on using protection, which he doesn't believe in using. Last night, we got into another heated argument about this, and I went outside for a walk to take a breather. When I got

home, I guess he didn't hear me come back, because when I walked into his room, he was bawling his eyes out crying with his dick out watching porn. For context, watching porn is something I've never been comfortable with, and he promised me he doesn't do. The more I think about it, the more I feel like this is his way of getting back at me for breaking his boundary. Now, I do feel bad because I kept asking because I've been super horny, and he told me it's a no unless he can come in me. I keep pressuring him

on the topic, but I feel like he's being unreasonable. It's like, well, what are we going to do when my IUD is out? I guess we'll just never have sex again? What are the ages of these people? She's 21, he's 26. Okay. Yikes. again what are the ages of these people 20 she's 21 he's 26 okay uh yikes i doesn't say how long they've been together uh no okay well i mean i don't think it really matters no it really it could be a day and and it could be 10 years um you when at first it like i thought the boundary

it sounded like the opposite like yeah i don't want to yes that's is funny because that's a boundary you can put yes yeah no it's not a boundary you can put up yeah um i don't think this guy understands what boundaries are like i don't get to set the boundaries for another person's body right like you get to set your boundaries what you're comfortable with you don't get to impose boundaries i'm being like no now that i've you i've gotten to do this thing once or twice or however many times before that is now a requirement for every other time we do it's like that's not how boundaries work at all not uh he's doing that thing that the douchiest of men seem to be picking up in the last few years

which is weaponizing therapy speak so he's like he heard boundaries are like a thing you're not meant to like you know cross and he's like oh fuck yeah it's a boundary that you give me ten dollars a day yeah like it's a boundary that you make my dinner every day like what dude also the the like walk-in of him bawling his eyes out okay while jerking off and watching porn like that to me is not a healthy thing to do i have you ever bawled your eyes out while jerking it i don't know if i could like i like i literally don't think i have like the mental receptors to be i mean we just talked about erections and stuff and i think if i was so upset that i was bawling my eyes out and my first instinct is go to porn and get hard and like i think that there's something there and again i'm not a professional i'm not a therapist you're not

professional cry wanker but there is something there that is deeply troubled in my opinion well i think a lot of the shit here is in terms of like you don't believe in protection what does that mean yeah like i'm sorry we try to be do we try to become we do mostly but like that's the stupidest shit i've ever heard you don't believe in it it exists bud like i can buy you some right now yeah every corner also you're using an iud yeah that's protection like that is a form of contraceptive. So it's like you just, what? You don't believe in condoms?

You don't believe in contraception for yourself? Yeah. Also, like what are you going to do when this IUD is gone? Or also currently, you just want to get pregnant? Like, are you fucking dumb? Yeah. You know what sucks more than not getting to cum raw on somebody? A kid. You want to be crying and jerking it?

Guess what? You can't. They'll bust in. They'll be like, daddy's crying. What's he doing? It You want to be crying and jerking it? Guess what? You can't. They'll bust in. They'll be like, Daddy's crying! What's he doing? It's going to be terrible. Yeah. Also, if I was jerking it and then I start crying, I would just

lose my boner. What do you think happened first? Do you think he was jerking it and then started crying, or do you think he was crying and was like, I need to jerk it? I can only assume he started jerking it and then started crying. I'm assuming he started doing it and was like, I need to jerk it? I can only assume he started jerking and then started crying. I'm assuming he started doing it and then he was just like, it's not the same. And started bawling. Okay.

I don't know. For whatever reason, I thought it was the other way around. Where like, he was crying and he was so upset. He's like, the only way that's going to calm me down is a good cry jerk. Because if I was crying and I was like, oh, I'm so horny. I think it would stop me crying. I'd be like, all right, well. Yeah, I don't know.

I can't imagine where two, they both intersect. But the best part is this is a third option where he's not only doing this, but he's doing it to like get back at her. Like it's a punishment cry wank. Well, look, I can almost guarantee you this guy's been watching porn like if his idea of boundaries is him coming inside you this guy's watching porn the entire relationship regardless of whether or not you're comfortable with it you know i mean like i would be very surprised if this was his you know yeah and moment of weakness and he broke his his promise um the the solution is simple have a conversation with him very firmly being like, here's the situation.

I don't want to get pregnant and I don't want to have sex without protection while we are not using other forms of contraceptive. If that is not acceptable for you, like you don't have any right over my body. I get to decide what happens with my body and collaboratively we get to decide what we want to do together. If you are like the boundary here is me saying i don't want to have sex without protection he doesn't then get to say well my boundary is i get to come like and if he doesn't understand that then you you have to you cannot date a man who does not understand you you have to understand that like this relationship is going to be bad yeah and it will forever be bad it's already bad if yes it will continue to be bad. And it will forever be bad. It's already bad. Yes.

It will continue to be bad if he doesn't understand quite literally the definition of a boundary. And if he continues to push on it, just be like, okay, great. Good news. You never have to worry about this again because we won't be having sex because we're done.

And be like, my boundary is I don't want to see you anymore. So there has been an update since I found this question. Okay. Where she brought it up to him and he cried and doubled down saying that coming in his woman is important and brought up that it's one of his boundaries again and that she broke up with him. Great.

Which is good because... Kick ass. Yep. Oh, apparently he also did it to deter her from taking out her IUD. What a wonderful non-manipulative thing to do. Yeah. So you can't like boundaries are a thing you get to enforce for yourself. You don't get to, as Dane said, be like, well, I get to do whatever I want.

It's a boundary. Yeah. That's not it. And you know, you fucking know. Don't deal with people trying to weaponize this fucking therapy speak against you. Yeah. This is P loser. How do you like is in P like a piss?

He would like the letter P less fun. How to deal when new girlfriend has a disturbing kink preference. I've been dating 28 year old female. They have a name here. I assume it's a fake one, but I'm just going to skip over it because I don't think it ever comes up again for several months and have explored several different things together. month she wanted to have sex while extremely intoxicated intoxicated alcohol mainly not just tipsy but falling down drunk normally our sex is far from vanilla vanilla

but this seemed troubling in that she would not be able in or to give consent uh give or take in the condition uh she was extremely uninhibited when we finally did it. Almost feral. I mean, I had scratches in several places, even a couple bite marks that broke the skin. The next morning, she was nursing a hangover, but remembered everything. She expressed some disappointment that I had not been more into it, and asked me next time

to be a little rougher and just use her like a piece of meat. She did apologize for biting me so hard, but said I should bite her in certain places, and if it left marks, she would love it. Last week, we went to a club, and she had already expressed that she would probably overindulge, and it was up to me to take her home when I thought she'd had too much.

She did just that, got intoxicated quickly, and doing things on the dance floor that drew warnings from the staff, and I got her home with a repeat of the last time. She is already talking about doing it again and going out a couple of weeks from now and doing a repeat. And she wants to film it next time. We did have sex in between her drunken fantasy nights and she made it all about me,

which I preferred, but this has evolved into something I don't feel comfortable with. And she shows no signs of slowing things down. I feel like we aren't sexually compatible anymore, and I don't think there is any chance of getting the genie back in the bottle. Well, I think if you don't want to try, then just don't, right? Like,

we always say you can or how to, but, like, if you don't want to, that's fine. Well, I think the problem is he's done it. I don't know. I'm not sure he has, just based on what he was saying. But he specifically says he did it. Like, twice. I don't know. I'm not sure he has. Yeah. Just based on what he was saying. Like, what? He specifically says he did it. Like, twice. I don't know. It feels like to be like,

it seemed to me like he didn't have an in-depth conversation. No, I mean like, he's already had sex with her while blackout. Oh, okay. We're talking about very different things. Okay, sorry. He says there's no getting the genie back in the bottle. It seems to me like he's given up on the situation. Sorry, I thought you were saying that they hadn't. No. No, no, no. I'm saying if you don't want to try to get the genie back in the bottle. Oh, it seems to me like he's given up on the situation. Sorry. I thought you were saying that they hadn't.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying if you don't want to try to get the genie, like if you've just given up, fucking break up.

Like I'm never going to tell someone to, to do a thing they're not willing to do. Right. If you want to try, you need to have a conversation about this. If you don't just fucking break up. That's step one. If you've given up,

if you don't want to try, if you're like, well, whatever, it's too late. Just fucking break up. Yeah. If't want to try, if you're like, well, whatever, it's too late, just fucking break up. Yeah. If you want to, you need to be like, hey, one, stop doing things you're uncomfortable with. If they're intoxicated and you're

not down with that or like you're worried that they can't consent in that case, you know, seems like they're more than willing. But I also understand if somebody reaches a point. I mean, I still like I I am so uncomfortable if my partner is drunk even if i'm drunk even if we've been together for ages like with with my past partner there

was times where like i i wasn't as on the same level and i would just have to be like not tonight like it just like the the idea of it weirds me out so much and i know that like i have consent but the idea of like it's so hardwired into my brain that that like it's it's not for me yeah so like the idea of like i definitely having someone black out no that's fine i i would not be able to like i literally could not perform i don't think like for me, what this says about me, I'm rarely the one who's less drunk. So there's that. But also like,

I haven't really had many partners who drink very much. Um, and even if it does, like I, you know, if I'm blackout, I don't know. It's,

it's, it's not a situation that's come up for me very much because either we're roughly the same level or okay. Or like, I very rarely had a partner who's more drunk than me or they've been drunk and i've been sober um but if you're uncomfortable or if it's at this dangerous state one you probably shouldn't have sex with them and two if you don't want to don't don't just like well it happened again and we did it it's like you're acting as if you're not like involved and like there's there's

also like inherent like risks to it outside of like your you know uh status and and legalities and yada yada but it's like if someone's drank that much like they could be sick and start choking on their own like depending on like positions right like there's so much that's going on here that could go wrong they if they're blackout and can barely stand and they try to move and slip and fall yeah like there's like the general safety concerns, if they're blackout and can barely stand and they try to move and slip and fall. Yeah. Like there's like the general safety concerns, but if you're worried about those things, it seems insane to me to be like, well, I can't let them stand up because they might injure themselves. Better fuck them. Like that's not cool. So yeah. All that aside, like again,

just you're acting like you have no responsibility and you're just doing it. If you're uncomfortable, talk about it. And like, I mean like have an in-depth conversation. Be like, Hey, this is a new thing you're doing. I would like to talk about it. Like, do you not feel uninhibited enough to do these things when you're sober? Because we can work on that. Like I'm okay. If you want to do X, Y, or Z again, if you're okay with X, Y, and Z. If you're not, that's the same conversation. You just say you're not and you figure it out and just be like, I'm not comfortable with you getting so fucked up, especially with regularity and then expecting to have the sex because I don't want to when you're messed up. And two, like, it seems like you're a different person then. So it is further worrying me because either these are things you want to do, but don't feel comfortable enough to do them. Or these are things you don't want to do. And then you're so fucked up that you're just doing them and either way that's a disconnect and like the the fundamentals of kink exploration is communication and consent so if they're so fucked up that they can't mumble a safe word yeah or you know i mean like if they're in and out of consciousness because they're so drunk especially

with the the ask of being like i want you to be rough with me and you'd be like a piece of meat like that would be I couldn't be a harder no on that because we talked about this what last week do whatever you want to me or whatever yeah exactly so the fact that they also cannot as Dane said talk about it in the moment but more importantly are too

repressed or embarrassed or whatever to talk about it when they're sober you just can't you simply cannot engage in this shit to enter into a realm of rough sex where the the lines of consent are already blurred just inherently because of the intoxication you're in such a dangerous position of hurting them of getting in trouble legally because like all it takes is like you take it one step too far she wakes up with a black eye. She doesn't remember why. Or she sins consent or anything.

And even if, or she gets really into the choking and presses the wrong way and crushes her fucking larynx. If something happens, you're going to look like absolute shit. Cause they were blackout drunk. Yeah. And they're going to do it.

Yes. And it sucks to like take someone's kink and filter it into like why it's bad for you as, as the dude, but like it's, it's bad for you as, as the dude. But like, it's, it's even then like this is vice versa. Like it works for anyone where you have to be one,

like two things. You have to be responsible enough to take care of your partner and responsible enough to take care of yourself. And in this case, zero of those things. Yeah. Especially with the idea of like, look,

you've been seeing this person for a short time and I don't want to get too dark and too conspiratory, but you've, you've, this this person for a short time and i don't want to get too dark and too conspiratory but you've you've this is a new person several months and they want to get you on video fucking her blackout drunk and however you want and be really rough that's a horrible video i didn't think about the video part the video part's also weird like this whole thing is weird you You need to... One, imagine you guys have a bad breakup, and she has this video of you...

Are you a political candidate? Yeah, like, it's such a... Wait, is she a couch? It's such a bad fucking idea to... Is she a couch? Yes, I heard the... It's very funny. Yeah, this is bad.

I don't really agree with the... Although the video thing is weird. It's a strange next step. But look, you're uncomfortable with it. Don't do it. It's unsafe. Don't do it. She won't communicate to you what she wants, and this is a thing that requires communication.

Don't do it. That should be a hard line for kink. If the person who wants to engage in a kink with you, and they don't want to talk about it in terms of safety, in terms of outside the sexual situation, then don't do it. You're not mature enough to do it. That's the hard and fast rule.

It could be something as simple as role play. If it's a kink, that needs to be... It could be as simple as sex. If you're trying to have a conversation with someone and they can't talk about sex, I'm like, oh no, like I'm shy. Like, oh, I can't like, cool. You're not mature enough to have sex.

Yeah. You need to be able to talk about it. Yeah. I don't care if this offends you. Nope. You need to be able to. Yeah. If you shy away and can't have a conversation about it, then you need to figure out why.

Yeah. And I highly recommend a therapist because there is something there that is blocking you from having an adult mature conversation about an adult mature act. Yeah. I think we have time for two more, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Um, I'll hit you with this by Jay Gatsby 52. Another celebrity on the podcast. Wow. Help! I need someone to my date said my eccentricities were charming is that code for run for the hills hey everyone i'm in the middle of a pickle oh boy i need your express your expertise on something that's been driving me absolutely bananas last week i went on a date with someone i met through a book club yes the moment we discussed obscure 19th century Russian

novels. Not the cool sci-fi one. Everything seemed to be going well until we hit this awkward moment where they described my eccentricities. Eccentricities? Why can't I say that word? Eccentricities? As charming. Now, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or if I should just start preparing for an exorcism.

Here's the lowdown. The setting. We went to a quaint cafe that serves artisanal cheese infused coffee yes the thing it's delicious i arrived early as per my ritual to inspect the cafe's wallpaper for any imperfections there's a certain squareness to it that can be unsettling if not aligned properly okay this has got to be a fucking joke right is a maybe this is a joke there's no way this is fucking real. Maybe it is. How long is it? It's very long, yeah. Jesus Christ. You're just scrolling for like two minutes there. There's no way that this isn't a fucking joke. It's possible.

I didn't really read it fully. I just was like, yeah, whatever. You know what? Let's talk about what we got so far, because I don't really want to go into all this. Yeah, holy shit, that's long. And maybe that's an indication that they are a big weirdo, because I think if you wanted to farm karma, you would give you something readable. Yeah.

Either way, we've had so many questions like this. Charming is a good word. Okay. If you're so scared of any feedback about anything about you, then perhaps going into the dating world or pursuing romantic interests might not be for you. Like if, if any sort of word,

especially ones that have positive connotations are going to set you to spiral and, and obsess and like freak out and hyper fixate, then there is something in your history or, or whatever that's brain that's going to be bad for you. When it gets to the bad words of rejection and, you know, someone saying,

Oh, I like, I just don't feel it. We don't have the chemistry. We don't have the spark. We don't have whatever, even if it's delivered nicely, if you're fucking freaking out,

writing walls of text because someone called you charming, then you're going to have a bad time in the dating world no matter what. Because what happens when someone says, oh, you're really hot. Oh, I had a great time tonight. Or like, you're a bit weird. Or like, what if someone's playful? Like, you weirdo, but it's meant with love.

You're going to fucking implode and never talk to that person again. But guess what? The majority of dating is kind of like playful ribbon right yeah so it's like if you can't handle what seems to be a nice thing someone said to you it's a bad sign yeah so and and i don't know look we're gonna operate under so you know it's funny we're like oh my god i can't believe this nice thing would total you they're gonna listen the episode be like, they wouldn't even read my question. I'm so weird. They think I'm fake. Hey, if that's the case, look, if this

is the way you present yourself, I'm not going to say it's charming. I'm going to say it's insufferable. And like, that's you. You want advice? You want to go on the internet and ask? Yeah. Like, sorry, but if you need to browbeat people over how quirky you are, over how whatever, let that shine. But like, sorry, but if you need to browbeat people over how quirky you are,

over how whatever, let that shine. But like, if the reason, like, you going to the cafe early to inspect the wallpaper because it doesn't line up correctly, it has nothing to do, I assume, with this question.

Unless she catches you and be like, hey, what the fuck are you doing with your... Yeah, we'll never know. We'll never know. Are you sure? I could read this for unless she catches you and be like hey what the fuck are you doing with your do we day yeah we'll never know we'll never know but like are you sure I can read this for the next 72 minutes even just the fucking length yeah not even that the the fucking like oh at a book club where we talk about old Russian it's like why are you so

desperate it's very like me I'm not like other girls but in the like quirky like fucking yeah like you're the guy who fucking brought a briefcase to school and made sure everyone knew that you had a briefcase. You know what I mean? Like you seem to be doing the things for outward approval or outward perception as opposed to doing the things that matter to you.

Because again, I have weird little things, but if i was telling this story i wouldn't be like oh i tried to time the the subway doors opening with my finger tapping it it's something i do it's an interesting or idiosyncrasy thing that i do chose this moment to boast about that right like i but like if i was telling a story about getting on the subway i wouldn't include it because it's not pertinent to the you're not douchebag because i'm not douchebag insufferable yeah i'm not charming i don't think any of your shit is charming all right let's do let's do surround sound right there uh let's do one last one all right we have an audience question uh subject the ongoing saga of dating um so i suffer from facial paralysis on the left side and damage on that side of the body it's

been something i've dealt with since bert so i thought i'd figured out how to deal with it like most people don't say anything and if i want to explain to someone at some point i'll mention it but it's not something that usually affects my day-to-day so i've just been enjoying scrolling tinder because it's become what i do when i can't focus to read and the two different people who brought this up made me feel so self-conscious that I actually deleted Tinder. So two different people had asked if I had oral cancer, is that what's wrong? And you know, they have plastic surgery to fix cancer damage. If you didn't know that, like, is this a thing guys actually think would work? Like making someone so self-conscious, I ended up calling my on-call ER vet friend, who was the only person I knew who'd

be up at that ungodly hour sobbing because it sent me back to high school and hating myself. So my question is, how do I move past it? And is this a thing guys actually think works? Is there a dating app that totally goes off your podcast viewing slash Netflix viewing? Because guys, I could go for that. That would be pretty cool, honestly. We would have the best people matching. It's true.

Okay, what you're experiencing, and I want to say this and i don't want you to think i'm being a dick uh you're experiencing the internet because the internet is filled with garbage people who have no consequence what they say there's no real world like effect to what they say i promise you these idiots would never say this to you in person, but they're saying it because they have the sort of screen thing because they're being like, I feel safe.

The unfortunate fact is some people are idiots, and some people are assholes, and these people are both. And that sucks. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck, but these guys, they suck. They fucking suck uh and that sucks that doesn't mean it doesn't suck but like these guys they suck they fucking suck and that's what you've encountered is two people who just suck shit and unfortunately you're again you're a woman on a dating app yeah it does not matter oh yeah these

these two guys they if it wasn't that it was something else yeah right like there's there's plenty like i you talk to any woman who has a dating profile and some man has said something terrible about them and probably about their appearance because they think they are obligated to, or entitled to, or just again, they're bitter and shitty. And as Dane said,

this is consequence free. So they can say whatever the fuck they want. They don't have to mean it, but they know like they're safe. They don't need the balls to like walk up and say it to someone's face. I promise you, nine times out of ten, half the things that men say to women, they wouldn't have the fucking

courage to say to someone's face. And even if they did, it would still be because they're dumb idiots. So I'm sorry. I'm really sorry this happened to you. And especially it's always worse when it is a thing that you are insecure about or that you have to deal with and like that's when it hits harder because these are again they're gonna say something dumb and stupid and asshole-ish and unfortunately they've done it

about a thing that you are self-conscious about yeah and it sucks when people manage to find that thing that brings you back to a time you know when it really hit you hard yeah when you're at your lowest yeah i'm really sorry and that sucks and these people are fucking piece of shit thing that brings you back to a time you know, when it really hit you hard Yeah, when you're at your lowest. Yeah. I'm really sorry, and that sucks, and these people are a fucking piece of shit. And they suck. How do you get past it? I think you have to realize that, like, it's

like advice, you know what I mean? If you talk to someone, or if somebody came up to you and just said, hey, you should do this. But you're like, oh, you make bad decisions and you suck, and your life's a mess. And also you've never done the thing I'm doing. You wouldn't take their advice, right? You would be like, okay. And then you'd move on. Whereas like, you know, you listen to two guys on a podcast to, uh, you'd take their advice, but it's like insults and shit like that. I know it's a lot harder to do, but it's like, if someone comes up to you and says

something like this, like they suck, they suck shit. They're a dumb idiot. As I've spoken, as I said before, why would you take what they say seriously? And I know again, it's easier said than done, but it's like, if you wouldn't take advice from someone because they're bad at whatever, why would you take criticism from someone who's being a dick on purpose? You know what I mean? And also like they are fundamentally in the same position as you,

right? They are single on a dating app. So like, as I said, like, it's not like they are relationship gurus who have like, you know, got their perfect partner and living a perfect life or whatever.

Like they, in terms of like just status, y'all are on the same level. So like further now's point, it, anything they say has about as much weight as, as literally anything else. Like,

so you need to, it's so hard because you know what we're saying, right? So that's the thing. What I'm saying isn't exactly groundbreaking and saying it is one thing. Doing it is just, and there's nigh impossible. Plenty of afterschool specials that deal with bullying and this kind of stuff. I think like

therapy, right? Therapy can help you build yourself up. And I think that's always good when you can do it. I do think you can always work on it yourself and be like, if this person's a piece of shit, why would I listen? Fuck them? You know what I mean? Cause again, that's, that's two people. And I'm sure there's a number of other people who've seen your profile or interacted with you and they haven't said shit so it's like don't let these two pieces of shit i'm trying so hard not to use worse words yeah uh you ruin that for you because fuck them right like they're miserable little assholes yeah and again why would you listen to what a miserable little asshole has to say right two i'm sorry that sucks it really does and that's the thing it like, for all you can tell yourself,

there are things I'm really insecure about that I try to get past and try to ignore. And even me doing my little speech a second ago, if somebody says it, I'm like, it gets me. I try to pretend it doesn't, you know what I mean? But of course it does. So, you know, don't make it

seem like I have it figured out or that I can do it. can't it's always a battle but knowing that these are just fucking miserable little shitheads helps and again i think framing it in the way of like looking at the app that you're on and knowing that you're not the only woman that these idiots have said something to and just realizing that it's not, it's not you. They're not like laser focused homing missile finding you and finding what you think are your faults and what they may think are your faults. It's them carpet bombing every woman they match with, with garbage and stupid bullshit. Right. And I'm not trying to diminish what happened to you

or what, how it affected you what i'm trying to do is broaden your scope because right now you feel like these two people have said something really mean to me but those two people have said probably really mean things to a ton of women and it won't be the first time it won't be the last time and once you realize that there are people out there who are just out there to be a piece of shit, the way that bullies are out there because they feel bad about themselves nine times out of ten. Yeah. Right. This validates them.

And letting them get to you only serves to validate them further. So, once again, impossible to just say, don't let it bother you. Yeah. Right. Like, that's the easy answer. And that is the answer, but it's not an easy thing to do. What you need to do is sort of contextualize. And I find that that's always helped me with my insecurities and things that have bothered me is I try to like stop and zoom out. And if I can see a pattern of that person doing it

elsewhere, then I know... It's less personal. Yeah, it's like, it's all of a sudden not an attack on me. It's a fault of theirs. Well, that's kind of where I'm coming from, just in a different way. If you're just a piece of shit, yeah, of course you're going to do this, and it has no bearing on me.

Whereas if Dane turned around to me and said something really hurtful, the good thing about my philosophy is then it also wouldn't matter, because Dane wouldn't say it unless he was a piece of shit. If he's a piece of shit, who cares? Fuck you, Dane turned around to me and says something really hurtful, the good thing about my philosophy is then it also wouldn't matter because Dane wouldn't say it unless he was a piece of shit. If he's a piece of shit, who cares? Fuck you, Dane. Yeah. No, but for real, it's like if Dane said something to me, it would, it would really hurt.

Yeah. If a random on the street yells like, yeah, whatever. I'm like, who the fuck are you? I don't fucking care. Like you're a douchebag. I would probably find it funny. I would find it funny because they're being so pathetic. Yeah know what i mean so again this is all very easy to say and i really hope you understand we're not discounting the shittiness of going through

this because i am so sorry for that and i it makes me really angry and i do want to reiterate and i or sort of at least like reinforce the fact that these people are not the, the, the only option. Yes. Right. You will, or, you know,

potentially if you stay on these apps long enough, you will find someone who is nice and caring and will wait or ask nicely about the stuff that, you know, you're insecure about, or we'll wait until you bring it up and it won't be an issue for them. Yeah. it's it's such a non-issue because they're interested in you yeah uh and not a physical feature of yours so i think there is obviously the hope that if you stay on you'll eventually meet someone uh that that doesn't feel this way or will make you feel bad but the same

is likely true of like, you might just meet someone in real life or whatever. Right. So it's like, I don't want to put too much stock in stay on dating apps. If they're making you feel bad. And I said, we've said it before.

I say this to most men because dating apps, we've talked about it before specifically make are designed to make men feel like shit so that they will different way. Yeah. So that they will pay money. Yeah. Right. Which is why I think a lot of men are so bitter on them as well.

Yeah. Which is why you get these people going on their little mean comment fucking crusades. Right. Which not excusing it in any way, shape or form. But, you know, so we've said it and it stands to every situation where it's like, if it's bad for your mental health, by all means, step away. Yeah. If it doesn't serve you, if you got on, you're like, hey, actually, you know what?

This sucks. Fuck this. Yeah. That's fine. You're not quitting. You're not losing. You're not... This isn't a sort of like devastating blow to anything. Dating apps are a tool. You don't have to use them. And again, if it's an on and off thing, if you want to give it a week, go back on.

See how it feels. Like, if you miss them, if you want to give them a chance, you can go back on. If it's starting to harm your mental health for various reasons, you can go off. You need to do what feels right for you. I think, much like consent, that's a thing that can change at any time. If you're not good with them right now,

by all means, fuck them. Take a break, disable them, whatever. Then jump on when you feel like you want to again. That's it. That's going to do it for our show, whatever. Yeah. And then jump on when you feel like you want to again. Yeah. That's it. That's going to do it for our show, friends. Thank you very much for hanging out with us and checking us out. It means the world to us that you take

an hour out of your busy lives and schedules to hang out with us every week. If you'd like to support the show, head on over to fbispodcast.com and click the Patreon link. You get a bonus episode every month. This month will be about breaking up, which is coming out shortly. In like two days.

Also, some of you have been asking about live shows. We are trying to get those back up and running for October. We took a little bit of a break because we were tired. We're doing so much. It was starting to get to the point where we were burning out and we don't want to do shows and resent doing them.

For sure. They want to be fun. We don't want to do a bad show. We don't want to lose quality in the show, in our lives. You know what I mean? With the money that we put into the podcast, there's only so much we can do at once because we also have day jobs. So with everything kind of coming together, we did have to take a little bit of a break. Uh,

they want us back. We want to be back. October should be when it starts, but we will keep you updated. But thank you to everyone who's been reaching out excited about them. Cause, it will, it will happen again.

Yeah. Um, if you do want to support us, Patreon, or if you don't want to monetarily support us, please tell a friend, give us a review, give us a share,

download every episode, like eight times. Yeah, we love you. And thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song, Paper Stars. Now, you ready for some bad sex or anything? Yes. This one's weird, which doesn't really change anything, does it?

This is a song. This is a book called Truly Madly Guilty, and it's by Laura Moriarty. I understand why you would say it's a song. Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden. I'm stinky, said Ruby. Hell yeah. She tilted her head seductively as if being stinky was something to be prized.

Is that it? There's context that Ruby is too. Oh, huh. Don't, don't like that. Yeah. That's, she's not, don't. No. It's bad. It's so, it's bad anyway don't. No. It's bad.

It's so, it's bad anyway. And then it's worse. Yeah. Laura, what are you doing? What are you doing? Babies shouldn't do anything seductively. No. Why would you ever?

The adjective seductively shouldn't be added into anything to do with children. No, because either you think they're trying to be seductive and they're too, so they're not. Or you find it seductive and they're too. And get help. Yeah, bad. Don't make a book about it. Laura. Stinky is your brain. Laura. My name's Dave Miller. I'm the Houseman. We've been your fuck buddies. you