F*ck Buddies: A Sex and Dating Advice Podcast - Episode 320 - From the Vault: Tony Pizza (Part 2)

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

You probably remember when we got really side-tracked by the legend of Tony Pizza.  Well, we didn't stop at just one episode.  We had a lot more to say on the topic.  Niall was in Mexico this week and the live show we wanted to release got corrupted, so we're cracking open the vault and sharing this unhinged episode just for you.

I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love I put my trust in you, and then I'm trusting out love I put my trust in you, I put my trust in love Hello friends, my name is Day Miller. And I'm Niles Payne. And we're Your Pillow Talk. And we are a sex and dating advice podcast where we take your sticky sexy situations and turn them into sexy sticky situations. This is our secret

behind the velvet rope under the red carpet down the velvet tunnel podcast that is available only to the coolest of the cool, the nicest of the nice, sexiest of the sexy. It's you. It's the people that support this show. Thank you. We love you. I don't like the phrase velvet tunnel. That sounds like something you'd read in bad sex writing. Well, why did you put velvet in the tunnel, Dave? I just thought it was classy.

Yeah, but like you can't have me not read it. Like it's in the notes. It's in the show notes and it is a factual thing because in real life So it feels weird for me if I don't read that out and someone gets there and they touch the edge of the tunnel And it's got that wet velvet that you specifically staple guns to the tunnel They're gonna be like wait if there was wet velvet in the tunnel They would have mentioned it and then they might leave and not get to this episode I don't know far and not be a loss for them. I don't know if they would because like if someone said oh here's how you get to

the train station it's down the street then you go underground they'll say like you walk through the cement and concrete tunnel. You're right but the thing is tunnels are meant to be cement and concrete they're not meant to be velvet. Says who? Says you. Says you. You just said you don't like velvet but you do like concrete. No, I said I don't like when you say the phrase velvet tunnel. You know what? All this talking about fabric has given me an idea. Mm-hmm. Right? So, well if we get a tunnel business. Ooh. Right? We make tunnels, We put them with velvet or whatever fabric. But the thing

is that could be scary. So maybe you'll need some kind of something to like keep you company while you walk down them. Yeah. Like a buddy of some sort. Oh, whoa. What if you need to sleep? It could be a really long tunnel. Yeah. Like it would be good if you could like double the buddy that you had as like some sort of blanket. Or like some sort of sleeping apparatus bag. Yeah, maybe. I'd put like a bed frame. Just so you have clothes, right? So you could use a quote your clothes or your coat or whatever as your blanket. But like, you know, we rest your head. What if there's someone in the tunnel you don't like, but you don't want to leave much evidence behind and you kind of want to suffocate them while they're sleeping? I can't think of a better murder weapon than a pillow.

Pillow buddy, we've done it. Okay, let's get into the show. And usually we talk about like, here's what we're going to talk about. And I say usually, I mean, like we started this a couple months ago years ago because we're smart podcast boys very good podcasters but we talked about something this week on the show I haven't stopped thinking about it Tony pizza man I haven't stopped Tony pizza is yeah is in my life and I did have pizza last night for dinner. I've been craving pizza and...

It just made it worse for me. Okay. Well, I haven't had pizza, so... I don't mean like the pizza was delicious. I just mean that like the amount that I'm thinking about Tony pizza has drastically increased. And to be fair, some people might say, Hey, you spent a lot of time talking about Tony pizza on the last episode. I would argue most people would say, wow, incredible restraint. And also you didn't spend enough time talking about pizza. Exactly what I feel. I feel like maybe perhaps

Tony pizza didn't get enough time and we didn't get enough time with him. Do you think his full name is Anthony pizza? It's got to be. OK, well, could be like. Tunt Tunt Tony Ball. Tony Tony Ball, Tony Ball Pizza, Tonyson, Tonyson, Tennyson, short Tennyson pizza. Hell, yeah.

I was thinking about Tony pizza a lot, and I was thinking about like his day to day life, his hopes, his dreams. Yeah, because we talked about how Tony pizza, at least how I thought Tony pizza was like almost like a sentient pizza man. He was made of pizza. Yeah. And I was thinking about like because pizza's flat typically yeah you know he got that thick stuffed crust

though that's what I'm thinking like like bulbous I was trying to gooey crust to picture right to envision what he looked like and I kept going into like a flat almost like Parappa the Rappa style, like Pizza Man. But I don't know what word did you just say? Parappa the Rappa. It's to be that Parappa the Rappa was a it was a PlayStation one video game in which you played a puppy who was on a quest to become an incredible rapper. And he went through like every stage was a new person teaching him rap, but like they weren't all rap. No, they were kind of, I don't know.

And it was like the first level was you were in like a karate dojo with like an onion man. Classic. And his like he was like a puppy. Parappa the rapper was a dog. Yes. Okay. So in my head It's just a pizza slice crust at the top point at the bottom. He's got like arms and legs He is pepperoni. Yeah, he's pepperoni pizza. Yeah, he's a classic man. Yeah, you know that song. He's a classic man Yeah, that only on top and a big stuffed crust. He's a classic man. That song was written about Tony Pizza.

Yeah. See, in my mind, he's like a classic pan because there's a pan pizza. Yeah. In my mind, it's like someone traced out a man of pizza. Right? Like it's like you and I laid down on a giant pizza and then someone took one of those big rolly pizza boys and traced us. That's scary. I don't like that. That's terrifying. Right. And I don't think Tony pizza would strike fear into the hearts of children.

No, no, no. It's like an evolutionary defense mechanism that these pizza people have developed to stop our young from just eating them on site. Yeah just going to fucking town on them. Because Tony Pizza would not reach his levels of being a classic man if he was munched by a toddler in his early formative years. And Tony Pizza would never strike a child either. Right like if a kid started eating him. Well if they deserved it. Tony Pizza is a is a conservative, old school parrot. No, he's never conservative. He's liberal as they come. I think maybe Tony Pizza transcends politics.

Maybe he doesn't understand our mortal ways. Maybe he's just there. He knows politics are very different. It's all about pineapple. It's all about like balance for them, right? Like figuring out the proper topping combinations to maintain balance. And pineapple is definitely a divisive topic. I imagine they're pretty open because like nobody wants a pizza world with just pepperoni.

And I very much don't. Pepperoni to me is is mid. So like I feel like they're very open You know if they're gonna be like hey you want ham and mushrooms. Yeah, you want green peppers. That's cool Tendor yeah, and fuck yeah, like they're probably much better than us sure try it out Figure it out. Yeah, that's the thing. I think that's like the Tony pizza motto, right? It's like try it out. See what you like. Hey, if it's good for you, maybe it's like try it out see what you like hey if it's good for you maybe it's good for me it could be good and if it's not they don't have to do it again but now you know right like it's all about learning for me doesn't fucking

matter if it's good for you yeah damn yes pizza Tony pizza there's a lot to learn here from both him and here's me on the daily really I mean this is this was a tough week right like we had a lot going on it was a busy weekend at work we had a show on Sunday I had a move going on and it was just busy and it's been busy and it's not gonna slow down we've got seem to I think we're gonna be busy up until like April minimum and then it's like is April gonna be chill we don't know we're not in the hole yet yeah it's like yeah the next little bit it's like we got a live show next week then I think there's sort of like a bridge as we prepare for comic-con and then we've got comic-con and St. Patrick's Day

it's yeah so I mean it's like a week isn't much of a bridge I'll take the bridge because we also we have moving so I got no bridge. Yeah, it's just like it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare, y'all. And you know what that glowing beacon of hope at the end of the road is? Tony pizza. And when you move, what do you get? What does everyone get when you move?

Yeah, my good friend David Beer and Tony pizza. Yes, everyone like it's a universal thing where it's like, oh, you've moved. We're getting pizza. Hell, yeah. Let's go. And that's a cool pizza spot in my new neighborhood. That would be great. Yeah. I was about to like say list some places and I was like, oh, probably shouldn't talk to you. Shouldn't. Yeah.

But yeah, there are there are some in the area. That's good. And importantly, there's you. I guess not only pretty much neighbors. Yeah. Which is just going to increase the chaos of everything, I feel. Yeah, I feel like we're going to the possibility to record in person more is going to go up. And I think those are. Hmm.

Now, the thing is, the downside is during the summer, easier for one of us to dip up to the other person's place. However, hotter in the closet. Hotter in the closet. Yeah. Yeah. So pros and cons. Hotter in the closet. Yeah. Yeah. So pros and cons. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Should we do a question or?

I guess I guess we should. OK, I guess I'm not. Look, I'm not saying that I'm done talking about Tony pizza. No, I'm just saying maybe what's this house made out of? It's a pizza box. Yeah of it's a pizza box. Yeah No, I can't be another man doesn't have to be on maybe it's like just gently like, you know, keep okay cheese gooey It's like a stone Kind of like that's the thing it's not that much room dome oven with just a little you know

When he was in college, He lived at a pizza box Yeah, now that he's it's now that he's flat Because they're flat his flat his flat. I get it. That's a joke Was and a good one. It was a good one. Do you think they love or hate delivery drivers or deliver drivers like their ubers? Yeah, if they got to get somewhere Delivered I was just snatch him and that's a constant like threat they got to get somewhere. Why do people of Delivered Drivers just snatch them? And that's a constant threat they have to deal with. Delivered Drivers are like their mortal enemy.

Yeah. They're like, have you ever read or watched like the Golden Compass? Northern Lights? Have you guys called over? Yeah. And you know the way there's like the people that steal kids? It's just, I forget what they're called in the thing, but it's these. It's like kidnapping rings, yeah. That the thing, but it's these kidnapping rings. Yeah, that's the delivery driver for these guys. I watched the first season of Golden Compass or whatever, his terrible majesty or whatever, his terrible desires.

And I watched the first season of it. And could I also watch the movie? Could I tell you anything about that show other than there's like a little ferret that's pretty cute or like, yeah than there's like a little ferret? That's pretty cute Or like yeah, I think it's a ferret like they'll have like all the kids have like just form Oh, does it it's their whole thing is that they like change form up until you like hit puberty and then it like becomes one Form ah, yeah, but yes, and then I remember at one point in time I think the bad lady smushes one of the pets because I think that also kills the person

I think the bad lady smushes one of the pets because I think that also kills the person Yeah, there's like a link or I can survive it, but you'll like pretty much die of sadness afterwards Yeah, I can't remember I use I read them. They're very good The second one was like it was like a romance and it really got me as a kid I was like, this is what it should be like But in the third book the guy does stab God, so that's cool Well, yeah, I mean like the whole thing is allegory for religion. Maybe I should keep watching it because the show was good, but I haven't seen the show.

Let's not get distracted. So Tony pizza. Let's do this one because I teased it last episode, but we ran out of time for some reason. I'm not sure why. This is from New Recipe. Did I do a wrong thing? Am I a bad person? I feel ashamed even to write about this. I try to be the best partner I can. We have a five year perfect relationship with my girlfriend. I have always had a panty fetish. I like to sniff worn

panties. My girlfriend's. I know it sounds weird, but trust me, I am no weirdo nor pervert. I do not consider it pervert at least. It is just my kink and my girlfriend knows. My girlfriend went on a business trip with her colleague. Her colleague left her bag in our house. It was open and I saw panties. I took them and masturbated. They were not used. They smelled freshly out of washing machine. I have never masturbated to any other panties than my girlfriend. I did not consider it weird at first. Then I thought it might have been a bad decision. I feel bad towards my girlfriend. I would never cheat on her. I do not want to hurt her in any way. I will never do it again. I found out I feel bad about it afterwards. But cannot take it back. Has this considered cheating? Did I do a bad thing? back. Has this considered cheating? Did I do a bad thing? Did you do a bad thing? Yes. That's gross. You took someone's shit without their permission, which is theft. You used it sexually, which is gross because they didn't consent. None of that's good.

It's weird that like a no point in time does he feel bad for the woman he Yes, yes. and her belongings that he violated. Yeah, I think that's the right word. I don't think assaulted or abused is the right word, but I think violated is absolutely the correct word. I think it's a gross invasion of privacy to go through their bag. I doubt there was just panties hanging out. And even if they were, it's like if you just took them out and like scope them,

I think that alone would be weird and violation right yeah, it's their shit leave it alone But you took it, and then you fucking had a wank to it. It's not cool, dude Yeah, like outside of and like I think this is the important thing you can't be like. Oh, it's not a perversion It's just my kink, but it doesn't seem like you have any control over it. Like you, right? Like it seems more like an impulse or a, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? But like, yeah, like you're, you're doing this almost like you deserve it or it's yours to take. And that I think is like a pretty clear and common factor of someone having a problem. Whereas also you're like, damn, afterwards, I realized maybe it wasn't a good thing to do.

It's like if you didn't know, that's weird. And if you do know, don't lie to us now and pretend that like you were like, oh, weird. I kind of only realized after I stole their belongings and hid away and fucking jerked it to it, that maybe it was a bad thing. Like, come on, you knew. But he's saying that he's not even acknowledging what I consider the real problem, right? Like, he's saying I feel bad because I cheated on my girlfriend because I used another woman's panties. Right? Like, he's not like, oh shit, I crossed the line, I shouldn't have taken this woman's underwear.

Like, he's not saying any of that. The red flags here are huge. There's either you didn't know it was a bad thing or you're lying about not knowing it was a bad thing. And either one, it's like is bad. Right. If you knew it was a bad thing and you did it anyway, fucking just mess up. At this point, if you didn't know where the fuck are your morals, what do you think about life going through it daily basis?

You know what I mean? Two, they makes a really good point. At no point are you like, yeah, I did a fucked up thing to this person. What do you think about life going through it daily basis? You know what I mean? Two, Dane makes a really good point. At no point are you like, yeah, I did a fucked up thing to this person. And three, you're still also kind of being like, is it a bad thing? Yeah, you crossed so many lines

and you're only focusing on one. And I would say like arguably the least important of the line, not to say that it's not important, it's still up there because like, yes, taking another woman's garments or including another person in your kink without their consent is some levels a betrayal of trust on your partner's behalf as well. So I think you definitely need to stop and reevaluate and be like, hey,

what is it about these things? Like, why do I like it? Is it the act of taking something that doesn't belong to you? Because that seems to be what it is. So it's, there's a difference between a kink and a crime and what you've done is crime. Yeah. It's not cool. And you can't like, we all say like, Oh, don't yuck anyone's yums.

Don't kink shame. That doesn't mean you can express your kink however you like without repercussion. That's not what that means. So no don't hide behind like oh like it's not perverted It's not bad. It's just a kink. It's like yeah, dude. You can't just go around carplash turn your kink in people's faces Yeah, that's like saying like oh, I love masturbating in public or I love having public sex and then doing it in front of people and being like, it's not perverted. It's not like it's a kink. Yeah, it's my kink. That's not how it works. Everyone involved in a sexual activity needs to give consent.

And if they don't give consent, then you're crossing a line that is pretty firm line in the sand that you have ignored. So one taking someone's belongings and using them as in a sexual act is absolutely unacceptable. Absolutely. Even if they never find out about it, it does not matter. It doesn't matter. You still fucking did some shit. Now let's talk about the girlfriend aspect of things. Should you tell her?

I would say so because I think you're going to get a hard dose of reality of how upset she is about us. Yeah, because she's going to dump you. Like that's such a fucked up betrayal of trust for her and for her friends that like, yeah. Because it's the president, right? She's going to be so nervous like if she ever has friends over or if she ever goes on a girls trip or if she ever- Or if you're ever in someone else's home with her. That's a great point. Yeah. It's like every time you go over to a friend's house and you're like,

I'm going to go to the bathroom. She's going to be like, cool. I hope you don't have any panties lying around. Like, is there a hamper in the fucking bathroom? Are you going to rummage around through that? Like, and also, is that something you would do? And if the answer is yes, then you have a fucking problem my dude. So you need to tell her because you betrayed her trust and her friends you need to not do this again. I think it's a big thing that you need to stop and be like hey it's one thing to have the permission of my girlfriend to sniff her panties and masturbate. That is fine. You can do. We're not young and that's a highly different thing to what you did, which was introducing someone without their consent, stealing from them,

violating their trust, everything. Yeah. So it's like Nile and I are joking. You're young there. Do whatever the fuck you want with your partner, as long as they're aware and consenting and have given you permission to whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. Sniff feet, lick armpits. I don't give a shit. But you need to then be like, hey, this doesn't translate to carte blanche to do anywhere else. And if you do think that, or if you think, oh, if I come across another like a pair of panties in the wild, I'm gonna have to fucking give him a sniff or something, then you need to, I would say, seek professional help to discuss what this impulse is and how to control it.

Because it is an unacceptable thing to do to other people. Yeah. And in the meantime, think like, what would Tony pizza do? What would Tony pizza do? I know what he would do in this case, he'd be disappointed in you. Tony pizza do? I know what he would do in this case. He'd be disappointed in you. He would look at you in his recliner. He would put his newspaper, he'd fold his newspaper, put it over his leg and just

shake his head slightly. He'd give you the smack he usually reserves for children who deserve it. Just five across the eyes. He just takes his like sloppiest pepperoni off his chest and just the oldest one to the one that's like maybe you eat it. Maybe you don't get off the toilet for two days. It's the one that has like it's curled up because the edges have like burnt and has it the grease is pooled in the center and he just fucking just right across the fucking face with it. And look, I don't think violence is the answer almost ever. No, but but I also don't understand how pizzas do things.

You know what I mean? So I'm like, I speak for that. We don't know how pizzas do things. If we knew the magic that brought Tony pizza to life, I think we would be in a Jurassic Park situation. Right. I think this would be killing us. We'd have. Well, I think we would be in a Jurassic Park situation right I think this would be killing us we'd have well I think we would end up opening like a food court and we would bring all the foods to life so you'd have like your soft serve and you'd have your fucking like burgers and your fries and your cinnamon buns and then we've seen what happens we cross a line we

started reading things we start sniffing panties. Yeah we're sniffing the panties of genetic food genetically modified sentient food. Something just fell I don't know I think there's a ghost in here or the spirit of Tony pizza is like yes continue or stop I don't know we were getting too close to the true. Just get a close let's go to the next question. This is by Kelvinnead1995. Booked a $500 flight to New York City to see a girl. She rejected my whole day plan after 30 minute lunch. Like title says, booked a $500 flight to New York City to meet a girl I talked to for one month. In text, she was kind and funny. I thought we had connection. Our plan was to meet up and have lunch and then the library to explore and get to know each other.

I gave her a hug on first meeting. We had good lunch but very short, about 30 minutes, and she said her parents text her and told her to meet with them. I was genuinely shocked. My stomach was sinking. I felt like there was a rock in my stomach. I couldn't think for a moment. After a 10 second silence, I found myself conscious again and told her it's okay. You should go if needed. In my mind, I knew I will never see her again. I text her after I go to the hotel saying, I had a great time with you. It seems like you are not that interested. Hope you find the right one. She replied, thank you for putting in all your effort. I didn't really feel a connection between us. I wish you the best. It was very painful. I was in the city all by myself for three

days not knowing anyone. I tried to talk to people so I went to the Hudson River. Did start a conversation, which helped a lot. I want to let you guys know dating is hard. I'm a 28 year old male putting in maximum effort. I don't have any bad intentions. Really a family person. That's the question, huh? Yeah. Interesting. Okay. One, being alone in New York City is not the worst thing. I will say, unless your whole thing is to find the woman you're going to marry

and start a family with, like, yes, I think you're gonna have a bad time. But the city is incredible. There's world class museums, world class music, world class. Like, there's so much. Yeah, the food, the beer. There's so much you can do in New York City. If I had three days, if someone was just like, Hey, you have no plans, no one you need to like appease or like do anything with you can just explore New York City for three book and days. And presumably

you've got some cash to spend if you're flying out and renting a hotel. I hope so. Yeah, right. That's a whole other issue. I'm assuming you've got a little bit of pocket cash or if you're renting a hotel for three days and flying out, like, go enjoy the fucking city. Now, I think we need to get to the crux of the question is like now just like, why would you ever spend this much money on a first date? Yeah. Mm hmm. Also, I will say to add a little context in the comments, I tried to get her to video chat with me first, but she refused. Good. Next step is definitely

by a plane ticket. Yeah, don't do this. I would love to know where they went for lunch, because I think that's also I hope it was Denny's or something. It was like a suborow or something. Like, that's what I get the vibe of. was probably like a semi fast food like maybe slightly upscale like they bring the food to you but you still order at the counter kind of situation. I'm not here to say that's shitty or anything but that's probably my I'm assuming it wasn't a sit down restaurant or maybe it is maybe that was It was like way too fancy. Hey, the man fucking e-lou out. Yeah.

Just like, don't do this. You need to know the difference between maximum effort, as he put it, and realistic expectations. It's great that you're willing to put in effort. But there is such a thing in dating, I believe, as too much effort. But there is such a thing in dating, I believe, as too much effort. I think you can go too far in trying to her. And like, in two different ways, one in a way that's very detrimental to yourself like this. And another in a way that's very detrimental to

your relationship, which also might have been the case here. Like I would love to know how this conversation went. Were you just like, I'm going to come to New York tomorrow and see you. And she was like, yay. Or did you like speak for weeks and you're like, oh, I'm going to come. And like, was it more of a two-sided plan or did you just kind of spring this on them? Yeah. Or this on them, they might've come out of like politeness or fear or obligation. And then like 30 minutes have to leave either you beefed it immediately when you got there or she was scared. Yeah or was it like did you hide it and we're just like hey I'm gonna be in New York today like you around that kind of situation?

Did you try to be casual in which case she probably was like oh yeah no he's already in the city. I can just pop in and see how it goes. Oh, didn't go well. Okay. Yeah. Like she like, what you in town and you were like, Oh, business things. Either way spending, I would say probably like at least a thousand dollars.

If the flight was 500, three days in a hotel in New York, you're not let alone food and activities. Yeah. Well, this guy went to the Hudson River as his big stop. So you've got to look at things and be like, is this commitment financially worth it? There have been times where I've looked at like text chains of people I've matched with on various dating apps or whatever. And I was like, you're hot. And that's really all you got going for you.

And maybe at the time, all I'm looking for is someone attractive to hook up with, but like you scroll through and you're like, is it worth going and spending, you know, 50 to a hundred bucks on drinks and an evening when I'm a busy person on this date, where really the only thing I'm sort of vibing with is your physical appearance or is it better to like just stay home and play hell divers with the boys, right? And it's always the real answer is always hell divers. I mean towards the end, like you could have done hell divers for three days instead of

gone to America. and you know what? That would it cost you nothing. You know that would have given you so much fun You know you can have a democracy you could have spent a thousand dollars on super credits You could have fixed our server issues and you could have been the most kidded out boy You could have just had everything. Yeah so it's one of those things where you definitely, I think, misread the situation or you let your romance, hopeless romantic side of you think that you are going to have this whirlwind amazing weekend in New York City instead of being like, Hey, is this a smart thing?

Maybe I should talk to her more. Maybe I should wait to see if she's willing to commit to a video call before I fly out and spend a thousand dollars on a week. That makes no sense. Like if she's being he was there for three days, which obviously he was like all three days with this person. And then she bailed. He was like, I guess I go to the river. Yeah, it's man. I'm so we're going to New York in June or something in the summer. I'm so excited. I cannot wait to go to New York again. I love it. And granted, Nile and I do New York correctly

in the sense that pretty much every time we've got we've gotten very, very drunk. The last time was the worst, though. The first time that first time where we did like 17 bars on a bar crawl. I we were okay the next day like we were weird that we were fine that time but then the last time we went I don't even think we I guess that the bottomless mimosas probably gave us a really bad starting off point. We were pretty smashed. We built the house on a small place phase it like we have a fire but then put a floorboards over the fire and forgot about it Yeah Fuckin swap with Tony pizza and we were in an oven that was getting hotter by the day But it was like lobsters where they don't notice if you turn the like it boiling until they're dead

Yeah, and we died we We did. We did die. Yeah. For almost an entire day. I would like to not do that this time. Yeah, me too. But we'll see what happens. Yeah. Sometimes, sometimes the spirit of the night gets you.

And then you're getting yelled at for wearing a blazer in Brooklyn. You're a lot better at doing it than me, so. I would argue I did a very bad job last time. You did it rare though. Yeah, I was way worse off than you were. Yeah, another question? Yeah, let's do another question. You want one or you got one? Oh yeah, it's my turn.

Yeah, I got one. Doop. Carrot Cake for me asks, boyfriend, 25 year old male started masturbating in the middle of me 28 year old female giving him oral For context my boyfriend and I haven't been together for long just a little shy of three months so far So the other day we're in the middle of having sex. This is probably our third time the same night so I was already pretty exhausted from the previous rounds and having to do most of the work or Being on the road for most of the day for work.

As I'm giving him head, it's going on for about five minutes at this point, and he's directing my hand on the motion speed he wants to go. No big deal. The problem came when I stopped for not even five seconds to tie my hair up. Put my hand back on his dick when he just reaches for it himself and literally just finishes himself off as he's doing it. I'm literally just sitting there being like, wow, this is really happening. And I'm confused at the same time because now I'm wondering, is my head game bad?

Was I that bad at completing the job that he had to finish himself? So I'm asking, is this a normal thing for guys to do? Because this has never happened to me before. Am I overthinking it? For more context, those previous two rounds before, I did give him head as well. Whenever we have sex, he always is wanting head from me. So I don't know what I did wrong this time that he would have to finish himself off. I wish we had slightly more context because it sounds like she stopped and was reaching

back and then he just like start jerking out and like finished. And I'm wondering if he would just like he finally reached that cusp and she stopped and he was like, because there's nothing worse than just like no one giving it attention while you come. Right. So if he was just like he reached that point and he started coming and he was like, well, if she's busy, I'll just get those last few, you know, in. That makes sense to me. Also, was like she reached back and he started jerking it.

And then she like went back and he was like, no. And then like 10 minutes later, he came. That would be a different story it seems like it happened fairly quickly the way I'm reading it is assuming that's how I'm assuming is it happened is that he got to that point where like he was done and it's like he's not just gonna sit there and be like okay I'm gonna come and it's not gonna be as good because no one's touching it right now. Also, this is your third time. Yes.

This is the third time that night. And look, I'll say right now, no one knows our bodies better than us. No one knows our dick better than us. And sometimes, no matter how I've been in positions where like someone's been trying to, you know, finish me off because like it's not going to happen through sex just because of how tired and drained I am. And someone's been using has been either giving me a hand job or blowjob, usually both. And it feels so fucking good. But I've just got that wall of just being like, I just can't get through this fucking wall. And it feels so good. Like you want to come but like you can't. And sometimes the

wanting to come makes it harder to as well, you know, 100 percent. And then you start to feel bad for them. And then it's just like you kind of spiral, whereas like you might need just this really specific thing that like you might not even know what it is. But when you get your hand on it, you know, and you could just crank it. Finish, you know, the mean like that's sometimes you just know the key to unlock this door and the door is there because you're tired and you've gone so many times.

Yeah, that's fine. And also, it's really frustrating to be like, oh, he wants to have for me all the time. We already had sex twice. And like you're throwing those two times away and focusing on the one. Yeah, I think after like round one, I think we need to get real fucking chill at whatever we got to do to come. Right. Like I think we need to get real fucking chill at whatever we got to do to come. Right. Like I think like the first time and then the standards, the standards show what your partner. But 100 percent. But it's like round one, we should kind of expect that the classics are going to do the job.

They might not. There's any reason why they don't. But it's not an unreasonable expectation to be like, I know the things that he likes and he knows the things that I like and they should work after That you have no idea someone's like there are times where we can go again and there are other times where I'm just like that that took every ounce out of me and I might be able to go for a second round. Yeah, it's gonna be more of a hike than a nice journey Yes, exactly. It's gonna be sometimes I'm ready to go. I would have bet you money it's gonna be great and then like five minutes in I'm like no no it was a false start you know like yeah I'm there but I'm not in

Finnish town. Yes yeah exactly so it's like I think once you're getting into multiple rounds you need to come to terms with a the likelihood of men specifically finishing drastically reduces. It goes down every time we are finite resources, especially if you're not taking time to like rehydrate in between and take a break. And if you're going like multiple times in the span of a few hours or an hour, depending on how long you last, like it's going to get more difficult. Expect more times where he takes way longer. Expect more times where he doesn't get hard. Expect more times where he doesn't finish at all. And expect in this case, more times where he needs a very specific thing to get there.

And it might be dirty talk. It might be a very specific position. It might be a very specific whatever it might be like speed or firmness. It might be like, oh, go really hard or go really, I don't know. Tease me, do whatever. It might be specific, but that's the point. It is specific because you're in uncharted waters. Now you're in the gray areas, right? Yeah. so i don't think there's anything wrong here i understand that it could be a blow to your ego at first if this is the first time he's done it i get it if i was switching positions and a woman just was like she just sort of abandoned on like if you know if we were doing missionary and we were about to go with doggy and

she was just like no i'm just gonna like i'm just gonna finish myself here I'd be like, okay, but at the same time how long my partner to come so if that's what she needs Fucking go for it. It's fine Especially around three if she finished herself off and was just like I'm good. I'd be like, thank God Thank you. Thank you for this mercy. Yeah and One I feel like women really don't understand men's bodies. We see that all the time. You know what I mean? Between boners, getting them, not getting them, coming, not coming, you know, it really

makes me sad because obviously men don't do a great job with women bodies or else the orgasm gap wouldn't exist. But I do feel like there is more kind of like knowledge floating around that you might casually find about women's bodies than there are about men's. We're like, when the fuck do people talk about this? Yeah, because it's just us. We're the only people in the world who've ever talked about this. It's true. You know, I had Tony pizza because he's a big advocate for sexual, sexual parody.

And yeah, yeah. So that stressed me out. But also you don't even need to know this when that that night alone you had a problem one time out of three. So the majority of times were fine. And I'm assuming this doesn't happen all the time because you didn't mention it. So I want people to stop taking one thing that happened once and being like, that's everything. And instead look at like, oh, the last 100 times we fucked were great. So this one time something went differently. I can have the grace to let my partner do that and only get upset about it if it becomes a regular thing. I might get

upset. I mean, have a conversation with them that's respectful and chill. And remember, my whole motto this year, ask for reassurance just afterwards. Just talk about it. That's how you like it. No one, none of us, no matter how much experience we have, no matter how much context we have, none of us can give you the answer that your partner can give you because they know they did it. And chances are, I guarantee you it was. I was really fucking close.

I was hitting a wall. It was like painful to not finish. And I just needed to get myself over the hump. You did all of the work I just sort of pushed the car down the hill like you did a great job. You got it up there. Thank you It was great. I just needed a little something something and it's the same way It's like even they were literally coming and they just needed a hand on their dick while it happened You know, I mean, you had leaned away at just the bad time. But like I'm sure in his head, he doesn't even notice anything happened. This moment that upset you.

Look, I've been with partners who I can tell, like they'll they'll play with themselves for like a split second and then we'll stop because I can tell that they have like been previously like reprimanded or. And I love just like taking their putting it back and just be like go for it like do what you got to do like I'm not going to tell like it makes no sense to me to be like hey don't make this feel as good as it can for you yeah that to me makes no fucking sense it makes no sense to be having sex with someone and be like whoa hold on is that gonna make you feel good? Don't do that. Don't do that.

What? Like people getting upset with like women playing with themselves while being fucked like I cannot understand the crippling amounts of insecurity and how like what you had to go through to get there that and the woman is so turned on that she like playing with herself. Because imagine if you could jerk off while also having sex Would you not do that jerking off is great? Why wouldn't you combine the two and the thing is it's like one the people in this scenario Are so insecure, but then they're making the act so much harder for themselves. So terrible job there, but too It's like we all want like four to five arms so we could do everything and have their play with themselves

Guess what that frees up an arm. It's an arm You know have two hands for tits two hands for tits or ass or a combination of the two like you can go hand It's great and choke or you can pull it You can get in a better position for yourself where you now have at least one arm to stabilize yourself Like it's the dream come true shake it up. Have fun. Like what are you doing? Yeah. So just relax. When it comes to your partner's pleasure, they probably know what to do better than you. That's not to say you don't please them. That's not to say you aren't their preferred like means of pleasure, but you do have to sort of defer every now and then like

if someone does something that makes them come it's probably what they needed at the moment and that doesn't mean that you weren't a huge part of getting them to that moment and to that their inclusion of whatever this is whether it's manual simulation or whatever isn't or is meant to replace you. Yes. Like those aren't universal facts. It's just, they needed a thing. They did a thing.

They got the intended result. And I understand it can be a bruise to the ego. That's why you ask for reassurance from your partner about things that hurt you because otherwise you're going to get so fucking weird about this. You're going to like spiral. You're probably going to get bad advice on the internet and then you're gonna get some fucking weird about this you're gonna like spiral you're probably gonna get bad advice on the internet and then you're going to internalize this to the point where it's gonna be a problem in. Relationships for the rest of your life yeah so and also like we said earlier have more grace like always have grace but have more when it's round three. Have more if this is a one off you know i mean like making life so much more difficult for yourself for no fucking reason. Yes, I Think I should move on to our profile review segment. Yes, we should

We go through online dating profiles We scan them for red flags sometimes for green flags in an effort to make your online dating experience a little bit more enjoyable and successful. I have a few. I can just blaspheme at you because they're kind of themed. Okay. These are prompts, and people definitely understanding and utilizing the prompt correctly. First prompt. These are all different profiles. I bet you can't is the prompt. The response, I can do anything once

I focus and put my mind to it. Yeah. I like how it seems like they got offended. Like it says I bet you can't. I can. Yeah, I think this is a great prompt because I think it shows that there's one incredibly insecure and two so focused on themselves that they missed that the prompt was meant for the person looking at the profile and not for them. Right. I think like this is a huge red flag. Honestly. Yeah.

I think like you saw you and you didn't frame it as like, oh, this is my profile. I'm trying to, you know, people will be reading this. You thought, oh, you're talking about me. I can do it. I think that is a yeah,, people will be reading this. You thought, Oh, you're talking about me. I can do it. I think that is a, yeah, I think that's a huge reply. Yeah. I would give that a one out of 10 because that would be a gigantic turnoff for me. The next prompt.

What if I told you that the response, huh? Once again, I bet they thought like, what if I told you that? What do you mean app?? What are you telling me? I think they mean, like, what if I told you, colon, that? Like, that is what is being told to them. Yeah. And they're like, huh? Just don't get it.

Have you seen the, like, old person trying to do text to speak? No. And then they're doing it, but then at one point they're speaking and then I guess there's a slight delay and then something they said like a few a second or two ago pops up and then they Answer that but then it's still putting everything they say so then they end up in this loop and it's like They start reading like wait. It's saying this and then they keep going. It's just like this That's kind of what I feel like this is yeah It's gonna be a three out of ten because there's a possibility. It's funny and it's still not as egregious as the first one. Yeah

This prompt changed my mind about the response nothing great But I love a partner who's not willing to budge or learn. Yeah. Also, just like, hey, this is the anti chat. Like, don't change my mind. Don't talk about anything. This one. No. Why did you put that prompt? My favorite is there are so many prompts to pick from and people will actively choose.

And I saw this all the time. People actively choose one that they don't want to answer. Are you ready for the next one? I'm convinced that they don't want to answer. Are you ready for the next one? I'm convinced that I don't want to answer this prompt. Love it. But you did. And you didn't have to. I also wonder how many people realize that they can change the prompts, because I think the apps tend to like just like auto fill you a few just to. Yeah, just randomly pick the ones that you need and then like,

but you can change them. And I love that you don't want it and the last one here right now I am reading and the response I'm not reading let's be honest at least this one I think is the best out of all of them it because it's like there's like a bit of a joke there at least there's a bit of like but they don't read so that's a red flag for me. For you, sure. I don't read either. Yeah. It's bad to go silent on a podcast.

Yeah, but Tony Pizza was also shaking his head and I didn't want to get in the way. I think my favorite is HUH? Because I want to live in a world where that is a joke. Don't let's not, because we all know it isn't, but I want to. I want to live in a world where that is a joke. Don't let's not, because we all know it isn't. But I want to I want to live in that. Thank you, everybody. Again, I said the start of the episode, you are the creme de la creme. You are the Tony pizzas among us because you support us and you're here. And we fucking love you.

So thank you. Thank you very much for listening and supporting. We have a live show coming up on March 7th. I don't know when this comes out. I don't remember. But if it's before the seventh and you can make it to black sheep in Toronto come out I think that's it. I got a little bad sex right now. I'm gonna ride us out with that Thank you, Josh. You can harvest cities for their song paper stars. I'm gonna hit you with this This has been sent into us by agent frog box

Okay, she whispers. How does it feel I ask she shifts her weight moving her ass side to side like I have a big poo in my ass nice so hot I hate having a big poo in my ass like when I have to poop it's just in my ass yeah and that's how bodies work it is how how bodies work. My name is Dave Miller and I'm now Spain We've been your fuck buddies pillow talk. Whatever it is. I don't know what we do here