F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 317 - 10 Things I Hate About You (Birthday Edition)

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

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I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you and I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Payne and we're your fuck buddies. We're dating a sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions about sex and dating and relationships and stuff and we answer them for you on this podcast. You can probably tell by our very cool energy today.

It's a great day. That we are as of as of right now we are recording this on November six, which you may know as the day after American Election Day. I don't know if we really want to talk too much about this because I think you get it. It sucks. So we're going to try our best to like just do an episode, but it's going to probably be really angry and depressed. I'm having a shit day. So, yeah, we're all having a shit day, but

we're we're just going to do it. We're we've got a job to do and we're going to do it. And hopefully it provides you some level of entertainment and excitement or whatever. This week, we're talking about direction needed for neighborhood milf, the weirdest sexual experience. Boyfriend sent me a list of things he hates about me on my birthday. And a traumatic past. Cool.

Ah, this is by FloatingElephant. Direction needed for NeighborhoodMelf. A couple in their late 30s moved into the apartment across from mine. I'm 29, male. I don't usually see people on my floor, but the woman has said, Hey, each time we've met in the elevator, this has happened two to three times. Last week she knocked on my door with some sweets she made for a festival. I smiled and invited her in, but she politely declined. A couple of days later we ran into each other outside

our apartments. I wasn't prepared, so after a simple hi, I just complimented her on the sweets. In response, she asked me not to mention it to her husband, which left me feeling a bit uncertain, as though I might have been imagining things up to that point. What should I do next? Should I escalate? No, I would say don't. Although, well, whoa, whoa. I know I do want to give this man credit. I do think it is suspicious that she is dropping off sweets to you. And then it's like, don't tell my husband. Right.

Like, I think that's weird. It's not good. Not necessarily that like she's got a secret flirtation going on with you But it does make me feel unsafe for her. Yes. She's obviously not in a good spot But like let's take that out for now. Okay, they've said hey, yeah in the elevator twice though two or or three times Two or three. Yeah, that's almost a 50% increase in the amount of haze if he was a horse. He'd love it Yeah, hey, I know I got it I'm gonna go crazy for that shit

And then eat she gave him some sweets. I know my neighbor gave me cake Do they want to fuck me my other neighbor gave me wine? Do they want to fuck how often do they say hey we say we actually have conversations? Oh, well, then there's nothing going on That's fair. Yeah people who are interested in each other don't have conversations That's fair an old lady from down the road offered to give me a cutting from one of her plants There you go. Is it on should I escalate that for sure needs to be escalated. Should I escalate? I like how he also says like oh she said not to mention to her husband and that made him less into it That's the only thing that might be like oh something elicits going on here

It's probably just her husband is a controlling jealous piece of shit Yeah, also, he's having a great day today. I imagine or he's like was really looking forward to those sweets He's a diabetic and she's like I got to get these that she's had to where'd those donuts go? I don't know. I don't know It's definitely not like just don't be a piece of shit and pursue someone who is in a relationship Even if they're pursuing you have some sort of morality to yourself self-respect also she's not a milf if she doesn't have a kid yeah she also a couple of years older yeah she's like nine years older than you yeah and doesn't have a kid nine years older latest you know what I mean yeah like okay let's let's talk about this right you can be a good person

that's that's the thing that we can do. A lot of us are failing lately. Or maybe we can't. I don't know. It's hard to tell these days. Yeah, but you can. So be a good person. And the thing about this is it's going to help you, because if you get in this position, it's bad, right? But it's also super dangerous and super bad. This is your neighbor who has a husband. So what the fuck are you expecting is going to happen? It's going to be bad. There's no future. At best, you're going to have sex.

Maybe if it works out, which again is a huge maybe in hurdle because they might just be being a polite normal person because they've said hey to you two to three fucking times. Right. So there's that. So secret suites, but yourself in danger. You're ruining a marriage or a partnership. You're making everything suck.

Yeah. Are you that desperate? This is like, I mean, like you're you're actively opening. You're courting disaster. Like there's no benefit here because like all it takes is the husband to come home as she's leaving your apartment. And then there's some explaining to do. He's going to figure out that the donuts went somewhere. He's going to see the sugar, the cinnamon sugar on their chin hairs.

Yeah. In the elevator when he's saying, hey, and maybe he wants to fuck. He's not even he doesn't even give a shit that you're fucking his wife. He's pissed about those donuts. And look, I get it. I get it. I'd kill a man over donuts. So I never even sometimes they test me. He's like, hey, you want donut? I don't fucking see it.

That's why I'm still here doing this podcast. True. You know, Dan had eight other podcasts before this. And guess what happened to them? They all took a little nibble of that sweet, round. Holy boy. Yeah. And then there was a hole in them. They were a doughnut. Yeah. I turn my ex podcast host into doughnuts. Yeah. Dan calls them flesh nuts.

Yeah, that's it. So just don't like you can find people elsewhere and if you can't, that's the issue. Not this be have self-respect. Look, guys, like stop assuming that just because a woman Yeah, the barest kindness or like courteousness. And I look, I get it. We've talked about it before. We're all stems from the fact that men are affection and attention starved

You don't get treated well very rarely are we? Complimented very rarely are we shown any sort of affection and I get it It's a double-edged sword where because we're so starved now that any amount of that That we receive we miss constue as something more than it is. But it's like, so dudes, we've, it's our responsibility now to fix this. So when you receive a pleasant treat, a nice gift or compliment or a friendly greeting,

a wave, a hello, a smile, don't run with it. Accept it, feel it, feel nice and warm and fuzzy inside. And by all means, if it progresses into something, if conversations happen with someone and you start developing a rapport, then you still make the choice, oh no, they have a husband and live next door and you move on, but then maybe you go,

hey, look, I'm hot stuff. This person wants to bang me. I'm speaking more broader now. I'm just trying to hammer this point home because this man needs it. Yeah. So like- And also if you do what they're saying, you're going to get more

affection. Yes. You're going to be in situations where people will be worried about giving it to you because we've men have, again, like the double-edged sword, right? Like socialized to be sort of like an island. We're not allowed to feel effects. We're not allowed to be vulnerable. We're not allowed to be complimented or given nice things that that's, that's

more helpless if we fucking wanted or asked or asked them or weak and we're whatever. Yeah. So it's like, it's tough, but now it's our job to not be fucking psychos about it. Yeah. Take the compliment, accept the warmth, accept the affection and look for it from non romantic and platonic sources, right? From your friends, Hug your friends. Give give good, long, nice hugs when you need one. Like if you're feeling sad, there's no like say, hey, dude, mind if I hug it out

real quick? One of the kiss your homies good night. Kiss them on the head, on the lips, wherever you want, as long as it's consensual. But one of the big turning points for me was and I'll admit, like I was, I was pretty like middle of the road in terms of like my views of masculinity until sort of like after college and more recently in life, learning about, you know, being educated by this and all this stuff. Um, but one of the, one of the like big things was there's, there was a pretty tough dude in my college course, um, like real, real gruff and tumble. Our old man's man, Hammer James.

And we did we did an exercise. It was a sense memory exercise where you think about home and you think about like your parents and your pets and your, you know, your childhood, whatever. And it was it was one of those things that like really got to me. And it really got to him as well. And one point in time, after the exercise, some of us stepped outside for some air and he like pulled me aside and he was just saying, we hadn't really hung out. He wasn't,

he was in like a different circle within the program. But he was just like, Hey man, like, do you mind if we hug? Cause like, I need, I need that right now. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, this dude who is like, again, like by all sort of like traditional definitions of like a man's man, uh, was willing to be vulnerable with me, willing to ask for what he needed. And most importantly, like the, the asking was a big part, right? It's not like he came over and was like, give me a hug. He asked specifically, he was kind of cool. Um, but he,

you know, he came up and it was like, is it cool if we do this? Right? He asked for consent and like, he really, like that sort of simple moment, I was like, Oh, I've misconstrued a lot of stuff. And that was really sort of like the first domino that fell for me of being like, Oh, masculinity is like vulnerability is very much a part of it. Like they're sure they were ingrained. What I love is like the people who really like stick to traditional masculine. They're like, you've got to be like a badass.

You've got to be like, but then they can't step out of their comfort zone or do these scary things like going against traditional roles of masculine. And what could be more masculine by their very fucking definition? Yeah. Then challenging the shit, being vulnerable, like opening yourself up, being brave, being like, it always baffles me the like logical loops where it's like, oh, that person walking down the road with like colored nail polish, who's a guy, you're like, Oh, pussy, that dude so much fucking braver than you, you know, how scary it is to step out knowing people like you are going to look down on them. Yeah, that person's brave as fuck. You're a coward because you're scared to paint your nails in case someone calls you a name like.

And it's just so like I want to shake them and be like, they're doing what you purport to do. Yeah, they're being a badass. One of the, you know, the biggest examples of it that I see on like a daily basis is when dudes send their drinks back and from a glass. We've talked about this so many times. It's just like, what are like, there's nothing like, like you're telling me right now, I'm a man

and I'm such a man that I'm scared of the shape of this glass. It's like, what do you mean? Like it's so baffling. And like, I think it's especially a problem, you know, with seduction and their ilk is because they try to perpetuate this manliness all the time. But like, there's nothing less manly or confident or you know, I don't like saying manly. Yeah. You know, I'm talking about this because we're using their terms,

but like, there's nothing less confident and badass than as you said, like returning a drink. Oh no, it's this glass shape makes me feel like I've lost my masculine. Like what are you talking about? Yeah, there's the badass and cool thing in that situation is do what the fuck you want, which is, oh, I'll have that fruity drink with a flower in it and whatever. And if anyone thinks that's weird, one, they suck and two, I don't care. Yeah, right. Like that. I just it's so funny to me that people always just like it's just embarrassing.

It is. And it's, it's, good. I'm watching it. Teeter. Niles phone is teetering. You underestimate how sticky my legs are. It's true. I do. Um, it's one of those, just things that I really, I mean, especially now more than anything we need, like men fucked up real bad. More than anything we need like men fucked up real bad and I understand that a lot of it comes from the the the radicalization of Being sort of the punching bag and and rightfully so we are the cause of a lot of shit

Yeah, well, I think feeling like you're the punching bag as opposed to realizing there's legitimate like yes You're not just a scapegoat. It was not just ganging up on you. Yeah, you have to realize there are legitimate problems. And when people talk about again, we had someone freak out on Reddit the other day about us using the term talk toxic masculinity. That's an established term and has been for a couple of decades. I'm not saying men are bad and neither is the term.

Yeah. So it's like getting hung up on things like that. And like the not all men movement. It's like no one's saying all men, but enough of them. That's a fucking issue. Well, yeah. When you look at the demographics of who voted for Trump, like white men are the largest demographic. So it's like when trans people say they don't feel safe around white men, statistically, they have the right to when black women feel like they're not safe around white men. Yeah. Statistically, they have the right to when black women feel like they're not safe around or any woman feels you've literally put a fucking sign on your front lawn that says the guy that hates you is my boy. Yeah. That's insane.

You know what I mean? I and I love what's like, oh, like, I don't like his personality or blah, blah, blah, but his like views or vice versa or whatever. There's no ifs and buts. It's like, I can't be like, oh, this guy is a Nazi and this guy wants to kill all the people I love. But like, he's got cool hair. Yeah. Like, what are you fucking talking about? There's no if some, but yeah, they comes as a full package. And even if someone was like, hey, you're gonna make a lot more money, which he won't, by the way, but if they were, and I decided that that is worth more than the safety of trans folks, gay folks, black people, people of color, like anything, anybody, I would be scumbag. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. And then you have the rise of people like Elon Musk and Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson, all these people who are so good at making other people,

specifically men, young men, feel like they're not the problem, right? Society is the problem. The matrix, the the, you know, whatever the woke left, blah, blah, blah. Like these are the problems right over here. It's not you. You don't need to change everything else does. Well, like society is the problem, but society makes young men into, you know what I mean? Like it's not just your young man, your problem.

But like, if you're not willing to look at how you might be a problem or how you are and your role in society, whether you participate or not, like I acknowledge, I mean, we both do, we both acknowledge that we have a responsibility as white, straight, you know, cis het men. Yeah. Like we have a much greater social responsibility and political responsibility in our obligations to society. Yeah. We do.

We hold the lion's share of the power. We have all of the privilege. Like we really do have sort of like the lottery of privilege. And I think we also have the opportunity to be the worst problem too. Yeah. Like that we have the privilege and the power to be the biggest scumbags. That's like, so it's doubly so we could be the best helpers or we could be the worst hindrances. And it's like, you got to take that responsibility. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And like, I also want to point out, like we've mentioned it before, but it's like you got to take that responsibility. You know what I mean? Yeah. And like, I also want to point out, like we've mentioned it before, but it's like me and Dame weren't born perfect. No. We weren't 13 year olds who were like, oh, I'm super like educated and good and like, don't do toxic things and I'm not bad. Like that's insane. We grew as people based on our experiences and other people and like getting better.

You know what I mean? Opening our hearts to different communities like like I don't want people to think we're like, oh, we're shining angels. No, no, no. Like there's still shit we could learn and be better. 100 percent, 100 percent. And like, I'm sure a 13 year old now hearing this probably be like, who are these fucking idiots?

And that's fine. But you need to put in the work to grow, which is what I did and what Dane did and what you can do. And it's, I don't know. I just, I hope. It just blows my mind that like people can listen to the fears of the gay community, the fears of the trans community, the fears of of women and say, no, I'm right. Actually, like what I believe is right. I don't care that you fear every time that you go to the washroom I don't care that you fear every time you go out for dinner with your boyfriend I don't care that you are scared all of the time

You know, I don't care that I'm going to be implicit in stripping away your rights Yeah Like that to me like you can't deem yourself a good person regardless of what you think you may think you're doing the right thing You may think that you know, you're protecting, you know, unborn life. You may think all these things, but when the people that you're currently affecting are saying, this is hurting us, this is killing us,

this is going to make it very, very hard for us, not being willing to budge in the least bit is wild to me. And there's things that, like, I don't know where I stand. Right. Like, and I'll be blatantly honest. It's tough to talk about. Like people have have challenged me on like, you know, trans athletes in sports. And I'm like, I don't really know because I don't have the science. I don't have the I don't have the bio professionals.

I don't I don't know. Because we can have an opinion on something doesn't necessarily mean we should. Yeah. Because like, you know, you could talk to like like now. What do you think we should do for climate change? I might be able to be like hey Corporation should probably stop ruling everything. Yeah Taylor Swift take a few less flights don't come for me But like I'm not a fucking scientist Yeah, you know I mean and it's when people report to be experts in these fields that the shit goes wrong ie Republic, you know, I mean like it's it's crazy because it's like people like people will say things,

people regurgitate things like people be like, well, oh, the biological differences between men and women make it an unfair thing. It's like, cool. Then like, is there going to be a height cap in the NBA? Yeah, because that's a genetic advantage. Are we going to kick fulps? Fulps with your high twitch yes. You like who doesn't produce lactic acid like that's a genetic advantage. Like all these people have genetic advantages. That's what makes them incredible

athletes. So if we're going to like bar genetic advantages in sports, then like sure. But then let's say people who are over six, two aren't allowed in the NBA because there's a genetic advantage. Right. Why is it just oh, here, we'll do that everywhere else. Fuck it. Wild West. Yeah. Like, yeah.

So anyway, because I'm telling you right now, you put Serena Williams against the average male competitor. She's going to beat the shit out of them. They're going to die. The ball is going to pass through their skull. And like it's and it's just fucking dumb. It's just real dumb. Yeah. So I don't even know how we got onto this but like we can be good people and you should be a good person

You should have the self-respect stand up for yourself not put yourself You should have the intelligence not put yourself in the bad position You should have the strength of will and morality to not do this to another person and also you should have the emotional Intelligence and strength to realize that saying hey and being kind to your neighbor does not a does not Mean you're you're getting fucking picked up. Yeah. Yeah This is from objective patient Yesterday had the weirdest sexual experience. I've known this guy from uni for a while now We'd hang out occasionally and kiss and I liked them for how laid-back he seemed almost too laid-back

Honestly, always a good start. What does it mean? When we are together, he barely talks. He just asks me to talk about anything. He doesn't really put in any effort. Recently, it was my birthday and I invited him over. This was the third time he'd been to my place. I bought a cake and made dinner for us and honestly, I was hoping he'd do something nice for me.

Even something really small, a flower, a little gift, just a gesture. But he came over empty handed. No card, no flowers, not even a pack of gum. I'd even told him that my birthday is a big deal for me and that small gestures mean the world to me, but nothing. Then there's this ongoing issue with intimacy. He's super quiet about his knees and won't communicate at all.

The first few times he came over, after what felt like an eternity of foreplay, he refused to have sex, which is fine, but I asked him at least to let me know why, or at the very least, not to go so far with foreplay just to leave me hanging. I personally find that very frustrating. He didn't give me an explanation and just kept doing intense foreplay. Last night it happened again. Four hours of foreplay. I finally asked him if he planned on actually having sex but if I or if I should just give up hoping. He told

me to be quiet that he knew what he was doing. Then out of nowhere he turned or he got me in his doggy position, fucked me about two minutes and then stopped. When I asked him to keep going, he said later. Of course, later never came and I felt like I was being tortured. I even started crying because it was just too much. He let me give him a blowjob then asked me to stop because he didn't want to come. When I asked why, he told me that he didn't want to make a mess. I told him that I have tissues, water and that I didn't really mind the mess. When I asked him about it, he tried to explain that he didn't want to do it all at once because he thinks that it'll make things less exciting next time.

Like he wants to do it in small doses so we don't get bored. This just feels weird and frustrating me because I want to have natural experiences, not some rationed situation that leaves me feeling stuck. After he left, I felt really uncomfortable, like I was leaking a lot of fluid, which never happens to me. I even asked him if he finished inside and he said no, but when I checked, it definitely smelled like semen, so now I'm almost sure he did. I feel so confused, hurt and frustrated. I don't know if this is normal or if I'm overreacting, but I feel like he's really inconsiderate of my feelings and needs.

He's generally a kind-hearted guy and I love spending time with him. What do I even do with someone like this? Any advice? Fuck man, my theory's out the window. What was this? What was your theory? No, not November. Right? He wouldn't do it. Maybe it was no, not November. He just lost control. Yeah. Uh, and it was going to be really funny. And it was the only grain of light in this world. But then the question got actually kind of dark and shit and just no fun for me

today, I guess. Nope. Uh, like I love that they say say he seems like a really kindhearted guy, but also he doesn't talk to me, won't do anything to me, won't answer my questions, lied to me about coming inside me, and told me to shut up. I mean, that's the thing, like, I never, this is, I mean, we've talked about it. This has been my whole thing this year of being like, what do you mean? What do you mean he's a kindhearted guy that you like spending time with. What does he do that you enjoy spending time with? He just makes you talk. He doesn't talk to you.

He just sits there. He's too fucking chill. He's too chill. Like why? What about him is kindhearted? You told him, like you pretty much fucking rolled out a red carpet. Which like Hintville, you know, hints are one thing, whatever. But like this is pretty obvious and clear and he didn't do that. And that's not like the worst thing in the world. But it's also not the actions of a kind hearted man that you're talking.

I think it's a pretty clear indication of like, if someone told me, hey, do you want to come over for my birthday? That would be all I need. I would get you something. Yeah. But then you went even further to say, small gestures, or my birthday's a really big deal, and small gestures are really, really important to me. He was like, oh, he returned the iPad he bought. He was like, smaller. OK, how about four hours of coilingus?

Also, it's like, is he not making you come during this foreplay? I assume not. It sounds like he isn't. Yeah. And that is, like, impressive. And awful, but impressive. The whole like, hey, shut your mouth. I know what I assume not. It sounds like he isn't. Yeah. And that is like impressive. And the awful but impressive. Like, hey, shut your mouth. I know what I'm doing. Do you? Do you?

Unless what he thought he knew was how to know not November, in which case he failed. Like, and then I mean, just glazing over that particular part of the question, like, there is nothing in this question in the way that you've described him to reveal to me that he sounds like any fun to hang out with, that he's kind hearted to reveal that he's worth any of your time or to even reveal that you enjoy spending any time. You cried last time. You said he's too chill. You said he doesn't speak. And then you went on to say he ignored you like for your birthday, sexually, et cetera. Yeah. He won't talk to you. So he's a a bad communicator he doesn't seem to care about your

feelings and then he lied to you and also assaulted you yes like I mean if he's what happened like I know it's sort of like a gray area right now cuz like you're not too sure and he said no but like if if you think that he came inside you if he jackulated inside you with like I don't know if you talked about it prior yeah but if you didn't that's awful terrible and it's just not it's all bad why would you want to be with this person so I I don't think you're reacting enough I think you are under reacting to this situation in the sense that like you need to like talk to the dude I honestly I don't think you should see him no I think I like go get plan B yeah firstly 100% Secondly don't see the guy

because it sounds awful I promise you that you could find someone who would be interested in talking to you interested in sharing with you and probably pretty stoked to have sex with you I don't think that this is a relationship that's adding anything to your life. No, you're crying and miserable. Other than sexual frustration and sadness. Yeah, this is bad. And like, it's funny because there are reasons, like, at the start, before things got really bad, I was like, oh, there might be reasons why he doesn't want to have sex yet, which is fine. You cannot want to have sex yet.

However, this isn't how you go about it. So it's like all sympathy and all standpoints I can have for you are gone in the face of you sucking so much. Yeah, because like if again, if there's a reason why you don't want to have sex, that's fine. You can maybe play it off, make her come whatever. Yeah. And just sort of like, oh, not tonight, whatever. But if someone asks you, hey, it's like, hey, I would like to have sex with you. And you're just like, shut up. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Like, right. Like that's that's being a bad partner. It's being a bad person at that point in time. You do have to be like, I'm not ready to have sex with you and you're just like, shut up. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Like, right. Like that's, that's being a bad partner.

It's being a bad person at that point in time. You do have to be like, I'm not ready to have sex with you. I don't want to have sex for X, Y, and Z. You might not have to go into super intense detail as to why, but just enough of an excuse or enough of an answer to be like, I'm not interested in having sex right now because I don't think I'm writing. Yeah. Or like, I'm sorry.

I just don't want to. That's fine. But like, I think we've talked about kinks and consent and all that shit. And I think if again, confusing, but if you're actively working this person up and then like refraining from bringing them to orgasm kind of deal, like if you're just like edging them. Yeah. That's the thing you need to talk about. It's not just the thing you do to somebody. Yeah. So don't do that either. That's also not.

I mean, I don't I literally do not think I would have the patience to sit through four hours of a foreplay Like maybe that's I love I love having a blowjob. I love getting a blowjob But for four hours, I'd go crazy. I'd go fucking crazy I might know also like did he get mixed up? Does he think before in foreplay is like the hour numerical? Yeah. Yeah Did he get mixed up? Does he think before in foreplay is like the hour numerical? Yeah. Yeah Well, just no like him to go down on you that or whatever he's doing for that long and not Achieve any sort of sexual satisfaction. So confused like what are you doing? also at this point in time like if he's just going down and he's not getting anywhere or

Like again actively getting you there and then backing away because again that's that's like that's a certain sexual act you need consent for yeah right like orgasm denial isn't cool to just do for kicks especially if if you're not well especially if someone's like hey yo yeah i would like more you're like shut up i know what i'm doing don't don't date this guy it's bad odds by significant yogurt 56 my boyfriend 24 sent me a list of things He hates about me 24 female on my birthday. How do we get through this difficult time? So this would have been a great gift for the other guy to list of things about yeah Yeah, maybe it is maybe like they've been together a year other day was my 24th birthday

I super excited spend the day with my boyfriend in the morning. I called him to ask when we'd be hanging out He seemed super annoyed about it. so I hung up on him. I know I shouldn't have, but I ended up apologizing for it. Well, when I went to text him about me being upset that he seemed annoyed, he then proceeded to write a multitude of text messages explaining to me all the things I've done in the past six months that he cannot stand. He stated I make him so depressed I don't even want to leave the house at times. This was just one of many things. He also stated that we won't be getting engaged for a very long time. We talk about engagement quite a bit.

He then continued to ignore me for the rest of the day. I ended up not spending any time with him on my birthday. Ended up crying for five hours. Today we ended up texting each other and after three years of being together, I'm pretty sure we're broken up. Hard for me to tell because he's hardly responding. How do I get through this emotional time? He typically never says anything mean to me, but clearly has communication issues Wow

I mean, thankfully we do have a little plug here on our patreon We do have a pretty comprehensive how to deal with breakups because I think whether you are or not currently I think you should be step one figure out if you want.. Yeah that's a pretty good that's pretty good first step. Honestly I don't even think I think you should just confirm that you are because I don't think this person is worth dating like from either point of view right like if I was with someone who told me that I made them so depressed that they didn't want to leave their house I'd be like cool we're not gonna date anymore because I don't want to be responsible for that. For sure. I don't know what I'm doing to you specific well either I'm in the wrong or there's something really wrong

Between me and you and either way that's gonna be a no for me Yeah, I like I don't want to I don't want you to be like that No, so if if I'm the cause of this depression, I'm gonna see myself out Yeah for your sake and for my sake because you are being real shit to me as well I would love to know like I would love to know more like Is was other things happening and was just the final straw or is he just a gigantic piece of shit or a bit of both? You know to me because like it seemed wild to be like I called him and then put it on the bottom and like Don't hang up like I'm gonna get like how much of a dick was he being on the phone like yeah

But if that was the case, why would you want to hang out with you? No, I mean, so it's like and is this like is this a new thing versus how it's always been Yeah, right, like I don't get it But I really do think that this is like I don't think you should try to salvage this Again, unless he comes out and is like hey, I'm really sorry. I've been really depressed. My mental health is really bad. I lashed out for you unjustly, you know, and like bubble. Here's, here's what's happened. Here's what's actually going on with me. Here are the steps I'm taking to fix it, to deal with it.

In the specific circumstance where there's a genuine reason and a genuine apology all expressed well with a plan to move forward. Sure. But like, it seems like it's a good thing you guys are breaking up. Yes. And again, good for you because you're avoiding this engagement with someone who, regardless of who's in the wrong, it isn't working out with. Yeah. And you're young. This is all great. Don't like, obviously it sucks. Go listen to our thing about breakups. That'll help you through it. But like, I don't think there's a reason to go on with this. And it's like, the only thing you might Think is like the sunk cost fallacy, which is like, oh, it's been so long

Get out don't waste more time. That's the thing for thing about yeah, you're so young. It's great The thing about being like the sunk cost fallacy is like it shouldn't be I've put in X amount I can't leave it should be I don't want to waste more time. Gotta go. Yeah, right. It should be don't sink more cost Yes, exactly. Um, you fuck Gotta go. Yeah, right. It should be. Don't sink more cost fallacy. Yes, exactly. Um, fuck this guy. Yeah, he's bad. One way or another.

It's a bad situation. I would look through what he said and how you act and see if there's veracity to it. Cause I think, you know, we could all do with a little self-reflection every 100% and then move the fuck on. If you feel like there are things you need to change about yourself, change you moving forward. you feel like he's just being a dick great. Yeah move on either way. This is long-jumping bass I cry every time that we're about to have sex and 12 months into the relationship. We still don't do anything So I'm a 30 year old female my first relationship My girlfriend is a bit older 36 year old male or female and incredibly patient

We started a couple years ago as Friends and slowly became more than friends. I guess she didn't dump me yet because we're good friends But I fear it will happen and I mean it's been a year I will be honest with you guys I never experienced safe touch as a kid if I was ever touched it was beating the shit out of me I was always undressed So now the idea of being naked sends me back into those moments right before spanking where I was already shaking from fear and crying My girlfriend is incredibly patient, but I can't imagine how this relationship will ever be satisfying to her I'm in therapy since or for a few months

But my situation didn't approve recently my parents came to visit me and my father just adjusted the position of his belt in his pants And the sound of that sent me into tears I spent the whole afternoon crying so hard in my bed that my partner wanted to call an ambulance because she thought it would be harmful for me. She later told me that I had been in bed for seven hours. She was there holding me close. The thing is, I really wanna have experiences with her, but I don't even know how to undress myself.

She has never seen me naked. I have marks on my buttocks because when my father was beating me with a whip, he cut the skin. No one has seen it so far. I don't know what to do anymore. Incredibly depressing. Yeah, it's a bummer. Yeah, I'm really sorry.

Um, like therapy is, you know, I know you said you've done it, what, three months and it hasn't helped yet, but therapy isn't just like a magic pill. Yeah. You don't go once and it's good, you know what I mean? It is an ongoing process and maybe your therapist isn't right for you, maybe it's just a thing that you will get there eventually, but it's like trauma like this isn't easy to undo. And I think continuing to do therapy, I really hope you're like, oh, I did three months of therapy, so it's obviously not working. What else is there? I hope you're going to continue to do that. Because my worries are, if you're in this relationship and you feel like you need to do this thing to keep this person with you, but it's clearly a thing you cannot do, you're going to cause yourself a lot of stress and anger and maybe build on top of the trauma.

I don't want to say you shouldn't be with this person, but if it's going to harm you mentally, maybe you should take a break. you should take a break. Maybe it would be easier for you to deal with this if you were single and didn't have the threat of losing your relationship, warring with the threat of dealing with this trauma that you have. Alternatively, it doesn't say that he's talked to her about this.

And I understand that this is a huge, but you've been together for a year. It's two ladies, right? No, it's a man and a woman. I think I might've switched when I was looking at, sorry, it's a 30 year old male and a 36 year old female. Like have this conversation with her, talk to her about it. And I think the risk of losing someone

usually comes from someone being like, I don't know what the fuck is happening. Yes. Right? Like if they don't understand, but also like let them know that this is an ongoing process because sometimes it might be too much for someone and it might be better for them to also leave because like being, being in a relationship with someone who has

a lot of trauma to, to heal, not everyone, like it doesn't absolve them of their own issues and their own trauma. And like, just cause you are with someone or love them or whatever, it doesn't mean you are like capable of, of dealing with things and nor should you be. Yeah. But I mean, the fact that she has been this patient and this caring and this or whatever doesn't mean you are like capable of dealing with things. And nor should you be, you know? But I mean, the fact that she has been this patient and this caring and this sort of like, you know, spending all this time with you and making sure that you're okay and not being upset with the fact that you guys haven't had sex for a full year. I think that's a pretty good indication that perhaps she's in it because she cares

about you. Right. And I think letting her in might be, I mean, I think maybe talk to your therapist beforehand. Yes, again, like not professionals. Yeah, so like maybe run it by your therapist and be like, you know, I'm very concerned that I'm going to lose or my relationship is gonna suffer because of this.

You know, what do you think of me sharing my experience or at least like cracking the door a little bit to my partner so that she understands the context? Because if I was with someone for a year and they wouldn't let me see them naked, let alone have sex, I would be curious. I would wanna know what's happening, especially with these kind of reactions.

The knowledge helps you actually make a decision. If you don't have knowledge, you're in gray area where every thought that comes into your head is a possibility and maybe is, maybe isn't. Maybe it's you, maybe it's whatever. And that's not a fun spot to be in. Also, I worry that you're going from zero to a hundred. What other things do you guys do? Can you hug? Can you hold hands? You say you've never experienced safe touch. Surely you have in this relationship. And if you haven't, why are you jumping to getting naked and having

sex? You know what I mean? Like start with hand holding and hugging and like cuddling and you know, if taking clothes off is the biggest trigger, can you do stuff while clothed? You know what I mean? Can you like there's so much that isn't just 100% right? So it's like isn't just sex. Obviously we don't know everything.

This could all of them things you tried and again therapists first and foremost us second most or us under second But like you know we would say the same if someone like was a virgin and want to fuck but hadn't like made out Yeah, you know like there's something to be said for like the ladder approach going rung by rung instead of just jumping in the deep end. Especially when you have trauma regarding these specific things. Yeah. So I would change it from I've never had safe touch to, oh, this is what safe touch is, which leads to the next most.

I feel safe with this person touching me. Yeah. And again, it might be, you know, a big step to go from a brief, like two second hug to holding hands for a long time to walk to snuggling on the couch. Those all may be major milestones for you. So take your time. But again, I really do think the partner needs to understand that because if someone was making a big deal about holding my hand, I would be a little confused.

It's not a traditional thing that people get hung up on. Also, I think, and we talked about this with men who can't stay in the erection or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, do you do things for your partner? Because if you, you obviously have your trauma and that is its own thing that we're dealing with right now. But if you're able to sexually satisfy your partner, then I think a lot of that fear, again, if this is a thing that your trauma doesn't extend to, if it does, obviously it's the same issue. But like if you can sexually satisfy them, I think that will take a lot of the pressure off you thinking that they're going to need to go find someone else. And maybe it'll also be nice for you to be like, oh, like this is a safe sexual, because you're still being intimate, engaging in

sexual activities. You're just less at risk because you're still being intimate, engaging in sexual activities. You're just less at risk because you're not being as vulnerable, right? So it's like, maybe seeing them do it will be arousing and hot, unlike might combat the fear, but also you'll get to experience what safe intimate touch is like, because you're the one being safe and intimate,

and they're the ones being vulnerable happily, you know? And again, I don't know how, how possible this is. I don't, I don't know what your situation, but like maybe stop seeing your family. Like, yeah. Right. Like if I seen your dad's going to make you cry for a whole day, like if, if you're actively working to, to deal with this, I think re like re immersing yourself in a visceral experience that makes you this upset is a bad idea.

And like, it might be tough for them to hear that, like, but this man did a very bad thing to you for presumably a very long time. Yeah. And he's going back. It's owed nothing. Yeah. So I think you're you're a grown man who's developing a relationship with another adult. I think you have the right to be like, no, I don't want to see you. And if you feel unsafe, you don't even have to be that upfront. You can just be like, oh, sorry, I'm busy that day.

Or, oh, you can't come in. And I mean, like set your boundaries. You can lie. You can obfuscate. You can do whatever. If again, you feel unsafe, but like that, you don't owe these fuckers anything. Nope. So it's, it's one of those things where I think that maybe taking, uh, cutting them

out of the life for a little bit. And this might suck because maybe you have a great relationship with your mother and that might be a tough thing, but like, I really do think healing is going to be a very, very tough. If you have a good relationship with your mom, there's no way they're not going to fucking get it because yes, unless they don't know. In which case that's a whole other thing. Yeah.

You, you know, I'm sorry, this is awful. You can, you can get through this. Yeah. I keep focusing on the therapy. Keep realizing that as Niel said, it's not a switch that gets flipped. It is undoing trauma, especially something as tough and as terrible as this,

takes time and it might be something that you have to work on for the rest of your life. This might be something that really doesn't go away. It's just something that you kind of shrink and compartmentalize and figure out how to deal with one day at a time. Or from instance to instance, I think you need to let your partner in at some point and, and inform them. Or as Niles said,

give them the opportunity or make the choice of being like, I need to focus on me right now. And our relationship is just making that harder. And as much as I like you, as much as I care about you, as much as I love you, I don't think it's fair to, to keep you here. And I need to focus on me. And I think if she does care about you, she would understand because I don't, I would have a hard time if I was dating someone who, you know, was going through this and was crying for seven hours and crying so hard.

I thought I might have to call 911. Like that's so traumatic for your partner as well. Like if someone then said, I recognize I have a problem and I'm working very hard and unfortunately, I can't do that with you, it would suck, I would be sad, but I would be like, yes, I 100% understand. Do it, please. And if there's anything you need from me, let me know.

If I can help you anyway, let me know. But like, I understand where you're coming from. And like, be honest with yourself. If being in this relationship is causing you more hardship, help yourself by getting out of it. If you think it's something you can deal with, go and say, like, talk to your therapist and then try to open up about it. Try to escalate slowly, incrementally.

You know what I mean? Yeah. But like, don't stay in this relationship as like a safety blanket when it isn't. You know what I mean, yeah But like don't stay in this relationship as like a safety blanket when it isn't you know I mean, which sometimes we lie to ourselves and I can do this when you know, you fucking can't yeah More before I don't know. I don't think so. I think those things are pressing. Yeah, it was heavy. It was heavy quick Yeah, okay. Fuck it. Let's do it. This is by xxx vintage xxx guy 25 I'm 23 female dating keeps bringing up his height and bragging about it starting to get annoyed as it says he's pretty tall 65 and every date we've had so far three he somehow brings up that he's 65

We could be talking about work or something and he'll somehow weave in his height at least twice a date thinking about ending it This is one of those things where I think you need to It's something I think you need to, it's something I love to do to Irish people on St. Patrick's day. Oi is when they need to announce that they are Irish. And it's like, yeah, dude, I know I can tell by your accent. But what I like to do is say, Oh really? How long have you been over here? It's like, you barely have an accent and watch their whole reality unravel in front of them. I think at this point in time, you just be like, oh, you don't seem that tall.

So I get you. But the thing is, let's be a little kind here. I think the reason they're doing it is because they've been shown through like seduction or a million dating profiles that are like, must be six and above that they're like, must be six and above that they're like, oh, that's my worth. Yeah. I got to be like, oh, this is my worth. This is my worth. Like, holy shit, do you know? Which is dumb, because if you're six, five, it's fairly apparent. Unless you're six, four, six, four in heels.

And you're like, oh, so like the kind part of me understands that he's coming from a point of either desperation, insecurity and like being told that's what he's worth. But like also come on, dude, what are you fucking doing? So I think maybe a it's not even like, like if you one thing if he was six foot, right? Like, and you really want to like, but like six foot, like it's very obvious that you're tall, like it is not a surprise or a secret that you're a big boy yeah unfortunately not allowed to play in the NBA no not anymore too tall no Republicans yeah next year your genetic freak five seven and below only that would be great hey I would fucking watch that that would be amazing there

should be like leagues based on this should be it's like the the peewee For sure like I'd finally have a chance to dunk some hoops man if there was a seat I'm really bad at basketball. So I think I'd still fail in them. Oh, I would be yeah I don't know not a lot of like, you know, no one's playing basketball a lot of short Kings out there Yeah, they're not allowed to hoops. Yeah, maybe maybe maybe, maybe. Maybe this is our time. Make it happen. We have NBA, but it's all in our case. Yeah. Um, well, NBA little guys. Yeah. Uh, I think I think do do rag on them about it, but like gently. Yeah. Oh, really? Are you six five?

I hadn't noticed and like laugh about and be like, don't worry big guy like I get it and like hopefully that'll go and maybe he'll be like, uh and Sheepish and like it'll be a fun moment as maybe he'll just be like shit and then just don't be like I think you gotta call him on it and then like, you know, if you ever invite him over to your place Maybe put something real high up and when he comes over here and be like, Oh, could you like, I need to get that down. And it's just so dang high up. And you're so tall. I think put a little sticker that says six, five on the top of your cabinets, but it's actually like six, eight. And then when he reaches, be like,

I thought you said you were six, five. Yeah. You know, just, I don't know, live your life. I guess tall guy. That's going to do it, friends. Thank you very much for hanging out with us. We love you. We love you. We hope you're okay. Everything is transient.

We'll get through this. You've done it before. I think it'll be tough. I think it's gonna be some rough times ahead. I think it's gonna be some scary times ahead. But the one thing they can't take away from people is is community and caring for each other

and empathy as long as you still have that. I was fighting so hard not to make a joke and add podcasts to the list. You know, I think I think that's kind of what we have to remember is the strength and sort of the backbone of resistance. Take care of yourself.

Do what you need to take care of yourself and take care of your friends. We will do our best to to bring a little light and joy when we can. How would you yell at the mic? Yeah. Or we'll just yell at the mic. Yeah. I was going to shout for a lot of this episode. Yeah. I feel really dizzy. So this is probably should get out of the closet. I hit you with this. This is our bad sex, right?

Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Heartseizer song, Paper Stars. Now buckle in because this is great. Any other period havers here who use drinking as a way of drying up that tail end of the bleeding. If I drink, it usually clears out the last two days for me. So I can continue living in peace without any liners or anything. Reply. You can blast off five or six orgasms in the shower, then hold your nose and blow as if you're popping your ears.

The orgasms contract the uterus and speed up the lining shedding and then blowing shoots it out like a jellyfish sized pile of uterine lining. Waffle stomp that son of a bitch down the drain. And you got yourself a two day period. But doing it for six or ten years now, my doctor says, is totally safe. While silently judging me. I was really I'm glad that was another period haver. Hey, maybe it's not. Hey, if it's not, if you are someone who doesn't have a uterus and you're pulling this move,

yeah, I don't think the doctor is agreeing with you. But hey, I'm glad that this wasn't a misinformed man telling a uterus owner how to finish her off. But cool. Hey, the best cures are the ones that involve five or six orgasms. And waffle stomp. Waffle stomp. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Payne.

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