F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 32 - Gay Time Traveler (feat. Kyle Crawford)

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

We did it.  They said we couldn't do it, but we did it.  We fit exactly one more boy in this closet to host our very first guest on the show, Kyle Crawford!  Ironically, it just so happens to be a gay man we've put back in the closet (don't worry, I'm pretty sure that's the only closet joke we made, surprisingly!).  We've gotten a lot of questions we didn't feel comfortable answering, being straight men with absolutely no gay experience, so we've brought in a third-party expert to shed some light on some of the mysteries of gay dating culture.  Topics include crusty spaghetti, the white lie escape, crushing on straight boys, landlord Grindr thief, the top/bottom meme dynamic.

I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Dane Miller And I am Niles Bang I'm Kyle Crawford, and we are your Fuck Luddies What the fuck?

Jesus Hell yeah. So as you might have noticed, we have our first guest ever on the podcast. Before we get into that, we're dating and sex advice podcast where we take your sticky, sexy situations to turn them into sexy, sticky situations. It's really weird not listening through a headset as we do this I am so I'm not fuck all y'all put your headset on

I'm not I'm the only I'm not gonna leave you no I don't know I don't know what I'm missing it's fine we finally got you in the closet again

I'm not gonna leave you I'm happy to be back in the closet alright well do you have any questions do you want to start us off are we gonna chat you know what

Kyle is one of my best friends he's awesome. Love you. He's a fucking buns hero at the moment. He's cooked for everybody in the goddamn city. That's a brief intro. Thank you. There we go.

I don't know. It's a good segue because I want to bring something up. Okay. Is it his article? What article? It's not. No, no. It is an article though um i was i was uh doing some

traveling and i was like oh i need to i wanted to get a crossword because i used to do them all the fucking time at my old job because it was so fucking slow um so the the metro in toronto has like a crossword and right beside that it's like a cooking. Like a recipe. I don't know where this is going. I don't know where it's going either, but I like it. So I saw this and it... Do we have a new segment? I don't want to say maybe blind with rage. Okay.

But I was like, it's fitting that Kyle is our guest this week. Considering he's a phenomenal chef. Okay. This is a segment called Cooking with Ricardo. Who the hell is Ricardo? I think I want to know.

And the recipe is crusty spaghetti. Yeah! Okay, no. I was going to say, I don't know where the blind with rage comes in, but now I know.

So the ingredients... I'm sorry, wait. Can we all guess? What do you think crusty spaghetti is? I'm going to take a guess and say that it's deep fried spaghetti noodles

or maybe dusted, cornmeal dusted, battered and floured in deep fried spaghetti. Man, I love how he had like a professional answer and I just thought they'd throw in shit old bread.

That's my guess. That's my guess. If it's in a, or a restaurant almost got shut down because somebody served some old spaghetti. You've given Ricardo way too much credit.

Okay. So is it old shitty bread? Again, giving Ricardo too much credit. Oh, no. What? The ingredient... Krusty Spaghetti, it serves one. Uh-huh.

The ingredients are... Yeah, because if you serve Krusty Spaghetti, you don't have a fucking relationship. The anticipation is killing me. What the hell is crusty spaghetti? But wait, first. No! Ingredients. One and a half cups cold spaghetti leftovers.

Oh. With meat or tomato sauce. Whatever. What about both? One to two tablespoons of olive oil. This is very unclear. That's all you need. Fuck it.

Let's move on to making this bitch. Directions. In a small, non-stick skillet, over medium heat, warm the cold spaghetti in the olive oil, stirring a few times. Step two. Increase the heat and leave the spaghetti to stick together at the bottom of the skillet.

For this step, you must not stir the pasta. Fuck you, Ricardo. Three. Using a large spatula, flip the pasta over like a pancake and cook until the other form forms a crust. Whoa. That's it. That's it.

Is this real? Is it a joke? Is Ricardo fucking with us? I don't know. I don't know if cooking with Ricardo is literally a fucking joke thing or not, but that is what has been published in this fucking newspaper. You know what's funny? I feel like I almost get it.

No. The old spaghetti, like a crust, almost like a potato pancake kind of deal, like, you know, when you shred potatoes. I don't want, like. I don't want a period. I mean, everybody who knows me knows I'm not a spaghetti fan as it is. Like, I really am truly not. So Ricardo can take his crusty spaghetti and go back to wherever the hell.

That reads like an April Fool's joke but not as good as our one. I really want to pick up another issue with this and see if Ricardo just shits the bed. If he's literally just a guy who's convinced the editors at Metro that he knows how to cook and is just like

no you know what to do, we're doing cornflakes I really thought I might have had it with deep fried spaghetti you know that actually would have been alright I'd fuck with that

alright well this has been our recipe podcast yeah nice our cooking actually probably would be food leads to sex

that's true food leads to dating I've gotten anybody who's ever fallen for me it's always been just for my food and my personality considering up with that.

Considering you're cooking, I do not blame anybody. It's my only thing I have to my advantage. I am a terrible boyfriend. Not the only thing you have to your advantage, but if you ever taste your food, you don't have a choice. Thank you.

Gay, straight, anything else, you want this man. Thank you. All right, questions. Who's going first? Did we tell Kyle to bring questions? Did you bring questions? He tried, but did

someone message you on Instagram? I don't have our Instagram message. Apparently someone messaged him. There was one guy that messaged me and said, do I send my questions to me or to you guys? And I said, send it to them. And his name is I Need a Blunt Man. Let me double check. I don't think we got any.

Because if we do, we can start with that. I made a post. Yeah, no, I don't think we got any Because if we do We can start with that I made a post Yeah no I don't I don't have Any messages from I do have one Specifically for Kyle Nope

I do have one Specifically for Kyle Let's start with that Okay Okay So our first question Is specifically for Kyle Oh my god i'm so nervous uh this is by agent ocelot so second time on the board and uh he says considering our gay hookup culture

is so prevalent what do you do when you to get out of a situation when you've gone on the first date gone home with someone you don't want to do anything further how do you get out of a situation when you've gone on the first date, gone home with someone, but you don't want to do anything further. How do you get out of that situation? You personally. And then we're going to open it up. Okay. So I've gone on a date with a person, gone home with a person. But that's where it ends.

But I don't want to go any further. Yeah. I am considerate of people's feelings and I will make up a damn good lie. And I've been known to make up a damn good lie. We're going to need examples. Sure. I've literally had friends, best friends on standby saying, if I text you and call me, I'm going to put you on speakerphone just for that and say, the dog got loose.

Something happened. I need you in the speakerphone. So offended that I have never been involved in one of these escapades? I mean, these were prior. These are in my early 20s. Like, these are when I used to be a little, you know, a little shit. And I used to do all kinds of fuckery. And I wrote the book on fuckery.

And part of fuckery is ditching early. And, you know, even now, if I were single, like, as almost 30 years old, I don't like to stay out past 9 almost 30 years old, I don't like to stay out past 9 p.m. I certainly don't like to stay out past 10 p.m. So, I mean, I mean, if it's somebody that you've never met or you met once, it's somebody you don't know yet. It's somebody you don't really have any obligations towards.

You don't really care that much. I say make up a good old fashioned white lie. Get out of that. Hookup culture these days is like literally flipping a page. I mean, chances are the boy got another hookup on the way. Yeah, no one's

going to get too offended I don't think on the first date if they do, fuck them. Well, don't fuck them because, you know, but you know what I mean. I know what you mean. And these days,

somebody might even respect you not giving it up the first date. In gay hookup culture, those who do hold back and leave something to the mystery, you have a little

step to your advantage to make a good old little white lie this is terrible advice but I'm being honest I'm being absolutely honest it would be me having the upper hand and it would be me having a little white lie and maybe some evidence towards that white lie

to get out of there, go home and watch anime and eat some crusty spaghetti no, no no to the last bit. But the white light would be crispy spaghetti. It was a throwback, Dan. So I didn't hear what he said.

You're with the headphones. I'm quite drunk. I was going to say, this GV is tasting so good. It got me all warm. Instead of just having our customary whiskey, we went and decided to hit a brewery first and then get our customary whiskey and then more beers. So good luck, guys.

So three excuses right now. One is the dog got loose. Why the other two? One is the dog got loose. I remember one very specific, and I think that this was going a little too far, is that me and my best friend said that one of our other best friends got beat up which you know knowing now like he it's not too far off said that he was out drinking and he got beat up in that he was literally down at the hospital and we had to go be there with him by his side

um and then another one which is a classic is i need to work in the morning i got called into work in the morning i don't gone so far as to texting myself and changing the name of my phone to my boss's name and then just going and deleting the blue messages that look like it's me sending it, so then it looks like a legit conversation, being like, oh, look, my boss just texted me and I have to go into work in the morning.

Wow, that's some good levels. Yeah, I've literally... It's easy to say, oh, just be honest. And yeah, of course, honesty is the obvious answer to everything. I feel like when you just meet someone, honesty isn't necessarily owed. Exactly. And neither is it necessarily the better path because you're just like, legit, I just want to go home because you're not doing it for me.

Is that less offensive than being like, yo, the dog got out? I don't know. If it is somebody that you're going to white lie towards, I really recommend the boss texting, texting yourself, changing your name

and deleting the blue messages because that is foolproof. And it's so easy. It takes a minute, but it is literally, and then you have a screenshot, you're done, you're good. I'm not going to,

I'm not going to throw stones because like Glass says, I once went into Photoshop and like removed and like time stamps and shit from messages on the first night you met someone no no this was this was like a thing where like someone was like you never responded back to me and uh i didn't and i then sent messages to myself so that my phone would send the messages. I then went into Photoshop and Photoshopped those messages into the conversation. Again, this is when I was in my early 20s.

I was a fucking idiot. So you both lied and gaslighted somebody? Oh, 100%. That's terrible. My phone just never sent them. I'm not proud of that. That's probably one of my shittiest moments. The only time I ever did that was for essays I turned in late where i would corrupt the file send it to my professors who were old

enough that didn't know computers and then will pretend to not get the email for the three days it would take me to write the essay then they i'd be like oh my god i just saw let me try send it again send it again they were like don't work this time. Never got any penalties for my late essays. Just save your essays dot EXE4. No, like seriously. How did that happen?

It worked like a charm. I do think diarrhea is always the best excuse. Yes. Because no one wants proof. Yeah, no. Especially if you're a gay man.

Diarrhea is a no-go. Yeah, but like Goodbye. In general. Get out. No one's going to be like, yeah, prove it. Like, no. yeah no like literally especially if you're a gay man diarrhea is a no go yeah goodbye in general get out no one's gonna be like yeah prove it like no also the best excuse

out of tickling if someone asks you if you're ticklish or not you say yes you get tickled you say no you get tickled you say you have diarrhea

no one's tickling you fair something to remember yeah diarrhea is the best excuse for everything pretty much like there are

very rare things that it doesn't cover but continue what about you uh what's the question the question are you fucking joking me the question is too much booze the question is uh what have you done you've gone home with someone hook up and then you decide yeah you went home with them but you don't actually want to out of a hookup? And then you decide you don't want to hook up with them. So it's funny. I've actually answered this question and then have since edited it from the podcast. Edited it out of the podcast. No, don't give us context. Just give us how you got out of it.

I once told a woman that I had to work in the morning and we were so just fucked out of our minds. We were so fucking drunk. And this is kind of one of the reasons why I didn't want to sleep with anyone. and we were so just fucked out of our minds. We were so fucking drunk. And this is kind of one of the reasons why I didn't want to sleep with anyone. I then set my alarm. Like, we both passed out. Well, she passed out in my bed.

And I was like, this is a good reason not to sleep with someone. I then set my alarm for 15 minutes. And then when the alarm went off, I was like, I gotta go to work. Even though it was like 15 minutes later. And I had already ordered an Uber.

Nice. And until it was there, I was like, I'm really sorry. I got to get ready for work. And just sort of got her on her way. Wow. But I was just like, I don't know. I was so fucked up. And I was so skeeved out by the situation.

And the fact that she was also so fucked up and I was so like skeeved out by the situation and the fact that like she was also so fucked up I was like there's nothing other than like us being fucked out of our goddamn minds and passed out in bed and I was like I don't want to wake up to this anymore or do it like or be drunk

and like sleep with a woman who can like barely stay conscious like that's that's not at all what I want to fucking do. I have a question just based off of that story that you just told because it's something that I've never had to do. So wait, is this a live user-submitted question? Yes, yes. I'm going to, yes, absolutely.

How often do you use this? Hey, Gus, I'm just going to tell you, I'm going to edit this out of the podcast. No, no, I feel like it's a good question. It literally goes with the story that you just told. Yeah. Why are you such an asshole, Dave? I've never been in the situation that I've had to order somebody the Uber.

I have never done that because I don't have the balls to. Right. That's what I'm saying. I feel like that takes balls. Yeah. Like, I feel like, especially in the story that you just told, like, it's like, well, I'm going to get you Uber. I've never, but it's like, it is, it's, it's.

I've never done it. It's a gentlemanly, it's, it's. Is it? I feel like there's some chivalry in there. There is and there isn't. If they ask for one or like they're actually leaving and you do it, yes.

If they're not leaving and you do it, no. Okay, Dane, you've obviously ordered somebody to Uber. They were not leaving. You can't see right now, but I'm pulling my collar. Dane is ventilating himself in this.

Dane, how does it feel calling somebody the Uber? So here's the thing. I've done it. A million times. Several times. But it's always been in situations where, like, the alternative is a really, really awkward morning after. So, like, I'm sparing both of us the either inevitable...

Time and embarrassment and shame. Do we fuck in the morning just because we're here? Hey, fucking in the morning is the best. No, it's great. But in certain circumstances. If you wanted to in the first place. If it's one of those things where you're both so fucked out of your goddamn minds and you have like that moment of lucidity and just being like this is a bad scene like no matter how it shakes out um i i won't lie like

there are times where i've definitely been like again i i think i've talked about it before i can't remember if i did it or not. But like, I've had insomnia since I was 12. You know what I mean? And like, so having new women spend the night at my place was just... Kyle hates new women spending time at his place.

Well, I didn't meet anybody. Like, I was always the same way. Somebody in my bed, like there's no way I'm sleeping. I haven't slept in three days. For me in somebody else's bed. And that's the thing. It's like my anxiety would would kick it up to 11

at that point because I would be one, I'm just like, oh, what happens if I don't sleep? What if they wake up and I'm just wide awake? It looks like I'm watching you sleep. Which, if you read Twilight, is hot. You could have been hot this whole time.

I'm sure in Fifty Shades of Grey there was scenes of him just fucking nocturnal adventures. But it's like all that bullshit where I'm just like I don't want to take that extra layer and I feel like you're that's the other thing. I also don't want to like

it's hard enough for me to fall asleep and get a sleep cycle going. The last thing I want to do is skip a day of sleep and then fuck myself for the next like two or three days. I am right there with you. So I would, I would sometimes be like, you know, after sex or like if we, if we had hooked up, if we'd slept together and she would go to the bathroom afterwards, I would be like,

Hey, I got you an Uber. Yeah. And like, has anyone ever been like, what the fuck? I mean, like not a disappointment. Yes. Yes. Yes. So like there are times where like- Disappointment, yes.

Anger? No. No one's ever like literally expressed it. At least not after the fact. One girl called me out on it and like I appreciated it. Like I totally understood her fucking point. But I was also like, at least I didn't fucking kick you out like 3 a.m. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like I still got you home. You know what I mean? Like I still got you home. You know what I mean? I was like, I'm, I'm really bad at this in that like I've had people over and I've been very, I think again, I've mentioned this in the podcast.

I don't know if it stayed in or not, but I've told people like, Hey, yeah, you can come over. Yeah, we can do whatever. But like I've worked in the morning and I can't sleep when someone else in the

bed, especially when I don't really know that well. So can we call it a 12? Yeah. And then excuse after excuse after excuse happens is 3 a.m. And they're like getting in my bed and I'm not even in there yet. And I'm like, cool. This is fucking great.

I feel like fortunately, most people, if they're in the same age range as you, you're all on the same page. Like I want to sleep in my bed and you want to sleep in your bed. So let's, you know, do the dirty. I don't know if that's, that's never been my case. No. Maybe this is a men's business. It's just guys, man.

Yeah, I was going to say, men are down to business. Yeah, fuck, they just want to chill. It's a transaction. Yeah. I'm, I don't, I'm not generalizing. We can generalize to a point. I'm saying in my experiences, most times we've been on the same page.

Yeah. You know what I mean? No, I've, I've. I've also never had the Uber called for me, and I'm wondering now, being in that. I've never had the Uber called for me and I'm wondering now being in that... I've never had the Uber called for me either.

Being in that position... No, because the second I'm done, I'm out. Me too. That's what I'm saying. I'm not necessarily out. I'm cool. Like, if I'm tired as fuck

and there's a bed right there and I'm going to have sex in the morning, I will stay. So here's the thing. I am a massive supporter of the next morning sex. I am too.

Again, if... When I was single, there was at least two condoms in my wallet. That's all I'm saying. Here's the thing. I was recently sort of like reflecting on things, especially after like, I think the last podcast we talked about this, where I edited my story out. That was a while ago. I was thinking about it. I was like, man, there was definitely a time where like I went over to a girl's place and, like, we had a bunch of sex.

And then I guess I had, like, fallen asleep. And then I woke up and then we had morning sex. And then I passed out a fucking day. Oh, really? Oh, man. Yeah, no, that does make sense. I can't even do that. I can't sleep.

I know. As soon as I come, I fall right back. If I have morning anything, as soon as I come, I am right back asleep. When I fuck, it's like I just chugged red bull and coke i don't know that's the thing is usually after sex i like i perk up yeah um but so here's the thing like we woke up early i woke up at like 2 p.m so i don't know i really don't know if she was awake and being like fuck i've got this fucking asshole and just passed out on my fucking bed. Because when I woke up, she was like, yeah, I missed class.

And it seemed fine because we had sex again. Yeah. So I don't know. But looking back at it now, I never saw her again. So I was like, man, was I that fucking guy who slept over and then just wouldn't leave? I will say, I did have... This has nothing to do with anything we're talking about

in a certain sense. I love these. This is what happens when you drink before the podcast even though it's my first time. I was going to say one question led to another one and I'm digging it.

This is the only time anywhere in the podcast as drunk as I am. It's true. Because usually I'm alright but there's been the odd time. There's been that one time where you had like

seven drinks or whatever. To be fair I didn't have that much today. But, I was at a music festival and I went to bed. I was hammered. Went to sleep. I woke up and there were these two people in my tent who I didn't know. And like,

I was so drunk that I just saw them and I was like, eh. I rolled over and fell back asleep. I woke up a few hours later when I was like a little bit more sober and they were still there and i was like okay guys i'm sorry but like why are you in my tent and they were like were you that polite oh 100 i was so drunk that i was just so polite and like i don't care i'm nothing i wouldn't want like brenda from scary movie no i was so fucked that like i don't have aggressive or anything when i'm that like hung

over and tired i'm so happy yeah no but also i'm not stealing and they weren't doing anything they were just like chilling it wasn't my tent it was theirs um and they were the exact same amount of they're like i'm sorry friend that was it's actually our tent and they they let me nap they let me sleep wake up and them, go back and sleep again. They just have breakfast around me and everything. So. So you thought it was your tent. Oh yeah.

One million percent. Just like I thought it was your tent through this storytelling. But it was theirs. It was theirs. Wow. And the worst part is my. That was like a sixth sense moment. The funny thing is I was the sober one the night before.

And I brought my drunk friends home to their tent. Wow. And then gone to my tent. Wow. And then I woke up, and then I panicked because I was like, I was shepherding like four girls who could barely stand. And if I'm here, where the fuck are they? What was the original question? No, they were all actually in the right tent.

So I'm just an idiot. Continue. Do we go to like Ring questions now Ring questions What does that mean Oh written I heard ring questions I thought you were on the phone And I said is somebody going to call in

A live question is this Ring Can we pretend that Hello fuck buddies Yes you're be so exciting can we pretend that hello fuck buddies yes you're on the air please hold hold what fuck I have

come on I'm excited again this is so I'm going to preface this with saying I pulled all these questions from questions that I've gotten or found recently

or like through our podcast history where I was like I don't have the right to answer this. At least not without someone who's living the life. I also probably don't have the right answer to this

but we'll try. So this is posted by user deleted. I'm going to call them Tony. Tony? Tony. The tiger?

Yep. The question is crushing on a straight guy. Ooh. I work with an absolute babe and we get along super well. His name is Niall. This is so relevant.

Go ahead. We eat lunch together almost every day and often grab drinks after work. He's super flirty with me and if we we ever get drunk, he gets pretty physical, touching my legs, holding my hand, et cetera. We've never done anything apart from bro hug, but one of these drunken nights,

or one of those drunken nights, there was a lingering gaze when we part ways. Wait, gaze or gaze? Ha, ha, ha. Gaze with a Z. That doesn't clear it up. G-A-Z-E-S not G-A-Y-Z. I know. I'm being hilarious. I get you. I would be confused too. He's always talking

about his Tinder dates and hookups with girls but he's throwing all the signs my way. I don't know or I don't want to be the gay dude who's convinced he can turn straight guys. Is this Niall messaging as me? I also don't want to be the gay dude who's convinced he can turn straight guys. Is this Niall messaging as me? I also don't want to be a closeted bi-curious dude's secret gay fling.

How do I gauge this dude's interest without potentially ruining a friendship and without being reduced to his gay experience slash experiment? Okay, when I said I may not have the answer either, that does not apply because I am the most experienced person that anybody could ever meet. Between my gay friends and my straight friends, I think I am the one gay guy that has as many bromos. That's what I call them. Okay. My bros that are bros with a homo kind of guy, I have a few of them Niall is a huge example from the beginning

I will interrupt real quick here during reading this question we're slapping each other massively that's what we do that's our excitement but they were showing physical versions of excitement it was essentially a synopsis of our relationship.

I want to meet the person who asked this question. It's me. Or you. I don't know. I can't tell. Or is it Dane? We'll never know. They deleted their username.

Yeah, I know. Because they were coming on this podcast like, oh, shit. Okay, so when I first met Niall at work, I had such a crush on him. He was so cute. He was a cute straight guy that was approachable. And I think that us as gay men, when we find a straight guy that is approachable, it's something that we never had when we were younger. The straight guys were the douchebags.

The straight guys were the idiots. The straight guys might have been the guys that bullied us. And everybody wants to fit in. Like, that's just kind of the thing. So when you feel like an outsider, you feel like the outsider most with straight men. Then he was like, no, I was real ugly. So then when you meet a straight guy that is approachable, they got one tier up the crush ladder.

And then maybe that straight guy opens up to you and gets comfortable with you and will share things with you that no straight guy has shared with you before. That's another tier up. And then he's cute. That's another tier up. But eventually you just have to realize that straight, gay, whatever, whatever, if he's your buddy, he's your buddy. And you can't think too hard about it. I have

a lot of gay friends. I've always had a lot of gay friends and it's natural. You know what's appropriate and you know what's not. And it's very organic. With straight men, of course, there's this temptation. There's this mystery. There's this forbidden fruit. The what if, the maybe? Yes, all of that. And that's hot. That is absolutely hot. That's pretty hot. It'll get you going for sure. But a friendship is so important. And I think on the flip side, it's really important for a straight guy to have that gay friend that he can... A lot of guys flex in front of each other. You know, the masculinity and the testosterone.

I'm not saying all straight men, but most of them... Oh, a lot do. You know? It fucking sucks. I was even talking to someone the other day. It's like, when you meet a guy, a lot of the time, like, you can't just be like, oh, hey, what's up? Like, there's like, oh, yeah, like, oh, yeah.

Like, a lot of fronting. They say, like, a mission sizing up. Yeah. Yeah. And then you eventually, like, and then when you get into the friendship, it's usually like, so, like, oh, buddy, like, what? Right. I think that's...

And it's just like, why do we have to... I love when I meet someone and there's none of that bullshit, like, standoffishness. Like, that wasn't the case for you like for you we genuinely just adored each other and we made each other laugh yeah and it was just like we were like it was just like instantly it's like where have we been all each other's lives i i fought really hard to find a prank based sex or dating advice question because me and Kyle constantly played pranks that escalated wildly as we worked together.

So wild. But I didn't find any that were worthy. But I will. I will. My best advice for a gay guy that is going through

mixed feelings with a straight guy is be your straight guy's gay buddy because it's important to them. If they can have a guy that's still a guy and they can still bond guy-wise with, but they can let their guard down

and show a little bit of their feminine side or show a little bit of their sensitive side, they can do that with you where they can't do it with women and they can't do it with other straight men. And I've got to be honest, with a lot of my straight friends, I see that side of them.

And I don't call them out when they're getting all fucking macho and and whatever in front of their other straight guys that's that's what they do but when they can sit there and let their guard down in front of me i feel like i am contributing to our friendship uh the same way they contribute to the friendship with me where i don't feel like every straight man is something that i have to be intimidated by or you know it's it's a two-way street kind of deal. You have something to offer each other. Also, like, if... I didn't think that would get that deep,

but it really is an important bond and I think it's great. 100%. Probably the best advice we've ever given on the podcast. If he wants to fuck, he will fuck. Like, if things are gonna get naked,

they will get naked. Don't force it. Don't be creepy. Don't be weird. You'll have to make the move because he knows where you stand. Sure, exactly. You'll know where he stands.

He's not worrying like, I'm not sure if this gay guy likes men. He knows. You don't have to be the one to necessarily breathe that gas. Embrace the friendship because it is a friendship. There's a million gay guys that you're sure like guys out there.

But also, if he wants to make the move, he will. He will. So until then, fuck it. Just be cool. It feels so bad. You guys are all double fisting right now, and I'm just... Yeah, we're drinking multiple drinks right now.

After, when we heard that question, and we started doing the whole raccoon slap kind of deal. Oh, yeah, yeah. That just makes us drink substantially more. Okay. Will I go? Sure. I'm reading this. I'm not even sure if this is a question,

but I think it might be a... I don't know. I think it might be directed towards this podcast, specifically today. So this is, my grinder hookup showed up and my landlord

mistakenly sucked his dick for his grinder hookup by you, by Brody66. Yeah, I was going to say, hit that and rewind it back. Did you say landlord?66. Yeah, I was gonna say, hit that and rewind it back. Did you say landlord? Yep.

Repeat the question. Slowly. My grinder hookup showed up, but my landlord mistakenly sucked his dick for his grinder hookup. Well, I mean, that sounds like a funny story if nothing else.

As someone who's not a gay man, I can still say, why would you know that? Did your landlord just, like, come and knock on your door and be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. So I just sucked Derek's dick. You don't think I have fucking contacts right now? Okay, hand me some contacts. This is possibly the wildest night of my life, and I'm still laughing uncontrollably as I type this. I scheduled to meet a dude I met on Grindr,

brackets, Kyle, over the weekend, and we had only shared one pic. I guess over the weekend, he catches amnesia or something and completely forgets how I look. Fast forward to 9.30 p.m., Kyle texts me he's at the door.

I open the door, didn't see anyone, thought he completely ghosted, but sure at the moment, I just got punked. Called me two minutes later, here's where I get the door, didn't see anyone, thought he completely ghosted, was sure at the moment I just got punked. Called me two minutes later, and here's when I get the climactic rundown. So he showed up on my landlord, who I didn't know was gay, opened the door and asked him, Grindr, in

which he automatically assumed was me. Whereas part of this, I'm 6'1", my landlord is 5'5", and he also just assumed he got catfished. Back to the story, my landlord gets naked proceeds to suck his dick five minutes since the bj he feels super uneasy and i guess somehow his memory kicks in he goes wait are you joe and that was the moment kyle knew he done fucked up dudes what are the goddamn chances my landlord schedules a grind to hook up on the exact day

and time as me i'm still grinding my teeth at how cringe this weekend was. By the way, Kyle devoured my ass. I came twice, so that was cool. First of all, I'm just saying. My question is, was it you? Kyle was the most popular name of 1989, and I was with my boyfriend last weekend who was going to listen to this podcast. To be fair, this was.

I'm just saying that. This was. It doesn't matter. Nobody's landlord did anything to me. this was i'm just saying that this was it doesn't matter nobody's landlord did anything to me that's that that was not me so this was a while ago that's all i'm saying okay so my the thing here i'm like how did how do you know the landlord how do you know this here i'm just gonna i'm not gonna say door landlord just said grinder but he was like i'm gonna say three words to you guys that's just going to add a little bit of legitimacy to this and that's blow and go it is a thing

it is a thing there's pump and dump and there's blow and go blow and pump and dump and go sure but remember how earlier I said a lot of time with men it's just a transaction like it's just a bam bam boom kind of thing like we want to be home in our own beds kind of deal

there are these grinders, specifically grinder. Like, grinder is a lot of things where a lot of times it's like, I just want to blow and go kind of deal. Turn off the lights, unlock your door kind of thing. So, of course, this story to me sounds like, hey, number one, it's a great story. It's funny.

It's a great story. It's a great story. Especially because he got his ass eaten and came twice. Sure. Like, you know circumstances everything worked out if they lived anywhere

in the you know church in Wellesley area it's pretty it's pretty believable I had a 70-30 belief it was you it was not me I cannot stress that enough

it was absolutely not me honestly it was just really funny for the record there's no proof that it's not Kyle that's true it was just really funny that the first my boyfriend's not's not Kyle. It was just really funny that the first...

My boyfriend's not going to listen to this now. It's just not going to happen. The first question I found, it was like, I read it and it's brackets Kyle. I'm like, wow. You know where I was last weekend and every weekend since 2017. No, it was posted a while ago. What are you trying to do to me?

You asked me to come to your podcast and you're literally trying to convince your listeners that I'm cheating on my boyfriend with a lame word or a blow and go? That would have to be very long. That would have to be very, very long. It wasn't me.

It doesn't matter. It could have been 2020. It could have been 2012. Me saying it was a long time ago was trying to back you up. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Can we just rewind and say that Kel just said it could be 2020?

He claimed that he's a gay time traveler. I am a gay time traveler. Well, we on, hold on. Can we just rewind and say that Kyle just said it could be 2020? He claims that he's a gay time traveler. I am a gay time traveler. Well, we got the episode title. That is the only reason I'm here. No, that's not... I was not saying anything bad, you fuck. I'm here to tell you how Prosperous Bugs is going to be in the future.

I think my advice is I'm going to fix gay huckup culture right now. Okay. Make it like speakeasies. Don't just say Grindr, Nod. Because, like, everyone's gay. It's 2019. There's just gay people everywhere. All of us are.

That's great. So you can't just show up and be like, Grindr. You gotta be like... You don't say anything. No, you show up and you go, this power flies west of midnight. Ooh. And then someone goes... Well, if I wasn't gonna suck his dick before that, I fucking fuck will now. Right? Right? Like, you make it sexy. You give him, like, if I wasn't gonna suck his dick before that, I sure as fuck will now. Right?

Like, you make it sexy. You give him, like, a code word, like a speakeasy. Or, could I say, a suck-easy? Could be. Could be.

Or a squeak-easy. I don't know. Yeah. No, seriously. Like, that's what you... This story doesn't seem completely unbelievable. Like, a lot of the time

when it comes to Grindr, convenience and anonymity... I really tried so hard to say that without stuttering. And I'm so impressed that I did. I'll edit this whole part out. Dana has said it on almost every word we've said so far. Why do you think I've been so quiet? I know.

Convenience and anonymity is a big deal when it comes to Grindr and hookups. So if, you know the moon was in a special place in the sky and this landlord and this tenant and these two grinder blow and go guys if it just happened to work out that way then hey you know what story well told i hope everybody you say that but here's the thing how does this guy know that this happened with the landlord well i think without k being like, just blew your landlord. Can we change this guy's name?

Well, I think... Let's call him Carl. Okay, Carl. Okay, so I think Carl figured it out. He knocked on the second door of the night. I think Carl figured it out

then messaged him back on Grindr and was like, oh, and he came out and was like, dude! I want to follow up with Mr. Deleted Tony.

I wish we could figure out more to this. Yeah, well, this is really fascinating. Here's the thing. I have another question that kind of leads into Mr. Deleted Tony. I wish we could figure out more to this. This is really fascinating. Here's the thing. I have another question that kind of leads into that. Oh, wow. I probably should have done this one first. I'm a landlord, and I once opened a...

So this comes from Reddit user AstroSmithWord. What? Hey. I don't know. It's not a good username. What do you want from me? Better usernames. Anyone else's straight friends be acting sexual around them?

Look, I'm not... Never! I'm not putting... Does anybody else's straight friends be acting... Yes. Do you ever feel like the straight people in your life have some strange attraction to you? Okay, so here.

I have a good answer to this, too. Do you want the details? Because there's a lot of them. Oh, yeah. Here. You can give me the Cliff's Notes of it. So essentially he's saying that anytime he hangs out with one specific friend, no matter what they're doing, so in this case he's playing Smash Brothers with his friend,

and he will somehow work into being like, we should suck each other's dicks. Like just sort of like throws that out. Like no matter what they're doing, is it that dramatic? Cause I feel like I erased it, but it was literally like they were watching a YouTube video of like a female, like vocalist.

And the guy was like, Oh, she's hot. And the other guy was like, yeah, I do her. And he's like, which if I was her,

would you suck my dick? Kind of thing. Like, like that guy just wants his dick. So no matter what. Um, and his, um, if I was her, would you suck my dick? Kind of thing. I feel like that guy just wants his dick sucked by a man. This thing is like, no matter what. And his... Or he's just desperately unconfident and wants to suck my dick.

Okay, here. I have an answer to this, too. And this is for my gay friends. Because I tell my gay friends all the time, and they don't believe me, that straight guys slap each other's asses. And straight guys kind of act sexually fucking bromody like a lot of the guys. Well, honestly, like, every week we have to edit out me slapping Dane's ass or him slapping me.

Sure. There's, like, a 20-minute segment of him just spanking me. Guys are comfortable around other guys, especially if you're not attracted to them. So, like, I've heard of mushroom slaps. What is mushroom slaps? What's a mushroom slap? Okay, well, just where a guy, like, just, like, randomly goes up and slaps another guy with his knob. Like, that's just something, no?

Okay. Yeah, that's what we do. Let me tell you. I think it's very fratty things. That's all, that's also the other 20 minutes. Like, you should record four hours of podcast. We, like, hang out with dudes that we're very close with every Monday. And I don't think, as far as I know, no one has slapped anyone with their dick.

Honestly, it's one of those things where we know Dane's not accepting, so we do it when he's not there. No fair. Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm always... Yeah, when you show up and you realize that the boys all have this little... It almost looks like the FedEx arrow, just in red on their cheek. But where's the point? The point's not there because it's my rounded penis hole.

Not the FedEx arrow. Yeah, almost. I would say if a guy's acting like that, like if a guy's acting like... If a guy's slapping you in the face with your dick, yeah, you're probably in there. That's what I understand. Not all straight guys

slap each other with their dicks, but I know that straight guys flirt with each other just as you watch a basketball game. They're all slapping each other's ass after the fucking game, right? I will say, like, I feel like if you're... Like, me, Dane, a lot of our friends.

You guys fuck around? We're all pretty, like, free with our compliments and, like, our, you know. Yeah, I mean, there is, there is a sort of, like, a free-form homoeroticism. Yes. That comes with, like, male bonding. Sure, exactly. No, there should be. A lot of people are very against that.

Yeah. You know, like, a lot of people refuse to admit they find guys hot or be like, hey, you look great or whatever. Guys who are confident with their masculinity, a lot of the time there is that homoerotic. A lot of guys who are confident with their masculinity, there is that homoerotic bonding, male bonding kind of thing. So if a straight guy is comfortable with a gay guy, it's the same kind of deal. I would say don't read too much into it. It sounds like

a little bit more. What? There's a difference between slapping Dane's ass and going like, yo, Dane, would you suck my cock? Well, you know what,

I'm going to ask Niall. Niall, because you flirt with me all the time. Massively. You always have. You always, always, always have. Can you imagine if I read too far into that?

Well, maybe if you weren't too sexy. Thank, well, thank you. I am pretty sexy. But at the same time, I have. Can you imagine if I read too far into that? Or maybe if you weren't too sexy. Thank, well, thank you. I am pretty sexy. But at the same time, I would never be like, if I was her, would you suck my dick? Which also makes no sense. Yeah, no. I mean, like, I'm her person. She doesn't have a dick.

I'm pretty sure. Hold on. You sometimes would be so graphic with our little flirty jokey things that people would get thought that we were a couple when people met us all the time. People thought we were a couple because you post us on social media all the time. Also, to be fair, people think we're a couple. Yeah, also people think we're a couple. Yeah, people do think you guys are a couple.

And after this, people are going to think you guys are a couple. There's literally a gay man that I used to work with who thinks we're a couple. Yeah, yeah. And gets jealous about it. It gets real weird about it. Also, you guys get jealous about it. I love it. One hell of a throuple.

Oh, man. Our throuple would kill it. Maybe. Let's just do this. But here's the thing. It's like... throuple. Oh, man. Our throuple would kill it. Maybe let's just do this. But here's the thing. It's like, this might actually be like a really cool,

again, I'm not a gay man, so like I'm, Wait, what? Get off this podcast. I'm using sort of like what we've talked about from your point of view and from our point of view.

It's like, if a straight dude is treating a gay dude the way he would treat another straight dude, it's like, he's kind of like like, eliminating that, that sort of, like, barrier that sexuality exists.

You got it. And just, like, and just treating him like a guy. You got it. Now, I really want to hear your, your, your, on the subject, because you're one of my best friends. And to me, you're not my straight friend. And I'm not your gay friend. Yeah. Like, we're literally just best friends.

Yeah, no, it doesn't fucking matter. Never. Yeah, exactly. I flirt with you all the time. Just like your whole day. If you can't look at your mate and be like, yo, you're looking real good, then you're a fucking asshole.

From the gay guy to the gay guy, if anything, be flattered that the straight guy is just thinking of you as another guy. Don't read too far into it and also i do think like you have the solid position like if you're the gay like solidly the gay one in the relationship you have the position of everyone knows your sexuality if for some reason the straight guy wants to experiment or wants to transition or whatever

any of that it's it's on him like it's his thing to do and it's his overture to make and if he literally one day is like yo can we do this then that's the time when you decide whether or not you want to do it that's when the gay man is going to be uninterested too probably but the thing is it's all about the chase boys if he's scared enough that he can't like properly put it out there he's probably gonna be too scared for you to make a move. Even if that's where he's at, if he's not actually just flirting. So I think the safest thing is for you to be solidly where you're at and like,

kind of just be open. And if one day they're literally being like, hey, let's do X or Y. Do you want to do X or Y? Yes or no. And if you do, sure. If you don't, don't. I wanted to X or Y for three years now

and fuck you for not offering it up I'm sorry but Dane got there first I know fuck you too it's funny because like I picked this question

because it was a similar thing that I went through where like I was friends with a woman who I thought was a very strict lesbian like for her entire

like the entire time I knew her she was very like lesbian showed no sign of interest in me and no sign of interest in me and no shine some interest in men um and then like out of the blue like we ended up like having dinner together like at her place like she offered to cook me dinner and I was just like oh cool like

I just we haven't hung out in a while and like this is a thing and if if it was a straight woman that I was in this situation with I would have 100% made a move. But because she was, or because I deemed her, like, strictly lesbian, you know what I mean? Like, I didn't make a move. And then, like, I don't remember how long it was, but, like, eventually it was just, like, one of those things where I sort of, like, threw out a joking sort of, like, ha ha, like, maybe we should hook up kind of thing. She was like, yeah, okay. And, like, to this day, I'm still bewildered as to why we had

sex. I think we've had, like, I think I slept with her, like, twice. But, like, this is a woman that, like, I, again, very, very ingrained in, like, lesbian culture and, like, lesbian sort of, like, she's only ever dated. You only ever dating whisperer damn well maybe i've had the same thing maybe but like you too oh yeah like a bunch but like

if if i had known there was interest i would have made a move or i would have at least like attempted to progress that relationship probably would have harmed your like situation as well yeah i don't know but like but then we ended up like we slept together twice yeah and then we're still sort of like in the same place like yeah and like we haven't really ignored each other wow but we also weren't ever really at all that close yeah i've had a lot of similar things where i think like a lot of people tend to think of like sexuality is like gay bi straight whatever but it really is on that scale you know what i mean so like some people it's like yeah i like males predominantly but like the odd girl might pique my interest or like women predominantly

but like the odd guy and i think a lot of people who are bi are turned off by like a lot of traditional masculinity which is a lot of fucking bullshit which i think of you know a lot of this podcast was arguing against like if someone's gonna be a piece of shit or a douchebag or whatever like i've met a lot of people who are practically solely interested in women and then i've met them and chatted to them and they turn around i'm like surprised but you know it's everyone's on that scale right so the reason i mentioned that story was just because like your point was you know they're gay they'll make the move exactly so where does that make the move whereas whereas like sometimes despite the fact of their sexuality or like because they they seem so solid in their sexuality maybe there is an interest in you

specifically as a person as opposed to like you specifically as a gender. But they made the move. But I made the like initial reference. You know what I mean? Yeah, but at the same time you didn't make it seriously. True.

And they were the one like to make the overture. So I think like, yeah, be open, but I think it's really on the person with the more stable kind of like

fucking foundation to move, you know? If there's one thing I've learned in 29 years of life, it is do not speak on behalf of a lesbian. So I find your story to be very fascinating and entertaining, but I ain't saying a shit. Sounds funny though. Next.

Next question. Uh, do you have one? Oh, I got one. All right. All right. So I'm not even sure if there's a question.

It's just a journey. You guys ready to be taken on this long, long journey with me? Let's do it. So, uh, this is from Seduction Reddit. Oh, Jesus. And this is from user HG JD

GDFD. Wow. And it says... Why are they so mad at vowels? My working hypothesis with this woman. I met a woman on a dating app who lives in China. She's coming to my country on a business trip for two weeks in June. Report that she'll be in Switzerland. She's weird because sometimes she replies,

and sometimes she just ignores me. She is probably interested in some way, because otherwise why would she reply at all? It's kind of bitchy to just ignore my messages and questions. Once she's nowhere for two days, I'm trying to just let it be what it is, because I have a hypothesis that she's doing this as a deliberate plan

for one of two reasons. A, to test if I will get mad. I kind of shit test. B, because she doesn't want to develop too much of an emotional bond with me during the time up to her arrival in my country because she's just looking for some fun another relationship maybe a free dinner maybe sex i don't know she could just meet somebody on location instead or she can meet somebody online just a week before arriving maybe she's too busy for that or she can't

do that for some other reason or she prefers to a bunch of men to choose from early on so that when she arrives she can pick the three she likes most of the 20 or more she's been trying to for weeks but then it hit me that even if it'd be and even if she's a slut who does fuck with this 20 or more men at any given time and fucks three men at every business trip destination when and if finds a man she really thinks his boyfriend material or marriage material she might behave differently and that's kind of a turnoff to think that she might think i'm good enough to pay for a dinner or for sex but not boyfriend material space thoughts would you even keep talking to her jesus christ this guy literally i don't think knew what he was getting into when he started

this phone movie or a show and somebody spread wide open and they're falling down with the spiral and everything is just going down, like falling down the hole. Oh yeah, that's it. And Alice in Wonderland. That's what I was doing listening to that thing. Are you ready for the comment that he put then? Ah! There's more? Then again, she might just be a reluctant bitch after she heard vaguely, what do I do for a living?

Because right now she asked me, are you doing manual labor today? I said, yes. I'm most prepared to go to work now. She said god i said why she said what is your monthly salary i replied with a laughing smiley and good but i don't know if she's going to want to talk to me he seems to only care about money and i have a menial job and then someone called me i'll give you 50 000 a year to shut the fuck up oh two oh man i like i this upset me so. I do my best not to judge people based on their grammar and their... Based on their insanity? Stuff like that.

But especially in this where we were pulling questions off the internet because we don't know the situation. It doesn't matter if you... Who's ever asked anyone ever, Are you doing manual labor today? Like, what? That's all I ask Kyle on a daily basis today? Like, what? That's all I ask Kyle on a daily basis. I know, right? Are you though?

Never, never. Wow. No manual labor here. Yeah, no. I feel like this person needs Jesus. I was going to say, in all honesty, I don't mean to be rude, but he sounds lonely. He sounds like he has too many knives. Yes.

When he was saying, A, this, B, that, I was like, see? She's. Yes. When he was saying A, this, B, that, I was like, see? She's just bored. Like, I don't know. I've been that person sometimes to just, like, text somebody when I'm bored. Like, it's going a little far. What I love is, like, he's got, like, look at the size of this goddamn post.

And it's based on the fact that, like, sometimes she replies, but once she took two days like that's not a lot to base it on I feel really bad for him I'd say get off the internet or stop texting or get off of any official whatever my thing is like maybe don't

message people outside of your country outside your country don't do that I feel like there's so many givens here because there's a lot of things like one there's like a cultural difference between one country to the next. Yeah. So like, you don't really know

what those cultural norms are. You know what I mean? Also, there's a time difference. Yeah. So your message, depending on when they get it, like.

Yeah. And it's like, maybe those ones, like on Saturday, I was literally at work from like various forms of work. Like I got on set at 8 a.m. And I left my bar job at like 2.30 a.m.

But also, I'm not taking this too seriously. I don't think it deserves seriousness. If you're putting that kind of fucking twist on this shit, you're probably fucking insane. My advice is don't be like this person. We're sorry, but you need to like this person. We're sorry, but you need to... Jesus. I read this

and got upset. Yeah, that was crazy. You need to get some houseplants or something. Which he would then pee on and eat. Your description of that swirling downward spiral of insanity. The fact that it just

like kept going. I've got another good one because that was quick but you can go. I also have one that like I kind of want to know the answer to as well.

Okay. This comes from a Reddit user throwaway and a bunch of numbers. And it says how is Dade's beard right now? Yeah.

Great. It's great. Shrug? It's great. How to find myself in the top slash bottom dynamic. Wow. I, 22 male, gay slash virgin, grew up in a very small, very religious town in the Midwest. It wasn't until the end of high school, as I was leaving for university, that I came

out to my friends and family. I could tell a few of my friends were a little uncomfortable, but my friends, or my family and my closest friends didn't seem to care and they were very supportive. However, because of where I grew up, I never really experienced gay culture. Now I'm living in New York City for school and I've found more gay friends. I want to start dating slash having sex,

but I have no idea where to start as all the guys I know have very rigid definitions of tops and bottoms, and that classification seems to be an absolute when it comes to determining someone's personality. Example, I've heard guys say that they couldn't do things because they're a top or a bottom. And not just sexual things, things like order a cocktail or wear certain clothing. Is this a university gay thing? Do I need to conform to a top-slash-bottom stereotype?

Why does this matter so much? My initial answer right away is it doesn't matter so much. I found that to be a really great story. Number one, I'm happy to hear that he grew up in the Midwest and he had a good coming-out story, because that's really important. I feel like good coming-out stories are everywhere. Fantastic.

Especially in the Midwest of the United States. Yup. Especially in the awesome fucking United States. Number two, if you are looking to find yourself sexually, New York City is the city to do it. So you're not going to have a hard time. Number three, relax. Don't think about it. Most of us, when we first start being sexually active with guy on guy, we're young young and it's just the same as anybody's sexual journey yeah when we're guys that is something that you have to find or you have to experiment with you have to realize what works for you when it comes to topping and bottoming it's almost a

joke these days yeah a bottom is a little bit more feminine uh top is a little bit more masculine but these days no none of that matters like bottom i know i know tops who like would be a lot more feminine than other fucking bottoms sure like it doesn't really matter it doesn't matter i think this guy is scared of it and the longer you wait for something the scarier it becomes my advice is suck a couple dicks and you know best advice again that we get into bed with a guy and don't think about it. And whatever happens is going to happen. Don't think about the top or the bottom thing. Sadly, buddy, you are like, sorry, you are 22 and you're a virgin.

So you have room to expand. You are a blank canvas right now and somebody's going to paint you. Well, I think the thing is, it's like if you want to order a cocktail or if you want to do whatever that you feel like this top or bottom thing is getting the way of like if someone's like oh you order a cocktail you're clearly a bottom and you're like no i'm not and they're like you probably don't want to fuck them anyway to most so you need to to most gay men it's such an obvious like it's something that we go through when we're young it's part of a metamorphosis. I always say there's three classes of being a gay man.

You are a Charmander, a Charmeleon, or a Charizard. I say it all the time. So Charmander is very much like top or bottom. But you're always blaming. Or whatever. Definitely always blaming. Top or bottom, all of that stuff. Versus that's kind of the Charmander phase.

You figure that stuff all out. And then once you're around 22, 23, 24, 25, you kiki with your boys or whatever and yeah you can just make jokes oh you're such a top oh you're such a bottom just because it's not a big deal honestly people joke about things that aren't a big deal so just don't worry about it suck some dick like hang out get in bed get naked get comfortable see what pops up your ass or what doesn't you know it's like i'm sure don't think too hard about it because it will get scarier if you think too hard about it and use lots of lube, young man. Lots of lube.

That is my biggest advice. Lots of lube and be protected, of course. Yep. But also just like do what you want to do. And like where you are in bed doesn't necessarily matter on your personal level. It doesn't. It doesn't. Like you can be the buffest, biggest dude and still be a bottom or like vice versa.

It doesn't fucking matter. It's part of gay. So like it's, it's part of gay culture to, you know, get around and joke when it comes to topping and bottoming. Jokes are fine, but that's what you want to do.

It is, it is really that lighthearted and it really is not that big a deal at all. I think it's one of those things where like, he probably has added a bunch of gay dudes onto his Facebook or Instagram or whatever and like all the gay guys that I know or have on Facebook or Instagram post a lot of memes that are like very sort

of like top bottom you know what I mean centric and so like I think they're funny because it's so extreme and like it's a piss take. But to walk into sort of like that with complete ignorance to then assume that there's like some truth yeah and that you know and i think that's kind of like because if i walked into sort of like gay culture or like at least like gay sex like not knowing anything which this guy

probably doesn't know anything coming from a place that doesn't deal with this at all um like if if that's sort of, like, your introduction to it, and then, like, in sort of, like, face-to-face, people joking about it again in sort of, like, this very... I think it's just being insecure about things, right? And you would not take jokes as jokes necessarily. Yeah, the same way that, like, you and I brave each other about, like, shit,

you know what I mean? Especially when we're single, you know what I mean especially when we're we're single you know what I mean like if we would joke about sort of like heterosexual sex if I was a virgin and had no idea about anything

I would sort of like take that take that sort of seriously and be like I know you're joking but with every joke there's like that

that monochrome that little crumb of truth um another point too is that if he is 22 he's grown up in the era of grinder where i did not so there's a generational gap too if your first if your first um experience with gay men is just seeing them on grinder and just talking to them

on grinder you know you're specified on there i am a top i am a bottom i am a top verse i'm a bottom verse like if the first time you try and have your grinder date over and it's you, and then you suck his landlord off... I love a throwback so much. What's that going to do to a boy's confidence?

Honestly, when I was first meeting guys, there weren't dating apps on your phone or anything like that. Same with all of us. You had to meet or talk or get to know somebody before you throw up yeah and it wasn't like yo here's my category like when you when you sign is it like when you're on grinder it says right there it says all your things it says your stats and then it says is there like a drop down menu or do you put it in yourself no it says a drop down so it says top verse top verse verse bottom bottom make sense yeah yeah so like verse

bombs like general like so okay but mainly bottom exactly yeah versus um 50 50 i go yeah first top is i are there many verses um these days honestly again i hate speaking for the i always see these memes where toronto is all bottoms toronto is the city of bottoms. But it's not just Toronto. I mean, that's just Canada. We are living in the era of the ass. You know? Like, seriously. Since Kim Kardashian, Nicki Minaj, and several other,

like, you think of the sexiest people in the world. Asses are in. I will say, asses are in, but I always thought it was just like, ooh. Who's dropping shit now? Asses are in, but I always thought it was just like... Who's dropping shit now? Asses are in, so bottoms are empowered. It's empty, and I knocked it, so fuck you.

Yeah, no, that's... Why does Kim Kardashian's ass transfer over? Just... Well, I mean, Kim Kardashian is... Show me some good boy booties. Because, personally, Kim Kardashian does nothing for me. Do you want me to stand up? I can stand up if you want. My booty's the best one here. We know this. I feel like gay or straight, like male booties,

female booties, like asses are just the thing right now. It's awesome. We have no other common parts. Nothing. Nipples? Nothing. No, we don't. Nipples? Nope. Talk to Instagram. We don't have the same

bones. We don't have the same skin. We don't have the same muscles Instagram we don't have the same bones we don't have the same skin we don't have the same muscles we don't have the same eyes we don't have

the same brain oh god he spent too long on the seduction it took so long for everyone to get that okay

I'm taking the that was a good question I really like that I hope this guy just relaxes and just has some sexual

experiences and just hangs out yeah when I found out it was like as a straight guy who, like, isn't part, like, I can imagine,

like, I imagine I have the same sort of knowledge about it all as he did. You know what I mean? And I was like, this is a good question. But for him, it's like an impending doom.

Like, it's like, you know, he's in a city. It doesn't really have any bearing on my anything. For him, he's probably stressing about it. It's the same general

fucking rule, though. It's like, do what you want to do. If you're a bottom or a top, or you want to be verse, or verse bottom, verse top, whatever, and you want to get a cocktail, or you want to go play fucking rugby, or you want to go do X or Y, I don't think you're going to be happier if you

don't do what you want to do for someone else's sake. But this guy also, like, for 22 years, lived in a place where he wasn't happy. I know, I know. Or at least he wasn't allowed to do what he wanted to do. But, like, now you're in a place

and you can be happy. Like, you can be a bottom who fucking does whatever the fuck you want. And, like, maybe someone's like, oh, that turns me off. But you will find someone

who accepts that and then you're gonna be a lot happier. Like, it's not like it's different. Especially now in 2019. Yeah. It's not like it's, oh, you're gay, so you have to completely compromise your life because you're gonna be a lot happier like it's not like it's different in 2019 yeah like you know it's not like it's oh you're gay so you have to completely compromise your life because

you're whatever it's like you do what you fucking want to do and your sexual orientation or what your preferences in bed don't fucking matter you will find the person that accepts you for what you want and then you'll be fucking great like anyway i'm sorry it just pisses me off when people like don't let people do what they love or people don't feel like they're able to do what they love um so i have one that got deleted so i'm gonna paraphrase uh i visited my boyfriend at home and found out that his best friend was someone I matched with and talked to for a while on Grindr. Do I tell him or not?

Say that one more time. You visited your boyfriend at home. I've been dating a guy for a while. I went to visit him at home. While he had his family and some friends over, I realized that I've been chatting on Grindr with one of his friends for a while before we started dating.

Do I tell him or not? I would say the tactful thing to do is no, don't tell him right away. I think that is a situation that happens often. A gay world is a small world. Whatever city you live in, you know, we are connected and a lot of us know each other and a lot of us have been around the block. The tactful thing to do is no. Just let it go.

Absolutely. And that's the bigger thing to do. That means you're above this. It's just whatever. We've all hooked up with somebody or talked to somebody. What if he tells them? A lot of the time, sure.

So a lot of the time, the person that ends up saying, well, I actually talk to him, and I go, blah, blah, blah. Or I actually, blah, blah, blah. A lot of the time, sure. So a lot of the time, the person that ends up saying, well, I actually, or I actually, a lot of time, that's just showing that you're trying to be competitive. Yeah. Or you might be scared. You say it, it's like a danger to you. They say it, it's a danger to you. There's no, like, if you say it, there's no risk to yourself.

And the other person is saying, oh, I honestly didn't even think about it. Sorry, I have too much of a life and I'm happy with my relationship. Or he's like, oh, yeah, oh my god. So usually the general spoken rule of that kind of thing is it's classy to not mention it okay okay that is that is that is the really etiquette instead would have figured that just say yeah oh like I know your friend like or like funny story talked to him on grinder before the thing is it's so common yeah it's so common and you don't know what emotion it might provoke out of your boyfriend or anybody else involved kind of thing.

That it's just kind of the classy thing to do. To be like, no. And if it comes up, sure, it comes up. There's probably a difference between talking to someone on Grindr and just fucking them. If you've maybe slept with their friend a bunch of times, maybe a different question. Most of the time, if you do bring it up, it's considered

gossip, or juicy, or I'm bitter, or different question. Most of the time, if you do bring it up, it's considered gossip or juicy or I'm bitter or jealous or any of those things. Or competitive or anything like that. He messaged me first anyway. Before he had you, he was talking to me kind of thing. The classy thing really is to do just let it go. If you're

Charmeleons, at least, then both of you will just throw some slashes maybe the odds i had i had slept with one of amanda's friends before like a man and i even got involved and like uh i don't remember what it was but like she texted me and be like did you like she asked me if i i've told man i was like well there's like no real point like it would be weird for me to like by the way out of nowhere here's this fact that's gonna but it's like if she ever asked like I'm not gonna lie about it yeah and she was like well then I'm gonna tell her it's like okay cool but by all

means like do it like if you want if you want to but like again I'm not gonna bring it up because it like it has really no bearing yeah it's kind of before by the way you're doing your thing but I'm gonna tell you this thing about me. You know. Because that seems like you're just giving them the finger or, like, digging a needle in the wound. But I was also like, I'm not going to lie about it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, I had no point... Like, it's such a bad fucking form to... Especially because, like, this was pretty much, like, right when we started. Yeah. We weren't even, like, exclusive at that time. We were just still, like... We were just sort of, like, starting our open relationship. Mm-hmm. even like exclusive at that time we were just still like we were just sort of like starting our open relationship i was like it's it's such bad form to start a relationship on a lie of course especially something that really doesn't have any bearing on sort of like current circumstances

yeah yeah so i was just like i was like i i haven't told her about it but like if if it's a big deal like by all means bring it up if you want want me to bring it up, we'll talk about that and figure out how to do it. But, like, if she asks, I'm not going to lie about it. I'm not going to exclude that from my life

because it happened. Right. And if it ever comes out, then I'm the fucking asshole who lied about it. So, and she was like, well, I'm going to tell her that. I was like,

by all means, please. Like, if you feel comfortable doing that, go for it. And, like, it all worked out, obviously. Right. I feel like I would have played that the same way. Yeah. Honestly.

And it's like, it was one of those things where I was just like, it feels very strange for me to, like, just sort of throw out of the blue to be like, oh, by the way. By the way, hey, yeah. here's a list of all the people I've slept with. You're just enjoying your day. You know what I mean? But whereas like

when we started sort of like dating sort of like quote unquote unofficially, like again, open, it makes sense for a friend to be like, oh, hey, just so you know, like if this is sort of

the situation you're entering into, just so you know, I've also slept with them. You know what I mean? Want to do one more? Sure. This is the Seduction Rez again. God damn it.

By THR0Wsex. So throw sex, I guess. Ex-girlfriend going by the drop-off stuff. What do I do? Hire as many hookers as you can afford. It was a friendly breakup a week. That's so close to the options. There's three options, so y'all got to pick one or proffer another.

Okay. It was a friendly breakup a week ago. She's not looking to be in a relationship. ATM. But I'd like to see if she'd be down to be friends with benefits or maybe a sugar relationship. Brackets, she's doing her master's and I'm in a lucrative career. Brackets, full stop. When she comes, how do I handle it? Option one, have a friend, bracket, who is a girl, bracket, over. Be cold. Say thanks. Send her on a way to make her jealous.

Two, grab dinner with her. Invite her over to see the dogs. Tray out my baking that she loved. Option three, drive by her place to pick up the stuff instead of the hot girl in the passenger seat. None. None. Zero. I love the idea of like what's the

invitation it's like uh hey uh veronica do you mind just sitting in my car for a second while i go pick up the shit for my ex-girlfriend i don't feel like if you're confident enough that you have all these hot girls on beck and call you're not going to be like, yo, Valerie, I need you to, like, no. Like, none of these. I need to use the word Beckon more often in everyday speech. But also, Beck and Cole, yeah, but like, oh man. None, none, none. Like, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to offend your listeners. This guy sounds creepy. Oh no, he's clearly bitter. He's mad. I promise you, I promise you, you are not offending anyone that listens to this. No one who listens to this is, this is,

I got this because he's a fucking idiot. Okay, well, if... I was going to say something worse. Dane, what would you do? He's a fucking idiot. What would you do

if your ex was coming to drop off your shit? I'd give them my shit and I would say... So here's the thing. This was a fun relationship that lasted and I would leave. I'm not them my shit and I would say So here's the thing. This was a fun relationship that lasted and I would leave.

I'm not the best person to ask for this because when I broke up with one of my exes she found an apartment like midway through the month so I told her

I was like you're welcome to stay the month find a new place like I'm not obviously not going to kick you out of the fucking apartment. We've been together

for X amount of years like but then I found out she had found an apartment like midway through the month of the fucking apartment. We've been together for X amount of years. Wow. but, then I found out she had found an apartment like midway through the month and was still like sleeping on the couch and shit

and hadn't packed up any of her shit like the day before she was supposed to move out. So I threw all of her shit in a garbage bag and left it on the porch. Okay, that's fair.

Um, but, if someone was coming over to give me my stuff, I'd just open the door and take it. I would literally, as simple as that. Cut and dry.

Thank you. You know what's really funny? Uh, the first girlfriend I ever had, she told me she was pregnant over the phone and broke up with me. Wow. On New Year's Eve. Oh. Uh, turned out she lied about being pregnant.

Ah. Still broke up with me showed up a few days later with a boy in the car driving and dumped my shit at the end of my driveway which had a card saying get well soon from being retarded wow

yeah did you break up with Fergie? she broke up with me so that's all I'm saying but that's basically this person Did you break up with Fergie? She broke up with me. So, that's all I'm saying. But that's basically this person. So, I'm wondering if it's still her. Maybe she like changed genders.

I don't know. But I will say, I can't remember what I was going to say. It was going to be funny though. Okay, let's just turn this into the pettiest thing you've done in a breakup. Oh, I'm so petty. Because mine is golden. Oh my God. But I can go to yours.

I am petty mayonnaise. I don't know. Pettiest thing. Okay, we'll start then. Yeah. Uh, I slept. Garbage bag? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I slept with my ex's roommate.

Okay. That's pretty petty. You slept with your ex's roommate? Yeah. You go next. Okay, so this one takes a little bit of explaining. It's not even that bad, but it's fucking hilarious. So, I, me and my ex

had talked, like, years into our relationship, and we were, like, joking about, like, the worst thing to say to someone you break up. And I think, I forget what hers was, but mine was, like, just, like, hand on the shoulder look him in the eye and say keep on trucking i just turn away and walk away and she was like it's so ridiculous but also so awful because like something so stupid and like just like meaningless and awful

like how could you say that someone it was like a funny joke we had um and she became convinced i was cheating on her which was just not happening and then at one point she went through all my messages and was like oh my god i know you're not cheating on me this is so great and i was like this is not but i'm glad you're there but don't go through my shit again and we'll be cool and then the next time she did i was like now we're done um so she showed up on my apartment um and like just was so miserable and so mean and like terrible and like i was just giving her back her stuff and just being terrible all this shit and like we we shared the apartment as well and at one point like she's being horrible and i was like look i know you thought i was cheating on you and like i know you saw all the fucking messages i

ever sent to anybody and i know you know we didn't i you and like I know you saw all the fucking messages I ever sent to anybody and I know you know we didn't I just want you to know going forward cause her ex cheated on her and I was like I just want you to know I didn't and like for your future relationship sake like that that's kind of you know and she was like yeah I fucking doubt that like fuck

you and like slammed the door which had been so mean to me for the last like hour when I've been trying to be nice also threw my dark souls disc in a corner and like scratch the door which had been so mean to me for the last like hour when I've been trying to be nice. Also threw my Dark Souls disc in a corner and like scratched it up or whatever. And I was just like

this little shitty part of me was like I opened the door and I was like, hey. I called her name out and she turned around in the hallway and the worst part is

she looked really hopeful and I was just like keep on trucking. And she was like, fuck you! That would get a reaction out of me too. It was pretty funny. Somebody, keep on trucking. And she was like, fuck you! That would get a reaction out of me too. It was pretty funny. Somebody said keep on trucking.

I would probably say fuck you. That's a pretty good one though. I don't know. I thought it was appropriate. The pettiest thing I've ever done during a breakup, and I've only had a couple of breakups, like serious relationships or non-serious relationships. I think it's something people do commonly too.

Looking back on it, it's a little embarrassing. Yes, killed them. When I do go through a breakup, I go on the social media rant, and I just start hanging with all my friends and make it look like I'm having the best time ever. And I'm out, and I'm just posting picture after picture after picture. I'm posting gym selfies.

I'm posting thirst trap picture. I'm posting gym selfies. I'm posting thirst trap picture. I'm posting like all the same thing to make it look like I'm having the best time without you, bitch. Like, look how good I am without you. And all the time, just hoping that you see it because I'm trying to be petty. Like, that's probably the pettiest thing I've done during a breakup. Your gym selfies are the best thirst trap shit. Thank you so much. I've been eating a lot of cake lately, so there's not been many, but...

No, they're amazing. All right. Okay, now we actually have to end it. Yeah. We're at like 118. Yeah, that's cool. We probably have some shit to cut. That's going to wrap it up.

Hell yeah. Thanks for listening. Thanks. Thanks for coming along, Kyle. You're the fucking best. Thanks for having me. Yeah. This was really fun. I will come Thanks for listening. Thanks. Thanks for coming along Kyle. You're the fucking best. Yeah. This was

really fun. First guess this is this is scary. It's a big deal for us. It is a big deal. We couldn't have

picked a better person. Because literally pretty much every episode someone's like can I be on your podcast? Oh yeah.

Certainly. If you've asked don't get pissed at us that we chose someone apart from you. Kyle's amazing so maybe get amazing first and no

but seriously it's a big deal for us picking people and we love you he's amazing thanks for having me you never know I want to say

I'm not speaking for any of gay men out there today either I'm just speaking for me so I just want to say that you know

I'm just hanging with my boys here it's a decent disclaimer We're not talking for No we're not talking for everyone We always make mistakes Oh my god He always drops his phone and he barely

But it's the same today I'm sure we're often wrong And if you want to get on us for being wrong Or saying the wrong thing It's sure we're often wrong and if you want to fucking get on us for being wrong or saying the wrong thing, like fucking comfort. It's cool. We're down to chat. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, as we've always said, this is a conversation. If you feel like we've misrepresented

something or you want to add something to the conversation, please feel free to. And I might as well segue into all the ways you can do that. Yay! You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash fckbuddiespodcast. You can hit us up on Twitter at fck underscore buddies. If you want to send us a longer form written essay,

you can hit us up on Gmail or email at fbuddiespodcast at gmail.com. As always, don't send us more porn please don't send us porn or pictures of your dick or sort of like any sort of request for a certain sexual partner anything that might get you kicked out of primary school

I don't know and on top of that thank you Josh Eagle on the Harvest Cities for the song Paper Stars cause y'all kill it each and every week like it's crazy

every fucking performance they do sounds the exact same as the one before. I know. It's crazy that we can fit a full band in this closet. Especially when we have Kyle. So, not that Kyle's particularly large, even though he is very muscly. But I mean, like, three people in the whole band in one closet and a laptop and all the drinks we're drinking today.

Fuck. You know what time it is. kyle are you ready to get comfortable yes did you bring sex writing yes do you have the sex writing you once sent to me no i wish i wish okay this is the narrow road to the deep north i'm not sure if kyle's kyle get comfortable you motherfucker okay shit now I feel aroused. Alright, this is the narrow road to the deep north, my

Richard Flanagan. Whatever had held them apart, whatever had restrained their bodies before was now gone. If the earth spun, it faltered. If the wind blew, it waited. Hands found flesh, flesh, flesh. He felt the improbable weight of her eyelash with his own. He kissed the slight rose-colored trench

that remained from her knicker elastic, running around her belly like the equator line circling the world. As they lost themselves in the circumnavigation of each other, they came from nearby shrill shrieks that ended in a deeper howl. Dargo looked up. A large dog stood at the top of the dune. Above blood-jagged drool, its slobbery mouth clutched a twitching fairy penguin. Who wrote that?

Flanagan. Mm-hmm. Damn. Richard Flanagan. I'm happy I was comfortable. Has some weird sex things. Do you want to get dirtier? Should I get dirtier?

I think if she gets dirtier, I'm upset Kyle. How about The Hormone Factory by Saskia Goldschmidt? We get one an episode we can cut that one out and go

back to it it doesn't matter we can't cut things out I've never cut anything out especially not situations

many stories we talked about today good luck editing around my laughing by the way my damn

I honestly think this is going to be a fucking disaster to edit it's bad enough to edit with two people.

Right? As always, we finish every episode not only with sex writing, but with... A piece of shit. A piece of shit. Yeah. I was trying to find a more eloquent way to say it. No, it was a piece of shit. Yeah.

We go into a fellow named Dan's Twitter feed, and sometimes his personal website, and we pull out one of his nuggets of bullshit. So, one of his articles from February 2018, my ex seems happy on Facebook. You suck.

This guy actually is a piece of shit, isn't he? Yeah, 100%. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm't he? Yeah, 100%. Wow. My name is Dave Miller. And I'm Niles Bain. I'm Kyle Crawford. And we are Yo Fuck Buddies. Hell yeah.

I have to pee so bad. Me too.