F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 319 - Slurpin' Balls In Your Mouth

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

Literally every delicious food could be made into a dick or balls.  Are we supposed to starve?!  Topics include shivering her timbers, boba is sus, cheating on your girlfriend before cheating on No Nut November, and how to train your girlfriend.

I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dave Miller and I'm Niles Spain and we're your fuck buddies. We're a dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. Simply put, we find questions online if websites are working and we answer them for you right here right now in your ears, sometimes on stage, always on Patreon. Go support us if you want to.

But this week we're going to talk about she hates my pirate ship bed. What an idiot bed she canceled because she said Boba tea is too suspicious boyfriend is on the no nut November server where girls egg him on to give in please help huh and girlfriend is awful at sex how do I fix this I just thought I'd jump in yeah and to say before we really just not really you know it goes because like anything I'm gonna say I'm gonna start talking about and then it's gonna be like a Spiral into what we did the last time when he shall not be named one

This is why throw our a bad 98 my 19 year old female boyfriend 22 year old male has a pirate ship bed and refuses to change it help Yes, you read correctly my 22 year old boyfriend has a replica of the black pearl as his bed both in college currently I live in the dorm while my boyfriend has his own apartment. Out of respect for my roommate I sleep over at my boyfriend's place instead of him sleeping in my bed since our dorm isn't that big. I love the Black Pearl and I think it's cute but we need a real bed at this point. I asked him if we could think about getting a new bed but he said we'd room the aesthetic.

I offered to chip in but he declined. We're not big people but a twin size mattress does not work. My boyfriend is 6'3 and hangs off the bed. That's the current situation at the moment. I'm headed over to the Black Pearl now. Wish me luck." Okay, I need so much more detail. When you say it's a replica of the Black Pearl, are we talking mass? Are we talking like the figurehead at the front? Or is it just like a generic pirate ship? Are we talking curse?

Is there a curse? You know, like, can he die? Does he walk under the water sometimes instead of getting a boat? Yeah, cuz he a skeleton like there's a lot when the moon shines Through the curtains does he go? You're in one. I Guess I should do the full call best start believing in ghost stories miss throw our a man 98 You're in one. It's like cuz there's all right that was so perfect I should probably explain that Nile sorry yes said that we didn't

Jeff Jeffrey Rush Jeffrey Rush whatever the fuck like if it is it just like a shitty IKEA like children's pirate bed because then I would agree with you yes not cool but if it's a custom-made that's fun cool shit and that's the thing right it's not if you don't fit right I think or it's so custom made, that's fun, cool shit. And that's the thing, right? It's not if you don't fit, right? I think or it's so cool. He has it even though he doesn't fit. That's the thing. What if it is so fucking cool?

You are entering into your college years in which the most important thing is facilitating a bed that can be fucked in. Well, he has a girlfriend. He's doing it. And she hates it. Well, get a better girlfriend. My real questions. I got a few. One, it'll ruin the aesthetic. Is the whole room pirate theme?

Is the rest of the room Pirates of the Caribbean theme? Because if you haven't, if you haven't told us this, I'm not going to help you. I won't. You don't deserve to be helped if you don't tell me that. Yeah. If I walk in and it looks like a, like a top tier sort of like, you know, Michelin listed Tiki bar restaurant, I, I I would I would be OK with it. If it does fit the aesthetic, then that.

But if it's just like what I imagine every other college 22 year old male's room is, which is a man on the floor, a stark white room with maybe a couple like dog eared posters and a like all tiny parts of the Caribbean, like a tiny Ikea desk with a gaming PC. Like the no, it's not ruining your aesthetic, bro. It is because it's the only aesthetic in the room. If you get rid of it, it's just college. Like you go into his roommates, exact same room.

Bar one thing. Yeah. Pirate ship. Yeah. Is what says some apart. Now she seems to say the pirate bed is the problem at the start. But as we move on, seems to just be size of bed. So bigger pirate, get a bigger, bigger pirate bed, maybe problem at the start But as we move on seems to just be size of bed so bigger pirate get a bigger bigger pirate bed Maybe a pirate Armada. Yeah Armada get the I don't know the name of the ship that Dutchman is that the one that's the one that can go underwater

No, Davey Jones live I was gonna say the one the the British one the the big like war machine one The camera what's called fuck Fuck, I should know. Man of arms, man of arms, man of arms, man of war, man of war. Man of war is the name of the type of shit. Yeah. Fuck is like it's not like the Commodore or the S. No, I believe it's like a woman's name, I think. OK, hold on. You keep talking while I look at this.

While we look up the name of the the British vessel, because it's like the one that's getting like blown up in slow motion. Right. And that's like that big ass. get one of those and then you're safe then you're good because then you get a king size The Dauntless. Yeah, great. Yeah get get a Dauntless get a Dauntless Hey, keep that one for like get a great day and then you can sleep in that one Then you've got a partnership our mother bed. Yeah a bed mart mother. Yeah Words are hard. I that's that's your like I think the problem is is you're saying let's get a new bed What you're not saying is let's get a bigger pirate bed. Yes, and that's the thing

He's gonna be convinced if you're saying he's hearing I want to strip away all the fun and love you have for life Yar, yeah, you could say let's have more fun and more room And maybe your legs won't ache in the morning because they're hanging off the bed. Maybe you can shiver me timbers better if you aren't if we're not spilling out of the bed every time we move. I can't imagine trying to sleep in a twin size bed by myself, let alone with a six three man in there with me.

I figure it out like because I've done on like trips and it's whatever. It's like I don't care. I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep. But like at home, this is your day to day nightly routine. That's how you know we're old. I would be unhappy at any age. I think I never liked like staying in someone else's bed, especially if it was a smaller one. Oh, I thought you were saying sleeping there alone. Pretty sure that's the exact words you said. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't, I wouldn't want to be, I also would not want to be in a there alone. I'm pretty sure that's the exact words you said. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't I wouldn't want to be. I also would not want to be in a tiny bed. I definitely I never want to be in a bed with anybody.

Yeah. Unless we're fucking like I hate I need my space and I'm a warm boy. Don't cuddle me like I have a king size bed right now. And that's incredible because they're they're so far away. Sometimes I roll over and I try to touch them. I can't. And that's that's a dream. Oh, I wish I had a king size bed. So that's the thing is like you join our Patreon, Dink and get a king size.

You just need to get a bigger pirate bed, bigger pirate bed, because again, if it's the size of the bed, this problem that you need to be like we need we need a bed fit for a pirate king sized bed. Yeah. And then there you go. Problem solved. I don't think again, this is for me.

I don't think you should be ruining it. Like, let this dude. The world's so fucked. If having a pirate bed brings him any like even just the smallest amount of joy. Fucking have your pirate beds. Usually, you know, nine. Maybe like when we started this podcast, I would have been like, it's time to grow up, man, like you're in a kid's bed, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But fuck it. Like I, I literally do not care anymore. If you are happy and something brings you joy, fucking do it. As long as everyone's safe and consensual. Yeah. Like make it, make it fit you and your lifestyle. But like, who cares? What's a pirate bed?

If I went home with someone who was cool and normal and they just had like a fucking sick pirate bed, I wouldn't give a shit. Yeah, I think it was rad. I wouldn't be like I would probably like I'm going to fuck you in this pirate bed. And then I'm going to leave because I'm not. I can't fit the twin bed. Yes, I'm here. You know what I mean? But if it's this upgraded pirate ship and oh, if it's a king size,

I would bet with like the mass or like a canopy like the sails or the canopy. That'd be cool. Yeah. Like try to get me out of that bad hoist the jib. My jibs already hoisted. Thinking right. Just get cover yourself in with the sails. Oh, I just like be honest. If you want a bigger bed, say that take the pirate ship out of it.

If you're upset about the pirate ship, don't say you need a bigger bed to try to like slip get rid of the pirate. I mean, just be honest. You know what I mean? And if you're embarrassed by it, like why? Who sees this? What do you care? That's honestly that's kind of like my thing, right?

Like it's the same thing as like if someone when someone's like, oh, my, my boyfriend's like a big anime nerd or a magic nerd or whatever. Fucking great. Like, what does it matter if your friends are like your boyfriend's a loser? It's your job to stand up for your boyfriend. Yeah. Right. Like also get better friends. Yeah. I mean, like, fuck it.

We play D&D all the time. Like not historically a cool thing. I write fantasy novels. Yeah. You know, it's not not cool. But like if my partner didn't think that, then I probably wouldn't be dating them. And they'd also suck. Yeah. So it's like if you're worried that like your friends

are going to find out that he sleeps on a pirate bed and That is going to have any impact on your life. Then you got shitty friends. Hmm. You're weird Yeah, and and like he's done nothing wrong. It feels very juvenile Yeah, I mean you're like and it's weird to say when we're talking about someone who's a pirate bed that you're the one being Exactly, and that's what you should think like in this situation. He has a black pearl replica bed and you're the one being a baby. Yeah. So get over it. But I do like you are an adult. You need to have an adult bed.

Yes. Yes. And if the only reason he isn't getting a bed that can fit him is because he loves this barbed so much like that sucks. But he does. He doesn't need to get a bigger bed. There is a level of growing up that needs to be done. Medically, I think he needs one.

If he's hanging off that bed. Yeah. So bad for your joints. It's yeah. Especially when you're that tall to be done medically. I think he needs one if he's hanging off that bed. Yeah, so bad for your joints. It's yeah, especially when you're that tall. It's already he's already got a shorter lifespan. Yeah. Anybody else? Did you know? I don't I can't remember the exact statistics,

but my partner was reading out the statistics of how many people actually have like a visible six pack. And it's something like within a million three people within like a million people, like 40 people will have a visible like six pack out it's something like within a million three people within like a million people like 40 people will have a visible like six pack never that million. They were like oh out of out of like everyone in New York like three hundred and something people have visible six

packs. I'm like that seems crazy to me. Yeah because the way the media shows is that we all have them. You should have one. I guess you should have one. But I feel like I know like four people that have you're thinking probably of like visible abs. Yeah, a six pack is like defined. I guess. Yeah, I guess we were talking about Yeah, I guess we would have I would need the like the definition of what we're talking. Also It's like are we talking visible when you're not tensing like just just

Always looking because I would believe that's wild. Yeah, I believe that but yeah, I just I don't know why that has to do anything I don't know what we're talking about that made me think of that pirate It's cuz Davy Jones. That's what they call his abs is Davy Jones locker. Yeah, I have a Davy Lewis locker cuz it's just one solid Container I got a dotless right here She canceled because she said Boba tea is too suspicious. Hey, I agree next question Yeah, this is my boba tea sucks the divine hustle I met a girl at my college and we casually been texting through the week Agreed to meet up today and go to a small Plaza with a bunch of different food and snack spots

Earlier today I text her to grab boba tea in the Plaza She said on second thoughts the fact that want balls in my mouth as a grown man is suspicious Probably isn't going to work out. I sent the laughing emoji because I thought she was joking. She said she's serious No grown man would want boba tea and it's just weird to her. I called her She didn't answer and reply that text. I'm there from her since and I'm stunned. Is there one ever heard of this? I'm guessing I dodged a bullet if she's judging me off boba tea Maybe I should have picked a better suggestion or something. No, okay Look, we're gonna go right back to the second question where if this is so, and

this is someone I fucking hate Boba tea. Boba tea, I think is one of the grossest things that's ever been invented. I don't understand the obsession. I also don't. I've had it and it's been fine. Would I go out of my way to get it? As a, as a heavily texture boy, the idea of having a drink and then all of a sudden there's a gummy like clump. The idea of having a drink and then all of a sudden there's a gummy

like clump. The other ones are better. The other ones are like like the tapioca. Yeah, like the gummy ones that like you can get ones that like burst and whatever they're kind of good. The other ones just kind of taste like or feel like wet carpet almost. Yeah, like anything any like it's the same reason why I don't like mojitos or like anything with like weird, weird like particulates because like

if I'm drinking something, I don't want like chunks of like stuff in my mouth. There's there's something about Boba where like you, you have to pay attention to your drink and it's like, I don't want to do that. But again, I don't mind it. Like, you know, if someone was, if we were in a place and they gave me one and be like, okay, I wouldn't go out of my way for it. It's fine. This, this weird. Yeah. Because it's not about the Boba tea to both the balls

It's like you have such a weird hang up that like is the man not only empty spaghetti meatballs No, not is that an unacceptable thing like Kenny? Where does it end like how? How round is it? I mean can ravioli can you have ravioli ravioli of skittles? You have skittles Can you have Marty's Timbits? What if you don't have holes people who are Canadian? What if you cut a sausage into like rounds rounds? Yeah, what no Maybe they're not even round. Maybe it's square. Yeah, too close. Can you have potatoes? Yeah, no like what I like it's such a strange Is it the sucking that you're also like you're thinking sucking and ball use a straw? Well, that's that that is a thing that people have been like

Yeah, shouldn't use straws this person Just get like a feeding bag. Yeah Yeah, no, this is it's it's very very strange. It's it's wild to I'm sure a lot of people think it But it's wild to out loud with your words say that's why you're not going on a date with someone What do you mean that people think that I'm sure there's a lot of shitty people sure yes Yes, you it almost sounds like you were saying that's a reasonable thing to think no no what I'm saying is it's it's even less reasonable because you've actually put it into like words and thought to another person of saying like, like drinking out of that straw must mean you want to suck a penis because it's vaguely shaped the same thing.

Which even like if that made sense, which it doesn't, you're just being like, I'm a huge homophobe. Yeah. Also, by erasure. Like, what do you do? Um, it's, it's wild. It's absolutely wild. Um, I would love like this person, you know, they probably complain about like,

oh, there's no good guys out there. There's no one out there. Like blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, the things you're complaining about, maybe if you weren't such a shit bag at this juncture, you'd actually give people a chance. Yeah. But it's like the tryhard who's like, you want to do a fucking bar where I can drink whiskey, neat, a bourbon bar. And they're like so manly. And then they suck shit. suck shit you know I mean like people who play into this weird like ultra hyper masculine like if she was like oh I want to do boba what am I you want me to suck balls yeah is this a musical or something like what are you talking about this sucks but you know what sucks almost more than this the fact that the person is like did I touch

a bullet yeah is this unreasonable come on you know and that's why I want to I will swing it back to the question one where it's Like if you like Boba tea I promise you you will find a woman that will also like Boba tea who won't judge you for Liking Boba tea, so don't don't cut out the things that you enjoy and that bring you happiness because order to things that you enjoy and that bring you happiness in order to appease a random woman that you didn't even really know. And the best part is this has brought you more happiness because it has foisted this woman away from you. And like maybe it doesn't feel like it when you get that rejection tax.

But like just Boba has saved you here because like think of it this way. And this is how I usually anytime I would get a rejection of some sort, I would try to like, you know, figure out the positive. Unless it was because I did something fucking stupid. And then I would try to learn the lesson. Yes. To make sure I didn't repeat that mistake is OK. You pivot and you're like, sorry, let's not do boba. Let's go get fucking bourbons or whatever to prove that you're manly.

It goes well. You go on a date or you start dating or whatever. And then it's another thing that you really enjoy video games, D&D with your friends, whatever drink you feel strong. That's gross. Using an umbrella. I can't believe you're hanging out with your friends. I can't believe you're playing video games. I can't believe you're playing whatever. You love the fucking soundtrack from Moana. Really? Yeah.

And so all of a sudden you can't listen to fucking fucking you're welcome anymore or how far I'll go or, or the song about the crab, the song about the crab. No one like shiny. Let's be fair. It's pretty good. It's fine. But you're not going to listen to it. You're not going to sing it with the boys when you're in the streets of fucking Bruce. Yeah. Um, I feel like, okay, we don't really do this, but we have a finite amount of questions today because Reddit is down and we didn't get them.

I don't know if we ever told this story, but we have mentioned it several times. And I just want to throw it out there just so people have a little bit of context. Niall and I and two of our friends did a Europe trip. They were only with us for a brief period of the beginning, but we went to Bruges and at one point in time, we did lose one of them. And for whatever reason, I don't know why we were singing it so much, but we were singing How Far I'll Go. All the time, yeah.

Because Moana had just recently come out at the time. And at one point in time, we lost our friend, no idea where he is, and Bruges isn't huge, but we were in like a huge like plaza square, like town square sort of thing. And we just started singing it. And then in the distance, you just hear and that's how we found him. So we found him. And it was the power of Moana.

And we just kept singing. We found out how far he went, which was to the other side of square to get Bicky burgers. Yeah. Which are a cigarette, which he doesn't smoke. Yeah. It was a great night. Yeah. Like when things like this happen, it's all too easy to be like, Oh, rejection sucks. I am lesser for it. But you really got to take a moment. As Dane said, it can go two ways. You either look at the

positives of like, Oh, this person sucks. Yeah. I'm not saying you got rejected. Go bitch. Fuck you. Yeah, that's not it. That's not it. because sometimes people just don't like you. And that's fine. Sometimes there isn't a lesson to be learned. And sometimes they don't suck. But you just like they don't like me. And that's good still because you don't want to be with someone that doesn't like you.

Yeah. If the rejection was, hey, I'm really sorry. We've been chatting for a little bit. I just don't feel any sort of like chemistry. And I don't want to waste either at times. Yeah, that is a perfectly fine rejection. at which point in time you're just there's there's no plus minus. I think there's still a positive is like they were honest with you. That's great.

They're not wasting your time. That's great. You find it out now rather than in a week or two. Yeah, there are positives to pretty much all these things, right? If you fucked up, there's not really a positive there because you suck, but you can turn it into something good by getting better, right? If you fucked up, there's not really a positive there because you suck, but you can turn it into something good by getting better, right? Right. If, for example, if you were something I used to do when I was younger, it was like, I would try to like turn conversation sexual like at every possible. And I know that turned a lot of ladies off

because it was just like, okay, fucking give it a rest. And it's like, if I had just been like chill, I could have turned it into actual sex most likely, you know what I mean? And it was a lesson that I learned. And's like you know so so that's another thing right so it's like you look you'd be like okay I did a thing yeah I'm going to to try to learn from that and whether it's like something as small as you know maybe maybe you were just a little too crass yeah maybe you got a little nervous on the date and drank too much you know yeah cuz like I had this one date that I thought went pretty well.

And it was one of the few dates where I was like, oh, I think that went well. And we got on and then we never, nothing ever kind of happened after that. And it was one of the few I couldn't really point to anything. But this was not too long after I moved over here where I used to drink a lot more. I wasn't getting more drunk necessarily, but like it was just like a cultural thing. So I had like a bunch of beers. And I realized it probably just looked bad where she had like a drink or two. And I think I had like five or six.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And I'm sure she was like, I'm not down with that. And that's fine. You know what I mean? And that was just a thing where I was like, oh, I think that was kind of a thing that probably stood out on this date where she was like, right, not my speed speed and that's fine. But when people suck, that's a good thing. Yeah, right take it as a positive You've saved yourself. They've saved you the world has saved you right like again I went home with someone who said they didn't want to have sex and then the next day we're like talking to their fucking roommate in the next room

We're like he's a fucking pussy like he didn't have sex with me blah blah blah And then she was reaching out trying to hang out. I'm like no you've done me the solid of teaching me you suck. So it's not negative that this is over it's a really good thing because Hanging up you just gonna get worse. So take it as a positive or learn the lesson. Don't be shit and that's it Yeah, for sure for sure But don't I'm sure but don't give up things that you like because a random woman has rejected you because of it. Unless the thing you like is like torturing animals. Yeah, unless you really, really like putting like ducks in bags and throwing them off a cliff.

Yeah. Don't do that. This is by GloriousTrash. My 26 year old female boyfriend, 25 year old male, is in a No Nut November server where girls egg him on to give in already. I don't know how to feel. Please help. Pretty much the title. Boyfriend is in a server unlike one I've ever heard of. One that has people acting as those trying to go along with No Nut November and others egging them on or teasing them into making them quit the month long abstinence. My boyfriend is steadfast abstinent with me for this stupid macho bullshit challenge and now I find out he's got a flock

of girls online taunting and teasing him and trying to essentially flirt him into coming? I just feel hollow and broken. Do I not fucking matter at all? Am I not a human being? I feel completely discarded and disregarded and it makes me want to avoid him at all costs most days, which I hate because I genuinely love him. I keep bursting into tears or flying into a rage over the smallest and most inane shit because I'm so unbelievably on edge now.

I just feel like I'm going crazy because he told me he doesn't know these girls nor care for them so it's not a big deal but if it's not a big deal why is it carving a hole in my chest? Help please. Damn I was gonna say like you know you do need to bring it up to him and talk to him about it but it seems like you've done that and then he's been like yeah but they don't matter this is fine don't worry about it it's just random girls on the internet. So like yes and no because I don't feel like you've brought it up if you just say it bothers me

They're like that's not big deal and then you leave it You know the mean and even just the very end where she's like if it's not a big deal Why is it carving a hole in my chest? He's saying it's not a big deal to him Yeah, it could still be a big deal to you, which is why like it's not like he goes Oh, it's not be be a deal and you're like, oh shit Oh, it is I feel that yeah, like yeah, you can't shoot someone be like that doesn't hurt a big deal to you, which is why. Like, it's not like he goes, oh, it's not a big deal. And you're like, oh shit. Oh, it is? Why do I feel that way then? Like.

Yeah, you can't shoot someone and be like, that doesn't hurt. It's not a big deal. Fuck. Don't worry about that. I feel like I'm bleeding to death. I do feel like an internal organ has been ruptured. It's the whole No Nut November thing.

We get, like, I don't know if I love or hate November, because we do get these questions and they're always at least they're different. I don't understand. Like I don't know. I w what was the origin of it? What was the, the intention of no nut November? All right. I'm going to monologue again.

Well, now does some Googling because so parts of Caribbean, apparently. Because for me, if, if this was a a if this started as a way to sort of like deprogram yourself from like over usage of porn or You know anything like that. I think that's fine I think if you if you take a moment and you want to be like hey, I need to I consume too much porn It's it's rewiring my brain a little bit perhaps desensitizing myself due to how much masturbating I do. If you if that's what you want to do. But like doing it for a month isn't going to change it.

I can tell by Niles' laughter that it's not going to be great. Well, there's a lot. There's it just takes a turn. OK, no, not November. Also abbreviated to NNN originally in 2011, but it was satirical. Although participants started to claim that absentee Abstaining from ejaculating and not watching pornography and health benefits and it really kind of came into popularity when there was a urban dictionary

entry made for it It's associated with the nofap community blah blah blah blah blah, but in 2017 a related internet challenge destroyed dick December What started serving as a counterpart, encouraging you to partake in excessive sexual activities in December. Okay, so then absolutely not useful for anything. No. Because I imagine a lot of the people who are participating in No Nut November have the option to have destroyed dick December with something other than their hand.

And that might be- Probably not, honestly. That might be an unfair assumption. I think it's... This is how lonely men are, that the only way they can find camaraderie is by not coming. So no camaraderie. Yeah. Yeah, it's... Getting back to the question, you have a problem with what he's doing.

Yes. And I think it's a valid problem. I think it's a very strange thing to have a problem with what he's doing. Yes. And I think it's a valid problem. I think it's a very strange thing to have a... This is a sexual relationship with other people, like strangers, albeit not a physical one. But this is really no different than sexting, depending on what they're sending, right? But I assume they're saying things in a sexually explicit manner hoping that'll arouse if not what we're sending pictures Yeah videos like I don't really know how it works But like so I want you to get to the bottom of why you're upset and I want you to be able to explain

Right, and I think one I'm giving you permission. You're allowed. This is Definitely an area you can be upset in. Yeah, but like do I not fucking matter? Oh, am I not a human being? You know, I mean like that like I want you to delve into why you feel that way more like do you feel like This is cheating because that is a reasonable thing, but like when you talk to him, and he's like oh, it doesn't matter I don't care then why is he in this server and oh, but like and then why is he doing it? And does he not feel like it's cheating and why won't he listen to you because you have a like a valid concern Yeah, he doesn't get to just say it's not a big deal. And you need to be able to stand up for yourself

and point out like, hey, you might not think it's a big deal, but I think it's a big deal and I would like for you to hear me out. Yeah, and I always find that it's kind of helpful to find analogies where if he doesn't think this is, it's like if you started an OnlyFans and had men sending you these messages, would it be a big deal? Yeah, right like like how what's what's the barrier or like can I can I be sending these messages to men?

Yeah, would you be okay if I were one of these women in one of these servers? Messaging another dude. Yeah, it would that be okay with you And if he is okay with it then like maybe you guys just have a different level of what like if he's like, yeah, no, I wouldn't care if he's OK. Nothing still doesn't mean you should be OK. Yes. Right. Like I think it's useful information. Yeah. To figure out like where they stand on it and maybe try to relate it to them. Yeah. If he's like, no, that's great. That doesn't mean you have to like reluctantly be like, well, shit, I guess.

OK. Yeah. Dane makes a good point. You might just have different sexual compatibilities and values. Yeah. And then as now was was it like, you know, getting to and talking about like at that point in time, you have to be like, hey, I'm not OK with this and I would like you to stop.

And that's sort of like one of those hard lines where it's not necessarily an ultimatum, but it is important to tell your partner when I never want to like be the person that tells someone they can't do what they want to do. But if I tell someone I'm like, hey, if we're going to be together, I'm not comfortable with you doing that. If you want to keep doing it, that's fine. But we're not going to be together anymore because I that's not we're crossing a boundary that I don't want to cross in a relationship. And they're also they

want to take your relationship in a different direction really because this is again it's akin to sexting or cheating again. You get to define cheating, but clearly this is a thing you feel is crossing the line. So I think you need to have a proper conversation with them. I don't think what you had counted because it seems like you just got debuffed by like a no, it's fine. That's not a conversation. Sit down, explain your things, try to relate it to him in a way he can understand. And like, don't take bullshit answers for answers. You know what I mean? If he's like, oh, it doesn't matter. I don't care. Why are you on here? Yeah. You know what I mean? And if his constant rebuttal, and this is something I've been talking to my friend

about quite a bit, because this is an answer that my friend has been getting in her relationship, where her partner, she'll bring something up, he'll do something stupid and she'll bring it up and he'll be like, I don't really care. And it's like, if the answer to your problems and the answer to your insecurities and how you're feeling and your emotions is I don't care, it might not be I don't care about you, but the long way, it's just a long path. Once you like, if you keep answering questions as to why he doesn't care and what he

Doesn't care about it. I promise you it's gonna circle back around to yeah I just don't care enough about you to change my behavior if in this situation It doesn't really like saying I don't care is still saying I don't care about how upset you are Yeah, you know I mean and how hurt you are and how betrayed you feel like it's the same thing. Yeah So you gotta have a proper conversation. You can't just be like well I mentioned it and that's it yeah I mean but your boyfriend might just suck yeah and if that's the case then you need to be like cool I hope you I wish you a long no not November because you're gonna hey yeah December 1st right dick December is

gonna be hard for you now yeah December, December first You will continue to be not nothing cuz I'm out. I've never heard of destroyed a December No, it does make me scared That's the thing. It's like the question we had the other day where it's like you fuck me up Like I don't want my dick destroyed. No, I want my mom blown not my dick destroyed He said my mom for a second. No, well my mom blown. OK. Hey, she deserves it. I mean, I kind of want to skip the fourth one for a different one. I have. OK. Fuck it. Do it. Pulling the rug out.

They're both good, though. They're both good. I don't care what we get. This one's longer. This is by Endure Power or entire power for 409. Please explain to my husband. He's she's 42. He's 41. Why I might be mad over his flaccid photo. I 42 husband 41, but married for five and a half years last Christmas He had an online affair with a woman he claims to have been in love with and pining for since middle school

They did not meet in person, but he did send her sexually explicit photos without her asking for the gross What about consent and without her sending any news to him which he sent frowny face emojis about also gross I'm finding extremely difficult to get over the affair due to him not following through with things he stated he would do as an apology. There has been no trust rebuilding. A specific issue in this post is one thing I've always enjoyed is seeing men jerking off, no other men, while I have been married, and while my husband was having his online affair he took a photo of himself doing this for her, exclaiming that she kept him hard

for hours several times, describing his orgasm, talking about fantasizing about her, dreaminglaiming that she kept him hard for hours several times, describing his orgasm, talking about fantasizing about her, dreaming about her. I expressed my hurt and anger after he took this photo and I was equally pissed that he had not sent one to me. After 11 months of bringing up this topic, which has affected me deeper than what it probably should, he finally sent me a photograph today, on the toilet, flaccid. He cannot understand why I would be upset he sent me a photo like this. He said, well, you keep asking me for a photo of my junk, here it is. He doesn't understand why I would be upset over him exclaiming

how sexually excited he is in photos for other women but can't provide the same for me. He states he's sexually interested in me, that is not him trying to make a commentary that he is not sexually interested in me, and he asks frequently to have sex with me. It's not an issue with sexual arousal in general, so it's not a photo that deliberately says I can't get excited for you, but he legitimately or is pretending to not understand why it upset me when I ask for sexually explicit photos that I personally find Exciting which he's willing to send to other women while we're married But instead I get a flaccid toilet photo instead how why why would I be angry? Could someone translate why I'm angry about flaccid toilet voting versus receiving fun ones into man speak for him

I don't know if there's a translation that matters because because my nose, because my translation is you're taking a shit and you're holding your limp dick. What what about that is sexy to you, dude? Like, even if you weren't taking shit, even if you were just like taking a taking a breather so you could sit down and get the right angle. And it's like the toilet is inherently tied to well we in poop we did this like I think one of our first episode yeah the dickly hollows the

dickly hollow is what we called it which episode was that it's definitely up there probably 18 or so yeah like one of our very first ones we had a thing about like why do man take dick pics while on the toilet and these were with erectics yeah it's still bad. It's not hot unless you have a specific kink. Yeah. Which good for you, I guess. Unless you wanna see a log in there.

Like, I don't know. I'm sure there is a subsection of people who are into that. They're probably into that. But like, I would say not a common one. No. I'd say commonly, as Dane said, it's pee-pee poo-poo place. Yeah, it's a place where you do your bathroom stuff. Yeah. And that's like, it's hard's pee-pee poo-poo place. Yeah it's a place where you do your bathroom stuff. Yeah. And that's like it's hard to look at a toilet and not

immediately think that. Yeah. And so again. So that's bad. It's it's immediately like if someone if I was a person who wanted to receive these pictures and someone sent me a flaccid dick pic while they're sitting on the toilet I would immediately be like you're shitting right now. You are having a poop. And you were like, you know what? Maybe I'll send this to... Maybe I'll put in zero effort. Maybe I'll do nothing at all.

It's like a dick pic requires you to like, you know, a little bit of touching, get yourself hard, lighting, camera positions, right position or whatever. You were like, I'm already I got to get it all out. I'm already here. I might as well. You know, I mean, like that's what a toilet dick pick is. It's a I'm here anyway. Even then, it's usually hard.

Yeah. Like also dick pics. Correct me if I'm wrong. Usually hard. No one's like, oh, she's going to love my flaccid dick. In fact, like most people are pretty insecure about their flaccid dick. You know what I want her to see? My dick at its worst. It's absolute worst. And she's your wife, she knows what it looks like flaccid, presumably. But there's no way you don't understand that this is... You were petulant and shitty, and

you were like, you want one? Here. You thought, what's the worst I could do? 100%. You nailed it. Nailed the assignment of being the worst dick pic imaginable. Yeah. Good job. And now you're gaslighting your wife into being like, I don't get it. Yeah.

You, you, she called you out on your bullshit play and now you're like, I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you mean. What do you mean? It's like, you know. Why don't you ever make me dinner? You like put crackers on a plate and we're

like, that's, that's food. What are you talking about? Yeah. Why are you upset? You want me to put food in the plate for you, right? Yeah. You you just be in the shit, much like the one probably floating right in between your balls. It's I mean, like there's a level of respect and commitment

when a partner falters in a relationship, whether it's cheating or whatever, where you guys agree to move past it, work on the relationship, salvage what you can and like rebuild on that. It sounds like neither of you have done that. It sounds like you haven't forgiven him for anything. It sounds like he doesn't have much remorse over anything or he's bitter that he got caught and can't keep doing what he was doing.

Or like doesn't want to feel like he's the bad guy. So he's like just being a little shit head. Yeah. So it sounds like this relationship is dead. Like it sounds like it's, it's's you're you're just dragging it behind Sure, you're definitely each one of you has like one leg of this body That is your relationship and you're both sort of like going in two different directions and this fucking you know dead relationships getting fucking wishbone

Yeah, and eventually you will like you'll tear that thing in half and you'll go your own separate ways But like they don't have to be that messy no just you could just drop it yes or like you could make a concerted effort to fix this but you won't need to genuinely want to do that yeah right like whatever you've told yourself is happening here it's not working yeah so it needs to either be again a conversation with a capital C not a little like what we mentioned it yeah he said he like I said to fix this send me a Dick pic and he said I did it but it's the worst one imaginable

Like that's not great So as Dane said you either need to cut your losses before it gets worse or you need to sit down and actually fucking commit Maybe do couples therapy. I don't fucking know. Yeah, you need help like this is not working So fix it or abort don't just keep digging a hole Yeah And that's really it right like you you need to make the choice of being like is this worth trying to salvage because do you really think you deserve or you should have to put up with having to deal with a lackluster zero effort marriage for the rest of your life yeah right again like like he did it's a jab

yeah this was a he was trying to hurt you. And if he's not, then you have someone who doesn't look at any. Yeah, you have someone who's so stupid that he can't even fathom how important it is to to take care of you or to do the things that you want to do. Like, but like, we all know he's just being he's being an idiot. And now he's gaslighting you all terrible things. Yeah. And it's like I would like it's hard to bring up because I'm sure if you do bring something up, it's going to be like, I thought we were past it.

Yeah. But like, you could be like, Hey, you wouldn't send that to her. Yeah. Because she'd be like, that's gross. She probably is because it doesn't even sound like this was a reciprocated affair, which is even worse. Like it does sound like he just harassed and abused a woman. Yeah.

Your husband sounds like a f***** fucking scumbag, but don't worry He'll frown he face you till he send them nudes. Yeah, I send him frowning faces every time he sends you Fucking yeah, I'm worried that like she's also like putting stink on her If that's the case if it was an unreciprocated Sort of like him pining over this this woman that he's been obsessed with for years See that's like it's not even an affair at that point is it no assault and that's and and like really that's all the information like if that's the case yeah and it's hard to say right like we're we're just we're just positing now if the case is that she never reciprocated never asked for any

of these things which you said you'd say that part. Right? Like then perhaps he's, you know, when someone shows you who they are, you kind of have to believe them. And that's the thing. Like, I think it's a very different story to forgive someone for cheating, which like it's shit, obviously. But like, I can understand it more than just assault, which is this. So it's like, I think that's actually something you shouldn't forgive. No, you know, I think there's a level of being a scumbag because he's still cheating on you. He's just also abusing somebody else. Yeah. Whereas in the other case, he's cheating on you and presumably they are willing. Right. So it's like, I don't know.

Sometimes you just got to cut your losses. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's something you have to think long and hard about. And I think you, you need to, if it's worth it to you, have this conversation and be like, do you really not understand why a limp dick toilet pitcher is not acceptable? And if he's like, no, I don't. And it's like, then I don't trust you to understand what is and isn't acceptable. Yeah. Right. Because you thought it was acceptable to cheat on me or to send this woman

unsolicited dick pics and to send her, you know To ask her for new and blah blah blah blah all these things. I believe you thought that was okay You think this is okay. I can't imagine a world where you will continue to make choices that aren't okay Yeah, yeah, I'm like be like oh So what's what if they're both like are they both equal value in your eyes the one where you're hard and saying all these cool Things and it's presumably a good picture and then the one where you're hard and saying all these cool things and it's presumably a good picture. And then the one where you're sitting on the toilet flaccid. Do you think they're equal value?

And your rationale is, well, you wanted one. Yeah. Like, yeah. It's like, if you were to rate these, give them dollar values. If this was your OnlyFans page, how much would you charge for this one? And how much would you charge for this one?

You know what I mean? It's like, if he's like the same price, then he's a fucking idiot and a liar. Yes, yes. Because I don't think anyone's an accident that you sent her a good one and made the shittest one imaginable. Yeah, it's like, you know, if you had a really hot like bikini pick, be like, what would you buy this over sort of like you like just taking a straight close up You like just taking a straight close-up picture of of like your vagina or something You know, I mean just be like what one what one would you rather receive? Yeah But it's it's bad. So just just make the hard call. I think you have to do Yeah, the more we talk about this fuck this dude. Yeah, let him go be a lonely. No, not November loser. Yeah What time is it?

Yeah. Do you want one more? What time is it? 4-2? Yeah, let's do a quick one. My 25 year old male, this is by Tori Ryle. My 25 year old male girlfriend, 22 year old female is awful at sex. How do I fix this? Girlfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

We've been dating for over a year and things are going great. Getting ready to move in together by January. Issue is the sex is the worst I've ever experienced. It's like what I would imagine having intercourse with a dead body is like. She doesn't do anything or offer any feedback. She stays in one spot, lifeless. Which sucks, cause she's the hottest woman I've ever been with, completely out of my league. Like all men would probably rate her a 10 out of 10. We've tried different positions and for 2 minutes she'll be fine, then revert to her lifeless routine. The interesting part about this is I've only initiated sex

maybe twice in our relationship. She wants it every day. Thank god she has beautiful face and body, because finishing would be nearly impossible without them. I've had conversations with her about things we should try, but never told her directly she's terrible at sex to save her confidence. Pretty sure I'm not her first, since she does have a son. Yeah man. Yep.

Let's re- I'm pretty sure I'm not her first. I'm like 90% sure. Since she does have a son. At this point I'm not sure I'm not her first. I'm like 90% sure since she does have a son at this point I'm not sure what else I could do not thinking about leaving her But it would be great if we could bring mutual satisfaction for both parties. Thanks First we got solved the mystery. I'm I'm gonna bet well I mean it is tis the season for immaculate conception true I mean not really because Jesus was born like maybe that's why she's so unwilling to engage, because like God can see everything.

Yeah. Jesus, maybe to is her name, Mary. It is. This dude's a carpenter. It is delivering that word. So, yeah. Hey, dude, good job for telling you are not telling your girlfriend that she sucks in bed. Solid play. Yeah. Bad bad choice to do that. What I think immediately hide this post.

She can never read this. Yeah. You need to just throw your whole computer out the window. The window change apartments like there's. What do you like about this one? Because so far, all you've said is hot. Beautiful face and body. Ten out of ten. The best thing is, like, I don't know if he's ever thought about this woman because he's not even sure she's had sex despite her having a son. So

it's like surely you know if that's her biological son right? I think I'm assuming he's the it's a bit like kind of a cavalier like I'm gonna hope I'm gonna hope that that's the case. it like kind of a cavalier like I'm gonna hope I'm gonna hope that that's the case. It's your I mean there's there's a couple things happening. Sometimes I have found in my personal life when people are exceptionally attractive they feel like that is and that is their contribution. My work here is. Yeah that is their contribution to the to the experience and that they just their presence and their physical attributes are enough to to warrant to coast them through the experience.

I also feel like a lot of people in that like super hot category land people who suck and like want them purely just for that and are kind of like almost trained on bad sexual experiences because they're just a piece of meat to these people. And then there's also like there's a level of sex that is unattractive, right? The noises and the shapes and the body shapes and whatever. And it's like, it might be a thing where she wants to stay as still as possible. Pristine. So she's not going to bend forward because then she gets a belly roll. She gets some tummy rolls or she makes a weird face or whatever. Like, you know what I mean? Like maybe her face is stealing the entire time. Yeah.

Maybe her old face is like a real, real messed up mangle masterpiece of whatever. Where it's like. I love that band. It's the mangled masterpiece. Yeah. You know, so it's like there might be that coming into play where she has her insecurities of like she has this sort of like physical, natural beauty.

And that when dudes see something that's not perfection or a 10 out of 10, securities of like she has this this sort of like physical natural beauty and that when dudes see something that's not perfection or a 10 out of 10, they get grossed out or turned off or whatever. Because I think you're right. I think there is a level of sexual experiences of women who get trained on really bad expectations and bad sort of just like, oh, I'm going to lie here and I'm going to be hot and just kind of like tune out while a dude Jack furiously pounds me until he comes in like 18 seconds and then we're going to call it. Yeah, because like the people like everybody is going to want to sleep with this person if they're that hot. Right. So a lot of people who want to sleep with them only want to sleep with them for that.

Yeah. Or like it's a conquest or it's whatever. Like I know a lot of people who are exceptionally attractive who grow up and get this really twisted view of sex and relationships because they've been mistreated because sadly people just, that's it. That's their entire worth to a lot of people. And often you're like, oh, well, that guy's exceptionally hot.

I should sleep with him. And he also sucks because he's also super, you know, so it's just it's a it's a bad spiral. That could be it. Because there is like I think there's like a phenomenon. I think there's and I think that's specifically why this is where it's like you meet someone and like I've worked with a ton of women who are like absolutely gorgeous and just, you know, if we're doing the rating, 10 out of 10s, whatever, right, like just got them folks.

And we don't like that. Absolute smoke shows. And then you meet their partners and you're like, this guy, him. And then you meet him and he's an incredibly nice, super lovely, like really, really cool guy. And you're like, oh, you're even hotter now because because you've you've you've probably dealt with all the like hot bro dudes and have found someone who loves you and cares about you and respects you and treats you and treats you well. Like you could get anyone you wanted so that 10 out of 10 guy walking by you could have him if you want and you don't because he sucks. Yeah. Not that hot

people suck. You know what I mean? Yeah. But you know, we've met people. We've met people. There is, yeah. Not the hot women either. Not that, like these are generalizations based on like things that happen. Doesn't mean everybody is that. Yeah. You know? Again, it's like, we know a lot of hot people who are absolutely incredible.

So. There's one guy, Dave Miller. I don't know. I don't like it. I had to get away. There's also like sexual trauma. You know what I mean? That can be a thing when people like clam up. It could be that they don't't even know maybe they're having so much fun that they're like in their own head and just like fucking

Yeah, you know out of it. So we've talked about it before I think a really good thing in this situation is as you said not to be like a suck in bed Yeah, positive reinforcement, right if they do a thing you like you say, oh that was so fucking hot. I'm gonna say oh I kind of said, oh, I'm not saying, hey, oh, they hope. Hope. Hope. That was really hot. No, you say like, hey, that was super hot. Or you ask for things. You say like, hey, like kiss my neck or like, hey, like, how does that feel?

Like, yeah, we also say like in it, he's like, oh, it's good for like two minutes. And then she reverts back, changed positions every two minutes or never know, never set timer every every two minutes but like God if you notice if there's a distinct shift check in with your partner yeah when that happens I mean like oh is everything okay like does that you know does that feel good does that you know I mean like figure out like you're about to move in with this person that's a big step don't beef it because you you haven't had this conversation yet or like you could be like hey we were having sex and like when we started doggy like it because you you haven't had this conversation yet. Or like you could be like, Hey, we were having sex.

And like when we started doggy, like it seemed like you were really into it. I was really hot. You are like making sounds and like blah, blah, blah. But then like after a little while, like you got really quiet and like, still, I just want to check in. Like, was everything good? Yeah. I'm sure I'm not hurting you. Yeah. Make it about your asking. Yeah. You're checking in, you're paying attention. You're not saying you suck. You're just pointing things out. We are also reinforcing that first two minutes.

It was really hot. You were doing these things. I like. Boom. There we go. Master class. Yeah, you're welcome. Because she might be like, maybe it's like, you know, like, oh, when I'm about to come, I need to like focus. I need to be laser focused. And I need to like the cum zone. Yeah. And it's like, I know women who are like that, who who are like, they're very, very loud, very, very, you know, animated and enjoying everything.

And then the second it's time to like zero in, it's like pretty much just breathing. And you're like, especially when you're going down on them, cause you can't see anything, but it's like loud, loud, loud, loud. And then it's just like in the middle of something. And then it's like, it's like, oh shit, we've just hit dead air. And then it's like a glance. You're like, no, we're still going. Yeah. It's like, oh shit, we've just hit dead air. And then it's like a glance. You know, we're still going. Yeah, it's like, oh no, she's beat red and holding on. Yeah, it's like barely. She's not on this planet anymore.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, OK, great. Yeah. So check in, like ask questions again. Do not say you suck in bed, but positively reinforce what you like. Question the things that make you concerned and like work together, communicate. You know, you need to be able to do this to have a good relationship, to move in together, to do it all. I believe in. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much for joining us. We love you. This comes out on my birthday. Whoa.

Well, we're about to go get drunk a little bit for your birthday. Just a tiny bit. Yeah. So if you want to give me a real cool birthday gift, consider supporting us on Patreon or send this to your friend who's been struggling because we all have a friend who's doing a bad job in the relationship. Maybe they're really jealous. Maybe they've been single for a long time and having a rough go in the dating world. Maybe they're doing no nut November and you're worried once they hit December, they will actually destroy their own. Yeah, there's

a number of reasons why someone would benefit from this. Also send it to your fun friend you know what I mean? Yeah we're not just here for the people struggling we're here for cool people yeah I mean who somebody wants to get a laugh out of this maybe someone who could like I like to think we can all benefit from things you know I mean so if you got this it doesn't mean you're that shitty friend that's struggling it might just be you're cool and you want this is a hopefully cool Yeah, be hopefully funny. Yeah, and we've got like 320 episodes or something That for you to just binge and the nice thing is you could just go

Someone I met someone at work the other day who was like was like, oh, yeah, I listened to your podcast Like it was a lot of fun I really like just going through and finding titles that make me laugh or like make me make me like, you know Let me tell you as the person who doesn't do the titles I love finding out what the titles are and they make me laugh Yeah So it's you don't even have to like listen to I think There's a bit of a through line in terms of jokes that we make so you might be confused on like some of the stupid shit

We do that's that's just adds to the fun Yeah, but you can listen to whatever episode you want. So just send your friends your favorite episodes and I think last week's one was good Yeah, I know I had fun But you can listen to whatever episode you want. So just send your friends your favorite episodes. And I think last week's one was good. Yeah, I know I had fun. Thank you very much for listening. It does mean the world to us that you're you're hanging out with us and and listening and sharing. Thank you. We yeah, it's it's wild and we love you.

And if we've interacted with you, you know, we love you. If we haven't, I want you to know we do. Like it really does mean every single person who listens to every single episode, it actually means so much. We love doing this. So I hope you had fun. Yeah. Thank you, Josh Eagle and the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars. I can read you out some bad sex writing. This bad sex writing is advice. Okay. And I always like to find advice in places and read it out so that we know that we're doing a bad job compared to this because this is perfect. It was about a date that went well, but the guy was very stinky. Sure. So stinky pinky says, as a wise man once said,

the first hole you penetrate is a girl's nose. If you can't be bothered to make that experience pleasant, you might be in the market for a pet goat rather than a girlfriend. The first hole you penetrate is a girl's nose. The worst thing out of all penetrate is a girl's nose. The worst thing out of all this is that he's not wrong. He's not wrong? He's not wrong? He's just done it in the absolute wrongest way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's like, it's, it's like, we said it the worst way imaginable.

Yeah, you failed successfully's like, it's like when you... He just reset it the worst way imaginable. Yeah, you failed successfully. Yeah, yeah. Or successfully failed. One way or the other. Who the fuck knows? Either way, I wish you hadn't said the words that you said. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niall Spang.

We've been your fuck buddies. Music