F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 314 - Toy Story 5

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Ol' Walt is a real freak for this one.  That slinky dog really gets put through it.  Topics include being eaten alive by the prospect of threesomes, sexual support stuffy, marriage ending threesome, degradation play without the play. Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/fbuddies  Get tickets to our next live show October 29th: https://www.fbuddiespodcast.com/liveshows

I put my trust in you and I'm trusting our love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you and I'm trusting our love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love My name is Damiler and I'm now Spain and we're your fuck buddies We are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations We find questions either online or running through the wonderful minds of our wonderful listeners and we answer them right here right now Every Monday sometimes on patreon we got an exclusive how-to series So if you really want to deep dive into a particular topic, you should head there support us support yourself But also where else ding on stage at the black sheep this a deep dive into a particular topic you should head there support us, support yourself, but

also where else Dane? On stage at the Black Sheep this October 29th. It's a Tuesday. It's gonna be fun. We have spooky cocktails. We have spooky games. We have costume contests. We have fucking cool people coming.

We have cool prizes in our spooky raffle. And there's there's two ways to win. Yes. Showing up in a costume immediately gets you entered our spooky raffle. And there's there's two ways to win, too. Showing up in a costume immediately gets you entered into a raffle. Showing up in a kickass costume gets a chance to win our costume contest. That's the thing. You can have a very low effort costume. We're not going to get to get a raffle ticket. We're not going to be too hardcore.

You can show up with a white dress shirt and a Superman t-shirt or anything. Be like, I'm Clark Kent. Exactly. That's I can do that. You could also show up in a full crazy costume if you want. And then you'll be you'll be able to win two things because Clark Clark can't phone it in guy. I'm sorry. You're probably not going to probably not win the costume. But what if no one else shows up?

Yeah, you will. Then you will win. Win it all. Yeah. It could be the heist of the century. Yeah. We got some really fun, sexy prizes. We got some people committing to that. It's going to be a lot of fun. You should come. You find tickets on all of our social medias.

Click on the link that brings your website. You'll find them or messages if you can't. Either way we got you. It's going to be fun. VIP tickets are $15. It comes with a drink. That's the price of a usual drink. That's that's cheaper. Oh, yes. Yeah. The full 50.

Yeah. That's about a normal drink. That's a cocktail. Yeah. So it's going to be fun. Please come. We'll see you there. How are you doing, Dan?'s a cocktail. Yeah, so it's gonna be fun. Please come we'll see you there How are you doing? Dan? I'm good. Hell. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's finally like that temperature where where my brain works We're both wearing pants. Yeah in the closet. Uh-huh. That's how you know, we are prime. Yeah You ready to get this going? Yeah, so this week we're gonna talk about husband brought up threesomes. It's eating me alive Hugging a stuffed animal during sex a threesome

led to the end of my first marriage should i tell my new fiance and degradation play without the play oh no just degradation uh this is by limp honey my 27 year old female husband 25 year old male brought up threesomes and it's eating me alive how do i navigate this for some context we've been struggling for a really long time when it came to our sex life for almost two years now. Just recently, we finally have had some improvement and it's been super active as of lately. But now my husband brings up more casual sex and trying things with other people. I like the idea, but I can't tell if my insecurities are making me feel against it or if it's just not for me. And I have so much past trauma that this is bothering every waking moment Of my life since been brought up. I don't know what to do about it

And every time I talk to him about it I only feel better for a couple hours tops and that starts eating me alive again I think I'm not completely against it But sex is a lot more intimate thing to me than it is to him any suggestions that would be obvious Instead of talking to him or sorry Any suggestions other than the obvious of talking to will be greatly appreciated because I obviously will. But I need help with, I guess, more internal issues. What's the best way to navigate this?

Any suggestions for self-help or something? I mean, I don't want to be condescending here, but therapy is sort of like if you clock in your brain being like, oh, there's a lot of things happening inside of me, both sort of like mentally and emotionally And I'm not sure how to navigate them There's people for that a professional therapist and professional counselor will probably be able to sort those out better than Strangers on the internet with minimal context. Mm-hmm. That being said we are strangers on the internet with minimal context So we'll do our best. Well, we are

Basically, no, we're second best. We're the second best. There's therapy and there's then there's the Reddit comments. Yeah, which is never, never. Maybe your friends and family in there. So, but you need to. It's great that you guys are talking and it's great that he is doing his best to like reassure you and talk you through it because you are feeling better, right?

Like this. Yes. Like so obviously the things that he's saying are the things that you want to hear but I think at that point in time you're you're you know sort of sated and then you're left alone with your thoughts again and then you start over analyzing and start Stressing and anxiety and all that kind of stuff. I would just love to know is it in these moments Are you just saying yes, because you're worried, because you don't want to see him stick in the mud, because things are finally good, and you're worried that you're gonna put an end to it,

and that's why you're so stressed after, because in the moment you're agreeing to things you're not actually down for, and after the fact. Also, it's weird that you're like, oh, I'm not against the idea, it's eating me up every minute of every day, and I don't, it's like, none of weird that you're like, Oh, I'm not against the idea. It's eating me up every minute of every day. And I don't it's like none of this sounds like you like the idea, but you said twice that you do.

Yeah. So what? When does that happen? Maybe try to like compartmentalize, like be like, OK, I like the idea of playing with another person. I like the idea of playing with another person with my partner. I like the you know what I mean? And they keep going to do say a sentence that you're like, no, I don't like that. I like the idea of playing with another person with my partner. I like the idea. You know what I mean? And like, keep going until you say a sentence that you're like, no, I don't like that.

This is where it's like, maybe it's not the act. Maybe it's the fear of like, what happens after. For sure. Is it the insecurity of being like, maybe he finds her more attractive? Maybe she'll steal him from me. Maybe, you know, like X, Y, and Z. Or like, are you not into women? And then if it's a threesome, are you going to have to, you know,

just sit on the sidelines or be involved in a way you're not comfortable with? Like, is that what he envisions? But that's not what you want. But you think that's the only way? I think yes. I think as with any threesome conversation, you really got to be straight up honest. Yeah, right. There's no there's no way to appease your

partner. You should never expect like you should never do it in general of being like doing things that you don't want to. But this is a more dangerous version. Yeah, I think every now and then there's something to be said about like, well, I'm not crazy about this, but I do know my partner loves it. So I'll do it because the pleasure they derive is enough for me to be okay with it. Well, and that's that's OK. The more low risk that is, the better and the easier. And to like, you're still willing to do it in a certain way or else you wouldn't.

So that doesn't mean, oh, that thing you will never do. You should do it occasionally because they'll be happy. You know, I mean, you're allowed to have have hard lines. And I think what Dan's saying is really important. And we're going to get to that in one second, because being honest with your partner, 100 percent. But what we kind of started saying a second ago, being honest with yourself first and foremost, you need to know which we were pretty much

saying why it's uncomfortable for you. And I think you need to be honest, write it down and see for yourself and figure out like, is it the insecurity? Is it like whatever it is? Be brutally bluntly honest with yourself. They never need to see this this although I think it'll be really helpful to communicate that one hundred figure it out but like you know you're it's okay to be insecure it's okay to be scared it's okay to me you know whatever it's also okay to if things have just started getting better why not just do that for a bit you know the breaks and be like hey like hey we're in a good place let's let's stay here like we don't need to keep going yeah we've hit a really nice place let's enjoy for a bit, you know the breaks and be like, hey, like, hey, we're in a good place. Let's let's stay here. Like we don't need to keep going.

Yeah, we've hit a really nice place. Let's enjoy it for a bit. And like, they're all make sure that this is this is a foundation built on cement and not fucking mud. Yeah. Before we start, you know, pouring water on the fucking. That's how building works. Yeah. If like if you're happy, if they broke, don't fix it. Right. So if you're in a place where you're happy right now,

some of the fear might be just changing that. And let and I understand from his point of view of being like great We're here like now. We get no going now. We're in a safe spot now. We're in a solid place now We're now we're happy and compatible. Let's like let's explore Let's cuz like that's that's the level of which you want to start exploring right or even feel safe And when you feel comfortable when you feel like things are good. That's the time to like explore new to start exploring, right? Or even feel safe. And when you feel comfortable, when you feel like things are good, that's the time to like explore new opportunities. Yeah. Right.

That's why I don't think that like, if you're a marriage and in trouble or your relationship in trouble, I don't think that's the time to open up and explore polyamory, right? Because like you need a foundation, you need a strength, security, communication, honesty, confidence. Why nine times out of 10 threesomes and polyamory and open relationships fail Is because you're like, you know, imagine trying to like make a fucking toothpick tower But like the bottom is the bottom is like four toothpicks just like we're like rambling like this building's falling apart. Let's

Also light it on fire. Yeah, let's add let's add 30 stories on top of it and see what happens. Yeah That's that's that's that's what you have to. And as Nelson, I think writing it down is a great idea. I think making even just like an old fashioned pros and cons list and just be like, I like this. I don't like this. I like this. I don't like this. And then you look at it from like you take a step back, maybe close it,

put it away for a day or two or a week or whatever, and come back and look at it and be like, yeah, I these these still resonate with me. Yeah. And now that I look at it, I understand that like these are deal breakers or you might look at them and be like, Oh, I'm, I'm jealous, but that can be sated by, you know, you, now you, you draw like a little arrow and be like, I can communicate with my partner and tell them these are the things I'm going to be jealous about. And I need reassurance on X, Y, and Z, you know, and like, and you, or You know, and like and you already

need to establish boundaries and rules, which is going to be in step two in the second. So I think do that and be as be honest, be so honest, because it's just for you. You never have to show your partner anything. You can rework like once you're clear in your head, you can delete it and reword it. How can you be gross or you can only be like,

I don't want vaginal fluids on my face. Sure. You can be whatever you want. Again, they might see this depending on where you put it. So just keep that in mind, but be brutally honest. And if you want to show them after, maybe that'll help. If not, you can reword it. But it's all getting down into sort of like, here are my talking points, because I think it's about getting your head straight.

I think that's that's a really important thing to do. And I think it's an underutilized thing of people being like we advocate communication so much. But I think it's really easy to lose the plot for sure. When you're nervous and when you're insecure and when you're vulnerable. I think it's really easy to like go in with a plan and be like, all right, I've got it. Like, how many times have you rehearsed a big, you know, speech that you're going to ask someone out and then you're just like, I really like you. Do you want to get drinks? And it's

like, well, that's not any of the flowery prose that I prepared in my brain. Might be better. So yeah, I think you should know yourself like where you are at with like conflict and confrontation, because a lot of people just cannot handle that. And that's fine. So there's nothing wrong with having a little note on your phone and be like, hey, just a heads up. I'm not being rude or

whatever. But it's like I wrote so I made some notes so that I can get what I need to get out with so like I might Refer to those. Yeah, and that's all you really say is just here to keep minutes. Don't look at Dave. It's fine Yeah, he's really judgy when he takes minutes so he won't make some noises but they're just for him They won't be included in those can You can strike things from the record. So be brutally honest get your thoughts together you need to know why you're upset and therapy might help but you could also maybe get there yourself you just need to actually sit down and wrestle with it and I think you need to be okay with the fact that this might not be for you. You don't have to be the yes girl. You don't have to ever just say yes to your partner's demands.

In a healthy relationship, you saying no won't be an issue. No. Right. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to keep going with whatever it is just to maintain this like happiness, because if you do, it won't be happiness. It'll be false happiness. If you're doing shit you don't want to do like it's it's not the way. So just some is just another sex act that you consent to. Yeah, exactly. Right. Which you don't need to do. And like if they're shitty about it,

they suck. And that's a different problem. Yeah. You know, but like don't like it's possible. The fear is, you know, you don't want to do it. And you're worried that saying it will either upset them, halt their sexual progress or bring you back to where you guys were before. Yeah. Right. So be honest, take stock and try to figure out, as Dane said, what's hard lines, what's workable and what's like an on issue. Right. Yeah. And once you have those set, you can figure out, can you get past the things you're worried about? And if you can't, it's a no. If you can, step two, which is, I know you say, don't talk about communication, but there's specific types of communication that you may not be aware of.

We've talked about this when introducing like pretty much anything to a sexual relationship, but especially polyamory, opening it up, threesomes, which is communication boundaries rules, right? And I think if you guys have talked about it, I hope you talk about this shit, but maybe this is what you need to kind of like calm your mind, which is

What is allowed what isn't allowed? Who are you? How are you gonna find these partners? What are you gonna do with them? Like what do you expect to do? What are they expected and or allowed to do like are you gonna see them again? Is it a lot of people you know, do you get to veto the partner? Do you get to choose the partner? Are they coming your home? Are you going to a hotel? to veto the partner, do you get to choose the partner? Are they coming to your home? Are you going to a hotel like every all these things

that need to be ironed out? And if you can't iron those out, neither of you are ready. If you can iron them out, are you OK with what's being proposed? If you can iron them out and you're OK with what's being proposed, maybe all of a sudden you'll feel more comfortable because you'll be like, oh, he's not going to expect me to go down on her or oh, he's not going to get a blowjob offer if that for some reasons that you know, the main like some people will be like, Oh, you can't fuck her, but you can get a blowjob or vice versa. Like people have hang ups on things that they see as being too

intimate or to whatever. So it's like if those are things that you have, establishing them and making boundaries, safe words. What do you do if I feel jealous or if I feel upset or I feel left out? Like have safe words, have signals, have breaks that you can implement when you need them. Yeah. And like going forward, are we never speaking to this person again? Are you going to be able to text her? Like, you know, stuff that will assuage your jealousy and your fear. You need to get all that hashed out.

Yeah, that all of that. And then at the end of it, once you are done, all those things, if you've come to a place where you're comfortable and you're ready and you're happy and you're whatever, whatever, whatever, and then, you know, after a couple hours later or a day later, you start getting eaten up again by it, then you know, you've done all your due diligence, you know, this just isn't for you, because if you're there's there's some disconnect somewhere. And if you've done all the stuff and you still can't find it,

you shouldn't just be like, well, fuck it. I've done the stuff. Let's go for it. Yeah, that's not the answer. Yeah. The answer is, oh, shit, I still I did all the stuff and it seemed fine at the time, but it obviously isn't. So we're going to take a step back and either wait or just never do it. Right. Or or as we said at the beginning, therapy consult like an actual therapist and work through whatever you think might be the mental block here.

And there might just be like the conclusion might just be three sometimes for you. That's why. And that's a totally fine thing. The same way that I know I don't want to be dominated. That's not something that, like, interests me at all. And that's not a bad thing. No. You know, the same way like I don't want to be dominated. That's not something that like interests me at all and that's not a bad thing No, you know the same way like I don't want anything in my butt. Yeah, that's fine And that's also okay the same way that like if I was dating a partner who also was like I don't ever want to do Anal yeah, that's fine. Exactly. So like you know, and it's no different. It's there's no difference, right? You're not less fun

No, you're not less adventurous. You're not whatever. It's just like this is a thing you don't want to do. Yeah. And that is OK. And the thing is, I think we're like societally like shown that like, oh, threesomes are fun, sexy, hot thing. And like girls especially should be fine with them. But like, that's just the media and that's just porn and that's just bullshit. I would say like most threesomes aren't handled well.

Like, no, you look at how many fucking questions. Yes. Like nine times out of 10. Like if you go and ask people how their threesome was, chances are it's like, oh, I got you. It didn't work. Oh, I've had a number of them. And I would say that like maybe two of them were fun because of the the work that we put in prior to. Yeah. And the agreements and the you know, I mean, like it was like that.

But like other than that, it was like a lot of them's like usually just like a lot of extra work, a lot of awkwardness, a lot of like, I mean, I guess I got to have sex with two women, but like I could have done this two different day. And I mean, like, yeah, like it really wasn't much. And so it's like, I think people romance and like threesomes are sort of like the holy grail, especially for dudes, I think. But like the reality of them is so different. It's such a different, weird thing.

And like awkward. I don't care how smooth you are. Like there's always a little bit of fumbling because like there's a new person, sheer logistical. Yeah. You know, if you were fucking a new person anyway, there's still there's things you don't learn. There's there's rhythms you got to pick up on. And now your attention's divided.

You're in a new situation. You're hyper aware of their feelings, hopefully. And if you're not, you're being an asshole and that probably takes some mental effort. So you I think we've covered this pretty thoroughly. Yeah. Take take the steps, move forward and don't be afraid to say no 100% This is from Dora pink kitty hugging a stuffed toy during sex. Is this too much? Okay, so when I masturbate I usually like to be surrounded by all my stuffed animals

It's like I'm in a little cave and at nighttime with my cute gemstone lamp. The ambience is extra cozy I have a favorite stuffed toy that I like to hug with one arm while I play with myself So I suck on a dildo as I masturbating question though Is this just too much not really an age regression person or into any LG things which I believe is little girl things But just hates LG TV Samsung TV yeah But I do get a sense of safety and arousal by feeling all swaddled up and being able to nuzzle into the little guy During sex with a partner. Is that a lot or not a big deal?

I'm getting in my head about it as a friend said it was a little babyish and might give bait Which I assume is jail bait So now I'm thinking about not doing it anymore Yeah, look if somebody pulled out a stuffed toy and was like, sorry, I need to hold this I think there's two parts of the question. if you want to do this while you masturbate Yeah, who cares you whatever you want by yourself by yourself. You're not hurting anybody now Everyone's consenting which in this case is just a stuffed animal which can't we'll talk about that You're good. That's why story five is why I'm so fucked up man man. It's why Disney won't release it.

They can't. I don't know. There isn't a Toy Story five is there? Who fucking? There is. We just there. Yeah, it's in the. It's in the hall. They're just screaming. It's the only movie that was made recently that Walt Disney would actually approve of.

It was the one last thing he wrote before he was hit by a train. Is he a by train? Probably. No, he's frozen. I think he was hit by. Yeah, but he was hit by a train. I don't by train? Probably. No, he's frozen. I think he was hit by. Yeah, but he was hit by a train. I don't think to the freezer. I don't think they were like frozen. It's just bits of like, yeah, they were like, oh, we can't fit them.

Then back then they hadn't built like chest freezers like big enough. So like we got the smush. There's only one way to do it. There's only one way to do it. We got to tie him up old timey style. Yeah, the train split him in half. Fuck you. So, yeah, when you're home, do you want?

Although the fear is maybe if you do it so much, do you like get like a little response to like, oh, like in order to come, I need my little cute guy because like, you know, I think maybe like if you need like that comfort, you can get that comfort from things that are loaded. Pillows, blankets. Yeah. Fucking pillow for make a fuck for you. And like, no, I think sad. I think again, I would buy yourself by yourself.

Do what you want. Do what you want. Once it doesn't then cross over to you now need it. Oh, yeah. And becoming like a TV show or whatever with people. I'm going to go ahead and say, yeah, it's going to be a little weirdover yeah whatever with people I'm gonna go ahead and say yeah it's gonna be a little weird I think this is something you talk about I think you do need to know I think you need to understand the connotations right I

think you need to say like hey I need a stuffed toy in order to fuck I think there's no one alive I don't think who would be like oh this is an age thing right I think there's no one who thinks that no I think like wouldn't yeah Right. I think there's no one who thinks that. No, I think like, yeah. Yeah, I think like if someone brings that up, I immediately I'm going to think that there is a like you said, like a baby girl,

a little girl, an age regression thing like I think there's going to be a trauma thing like it maybe it's wrong, but like it feels like something someone would do if they're like, yeah, because traumatized or like, it's very, there's very childish. Yeah, it's childish. And there's like an element of like fear and safety and catching a toy. I think I would feel very uncomfortable. I think I would too. And I also like I'm gonna go ahead and say I don't think you should do it if possible. I don't even think you should have the conversation if possible. Like if you're if you literally can sub out a pillow and it's fine, it's

easier to just do that than have this conversation that might not go well. Yeah. You know what I mean? And that's maybe that's the coward's way out. But I think it's it'll just make things easier. Yes, I agree with you. I don't think it's if it's not a necessary thing, I think you need to like really be aware of like what you're asking because it would be the same as like a guy being like,

oh, I can't like, well, you fuck me. Can I have like a pacifier in my mouth or like can I have like a little safety blanket and like I think there's there's that sort of thing of being like Okay, but like you're an adult woman that I want to have sex with and your infantans or infantilize Infantilizing yourself right? Yeah, and I feel like that would that would put me on because like I'm not interested in having sex with young people. I think it would be really weird. Also, like what if you're at their place? Do you bring the teddy just in case or just not fuck?

And on top of that, if you can't fuck without it, I do think there's another issue here. Yes, there probably is something deeper. So if it's easy, you're fine. And if it's not, you probably need to deal with it regardless. So I agree. I think, you know, if there's a if there's a tether that sex requires, yes, this this stuffed animal back to therapy, you can either first friend. I think it's a therapy situation.

And if you can sell it out for a pillow, no one's going to be upset if you're like, yeah, if you just like to fuck while you're cozy, that's fine. Like, get you a big robe or something like you're like, yeah, if you just like to fuck while you're cozy, that's fine. Like get you a big robe or something like you're like going to go like the leg warmers or like one of those big hoodie. You know, there are studies that show that women come far more easily while wearing socks. There you go. Yeah. So it's a warmth and coziness thing because, you know, men are crazy animals. I don't care. But women, they want to become comfy and cozy and happy and safe and secure. That's great. And I think fucking lunatics.

Like, let me tell you right now, like some like good socks and in like a sweater and a hoodie. Yeah, you can run that like cozy, like lo fi girl. Yeah. And just like zip open and you're just naked under under under a hoodie. Hell, yeah. That's that's fine with me. It's weirdly odd. Yeah. So you're good. I hope you might be good. You can be good It's weirdly odd. Yeah. So you're good. I hope you might be good.

You can be good. You can be. You have the potential for good. Good could be found for you. But I think you're right in that it's weird. And I think if possible, don't even have the conversation or try it. Just move past it. And if you can't, I do think there's an issue.

Yeah. So yeah, that's where we're at. Ready to jump back in the threesome cave. Yeah, uh a three Trolley lots of numbers a threesome led to the end of my 28 year old female first marriage My new fiance 29 year old male doesn't know the whole story. How do I tell him? Oh, I got married to my high school boyfriend Young I was 22. I would have liked to have waited but I got pregnant So we got married Exes my first boyfriend first kiss first sex first everything and I was the same to him

Three years into our marriage my husband now ex began to hint about spicing up our sex life as it become dull He's just a threesome and I assume he met with another girl I declined because I'm not really into girls, but he had in mind was another guy Turns out one of his secret kinks was watching me with another man I declined said I wasn't interested, but he was persistent and eventually wore me down not great great No, Dana, it's not great. If I'm being honest, there's a little curious. I'm going to one guy my whole life So agreed we found a guy online set the whole thing up I'm going to details but it was the best sex of my life that night

I seem to enjoy myself as well and meeting up with this guy Let's say Tim became a regular occurrence things were good for a while but turned bad in a hurry My ex grew jealous of Tim Tim I began to question our relationship Eventually my ex told me we were done seeing Tim when I said I didn't want to it was the beginning of the end We tried to make it work for the sake of our daughter But we were broken at that point we got divorced I end up dating Tim for a while that ended when I realized weren't really Compatible outside the bedroom fast forward three years, and I'm engaged. We'll call him Alex I haven't told him exactly what led to my divorce. He knows I left my husband for another man,

but I left the rest of it rest out of it. I'm ashamed of the whole thing and really don't want Alex to see me that way. I really love my fiance. I don't know, I don't think I knew what real love was until I met him, but I'm terrified of what he will think of me if he knows of my past. Also not 100% certain my ex won't let this slip out. The divorce wasn't smooth and there have been many fights over custody. My ex is also pretty jealous of Alex as well the ex has photos and videos of me and Tam and I'm not sure he's Above sending it to Alex. He hasn't yet, but he has threatened it before when we fight. I'm in a bind and need some advice Well, I think it's very strange to me that you were like, oh he knows that I left my husband for another man I don't want him to know the truth. The truth is better. Yes. Right. Like

telling your partner be like, oh, I left my my husband for another man. That's not what happened. Yeah, not by the sounds of it anyway. Yeah, from what you described, you had a situation where someone became a regular sexual partner. You develop or at least you enjoyed the act and then when he wanted to end it you didn't and that became a thing Yeah, it's then after the fact you tried to continue things with your man didn't work out Yeah, that's different to I left my husband for another man, which sounds like you cheated on him or you like like it was extramarital Yeah, and wasn't it was literally internal. Yeah of the relationship and not only that but it was his idea like yeah he brought him invited this into realized he wasn't able to to handle the situation and Like like all the fault really lies on him. Like the only other option is like, oh I was supposed to Like go against what I wanted. I should have just submitted to what he wanted and because like across the board

That's what you did like you didn't originally want to sleep with another person, but he wore you down So it's like was the option within like to wear you down again to not see this person Yeah And then now you have a relationship where you know that the sex could be much better Go back to sleeping with someone you weren't a sexually satisfied with and like just ignore that that ever happened Like that was a recipe for success either. I think the only thing that could be bad here is if he said, hey, let's not see him anymore. And you were like, yeah, but then kept doing it.

But that's what you've already told him. Kind of. Yes. You said you left him for another man. So it's like, what gets worse here? That's what I mean. It's like you've, you've gave a version of the story that's far worse than the truth. Yeah. So I think explaining the whole situation gives a lot more context, gives a lot more lens, a lot more sort of like context, not content, but like humanity and like rational as to why you did what you did. Yes. Right. Because as of right now, you know, he doesn't have that.

If if what all he knows is what you've said, you know, the fact that like you left him for another man's way worse. That's given no context. That only makes you sound like an asshole. Yeah. Which wasn't the scenario. So you do need to tell him the truth because it makes you look better. Yeah. And it gives context to the situation. The only things like unless you think your partner is so like toxic

that he would see this in like a slut shaming way as like oh you are with two men like you but like if that's the case is this someone you want to be with and that's that's where I want to come back on these these videos it's like surely your husband knows that you've slept with someone else you have a daughter so yeah you've had sex like that's not an unimaginable thing so I understand that you don't want your current partner getting sex videos from your ex. Yeah that's bad but again also it's revenge porn and illegal. It's super illegal so maybe tell your fucking ex that and be like hey

like text him so it's all I'm writing be like hey by the way when you threaten to send those videos I want you to know it's super illegal and I will be pressing charges wherever you are yeah I don't know I don't know the porn yeah revenge laws of of other places. I think most places Either way you look that up. Yes. We're also not lawyers. We're also not lawyers. Yeah So like if he does that again if your husband's like wait you had sex with another other man like What's the issue here is like, again, is he so slut shaming that regardless of the fact that your ex in this situation was one complicit at the time and two in the wrong currently

by sending these fully illegal and fucked up videos that he's going to still be annoyed at you? Because that's the case. Do you want to marry this man? All very good point. We've heard him again again. Honesty with your new partner and be like, hey, my ex has videos of of this scenario of like me hooking up with this person and is frequently threatened to release them and send them to you.

I want to apologize in advance if that happens. I know that's not something you want to see. Yeah. And if it does happen, please just delete them. You know what I mean? And so letting you know, like letting him know that you're in a position of vulnerability in this sense. Frightened by someone. Yeah, that's what you do as a partner and he should be there to help you. And you shouldn't have to suffer through that alone.

Yeah. And like if he's like, again, gets angry that someone is threatening revenge porn, I like he's a bad partner. Yeah. Or she's very, oh oh you made a sex tape with this guy Like who like if he's gonna slut shame you for these things. He's not worth marrying and as far better Do you learn that now? Yeah, you know so so I think it's it's win-win even if one of the wins isn't great It's still good in that you're weeding out the trash, right? So you definitely need to tell the truth and again be as open as honest as you are in this post Let him read this post if you want like it's it's so important to get context with stuff like this,

because I can't imagine thinking that what you've told him is better than the full story. Yeah. Again, unless you're being incredibly weirdly vague here. But like if you've told him even a fraction of this, filling in the blanks is just going to be like, oh, this makes slightly more sense. Yeah. And if you haven't, you just sound like you cheat on your husband, which is far worse. And you can give a little silver lining to this. These threats of as a means to you can bring up this as a way to like talk about more fully the situation.

Right. Like it would kind of be weird to just be like, hey, I need to tell you something and then go into this story. But if you're like, hey, my ex is threatened to send you these videos and I need to give you context as to why they exist and why he's doing this and telling the whole story, you you have a reason to bring both up. You have a reason to be vulnerable. You have a reason to be honest. And it's going to feel nice, one, getting this off your chest clearly

because you feel like it's weighing on you and to having somebody else know what you're dealing with right now. Like it's you need that. Yeah. So tell them. I don't think it'll be, you know, again, if it is bad, it's still good, because then you know, you don't want to date this person with him. Reason like maybe maybe he will take it weirdly because I think being like, here's a lot of sexual history about my ex.

And also he's threatening revenge porn is kind of a lot to dump on. So it is. So maybe he'll be like, whoa, or like whatever. So I think a little a hint of grace, a little bit of process time or whatever. But if he shit, don't write it off yet. This is from Starscribe 68, my favorite transformer, as a joke to my partner being mean to me during and after sex, me at 45 or a 35 year old female and my partner a 38 year old Male we're trying to have sex last night, but he kept going soft. This has been an ongoing problem for months now

He stopped masturbating but still can't get hard. Well last night. He started getting mean He was shaming my body saying he was turned off because I forgot to shave my armpit hair Even after he was still just acting mean towards me. I just find it weird that these last few months He can't get hard at all and is now being mean to me about it We used to have a great sex life before this could there be something else going on? This is a sign of the man cheating. Why would a guy act like this? Terribly insecure and embarrassed about it and chose the worst option which is become a piece of shit to yeah Try to make up for it. Yeah, we could we. We've talked about the thousands of different variables as to why he might be

having a hard time with erection from health distress to mental to whatever. Right. There's any number of reasons and we can guess forever what this could be. But the core of the problem is as now just said, his insecurity has manifested into meanness and he's taking it out on you. Yeah, which is horrifying. Easier to point the finger. It's why incels exist. It's why Red Pill exists.

It's easier to be like it's women's fault. It's certainly not me. It can't be me. Fuck you. Like if I'm angry at like it's it's the shittest way to deal with this. But it's is it's the chosen option. And I like that's awful I hate that the title is degradation play without the play because that was just me summarizing that's not the funny that was I thought they were being very glib

about this damn no the she describes it as my partner being mean to me during and after so yeah that's awful this guy fucking sucks shit and it's like I would find it very hard to give somebody a second chance after this But like if you don't want to immediately break up with them, you need to be like hey we did the other night was incredibly fucked up and mean and terrible and Like we're never gonna do that again ever and I can apology and like I understand you're dealing with some shit I've been trying to help you with it. Hopefully you have. But even if you haven't, this isn't, nothing excuses his response. I mean, you're never going to turn that on me and you're never going to treat me like that ever again if you do, I'm done.

Make him understand what you did was completely fucked up, unacceptable, terrible, just genuinely awful. And that his issues should never be thrown on you and reacting this way is- Yeah, because you could easily turn it around and do the same thing. Yeah. And that like, you know, his issues should never be thrown on you and reacting this way. Yeah, because you could you could easily turn it around and do the same thing. Exactly. How could you call yourself a man if you can't even get hard? But like it's so easy to like, yeah, flip the tables. Yeah. And we would be just as harsh. Oh, you'd be a terrible person. If he was right in the question and being like, oh, I couldn't get erect. And my wife said I wasn't a man anymore or whatever. Yeah. Like then that's still shit. Yeah. Like you need to as I said, you need to like let them know and be like, hey,

you were completely out of line. And how you treated me last night is unacceptable. I think unacceptable is the most important word to like for sure. Get across. And also point out that you will not accept it again. Yeah. If you even want to do this, I would not blame you for never looking back But like you need to lay down the law like fully stand your corner and be like yo fucked up never again I want an apology. I want you to understand this was fucked up

I'll like go on and then be like if you want to deal with this, that's not the fucking way It's never anything. It's like you guys you say you've been dealing with this. Do you just mean that it's been happening? Yeah, that's very different than just like maybe this time Yeah, go go see a fucking doctor. You know, I mean take some pills or a therapist Just talk about talk about a lot of the a lot of the problem is the pressure, right? The the mental like that happens once and then you're fucking stuck in a cycle, right? So having that like cloud lifted over and being like, hey, I don't I not disappointed when this happens. I understand that you don't have any control over it I understand that it's a which sucks to have to be so kind right after this yes But if you're gonna move forward unfortunately, you know

I think there is there there does need to be a tenderness of being like I like presumably this is not how he is all The time yes, I like I don't want to give this guy any kind of grace Really, but it is a thing that men are literally taught to entirely revolve their self-worth around 100% so it is a very stressful and embarrassing and Especially just out of the blue Plismic the man hits 38 all of a sudden. He starts having difficulties getting an erection I understand like where he's coming from what he's difficulties getting an erection. I understand where he's coming from. What he's done is fucked.

Yes. I know why he's upset. Yeah. And I get it. And we all like have that kind of hanging over us in some form or another. We've all responded to situations poorly one way or the other. Right? At some point in time in our lives, I'm sure you and I have both handled like a fight or

a comment or whatever poorly. So it's like we all make mistakes. But that doesn't eat. Yeah. It doesn't mean what he's done is right in any way, but you should understand at least that where he's coming from is this place of like, but there's a horror and pressure and like societal, like, oh, you're not a man. You're worthless.

You know, again, does not excuse. No, I'm not saying we'll never say that there's an onus on him to apologize for what he's done. You're worthless. You know, again, does not excuse. No, I'm not saying this. We'll never say that. There's an onus on him to apologize for what he's done. Yes. Right. And I think it's it's good for you to know it's not coming from something that is like it's good to know where the root of the problem is. Right. You know, he has nowhere to tug. He has a reason behind it.

You know what I mean? Like he's literally undergoing this terrible thing. That again, society is like you literally are worthless now. So it's not like he did it out of the blue. What he did was still completely fucked and wrong and not excusable, but like it came from something. Absolutely. So knowing that going in maybe will help you. But again, unacceptable, never going to happen again.

Apology and then you need to try to talk, talk it through, see a doctor, figure out the root causes and like let him know that if things go forward nicely, you are not judging him for this. You are not upset. You are in his corner. Yeah. You're on his side. You get it. And it's nothing to do with him or you, which again, he needs to fucking come forward and

say and then hopefully you can move forward or just dump his ass because that was fucked up. Yeah. I mean, if he doubles down. Oh Oh if he doubles down in any way shape or form I hope you're out the door before he finishes that sentence. Yeah And I'm sorry, that's really fucked up. Yeah, it sucks It's it's always hard to watch your partner struggle with something and then also be the punching bag that has to deal with it Yes, that's a very very tough situation to be in. It's like, oh, I'm being nice. And now you're being.

Yeah, because I mean, wonderful. If you're a decent person with any of empathy, it's like you feel bad, like you feel for someone. And now it's like, cool, I I'm like accepting your pain. And now I'm also being caused pain by you because of it. It's a really tough situation. And I really I feel sorry for you. I feel bad for you. But as Nels said, it's like's a really tough situation. And I really I feel sorry for you. I feel bad for you.

But as now said, it's like I think you do need to you need to like really enforce your self worth to yourself and to him and be like lay down the law. And I don't think this is something that can repeat. Never. I think you really need to make that clear. Yeah. Like I said, I think the most important

word in this conversation is going to be unacceptable and never again. Yeah. I think this is going to do it. Yeah. We love you guys. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. Thank you very much. Josh Eagle in the Harvest City is your song Paper Stars.

I'll remember you said it this fucking you back and I say it twice last time. I don't know you fucking piece of shit. Thank you for spending some time with us. I hope you had fun. I know we did. As we said earlier, we do have a Patreon. We have some fun stuff going on there. We've number numerous numbers of episodes, numerous episodes. Yeah.

And it would be great if you could support us. It helps us to keep doing the show to, you know, get equipment and not go crazy and spend all our money hosting our website and our podcast and whatnot. So anything you can do, even if it's at the lowest tier, literally means the world for us and helps the show keep on going. Yeah. Please tell a friend, post about us, send in a question. I promise, and I've said this before, you know, that you have someone that you are friends with who needs to hear the things that we talk about.

Yeah. And like, you don't even have to tell them that. You don't have to have the awkward like, hey, Tim, you kind of suck. Yeah. You just have to say like, hey, Tim, this is funny. Yeah. Just like, just be like, oh, I've been listening to this really great show. It's really funny. I think you'd like it. Yeah. And then you'll be like, what is it? You like this one's called Dave McAvoy's Combox. And he'll be like, yes. Yes. Yeah. He's in. And now guess what? He's a better person, we hope.

Yeah. Yeah. Either that or he's going to listen to the first like five minutes of an episode and not realize that we're joking about something and double down and make that his whole personality. Then he'll keep going and be like, well, I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. Uh, we love you Please tell a friend make a post find us on tik-tok find us on Instagram add us like us share our videos Give us give us that engagement and if you're in the Toronto area comes over 29th

head up f buddies podcast comm slash live shows and Tickets are right there for you. As I said, $10 for entry, 15 for VIP. And that gets you a drink. Yeah. So you're pretty much like show. You're pretty much going in and getting the show for free or drink for free. Yeah. Or both for half off. Yeah. All right. Time for some bad sex writing. Yeah. Comfy. Not you, Dan.

I want you to stay uncomfortable. OK. Everyone at home get comfy, unless you're like on like a tightrope. And if you get comfortable, you'll fall and die. Then it's OK. Get comfortable only if it's safe for you and and only if it's like responsible. And if you want to. Yeah. You know what? Do what the fuck you want.

I love you. OK, this by the stand by Stephen King. Nick Grinne, the women had come over and were looking at the trucks. Abigail's eyes noted the way Ralph squired June over to the record So she could look at the radio equipment and approved the woman had a good set of hips on her There would be a fine porch door down there between them. She could have just about as many little ones as she wanted a Fine porch door girl. You got a fine porch door damn girl Look at him. Maybe you beg you get a fine porch door. Damn girl, look at that. Maybe you, maybe you get a big old porch door in there.

What? What does that mean? If anyone ever referred to, if I was a woman and someone referred to my privates, as any sort of door, I would be upset. Porch being maybe the worst, apart from like bay door, like a loading bay. Girl, that loading bay. You got a garage door in between your legs.

I the best thing is like Stephen King always writes about like rural, like Midwestern America, right? So it's like they always have those like slamming like fucking doors like, yeah. When you think porch door, I don't think nice. No. Right. Porch stores are like a bug screen and yes slamming and like or squeak Our song is a sign of screen doors. Yeah, what what's going on down there? Stephen King? What's going down there Taylor Swift? Yeah This truth dogma slamming her screen door. Yeah, maybe Taylor's freaking out back. Oh

Taylor Taylor we got your number ring ring My name is a mother and I'm not Spain and we've been your fuck buddies.